The Thing About Love
by AlmayCorazon
Summary: 3rd in the Our Day Will Come Trilogy. A/U. I always knew that life had it's ups & downs. Before now, I was always ready to lay the blame on hurt and pain that I have caused but now, I'm ready to embrace my demons and be someone that my kids can be proud of, with or without Brittany. My hope though is that once we both figure out what we want that it will be with each other.
1. Chapter 1:Will You Still Love Me

**_A/N: Here we are again! This first chapter takes place three months after the end of Someday I Will Understand. We catch up with Ana on her 89th day of rehab. This edition of the story should be a bit lighter than the last two...but by now you know that I like a little drama. I just won't beat you over the head with it this time. Okay?_**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (as performed by Amy Winehouse)**

* * *

**_I had been through hell and God only knows what his plan was...and even though I wasn't quite sure why things had happened this way...my hope is that someday I will understand._**

* * *

_"I love you baby!"_

_"I love you too, Britt. See you tomorrow, right?"_

_"Yes...Dani has a cold so she's going to stay home with Gladys...so it's just me and Izzy."_

_"I can't wait to see him walking!" _

_"And talking! He is so talkative!"_

_"Is he happy?"_

_"Yes...always!"_

_"Do you think he even misses me?"_

_"What? Ana...of course he does!"_

_"Okay."_

_"I'm serious!"_

_"I believe you. I'm just...it's been a really long time. Three whole months since I last saw him or the baby. I miss him and Daniela so much!"_

_"And me?" _

_"Yes! So much!" _

_"Good. Well Ana...I have to go. I will see you tomorrow morning. We get to spend the whole day together! I'm really looking forward to it!"_

_"Me too."_

_"Bye."_

_"Bye...B."_

We had come a really long way from our first conversation...this was definitely progress!

* * *

The first thirty days of rehab had been insanely difficult for me because I had been cut off from the world as a whole. I wasn't allowed to even go outside except for a group walk around the property, once a day.

I was never alone and it drove me insane.

I was tempted to sign myself out a few times but the blinking black anklet reminded me each day what my alternative was.

I was put on a medication to help me with my cravings and spent most of my allotted sixteen hour days on my knees. Since I was a late comer, I got the chore of cleaning the floors by hand with a scrub brush every evening. I had a uniform and wasn't allowed to put my hair up in a ponytail. I cried myself to sleep every night for that entire month.

I was absolutely miserable and what was worse was that my breasts were like rocks. They wouldn't let me call my mother to ask advice so I ended up having to tell my male counselor about the extra reserve of milk that I had. He then called the judge, who made an agreement with my mother. They tested my breast milk...which I didn't know was possible, and when they discovered that it was completely clean of drugs they allowed me to pump it so that I could send it to the baby.

So even though I didn't see anyone personally, someone was coming each day to pick it up. It was the only thing that kept me connected to my baby. So once my boobs were normal again...my daily chore became a little easier to bare and once that was taken care of my tears dried up and I became a little more open in group shares.

The thing that I was most proud of was that I was actually working on my journal. I hadn't kept track of my life or the things that focused on me, since I was pregnant with Isaac. Now though, I wrote daily and had even named my book like we were supposed to do.

I named him...Henry.

I had been marking off the days of my stay on a calendar above my bed and on the last day, June 27th, I had a picture of Britt and the kids. I looked at it every day and it got me through.

That was of course until I actually talked to Britt.

It was clear that while I was changing so was the world around me.

* * *

_**Day 30**_

**_March 29, 2013_**

**_Good Morning Henry,_**

_**It's just past midnight on my thirtieth day. **_

_**Everyone else is asleep and I am supposed to be too...but how can I sleep? Today is the day that I can finally talk to Britt. I need to know how things are going back home. I need to feel like I still have my network. What if Britt's found someone new? What if everyone has given up on me? How am I supposed to know? **_

_**I have done everything asked of me. **_

_**I have begun to participate and now I can think of cocaine and not wish that I could have some. **_

_**That's progress because even when I stopped last summer, I still craved the high, the taste on my gums, the burn in my nose. Now though...I don't want it as much. The cravings are still there but they are way more manageable. **_

_**I have become more centered on my faith and plus...I have you! In my mind I imagine that you look a lot like Isaac when he's a man. It helps me to stay honest with you because I never want to lie to my children about who I am. **_

_**After morning prayer and breakfast, I have a scheduled hour to call Britt. She set up the time with Dr. Clover, so I know that she will be available. I hope that I can talk to her everyday from now on!**_

_**Okay...I'm being glared at by CiCi because I have the light on...so I'm going to attempt sleep. **_

_**I'll let you know how the call goes!**_

_**P.S...It's also my one year wedding anniversary...:)**_

_**Santana**_

* * *

It was apparent after my first phone call with Britt that she had moved on...she just didn't see it yet.

_"Ana!"_ she said as she picked up on the first ring on that first day.

_"Hey, B."_ I felt shy at first...go figure!

_"It's so great to hear your voice!"_

_"It's great to he-"_ I was cut off.

_"Dionne! No...come on...come see me later...the wife is on the phone...yes..."_ I heard her cover the receiver but it didn't cover that laugh she does when she's flirting. I swallowed my immediate pang of jealousy and waited. Then her cheery voice popped back on the line. _"Sorry about that."_

That was all the explanation that she offered. I sighed and sat back against the big red couch in my counselor's office. He sat across the room, observing me while filling out paperwork.

_"It's fine B. Are you at work?" _

_"Yea...I had planned to be home but then Tony had a family emergency, so I came in an hour early. I thought I locked my door but apparently I didn't."_

_"It's fine. So tell me how you're doing?"_

_"Great! The show is..."_ she went on and on about the show for a whole ten minutes before taking a breath. The clock was ticking and I only got one phone call a week until day 60. Needless to say, I was getting insanely annoyed. _"Anyway...enough about me...how is your recovery going?"_

That's a loaded question to ask anyone recovering from an addiction.

We all have good days and bad days.

Even people who have been clean for decades had those not so good days.

_"I'm feeling much better...today is a good day."_

_"Yea? That's amazing."_ she seemed preoccupied.

_"Are you okay, Britt Britt?"_

_"Um...yea...sorry...I have a crap load of emails...I was just checking them...annnd...I'm done. Okay. I'm so sorry!"_

_"It's fine."_

_"No it's not. I'm probably annoying the shit out of you...Ugh...I've just been buried in work for the show. Plus with being at the hospital for that week...it just threw me totally off."_

My heart dropped and was rolling around in the pit of my stomach. This whole conversation was bringing feelings of angst back to the fore and I was really not liking it. This was not what I had expected.

_"Hospital? Is everything alright?" _

_"Oh...right. I'm so scattered. Yea...I donated bone marrow to Ari...I'm a match." _

My heart was back in its rightful place as it swelled beyond it's capacity.

_"You did?"_ Tears were rushing to my eyes and from the look on his face, I could tell that Dr. Clover was going to push me to talk about this call in group this afternoon.

Ugh.

_"I did. She's doing better. She's back in remission and is back to being our leading lady. She's doing a fantastic job!" _

_"That's amazing, B."_ I said excitedly.

My friend was going to live because my wife saved her life!

_"Yea it is. Soooo guess what?"_

_"Something else exciting I hope." _

_"Izzy is walking."_ My jaw dropped.

_"He's not even one yet!"_ I said in shock.

_"I know...but he will be one_ _next week...he's been walking for three weeks now. It's so amazing to see. He gets better everyday!"_

I sucked in a deep breath, trying my damnedest to hold back the tears that were now pooling in my eyes. I had missed my son's first steps. I had known it would happen but knowing that it did and I wasn't there because of my stupid fucking addiction...it made me feel so powerless.

_"Yea...did I miss anything else?"_ I squeaked out.

_"Dani is sitting up on her own now. She can sit in the high chair and she babbles a lot. She says Ma now. It's so cute...I can't wait for you to see her and Izzy...he talks now...like full sentences and it sounds so clear. Little Johnny was over for the weekend with Sandra and they were just gabbing back and forth. It was insane...I recorded it for you."_

_"You did?"_

_"Yes! I tried to record what I could. I know how hard it is for you to miss stuff and-"_ she was cut off again and I could hear the muffle of her hand over the phone again. _"What did I fucking tell you D? Yes, I'm still on the phone! It's been a month...look...yea I know that! I know but...fuck fine...come in...sit down and shut the fuck up...okay?"_ I heard more mumbling and then a door shut.

When Britt finally got back on the line we had reached the forty-five minute mark and I felt like I didn't really get to hear anything about what was going on at home. It was scraps.

_"Britt...if you need to go...it's okay."_ I said when I heard her pick up the phone again.

_"No...Dionne can wait."_

_"It's fine...we only have ten minutes left anyway. Go handle stuff...we can talk more next week. Okay?"_

_"Okay...fine. I love you Ana."_

_"I love you too, B." _

She hung up and I was left sitting there feeling so many emotions. For the first time...my mind went back to the numbness of the drugs. I threw the phone clear across the room and collapsed in tears on the couch. I buried my face in the pillows and screamed. I was so angry it felt like I was going to explode.

I hadn't even gotten to wish her a happy anniversary and from the sound of it she hadn't remembered either.

I sobbed until I passed out and thankfully, Dr. Clover left me there to sleep.

I knew that I would have to deal with my outburst but for now he was letting me deal with my emotions before we talked about them.

He must have seen this kind of thing before.

I'm not surprised.

* * *

After talking at length about that phone call, I wasn't allowed to talk to Britt for another two weeks.

I wasn't ready to talk to her and now I realized it.

The addiction was alive in me and there was no way that I could possibly be over it in thirty days. It had rooted itself in my psyche for so long that it was hard to overcome in such a short time.

I spent those two weeks in therapy and on my knees scrubbing the floors even harder.

On the last day of my two weeks as I was scrubbing the hallway floor until I could see my reflection, I realized how exhaustively empty my head was. I sat there on my knees after I was finished and just zoned out. This was that mind numbing euphoria I only found just after an intense orgasm or a really good high.

Except...I had neither of those things and here I was.

Empty.

It was then that I saw the purpose of the heavy labor.

I had always seen Sandra cleaning her house from top to bottom every Saturday and I thought she was insane...she could afford a maid but she insisted that she do it all on her own. I understood her so much more now.

The military had taught her how to clear her mind through hard work.

Now rehab was helping me to understand the same principle.

I felt prepared to talk to Britt the next day. I had a feeling that this time, I would be more prepared to deal with the changes that had been going on.

* * *

Isaac's first birthday had taken place during the two weeks that I was banned from calls.

So I knew that I needed to be prepared to hear about all that I had missed.

What I hadn't expected was that it wouldn't be my wife but my oldest sister instead.

Apparently Britt had an important meeting to get to so she asked Sandra to call me.

As bad as it may sound, the moment that I heard my sister's voice I felt relieved that I got to talk to her instead of my wife.

We had a real conversation about everything. It was what I had needed two weeks prior. She told me what I needed to hear and only told me certain things if I asked. She didn't mention any family drama, which was great!

We had been about to end the phone call when I heard her sigh heavily.

_"Talk to me sis. I know that you have been dancing around telling me something."_

_"Look, I don't want to make your recovery time worse but I feel like you knowing what's going on while you have people to help you...is a good idea."_

_"Is it about Britt?"_ I sighed and covered my face.

_"Yea. For the most part."_

Dr. Clover saw my distress and signaled me over.

_"Hold on, sis."_ I got up and headed across the room and handed him the phone. He pressed the speaker button and then gestured for me to sit in front of his desk.

I should have expected this. He had already warned me that if I was in distress that he was going to take the phone and listen in.

_"Sandra? It's Dr. Clover. I'm listening in. Is that alright?"_ he was just asking her to be nice but neither of us really had a choice.

_"Oh that's good. Can I talk now?"_ she said, sounding exhausted.

_"Go on."_

_"Britt had put the kids in daycare because of the show so I have them. At first I was going to allow the daycare but I know how you feel about it. Anyway, I stopped by the house and it was a pigsty and there were a bunch of people staying there...so I took the kids. She doesn't see them much. Twice a week. Britt can do whatever she wants you know but Izzy is getting older and he is always looking for you and Brittany."_

_"Is she off her meds?"_

_"I'm not sure but you should just know that Gladys and I are planning to talk to her about it. I just thought that you should know about it. I'm sorry to tell you...it's just...ugh...I'm sorry."_

_"She is um..."_ I took a deep breath and looked at Dr. Clover. He nodded in agreement that this would be a good opportunity to lay my fears to rest._ "She isn't seeing anyone else is she?" _

_"Oh...are you referring to Dionne?" _My heart sped up. Sandra knew her name.

_"Yea...I think that's her name."_

_"No need to worry about her. Britt is still faithful to you...Ari has been keeping an eye out on things at the theater. Apparently Dionne has a bit of a crush on Brittany. That's it."_

_"Oh...and that's it?"_

_"Yes...I visited and could see how annoyed Britt was with the way Dionne was clinging to her. I thought it was just for show but Ari tells me that Britt is always annoyed with her and snapping at her."_

_"Oh ok." _

_"Look Ana, I'm trying my best to make sure that you have something to come home to. You just need to worry about getting better because your kids need you...more than us...more than Brittany. Okay?"_

_"Thank you Sandra." _I whispered as I brushed my hands through my hair. I was feeling a little more relieved and knew that as long as I had people on the outside taking care of things, that I would be able to handle anything.

* * *

**_Day 90_**

**_May 28, 2013_**

**_Hi Henry._**

**_Things with me and Britt are still up in the air. In the sixty days since our first phone call...I've spoken to her a total of three times. Each time she seems more distant...I am still holding out hope for us. My calendar tells me that I have more days behind me than in front of me. I have more freedom around the center and now today...I get to have visitors for the very first time since I got here. _**

**_I was hoping that it would be Britt and both of the kids but I'm glad that she is leaving Daniela at home if she is sick. I wouldn't want her to get worse. _**

**_Headed to 4am mass, Britt should be here by seven, I can't wait! _**

**_See you tonight! _**

**_Santana_**

* * *

I sat in Dr. Clover's office waiting patiently for my wife to show up but she never did.

So I begged my therapist to let me call her but even then...I got no answer.

_"Can I go back to bed?"_ I asked after handing him the phone back.

_"I want you to talk this out."_

_"There's nothing to talk about...I'm not going to go throwing things or crying about it. I'm sure something just came up. It's fine. I'm fine."_

_"You're building your walls back up."_

_"So what if I am. It's not like I'm hiding drugs behind them."_

_"Sit down Santana."_ I stood there looking at his cold stare and hesitated before actually sitting down.

_"Fine."_

I dropped down into the seat and stared down at my hands. I was badly in need of a manicure and was planning on having a spa day with Quinn when I got back home. We had already set it up, one of my non phone calls from Brittany was Quinn.

Go figure.

_"Talk to me about how you feel."_

_"I'm disappointed. I'm sure she has a reason, I'm not sure if I am willing to accept the reason but I can accept that she does have a life outside of me. She's nineteen...what nineteen year old likes to be bogged down by their junkie wife and her two kids when they just got the job of a lifetime?"_

_"Brittany apparently does."_

_"She did."_

_"I do."_ I sat there frozen when I heard my wife's voice. _"Did you really think that I wouldn't come?"_ she sounded hurt.

_"Yea...I did."_

No point in lying.

_"I'm sorry if I made you feel that way...Izzy woke up with a fever and wheezing. I tried to get him ready but Sandra insisted that I should let him rest. So I came alone."_

I looked over at her and remained speechless.

She had cut her hair...it was just above her shoulders now and tasseled.

She looked stunning.

_"You look beautiful B."_ I said slowly.

I had totally forgotten about Dr. Clover. He cleared his throat and then excused himself.

Pretty soon it was just me and Brittany alone together behind a closed door.

* * *

I stood up and grabbed her hand.

The electric that zinged up my arm reminded me of what it was about my wife that made me lovesick.

I pulled her to sit beside me on the couch and after that we just stared into each others eyes as we held hands.

_"You look amazing, Ana. I don't think I have ever seen you look so healthy."_

_"Fat."_ I joked.

_"Don't do that...no deflecting. You look beautiful."_ Britt scolded.

_"Okay, okay."_

_"Can I tell you something?"_ She suddenly looked nervous.

_"Yes. Anything, B."_

_"I'm kinda glad that I had to leave the kids at home...I'm happy to get you all to myself for the day. It's beautiful outside and your doctor said that I can take you out by the water. I know how much you like the water."_ she said as she linked her pinky with mine.

We hadn't done that in forever.

I couldn't remember the last pinky lock we shared.

_"I do...I haven't been allowed out there. Just around the building."_

_"Wow." _

_"It's been hard, but I'm really making progress and I think I am really able to see beyond my addiction and my issues. Hopefully, I still have you to come back to." _

I don't know where that thought came from but it came spilling out. Britt looked at me in shock and went pale.

_"Who told you?"_ she said as she pulled her hands back into her own lap.

* * *

_"Told me what?"_ I reached for her hands but she shook her head and looked away.

_"I was using this time...to take a break from us...our marriage."_

_"And you slept with someone?"_ I felt my heart shatter as I looked at the side of her face. She was still looking away. She shrugged her shoulders but then looked back at me.

_"There is no sex between us...he's just...a companion."_

_"He?"_ I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. _"Okay...it's fine...okay."_ I said as I nodded and gulped back my emotions.

I would not cry.

_"I'm still yours, Ana...I'm still your wife."_

_"I thought you promised no more breaks, B."_ I asked when I could finally swallow the tears that were threatening to come.

_"It's not a break...it's more of...an open relationship. I'm still yours. He...he's just there for me...while you can't be. He knows that the moment you get out of here that he has to step back."_

_"Who else knows?"_

_"Dionne. It's...he's her brother."_

_"You've kissed him though?"_

_"And other stuff."_ she said as she looked down at her hands.

_"Other stuff?"_ My voice squeaked.

_"Look...I could have just not...said anything. Ugh."_ she turned three shades of pink and then let out an exhausted breath.

_"I wish you hadn't. I wish you had lied."_ I said as wrapped my arms around myself.

_"Do you want me to end it?"_ I looked at her in disbelief...was she really asking me that?

_"You do what you need to do, Brittany. I'm glad I know where I stand in all of this."_

_"He knows that it's temporary." _

I laughed in disbelief. She was really trying to make this about her?

I felt like the world had turned on it's axis and things were backwards.

_"I won't go through this again, B. Too many people have seen the inside of our marriage...you told me that. Ian. Frankie. Quinn. Marco. Rachel. I was hoping that we could for once just be us."_

_"In order to do that...we would have to go back to the start."_

_"Can we?"_

_"Not now...not while you are here and I'm out there."_

_"With him."_

_"Well...yea."_

_"I can't accept that. I won't go through that. Let's just call this what it is."_

_"Are you...breaking up with me? Like for real? For good?" _She looked at me wide eyed and in shock.

_"Yes. When I leave here...my court stuff is behind me. I'm taking the kids and I'm moving back to Lima for the summer." _I said with an air of finality...as if it had been my plan all along.

_"You can't do that." _she said looking hurt and defeated.

_"I can and I will. I'm not saying that we are over for good...because lets face it...you and I are tied to each other but I am saying that we need this. You need to go off and live your life. You need to be free to experience things. I won't keep the kids from you...but I just need to focus on me and my kids for once. So if you want to go ahead and be with him. I give you my blessing." _

_"I don't want your blessing...I want you."_ Britt said with a little force behind her voice.

_"When was the last time that you took your meds, Britt Britt?" _I asked as I looked in her eyes. I could see the fire there, the anger that filled her.

_"Apparently, that's not your business anymore." _she sniffed and rubbed at her eyes.

_"As long as you are around the kids...I need to know."_

_"Fine...I stopped taking them in March. When I started seeing Grady."_

_"That's his name...Grady?"_

_"Yea."_

_"White boy?"_

_"Black boy from the Bahamas. He goes to Julliard. He dances...he's our leading man."_

_"Great."_

_"I have been very quiet about it. I really didn't want anyone to know."_

_"Because you didn't want it to get back to me?"_

_"No but because I wanted to be respectful of our marriage."_

_"Yea?"_

I didn't even want to continue this conversation but Britt insisted on staying the rest of the day.

So even though, I had just lost my wife, she tried her hardest to still fill the role as my best friend.

Frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted that...wanted her.

* * *

_**A/N: Hi again. I promise that they do have a happy ending...but as always...I want to keep them real. Read and Review! **_

_**Thanks! Love you guys.** _


	2. Chapter 2:No More Tears

**Chapter 2:No More Tears (Anita Baker)**

* * *

**_So even though, I had just lost my wife, she tried her hardest to still fill the role as my best friend._**

**_Frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted that...wanted her._**

* * *

Normally when a person experiences a break up, they take time to themselves and try to cope with the pain of it all. I was in rehab…I was forced to process my feelings in therapy.

Frankly, I wished that I had realized that it would be so helpful.

It would have saved me millions of tears over the years.

It hurt inside and I was still crying myself to sleep but the tears slowly dried up.

Two weeks went by before I was allowed outside contact again, partially at my request.

Brittany hadn't stayed very long that day and so the moment that she left, I had walked straight to my room and threw myself across my bed. I cried for almost two hours without being interrupted but then my roommate told my therapist and I was hauled into his office.

I was angry and hurt that day because I couldn't just wallow in my own self-pity but after it was over and I was back in my room, I felt a million times better.

Dr. Clover told me that I had made a very brave decision in cutting my marriage loose. I had been working through all the emotional issues that dated back to Marco and Noah when I was just a kid.

Those meetings made me see something that shocked the hell out of me.

My marriage to Brittany had done more psychological damage to me than my marriage to Marco because I was actually in love with her.

Now and probably forever.

* * *

_"So tell me how you are feeling today Santana?"_

_"Well...it's my birthday. So I'm trying to stay upbeat."_

_"Happy Birthday. You're twenty today, correct?"_

_"Yes. Hard to believe right?"_

_"I've seen a lot in my thirty years in this job and I have to say you are definitely on the list of things that shock me."_

_"Gee...thanks?" _

_"It takes a lot to shock me so you should take that as a compliment!"_

_"Thanks."_

_"So...it's been two weeks since you saw Brittany."_

_"Twelve days."_

_"And you have been out of contact with everyone...did you want to call anyone today?"_

_"No. Honestly, I'd like to spend today just reflecting on my life. I'm officially not a teenager anymore and in nine days...I will be leaving here as an adult. I can't burden my network."_ I said as I picked with the gunk under my fingernail.

_"Burden?"_

_"With me and Britt. I think that I have burdened them enough...I mean I was in a coma for months because of Brittany and my family was constantly forced to be by my side. I'm ready to take control of my life, my sober life."_

_"How do you plan to do that? How serious are you about moving back to Ohio?"_

_"Going back to Lima plays a big part in my recovery. I'm just stagnant in New York. I came here to go to school and I'm not doing that. I'm just here. I just want to go back to the start and try and live my life the way I want to. I'm realizing that Columbia was my parents dream and being a lawyer was just to get my mom's attention. I know that I have that now, if I need it. I want to give Isaac and Daniela a more peaceful environment. Even if it's just for a little while. That's why I'm just going for the summer and then I will decide from there where I go."_

_"You've thought this through, I see."_

_"Well...I have definitely learned to process my feelings like a civilized human being. I'm proud of that because now I can teach that to my kids. They are my purpose in life."_

_"Do you think that you can handle that?"_

_"I have to try. I'm going to attend N.A. and stay clean. I am going to be staying with my old high school cheer coach...so trust me...I will have no choice but to handle things."_

_"Is she strict?"_

_"She makes you look like Elmo."_

He let out a huge, hearty laugh and slapped his hands down on this desktop.

_"That's...that's funny!" _

_"Sue Sylvester is nothing to play around with...plus Ian has a little sister and Sue adopted her...so my kids will get to form a relationship with their aunt...so it's going to be good all the way around."_

_"That sounds promising."_

_"I hope so."_

_"So...I know that being in rehab on your birthday probably really sucks...but we will be having cake and ice cream at lunch. So what are your favorites?"_

_"You don't have to do that."_ I was surprised that he was allowing this. I hadn't had sweets in months.

_"It's another year that God has blessed you with and you are bringing it in sober...that's a great reason to celebrate!"_

_"Okay...fine."_

_"Good! So tell me."_

_"I love chocolate cake and cherry vanilla ice cream." _I said with a huge smile on my face.

_"Then that is what we shall have!"_

_"Wanky."_ I winked._ "I'm going to head to mass...and I guess I'll see you at lunch?" _I asked.

_"Definitely!"_

* * *

_**Day 111**_

_**June 18th, 2013**_

_**Hey Henry!**_

_**I'm 20 today and up until therapy this morning...I was kind of bummed about it but now I think I'm feeling settled. I haven't spoken to anyone since Britt and I broke up. I know that I need to sometime this week because I need to figure out how I'm getting home...I just don't want to do it today.**_

_**Today is about embracing my adulthood, clearheaded and with goals in mind. **_

_**I am free of Marco.**_

_**I am free of drugs.**_

_**I am free of policing Britt.**_

_**About Britt...I'm hoping that someday we can work things out and find some common ground. I think we both need this opportunity to walk away while we are still friends. We both need to grow up and we can't do that if we are in the other's way. I love her with all of my heart and I know that she is the woman that I am going to grow old with but sometimes that means stepping back and hoping beyond all hope that we can find each other again.**_

_**The lunch alarm is going off...I'll see you soon. **_

_**Love you! **_

_**Santana**_

* * *

It was just after noon when I walked down the hall towards the cafeteria.

I had been born at exactly noon so now it was completely official. My heart felt full and I felt peaceful.

I had a good feeling about where I was headed and I had a secret hope that things would all work out.

Our day will come, right?

I pushed open the door to the cafeteria and froze.

_"Mami!"_

I dropped to my knees when my son came toddling over to me.

This was the best surprise in the world!

The whole world disappeared as I held my arms open for my little boy who was already 14 months old.

He began running and my heart started racing because I didn't want him to fall but he seemed pretty confident so I waited with a huge smile on my face.

The moment that I held Isaac to my chest, I squeezed him so tight.

_"Hi, Papa."_ I whispered as I kissed his face.

_"More Besos, Mami."_ he smiled as he gave me his cheek.

I stood to my feet and spun him around while kissing his face a dozen more times.

_"Wee!"_ he screamed.

I heard a baby laugh and I stopped in my tracks as I looked over Isaac's shoulder.

There stood my mother holding Daniela.

She was five months old now.

Mami had pulled her even blonder hair into a little ponytail on top of her head.

She was gorgeous.

I walked over to my mother and dropped a kiss on her face.

_"Bendicion, Mami! Thank you so much for this."_ I said as I stepped back and looked at her.

_"I had to see my baby on her birthday and you had to see your babies on your birthday...so here we are."_ she smiled and then nodded her head towards the door behind me.

I spun around and there were my sisters, Ari, Puck and Quinn.

Brittany was noticeably missing from the entourage but I quickly brushed that off my shoulder once I was enveloped in hugs and kisses.

This was the best birthday ever!

* * *

_"So San, are you excited to be coming home soon?"_ I spoon fed Isaac ice cream and was wrapped up in his expressions of delight and how he cocked his eyebrow at me when I looked away from him for too long.

_"Kind of."_ I said honestly as I looked at Quinn, who had thankfully gone back to blonde.

We were sitting in the now empty cafeteria, just me and my network.

_"What do you mean, TT?"_ Puck said as he nudged my shoulder.

_"I know that things will be different and it scares me a bit. I want to leave New York as soon as possible." _I admitted.

_"How can we help?"_ That was Sandra but from what I could see, they were all eager to make this transition easier for me.

_"Well...if I'm honest...I don't...I don't want to go back to that house." _

_"No problem. I'll pack your stuff for you and when we pick you up next week, we will just take you to Sandra's since you have to stay in the state for another week."_ Celia said.

_"Are you sure...is that okay, Sandra?" _I asked. Isaac grunted and I looked back down at him and choked back a laugh when I saw his glare._ "Sorry, Papa."_ I said as I gave him the last spoon of ice cream.

_"The kids are already at my house anyway, it will just be easier on you and the kids...it will be a lot to move them back to the city only to put them on a plane and move to Lima."_

_"You're right...okay. Thanks then." _

We talked a bit more about what time I would need to be picked up and what stuff I wanted to take with me back to Lima and then my mom tried to convince me to come stay with her but I won the argument when I told her that I already committed to staying with Sue and that it would be too hard seeing my godfather walking around my father's house.

I was exhausted by the time that everyone geared up to leave. I kissed my sisters and my mother goodbye but was surprised that Quinn, Puck and the kids weren't moving.

_"Your doctor said we could stay until the end of the day. Is that okay...we can still leave if you want."_ Nono said as he stood to his feet with Isaac in his arms.

_"No it's fine...I just, I'm surprised."_

* * *

Once everyone else had left, we walked down to the riverbank and sat at a picnic table. Daniela began to do that tired/hungry cry that hadn't changed and Quinn immediately handed her to me.

_"She's still drinking your breast milk...do you want to...you know?"_

I looked over at her in shock...but nodded hurriedly as I took my baby into my arms.

She looked up at me with wet eyes and I melted. Her eyes were so stormy that the blue was almost black.

I unbuttoned my top and helped her to latch on.

That moment when I was able to feed her was honestly one of the top highlights of my birthday.

It was magick.

It was quiet a little while after that as Isaac and Noah walked down by the edge of the water and left me alone with Quinn.

She was zoning out at the water, wrapped in her own thoughts.

_"Talk to me, Q."_

_"I'm not sure what to say, actually."_

_"Are you and my sister back together?"_ I asked as I looked down at my baby. Her eyes were drifting closed but then she would open them back up and try and watch me.

_"No. We tried but we agreed that this was it for us. She's already moved on...and so have I."_ I looked over at her in shock.

_"You have?"_

_"Yea. I'm back with Rachel...she got out of rehab a few months back and she's back to being the determined pain in the ass she was back in school. We are going strong and she is working on getting back into NYADA...in the mean time...she's working as a singing waitress downtown." _

_"You're kidding?"_ I smirked as I thought of how annoyed she must make her customers.

_"Yea...she loves it and they love her." _

_"Wow...well...congratulations."_

_"Yea...we are taking it slow. I'm living in my dorm at Columbia and she's living with this annoying little twat...Dionne."_

_"As in-" _I looked at her in disbelief.

_"She told you about Dionne?" _This was the first time anyone had made mention of Brittany.

_"Yea."_

_"So you know about Grady then?"_

_"Why wouldn't I?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"That I already knew about it."_

_"How? I mean, they just happened."_

_"Actually...they have been dating for months. She told me when she visited two weeks ago."_

_"Shit."_ Quinn muttered._ "That's so...wrong."_

_"Stop, Q. Just leave it. I broke up with her."_

_"You did? I thought...I thought it was mutual?"_

_"No...it was me. I decided we needed to end things while we were still friends."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yea...I'm over it. I just want to focus on the kids." _I said as I shifted Daniela to my other boob.

_"Well, I'm glad. They need you. Especially with Britt being so distant from them."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Celia was telling me that Britt hasn't seen the kids since she came back from seeing you. She hasn't talked to anyone in the family. The only reason we know at all is because Grady told Ari. Britt hasn't spoken to me since the day you started rehab so, of course I was the last to know. We invited her today though...but she already had plans to go sailing with Grady."_

_"Oh...well good for her, I guess...she won't have that rough a time when I take the kids to Lima."_

_"Yea, I guess not."_

_"So what are you doing now that school is out?"_

_"Going home. I'm staying with the Berry's since Judy sold off her house and moved to LA with my sister. I don't really have a reason to stick around New York."_

_"So I guess we can do our spa day back at home then?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"When are you leaving?"_

_"We are driving...heading out tonight and we are just going to drive all night until we get there."_

_"Wow!"_

_"Yea...cheaper than a plane ticket."_

_"Oh...well I guess you're right." _

_"I was wondering...do you think that I could take Izzy with me? Puck and Beth are coming too so he would be good company for her."_

_"Um...I don't know...that's a long time...I mean I won't be there for another two weeks."_

_"I know...it's crazy...never mind then."_

_"Have you talked to Sandra about it?"_

_"She said that it's up to you."_

_"Will you be okay with him for two weeks?"_

_"Of course...I'll be just fine! Besides this way...you will only have to worry about one baby on the plane."_

_"Okay...just...stay in contact with Sandra...please? And take care of him."_

_"I will. I'll protect him with my life."_

_"Okay. Take plenty of pictures and...have fun for me."_

* * *

**_Day 120_**

**_June 27th, 2013_**

**_This is it Henry! _**

**_In just one hour, I'm being picked up by Sandra and driven straight to the court house to have my ankle monitor retuned. Then I'm off to Westchester to live out my one week probation period. I have decided to take you along for my journey and when you are full...I will just add more pages! _**

**_I'm really excited to get on that plane to Lima in a week! As you know...I still haven't heard from Britt and even though I have stopped crying myself to sleep over it...it still hurts. _**

**_But I'm stronger than this. I'm going to use this opportunity to see what's out there for me. _**

**_I still have my family and that's what's really important. _**

**_Isaac is already waiting for me in Lima, Daniela is safely with Sandra and Johnny and Mami is on her way down the aisle in one month's time. _**

**_See...I have plenty of things to keep me distracted from Britt...the 600+ miles will definitely help as well. _**

**_The next time you see me...it will be as a free...well semi-free woman! _**

**_See you in Westchester!_**

**_Santana_**

* * *

_"So how does it feel, Ana?"_ Johnny asked from the front seat as I fed the baby.

_"Amazing. I actually missed the city." _

_"Have you heard from her?" _Sandra asked cutting through the bullshit. I have to hand it to her though, she waited through the drive to the courthouse, the hour we spent there, until we were about to get on the highway to her house.

_"No. Not a peep. Have you?"_

_"Yea...I did...a few days ago. She swore to me that she would check in on you. I can't believe that she lied to me."_

_"It's okay, Sandra. It's no problem. Just let her do her thing. I don't want to interfere. I was always okay with being a single mom...she begged me to be their second parent. If she feels like she doesn't want that anymore...it's fine. They're not hers anyway." _I whispered as I ran my fingers through Daniela's curls.

_"Bullshit." _Sandra spat._ "She is their mother. You don't just decide one day that you don't want your kids. She hasn't seen Daniela...she was shocked when I told her that Izzy was in Lima. She didn't even seem to care."_

_"Can we...just not talk about her? I can make it on my own. I'm plenty capable. End of story."_

The conversation should have died right there but Sandra had other plans and Johnny was too fucking scared of her to step in.

She pulled the car over into a parking lot. At first I didn't realize where I was but then I recognized the warehouse.

_"You need to talk to her, Ana. That ankle bracelet doesn't activate for another hour. You can't go off to Lima without at least trying to talk to her."_

_"Are you serious, why? She moved on. I want to move on!"_

_"You have children, Santana. Biological or not...you need to hold her accountable."_

She had a point, I couldn't argue with that.

_"Fine...but you need to stay here...Johnny don't you dare let her come in that building...she is just going to make shit worse."_

* * *

Moments like this, I am so glad that Sandra knew my fashion sense because despite my fucked up nails, I looked pretty damned good.

I had on some strappy sandals and nice jeans and a strappy shirt. My hair was out and looking shiny. I knew that Britt would take one look at me and want me. She couldn't resist me when I wore little to no makeup.

I strapped the carrier onto my torso and then put Daniela into it. She was asleep since I just finished feeding her so I put a light blanket over her.

I didn't look back towards the car as I made my way across the gravel with my baby.

For a moment I had thought that I should just leave the baby in the car...but I needed Britt to have that visual of me and our baby.

I had to play the only cards that I had.

Here goes nothing!

* * *

When I opened the door to the theater, a Jeremih song was blasting through the speakers, they were mid rehearsal so I slid into one of the back seats and watched as Britt and Tony sat at the middle table while Ari and my replacement danced across the stage.

It wasn't until I actually saw his face that I felt the burning jealousy in the pit of my stomach.

They say a baby can sense your tension and I totally think that they are right.

Daniela began to whine and so I fished in my pocket for her pacifier.

I had left it in the car.

Her cries were getting louder.

Fuck.

_"You are so not helping right now, little girl."_ I muttered as I stood to my feet and tried bouncing her but she was just getting started apparently because now she was wailing.

_"Santana!"_ I turned around to see Brittany storming my way with an angry expression. She looked super pissed. I tried not to care but I hated seeing her so upset.

By the time that Britt had gotten to me, I had Daniela out of the carrier and was soothing her in my arms.

_"I'm sorry, Britt Britt. She was sleeping and-"_

Britt wrapped a hand around my arm and brought her face really close to mine.

_"Why are you here?"_ she growled.

_"Let go of my arm, Brittany...we are not going back to that kind of relationship."_

_"Relationship? What relationship? We have no relationship!"_ she was yelling in my face now.

I tried to step back but she gripped my arm tighter.

_"Let go of her Brittany!"_ That was Ari.

_"Baby, let her go."_ That was what's his name...calling my wife...my Brittany his baby.

Brittany didn't let go.

_"You need to leave."_

_"I just wanted to talk to you B."_ I said evenly.

_"Not here. I'm working."_

_"Then when?"_

_"Frankly, I don't give a shit. Just...take her and go."_

_"Her? She's your daughter, Brittany! You can deny me but you won't deny the kids. You wanted them."_

_"I had no choice!"_ She screamed in my face.

_"You don't mean that!"_ I felt the tears behind my eyes but I wouldn't cry in front of her. She had lost that privilege.

_"Grady...you may want to get your girlfriend."_ Ari spat out in anger. _"I don't give a fuck if she saved my life."_

_"Britt let her go...come on...lets go cool off."_ He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifter her clear off the ground and carried her in the opposite direction.

Daniela had stopped crying and was looking around with tears in her eyes.

_"Are you ok, Anita?"_ Ari said as she tried to pry the baby from my arms.

_"No...I just...I didn't...she just denied her own kids."_ I whispered as I handed the baby off to Ari.

_"I don't think she meant it, Anita. She's just having a bad day. Don't look at me like that! She's been a fucking Nazi all freaking day. She has pictures of the kids all over her office. She talks about them all the time. She just doesn't feel comfortable surrounded by your family...not anymore. Do you blame her?"_

_"I get it...but to deny them...that..." _I slid into one of the seats and rested my head in my palms._ "I just wanted her to be able to see the baby before I left for Lima."_

_"I totally get it. Maybe coming here like this, was just a bad idea."_

_"Tell that to Sandra...it was her idea...not mine."_

_"Is she outside?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Let me walk you out...okay?"_

_"Yea."_

* * *

Dealing with that kind of blow was something that I didn't think I would have been able to handle before rehab.

The week that followed was filled with me, in constant contact with my network, even Sue. I buried myself in books and spent all day with my baby. After the first night of crying myself to sleep, I asked Celia to sleep in the bed. With her there I quickly stopped crying about it. She served as an amazing distraction by telling me all about her new girlfriend Maggie.

She seemed so happy now, almost carefree and less angry.

Apparently her and Quinn were still talking everyday but it was as friends and they liked it that way.

We never talked about Brittany and I was happy about it because the new bruise on my arm was enough of a reminder of how much pain I was in.

Things were going to be different from here on out.

I was going to be okay.

I had faith that we would fix this rift between us even if we didn't end up together.

Nobody understood Brittany like I did, she would come back to me.

Our friendship was solid...even if it was buried under a mountain of shit at the moment.

We loved each other, so I wouldn't cry over her.

Over this.

For now, I needed to stay focused and sober, nothing would distract me from my purpose.

Not even Brittany.

* * *

**A/N: There will be a happy ending! I super-duper promise! I'm just a sadist! ;) **

**Review and tell me what you like...love you guys...and an amazing special shout out to my beta! **

**You know who you are! :)**


	3. Chapter 3:Take It All

**A/N: I have had some requests for a split POV. I'm not sure if that's where I am going with this story. At the end of the day this is about Santana's journey through love and so I'm totally on her side. However, if Brittany is still what you need...after this chapter. Tell me and I will deliver her at a better point in the story. Okay?**

**Enjoy! **

**P.S. This song was just too perfect!**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Take It All (Adele)**

* * *

**_We loved each other, so I wouldn't cry over her._**

**_Over this._**

**_For now, I needed to stay focused and sober, nothing would distract me from my purpose._**

**_Not even Brittany._**

* * *

Early Monday morning, I stood in the guest room at Sandra's house staring at my reflection in the mirror. I had decided that I was going to actually wear shorts today since I would be getting the stupid ankle monitor off on my way to the airport.

I was flying commercial and really didn't need anything to slow down my travel plans. I wanted to get out of New York as soon as possible and I didn't want anything to get in my way.

I was feeling a bit insecure because I had put on a few pounds in rehab on top of my pregnancy weight and was closing in on 150 pounds which is such a scary thing for someone like me. Add to that the fact that I would be actively trying to eat three meals a day from now on and you had me feeling like shoving my fingers down my throat.

But I was passed that.

I was better than that these days.

My arm had a fading purple bruise on it that I had wisely kept hidden from Sandra for the past week and if I wanted Britt to not have the world rain down on her, I would be wise to keep Sue from seeing it as well. I wasn't sure how I could lie about it or if I could hide it but I would sure try.

It wasn't that I was trying to protect Brittany because that was the last thing that I really wanted to do but I still love her and even though I think she's being really immature. I understand her in a way that no one else does...aside from her mom and Sue.

She hadn't meant to hurt me. I'm sure of it.

I sound like such a fool...even to myself.

Who am I kidding?

I sound like a battered and abused woman...don't I?

_"Is that a bruise?"_ I whipped around so fast that I nearly tripped over the baby's car seat.

Damariz stood there staring at me and then turned around and shut the bedroom door and locking it.

She walked back over to me and sat just in front of me on the edge of the bed.

_"Can I see it?"_ she sighed as she held her hands out to me.

I was hesitant but I did as she asked and gave her my arm.

She lightly touched the swollen skin and then leaned in and kissed it.

I dropped my eyes but she tilted my head so that I could look at her.

_"Did Britt do that to you?"_ she didn't look mad, just concerned.

_"Yes."_ I said not offering much more of an explanation.

She sighed again and then patted the bed right next to her. I looked at her and then sat down next to her. She grabbed my hand and pulled it in her lap.

_"Has anyone ever told you how Saul and I met?"_ she said as she played with my fingers.

_"No...I don't know much about you guys actually."_ I admitted with a frown. How was that possible?

Saul was just always that quiet, brooding guy in the background.

* * *

_"Saul is ten years older than me and was married once before. He was with Sylvia for five years. They were happy and he thought that he would love her forever but then she cheated on him with some guy from work that she had been hanging with after work and then Saul cheated and she cheated again. They went back and forth like that for a year, I think. She ended up getting pregnant...she had an abortion though and ended up filing for divorce from him. They had been childhood best friends but now they had all this bitterness between them. It killed the best parts of their friendship. Soon after the divorce, she went off and married Saul's best friend, Dominic...my boyfriend at the time. He just came to me one day and said...'Guess what I did...I went to Vegas and got married...isn't that cool?' I punched him in the face and broke his nose. Anyway, Saul and I met when I dropped Dominic at the hospital. We laughed at our crazy connection and fell in love soon after."_

_"Wow."_ I said as I looked at her in shock.

_"Yea...I say all this to say...that you and Brittany are childhood best friends, first loves and all that. I've been watching you each become bitter more and more. When you left for rehab...she tried. For a good two weeks she tried...but then that girl started hanging her around and slowly showed Brittany what she was missing out there...just like that she was out every night and coming back with people. Sandra put her foot down and they stood toe to toe in the dining room. It took me and Celia to hold Sandra back from killing her. After that she rebelled completely. Saul and I talked about it and he sees that look of rebellion in Britt that he saw in Sylvia. He says it's good that you stepped back."_

_"Yea? Why?"_

_"You and Britt are meant for each other Ana. You both know it, I know it but the problem with that is that at your age...shit my age and even your mom's age...forever is a really long time! That's scary. Britt is still a kid and I think without you there constantly reminding her that she had to grow up and with us stepping in so easily to take care of the kids...she remembered that she's still young. She realized that she doesn't want this life right now. She wants to be young and free."_

_"So do I...she can't think that I don't want that too."_

_"But Ana...that's not who you are. You have been through so much...more than most people in middle age and so even if you had the opportunity to go out there and live it up...you wouldn't. You grew up before your time and you have been dragging Brittany along for the ride. She's not ready yet. It's selfish. It's hurtful but it's the truth. You frustrate her. It's like seeing your destiny before your ready. So this time apart...however long it may be...is good if you guys are looking at forever. Just...give her time."_

_"What if I don't want to wait for her, Mari?"_

She cocked her eyebrow.

_"Don't you?"_

_"I do."_

_"See...you already know what you want. So now you just have to let it happen. In the meantime...stay away from her. Even if she comes to Lima...don't stay around her alone. She's dangerous off of those meds. I don't want you to be hurt again."_

_"Okay."_

_"You were smart not to let Celia or Sandra see that. Keep icing it, okay?"_

_"Thanks Mari."_ I wrapped my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder. _"That was just what I needed to hear."_

_"Anytime. I hope it helped."_

_"More than you know."_

* * *

The moment that the ankle monitor was off of my ankle, I felt so much freer.

I had to sign paperwork and stuff and then I was free to go. I walked with a strut as I carried Daniela through the police station. I know I probably looked like a maniac but I really didn't fucking care what these people thought. Hopefully, I wouldn't have to deal with them ever again unless I was like on their side of the law.

When I got to the airport, I was met with a surprise.

_"What the hell are you doing here, Fabray?"_ I said as I came to a stop in front of my best friend in the terminal.

_"I thought you might want some company?"_

_"And where is my son?"_

She looked all shifty eyed and then looked me in the eye with that wall of indifference that she was always so good at throwing up when she was preparing to be attacked.

_"Susan has him."_ she tilted her chin and essentially dared me to have a problem with Britt's mom having my son.

_"Who's idea was that, exactly?"_ I didn't care that Susan wanted to see him, I just wanted it to be because she wanted to and not because anyone forced him on her.

_"Hers. She saw me in the supermarket with him a few days ago...she thought you and B were in town. Apparently, Britt hasn't been in contact with her own parents for months now."_

_"Oh...that's unusual."_ I said as I dug for my ticket in my bag as I shifted the baby carrier to the side a bit.

_"Well...she asked if she could spend time with him and I didn't think you would mind so I said she sure could. So she has had him all weekend. I told her that I wanted to fly out and meet you so she said she would keep him a while longer and we could all have a late lunch at Breadstix. What do you think?"_

I put my hands on my hips. _"Two things...I can't resist Susan and you know I can't resist Breadstix!"_ I said with a big smile. I was sure that I was accumulating drool already just thinking about it.

_"Great...and if you want we can still get in to get a mani-pedi...she wants to spend time with Dani."_

_"We'll see. Lets get there first okay?"_

_"Sure."_

_"Lima here I come."_ I muttered as we made our way onto the plane.

Thank God that I got first class...I was suddenly insanely tired. I was putting someone on godmother duty as soon as we got seated. I needed a nap if I was going to have to talk to Susan without Britt present because odds are that she didn't know about her daughter dating Grady or being off her meds.

God help me.

* * *

I never thought that I would greet Lima again so willingly.

But here I was, holding my little girl in my arms and walking off the plane in Dayton willingly with Quinn by my side.

Daniela had been supremely calm on the plane ride, thankfully! She slept the whole way in Quinn's arms and even if she had fussed I would have whipped my boob out so fast there would have been no issue.

I spent the whole plane ride thinking about how things had ended up so scrambled between me and Brittany. Quinn had been pretty quiet the whole way and just held my hand.

Which was better than any conversation that we could of had at that point.

I was glad that Mari and I had gotten that chance to talk because it really helped me put some things in perspective and so now when I saw Susan, I would have somethings that I could say to her.

_"Ready?"_ Quinn said as she pulled my suitcase behind her and looped an arm around mine.

_"As ready as I can be."_

_"I'm really proud of you San. Like super proud."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Absolutely."_

She steered me towards passenger pick-up and there sitting waiting was Susan holding hands with a very excited Isaac who was jumping up and down next to her.

I leaned into Quinn's shoulder.

_"You could of told me she was picking us up." _

_"How else were we getting back to Lima, San? She dropped me off." _Quinn rolled her eyes and then dropped her sunglasses over her eyes and plastered a smile on her face._ "Well hey there Izzy! Susan! How was the park?"_

_"He doesn't like ducks."_ Susan said in mock seriousness. _"He kept trying to kick them." _

_"Right on...that's my boy."_ I chuckled as I ruffled his hair.

_"Mami! Baby!"_ he squealed. _"Gam, up?"_ He held his arms up to Susan and she obliged by scooping him up so that he could see me better. I smiled really huge when he leaned over and kissed Daniela on the head and then lightly rubbed her her curls. _"My baby."_ he said sweetly. I looked over at Quinn in disbelief and she shrugged and began to move to the back of the van so that she could put my suitcase in the back.

_"Your son is quite possessive...no idea where he gets that from."_ Quinn said before lifting her sunglasses and winking at me.

_"His father."_ I said and stuck my tongue out at her.

He didn't get that from me did he?

* * *

Quinn sat in the back seat with the kids and was singing her heart out while I sat next to my (ex?) mother-in-law in the front.

The drive between Dayton and Lima was an hour and so I knew that I couldn't stay quiet the whole time but I sure wished that I could. I just didn't want to deal with this. I loved Susan, she was there for me when my own mother was absent and she looked at me as another daughter. I hadn't seen her since before the coma and was really happy to be with her again.

I had missed her.

_"So...Quinn tells me that you and Brittany are taking some time apart?"_ Susan said as she turned onto the highway.

We had made it five minutes before I was forced to speak.

Just great!

_"It's more than that Susan. There's so much that you don't know."_ I said as I stared out at the Ohio countryside. I had missed this more than I had realized.

_"Can I know? Will someone clue me in on what's going on at some point?"_ Susan bit out with more anger than I knew she could muster.

_"I will tell you whatever you want to know, Susan, you know that."_ I said as I placed a placating hand on her shoulder. "_No matter what Britt does, you are still my family. I promise you that." _

She visibly calmed and then nodded her head.

_"Are you getting a divorce?"_ she asked quietly.

I sighed heavily...Britt really had been out of touch with her mother.

_"We were never legally married. So that's not necessary."_ I said quietly.

_"Excuse me? I was in New York...I was there."_

_"I blackmailed the judge...I wasn't divorced yet and so he was going to file the papers once the divorce went through and he never did."_

_"Brittany knows this?"_

_"I told her. She knows."_

_"Which is why it was so easy for her to leave you?" _

_"I broke up with her."_ I said as I looked out my window. I couldn't bare to see Susan's face as she interrogated me.

_"How is she doing?"_

_"I think she's doing just fine."_ I could feel the anger running through me but I tried to think positively.

This too shall pass.

Don't worry about what you can't change.

_"Why do you say it like that? She must be devastated."_ Susan said in disbelief.

_"She's already seeing someone else."_ I said quietly as I thought of the tall dancer that towered over her. It made my skin crawl to imagine him touching her where I had touched her.

_"Is it Frankie again?"_ Susan slammed a hand against the steering wheel.

_"No...it's...his name is Grady. He's one of the dancers on the show."_ I pressed my palms against my burning eyes.

I didn't want to cry about this.

I just wanted to act like it never happened.

_"A guy? I thought she was done with guys after Artie?"_ she was the one resting a hand against my shoulder this time.

But I still couldn't bring myself to look at her.

_"Yea well...she wasn't...I guess."_

_"Has she been having him around the kids?" _

I turned to look at her finally when I saw that we were stopped at an intersection.

_"She hasn't been seeing the kids. She...I went to see her when I got out of rehab and she did this."_ I rolled up my sleeve and Quinn literally leaped forward between the seats to get a look at the bruise on my arm. _"Then she told me that I forced the kids on her...she denied them. I was holding Daniela at the time. She just...she isn't on her meds right now and I think...I think all that good she had built up...all the faith and love she built up...is slipping away now."_ I rolled down my sleeve and turned away from them and looked back towards the window.

I wanted to escape the car ride.

Thankfully though, after showing Susan what Britt had done, she didn't feel like continuing the conversation.

I closed my eyes and rested my face against the cool glass.

My heart hurt.

I just needed to get to Sue's so that I could focus on something else.

I was going to capitalize on her obsession with perfection and enlist her to help me get into shape.

For now though...I was going to have to allow Susan into what was going on because even with all her rebellion, Britt still listened to her parents. Maybe this would help Susan stop waiting for Brittany to reach out for her, and she would take initiative and go see her. I knew that she wouldn't tell Brittany what I had said and she would only bring up the bruise when the time was right.

Brittany needed her.

She may be the last hope for helping Brittany find herself again.

There was nothing that I could do anymore.

At least not while I was trying to get myself together.

* * *

_"Are you sure that you are okay with them for a few hours?"_ I asked Susan as she dropped us off at the nail salon.

_"Absolutely. You deserve this."_

_"Thanks Susan! See you in a few hours!"_

_"Bye girls!"_

I watched Susan pull off and it immediately reminded me of the time before I got my license and she used to drop of me and Britt off at the mall. It made me hurt just a bit.

Thank God for Q.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me towards the door of the salon.

_"Come on San...we don't have to talk about her...we can just gossip. Okay?"_ she said as she pulled open the door and shoved me forward.

_"Thanks."_ I said as I made my way over to one of the tables.

We sat side by side and got our nails buffed and polished and Quinn seemed to be deep in thought.

_"What's up Lucy Q?"_

_"It's Rach...she has been talking to a few of the glee clubbers and apparently Mike Chang wants to propose to girl Chang in an elaborate way. She wants to get everyone together and help like we did with Mr. Schue and Bambi." _

_"With the pool...please tell me no pool!" _

Quinn looked at me in shock.

_"Does that mean you're in?"_

I shrugged.

_"As long as there isn't a pool involved. Then yes."_

_"Great! She's going to be so excited! Now I just have to convince Kurt."_

_"Is he home too?"_

_"Nope...he's doing a fashion internship back in Manhattan for the summer but he's free on Sundays and Mondays. He'll fly in if I ask him. He hasn't been in the best of spirits since Blaine broke up with him."_

_"He did?"_

_"Oh...you didn't know...right...it happened when Kurt came to see Blaine graduate a few weeks ago. Blaine is going to school at Oxford he said there was no way he was going to try and do an international relationship. He said he didn't want to hold Kurt back from being amazing. So they are just taking space kind of like you and Br-" _

I shot her a glare and she quickly turned and started yapping with the nail lady about colors.

I didn't say much after that. It seemed that even though I had escaped Britt for the summer...she was going to constantly be popping up.

Sue was my last hope at this point.

* * *

_"Talk to me San...please?"_

We sat with our feet in the bubbling water. I had been texting for the past twenty minutes with a few people and had basically been ignoring her but now she had, had enough of the silent treatment.

_"If you want to talk about Brittany, you can forget it."_ I said without looking up at her.

_"You can't just act like this isn't happening."_

_"Fuck...I thought I'd get away from having to process my fucking feelings...at least with you. You and I...we never talked about stuff unless it was necessary."_

_"Well...it's necessary now, San."_

_"Fine...you want me to talk...I'm hurting, Q. I tried my best. I gave rehab my all. I tried so hard to do things right. To do things how I was supposed to be doing. She walked away from me...from us. Why is that so easy for her? Always! With Artie, with Finn, with Frankie, with you and Rachel and now with this guy. Why is it so easy for her?"_

_"I don't think it is." _

I looked at her in shock and rested a hand against my cheek and tried to count my breaths, my heartbeats...anything to keep from snapping from the one available friend that I had at the moment.

_"Tell me why you think that Q."_ I whispered between deep breaths._ "Tell me how it's not easy for her?"_

_"Brittany doesn't know how to exist on her own...especially not without you. That's why she jumps into people's beds. When she feels like she can't do things on her own...she looks for comfort. That shit with the cheating was just because...that's what I always thought but then when she was so level with me after you and I...you know...I figured it out. She understood us jumping into bed for comfort because that is what she does. She knew what it was. She recognized it. You went to rehab and she had to start taking charge without you to fall back on...she didn't like it so she found comfort where she could. Frankie and Rachel aren't available...Ari and Tony will never go there and neither would I. So what does she do...she leans on the first idiot that looks her way."_

I sat there in shock.

Why the fuck couldn't I see that?

How had I not realized this about my own wife?

_"So now...she has him to lean on? So she will never learn...I guess this really is over, I thought she loved me." _I played with my phone just to keep my hands busy. I wasn't craving, I was just processing.

Go me.

I needed Henry.

_"It's not over...she does love you. She just needs to find her own. It's partially our fault. We babied her in high school, even on the Cheerios. We never let her shine."_

I nodded in agreement.

_"I don't think Grady is going to last long. I have it on good authority that he is kind of just using her." _Quinn shrugged._ "I thought of warning her but you know Britt...she's too stubborn and she is definitely not going to listen to me."_

_"Who told you that?"_

_"Rachel...Dionne told her."_

_"Wow."_

_"So it's just a matter of time before Britt realizes that she ruined a good thing with you and comes crawling back."_

_"I don't want that Q." _I looked at her sharply._ "I don't want her to come crawling back. I want her to come back when she is ready to be a family. Ready to be my wife, full-time."_

_"Don't hold your breath."_

_"Trust me...I hadn't planned on it."_

* * *

_"Look who finally decided to show up!" _Sue said as she opened the front door of her sizable house in West Lima. I had Isaac perched on my hip and Quinn held Daniela and smiled brightly.

_"Hi coach!" _she said just as perky.

_"Q! Good to see you!"_

_"Same here coach!" _

_"Well come on in!" _she briskly turned around and made her way to towards the stairs.

Sue was prepared. She and Tor had apparently gotten a whole room painted for the kids to stay in. It was amazing. Isaac squealed when he saw a life sized Elmo. Before I knew it he was sitting on the floor talking to the thing.

_"Cute kid you got there Lopez."_

_"Thanks." _

_"So if I were Schuester I would have been hugged by now." _she said as she looked at me and Q sternly.

I opened my arms and hugged my old cheer coach and was soon joined by Quinn and the baby.

_"Okay that's enough." _she said as she stepped out of the hug.

Same old Sue.

Just what I needed!

* * *

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Review! Do you still want that Britt POV? I will try...if you really, really want it? **


	4. Chapter 4:Where Did It Go Wrong?

**A/N: Hey Brittanics! What do you think of this possible break up in Season 4? Just know that it will be easier because I have been prepping you for it! ;) I'm still sticking with a happy ending though.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Where Did It Go Wrong? (Anthony Hamilton)**

* * *

_**"So if I were Schuester I would have been hugged by now." ****she said as she looked at me and Q sternly.**_

_**I opened my arms and hugged my old cheer coach and was soon joined by Quinn and the baby.**_

_**"Okay that's enough." ****she said as she stepped out of the hug.**_

_**Same old Sue.**_

_**Just what I needed!**_

* * *

_"Looks like I have my work cut out for me! How did you get this out of shape Lopez...I'm shocked."_

I was bent over at the edge of the track after running only one mile.

_"Well coach..." _I choked back a breath "_...I just had two kids...I had surgery on my lungs...and I am a recovering drug addict."_

_"Which is why I thought you would be skinnier." _she barked at me as she held my son in her arms.

_"I don't need this pressure, Sue." _I said curtly as I gulped down water.

_"Actually you do, that's why you are here, if you wanted to be coddled you would be back in New York or with your mother."_

I stood there looking at her feeling a bit shell shocked.

_"Tor...get down here and show Santana here how to run this track." _

Tor stood from the bottom bleacher and handed me Daniela before leaning over and stretching.

_"Don't let her fool you Ana, she is just as excited to have you here as you are to be here...she missed you." _Tor said before standing up and looking at her adoptive mother._ "Be nice, Sue." S_he said with a smirk before taking off around the track at a speed that was fast but not faster than my fastest.

_"I know you think you can out run her, Lopez, and maybe at some point you could but right now...you aren't running half as fast as you used to. You're not in good shape." _

_"How do I get back there? What's it going to take?"_

_"Stop carrying that extra weight around." _She said as she shifted Isaac to her other hip and turned to glare at me. Only she wasn't glaring.

_"I'm trying." _

_"I'm not talking about the fat...I can get that off you. What I'm talking about is you carrying around Brittany. You have to stop worrying about her." _

_"I'm here, aren't I?" _I crossed my arms over my chest and glared.

_"Maybe physically. Look, Lopez...I know this is difficult for you. I do care about my trinity. It kills me to see you all at odds. This though...can't be fixed unless you stop depending so much on Brittany."_

_"I'm not!" _I said, rolling my eyes.

_"You are and you know it. She's in the city and has moved on. She's trying to work through her stuff...she may be doing it all wrong but she's doing it. When she was here and you were off in the city...sleeping for all those months-"_

_"I was in a coma."_

_"Whatever...look...she was here and she had a goal and she didn't carry you on her back. She worked her ass off every day to get back to where she needed to be. She has a drive...that's why she lasted as a Cheerio. Nothing stands in that girl's way. Nothing. You could learn something from that."_

_"I don't think I have ever heard anyone say that about Britt. I mean she almost flunked her senior year." _I tried to argue.

_"But she didn't...she knew that you and the baby needed her so she got it together and graduated."_

_"You're right."_

_"Of course I am...now...why don't you take your son here and walk around the track...at his pace...I see we are going to have to build up your stamina." _

She put Isaac down and then took Daniela from me. It somehow wasn't as weird as I thought it would be to see her with my kids. It seemed like a softer side of her appeared. I'm sure this what it was like when her sister was still alive.

_"You got it coach."_

* * *

She smiled as she headed over to the bleachers with the baby. Tor was still running as if this is what she did all day, every day. I held onto Isaac's little hand and began to walk with him. I heard footsteps coming up behind me and went to move but they slowed and fell in step with me.

_"Mind if I walk with you?" _Tor said as she readjusted her ponytail.

_"I'd like that actually."_

I definitely needed to catch up with her. She had gotten shoved to the back burner when all that shit went down back in September. At least Sal made sure she went somewhere safe.

I couldn't think of anyone that would protect Ian's little sister like Sue could...not even me.

_"So...have you thought of going by the cemetery?"_

Wow.

_"No...actually...I haven't. I wasn't sure if I could handle it."_

_"I get that."_

_"Have you been?"_

_"A few times but not too much. Sue wants me to focus on living in the present."_

_"Yea...listen to her."_ I looked at her and could see her nod._ "Sue is a major part of why I even survived to graduation. She's a hard ass...but she's amazing."_

_"I was so freaked when your lawyer told me that she was hoping to adopt me. I was like...oh crap...but then I thought about it...she's a lot like you were in high school and I actually like you. So I gave it a shot. She's been nothing but awesome. She's tough on me and doesn't cut me any slack but, I also know that I can trust her with everything. I talk to her about everything and she puts school Sue aside."_

_"I know what you mean."_

_"Look...I know that you weren't like in love with my brother or anything...but I was wondering...um...did you love him at all?"_

_"Of course. Yes! I loved Ian so much and I tried to be in love with him...but I'm gay and I'm in love Brittany...hopelessly so."_

_"Yea...that's what I thought...I just had to ask. I mean you did get pregnant by him...twice which means you had to have slept with him at least that much."_

_"Me and your brother...it was complicated. He loved me...he was in love with me. He decided that he was before I met him. When I found that out...I used it against him. He should have hated me but he didn't. He just kept right on loving me. And when I used him again...he was still there. So when I went to him and asked him to get me pregnant...again. He didn't even question my motives. He just looked at me straight in the eyes and told me that he would give me whatever I wanted. I hated myself afterwards because the look in his eyes was always one of longing and I just kept on tormenting him...dangling love in front of him and then running back to Brittany."_

_"Why?" _I heard the sniffle and looked over at her.

My heart dropped. Her whole face was red and wet with tears.

_"I was stupid. I mean...I don't regret my kids...I love them. I love having a piece of him with me. He was...is...my guardian angel. I wish that I could have fallen in love with him. I really do."_

_"If Brittany has hurt you so much why do you keep going back to her? My brother would have never hurt you."_

_"For the same reason that Ian kept coming back to me."_

_"And that is?"_

_"It's better to have her in some capacity than to not have her at all. Simple as that." _

_"That's crazy."_

_"Love is crazy...you'll see. The heart wants what it wants and you can fool yourself with all the beards and sex that you want but at the end of the day nothing matters but being with that person that makes your heart happy."_

* * *

_"Do you blame yourself for his death?"_

_"I do."_

_"So does my mom...but can I tell you...that Ian...he had a lot of demons and I don't think you could have saved him. I think that you prolonged his life for that extra year but in the end there was nothing anyone could of done."_

_"Why do you think that?"_

_"Because this wasn't the first time he attempted suicide...this was just the first time that he was successful."_

I stopped walking and felt my heart thudding in my throat.

_"What?"_

She turned around and grabbed Isaac's hand and pulled him along. He looked up at me and I nodded and began to walk with them.

_"Walk, Mami?" _he said softly.

_"Yes, Papa, walking."_

_"Nice." _he said before laughing to himself.

_"The night of the party...before Azimio made him go...he had tried to down a whole bunch of pills but I caught him when he had already taken about four...he still had a handful. When he saw my face...he stopped and that's when Azimio showed up."_

_"Wow."_

_"Then after that...the night you called Azimio...and told him about the baby...just before then, my mother had found him with that gun and put him out of the house. He ended up at Azimio's and that's when you called."_

_"After that?"_

_"He didn't try again until that day...when you were around...he didn't look the same...he was happy...he had a purpose. You and Isaac. When he found out about the new baby, he was so thrilled...but then that stuff happened and he couldn't take it anymore."_

_"What stuff? What happened just before then?"_

_"A lot happened."_

_"Tell me Tor, please?" _I looked over at her and could see that this was really hard for her.

_"He found out...that...Uncle Thomas...my father...was his father too."_

_"No."_ I whispered as I stopped again. This time though I scooped up Isaac and walked slowly back towards the bleachers.

_"Santana?"_ I stopped where I was and turned back towards Ian's little sister. She looked at me with a hurt expression. _"That doesn't make a difference right? I'm not diseased because of who my father is...so neither was Ian, right?"_ she was begging me to help her through one of the biggest struggles in her life.

She regretted being the spawn of that man but she had always known so for her it wasn't the end of the world but Ian worshiped his father and his Da. This broke his heart. He couldn't deal with that kind of truth.

_"It was too heavy for him but no...you aren't diseased. We can't help who our parents are. You aren't diseased Tor."_ I was back in front of her and was walking again with an arm thrown over her shoulders.

_"You mean that?"_

_"I do. You are not diseased."_

_"That's good to hear."_

_"So is it true? Is Thomas his father?"_

_"No."_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"After he died my mom admitted that she was just trying to make him upset."_

_"Well she succeeded. Didn't she?" _

_"A little too well."_

_"I second that."_

* * *

I was putting Isaac down for the night and was preparing to feed the baby when my phone rang. I wasn't going to answer it but at the last second, I decided that I should.

It was Quinn.

_"You know it's bedtime right?"_ I said as I got the baby situated.

_"This is important." _

_"How important?"_

_"Britt's here."_

_"What?"_ I froze and looked around as if she was going to materialize out of the wallpaper. _"Where is she, at her mom's?"_

_"No...she's literally here. She's downstairs in the living room with Rachel."_

_"You're kidding."_

_"I wish I was. She's looking for you. Apparently, nobody will tell her where you are. She's gone to your sisters, your mom, her mom, and now she is looking for me...but I haven't seen her yet. I was at the top of the steps when she came in. Rachel texted me to stay upstairs and call you. She's stalling her. Tell me what to do."_

_"Tell her where I am."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Look, Sue is here...nothing is going to happen."_

_"I'm not sure about this...I mean...you ended up in that coma and we were just a few feet away from you."_

_"Trust me."_

_"I do. You know that."_

_"Call me back later, okay. I need to get this baby to sleep. She's glaring at me."_

_"Alright. I'll call back when she leaves."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

_"Anything for you, San. Bye."_

* * *

Since she didn't nap all day, Daniela fell asleep insanely fast, thank goodness. I put her to bed in the nursery and then while clutching my phone, I made a stop by Sue's office.

_"Coach?"_ I knocked.

_"Come in."_

I walked in and noticed the stark contrast between her office at school and her home office. It was all wood and had a bunch of book shelves with nice polished books and instead of a desk she just had a huge TV and a couch. It was like a man cave.

I liked it.

I needed to get myself one of these rooms.

_"What's wrong?"_

My attention snapped back to her and I sighed heavily before dropping into the recliner.

_"Britt's in town...she's coming to see me."_

_"When?"_

_"Now."_

_"Unacceptable. She can't just drop in on you like this on her time schedule. You will never gain the upper hand if you allow her to just show up here. Have I taught you nothing?"_

_"I'm tired, coach. I don't want the upper hand. I just want my Britt Britt back."_

_"If you want her long term this is not the way to do it."_

_"She's already on her way."_

_"Then I'm going to sit in the room. When she gets here...you bring her in here."_

_"Okay."_

_"I mean it."_

_"Okay!"_

* * *

It was awkward as Britt followed me into Sue's office.

_"Sit."_

Sue stood by the door and gestured towards the couch that she had just been sitting on.

I sat down in one of the corners and Britt tried to sit right next to me but Sue glared at her until she moved over to the other end of the couch. I folded my feet up onto the couch and grabbed a pillow to hold in my lap.

Sue shut the office door and then sat in the recliner and turned the tv back on but turned it low. She was at least pretending to look away from us even though I knew she was watching closely.

_"Is she going to leave?"_ Britt whispered to me.

I shook my head and then began to play with the tassels on the pillow.

_"Why are you here, B?"_ I said looking at her with my best bitch smirk.

_"I wanted to see you."_

_"And the kids?"_ I felt my eyebrow rise.

_"Yea...and the k-kids."_ she stuttered out.

_"Don't lie to me." _

_"Fine...I didn't come to see them...I'm an asshole. I get it. I came to see you. I needed my best friend. No strings attached."_

_"Our relationship...has never been no strings attached, B. You know that."_

_"Can we talk alone?"_

I went to answer but Sue slammed down her remote on the side table.

_"Do you really think that's wise, Brittany? Did you not just get physical with her just a week ago with a baby in her arms?" _Sue was glaring and Britt was glaring back at her.

I looked down at the pillow and avoided both of their glares.

_"You're not my coach anymore...you don't scare me."_

_"Hogwash! The fear in you is so deep seeded that you are shaking at the sound of my voice alone! I own your fear!" _I glanced up and true to the fact, Britt was shaking slightly.

_"Ana, tell her that I didn't hurt you. I wasn't rough!" _

I didn't look up.

_"Show her your arm Lopez." _

I had thought that the bruise would have gone away by now but it was still purple and a little tender to the touch. I peeled off my jacket and just sat there.

_"What part of that isn't rough!" _Sue growled at her as she pointed at my arm, I could tell that she was trying her best to not raise her voice since the kids were just down the hall.

_"I-I didn't mean it..." _

_"I'm sure you didn't mean to put her in a coma either."_

_"I didn't."_

_"Answer her question and then leave." _Sue said calmly as she sat back down and picked up her remote._ "And Lopez, lift up your head for God's sake!" _

I snapped my head up and saw Britt's blue eyes staring through to my soul.

_"He broke up with me. He and Dionne aren't sister and brother...they are a couple. It was too late to fire them...my bosses would have fired me if they knew I had been sleeping with him."_

_"Okay? So...let me get this right...you came all the way here to tell me that? For what reason?"_

_"I want to work stuff out."_

_"Then work it out."_

_"With you."_

_"No." _

She sat there with that puppy dog face and just looked at me in shock.

_"What do you mean, no?"_ she said as she clenched her fists.

_"No, Brittany. I'm not letting you back."_

_"Why not? You're my wife."_

_"No...I'm not. It's over Britt. Go back to New York."_

_"I can't...I used my last bit of money to get here...Sandra had Sal...take me off the account."_

_"Good."_

_"How can you be so cold? After everything that I have done for you?"_ she was now standing over me, thrusting her finger towards my face and yelling. I didn't move a muscle as I looked up at her.

We had been here before...I wasn't afraid of her.

_"You make it easy, Britt." _I said as I slowly stood to my feet. I hadn't been paying attention but Sue had because by the time that I was on my feet, Sue had Britt's arm in her hand. She had caught her mid swing.

_"You need to leave." _she growled at Brittany.

_"Gladly." _she turned and made her was towards the door but I was faster this time. I was in front of her now and was cornering her against the door.

Deja vu...except this time...I was in control.

_"Listen up good, Brittany. You try that shit one more time and you will never see me or those kids again, got it? You can pretend all you want that it doesn't matter to you but I know that it does. I know that we mean the world to you."_

_"Then why won't you take me back?" _she looked defeated now.

_"If you were me...would you take me back?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then I'm glad that you're not me, because I am not getting back into this relationship...not now and if you continue to go off the wall...never again. I'm not your consolation prize. It's me and me alone or you can just forget about us."_

_"What about the kids?" _

_"My kids?"_

_"Our kids."_

_"When it suits you, they're yours? You can be a fucking cunt all you want with me, B...but when it comes to those innocent babies...you will not be in and out of their lives. In OR out...that's it. I refuse to have them go through that kind of thing. I can do this on my own, I don't need you."_

_"But you want me? Still...right?"_

_"Not off your meds, not up and down. Not when you can't stay out of other people's beds!."_

_"You're one to talk."_

_"I never said that I was perfect. Look at our track records, B. I fucked around with Ian while you fucked around with Frankie...but once I found out I was pregnant and you and I fixed us...I was faithful. I stayed faithful while you still fucked Frankie and Rachel. I came out of that coma and still came back to you. That shit with Quinn...was a fucking mistake. I apologized for it...I nearly died over it. You have no fucking remorse. You fuck who you want and can still do it over and over without thought of me or the kids. Your kids!"_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Not good enough."_

_"What do I need to do?"_

_"You need to leave. I need to work on me right now, I need to give my children a peaceful environment. I need to surround them and myself with happiness and love."_

_"I can give you that."_

_"No...you can't. Your fucking delusional if you believe that! Now, Go."_

_"Please, Ana."_

_"Just...please...go." _

I reached around her and pulled the door handle. She looked at me with that sad look in her eyes but I wasn't buying it. I needed to get away from her. I needed to fight for myself and my kids. I was done fighting with Brittany.

I was done being an easy out for her.

If she wanted to be back in our lives...then she was going to have to become someone that we could depend on.

She definitely wasn't there yet.

* * *

_"Oh God, so amazing...so amazing...oh God...yes!"_

I felt like I was going to pass out!

I had left the kids with Sue and had driven to the Berry's, only to nearly blind myself with Quinn going down on Berry in the back seat of her car.

I wasn't going to cockblock so I found myself trying to plug my ears while sitting on the front step.

_"Right...Oh...how are you sooooooo...ugh...unh...gooooooood!"_

I had my hands over my ears and was humming but it just continued for another five minutes.

_"Damnit Berry, just cum already."_ I muttered.

Almost as if she heard me, I heard her shriek out and then there was silence.

_"Oh thank you, sweet baby Jesus!"_ I said as I stood to my feet and climbed up onto the porch and sat on the swing. I really didn't want any flashes of Berry when she opened the car door.

I sat there another few minutes knowing that Quinn always likes to get off last but she was quick if you knew how to do it right and when I heard that telltale grunt a few minutes later, I knew that Rachel did indeed know what she was doing.

I'm not surprised.

Fucking perfectionist!

* * *

_"Where are you San...no one in this neighborhood has a silver BMW?"_ I heard Quinn say loudly.

I chuckled to myself and stood to my feet.

_"See I told you I heard footsteps."_ Quinn said as she pulled Rachel up onto the porch.

_"Why don't you guys head in and get cleaned up...I can wait."_ I smirked at Berry and then followed them inside. _"Nice to see you by the way, Rachel. Staying sober?"_

As upset as I had been when I got to the house, this somehow made me feel a shitload better.

She nodded her head and looked up at me with a questioning eye.

_"How about you...these first couple weeks are hard...you okay?"_

_"I'm trying to be...I need to process I guess. I hope you don't mind?"_ I said as I sat on her living room couch.

_"No...of course not...just...we will be right back."_

_"No sex in the shower...I do have kids to get back to."_ I said as they walked up the stairs.

_"Fuck you San."_ Quinn called down.

_"Not again, thanks!"_ I winked before sitting back and checking my messages.

* * *

**_Ur right. I wudn't tke me u back if I were u.-B_**

**_Im in town 4 the nxt 2 wks 4 break. Cn we strt w/ lunch? Brdstx?-B_**

**_Im rlly srry about this. I do luv the kids. I miss thm so much! :(-B_**

**_Im styng w/ my parents, btw. I cnt go back to NY w/ thngs like this. :/-B_**

I didn't want to do it at first but I couldn't just leave this hanging.

She had to know that I was absolutely serious.

_**Lunch is too much right now. Even if it is Breadstix. Think smaller. Church?-Ana**_

I got an immediate response.

_**Wen?-B**_

_**Tomorrow night. Wed mass. As usual.-Ana**_

_**I'll b there.-B**_

_**OK.-Ana**_

_**I luv u-B**_

_**Prove it.-Ana**_

* * *

Before I could even react, Quinn had snatched my phone from me and was reading my messages.

_"What happened?"_

_"You were right...she tried to hit me...with Sue right there."_

_"I knew it!"_

_"Sue stopped her."_

_"Of course she did! No one has reflexes faster than her."_

_"I'm glad."_

_"So you are inviting her to church?"_

_"To mass...and I won't be alone. Her mom, my mom and you will all be there. She won't be able to touch me."_

_"Damn straight."_

_"I'll be there too." _

Rachel came into the room with a tray and sat it on the coffee table.

_"Always the perfect hostess, Berry?" _I arched my eyebrow at her.

_"There is nothing more comforting than warm tea and cookies. You did something major for me the day you dropped me off at rehab, what kind of person would I be if I wasn't courteous in your time of need?"_

I laughed, long and loud and it felt good.

_"Oh God...I have so missed you!" _I slapped a hand over my mouth but it was too late.

I had already said it and now she was throwing herself in my arms just like Britt used to do and hugging me tight.

_"You have no idea how much your friendship means to me Santana."_

_"I think I do."_ I squeaked out as I tried to breath.

Quinn pushed at Rachel's shoulders, thankfully.

_"That's enough Rach...she gets it. Remember our talk?"_

_"Oh right...clingyness isn't appreciated but the masses. Sorry." _She stood up and began to fill our cups as I shook out my arms which had been pinned to my sides.

_"It's okay Q, it's not like I haven't been hugged like that before." _I muttered as I shrugged out of my jacket and accepted the mug that was being handed to me.

_"So what happened?"_

* * *

By the time that I got back to Sue's I was dragging from processing my feelings with the greatest processor of them all.

Rachel Berry of course...so even though I had to be a victim of her moans while Quinn went to town on her, it was well worth it because I left the house feeling like I was handling things with Brittany correctly.

Sue was right, I couldn't let Britt back into my world too easily and while I'm sure she wouldn't agree on me inviting her to church, I had taken control right?

I mean I turned down Breadstix!

That's a huge sacrifice!

* * *

**_July 10, 2013_**

**_Hi Henry!_**

**_I know that I haven't written since I left rehab but I'm back now so that's good right?_**

**_So much has happened since then, so much is still happening._**

**_I'm happy right now in this moment though, because I had plenty of opportunity just now to go get drugs but I didn't. _**

**_Instead of getting high, I processed! I'm so proud of myself right now, Henry. I'm sure you are too! _**

**_In this moment...I know that I can make it through this. _**

**_Sobriety is mine if I want it and I still do! I'm going to my first N.A. meeting tomorrow night, I'm super nervous but I'm not going alone...Sue is going with me. _**

**_That's cool right?_**

**_Anyway, Sue is taking me for a run at sunrise...like cheer camp all over again...so I have to get some sleep._**

**_I hope that I can keep this feeling, that I have right now. _**

**_Pray for me?_**

**_Santana_**

* * *

**A/N: What did you think? Oh and despite my need to not split a chapter in the future...I think I might. We'll see! **

**Keep reading and review and I'll keep writing!**


	5. Chapter 5:I Care About You

**Chapter 5: I Care About You (Babyface)**

* * *

**_I hope that I can keep this feeling, that I have right now. _**

**_Pray for me?_**

**_Santana_**

* * *

You can go to bed with the of best intentions and feeling amazing but sometimes your dreams can fuck up all the processing.

Dreams can ruin all the progress you made and leave you awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat wishing that there was something more that you could do...something that could numb the pain.

I mean on a basic level, I knew exactly what I could do about it but I had worked way too fucking hard and had gone through way too many second and third chances to even think about getting high.

I didn't have anyone to fall back on if I screwed up this time.

I laid there staring at the clock for almost forty minutes before finally giving up on sleep and climbing out of the bed.

I did my morning stretching just like I had done for the four months of rehab.

I was so tired but there was no way that sleep would come easy tonight.

I needed to occupy my mind with positive thoughts.

* * *

I picked up my newest Coelho book and then walked down the hallway and into the nursery.

Being around my sleeping babies would serve as a reminder of my promise to them and to myself.

Dr. Clover told me that I had to surround myself with my motivations and there was none greater than the two souls that relied on me to stay clean.

As I was about to sit down I saw that I wasn't alone. There stood Tor soothingly rubbing Isaac's back.

_"Oh hey Santana...I didn't know you were coming back home tonight."_ She whispered.

_"Yea...there was no way that I was staying under the same roof with two horn dogs like Quinn and Rachel."_

My smile felt genuine and lightened a bit of the weariness that was hampering my soul that night.

_"He was whining and so I rubbed his back until he fell back asleep."_

_"Thank you."_

_"No problem...do you want to come downstairs and maybe talk some more?"_

I could tell that Tor was really trying to reach out to me and so I couldn't turn her down.

I didn't just want her to form a bond with the kids but I wanted to bond with her too. I didn't want another Ian on my hands.

I nodded and followed her down into the den that had trophies and Cheerio pics on every surface it seemed.

_"I'm going to grab some ice cream do you want any?" _Tor said as she stood in the doorway.

_"No thanks...something about this room makes me want to do the opposite of eat._" I tried to joke.

_"So two scoops then."_ She winked and walked away before I could answer.

* * *

I walked along the back wall and right in the center there was a picture of me, Quinn and Britt hugging Sue after we won Nationals in Freshman year.

We all looked so happy, none of us knowing that the rest of high school would be filled with so much struggle.

Teen pregnancies, drugs, physical abuse, and attempted murder.

At this point in my life, while I stood there happily, I had already been raped and had already miscarried.

So maybe I should have known back then that darkness was ahead for me and probably already did but surely the two blondes thought their futures were bright.

We were so naive.

Nothing was the same after this picture.

_"It's hard to believe this was just five years ago."_ I mumbled to myself.

* * *

_"Ahh my trinity at its purest."_

I heard Sue come up and stand beside me as I traced a finger over Britt's face.

_"Do you think that we could ever be this happy again?"_

_"You see the person in the center?"_

_"Me?"_

_"The center of their universe. If you can get back there then things will eventually fall in line. You were the anchor of my team. What Berry was for that glee club you were for those girls."_

_"So you think if I get back to that happy place that Britt will magically become less abusive? That my marriage will be saved."_

_"Screw the marriage, first you need to work on fixing your friendship."_

_"How?"_

_"Well...last I checked you are all terribly out of shape...how about a morning run for old times sake."_

_"A common enemy."_

_"Happily."_ Sue smiled and then headed back out of the room. _"Oh and enjoy the ice cream because in the morning we run ten miles!"_

_"I'm tired already!"_ I laughed as Tor came in the room and handed me a mountain of chocolate ice cream.

Sue had headed back to bed and so me and Tor camped out on the sofa with our huge bowls of deliciousness.

_"Ready to get chocolate wasted?"_ Tor laughed.

_"It's the only wasted I ever want to be."_ I winked.

As we sat there and I told her about the glory days of high school, my mood shifted.

I suddenly had a better idea of how to make Brittany and I work.

Sue was right, we definitely needed to become friends again.

* * *

I sat on the school track stretching out my legs when I heard lazy footsteps making their way towards me.

I didn't bother looking up.

I knew that Sue had dropped me off at the track alone only to go drag people out of their beds.

_"Hey."_ I looked up finally and saw Quinn looking at me with tired eyes. _"You couldn't have given me the heads up that Sue was going to show up and put a bull horn in my face?"_ she said as she sat next to me and began stretching.

_"Where is Sue?" _I asked as I looked behind her.

_"She literally shoved me out of the car and kept driving...I really think she is going to get Britt."_

_"I think you're right."_

_"What is this...some sort of Cheerios reunion?"_ Quinn sounded more tired than bitter. Working out was something that she really enjoyed so I knew that she was just grumpy without her morning pick me up.

_"A trinity reunion. She thinks that we need to rebuild our friendship."_

_"Right...Trinity sticks together."_

We heard the screeching of tires and jumped to our feet.

The roar of an engine seemed to be coming right at us and then, just like that Sue had driven up onto the football field.

_"She's insane."_ Quinn muttered as she moved to stand directly next to me.

She rested her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes.

When I saw Sue get out of the car and then go around to the other side and rip the door open, I started walking towards the car. _"Hey...warning next time."_

By moving so quickly, Quinn had nearly toppled over, I just rolled my eyes and pulled on her arm.

_"Time to wake up Lucy Q...lets go get our third before Sue kills her."_

* * *

Brittany stood next to the car in her duck shorts and a skimpy tank top. Her hair was all over her head and when she looked at me I could see that she had obviously spent the whole night crying.

_"Sorry I took so long...had to make sure crazy here, took her meds."_ Sue said as she reached in her car and grabbed her bullhorn.

_"Great."_ Quinn said as she turned around and headed towards the track. _"Come on ladies...the sooner we get to running, the sooner we can go back to bed." _

_"I second that."_

I followed Quinn as she fell back into the role of head cheerleader.

_"Get to moving your ass, Brittany!"_ Sue yelled through the bullhorn.

_"I don't need this...I'm already in shape! I dance every damned day! I'm tired!"_ she whined.

_"And yet you still had enough energy to strike Lopez...lets get move our asses!"_

_"This is ridiculous."_

_"You want to know what's ridiculous? You turning into a violent little twat!" _

My jaw dropped open but I didn't say anything...because I kind of agreed with her.

* * *

I started out slow, trying my best to build up a good pace and even though Sue was yelling through her bullhorn like a maniac, it wasn't at me.

It was at Brittany.

I looked to the side and could see that Britt was laying across the track and refusing to move.

Quinn had stopped and was trying to talk to her but she wouldn't budge.

I was still half the track away and didn't want to turn back because it would mess up my count but I knew that I needed to stop Sue because Britt was not going to be receptive to this kind of thing.

Yelling always made her retreat into herself which was why, Quinn was knelt next to her trying to talk to her quietly.

I stopped short as I headed back and stood next to Sue.

_"Can I borrow that?"_

I held my hand out and Sue reluctantly handed me her prized bullhorn.

I knew that she would be pissed but she would get over it, I took it and threw it as far as I could so that it landed in the center of the field. Thank God for track and field because it went further than I thought it would.

_"It's not helping, Sue. So either run with us or go sit in the car."_

She looked at me in anger but then brought her hands up and clapped slowly.

_"That's the spirit. Never do it again, Lopez."_ She said as she stormed off towards her bullhorn.

_"Get up B."_ I said as I crossed my hands over my swollen boobs. It was almost feeding time and I really wanted to get back to the baby.

_"No."_ She said as she pressed her face further into the clay.

_"Why not?"_

She rolled on her back and looked up at me with wet eyes.

_"I just don't want to do this."_

_"Why?"_

_"We aren't this magical trinity anymore...we are all screwed up."_

_"How's that anything new?"_ Quinn said hoarsely.

_"If we are supposed to grow up and fix ourselves separately...how can we do that if I am forced to be around not just one but both of you."_

_"You said you wanted to fix this."_ I said as I moved my hands to my hips in annoyance.

_"I do."_

_"If you are willing to fix this than you will do whatever it takes. I happen to agree with this. Sue isn't asking for side splits or for us to form a fucking pyramid. She just wants us to run together. Like we used to...back before I got pregnant...remember? Back when you and I were a duo within our little threesome. So why can't you do that...why can't you be serious about fixing this?"_

She was sitting up now and looking at me with more focused eyes.

Her meds had kicked in.

That's what I had been waiting for.

_"I do want to fix this, Ana but-"_

_"No buts...just do it then."_

I put my hand out to her so that I could help her to her feet.

The moment that she took my hand, I unexpectedly flinched.

What the actual fuck?

She noticed.

Quinn noticed.

Hell...I'm sure Sue even noticed.

Was I scared of her?

* * *

Once Britt was on her feet, everything went smoothly and we ran the ten miles that Sue had asked us to.

The sun was fully up as we crashed into the backseat of Sue's car.

Quinn sat as the buffer between me and Britt, thankfully, I don't think I could bare flinching again.

It just made me feel like a victim and even with Marco, I rarely felt that way.

Fucking love.

Why do I have to care so much?

_"Ana?"_ Britt said as she leaned forward and tried to touch my hand.

I pulled it into my lap and looked her in the eye.

_"Yes?"_

_"Would it be alright if I picked up Izzy and took him for the day?" _

_"Um...I'm not sure B."_ I said as I looked at Quinn.

_"That's your call, San...I'm definitely not getting in that."_ Quinn said as she held up her hands.

_"Okay, B...just...watch him...okay?"_

_"Thank you for this. I'll bring him to you at mass later...okay?"_

_"That's fine."_

I was filled with anxiety although I knew that Britt would never hurt Isaac, she had denied him and I was still hurting over it.

He loves her.

I can't stand in the way of it but I also don't want her to be wishy washy with him.

The car was quiet after that.

Even Sue had stayed out of that decision...it definitely was something that I needed to figure out.

* * *

Sue wouldn't let Britt come into the house to come get Isaac because of what happened the night before so she had to wait in the car with Quinn.

I quickly got Isaac dressed while he slept.

He was a late sleeper like me and since it was barely seven I knew that he would be asleep for another two hours at least.

_"Bye Bye?"_ He groggily asked as he rubbed his eyes.

_"Yes with Mama."_ I said to him as I sat him on the edge of the changing table and brushed through his mini afro. I needed to get his first haircut soon because it was just way too unruly.

I kissed his face a few times and put his strappy sneakers on him.

_"Yes, Mama." _

_"Dama?"_ He mumbled. I knew that she was in the car so technically he was correct.

_"Yes, Papa, Dama too."_

_"Wuv you, Mami."_

I looked up at him and was tempted to just keep him all day and try to get him to repeat that phrase but I couldn't be selfish.

I kissed him another time before putting him on the floor.

He sat down with his big Elmo and started to doze off, a great distraction when you are trying to quietly pack a bag for an unruly 1 year old, while a baby is sleeping a few feet away.

_"All ready."_ I said as I hoisted his bag on my shoulder and reached for his hand.

_"Up?"_

I leaned down and picked him up with one arm and then quietly left the room as he rested his head on my shoulder.

Sue was in the kitchen flipping pancakes when I got downstairs.

_"Ready?"_ I asked her.

_"I'm staying here...take the keys. Drop off Brittany first then Quinn, okay?"_

_"Yes, coach."_

_"Take care of my car."_

_"Of course."_

* * *

_"Where's Sue?" _Quinn said as I strapped Isaac into his seat. The moment he saw that Britt was sitting next to him his eyes lit up.

_"Mama?" _He looked at her and held out his hand._ "Beso...Mama?" _

Britt leaned in and he placed a hand on her cheek and then leaned forward and kissed her cheek. The look in her eyes changed as she interacted with our son and even though I didn't want to get my hopes up I could see that just that tiny moment, really spoke to her.

_"Thank you so much for this Ana...I don't deserve this chance but thank you for it anyway." _Britt said as she leaned between the seats and smiled at me.

I nodded and strapped myself into the car, happy that we were separated by the seat.

I looked over and saw that Quinn had made her way to the front at some point, thankfully.

_"You okay?" _she said to me quietly.

I nodded and revved up the car.

_"Never better, Q." _

She nodded and played with the CD player.

Journey blared through the speaker and we couldn't hold in our laughter!

Wow.

_"Wait until I tell Rach."_ Quinn said as she whipped out her phone and began furiously texting.

* * *

I wanted to listen to Sue, I really, really did but that just wasn't possible. Rachel was insisting that Quinn come home because they apparently had plans and Quinn was already making them late. So despite my trepidation, Quinn climbed out of the car and looked at me long and hard.

_"Please call me when you get home."_ There was definitely a warning in her tone.

_"I will, I promise."_

_"Bye Izzy!"_

_"Bye Dama!"_ he whispered in his sleepy voice.

I pulled away before Quinn got to the front door and headed the few blocks to the Pierce house.

Britt stayed in the backseat and continued to have a long conversation with Isaac.

My mind was going a million miles a minute as I made the drive to Britt's on autopilot.

This would be our first time being home and not being in a relationship.

It felt off and even though I had broken things off, it still made me feel uncomfortable.

* * *

How did I end up here, in a house alone with Brittany?

Susan wasn't home but Britt's dad was and when he saw Isaac as he was on his way out the door to go pick up his wife in Dayton, he insisted that he take his grandson. I couldn't argue with him and Britt didn't even try so here we were.

_"I'm going to head out."_

_"I'm not going to hurt you, Ana."_ she said as she fell back on the sofa.

_"Forgive me if I don't believe you."_ I said as I subconsciously rubbed at my arm.

_"Look...just...can you stay just a little while? Dad's going to be gone for the next hour and I just really don't want to be alone."_

_"I have to get back to Daniela."_ I said as I placed my hand on the door knob and started to turn it.

_"Please, Ana...please babe?"_ Her hands lightly grasped my waist and I just stood there like an idiot.

Resisting Brittany has always been my weakness and this wasn't any exception.

My hand dropped from the door as she lightly tugged my hand towards the stairs.

I followed her.

Nostalgia hit me as we slowly made our way up to her childhood bedroom.

I tried to tug my hand back and make my exit but she held my hand tightly. If I pulled any more, it would hurt.

She was on her meds...her anger was under control.

That's good right?

* * *

Once we were in her childhood bedroom, she locked the door and left me standing there next to her bed.

I looked over and there was that fat cat sitting on the window seat.

I knew that my eyes would puff up later as a result but for the moment, it wasn't so bad.

_"Why'd you bring me up here, Britt?"_ I said as crossed my arms over myself.

Britt stepped into my personal space and began to slowly pull at the hem of my tank top.

_"Because...I need a chance to show you...remind you why you love me."_

I went to speak but was suddenly captured in a crushing kiss.

I was so screwed.

I don't remember the part where I lost my clothes.

I don't remember how I ended up on the bed with her head between my legs.

My phone was buzzing in the pocket of my discarded shorts and I knew that it was either Sue or Quinn...maybe even both.

_"B...please...don't...stop...please."_ I whispered as she captured my clit and sucked it between her lips.

_"Fuck."_ I muttered as the shock waves ran through me. _"Oh God...Britt...st-stop. Fuck!" _

That served to encourage her because before I could even breathe her tongue was swirling and she was pushing it inside of me.

I was angry at myself as she made her way up towards my lips and managed to climb on top of me.

This didn't feel good...but my body didn't know the difference.

It was the first time in the history of our relationship that I faked an orgasm just so she would get off of me.

I felt dirty.

Her attempt had backfired.

The moment that she moved her hand, I was suddenly filled with adrenaline.

I jumped to my feet and started gathering my clothes.

_"Ana, wait!"_

_"I have to go...I'll see you at mass."_

I quickly got dressed and left her laying there with a confused look on her face.

This wasn't something that I could take time and explain to her.

This time, she was just going to have to figure it out all on her own.

* * *

The moment that I was alone in Sue's car, I began to cry.

_"What just happened?"_ I questioned the air.

I felt really gross and just wanted not see Britt ever again.

Unfortunately, I at least had to see her today because she had my son for the day.

I wanted her to go back to New York.

This was supposed to be my time to process and fix what was broken in my own life but I couldn't do that with her thwarting my efforts with moves like that one.

She knows that I can't resist her and she used that against me.

My phone was still buzzing but I wasn't going to bother to answer it, since I was pulling up outside of Sue's house.

I expected her to be standing there waiting for me with flames coming out of her ears but she wasn't.

In fact, when I walked into the house, she, Tor and Daniela were camped out in Sue's office watching a movie.

I poked my head in just to let them know that I was here.

_"I'm going to go jump in the shower and then I'll be back to feed her okay?"_

My voice came out hoarse and it was clearly apparent that I had been crying.

Sue arched her eyebrow but didn't do anything but nod in response.

* * *

The moment that I closed the door to the shower, I turned the water on to the hottest setting and began to arduously scrub my body until it started to sting.

I was angry at myself for letting things get that far.

I should have left the house when Britt's dad left.

That was my mistake.

Had I led her on?

There was a hard knock on the bathroom door and I nearly slipped when I heard it.

_"I'll be out in a second."_

_"San...it's me. Britt called me."_ Quinn called through the door.

_"I'm fine!"_ I said as I wiped at the hot tears that were streaming down my face.

I had scrubbed two layers of skin off at least but I still didn't feel clean.

_"Are you sure?"_

I didn't answer as I squeezed out more soap onto my loofah.

_"Should I be worried?"_

Fuck.

Why that question?

After scrubbing myself, one final time, I stood under the water and allowed the burning water to wipe away yet another layer of skin from my body.

No...I was not okay...yes...she should be worried.

I didn't need to say those things out loud because the moment that she saw me, I knew she would be able to see it.

* * *

When I stepped out into the bedroom, Quinn sat there holding Daniela in her arms.

I walked past her and opened up the drawer and began to dig through it for some sweatpants.

My skin still felt grimy.

_"She called me in a panic and told me what happened. She told me how you just left and asked me to check in on you. So Rachel and I turned around and came back to Lima. You look like shit."_

_"Thanks, Q." _I said as I slid into the sweats and pulled on a t-shirt.

I sat in the rocking chair and held my hands out to Quinn.

She gave me the baby and immediately she started making sucking noises.

Not even that cheered me up.

She began to nurse and I just looked at how red my boob was.

I looked at my hands and could see that they had red blotches where I had scrubbed too hard.

_"Talk to me, San."_

_"I feel...like she took advantage of me." _I whispered as I kept my eyes looking away from her and focused on feeding the baby.

_"Like rape?"_

I looked up at her in shock.

_"No...not that extreme." _

I shook my head in disbelief.

_"Did you tell her to stop?"_

_"Kinda." _I said unsure of what happened exactly.

_"Yes or no?" _She was seething now as she looked down at me.

_"No more than you and me, Q." _I said quietly.

_"What are you saying?"_

_"That it was just as awkward."_

_"That doesn't even compare...you never told me to stop, San...because I would have."_

_"I feel the same way that I did then...that's all I know."_

_"Guilty. That's what you felt back then. Is that what you feel now? Did you feel dirty then?"_

_"Yes. I felt dirty because of what I had done...but I know you didn't force me. I made a conscious decision."_

_"Did you make one, just now?"_

_"Fine...no...I didn't. She forced herself on me okay?" _I snapped at her.

* * *

I zoned out as she took the baby from me and went to put her in the nursery for a nap.

Was that really what happened?

Had Brittany forced herself on me?

That's not possible...is it?

I sat in the rocking chair staring out the window and tried to get my shaking under control.

This was a bad day.

My N.A. meeting couldn't come fast enough.

Quinn came back into the room and pulled back the covers on the bed.

_"Come on San...lay down for a bit."_

I looked over at her and shook my head.

_"No."_

_"No funny business, I promise...just let me hold you...you're shaking."_

I didn't respond, I just stood from the rocker and slid out of my pants before sliding against the cool sheets.

I pulled a pillow from under the blanket and hugged it against my body.

I felt the bed dip and then Quinn had her arms around me and was pulling me flush against her body.

_"It's okay, San...just let it out."_

Apparently I was sobbing and screaming into the pillow as my whole body shook.

_"I'm here honey."_

Quinn held me tightly and didn't show any signs of letting up.

She was quickly becoming my anchor since I couldn't be my own.

* * *

Britt didn't show up for mass that night, so Susan ended up bringing Isaac with her.

I didn't care.

Seeing Brittany was the last of my concerns.

I was just trying to make it through the service so that I could descend the church stairs and go straight to the early N.A. instead of the one I had planned on.

I clenched Quinn's hand during the whole service and when it was over, I quietly pulled her along with me down the stairs.

I didn't speak but just being around those people that night really helped me to deal with the wealth of emotions that were drowning me all day long.

_"I'm so proud of you." _Quinn whispered as she held my hand through the meeting.

Every time I began to shake she squeezed my hand reassuringly just to remind me that I wasn't alone.

* * *

**_July 12th, 2013_**

**_Help me Henry?_**

**_It's been two days since I've seen anyone. I have been running still with Quinn and Sue in the mornings but other than that, I've been stuck in the house. _**

**_Tomorrow, Sue and Tor are going off to Chicago to some kind of show. They wouldn't say which one._**

**_Mami asked me to come stay with her for the weekend and I'm considering it but I'm not sure I am ready to leave the house. This is the only place that I know that Brittany won't go. _**

**_If she knows that I'm at my mom's then she will stop by and then I will have to explain to my mom why I don't want to see her and then things will get really bad. _**

**_Despite what's happened, I do still love her Henry. I just don't think she cares about me like I care about her. I don't think she loves me the same way that she used to. _**

**_It's 3 am and I am wide awake with Isaac laying next to me. _**

**_Sleeping alone has kept me from actually sleeping and now even with my son laying curled against my side, I still can't relax enough to get rest. _**

**_I am feeling so lost. _**

**_What should I do?_**

**_How can I fix this?_**

**_This is like a war with myself. _**

**_I've had nothing but a string of bad days where using has come back to the front of my brain._**

**_I'm obsessed with it. _**

**_I actually miss rehab!_**

**_So maybe I should be with Mami for the weekend...I'm just not sure that my living space is cocaine free and I'm not sure I want to tell anyone. Maybe I'll just go stay with Rachel and Quinn...what do you think?_**

**_Or maybe Rachel and Quinn can come stay with me?_**

**_I have to figure out a way. _**

**_I'm scared._**

**_S._**

* * *

I closed the book and slid it into the nightstand before curling up around my son and holding him close.

_"I have to stay clean, Papa...I'm the only parent you have left and I won't leave you. Not again. I promise."_

As I spoke the words, I knew that no matter what decision I made...sobriety would follow.

I couldn't go back to that dark place.

I couldn't take the easy way out.

Progress.

* * *

**_A/N: This chapter was soooooooo hard to write so be gentle with me. Read and review?_**

**_Next chapter up in a few days...the weekend calls! _**


	6. Chapter 6:Heartbreak Warfare

**Chapter 6: Heartbreak Warfare (John Mayer)**

* * *

_**I couldn't go back to that dark place.**_

_**I couldn't take the easy way out.**_

_**Progress.**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_**I need u here.-Britt**_

_**You told her what we planned right?-Grady**_

_**I did...she thnks its ovr-Britt**_

_**How will you explain it when she sees me around?-Grady**_

_**Idk...jst...I rlly need u here. Pls? :(-Britt**_

_**This is going to get bad...did you tell her about you?-Grady**_

_**I cnt-Britt**_

_**She of all people should understand.-Grady**_

_**She wnt. I kno her.-Britt**_

_**I'm booking my flight...Pick me up from the airport, in Dayton? Is that far from you?-Grady**_

_**Wen?-Britt**_

_**3 hrs. Take care of yourself...Please?-Grady**_

_**I'll do my bst!-Britt**_

_**Be better and please ignore my sister if she calls you...I just told her and she's really excited about it.-Grady**_

_**I will. Ily, Grady.-Britt**_

_**No you don't but that's okay. You love her...I get that.-Grady**_

_**Fne. I'll c u soon.-Britt**_

* * *

I was wrapped up in washing my hair for the third time when my mom knocked on the door.

It was locked.

_"Brittany Susan...who's Grady and why is this door locked?"_

My heart dropped as I stepped under the spray to wash out the soap that had slid into my eyes.

I heard the lock click and then the chill of the air as the door swung open.

_"Mom...I'm showering...can't we talk about this later?"_

I moaned as I rinsed the final bit of suds from myself and then blindly reached for my towel.

_"No...we will talk about this right now!"_ She pulled the curtain back and I quickly turned away from her.

But she saw...I know she did because she was speechless.

_"I can explain."_ I mumbled as I wrapped the towel around my body.

_"What is there to explain...you're pregnant."_ I turned back to her and could see that she was crying.

With everything that I had done, I had never made her do that and it felt like the worst feeling in the world.

I was the worst person in the world.

_"He's coming here...we were going to tell you together."_

_"Does Santana know?"_

_"I thought I had more time...but then this morning when I woke up...my stomach was rounder...now it's noticeable."_

_"How far along are you?"_

_"Twelve weeks."_ I muttered as I stepped slowly from the shower. _"He wanted me to get rid of it...but I can't...I'm Catholic. Plus Ana wouldn't have gotten an abortion...why should I?"_

_"What about your career?"_

_"What about it?"_

_"You can't dance pregnant, Brittany."_

_"I don't care."_

_"Is this why you stopped taking your meds? Is this why you have been so...emotional?"_

_"I guess so." _I shrugged.

_"When are you going to tell Santana?"_

_"Not today...maybe not ever. This is my baby...not hers. I'll do what I want."_

_"How are going raise this baby once you lose your job?"_

_"If Ana did it so can I!"_

_"She's a millionaire Brittany! We are not."_

_"What if I just move back here and you help me raise it?"_

_"No."_

_"Why does everyone keep telling me no?" _

I didn't mean to whine.

It wasn't helping my case.

_"When did you become so selfish?"_

_"That's not a nice thing to say."_

_"It wasn't meant to be and this boy...can he support you? Is he going to marry you?"_

_"He asked but I said no because I don't want to be married to anyone but Ana. She's going to take me back."_

_"I don't know."_

_"I took her back!"_

_"You need to think long and hard about this, Brittany. Don't just assume that Santana will take you back. You need to plan for the worst case scenario."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because you are an adult and this is what adults do."_

_"It's not that hard. I've done it before."_

_"With help! With an endless supply of money and people. That's not realistic! Not for you!"_

_"I don't want to talk about this anymore."_

_"Tough shit...we are going to keep talking about it until you understand just what you're getting yourself into, young lady!"_

* * *

The problem with having such an open relationship with my mother is that she thinks that it's okay to go through my texts.

I missed being able to just take my meds at that second, because trying to break through this fog was so damned hard without them.

I just needed my best friend but after allowing myself to ignore her cries for me to stop the other day,

I was pretty sure that there wasn't a chance in hell that she would want to be here for me.

I needed someone that understood me and she was it for me...just her.

Not even Grady understands me completely.

What happens when I tell her that I lied about him breaking up with me?

I just thought it would get her to be close with me again.

I was wrong.

How is it that I keep screwing things up?

* * *

_"Are you ready?"_

Mom insisted on coming with me to the airport and with the way she kept looking at me...I was terrified.

She had never been like this with me.

I thought she would be so much different than this.

I just wanted her to agree with me.

She loves babies and she loves me so why can't this be a good thing?

I climbed in the passenger seat of her minivan and looked out the window the entire ride to Dayton.

But that didn't stop her from yelling at me the whole time.

I was a wreck but I couldn't cry.

I had to be strong.

Just like Ana.

I just wanted to escape.

Why was I so stupid?

* * *

The car ride was completely silent after she realized I wasn't listening.

So now, Mom was crying the rest of the way.

She just kept sniffling.

I had hurt her.

This was bad.

When we pulled up to the terminal, Grady stood there with his sunglasses on, tall and handsome.

He was a great guy to me.

We had a lot of sex, which was why I wasn't so surprised about getting pregnant.

But I didn't love him.

Not like he loves me.

I am bisexual, so doesn't that mean I should be able to love him like I love Ana?

I'm so confused.

_"Is that him?" _

_"Yes." _

I quickly climbed out of the car and flew into his arms.

He wrapped his long arms around me and kissed just below my ear, which made me shiver.

_"Mmmm...I missed you Britt. Did you miss me baby?"_ he chuckled as he put me back down on the ground.

I hooked my arms around his waist and looked up at him with squinted eyes.

I had forgotten my matching sunglasses at home.

_"I did. Just a warning...that's my mom and she knows." _

He sighed and wrapped me in a tighter hug.

_"I thought we agreed to wait until I got here."_

_"I started showing today...and she saw."_

He stepped back and looked down at my stomach.

_"Look at that! That was fast. Hey baby's little baby."_ he said as he placed his huge hand on my stomach.

Our sweet moment was promptly ended by my mom pressing down on the horn.

She was not happy.

* * *

We climbed in the car, me in the front and Grady in the back.

_"Hello, Mrs. Pierce. Grady Jacobs. So nice to finally meet you." _

He gave her his hand but she just looked at it and then looked away again.

_"I'm not sure it's a nice to meet you, young man."_

_"I'm really sorry that you had to find out this way."_ He said with the sweetest smile.

_"Where are you staying, Grady?"_

_"Britt said it would be okay to stay with you." _

Mom shot me a glare and then turned in her seat.

_"That's not going to happen."_

_"Uh...okay...I didn't bring enough money for a hotel."_

I had never heard him sound like this, he sounded really upset.

_"Mom you let Santana stay over all the time!"_

_"He is not Santana. He is not your husband...so he cannot stay."_

_"That's not for lack of trying. It's quite alright I'll just get my sister to wire me money. Don't worry about it Britt."_

Grady placed a hand on my leg and tried to soothe me.

But he was just making things worse.

Mom jerked the car and he flew back against his seat.

This was not going how I had planned.

Things didn't get much better once we got to the house either.

I couldn't take Grady upstairs to my room and Mom insisted that we wait in the living room for my dad to get home.

Grady held my hand the entire time.

And when my dad came home and gave me money and told me that I had to leave the house while Grady was in town.

Grady was a good sport about it.

But I was heartbroken.

* * *

We walked hand in hand towards the closest hotel and in the process had to pass Rachel's house.

And because of my cursed timing there was Quinn holding Isaac in her lap and next to her sat Ana.

I watched her face close up and she looked away from me and leaned into Quinn.

I thought they would just let it be and ignore me but I was wrong.

_"Hey B? Come over here a sec?" _Quinn called out.

I looked over at Grady and he squeezed my hand and leaned down next to my ear.

_"Just get it over with...your mom and Santana's mom are friends. Better she hear about this from you."_

I nodded and then let go of his hand and walked up the pathway towards the house.

Ana was staring at me hard and I could tell that she knew because she was staring at my stomach and then looking back behind me.

She looked sad and angry all at once.

I was breaking her heart all over again.

Why was I so stupid?

* * *

_"Where are you headed, Britt Britt?"_

_"Downtown."_ I said quietly as I looked at my son.

He looked at me with a huge smile and had his arms out for me but Quinn wasn't letting him go.

_"Do you need a ride?"_ I looked over at Ana in shock.

She even looked surprised at her offer.

_"Um...no its fine."_ I muttered.

_"So are you going to tell me about it...or do I have to guess?"_ I know that she was trying to sound calm but I knew that she wasn't, I could hear the yell behind her words.

_"I'm pregnant."_ I said as I looked into her eyes._ "That's why I stopped taking my meds and that's why I haven't run with you since that morning." _

_"Unbelievable!"_ Quinn barked out.

I nodded and then pressed my hands to my little tummy.

_"It's true though. I'm twelve weeks."_

I could see Ana counting back in her head and then she hopped down from the porch and stormed passed me.

She was smart and so she was going to figure out just how long I had been sleeping with Grady.

How long I had been lying to everyone.

_"Ana, no!"_

I tried to stop her but she was in front of Grady with her hand gripping his croch and growling in his face.

I couldn't hear what she was saying but Grady looked like he was in a lot of pain.

_"Mami!"_ Izzy shrieked and just like that she stepped back and walked back towards the porch and picked up her car keys.

_"Q...watch the kids...I'll be back." _

Grady followed her to the car and got in with his bag.

I went to grab for the door but Ana tore out of the driveway and drove off before I could.

* * *

I turned to look towards Quinn.

_"Where is she taking him?"_

_"To a hotel, I my guess."_

_"But my parents put me out too...why didn't she let me go with them?"_

_"You can stay here tonight. We need to talk about this. You two need to talk about this...even if you aren't together anymore, you need to talk about this...because it affects the kids."_

_"I'm done talking about it for today."_

I began to storm off down the sidewalk.

_"Mama?"_ Izzy called out to me.

I froze and turned back around.

Izzy looked really sad as he reached for me.

_"Stay Britt...just to talk to her. If you decide not to stay...I will drive you to the hotel myself."_

_"Promise me that you will?"_

_"I promise."_

* * *

I sat on Rachel's couch rocking Izzy to sleep while I waited for Ana to show up.

She was gone way longer than she should have been and when the sun began to go down I really started to worry.

Had she taken him to the airport?

I put Izzy down in the play pen and went in search of Quinn.

When I reached the kitchen door I could hear her on the phone and I could tell immediately that it was Ana.

_"I can't keep her here much longer...are you close by? Should I be worried?"_ There was a long silence and then I heard the sound of breaking glass. _"Shit...look just get here okay!" _

Quinn was clearly pissed that Ana had disappeared for going on two hours, now and so was I.

I headed back to the living room and sat on the couch, waiting anxiously...this wasn't good.

The moment that I sat down my phone rang.

**_Meet me outside?-Ana_**

**_Wen?-B_**

**_Now?-Ana_**

I leaned down and kissed Izzy and then headed for the door.

I wasn't sure what she wanted to say to me but obviously she didn't want to say it in front of Quinn.

* * *

When I stepped down onto the porch I could see that she had gone back to sitting on the edge of the porch, legs dangling off the side.

She wore her dark hair up in a bun and her whole body language told me that she was wired.

I walked down the stairs and then walked around and stood in front of her.

_"Hey"_ I said as I shoved my hands into my pockets.

I didn't want my anger to spike.

I didn't like hurting her but somehow my body moves faster than my brain most times, its what makes me a good dancer but not a good wife...I don't want to make any more mistakes.

_"Are you okay?"_

I almost laughed.

After days of distance between us she was worried about me.

_"I don't know."_

I shrugged, I wasn't really sure how I felt in that moment or at all.

My life was falling apart and everyone else was just going about their lives like normal.

It was hard to really understand anything.

Everything had blown up in my face just when I thought I had it all figured out.

_"What are you going to do about the baby, B?"_

_"Keep it. I haven't thought much past that."_

_"He told me how he came up with the plan for you to tell me he dumped you...about him and Dionne. Did you really think that was what it would take to get me to be your friend again?"_

Her feelings were hurt.

I should have known her better.

_"I don't know...it's like I used to know you inside and out but these days...I don't understand you. You're so different. I don't know how to be around you."_

I said as I fought the urge to stand closer to her.

Quinn had explained to me how I had overstepped my boundaries the other day and I really didn't want her to feel violated by me.

Not ever again.

* * *

_"I want us to work out eventually, B."_ She said as she wrapped her arms around herself trying to either shield herself from me or comfort herself, maybe a little bit of both.

I pressed my hand to my new baby bump and looked at her.

_"I'm sorry that I messed up...again."_

_"Me too. This isn't how it was supposed to be. But I want us to fix this."_

_"So eventually we may end up together? What do I have to do to make that happen?"_

_"No more sex...unless we both agree before hand. You hurt me...I need you to know that you crossed a line with me. I know you really well, B...I know what your intentions were...but I don't want to ever feel that powerless again. We need to learn to trust each other and that's not the way. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"I talked to your mom by the way...that's why it took so long. I dropped off your friend at a hotel downtown...I can take you there if you want but Susan says you can go back home. Your parents were trying to protect me...and the kids from this situation but I made it clear that they needed to protect you first before anyone."_

My heart swelled.

She had gone off and fought for me even after I hurt her so badly.

_"How could you do that with everything that happened? That's about to happen?"_

_"Because at the end of the day, you are still my best friend, Britt Britt. I don't want to see you hurting. I just want you to be happy even if it's not with me."_

_"Can I hug you?"_ I asked as I looked at her.

She nodded and opened her arms for me.

I ran into them and held her tight.

I buried my face against her and that's when the tears came crashing down.

_"It's going to be okay, B...we'll figure it out."_

_"We?"_

_"Yea...we."_

* * *

I pulled back to look in her eyes and she rested a hand on my cheek.

_"I'm investing in our friendship again...so as your best friend, I will help you with what ever you need."_

_"But only as friends?"_ I hated the squeak in my voice.

_"That's all I can give you right now...I hope it can be enough...because for me that is how it has to be. That's why I told Grady that he's taking you back to New York tomorrow."_

_"Why?"_

_"I can only help you from a distance, B. For now. I still need to protect myself and our kids. I need to stay sober and with you around...like this." _I sucked in a deep breath when I felt her put both hands on my stomach. Her touch sent all sorts of tingles through me._"I don't think I will be able to focus on me. You came back to get your best friend back and you succeeded but now...you need to go back and focus on the show, on finding a medicine you can take while pregnant. I need to focus on staying clean and you need to make sure that your health is good because its not just you anymore. Don't stress over me and the kids. We will be back to you soon enough, we need this space though, Britt."_

I didn't like this decision that she was making for me but I understood it.

_"But we're still best friends?"_

_"Always, B."_

_"So another hug is okay?"_

She pulled me in and held me close.

Having this pregnancy out in the open felt better...this made me feel safer because now I had Ana in my corner again.

That's all that I needed and that's all that I wanted.

* * *

_**I hope that you enjoyed this chapter!**_

_**As always I look forward to hearing what you guys think.** _


	7. Chapter 7:Come Wake Me Up

_**A/N:Back to Santana's POV!**_

* * *

**Chapter 7: Come Wake Me Up (Rascal Flatts)**

* * *

_**That's all that I needed and that's all that I wanted.**_

* * *

_**July 27, 2013**_

_**Good Morning Henry,**_

_**I know that it's been a few weeks since the last time that I wrote and back then things were starting to spiral out of control for me inside. Things exploded when I found out that Britt's pregnant.  
**_

_**The signs were all there right in front of me but I just didn't think that she would be pregnant. The thought never crossed my mind or Quinn's for that matter, we have three pregnancies between us and neither one of us noticed until the day that she was walking by with that Grady kid. She had a hand on her stomach and that's when I noticed.  
**_

_**Dealing with her and him that day was the hardest thing that I ever had to do.  
**_

_**I didn't want to deal with it but I had to for her. She is a big part of addiction for me. It's why I was glad that I could convince her to go back to New York...I needed her far enough away for me to heal.  
**_

_**I love her and I want to continue to love her but I have to get strong first.  
**_

_**Will it be enough?  
**_

_**It has to be.  
**_

_**Anyway...today is Quinn's 20th birthday and the whole glee club is getting together at my mom's house and we are going to drink and swim and just have a good time.  
**_

_**Susan is taking the kids and Beth will be tagging along with them.  
**_

_**I am really excited to get together with the gleeks and just be me without the strain of Brittany or the responsibility of being a mom.  
**_

_**We are going to just camp out and then we are headed to West Lima for a hangover brunch tomorrow morning.  
**_

_**I'm nervous about being around so much alcohol...but I'm not an alcoholic...I can have one drink right?  
**_

_**I'm not sure how this works exactly but Rachel has already offered to keep me company since she has sworn off the booze.  
**_

_**Maybe...having her there will make staying sober easier?  
**_

_**Drinking might be pushing it...and I won't.**_

_**Wish me luck!  
**_

_**Love you!  
**_

_**Santana**_

* * *

_**I haven't heard from you since you got to NY...what's up?-Ana**_

_**Been bsy.-B  
**_

_**I thought you wanted to work through this?-Ana  
**_

_**I do...I jst need 2 focus. Wrkn n I jst mvd in w/ Grady-B  
**_

_**Ok, Just checking in. Are you okay?-Ana  
**_

_**A lil strssd but I'm doin da bst I cn rght nw.-B**_

_**Good to hear it. Let me know if you need anything.-Ana  
**_

_**Ok. Thnks :)-B  
**_

* * *

Is it crazy that I'm happy that Britt decided to go ahead and move on?

Like I told Sue, I'm just tired of all the cheating and drama.

I just want to be her friend, right now.

We had the rest of our lives to be together so I wasn't worried.

I was waking up these days feeling refreshed and hopeful and that's how it should be.

Despite knowing that I had basically just lost my wife to the guy who knocked her up, I didn't want to use drugs or curl into a ball and cry.

I was sure of who I was in her life...her first love.

That's all that matters.

* * *

I was floating in my mom's pool now, while the kids spent time with her and Padrino. They kept insisting that I get these moments to myself and so even though I wanted to be with my kids all the time, I was slowly realizing that I had to let my network help me.

_"Ana? The phone...I think it's Brittany."_

I lifted my head and shielded my eyes.

Mami was standing at the edge and was waving my phone in the air.

_"You think?"_ I said as I jumped down into the pool.

I swam to the side and she pressed the phone to her chest to block out the sound.

_"I know that it's her but she's crying so hard that I can barely understand her."_

I was immediately on high alert as I climbed out of the pool and grabbed a towel. Mami waited as I took a seat on the side of the pool.

She handed me the phone and then waited for me to get on it.

Mami was right...Britt was crying, insanely hard.

Something bad had happened.

* * *

_"Brittany? Honey is everything okay?"_

_"No."_

_"Where are you?"_

_"My office. I had to d-distract myself."_

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I-I messed up...I'm r-really stupid."_

_"You're not stupid."_

_"That w-wasn't me this morning that texted you...I wasn't near my phone...that was Grady."_

_"Oh."  
_

_"I-I...I want to come home. I know that you don't want me there...but...my heart...it's b-br-breaking. It's broken."  
_

_"What is it?"_

I was getting really worried now.

What was bad enough to get her this worked up?

_"I got...rid of the baby." _She moaned into the phone.

Fuck.

_"What happened?"_ I tried to say as calmly as possible even though I was freaking out inside._  
_

_"He...he...convinced me that it would be for the best." _

My heart clenched.

I wanted to kill that asshole for manipulating her.

I know that he was using her for the show.

I knew that he didn't want that baby and once he could see that she was pregnant it became real to him.

But I didn't think that he would go this far.

* * *

_"Where is he now?" _

_"He dropped from the show and disappeared. He stayed at the clinic until it was over, then he came back here and then resigned. Th-Then he told my bosses that I had pressured him into having sex. He's gone, Dionne's gone...I don't know what to do!"_

Neither did I.

I mean this was the one thing that I hadn't done...the one thing that I had never gone through so I really didn't know what to say.

All I knew was that my mind was running in circles trying to think of how I could track him down and kill him.

I had warned him that if he hurt her, that I would personally castrate him but apparently that didn't scare him enough.

So much for taking time away from Britt.

She was going to need me now so strong enough or not, I was going to have to deal with this.

I was going to have to try and at least calm her down enough to get her to breathe because it didn't sound like she was doing much of that in this moment._  
_

_"Are you going to try and come home?"_

_"I-I can't."  
_

_"Why not?"  
_

_"He told my bosses...about us...they just left my office...they called me unprofessional and immature and they told me that if I wanted to keep this job that I needed to commit myself fully to the show and now it is my job to find a new male lead. It was harder to cast that role than the female lead. I have to keep moving forward, that's what they said."  
_

_"Oh...wow. Do you want me to come there?"  
_

_"No! Please...I just needed to hear your voice. I have to do this on my own. I screwed with what we had and now I need to figure this out by myself."  
_

_"I'm here if you need me."  
_

_"I always need you, Ana...even now when I don't want you. I will always need you."  
_

_"How long are you going to be at your office?"  
_

_"I have no where else to go. Sandra changed the locks on the house after I moved out so I am just going to just stay here on my sofa bed. It's really comfortable. Thank you for listening to me. I have to head to a meeting."  
_

_"Okay. Just...please promise me that you will call me if you need to talk."  
_

_"I will...I know you are partying tonight for Quinn. Have fun. I love you."  
_

_"I love y-" _she hung up the phone before I finished.

I sat there with the phone in my lap and stared down at a picture of Britt holding Isaac._  
_

_"So what happened?" _I jumped when I realized that Mami had still been standing there._  
_

_"She got an abortion...she's really torn up about it."  
_

_"Wow."  
_

_"I know, wow...what can I do Mami? Ayudame? What should I do?"  
_

_"What did she tell you to do?"  
_

_"Stay here."  
_

_"Then that's what you are going to do."  
_

_"Si, Mami."_

* * *

My soul hurt as I took the kids to the Pierce's house.

I was trying to keep moving but it was so hard.

I was disturbed on so many levels.

Britt was hurting and alone.

She didn't have my network protecting her anymore.

I didn't like to think like that because then my cynical thoughts start like, she did this to herself and that's what she gets.

And I really don't want to think about Brittany like that but a big part of me felt betrayed by her.

Still though, I know what it is like to lose a child and whether she had done this willingly or not there was still a loss of life and when you are the type of person that Brittany is, that has got to tear into your spirit.

How was I supposed to help her through this?

Was there even a way?

_"What's on your mind?"_

I sat in the Pierce living room, breastfeeding Daniela and staring at the wall collage of Brittany through the years.

In each and every picture there was a sparkle in her eyes.

Would that sparkle be gone forever now that she had finally experienced loss?

How would this change her?

And most important...should I tell her mother?

As we headed upstairs so I could get the kids settled before heading back home, I kept thinking of ways to bring it up.

* * *

_"Have you talked to Brittany, lately?" _I finally asked as I put Daniela down in the crib that Susan had bought for her and put in Britt's childhood bedroom.

_"No and we feel terrible about it. We acted rashly and then put her on that plane to New York. God knows how she's doing."_

I had to tell Susan.

I knew that she would know how to treat the situation and right now I was totally out of answers.

I couldn't just leave Brittany in New York all alone with nobody to talk to.

I moved over to the window seat and then patted the pillow beside me.

Thankfully, Mr. Pierce had Isaac and Beth out in the back yard in the little wading pool.

I needed this time alone with Susan.

_"She called me a few hours ago...she's...she." _

My phone buzzed just then and I pulled it out of my pocket because now I didn't want to be too far away if Britt needed me.

**_R u mad at me?-B_**

**_No.-Ana_**

**_Did u tell n e one yet? I cnt do it myslf...it's 2 hard.-B  
_**

**_I'm with Susan do you want me to tell her?-Ana  
_**

**_Yes.-B_**

* * *

_"What's going on?"_**_  
_**

Susan had been peering over my shoulder.

I put the phone back in my pocket and then rested a hand on her leg.

_"She got an...she...the baby's gone."_ I muttered not being able to say the word._  
_

_"She got an abortion? She stood right in this room and told me that she wouldn't, what changed?"  
_

_"Grady...he pressured her into it, he stayed there until it was over and then went back and told her bosses about the affair she pressured him in to and then dropped from the show. She has no idea where he is."  
_

Susan looked at me with a clenched jaw and then brought her hands to her face.

I thought that she was crying but after a moment she took a deep breath and then looked at me with an angry glance._  
_

_"So now what? Are you going to go to her?"  
_

_"She doesn't want me there. I offered...and she can't come here or she's fired."  
_

_"My baby is over there all alone?"  
_

_"I'm sorry, Susan."  
_

_"This...this isn't your fault...it's mine. I should have been there for my daughter but instead I let anger cloud my judgment. This can cause her to return to her old habits. I really don't want her to end up in the mental hospital again. It was terrible. She was just unresponsive and cried all the time."  
_

_"What should I do?"  
_

Susan rested a hand on my shoulder and then leaned in and kissed me on the forehead._  
_

_"You go to that party, you have a good time and then tomorrow and everyday afterwards, you focus on your babies. Focus on your recovery and then when the time is right...Brittany."  
_

_"So you agree with Mami and with B...that I need to just stay here?"  
_

_"Yes...because it's right where you belong."_

* * *

_"Your not yourself tonight, Lopez. Want to talk about it?" _

I sat on the back patio watching as everyone had a great time in the pool and on the basketball court.

My mind was obviously occupied with what had happened with Brittany even though I had been told by both my mother and her mother that I needed to stay out of it and just try and relax.

But how could I?

I turned towards the voice and smiled slightly when I saw Azimio sitting there holding a beer in his one hand and a root beer for me._  
_

_"Thanks." _I said as I took a slow sip of the fizzy pop.

_"So...where's blondie?" _

I just looked at him and then shrugged.

He could have been referring to anyone and even though I knew which blonde he was referring to, I just wasn't up for talking much._  
_

_"I don't know...who do you mean?"  
_

_"Brittany...your wife."  
_

_"Ex-wife...she's in New York."  
_

_"Oh...really? Back on the dick again?"  
_

_"Her or me?" _I asked absently as I watched Noah jumping off the diving board with Quinn lifted about his head.

She was screaming bloody murder and I couldn't help but smirk.

Seeing Quinn, who's usually so calm and collected, freak out has always been one of my favorite things._  
_

_"Either."  
_

_"She's bi...so its always a possibility I guess...as for me...I'm definitely still a lesbian."  
_

_"Right...and the kids...just so happened to appear magically?"  
_

I punched his arm and cracked a smile when I saw that he had the biggest grin on his face._  
_

_"What are you just in the mood to fuck with me tonight, Z?"  
_

_"If it gets you out of your shell...then yea. I miss the old Santana Lopez...don't tell me motherhood has completely made you forget how to let loose?"  
_

_"It hasn't...I just have a lot on my mind."  
_

_"Can you fix it or change it in this moment?"  
_

_"No."  
_

_"Then what's the point of worrying about it? Your best friend just turned 20 today, your friends are all here...your kids are healthy and safe...so right now...you need to celebrate...live while you're alive."  
_

_"Okay...okay!"  
_

I stood to my feet and stripped off my over sized t-shirt, revealing my one piece underneath. He whistled and then picked me up._  
_

_"Allow me to be the first to take you for a dip."  
_

I didn't scream or fight I just nodded and gripped him tightly.

If I was going in, then so was he.

He just didn't know it yet.

* * *

When you are sober the world is just so much louder. _  
_

Maybe because when you are on a bender, you are the one making the noise?

Rachel and I ended up sitting watch as our friends got trashed and tried to go for a late night pizza run.

Thankfully, we were able to tag team Noah and take his keys.

I ended up making the pizza run while Rachel watched to make sure they didn't have anymore bright ideas that might get them killed.

By the time that I got back with the pizza, the backyard was completely empty and so I was getting ready to head in when I heard snickering from above me.

My room light was on and then I saw the tree leaves shake.

They were in my tree house.

I panicked.

I was never quite sure how much weight that it could hold...three or four people, sure but when I left there had been over ten.

I dropped the pizzas in the kitchen and then made a mad dash up the stairs.

When I got to my bedroom, everyone was crashed on my bed or the floor watching a movie but my window was open and the light was on in the treehouse. I looked around the room and there was not sign of Rachel or Quinn.

I walked over to the window and leaned out and that's when I heard it.

_"OH GOD! Shit Rachel!"_ Quinn yelled.

They were fucking in my fucking tree house.

I slammed the window shut and locked it.

That would teach them.

Bitches.

* * *

_"I must be getting old! Man...my head is killing me!" _Noah whined as we all sat around a huge table at We Lime Bistro.

This morning we were joined by Mercedes, who hadn't made it the night before.

She had lost a lot more weight and was looking happy about it.

_"So...Aretha...how's L.A. been?"_ I asked trying to ignore the shitty looking people around the table._  
_

_"Good...I'm recording an album...all live music. Glee club inspired me."  
_

_"That's great!"  
_

_"Hey you play piano right?"_ She asked as she sipped her coffee._  
_

_"Like a fucking rock star." _Noah said as he picked at his toast.

_"Would you...want to maybe do a song together...lay down a track with some of your rock star piano playing?"  
_

_"Of course!" _I said feeling, joy and light filling me for the first time in what felt like an eternity._ "I would be honored to."  
_

_"Great! There's a recording studio downtown...maybe we can't rent out the space and practice?"  
_

I nodded my head in agreement.

This would be the perfect distraction from Brittany.

Hopefully.

* * *

_**July 31st, 2013**__  
_

**_Oh Henry...  
_**

**_I never dreamed of a day when rehab would seem like a better option than being out in the world. I'm so fucking tired of the way things are right now. _**

**_I'm starting to think that if I wanted to relax and just grow...that I should have gone somewhere a little farther than Lima, Ohio.  
_**

**_Everyone that knew, Britt was pregnant, now knows about the abortion and they are all taking "My Side", I didn't even know that I had one. This isn't about sides or about who hurt whom. I have two little kids who are in world of drama and they aren't even aware of it.  
_**

**_Britt has apparently disconnected her phone and has been staying out of sight. Susan went looking for her and couldn't find her. Ari hasn't even been much help, she says that Britt schedules private rehearsal times with the dancers but doesn't stick around much for rehearsals.  
_**

**_I was tempted at first to make my way back to NYC but then Isaac got this stupid cold. Sue told me that it was the universe telling me that I didn't need to go anywhere.  
_**

**_Henry, I jumped a huge hurdle when I was able to go through Quinn's party without taking a single drink and when I think about cocaine...I don't even flinch or crave. It's a part of me...it always will be. It's a fact that cocaine addicts feel symptoms or cravings sometimes years after they quit.  
_**

**_So I know that it's always going to be with me like something dark just beneath the surface but I feel like I can honestly not use anymore.  
_**

**_That's definitely a good thing.  
_**

**_Now if I could only be so sure of other things in my life like, how to deal with my family...my ex wife...my still existing eating disorder. I mean why should I have to deal with anything anymore?  
_**

**_I just want to be alone with my kids away from my family.  
_**

**_And...you know what? I think I know how to make that happen.  
_**

**_Maybe a vacation to St. Mary's?  
_**

**_I wouldn't go alone...maybe Rachel and Quinn?  
_**

**_I think I may be on to something Henry.  
_**

**_This may be just what I need.  
_**

**_Fingers crossed!  
_**

**_Love you!  
_**

**_Santana_**

* * *

Sue agreed almost immediately about my planned trip to the lake house and because she and Tor were headed to the Poconos for cheer camp soon she said it made her feel better about leaving me alone.

I was insanely quiet lately and had began to run twenty miles a day.

Ten in the morning, ten after dinner.

It helped me to clear my mind.

Something that I was finding it harder and harder to do on my own.

Brittany and I still hadn't spoken but I was making sure that the kids were still spending time with Susan.

It was necessary.

I wanted them to have that bond to Britt's family because they were apart of it.

No matter what happened between me and Britt, they would always be her family.

I knew that she was mourning the baby she had lost and pretty soon, I was thinking of taking a trip out to the city to get some things set in motion.

I wanted to go alone but everyone told me that it wasn't the best idea...even though I was only going to be gone for half the day.

So before our three week trip to my house on the lake, I enlisted Rachel to accompany back to the city.

I needed someone who was going to help me stay clean, just in case I was tempted.

Quinn was usually my go to girl but I didn't trust anyone with my kids more than her and Susan.

She volunteered to watch Daniela while Isaac went to spend time with both mine and Britt's mothers at the country club.

I knew that it was a huge risk going back to the city before I was ready to.

But something was drawing me there or rather...someone was calling me there.

She needed me and I wasn't going to give up on her no matter how much shit I got from anyone.


	8. Chapter 8:No Light, No Light

**Chapter 8: No Light, No Light (Florence + The Machine)**

* * *

**_I knew that it was a huge risk going back to the city before I was ready to._**

**_But something was drawing me there or rather...someone was calling me there._**

**_She needed me and I wasn't going to give up on her no matter how much shit I got from anyone._**

* * *

I fed Isaac after putting Daniela into Susan's arms.

I was feeling exhausted and I just wanted to sleep forever.

Today I was headed to NYC and with everything going on in my mind, I wasn't really sleeping when I had the chance to.

On top of that Daniela had insisted on staying awake all night for the last week.

Hopefully, I would manage to get some sleep once we were on the plane.

_"Mami go bye?"_

My head was pounding and my back was aching but what hurt me the most in that moment, was the look of sadness in my son's eyes when I answered him.

_"Yes, papa."_

He pointed to his chest and looked at me with these big sad eyes.

Big blue eyes that were reminding me of Britt.

_"I go bye?"_

I looked at him and then up at Susan. I wanted to take both of the kids but I didn't think I would get anything done if I had the baby with me.

Isaac just fell in with that logic.

I guess I didn't think of separating them.

It was only one day right?

* * *

_"Take him with you...you pumped enough milk for a week, so Dani is fine. It might do Britt some good to see Izzy."_

_"You think so?"_

_"I'd send that blasted cat if you weren't allergic!" _she chucked,_ "but seriously, Santana, I think he might be able to help her in ways that you and I cannot."_

_"Okay. I really hope so."_

_"I know my daughter and at her most basic level...she is a care giver and she has nothing and no one to take care of but this show. She is probably running around making herself sick."_

_"I don't doubt it."_

_"So are you going to take him?"_

_"Do you want to go with Mami, Papa?"_

_"Si!" _Isaac squealed as he hugged my leg tightly.

I ruffled his hair and then picked him up.

_"Okay...give a beso to gama." _

He clapped his hands and then leaned in and kissed Susan on the cheek.

_"Bye Gama...I go bye!" _He said as he turned and wrapped his arms around my neck in excitement.

I lived for moments like these...when I can bring so much joy to my son.

It reminded me how blessed I was.

Hopefully, he could be that for Britt as well.

* * *

So that's how I ended up kissing my little girl goodbye and leaving with Isaac in tow.

It made me smile just to have him there.

He kept clapping his hands together like Britt and smiling at me.

His blue eyes were bright and vibrant, they were just like his Mama's.

And so while I wanted to keel over from exhaustion, when I looked at him I perked back up, he was like my shot of adrenaline.

My extra purpose.

When Rachel saw us arrive at the airport she smiled and nodded.

_"Who's great idea was it to bring along your mini-me?"_ she asked as she held her arms out for Isaac.

_"Hi, Tee." _He smiled and reached for her.

_"His idea, I don't think he was going to take no for an answer."_

_"Smart kid."_

_"Well he is my progeny...so no surprise there, Rach."_

I winked as we boarded the plane.

I had high hopes for this trip.

I knew that dealing with Britt was going to be the hard part so thankfully, Rachel had things of her own to do after my meeting downtown.

She was good to have as company but there was a limit and she knew it.

Britt and I needed this alone time and with Isaac there to be a buffer, maybe we could actually talk things through.

* * *

The plane ride was quiet and I finally did end up sleeping most of the way and with Isaac sleeping across my body, I felt a sense of peace.

It was some of the best sleep I had in quite some time.

Probably since rehab.

How was that even possible, was rehab...my glory days?

_"So what's the plan?"_ Rachel asked as we hovered above New York, preparing to land.

_"Sandra is going to pick us up from the airport and we are going to see my realtor so that I can get the selling process started."_

_"Tell me again why don't just give the house over to Quinn?"_

_"Wow, Berry, I thought you two talked about everything?"_

Just because I'm friends with her now didn't mean that I didn't still enjoy torturing her a little bit.

And with all the heaviness I had been surrounded by, she kept a bit of the old Santana alive.

_"She just told me that she didn't want it...that's it."_

_"Ahhh...ever the evasive one. It really simple, she fell in love with my sister in that house. Even if you were there first, it reminds her of how that relationship ended. Plus she thinks she will do better in school by living on campus. So who am I to argue with her?"_

_"You're her best friend...she listens to you."_

Rachel seemed disappointed and frustrated that Q wasn't taking the house and honestly I understood it from both sides.

Quinn just needed a fresh start like I did and Rachel just wanted to live with Quinn full time.

But Q was right in this...I had to back her up in the most diplomatic way possible.

Plus, Quinn had told me that she was still taking things slow with Rachel.

She wasn't sure how long their relationship would last since Rachel had always been fickle when it came to relationships.

But I knew that I couldn't tell Rachel that Quinn had said that.

It would hurt her and I wasn't that cruel.

_"Look, I don't control Q, she makes her own decisions and if she doesn't want the house...I'm not going to argue. She tends to know exactly what she wants and if she wanted the house she would have said something the three times I offered it to her but she turned me down each and every time."_

_"Okay. You're right."_

_"You bet your sweet ass I am." _I winked.

She blushed and then nodded.

_"I know, I know...sorry that I snapped at you."_

_"It's cool."_

* * *

This was Isaac's first time walking through an airport on his own and at first I had let him walk by my side but after only a few minutes he kept trying to make a run for it.

So I ended up having to carry him which of course pissed him off and he exhibited his temper like I had never seen him.

He scrunched up his face, cocked an eyebrow and then crossed his hands over his chest.

Wow...is that what I looked like?

_"Bad Mami."_ He grumbled as he reached for Rachel.

She went to raise her arms towards him but then I glared at her.

_"Don't you dare cave in to him, Hobbit."_ She recoiled as if I had stung her.

I shook my head and then laid a hand on her arm.

_"I'm sorry...I didn't mean it like that. Seriously. I'm so glad you came with me. I'm sorry."_

Rachel sucked in a breath, squared her shoulders and then nodded.

_"It's quite alright. I should have known better to go against a mother and her child."_

_"Dangerous territory."_

_"Definitely."_

_"What time do you have to be at work?"_

_"Oh...in about an hour. Then I have to go make sure that Dionne didn't take any of my stuff on her abrupt move. Do you want to meet up for dinner before the flight back?"_

_"I'll let you know."_

* * *

The meeting with the realtor went insanely fast, she said that she tested the market and that people are already inquiring about the house.

Sandra said she would have some movers and cleaners go through the house and then it would be ready to sell in a week.

I was excited to be unloading the house because even though it was my first home with Britt, it didn't have the best memories.

I was sticking by what I said when I woke up from that coma, the next house, I wanted Britt to look at and pick out with me. So that was going to be the plan for today.

Convince Britt to want to find a house with me.

I didn't like her living in her office with no place to go.

_"So you are going to go talk to Brittany, next?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Did she tell you that I cut her off?"_

_"Yes...and while a part of me approved...I don't think you should have done it so abruptly, especially without consulting me."_

_"She was seeing someone else, taking him out, and buying him stuff on your dime. I couldn't allow that Ana. I won't apologize for looking out for our family interests."_

_"She is family...my family!"_

We were sitting in the breakfast nook at the house eating some slop from the deli down the street, trying our best to be civil.

Isaac was happy to be reunited with his high chair and his toys and was currently paying neither one of us any attention.

_"Look...you can go back and forth all you want about whether or not you two stay together but I will not have you go broke over someone as fickle as Brittany."_

I felt my chest puff up because that wasn't how she should be talking about my wife...even if we were separated at the moment.

_"If this was a straight marriage and we were in the midst of a divorce...I would have to pay alimony. I've been supporting her for over a year. So this isn't any different."_

_"You weren't married...at all!"_

_"But we shared everything, a home, children, finances. Look, I get that you were just trying to protect me Sandra...but next time don't keep me out of the loop. You may be the executor but Papi willed that money to me because he trusted my judgment. I barely spend it. I am frugal when it comes to me but when it comes to any of you...I am quick to give. So when it finally comes back to me and it's my wife that I want to take care of...don't step in and make decisions for me, talk to me first...please?"_

_"Okay. I overstepped. It won't happen again."_ She said as she threw her hands out. _"I don't want to fight over this. I can see that you love her and after talking to Mari...I get that I have been maybe a little too harsh."_

Maybe?

_"Thank you for understanding."_

_"Thank you for being upfront about how you feel."_

_"We are getting good at that...Papi would be proud."_

_"A secretive man like him? Please!"_

_"Okay...but family was everything to him and to know that his daughters are staying close and talking all the time...it would make him really happy."_

_"I agree."_

_"So...I'll see you tonight?"_

_"To take you to the airport. Yes."_

_"Okay...well...I should get going."_

_"Are you sure that you don't want me to take Isaac? I'm sure his cousins would love to see him."_

_"Maybe another time? When I move back to the city. I really want him to spend time with Britt today, she needs him."_

_"Does she know that you're coming?"_

_"No...it's a surprise. I thought...we could bring her some lunch and talk."_

_"What if she doesn't want to see you?"_

_"Let me worry about that, San."_

_"Good luck, hermanita."_

_"Thanks."_

That went way better than expected.

My relationships with my sisters had definitely progressed and it made me long for them more, retroactively.

I know that if they had been around when Marco first appeared in my life, things would have been very different for me.

I can't complain though because Marco is a big part of who I am and who I'm not.

* * *

Isaac had gotten his second wind as I walked with him in my arms and would not stop squirming.

I held Britt's food in one hand while I held him tightly but it was getting difficult.

I was singing the alphabet with him as he cheered along and shouted the letters that he knew.

_"Santana?"_

I froze and turned around towards the voice.

_"Tucker?"_

I couldn't believe my eyes.

_"I thought that was you!"_

I nearly passed out when I saw his face again.

I shifted Isaac to my hip and then walked towards my old friend.

_"How are you?"_ I said as I let him hug me.

_"I'm good...great! Is this your son?"_ he said in shock.

_"Yes, this is my son Isaac. Say hi, Papa."_ I said as down I looked at him.

He flashed his little front teeth and then waved.

_"Hi."_ he said happily.

_"He is very handsome...look at those eyes!"_

_"Those are all his father...obviously."_

_"So are you married, now?" _

_"Where were you headed?"_ I interrupted as I shifted Isaac again.

_"Oh...I was just out for a stroll, I don't live far from here. Am I stopping you from getting somewhere?"_

_"Actually...I have been out of town...and I was on my way to visit Brittany...she's working down at one of those warehouses by the Hudson. If you weren't doing anything but strolling...you can walk with me and catch up?"_

_"I'd love to...I have been dying to meet her!"_

_"Well...today may not be good since she's super busy but...we can set something up?"_

_"Okay...do you want me to carry him?"_

I looked at Isaac and he was just smiling a big smile.

I trusted Tucker so I didn't bother to worry that anything would happen.

My trust radar was one of the few things that I could still rely on.

Isaac went willingly with Tucker and then we began our walk.

I felt relief at being able to just walk.

Suddenly I was happy that I didn't have to do it alone.

* * *

_"So...did you marry Brittany?"_

_"Yes...kind of."_

_"Kind of?"_

_"Well yes but right now we are separated. I just got out of rehab a month ago so we are working through stuff."_

_"So you're clean, finally?"_

_"Yes...five months sober." _I said happily.

_"That's amazing! Congratulations. Stay strong okay?"_

_"Thanks...I'm trying...my kids are my inspiration."_

_"Kids? Plural?"_

I looked over at him and then dug out my phone and pulled up the lock screen.

_"That's my baby girl, Daniela. She'll be seven months in a couple of weeks."_

_"You make some gorgeous kids, Santana!"_

_"Thanks. I thank God for them everyday."_

_"As you should...so their father...it's not..." H_e trailed off and I saw a bit of terror flash across his face.

_"Marco's dead and no...Thank God. He wasn't their father. A guy from back home...he died too...both suicides." _I sighed as I shoved my phone in my pocket.

_"Harsh."_

_"Yea."_

_"So what's Brittany doing down here?" _

We stood outside the warehouse and he was handing Isaac back to me.

_"She's choreographing a Broadway show."_

_"No way!" _

_"Yea...you wouldn't happen to be a dancer too would you?"_

_"I can dance...maybe not star caliber but I have won drag shows because of it."_

_"And I know that you can sing...maybe I can talk her into letting you audition...they just lost their male lead."_

_"Seriously?"_

_"You helped save my life Tucker...I owe you one. Here, give me your number and I will have her call you."_

_"I hope to hear from you soon...about hanging out soon?"_

_"Absolutely!"_

* * *

We exchanged numbers and then I watched him walk away before making my way over to the back door.

I pulled it open and walked into the dark theater.

Ari had told me that they were supposed to be practicing today but the stage was empty.

I hoisted Isaac onto my hip, once more and then made my way down the side aisle towards the back of the stage.

When I stepped into the back corridor I could feel the vibration under my feet.

They were practicing in the studios downstairs.

I wasn't going to interrupt.

I knew better.

So I walked down the hall and went to the very last office in the corner.

The light was on, it was the only illuminated office.

So I knocked.

_"Hold on!"_ I heard Britt grumble. Isaac knew where he was because he was leaning towards the door and had his hands over his face like he was trying to hide.

A few minutes went by but she never came to the door.

So I knocked again, this time harder.

_"Damnit."_

I heard the sound of the sofa bed creaking and then footsteps.

She whipped the door open and immediately I could see that she had been asleep.

Britt's eyes squinted when she saw me and then a small smile played around her lips before she threw herself at us and wrapped us in a hug.

_"Mama...stinky."_ Isaac said and she let out a harsh laugh.

He was right...she looked and smelled like she hadn't showered in a while and her hair was insanely unruly and matted.

How had her coworkers not seen this wreck she had become?

* * *

_"Can we come in?"_ I asked as she stayed pressed against me.

She stood and back away opening the door for us.

The smell didn't just cling to Britt...the office smelled like old food and garbage.

I should have come sooner.

I turned around as she was about to shut the door.

_"Is Ari here?"_

_"Yea...she should be in her office, the guys are downstairs practising."_

_"I'm going to take Isaac down to her while you shower okay?"_

_"Um...okay."_ She looked hurt.

_"I'll bring him back...but I know you don't want him seeing you like this. I'll be right back. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Leave the door unlocked for me...okay?"_

_"Okay."_

She smiled again and then headed into the bathroom and shut the door.

* * *

_"Okay, Papa, let's go find Titi Ari."_

He clapped his hands together as we headed back up the corridor and turned down another until we reached the other end of another hallway. Ari's door was open and she was watching cartoons and eating a bowl of cereal.

Her secret enjoyment .

I knocked on the door and leaned my head in.

_"Hey stranger."_

_"Arita?"_

She looked at me in shock and then jumped to her feet.

She put down the bowl and then for the second time in ten minutes, we were wrapped in a tight hug.

_"Tee!"_ Isaac said and rubbed her short hair, lovingly.

_"Hey buddy! I'm guessing you need me to watch him while you deal with the wreckage?"_ Ari whispered as she kissed my cheek before pulling me into the room and closing the door.

_"Can you?"_

_"Absolutely. I wasn't sure you were still coming...and you didn't tell me that you were bringing little man."_

_"He asked...so I brought him. It will do her some good...but now I see I have to get her cleaned up first."_

_"I'm sorry I didn't tell you just how bad she's gotten...She is taking Grady leaving really hard."_

_"So you guys don't know either?"_

_"Know what?"_

I turned around and shut the door before looking at my oldest friend.

_"She had an abortion."_

Ari's face went pale as she fell back against her desk.

_"I didn't know...no one knew. If I had known...God bless her. I would have treated this differently. I just thought she was being like this over him leaving her knocked up so that he could go to the service."_

_"The service?"_

_"He had gone home with Dionne for a weekend and the next thing you know...he drops out of the show and he skips town. I got a letter from him a few days ago about needing to start being a man. I still don't get why Dionne left the show though."_

_"Wow."_

_"Enough about that...I will watch him however long you need...just...go get your girl back before she loses her job too."_

_"Okay. Thanks so much for this."_

_"Go."_

* * *

I made my way back towards Britt's office with her lunch still clutched in my hand.

When I pushed open the door to her office and she was sitting there at her computer staring blankly at the screen.

I pushed the door quietly closed and then walked next to her and put the bag down before leaning over and wrapping her in my arms.

_"Thank you."_ She whispered as she shifted and pulled me down into her lap.

I sat there and just held her as she leaned her head against my chest and wept.

_"I'm here now...shhh."_ I said as I kissed her head and stroked her back.

_"I'm so so sorry."_ She sobbed as she held me tightly.

I took the opportunity to look at her computer screen.

My breath caught in my throat.

It was a video...a sonogram video.

I turned back towards her and she was looking up at me with dull, watery blue eyes.

That light that was usually there, the same light that had been in all of those childhood pictures was gone now, maybe forever.

_"You have nothing to apologize for."_

_"I have so much..."_ She said as she bit her lip.

_"How about you eat while I clean up this room a bit? Then we can talk as much or as little as you want."_

She nodded as I stood to my feet and pulled the bag closer to her.

_"Grilled cheese with tomato."_ I said as I opened it for her and pushed aside her laptop. _"Eat up."_

She nodded and began to slowly pick at the sandwich.

I looked around the room and saw that I had a lot to do.

For her though...I would do anything.

* * *

It took me opening up the windows and picking the lock on the janitors' closet for cleaning supplies and a mop, to get the office back to being sanitary, at least.

All the while Britt sat there and stared at her laptop screen as she slowly chewed.

She looked frail and delicate as she picked up the sandwich and took bites smaller than Isaac.

She had definitely not been eating and from the smell of the place...she had been in the same clothes for days.

She had plenty of clean ones, but she just hadn't bothered to change.

After I was done cleaning up and the sofa bed was put away I sat there and waited for her to finish her food.

Of course...I attemped to wait patiently.

Patiently waiting...lasted twenty minutes before I got back up and walked back to the desk and closed the computer screen.

This was ridiculous.

She looked up at me as if I had killed the baby myself.

* * *

_"B...sweetheart...you can't keep doing this. The baby is gone but you're here...you have to stop torturing yourself."_

_"I wish I wasn't here."_ She mumbled as she put the sandwich down and cried into her hands.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the seat.

She followed behind me stumbling as I pulled her towards the sofa.

We laid there and I just held her as she cried against me.

I placed a hand on her stomach and rubbed small circles there because from what I could see when she was walking, she was still in pain.

_"Have you been taking the medicine that they gave you, Britt Britt?"_ I whispered.

_"No. I don't deserve them."_

_"Honey...you have to take them in order for the pain to stop."_

_"I can't...I never filled the prescription."_

_"I'll do that in a little while...for now let's just rest for a little okay?"_

She nodded against me and then curled in tighter, holding onto me for dear life.

_"Thank you."_

_"Always and only you, B. I'm not going anywhere. Rest now, baby. Just rest."_

And she did, thankfully.

I, on the other hand, sat watching her feeling all the sadness for her being pushed to this point.

I would have helped her.

I should have helped her.

* * *

I stood by, smiling to myself, as I watched a newly rejuvenated Brittany, prance around the now empty downstairs studio, with Isaac in her arms.

Isaac was squealing with joy as his Mama danced with him.

_"Whatever you did, I bow to you. I haven't seen her like this...in a month."_

I turned and smiled at Tony and Ari as they entered the room and leaned against the back wall with me.

_"I hope she stays like this when I go back home."_

_"Does she know that you're leaving?"_ Ari asked.

_"Yes. She's better. Not the best...but definitely better. You two...just need to keep an eye out for her. Don't coddle her but she needs to know that she has people that care about her...especially you Tony...you were one of the first and only friends she made in New York all on her own. I know she has jeopardized both of your careers lately but she's damned good at what she does. Just...be there for her."_

_"And what about you, Santana...breeze into town...lift her up and then leave?"_ He said with a bit of bite in tone.

_"No...I came to uplift her and help her through a tough time but I have to take care of myself too...I can't hold us both up, not now...but I'm here. I will come into town if she needs me...just don't let her get that bad again...please?"_

He nodded and then ran his hands over his legs in anxiousness.

_"You wouldn't happen to know any male dancers would you? That are, maybe...gay?"_ He said as she chuckled to himself...he didn't want to tempt Britt.

_"Actually."_ I showed him Tucker's picture and then gave him his number. _"This is Tucker, he's an amazing singer, model and he has won dancing competitions...all amateur...give him a call...tell him that you talked to me. Okay?"_

_"You're kidding me? Ari...is she like full of answers like this all the time?"_

_"Pretty much...she's a pain in the ass...isn't she?" _

_"Totally."_ he said as he punched in Tucker's phone number and walked away.

I smirked as I threw my arm casually around Ari's shoulder and kissed her forehead before pulling away again.

No need to make Britt jealous in such a good moment.

_"That should get Tony to be nicer to me and be more supportive of Britt don't you think?"_

_"Let's hope...he doesn't care for you much."_

_"I noticed."_

_"About Britt...I'll help wherever I can...and I won't tell her what you requested it."_

_"Thank you!"_

* * *

_"We should get going."_ I said to Britt as she sat with a sleeping Isaac in her arms as we sat in her office finishing up our take-out.

_"Now?"_ she looked like I just crushed her world.

_"If you want...on your next couple days off...I'll fly you in for the weekend?"_ I said as I leaned over and picked up Isaac.

_"You don't have to do that...I have money, Ana."_

I reached a hand out and helped her to pull herself up.

She seemed a little unsteady and probably had over done it with the dancing earlier.

But she had been happy, so I wasn't going to ruin it.

_"You should save your money...I can afford to fly you in."_

_"I know."_

_"Besides, Susan and Mom really want to see you. Plus, Daniela...she's getting so big and you are missing it...and as you may have guessed, Isaac misses you."_

_"Yea...I know."_

_"Plus the engagement celebration for Asian Fusion is coming up."_

_"Oh right...Mike called and asked if I would be there."_

_"See...so let me know your next few days off and I will book the ticket...okay?"_

_"Thanks Ana."_

* * *

We never got a chance to have dinner as Rachel and I ran to catch our flight.

Britt had insisted on waiting with me while I waited for Rachel and Sandra to show up outside the house and they both ended up being late.

Britt told me more about how she had been doing and how she had been staying in her office and only coming out when she had to.

She admitted that Ari had been taking up a lot of her slack and so she hadn't actually left her office in a week.

I made her promise me that she would never do that again.

That she would take care of herself and to tell me when she felt too overwhelmed.

She promised me as she rocked Isaac in her arms and sang to him.

Even though I don't think she was listening.

But I let it slide.

* * *

We had just made it in time for the plane and Isaac hadn't woken up yet, thankfully.

I had been tempted to just stay and take care of Britt for another day but that would have just meant me pushing myself aside and that's not what I wanted.

I just needed to be her best friend for the day and it seemed like it had helped her to cope a bit.

What would also help was me convincing her to let me hold the dvd of the sonogram but that didn't work.

It was doing more harm than good and if she could just spend sometime away from it, then maybe this gaping hole wouldn't seem like so huge.

One step at a time, I guess.

I was going to do whatever I could to help her get the light again in her eyes but I wasn't going to do it at the expense of my own sobriety.

I was going to figure out a balance so that we could both grow from this.

I was done with bitterness and hatred.

Britt and I were stepping into a new level of our relationship.

We were becoming friends again.

Something we both needed more than anything.

* * *

**_A/N: Thanks for letting me carry you through...this as you may realize is minimal on my drama scale so bare with me. Writing anything remotely fluffy is actually hard for me. Crazy but true!_**

**_Review. Review. Review._ **


	9. Chapter 9:The Scientist

**Chapter 9:The Scientist (Coldplay)**

* * *

_**I was done with bitterness and hatred.**_

_**Britt and I were stepping into a new level of our relationship.**_

_**We were becoming friends again.**_

_**Something we both needed more than anything.**_

* * *

_**August 2nd, 2013**_

_**Hi Henry, **_

_**When I went to bed last night after picking up Daniela from Susan's I thought that I had made a lot of progress with Britt. So I expected that after putting the kids to bed and getting myself showered that I would be able to call and check on her.**_

_**She didn't answer my call. **_

_**It set me on edge so I called Ari and she told me that Britt had locked herself in her office and wasn't answering the door. I tried not to care. I tried to just let it roll off my back but that's what I did with Ian and Marco...this wasn't going to happen to me again, Henry. I couldn't let another person take themselves out. **_

_**So I called Damariz and had her stop by. God only knows why Britt actually answered the door...but she did. Mari called me and told me that Britt was fine, that she had her headphones on and had been playing Sims. Simple and easy. **_

_**That taught me something, Henry. It taught me that I underestimate Brittany most of the time and so now I will just step back and be her best friend. **_

_**I will trust her!**_

_**Today, my realtor is supposed to be sending me pictures of houses in New York and New Jersey. I need to find a new home. The realtor is supposed to be finding ten houses that meet my specifications, good neighborhood, good schools, and near water. After she sends me the listings, I am going to take Britt with me to pick a house. I think that it will be good for us. **_

_**Don't you?**_

_**Off for my morning run, today, I get to use my jogging stroller for the first time! So excited! **_

_**Love you Henry!**_

_**Santana**_

* * *

_"How are you today?"_ Quinn asked as she ran beside me.

_"Feeling a bit better."_

_"How was she?"_

_"She was pretty bad. I'm worried about her but I can't fight this battle for her and I think it kills me."_

_"She needs to fight this though...you can only stand on the sidelines and cheer her on."_

_"And I will do that...I am doing that. I think she needed me yesterday. She needed to see that I was still there for her. I think that I proved that to her."_

_"That's great. How was she with Izzy?"_

_"Taking him was a really good idea. I think it reminded her that she is still a mother and while she lost the baby...she still has two other babies that need her and love her."_

_"So when do you think you will see her again?"_

_"I'm going to fly her in for a weekend...maybe even when we go down to the lake house."_

_"Oh that will be great! Shame Rachel can't come..."_ Quinn said as she sucked in a breath.

_"Why can't she come?"_ I asked as I looked through the clear flap of the stroller, Daniela was fast asleep but Isaac was sitting forward watching the landscape rush by with delight in his eyes.

_"She has to get back to work. Plus...um...I didn't tell you this...but she got back in to NYADA...they want her to make up some stuff starting Monday."_

I looked at Quinn in shock with a huge smile on my face.

_"That's great news! But...what does it mean for the glee club reunion?"_ I had really been looking forward to it.

_"This Saturday...everyone is flying in...even Kurt. Do you think Britt can come in?"_

_"I'll call her after we get done here." _I said as we entered the last mile of our run.

_"I really want to see her, like just to hug her. Britt needs all the hugs she can get."_

_"I'm sure she will like that."_

* * *

We made our way off the track and Isaac squealed.

_"Mama! Mama!"_ I looked over at Quinn and then towards the parking lot. Sure enough there sat Britt on the hood of Sue's car with her.

_"Wow...what's she doing here?"_ Quinn asked.

_"I don't know and I don't really care...do you see that smile on her face...that wasn't even close to showing up before yesterday. That's all that matters."_

We walked closer to the car and Isaac was still screaming for her and now she could hear him because she turned towards us and then leapt from the car and began to jog over to us.

_"Hey Izzy!"_ She said as she crouched down in front of the stroller.

_"Mama...up_?" Britt looked up at me and I nodded. She smiled and began to unstrap him and then lifted him into her arms and swung him around. _"Wee!"_ he screamed before she put him down onto his feet. _"Up Mama, Now!"_

_"Hold on Izzy...I have to get Dani."_ Isaac crossed his arms over his chest and scrunched up his face but Britt just laughed and bent down to pick up the baby who she hadn't seen in even longer than Isaac.

He was pissed that he wasn't getting his way and that none of us were responding to it so he began to cry and stumbled over to Quinn and wrapped his arms around her leg.

_"Mama...bad...Dama."_

This time it was Quinn down on her knees in front of him and she was talking to him. He still had his arms crossed but he was nodding in response to her with watery eyes.

My network was hard at work because soon after that Sue came over and began to break down the stroller.

I looked over at Britt and watched as she paced back and forth talking to the baby. It was amazing seeing the two of them together and plus, somehow, the moment that Daniela was in Britt's arms, she started that baby laugh that I can never get enough of.

I stepped back and watched how everything was moving around me and couldn't help but feel that warmth in me.

Things had seemed so surreal at first but then I realized just how much I wanted to hold onto this moment, forever.

* * *

We all climbed in the car and headed back to Sue's house.

Apparently the talk that Sue and Britt had on the roof of the car while I jogged, got Sue to end her banning of Britt at the house.

From the looks of it Britt was honest with her because even though she was still trying to be a hard ass, she kept shooting looks towards Britt in the rearview mirror.

We pulled up outside the house and there sat a Susan's minivan.

I looked at Britt in confusion.

_"When did you get here, exactly, B?"_

_"I caught the first flight out this morning. Tucker came last night and auditioned...my bosses loved him so...thanks to you I got another two weeks off. Tony paid my way. So I'm going to be here...hopefully...I'll take the kids whenever. I still want to give you your space but I just wanted to see you this morning to thank you." _

She said as she made faces at Daniela who kept giggling.

_"That's great!"_

_"Does that mean you will come to the lake house with us next week?" _Quinn said from the front seat.

Britt looked over at me and then at Quinn.

_"I've never been...if Ana wants me there...then I'll go."_

I nodded immediately. I hadn't realized that I had never taken Britt.

_"I'd like it B. We could all really have a chance to bond and you would get all the time you wanted with the kids."_

_"Then it's a plan. In the mean time...I was hoping that maybe you wanted to go to the park this afternoon? Quinn you can invite Puck and Beth too."_

Quinn turned around and flashed a smile.

_"Sounds great!" _she turned back around and I could hear her tapping away on her phone.

I nodded in agreement and then unfolded Isaac's little arms. He was still shooting dirty looks at Britt and the baby.

_"Enough." _I said to him as I pulled his arms down into his lap.

That's when the tantrum broke out.

Thankfully the car was in the driveway and it was time to get out anyway.

* * *

Britt and Quinn took the baby and the stroller inside while I unstrapped Isaac.

_"Let's go, Papa."_ I said softly as I tried to wrap my hands under his arms.

_"No!"_ he yelled at me and I stood there shocked.

_"Isaac Aden Lopez...lets move it."_ I scolded him but he just ignored me and yelled louder.

He kicked his legs out as I leaned over him and caught me right on the lip.

I could feel the blood seep down my chin as I tried and failed to get him out of his chair.

_"Here let me try?"_ I heard Britt from behind me.

_"I got it."_ I yelled as I got him out of the chair but now he was on the floor, screaming his head off.

_"No mami, no mami, no mami!"_ he kept yelling.

_"Ana...please let me try. I'm the one he's mad at."_

I was frustrated and tried to stand up and ended up hitting my head on the top of the car.

_"Shit!"_ I muttered as I stood up.

I turned towards Britt and she looked at me in concern and then wiped at my lip with her thumb.

_"Your bleeding. He got you pretty good. Can I try?"_

_"Yea well, he's a fighter so watch yourself."_ I said as I rubbed at my lip with the back of my hand and stood back as Britt tried to get him out of the car.

* * *

Now that I had a chance to step back I could feel the split in my bottom lip. It was pretty deep and the bleeding wouldn't stop. I sucked it into my mouth and watched as Britt calmed him down and then stood to the side and let him climb out the car on his own.

_"Tell Mami your sorry."_

_"Mami up? Pees?"_

I leaned over and picked him up so we were eye to eye.

_"I see?"_ I stuck out my lip and his face got all concentrated. Then he leaned in and kissed my lip._ "Sowy Mami."_ he whispered as he rubbed my face. I rubbed my thumb across his lip that now had my blood on it. He smiled and then leaned in and kissed my face.

_"It's okay, papa."_ I said as I hugged him and buried my face against his neck. He patted my back and kept apologizing.

I put Isaac back down on the ground and watched as he ran ahead towards the door.

_"Don't run Izzy."_ Britt said. He slowed down and began to walk slowly. We caught up to him and it wasn't until I went to open the door that I realized that Britt had her hand rested on the small of my back.

When we got inside, Quinn was sitting in the couch feeding Daniela the organic baby food that she made her. Tor was sitting next to her making faces at the baby to get her to open her mouth.

Isaac ran toward the couch and climbed up next to Quinn and began jabbering away.

_"Let me help you clean that."_ Britt said as she led me to the kitchen. I just agreed and led her to the first aid kit.

* * *

I sat on a kitchen stool as Britt began to lay things out on the counter.

I sat there looking up in Britt's eyes as she examined my lip.

_"Any harder and you would have needed stitches."_

_"That bad?"_

_"Yep...don't talk it bleeds when you do...just let me work okay?"_ I nodded and stuck my lip out further.

She put the peroxide on an I felt my eyes water from the pain. She leaned in and wiped my tears with her thumbs before kissing the tip of my nose.

_"You're doing great, Ana. Just a few butterfly stitches and it should be fine."_ she began to clean it again and this time I didn't fight the tears as they poured down my cheeks.

She wiped them and kissed my nose again before spreading the ointment on it and then putting the waterproof stitches on my lip.

I stared in her eyes as she rubbed my cheeks a few times as she tilted my head and examined her work.

I tried to smile but it hurt so I stared as she leaned in and looked closer. Her breath was on my face and I could smell her favorite blue raspberry gum. We were just inches away. I wanted to kiss her badly but she just gave me a chaste kiss on the side of my lip.

_"Ok...ice?" _she turned away quickly.

I felt disappointment rush through me as I stood to my feet. She turned and placed an ice pack in my hand.

_"Someone knows he owes me a time out so...ill go take care of that. You're still sweaty...so go shower and then we can all go to breakfast? Mom wants you guys to all come. Sue and Tor too. Sue already agreed."_

_"Oh okay...then I'll just go get ready. Thanks for everything, B."_

_"I'm going to make things right, Ana. We can talk about it later, maybe?"_

_"Definitely."_

She smiled really huge and then we went opposite ways...her to deal with Isaac and me towards my shower.

Things were starting to look up.

* * *

I climbed out of the shower and began to dry myself when I my phone ring.

I raced to my room dropping my towel along the way. Britt sat on my bed and held my phone out to me. I froze as she looked me up and down as she rubbed Isaac's back. He was fast asleep on the bed next to her.

_"It was your mom...I was kind of afraid to answer."_ Britt whispered.

_"Oh." _

I had thought about covering up but Britt had seen me naked way too many times to try to be modest.

_"When did you get a tattoo?"_ I whipped around and looked at her in shock.

I hadn't told anyone about it and was surprised she was just noticing it.

_"I've had it for like over a year...before I got pregnant with Isaac."_

_"Why am I just seeing it?"_

_"Well...it's really small."_ I said as I fingered the small star on my hip...if you weren't staring at my ass, it looked like a mole.

_"Come here...can I get a closer look?"_

I backed up close enough that she could see but not touch.

_"It's really cute."_

_"Um...thanks."_ I said as I got dressed in loose clothes.

_"Why don't you dress the same Ana...you are beautiful you shouldn't hide it."_

_"I haven't shopped...no matter how much I work out my hips are wider now. Sweats are just easier."_

_"We should do a shopping day."_

_"I'd like that but how about we think bigger?"_

_"Like how big?"_

_"Like...a new house."_

_"Where?"_

_"Close to the city."_

_"But we aren't together."_ Britt said with hopeful eyes. Maybe bringing up the house could have waited.

_"But we are working towards that right?"_ I asked as I pulled on a tighter shirt.

_"Slowly. I realize that after...it...I'm not the same person I was and I don't ever want to be her again. So we need to learn who we are now after everything changed."_

_"I agree, B. Its not concrete but it's something to think about...right?"_

_"Absolutely, Ana."_

_"Do you think I could hug you?"_ I asked as I slid out of my sweats and pulled on some capris.

_"I would really like that."_ she stood and put a pillow next to Isaac and then pulled me against her chest.

I buried my face against her neck and inhaled a new spicier scent. I liked it. She smelled like home.

_"Do you think we can really fix things, B?"_

_"No...I don't think the way we were and where we were headed can be fixed. I do know that these new and better versions of ourselves are starting over...with nothing to fix but a lot to learn."_

We stood there a little while longer holding each other and just soaking up all the positive vibes between us.

It was like we had always been these two halves to a whole and forever tried to go our own way.

This time it felt like our two halves were finally trying to become one solid entity.

It felt good and it felt right.

For the first time in a very long time.

* * *

We headed to Susan's house as soon as I was dressed. It was the first time that me and Britt were showing up together as a family, even though we weren't together at the moment.

I was surprised to see my mom and Padrino already sitting at the long table on the patio out in the back. Brunch was in full swing when Britt stood up at the head of the table.

_"I just wanted to raise a toast to Ana for working so hard to stay sober. I think she's turning out to be a great mother."_

I ducked my head and continued to break pieces of biscuit up for Isaac as everyone raised their orange juice to toast me.

After that everyone kept raising toasts and it was really awesome. We laughed and joked. It felt like we were a big family again and as I looked across the table at Britt, I knew that we were on our way back to the start.

It was a great feeling and I never wanted it to end.

The day just kept getting better because we left Susan's and headed to the park. Quinn and Rachel were going to meet us after they picked up Beth.

Noah was apparently helping Finn at the shop today so Beth was just at Noah's mom's house.

I sat on a bench by the water feeding Daniela while Britt and Isaac fed the ducks.

This is how I had always dreamed things would be with us...easy. Sad to say though, I'm a skeptic and was always waiting for the other proverbial shoe to fall.

It didn't though and it made me a little uneasy, like it would all come crashing down the moment that I let my guard down.

* * *

We were riding back to Susan's with two sleeping kids in the back when Britt reached out and grabbed my hand.

_"Thank you for giving me a family, Ana."_ she said as she brought my fingers to her lips and kissed them. A warmth flooded through me and I looked away out my window.

We kept our pinkies linked as she drove us to her childhood home.

As we pulled up, I sat there thinking about everything while Britt and Susan took the kids upstairs and put them down for a nap.

Could this really be what we were missing?

Just simple suburban life?

That just didn't seem like us but from the looks of just today...it would seem that we have matured into my parents.

Parents who decided early on that maybe being tied down in the suburbs wasn't for them.

I didn't want to have to wait twenty years to realize what I has wanted in high school had been right.

_"Ana?" _

I sat there with a million questions going through my head and no answers to follow them.

What was this?

* * *

_"You're thinking too much."_ I turned toward the voice and saw Britt standing there with my door open just staring at me.

_"How did you know what I was doing?"_

_"Because it's my job to know you best... I forgot that but now I remember and I won't forget again. You're my missing puzzle piece."_

_"Hey B, do you think we're too old to have a sleepover?"_

Her eyes lit up and she shook her head.

_"Never."_

_"Can I sleep over? Me and the kids?"_

_"Let me ask my mom!" _

It was like watching the past come alive as Britt excitedly ran inside to track down Susan.

* * *

_"This was a great idea San. When Rachel told me that Britt called to invite for a sleepover, I thought she had heard wrong. I'm glad she didn't."_

_"I'm glad that you came and that you brought Beth. The kids had a good time playing together tonight." _I sat on the edge of Britt's bed and breastfed Daniela while Quinn rocked Isaac in her arms. Beth was still downstairs with Rachel and Britt making cookies and popcorn for our Disney movie marathon._  
_

_"Is he asleep?" _Q asked as she turned around so I could see my son's face. He was drooling a little on her shoulder and I smiled to myself._  
_

_"Definitely."  
_

She turned around and glared at me before laying him down in the crib._  
_

_"He drooled down my back didn't he?" _she asked as she pulled off her shirt.

The door flung open at that second as Quinn stood topless. Britt looked heartbroken for a second but then when she saw me wrapped up in breastfeeding and Quinn looking at her shirt, her face relaxed._  
_

_"Izzy drooled on you?" _she asked as she went to her dresser to find her a shirt._  
_

_ "Yea."  
_

_"I was worried for a second." _she admitted as she handed the shirt to Quinn._ "But then I remembered that we each got the girl...this is my favorite night shirt...don't get anything on it."_

* * *

Late that night as I curled up in Britt's bed with her spooning me, our babies just a few feet away dreaming sweetly, I realized that I was home again._  
_

_"Ana?"  
_

_"Yea, B?"  
_

_"I'm really glad that we decided to start over."  
_

_"Me too...B."  
_

_"I'm glad that we are best friends again."  
_

_"Me too."_

* * *

It was the middle of the night and I had just come back from the bathroom, the kids were still asleep and Britt was curled up in bed hugging that damned cat. I ended up grabbing a blanket and climbing onto the window seat.

My mind was still everywhere and try as I might, I still couldn't shake that feeling of impending doom, no matter how hard I tried.

I knew that we were trying our best to start again but so much had happened that I was finding it hard to get to that place where I wanted to start.

I still wanted my space.

I still wanted to discover who I was outside of addiction.

Things in my life were still evolving and I didn't want anything to get in the way of that.

Not even Brittany.

I was going to play the game but I was going to be cautious.

I was just sick and tired of being hurt and at some point I have to accept partial responsiblity for it.

That point, that time, was now.

* * *

_"What are you thinking, Ana?"_

I looked over towards the bed and saw that Britt was sitting on the edge staring at me with wide eyes. She was completely vulnerable and open to me._  
_

_"About us, this." _I pointed at the space between us and then looked into her eyes._ "Can you promise me something, B?"  
_

_"Anything."  
_

_"Promise me that this time around, we take things slowly and as they come. That this time we are open and honest with each other in the beginning of an issue and promise me that above all else...no matter what happens between us, that we put the kids first."  
_

_"I promise. I will do more than promise...I will show you and continue to show you that I'm in this for good and that I'm ready for this love, this relationship, whatever it may be. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to be back in your lives for good."  
_

Britt stood in front of me now and was running her fingers over my cheek softly.

The moonlight danced across her skin and made her seem angelic...which at times wasn't far from the truth.

She leaned in and wrapped her arms around me._  
_

_"I love you, B." _I said softly as I rested my head on her shoulder._  
_

_"I love you, always and forever. Only you."  
_

In that moment, as we sat there, I allowed my walls to crumble.

I allowed myself to feel everything that was between us and it felt amazing._  
_


	10. Chapter 10:I Am Stripped

**Chapter 10: I Am [Stripped] (Christina Aguilera)**

* * *

**_In that moment, as we sat there, I allowed my walls to crumble._**

**_I allowed myself to feel everything that was between us and it felt amazing.  
_**

* * *

_"It's good to see you Santana. It's been awhile."_

_"Well...it's been two weeks."_

_"You came to me straight out of rehab and asked to see me three days a week, just like your therapist at the center suggested...which means that you have missed six appointments. So tell me, how are things?"_

_"I'm not sure really."_

_"What do you want to talk about today?"_

_"My father...today would have been his 50th birthday...he's been on my mind all week."_

_"Is that what brought you in?"_

_"No...Britt's back."_

_"Is that what happened to your lip?"_

He sighed and then began to scribble in his notes.

_"No...this was my son. I have learned a valuable lesson, never lean over a one year old who is in the midst of a tantrum."_

_"Ahh...I see."_

_"Things with Britt are better though...we are trying...since I last saw you...she's experienced this huge loss and now it's like she understands me better."_

_"Is she okay?"_

_"Yes...she's seeing two therapists and is back on her meds."_

_"And the guy she is with? How does he fit in?"_

_"He's gone...he got her pregnant, convinced her to have an abortion before disappearing and now she's super depressed about it."_

_"I can see why."_

_"She and I are working through our stuff, one day at a time but for now she's working on being a mom to our kids. Which is way more important to me than our romantic relationship."_

_"So tell me then, how did you come in because of Brittany but then end up wanting to talk about your dad?"_

_"The abuse."_

_"From Brittany or your dad?"_

_"Both. I am starting to wonder if I am drawn to these abusive types."_

_"What about Ariana or Ian? Or Quinn? Azimio or Noah?"_

_"Well...the thing is...I didn't go through with relationships with them. Just Marco and Brittany."_

_"So you think that you are addicted to settling down with the abusive type?"_

_"I think so."_

_"And why do you think that is?"_

_"It definitely stems back to my dad."_

_"Tell me more about him?"_

_"He was a surgeon. Member of Mensa, top scholar, man of few words, all action. He was self-made, loved hard and was loyal...to a fault."_

_"Okay...that's his public persona...tell me more about the man at home."_

_"Drunk, abusive, liar, manipulator, bully...addict. Like me."_

_"Why do you say that?"_

_"Replace the alcohol with cocaine and I just described myself." _

I was in shock.

I had become my father.

_"How?"_

_"Right down to hurting my kids. I snorted cocaine when I was pregnant with Isaac and I got high again knowing that I breastfeed when it came to Daniela and I knew that I'm supposed to preserve my milk. I have told countless lies to the people whom I profess to love, I was a bully in high school...the list is just endless!" _

I was panicking.

I had a hand to my chest as I tried to force out a breath but my chest was way too tight.

_"There's a clear difference between you and your father Santana. You got help and are still getting help. You have confronted your demons and are working on becoming who you want to be for you and for your children."_

I sat in the car for a while after my session was over and tried to reconcile facts from my fears.

He was right...I had done something that Papi never would have done.

I had asked for help.

I was still afraid of who I was capable of becoming and I would do whatever I could to prevent that from happening.

* * *

_"Sue and Tor have already left for cheer camp, it's early this year because since Sue has decided to restructure the whole way she runs her program. Apparently, Figgins wants her out as cheer coach and has put her on probation until the end of the school year. Do you mind if I stay with you?"_

_"You're always welcome...besides...it would be helpful if you could help pack up your room."_

_"Thanks Mami."_

_"You know that you don't have to ask...this is your home."_

_"Are you sure you want to move to Puerto Rico...it's your home too."_

_"It's been a long time coming, Santana. Hector and I are married now and with him retiring...we want to travel and see the world. We want to make our home where we were both born not here in your father's house."_

_"I understand that."_

_"I knew that you would, mija."_

_"But you're not going to sell it...right?"_

_"No...it's yours to keep or sell. I just think we need to pack up the place. Don't want to attract rodents or theives."_

_"Okay, you're right, Mami...see you in a few hours."_

_"Cuidate."_

_"Always."_

* * *

I had thought that nothing could break Sue Sylvester, but that was while we were at school.

At home, things were different.

I was up in the middle of the night with Isaac who had a bad dream, which I didn't even know was possible at that age, and I heard her sobbing in her office.

Despite how tough she seemed, her job meant the world to her.

I didn't dare bother her but that moment right there, showed me that no one is as invincible as they seem.

I'm a huge believer in rituals and signs...you could say that I'm slightly superstitious...and I guess you would be right.

The moment that I heard her breakdown, I dropped to my knees and began to pray.

I had this feeling of impending doom since the day before and it still hadn't gone away.

God was warning me, I was sure of it.

When I woke up the next morning, Sue and Tor were already packed and eating breakfast before getting on the road.

Sue seemed her usual self but I could see the aura of sadness around her.

I didn't show that I knew that she had broke down, instead, I told them that I was leaving too.

Despite all my time in rehab and committing to being clean, I didn't trust myself to be alone in that house for any long period of time.

It was too much pressure.

So within one hour, I had packed up myself and the kids and had called Britt to come and move us to my mom's.

She was so excited to help me and even offered to take the kids for the day so that I could get some packing done.

I let her take Isaac since he was still grumpy from his nightmare and no one could calm him down and rein him in like Britt could.

I kept Daniela with me though, I just wanted to be close to her, to both of my kids actually but I knew that with the way that I was feeling, dealing with a grumpy one year old wasn't going to help.

* * *

_**What are you two up to?-San**_

_**Just bumming around the house.-Q**_

_**Want to help me pack up my room?-San**_

_**Is there food involved?-Q**_

_**Mami made those bacon fritters and I can order a pizza.-San**_

_**Deal...can I bring Rachel?-Q**_

_**More hands...faster packing...no sex!-San**_

_**Let it go already! :P-Q**_

_**Just get here.-San**_

_**Warm up my fritters...we are on the way!-Q**_

* * *

There is no limit to the amount of things I have learned to do while breastfeeding, so when I answered the front door for Quinn and Rachel while Daniela was latched on, Rachel smiled and Quinn grimaced.

She was horrified and it was insanely amusing as I she looked at Rachel before scowling at me.

_"Must you do that out in the open, San?"_ Quinn asked as she stepped in and closed the door behind Rachel.

_"It's so natural, Quinn. Don't be such a prude!"_ Rachel laughed as she leaned in and kissed Daniela's head.

_"Seriously, Rach...you couldn't of maybe waited until the baby was a little further away from San's naked boob?"_

_"Oh come on, Quinn. It's not like I was going to shove the baby out of the way. You act like I was getting in line."_ Rachel said as she leaned in and kissed my cheek.

_"Well, I do have another boob..."_

I joked just so that I could watch Quinn turn red and yank Rachel out of the way and pull her towards the kitchen.

_"Not funny San!" _

_"Oh Q, relax...we are all friends here."_

_"Yes and out of the four of us, you, me, Rachel, and Britt...you and Rachel are the only two who haven't slept together and I would like to keep it that way." _

_"Whoa...cool it Q, I am so not ready for that kind of thing and if I even wanted to go there...it wouldn't be with Rachel."_ I winked at her and then I turned and made my way up the stairs to my bedroom.

Santana 1, Quinn 0!

* * *

I put Daniela down in the nursery and headed into my bedroom with paper plates.

Quinn and Rachel were already eating straight out of the box.

I tossed the plates in their direction and headed towards the window.

_"I'm going to start clearing out the treehouse. Listen out for Daniela and no sex!"_

There was a lot of eye rolling but I was serious.

I climbed onto the ledge and hopped over onto the porch of the treehouse.

I had done this countless times and I couldn't imagine anyone else doing it.

In that moment I knew that I would never sell my childhood home.

I would keep it for summers and trips back to Lima.

Why sell? I didn't need the money.

I pushed open the door and looked around at the big indoor fort.

The sheets hadn't been down since I was a little girl.

I started at one end of the room and began to yank at the tacks.

What I found behind them...made me want to run even though I didn't.

* * *

I remained calm as I took down a sheet, folded it and placed it by the doorway.

I looked over at the window sill again just to make sure I was seeing things correctly before moving to the next wall.

Behind the second sheet on another window sill...same thing.

There was no doubt in my mind that Marco had been in here because these weren't here the last time I was up here.

I was on the final sheet now and wasn't surprised this time when I saw the ten bags of coke lining the window sill.

Three windows...thirty bags.

I don't know how I ended up on the floor hyperventilating...but that's how Rachel found me sometime later.

_"Santana? What's wrong?"_

I looked up at her as tears streaked down my cheeks and then looked towards the window closest to me.

I hadn't even dared to touch those bags.

Rachel immediately came and grabbed my arms so that she could help me stand.

The world was blurry as I tried to look down at her.

_"I d-didn't...M-Marco..."_

I tried to explain but ended up covering my mouth and nose, trying to slow down my breaths.

How had this happened?

_"It's okay, just keep breathing. Let's get you back inside."_

I nodded my head numbly and clenched tightly to Rachel's hand as we crossed back into my bedroom.

Quinn was going through my closet and making piles but froze when she saw me.

_"What happened? What's wrong?"_

_"Marco left her a present. One that I think maybe we should let Hector take care of."_

_"You're kidding me, right?" _Quinn stormed passed us and lept out of the window. _"What the fuck!"_

I heard her yell before stumbling back into the room looking dazed and pissed off.

I was sitting on the bed, gripping the edge and staring down at my shaking legs.

Even with rehab and everything, I was still weak.

My mind had seen it and even though I didn't want it...there was a darkness closing in.

_"Quinn, call Hector and Gladys...I need...we need to go to a meeting." _

Rachel was suddenly shoving shoes onto my feet and trying to hustle me out the door.

Her plan was to get me as far away from the cocaine as possible.

Which with the way I was feeling, was a really great plan.

I was grateful for the foresight that I had to call Quinn and Rachel to come over, I don't even want to think about how it would have been if I had been alone.

Alone with the drugs and the baby.

* * *

I don't know how I managed to make it just in time for a meeting but we got there just as it started and slipped into the back seats.

I was still taking harsh breaths but Rachel didn't let go of my hand.

She just sat there and rubbed my back between my shoulder blades and leaned her head on my shoulder.

_"It's going to be okay...just breathe. You did a great job resisting the temptation."_

I nodded and tried to pay attention to the leader of the group.

No matter what was happening around me, my mind kept going back to the treehouse.

My heart was racing until the leader asked if anyone wanted the floor.

I thought that Rachel would push me to talk but instead she stood up and smiled at the people around her, she gave my hand a final squeeze and then walked towards the front.

Even with her not being a drug addict, she was addicted to something and so her talking to this room full of people still served a purpose.

I was entranced as I watched her every movement.

_"Hello, I'm Rachel and I'm an alcoholic." _

_"Welcome Rachel."_ The group said.

I watched her in awe, suddenly completely alert as she looked straight back at me.

_"I have been sober for seven months. I never thought that this was where I would end up when I was a kid running around Lima performing and trying to be perfect. My fathers' sheltered me the best that they could and for the most part it worked. There aren't many people in my life that are brave enough to tell me no. Usually they try but eventually, I talk and argue until they relent...everyone except one person. She was going through her own addictions and problems and in high school she tortured me relentlessly. Yet, when I was on a downward spiral...she tried to get through to me and when I tried to argue it, she took me in and then she was the one to drop me off at rehab. I don't think...actually, I know for a fact that I would not be here if it weren't for her. I have always looked at her as this strong individual who could conquer the world with her sass and confidence. Little did I know that buried under all that rough exterior was a person that was just as damaged as me, maybe more so. Someone who had been through abuse and loss and survived. Today, I had the opportunity to return the favor and be there for the last person that I thought would ever take help from me and it strengthened my resolve to stay sober. I could stand here and tell you guys about how I caved under tremendous pressure once I left Lima and moved to New York but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that now that I am clean, I am doing my best to help others just like my friend helped me even when she had every reason in the world not to. I'm looking forward to hitting a year of sobriety...thanks to her."_

I had my head down as my shoulders shook.

Her words had touched me.

The tears wouldn't fall completely but they were clogging up my nose and my throat.

I felt her hands on my shoulders just before she wrapped her arms around me.

Her words had gotten under my skin and were working their way into my heart.

Her testimony had stripped me raw and made me see myself in her eyes.

I had never been this openly vulnerable in a room full of strangers, not even in rehab.

I found that it didn't matter to me, what mattered, is that I had one more person to add to my network.

A true friend that I could trust.

Rachel fucking Berry.

* * *

I sat at the kitchen island and stared into my café as I breastfed Daniela.

Quinn had gone to pick up Brittany and Isaac and Rachel was sitting across from me quietly reading a book.

I had barely spoken and she seemed to be okay with that for now.

Mami and Padrino were both up in my treehouse with Felix, logging and dusting the bags for prints.

I guess they wanted to make sure that I hadn't put the bags there.

I wasn't offended.

My name was clear in this.

At least I thought it was.

I heard stomping coming down the steps and didn't realize that it was getting louder until my now teething baby bit down on my boob.

_"Ow! Shit!"_ I moaned as I looked down at Daniela.

She had laughter in her eyes...she couldn't be doing it on purpose right?

_"Santana!"_

My head jerked up and I was met with my godfather's questioning eyes.

_"Are you sure that you didn't put those bags up there?"_

I looked at him in shock.

_"Yes, I'm sure...I didn't even know that they were there, Pa...I swear to you!" _

_"The only prints on them are yours. Tell me the truth!"_

My jaw dropped as he looked at me with more anger than I have ever seen from him.

* * *

I turned from him and pulled the baby off my boob since Pa's yelling had her gnawing down on my poor nipple.

_"Rachel...can you...take her, burp her? Do you mind?"_

_"Of course, no problem!"_ Rachel happily took Daniela from the room and left me with both my mother and her new husband down my throat.

_"Pa, I didn't know. If they were mine, I wouldn't have called you, willingly. I would have just gotten rid of them myself. I'm not lying."_

I stood to my shaky feet and looked up at him straight in the eyes.

Mami believed me.

I could see it in her face as she lightly rubbed Pa's arm and whispered to him.

_"Amor, she's not lying...is there some other way maybe?"_

He took a deep breath and looked at my mother with calm eyes.

_"With Marco Vega, I don't doubt it. I just...I had to make sure. I can't put my reputation on the line...I'm retired. I'm supposed to be done with this!"_

_"I'm sorry, Padrino. I'm so fucking sorry."_

* * *

I stood there looking at him, one of the only father figures that I had left and tried to be strong as he stared me down one last time.

He knew that I was being honest but I could tell that he was just pissed to be in this position at all.

And I didn't blame him.

Here is the clear difference between, Papi and Padrino.

Papi would be drunk by now and would have already grabbed me by my hair and thrown me clear across the floor.

Padrino on the other hand nodded and then walked slowly over to me and opened his arms.

I admit that I flinched when I saw his hands raise but then I realized that it was a gesture of love and I fell into his arms.

_"I'm sorry, that I was so accusatory, mija, it's just...you have lied to me before."_

My head was buried against his chest but I could hear him clearly, I nodded in agreement but didn't speak.

He was right.

I just didn't want him to not trust me.

But that was something that I had to build.

_"I understand."_

_"Now that you have reassured me that you had no hand in any of this, I feel like we are just going to have to not log this. Right Felix?"_

I was in shock.

Not report it?

I looked over at Felix who he smiled at me and winked.

_"If this can stay between us...then...I can just dispose of it. Marco's dead...there's nothing that can be done."_

I stepped out of Pa's arms and walked over to Felix and put my hands on his shoulders.

His dark eyes flickered and he smiled at me.

It was probably the first time that I willingly touched him since he had me bent over in the backseat of his cop car.

He had meant a lot to me at one point and I had really hurt him.

But here he stood.

_"Thank you so much, Felo...for this...shit...I owe you big for this!" _

_"No you don't...just stay clean. Okay? You've got too much going for you."_ I nodded and pulled him in for a hug.

_"Thank you!"_

* * *

That night, as I sat in the nursery staring at my sleeping kids, with Britt sleeping in the next room...I suddenly was thinking of Enda...was she still sitting in a cell?

What a charmed life I had to be able to get off so easy.

I couldn't go on that way...not without doing something about it.

I made my way down to the kitchen and even though it was the middle of the night, there was Mami sitting at the island looking through some case work.

_"Cafe is on the stove."_ she said as she thumbed through the pages.

I nodded and poured myself a cup before sitting across from her.

_"Why aren't you in bed?"_ she asked as I sipped the best café in the world.

_"I couldn't sleep."_

_"It's a curse...all the women on my side of the family are night owls. You have been this way since you were a baby and from what I can see, my nieta is going to be the same way."_

_"I hope not...Daniela needs to learn that night time is for Mami. She has to get this late sleep thing under control."_

_"Don't hold your breath!"_ Mami chuckled as she raised an eyebrow and smiled.

_"Mami...can I ask you something?"_

As a kid, my mother would have just nodded and continued to do whatever she was doing while pretending to listen.

These days she had put more stock and value into our relationship, so she shoved the papers to the side, readjusted her glasses and looked at me as I spoke.

_"What's on your mind, mija?"_

_"Do you remember when I was at Rikers and I met that woman...another Brenda Lopez?"_

_"Yes...I looked into her case."_

_"Do you know what happened to her?"_

_"Of course."_

_"Can you tell me?"_

_"While you were in rehab...and I was still in New York, me and Hector had just gone to the Justice of the Peace. We were married all of five minutes, when I saw the girl walking with the public defender looking so defeated. I recognized her from her case file. I knew that you would come to me and ask so I talked to some people. Her case got thrown out, lack of evidence. She's living in Staten Island with her daughter...last I checked."_

_"How do you know all that?"_

_"Because...I'm nosy just like you are! Ha...I went to go see her. To introduce myself...I paid her legal fees and gave her my card if she got into any trouble."_

_"Wow."_

_"I could tell that she got to you, mija...I know that if you could have helped her you would have. You have always been a good judge in character...believe it or not. The people who you have around you are a good indication of that, the bad people were put in your life...you had no control over them."_

_"You really think so?"_

_"Si, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."_

_"I'm really sorry about earlier...I had no idea that stuff was there."_

_"Let it go. I don't want to hear about it. Marco has done so much to hurt you and this family and I would really like to forget him."_

_"Me too...but it's not that easy for me. If you knew all the things he put me through...if you could imagine how I lived...you would understand why I lost it."_

_"Do you want to tell me?"_

That wasn't the response that I was expecting.

_"Seriously?"_

_"Yes. I am partly responsible for him being in your life and so I would like you to tell me everything when you are ready. I deserve to know what a part of you is holding me and your father accountable for."_

_"I forgave you Mami...you followed him...he was your husband."_

_"And you are my child. I should have stood by you. It's one of my greatest mistakes. I stopped protecting you the moment you could walk and talk on your own. As a mother...you will someday see the errors that you have made...however small, reflected in your children. I don't wish it on you but it happens to everyone. Susan gave Brittany everything she wanted...she raised her the best she could...never laid a hand on her...and Brittany still ended up failing. Same thing with Judy...she did everything for Quinn and she went off and got pregnant. The Berries...they doted on Rachel and she still ended up in rehab. As parents we do our best and hope that we don't screw up our children too much, but it's going to happen. It's how you deal with it that sets you apart as a good parent or not."_

_"Do you think that I'm going to screw up my kids?" _

_"It doesn't matter what I think. I mean...you are already blaming yourself for the stupid things that you've done...like the drugs while you were pregnant...then nearly overdosing. I mean, mija, you have had a hard couple of years but you are so much stronger than your father or I ever was."_

_"You really mean that?"_

_"With all of my heart. I'm so proud of who you are fighting to become."_

And there it was...the words that I had been dying to hear all of my life from my parents.

It filled a part of me that I had long since forgotten about.

I looked at my mother and felt the tears dry as I smiled at her.

_"I'm proud of you too, Mami." _

This time she looked at me in shock...and knowing how much I wanted that very thing from my own children, I finally realized that our parents want us to be proud of them too.

_"For what?"_

_"You realized the problem between us and you are trying so hard to fix it. You have been more of my mother in the last year than in my whole life and I'm so grateful because even though we had that one episode...which you told me to never mention again...I don't think I would have made it through all this stuff without you by my side. I'm so happy that you are my mother."_

_"And you'll tell me about all the things that happened that summer?"_

_"When the time is right...when I can handle it...yes."_

* * *

I climbed the steps side by side with Mami, holding hands and thinking about all that had just transpired between us.

We had reached a new level of our relationship and had mended some old scars.

I hugged Mami and then quietly crept into my bedroom which was pointless because there Britt sat waiting for me, wide awake with her nose in a book.

_"You're awake?"_

_"I woke up and you weren't here...I figured that you and Gladys were downstairs having coffee...so I waited."_

I kicked off my slippers and climbed into bed next to her.

She smiled and put the book down before reaching and clicking off the lamp.

_"Thanks for staying with me tonight, B."_

_"Thanks for asking me to stay. Do you mind if I hold you?"_

_"Do you mind if I hold you?"_ I whispered back.

_"Really?"_ she was shocked.

This wasn't a common occurrence.

Usually it was her spooning me but I felt the need to comfort her.

I knew that she hadn't been sleeping, Susan told me that she had been up dancing through the nights and sleeping in the daytime.

_"Please?"_ I asked again.

She didn't respond but shifted in the bed and backed up against me.

That was all the answer that I needed, as I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face against the back of her neck.

_"Ana?"_

_"Yes, B?"_

_"I know that we are taking it slow...but do you think...would you mind holding me like this until I go back to New York?"_ she whispered shyly.

_"I would be honored."_

After that, she fell right to sleep in moments and stayed tucked against me through the night.

She was back at home in my arms and felt safe again.

I felt so raw as I held her close to me.

Back in high school, I would have forced her to stay up and listen to me rant about all the shit that was fucked up in my life but right now...I felt so taken care of by the people around me that I felt like I could fully focus on taking care of Britt.

She needed me more than I had realized.

Every time that she was pulling away from me, she was wishing that I would draw her closer.

If you're rejected enough you forget to ask to be held, to be loved, to be cared for.

The past two years had been all about me and not really about us.

But now that I have a clearer understanding of who I am...I can better become who I want to be.

* * *

**A/N: Battling an unending cold but I had to get this out for you guys so that I can rest this weekend. Enjoy!**


	11. Chapter 11:Kiss Me

**Chapter 11:Kiss Me (Ed Sheeran)**

* * *

_**If you're rejected enough you forget to ask to be held, to be loved, to be cared for. The past two years had been all about me and not really about us.**_

_**But now that I have a clearer understanding of who I am...I can better become who I want to be.**_

* * *

**_There is no one that I would rather wake up next to than Brittany._**

**_She is my comfort and my safe place._**

**_It was before dawn when I woke up expecting a crying baby but was met with nothing but Britt's soft breathing against my neck._**

**_I had an arm wrapped around her as she laid pressed against my side. I was staring at the ceiling and imagining that everything between us was perfect._**

**_I knew though that it was a waste of time but it wasn't about regret, it was about trying to remember what it was like to be completely in love._**

**_I had forgotten along the way but my body hadn't._**

**_I held her close and kissed her sweet face._**

**_She was still asleep but I knew that there was no chance for me._**

**_I stayed still though because I didn't want to disturb her peace._**

**_I took the opportunity to smell her and to watch her as she smiled in her sleep. There were purple bruises under her eyes from all the sleep that she had lost but I knew that a few more nights like this and they would soon disappear._**

**_"You are such a creeper." her voice mumbled against me._**

**_"What?" I was caught off guard._**

**_"I can feel your eyes burning into my skin...it's very distracting." A smile broke across her face but she still hadn't opened her eyes._**

**_"I can't help it, B. I could watch you all day...everything about you fascinates me."_**

**_Was that too much honesty?_**

**_She opened her eyes and stared up into mine in awe._**

**_"I feel the same way."_**

**_Before I knew it she had pounced on me and was half on top of me with a leg thrown around my waist._**

**_"Kiss me, Britt." I said as I caressed her cheek._**

**_"Yea?" she hovered above me and smiled._**

**_"Yea." I smiled back at her._**

**_She lowered her lips slowly and then pressed a slow peck to my lips._**

**_It was lazy and familiar._**

**_It was perfect._**

**_That's how I knew that it was a dream._**

* * *

When you're dreaming about love, things seem so much easier but that's not how things are in waking reality.

When I woke up the next morning, Britt was gone.

Now I don't mean like just gone from the bed or the room, no, she had left the house entirely.

I tried not to take it personally.

I tried to just get up and move about my morning like it didn't bother me at all.

Even though it really, really did.

I got Isaac and Daniela bathed and dressed, put them in the jogging stroller and then made my way towards the Lima Bean.

It was a five mile walk, but I needed the exercise.

I was halfway through my latte with two babbling kids in the stroller when someone dropped into the seat across from me.

_"Hi San."_

_"Hey Q."_

_"Everything okay?"_

_"Why wouldn't it be?"_

_"You just left with the kids, no word, haven't been answering your phone. I was starting to worry."_

_"I'm sorry."_ I dug my phone out of my pocket and saw that I had twelve missed calls. _"I didn't realize it was that big of a deal. I'm really sorry."_ I shrugged and then leaned down and picked up Daniela.

_"I'm just glad you're okay."_

_"Ma."_ she said as she clapped her pudgy hands.

_"Hi bebe!"_ I said as I smothered her in kisses and delighted in her baby laughter.

_"Dama...up? Pees?"_ I heard Isaac demand with a grumble in his voice.

_"Don't mind him Q...he's been super jealous lately. Thankfully you're here or he may have gone nuclear."_

_"Dama to the rescue."_

She winked and then not only saved him from the stroller but walked with him towards the front counter, just to give him that extra attention.

I knew for a fact, from the smile on his face as they walked by that he was soaking it up.

Even though I was incredibly grateful for what Q was doing, after last night, I was sure that this would be Britt here with me...but she had left me.

I wasn't even sure that I wanted to know why.

* * *

_"So...I need you to agree to something."_

Quinn had come back with my son and a big danish.

She was breaking off pieces and giving them to him as he sat on her lap and glared at the baby.

I tried to ignore it and pay attention to what Q was about to lay on me.

_"What's up?" _

_"Britt's family is going on a vacation...to the beach in New Jersey. They want to take the kids...Britt's too afraid to ask you. It's for a week."_

_"Um...I don't know, Q...that's a really long time to be away from them."_

I looked down at my daughter and could see her making her way towards my boobs.

I wasn't sure I wanted to send her off...so far from me.

_"Think of the alone time for just you and Britt...I mean...it would be great."_

_"No."_

_"No? You guys are working on getting back together...right?"_

I looked at her and then down at the baby.

Daniela was babbling and looking at me excitedly, like she had just told me a huge piece of gossip and then I looked over at Isaac.

His blue eyes were almost grey at the moment.

He looked pissed off again.

I smiled at him but he turned his face from me and looked towards Q again.

_"I don't know. I think we are. Last night...it was good but then this morning...I woke up and she was gone."_

_"What are you talking about? I went to your house this morning and she was there."_

_"Not when I woke up."_

_"Did you call her?"_

_"No."_

_"Maybe you should."_

_"Look...I know she's going through a hard time but no...I'm not chasing her. I came back to Lima for a break from trying to uphold a failed marriage. I just want to focus on me. She can be a part of that or not...but I'm not chasing her. And no...they can't take the kids. You can go tell her that."_

_"I'm not going to be a messenger, Santana."_

_"Too late." _

_"Don't get like this...San."_

_"Who's side are you on?"_

_"Isaac's! Daniela's! I'm not in this for you or Britt and your constant drama. I am here to be the voice for these kids. I think it would be good for them to get away from this. The sun and sand...have some fun like we never did. Britt's family is huge...and you know Susan will take care of them."_

_"I said no, Quinn."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because they are MY kids and I want them with ME!" _

I didn't mean to yell.

I could feel people staring at me but it was the look on Isaac's face just before he began to cry that made me realize how I was acting.

Like a brat.

_"Let's go for a walk."_

Quinn had her old Cheerio bitch face on.

I had embarrassed her but she was trying to be understanding.

She was giving me an out.

And I took it.

* * *

_"So where are the kids?"_

I sat on the curb in front of Britt's house guzzling down my third cup of coffee.

I looked up and saw Britt standing there with her hands in her pockets.

She looked down at me with red rimmed eyes and a defeated posture.

_"With their godparents."_

_"Quinn and who?"_

_"Noah and Rachel."_

_"Since when?"_

_"Since Ian died...I asked Noah the day of the funeral...you were in California...remember?" _

_"I thought we were done with that." _

She shifted on her feet as her eyes teared up.

_"We are. Frankie has moved on and so did you. It's just a fact. You weren't here."_

_"Wow."_

_"Just the facts."_

_"Is there a reason that you have been sitting here?" _

_"I was trying to calm myself down before knocking on the door."_

_"Why? What's wrong?"_

_"Just forget it, B...I shouldn't have come here."_

I stood to my feet, one foot on the street, the other on the curb.

Britt looked at me in confusion and then shrugged and took a step back.

_"If that's what you need...I totally understand. I don't want to be a burden on you." _

_"Burden?" _

She nodded and then walked back towards her house without even looking over her shoulder at me.

Had we gone backwards?

What the fuck.

* * *

_"I wasn't expecting to see you again so soon...is everything alright?"_

_"No...things are falling apart. At least...that's what it feels like...it's like Britt and I make headway and then we go sliding backwards. I'm not sure how to deal with it."_

_"What do you mean by headway?"_

_"She had this big thing happen to her and she broke apart from it. She hasn't been sleeping and so last night...when she dropped Isaac off. I asked her if she wanted to stay the night. Don't look at me like that...there was absolutely no sex involved. I just held her. She asked me to hold her everynight...I told her that I was honored. I went to sleep feeling like we were getting back to the core of our love. Back to what made us so...epic. Then this morning...when I woke up...she was gone. No note...no text message...nothing. It's like she has this wall up in the daytime that I can't seem to penetrate."_

I sat forward and looked in my therapist's eyes...hoping that he could help me work through this.

_"You told me once that there were no walls between you and Brittany...but I don't think that's true. I think that you two are on opposite sides of a river and you keep shouting across it. Nothing can be solved that way. You both have to work on building a boat and meeting in the middle so you can sail side by side."_

_"I'm trying to build my boat."_

_"While sharing the tools to build the boat. You each need your own space and tools to build your separate boats. Am I making sense?"_

_"Yes...surprisingly."_

_"How much longer does she plan to be in town?"_

_"Another week."_

_"Is there a chance for the two of you to spend some time alone?"_

_"There is...but I'm not sure I want to take it."_

_"What is it?"_

_"My mother-in-law wants to take the kids to the beach with her for a week."_

_"Brittany's not going?"_

_"No...she wants to be home...in Lima, with me."_

_"Is your mother-in-law trustworthy?"_

_"Absolutely."_

_"Then I don't see the harm. Your kids can sense the tension between you and Brittany. Nothing is being fixed with the two of you barely speaking. Maybe this week in St. Mary's will be good for the two of you."_

_"I'm not sure...I thought it would be good for the four of us."_

_"But you aren't the family that you thought you were. This is a good chance to send her back to New York knowing that you two are in route to being a family again. The way things are now though...I'm not so sure."_

_"I don't want to be away from them."_

_"So how about you two send the kids and then meet up at the beach for the last few days before heading back? That way, Brittany can go straight to New York and you can come back here."_

_"So a compromise?"_

_"Yes. You said that you want your kids to form that bond with your in-laws separate of you and Brittany. This is a great opportunity to do just that, because once you are back in New York...who knows the next time that you will be back in Lima, right?"_

_"You have a point."_

* * *

Friday night, the rest of the gleeks are all congregating at Rachel's house to reenact the whole drunken night we had a few years back.

Rachel was of course excited to be able to experience it sober but thankfully wasn't forcing me to be there, especially after the crazy week, that I had.

So, I took a pass on the whole event.

I had just sent my kids off with Susan a few hours earlier and was trying and failing to enjoy the silence.

I missed them and my sore boobs missed the baby.

Susan was good about it though, she had called me every two hours since they got on the road and reassured me that they were fine even though I heard my baby crying in the background.

She missed my boobs.

My heart was aching and I was tempted to jump in the car and follow them but I stopped myself.

It was just until Thursday.

I had to make it six days.

Which seemed like an eternity.

But I was determined to relax.

Maybe a little too determined.

By eight, I had taken two bubble baths, eaten, showered, finished a book, started a new one and I even managed to catch an early N.A. meeting.

What now?

* * *

**_Bored yet?-Q_**

**_Are you spying on me?-San_**

**_If by spying...you mean sitting in the driveway looking at a dark house and wondering if you are dead in there...then yes.-Q_**

**_Why aren't you at the party?-San_**

**_It's lame without you.-Q_**

**_How is that even possible?-San_**

**_Fine...I admit it...you are the life of the party.-Q_**

**_I was...when I was drinking.-San_**

**_I refuse to believe that you can't still be the life of the party.-Q_**

**_Fine. Give me a min.-San_**

**_I know that you're already dressed.-Q_**

**_Fuck...fine.-San_**

**_That a girl! ;)-Q_**

* * *

The party was...not what I expected.

When I walked into the house, it was quiet.

I looked over at Quinn and she winked at me.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the basement door.

When she opened it, she stepped back so that I could go in front of her.

I looked down those stairs and felt a churning in my stomach.

When I saw stairs leading into a basement, I didn't think of our high school drunk fest when I was fighting to be in love with Trouty Mouth.

I didn't think about Britt all over Artie as she danced in her pink polka dot bra that I bought her.

I surprisingly thought of Marco but not from my birthday...the memory was from that summer.

I thought of a night spent being whipped by some guy that I was seeing, while I dangled from the ceiling by my hands with cuffs around my wrists as Marco watched.

Quinn touched me and I nodded before swallowing down the bile in my throat.

It had been two years...why now?

_"It's going to be okay, San."_ She whispered as she laced her fingers in mine and kissed my shoulder.

She had no idea what was going through my head but she knew my body language.

She knew that my mind wasn't here in the safety of Rachel's basement.

We reached the bottom of the stairs and she pulled me along but I couldn't focus on anything.

My mind was gone.

* * *

Rachel had enlisted Kurt's help obviously because the long table before us with catered food and nice place settings was fabulous.

Everyone was walking around the room, mingling and chatting as if we were at some upscale dinner party.

_"Santana!"_

I stopped in my tracks when I saw Mr. Schue walk towards me with open arms.

Was he going to hug me?

Oh God.

Seriously?

I survived the hug and listened to him ramble on and on about how much he was proud of me for stuff.

I smiled and nodded, not giving a rat's ass what he thought about anything.

Sure, most of the gleeks loved getting personal attention from our old glee coach but after the last few years...with him not really reaching out to me, I wanted him to foget my name.

I didn't really place much stock in what he had to say and the combo of his vest and hair made me nauseous.

Finn was his golden boy and I was okay with that.

When you have a drug problem, you want to stay under the radar as much as possible and that's what I had done my senior year.

But he didn't seem to care.

_"Thanks."_ I said before smiling and walking away.

I didn't have a destination, I just needed to get away from the fake smile and then hair.

It made me feel angry inside.

* * *

_"Okay! Thank you for coming to our reunion. Turns out that Principal Figgins is getting the school fumigated tonight and so we won't be able to join together tomorrow...so this is our condensed version. The night is not a pretentious as it looks. I'm just happy to see us together. With that said. Let's eat!"_

Rachel clapped her hands together and gestured towards the table.

I noticed how everyone kind of hesitated when they saw how laid back she had become.

When I walked over to the table, I noticed that there were place settings.

The old Rachel Berry was still in there.

I was going to be sitting on the opposite end of the table from Brittany, I would directly across from Rachel and right next Mercedes. I could live with that. Quinn was at our end of the table with Mike Chang and Noah. It was a good mix up...familiar but not too much like the old cliques.

I nodded my approval towards Rachel as I took my seat between Mercedes and Mike.

I am still amazed that Rachel and I have become so close, sometimes. I never thought that I would see a day when sitting across from her was better than sitting near Britt.

I was still really unsure about where we stood and what we meant and I didn't want tonight to be the time to figure that out. This was about Tina.

Even if she didn't know it yet.

* * *

The dinner, surprisingly wasn't awkward.

We laughed a lot!

Mercedes kept me wrapped up in talks of her album and how her manager liked my voice. She spent most of the hour trying to convince me to relocate to Los Angeles instead of moving back to New York.

Rachel backed me up when I told her that you can be a great musician from New York.

Mercedes finally agreed with me sometime around dessert.

By the time the guys were breaking down the tables and taking the dishes to the kitchen, I had set up a time to meet with Mercedes' manager and I convinced Quinn to rope Rachel into a singing competition for old times sake.

It wasn't hard.

So once things were cleaned up we all gathered back in the basement and allowed Mr. Schue to set the rules just for nostalgia's sake.

_"Okay, I was hoping that we could do this. I realized that those of you are attendance are split down the middle as far as where you now live. So how about East Coast versus West Coast."_

Everyone looked around in agreeance.

The east team was a shoe in. Me, Britt, Rachel, Quinn, Puck and Kurt, that was a dynamic team...if only we had Mercedes.

We took to opposite ends of the stage and put our heads together. Rachel actually let us take over and didn't get assertive about taking a solo.

She gave it to me and Kurt.

We belted out a classic!

Don't Speak by No Doubt.

It was fun but our goal wasn't really to win.

We wanted to let the other team win, because Mike and Tina were on it.

So we threw the competition and the West team had a mini victory, ending with Mike on one knee in front of Tina.

There were tears and sappiness and then sparkling cider.

* * *

I was really happy to be a part of the celebration but the moment that I was able to set foot out of the basement, I made a run for the furthest bathroom and proceeded to empty my stomach.

The taste of the bile and undigested food on my tongue made me vomit again and again until there was nothing left to choke out. I curled into a ball and rested my face against the cool tile of the floor. I could still smell the disinfectant from when it was cleaned last and it soothed my stomach a bit.

I had ventured all the way up to Rachel's private bathroom so I didn't expect anyone to hear me.

But as always...Britt has perfect timing.

I hadn't locked the door because I didn't expect to be followed.

I had just closed my eyes when I heard someone clear their throat.

I opened my eyes and looked up at Rachel and Quinn standing there looking down at me.

_"What?"_ I snapped.

_"How much of that was involuntary?"_ Quinn asked as she leaned over and flushed the toilet.

Something I hadn't gotten around to doing just yet.

_"Why?"_ I barked at her.

_"Quinn, honey, let me talk to her. Why don't you go continue seeing people out."_

_"Fine."_ she turned around and slammed the door behind her.

She was pissed.

I looked up at Rachel and tried to smile but she just turned towards the sink and began to run water.

I closed my eyes again knowing that she wasn't going to pester me like Quinn.

She would wait for me to speak on my own.

A cool cloth was pressed to my neck and then another wiped at my face.

_"It wasn't on purpose."_ I mumbled.

_"I know."_ She said quietly as she pulled at my arms and helped me to sit up.

_"You do?"_ I pressed my hands to my head and tried to quiet the pounding.

It was always like this, vomit and then a headache.

I hated it.

_"I saw your face when you first came into the basement. You were already looking nauseated. Then at dinner, you moved the food around your plate and barely ate but you drank a ton of water. You were sweating on stage and the moment that everyone started toasting, I watched you stagger up the stairs. I knew for a fact that you didn't drink any alcohol tonight. Yet you looked like you were going to be sick. Quinn noticed your face as you went up the steps around the same time that Brittany and I did."_

_"Britt saw me?"_ I raised my eyes and met Rachel's.

She looked sad.

_"Yea...she looked worried and insisted we follow you. Just in case you wanted to know."_

_"Where is she now?"_

_"She's cleaning up downstairs, she's waiting to take you home."_

_"Seriously?"_

_"Yea and it wasn't anyone's idea but hers."_

_"I guess she does care."_

_"I don't think she ever stopped."_

_"I know. It's just...I'm just not quite sure where we stand."_ I said as I used the wall to slowly stand to my feet.

I found some mouthwash and poured a cap full.

Rachel stood behind me as I got my bearings and then sat on the toilet lid and looked up at me with a curious look on her face.

_"What?"_ I asked before swishing the minty liquid around my mouth.

_"I know that you guys all hated me for breaking up with Quinn last year. I hated myself for a while but I knew that I was doing the right thing for us. I took that time away and made my own successes and failures. I worked on who I am and who I can no longer be. Now...our relationship is so much stronger because of it. You and Brittany never really took a break so you succeeded and failed together. It broke what was once so strong. Quinn and I talked over the last year but not everyday. Not all the time. She went off and dated and so did I. Now...that's out of our systems. What time have you and Britt had?"_

_"I know all of this Rachel...I know what needs to be done but with us...it's harder. We have kids together. I can't go off for a year to find myself, with us...distance just makes us grow more distant. We have to find a balance, we need to reconnect while still having space."_

_"I wish I could help. I wish that I could fix it."_

_"Yea...me too."_

* * *

_"I can't believe that I drove you all the way home and you didn't say a single word to me." _

Britt put the truck in park and then turned to look at me with red rimmed eyes.

She had been fighting back tears.

_"Just like you left this morning...without a word." _I muttered as I moved towards the door handle.

_"Is that why you have been acting like this all day?"_ I hesitated and looked back towards her in confusion.

I had been nothing but nice to her...hadn't I?

_"Like what?"_

_"Distant...angry." _

I shrugged my shoulders and slumped back against the seat because now she looked really sad.

_"Why couldn't you at least wait until I woke up, Britt?" _

I had my arms crossed over my chest and was trying my best not to look her in the eyes, instead I focused on the little hula girl that I had glued to her dashboard as a truck warming present when she first got her license.

_"I don't know, Ana...it's just that...last night was so perfect. Waking up in your arms this morning made me realize where I want to be in the future when we are both ready to try again. I guess I was just afraid that you would regret it...I didn't want to be rejected."_

_"Neither did I." _

_"I'm sorry...I get that now. Please, let me make it up to you?"_

_"Honestly, Brittany...it opened my eyes to some things about our relationship and I'm not sure I want you to make it up to me." _

I finally raised my head and looked her in the eyes.

I didn't like what I saw.

She looked like I had sold her cat and broken her legs.

She had moved past sad and looked angry.

"_What does that even mean, Santana?" _

I cringed when I heard the tone in her voice.

_"It means that...look...can we go inside...I don't want to talk about this out here." _

I went to open the door but was stopped by the sound of her slamming her hands against the steering wheel and grumbling.

_"No. I am not going in that house with you only for you to put me out. So either we talk right here and now...or I can just get on the road and follow my parents to New Jersey. I have too much on my plate to play games with you!" _

I looked at her in shock.

This was new.

She was looking at me with an expression that I had never seen before.

It wasn't angry, sad, or sweet.

This look conveyed her frustration but it had this seriousness to it that chilled me to my bones.

She was beyond her violent stage, thankfully but was this any better?

Brittany had learned to channel her rage into words and was looking at me...well through me and waiting for me to respond.

But I was dumbstruck.

_"Um." _

I was spacing.

I couldn't seem to get my thoughts together.

_"Um? Really? Our relationship...our marriage...our freaking future hangs in the balance and that's all you can say to me?" _

Now her eyes had a new disparity to them.

She was at the end of her rope and was asking for my hand.

Get it together Lopez.

* * *

_"I think we need to take this space thing seriously, Britt. You being in Lima with me...it's not helping me to grow. I know that you need me right now to be your best friend because what happened to you sucks...I just need you to draw the line...we need to draw a line because my body and my heart don't understand space and breaks. You are in my soul and under my skin. Our connection goes so deep that I feel like if I don't step back I will get lost right back in...this...us. I don't know if I'm ready."_

_"So your promise to me last night? To hold me?" _

Her face had dropped and now she had tears collecting in her eyes as her hands went involuntarily to her stomach.

_"I want to keep it...I just...I'm afraid." _I admitted.

_"Of me?"_

_"No...yes...not physically. I'm afraid that...something will happen...that you will go running back to Grady or someone else to fill that emptiness that you're always feeling."_

_"You don't know me at all...do you?" _She shrieked.

I did a double take because up until now...I couldn't think of anyone that knew Brittany like I did.

Like I had.

_"I know you...I always have!" _I said in a shaking voice.

_"I'm done with the games...Grady...I don't even know how that happened. Frankie and Rachel, mistakes and Quinn...God...I was so stupid to go there. Now...right now...the only person that can fill this emptiness is you. I could have stayed with Grady...I could of had this baby...but he told me that as long as my heart was still with you...that he wouldn't be apart of it. He convinced me that you didn't want me...that you wouldn't want this baby. He pointed out things about you and me that I hadn't seen before. How I sacrificed so much to be with you...to stay with you. He tried so hard to taint you in my eyes but guess what...here I am still. Trying so fucking hard to be here for you and with you. Last night when I heard about you finding all that coke...my first concern was you. I want to be with you more than anything. I want you to be my wife...I want to spend the rest of my life proving to you that we may not think we deserve love but that we have it anyway. We are both damaged...broken and no matter what, I just want you. I left this morning because you asked for this space and I was respecting it. Maybe I didn't do it right...but I came back...you were gone. I am still learning. I am trying to make things right. I want to make us right...but I can't do it alone. I love you more than my life! How else do you want me to say it?!"_

She had her head against the steering wheel as she looked at me desperately.

_"Let's go to bed, B."_

I had hoped just that sentence and me holding my hand out to her would show her what I felt but she just sat up and turned the key in the ignition.

_"Get out." _she said softly._ "Please."_

_"But, Britt."_

_"No...I just spilled my soul to you...I told you I didn't want to go in the house only to be put out. I don't know where you stand. I can't go in there like this!" _she shrieked again.

_"I-I want the same things."_

_"Are you sure?" H_er hand still trembled as she held the key in the ignition.

_"Um." _She revved the engine and all of a sudden my mind cleared._ "Yes...please...this week...we will focus on us...I promise that by the time you go back to New York...we will know exactly where we stand. I swear." _I said as I gently placed a hand on her thigh and slid closer to her.

_"Ok." _she whispered as she turned the truck off and then leaned on my shoulder._ "Will you still hold me tonight?"_

_"Absolutely."_

* * *

We showered separately and then climbed into bed at the same time.

I clicked the lamp off and then crawled towards the middle of the bed until I could feel her shockingly cold skin against mine.

The moonlight was streaming brightly through the window casting a pale light across the bed. Her blue eyes twinkled as she looked at me with wet eyes and fresh tears.

I slid down next to her and then pulled the sheet around our bodies. Usually at this point one of us would turn our backs so that we could spoon but she remained facing me.

I knew she wanted me to hold her so I didn't turn my back.

Instead I just laid against her on my side and looked into her eyes.

We never laid like this...usually this was something that I only did with Q but even that wasn't usual anymore.

Not after that night.

Our noses grazed and I could feel her short, warm breaths touch my lips.

_"Can I kiss you?"_ I whispered softly.

_"Do you want to?"_ She raised her eyebrows and but never smiled.

It was unnerving.

_"I do."_ I said as I brought a hand up and rested it on her arm.

I could immediately feel her goosebumps.

_"Just a kiss...right?"_ She asked as she moved impossibly closer.

_"Just a kiss."_ I said as I leaned in and lingered just short of her lips.

_"To feel connected?"_ She mumbled with her eyes staring straight into mine.

_"Yes."_ I said as I finally closed the small gap and pressed my lips to hers.

It was soft and warm...but shockingly unfamiliar.

This was a new woman in front of me.

Our past didn't exist anymore...we weren't those same school girls.

We were women now.

* * *

Britt kissed me back fiercely, I could feel everything in that moment.

We pulled back, when I heard footsteps in the hallway outside my door.

_"Goodnight, ladies."_

Mami said with a chuckle in her voice.

_"Goodnight, Gladys."_ And just for a moment, the old Brittany was back as she yelled out to my mom through the door. Then she looked at me with a small smirk. _"In the morning...when we wake up...we hit the ground running. Okay?"_

She looked like she was plotting something.

_"What are you thinking?"_ I asked as I wrapped both arms around her and pulled her as close as she could get.

She leaned on her elbow and looked at me with a small smile still playing on her lips.

_"Tomorrow...we start to figure out who we are as individuals and as friends. So...Santana Lopez...will you go on a date with me?"_

_"When?"_

_"All day."_

_"We haven't done that since..."_

I closed my eyes and tried to remember.

_"It doesn't matter...just...from now on lets live in the present. So will you?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good."_ She dropped a quick peck on my lips and then the tip of my nose before promptly turning over and backing up against me. _"We're going to get this right, Ana."_

I leaned in and kissed her neck but didn't speak a word in response.

* * *

There was nothing left to say.

From here on out it was about actions.

No more games.

We were in this together.

I held her that night and long after she fell asleep, I remained awake.

There was a feeling inside of me that was trying to claw its way out.

I had packed away all my feelings about Britt, deep in my heart and now I could feel them...slowly beginning to simmer.

I clamped down on them...because I knew that love can blind you and I didn't want it to get in the way.

We were trying to start fresh and I was afraid if I let my old feelings crest to the surface, and they might not all be good ones.

I had to see this like rehab.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

And hopefully...one kiss at a time.

* * *

**A/N: Review! Thanks!**


	12. Chapter 12:I'll Be Waiting

_**A/N: Stories evolve...and with them...their writers too. The first story was totally meant to be in Santana's POV and the second story was amazing in multiple POVs...now I realize that in order to get where I want this story to go...I have let Brittany open up and give us her new insight on life. If you have stuck with me thus far, then you know that everything I do has a purpose...so let's keep the faith! **_

_**Thanks for your reviews and your adds...each one...is intrigal to keep this story alive.**_

_**This chapter may be trigger heavy for some...proceed with caution. **_

_**-A**_

* * *

**Chapter 12: I'll Be Waiting (Adele)**

* * *

**_I clamped down on them...because I knew that love can blind you and I didn't want it to get in the way._**

**_We were trying to start fresh and I was afraid if I let my old feelings crest to the surface, that they might not all be good ones._**

**_I had to see this like rehab._**

**_One step at a time, one day at a time._**

**_And hopefully...one kiss at a time._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My heart has been so cold for days...weeks...I'm not even sure just how long anymore.

I keep reaching for that happiness that got me through high school and helped me to stay positive through everything.

My well had dried and there didn't seem to be any way to replenish it.

I had tried so hard to pull myself up and push myself but Ana always has this way to break past all that.

My actions, my words had made her look so lost and so small as we sat in that truck.

I was giving her everything that I had...the truths that I was sure of.

And that's not much these days.

She is my future but for all I know...it could be like far in the future.

I just know that she is the best friend that I ever had, she has been my protector and my comfort and I have never needed her more than right now.

All that I'm certain that I can be for her is just...better.

I had been terrible to her.

Those days that I spent alone in my office had been days full of reflection.

I took a step back and looked at my life and I definitely didn't like what I saw.

Who had I become?

What did I look like in her eyes?

All I know is that the way she looks at me isn't the same...and I'll do anything to get that look back.

* * *

I managed to get about four hours of sleep which was a huge improvement over what I had been getting when I wasn't being held in her arms.

After knowing that my leaving had set us back...I was afraid to move even though I had to pee.

_"Go to the bathroom, B...you're squirming."_ She mumbled against my neck.

I guess she does still know some things about me.

_"Are you sure?"_ I asked...which looking back, was silly because she was holding me and not the other way around.

_"Go...I'll be right here when you get back."_ She lifted her arm and then I felt her shift.

I sat up and saw that she was sitting up as well.

She rubbed her chest and looked at me in discomfort.

_"You want me to get your pump?" _

_"No...I'll get it...go pee."_ She smiled and then climbed out of the bed and walked out of the room.

I felt so relieved as I sat in the bathroom and collected my thoughts.

The clock on the wall told me that it was just past four in the morning.

I was wide awake.

* * *

When I returned to the room, she still wasn't back so I headed towards the nursery. She was sitting in the glider as the machine did it's job. She was completely topless and was staring out the window, trapped in her own thoughts.

I didn't want to bother her...but I didn't really want to be alone either.

So I just lingered in the doorway until the machine buzzed.

She quietly cleaned up and put the new milk bottles in the little mini fridge.

Apparently, she was really trapped in her head because when she turned around and saw me standing there, she flinched and dropped her eyes.

_"How long were you standing there?"_

_"Not long...just came to check on you." _

She quickly put her shirt back on and then walked towards me and held out her pinky.

"_Ready to go back to bed?"_

_"Actually...I'm not really tired...are you?"_

She had always been the grumpiest person in the mornings but ever since the early morning feedings and runs she was slowly morphing into a morning person.

_"Nope...I just...I'm excited to start our day."_ she said as she held my pinky in her hers.

She didn't move though.

She wasn't trying to lead me anywhere. She just stood there and looked up at me with hopeful eyes.

_"Want to go for a run?"_ I asked as I pulled her towards the door.

_"Do you mind if we just walk?"_ she looked at me nervously.

_"That sounds good...let's get ready then."_

* * *

Is car trouble a bad sign?

My truck died and when Mr. Hummel came to tow it he said that it probably was on it's last leg.

Ana was a good sport about it...she simply went back into the house and then we headed to the garage and took her dad's old car.

She even let me drive.

He was probably rolling in his grave but she seemed to get a thrill out of seeing me drive the car.

She kept shooting me looks and smirks as we headed towards the Lima Bean for coffee.

I parked with her watching me closely and when I parallel parked with ease she breathed out a sigh of relief.

We had been living in New York for a year now, so parking in Lima was something I was sure I could do with my eyes closed...not that I was going to attempt it.

That would be insane...even for me.

_"Welcome to the Lima Bean!"_

Ana's head shot up when she saw the person on the other side of the register.

_"Karofsky?"_ she said as she got up to the counter.

_"Hi ladies!"_ he said in a really chipper, fake voice.

_"How are you?"_ I asked as Ana stared up at the menu behind him with disinterest.

She seemed totally annoyed by his presence and I wasn't quite sure why.

_"I'm good...home for the summer and needed to keep my hands busy."_

Ana scoffed but still pretended to be ignoring the conversation.

_"That's always a good thing...I'll have a grande hot chocolate and Santana will have a...bottle of water and a grande soy caramel latte."_

He nodded as he scribbled our orders onto two cups and then handed them to the barista before he came back and punched in the amount.

_"Anything else for you ladies?"_

He looked like he was actively trying to smile at Ana but she was now hovering over the display area and ignoring him.

_"Ana? Do you want anything else?"_ She looked at me and then shook her head before reaching forward and grabbing her water from the counter top.

_"That will be $13.87."_

Ana pulled a twenty out of her bra and put it on the counter.

_"Keep the change...I'm sure you need it."_ Ana said in a cold voice before walking over to the barista and striking up a cheerful conversation.

That wasn't very nice.

She had never flaunted her money in anyone's face...what had changed?

When I looked up at Dave, I could see that his ears were red and he looked completely embarrassed.

I smiled the best that I could.

And here I thought that her bullying days were over.

_"Thank you very much!"_ I said before turning and walking towards Ana who was obviously flirting with the hot barista.

What the hell was going on?

* * *

Ana smiled at me as she handed me my hot chocolate.

Was she hoping for a certain reaction?

Was she testing me?

_"Do you want to stay here or go straight to the park?"_ I asked.

_"Anywhere but here...please?"_ She said as she walked ahead of me.

We definitely needed to talk about this.

I spent way too much time in high school ignoring the things that she done and the way that she had treated people.

She was a mother now, she couldn't act like that anymore.

Not if we were going to be together again.

* * *

We walked across the road side by side, but I kept my mouth shut.

Ana is a complex person at times but once you get to know her, she's always the same on the most basic levels.

If I asked her to explain herself, before she was walking the trail and relaxed, she would snap at me.

I was so not in the mood to be snapped at so I waited.

Once we crossed into the park, I linked pinkies with her and pulled her down to the pond where the ducks were.

I led us to our old bench at the furthest end of the lake near the walking trail and I sat down.

She plopped down beside me and before I could even say a word...she surprised me.

_"I'm sorry that I was such a bitch back there. I didn't even realize that I still held such a heavy resentment towards Karofsky until I saw his stupid smiling face."_

_"Wow." _

She looked at me but I didn't look back at her.

I kept my eyes forward as I watched a duck family swim across the lake all in a row.

She was really getting under my skin with comments like that.

So watching the ducks calmed me, it was the most peaceful thing that I knew.

It's what I missed the most when I was in the busy streets of the city.

She sighed and then took a huge gulp of her coffee before she spoke again.

_"I slept with him...back when you were with Artie...back before he was out. Later, when he found out that I had been an escort and that I was having a baby...I still haven't figured out how...he harassed the shit out of Ian. He kept telling him how he was having a baby with a whore. He did it all the way up until Ian killed himself...I had thought that I put a stop to it but Tor told me that he was constantly calling Ian...that he even approached her a few times. He told her...about me. About everything, he told her that I was a money hungry slut. I...it's just...that was me trying not to curse him out...that was me trying to take the high road. He...he's angry because he couldn't fake being straight...like I could...he told Tor that I used Ian and that I didn't give a shit about him. He called my kids bastards. How can I forgive that?"_

I scooted closer and just wrapped an arm around her.

_"I don't think you have to."_ I said before leaning in and kissing her temple.

We didn't need anymore words in that moment.

She explained herself and even though I was kind of annoyed that she had acted that way, she had a reason and I couldn't be angry with her for it.

For her, that had been nice considering how he had been.

* * *

We quietly walked the trail but for the first time, we weren't actually touching each other.

I think touching was too much right now...we were easing back into things, still.

As we neared the end of the trail, we reached a small gorge that overlooked another level of the woods. I stopped and stood near the edge, not really nervous since the drop was only about four feet.

I could feel her stop right next to me and then lean against my shoulder.

_"Are you mad at me?"_ She said after a few more moments of silence.

_"No...I just wish...that you had told me about it."_

_"I just did...without being asked. When have you known me to offer up explanations...truthful ones without being asked?"_

_"I know...that's why I'm not mad. It's just...there is still so much that I don't know about what you went through...there is so much that I don't understand about you. I want to know you better. I want us to have that link between us, where I could read you. There's a wall though...there's miles between us even with you standing right next to me."_

_"I know. I want it to be better, Britt Britt."_

_"I want you to love me again."_

_"I do love you."_

_"You love who I was...but I don't think you can even begin to say you love me as I am now. I don't think you really knew me even back then. You didn't even know I was on medication and we had been dating for a year."_

_"That still shocks me."_ She said as she kicked at the ground in front of her.

_"I used to be really good at keeping my secrets, almost as good as you. Now though...I'm starting to realize that the secrets that we kept...that we still keep are poisoning our relationship. I think in order for us to trust each other we need to lay it all out...everything."_

_"Everything?"_ her voice got small and tight as she shifted on her feet and wrapped her arms around her chest.

_"Everything and just so that you can be comfortable...I can go first. I can open up to you. Tell you the stuff that I have always kept to myself...what do you think?"_

I turned to look towards her and saw that she was actually biting her lip.

It made me smile because I always knew that she did it in private but not in front of people.

She didn't like to appear nervous.

_"How about truth for truth?"_ She finally said as she shifted her eyes to meet mine.

Her walls were completely down, she was completely open to me in that moment and I was so grateful for it.

_"Are you sure you can handle that?"_

She sighed and sucked in a shaky breath and then shook her head.

_"No but I can't wait until I'm ready. I need to open up...I know that. Rehab showed me how...and before I found out about Grady...I was ready to do that with you."_

I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath as I pressed a hand to my empty stomach.

My baby was gone.

It hurt more than just me...I could see the pain in her eyes as she glanced towards my stomach and then back up at me.

She brought a hand to my face and the other she placed under my shirt against my stomach.

Her warm hand touched me where my bump had been and I suppressed the urge to cry out.

Grady's words were coming back to me and I was trying to swallow them back.

_"Talk to me, B."_

I shook my head and just looked away as she caressed my face.

_"I can't...not about...not yet."_ I said as I looked back at her.

Her eyes stayed warm as she nodded and gave me small smile.

_"Can I kiss you?"_ she asked me.

I leaned down and kissed her this time around.

It was like in that small, quick kiss she was transferring all of her calm.

The kiss calmed an ache in my soul and made my body feel warmer.

I had been carrying a cold in my bones since that day at the clinic.

No matter what I did, it never left me.

Only when Ana touched me.

* * *

On the walk back towards the park, we had our pinkies linked.

_"So how about Daniela...isn't she getting so big?"_ Ana said quietly as she broke our silence.

_"She's just such a ball of happy. I can't believe all that blonde hair she has. It's kind of insane how she looks like me. You know what else, I put her down on the floor in the dance studio and before I could blink she had crawled all the way to the other side of the room."_

_"She's been pulling herself up in the crib too."_

_"I can't believe how quickly time is flying by. I mean...it seems like she was just born and now she's seven months old and don't even get me started on Izzy."_

_"Our son is a handful...I don't know how you calm him down with the jealousy...you have to teach me before you go back to New York."_

_"I don't know what it is...he's just mad because he wants all of our attention and Dani is hogging it."_

_"Tell me about it! I was in bed, breastfeeding and he was sitting next to me playing with his keys...then the next thing I knew he was grabbing at my other boob. I froze...thankfully Mami walked in and called his name. Otherwise...I don't know how I would have turned him down."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yea...I mean have you seen his teeth? I was going to ask the doctor if I could maybe put it in his cup or something...I don't know if that would make a difference."_

_"That's...wow."_

She was blushing as we walked out into the park.

_"Hey, B?"_

She stopped us and looked up into my eyes.

_"Yea?"_

_"Are you hungry?"_

_"Starving."_ I said as I looked at her with a smile on my face.

_"We Lime?" _

_"Pancakes!"_ I said excitedly.

It had been awhile since I had allowed myself to get this happy about anything...I think Ana brings it out of me with that smile of hers.

We were definitely making progress.

* * *

We walked slowly back across the road, pinkies linked and my mind going in circles.

It was definitely going to be tough being completely open with Ana but I knew that we needed this.

That I needed this.

We climbed back in the car and a chill ran through me.

Exactly what I had been hoping to avoid...just for today.

I was suddenly really tired and was glad that the drive to We Lime was not that far.

So I eased up on the gas and focused on driving without making Ana worry.

I could feel her eyes on me and so I focused even harder on the road.

I completely surprised myself when we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant in one piece.

When I turned off the car and then sat back against the seat, I realized just how blurry my vision was. I just needed to swallow back the nausea and make it to the table.

Focus Lopez.

_"Britt Britt?"_

I turned my head towards the sound of her voice and saw that she was standing with my door open and her hand out.

_"How'd you move so fast?"_ I said as a lazy smile crossed my face.

_"Come on...if we don't get some food in you...I'm scared that you might pass out."_

I took a deep breath and pushed myself to stand up.

The world was spinning but I just allowed Ana to lightly pull me along.

I could feel the worry coming from her in waves.

I don't remember walking into the restaurant or sitting down in a booth across from the prettiest woman in the world but it happened.

Somehow.

* * *

_"B?"_

My head shot up and I saw a really deep concern written all over Ana's face.

_"Yea?"_ I said as I looked back down at my menu trying to concentrate.

She reached across the table and covered my hand with hers.

She didn't even look around to see if people were watching.

She had definitely come a long way.

New York had been good for her.

_"You don't look so good...do you want to just go back to the house?"_

I looked into her eyes and could see wrinkles etching themselves on her face.

_"No. I'm fine. Just a little dizzy...I just need to eat something." _

I tried to reassure her but it wasn't working.

_"Are you sure?"_

_No._ I wanted to say but I was being stubborn.

_"Yea...here comes the waitress. Too late to back out now."_

I flashed the waitress a smile and before she could introduce herself, I was ordering a huge stack of pancakes and some orange juice.

Once the perky waitress left us alone again, Ana had returned to staring at me.

_"You took those pills that I got filled for you, right? All of them?"_

I looked at her dumbstruck.

Was I that obvious.

At least I could be honest.

* * *

_"Yes. I took the antibiotics."_

_"Have you seen a doctor yet?"_

She wasn't going to let this go.

Years as a doctor's daughter had made her keen to sickness.

It's why her father had always said she would be a good doctor.

_"I'm supposed to go this week. I just haven't made an appointment yet."_

My pancakes came just in time because I effectively ended the conversation by stuffing my mouth.

Ana nodded and excused herself from the table. If I had to bet on it she was calling Dr. J.

She wasn't as sneaky as she thought she was.

I continued to eat my food and ignore my body screaming at me.

I didn't deserve to forget what I had done, so the pain and the ache would remain.

I didn't want to numb it.

_"B?"_

I closed my eyes for just a second but that had been all that was necessary.

I had fallen asleep.

* * *

I lifted my head and saw her standing at the end of my bench.

_"Come on...I'm taking you to the hospital."_

I looked at her in confusion.

We were supposed to be eating breakfast.

_"No."_ I mumbled as I tried and failed to pick up my fork.

I was shaking badly.

I had been trying to avoid her seeing me like this.

It was always like this in the daytime.

I got weak and tired.

It's why I left so suddenly the morning before.

I didn't want her to see me like this.

_"I'm really worried B. I'll call an ambulance if I have to...you don't want that do you?"_

She now had a hand on my arm.

I looked at her and numbly shook my head.

I hated ambulances. They gave me the creeps.

Ana threw money on the table and asked the waitress to wrap our food while she took me to the car.

She wrapped an arm around my waist and allowed me to lean against her.

Boy was I ever grateful for that because the moment that I was on my feet, my knees buckled.

Ana was calm and collected as she got me out the door and strapped into the car.

She had just closed my door when the waitress came out with our food.

_"Keep me updated, Santana. Feel better Brittany."_

I smiled and then closed my eyes.

I felt like a heater was on my face but my teeth were chattering as I tried like hell to open my eyes.

_"Do we know that girl?"_ I finally asked.

_"Sugar Motta...She was a freshman Cheerio our senior year."_

_"Oh."_

I closed my eyes after that and didn't wake back up for a while.

It was the best sleep that I had gotten in months.

* * *

Waking up in the same exact position you were in when you had an abortion is never a good thing.

The moment that I realized that I was flat on my back with my knees open and my legs angled on those fucking foot things...I began to freak out.

_"Shhh...it's okay...shhh...I'm here, B."_

Ana's hand touched my forehead as she came into my line of vision.

She had her arm wrapped over my stomach and was holding me still.

I looked up at her and wanted to scream but the tears were blocking my throat.

_"What's...what's happening?"_ I whispered finally.

_"You're just getting checked out...I'm here. Just relax. _

_The doctor will be in here any second. _

_Can you be brave for me...Britt Britt?"_

I looked at her and shook my head.

_"No...I need to get up."_ I tried to sit up on my elbows but she pressed a firm hand on my chest so that I was laying flat again.

_"You passed out in the car. You started...bleeding, Brittany. Tell me the truth...did you take the antibiotics?"_ She didn't look angry, just concerned.

_"I did...for the first few days...then I spilled them...and...well...I was too embarrassed to go back to the pharmacy."_ I admitted.

She sucked in a breath and then rubbed at her forehead before dropping her hand down again.

_"No more lies...okay."_ She said as she rubbed my stomach lightly.

My whole body was focused on that touch on my bare skin.

How was it possible for her to scold me and soothe me all at once?

* * *

Ana had managed to calm me down but that was until there was someone in the room with us.

The women looked at me with pity and it made me angry.

Fuck...I forgot my medicine.

When was the last time that I took it?

Mom had made me take it...how long ago was that?

Ana still held me as the doctor worked down between my legs and then when the doctor decided to press on my stomach, Ana still kept a hand pressed against my skin as I whimpered.

She refused to move to far from me and honestly, it was the only thing that kept me grounded.

The doctor finally finished her exam, she lowered my feet, then told me to leave the gown on and that she would be right back.

When we were alone again, Ana helped me to sit up and fluffed pillows behind me.

She was delicate and sweet.

Like the old Santana.

It made my head hurt.

I watched quietly as she pulled the chair over so that she was sitting against the bed and then she held my hand in both of hers and kept dropping kisses on my fingers.

_"You really worried me, B."_ she said as she looked at me with a scrunched up face.

_"I'm fine."_

_"No...you're not fine. You have gone way too long ignoring yourself. Your mental health and now your physical health. You're sick."_

_"No."_

_"Tell me that you aren't in pain...tell me that you feel perfectly normal."_

_"I can't."_ I finally admitted.

_"Let me take care of you, then. For so long you have taken care of me...let me take care of you."_ She said quietly before kissing my hand again.

* * *

People have always talked about how guarded Ana is but in all reality...she's not as guarded as I am.

She has helped me to protect my secrets and has allowed me to live in my own reality for so long.

Too long.

But now she was asking me to let her into my world.

Isn't this what I wanted?

Her to love me again?'

To reconnect?

I was staring at her trying my best to allow my guard down when not one but three doctors walked into the room.

All of them had mixed expressions as they approached the bed.

One of them was the doctor who had just looked at me, the other I had never seen before, but the third...the one that looked the most distressed was Dr. J.

Ana sat up and looked at them in fear.

If she was afraid...I should be too...right?

I looked over to the doctors and then I felt Ana kissing my hand again.

* * *

_"What is it?"_ I finally asked as I pulled my hand into my lap.

I couldn't focus with Ana holding onto me so tightly.

_"You have a bad infection...it's gotten into your blood. If you hadn't come in today...you wouldn't have made it more than a few more days."_ Dr. J said as he walked around the bed and shined a light into my eyes._ "We are going to keep you overnight for observation and we are going to put you on an antibiotic drip. We are also going to have to isolate you...just for the night. Santana can stay."_

I looked up at Dr. J and smiled the best that I could.

This was all so confusing.

_"I'm going to be okay...right?"_

_"Lets...get some meds in you and then we will talk about how bad this is. I'm going to get your paperwork ready to get you admitted. It's very important that you are honest from here on out...any pains that you might have...you page a nurse immediately. Santana...if she gets faint, passes out...you page me directly. Okay?"_

How had we ended up like this?

It was supposed to be a fun day.

I sat patiently as I got hooked up to an IV and while Ana brushed my hair up into a ponytail.

She looked really anxious but she didn't say anything to even scold me just a small amount.

Instead she kept making sure that I was comfortable.

* * *

_"I'm sorry that our date got ruined."_ I said after I was transported to my own room next to the ICU.

_"It wasn't ruined...we are still together...right?"_

_"Are you mad, though?"_

_"No...I'm just worried about you Britt Britt."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I love you." _

The words were effortless for her.

Even after everything that Grady had said.

Ana still loved me.

How could I ever doubt that?

* * *

**_A/N: Let me know what you think...just be gentle ;) _**


	13. Chapter 13:Thinking Of You

_**A/N: Sticking with Brittany for another chapter. Hope you don't mind! :) Serious triggers...Proceed with a shit load of caution...Seriously! :/**_

* * *

**Chapter 13: Thinking Of You (Katy Perry)**

* * *

_**The words were effortless for her.**_

_**Even after everything that Grady had said.**_

_**Ana still loved me.**_

_**How could I ever doubt that?**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Hey are you crying?"_

I lifted my head up and looked down into the front row.

Tony's new male lead was sitting there looking concerned, I hadn't met him yet.

I had just dropped off Ana at the rehab center and had taken a full week off from the play to get the kids situated.

This was supposed to be my first day back and I had started it alone in an empty theater dancing through my problems.

It hadn't worked.

I was ashamed to be found this way but he didn't flinch as he walked towards the stage and rested a warm hand on my arm.

_"Are you okay?"_ he asked.

I looked up into his dark eyes and thought of Ana...I wasn't okay.

_"I'm just having a rough morning."_ I said as I jumped down from the stage. _"I'm better now though, thanks."_

_"Good...I'm Grady by the way."_

_"Nice to meet you...I'm Brittany Lopez...lead female choreographer."_

_"Wow...you're kind of hot."_ he said as he looked me up and down.

_"Kind of?"_

I laughed for the first time in days.

It felt good and it made me feel guilty.

_"Well...I saw that ring on your finger so I can't really tell you what I really think, can I?"_ He winked at me and flashed an intoxicating smile.

Warmth flushed through me.

I hadn't felt like this towards a guy since Finn.

And even with Finn I think I was just bored.

_"You can tell me whatever you want...but if you think I'm hot...you should see my wife."_

His face went pale and his jaw hung open.

I rolled my eyes and pulled out my phone and showed him a picture of Ana and then a picture of the kids.

_"Wow. So two hotties...nice."_ he said as he threw and arm over my shoulder as if we had been best friends.

_"She's pretty amazing."_

_"Does she dance too?"_

_"She's a singer more than anything else actually." _

_"Wow...hot and she can sing. Don't fall asleep at the wheel...I may steal her. I have always wanted myself a fiery latina."_

I laughed as we walked towards the back offices.

_"You have a better shot at me...she's totally a lesbian...I'm the bicurious one."_

I still regret saying that to him because from that moment on...he accepted that as a challenge.

* * *

_"So that's how you met him?"_

I had been wrapped up in my memories as we laid in the dark that night and I told Ana about the day that I first met Grady.

_"Yea...I regret it to."_

_"Did you ever love him?" _

She tightened her arm around my waist as I leaned against her shoulder.

_"I did...he treated me like a princess."_

_"Until that day?"_

_"Even then...he was so kind in a weird way."_

_"But you said that he said bad things."_

I looked up in her confused eyes and nodded.

_"He did...it was like he would say them sweetly. Like once...we were in bed...in his apartment and we had just finished...you know..."_ I watched her take a deep breath and then nod with a small smile on her face._ "I don't have to tell you this stuff, if it makes you uncomfortable."_ I said as I pulled away a bit.

She pulled me against her again.

_"No. I want you to talk to me about this. I don't want you to hold anything back because of how it makes me feel. I want to know everything...please?"_

The look in her eyes was genuine.

I believed her.

_"Are you sure?"_ I asked as I leaned into her warmth.

I was still insanely cold.

She pulled a second blanket around us and then kissed my temple.

_"Talk to me, B."_

I sighed and closed my eyes as I thought back to the story.

_"Anyway...we were in bed and he says to me in the sweetest voice that...he could make me a real mother...that Izzy and Dani are your kids and I will never be their real mother. Just you can be that. He told me how the kids looked more like you and not much like me except their eyes. He told me that they would never love me as much as they love you. He said it so sweet though...he was always sneaking in things like that...things that when I look back on them were really mean and hurtful."_

_"I bet."_

_"I know though...I know now...that he was so wrong. I see the love that Izzy has for me when he looks at me and Dani's eyes light up when I dance around with her. Mom told me that he was just trying to get me wrapped in his web...you know like he was a mean spider."_

Ana nodded and squeezed me a little tighter.

_"I'm sorry that you had to go through that, Britt Britt."_

_"Are you angry?"_

_"I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment. My head is everywhere. I just wish I had known about all this stuff...but I was out of touch and then when you tried to talk to me that first time...I was so heartbroken that I couldn't see that you were trapped with this guy. I understand that so much...that was how it was with Marco...he had such a crazy hold over me...the difference though was that he was forceful and violent. It may have been easier for me because all that violence and all that pain kept me from falling for him...but Grady, got under your skin deeper than Marco ever did with me. At least you didn't pick up any bad habits...like cocaine."_

I went pale as I looked at her.

I hoped that she didn't notice.

_"I'm sorry that I let him into my heart...it hurts so bad and now...now I did something that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life."_

_"What bad habit did you pick up?" _She raised her eyebrow and I sucked in a deep breath.

_"I've been smoking." _I said quietly.

_"Cigarettes? I didn't smell that on you." _

She pulled back and looked down at my hand and brought my fingers to her nose.

She wouldn't smell anything...I hadn't smoked since the afternoon before with Finn.

_"No...weed."_

She looked at me and then just nodded.

_"That's where you have been when you slip off? You've been at Puck's haven't you?"_

_"No...he's done with that now that he has Beth...no...I was with Finn."_

The look on her face told me that I had just set us back a whole hell of a lot.

_"Finn?"_

_"I know that it's stupid...it's just that I know that Finn won't hurt me like Grady did. He is way too afraid of you to even cross that line again."_

_"It's not about Finn...it's more about the fact that I'm here in Lima, with you, B...I have been and I will continue to be. I don't want you to turn to drugs or any other stimulant that's going to have you spaced and dumb like that ogre." _

She was furious.

_"You've never had a problem with people smoking weed."_

_"I was young and stupid. You though...you dance for a living...you need your lungs...you need to be able to move and not be tripping all over yourself. You are just masking an even bigger issue. You have to deal with things, Britt Britt."_

_"Easy for you to say, Ana. You have had two years to deal with things...I don't get that kind of time. I always have to be on my game. I always have to be prepared for something to go wrong with you or the kids and now the show. When do I get the chance to sit back and breathe?"_

_"Right now." _

I looked at her waiting for the next part of her sentence but it never came.

She stood from the bed and kicked off her shoes and then slid off her shorts before climbing back in the bed and snuggling against my side.

_"Now?"_

_"Yes...this is God...making you relax...making me see that you need to be taken care of just as much as I do. Maybe more so. I'm here now, Britt Britt."_

_"Why?"_

_"Why not?" _She whispered against my face as she kissed my temple and then pulled my head to rest against her chest.

Sleep came fast after that.

How does she always know what I need?

* * *

When Ana cries...it's never quiet.

She sobs loudly and when she sobs her whole body shakes.

That's why when I woke up in the middle of the night with the bed empty beside me and saw that there was a light streaming from underneath the bathroom door, I panicked.

She was trying to muffle her sobs and most people wouldn't have heard them but I know Ana's cries.

She was breaking down really bad...how long had she been in there?

I went to move so that I could comfort her but my body wouldn't coöperate.

I was stuck there.

My body was too heavy and I was way to weak to move, so instead I was forced to lay there in the dark and listen to her crying just a few feet away.

She was trying so hard to be strong but I guess I had overwhelmed her.

I closed my eyes and tried to block out the sound but it seemed like the more that I tried to ignore it, the louder it got.

I don't remember falling asleep but at some point just before I did she came back to bed, my body had given in.

Even in sleep, I could feel her body against mine, gripping me to her.

Her heart pounded erratically as she held me.

She was trying so hard to be my backbone.

I wasn't going to let her think that she was failing at it...because this was probably the most loved that I ever felt when it came to her.

* * *

When I woke up a second time, just before dawn, Ana was out of bed again but this time...I could see her standing out in the hallway just on the other side of the window.

It was still dark in the room but she still kept glancing in at me as if she could see me clearly.

She was talking to Dr. J and from what I could see it wasn't a good conversation.

Her whole body was shaking as she held a hand over her mouth and cried.

I tried to stay awake until she got back so I could talk to her but once again, I slipped back into sleep.

Being in a state of suspended sleep sucks big time.

I got to a point where my body was asleep but I was still hyper aware of Ana's every movement.

Was this what her coma was like?

She was holding onto me for dear life and mumbling things against my ear.

I wasn't quite sure what she was saying but I could tell from the choked sobs that she was really upset.

She wanted me to wake up but she didn't want me to not rest.

She needed me.

I tried to push my eyes open, I tried to push my mind back to full consciousness but it wasn't working.

Please God...help her.

I prayed hard just so that she wouldn't feel so upset.

Eventually the tears stopped and she fell into sleep but it was restless because she kept moaning out in her sleep and squeezing me.

It didn't hurt.

I couldn't really feel anything but I was almost certain that she was going to leave bruises somewhere.

* * *

I knew that I was dreaming because I knew that this already happened.

But it didn't hurt any less.

_"You're doing the right thing...Brittany. We can't raise this baby."_ Grady said as he rubbed my back and walked me into the waiting room of the clinic.

_"Ana would help me...maybe I should talk to her first?"_ I said as I hesitated in the center of the room and looked up in his eyes.

_"Damnit, Brittany...even now...you need to let her go! I met your precious Santana...she's nothing but a stuck up bitch! There's no way that she would raise this baby!"_

He had a hand on each side of my face and was whispering so close to me that I could feel little specks of spit hit my face.

_"You don't know her like I do, Grady."_ I whined.

_"She's a selfish bitch, Britt. She knows that you're pregnant...has she done anything to help you through it?"_

_"She said if I needed anything-"_

_"That's just something that people say!"_

_"She wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it."_

_"Yea right!"_

_"Look...I'm still going to do it okay...just don't talk about her like that."_

_"This is why I'm leaving you."_

_"What?!" _I shrieked.

People were looking at me but I didn't care.

I put my hands to little baby bump and felt that little flutter that Grady swore was in my imagination.

Bye baby...I'll miss you.

_"I'm going to the military...I need to get away from you...from this city. It's what my parents always wanted. I know that once you have this done...that you are going to get me kicked off the show...so I'm leaving on my own...just as soon as we take care of this."_

_"This...is our baby...Grady. We can do this...I know it." _

I felt the tears soaking my cheeks as I looked up into his smiling face.

He always wore that same fucking smile!

I was disgusted with him as I rubbed my little tummy.

_"We can't...I know that you want to go off and raise my baby with that fucking dyke and I won't allow it. So you either get rid of it or I will do it for you." _

My heart dropped into my stomach...he couldn't be serious.

Could he really be so cold hearted?

This was a human life...I had to have some control over this...he would not choose for me.

It was my body.

* * *

The room was cold and smelled like lemons.

I laid back on the table.

The woman looked at me with a sad face after the sonogram that I was required to watch.

I asked for a copy of the dvd.

My baby's last moments.

_"You told the receptionist that you didn't want to be sedated. Are you sure?"_

_"I'm positive."_

_"You understand that it's going to be-"_

_"Fuck...please...just numb me or something...but I cannot go to sleep...please!"_ I growled at her.

She nodded at me and then made me lie back on that cold table and put my feet up.

I closed my eyes as she worked down there to numb me just enough.

I will never forget the sound or the way my body immediately felt like it belonged to someone else.

It wasn't Ana's anymore...Grady had marked me for life.

I tried to get my mind to be somewhere else but I was super aware of what was going on, even though I couldn't feel it.

What was I doing?

Was it too late?

Could I stop it?

But it was over before I knew it and afterwards, I laid there on the table and felt the regret and guilt fill up my soul.

What was left of it...what had I done?

* * *

Grady came into the room and helped me to get dressed again.

He ended up carrying me to the cab because I couldn't walk.

My legs were like jelly.

When we got back to the theater, Grady laid me down on the sofa bed.

He handed my prescription paper and money to pay for them.

I threw up on his shoes as he undressed me.

He didn't get angry.

I was surprised.

_"This is it...Brittany. From here on out...you and me, are done. You did the right thing."_

_"Then why do I feel so wrong?"_ I mumbled as I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes.

He never answered me...a few moments later, I heard the door closing and I never saw him again.

* * *

I felt a coolness touch my face as I slowly woke up from the memory of the worse day of my life.

I opened my eyes and was met with Ana's dark ones.

She looked relieved when she looked at me.

_"You were screaming...you were crying. Are you okay, baby?"_

She called me baby.

I wasn't even thinking of what I had just been dreaming about...I was thinking of how right now, she was looking at me like she had in the beginning and she was even calling me baby.

I was prepared to lie and tell her that I was okay, but I couldn't...I was too tired of games.

I had meant that.

_"I dreamt..."_ My throat was raw...I began coughing and in a matter of seconds, she had a straw in a cup and was putting it to my lips.

The cool liquid coated my throat and I drank it down as fast as I could.

I was so thirsty.

_"Just take your time...okay?"_

I looked at her and could see that she wanted to talk to me but she was holding back.

Suddenly I remembered her conversation outside of the room and her mumbling cries just before I fell asleep again.

This day was already sucking and I had just woken up.

Great.

At least I was with her.

She would make it better...right?

* * *

I nodded and laid my head back against the pillows.

My body was cooperating with me today because it was easier to move.

I was still weak but I could at least shift myself into a sitting position as Ana adjusted the bed and my pillows.

She pulled over the table which already had a food tray on it.

She looked at me anxiously as she pulled the lid off.

Pancakes.

Just what I wanted.

She had already cut them up for me.

_"Thank you."_ I said as I looked down at the food.

I raised up a hand to pick up my fork but I was shaking way too bad.

My stomach growled and I swallowed the nausea and forced myself to pick up the fork.

I dropped it before I could even pick up the food.

_"Do you mind if I feed you?"_ she said quietly.

_"Really?"_ I said as I looked at her in shock.

She was always mocking those couples that fed each other but here she was.

_"Of course baby. I don't want you to exhaust yourself...I don't mind."_ To prove it she picked up the fork, swirled it in the syrup like I normally did and then brought it to my lips with a hand cupped under the fork. _"Open up."_ she smiled and then opened her mouth to show me what to do.

This was what she did with Izzy.

It was the sweetest thing that she had ever done for me.

* * *

After breakfast, Ana helped me to my feet and into the shower.

It was so familiar...except she was bathing me, caressing me and mumbling sweet words to me the entire time.

My strength was back enough to stand on my own but it still took a lot out of me.

Ana was dressing me back in my normal clothes which only could mean that we were leaving soon.

That made me happy.

I hated this hospital business...it smelled like the clinic and was making me remember things that I had been trying to push to the back of my mind.

_"Dr. Jindahl is going to come in and speak to you in a little while. Then he's going to check you out and then we can go home...hopefully."_ she smiled at me through the mirror as she brushed my hair.

_"Does it have anything to do with what you two were talking about in the hallway last night?"_

She froze and looked at me with a shocked expression and then cleared her throat.

_"You saw that?"_

_"So it does?"_ I asked as I tried to look in her eyes but she wasn't looking back at me like before.

_"It does."_ she said as she began to french braid my hair.

_"It's bad...that's why you were crying last night after the talk...right?"_

_"You were asleep. How do you know that?"_

She placed the brush down on the edge of the sink and then turned me around so we were face to face.

She brushed her fingers across my chin and then brought her lips right in front of mine.

_"You don't have to ask."_ I whispered before she could get the question out.

_"I don't want you to regret this...us."_ She mumbled as she looked into my eyes with all the vulnerability that she hid from the rest of the world.

_"Never. It's you...always and only you."_ I whispered before leaning the rest of the way and sealing the kiss.

The moment that she pressed her lips back and she wrapped her arms around my neck and gripped the back of my head.

I knew that it was bad.

I knew that something in my life was about to change and she was doing what she could to prepare me for it.

Except...even with all the amazingness that is Santana Lopez...not even she could defeat all of my monsters.

No matter how hard she tried.

* * *

When I entered the room with Ana just behind me, there sat Dr. J on one of the chairs and he was talking to my therapist...my Lima one.

This was definitely bad.

I looked back at Ana and she slid her hand into mine.

_"I'm here, B...just remember that."_

_"Okay."_ I muttered as I sat on the end of the bed with Ana directly next to me.

Everything about that moment happened in slow motion.

The way that Ana placed a hand against my back and with the other she held tight to my hand.

I ignored my therapist for the time being and looked straight at Dr. J.

_"Tell me."_

_"The tests indicate that..."_ he looked at Ana and then at my therapist before looking back at me. _"There was irreversible damage to your uterus caused by the infection being untreated for so long...you have scarring...it's called pelvic adhesions and this has caused..."_ he took a deep breath and then looked at me. _"I'm afraid that you will no longer be able to conceive. We are recommending a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding and the pain." _

I looked at Ana...not really understanding.

_"What is he talking about?"_ I whispered.

_"You can't have babies anymore...Britt. Like ever."_ she said as she squeezed my hand.

There was a squealing noise in my ears.

I was suddenly watching the situation from outside of myself and even the screaming that came afterwards didn't even sound human.

My only reason...the only thing that got me through that horrible as I lay in room surrounded by lemons on that cold table, was the hope that once we were back together that I could try to have a baby with Ana someday.

I felt her holding me as I cried against her and when the doctor wanted to sedate me she made them leave the room.

She was trying to hold me and be strong for me but I was beyond any help that she could give me.

This was my fault.

I had done this to myself.

This was my punishment for going against a blessing that God had given me.

I would never forgive myself.

Ana helped me to lay down in the bed and then she climbed in behind me and held me as I cried.

She was whispering against my ear but I didn't hear her.

All I could think about was the sound of vacuums and the sickly smell of lemons.

I was disgusted with myself.

* * *

_**A/N: I think I just broke my own heart guys...like seriously. Review?**_


	14. Chapter 14:Keep Your Eyes Open

_**A/N: Back to Santana. **_

* * *

**Chapter 14:Keep Your Eyes Open (NEEDTOBREATHE)**

* * *

**_I would never forgive myself._**

**_Ana helped me to lay down in the bed and then she climbed in behind me and held me as I cried._**

**_She was whispering against my ear but I didn't hear her._**

**_All I could think about was the sound of vacuums and the sickly smell of lemons._**

**_I was disgusted with myself._**

* * *

I had to be strong for her.

My shit was together enough to help her.

I wasn't craving anything.

I wasn't unsure of my place in her life and her place in mine.

It's amazing how things will come along and open your eyes.

Our whole relationship had been a series of games and manuevers to try and control the other person.

We had lost the ability to just love each other so long ago that we were just going through the motions at this point.

That was going to change.

It had to.

We had suddenly been completely thrust into adulthood.

* * *

The vacant look in Britt's eyes was haunting me as I strapped her into the car.

She was so inside her head that even when I spoke to her, I could tell that she wasn't hearing me.

I wasn't going to let her fall completely apart.

She was blaming herself...this was because of the infection...because she stopped taking the antibiotics.

I should have stayed with her.

I could have prevented this.

My phone buzzed but I didn't touch it.

It rang again and so I finally hit the bluetooth as I pulled out of the hospital parking lot.

_"Santana? It's Susan...how is she?"_

I glanced over at Britt and then back to the road.

_"There's news...she's...um...kind of out of it. We're in the car on the way to the house. Where are you guys?"_

_"Getting on the plane...we should be there in about two hours. Okay?"_

_"Okay. I'll have Quinn come and get you."_

_"I love you Brittany."_ Susan said but was met with silence as Britt stared blankly ahead.

_"She hears you, Susan...she's just in her head."_

_"Is it bad news?"_

_"I'd rather talk to you about it when you get here...okay?"_

_"Okay. I'll be home soon."_

_"See you then."_

* * *

We drove to the local pharmacy, which thankfully has a drive thru because I was really afraid to leave Britt by herself.

She still hadn't spoken a word but the tears had finally stopped, which I wasn't quite sure was a good thing.

Susan would be here soon and I wasn't quite sure that Britt seeing the kids was a good thing but Dr. Jindahl assured me that it would probably help her.

God I hope so!

I had called Rachel and Quinn to meet us at my house so that Britt had people around her.

I hadn't told them why but I think Quinn kind of guessed.

Either way, I felt so relieved when I saw Rachel's car in the driveway.

I honked the horn and then climbed out of the car.

Britt sat there staring ahead, unblinking.

She was really starting to worry me.

I opened her door and unbuckled her.

I heard footsteps approaching but didn't look up.

_"Come on, B...we're going to get you inside. Get a nice warm bath going and then we'll tuck in early."_ I mumbled against her face as I kissed her cheek.

She nodded and turned her face towards me.

Even though our eyes were directly in line with each other, I knew that she wasn't really seeing me.

* * *

_"Let me help?"_

I stood up and saw Noah standing there with Mami and Quinn behind him.

_"Be careful with her."_ I said as I stepped to the side and let NoNo scoop her up into his arms.

_"You got it."_ he said as he tucked her head against his shoulder and began walking towards the house.

I closed the car door and grabbed her medicine before following.

Mami and Quinn fell in step with me.

_"What's going on, Santana?"_ Mami said as she looked me up and down.

_"Why the hospital stay, San?"_ Quinn followed up.

_"I'll tell you guys when we get inside...I just...I need her to be situated first...okay?"_

I walked ahead of them and pushed the door open for Noah.

I knew that they all wanted to know what was going on but I had to get Britt settled and in bed first.

Britt needed me to be there for her more than our family and friends needed a story.

_"Take her to my room."_ I said to NoNo as we entered the foyer.

He held Britt like she was no bigger than Beth.

It was killing me inside to see her like this.

I had to help her.

In any way that I could.

* * *

_"She's so pale."_ Noah muttered as he laid her on top of the comforter.

_"Yea...the doctors say that it will take a few days for her to get her coloring back."_

I muttered as I took off her shoes and then looked at Noah who was still lingering.

_"Thank you for your help. Can you tell them that I will talk to everybody all at once, when Susan gets here."_

_"Ok, TT. I'll be right downstairs if you need me."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Oh and Noah?"_ I said as I walked him to the doorway._  
_

_"Yea?"  
_

_"Do me a favor and tell Finn that he needs to find a new smoking buddy...okay?"  
_

_"She told you about that?" _

He looked at me with raised eyebrows._  
_

_"Yes." _I slapped his arm._ "And that, is for not telling me yourself."  
_

Noah nodded and mouthed an apology before shutting the door behind him.

* * *

I turned back around and saw that Britt had taken it upon herself to get out of the bed and walk over to the window seat.

She sat cross legged looking out the window at the treehouse as tears streaked down her cheeks.

I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself as best as I could.

Be cool Lopez.

I walked over to her and sat down in front of her but I didn't touch her.

I just waited.

I looked out the window at the birds building a nest on the porch of the treehouse.

Britt always enjoyed watching but right now, as the mother bird fed her little chicks, I could see that it was taking B to a whole other place in her head.

I reached forward and pulled her hand into my lap.

She clenched her eyes closed and pressed her lips into a thin line.

I could tell that she was trying to hold back her sobs.

Her body was shaking as she opened her eyes and looked at the nest again before dropping her head and pulling her hand back from me.

She wrapped them around herself and curled into herself.

_"Do you need anything?"_

I whispered as I stood to my feet beside her.

She didn't speak...she just shook her head.

_"Do you feel dirty? You want to shower?"_

I knew that after my miscarriage, I kept trying to wash away all the dark and dingy feelings.

I tried to make my innocence return.

I was wondering if she felt the same way.

She nodded and then stood to her feet and without hesitation began to slowly strip out of her clothes.

It was like she was on autopilot.

* * *

Once she was naked, she finally met my eyes.

I looked at her and reached a hand out hoping that she would allow me to touch her again.

She looked at my hand for a long time and while I was beginning to lose my confidence in her reaching out and touching me, I didn't move.

Finally she took it and then stood there waiting for me to make the next move.

No problem.

We had done this countless times.

This I could handle.

I led us into the bathroom and then turned on the shower to the hottest temperature.

When I turned back to B, she was trembling and staring down at our hands.

I rubbed the top of her hand with my thumb and finally for the first time since the hospital she spoke to me.

_"Can you promise me something, Santana?"_

I looked up into her eyes in shock as she spoke to me for the first time in over an hour and she was using my full name.

_"Anything, B."_

She swallowed and then looked at me with fresh tears in her eyes.

_"No matter what I say or do...just please...don't leave me by myself. I don't trust myself right now."_

I could see the desperation clawing out of her.

_"I promise you Britt Britt, I'm not going anywhere."_

* * *

Britt stepped into the shower and I followed her so that I could help her wash herself.

She was looking down at the drain and sobbing.

Her hands fell to her stomach as her body shook.

The water at her feet was pink...she was still bleeding and it was making things worse.

I placed a hand on her back and used it to turn her away from the drain.

Before she could look down, I stepped up close to her so that if she looked down, she would only see my boobs.

She looked at my neck and then reached a hand out and ran a finger along my rosary.

I grasped her hand and pulled it to my lips before letting it drop back down to her side.

She looked at me sadly but I smiled and reached around my neck and pulled my rosary over my head.

_"You need this more than me, right now."_

I leaned up and put the rosary over her head and straightened it so it fell down against her stomach.

_"I don't deserve this."_ she whispered as she fingered the beads.

_"Let God be the one to decide what you deserve."_

_"I think he already did."_ She mumbled before dropping her head against my shoulder, throwing her arms around my waist and sobbing her heart out.

I rubbed at her back and kept dropping kisses wherever I could reach.

This was a daunting reality but I knew that I could help her.

Throughout everything we had been through, my love for her never wavered.

I would give her all my love...and I would allow people to help me because I couldn't do it alone.

I realized that these first few days weren't something I could handle by myself.

I was recovering, I was still building up my own defenses and was afraid that if I took all of this on my shoulders alone, that I would become crushed under the weight of it all.

That's a scary thought.

In order to help Britt, I knew that I needed to keep helping myself.

* * *

_"Can I just sleep for a while? I'm so tired."_

Britt mumbled after we were dressed.

She was decked out in big baggy sweatpants and one of my oversized long sleeved Columbia shirts.

Thank goodness for central air because otherwise I was pretty sure she would sweat to death.

It was one of the hottest Augusts on record.

_"How about we go downstairs to the den and I'll get it all set up for you? That way if you get hungry the walk to the kitchen isn't far?"_

She nodded and walked around the bed towards me.

I held my arms open and she leaned against me.

_"As long as I'm close to you...I don't care where we are."_

_"I'm not going anywhere and pretty soon your mom will be here too."_

_"I ruined her vacation. Her and dad have been saving up for months. When did I become so selfish?"_

I rubbed her back as she sniffled against my shoulder.

_"Don't say things like that, B."_

_"It's true."_ She stood up suddenly and tried to hurry towards the door but stumbled and thanks to quick reflexes she managed to stop her fall by grabbing quickly at the door knob.

_"You have to take it easy, B. Let me take care of you. I'm here and I love you."_

She nodded and pulled the door open.

I pressed a hand to her back and held one of her hands as we slowly made our way downstairs.

I could hear talking coming from the kitchen and squeezed Britt's hand.

I wasn't sure if she was ready to see anyone but we had to go through the kitchen to get to the den.

So it was inevitable.

_"I'm okay."_ she mumbled as she walked into the kitchen.

Quinn was holding Beth on her hip and was holding car keys in her hand.

She looked up at us and gave us a small smile.

_"Noah and I are taking Beth to his mom's house and then we are going to pick up Susan. Call me if you need anything."_

I nodded and then led Britt towards the den.

She pushed open the door and walked straight to the big comfy couch that was my favorite place to nap as a child.

Just steps from where my piano had been.

She laid down and promptly closed her eyes.

I turned on the television and found the Disney channel.

Then I pulled the blinds closed and turned up the air vent. She slept the best in the cold.

Susan always joked that it was a Dutch thing.

I never understood what she meant, so I just went along with it.

When I turned back towards her I could see that she had been watching me.

I smiled and grabbed the huge blanket that I knitted one summer when I wasn't allowed out the house.

It was Cheerios red and black.

I covered Britt and then leaned over and kissed her forehead.

_"I'm going to make us lunch but I'm leaving the door open so you can see me okay?"_

She nodded and then closed her eyes.

I kissed her again and then headed back into the kitchen.

* * *

I felt a huge sense of relief when I saw Mami sitting at the island with a cup of café con leche waiting for me.

I leaned in and kissed her cheek before picking up my favorite mug.

_"Gracias, Mami."_

_"Denada, mija. I made sopa. Make sure she eats it okay."_

_"Thank you so much. I have to grab her medication."_ I muttered as I grabbed a big bowl and ladled Mami's amazing chicken soup into it.

Mami's soup had always been my favorite part of being sick.

She learned how to make it just like Abuela back when she was a little girl on the island.

I still hadn't learned but was highly considering learning for my kids.

I put the bowl on a tray and grabbed a croissant from the bread basket and got a huge glass of the guava mango juice that Britt loved so much. Mami followed closely behind me placing a hand on my back.

_"For balance."_ she whispered.

She walked with me until I put the tray down in front of Britt.

She was fast asleep, curled into a tight ball.

_"Should I wake her? She's really tired and weak."_

_"She has to eat especially if you are giving her this medicine. The warm sopa will help her sleep better. Her body needs support."_

Mami held up the prescription bottle and read the label before handing it back to me.

She looked down at Britt and then back at me with a knowing glance.

She had been a doctor's wife, she had connected the dots and had come to her own conclusion and I'm pretty sure that she had arrived at the correct one.

She knew.

Especially when she realized that I called Susan back from vacation.

The medicine just solidified to her assumptions.

She nodded and then left the room.

She could relate to this.

I almost wasn't born.

They told her that odds were one of us would die when she delivered me.

After that she did almost die and they gave her an emergency hysterectomy to save her life.

How could I have forgotten?

Must be all the stress that I'm under.

* * *

I sat on the edge of the couch and rested my hand on Britt's shoulder.

_"Britt Britt? Honey...wake up for me...just for a little while."_ I whispered softly.

She opened her eyes and sat up slowly.

She was almost in a trance but blinked her way to some form of coherence after a few seconds.

_"Is my mom here?"_ she looked at me anxiously.

_"No...but Mami made soup and you need to take your medicine."_

She nodded as she ran her hands over her tired face and then looked towards the table.

_"Would you...do you think you can..."_ she looked down at her hands and then back up at me.

I knew what she was asking and I totally didn't mind.

_"Sure B."_

I picked up the bowl and then slowly spoon fed her until the bowl was empty.

By the time she finished the bowl, her skin was already gaining some color.

I grabbed the croissant and started breaking it into pieces and handing them to her.

She watched me the entire time she ate.

But I didn't let on that I noticed.

Finally though, she spoke to me about what was on her mind.

_"I don't want you to think that this is going to affect me with our kids. If anything...I want to see them and be around them more than ever."_

I looked up at her in shock.

How had she known my fears?

_"Are you sure?"_ I asked as I handed her the glass of juice and two pills.

She popped the pills in her mouth and swallowed them dry before drinking down the juice like it was the best thing on Earth.

_"You and them...you're my world. I don't want to miss anything else. I want us to be a family...a real one." _

_"What about working through all the stuff?" _I was panicking inside a little bit.

_"We will...but being apart to bring us together just doesn't work unless you have a foundation. This is my last week here before I have to go back to work and I want to make it count. I don't want to waste any more time."_

She handed the glass back to me and then scooted over and laid down behind me. She looked up at me and I just stared at her in amazement.

Even in all of this...she was still thinking about us and our future together.

I envied that in her.

* * *

Britt went back to sleep and I knew that it would be a while before she was awake again because the pills had a sedative in them.

I tucked her in and then kissed her face a dozen times before clearing the dishes and heading into the kitchen.

Mami was sitting there clutching a book in her hands.

She had refilled my mug.

I smiled as I placed the tray next to the sink and loaded up the dishwasher.

I had to keep my hands busy because there was something dark and unstable about this whole situation.

I felt that if I was idle for too long my mind would start going to dark places that I didn't really want to venture in to.

_"Come sit with me, Santana."_

I turned around and looked at my mother fully for the first time.

She had a hard look in her eyes as she stood up and closed the den door until there was only a crack of light shining from the television.

She wasn't going to wait for Susan...and I didn't blame her.

Not many people knew about what she had gone through...she hadn't even told me the full story.

Abuela did though...so I knew that it really hurt her to her very core.

I sat next to her and pulled my mug in front of me.

She rested a hand on my shoulder and rubbed there for a second before taking a deep breath and sliding the book over to me.

* * *

I looked down at the black leather cover and ran a hand over it.

_"What is this?"_ I asked, afraid to open it.

_"That is the journal that I kept during my pregnancy with you and when I wasn't able to write in it...Aden wrote in it for me. There are pictures too. I'm giving it to you."_

I looked at her and then down at the book.

_"Why?"_

I looked up at her and she wasn't meeting my eyes anymore.

_"Because...this isn't just happening to Brittany...it's happening to you too. No matter what she says about you and the kids being her world...she will always feel an emptiness. This is how things started with your father and the abuse."_

_"What do you mean?"_

I felt anger surge through me.

She looked at me in sadness and rested her other hand on my opposite shoulder so that we were facing each other.

Our knees pressed against each other as she leaned forward and looked into my eyes.

She spoke in a whisper as her gaze looked straight to my soul.

_"I had two miscarriages before I had you. They predicted that I would lose you too...and I almost did four times...but you were a fighter. You hung on, just like Isaac did. I knew that you were probably it for me so I documented it. I didn't want to forget a thing. You were my angel. Aden was so confident in you being a boy that he had the nursery painted blue and had already picked the name Carlos out for you. After his favorite singer...Carlos Santana. When you were born...I didn't get to see you right away because I was bleeding out. Dying. I know you know the feeling...with both of your children but especially Daniela...it's a really hard thing to not see your baby when you fought so hard to have it. To know that you were clinging to life after delivereing them and may never see their face." _I nodded in agreement._ "Aden was so disappointed that you were his fifth daughter and not his first son. I told him that he could name you Carla which is close to Carlos but he said no...that Santana was a better name. It took awhile for me but I got used to it."_

I smirked.

_"Yea, it took me some time to like it too...Ana is better suited for me though."_

_"You can thank your Tio Gene for that. He refuses to call you Santana to this day, you know that."_

I smiled to myself as I thought back and realized that he had never used my given name.

_"So what happened after I was born?"_

She was finally opening up to me and I wasn't going to pass up the chance to learn something about why my childhood was so shitty when we were sitting on such a pile of money and privilege.

_"They did the emergency hysterectomy...your father was so angry that he would never have a son and over the years...he began to blame you for it. Then when he found out that you were cavorting with Ariana and that might be gay, that he wouldn't have a grandson...he was so angry. He became bitter and that's when the little spankings turned into me taking you to the hospital in Dayton so that his colleagues wouldn't know that he broke your hand or your leg. He drank more and then you got pregnant...he was willing to accept it even though he was thinking of sending you to live with his mother in Puerto Rico. Then Marco came in here telling us all about you and Noah Puckerman...I should never have left him here alone that day knowing you were coming home soon. What he did to you...it broke me down deep. I was afraid that it would damage you...that you would have to suffer childless. I, at least had you but the thought that you would never be able to get pregnant again...that scared me deeply. It's why I didn't put up that big of a fuss when you got pregnant with Isaac and then again with Daniela. God spared you."_

_"But not Britt."_ I said sadly.

_"She needs you, Santana...there's no doubt in my mind that she does...just protect those kids. Deal with her bitterness before it gets any worse. I could have stopped your father...I could have accepted Marco into this house like he wanted me to...but I fought him on it and he took that out on you. You have to put your foot down now. Don't let her lay a heavy hand on those kids...I love her, Santana, like my own...but I saw what she did to you...what she has done in the past and this may be the thing that changes her for the better but just keep your eyes open to the fact that her anger makes her capable of anything. If you don't stick by her and guide her in the right direction things could get bad, so cuidate...so that she doesn't take anything out on those babies. Understand me?"_

_"Yes." _

My chest felt tight as I looked into my mother's eyes.

She was afraid for me and for the kids.

And now, so was I.

I could understand her fear and honestly...I was grateful for it because I believe in history repeating itself.

* * *

I sat in the recliner flipping slowly through Mami's journal while watching Britt sleep so peacefully.

She looked so weak and defenseless but I would never forget the feeling of being pressed against that wall as she choked the life out of me.

I would never forget being pinned to walls or gripped up.

I could never forget those bad times,

I wasn't naïve enough to think that she would be able to suppress those urges into non existence.

I knew Brittany...she had an anger rooted so deeply within her that she fought to control it, the truck the other night was evidence of that.

She had been doing so well with it but it was still there.

At least it was up until she entered the hospital.

I didn't want her to lapse into a depression that would cause her anger to become even greater.

* * *

My mind was running wild with scenarios when the door cracked open.

Blue eyes looked around and landed on Brittany and then on me.

I stood from the recliner and put the book down onto the coffee table.

Susan stepped into the room and then looked down at Brittany with sad eyes.

I put a hand on her shoulder and led her back out of the room and closed the door fully this time.

Britt was completely knocked out and wouldn't be up for a while still.

Once we were in the kitchen, I saw that she had tears in her eyes now.

_"What's going on?"_ she said with a choked whisper.

I looked around the room at Quinn and Mami each holding my kids and then my eyes landed on Britt's dad.

Susan had told him that Britt had miscarried but today he would find out the truth.

I felt bad for him.

Brittany had already asked me to tell everyone what was going on, so that she didn't have to.

Now though...I was wishing that she was at least with me.

This was going to be hard...Britt's dad had been the toughest on her in all of this.

Once everyone was sitting in my dad's old office, I stood against the door and swallowed hard.

* * *

_"As you guys...well most of you know...Britt recently had an abortion."_ Britt's dad looked like he had the wind knocked out of him as he looked at me with wild eyes. Susan rested a hand on his leg and he looked at her in disbelief but she just nodded. _"Grady forced her into it...but she completely blames herself...anyway...she didn't take all of the antibiotics that they gave her...she got a really bad infection and it got into her bloodstream. She almost died."_ I sucked in a shaky breath as I wrung my hands in front of me. _"The doctors...they told us this morning...that...the damage the infection caused...she...she can't have kids anymore...they want to do a hysterectomy otherwise she is going to stay sick and in pain indefinitely. She's taking it really hard. I am still in recovery and usually I would just suck it up and try and shoulder the burden but guys...I can't do this by myself, I realize that. She needs all of us right now. I'm g-going to head back to her now...she asked me not to leave her alone...so...you know now. She asked not to be kept from the kids but at the same time I don't want to overwhelm her so if you guys could continue to pick up my slack...I would really appreciate it."_

With that I left the room without looking back.

Unfortunately, the broken look on my in-laws faces had already etched itself in my psyche.

Rob and Susan would probably blame themselves for this for a very long time to come.

They looked so broken.

I don't think I can ever forget that look.

I was glad that Britt hadn't been in the room to see it.

Her guilt would have increased tenfold.

* * *

When I returned to the den it was to Britt sitting up in a trance as she looked through Mami's old journal.

I hadn't meant for her to see it just yet.

She was biting down hard on her lips when I shut the door behind me loud enough for her to notice I was standing there.

It didn't matter, she just kept looking through the book.

_"Your parents are here. Susan really wants to see you."_

She didn't look up.

She just nodded and turned to the next page.

I walked over to her and knelt in front of her.

Her eyes were bloodshot and her lips were bruised and swollen from her chewing on them.

She was falling apart.

I couldn't let her go too deep inside of herself...I knew that place personally and it wouldn't end the way I needed it to.

The way that meant our happiness.

She needed me to be strong for her so I took the book out of her hands and put it on the table behind me. She looked up at me with a hurt expression.

I didn't care.

This was best for her.

I placed a hand on either side of her face and looked her in the eyes.

_"Do you want me to get anything for you? Do you want your mom?"_

She nodded her head as she looked back and forth between my eyes.

_"Please?"_ she squeaked out.

_"Do you want me to get Lord Tubbington?"_

It was a huge sacrifice for me but I knew that the cat would at least keep her company when I couldn't.

She recognized my effort.

_"Really?"_

_"Anything to make this easier...I mean it, anything!"_ I said with as much conviction as I could muster.

She nodded her head and then leaned in and wrapped her arms around me.

_"I love you so much, Ana."_ she sniffled against me and kept breathing out shallow bursts of air.

_"I love you too."_ I pulled away and reached up my thumbs to wipe away the tears. _"I love you so fucking much, do you understand...this doesn't change anything! We are going to survive this...I won't let you lose what you have worked so hard for. I won't let you fall apart...I'm here and I will do anything to help you through this."_

She bit her lip and nodded in understanding.

There was a small twinkle in her eye.

She wasn't ready to smile but that little bit of the old Brittany was enough to let me know that I was handling things just the way she needed me to.

We were going to get through this by any means necessary.

* * *

_"I want to see the kids."_ she said to me after a moment of just staring into my eyes.

_"Right now?"_

I looked at her in shock.

_"And my mom."_

_"Okay...you got it. I'm going to go get them...do you want anything else?"_

_"Gladys...first."_ she said after a moment of staring off behind me.

I stood to my feet and then grabbed the journal from the table and held it to my chest.

_"I'll be right back."_

I walked to the door but hesitated when she cleared her throat.

_"Ana?"_

I looked over my shoulder and saw for the first time, the ghost of a smile.

_"Yes, Britt Britt?"_

_"Thank you."_

_"Your welcome, B."_

I winked at her as I stepped out, into the kitchen and headed straight for my mother who was sitting there consoling Susan.

This was a hard day for everyone and so I was glad that our mothers had such a good relationship outside of us.

We were all there for each other and really...that was going to help me be sober now that Rachel currently on her back to New York.

With all the tension...I was thinking that even though I really needed to get to a meeting tonight...that maybe I could put it off one more day.

It's not like I had any coke left...right?

* * *

Now I was wracking my brain.

Did I have anything left?

Just as my mind started to drift towards that dark place I had been avoiding my purpose resurfaced.

_"Mami! Beso, Mami. Pees!"_

I looked down and there stood my son with his arms outstretched.

I lifted him into my arms and looked into his eyes.

That's where I found my peace and in that moment when I was holding him, it did something for my sobriety that not even a meeting could do for me.

It stilled the cravings and my roving mind.

As long as I had my children, I knew that I would keep fighting.

They would help me keep my eyes open.

* * *

**_A/N: I love getting into the meat of the story! You knew the drama would come...this story has already been lighter than the previous two, I hope that you are enjoying the ride even if it's a little heavy. Glory days will come...please keep the faith! _**

**_Love you guys...do you love me back?_**

**_Review and let me know! _**

**_Brittany's going to talk to us next chapter...exciting!_ **


	15. Chapter 15:Never Let Me Go

**A/N: Split Chapter**

* * *

**Chapter 15: Never Let Me Go (Florence + The Machine)**

* * *

**_I lifted him into my arms and looked into his eyes. That's where I found my peace and in that moment when I was holding him, it did something for my sobriety that not even a meeting could do for me._**

**_As long as I had my children, I knew that I would keep fighting._**

**_They would help me keep my eyes open._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I have never felt this low before.

I mean I have been depressed and down in the dumps but never like this.

There was a dark void filling my head making me space out even without my meds.

I needed my therapist...I was supposed to be getting a visit from him sometime today...

Did Ana remember?

Was he still coming?

She looks like she is barely holding it together.

I thanked her for everything but I want to give her so much more.

I had seen her face when Dr. J had told her out in the hallway...she had been heartbroken.

Now though she was trying to smile and trying to comfort me.

I can't put this pressure on her.

She's even willing to let Lord Tubbington into the house that's a big deal.

Even with her being allergic to him...and her hating his guts she was willing to allow it.

How had things turned to this?

I felt like I was being sucked into a big empty space...like...an empty darkness.

It was cold and lonely.

But I had done this to myself...it's where I belonged.

* * *

_"I know that you wanted to see me first...but we have all day to talk...let your mom in first okay?"_ Gladys said as she poked her head in.

I nodded numbly and she shut the door again.

I had wanted to put off seeing my mom because I was angry with her.

This was her fault too.

She had doubted me.

Why hadn't she trusted me?

Why did she think that I wasn't good enough to be a mother?

Did she think that I wasn't good enough for Izzy and Dani too?

Gladys had a different level of support for me.

I could understand though...it probably hurt my mom more to know that I wanted to see Gladys before her.

So I didn't argue.

* * *

The door cracked open but I didn't move my eyes from the television.

I had noticed that the look that people have when they come into the room is the saddest so I try not to look at them until they fixed their faces.

I didn't want to be pitied.

_"Brittany...honey it's me."_

I looked up into my mom's eyes and there I saw the deep regret and guilt that she hadn't wiped from her face.

_"Hi."_ I said as I sat up and made space for her to sit down next to me.

_"I know you don't want an apology from me...but-"_

I cut her off.

And put up my hand.

_"So don't...I can't...please just sit with me."_ I mumbled.

She finally sat down and wrapped me in her arms.

The sweet smell of her reminded me of apple pie...it always had.

It was a smell that belonged to her.

The comfort of it made me break again.

I couldn't blame her for this.

She was just trying to protect me.

I cried against her chest and she just held me there.

* * *

I don't know when I fell asleep or even how long I was out, all I know is that I felt a hot, heavy weight on my chest that could only mean one thing.

I opened my eyes and there sat my big fat cat sitting on my chest, purring in his sleep.

I looked around the room and saw that Ana was in the recliner quietly talking into her phone as she breastfed the baby.

Something that I would never be able to do.

My chest hurt.

I pushed the cat off me and turned so that I was facing the back of the couch.

Maybe being around the kids wasn't something I needed while this was so fresh.

Ana stood from the recliner and I heard her make her way out of the room.

I didn't turn back around until the sound of her footsteps had disappeared.

Now I felt bad.

I sat up and looked over to the end of the couch where Lord Tubbington had moved.

He was watching me with evil eyes.

I had disturbed his sleep and now he was mad at me.

Great...just what I needed.

* * *

Ana didn't come right back...instead Gladys came in holding Izzy.

When he saw me he squirmed until she put him down on the floor.

_"Mama? No cry."_ he said as he ran over to me.

Was I crying?

He put his head against my lap and tried to wrap his arms around my waist.

I put a hand on his back and rubbed it as I felt his lungs.

He was wheezing.

I hooked my hands under his arms and lifted him into my lap.

He placed a little hand to his chest and then looked up at my face.

_"No cry...pees?"_

His eyes were sad.

Too sad for someone so small.

_"Ma...he needs hi__s machine."_ I mumbled as I placed a hand on his chest and rubbed it slowly.

Gladys got up and left the room.

Now it was just me, Izzy and my angry cat.

_"Beso?"_ I leaned over and kissed his forehead...I could hear his wheezing since I was close to his mouth now.

Ana came bursting in the room with his portable nebulizer in her hands.

_"Do you want me to take him?"_

I looked up at her and could see that she had been crying.

She must have forgotten because she hadn't even bothered to wipe her face.

_"No Ana...I can do it...just set it up...he's fine here with me."_

She hesitated a second and then turned to set the machine up for Izzy.

Once she set up the machine and slipped Izzy's mask on, she just stood there and wrung her hands while I shifted Izzy so that even though he was sideways he could still lay his head against my chest.

He had his arm around me and closed his eyes.

I kissed his head and then looked up at Ana.

_"Please don't stand there like that...it makes me feel like you don't trust me with him."_

She nodded and then turned and walked stiffly out of the room.

She was definitely upset.

* * *

Once I was alone with Izzy again, I turned up the Disney Channel and we watched a show together.

I kept my hand on his back and slowly felt his lungs stop struggling so hard to get air.

When I looked down at him I could see that he had fallen asleep.

_"I love you so much Izzy. I wish that you and I could go off right now and sit by the lake and throw pebbles. I know how much you like to watch the water...it's our special thing...just Mama and Izzy. I need that so much right now...to be in peaceful place. I want to just be with you and Dani...and Mami too. I just want to be a family and forget about everything that I've lost...I want to be able to focus on what I do have...my little blessings."_

I brushed my fingers through his hair and kissed his face as the machine buzzed.

I lifted the mask and placed it on the side table.

When I looked down at him, all I could see was Ana.

He had her nose and her long eyelashes and even her dimples.

He curled against me after I took off his sandals.

I laid back down and put him on top of me.

Laying there with him against me, all I could do was just stare into his face with a hand on this back.

It was the first time I felt just a little warmth.

Having him there with me was soothing some of the pressure in my head and my heart.

* * *

I watched a few shows before I heard a shuffling in the doorway.

When I looked up I saw Gladys standing there with a tray of food.

Where was Ana?

Gladys came over and sat the tray down on the table.

_"I'm going to take him and put him down for the night. Do you need help eating...or are you alright?"_

I looked down and saw that there was more soup in the bowl. I couldn't get enough of the stuff, and my grumbling stomach couldn't either.

I felt stronger after I had it earlier...so I shook my head.

_"No...I'm okay...thank you Ma."_

She leaned over, kissed my forehead and then picked up my son.

He threw his arms around her neck and then mumbled something.

She smiled down at me and then headed towards the doorway.

_"Yell if you need anything."_

_"Okay." _

I slid down to the floor and sat over my bowl of soup...there was no way that I could pick it up.

When I picked up the spoon, I thought immediately of all the love and care that I had been receiving from Ana the past few days.

Had she finally gotten tired of me?

* * *

I was halfway through the bowl of soup when Gladys popped her head in to see if I was finished eating yet.

_"Do you need anything else?" _

_"No."_

_"You sure?_

_"Where's Ana?"_ I asked as I sat back against the bottom of the couch and looked at my mother-in-law.

_"She's at a meeting...she should be on her way back." _

_"Oh." _

_"I'll be in the kitchen...call for me when you are done...okay?"_

_"Thanks Ma."_ I said as I hovered over the bowl again.

When I heard the door close I sighed in relief.

* * *

I started to eat again after awhile and then just like out of nowhere I was suddenly nauseous.

My stomach was churning and I knew I was going to be sick.

When I jumped up too quickly I knocked over my soup bowl.

_"Shit."_

I could feel my stomach in knots as I burst into the kitchen.

I scared Gladys as I ran across the kitchen to the bathroom and dropped to my knees.

Burning liquid ripped through my mouth and splashed into the toilet.

Some it came from my nose and some of it had a little blood.

My face hurt, it was hell.

I continued to vomit and felt a cool towel being draped over my neck.

I felt her hand on my back and knew immediately that ir was Ana.

Great.

* * *

I'm sure this was the last thing she needed after a meeting.

I hated this. I felt like a burden and just wanted to go back to New York, back to my office.

I needed to escape this.

When I felt like I couldn't heave another time, I pulled the towel from my neck and used it to wipe my mouth.

_"Are you okay?"_

She was kneeling on the floor beside me now.

Her eyes were bloodshot and her face was swollen.

She had been crying a lot.

Because of me.

I nodded and pushed on the toilet seat so that I could stand up.

I kept my eyes closed as I now hovered over the sink.

_"I'm sorry about all of this."_ I said quietly.

_"Don't be. I don't blame you for anything."_

_"You should. I'm fucking with your recovery. I'm messing up everything."_ I said before filling my mouth with water and spitting it out into the sink.

_"You're not." _

_"You're in denial."_ I said as I turned towards her angrily, my hands flying out in front of me.

She flinched and I knew that I had hit a new low.

My heart dropped as I covered my face and screamed against my hands in frustration.

She reached out and pulled at my hands until they left my face.

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and I wanted to punch something...like a wall.

Not her...thankfully.

_"It's not your fault, B."_

How could she not think that this was anything but my fault?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Seeing Britt like this is literally tearing me apart.

Mami says that this is how she was when I was in the coma.

I couldn't even imagine how my sisters had been so cruel to her when she looked like this.

She was a wreck.

I just wanted to hold her...but something inside of me had drawn an impenetrable line between us.

Maybe it was the moment that I saw her looking at me in disgust as I fed the baby earlier.

I was just trying to be close to her.

And she rejected me, even after I got that stupid cat for her.

Was that my tipping point?

Was that what made me storm out of the room and run crying into Quinn's arms?

As I stood there looking into her cold blue eyes, Mami's words from earlier came back to me.

I could see the pent-up anger that was building up in her and even though I was directly in her line of fire, I refused to run from her again.

Moments like earlier couldn't happen again.

I couldn't let anyone see me look that fractured again.

* * *

I was just so overwhelmed.

I had gone in there just for a quiet space, just to be near Britt while my mind tried to think of places to get blow.

It was why I called Rachel...I needed someone to talk me down.

It was just the icing on the proverbial cake when I saw Britt look at me like that.

I broke apart inside...but I couldn't let that happen again.

Not right now.

I found myself wishing Rachel didn't have to leave.

I was momentarily tempted to pay her the money that she needed to cover her rent this semester.

Then when Mami told me that Isaac needed his machine...panic and guilt crushed me under its immense weight.

I shouldn't have hovered over Britt like that when I knew for a fact that she has sat with our son through countless treatments.

My head was everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

She snapped me back to the present when she told me I was making her anxious.

When I left the room that time, I threw on my shoes, kissed my baby girl and then left the house.

I was going to find a fix.

I got a block before I realized that I had gone the wrong way and that I was headed to church...to a meeting.

I calmed down.

It was like Rachel was walking right beside me.

I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Mami and Quinn to tell them I was okay and that I was going to a meeting.

I never made it there though.

My addiction was stronger than me.

So it wasn't a surprise that I stopped on the sidewalk rethinking my destination.

* * *

I'm not proud of myself for what I did next but there are worse things.

I ended up in West Lima looking for an old friend at this bar I knew that he liked.

What I hadn't expected was running into someone that I knew.

Especially not this guy...who happened to own the place.

We hadn't seen each other in years but the moment that I walked inside he recognized me.

_"Santana Lopez?"_

I hadn't realized he owned the place, I was really just going to use the bathroom and bum a cigarette and pretend that was all I was there for but when I saw him, I changed my mind.

_"Jovanny Soto! Wow...God it's been years! How have you been?"_

I hopped up on a bar stool and leaned over to kiss Ari's older brother on the cheek.

_"Good...the bar brings in good money and the ladies too."_

He winked at me and I blushed.

Jovanny had been my second crush after Ari.

I had to like boys so I picked him to be that boy for me.

We used to sneak behind his parents shed and mess around but nothing major.

_"Its great to see you, Joey...you're not going to get in trouble because I'm in here are you?"_

_"Nah...besides you have so many connections down at the station...like Felix that I'm sure you'll be just fine."_

_"Ha! So anyway how are you? What's been up?"_

_"I'm married...she's the new track coach over at McKinley."_

_"Nice...so no kids yet?"_

_"We've got time. How about you? How's life treating you now that my no good primo did us all a favor and offed himself?"_

_"I just got out of rehab-" _He looked at me with an arched eyebrow.

_"And you're in a bar?"_

_"I'm not a drunk...besides I wasn't coming in here to drink."_

_"You meeting someone?"_

_"Not really...except maybe he's here...have you seen Harry K around here?"_

_"That guy is bad news...what do you want from him?"_

I hesitated...we both knew that Harry K was only good for one thing.

Was he trying to give me a way out of this?

I wasn't stupid.

Until it came to drugs.

* * *

_"You know what I want from him, Joey."_ I sighed as I looked towards the television and avoided looking into his eyes.

_"You know what, Anita? I'm going to do you a huge favor right now because you are like family to me and it would kill my baby sister if you went back to that stuff so...thank me later because I know it's going to piss you off right now."_

He looked at me one last time before walking over to the side of the bar and sticking his head through the back curtain.

I got nervous but tried not to show it.

When he came back out he wasn't alone anymore.

I felt my heart stop when out walked Carlos...Ari's oldest brother.

_"Hey Lito."_ I whispered.

Fuck.

_"Is that Anita? Wow...what are you doing here sweetheart? You're not even 21 yet." _

I was speechless as I looked between him and Jovanny._  
_

_"She came in looking for Harry K...she had a brief moment of insanity. From what you and Ari have told me about all that she has to lose...I know she must just be going through a hard time. Can you take her back home and make sure she goes inside?"_

He wasn't even trying to whisper.

I was pissed but I didn't say a word because I didn't want him to call Ari or Padrino.

I knew that if I went quietly that this might just stay between the three of us.

Maybe._  
_

_"Sure thing little bro. Let's go Anita."_

I stood to my feet and leaned back over the bar.

_"Thank you, Joey."_

I couldn't hold a grudge about this.

I knew that he was doing me a big favor and I wasn't going to be angry with him.

I was angry at myself and a little bit at Britt.

* * *

I kissed Jovanny again and then followed Carlos out to his car.

He didn't speak as he opened the car door for me.

He kept looking at me like I would break.

I strapped myself in and after staring at me for a moment too long, Carlos shut the car door and ran around it.

When he climbed in he turned on the radio and was silent the whole way to the house.

I sat there crying my eyes out not caring that Carlos was right there...seeing me break down.

This was nothing compared to how most people had seen me.

It seemed like I was always breaking down these days so this was nothing.

I had hit a low...a stupid speed bump that reminded me that my sobriety was a fickle thing.

What had I been thinking?

I was already regretting what I had set out to do and so the silence was deafening.

Should I tell Britt what I had almost done?

No.

She would blame herself.

Was it worth it?

Should I be pissed at Jovanny?

No...not him...it took guts to not look the other way when I blatantly told him what I was about to do.

I guess there are still good guys out there.

* * *

Carlos walked me to the door of the house and I had to just about pay him off to make him not walk me inside.

I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why he was with me.

Worse than that, I didn't want him to say anything.

It was hell in the house right now with all the stuff going on with Britt and this would just make that even worse. I didn't want that.

_"Be good, Anita."_

_"I'm trying."_

_"Try harder."_

I walked inside and shut the door behind me.

It was around ten and from what I could see Quinn had taken Rachel's car and gone back to the Berry house for the night.

Noah's pick up was gone as well...so it must just be Mami, Pa and Britt inside.

I leaned back against the door and took a deep breath...enjoying the silence.

It didn't last long because within seconds I heard the sound of vomiting from the kitchen bathroom.

How did I think I could get high and then come back here and take care of things?

Jovanny was right...I had gone temporarily insane.

Thank God for him.

* * *

I took a deep breath, dropped my purse and keys on the foyer table and then made my way into the kitchen.

Mami was at the sink wringing out a towel, I placed a hand on her shoulder and motioned for her to give it to me.

_"Are you sure, mija?"_

She was looking at me strangely...had Jovanny called her?

I couldn't deal with that right now.

_"I'm sure...why don't you go on upstairs to Pa...I'll take care of her."_

_"No...I'm going to help you put her upstairs in bed...just go clean her up."_

_"Okay."_

I took the damp towel and walked into the bathroom.

Seeing Britt like that, hunched over the toilet, making the worst noises on the planet really made me glad that I was sober.

I draped the towel over her neck and then placed my hand on her back and began to rub it, trying to soothe her and help the vomit come up at the same time.

She was crying as she finally sat back on her knees.

I knelt beside her as she wiped at her mouth and nose.

_"Are you okay?"_

* * *

Why do I get so stupid around Britt?

How could I ask her that question?_  
_

I could clearly see how she was.

Great job, Lopez.

Then the yelling started...and then I fucking flinched!

With all that I had been through that day, I was on edge and so the flinch was appropriate.

To me.

But seeing her face break like that...my heart was hurting.

We were both overwhelmed.

Neither one of us was thinking straight.

We were both breaking...both falling apart.

* * *

Mami stepped in once the yelling had turned into crying.

That must be where I get my level head in the midst of a crisis.

She shuffled us up the stairs and helped Britt as she walked towards the bed.

The moment that Britt hit the bed, she pulled my biggest pillow from under the covers and pulled it in front of her.

She had her back to the rest of the room as she cried into the pillow.

Mami pulled me back into the hallway and shut the door before she placed her hands on my shoulders.

_"Listen to me. This is what's going to happen. This is very important, mija."_

I was at such a loss in that moment that I would take whatever advice she was willing to give me.

This was all too much.

I nodded and looked into her eyes as I felt tears slowly building up behind my eyes.

_"Tomorrow...you and Brittany are going to leave this house...Quinn and Noah are going to take the three kids and bring them in a few days...you are all going to the lake house and you are going to let her stay in bed...you are going to take her for walks down by the lake before the kids get there. Spend some time with her. And then when the kids are there...let Quinn and Noah help with them...you two need to build as a family and as a unit. Her being here in this town...where people can poke their heads in and watch her like a spectacle...where she can run away from her problems...is not going to help. Take her away from here. Understand me?"_

I didn't have to answer because she already knew that I would agree with her.

She pulled me into a hug and allowed me to savor it a few extra moments before pulling back and kissing my forehead.

_"What about right now?"_ I whispered when she had begun to walk away.

_"You go in there and hold her and never let her go."_

I nodded in agreement and then turned towards my dark bedroom.

Britt's cries broke the silence.

Mami was right.

I would do what she said because maybe this trip would save Britt.

* * *

I curled up behind the love of my life and wrapped my arms completely around her.

She didn't resist but her cries did slow a bit.

_"Let me go."_ she choked out.

_"Never."_

_"You need to stop letting me feel sorry for myself. This is my fault!"_

_"Stop it. Blaming yourself isn't going to solve anything. Do you hear me, Brittany?"_

She nodded and then scooted back against me.

_"Okay."_

I held her against me and buried my nose against her neck.

She smelled like fresh rain and sweetness.

I inhaled and kissed her right a the crook of her neck and shoulder.

She shuddered and leaned into the kiss.

_"I'm here B...always."_ I said as I brushed the hair from her face and kissed her cheek.

She closed her eyes and fell into a deep but fitful sleep after that.

But what matters is that she slept.

She was hurting really badly but she slept there like an angel.

_"It's going to get better, Britt Britt. For the both of us. I promise."_

And I meant that with my whole heart.

We would save each other.

I would never let her go and if it was turned the other way...I know that she would never let me go either.

Our strength and our faith would get us through this.

I had to believe that.

There was no other option.

* * *

**_A/N: There is just so much going on here...our girls are on their way!_ **


	16. Chapter 16:Save Me From Myself

**A/N: I hope you guys don't mind the jumping between the two ladies...but it's just helping the story. Don't you think?**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 16: Save Me From Myself (Christina Aguilera)**

* * *

_**We would save each other.**_

_**I would never let her go and if it was turned the other way...I know that she would never let me go either.**_

_**Our strength and our faith would get us through this.**_

_**I had to believe that.**_

_**There was no other option**_.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I hadn't realized just how much I had missed her voice until I was waking up to it.

I woke up to the sound of her singing to a fussy Izzy.

The monitor was on a low volume but the sound of her singing, always stirred something inside of me.

Yesterday had been a huge blur but this morning I was more clear headed.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths.

A level of peace was filling me along with the music from Ana's lips.

Just before I had fallen asleep the night before I had prayed really hard that God would forgive me for what I had done.

Now as I lay here feeling my whole body float with the music, I knew that I had been forgiven.

I was still hurting and sad but the bitterness that had been building didn't feel as strong.

* * *

Ana was singing Songbird but Izzy was still whining and from what I could hear he was wheezing.

I cracked my back and shoulders and then decided that I should make my way to the nursery.

Ana was walking back and forth in front of the window with Izzy in her arms.

Dani was standing in her crib watching Ana with wide eyes but she didn't make a sound.

That wouldn't last long though because her lip was trembling.

With the way that she was staring at Ana, I could tell that she was very hungry.

_"Hey Ana, why don't you let me take him and you can take the baby. She looks like she's going to cry any second."_

Ana looked at me in surprise but then cracked a smile.

She walked over to me and then looked down at our son.

_"Do you want Mama?"_

She rubbed his chest and then kissed his face.

_"Pees Mama?"_ Izzy whined and then reached for me.

I swooped him up and then danced him over to the window seat and then sat him down.

His whining had stopped as I rubbed his back.

Ana already had Dani latched on as she sat in the glider watching us.

This was almost normal.

I could do this.

Izzy was still wheezing so I sat him on the window seat and reached for his machine. He shook his head at me and crossed his arms across his chest.

I set it up beside him and reached for his mask.

He turned his face and went to take a deep breath...or he at least tried, but his wheezing was louder now.

_"Come on Izzy, you need this."_ I said as I tried to slide the mask on him.

_"No...pees Mama...nooooo!"_ Izzy started crying while his chest was getting tighter.

His wheezing intensified and I began to panic a little.

_"Sorry...Izzy but you need this."_ I knelt in front of him and pressed on his chest until he was flat on his back.

Then before he could stop me , I slid the mask over his head.

He tried to reach his hands up but I caught them and held them on his chest.

He was still crying but at least he was getting his medicine.

Eventually after a few moments he calmed down completely and I was able to climb onto the window seat and pull him across my lap.

His eyes looked up at me lazily as he reached up with his one hand trying to touch my face.

I leaned over and gave my son kisses all over the parts of his face that the mask didn't cover.

_"I love you so much Izzy."_ I whispered.

* * *

The kids were both asleep by mid morning , thankfully at the same time.

Apparently Ana had been up with them for three hours before I showed up.

She had washed them, dressed them and had even taken them downstairs and played with them for awhile.

She was an amazing mother and I was happy that she was with me.

That she was allowing me to be an equal parent.

She didn't have to let me but she had never wavered when it came to my rights to them.

That's why I was going to spend the next week doing as I had planned.

I had taken my day to mourn the loss of the biological children that I would never have.

My heart was heavy but I couldn't afford to get down on myself anymore.

I had wasted almost a month of my life, feeling sorry for myself and a decision that I had ultimately made.

That was a blessing that I had thrown away but I had other blessings in my life and I couldn't take them for granted.

I still had Ana and our kids.

They mattered the most to me in the entire world and I wasn't going to neglect my responsibilities when it came to them any longer.

It was time for me to stop being a spectator and start being a participant as a wife and a mother.

I had a new found clarity that I was hoping not to lose.

Ana was here for me.

She had more than proven that to me and for the first time, sadly, I was seeing what she had sacrificed for me.

She wasn't a saint but compared to the dirt that I have done she's damn near close.

* * *

I climbed into the shower and Ana hovered once again.

She sat on the toilet lid while I cleaned my body.

I ignored the color of the water at my feet.

The sharp pains in the pit of my stomach were a constant reminder of my loss.

Why torture myself more than I needed to?

_"I didn't expect you to be up this morning...or to come into the nursery."_

Ana's voice sounded strained and extra raspy as I stood under the water but she was talking loud enough for me to hear her clearly.

_"You know me, Ana...I can't be sad for too long. It's just not in me."_

_"Please don't suppress this stuff, B. I want you to talk to me if you need to."_

I was frustrated but I wasn't going to let her see that.

So I fixed myself, took a deep breath and then rinsed out my hair while I figured out what I wanted to say so that she would trust that I was okay.

_"You're right...I know that I need to deal with this stuff and that I'm carrying around with me but you have to let me do this the best way that I know how...piece by piece. Day by day. After this week, I have to get on a plane and fly back to New York by myself and if I don't start trying to get back to myself now...then I'm going to get back to the city and end up locked in my office again."_

_"Fine...but just promise me that you will talk to me if you need to...even if you think that you don't want to overburden me."  
_

I turned off the water and then pulled back the curtain and looked at her.

Her eyes traveled up my body until she met my eyes._  
_

_"I promise you that if I need to bare my soul any more than I already have, that I will tell you right away. Okay?"  
_

_"Good...so I need you to pack your things...because you and I need to get on the road."  
_

I was confused as she stood to her feet and pulled a travel bag from under the sink and began to pack it with our toothbrushes and a tube of toothpaste._  
_

_"Why...where are we going?"  
_

_"The lake house. Quinn and Noah will bring the kids in a few days. You and I need some alone time and you owe me a date...so we are going to spend some time together and then we will spend some time as a family before you head back to the city."  
_

I stepped down onto the cool tile and wrapped a towel around myself.

I touched Ana's back and she leaned into my touch instead of flinching._  
_

_"This isn't some trick to get me to spill my guts is it?"  
_

She turned herself, so that she was facing me and looked up at me. She smiled sweetly,then leaned in and pressed a warm kiss to my lips._  
_

_"This, Britt Britt, is about reconnecting. About you and me relearning who we are in and out of this relationship. We both have grown up so much and a lot of that is when we were away from each other. I'm excited to get to know you again."  
_

_"Do you really mean that?" _I was still skeptical._  
_

_"I really do. Seeing you so sick has made me really take stock in who I am with and without you. It made me realize that I don't want to be without you anymore. I can be clean, I can be a good wife to you, Brittany."  
_

_"What happened to taking space and taking our time, though?"  
_

_"We will...we are. We just are doing it with a goal in mind and we have a common one...right?"  
_

_"Being together."  
_

_"Right." _

She smiled again and then looked down at the floor, her face got serious and that's when I remembered that I was still bleeding.

I couldn't look down._  
_

_"Is there a lot?" _I whispered._  
_

_"Why don't you jump in the shower and rinse back off...I'll clean the floor and bring you some stuff...okay?"  
_

My heart dropped and swelled at the same time._  
_

_"You don't have to-"_ she put a finger to my lips._  
_

_"Shh...I want to. With you and for you, Britt Britt. Let me take care of you."  
_

I nodded and climbed back in the shower.

This was going to be hard...who knew that I had so many walls?

Who knew that I was such a stickler for formalities?

I always thought that I was a random person but the more that I get to know myself as I am now, I realize that most of the things that I do and say...I think about first.

I'm a thinker...shocker!

* * *

Ana and I were headed out of the house with our luggage when a shiny red SUV identical to the one Ana had back in New York pulled into the driveway. _  
_

Ana shot me a glance and then smiled really huge as she walked faster towards the driveway.

I pulled my suitcase and slowly tried to follow since I was still completely sore.

I stopped on the side of the driveway and watched as Ana walked over to the driver side and pulled the door open.

_"Tio! I thought you wouldn't show! I stalled Britt as long as I could."_

Tio Gene stepped out of the car and then came around the door and wrapped her in his arms.

_"Anita...I missed you so much!"_ he kissed her face and then pulled back and looked over her shoulder at me.

Ana turned and waved me over.

_"Come over here, Britt. You remember Tio Gene don't you?"_

I nodded and walked over hoping not to be swallowed up in that big of a hug.

He simply leaned in and kissed my cheek before stepping back and looking between the two of us.

_"You didn't tell her did you?"_ Tio Gene said as he looked at Ana.

_"No...it was a surprise."_

_"Well...hurry and surprise her...I don't have all day."_

* * *

Ana turned to me and wrapped her arms around my waist.

_"Ok Britt Britt...so...I have totally missed your last two birthdays, two Christmases and a mothers' day...so I got you a present."_

Sometimes...when I'm nervous...I slip into that dumb blonde routine.

Force of habit I guess.

_"What's the present?"_

Ana looked at me wide eyed but then nodded in recognition of my nerves.

_"This is your new SUV...I wanted you to be able to go wherever you wanted without having to worry about anyone else. I know how much you miss having your own truck...so this is yours."_ she was so excited.

I wrapped my arms around her and fought back the tears.

I totally didn't deserve such an extravagant gift.

But looking back, I should be used to it...because when hasn't Ana splurged on me...even when it was with her dad's credit card.

_"I can't believe you did this. Thank you!"_

_"Do you like it? We can change it if you don't."_ Ana looked nervous as she looked into my eyes.

_"No...I love it...I'm just in shock."_

_"Well...I was going to...I set it up so that you would get it when we came back from the lake house but then I thought that you should be able to drive it, now if you wanted."_

_"So I can drive back to New York, too?_" That excited me...because I hated to fly.

_"Yea...you can drive us home."_

_"Us?"_

My mouth hung open...this was all so overwhelming.

Did she mean what I thought she meant?

_"If this week goes well...then we are probably going to come home with you."_

No pressure.

Shit...I had to make this week work.

Starting now!

* * *

We packed the back of my new truck and I climbed into the driver seat.

I had never seen this lake house that played a huge part in Ana's life.

I knew this is where Marco raped her, I knew that it was the only thing she asked for in her divorce.

I knew that it meant something major to her.

And I knew all of this because Rachel told me after Quinn had told her.

Ana had never come right out and told me anything about the house.

And I never asked.

It was her story to tell.

And she just didn't.

I wasn't upset about it though.

Marco's dead now and the house is hers.

He won't come jumping out to surprise her or anything.

Besides this would be my opportunity to help her through any lingering emotions.

We would make new memories here...hopefully good enough to take all her bad feelings away.

* * *

I was amazed at the beauty of this little nook of Ohio.

My family didn't do much exploring of the state we had been living in for five years.

I grew up in Chicago surrounded by huge towers and just a lot of cool people.

My parents though, were sick of the city and the crime.

That's how we ended up in Lima.

Ana though had grown up here, so these kind of places were common for her.

She's more country than she ever cares to admit.

I was coming to realize that the idea of the city was an adventure for her, while for me it was almost like returning home.

It's why I thrived there while she was constantly escaping to Sandra's and now back to Lima.

She was and will always be a country girl.

Seeing her step out of the car looking so peaceful made that amazingly clear.

It was like I was seeing Ana for the first time.

_"Ready to go in?"_

I looked over and Ana held her hand out for me.

_"What about the luggage?"_

I was suddenly nervous about going inside and so I was stalling.

_"We can get it later...I want to take you by the lake before the sun goes down."_

Her eyes were sparkling. She was like a kid again.

It was amazing to watch. Was that how I had been before everything?

God, I missed that.

Did she?

* * *

We walked side by side along the edge of the lake silently listening to the sounds of nature.

A few ducks waddled by and I felt my heart melt a little bit.

Maybe some of the old Brittany is still in there.

_"I have a confession." _

I was brought out of my thoughts by Ana's nervous laughter.

What now?

_"Okay."_

I really didn't think there was anything that she could confess to that would rock my world but this is Santana Lopez...she always has something going on.

_"We promised no more secrets...right?"_

I stopped where we were and decided to go sit on the sand.

Ana hadn't moved from where she stood but I wasn't going back.

If she was going to lay something on me...I needed to at least be sitting because my stomach was on fire and my bones felt like they were going to shatter if I stood any longer.

I slipped out of my shoes and buried my feet into the sand.

I looked behind me and she was still standing there looking at me like I had three heads.

_"I just got out of the hospital yesterday...I need to sit...is that okay?"_

She immediately nodded and then hurried over and sat down beside me.

Her whole demeanor was guarded as she crossed her legs and then leaned forward with her elbows against her knees.

_"Are you okay, now?" _She asked as she looked me over in concern.

_"Yes...go ahead...what do you have to confess?"_

_"It's really hard for me to be so upfront with you."_

_"Why is that?" _

I understood completely how much lying and deceit played a role in our assumed happiness over the years.

I knew that I was a major player in the deception...more than she could ever imagine.

Yet, I still wanted to know why she thought it was hard to be upfront with me.

* * *

_"Bad habit, I guess. It's why I wanted to bring you here. This house is more than a bad time in my history...it's more than my rape. This house represents a part of my innocence. It represents me in my wholest and truest. I cannot hide anything from you when I'm here...it's like impossible. When I first came here before that night turned bad...I came out here with Marco and told him about my feelings for Ari. This is where I was first honest with myself out loud. It's where I first realized that I was a lesbian. So it's significant to me...does that make any sense?"_

She wanted me to know that she was being completely honest.

Got it.

She was making me anxious with this disclaimer.

_"I totally understand. That's kind of amazing. So tell me what you want to say."_

_"Yesterday...I didn't go to a meeting. I went looking for drugs."_

My heart stopped.

I put a hand to my chest and tried to breathe through the sharp pain.

Ana looked at me with wild eyes as she read my expression.

I was utterly speechless.

This was all my fault.

I brought so much drama to her while she tried to recover.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

* * *

_"Say something...please?" _Ana pleaded with me.

_"I...did you...tell me what happened?"_

Ichoked out.

My throat was dry and my palms were sweaty.

I rubbed them over the legs of my jeans and then looked at her again.

There was a guarded look in her eyes as she looked down at her hands and then looked back up at me.

_"I was going to head to a meeting...but then I kind of ended up in West Lima looking for Harry K to see if he had anything on him."_

_"As in Harry Karofsky? Dave's older brother? What were you thinking?!" _

I didn't mean to yell...I had never yelled at her over her drugs...at least not since that one time at Sandra's.

She looked at me with a shame in her eyes...I had never seen that.

She was open and vulnerable.

Her honestly was shining through.

* * *

_"I wasn't thinking. I ended up in a bar...I didn't know it was owned by Ari's brother Jovanny...he got Carlos to drive me back to the house once he knew what I was planning to do."_

_"Thank God for small miracles."_

_"Yea...I'm glad that he stopped me...because looking back now...I didn't even really want the stupid drugs."_

_"You smoked cigarettes though?"_

She hesitated as she looked at me in shock.

But she didn't deny it as she nodded.

_"Yea...only a couple of them."_

_"I thought I smelled it on you last night."_

_"You did?" _

Ana had stopped smoking so long ago that sometimes I forget that she was a big chain smoker and that she had just stopped one day on her own.

Cigarettes were always something she did casually and she knew how much I disliked them.

I never complained though.

I wasn't even going to bring it up.

The night before when she came to bed...her hands smelled like stale cigarettes even though I knew that she had washed them.

It made me wonder if that was the only cigarette that she had yesterday.

_"When did you smoke?"_

_"I snuck away to smoke sometime before Susan got to the house and then again on my walk towards the bar. I stole the cigarettes from Noah."_

_"Is that why Izzy was wheezy yesterday? And this morning? Did you smoke this morning?"_

She dropped her head and brought her hands to cover her face as she nodded.

I didn't run away, I just got up on my knees and moved over to her.

She was crying heavily and trying to explain things with her hands over her face so her words only came out as garbled sounds.

I wrapped my arms around her.

_"Shhh...it's okay...I'm not angry...just breathe okay."_

_"I'm so sorry." _She whispered as she buried her head against my chest.

_"I forgive you...okay...thank you for being honest. Thank you for not keeping that from me."_

_"I'm such a fuck up."_

I rubbed her back and hugged her close to me.

_"Shhh...promise me something, Ana."_

_"Anything." _She whispered as she pulled back and looked up into my eyes.

_"Promise me that you won't say things like that anymore...not this week especially. We have to stay positive. Okay?"_

_"I'll try."_

_"No...that's not good enough. I need you to promise me...because nobody is a bigger fuck up than me right now and not even I am saying those kind of things. Got it?"_

She wiped at her tears and then looked up at me with open, trusting eyes.

_"Okay, Britt Britt...I promise."_

_"And the drugs...are you done with them? Did rehab not help?"_

_"I'm done. Rehab was the best thing that ever happened to me...I guess I just...I needed something...I needed to forget things...but I realize now that just because I may forget them for a moment doesn't mean that they go away."_

_"Yea."_

* * *

I held her there on that sand, encouraging her to be open and honest with me always for almost an hour.

The sun had gone down and the crickets were starting to chirp as we made our way back up to the house.

I stood on the porch while Ana went down to the car and brought both of our suitcases up towards me since I couldn't really lift anything yet.

She leaned up and kissed my cheek before unlocking the door.

The whole house smelled spring like and fresh.

Ana must of seen my face as I stepped inside the gorgeous house.

_"I had someone come clean the house last week. I didn't want there to be any dust or mold to agitate Isaac's asthma."_

I chuckled as I thought of the irony behind that statement because it turned out that it was her that ended up doing just that anyway.

_"This house is beautiful...and it's all yours?"_

_"Yes. All mine...but when we get married again...officially...it will be ours."_

_"Really?"_ I was shocked that she was going to let me have a piece of this house. _"You don't have to do that."_

_"But I want to. I want to share everything with you. I mean even my car is in both of our names."_

_"Is the new truck?"_

_"No...that's yours. It's a gift from me."_

_"So that if we don't work out...I have my own stuff?"_

_"I didn't even think about that...I don't want to."_

She smiled at me and then led me into the kitchen and opened up the fridge.

It was fully stocked.

_"Quinn came out here and did some shopping for me...looks like she got everything."_

_"Wow."_

_"What?" _

She looked at me with a nervous smile as she started pulling food out to make dinner.

_"I guess...Grady pointed something out to me...that I never noticed before. Now I do...I guess."_

The moment that his name crossed my lips her face fell.

Why did I bring it up?

We were having a good moment.

* * *

Ana didn't ask what it was that Grady had said.

Either she didn't want to know or she was trying to salvage the moment.

She moved to the stove and started to boil some water and then came back to the counter and pulled out a huge knife and cutting board.

Her mind was moving a million miles a minute...she was obviously upset.

Then just as she was about to start preparing things she froze and looked up at me with cold eyes.

_"I totally understand what you meant yesterday about the hovering...why don't you take the elevator upstairs with our luggage...and unpack. Our room is the one with the black door."_

There was an elevator?

Crazy.

She pointed towards the closet next to the stairs and then looked back down at the food.

_"Are you angry about me mentioning Grady?"_

She looked up at me and stared at me for a long moment before looking back down at the food.

_"No...I'm not angry that you mentioned him."_

_"Could you try looking at me when you lie to me?"_ I said as I inserted myself between her and the counter.

She looked up at me and then placed the knife on the counter and put her hands on my arms.

_"Fine...I'm a little upset...but it's not because you mentioned him. I think...I'm just mad at him and what he did to you."_

_"He didn't do anything that I didn't allow him to."_

I put a finger under her chin and leaned in to kiss her but she pulled back.

* * *

_"No...not while we are talking about him."_ She said as she looked in my eyes.

_"Fine."_ I said as I tried to step away but her hands came down and she had them braced on the countertop blocking me in.

_"He manipulated you, Brittany...I don't really think you had a say in doing that."_

_"Fine...we don't have to talk about this."_

_"Fine."_

_"I'm going to unpack."_ I whispered.

She stepped back and let me step away.

And just like that the aura of happiness had been cracked and shattered because of what I had said and done.

Hopefully this was the only issue that we encountered because I really thought that we were making progress.

One step forward, two steps back.

* * *

The elevator wasn't even that cool...it went up one floor and looked like it was older than my parents.

Maybe Grady was wrong about Ana.

Why had I even listened to him in the first place?

I took my time unpacking the luggage into the two huge dressers and into the closet.

Everything in the bedroom, screamed Ana.

It was black and silver, sleek and sexy.

From what I imagined, the house didn't look much like it had when it belonged to Marco or his parents.

She had gotten it redecorated.

It looked like she had a lot of money sunk into it too.

I took the opportunity to look at the other rooms and saw that Izzy had his own room and so did Dani.

The rooms were painted and looked like the kids lived in them everyday.

If I didn't have the show on Broadway, I would probably suggest that we just live in this house.

I was in love with it.

* * *

As I walked back towards the kitchen, I saw Ana in her element.

She had the salsa music blaring and was dancing around the kitchen as she stirred pots and poked at some stuff in a frying pan.

This was when she was the most like Gladys.

She belted out some lines of the song and then turned in place a few times.

Hearing her sing in Spanish was just too awesome for words.

I stood against the opposite counter just watching her put on her own mini concert.

Grady was so wrong about her.

And I should have known better.

It took a whole five minutes before she actually realized that I was standing there.

I smiled at her and she smiled back.

We didn't speak.

I just watched as she piled used dishes next to the sink.

I wanted to keep myself busy and get back in her good graces so I rinsed the dishes and piled them in the dishwasher.

We didn't speak.

Moving around each other was something that we had perfected.

No words were needed.

I just quietly cleaned up while she served us.

By the time that she served up our two plates, the kitchen looked spotless and the dishwasher was ready for our used plates when we finished eating.

* * *

We sat together at the dining room table and held hands as I prayed over the food.

Once the formalities were out of the way.

Ana was ready.

_"What did he say about me?"_

I looked at her and tried to smile.

Even though I expected her to ask me at some point...after the way she looked earlier, I was nervous to even think about Grady in her presence anymore.

He had been wrong.

_"He told me that you are stuck up snob...that you don't even notice that the people around you aren't all rich and you rub it in their faces."_

_"So YOU think that I'm a stuck up snob?"_

Ana put her fork down and then tented her fingers as she leaned over her plate with eyes centered on me.

She was trying to hold in her anger.

_"NO! You aren't...you are the most generous person that I know!"_

_"Then what did you mean by that comment, Brittany?" _

She looked like she wanted to cry.

_"I guess I just...I have never noticed how you are with your money...until I was cut off and I didn't have you to buy me things. Then you bought me a car like nothing. I had nothing while you were gone. It was kind of hard. You have never had to go through that, Ana...you don't know what it's like being without."_

_"And that makes me a snob? Will our children be snobs then too because guess what they are barely walking and they both have trust funds bigger than most people make in three years. Will they be stuck up?" _

I had really screwed this up.

_"No. Not with you as their mother. You aren't stuck up. I guess. I just...it's just...I don't know how to explain it."_

_"Then don't. Everything you say just makes it worse. Yes...I have money...I'm rich okay...but I don't splurge. I don't flaunt it. I live on a budget. I know how to go without...because guess what...I have been surrounded by people who have never let me forget that I am just lucky to have had my father die and give me his money. Yes I grew up in that house...but I was raised in Lima Heights in my Abuela's little house. My best friend, Ari shared a her little house with all those brothers and her parents. I never judged her...made her feel less than. So Grady can kiss my fucking ass! I work hard to stay afloat because money means nothing! I would give it all away if it meant that I would be happy, sober, that my kids would be healthy. If it meant that you never had to suffer again."_

She was angrily stabbing at her chicken now as she went on and on about how unselfish she was.

I agreed with every word and realized that the comment that I had made...was stupid.

Grady didn't know Ana.

But I did.

Good going blondie!

* * *

I loaded the dishwasher with our plates while Ana talked on the phone to her mom.

She had gone off onto the back porch with her remaining cigarettes and shut the sliding door so that I couldn't hear her.

But I still could.

She was yelling in Spanish and crying.

There was a whole smoke cloud surrounding her.

I wasn't going to complain about it.

There were worse things she could be doing.

I heard her say Grady's name and then mine a few times.

Once I was done with the kitchen, I decided that maybe I should just give Ana her space, so I headed upstairs to take a shower.

Our bedroom was in the front of the house, just above the porch and with the windows open, I could hear her clearly.

Luckily there were no neighbors for miles.

She was just crying now though.

It was heartbreaking but I was afraid to go near her.

I took the world's quickest shower and began to get dressed in my warmest pajamas.

The whole house was air conditioned and it was colder than even I could stand...but I was afraid to say anything to Ana.

I had just finished putting on my slippers when I felt her presence.

I looked up and she was standing in the doorway of the room, looking like the whole world had come crashing down.

* * *

_"Tell me how to fix this."_ I whispered.

_"My walls are down Brittany...I'm so open to you right now...I want this to work. I just...I don't understand why you would say that to me." _

The cigarettes had made her voice thicker and a little deeper.

Somehow sexier but now wasn't the time to think like that.

_"I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't mean it how it sounded."_

_"Then how did you mean it?"_ She whispered as she leaned against the door frame looking defeated.

_"I don't even know. I have been going over and over in my head what I was even thinking at that moment and I don't even know. All I know is that I love you so much and I can see now how much he was wrong about you."_

_"Did you not see it before when he said it to you?"_

_"Come sit with me."_

_"No. I can't be next to you right now, B. I need to stay right here."_

It felt like she stabbed me in the chest.

I hated when she purposely kept her distance from me.

It hurt.

* * *

_"Ouch." _I said as I crossed my legs under me and looked at her._ "Fine. Okay. Look...I'm used to it."_

_"What?!" _she screeched.

_"You have to know...all the guys that I have dated...Artie...Finn and Grady...they all talked shit about you. I just thought it was normal. I just never really listened with Artie and Finn...but somehow Grady got into my head. He got me when I felt outcast by you and your family. You have always spoiled me...before we were even dating you bought me this bracelet." _I held out the silver bracelet that was on my left wrist...the friendship bracelet that matched the one she wore._ "So I got bitter and started to agree with him. I just wanted you to save me...be my knight. When I was on that table at the clinic...I kept hoping that somehow you would somehow know and would come running through the door to save me. You knew that I was pregnant, you knew that I had no money."_

She held up her hand and shook her head.

_"No...actually I didn't really know about that. I didn't know about you being cut off until after you had the abortion, until YOU told me. I would never have cut you off but as rich as your boy toy thought I was...I have limitations. I don't control the money...Sandra does...and she saw right through him. She knew that he was going to try and take everything from you. She was protecting our family and you believe it or not...and once he knew that you were cut off...once he knew he couldn't get a penny out of you...he left you."_

_"That's a lie." _I slapped a hand over my mouth.

Where had that come from?

Why was I defending Grady?

_"What? You think that I'm lying to you? You think he cared about you Britt? Really?"_

_"Yes." _

I was crying now as I put a hand to my stomach, where my baby should be.

Ana finally walked closer to me but I shook my head...I needed the space now.

_"Britt." _she whispered as she came closer. _"I wouldn't lie to you about this. I love you."_

And my resolve broke.

I let her wrap her arms around me.

I cried against her like I had been avoiding all day long.

So much for ignoring the hurt in my soul.


	17. Chapter 17:Rescue Me

**Chapter 17: Rescue Me (Daughtry)**

* * *

**_And my resolve broke._**

**_I let her wrap her arms around me._**

**_I cried against her like I had been avoiding all day long._**

**_So much for ignoring the hurt in my soul._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The thing about my relationship that I was really starting to like is that Ana has learned my limit and will stop an argument before it escalates to something more.

She eventually let me go and stepped back from me.

_"Look...there is a lot that we need to work through...maybe we need to just sleep and then tomorrow we can talk about this."_ She said as she began to undress herself.

_"I would prefer to not talk about it at all."_ I said as I wiped away my tears.

_"That's not really an option."_

_"Why not?"_

She stood there completely naked and put her hands on her hips.

She wasn't so intimidating when she had no clothes on.

_"Because our relationship is never going to grow if we push stuff away...that's what we have always done and it doesn't work for us."_

_"Fine. I'm going to bed. Goodnight." _

I didn't even look at her as I climbed under the covers and pulled them over my head.

She stormed into the bathroom to shower, slamming the door in the process.

She was hurt.

And me?

I was fucking frustrated.

* * *

I woke up in the middle of the night because my stomach was on fire.

Ana was laying completely still on the other side of the bed hugging a pillow to her chest.

Usually she was against me but not this time.

I had been replaced.

There was now an obvious divide.

I got up from the bed and stumbled into the bathroom.

Feeling really weak.

The moment that I sat on the toilet I felt an immense pain hit my stomach.

_"Oh God."_ I whispered.

My legs were shaking and my body felt sweaty.

I was bleeding really bad and was really thinking that the hysterectomy was a good idea.

They told me that it was the only way that this would stop.

I was just so scared.

After about ten minutes, when the pain calmed down a little bit, I got up and rinsed off in the shower.

I was nauseous and ended up vomiting up dinner all over the bottom of the tub.

I turned on the water and started to rinse everything away.

This was not good.

There was a knock at the door that I had locked.

_"Leave me alone, please?"_ I muttered.

_"Please let me in."_ Ana begged quietly.

_"No. Just go back to bed. I'm fine."_ I yelled before gagging and throwing up again.

_"I can't sleep knowing that you're sick."_

_"I'm fine...just leave me alone...please...I'm fucking...fi-"_ I gagged before throwing up and then took a deep breath. _"Just go!"_

_"I have the key."_

_"Fine...it's your house!" _

I stood shakily onto my feet after rinsing the tub out once more and then flushed the toilet before standing at the sink.

_"Fuck...come on! Don't be like this!" _

She was pleading with me but I really didn't want to hear it.

I rinsed out my mouth and looked at my pale reflection.

I looked like a ghost.

How could she still find me desirable?

* * *

When I finally opened the door, I saw Ana sitting on the edge of the bed looking up at me with watery eyes.

_"Why wouldn't you let me in?"_ she asked.

_"Because I don't want to be babied. I just want to deal with this on my own."_

_"Why? I'm here, B. You can lean on me!"_ She said as she stood to her feet and walked towards me.

I shook my head and walked towards the head of the bed and climbed back into my spot.

She climbed over me and laid right next to me and tried to put her arms around me so that she could hold me.

_"Stop it, Ana. Just go back to holding your pillow."_

_"Is that what this is about?"_ She said as she sat up and looked at me.

_"No...this is about me needing to take care of myself."_ I mumbled into my pillow and then turned my face away from her.

_"I can't sleep like this...can we talk about it." _

_"About what? About the fact that I can't lean on you. I tried it for one day...just one damned day and you needed to run to drugs...then when I'm honest with you like you were with me...you flipped out and ran crying to Gladys and your precious cigarettes. I don't really want to deal with this shit at three in the morning, Santana. So I'm going to sleep. I'm sick and I'm so fucking tired."_ I said in frustration before slamming my eyes shut and curling up around another pillow.

I was in pain still.

Ana didn't say another word.

She turned off the lamp on her bedside and then crawled back into the bed.

We were not starting this vacation out on the right foot.

* * *

When I woke up, the sun was shining directly on my face and Ana was gone.

I climbed from the bed and nearly fell over from the pain that I was in.

I sat back down on the edge of the bed and pressed my shaky hands to my head.

I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

My head was pounding and I felt like I just wanted to die.

I finally stood up and used the wall and dresser to make it to the bathroom.

My morning experience had made my middle of the night experience seem like a picnic.

I had gotten worse and this time I was crying.

I tried to stand in the shower but ended up on my knees because standing was way too hard.

When I watched the blood on the bottom of the tub, my mind flashed back to Quinn telling me about Ana's miscarriage and how she was in this exact same position.

She had conceived that baby in this very house.

I was such an asshole.

I didn't realize that I had left the door open until I heard a noise.

I looked over and there she stood in the doorway looking pale and sad.

Was she remembering her own experiences?

When our eyes met she tried to smile but it didn't work.

_"Please."_ she said softly.

It was one word, softly spoken but it spoke volumes to me.

I nodded but didn't speak.

The pain was just to much...I couldn't form any words.

I was beyond them.

* * *

Ana knelt on the side of the tub and turned the water on, I hadn't gotten that far on my own.

I ignored the smell of smoke coming off of her because this was bigger than that.

She would stop again, I was sure of it.

I just needed her right now.

That's all I knew for sure.

This was the wrong time to try and establish my independence.

I needed her more than she needed me right now but she was acting like I was doing her a favor by letting her help.

How's that for generous?

_"What are you feeling?"_

_"Pain...and I can't stand."_ I said quietly.

_"I'm going to call Dr. Jindahl." _

_"I don't want to go back to the hospital, Ana. Please?"_

_"Britt...I think you need that surgery as soon as possible. I think that you need to call Tony and tell him. Tell your bosses. You need more time off. If they were willing to put time off for Ari and her cancer...then they can wait for you too." _

She was right...why hadn't I thought of that?

_"Okay...just...please...make the pain stop."_ I begged her.

All that pride and anger went right out of the window with the way that I was feeling.

Pain will do that to you.

* * *

_"Okay...I just got off the phone with Dr. Jindahl...he and your gynecologist want us to go straight to the hospital. He said that your bleeding should have stopped by now and if you don't go to the hospital and do the surgery today...that you may start hemorrhaging again. He said that they will meet us at St. Andrews Hospital in an hour."_

I was sitting in the center of the bed, starting to feel my medicine kick in.

At this point I didn't care what happened just as long as they found a way to make this pain stop.

_"Can you call Tony?"_

I wasn't ashamed to ask for anything at this point.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Please?"_

_"Okay...give me your phone."_

I handed her my phone and then laid back on the pillow and closed my eyes.

Ana climbed up on the bed beside me and threw her arm around me so I just moved my head to her lap.

She brushed her fingers through my hair and it felt so amazing.

I was quiet as I listened to the phone ring over the speaker.

_"It's going to be okay, Britt Britt. I'm going to be here for you every step of the way."_

* * *

The line clicked on and then Tony's chipper voice came blasting through.

_"Hey B! How's vacation."_

_"Tony, it's Santana...listen do you have a minute?"_

_"Um...yea...hold on a sec."_

There was shuffling and then I heard a door shut.

_"Okay...I'm back. What's going on?"_

_"I'm here with Britt...she's not doing to well. She's going to the hospital today for surgery and is going to need more time off."_

There was silence and then he cleared his throat.

_"She's there with you?"_

I leaned over until I was closer to the phone.

_"Hey Tony."_ I whispered.

_"Wow you do sound like shit."_

_"Thanks."_

_"So a surgery? Is this because of the um...you know because of Grady?"_

_"Yea...I'm getting a hysterectomy. It's going to be a little while before I can dance again."_

_"Yea...I can imagine. Look...the show is on its last leg. If we stall anymore, they are going to pull funding. Can you at least be around to consult Ari?"_

I looked up at Ana and she cleared her throat.

_"This a major surgery Tony. She needs a week to heal and then it will be months before she is back to her old dancing habits. Can you maybe train the guys for another week? Then we will be back."_

_"Okay...just one more week though. I can't hold this show up by myself forever."_

_"Thank you so much Tony! I swear I'll come back and make those girls amazing."_

_"Just get better B. Take good care of her Santana!"_

_"Always!"_

* * *

I sat quietly in the passenger seat of my truck and listened to Ana's nervous humming.

She always did that when she was holding back what she wanted to say.

_"What is it?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"What are you trying not to say?"_

_"Do you want to give this a shot?"_

_"Driving? No thanks."_

_"No...silly...us. What if I come back to New York with you at the end of the week and you let me take care of you. Let me be your wife again."_

_"Is this because of the surgery because I really don't want your pity?"_

_"This has nothing to do with pity. We have to get it together. Life is way too short."_ her voice broke and she angrily wiped a tear away.

_"Are you afraid of losing me?"_

_"Of course I am!"_ she yelled. _"It's just not fair! You are nineteen years old! It's just wrong!"_

I put a hand on her knee and rubbed soothingly.

_"It's okay, Ana. I'll be fine."_

_"I would carry the baby for you...if you asked me."_

_"Biological doesn't matter to me. I still wouldn't get to experience being pregnant. It's fine."_

_"I just don't like that you are suffering."_ she was sobbing now.

_"Come back with me, Ana. Marry me."_

She pulled into the hospital parking lot and then looked at me with wide eyes.

_"What?!"_

_"I don't want to waste time working in something that we already know how to do. We can be amazing. Come back to New York as my fiancé."_

_"Okay. Yes."_

_"Let's keep it between us for now...for once."_

She nodded and then leaned over the console and pulled me into her arms.

She kissed my neck and then moved up to my face and kissed my lips.

She tasted sweet and salty.

The kiss was perfect.

* * *

When we got to my hospital room, I somehow wasn't surprised when my mom and Gladys were sitting there waiting for us.

Of course they would be.

I was grateful for it.

Especially for Gladys who had been through this before.

She looked at me with sad eyes as she wrapped me in a hug before running her hand over my cheek.

_"I love you."_

_"I love you too, Ma...thanks for being here."_

I changed into one of those uncomfortable hospital gowns and then sat in bed waiting for the nurse to come.

I was still in intense pain that didn't seem to be going away.

Ana sat beside me and held my hand the entire time that we waited.

Our mothers kept looking at us with raised brows and knowing smirks on their faces.

I was tempted to tell them about the engagement but thought it wasn't the best time.

I still wanted to do it right...I just had to go into surgery knowing that she would be waiting for me.

That I still had my family.

* * *

I cannot stress enough just how much I hate hospitals.

Everything about them puts me on edge.

But having Ana there with me, holding my hand and explaining things to me made it bearable.

The doctors came in and tried explaining the procedure to me but it was all Chinese as far as I was concerned.

I didn't understand a thing but between Ana and Gladys, things became clearer.

And when the time came and I had to be hooked up to the IV and was being wheeled to the operating room, Ana promised to be there when I woke up.

I felt safe and protected every step of the way.

I went into that life changing surgery feeling comfortable and relaxed.

I knew then that marrying Ana was more important to me than any freedoms that I had thought that I was in danger of losing.

The truth was...I felt more free and alive with her, than without her.

* * *

The first thing that I realized when I came to was the amount of pain that I was in.

The second thing I realized was that Ana was sitting right beside my bed watching me with tired eyes.

_"Hi."_

My throat was raw and dry as I turned my head towards her.

_"Hey B...how do you feel?"_

_"Sore."_

_"That's to be expected. They are coming to give you meds in like ten minutes. You look thirsty...here have some water."_

She lifted a cup with a twisty straw and put it to my lips.

I drank down the water until I emptied the cup.

_"More?"_ I asked.

Ana refilled the cup twice more before I was done.

She smiled down at me with sad eyes as she adjusted the bed so that I was angled just a little bit.

I had to remain almost flat for the next 72 hours.

Something about the healing process.

I didn't argue because the majority of the pain was gone.

It still hurt like crazy but it wasn't as bad as it was before the surgery.

This just felt like all my muscles were just heavy and sore.

I looked at Ana who was sitting there with a book in her hand.

Her journal that she called Henry.

_"How am I?"_ I asked quietly.

_"It went how it was supposed to go and the doctors are confident that with your age and health that you should be back to dancing in about two weeks. If everything goes well then we can leave here in two days."_

_"Wow."_ I whispered.

_"Yea."_

_"You are thinking too much...talk to me about it?"_

_"I want to buy that house that we were talking about."_

I looked at her in shock because the surgery was over, I didn't actually think that she'd still want to go through with getting back together.

_"Okay."_

_"I sent my sisters with Rachel to scout out some apartments for us that are near your job. Places with garages. I was thinking maybe we could move into an apartment while you are healing and we are reconnecting. Then we could get married when the time is right and we can move into a house after that."_

She looked at me with open, hopeful eyes.

The old Brittany would have stalled this conversation but I was tired of putting things off.

_"Sounds good."_ I said as I reached my hand out, I was sincere.

I was a little scared to jump back into things but I knew that this was what needed to happen for us to love each other better.

We need each other and I think that somewhere along the way, we forgot that.

Seeing her face told me that I had responded in just the right way.

She smiled really huge and took my hand in hers.

It seemed like I had made her day.

* * *

I spent most of my time after surgery, sleeping and listening to the music from the show.

I had long ago made a dance for each one but now we had a ballroom dance that I had never talked over with Tony.

It was supposed to be a mix of a tango, salsa, hip hop and ballroom dance all wrapped in one.

I had ideas but I wasn't sure that I could do them.

I was hoping what with Ari's help I could talk her through what I wanted to do.

If we could do that then this play would begin to take shape better.

The day that I got out of the hospital, was the first time that I actually walked on my own.

It felt like I was using someone else's legs and feet.

I couldn't get them to cooperate with me and almost ended up like Bambi, sliding all over the place.

I was happy to be headed back to the lake house and not to Lima.

The kids were there now with Quinn and Puck.

I was excited that Ana wouldn't have to take care of the kids alone while taking care of me since I was on bed rest for the next few days.

I hated being a burden on anyone, especially Ana, but I had learned at some point to just give in and let her take care of me like I needed.

Like she needed.

It's in Ana's nature to take care of the people around her...it's been the main issue in our relationship.

Within the last two years she has needed people more than she ever has which really put a strain on our relationship but it's like we are going back to the way that things are supposed to be between us.

She needs to feel like people need her and want her and if I can do that for her...then I will.

* * *

_"Mama? I sleep too."_ I turned my head and saw Izzy standing next to me looking up at me with his big blue eyes.

_"You want to nap with me?"_

He nodded his head and reached up to me but I couldn't pick him up.

_"Ana? Babe? Can you come here a sec?"_ I called out into the kitchen.

I had been laying on the futon in the living room watching Dumbo while she made lunch with Quinn.

Ana came into the room, wiping her hand on her little apron and smiling at me.

_"What do you need?"_ she asked as she walked over to me and kissed my forehead before pushing my hair back from my face.

_"I can't lift him. Izzy wants to nap with me."_

She looked down at our son and smiled.

_"Is that right, Papa?"_

_"Si, Mami."_ he said with his arms outstretched to her.

Ana picked him up and plopped him down onto the edge of the futon, took off his shoes and pants before tucking him between me and the pillows along the wall.

_"Okay you two...lunch will be ready in an hour...so if you are napping...get a move on."_

Izzy must have been really tired, because within minutes he was curled against me fast asleep.

I was in a daze as I watched the flying elephant on the screen.

My mind had been foggy the last few days and nothing seemed to keep my attention very long.

I also slept a lot.

I could see the worry in Ana's eyes when she looked at me but I couldn't reach past my own thoughts.

I fought like hell though...to be as present as possible.

* * *

_"Hey B."_

Time had skipped somehow...because now I was sitting on the back porch staring out at the lake.

I looked up and out came Ana, holding a sleeping Dani in her arms.

_"Hey."_ I whispered.

_"Can we come sit with you?"_

_"Of course."_

I tried to smile and then slid over to make room.

Ana sat down right next to me and put her feet up on the coffee table.

She readjusted the baby so that she was on her back and snuggled against Ana's chest.

I watched the ducks as they floated across the water and fell back into my own head.

I'm not sure just how long we sat there not talking but after a while, I realized that Ana was humming softly as she played with Dani's delicate blonde curls.

_"So tomorrow is Saturday."_ Ana said quietly.

She immediately had my attention...the week was over?

I looked into her eyes for what felt like the first time in an eternity and saw the worry behind them.

_"Already?"_

_"Yea...Quinn and Puck are leaving in the morning. She's got to get back to New York...her classes start on Monday. She moves into her apartment tomorrow."_

_"Apartment? I thought she was in a dorm?" _

I was trying really hard to catch my brain up with reality.

_"You don't remember, do you? Noah asked me to borrow money for the deposit on an apartment in SoHo. It was just a few days ago over brunch?"_

I shook my head and sucked my lip between my teeth.

My mind really hadn't been paying attention...it was like that movie Click were his remote skips time and he's on auto pilot...I wasn't really here.

_"I don't."_

_"That's fine...it's okay."_

She looked at me with even more concern now.

_"It's not...you are getting really worried about me...I don't like that I'm making you so stressed."_

I reached a hand up and rested it on her cheek.

She leaned into my touch and closed her eyes.

_"I just miss you, Britt. I miss my best friend...there's so much that I can't talk about right now. Not while you are working through the things in your head. I'm just giving you the space that you need."_

I pulled my hand away and put my arm around her and pulled her in against me.

She looked like she was in heaven in my arms.

It gave me the confidence to say what I needed to say next.

_"I'm not going to break, Santana. If anything...allowing me to be in my head for too long might make me worse. I need to start living again. I need to be apart of life again. I'm upset that I didn't spend anytime with our friends. When we go back to the city...I need to be in charge of things at work and I can't do that if I'm in my head all the time. So starting right now...I need you to help me get back to living. Can you do that?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good. I knew that I could count on you to help me with this."_

She smiled at me and then stood to her feet.

_"I'm going to put her in bed and then the four of us are going to hang out...how's that sound?"_

_"Like a plan."_ I smiled at her and watched her walk into the house with a happy look on her face.

* * *

This was going to help not just me but her too.

She needed to feel needed.

I was asking her to help me.

I didn't do that often.

Now though, I didn't care about the games...I needed her and I knew that she wouldn't let me down.

I took a deep breath and looked back at the water.

The ducks were on the other side of the water now...they had pushed across the water despite the darkness that was now swallowing the lake and I would do the same thing.

I would get to the other side of my darkness.

And with Ana's help, hopefully, I wouldn't look back.

* * *

That night as the kids all slept soundly, the four of us went back out onto the porch with no goal in mind but hanging out.

What I got out of it was much more.

It was a stepping stone towards my future.

_"So...what is the plan when you guys get back to New York?"_ I asked as I sipped on my lemonade.

Puck smiled and then looked over at Quinn.

They had a super close bond these days and it was good to see after all the stuff that happened in high school.

_"Quinn and I got an apartment together...we are going to raise Beth together. We wanted Rachel to move in but she insisted that she needed to have space and with her crazy schedule it wasn't good for her to be in the house with Beth."_

_"Are you guys that close now? That you can live together?"_ I asked as I popped a pretzel into my mouth.

I had addressed the question at Quinn who had a lot of different relationship issues in the last few years.

Ana was sitting side by side with Puck while I rested my feet on Quinn's lap.

She was rubbing my feet.

_"We are in such a mature place. With Noah in just finishing the academy and him having full custody of Beth now...he's really changed. He's like my best friend now." _Ana elbowed her and she corrected herself._ "Other best friend."_

Ana smiled and popped a chip into her mouth looking satisfied.

_"I'm excited for you guys. If you need any help let us know."_

_"You guys have already done so much."_ Puck said with a wink.

_"Okay...enough of the sappy shit...I'm way too sober for this!"_ Ana said suddenly.

We all broke out into laughter.

After that we had a mini jam session, sang and gossiped about the other glee club members.

It was relaxing and I managed to be present in the moment, the entire time.

* * *

Hanging out with Quinn and Puck was definitely something that I didn't realize I needed so badly.

Plus...when we went to bed that night.

For the first time in days...Ana didn't get nervous when she held me.

We ended up making out for a while and even got close to going all the way but then Dani decided to wake up and be hungry.

It's good to know though that we are that close to being ourselves again.

We were at a place that I didn't think we would ever get back to.

We were best friends again.

And now...we were remembering to be a couple.

We were seeing that if we couldn't rely on each other than there was no sense in even being together.

And after the way she kissed me...I knew that she wanted this as badly as I did.

* * *

**_A/N: It's getting fluffy again...God help us! ;) Review_**


	18. Chapter 18:Stay With You

**Chapter 18: Stay With You (Goo Goo Dolls)**

* * *

_**It's good to know though that we are that close to being ourselves again.**_

_**We were at a place that I didn't think we would ever get back to.**_

_**We were best friends again.**_

_**And now...we were remembering to be a couple.**_

_**We were seeing that if we couldn't rely on each other than there was no sense in even being together.**_

_**And after the way she kissed me...I knew that she wanted this as badly as I did.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**_August 30th, 2013_**

**_Henry,_**

**_My heart is so full of all this raw emotion today. _**

**_I am about to return to New York for the first time since I left rehab. _**

**_I came to Lima to rediscover myself and to get back to the person that I had set out to be. _**

**_That didn't really happen. _**

**_And I'm okay with it, because I found something much more important. I reclaimed my love for Brittany. I became a REAL mother to my children and I built a stronger relationship with Mami. _**

**_Now, I am returning...with Brittany and the kids...we are going to live together...just the four of us and I am insanely nervous about it. _**

**_The thing that has me up right now though...at 4am...is the fact that every night since her surgery, Britt has been weeping in her sleep. Not just little tears, she is hugging pillows and me sometimes and literally crying out loud. _**

**_I'm afraid to admit it...but it's scaring me. _**

**_At first I thought she was awake but she never opens her eyes and in the mornings she wakes up like nothing happened. She's been more chipper during the days and has even started to play with Daniela again. _**

**_I nearly cried when I saw them on the living room floor, crawling around together. _**

**_I know that things are going to get better between us...I just have to make sure that I do my part. _**

**_Speaking of which...w_****_hat should I do about the crying?_**

**_I'm so lost right now..._**

**_What should I do, Henry?_**

**_Off to pack...I'll come back later! _**

**_Santana._**

* * *

From the lake house we headed straight to Lima for the night so that I could get my stuff all packed into the car and so that Britt could spend some time with Susan.

It would be our first night sleeping away from each other in two whole weeks.

And even though Britt had kept me up most nights...I was dreading being away from her.

But I was hopeful that being in her old room with her parents just across the hall would provide her a comfort that I just couldn't give her.

When we got to Mami's house, Britt packed up Daniela and a few bottles of milk and dropped off just me and Isaac.

I was surprised when she said that she wanted to take Daniela but I was glad because she had seemed to prefer Isaac over the baby since the abortion.

Being with the baby would do her good.

I was sure of it.

Things were definitely changing between us and it was my hope that things would continue to change.

For the better.

* * *

The moment that Padrino saw me with Isaac, he swooped in and stole my son from me.

_"Hi to you too, Pa."_ I muttered as I followed him into the den.

He sat down on the couch and put Isaac down beside him.

_"Have a seat...we need to have a talk."_

_"Uh oh...I don't know if I like the sound of this."_

I stared into his serious expression and could just tell that I wasn't going to like this conversation.

There couldn't be much that he was upset about so it wasn't hard to narrow it down.

Next to Papi, Padrino had always been one of the most well connected men in Lima, so I knew what this was about.

_"So you went looking for Harry K?"_

_"Yes."_

_"At a bar?"_

_"Yes but thanks to a good friend...I never found him."_

_"And if you had found him...then what Santana?"_

_"I don't know." _I shrugged.

_"Were you really going to go through with it? With everything that you had riding on you staying sober?"_

I looked down at Isaac who was watching television with a giant grin on his face.

For some reason having this kind of conversation with my son right in front of me drove things home for me.

_"No. It won't happen again Pa."_

_"I'm tempted to call off the move...you have gone way too long without a father to guide you. Gladys tries to do things to keep you in line but you have never taken her seriously as you have me."_

_"But why would you do that? You and Mami have been so excited to move back to the island."_

_"We would spend a lot of our time worried about you and the kids. So...I thought that you should know that we called your realtor and bought your house."_

_"My townhouse?"_

I was in shock.

_"Yes."_

I went flying across the room and into Pa's arms.

I could tell that this wasn't the reaction that he was expecting.

I hadn't expected to be so excited either, but I was.

I missed my mother more than I realized and knowing that she would only be a few blocks away made my move back to New York less intimidating.

The talk actually ended up boosting my excitement.

_"Would you mind watching him for a while?"_ I said as I jumped to my feet.

_"You're not going to be able to pry him away from me. Go do what you need to do. Just remember, Dinner at 7."_

_"Breadstix?"_

_"Yes...now go so we can start our man time." _

He waved me off and turned up the tv.

I kissed his cheek and then rushed out of the room.

Suddenly, I couldn't wait to get to New York.

* * *

I rushed up to my bedroom and was surprised to see Tor sitting there on my bed going through a book.

I stopped short when I realized that it was Ian's journal.

_"Hey Tor."_ I said as I shut the door and looked around the room, preparing myself, just in case Sue was going to pop out from the closet.

_"I climbed the tree...you should really lock your window when you're not here."_

Tor closed the book and put it down on the bed beside her.

_"It's good to see you...when did you get back from camp?"_

I felt nervous all of a sudden.

Maybe it was the way she was staring through me like her mom had when I first met her.

Her eyes looked cold and untrusting.

_"Yesterday."_

_"It's good to see you, you look good."_

_"You're going back to New York?"_

_"Yes...in the morning."_

She raised her eyebrows and then looked down at her hands that were resting in her lap.

We had discussed that I wouldn't leave until school started but I was leaving way sooner.

She looked disappointed.

_"Will you do something with me first?"_

When she looked back up at me, I knew immediately what she wanted and even though my whole being was screaming for me not to do it...I knew that the time had come and it was necessary.

_"When do you want to go?"_ I asked as I leaned against the closed door.

_"Now. Just you and me. Izzy isn't going to remember this. Bring him when he's older. But right now...I need you to do this with me, Santana."_

_"Okay. Let me just let Padrino know and then we can go. Does Sue know where you are?"_

_"She dropped me off. I'll wait for you outside."_

_"Use the front door this time." _

I said as I opened the bedroom door for her.

How did I think I would escape this summer without having to take a trip to the cemetary?

Sometimes I can be so naive.

* * *

I climbed into Papi's old convertible with Ian's little sister sitting beside me clutching the journal.

_"How did you get that?"_

_"You know about this book?"_

_"It's Ian's journal isn't it?"_

_"It's our journal...just after his birthday last year we started to keep this one just between the two of us. When we wanted to say something that we didn't want my mom or Uncle Thomas to hear. He had a matching one just for himself...but I never found it."_

I glanced over and saw her tracing over his handwriting on the first page.

_"I have it...if you want it."_ I said as I turned onto the main road.

_"Seriously?"_

_"Yea...I haven't really read it...and I know it's coming up on a year now...this week, that he's been gone and I still can't bring myself to go through it."_

I had even taken the thing to rehab with me hoping that I could drum up the courage to go through it, but I just couldn't.

Ian's death hit me really hard and I was just starting to see the light from under that sadness.

I had just lost him before I went into that coma and then after the coma, I found out about Abuela and then I lost Brenda and the boys...so my grieving was all one fucked up ball of sadness.

I was afraid to bring up those old feelings of Ian because then I was almost certain that I would have to deal with the immense loss of my older sister and two of her sons.

And if I'm completely honest with myself...a small part of me will mourn Marco too and the baby that Britt had gotten rid of.

The cemetary was probably not the best place for me to be with everything that I've been through but I couldn't back out.

Tor needed this...and she chose me to do this with her.

She didn't understand that this would probably push me over the edge.

And I was too embarrassed to explain it to her.

This was something that I had kept putting off.

But it was now or never.

It was important to her that I be with her and I would not let her down.

* * *

I knelt on the ground at Ian's grave and pressed a hand to the cool stone in front of me.

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine his face.

His blonde hair that always shadowed over his eyes, his bright blue eyes that got all stormy grey when he was pissed off. I could even smell the distinct tanginess of his skin when he was sweating after practice...or after he had me under him in Mami's kitchen.

It wasn't meaty like Mr. Evans or overwhelming like Marco.

Ian forever reminded me of freshness.

I missed it.

Right there, in the cemetary I thought back to that day...the day when I asked him to give me Daniela.

He had just finished cutting the grass on the grounds and was coming into the kitchen for something to drink.

Mami had been out with Susan and Britt was retaking her SATs.

I had been wanting another baby really badly and we had just been in the shower together.

We had sworn to never go there again...but I needed him.

It was almost manic...my craving another baby was all that I could think about and then in walked Ian, shirtless with his hair all over the place.

Something came over me...it was probably the hormones that were still coursing through me.

_"I want another baby."_ I had said as I handed him a cold glass of iced tea.

_"Then have one."_ He was tired and a bit annoyed as he snapped at me.

I had smiled at him and ran my hand across his bare chest.

_"I want to have another baby with you."_

I was more specific and he choked on his drink.

_"Now?"_

I knew he was in shock.

_"Yes...I want you now...right here. Show me how you like it...none of that soft shit...like the last few times, give it to me good."_

_"I thought you said we wouldn't do this again."_

He had wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up onto the island, spreading my legs and standing between them so close that I was forced to wrap my legs around him.

_"I lied."_

_"That's a bad habit."_

_"Then teach me a lesson."_

Looking back now...I realize that I was so out of character for myself.

How could I go back and tell Britt what I had done. I couldn't admit to anyone how it had really happened.

Ian ended up being rough and dominant with me and I remember screaming out his name and egging him on until he finally came inside of me...twice.

He was shocked afterwards with just how rough he had been with me.

We ended up knocking the kitchen door off the hinges.

I remember how once he returned me to the floor, he walked away from me and immediately began cleaning the kitchen before Mami got back to the house.

I should have felt used but instead, I slapped his ass, thanked him.

If I had stayed any longer...I would have known that he was distracting himself by cleaning because he was close to crying.

He felt like he used me when in fact...it had been me...I had used him and now I felt like complete shit about it.

* * *

Of all the memories to come back to me in that moment...why that one?

_"Thank you for bringing me here."_

Tor's voice cut through my scattered thoughts and brought me back to where I was.

My hand was trembling as I continued to trace Ian's name over and over again.

I was officially over the edge.

The wind blew across my face and I could feel the coolness of the breeze as it hit the tears on my face.

I didn't bother to wipe them away.

What was the point of that?

I just wanted to be alone.

* * *

I dropped Tor off at Sue's house and then headed straight to Lima Heights.

I had something that I needed to do and I needed to do it without a witness.

The drive into the place that I had partially grown up was different.

Abuela wasn't wandering the streets...Ian was dead and Ari was off in New York chasing her dreams.

I passed through the more populated main streets of the shoddier end of town and drove straight to the outskirts.

There was a crappy little house there that was surrounded by uncut grass and sorely needed a paint job.

I pulled into the driveway and parked on the side of the house were my car couldn't be seen.

I pulled open the glove box and put my phone inside of it next to Papi's gun before locking it up again.

The alarm sounded as I hit the button on the keys.

Hopefully it didn't ruin my element of surprise.

I stepped up to the back door and knocked quietly.

_"Who's there?"_

_"Santana Lopez."_

There was a long pause and just when I was about to turn around and go...the door cracked open revealing an eye.

_"What do you want?"_

_"Can I come in...I kind of don't want to be seen."_

_"Then why did you drive that car here?"_

_"It was my only option...can I come in please?"_

_"You alone?"_

_"Fuck...yes. Just let me in." _

The growl in my voice shocked me.

* * *

The door finally opened just enough for me to squeeze through.

I was nervous as I slid through the crack in the door.

Why was I here?

Suddenly when he closed the door and locked the deadbolt...I felt my palms go sweaty so I rubbed them together.

_"What can I get for you?"_

I hugged my arms around myself and looked around the small house that smelled like stale beer and piss.

_"I'm not sure."_

_"Don't waste my fucking time...I have other things to do. So either you came here to spend some cash or you're working for your godfather."_

I froze...shit...why hadn't I thought of that.

Before I knew what happened I was flat on my back with hands around my neck and my head pounding from where it hit the hardwood floor.

They always go for my neck.

Why?

Thankfully his hold was serving to just hold me still while he patted me down looking for a wire, I could still breathe.

I remained still, knowing that if I fought him things could go badly...well worse than they were going at the moment.

He got a little two handsy when he reached my chest but I let him.

Why had I left the gun in the car?

Right...because I didn't want him to think I was coming to shoot him.

Now I wished I had taken the chance.

_"I'm not here to get you busted."_ I growled as he climbed off of me.

_"Then what the fuck do you want, princess?"_

_"Just a taste."_ I whispered.

I had just endured all of that...I might as well do what I had set out to do...there was no harm.

It wouldn't even show up on a drug test or in my milk.

Just a little on the tip of my pinky.

No one would ever know.

* * *

I was knelt over the coffee table a few minutes later with just one glorious line in front of me.

More than I had intended but I just paid him handsomely...might as well get more than a taste.

Harry stood over me counting out the stack of twenties I handed him.

I had paid three times the worth of the crystals in front of me...but this was it.

My last dance.

**_No it's not_**

Great now I have voices in my head.

Shut the fuck up.

**_Why are you here? Go home. _**

**_Be a mom._**

**_The kids need you._**

**_Brittany needs you._**

I need this.

_"So shut the fuck up."_

I muttered out loud as I closed my eyes and prepared to blow away six months of sobriety.

Harry laughed and leaned over me so close that I could smell his rank breath.

_"Hurry up princess...chances are you were spotted coming this way."_

He was right.

I put the straw at the beginning of the line and then took a shallow breath through my mouth.

_"Fuck! I knew it!" _

I looked up and saw headlights illuminate the front windows.

I couldn't be seen like this.

I looked down at the line of coke that was in front of me...I could stop right here.

This could be just a close call.

I could hear the crunch of the gravel and then a click.

The cool metal of a gun pressed against my forehead.

_"You set me up princess and you're going to pay."_

There was a heavy knock at the door.

_"No...please?"_ I whispered.

I could not die in a crack house.

_"Why are you stalling then...if you are still a junkie...then get your taste."_

_"Please...I changed my mind."_ I said as I looked up at Harry and tried to get him to calm down.

_"Ana? Baby please...I know you're in there."_

It was Brittany.

* * *

_"Don't you make a fucking sound."_ Harry whispered as he looked towards the door.

_"Harry...if it's just her alone...then I can get her to leave with me and you're safe. If you shoot me...my godfather will make sure you fry. Just let me go...please?"_

_"You came for a taste...take it."_ he said in a cold, flat voice.

_"Keep the money...let me go. I changed my mind."_

_"You taste or I shoot you. Look around princess...I've got nothing to lose."_

There was more knocking.

My heart was sinking.

I was letting Britt down.

She didn't need this right now.

Or ever!

What happened to all my strength?

What happened to my will power?

_"Ana...please? I'm alone out here...nobody knows where you are...but me. Just...please...come out here so we can put this behind us."_

She sounded so broken.

I looked up at Harry and then decided that I needed to make this more worth it for him.

_"What do you want Harry? I have another five hundred in my wallet...it's yours if you let me go. That's a grand for you and you don't lose any product."_

_"Show me the money." _

I reached for my pocket and pulled out my wallet.

When I opened it he leaned over and snatched it from me.

_"It's all in there." _I said as I placed my hands in front of me.

He took out all the money in the wallet and then tossed the emptied wallet back at me.

_"Get the fuck out of here and don't you dare come back!"_

He kept the gun pointed to me as I stood up and made my way to the door.

I kept my hands up as I walked backwards...I didn't want to let him have the opportunity to let his finger slip on the trigger.

He didn't stop pointing even when I pulled the door open and stepped out onto the rickety porch.

* * *

Once I was out in the warm night air, I saw Britt standing in the driveway talking on her phone and pacing.

I walked down the steps and ran towards her.

She turned around with tears in her eyes and was biting her lips.

She was looking in my eyes and then at my nose trying to see if I had done what I had come here to do.

I shook my head, as I stood a few steps from her.

_"We have to get out of here...he's got a gun."_

I said as I looked over my shoulder.

_"Meet me in the parking lot of Breadstix."_

She turned her back and quickly climbed into her truck.

The moment I pulled out of the driveway, I heard a gunshot but refused to look behind me.

I didn't want to know what had happened.

* * *

In the history of me, I have never dreaded going to Breadstix, until that moment after I had been caught at a crack house.

I followed Britt into the parking lot and then pulled up next to her truck.

She climbed down from it and shut the door, but she didn't make her way towards me, instead she headed straight inside.

_"Fuck."_

Suddenly everything came back to me.

Dinner.

Before I had left the house, Padrino had told me that we were all having dinner as a big family at Breadstix at seven sharp.

It was twenty after seven.

I checked my face in the mirror for any kind of residue and then slowly climbed from the car.

It was time to face the music.

* * *

I walked inside and immediately spotted the families sitting towards the back of the restaurant.

Britt's parents, Mami, Pa, Sue, Tor, my kids, and Britt.

I was glad that Britt showed up when she did...with her impeccable timing!

Otherwise...I would be showing up to dinner buzzed.

Thank God for small miracles.

I walked over to the table and saw that everyone was oblivious to me.

They were all laughing and having a good time.

Everyone except Britt.

She was looking at me with sad eyes as she scooted over to let me sit next to her.

_"Ana! Where have you been?"_ Pa asked me as I sat down.

_"She was out driving."_ Britt answered for me.

I felt her hand grab mine under the table and squeeze.

I looked at her and then at my godfather and nodded in agreement.

_"Did you forget about dinner? You weren't answering your phone."_ Mami asked as she looked me over.

_"I lost track of time."_ I said quietly.

Just then the waitress came and put our orders on the table.

Britt had already ordered for me.

I was glad to be able to fill my mouth with food and just ignore any other questions.

I felt a kick to my leg and looked up in front of me.

Sue.

I could tell by the look on her face that she knew.

_"Keeping your nose clean?"_ she asked loudly.

Thanks to Britt I could answer that honestly.

_"Yes."_

Barely...

She nodded curtly and then looked over at Britt.

I saw Britt nod out of the corner of my eye.

Yep...Sue definitely knew but just Sue.

Britt obviously wanted to keep it that way because in the next second she turned and started talking to the rest of the table about our vacation at the lake...and even though her stories were totally made up...nobody questioned her.

Not even me.

* * *

I made it through dinner without anyone having any inkling of what I had almost done.

Brittany asked Mami to take the truck back to the house for her because she wanted to spend a little alone time with me.

When we got out into the parking lot, Britt held her hand out and without question, I handed her the keys to the car.

Once we were all strapped in, she threw the car into reverse and made the tires squeal as she turned out onto the road.

She turned right out of the parking lot...which was led to the highway.

This was not good.

As we pulled onto the highway, Britt still hadn't spoken.

_"I'm sorry."_ I said quietly.

_"Don't"_ she said as she pulled off the road and into the trees.

Immediately I recognized where we were.

This was the place that I used to come and get high.

It was my secret hiding place.

Britt had chosen this spot above all others to talk to me.

I was definitely freaking out.

* * *

Britt parked the car and then got out and walked into the trees.

She was being extra spacy but at the same time incredibly intense.

I had only seen her this way a few times and it was usually before she got violent.

Like before I took a nap for four months.

I was terrified.

But I wasn't going to back down.

I couldn't let her be in the woods alone though.

She was still recovering from a major surgery, afterall.

So I climbed out of the car and followed her.

I walked through the woods and had to dodge a few branches before I found Britt in a clearing on the edge of the cliff that over looked Lima.

It was a beautiful spot that I had never noticed before since I never actually ventured this far.

She was pacing a few feet near the edge with her arms wrapped around her body.

* * *

_"B?"_ I said as I stood back near the edge of the woods.

She looked at me with fire in her eyes.

I was kind of intimidated in that moment.

_"Why'd you go there?"_

Britt suddenly turned away from me and looked over the landscape in front of her.

She had never turned her back to me during any discussion, ever.

She had always said that it bothered her even when teachers in school talked to the class when they were facing the board. It was just one of those things that got under her skin.

I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders.

Then I realized that she was facing away from me and couldn't see me.

I started to walk towards her but she shook her head.

_"Stay where you are...I really need to not be in arm's reach of you right now."_

Her voice sounded raw and serious.

She was trying to deal with this in her own way and so I was going to respect that.

And she was trying not to hurt me.

I had pushed her that far.

_"There is no good reason. I was stupid." _

_"How close were you to getting high?"_

She asked quietly, in a high pitched voice, which told me that she was suppressing the urge to raise her scream.

_"Seconds."_ I said as I watched her body quaking with rage.

_"Do you know how I found you?"_

_"No." _

_"You dropped off Tor and I was there with Sue and Daniela. When you didn't come inside the house...and Tor told me how you were when she got out of the care. I knew immediately what you were going to do. I called Karofsky and asked him how to find his brother and then...I came after you. Sue wanted to come but I told her not to. I told her to just take the baby to the restaurant at seven."_

I nodded as I listened to her ramble.

She had known before I had even figured it out.

* * *

_"I'm sorry."_ I said again.

_"I thought rehab really helped you!"_

Her voice cracked as she dropped her head into her hands.

_"It did. I was fine. Until today."_

_"That's a lie." _

Suddenly, she was in front of me and staring into my eyes.

_"It is?"_ I was confused as I looked into her bloodshot eyes.

_"Tell me that you haven't thought about using since my surgery."_

I faltered...I couldn't even think of a lie fast enough.

_"I-I..." _I looked at her and threw my hands up._ "I didn't do it...I still could of and I didn't. I realized it as I knelt there in front of the coke...that I couldn't throw it all away. That I couldn't throw YOU away."_

_"Was that before or after I knocked on that door?"_ I couldn't remember so I just shrugged._ "Can't remember?"_

_"I'm really sorry." _

_"This has to stop...you can't go running to drugs every time you are overwhelmed. We have a family and we are trying to build a life together and we can't do that if you keep going on like this."_

_"Like what?"_

_"Just barely holding on. I can't live like this Ana."_

_"What are you saying?"_

I expected the tears to come sliding down my cheeks but that didn't happen.

Instead my body was filled with a chill as I looked into her eyes.

_"That you have to come to me. When you feel like this...you have to be honest with me. Please?"_

The anger left her face as she looked at me with so much desperation.

I stood there looking at her and thinking hard about the stupid decisions that I was making.

How was getting high going to solve things?

Why couldn't I just allow myself to be happy?

_"I'm sorry, B."_ was all that I could say in response.

_"I can't accept that." _

Britt turned and walked away from me and back towards the woods.

_"Don't leave me Britt!"_ I screamed at her back. _"Britt!"_ she kept walking and my heart felt like it was going to fall out of my chest. I didn't want to be left alone. Her leaving me while I was in rehab was still unreal but now...as I actually watched her walk away from me, it struck me harder than a speeding train. _"Brittany! Please!"_ I dropped to my knees and covered my face with my hands as I screamed into them. _"Britt...please. I'll do anything...I'll stop!" _

I knelt there against the rocks and the twigs crying into the dirt.

What had I done?

* * *

**_A/N: Two steps forward, three steps back..._**

**_What kind of Brittana endgame is that?_**

**_I have to tear them down properly...alas...it does get better. _**

**_So be gentle!_**


	19. Chapter 19:Bridge Of Light

_**A/N: Sometimes...getting both sides of the story are much better than trying to guess...so here you are a split chapter! :) By the way...this song...is like the best...EVER! :) Enjoy! **_

* * *

**Chapter 19:Bridge of Light (P!NK)**

* * *

**_"Brittany! Please!"_**** I dropped to my knees and covered my face with my hands as I screamed into them. ****_"Britt...please. I'll do anything...I'll stop!" _**

**I knelt there against the rocks and the twigs crying into the dirt.**

**What had I done?**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"I can't...I can't fucking do this! Tell me what to do! Please?"_

_"Tell me what happened?"_

_"She went to her dealer's house today. She was seconds away from using again! Now we are out here in the woods...I needed air...I needed to be able to throw myself off a cliff if I was tempted to punch her in the face! That's how angry I was...now though...I just don't know what to do...I couldn't think of anyone else that I could call that could get through to her."_

_"Where is she now?"_

_"I walked away...she's back near the cliff."_

_"Take a deep breath, Brittany." _

I sucked in a breath but it hurt too badly to breathe.

_"I-I ca-can't."_ I stuttered through the sentence.

_"You can and you will. Try again."_

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against the roof of the car.

I concentrated on my breathing and then sucked in a long breath and let it out slowly.

_"Okay." _

_"Better?"_

_"A little."_

_"Okay...now, I need you to answer a question for me."_

_"Okay." _

_"Are you willing to keep fighting for her?"_

_"I'll fight for her, forever. That's why I'm still standing here."_

_"Then...take a few deep breaths...think about what you want from her. Tell her that you are going to fight with her. Say whatever you need to say but make sure that she understands that this can't happen again."_

_"I feel like I've had that conversation with her a million times."_

_"Not like this...I don't think you have ever walked away from her like this. Without blowing up...without her ending up in the hospital. This feels different...doesn't it?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And you are 100% sure that you are willing to fight?"_

_"Yes. Always."_

_"Then...get it together and go get her."_

_"Okay."_

_"I'm here if you need me okay?"_

_"Thank you, Rachel."_

_"Anytime. I hope that you can get through to her Brittany. I hope that she can start to love herself again...in a healthy way."_

_"Okay...I'm ready."_

_"Good luck."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I laid curled in a ball feeling cold and alone.

Why was I still sabotaging my own happiness after all this time?

How many times now had I said that I was going to stop?

Countless.

How many time had I meant it?

Every single time.

Addiction was something that was embedded in my bones.

It clawed at my body and my mind.

It rendered me incapable of making the right decisions.

I was smart, I was rich, I was beautiful but none of that mattered when my body craved the simple high that coke could give me.

All the meetings and all the rehab had done nothing to stop the needs that ruled my mind.

They had just slowed it down.

Made me ignore what I wanted.

What I thought I needed.

Only now...my other addiction was in front of me...threatening to leave me.

Making me choose.

* * *

Brittany or Cocaine.

Life or Death.

Family or Loneliness.

Rich or Poor.

Every answer should be simple.

But it wasn't.

My mind was not what it used to be.

High school Santana...

Cheerio Santana...

Track Santana...

Glee Santana...

Was gone.

Dead as Ian.

Who was I, anymore?

What had I turned into?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

After hanging up the phone, I paced a little longer just trying to get my head straight.

This _was_ what I wanted right?

Yes.

I could be pregnant and married to Grady right now but here I was...forever childless and trying to save the love of my life.

She had lost her fight.

I could blame myself because I didn't give her the time and space that she asked for but what use would that be, now?

All of the fight I had in me, I learned from Santana Lopez and now she needed me to use what I had learned to help save her life.

Was I up for it?

I had just gone through the worse thing imaginable for me next to losing the ability to walk.

Could I honestly help her to stand up and fight for her sobriety?

I had my hands in my hair and was trying my best to form a pros and cons list in my head.

What I realized was, that there were a million reasons to end this right here and now.

This relationship was just doomed from the start.

But there was one reason...

A reason that sat above all others.

I felt the cool metal of her rosary trace across my stomach.

I thought about how she still managed to look at me with light in her eyes, even after I nearly choked her to death, after I cheated on her again and again. She always came back to me...more hopeful...more sincere.

Even when she left me...she never left me.

I had to fight for this relationship...for her because she had never...not even when I got pregnant, slept with Grady, Finn, Artie, Frankie and Quinn...she never stopped fighting for me.

And so now...it was my turn.

I needed to step up to the plate.

It was my turn to pick her up and be her legs, her eyes, her ears, her will.

Her everything.

I needed to be her world.

Because no matter what I did...she never stopped being my rock.

This time...we would get it right.

* * *

I took a moment to jump up and down and shake out my limbs.

It was what I did before dance performances and rehearsals.

My mind needed to be in harmony with my body.

Everything had to flow together or I would stumble over my words and my feet.

She needed to understand just how serious I was.

We both needed to know that if she didn't want to fight...that this was the end for us.

Forever.

It would hurt like hell but I couldn't be a part of it anymore.

I couldn't watch her be this way.

She couldn't throw away our futures...our children's futures.

I wouldn't let her.

Not anymore.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I decided the moment that I realized that she might not be coming back for me...that I would rather die, here and now than to keep living a half life.

I couldn't keep on pretending that I was better.

Once a junkie, always a junkie.

Just look at Marco.

Coke became his life.

It ruined his career, his relationships, and his life.

I couldn't be like that.

I couldn't go on living like this.

The ground cradled me as my body curled tightly into itself.

My skin was itching but I refused to scratch it.

My palms were sweaty but I wouldn't rub them together.

I was fiending for what I had almost had...what I blew a thousand dollars on.

This wasn't living.

This was barely even surviving.

I was at a new low.

And I didn't like the view.

* * *

I clenched my eyes closed as I heard the crunching of the leaves and branches.

She had returned.

I think.

I didn't want to get my hopes up.

Maybe it was a cop.

Maybe she had sent Padrino for me.

I didn't even care.

They could find me like this if they wanted.

I didn't care how I looked or how my strangled moans sounded.

I was rocking and my teeth were chattering as I groaned through my teeth that I tried but failed to keep clenched.

The movement stopped.

Whoever it was, was hovering over me silently.

I secretly hoped they would kill me so that I could stop hurting the people that I loved.

No such luck.

I was being lifted into the air by two strong arms.

Arms that shouldn't be lifting me at all after a major surgery.

But when it came to Brittany, rules were always just guidelines.

Never concrete.

I didn't bother opening my eyes, I just buried my face against her neck and let her carry me.

Even if it was simply to toss me over the cliff.

If I could end up almost using in Lima...then in New York I was bound to slip up again.

I didn't want to take that chance.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Seeing her curled up on the ground like a wounded animal really hurt.

Was she that low?

How had I missed seeing her break?

Had I contributed to this?

She had been so strong...then again...Ana has always been really good at hiding things, even from herself.

I stood over her and watched as she did something that I had been doing for a full week.

She was in her head.

She wasn't really aware that I was calling her name.

I called her name four times but she didn't respond.

I couldn't let her lose herself in her head.

So I lifted her, even with my body protesting.

I picked her clear off the ground and cradled her in my arms.

She wouldn't open her eyes.

It was almost like she was just in a bad dream.

I called her name again but she still didn't say a thing.

I was witnessing for myself, how I must have been since the surgery.

If this is what she had been dealing with...me like this at night and walking around like a zombie in the day...then I could understand her concern.

I felt a pang in my chest.

She had stayed by my side the entire time.

I knew right then.

That I would win this fight.

She was on my playing field now and that was something that I had mastered.

* * *

I got her in the car and strapped her in.

I turned the head on and she slowly uncurled herself and then after a moment she opened her eyes.

She looked at me with the emptiest expression.

Like she had completely given up on all that was good in the world.

She was trapped behind the darkness, behind her fortress.

I just hoped that she left a window open somewhere because otherwise...I was going to have a pretty tough time breaking in.

But I was up for the challenge.

I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

I jumped back when I felt her hands clenching my shirt.

She didn't let go.

She bit hard on her lip and looked at me with sad eyes.

_"I'll do anything."_ she whispered in a gritty voice.

_"Anything?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Fight."_

Her eyebrows raised.

I had thrown her off.

_"Fight?"_

_"I'm not going to let you go. You can fight this."_

_"I-I don't k-know h-how."_ she stuttered as she released her grip on my shirt and began to curl in on herself again.

I reached a hand out and pulled her chin back towards me and before she protested, I kissed her.

I kissed her like she had never fallen apart.

I kissed her for every kiss that we had missed over the years.

She would fight this.

Even if I had to show her how.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I didn't move my lips at first because I thought that her kissing me was just a fantasy but then I felt her swipe her tongue across my bottom lip, begging for entrance and that's when I knew that this was real.

That she was real.

She wanted me to fight.

Except...I couldn't remember how.

I told her so but that didn't stop her from kissing me like it was the last time.

It felt like an end.

Our end.

But then she rested her hand on the side of my face and used the other to link pinkies with me.

She was saying so much just with that gesture.

She was here.

My Britt Britt was fighting for me and with me

It told me that I wasn't alone.

Even now.

* * *

Britt pulled back from the kiss but only so that she could pull me into her arms.

I climbed over the console and straddled her lap. I fought to return to myself as she held me against her chest.

_"We are going to fight this together. You for me and me for you. Our love is strong enough."_

I laid my head on her shoulder as I just rested in her arms.

_"It is."_

_"Look how far we've come. All the things that we've survived. Our love can see us through this. I'm not giving up. So neither can you or don't you believe that our love is worth saving. Don't you think that me and the kids are worth fighting for?"_

Her hands stilled on my back as she waited for my answer.

I didn't have to think about it. I knew the answer.

_"Yes. I've never been more sure of anything."_

My words came out without hesitation, without me even really thinking about them.

Because I didn't need to.

I wasn't alone in this.

_"Then lets stop the games. Let's stop thinking of only ourselves. We are better than our insecurities."_

I was speechless as I listened to Britt tell me things that I knew but hadn't put to practice.

_"You're right B."_ I sat up and rested my hands on her chest._ "I've been all talk but from now on with your help...I want to turn my thoughts and words into actions."_

_"And I'll be there every step of the way."_

That was all I needed to hear.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

As I sat there holding her small body in my arms, I was glad that I hadn't decided to give up on her.

We were holding onto each other, I wasn't just holding her.

In all of her sadness and hurt, it was her instinct to hold onto me with her everything.

She probably didn't even realize that she was doing it.

But even in that moment as I was helping her to rise above all the stuff that was holding her down, holding her back, she was trying to hold me together.

We were worth the fight.

Everything was pushing me to realize that this was worth everything that I had!

_"I'm so scared, B." _she whispered quietly.

_"Me too, Ana...but we are in this together. So lets be scared together. Lets be strong together."  
_

She nodded against my shoulder and then kissed my neck.

_"Okay, B."  
_

_"Are you ready to go home?"  
_

_"Not yet...can we just stay like this a little bit longer?"  
_

_"Just a little bit."  
_

I looked at the clock on the dash and saw that it was a little after midnight.

We needed to be on the road by five.

It didn't matter.

I would drive all day and night if I had to.

She was reaching out to me...asking me to hold her just a little while longer and I wasn't going to fight that.

Fight her.

I was done fighting her.

I was done trying to make her see me.

I knew now...that she always had, even if it was at the cost of her own sanity and sobriety.

She was holding me but I had forgotten to hold her.

We needed each other._  
_

I realized that now.

* * *

We got back to the house at quarter to one.

My truck was parked in the driveway and it seemed like all the lights in the house were on.

I was foolish to think that Gladys and Hector wouldn't see what was going on.

Of course they had.

And apparently they had been watching out of the window.

Because when I walked around the car to lift up a sleeping Ana into my arms, I felt Gladys' hand on my back._  
_

_"Let Hector carry her."  
_

I stood up and saw that Hector was right next to me.

What a full circle this had turned into.

Not very long ago this was Puck picking me up to take me into the house._  
_

I remember Mr. Schue once saying that everything is connected and I didn't really get it until this moment.

The moment that Ana could tell that it wasn't me leaning over her, she jerked awake._  
_

_"I'm awake!" _she said as she stood shakily to her feet._ "I can walk, Pa. You don't have to carry me."  
_

Hector looked at me with wide eyes.

Ana looked at Gladys and Hector and gave them a small smile before reaching back and slipping her pinky in mine._  
_

_"We should get to bed. Thanks for watching the kids." _Ana said as she pulled me towards the door.

She didn't want to spend a single second having to explain anything.

I understood and apparently that was enough.

Hector looked like he wanted to say something as we headed up the stairs but I shook my head._  
_

_"It's taken care of."  
_

He didn't say anything.

He just nodded and he and Gladys went into the kitchen.

I was done with other people standing between me and my wife.

If she and I were going to get through this then it had to be just the two of us.

That had always been clear to me and now it was my hope that she saw it too.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Usually I'm a huge stickler for hygiene but after my soul had been through such a shit storm, I just stripped down to my thong and climbed straight into bed.

And thankfully, Britt followed me.

She didn't argue or want to talk.

She knew what was needed and lectures weren't it.

We were both exhausted.

There was so much to figure out.

But we had time.

Right now, we just needed to be with each other.

To touch and to feel.

That was what mattered in the middle of the night.

That we were together.

* * *

We met in the center of the bed, facing each other.

Britt's eyes were wide as she examined my face before leaning in and kissing me again.

I fell into the kiss this time.

There was no fight in me anymore.

I was taking everything for what it was.

This was my chance to set everything right without manipulation.

We had an opportunity to have a real relationship.

I just had to learn to not be trapped behind walls.

And we both needed to learn to be honest.

Tonight was our first step.

Tomorrow would be even harder.

But for now...I had conquered a barrier that's always sat in my way.

Myself.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

As we set out on the road the next morning with our kids both still asleep in back seat.

There was something different between us.

Peace.

No tension.

No aggression.

No lies.

There was a comfort between us that hadn't existed since we had first become friends.

Not even the beginning of our relationship felt this good.

I liked it...so much that I would make sure that it lasted.

The times ahead of us weren't going to be easy but we had just crossed a big hurdle.

We had just mastered ourselves.

So now hopefully, we could start the work on mastering our relationship.

As I drove out of Lima, Ana linked her pinky with mine, squeezed it and smiled at me.

_"Take us home, Britt Britt." _

_"Gladly."_

I winked at her and then squeezed her pinky back.

* * *

_"How are you feeling?"_ I asked after we had been on the road for about a half hour.

_"Like I just climbed a mountain. You?"_ she said as she looked out at the road ahead of us.

_"Like I just danced with Beyonce."_

She let out a huge laugh and it made my heart warm up and tingle.

I couldn't remember the last time she had laughed so freely.

Or smiled this much.

It felt good knowing that she felt more like herself...like she had just conquered a mountain.

It felt even better knowing that I had made that happen._  
_

I had my best friend back.

_"Always and only you B."_ she said quietly after a few minutes.

_"Promise?"_ I asked.

_"Promise."_

_"Good...I promise too."_

_"Good."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**_August 31st, 2013_  
**

**_You almost lost me Henry.  
_**

**_I almost lost myself.  
_**

**_I'm somewhere in Pennsylvania right now...we stopped for the night. _**

**_The kids and Britt are all asleep but my mind is awake.  
_**

**_You know how I get.  
_**

**_Usually, I'm trying to find a way to conquer something or I'm trying to push myself to do something.  
_**

**_Right now...it doesn't feel like that at all. All that I feel at the moment, is extremely loved._**

**_ After years of being together, today, I felt for the first time...that Britt won't leave_****_ me._**

**_I feel like she is finally in this for the long haul.  
_**

**_I just wish that it didn't take almost going back to drugs for me to feel that.  
_**

**_Because I think that I have been pushing her away all of these years for one stupid reason or another. Today I stopped seeing her as my sweet, innocent high school girlfriend.  
_**

**_She's not as naive as most people think she is.  
_**

**_She's strong and powerful.  
_**

**_I look up to her.  
_**

**_I admire her.  
_**

**_I see myself in her.  
_**

**_Today we connected on a primordial level.  
_**

**_I gained a new respect for her and she saw something in me that she hadn't seen before.  
_**

**_That's what she keeps saying.  
_**

**_At first I wasn't quite sure if that was a good thing or not...but I have to believe it is.  
_**

**_It feels good to be honest and open with her.  
_**

**_I feel like an adult for the first time.  
_**

**_I love her.  
_**

**_Always.  
_**

**_And only her.  
_**

**_xx  
_**

**_Santana_**

* * *

When we picked our apartment we had done it by sending people around to look at them and take pictures.

Pictures didn't do our new penthouse any justice.

It was beautiful and homey with floor to ceiling windows that freaked out Britt but I assured her that those windows could hold up our children.

We unpacked everything and then just sat back and enjoyed our time together.

Isaac and Daniela were sitting on the floor watching Elmo sing to them from the screen while we looked past them and out into the lights of the city.

_"I'm glad that we did this, Ana...just you me and the kids."_

_"Me too."_

_"Really, I thought you liked the idea of having Quinn and your sisters close by?"_

_"I do...but you and I never had the chance to just do this...to just be us. No interruptions. I actually feel like a family right now. It feels right...besides...they are just a cab ride away if I feel like I need them that bad."  
_

_"Do you?"  
_

I looked at her and shook my head._  
_

_"Not even a little bit. I have you and the kids and right now that's all that I need."  
_

I leaned over and kissed her and when I pulled back, her grin was brighter than all the city lights combined._  
_

_"You have no idea how good that makes me feel. For so long, I have felt like I was just in the way or like you didn't really need me but right now...I feel like everything was wiped clean and like you and me are finally where we wanted to be when we dreamed of moving to New York."  
_

_"There's still going to be hard times, you know." _I didn't mean to be the voice of reason...but it was necessary._  
_

_"But I feel like we can handle them...as long as we stick together."  
_

_"I can't believe how sappy we've become." _I scrunched up my nose and kissed her lips._  
_

_"Beso? My turn? Beso?"_

We pulled away and smiled at each other before looking in front of us.

Isaac stood there with his chin poked out waiting to be kissed.

I winked at Britt and then at the same time, we leaned down and pressed a kiss to each of his cheeks at the same time.

When we pulled back, he clapped his hands together and shrieked._ "Besos! Yay!" _Before running back to Daniela and getting wrapped up in Elmo again.

* * *

That night as we laid together, with our babies asleep in their rooms, Britt and I finally said the things we needed to say._  
_

_"I'm not going to get to that point again, Britt. I don't want to ever put you in that position again. Anything could of happened to me and to you. Our kids could of lost us both. I apologize." _

_"I apologize for thinking that Grady could ever love me better than you. You mean so much to me and I would rather be with you working through our issues, than with him and having to feel like I could never measure up to what he wanted. You are my rock, Ana. My home."  
_

_"Do you forgive me?"  
_

_"A little more each day. Do you forgive me."  
_

_"Without question."  
_

_"Is this a real start for us?"  
_

_"Yes."  
_

_"Good."  
_

We were back to the start.

Again.

This time though...we were actually talking.

Communicating and connecting.

It was like being trapped in darkness with flashes of light and then suddenly seeing the real thing again.

I loved Brittany.

And because of that...I loved me again.

It was still going to take a lot for us to both be able to say that we were healed, whole but at least we were headed in that direction.

* * *

**_A/N: It's almost the end...25 chapters is my hope...so hopefully you have as much hope as I do.  
_**

_**Maybe more? Review and let me know.**  
_

_**P.S. Fluff is not my forte so I hope it wasn't too sappy...oh and CC...be patient...it's coming.  
**_


	20. Chapter 20:Who You Are

**Chapter 20: Who You Are (Jessie J)**

* * *

**_It was like being trapped in darkness with flashes of light and then suddenly seeing the real thing again._**

**_I loved Brittany._**

**_And because of that...I loved me again._**

**_It was still going to take a lot for us to both be able to say that we were healed, whole but at least we were headed in that direction._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I woke up to my phone buzzing off the nightstand and down onto the floor.

Had it not fallen, I wouldn't have woken up in enough time to receive the phone call that would change the course of my life.

But I did answer it and proceeded to sit on the phone in complete shock as I listened to a voice that I had only ever heard through my car speakers.

And at that moment I wanted to take back every cruel thing that I had ever said about Mercedes Jones.

Because girlfriend had seriously just given me another reason to stay sober!

If things panned out then I would be chartering a plane to fly her to New York just to hug her!

_"Thank you so much for this opportunity! I'll send you something soon!"_

_"You're in New York, right?"_

_"Yes...TriBeCa."_

_"How about you shoot me a text when you have something and I can just come by? I'm not far from you."_

OMFG!

I took a deep breath and looked over at Brittany who was now looking at me wide-eyed trying to figure out who I was talking to.

_"That's perfect! Thank you so much!"_

_"Thank you Santana and good luck!"_

When I hung up I just sat there staring out the window in shock.

_"Who was that?"_

_"I just got personally asked to write and compose a song..."_ I said as I looked at Britt.

_"By who?"_

_"Beyoncé."_

* * *

Britt sat up and looked at me with a huge grin.

_"Seriously?!" _

_"Yea." _

_"That's so amazing!"_

_"You can't tell anyone...promise me!"_ I said as she moved to pull her phone out.

She looked like I had just shot her cat.

_"Why not?"_

_"It's bad luck...I can't live with that kind of pressure. I need to write music and words...I have to try to get all that done while taking care of the kids and you. If anyone else knows then, it's going to be like...hey how's the song...hey talked to Beyoncé lately. I can't deal with that. Promise me!"_

Britt looked a little sad but she nodded.

_"Okay...I promise."_ she said glumly.

_"Hey...when I'm done she's coming over...you'll get to meet her."_ I said trying to cheer her back up.

Britt's eyes lit up and she threw herself against me in a fierce hug.

_"Promise?"_ she whispered against my neck.

_"I prom-"_ I was cut off by my son being obnoxious.

* * *

He had figured out the baby monitor and was now using it to scream at me.

_"Mami! Mami! Mami! Mami! Mami! Eat, eat! Mami! Mami!"_

I looked over at Britt and she blushed.

_"You just had to show him how the monitor worked...didn't you?"_

_"I didn't think he'd catch on so fast." _

_"Well he did...ugh...so much for sleeping a little longer."_ I said as I went to climb from the bed.

Britt was still hanging onto me and wouldn't let me move from where I was sitting.

_"I'll get him. He can wait a second...if we go to him right now...he's going to think that's how you will always respond. Wait him out."_

I knew that it would drive me crazy to hear my son call my name over and over again but Britt was right.

I had to wait him out.

He was not the boss of me.

But I knew that he was hungry and no kid should be hungry.

_"Okay...two minutes...I can't let him starve B."_

_"He's not going to starve."_ she said snickering.

_"He seems to think so."_

_"Well he's wrong."_

_"Mami!"_ he screamed and I jumped up, nearly knocking B on the floor.

_"Okay...time's up. You go feed him, B...and I'll get the baby."_

_"Deal."_

And just like that Britt and I were back in our morning routine like it had never stopped.

Like I hadn't just gotten a personal phone call from an international superstar.

These were the moments that made me hang on for dear life.

* * *

**_I feel some type of way, I haven't heard from you in days!-Q _**

**_Doing the domestic thing. I just put in a load of laundry and I'm shopping online while the kids nap. How was the first day of class?-San_**

**_It was good. Rach is in rehearsal all day. When can I come over?-Q_**

**_How about for dinner?-San_**

**_How about lunch? I miss my godbabies!-Q_**

**_Headed to the theatre with Britt soon...no can do.-San_**

**_With the kids? Can't I just come watch them while you go?-Q_**

**_Do you really want to?-San_**

**_Yes! Beth is in pre-school and I'm bored!-Q_**

**_Okay...come on over...let me know when you're here so I can buzz you in.-San_**

**_See you soon!-Q_**

* * *

This was Britt's first time back at work since she left for vacation and from what I had pieced together...when she left...things weren't in the best state.

So I was thrilled that we wouldn't have to worry about the kids.

Quinn was a lifesaver.

I peeked in on the kids and they were both still asleep...which was great because that meant that I could sneak into Britt's shower with her.

I was in a great mood today and it just seemed to be getting better.

Quinn's apartment was a five minute cab ride which was more than enough time.

I opened the bathroom door expecting to find Britt in the shower but instead she was knelt over the toilet bowl, dry heaving.

_"Are you okay?"_ I rushed over and rubbed her back.

She nodded her head as she stared into the bowl.

_"I don't think I can do this."_ her voice shook.

_"Do what? Britt talk to me." _

She stood up fully and flushed the toilet before closing the lid and sitting down.

She looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and was clenching her shaking hands in her lap.

_"This show...it's...it's not fun anymore."_

She burst into tears as she covered her face with her hands.

_"Why isn't it fun? Baby this is your dream." _

_"Dancing on tour was my dream. This was just something I settled for. I don't want to show people how to dance...I just want to dance. That's it."_

_"Do you want to quit the show because I'll support you...is that what you want?" _

I knelt in front of her and pulled her hands from her face.

She looked at me and then just shrugged as she bit her bottom lip.

_"I don't want that."_

_"Are you sure, Britt...if you want to quit...I support you...I just want you to know that you won't be able to go back. This might be your only chance on Broadway."_

_"You think so?"_

_"Yea, I do...this is show business. If you drop from this show just because you are scared...you will get a bad reputation, not to mention you dropping out of two tours last year. This won't look good. You will have a really bad reputation in the dance community."_

_"I don't want that to happen. It's just...so hard!"_

She looked at me with so much worry in her eyes.

And a bit of fear.

_"What's this really about, Britt Britt?"_

She shrugged again.

_"Is this about Grady?"_

I sighed when she nodded her head and put her hands over her face again.

Of course it was about him.

* * *

_"I'm sorry!"_

I was amazed at how upset she was over this.

_"Tell me what I can do...I'll do anything to make this better Britt."_

_"There isn't anything..."_ she looked at me as she dropped her hands in her lap. _"It's just...I have a lot of bad memories. I got pregnant on that stage." _

And that's when the world was pulled from beneath me.

_"What?"_

Okay...call me stupid but for some reason...I didn't connect Britt and Grady getting pregnant with them actually having sex.

I know...crazy, right?

My response wasn't the right one because Britt looked at me in shock and then dropped her eyes.

_"He and I...we spent a lot of time in the theater together. In my office...on that stage. It's just...right after the abor-...the procedure I spent days in that office. I know that being back..."_

I nodded in understanding as she tried to explain why this would be so hard for her.

It all made sense and I really should have expected it.

_"It's going to be okay, B. It's going to be hard but tell me something...is your fear of memories greater than your dream? Greater than something you have worked so hard for?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"Do you want this show?"_

I tried to phrase things in another way because I didn't want to tell her what to do but I still wanted her to make the choice that she wouldn't regret.

_"Yes."_

_"Then just be true to what you want. Be true to your dream. This isn't going to be easy but this time...I'm going to be with you. Every step of the way. Whenever you need me." _I tilted her chin up and leaned against her lips and kissed her deeply before pulling back again._ "You aren't doing this for Grady, the kids, or even me. You are doing this for you, Britt. You have to follow your heart. No matter what."_

She looked at me and cracked a smile.

I had gotten through to her.

Finally.

_"Fuck Grady."_ She said and then giggled before wrapping her arms around me and pulling me against her.

We held each other for those few stolen moments and it felt good.

It felt good to be able to support each other like this.

_"Yea...well maybe not fuck or screw Grady...but forget him definitely...lets try to forget him. Lets make new memories. You and me, B." _

_"Okay."_

Then a thought hit me.

_"That means we need to have sex...like everywhere until you won't be able to walk into your office without being turned on."_

Her face got red as she smirked and nodded.

_"Challenge accepted." _

_"That's my girl!"_

I laughed and then hugged her again.

It felt right.

Like home.

* * *

Quinn showed up with food and toys as if she was trying to lure my kids to love her better or something.

_"Thank you for watching them Quinnie. We will be gone for like three hours...you're sure about this?"_ Britt asked as she adjusted her duffel bag on her shoulder.

_"You guys go...we will be fine. Rachel is picking up Beth after rehearsal and is bringing her, and Puck is stopping by after work so that we can all have dinner. So just be prepared to eat when you get here...because we are going to break in this place tonight!"_

Britt clapped her hands together and I turned just in time to see Isaac standing next to her mimicking her.

_"Yay! Dama! Yay!"_ he screeched.

I kissed Daniela's face and then handed her off to Quinn before leaning down and kissing Isaac.

_"See you later, Papa. Be good for Dama and take care of Dani, okay?"_

He nodded and looked at me with the most serious face, as if I had just given him an urgent mission.

My heart melted when he looked me, grabbed my face and then kissed my lips.

_"Love you."_ He said in perfect in English.

I kissed him back and then stood up so that I could kiss my baby again.

_"Hi, Querida! Mami's going to miss you."_

Dani giggled as I blew wet kisses on her cheek.

_"Ma!"_ She said when she saw me and my heart was a puddle.

_"Go...if you let them suck you in, you will never leave...get out!"_ Quinn said, pushing me towards Britt who was already waiting by the door.

_"Okay, fine. Take care of my babies, Q!"_

* * *

We were parked outside the theater in Britt's new truck and she was gripping the steering wheel tightly even though the car was off.

She needed a push.

So I climbed out of the car and went around the front.

I looked through the windshield as I crossed in front of her truck and she still hadn't moved.

She had to just jump in.

I opened her door and then leaned around her and unbuckled her seat belt.

Then when she still hadn't budged, I wrapped my hands around her wrists and pulled her until she turned in her seat with her legs hanging out.

_"Come on, Britt Britt. You can do this."_

_"I can't."_

_"If you don't...then Grady was right...then he wins. He didn't think you could do this...he didn't think that someone your age deserved this kind of job or that you were good enough."_

She looked at me in shock and shook her head in disbelief.

_"You don't believe that stuff do you?"_

I shook my head and smiled at her.

_"Of course not, B. I know you...this is something that you could do in your sleep...trust me...you dance in your sleep!" _She cracked a smile and I knew that I was breaking through her fear._ "I think that you are amazing, Britt Britt and so do your bosses and Tony...that's why you still have this job! Trust me. Okay?"_

She nodded and then straightened her back and smiled at me.

_"I can do this."_

_"That's right. Now get out of this truck so that you can go prove that asshole wrong."_

_"It's not about him, Ana. This is about me."_

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tight.

_"I'm so proud of you Britt."_

* * *

We walked hand in hand, towards the theater.

Britt was so excited that she was nearly skipping and then just as she got to the door, she hesitated and looked at me.

_"What is it, B?"_

She looked at me for a long moment and then cracked a smile.

_"I'm proud of you too, Ana. More and more each day."_

And before I could respond, she pulled the door open and the old nervous Britt fell away.

She pulled me along with her as she walked with so much authority that I was immediately turned on.

She had been through something terrible and no doubt that by now, everyone knew about it, but she was owning her pain and her struggle as she walked down the aisle of the theater.

She led me to the front row and then kissed me hard before handing me her bag.

Tony and Ari were up on stage with both the male and female dancers.

Ari was shaking her head as she moved slowly so that the women behind her could catch on.

_"Don't slow down, Ari. They need to keep up! This is Broadway...not dance class."_

Everyone froze when they heard Britt speak up.

I smiled to myself because only I knew that she was scared shitless to be up on that stage.

I was so proud of her.

Because she was up there and wasn't cutting anyone any slack.

She even made corrections to a few of Ari's missteps.

And like the consummate professional that my friend is, Ari smiled and fell into step with Britt in the next go around without even a hint of an attitude.

She looked the happiest out of everyone, to have Britt back.

Tony actually made his dancers stop and watch as Britt whipped the women into shape.

He was beaming as he watched his partner remind him of why they were partnered as choreographers for this show.

I think that even he had forgotten.

* * *

After an hour of pushing her dancers and herself to the point of exhaustion, Britt let everyone break for lunch.

I stood with her bag over my shoulder as she climbed down from the stage.

She beamed at me before looking just behind me with a nervous glance.

I turned around and saw her bosses standing there waiting for her.

_"I'll meet you in your office. Fix things with them...be honest."_ I said quietly, when she came over to me.

_"Okay...it might be a little messy. I didn't clean it before I left even though it was just one day...I got a bit uh...well you'll see. Um...just...don't leave okay?"_

_"I'll be here...promise."_

I leaned in and kissed her before leaving her with her bosses and Tony.

I knew that she was nervous but she needed to deal with her bosses.

They were doubting her right now and she needed to prove herself again.

And I wasn't going to stand in the way.

* * *

Britt hadn't been joking about the state of her office.

When I opened the door, I gagged on the smell.

Not only had she not straightened up before she left, but she had left food out.

It had been two weeks.

With the way that I had left it, I thought it wouldn't be bad but I was sorely mistaken.

I turned right around and closed the door behind me.

_"Hey, Anita."_

Ari was walking by me and stopped and smiled.

_"Hi, Arita. How are you?"_

_"So happy that Britt is back. I don't think I could have handled one more day with those bitches. It was good to see her put them in their place. I'm lead but they have been treating me like shit. So they definitely got what they deserved. How about you? Are you about to take care of the stench in there?"_

_"Unfortunately...yes. It's...fucking bad in there."_

_"She was in a really dark place, when she left even with you cheering her up. I'm glad she's better now." _Ari looked at me with a cocked eyebrow and stepped closer to me._ "She is better right?"_

_"As good as she can be."_

_"Can I know what happened?"_

_"You should ask her, it's her story to tell."_

Ari nodded and then walked to a door across from me and pulled it open.

It was the janitor's closet that I was about to look for.

_"I can respect that. How about I go change into some clothes and then I come in there and help you? Britt's going to be meeting with those guys for quite awhile."_

I nodded, Ari obviously knew something that I didn't know.

_"Is she going to get fired?"_ I asked before Ari began to walk away.

_"No...but she is going to be put on notice I think...they found out what really happened with Grady and Dionne."_

_"What happened with Dionne?"_

_"If she hasn't told you...then I'm not going to tell you. That's for her to tell." _

Ari winked and headed around the corner to her office.

I closed my eyes and silently promised myself that I was going to get Britt to sit down and tell me everything.

Even if it made me sick to my stomach.

* * *

The first thing that I did when I opened the office again was to pry open the two office windows.

Luckily the janitor's closet had a huge garbage can because I was able to toss the half eaten, moldy food into it without really having to touch it.

By the time that Ari, came into the room about ten minutes later, the office already smelled a million times better.

She had on rubber gloves and was carrying bathroom supplies.

_"I'll go handle stuff in there."_

She gestured towards the closed bathroom door with her toilet wand.

She looked like she was going to be sick.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes...Britt saved my life...the least that I can do is clean her bathroom."_

I nodded and returned to throwing trash away.

Ari had been in the bathroom for all of two seconds before she came stumbling back out and looking at me in horror.

She looked pale even though as far as I know she has a pretty strong stomach but something had spooked her.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"Um...maybe we should switch tasks."_

_"What is it?" _

I put down the papers that I had been sorting through and began to walk her way.

_"There is a lot of...blood in there."_

I froze and then thought back to how bad Britt was when I saw her, even with her cheering up, I knew that she was in a lot of pain.

_"What?!"_

I scrambled across the room and pushed the door open.

Ari hadn't been exaggerating.

The shower floor had dried blood on it and there was dried blood on the floor and the toilet.

It wasn't just drops either.

Judging by the state that Britt had been in, she hadn't had the strength to clean this up.

_"Okay...I'll take care of this."_

Ari nodded and swallowed hard before handing me the bucket of bathroom supplies and then taking off her gloves and handing them to me.

_"You still aren't going to tell me? I took care of her...just so you know. After he left her I made sure that she ate and held her a few times when she cried. Then when you told me what it really was...that it was an abortion...it explained so much. After you told me...I watched after her so closely. And then before she left...when they found out that she had been with Grady and threatened to fire her if she didnt' take time off...I packed her bag for her. I drove her to the airport and forced Tony to pay her airfare. So I think I should know...just how bad it was...I took over here...no one told me why...no one explained why she was taking an extra week."_

I stood there looking at Ari's cold glare.

She had been a good friend to Britt and she was right, if anyone deserved to know it was her but I really didn't feel right telling her without Britt at least aware of it.

Ari knew the look in my eyes and just nodded and started to clean the office.

She was backing off but it didn't mean it was over.

I knew her better than that.

This had been bothering her and I wasn't being forthcoming like I normally am with her.

I knew that it was frustrating, especially with how easily I had told her about the abortion.

But back then...Britt and I weren't together and I was angry about what she had done.

Now though, we had turned a new page and I didn't want to do anything behind Britt's back, even if I knew that she would be okay with it.

It went against my instincts but I had to trust this.

I needed Britt to trust me.

I needed to trust me.

So this was just how it had to be for right now.

* * *

I had been cleaning up so much blood and shit lately, that cleaning that bathroom didn't even turn my stomach.

I whipped through there in no time.

And when I stepped back into the office, I could see that Ari had finished with the office too.

She was sitting at Britt's desk with her head in her hands.

She was exhausted.

When I walked closer I could see that she had her rosary clutched in her hands and was praying.

I put the bucket down on the floor beside the door and was about to walk over to the desk when I heard Britt and Tony talking.

I peeked my head into the hallway and could see that her face was red and swollen.

She had been crying and Tony had her wrapped in his arms.

_"Hey."_ I said quietly.

Tony and I have had a very cold and formal relationship and I think it's because he is Britt's friend and confidant.

So he knows the bad and ugly stuff about me.

But in this moment he seemed different.

He looked at me for a second and then for the first time, he smiled softly at me.

I relaxed a bit and stepped fully into the hallway.

_"Thank you for taking care of her."_ He said to me as if she was his woman and not mine.

_"Always."_ I said as I looked from him to Britt.

Her head was dropped down and she was biting her lip.

Something had happened.

_"I'll leave you guys too it and Britt...this is only temporary. Okay. I'm proud of what you did in there."_

_"Thanks." _She squeaked out.

She nodded and more tears fell down her cheeks.

He kissed her forehead and then walked into his office and closed the door.

When Britt turned her gaze towards me and I saw the hurt in her eyes, I didn't say a word.

I just reached my hand out and waited for her to put her hand in mine.

She looked at my hand and then at me.

Before shaking her head.

She nearly knocked me over when she threw her arms around me and cried against my shoulder.

I rubbed her back and slowly backed us into her office.

This was not good.

* * *

Ari stood from the desk and looked between us and then walked towards the doorway.

_"I'll go."_ She whispered.

Britt shook her head as she pulled away from me.

_"No...stay...I need to talk to you. You...you need to hear this from me."_

Ari froze and turned towards us.

_"Do you want me to shut the door?"_

Britt nodded and then sat in the center of couch and dropped her head into her hands.

She was crying so hard that I felt like my heart was breaking.

She scrubbed at her face and growled in frustration.

I placed my hand on her back and rubbed between her shoulder blades.

She stilled a little bit and then took a deep breath.

_"This sucks."_ She mumbled.

* * *

Once the door was shut...Ari hovered near Britt awkwardly and shot me nervous glances.

I moved further onto the couch and put my other hand on Britt's thigh and rubbed small circles.

_"It's going to be okay...Britt. Tony said it's temporary."_

I had no idea what the hell I was talking about but Tony seemed hopeful.

So because of that...I had to be.

Britt looked at me and then nodded in agreement.

_"Hopefully."_ She said before looking up at Ari. _"You should sit down."_

Ari looked at me and then sat on the coffee table and wrapped her arms around herself.

Something she always did when she was trying to protect herself from something.

I had no idea what was happening but it was obvious that it affected not just Britt but Ari too.

Which was uncalled for in my opinion but this wasn't the time for me to think that way.

None of this was about me.

* * *

Britt took a deep breath and then looked at Ari in the eyes.

_"I'm sorry."_ she said quietly.

Ari nodded and then reached a hand out.

Britt shook her head and shook her hands out.

I was anxious.

What was going on?

How bad was it?

I took a deep breath and told myself that no matter what it was, I would be supportive and get Britt through it.

We could conquer anything.

She needed me and I wouldn't let her down.

* * *

**_A/N: I know...I'm evil...yadda yadda. Just review and I will come back fast. Promise! :)_ **


	21. Chapter 21:Backstabber

**Chapter 21: Backstabber (Ke$ha)**

* * *

_**I took a deep breath and told myself that no matter what it was, I would be supportive and get Britt through it.**_

_**We could conquer anything.**_

_**She needed me and I wouldn't let her down.**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I should have known.

Dionne had gone away a little too quietly.

Now my career was on the line because of her shit.

There was no way out of this.

She had screwed me over and I just had to deal with the consequences.

I had seen my bosses standing there watching when I was up on the stage but I kept directing the girls.

I really just tried to ignore them.

I guess that I was hoping that them seeing me hard at work would wipe away any doubt in their minds.

I hoped that it would prove to them that I was more serious about this show than I had shown in the last few months.

But when I looked down at them...their expressions hadn't changed.

I continued to dance until the tension became so thick that I couldn't focus anymore.

Mistakes happen when you aren't focused and this wasn't the time for mistakes to happen.

I stood to the side and watched the girls, try the moves that I had just shown them and that's when I noticed that Tony had been trying to get my attention.

* * *

Tony caught my eyes and when I saw his face, I could see that although he was happy to see me, he also looked really worried.

And if he was worried, I was certain that it had to do with August and Frank watching me.

Something was definitely up with them.

And I didn't like it.

I was in big trouble.

I glanced down at the seats again was still being watched and now they were whispering among themselves.

Through all of this Ana was still sitting there not noticing all the heaviness that I could feel.

She looked starstruck as she watched me work.

But right then in that moment...I didn't want her there.

It was like when someone who you purposely don't invite to a party shows up and you don't really know how to tell them to leave.

Why hadn't I called first?

Why hadn't anyone called me?

Maybe they were banking on me quitting.

I ended rehearsal and looked down at Ana.

She was standing there with so much pride in her eyes.

I tried to smile for her.

I didn't want her to be involved in anything. I wished that she had just dropped me off.

I was aching all over but the burn of my stitches was the worst part.

I couldn't worry about that right now though, I had something to prove.

My ass was on the line.

I stood on the edge of the stage and saw my two bosses giving me that look that Ana gives Izzy when he did something bad.

I knew that I had to talk to them and be honest about what was going on with me.

Tony hadn't told them anything but that I needed more time.

Which I know for a fact they hated.

I swallowed my fear and climbed down to the floor and headed straight to Ana.

At first I was going to try and convince her to just go home but the closer that I got to her and saw all the support on her face, I realized that I wanted her to wait for me.

I couldn't push her away like I normally would but I could protect her from any kind of scene.

I was happy when she gladly agreed to go to my office and was thrilled that I had left such a huge mess to distract her with, which meant she wouldn't come looking for me.

* * *

As Ana walked away, Tony threw an arm over my shoulders and leaned against my ear.

_"I'm on your side in this. Don't forget that...okay?"_

I looked in his eyes and nodded.

_"Is it really bad?"_

_"Lets just say that...Dionne-"_

_"That's enough Tony!" _Frank snapped back at us._  
_

Our heads jerked up when we realized that our conversation wasn't so private.

Frank was pissed off and that was never a good sign.

I swallowed the acid in my throat and then tried to smile.

But I didn't think that it would last long.

Tony looked at me nervously and then we followed our bosses to the other end of the theater and up the stairs towards the old balcony that had been converted into two great big offices.

This could go two ways, if we headed into one of their offices, then I was probably fired but if we went into the big conference room at the end of the hall, then it was just going to be harsh words but I would still have a job.

I hung back and waited to see which way it was going to go.

I swallowed hard when I saw, August look back at me and then he opened his office door.

_"Come on in Brittany."_

Shit.

I got even more nervous when Tony stayed in the hall with Frank.

There was something off about all of this.

And it seemed like Tony already had an idea of what it was.

But I would hold my chin up just like Ana would tell me too.

They wouldn't see me break.

That was my hope.

* * *

This could still be okay, August was the one who had gotten me the job.

He was close to Frankie and he loved me like his own daughter.

I had never heard him say a negative thing.

Maybe that was why it was him that took me into his office alone and not him and Frank.

The news would be easier coming from August, right?

_"Have a seat, Brittany."_

I nodded and slid into a seat in front of his desk.

My body screaming for me to stand once my ass hit the hard wood of the chair but I didn't show it.

I couldn't be weak.

Even if it was August.

August smiled at me and then surprised me.

He didn't sit behind his desk instead he took the chair next to me and turned it towards me.

This was new.

I was so confused.

It was like I was in high school all over again.

Be cool Lopez.

Just be cool.

* * *

_"I have to be honest with you Brittany...we didn't think that you were coming back. Well Frank didn't think so but I did. I knew that you would come back here and at least fight for your job. Frankie even confirmed it."_

_"Frankie?"_

I hadn't spoken to her since she came to New York back when I auditioned Ari...and so it shocked me that she had vouched for me.

_"Yes. I called her to ask if she had been in contact with you. She told me that she hadn't really been in touch with you since her son was born. She did promise me that you would have a good reason for all this time that you have squandered."_

_"Squandered?"_

My head was everywhere and no where at the same time.

_"You have still been getting paid your normal salary, even with you sleeping around with one of the dancers. We have kept you on, even when you pushed your work off onto other people like Ariana. And you know how Frank is about her. I never heard the end of that rant. I nearly passed out when today things were suddenly different. Because suddenly, today, you came back in here like you owned the place. You showed us why we hired you and now we are both conflicted. Now we are wondering if this version of you is back for good."_

I nodded as I took in what he had just said.

After a moment, I realized that he was waiting for some kind of response from me.

_"I'm back for good. I went through some pretty hard stuff but I'm back to do my job. I'll do whatever you ask of me...just don't fire me, please August?"_

I wasn't above begging.

_"I don't want to fire you Brittany. That's why you are in here with me and not in with Frank...I needed to see where your head was before I vouched for you in a few minutes."_

This wasn't it?

There was more to all of this?

August saw my confusion and patted my knee.

_"Frank wants to meet with you and me after he is done talking to Tony."_

Tony was in with Frank?

Had I put his neck on the line too?

I would never forgive myself if I had.

_"So I'm not getting fired?"_

_"Not today...but there is still a big chance that you will, if you don't cooperate. If you want this job then you have some explaining to do."_

_"Explaining?"_

I wasn't sure what they knew exactly but I knew that it was something bigger than just me and Grady.

_"About Grady and Dionne. About the state of your office, the drug usage...and about your extended vacation. If we are going to keep you on then you need to be completely honest with us. We need to know whether keeping you on will be a benefit or a liability at this point."_

Honesty.

Why was everyone so obsessed with that lately?

Being honest with my personal business with Ana was one thing, but my bosses too?

Where was I supposed to draw the line?

At unemployment?

* * *

August ushered me into the conference room where Tony and Frank were already sitting.

Tony looked angry as he looked at me and then over at August.

_"This is bullshit, August!"_ Tony stood from his chair and pointed a finger towards Frank. _"Don't do this to her. She's been through enough!"_

_"Like what? It would be nice if her bosses knew don't you think?"_ Frank said with a stupid smile on his face.

_"Tony...calm down...this meeting is about us all getting on even footing. Our investors will be in for the whole month of September and we need to all be on the same page or we are all out of a job. Brittany plays a major part in that."_ August said as he sat beside me.

I was quiet and so was Tony as he sat back down in his chair and looked at me.

I was silent as I sat at my end of the table and looked at the three of them on the other end.

This was not how I thought this day would turn out.

But I was prepared for the worst.

Because I had a drug addict for a wife and because my son was constantly in and out of the hospital...I was used to this kind of thing.

And so I was never completely unprepared.

Ana had always told me to never be like Rachel and blurt out the first thing that came to my mind.

So I would wait until I actually knew what they knew.

* * *

Frank leaned over the table, looked across at me and smiled but I could see right through him.

He wanted me gone.

I could see it all over his face but he was outnumbered.

Tony and August were in my corner.

For now.

There was some stuff that I would rather forget and I was hoping that Dionne hadn't said anything about it.

_"The moment that you two push too fucking hard...I'm taking her out of here." _Tony said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

August nodded in agreement.

_"Okay."_ August said before looking over at Frank. _"Where do you want to start?"_

_"The sex on my stage."_

I nearly choked, I thought we were alone that night.

_"What?"_

_"Yes...sex on my stage. I walked out of my office and there you two were going at it on the middle of my stage like jack rabbits!"_

Tony growled...Frank actually looked scared and immediately apologized.

_"What do you want to know about it?"_ I asked plainly.

I wasn't going to play any of Frank's games.

_"How long after we hired Grady did you start having sex with him?"_

_"What does that have to do with anything, Frank?"_ Tony asked before I could answer.

_"It matters because there is a rule in both of your contracts that strictly forbids affairs with the dancers. It also has guidelines about drug usage. From what I know, Brittany broke both of those rules."_

I was tired and I couldn't keep up with the arguing going on in front of me.

They were all yelling at each other now.

It was making my skin rise and my head pound.

Finally I had enough and slammed my hands on the table.

_"Stop!"_

* * *

All three of them froze when I stood up

_"Please...I'll tell you what you want to know."_

_"I want to know everything." _Frank said finally.

I nodded and leaned forward on my hands.

I couldn't do this sitting down...I wanted to seem in control.

It's something that I learned from Sue...always seem larger than your opponent.

And this was the only way that I could do it.

So I sighed and then started at the beginning.

_"I hired Dionne and she flirted with me endlessly. I didn't sleep with her. We kissed once. We smoked weed...but not here. At my house. She stayed with me for a while and then she told me about her friend that was this amazing dancer. Tony was looking for the male lead so I sent her to him. I didn't meet Grady until after Santana went into rehab. We started off as just friends. We flirted a little but it was harmless. Then one night...we were dancing...just for fun after we had both gotten way too high. Yes...it was in my office. It went a little too far. We had sex on the stage...I got pregnant but didn't know it. I know that's against the rules too. I didn't tell anyone because I was still trying to work things out with my wife. Dionne had been staying at my house until my sister in law put me out for smoking in the house while my son was there. She thought I was sleeping with Dionne...so I found Dionne a place with my friend Rachel. She kept trying to sleep with me. I refused her. Santana and I broke up after that...so Grady and I kept things going. I was still professional...I was still doing my job. I hired every single one of those girls, when I was sober and trained them. I did my job. Then things fell apart with Santana...I told Grady how I wanted to go back to her and he got mad. He threatened to leave the show...I begged him not to. Then I went Lima for our break...and my world fell apart. He showed up after my parents kicked me out after finding out that I was pregnant. Dionne had gotten into Grady's ear about me being back in Lima sleeping with Santana...anyway...I came back here and he told me that he had enlisted in the military so that he could better take care of our baby but then the next day...after he spent the night with Dionne...he came in and made me feel like complete shit. He convinced me to get an abortion. He told me that you two would fire me. So I did it. He left me here by myself and I got depressed. I got sick and so Tony and Ari covered for me. They didn't know what was going on...just that Grady had left me. I was so depressed that I stopped taking care of myself. I was too weak to dance, I was too sick to get out of bed. Santana came here and got me on my feet enough to try and work. Then I got sick again. Thankfully Santana...found you_ _guys_ _Tucker. Who has not steered you wrong. And if it wasn't for her you wouldn't have Ari either, by the way."_ I said pointing at Frank. He looked at me and bowed his head before looking at me with that coolness again. They were all looking at me with looks of horror. They had asked for this and so I was giving it to them. It was the first time that I had said most of this stuff out loud and it actually felt good.

_"And the extended vacation?" _August said in a whisper.

_"When you guys told me that I had no choice but to take those two weeks off...I spent the first week with my kids. The second week I got really sick and ended up in the hospital. I almost died. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy. I needed that extra week because I could barely walk on my own. I came back as soon as I could."_

* * *

After I finished pouring out my soul, I sat back in my chair and looked at Tony.

He was clenching his jaw as he looked at me with a hurt look in his eyes.

He had bits and pieces but had never heard the full story.

I was so proud of myself for not crying.

It was silent for a long time and then finally August broke through it all.

_"Thank you for that information, Brittany. I'm sorry that you went through such a hard time. I wish that you had come to us about it. It must have been really hard to go through that sort of thing."_

_"Thank you August but I'm better now and I just want to work."_ I said quietly.

_"Why don't you step out for a second...go get some water...while we talk about this?"_ August said.

I nodded and slowly walked from the room.

Had I done the right thing?

Should I have found out what they knew first?

They asked for honesty right?

I had told them everything.

* * *

I stood leaning against the vending machine trying to calm down my emotions when Tony poked his head into the hall and waved me back in.

Everything was quiet as I sat back at the end of the table.

August wouldn't look at me and Tony wouldn't look at Frank.

It was really tense and horrible.

Frank cleared his throat and then looked at me with the same harsh expression.

_"It's really sad that you had to go through something so horrible. It's commendable that you were able to still dance today. Unfortunately, you still broke several rules and that means that we have to follow through with the consequences, if we ever want to move forward."_

_"Okay...what are the consequences."_ I leaned forward on the table and crossed my hands.

He wasn't going to break me.

_"Every move that you made is now in question. Frankly, the entire time that you have been here, you haven't been entirely focused. So every single dancer that you hired will have to re-audition...including Ariana, unfortunately."_

I looked at him in disbelief.

Even with his love of Ariana this was still happening.

But I'm sure that it was Tony's way of keeping him fair.

If he was going to be stuck on rules then he had to be fair all the way.

Still this seemed extreme.

_"Frank...I hired 48 dancers. You want me to re-audition all of them?"  
_

_"No."  
_

_"Oh thank God...that's extreme."  
_

He seemed pleased with my answer.

_"No...YOU will not re-audition them. Tony and August will. Until every slot has been reviewed you are suspended. You still have to report to work to help Tony with anything he needs but you will not be paid for it. Also...given that you don't seem to be the person that we hired...you are going to need to re-audition as well."  
_

I wanted to explode.

_"What?!" _I looked at Tony and he looked away from me.

This is what he had been angry about and now he couldn't meet my eyes.

I had 48 jobs on the line now because of my actions, well 49 if I included myself.

How could I think that I could think that I would get away with this?

* * *

_"Do you agree with those terms?"_ Frank asked after I had been silent for too long.

_"I already told August that I was willing to do what every he asked. So I'm not going to go back on that."_

_"Good...then we are done here."_

_"Not quite."_

_"Excuse me?"_

_"What did she tell you?"_

_"Who?"_ His eyebrows raised.

_"Dionne Parker. What did she say to you, since this is a time of honesty?"_

Frank looked at August but didn't say anything.

Finally August looked at me in the eyes and sighed really heavy.

_"She told us that you threw yourself at Grady and threatened to fire him if he didn't sleep with you. Which was suspect since only Tony, Frank or I can fire the male dancers. She told us that you were selling marijuana to the other dancers. We asked around and none of the other dancers verified that story. So we were iffy about her claims but then she talked about other things...like you sleeping with Grady around the theater and we started to think that some of what she was saying was true. We wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. You hired that girl. So now...we need to go back and look through the rest of the dancers that you hired. We can't afford to have someone like that on our staff. It will create chaos. We want you Brittany...we just need you to be on board and hopefully you having to audition to regain your position as a head choreographer will help you regain your focus. This is just temporary."_

I nodded and then looked at Tony...he wasn't buying anything that August was saying.

He was still angry.

I just wanted to cry.

Why couldn't I just quit?

Right...this was my dream.

I just wasn't sure that it was still worth it.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It was like watching a train wreck.

Ari's whole face dropped and went pale as she listened to Britt tell her what happened in the meeting.

Britt wasn't crying anymore, instead she was looking at Ari and waiting for some kind of explosion but Ari didn't say anything she just looked at me and then back at Britt.

_"I have to go."_ she jumped up from the edge of the coffee table and left the room.

She was pissed.

Britt stared after her as if she was hoping that Ari would come back.

But I knew that she wouldn't.

This was her dream...her life and she had dropped out of school and given up a prestigious scholarship to take this job and Brittany had jeopardized that by messing with Grady when she knew that it was against the rules.

If it hadn't been for Britt telling her just how sick she had gotten, how she had the hysterectomy, I was pretty sure that Ari would have torn her down but she had swallowed her anger and left before she could say anything hurtful.

I sat there staring at Britt, waiting for her to say something but she didn't and then my phone started buzzing.

Britt looked at me and then got up and went into the bathroom and slammed the door.

I heard the lock click and knew that she just needed some time alone.

We were being more open and honest but we still needed our space and I knew that this was one of those moments where I had to let her come to me.

* * *

**_Where are you guys?-Q_**

**_We are coming home soon. Is dinner ready?-San_**

**_Yes, but it's late and the kids are tired.-Q_**

**_Are they in bed yet?-San_**

**_Izzy is. Puck put him down. He was cranky and hitting Beth and the baby.-Q_**

**_Oh. Wow not good...I'm going to see if B is ready...we should be home in about a half hour.-San_**

**_Ok...see you then.-Q_**

**_Thanks for this!-San_**

**_Anytime.-Q_**

* * *

I heard glass breaking in the bathroom and immediately jumped up.

Before I could knock on the door, it cracked open.

Britt knew that I would demand to come in so she wasn't going to fight me on it.

I pushed open the door and could see that it was the mirror of above the sink that had taken the hit.

I looked straight at Britt's hands but they looked undamaged.

Then I saw that she was missing a shoe.

It was in the sink.

_"Well...that's interesting."_ I joked.

Britt looked up at me with a confused look and then shrugged.

_"I remembered how you broke your hand and so I threw my shoe instead."  
_

_"I see, that was smart."  
_

_"Are you mad at me too?"_

She looked up at me with that sad face that I couldn't resist.

I reached for her hand and she slid it into mine.

I pulled her from the bathroom and out into the office.

She looked sad and hurt but I didn't falter.

_"No, B. In fact...I'm proud of you. So fucking proud."_

She sat back on the couch and looked up at me in shock.

_"Are you serious?"_

I nodded and then walked over to her office door and locked it.

_"Very."_

* * *

Britt sat there looking at me as I stood by the door.

Then as if on instinct she leaned forward and licked her lips.

I lifted my shirt over my head and then unclasped my bra as I made my way back to her.

She licked her lips again before pulling her bottom lip into her mouth.

I pushed down my shorts and panties in one shot and then straddled her lap completely naked.

_"I can't believe you are doing this right now."_

She looked up at me with her eye brows raised.

_"I want you so bad, B. Right now...take me...please?"_ I begged.

She put her hands on my hips and then leaned up and captured my lips.

_"Why?"_ she pulled away and looked at me in confusion.

_"Because...you could have gone up there and quit but you didn't. You talked about all the shit that you have been holding in and then you came in here and you told me. I'm so proud of you."_

She still seemed hesitant but that didn't last long once I took her hand and placed it between my legs.

She moaned into my mouth.

_"You're really wet."_ She whispered.

_"Only for you, Britt...now fuck me...please?"_ I said as I looked her straight in the eyes.

I threw my head back when she kissed my chest and at the same time she pushed her fingers inside of me.

I rested my forehead against hers and growled. _"Yessssss...like that. God...Britt, I've missed you so much!"_ I moaned.

_"Show me how much."_ she whispered.

She was into this now and I didn't let her stop being into it until I came so hard that I had to bite her shoulder to keep from screaming.

It was hot and heavy...

And really, really good.

* * *

**_On our way!-San_**

**_Did you guys have sex?-Q_**

**_After all the sex I walked in on this summer, you have no room to talk, Lucy.-San_**

**_It was just twice!-Q_**

**_My treehouse has lost it's magick!-San_**

**_If anything it has more now ;)-Q_**

**_That's just nasty!-San_**

**_In a good way? ;)-Q_**

**_In a nasty way!-San_**

**_Ugh! Just get here ;P-Q_**

**_As I said...we are on our way.-San  
_**

* * *

We returned to the apartment the same way that we had left it. **_  
_**

Hand in hand.

Noah was sitting on the couch with Beth sleeping on his chest.

I took a quick picture on my phone and then smiled down at them.

_"Hey Nono."_

_"Hey."_

I leaned in and kissed his cheek and then stood back up and looked around.

The apartment was spotless and the dining room table was empty.

_"Where's Quinn?"_ I whispered, not wanting to wake up Beth.

_"She's getting the baby ready for bed."_

I nodded and then headed towards the nursery.

Britt didn't follow, instead she fell back on the couch next to Noah and closed her eyes as she rested against his shoulder.

She had a really rough day.

And the sex didn't seem to help.

I had thought that being intimate would help her to not feel so low but maybe it just wasn't the right time?

* * *

When I poked my head into the nursery, Quinn was about to sit down in the glider and feed Daniela.

I noticed Rachel was sitting on a bean bag chair, drawing, her new obsession.

She was surprisingly good.

_"Hey...I can take it from here."_ I said quietly.

_"Yay!"_ Quinn said quietly as she handed me the baby tiredly. _"I'm going to go heat up your food. Where's B?"_

_"She's in the living room and she didn't have such a good night...so no sarcasm."_ I said as I sat in the glider.

_"You got it."_

Quinn left the room and shut the door behind her.

Rachel was really focused on what she was doing so I just focused on getting my baby to eat without biting my nipple off.

Her teeth were getting super sharp and so this couldn't happen for much longer.

After I had the baby situated, I looked down at Rachel and saw that she was closing her book.

_"Hey Rachel? Can I ask you something?"_

She looked at me and nodded quietly.

There had to be something on her mind because she was never this much in her head.

_"Of course."_ She said as she crossed her ankles and rested back on her hands.

_"What did you think of Dionne?"_

_"Ugh...worst roommate ever."_

_"Then why did you live with her?"_

_"I had just got out of rehab and needed a roommate. Britt told Quinn that her friend was looking for a roommate and so...I moved in with her. She was horrible. Loud sex...drinking...drugs. She was just bad and frankly, I'm surprised that Brittany even had a friend like her."_

_"She almost got Britt fired today."_

Rachel looked at me in shock and then shook her head in disbelief.

_"I'm glad she's gone. She is just a horrible person."_

_"So, I've heard."_

_"How are you doing with everything?"_

_"I'm okay."_

_"Britt called me and told me...when you two were in the woods. She told me about you going to that house. I'm proud of you for not giving in...even if it was just seconds."_

I nodded and looked down at my little girl who was fighting sleep.

_"Thanks. I went off the deep end...but I didn't use."_ I said as I looked back up at her.

_"You should be proud of that."_

_"But I almost did...I was so close...I wanted to use."_

_"And now? Do you want to?"_

I shook my head and meant it.

_"No."_

_"I had a night like that...after rehab...it was one of the nights that I had a double shift at the restaurant and I came home to Dionne and Brittany sitting on my couch both drunk off their asses and smoking marijuana. There was so much liquor and beer everywhere, you would think there was a party but it had just been the two of them. I was cleaning the kitchen and right there on the counter was a shot already poured that they must have forgotten about. I picked it up, I sniffed it, I even put it to my lips but then Britt was yelling at Dionne about how she was married and that she wasn't interested. It got my attention because I remembered who she was married to...you. I put down the shot but that was the day I realized that sobriety is up to me...it can be easy to fall apart and just do it...just a taste...but then a taste turns into just a sip or a snort and the next thing you know...you have fallen completely off the wagon."_

_"Yea...I totally felt like that. I don't want to go back to using, Rachel."_

She smiled and then leaned over and wrapped me in a hug.

I rested my head on her shoulder and took a deep breath.

She was a true friend.

Hopefully, Britt would learn to find better friends than people like Dionne.

She just had to learn that those friends can come in the strangest ways.

A few years ago, I wouldn't be caught dead hugging Rachel Berry and enjoying it.

Now though...I was different.

I was better.

And even though right now she felt lower than low, Britt was a better person too.

She just needed to get her confidence back.

* * *

_**A/N: There is so much going on in this chapter...I hope that it makes sense. Review!** _


	22. Chapter 22:Clocks

**Chapter 22: Clocks (Coldplay)**

* * *

_**Now though...I was different.**_

_**I was better.**_

_**And even though right now she felt lower than low, Britt was a better person too.**_

_**She just needed to get her confidence back.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"I had my first piano lesson when I was four years old. It had been Tio Gene's idea. He had noticed that when music came on, especially song with pianos, I would go into a deep trance. _

_If it had been Abuela who had noticed this, I would have been declared insane and sent to a convent...but thankfully it was Mami's favorite brother instead. _

_Papi insisted that if I was going to learn the piano that I needed to do it right so he found the best piano teacher in all of Lima, Madeline Karofsky to teach me. _

_I took to the piano better than I took to words. At one point I had gone completely mute for three days because the only thing that made sense was the sound of the keys. _

_When I wasn't in church, I was usually parked in front of a baby grand. Papi had even bought Abuela one so that I would never be too far from my new obsession. _

_I had even roped Ari into it. She wanted to be this great dancer on Broadway and on television, so I would dig up these old symphonies and practice them while she danced. _

_Seeing her like that, moving to my music, made me fall in love with her. Even at such a young age. I began to play even more obsessively, looking for the write notes just for her. _

_So when I was about to have my confirmation, I surprised Ari with this song that I had composed for her. That night in my Abuela's living room sealed our fates. Even though we weren't touching each other, Abuela didn't like the way we kept stealing glances at each other. _

_When we were separated from each other and I was home, I spent hours just playing. I made a game out of it. _

_How long could I go without food or water?_

_How long could I just exist on music?_

_I once went two whole days once. _

_When I passed out...I stopped playing that game. _

_After that it was play until Mami or Papi comes home._

_Marco hated my piano playing. _

_But I did it anyway...up until Papi broke my hand._

_He had gotten fed up with Marco always complaining about me playing. Marco got it into his head that it was distracting me. _

_Papi came home drunk one day and I was playing and he slammed the lid down...it caught my left hand and shattered it. I was in a cast for four months and had to get two surgeries. _

_I didn't play again until Ian's funeral. _

_And now...someone wants to pay me to do it. _

_It's why I push you. All my life the only talent I have had that makes me feel one with my soul is creating music. I know what it feels like to feel that whole mess with your talent, with what you were born to do. That's why I don't want you to give up on dancing."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Ana laid on her back looking at an old picture of her playing her first piano recital.

I had awoken to her searching through old totes of stuff, she had been looking for the picture.

When I asked her what she was doing she came back to bed and handed me the picture of her as a child.

She had this terrible mullet from when she had decided to be Uncle Jesse for Halloween.

And even though it was a terrible haircut, she still looked beautiful as she focused on the keys and smiled secretly to herself.

I knew that smile...it was one of my favorites of hers.

She usually only had it when she had accomplished something that she had no hope of mastering.

I had seen it when she had perfected her side splits in Cheerios, I saw it again the first time that she held Izzy and then again with Dani, and I saw it again the day that we stood in front of the judge and got "married."

_"You were such a beautiful kid...I bet this is what Dani will look like."_

I had said as I handed the picture back to her.

She stared at it for a long time before she started explaining her story.

I had always wondered about the long scar that ran along the side of her hand and cut across her palm but I had never asked.

She probably wouldn't have been honest about it, because she didn't really tell me about the abuse from her father, in the past...even when there was a black eye or other bruises crisscrossing her body.

I knew that it was something that she didn't want to think about when we were in school...so I didn't bother pushing her to talk about it. She had Quinn to talk to and that was enough for me.

Now though, those kind of things were important to me.

If they were still important to her.

The thing that bothered me though...about all of it was that she had gone so long without playing, even in glee club.

_"What about glee? It was a safe space...people would have gone crazy over your talent." _

_"Because glee wasn't a safe space for me like it was for Rachel or Finn. When Quinn got pregnant, everyone closed ranks around her and yes...there was that attempted intervention but it wasn't because any of them had noticed it was because of you and Quinn. I had you two before glee club and now I have you after. It was the best part of my day because it was music and even if I had to sing back up...I still got to relish in the music. The piano though...is very personal to me and I couldn't let them see that side of me. It would have been like baring my soul for them to pick at...I didn't want to be pitied. Does that make sense?"_

She was still clutching the picture as she ranted about how glee club wasn't everything that it was supposed to be. Ana turned her head and looked at me and I just nodded.

She was right.

I agreed with her.

It was Sue that had been the one to help her to stay up to date and graduate on time...not Mr. Schue.

When she was struggling...even now...Sue knew that she was going in search of drugs.

There was something that Sue had with her Cheerios that Mr. Schue never did.

We were her family but to Mr. Schue...if you weren't his favorites...you got pushed to the back.

* * *

I turned onto my side and rested a hand on Ana's exposed stomach. I was mindlessly tracing the small stretch marks when she stilled my hand with hers.

_"I'm worried about you, B."_ She looked up into my eyes and gave me my second favorite smile...it was her confused one.

I didn't see it very often but when I did...I enjoyed it because it was rare.

_"I'm worried too. I know that I can do this. I can dance in my sleep...you said it yourself but after seeing some of the dancers yesterday...I know for a fact that some of them are going to be out of a job. If I hadn't stopped training them...they would all be where they need to be...but they aren't and telling them that they have to go through an audition again...in front of Frank!"_

She shook her head and placed a hand on my cheek.

_"That's not what I mean...I mean yes all of that is sad...but if they want their jobs then they are just going to have to prove it...just like you. What I'm talking about...is about what you told me yesterday...about Grady and Dionne. I feel like there is something missing from that story. There's something that you aren't saying."_

My heart dropped.

I know I'm not supposed to be keeping anything from her but this was something that I really didn't want to tell her. There was nothing that could be done now.

_"There is."_ I admitted as I began to trace the lines on her stomach again.

She shifted and laid on her side facing me.

"_Can you tell me what it is?"_

_"I can...I just...I don't want you to be mad at me."_

_"We can work through whatever it is."_

_"I know that we can and I was going to tell you at some point...I just...I wanted our trust to be better. At first I thought that maybe I could just ignore anything to do with Dionne."_

I began to get a cramp in my side so I sat up and then pulled the picture of little Santana into my hands.

She was so focused, so determined to conquer that piano and when I looked over at her in this moment...she was reflecting the same kind of determination.

She was trying to understand me.

To take me as I was, even through the things that I had done.

Ana rolled back onto her back and crossed her hands over her chest and then closed her eyes. She was trying to wait me out but that wouldn't work. I wasn't going to just come right out with it.

This was just too much.

_"Just tell me, B. Please?"_

She finally sighed and looked up at me.

_"Before, Sandra stepped in and took the kids...before she cut me off and changed the locks on the house. I did some things. She promised to not tell you if I left the house quietly...and so I did."_

Ana nodded and continued to look at me with open eyes.

_"What did you do?"_

_"It was just after Quinn moved out, Dionne was auditioning and then after I hired her...she tracked me down at the house. She soon became like my shadow...so I trusted her...even though I knew immediately that you would hate her. I had just started messing around with Grady and I had them both over. Quinn had Dani that day and so it was just me and Izzy. I had taken Grady upstairs and left Izzy downstairs with Dionne." _Ana sat up and looked at me with wide eyes and a raised eyebrow. _"I thought that he would be okay. So Sandra showed up. Grady and I were pretty into it when we started hearing screaming and cursing coming from downstairs. I immediately recognized, Sandra's voice and panicked. I hid Grady in the bathroom and quickly got dressed. Sandra met me on the stairs, holding a wheezing Izzy in her arms. She looked like she wanted to kill me, kind of how you are looking at me right now."_

Ana didn't move a muscle, except to swallow and then she licked her lips and whispered,_ "Why was he wheezing?"_

_"Sandra had walked in on Dionne smoking a blunt while she sat on the floor next Izzy watching Elmo with him. Sandra threw her out of the house literally. Izzy's asthma was never as bad as it was that day. We ended up having to take him to the hospital because a treatment didn't work. After that...Sandra told me to leave the house. She promised not to tell you because she knew that it would upset you and mess up your recovery. After that, I had to look for an apartment and so I did...I got one with Dionne. She ended up stealing my credit card and racking up all these charges...like almost 100 thousand. When I went to pay them off from our joint account...Sandra noticed and shut down my access to the account. After that...I pushed Dionne off on Rachel and Quinn...hoping that they would be able to stop her from being such a crazy person. She was jealous of me and Grady...I'm still not sure if they are related...if they are...they have a really creepy relationship. She convinced Grady that I was sleeping with you...and you know the rest."_

_"I understand why you were afraid to tell me."_

And that's all she said.

* * *

Ana leaned in and kissed my face and then pulled back and looked in my eyes.

_"That's it? I tell you my biggest secret and you don't even yell at me?" _I was angry.

I had been tormented by this and here she was just looking at me in understanding.

_"I am upset, Britt...but there's nothing that I can do about it. Plus...it seems like you learned a valuable lesson in who you leave around our kids...right?"_

_"Yes...of course! Seeing Izzy like that...so sick because of something that I had done...again...it broke my heart."_

_"I'm sorry that she used you, Britt Britt. I really want to kick her ass."_

_"I'd love to watch that happen." _I said as I thought of all the trouble that Dionne had caused in my life.

_"Mama! Mami! Eat, eat! Ma!" _

We both burst into laughter, when we heard Izzy calling us.

It lifted the heaviness that I felt.

Ana leaned in and kissed my face and then pulled back.

There was that smile...she had mastered me.

Solved me.

Figured me out.

_"Promise me that kind of thing won't happen again, Brittany."_

I sucked in a breath when she said my full name.

There was that hint of anger that I was expecting.

_"I swear it to you, Ana. I promise that I will never ever put our kids in harms way again. Ever!"_

The spark of anger left her eyes and she leaned in and kissed my lips again.

_"Good."_ she pulled back just enough to speak. _"I promise the same thing. I'm not innocent...I've put both of them in harms way, so I have to forgive you...because you forgave me. So I promise to think before I act when it comes to them and hope that you do the same."_

_"I will."_

And just like that...my greatest secret, the thing that had been holding me down for so long, was forgiven.

I was really liking the new direction that our relationship was taking.

No pun intended.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Once we got out of the bed that morning, after spilling our hearts out, Britt and I went our separate ways.

She had to get to work and I had to do the domestic thing.

Thankfully, she took the time to feed Isaac and help me to make the bed before kissing me and heading out the door.

Once she was gone, I parked the kids in front of one of those little Einsteins videos and went to grab my laptop.

I was in search of the perfect piano and I wasn't going to stop until I found it.

_"Emo! Mami, pees?" _

I looked up and saw that Isaac was staring at me with the saddest expression.

How could I say no to that?

I put the laptop down and went in search of his favorite Elmo dvd.

_"Mami, ook!"_

I turned around to where he was pointing and there was Daniela standing up without holding anything. She looked at me with pride in her eyes.

Thankfully, I had my phone because this was one of those moments that I would want to remember.

It was a moment that I had completely missed with Isaac.

I knelt down and hit record on my phone. Isaac head over towards her but didn't touch her he just called to her.

_"Dani...wak Mami...ook...Dani come ere!"_

This was priceless.

Daniela eventually fell on her butt and clapped her hands at her achievement.

She would be walking soon enough and now that I looked around...there were a lot of sharp corners.

Suddenly I was nervous.

What if something bad happened?

* * *

_"Well hello to you, my long lost sister!"_

Sandra's voice came through the phone loud and clear, making me smile.

I had gotten so close to her in the last year but the last few months I had pulled back from all of my sisters.

I was rediscovering myself but I really did miss them.

_"Hey...what are you doing?"_

_"The boys and I are out by the pool enjoying our last few days of summer before school starts. What are you doing, baby sis?"_

_"Freaking out...Daniela stood today...all by herself and now I'm noticing all the pointy surfaces."_ I rambled.

_"Okay...just breathe. It's going to be okay. There's a company that actually will come out and baby proof your house...I'll text you the number. Relax, people have been raising babies for thousands of years."_

_"You're right."_ I took a deep breath and looked at my two babies staring at me from Daniela's crib.

_"Now tell me when your sisters will get to see you? You have been back in New York for days and I have yet to see you or my niece and nephew."_

_"Britt and I were getting settled and she's back at work."_

_"Oh." _

_"Oh? That's all you have to say when I bring her up?"_

There was a heavy sigh on the other end.

_"There are just some things...she wasn't...when you were gone..."_ Sandra sighed again so I decided to put her out of her misery.

_"She told me everything. I know about Dionne and all the trouble she caused...including her smoking in front of my son."_

_"She did?"_

_"A lot has happened, Sandra. I think it would be beneficial if we all sat down and talked about this."_

_"No."_

* * *

I stood there stock still as I took in the fact that she was denying me.

She shocked me.

_"Ma?"_ Daniela was reaching out to me and whining so I picked her up and made my way to the glider. Isaac looked at me in defeat and laid down...at least he knows how to put himself to sleep.

_"What do you mean, no?"_ I asked after situating Daniela.

_"I mean just that. She has broken my trust in her over and over again. I'm not just going to let her back so easily. I should have stood my ground when she nearly killed you."_

_"She's not that person anymore, Sandra."_

_"You say that a lot, Santana. She's good for a while but then she gets this itch to do wrong when you aren't around and I'm sick of it."_

_"I love her...doesn't that count for anything?"_

_"Not really. You're judgement hasn't been so good either...so no that doesn't mean much."_

_"That's harsh."_

_"Look...I gave her the chance to walk away from the house that day, I even let her pay off that huge debt her little friend caused...but this is where I draw the line. I can't take her in as willingly as you and if it was Johnny...I would respect you if you felt the same way."_

_"I'm ending this conversation."_

_"Why because it makes you uncomfortable? Fuck that...we are Lopezes we don't fucking back down because we are uncomfortable."_

_"Fine."_

_"Tell me what changed. You went back to Lima and told me that it was for you to get away from the city and get some space from Brittany after she cheated on you...again! So tell me what happened?"_

_"She experienced loss. That changes a person."_

_"Loss? Seriously? What could she have possibly gone through that changed her that much?"_

_"I really would rather not talk about this over the phone."_

_"I don't give a flying fuck, Santana. You owe me this."_

Suddenly, all the emotions that I had lost...the Santana that had learned to roll over and take it slipped away and all my vitriol came back.

_"I don't owe anybody shit! I don't have to bow down to anybody but God. My loyalties are to my children and to Jesus. I love you, Sandra but don't you sit there at your fucking mansion and tell me that I owe you a fucking thing."_

_"Look who's back! And disrespecting me no less! Do you have any idea the amount of shit that I have had to clean up for you in the last two years? Do you have any fucking clue how much my marriage has suffered? Looking after you and your fucking bat shit crazy wife has been a full time job! I can't believe you are going to let her come between us."_

_"I'm not! You are. I asked you to do one simple thing!" _I yelled back. Isaac immediately started crying, at the same time that Daniela bit down on my nipple and I screamed louder._"Shit! Are we through? Can I hang up now?"_

_"You know what...go ahead. Fuck you Santana!"_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Brittany!" _I looked up as I walked into the theater and there was August standing on the balcony, between offices and looking down at me. I smiled at him and he waved me up._ "Come up to my office. I need to talk to you." _

What now?

I smiled again and made my way across the back of the theater and towards the stairs.

Yesterday had been a really tough day and so I was hoping that maybe I could go to my office, review some of the music and a get together the files of all the dancers that I had hired.

Tony had asked for the files so that he could look through them before scheduling the auditions.

He had to go through them as quietly as possible since the investors were already in town and could pop in on us at any moment.

But now, I had to go and talk to August...this was not shaping up to be the best day.

I was hoping that even though I felt like crap, that I could still slap on my old Brittany smile and fake happiness until it just happened.

That works sometimes...right?

I had been off my meds for a month now because they reacted with my antibiotics and now my pain pills but I was really thinking of visiting my therapist.

I needed help.

I wasn't ashamed to admit that anymore.

* * *

When I got just outside of August's office, I could hear that he wasn't alone.

I knocked and whoever was inside got silent.

_"Come in Brittany."_

I pushed the door open and just froze when I saw who was standing there.

_"Frankie?"_

She smiled at me and then opened her arms.

_"Look at you...it's so good to see you!"_

I leaned into her hug and immediately felt how different it was.

It was like the hug of an old friend that you haven't seen naked, who you haven't made climb wall and scream in pleasure.

It was just what I needed at the moment.

Once the hug ended, I stepped back and sat down in the chair. My stomach was on fire again.

Maybe walking to work wasn't the best idea.

It was a longer walk now...almost fifteen blocks.

I placed a hand on my stomach and drew more attention than I meant to.

_"Are you alright, Brittany?"_ August said as he leaned over his desk.

I nodded and swallowed the burning in my throat.

_"Yes."_

Frankie sat down next to me and reached out for my hand.

I gave it to her and she held it comfortingly in her lap.

_"Auggie told me what happened. What you went through...and I flew straight here to offer my services. Siobhan is in Italy until Christmas...she's playing over there. So me and Brendan came here...to help."_

Brendan must be her son.

_"You didn't have to do that."_

My voice sounded tight and raw to my ears.

I was fighting the pain and the tears.

This was the last thing that I wanted.

To be replaced by someone that I once loved.

* * *

_"Hey Auggie...can you give us a minute?"_

_"Of course...I'll be down on the stage with Tony...just come on down when you're done in here."_

August left and shut the door.

Now I was all alone with Frankie.

_"You don't look happy to see me, Britt...talk to me."_

_"I can't believe that he told you."_ I looked at her and then dropped my head.

_"He didn't mean to. I kind of badgered him until he said something. I am so sorry for your loss." _

_"What does that even mean? It's not even your fault so why would you apologize for it?"_

_"I guess...in some small way...I feel responsible."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Well." _

Suddenly Frankie shifted in her seat and looked away from me.

_"Well what?"_

_"She was fucking up the tour...so I kind of sent Dionne your way."_

I was speechless.

_"What?! So she could fuck up my life, instead?"_ I jumped to my feet, entirely ready to storm out but ended up bent over clutching my stomach. _"Fuck."_ I muttered as I fell back into the chair slowly. I was still bent over when I felt her touch my back. _"Don't touch me." _

_"I'm sorry, Britt. I had no idea th-"_

I cut her off.

_"Stop. I-I just...stop."_

_"Okay. Just...let me do something for you? Anything? What do you need?"_

_"To be left the fuck alone."_ I moaned as the tears escaped from my eyes where I had been trying to trap them.

_"I don't think Santana would like that."_

I looked over at her and just from the look in her eyes, I could tell that she was right.

Ana wouldn't want anyone to leave me like this.

_"Fine...water."_ I said with what little breath I had.

Frankie sprang to her feet and rushed out of the office and to the vending machine in the hallway.

I just wanted to go home.

* * *

Once I drank two bottles of water and was able to control my breathing, I stood to my feet and looked down at Frankie.

_"So what exactly do they have lined up for you?"_

She nodded, accepting that I was not going to talk about what she had just told me.

Which was a good thing, because with the way I was feeling...I might have killed her or something.

The fire was pumping through my veins but I would not go there again.

I would not put my hands on anyone in anger even if their actions caused me a great deal of physical and emotional pain.

_"August told me that Frank wanted to replace you...with Ari. She's a great girl but she is better on the main stage...not as a choreographer. I talked to him and Frank and told them that it would be a mistake to replace you. I told them that I was willing to come in and oversee the auditions with Tony. I also told them that I could pick up where you left off and help to get this show moving so that we don't lose any time. After me explaining in detail what kind of stress they were putting on Tony, they agreed to let me come in as a consultant. It's a steady job...I'm a mom now and I can't go bouncing around the world. Brendan needs one of his mom's home."_

_"That's great for you then...so what about me?"_

_"You can show me the routines. Oh...and I also convinced them to not make you come all the way down here everyday when you could be home, recovering. So you only have to come in three days a week."_

_"Great. So what you're my boss now?"_ I was feeling resentful.

_"No. I'm your understudy. So use this opportunity that I'm giving you Brittany...because anyone else that they would have brought in here would have completely taken over...and if they had hired Ari...you would have been phased out and fired within a week."_

_"I think that I should go home."_

_"Great. Let me take you."_

_"I can catch a cab."_ I said as I bent to lift my bag. I was tilting towards the floor and nearly crashed my head into the ground, but Frankie grabbed a hold of my arm and steadied me.

_"I'm taking you home. No argument."_

_"Fine. Whatever."_

* * *

Frankie insisted on following me from the cab and all the way up to my apartment.

She wanted to see me lay down in bed with her own two eyes.

I didn't even care at that point.

I just wanted to see my wife and my kids.

I just wanted to crawl under the covers, shut my eyes, and forget that this day ever happened.

But the moment that I walked in the apartment, I knew that wouldn't happen.

Ana was yelling and so was Izzy.

What the hell was going on?

I looked back at Frankie and she looked just as shocked as I felt.

I followed Ana's yelling and made it to the door just as she threw her phone across the room.

_"Fuck!"_ She yelled as she stood to her feet and turned towards the door.

I guess Ana wasn't having the best day either because when our eyes met, I could see anger all over her face.

At the lake house the world hadn't been so harsh...as least that's how it seemed but now...it seemed like the whole world had caught up with us and was caving in.

So much for coming home.


	23. Chapter 23:Through The Fire

**Chapter 23: Through The Fire (Chaka Khan) **

* * *

**_I guess Ana wasn't having the best day either because when our eyes met, I could see anger all over her face._**

**_At the lake house the world hadn't been so harsh...as least that's how it seemed but now...it seemed like the whole world had caught up with us and was caving in._**

**_So much for coming home._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I could feel all this anger surging through me as I hung up with my sister.

Our argument was beyond anything that I had ever had with a family member, Papi included.

Isaac was screaming in my ear and Daniela was just looking up at me wide-eyed, she was silent and observant as I fumed.

I looked down at my phone and something dark came over me.

How dare she blame her marital problems on me!

I couldn't contain the anger any longer and threw my phone as hard as I could at the wall.

What I didn't expect after that, at just after eleven in the morning was to turn around and see Britt staring at me in shock.

If I had paid better attention, I would have noticed that she looked pale and was leaning against the door for support.

But I was angry because I could see Frankie standing right behind her.

_"Why are you home? Did you quit? And why the fuck didn't you tell me that you were bringing someone home?" _

_"I'm sorry, Ana...I'm just going to calm him down."_ she said quietly as she walked past me and picked up Isaac from the crib and kissed his face. _"Shh...it's okay little guy. Mami was just upset but she's not upset with you. Shhh...breathe Izzy...breathe." _

Britt didn't say another word as she walked out of the room and into Isaac's room across the hall.

Frankie was still standing there and I just rolled my eyes.

Why was she even fucking here?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

There's nothing worse than being yelled at when you already feel like shit.

I put Izzy down in his bed and then took off his shoes and jeans so that he could be more comfortable for his nap.

He looked up at me with watery eyes.

_"No cry, Mama. No cry. I sowy."_ He looked like he had just had the worst day and it wasn't even noon yet.

_"No, Izzy, I'm sorry. Mami shouldn't have yelled like that. She shouldn't have scared you like that."_

_"Nap?"_ he asked me when I covered him with his favorite blanket and tucked his Elmo next to him.

_"Yes...I'm going to get you some milk. Stay here."_

_"Emo?"_ He looked at me with sleepy eyes and I smiled at him.

I reached over him and hit the Elmo lullaby machine that my mom had bought him.

_"Good?"_ I asked him and he just smiled and then closed his eyes.

I got up and had to stay motionless for a second because I felt really dizzy.

I took a deep breath and then headed out of Izzy's room.

Hopefully Ana had calmed down.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"You should just know that I made her come home. I also insisted that I see her home. She's not doing so good today." _

I immediately felt like shit but my fucking pride wouldn't let me show that.

So as I stood there changing Daniela, I tried to stand my ground.

_"She still could have called."_

_"Look...I'm going to go, okay? I just thought you should know that."_

I went to turn around and apologize but she had already walked away and then seconds later, I heard the click of the front door.

I had been an asshole.

But I was still so upset that I wasn't ready to apologize.

Sometimes being the bigger person is insanely hard for me.

I was laying Daniela down when I heard a soft knock against the door.

I knew that it would be Britt and that I would have to make things right but I wasn't ready.

So I didn't respond immediately.

I continued to swaddle the baby and then I leaned into her crib and kissed her face.

She drifted off almost immediately and that made me happy.

I expected for her to be standing there still but when I turned around, Britt was gone.

What was wrong with me?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I didn't have the energy to stand there and wait to be noticed.

Ana wanted to ignore me...then she could do it all by herself.

Izzy was asleep and I was going to do the same.

This was just too ridiculous and too exhausting.

I kicked off my shoes into my closet and then dropped into the bed.

My phone started buzzing in my pocket and so I dug it out because I didn't want it to disturb my sleep and figured that I should see who it was.

**_Srry I left. Feel better. Call me later! Luv ya!-Frankie_**

I nodded as if she could see me and then placed the phone in the drawer of my nightstand.

My head started pounding and so I pulled the covers over my head.

I was asleep in no time.

* * *

The second worst thing in the world is being startled awake.

**_"No! What the fuck, Ceily...so you're taking her side? This is fucking ridiculous!"_ **

Ana was in the bathroom screaming into a phone.

I vaguely remembered her phone shattering earlier, so I reached over and opened my drawer and sure enough, my phone was missing.

Great.

Ana was out of control.

I stumbled out of the bed and made my way over to the bathroom and pushed at the door.

It didn't budge.

Fuck.

Now she was going off in Spanish, in an even louder voice.

I turned back around and went into my closet.

There was my suitcase, still packed even though Ana had promised to unpack it.

I shut the closet door behind me, flipped on the light and began to dig through my suitcase.

_"Awesome."_ I mumbled to myself when I found my pain medication.

I grabbed two pills and swallowed them back dry.

Hopefully, they would knock me out for a few hours and then an elephant with a tuba wouldn't be able to wake me up.

As I made my way back into the bedroom, I stripped out of my sweatpants and then climbed back into the bed.

The bathroom door creaked open just as I was wiggling back into my comfortable spot.

_"Britt?"_ Her voice sounded rough to my ears.

Did I want to answer her?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was in the middle of being yelled at by Celia when I heard a thump against the bathroom door.

Fuck.

I didn't mean to be so loud.

I lowered my voice and began to speak in Spanish so that Britt couldn't hear me talking to my sister.

Things were silent again so I just wanted to finish talking, hoping to get Celia off the phone but she was on a roll.

_"Look...this shit should be just between you and Sandra. Why did you even drag me into it? I agree with her, you are blind when it comes to Brittany. Quinn told me what happened and I feel really bad for her but that doesn't change the fact that every time you aren't around she really fucks up. If you want to forgive her that's on you but don't expect us to turn around and forgive her so easily. It's just too much to ask."_

_"But-"_

_"No...stop it! I'm not arguing with you! I have my own shit to worry about! Things will work themselves out but in their own time not on your fucking schedule."_

_"Cel-"_

_"I'm hanging up. Don't call me about this shit again, Santana. I'm serious!"_

She hung up in my ear and just like that...Britt's phone was shattered against the floor.

Damnit!

I picked up the phone and then opened the door so that I could maybe sneak out and buy us new phones but then I saw Britt laying down.

This was my chance to make things better.

_"Britt?"_

She didn't move, didn't respond and I didn't blame her.

I was being way over the top today.

* * *

I walked over to my side of the bed and kicked off my shoes before climbing up into the bed.

_"Britt Britt?"_

I was under the covers now and I could see that her shirt was soaked through with sweat and her hair was the same.

I spooned her back and wrapped an arm around her waist.

_"Don't."_ she trembled and curled further into a ball but didn't pull away.

_"I don't know what's wrong with me...it's just been a bad morning."_

_"Can we talk about this later?"_ she mumbled and then rolled onto her stomach and looked at me.

Her eyes were half open and her face was all smushed and red.

_"Yea...sure. I'm just...I'm sorry."_

She just looked at me for a long moment before closing her eyes and falling asleep.

I felt terrible.

* * *

Britt obviously didn't want to deal with me right now and I could understand that but I wasn't going to let her stay in sweat drenched clothes.

So I walked into her closet to grab something more comfortable.

I nearly tripped when I slipped on something.

I flipped the light on and saw her open pill bottle on the floor with pills scattered on the floor.

My heart dropped, she must have been feeling worse than I had thought.

Because she hated those pills and had been trying to go without them.

I cleaned them up and then rummaged through her top drawer and found her some shorts, a tank top and her warm fuzzy socks that she loved so much, especially when she felt this bad.

Britt had thrown the covers off of herself and was sprawled across the center of the bed now.

I had dressed two squirming children just that morning so doing this would be a piece of cake.

I knelt in the bed and rolled Britt until she was on her back.

The front of shirt looked even more soaked than the back.

I pulled her up until her body was leaning against mine and I felt like I had a hot iron on my skin.

She definitely had a fever.

I peeled her shirt off of her and she just limply leaned there.

I had her fully dressed within five minutes and then I tucked her in and went in search of a thermometer.

During her whole recovery she hadn't had a fever, so this was new and I wasn't going to take any chances.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It was like being trapped in the oven or inside Lord Tubbington's mouth.

I was hot!

Then Ana was talking to me and I tried to talk back and finally managed to say something before giving in and falling into the darkness.

My whole body felt like it was floating and then I was spinning and spinning.

It got hotter and hotter and there was nothing that I could do to change it.

I tried opening my eyes, I closed them, I screamed, I whispered.

I tried fanning myself and then I tried remaining completely still.

My brain was boiling.

My skin was going to peel off.

I was trapped in the fire.

Nothing had worked.

* * *

Finally after I stopped trying, I was under a cold waterfall.

Every inch of me had steam coming from it because the water was so ice-cold.

I tried to move but I was frozen.

_"Britt? Baby answer me."_

The water was speaking to me.

After a moment the voice sounded more like Ana's.

I opened my eyes and realized that I was leaning against the wall in the shower.

Ana was trying to hold me up with panic in her eyes.

I smiled and adjusted so that I was resting against the little ledge behind me.

_"Oh thank God!"_ she breathed out as she put a hand to my forehead. _"Looks like your fever broke."_

_"Fever?"_ I whispered.

My throat was incredibly dry and scratchy.

_"Yea...it was at 105 degrees. I called Doc and he told me to get you in a cold shower. So here we are."_

That's when I noticed that Ana was completely dressed and her lips were turning blue as she shivered.

_"Thank you."_ I said as I stood fully to my feet and turned the water off. _"We should dry off before we get sick." _

She looked at me as if I had three heads.

_"Seriously? Are you okay?"_

_"I'm fine."_ I put my hands on her shoulders and leaned in and kissed her.

Her body felt like ice and she was shaking really bad.

* * *

We were in the bedroom getting dressed when Ana walked into my closet and brought out my bottle of pills.

She walked over to me and held it out to me.

_"Was it that bad? The pain? Is it still bad?"_

I pulled my shirt over my head and then walked out into the room and sat on the edge of the bed.

_"Yes...it was really bad. It still hurts but not as bad as earlier."_

_"You should get more rest, I have to run an errand."_

I looked at her and feeling hurt that she was about to leave me.

I was always feeling clingy when I felt like this.

She knew that.

So why was she being like this?

_"Right now?"_

_"I need to go to the phone store...I kind of...I destroyed both of our phones and then I realized that we have no way to call anyone. I just have to get down to the Apple store. It should take like an hour."_

_"Mami, Mami, Mami!"_ Izzy was calling her and she hesitated.

_"Can...can you just watch Daniela? I'll take Isaac with me."_

_"Um...okay. Sure."_ I mumbled, in awe of how selfish she was being right now.

Our phones could wait.

_"Thank you so much, B. I'll be right back!"_

The bedroom door slammed behind her and then I heard shuffling from Izzy's room.

_"Say bye to Mama."_ I heard Ana whisper.

_"Byeeeeee!"_ Izzy whispered.

And then just like that they were gone and it was just me and the baby.

I had the craziest need to be home in Lima wrapped in my blanket with Lord Tubbington.

Moments like this made me dislike Ana.

So fucking much.

* * *

I pushed out of the bed and into my slippers.

Ana was up to something and if she didn't have Izzy, I would have immediately thought it was to go out and buy drugs but she wouldn't do that with him with her.

Right?

I pushed back that kind of thought and headed to check on the baby.

Thankfully, Dani was still fast asleep, I grabbed her extra monitor and closed her door behind me.

I headed to the living room and laid out on the big comfy couch that Quinn had picked out.

Ana's laptop was sitting on the coffee table open to a page with a beautiful piano on the front page.

Was she going to buy one?

I was suddenly wrapped up in the beauty of these pianos and lost track of time.

I even looked on Craigslist.

There were literally dozens of pages open and it looked like Ana had bookmarked about a dozen more.

She had definitely been researching.

I hoped that she went through with it because up until now I had only heard her play twice and I wanted more.

There was a shuffling and then the door swung open.

I looked up and instead of Ana there was Quinn, followed by Rachel who was holding Izzy.

* * *

I jumped to my feet.

_"Where's Ana?"_

Quinn looked at me and then back at Rachel.

_"Britt why don't you sit back down and let me grab you something...you don't look so good right now."_

I was feeling sick but not as bad as earlier.

Rachel walked straight over to me and handed me Izzy.

_"Here...he's been asking about you for hours."_

_"Hours?"_

_"She told us that you knew she was dropping him off with Rachel."_ Quinn said as she entered the room carrying a glass of milk and two bottles of my pills. _"I thought I told you to sit...why are you still standing there...especially while you are holding him?"_

I looked at my son and could see that he had a scuff on his chin that had a bandage on it.

I dropped back down on the sofa and turned Izzy on my lap so that he was sitting sideways.

_"What happened to his chin?" _I turned toward Rachel and she looked up at Quinn.

_"He fell. But he's okay...he's a tough guy. Drink your milk." _Quinn said as she handed me the glass and then slid three pills into my palm.

_"These are going to make me sleepy...I don't want to sleep...not until you tell me where Santana is." _I looked at Quinn and she dropped down next to me and then looked over at Rachel.

_"Rach...can you go check on the baby while I talk to B?"_

Rachel looked like that was the last thing that she wanted to do but Quinn had asked her nicely and so she nodded and left the room.

* * *

_"Britt...I want you to know that San is okay, that I know of. She went to go see an old connection...but she didn't use. She wasn't even going there to use...they just so happen to live in the building across the street...the same building that you see...right there." _Quinn pointed out one of the huge windows at a blue tinted glass building across the street._ "She was going to use his phone to call me...why she didn't just find a pay phone...who knows. Anyway, she called me in tears asking me to come meet her because she was going off the deep end. I was in class...but I got the message and rushed straight to the front of your building to meet her. Sometime between the call and the five minutes it took for me to get to her, Izzy fell and scuffed his face on the sidewalk...San didn't want to come back up here because she said that you two had already been upset with each other. So she told me that you two agreed that she would go to a meeting and drop off Izzy with me or Rachel. So I went with her to drop her by the church over by the old house and then I took Izzy to Rachel. About twenty minutes ago, San calls me and asks me to come over here and check on you because she wasn't anywhere close to coming home. We stopped by the church and they told us that the meeting had been cancelled tonight. We aren't sure where she is but we were hoping that it would be here."_

_"Mami!" _Izzy screeched as the door swung open again.

And there standing...well slouching in the doorway was Ana.

_"Q, take him to the room and don't come out."_ I said quietly.

I didn't know what Ana was on but she definitely wasn't sober.

_"I can-"_

I cut her off.

_"No...just take him and go to the room...please!"_ I said again.

Quinn just nodded and took Izzy from me.

I was fed up with her and all this shit.

* * *

Once Quinn was out of the room, I walked over to Ana and pulled her inside. I slammed the door behind her and she just smiled at me. Her eyes were clear and her nose looked normal. So I leaned in closer.

Whiskey.

She was drunk.

_"B...have I...have I ever told you how...how you are the best thing on Earth?"_ she rambled as I pushed her into our bedroom.

_"Yea?" _

_"So amazing...you're all that's innocent and good in this miserable, stinking world! Fuck it...the galaxy!" _she had the hiccups now.

_"What about you? What are you?" _

Ana was the most truthful when she was like this.

I wanted to get to the bottom of this.

_"Trash. A fuck up! How can I write...how can I...Beyonce!" _

She threw her hands up in defeat.

Was she scared?

_"You are amazing, Santana." _

_"No! I'm not!" _

She sat on the edge of the bed with her hands in her lap and looked up at me like she was just a little girl.

Her hardness had disappeared and she was just a shell of herself.

_"You can write this song."_

_"I can't!" _

_"You can and you will...but right now, we are going to get you changed and into bed." _

_"Why?" _she was whining now.

_"Because...you're drunk at four in the afternoon."_

_"No!"_

_"Santana! You are going to bed!"_

She jumped up and pushed past me.

Normally, my reflexes are fast but this time, I fell backwards and she fell straight on top of me.

As a dancer, injury is just something that happens.

So I usually can tell what is wrong when I feel it.

My ankle had turned in the wrong direction and nearly snapped.

_"Ow!" _I screamed and suddenly Ana was kneeling next to me giggling into her hands.

_"I'm so sorry, Britt Britt!"_ she said suddenly with eyes full of tears.

_"Quinn!"_ I screamed._ "Quinn come get her before I kill her!"_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"I'm fine!" _

The room was spinning but I insisted just so that Rachel would stop hovering over me as I sat naked on the floor of my shower since I was too dizzy to stand up.

_"If you were fine...then you wouldn't be drunk." _She said sternly and it made my head hurt even more as I came down from my mini drinking binge from the afternoon.

_"I'm not drunk!" _I yelled and then immediately, I lunged forward and out onto my knees in front of the toilet and threw up the burning liquid.

_"No? What are you then?" _

_"You know, hobbit, you are really starting to piss me off!" _

I threw up again and this time, Rachel was straddled over me holding back my hair.

_"But I'm still here...you know why? Because I love you too much to see you do this to yourself again."_

_"Fuck you." _

_"We have been over this...you and I will never engage in sexual congress. Now stick your finger down your throat and get the rest out...I know that you know how."_

_"Fuck you!" _I said as I tried to sit back on my heels.

_"If you don't do it...then I will."_

_"Right...sure you will." _

I didn't do it of course.

_"Fine...Quinn!" _

I panicked.

_"Okay..Okay!" _I yelled before shoving two of my fingers to the back of my throat as hard as I could.

Within seconds the rest of the liquid made an appearance and I realized that whiskey tastes like battery acid on it's way back up.

_"Good job...now...lets try and stand." _

_"No." _

I jerked back and just like I wanted...she stumbled backwards.

I crawled into the shower and slammed the door shut.

_"She's in there...you want to take it from here?" _

Rachel said to someone as the cool breeze of the air conditioning came into the room from my bedroom.

_"Thanks."_ I perked up when I heard Britt's voice. Then my heart fell. _"But I'm keeping my distance...Quinn is on her way in."_

Fuck.

* * *

After being manhandled by Quinn in the shower and being forced to get in bed at four thirty in the afternoon, I finally saw Britt.

And my sobering mind didn't like what I saw.

She was limping.

Because of me.

She held up her hand just as I was about to speak to her.

_"Don't you fucking apologize to me. I don't want to talk to you right now."_

_"But-"_

_"Fuck you, Santana...just leave me alone!"_

She walked over to the bed and grabbed her pillows and then limped back out of the room.

Now I was all alone.

Great!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Thank you for this...I really appreciate it."_

_"Just keep it elevated, okay? It's just a mild sprain, thankfully it's nothing more serious. Should be better in a few days."_

_"Yea, thanks."_

_"So where is she?"_

_"In bed sleeping it off. She has a lot on her plate and she just lost it, I guess."_

_"Yea I told Sandra and Ceily that they were way too harsh with her earlier, I wish she had called me first."_

_"Is that who she talked to earlier?"_

_"Yea...it got pretty ugly."_

That explains the screaming.

_"How ugly?"_

_"She had a big fight with both of them about you, actually."_

_"Great."_

So really ugly.

* * *

I sat up on the couch and looked at Damariz in the eyes.

_"As her sister...as someone who has seen the good and bad in our relationship...should we keep fighting to make this work?"_

_"Do you want to? Is it worth it?"_

_"Always."_

_"Then don't shut out what your heart is telling you. My sister is damaged...more than most people and when it comes to her emotions she's as open as possible but there is a limit. We were all raised to guard our hearts. She just does it a little too well."_

_"What should I do? She can't keep going back to the drugs or the alcohol."_

_"Have you tried going to a meeting with her? Support her in more than just words? Make her see what she isn't seeing?"_

_"No."_

_"Maybe you should. She just needs constant reassurance, Brittany. You have to understand that she isn't healing on her own because she isn't as strong as she likes to think she is and neither are you."_

_"You're right."_

_"Now...Rachel and Quinn should have finished up...let me see what progress they've made."_

_"Thank you do much for this Damariz."_

_"Thank you for calling me. It means a lot to me."_

* * *

I kept my foot balanced on a few thick pillows on top of the coffee table.

It was only nine and I was wide awake.

The apartment was too quiet so I had on my headphones as I watched a movie on the laptop.

A hand rubbed my leg and I felt a shiver run through me.

I looked over into Ana's bloodshot eyes and could see her regret.

I pulled off my big headphones and just looked at her.

Her whole face showed only that one emotion...regret.

I cupped her face and brushed my thumb across her cheek before dropping my hand back in my lap.

_"Where are the kids?"_ she whispered as she dropped her eyes.

_"Mari came and took them for the night...maybe tomorrow night too. She also came and bandaged me up."_

Ana looked into my eyes and suddenly she was in tears.

_"She came here?"_

I nodded...apparently this fight with the two oldest sisters had really gotten to her.

_"She's not mad at you. Just worried and so am I."_

Ana leaned over and lightly kissed my bruised ankle.

_"I'm sorry about this."_ She placed a cold hand on my burning ankle and I sighed in relief.

_"That feels good...can you get me a new ice pack? Mari put one in the freezer, it should be cold enough by now."_

_"Sure, B...anything else?"_

_"That's it thanks."_

She nodded and stood to her feet.

I watched as she stumbled and then righted herself.

She shook out her body and then walked slowly to the kitchen.

I had already decided to forgive her but sometimes when Ana is like this...I can't help but take advantage of it...just a little bit.

* * *

When she returned she placed two ice packs on my ankle, one on each side.

It immediately felt better.

She sat facing me but didn't touch me. It was like she was afraid that she would break me.

I smiled at her and lifted my arm up.

She hesitated but eventually she nodded and came and crawled over so that she could lean against me.

I unplugged the headphones and started the movie over again.

_"Can I tell you something?"_ she whispered as she stared at the laptop screen.

_"As long as it's not a lie...then yes."_

This wasn't the time to spare her feelings.

_"Ouch."_ she said quietly. _"I deserved that."_

_"I know."_ I said.

I know Ana better than she knows herself and so I tightened my arm around her just as she was pulling away.

She huffed and fell against me again.

_"I have an addiction, Britt and it is causing everyone around me so much pain, it's going to be hard but I want to be sober. I want you to be able to trust me. I want us to be able to trust each other."_

_"Why do we keep doing this, Santana?"_

This time I dropped my arm so that she could sit up. I closed the laptop and put it on the couch on the other side of me.

She looked at me with a scrunched up expression and then looked down at her hands.

_"I just...I don't know how to be happy, B. I don't know how to exist without some kind of drama. I go to this dark, rage filled place in my head and I forget that there are people who love me."_

_"That's bullshit!"_

Her mouth hung open in shock, she looked like a fish as she tried to push out a sentence, a word, a sound but she couldn't.

_"You just don't trust anyone not even yourself. You know though...how much those kids love you! You knew and even though you were in that place...instead of coming home to me so we could work through it you gave in to those feelings. Do you know why Rachel is doing so well being sober?"_

Ana shook her head with tears in her eyes.

_"No."_ she squeaked out sounding desperate.

_"Because she wants to be sober. That's it. She wants it bad enough. You don't. You don't want us...me and the kids. You don't want your family, your money or this amazing opportunity to become something huge! You care more about getting high and drunk!"_

She buried her face in her hands and shook her head.

_"No, no, no, no."_ she cried harder and harder but I could still make out that word over and over again.

_"Yes. So if you want we can all just leave you to it. If that's what you want then you can go die alone."_

I was crying now. So much for being stern.

_"No. I want you. I want what I have. The drugs and the booze...they're not important. I want to be sober."_

_"Not bad enough."_

_"I do!"_ she screamed as tears streamed down her face. _"I'll do anything to prove it to you, Brittany!"_

_"Don't you get it...I don't want you to prove it to me. I want you to prove it to yourself."_

_"I don't know how."_

_"One moment at a time."_

_"That's so hard."_ she whispered.

_"If you want this bad enough then nothing is impossible."_

* * *

She looked at me for a long time and then she got up and walked over to the windows and stared out at the city.

I watched silently as her shoulders shook with tears and how she rubbed her hands together.

She was craving it right now, right in front of me but she wasn't moving very much.

It looked like she was just trying to breathe.

After awhile, she turned around and walked back over to me and knelt in front of me and looked up into my eyes.

_"Will you help me get better?"_

I tried hard to think of the last time that she had asked for my help and I couldn't.

_"Always."_

_"I think that I can do this, B."_

_"I know that you can."_

_"Thank you for having faith in me when I'm finding it hard to have faith in myself."_

_"Always."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My soul was hurting as I sat there watching a movie with Britt.

She had her arm wrapped around me tightly as we watched a movie about drug recovery.

I didn't want to watch but she insisted that I did.

It was hard seeing those beautiful girls turn into shells of themselves.

Was that what I would look like?

There was a girl who had the same eyes as me, she suffered from bulimia, a coke addiction and had even spent time as a prostitute.

Her father was a doctor.

Like mine.

By the time the movie ended she was dead.

She had been sober for three years and then one day she just stopped fighting her addiction and went back for just one more taste and it ended up being her last.

Britt was gripping me tightly as they showed pictures of the girl and her daughter.

The little girl talked to the camera.

_"I want to go to heaven with my mommy."_

I broke after that.

_"Turn it off!"_ I groaned as I buried my face against Britt.

_"No...you need to watch this with me. So please?"_

I sucked in my breath and then turned back to the screen and watched as they had a funeral for the girl that was so much like me we could be sisters.

Fuck it she was me...if I kept letting this addiction over take me.

Like it had with Marco and with this girl.

I could beat this...I just couldn't stop fighting.

And if there is something that Papi taught me, it was to fight like hell.

* * *

When the movie ended, I sat back on the couch and wiped at my swollen eyes as Britt put the laptop down on the coffee table next to her swollen ankle.

I had really screwed up her schedule.

She was supposed to be getting ready for auditioning.

My stomach growled and I realized that I hadn't eaten all day long.

_"Hey, B?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Are you hungry?"_

_"I think so."_

_"Want to order in?"_

_"Yea...something with cheese...anything with cheese on top of cheese."_ she said as she rubbed her stomach._ "I miss fondue." _

I smiled when I thought of her old internet talk show.

The one she was going to ask me to prom on.

I missed that part of Britt.

_"So...pizza?"_

She looked over at me and smiled.

_"With extra cheese?"_

_"Yes, B...definitely with extra cheese." _

_"Good...tell them to hurry."_

_"I will."_

* * *

Britt was well into her third slice of pizza while I still tried to conquer my first.

After she finished her slice she looked over at me and saw that I was only halfway through.

_"Just a few more bites...don't force yourself."_

I nodded and took two huge bites.

She looked at me and smiled.

I swallowed and then leaned forward and kissed her lips.

I didn't really expect her to kiss me back but she did.

Hard.

We made out hot and heavy for a while before she let go of my face and pulled back.

I was breathless as I looked at her lust filled eyes.

She hadn't looked at me like that in an eternity.

Not even the other night in her office.

_"I want you so badly, Ana."_

_"I want you too, B."_

_"Take off your clothes."_

I sat there looking at her to see if she was serious.

_"Now?"_

_"Yes...I can't do much with my ankle like this but you said that you would make me feel better."_

_"But I can't really do anything to you with everything going on...you know." _

She looked at me and squinted her eyes.

_"Take your clothes off and get over here."_ she growled and I felt my skin raise.

Britt always knows how to get me going.

For someone who everyone always thought was so innocent, she can really bring it when it comes to sex.

It's one of my favorite things about her.

Her ability to conquer me with just a look.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

In my office, things had been different, I wasn't ready yet to go there with Ana.

Especially, not after everything that had just happened with me but right now, as she straddled me on the sofa and I looked into her eyes.

I felt different.

My heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty and when I looked into her eyes...I saw my Santana.

The one that I fell in love with.

I smiled at her as I ran my fingers through her hair and down her back.

She shivered as she gripped the back of my tank top and looked in my eyes with so much intensity.

_"Are you sure, this time?"_ she asked, her look of passion turning into one of nerves and worry.

_"I'm ready."_ Ana went to speak again but I pulled her forward and slammed my lips against hers.

She moaned as I continued to move my hands further down her back.

I gripped her ass and she ground down against me.

My body was on fire as she sucked on my bottom lip and pressed her breasts against mine.

She wanted this badly and I would give her what she needed.

But on my terms.

* * *

_"I'm all yours, B."_ She whispered as she rested her forehead against mine and looked into my eyes. _"For too long...I haven't been yours, completely. Make me yours again." _

That was all the encouragement I needed as I moved down to her clit and brushed it lightly.

_"Ummm."_ she moaned as her eyes ignited in passion again.

I dipped inside of her with one finger and she ground down again.

_"Be patient."_ I whispered as I kissed her.

_"More."_ she whispered.

_"No."_

She groaned as she looked at me anxiously.

_"Please, B?"_

I liked when she was polite so I moved another finger inside and began to curl them.

_"Yesssss."_ she hissed out. _"So good."_

_"Better than drugs?"_ I whispered.

_"So much better...yessss. More B." _

_"Always wanting more."_ I said but I didn't give her what she wanted.

_"Please? It's...uhhh...oh Brittttt...all I need. You are all I need, Britt. Oh God!"_

I smiled as I added two more fingers.

Her eyes went wide as I pressed my thumb against her clit and thrusted my four fingers deeper inside of her.

I used my other hand to grip her waist and help her grind against my thrusts.

_"Fuck...oh God! Britt!"_ she was groaning as she moved her body against me. _"Sssooo good! I'm yours, B. Take me...all of me!"_

_"Are you close?"_ I whispered in her ear as her face rested against my shoulder.

She nodded and shuddered.

_"Yes." _

_"Don't cum until I tell you to." _

_"Whyyy?"_ she whined as her arms gripped my back tighter.

I hissed when I felt her nails dig into my skin.

_"For too long you have felt the need to control everything...and it gets you into too much trouble...so right now...I want you to wait."_

She groaned as I hit deeper inside her.

_"Fuck...Britt...you never denied me this."_

_"Maybe I needed to...so you either hold out or I stop." _

She sat up and looked at me with tears in her eyes with her lips trapped in her mouth.

She nodded at me and kept rocking.

_"Okay, B. I'm yours...ohhhh...I'm so close, B. Please?"_

Tears streamed down her face as she leaned in and kissed me.

_"Just a little longer...you're doing so good, resisting."_

_"All for you B...only you. Fuck...Brittany...it feels so good. You're so fu-fucking...oh God."_

_"Cum for me." _

She fell against me as her orgasm ripped through her.

And then I moved harder, not allowing her to come down from it.

_"Fuck...oh God...Brittttttt!" _

She came again and again, back to back.

_"So proud of you, Ana."_

She gripped me and came again for a fourth time and screamed.

_"Thank you..th-thank you. Oh Britt...thank you."_ she rested against me as I pulled my hand out of her and then pulled her against me.

_"I love you, Santana."_ I whispered as she hugged me and drifted off to sleep against me.

_"I love you always, B."_

* * *

Ana isn't a very heavy person, it definitely has something to do with her ability to forget that food exists and exercising past exhaustion. For someone who just had two babies in two years, she should be a little meatier, at least mom thinks so, but she isn't.

If I didn't know any better I would think that she never stopped taking drugs...but I knew that was something that she hadn't done in months.

So even though I had an ankle that was sore and I was limping badly, I was still able to stand up with her wrapped around me and walk us both to the bedroom.

It took a little while but I was able to do it without too much trouble.

The moment that her body hit the bed, her eyes opened.

She looked at me and then around the room.

_"Did you just carry me?"_

_"Yea...you're really light."_

_"B...your ankle!"_ she said as she sat up on the bed and looked down at my foot.

_"It's fine...let me deal with it. You need to get some rest. We have a long day tomorrow."_

She watched me limp into the bathroom and when I limped back out she was still sitting up watching me.

I scowled at her but she simply crossed her arms over her naked chest and kept staring until I was in the bed right next to her.

She finally laid down when she saw me putting a pillow under my ankle before laying down.

_"You could have woke me up."_ She whispered as she reached up and hit the button on our headboard that turned off the lights.

_"It's fine. I'm fine."_

_"I don't want to cause anymore problems with your ankle."_

_"You aren't. Lets go to sleep now."_ I said as I pulled her close to me until she was against my side.

_"I don't think I can."_ she said as she rubbed her hand across my stomach.

_"We are getting up early...so you need to."_

_"Why are we getting up early?"_

_"Because we have a lot to do...there's a lot to fix before I will let the kids back in this house. Near you."_

She looked up at me with hurt in her eyes but she didn't argue me.

She just nodded her head and closed her eyes.

* * *

It wasn't long before I felt the wetness of her tears against my chest.

I had hurt her.

But I didn't feel bad.

I was done with that...her feelings needed to be hurt if she was going to heal again.

Damariz had told me how sometimes, doctors have to cut open a healing wound so that it can heal properly.

That some cuts are so infected that they need to be opened back up so that they can let out all the poison before healing again.

That was how she described her sister.

And seeing her now, holding me tight even though I had taken a shot at her pride, showed me just how right my sister-in-law was.

Ana needed to release all that poison trapped inside her, so that she could heal.

I would stand beside her through it all.

Just like I knew that she would and has for me.

Today had been more than her trying to fix what was hurting her.

It had been a cry for help.

And I had heard her loud and clear.

* * *

**_A/N: I hope that this chapter shed some light on what I have been doing with these two characters. Not all drama is just for drama's sake. I'm invested in this story more than anyone and I want to see it end...realistically and not with some huge cliché. Recovery doesn't happen over night. But hope is real. Thanks for reading...I'll be back soon! Review...and I'll get back to you! :)_**


	24. Chapter 24:We Are Broken

**Chapter 24:We Are Broken (Paramore)**

* * *

**_Ana needed to release all that poison trapped inside her, so that she could heal._**

**_I would stand beside her through it all._**

**_Just like I knew that she would and has for me._**

**_Today had been more than her trying to fix what was hurting her._**

**_It had been a cry for help._**

**_And I had heard her loud and clear._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Early the next morning, before the sun was up, I climbed out of the bed and was on my way to the bathroom when I heard someone knocking on the door. I looked over at Ana and saw that she was still asleep, so I quietly made my way to the living room.

My ankle was a lot less sore today, thankfully, so my limp wasn't as bad.

When I opened the door, I smiled immediately.

_"You got my message?"_ I said as I stepped back and let my guests in.

_"Yea...we shared a cab. Is she awake?"_ Frankie asked.

_"No...not yet."_ I closed the door and led them to the living room. _"Is August okay with you guys not being there this morning?"_

_"Absolutely...I told him that I was bringing Ari to see you and that you two were going to show me the routines. So he let us have the whole morning."_

_"Is Anita okay?"_ Ari cut in after being silent for awhile.

_"She will be...so Frankie...are you okay doing this for me?"_

_"Just give me the stuff and I will head out."_

I limped over to the desk where Ana had everything sorted perfectly.

Even with her life in shambles the little things were still perfectly organized.

I handed, Frankie the paperwork and she smiled and left within seconds, leaving just me and Ari.

* * *

Ari looked like she had a lot on her mind but she kept a small smile on her face as she sat drinking her coffee.

_"Tell me how I can help."_

_"I need you to tell me some things that you know about Ana."_

_"I doubt that I know more than you do...I mean you are her wife, right?"_

_"But you are her soulmate...right?" _

Her mouth dropped open and then she looked down at her cup.

_"She talked to you about that?"_

_"Yea...and it makes sense...she's mine in this lifetime and maybe the next. I'm just happy that she chose me for this one. You know parts of her that she won't let anyone else get to. I think if I know some things...that maybe I can help her to fight this addiction. Will you help me?"_

_"For Anita...I will do anything."_

_"So yes?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good. So today...the three of us...we will go out and do stuff and just point stuff out to me that I may miss. Just...don't let her in on it or she's going to close up. That I do know."_

_"Okay. I can do that."_

_"Thank you...so much!"_

_"You saved my life, Brittany, I owe you this much at least."_

* * *

Ari headed into the kitchen to make pancakes and coffee while I went back into the bedroom.

Ana was still asleep in the same position that I left her snoring softly.

She was beautiful.

I leaned over her and kissed her face about twenty times before she peeked an eye open and then quickly slammed it closed.

_"Oh God...my head." _Ana whispered as she put a hand to her forehead.

_"Ahh...a hangover. Perfect." _I said as I walked over to the windows and pulled blinds open.

_"Britt, no! Ugh...I'm sorry! Please don't torture me." _She sat up in bed looking at me with her eyes still closed and her hands covering her face.

_I limped back to her and pulled at her hands. _

_"Come on...we have stuff to do. Let's get ready."_

_"No...please...can we stay in bed?" _

She looked at me with that puppy dog face but it wasn't going to work because she still smelled a little like alcohol so I wasn't going to forget.

_"No can do...lets get a move on, Lopez." _I said as I playfully slapped her thigh and pulled on her arm until she slid down onto the floor.

_"You sound like Sue."_

_"I'll take that as a complement as long as you get moving like I have a bullhorn thingy."_

* * *

The moment that Ana was in the shower, I closed the door behind us and turned the water on full blast and pushed her against the back wall.

Her eyes had been half closed but right now she was staring at me with that look from last night.

I leaned in and kissed her, taking my time as I dived into her mouth and battled with her tongue.

She was holding me around the waist and remembering that we had things to do, I didn't waste anymore time as I moved my hand between us and thrusted four fingers deep into her.

_"Fuck."_ she said as she rested her head back on the wall. _"Fuck...B...don't stop." _

And I didn't.

_"Remember what you told me last night."_

_"Yes...God...yes. I'm yours Britt. I'm open...B...uhhhh...I'm g-going to ac-accept help. Yes!"_ she moaned as she leaned forward and bit my shoulder.

_"For that you can cum." _

_"Th-thank you."_ She shuddered as her orgasm hit her. _"I love you Britt." _

_"Prove it, today."_ I kissed her lips and then reached over and grabbed my loofah and handed her hers._ "Now that we got that out of the way...let's get clean."_ I winked at her as she nodded at me slowly.

She was dazed and smiling at me as she squeezed soap onto her loofah.

_"I will."_

_"We'll see." _

I watched her face drop a little but she nodded and I saw a fierce look in her eyes.

It was the look of someone who was out to prove something and it was just what I had been trying to do.

* * *

We stepped out into our bedroom and the whole thing smelled like pancakes and bacon.

Ana looked at me with squinted eyes but didn't say anything as she walked into her closet and shut the door.

I rushed through getting dressed and then wrapped a brace around my ankle so that I would be able to walk better.

By the time that I was done, Ana was still in her closet and it made me anxious so I walked over and opened the door.

She was leaned over her vanity, putting on eyeliner and froze when she saw me standing there.

_"Did I do something wrong?"_ She stood there dressed with the exception of her shirt and her hair.

_"Please don't shut doors...okay?"_ I asked and she looked at the door and then me.

_"I don't have anything in here, B." _

_"You said anything...and I'm asking nicely."_

She was standing her ground but so was I. She wasn't going to win on this.

_"Fine." _She turned to her mirror and continued to work on her eye but then stopped and looked at me through the mirror._ "Was there something else, B?"_

_"Yea...you look beautiful."_

I didn't wait for a response, instead, I left the room and walked out into the kitchen.

Ana was pissed that I was overstepping but it had to be done.

I had moved by her rules and her controls for too long.

She needed someone to reign her in.

And nobody was going to be able to do it but me.

Especially now that I had some help.

* * *

_"So when she was a kid...what made her happy...besides church?"_

_"Her piano. Her Abuela was a mean woman and her dad...well you know that stuff...but when she was angry, sad, upset...she would sit there for hours, days at a time and just write and play. It was her peace. I was sad when I found out that she stopped playing."_

_"Great. That's on the agenda for the day."_

I heard her heels clicking across the floor as she made her way to the kitchen she was talking.

_"Britt...who are you talk-"_ She froze in the doorway and looked at Ari and then at me. _"Hey, Arita...what's going on?"_

_"I made breakfast...sit down...I'll serve you."_ Ari jumped up, kissed Ana's cheek and headed over to the stove.

I stood up and pulled out a chair for her and then waited for her to sit down before leaning over and whispering against her ear.

_"You look beautiful as always, Ari is going to be with us today to help with stuff."_

_"Stuff?"_ She turned her head to look up at me and I just smiled.

_"Yep...now...eat up. Then we can go."_

She leaned up and I met her lips with my own.

I knew that it was driving her crazy to not know what was going on, but if I told her she would resist and I couldn't have that.

Today was about healing.

Not just her but us.

* * *

I never saw Ana tear through her food so quickly.

She would cut a piece, put it in her mouth and then just sit there with her eyes closed chewing in ecstasy.

_"What did you put in those pancakes, Ari?"_ I whispered as Ana chewed her second pancake.

_"Secret recipe."_

_"Care to share it?"_

_"I will...but you can't tell, Anita."_

Ana opened her eyes and glared at Ari and then looked at me.

_"You'll tell me right, B?" _

_"Nope...not if it means that I can't have the recipe."_

_"Crap."_

_"Are you done or did you want another one?"_ I asked as I looked at her empty plate.

_"I'm done. There are more just in case I get hungry later right?"_ She looked at Ari in desperation.

_"Of course there are some for when you get hungry later."_ Ari winked at me and then cleared the dishes.

_"Okay, Ana...why don't you go grab your purse and we can get going."_

She nodded and headed out of the kitchen.

Ari turned and leaned against the sink and looked at me.

_"Are you sure I should stay with you guys? I mean...I don't think she needs me."_

_"Yes...please...just...she may not need you now...but she will and I need you Ari...lately...you are the only friend that I really have."_

_"Okay...fine."_

I jumped up and wrapped my arms around her.

_"Thank you so much for this! You are the best!"_ I said as I kissed Ari's head.

_"I thought I was the best?"_

I looked over and Ana had her bottom lip out.

_"Put that away, Ana...you know you are my favorite."_

_"Good. Are we leaving?"_

She was getting impatient to see where we were going.

That's a good sign right?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I just wanted to get this shit over with. I was so tired and my head was killing me but I was going to put forth an effort. I was just hoping that the painkiller that I grabbed from Britt's bag would kick in soon.

She was watching me and that was bad enough but now I had Arita watching too. In my experience, thing that I can hide from Britt and Quinn, I can never hide from Ari...she just knows me too well.

So I'm not really excited that she is with us.

Britt though seems to be clinging to her for dear life.

And Britt doesn't do things just because she wants to...she always has a plan.

She's way to anal to just invite Ari on a whim.

My head hurt too much to try and figure that out though.

* * *

At this point it was about surviving whatever Britt was preparing to throw at me.

The video the night before had really gotten to me. I didn't want that to be my life. I didn't want to put my kids through that but it seemed like I had already started.

I knew that I needed to fight but it was so much easier to think it and want it than to actually do it.

I want to have an amazing life with Britt and the kids. I wanted to be able to write this song and to become something.

I knew that I couldn't continue this way and u had tried on my own but this was just so much bigger than me. It was beyond me and I didn't want it to be like that.

I wanted to be someone that my kids could be proud of. I had been rushing Isaac the night before and he fell and he got hurt.

How often would that be the case?

So while it hurt like hell that Britt was keeping the kids from me, I knew that she was thinking of them. She was trying to protect them and she shouldn't have to do that, not from me.

I'm not who I want to be but more than that, I'm not who I need to be.

I had let something conquer me and I never thought that would be me. I was supposed to be somebody. I still can be, I just have to give into Britt and let her help me.

I had asked and she was delivering.

So I had to accept that...accept her.

Even if it hurt.

* * *

When we got in the elevator I stepped to the side as let Britt hit the lobby button, except she didn't.

She hit the button that led down to the parking garage. This was definitely going to be a long day if she was choosing to drive instead of taking a cab.

I didn't say anything as she and Ari talked about the show and their upcoming auditions.

I stayed quiet as we got to the car and Britt opened up the passenger door for me. I tried to flash her a smile but I'm sure my nerves gave me away.

_"Don't worry so much, Ana. We are here to help you."_

That's what I'm worried about.

I smiled at her and nodded but I could tell that she wasn't really buying it.

I really needed to work on how easily I was becoming to read.

* * *

We had been driving for a few minutes in silence and even though my head was pounding, the silence was driving me insane!

_"So where are we going, Britt Britt?"_

_"We're almost there."_

_"B we didn't need to drive if we are just headed downtown."_

_"Anita...how about you let her focus on driving and you just relax."_

I looked back at Ari and could see that she was getting annoyed so I nodded and turned on the radio.

I guess I was being a little obnoxious.

I sat there looking at Britt and I actually began to hear my head ache in my ears.

Usually when I'm this hung over the only thing that helps is coffee.

_"Do you think we can stop and grab some coffee?"_ I asked after we cut through downtown and headed onto the bridge.

We were definitely not almost there.

_"No."_

I sat up in my seat and looked at Britt in disbelief.

_"Why the hell not?"_

_"You got yourself like this and you aren't going to use another chemical to make it go away. So if your head hurts you are just going to have to deal with it."_

I was pissed.

* * *

I had my eyes closed in a mock sleep when we the car finally came to a stop.

"We're here." Britt said as she reached next to me and unbuckled me.

I opened my eyes and immediately recognized where I was.

I looked over at Britt and saw a coldness in her eyes.

_"Rehab? Seriously?" _

_"We have an appointment with Dr. Clover."_

_"No."_ I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself.

_"What do you mean, no? You don't have a choice in this. So lets get moving...we are already late."_

_"B...please...I don't want to go back in there. They always talk about the people that end up back here and I don't want to be one of those people. Fuck...I'm so embarrassed."_ I covered my face and tried to take deep breaths.

But I was so fucking pissed off.

_"Anita...Britt is trying to help you...and you asked for that...so why fight it?"_

I turned in my seat and looked at my oldest friend as she clenched her fists in her lap.

_"It's a lot to ask of me, Arita."_

_"Fine. I'm filing for full custody...and I'm taking the kids."_ Britt began to buckle her seatbelt and I just watched her with a smirk on my face.

_"There is no fucking way you would win. You don't have a job."_

She looked at me with hurt in her eyes and then looked back at Ari.

_"She may not win...but one of your sisters or your mom might. The judges already know you in New York and in Lima...so I don't think you stand a chance. Once Sandra finds out that you got drunk last night...she may just cut you off. Is that worth it?"_

Fuck Ari for always having a good point.

That was the reason that Britt had brought her over Quinn.

Quinn wasn't one to reason with me.

But Ari was and right now...it was more effective.

Damnit.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Watching Ari convince Ana to drop the tough act showed me something about my wife that I hadn't noticed before.

She liked to be challenged.

For years, I had been backing down but apparently that was the exact opposite of what I should be doing.

How was I just seeing this?

I jumped out of the car and made my way around so that I could open Ana's door, but by the time that I made it around she was already standing there, arms over her chest glaring at Ari.

Ari smiled at her and then held out her hand.

_"What time should I pick you guys up?"_

Ana put her hands up in protest.

_"Hold on...I thought, Ari was staying with us all day?"_

I handed Ari the keys and then walked around and opened the driver side door for her.

_"She has to run to work to do somethings...she'll be back."_

* * *

I know how much Ana hates to not know what is going on around her but this was going to end well.

I was sure of it.

Besides, Dr. Clover had suggested that it just be the three of us.

He had been surprised to hear from me the night before but had quickly cleared some of his schedule so that we could meet with him.

I wrapped an arm around Ana's waist and leaned in to kiss her forehead but she pulled away and looked at me.

"Don't try to make this a happy experience for me, Britt Britt...because the last thing that I am right now is happy."

I dropped my arm and walked ahead of her.

When I could sense that she wasn't moving I turned back around and headed straight towards her.

She stood her ground until I was right in front of her with my finger pointed to the center of her chest.

"That makes two of us. How do you think I felt when I saw Izzy's face last night? How do you think it made me feel to have to deal with your nonsense when I felt like shit? How do you think it feels to limp around with a bummed ankle knowing that in just four days, I have to dance for my job back? None of this is fun for me but I am dealing with it. I am acting like an adult for fuck's sake I would like it if the mother of my children, the woman that I love would at least meet me halfway and grow the fuck up."

I didn't mean to lose my temper but she was pushing me this morning and I was so not in the mood to be pushed.

She looked at me with a mixed expression and then she just nodded.

_"You're right. I'm sorry. I brought this on myself and I should deal with it like an adult."_

She looped her arm around my elbow and walked a step ahead of me, leading me straight towards the entrance.

Just as she was about to hit the buzzer, the door clicked and then opened.

She looked up at me and then up at her old therapist with shame written all over her features.

_"Hi, Dr. Clover." _

_"Good morning. Come right in ladies, Santana, you know the way."_

* * *

The last time that I had entered this office, with the big red couch, I had been telling Ana about Grady. It didn't hold good memories for me either but I'm sure she wasn't thinking about that, as she dropped down onto the couch and pulled a pillow into her lap. I sat down beside her and took her hand.

She was trembling and her palm was sweaty but I didn't let go, if anything, I squeezed a little harder.

To my surprise, she squeezed back.

Dr. Clover shut his door, grabbed a notepad and then sat down across from us with a serious look on his face.

He ws the polar opposite of my therapist, he seemed intense while my therapist always had candy and wore silly ties.

This guy was perfect for Ana, he sat with the same authority as Hector and Aden with a bit of a Sue smirk.

I liked him.

I knew immediately that coming to see him had a been good choice for her.

I just hoped that he could get through to her.

_"So Brittany," _My head jerked up because I wasn't expecting him to start in on me but we were both here, so I was prepared to talk._ "You called me last night in a bit of a panic...do you want to tell me what happened?"_

_"I'm still a little unsure of the facts. I just know that I came home to Santana screaming and throwing her phone across the room...then later she did the same to my phone. She left to go replace them, taking our son with her and hours later she came back drunk. Thankfully, she had dropped off Isaac with our friend before going off to do that."_

He nodded and then wrote stuff down on the notepad.

_"And how has your relationship been since Santana left rehab?"_

_"It hasn't been the best. I've been sick because I recently got an abortion and a hysterectomy and she's been taking care of me."_

_"And that has put a strain on you Santana?"_

She looked at me and tried to smile but it felt flat. She turned towards Dr. Clover and then nodded in agreement.

_"Yes."_

_"Have you told Brittany, that."_

_"No...I didn't want her to feel bad about it. By all appearances I was fine...so why make her feel bad? I like taking care of her."_

_"At the expense of your sobriety?"_

_"Well no...that just...it just happened." _

_"Do you really believe that?"_

_She hesitated and then looked up at him with tears in her eyes._

_"Yes."_

_"So talk to me about what just happened last night...that led you to break your oath to yourself."_

_"I-I...so much more happened that led to that night..." she whispered._

_"So then it didn't just happen?"_

_"No...I guess it didn't."_

_"So what happened after you left your apartment?"_

_"I walked across the street to go see an old friend."_

_"Friend?"_

_"Okay...dealer. I had Isaac on my hip and he kept whining about wanting his truck...I didn't want to go back home. I knew that Britt would see my intentions and I didn't want that. So I walked into the building, caught the elevator up to Marco's old penthouse...I have a key so...I went in." _She looked at me and then down at our linked hands.

_"Why do you have a key?"_

_"Because it's mine. When Marco died...his stuff...his properties were willed to me."_

I looked at her in shock...there were always so many secrets with her and it hurt.

* * *

I pulled my hand away and moved over enough to put a little space between us.

_"What are you feeling right now, Brittany?"_

I looked at Dr. Clover and shook my head.

_"Betrayed."_

_"Tell me about it."_

_"I didn't know about this...about any of it. If I had known that we were right across the street...I wouldn't have agreed to live there." _I turned towards Ana and saw that she had tears running down her face.

_"I'm sorry that I never told you." _She said.

_"What do you hide stuff from me?" _I asked.

_"Habit." S_he shrugged sadly and looked at her therapist again._ "I can't seem to help myself...maybe I shouldn't have left."_

_"You don't need rehab, Santana. You need accountability. Hiding things from your wife and from the people that you profess to love, is fruitless and spiteful."_

_"I keep fucking up...that's why I did what I did."_

_"What do you mean?"_ He asked her.

She turned towards me and took my hands.

_"Britt...last night...when I went over there...I swear I was just going to see if Enzo was there. I'm renting the place out to him. There was coke everywhere and so I took Isaac to the bedroom and shut him in there away from it all. Enzo was doing some chick in the kitchen so I grabbed his phone and sat in the room with Isaac and call Quinn. Seeing all those drugs had me shaky. I was going to go to a meeting. When I hung up the phone and looked over at Isaac...he was...fuck...he was uh...chewing on a bag of coke." I tried to pull my hands away but she gripped them tighter and looked at me with sad eyes. "Please...just...listen...please?"_

_"I'm trying."_ I whispered.

My throat was tight as I looked at my wife.

This was why she didn't protest about me keeping the kids away from her...its why she cried on my chest the night before because she agreed with me.

_"When I pulled the bag away from him...there was no hole in it...I took it as a sign and picked him up. In the process the bag ripped and some of it spilled out onto the bed. I should have left it there...but...I just...I wanted to just...taste it. So I dipped my finger and put a little on my gums...just a little...I swear. Isaac started crying and I realized what I had done and what I wanted to do more of...I panicked. I rushed out of there and made it onto the sidewalk. When I put down Isaac, I got light-headed and let go of his hand...he wasn't stable on his feet and ended up falling. I was knelt down wiping off the blood with my shirt, when Quinn showed up. She freaked out at me and made me get in the cab...said that she was going to take me to the meeting. I still had coke on my hands...it was on Isaac's clothes. Quinn walked me to the front of the church and waited for me to go inside before leaving. When I saw the meeting was cancelled I got a cab back to the apartment...but I was still feeling a bit uneasy and I knew that you couldn't see me like this. So I went back up to the old apartment. Enzo was there cleaning up...all the coke was gone. We sat there polishing off a bottle of whiskey and then eventually when it got to the point where I was starting to get wasted...I called Quinn and told her to go check on you. We finished the bottle and Enzo tried to...fuck...and I punched him...I don't know how I got back to our place...or what I was thinking when I decided to drink like that. I just...I wish that I hadn't. Why didn't I just stay home with you?"_

_"You did that in front of our son? With him in your arms?"_

Ana broke down and sobbed into the pillow that was in her lap. She kept mumbling apologies and shaking from the force of her tears but I had no sympathy. How could I feel anything but anger. This had reached a whole new level.

I didn't know if I could help her.

I didn't know if I wanted to.

_"Santana...I need you to focus for me...this is very serious and can yield severe consequences."_

Ana raised her head and looked at her therapist with her eyes flooded with tears.

_"Readmit me...please...I can't...I don't want to be a danger to my kids."_

_"I don't know if this facility can help you."_

_"But...I...please?"_

_"And then what, in another three months, you go back out and slip up again?"_

_"I don't want to do this anymore...I WANT to be sober. Please? Help me!" _

_"Santana...I want you to go down to the chapel...I need to talk to Brittany for a little while. Okay?"_

Ana stood to her feet and then looked over at me but I couldn't meet her eyes.

I heard her suck in a breath before she walked out of the room and closed the door.

* * *

_"Brittany?"_

I looked up at the therapist and shrugged.

_"What was use was any of this? I don't think I can help her like she needs to be helped. I would rather she had gone off and done that and just left Izzy home. Why did she do that?"_

_"I have seen many people come through my office, people just like Santana. I think she can be helped...I believe that she can be saved."_

_"How? I'll do anything!"_

_"She needs to be occupied, she needs to find a sponsor...and she needs to get out of this city. It's not good for her."_

_"I want to get her out of this city."_

_"I would recommend her seeking outpatient therapy...couples counseling is definitely something that I think would be beneficial for your family. I would also restrict her access to your children...at least until she is back on her feet. She has already shown that she doesn't show the best judgment when it comes to them and unless you want to have them taken from you...I would suggest that you act on this immediately."_

_"How do I do that?"_

_"It may be drastic...but I believe that removing them from the home may be the best option."_

_"As in moving them out?" I looked at him in shock...Ana would never go for that._

_"Yes. Once she sees the consequences of her actions...things will become more clear to her. Santana responds to drastic measures. It's the way her father raised her. Playing nice with her doesn't work."_

_"For how long? I'd say maybe a few weeks."_

_"Wow. That's going to kill her." _

_"Look...this is not something to take lightly and given Santana's history with child endangerment...if you don't do something drastic it's only a matter of time before someone comes to take them away permanently."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was outside sitting on the bench overlooking the lake, thinking about the last time I had sat here and all the hopes that I had.

Why had I let other shit get in my way?

I was better than this.

Now here I was back at the rehab center waiting for Britt and Dr. Clover to finish discussing what to do with me.

_"Hey."_

I turned around towards a voice that had been with me for as long as I could remember.

_"Hi."_

Ari sat down beside me and put an arm around my shoulders.

_"Britt told me. She's pretty upset and so I thought that maybe I would talk to you for a little while...just you and me...what do you think?"_

_"I don't know what to think right now...all I know is that I really fucked shit up this time." _

I leaned forward on my knees and leaned into my crossed fingers.

My headache had moved into migraine territory and was starting to move to my neck.

_"I just don't get it, Anita. Why are you trying to prove your dad right?"_

_"I'm not." _

_"But you are. You are constantly thinking that you are a fuck up...but I don't see you doing anything to prove that you aren't one. You are making stupid mistakes...and it makes me really sad to see you throwing your life away."_

_"Is that what you think I'm doing?"_

_"You tell me...if someone told you all the stupid shit you would do...back before Marco...back when it was just you and me in the treehouse...what would you have said to them?"_

I sat there thinking about the simpler times, when it was just me and my music.

Back when my biggest problem was feeding myself when the fridge had run low because my parents weren't around.

I had promised myself back then that I would be someone amazing and that I would be there for my kids.

Holding my son in my arms while spreading white powder on my gums is definitely not what I meant by that.

I had dodged a bullet when Isaac didn't die from me taking drugs when I was pregnant but now I was just giving God the finger.

What the hell was I doing?

* * *

_"I can't become my father." _I whispered to myself.

_"What's the first step in doing that?"_

_"Getting clean and giving my kids a fighting chance in this life with a mother who supports them is there for them." _I stood to my feet and held my hand out to Ari.

She stood and linked her hand with mine.

_"You have to want this Anita...you have to remember why you stay clean."_

_"I want to."_

We walked back to the car slowly, I could see Britt with her head against the steering wheel, her body was shaking.

She was crying.

_"Promise me something Anita."_

_"Okay." _

_"Promise me that you will do whatever she needs to be done, no questions asked. Please?"_

_"No questions asked?"_

Ari let go of my hand and turned towards me with a scowl on her face.

_"Do you trust me?"_

_"With my life."_

_"Then trust me when I'm telling you that Brittany only wants the best for you and the kids. She is doing everything in her power to help you but you have to want it. You have to stop this hard core bullshit that is exactly like your father...and start to open yourself up. Be the change that you want to see in the world and in your life."_

I nodded in agreement as I put my hand on the door of the car.

I looked in at Britt and could see her wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

She still had the dark circles under her eyes and her skin was still pale, she was still sick but she was here.

With me and for me, just like always wanted.

I had to stop being so selfish.

I had to let her help me in this.

Even if my pride suffered.

_"You're right. __I promise that I will do what she asks of me. Starting right now."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel and tried to maintain my calm as I thought of the best way to talk to Ana about the kids.

The problem was that I couldn't really think of any easy way to do it and while I was happy that Ari somehow got her to be nice all of a sudden, I kind of wished that she hadn't.

It would have been easier to talk to Ana about this when she was already a wreck.

_"What is it, B? I know that you are keeping something from me."_

_"I...um...oh look! We're here!" _

I pulled into the parking lot of the Used Piano Gallery and looked over at her as she stared at the huge store in awe.

_"Does that say Steinway?"_ she looked at me with a huge smile on her face.

_"Last night...after you left...I found this place and they have a piano that looks like the one you had as a little girl...the one that you had bookmarked on several websites."_

She leaned across the console and wrapped her arms around me.

_"Thank you so much...I don't deserve this."_ She was weeping against my shoulder and I just sat there rubbing her back. Ari looked at me and held out both her arms. I looked down and realized that Ana was leaning in to be held and I was just rubbing her back but I wasn't hugging her.

So I did and she sighed out in relief.

Later when we were in the showroom and Ana was talking to the dealer about the piano that she wanted, Ari told me how Ana needed to be touched as much as possible in those moments.

Which I had known for years but somewhere along the line had forgotten.

Isn't that what usually happens in long term relationships?

You get too comfortable and forget the things you did to make a person fall for you.

For me it had been not being as clingy as I used to be.

Most people were annoyed by it but Ana seemed to crave it.

And at this point, I'll take her craving my touch over anything else.

I had no problem being her drug of choice...because I would never get the children taken from her.

* * *

_"Is this the one that you're getting?"_ I stood behind Ana as she sat at an antique grand piano.

She looked at me with a look, I wasn't sure I had ever seen and nodded her head.

_"Can you play something?"_ I asked as I looked at her examining the beautiful instrument.

She nodded and patted the bench beside her.

I sat down and watched as she lifted the cover and then leaned her head on my shoulder a moment.

_"I know that you whatever you want to tell me is going to hurt but I trust you, Britt. I know that anything you decide is so that we can have a real future together. Okay?"_

I felt my heart swell as she sat up straight and placed her fingers lightly on the keys.

She was beautiful...more than she had ever been and I wasn't sure that was possible.

Ari stood next to me and watched with a smirk on her face as Ana struck the first chord.

It was low and quiet and seemed to hand in the air for a moment.

Just as it started to fade away, Ana hit another note and then another.

It looked simple and I was convinced that I could do what she just done but then, almost like magic her fingers took off at such a fast pace that I was now understanding how she was always so good with her hands.

The music that she was making made everyone stop and stare as she moved with the notes and let her fingers take themselves away.

Her brow was creased and a few times, I could see the her eyes were completely closed as she hummed along to the music.

I was mesmerized by her.

This was my Santana...and when I looked up at Ari, I could see that she was thinking the same thing.

She loved my wife just as much as I did in very much the same way but for her the door was closed and so she was standing there trying to just observe but I knew that look...it was one of longing and of love.

I reached out and took her hand in mine just so that she knew that I was okay with it.

I could understand it.

For me, I thought it was impossible to not be in love with my wife so how could I be mad that other people felt the same way.

I was confident in the fact that she had chosen me.

And now, as I listened to the music and listened to the humming, a part of my soul recognized it and I began to hum along.

I was humming chords that I hadn't heard yet, it was like my heart knew the music.

It was magic.

* * *

Ana paid the dealer the full amount for the piano and told him that there was extra in it for him if he could make sure that it arrived at our apartment by tomorrow.

He seemed really excited as he got on the phone immediately with his delivery guys.

After her mini-concert at the store, people clapped for her and a few asked if she would consider giving classes to their kids or to them. She turned them down but I took a few of their numbers just in case she changed her mind.

When we got back in the car it was nearing lunch and she was looking like she was in better spirits.

_"How's your head feeling?"_ I asked as we got back on the road.

_"It still hurts but some of the pressure relaxed when I played."_ she said as she looked out of the window and tapped her fingers on her legs, like they were a piano.

_"Are you hungry?"_

She turned to me and then looked out the window.

_"Yes."_

_"Good because we have a lunch date in Westchester."_

I didn't bother looking towards her when her head snapped towards me.

She looked like she wanted to say something but I saw Ari lean forward and rest a hand on her arm.

_"Calmate, por favor, Anita."_

Ana took a deep breath and nodded in agreement.

I was making her do something that I knew that she didn't want to do...something that was in fact not my idea but Mari's.

Even though I was sure that my presence there would make Sandra be on edge, I knew that the peace had to be settled and I had to fight this battle for myself because letting Ana fight it was driving her to make stupid decisions and nobody wanted that.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I had been in the best mood after playing my melody at the store on my new piano.

Even knowing that Britt was keeping something big and heavy from me, I was still feeling optimistic that was of course until she mentioned lunch in Westchester...which meant lunch with Sandra.

I was going to say something rude and unflattering but Ari put her hand on my arm and I got me to relax.

My heart hurt to think of Sandra being upset with me.

Of all my sisters she had been in my corner from the start and I had basically crapped all over that.

She was telling me how she felt and I should have respected it.

I should have let her just come to me about how she felt in her own time instead of making things bad.

There was this mounting list of things that I needed to atone for and it was daunting just thinking about what I needed to do to make things right again.

The pain in my head got to be so bad that by the time we were on the highway on the Westchester, I was clenching my eyes closed and just trying to sleep it off.

But Britt had other plans.

* * *

_"Ana...are you sleeping?"_

I turned my head towards her but didn't open my eyes.

_"I wish." _

_"I just wanted to let you know that this was Mari's idea so she will be there with the kids...so you'll get to see them today."_

I opened my eyes and looked at her for a long moment.

There was more to what she was trying to say...I just wasn't sure what that was.

Or at least I didn't want to think about what she meant by that.

But I had to because it was eating at me.

_"Are you really going to take them from me?"_ I sat up and looked at her.

Her whole face got read and then as we pulled off the highway, she pulled off onto the side of the road.

She unbuckled her seatbelt and then turned towards me.

_"I think it would be best if you took a break from the kids."_

_"Really? Are you sure that's what you think, Brittany?" My voice was raising but I tried to calm it down with deep breaths. It didn't work. "Because I think that Dr. Clover told you to do this and the reason that you have been putting it off is because it's not what you want."_

_"We have to do this or the state is going to take them away from the both of us!"_ I looked at her in shock but she didn't seem apologetic.

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"If you stay in the house...or if they stay with you there...and you keep doing shit like you did last night, someone is going to tell the cops and then we will lose our kids! Do you want that?"_

Britt was crying now and I was trying to calm her down by putting my hands on top of hers but she snatched her hands back.

_"Britt I-"_

_"It's your choice how it happens, you go or we do. Either way it's going to happen."_

_"Wait...you are leaving too?"_

_"I'm their mother, they need one of us and preferably the one that isn't taking drugs in front of them."_

It was like a huge bucket of water had been dropped on my head.

She was right and I knew it.

_"I'll go."_ I said quietly. _"I'll kick Enzo out and have the cleaners come and clear it out...I just...I don't want to be alone."_ I whispered as I looked away out the window.

I didn't want them to see me cry about this.

It hurt too deep.

_"I'll move in with you."_ Ari's voice came from the back seat. _"Is that okay with you Brittany?"_

Britt looked back at Ari and then nodded her head.

_"Yea...I think that's a good idea."_ Britt said as she turned towards the front and buckled herself back in.

_"Good then it's settled!"_ I wiped furiously at my eyes and then pulled down the visor and began to fix my makeup.

I couldn't show up at my sister's looking like this.

My kids would be there and since I was going to be forced to not be with them...I wanted to be able to enjoy the time that I did have.

I knew that it was probably for the best but that didn't mean that it hurt any less.

I had forced Britt's hand and she had responded with what she thought was best for me.

I had to trust her...even if it hurt.

This just made me want to get better.

Faster.

* * *

_**A/N: This story is it's own monster and I cannot try and contain it in my own parameters. That being said...25 chapters was a hope and a dream...but this story isn't ready to end so soon...so you have me for a little while longer. I have faith in our girls...I think that they are getting to where they need to be. Life happens when we aren't paying attention. Shit happens when we rather it didn't. I can't go storybook...ever but I think you know that by now...right?**_

_**Review...oh and check out that one shot! I have more in my head...let me know what you think about that too!** _


	25. Chapter 25:Scared of Lonely

**Chapter 25: Scared of Lonely (Beyonce)**

* * *

_**I had forced Britt's hand and she had responded with what she thought was best for me.**_

_**I had to trust her...even if it hurt.**_

_**This just made me want to get better.**_

_**Faster.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Can I just have a minute?"_ I asked Britt as we pulled into Sandra's driveway.

_"Of course, Ana."_ I felt my heart start to race as we pulled up behind Saul's big black SUV. I could Sandra's car in front of that and I felt like I was going to be sick.

This was new to me...I wasn't used to feeling this way when it came to my sisters but there's a first time for everything I suppose.

_"Does she know that we are going to be here?"_

_"Yes. In fact we shouldn't keep her waiting."_

_"Fuck her, it's not like she has anywhere to be!"_

Britt looked at me in shock as she unbuckled her seat belt, climbed out if the car and came around it. I sat there feeling insanely pissed off as she ripped my door open.

_"Times up, I know you are freaking out but that doesn't mean you have to be mean to me in the process!"_

_"Wait! Britt wait!"_ I held my hands up and she used it as an opportunity to reach across me and unbuckled my seat belt.

_"Come on, get out...I really just want to have a good lunch and I want to fix this thing with your sisters."_

_"You shouldn't have to...that's just it."_

"But that's life. It's a part of growing up...why don't you get that? Shit happens Santana. Things don't always happen the way that they should...like you being sober and a good mother. But in the last 24 hours you were neither of those things...were you?"

I looked into Britt's eyes and could tell that she meant every word. I felt like she had just ripped my heart out with her bare hands.

I just nodded and climbed down from the truck with no further argument.

What could I say?

I hadn't been the shining example of a good mother...anything could have happened to Isaac.

So while it was a huge slap in the face, I wasn't going to argue with her. Even if it felt like I couldn't breathe as I walked with her up the driveway.

We were on the front step and all that I could hear from inside was yelling.

What was I walking into?

* * *

I pushed at the door handle and thankfully it wasnt locked. I kind of wanted to just slide into the background if at all possible.

But Britt had a different plan.

_"Hello? We're here!"_ She had grabbed my hand and was physically pulling me into the room.

Sandra sat there at the head of the table with Norah on her lap. When she saw me her face slipped into a cold mask of indifference.

_"Hi ladies."_ Sandra said as she gestured to two chairs that she had saved by the head of the table.

Celia came up from behind us and looped an arm through Ari's and walked her to a seat.

As I sat down next to my sister, I could feel her watching me and then she looked over at Britt who was smiling at her happily.

_"I think we need to talk...just you and I."_ Sandra said to Britt.

_"I absolutely agree. I told Ana the same thing."_

_"Good...there's a room that's perfect for that."_

Sandra cocked an eyebrow at me because she knew that I knew what she was doing.

What she wasn't expecting though was that Britt would be completely prepared for that.

_"Oh that room by the theatre sounds great! I think that the couches in there_ are super comfy."

Britt winked at Sandra and I swear I don't get their relationship.

It was like two big cats hissing and swiping at each other one minute and then the next thing you know they are purring.

That's what it was like watching them size each other up and then both nod and get up from the table.

* * *

Sandra turned back just for a second and looked straight at me.

_"Oh and sis...I heard about you breaking the will again last night. Just so you know...that purchase you just made will be your last without my approval. You're lucky it was just alcohol had it been drugs you would be cut off."_

Fuck.

Britt looked back at me with worry in her eyes and then she looked at Sandra with a soft smile.

Sandra froze and looked at me again with squinty eyes.

That's all it took and she knew that she had unknowingly hit the nail on the head.

She stormed back to the table and the next thing I knew, I was on my feet and she was clutching me by the front of my shirt and hovering in my face.

_"There was more than alcohol, wasn't there?"_

I closed my eyes and nodded my head.

At that moment I was glad that my nephews were in school because I couldn't imagine them witnessing me like this.

_"You might as well tell her the rest of it."_ Britt said as she slid back down into her seat across from me.

Sandra was staring in my eyes and then let go slowly and I fell back down into my chair.

She sank into her seat and leaned forward on her elbows and stared me down.

_"Tell us what?"_ Damariz walked into the room holding Isaac on her hip.

_"Apparently our sister...got high last night."_

Celia said as she held her hands out for my son.

He smiled down at her and happily hugged her once she was holding him.

He was such a good and happy little boy.

I didn't deserve to be his and Daniela's mother.

Or anybody's mother for that matter.

Britt was right to separate them from me.

I needed to earn the right to be in their lives.

* * *

I rubbed my sweaty palms together and began to scratch at my legs, my skin was trying to call off my body and it was the worst time for it.

This was terrible.

And I had brought it all down on myself.

I was going to lose everyone's trust.

It was going to be out now and before long one of them would call my mom and then Susan and everyone would know how bad of a mother I had turned out to be.

I looked over across the table at Britt and I could see that she was worried about me.

This wasn't how either of us wanted this to happen.

She had just said it though, nothing happens the way it should.

_"So you got high?"_ Damariz said as she moved into the seat next to me.

_"Just a little."_ I whispered as I looked into Britt's eyes across from mine.

She was silently encouraging me from across the table.

_"A little? What does that mean Santana?" _

_"Britt...please? Help me?"_

Britt went to speak but Sandra held her hand up.

_"No..stop using Brittany as a crutch...what did you do?"_

_"I had Isaac with me."_ I buried my face in my hands and took a deep breath, the room was completely silent. "_I took him to my dealer's place-" _

_"What?!"_ Celia was standing next to Sandra now and staring me down._ "What dealer?"_

I looked at Britt and she had tears in her eyes and wasn't looking at me anymore.

* * *

_"Sandra you know...when Marco died...I got his place."_

_"Yea...and I had it cleared out...we hadn't decided on what to do with it yet."_

Britt's face shot up and she looked at me with angry eyebrows.

Fuck.

So many secrets, I can't even keep up anymore.

_"I've been renting it out for the last couple of months to Lorenzo Andrassy."_

_"Wait...that's...I know him."_ Ari looked at me now and I looked away from her._ "Tucker told me about him...so did Marco. You had Isaac over there with him? Anita he's tied to the mob...are you kidding me? Marco was terrified of him..that's one of the guys he owed a lot of money to. Seriously?" _

_"What the fuck Santana?!"_ Sandra said as she slammed her hand on the table._ "He's been staying there? Has he paid you at least?"_

_"No. I told him he could stay there and do whatever he wanted...I didn't think you would care." _

_"Of course I care! He's got to go...how much money do you owe him...because I assume he still wants his money."_

_"I owe him half a million dollars now...I have been paying him little by little."_

_"From where?"_ Sandra's whole face was red now and her eyes were drilling through me.

_"Please...just...don't do this."_ I was desperate now as I pleaded with her to drop this line of interrogation.

Sandra's nostrils flared as she looked over at Britt.

_"Did you know about this, Brittany?"_

Britt shook her head as she avoided my eyes.

_"I'm didn't know until this morning."_

_"I have been monitoring all the family accounts closely since you left rehab...the only ones that I don't have access to are the..." _Sandra looked at me suddenly in shook her head in disbelief. _"Tell me that I'm crazy, Santana. Tell me that you didn't do what I think that you did."_

_"I was going to replace it."_

_"Those trust funds are for the kids...your kids. How much is left?"_

_"Half of it."_ I said as I stared blankly at the table.

_"I don't know who you are anymore!"_ Sandra yelled. _"I amend what I said yesterday...I don't want you in my house either."_

_"Sandra...wait a second...why don't you go take a second to yourself...you're being rash!"_ Damariz cut in.

_"Me? Are you kidding? If there is only half the money left that means that she just stole half a million dollars from her kids! To pay a fucking drug dealer. And you think I'm being rash? Fuck you!" _

_Sandra shoved her chair and stormed out_ of the room.

I had really fucked up.

* * *

I couldn't cry anymore.

I just sat there numbly as everyone talked at me about how things were going to have to change.

Britt told them how I was going to move out and they all agreed to support her and have her back.

I felt so lonely.

_"Mami? No cry."_ I raised my head and looked over at Isaac who was in a high chair. He was looking at me with a smile on his face and I couldn't get myself to smile back.

_"I love you, Papa."_ I whispered.

After that I got up from the table and walked past all the talking and out onto the driveway.

This was way too much.

My skin was crawling, I was nauseous and I felt like so lost and alone.

I paced back and forth by the car and tried to get my breathing under control but it felt like someone had sucked all the air out of the atmosphere.

What had I done?

I was about to lose everything.

Being high wasn't worth it.

I couldn't keep going on like this, lying to the people that I loved.

How could I put my son in jeopardy like that?

What was I doing to my life?

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

Watching someone who you love break apart is like a knife in the soul.

They were all trying to get answers and I admit that I didn't help the process...now though as she paced the driveway crying and swearing to herself, it made me want to just hold her.

And so I did.

I walked over to her and opened my arms.

She looked at me with hope in her eyes and I just nodded.

I wasn't happy with her but I couldn't let her be completely alone.

Just like when we were kids and I would find her in her big house by herself with just her piano for company...I couldn't just leave her there.

_"I don't know what to do anymore."_ she cried against my shoulder as she clutched me tight.

_"It's going to be alright...just breathe."_

She was trying so hard not to hyperventilate but the harsh breaths that she was taking in weren't doing anything to help.

_"I fucked up."_

_"Shhh. Just breathe." _

She nodded and kept trying to take shuddering breaths.

I was going to help her.

She couldn't go on like this, living only half a life.

She was wrapped in a web of her own lies and deception and now that she wanted out, she was finding it hard to escape.

But I knew her, inside and out.

I could help Brittany understand her little quirks but some things...like holding her in this moment...were only things that I could do.

This was beyond my feelings for her.

This was about saving her life.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Brittany came rushing out of the house looking like she had just exploded.

She was holding Daniela in her arms and Damariz came out of the house behind her holding Isaac and Norah.

Both she and Britt looked equally pissed off.

Had something happened after I walked out?

_"Ana come say bye to the kids."_

Damariz yelled over to me.

I nodded and walked slowly to the car.

I walked over to Britt first and leaned against Daniela's face and just inhaled the sweet smell of her. I took a moment to just enjoy the feeling of being near her as I kissed her face.

_"Ma."_ she said as she touched my cheek. My heart broke when I looked into her wide blue eyes and then I kissed her once more before walking over to Damariz.

Norah was asleep but Isaac was wide awake as he reached for me.

I was afraid to take him but Damariz nodded as she leaned him closer to me.

My son clung to me and left a slobbery kiss on my face.

_"Mami, go bye?"_ He looked up at me questioningly.

_"Yes, Papa."_ I brushed his curls back and kissed his forehead. He looked sad when he realized that I was leaving him again.

_"No, bye, Mami. Pees? I good." _

I looked at Damariz and she just shook her head as she walked towards the back door so that she could put the baby inside.

I looked at Isaac and saw him look desperately at me.

He didn't want me to leave him...I recognized the look in his eyes because I had made it dozens of times when my parents left me.

_"I'm sorry, Papa."_ I said as I kissed his face.

He put his arms around his little chest and stuck out his lip.

_"No, go Mami. Pees?"_ He said as water filled his eyes.

I dropped my head and hugged him tight.

I felt his little hands patting my head as he try to comfort me.

_"No cry, Mami. Pees, no cry."_

I was grateful when Damariz finally took him from my arms because I didn't think I could just hand him back to her after he begged me to not leave him.

I didn't want to be my parents but like it or not...history had repeated itself and I wasn't there for my kids.

It tore me to pieces.

* * *

I was growing more and more relieved the further away from Westchester.

The car was silent as Britt sat there staring at the road with a scowl on her face.

Anger was pouring from her in waves and it was scaring me.

I hadn't seen her like this in a really long time and that time, I ended up in a coma.

_"Brittany...maybe we should head back to the apartment."_ Ari said quietly.

_"We are going to the other apartment first. Sandra's right behind us. We are dealing with this shit right now."_

Fuck.

This was not going to be good.

I looked in my side mirror and sure enough there was Celia in the passenger seat of Sandra's car.

And I didn't have my phone to warn Enzo.

God help me.

_"Britt, he's a dangerous guy."_ Ari was trying to be the voice of reason. _"If my bad ass...crazy...cousin was scared of him...why would he bow down to you guys."_

_"This wasn't my idea."_ Britt slammed her hand onto the top of the steering wheel. _"This was all Sandra and Celia...and he will listen because Sandra is going to pay him off. This is...it shouldn't be happening! Damnit Santana!"_

I looked out window afraid to look at B.

She was angry at not just the situation but at me for creating it.

* * *

We pulled up in front of our apartment building and parked.

I unbuckled my seatbelt, ready to get out of the car but Britt didn't budge.

_"Aren't you coming?"_

_"No...Ari and I are going to go upstairs and we are going to pack your shit...you are going to go upstairs and straighten things out with your sisters."_

_"Why do I have to go?" _

I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth.

_"Are serious? Are you really asking me that question right now Santana?"_

I didn't say anything...what more could I say?

There was a knock on my window and it startled me. I turned my head and there were my sisters, standing in the street waiting for me.

I turned towards Britt and she looked at me with harsh eyes.

_"What are you waiting for? Go!" _

_"Britt...we were doing better...after therapy...we were making progress...please don't let them change that." _

She looked away from me and closed her eyes.

I examined her and could see that her face was pale and that there was more to this.

_"Just go...please?" _She squeaked as she opened the door. I placed a hand on her arm and held on tight.

_"Wait...please."_

She snatched her arm away from me and left me there in the car.

Ari didn't say anything this time...she climbed out with Britt and they began to walk away.

_"God please help me." _

I whispered as I opened the door and stepped out into the street.

* * *

There is something to be said for answered prayers.

I didn't know it yet but it seemed that SWAT had already been to the apartment just hours before us.

The door was open and there were forensic guys walking around putting things into bags for evidence.

_"What's going on here?" _Sandra asked the first cop she saw.

_"This is a restricted area ladies."_

_"We own this place." _I spoke up_. "This is my apartment."_

_"Well in that case...you need to head down to the station...there was a major drug bust here and the captain will want to speak to you."_

_"Um...okay."_

I turned towards the hall but was stopped by Sandra's hand on my arm.

_"What is that doing here?"_

I looked at her and then looked over my shoulder and into the living room.

There sitting on the mantel piece was a picture with all of us and Papi, at my quincenera.

_"Marco took that picture...this was his place...that was his picture."_ I shrugged.

_"Asshole."_ she muttered as we walked away.

_"Tell me about it."_

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

Brittany was really freaking me out.

I had never seen her like this...usually she was locked behind a door but right now she was sitting in Anita's closet crying over a pair of old sneakers.

What was I supposed to do?

I mean, Anita, I get her...I understand her but this was new for me.

So I did what I would do for Anita.

I knelt beside her and pulled her into my arms.

Apparently that was exactly what she needed because ten minutes later when the sisters and Ana showed up that's how they found us.

Ana looked at Britt and understanding flooded her eyes.

_"Can you guys give us a sec?"_

We all nodded in different stages discomfort.

This was just not us.

* * *

Ana walked us to the door and then stopped me.

_"Hey...thanks for trying to comfort her."_

_"I would have done it for anyone."_

_"But I know that you don't like to...so thanks."_

_"No problem."_

I nodded and headed out into the living room.

None of us had really eaten at Sandra's so I headed straight into the kitchen, hopefully I could distract myself with pancakes?

Not a chance...but I could try right?

What had Ana done to herself?

Even now...she wasn't the person that I knew.

For the first time...I was even questioning my trust in her.

That was a scary place to be.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Britt had finally broke.

I knew that it was coming and the moment she saw those old sneakers...the first gift that she bought me...everything had crashed down on her.

_"Britt Britt?"_

I stood in the doorway of the closet and she looked up at me with anger.

_"Why did you have to change?"_

I wasn't expecting that.

_"What?"_

_"Why couldn't you just come to New York and conquer it like you promised?"_

I knelt down and rested a hand on her thigh.

_"Real life caught up with me, I guess."_

_"I used to think...that you were bigger and badder than Sue. You were always a step ahead of everyone. But now...it's worse than when I found out that Santa wasn't real...or that Lord Tubbington wasn't the one smoking and that it was just you. You disappointed me and even though I just want to be with you...you make it so hard. Why can't you just NOT lie?"_

I wanted to answer her with honesty...without my pride getting in the way...even if it hurt.

_"I'm a coward, Britt. I'm was never that person...I'm shallow and insanely insecure and not as brave as strong as you are. I'm scared of my own shadow sometimes and when I stopped playing music...when Papi finally took away my piano and made me focus on my future husband...I became this other person. I became at school who I wished that I was brave enough to be at home. I'm weak...you fell in love with the idea of me. I'm sorry."_

_"NO!"_ She sprung to her feet and walked to the back of the closet and leaned her head against the wall. _"I know you...and I know that what you just said was a lie. You are strong...you are who I fell in love with...not an idea."_

_"I'm not B."_ I rested a hand on her back but she turned around and leaned against the wall with a scared look in her eyes.

_"I can't do this anymore...we can't be together. I can't be with you...not like this. I need you to go...today."_

_"B...um...I please don't break up with me right now."_

_"I have to. We can never be together as long as you are lying and using drugs and alcohol to not connect with me. This hurts too much."_

She had her hands clutching her stomach and her eyes closed as she rested her head against the wall.

_"But...what about getting married?"_

_"No! Not like this...I can't...I don't know who you are anymore. I can't lose you to drugs, Santana. I can't put our kids through losing you. I need you to go...please? I can have your stuff sent to you...but I just...please?"_

I didn't fight...I just walked away.

What more could I do?

I had nothing to offer her as a reason to stay.

All I could give her was reasons to leave.

I felt so lost!

* * *

When I stepped out into my living room, Rachel, Quinn and Frankie had joined us.

Great.

I sat down on the end of the couch next to Quinn and looked off at nothing.

_"San? Are you okay?"_ Quinn put her arm around me and I looked at her and then I broke against her.

I could feel my body shaking as I cried against her.

_"Br-Britt just broke up with me."_ I sobbed.

_"Like a real break up?"_ I knew she was in disbelief because in all of this we had never officially broken up.

_"She wants me out...but...but I ha-have no wh-where to go."_

Marco's old place was being blocked off by the cops and two of my sisters weren't talking to me while the other had my kids.

I felt someone rub my leg and saw Rachel looking up at me.

_"You're going to stay with me, okay..."_ She looked over at Quinn and then behind us towards the room. I turned my head and there stood Britt with a duffel bag over her shoulder.

She looked at me and then dropped the bag on the floor and then headed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

_"Thanks Rachel."_ I whispered as I stood from the couch and then headed over to my big black bag.

I opened it and could see that Britt had just shoved things in there.

She probably thought that she was being nice.

She could have just made me leave...so I guess this was something...right?

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

Britt had deviated from her original plan.

She was supposed to be proposing tonight.

That had been the plan...get Anita to be open and honest and then reward her with an engagement.

Going to Sandra's had been a mistake.

Anita had known that things would fall apart but we still went ahead and forced her to go.

And we didn't even eat anything.

Now I was trying to console Anita in the backseat of Rachel's car.

She had lost everything today, her kids, her money and her wife.

I couldn't imagine the pain that she was feeling and even though most people would take advantage of her.

That was the last thing that I wanted to do.

Quinn had stayed behind to help pack up anything else that Anita might need and to try and talk some sense into Brittany.

But I think we all knew that wasn't going to happen.

There was no way that Brittany was going to change her mind because of Quinn.

Maybe I could have talked some sense into her but I didn't really want to.

As much as it hurt, I knew that Anita needed this.

No responsiblity.

She had never had the chance to just be selfish.

Even as kids she was always concerned about doing things just to keep her father from beating her.

She had to grow up fast.

Now she would be with Rachel, who while annoying, is focused on staying sober.

Focused on following her dreams and so while I would have helped Anita back to a good emotional state, I had to admit that Rachel would do much more.

She could reach Anita where no one else could.

Because she wasn't in love with her.

* * *

Rachel's second bedroom was where she practised for school, so there was a piano in there along with a daybed.

When I carried Anita's bag in there, she froze when she saw the piano.

_"I didn't know that you had a piano."_ She said to Rachel, who was in the process of making the bed.

_"It was Dionne's...she left it so I kept it. Feel free to play whenever you want...this apartment is soundproofed from the rest of the building."_

Ana froze as she looked down at the piano and then sat at the bench.

Rachel and I stood quietly and watched as Anita began to play.

The room filled with the music and even though I wasn't really familiar with musicians, I knew that this was a famous song.

_"She knows Beethoven by heart?"_ Rachel whispered to me.

_"I guess so. She's been playing since forever...since before me."_

_"She's...amazing."_

_"I know."_

_We both ended_ up sitting on the bed as she sat there playing with a far off look on her face.

She was tormented right now by all the things going on in her life and this was the only thing that was getting her attention.

And just when Rachel would get ready to clap because the song had ended, Anita would launch into another song.

I think that she forgot that we were even in the room with her.

We didn't realize how long we had been sitting there until Quinn showed up with Puck and Beth.

At which point Anita finally stopped and began sobbing into her hands.

I hadn't seen her like this since we were younger.

And I was at a loss...how could I fix this?

Was it even possible?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I started my day in bed with my wife.

She made love to me in the shower and then did everything in her power to make my day productive.

I had started out bitchy but eventually I had opened up to her and by the end of that very same day, she broke my heart.

How did I end up here in this room?

All alone.

They all tried to cheer me up...even Nono came by but seeing Beth just reminded me of Isaac and Daniela.

It reminded me of how I wasn't allowed around my own kids right now.

My boobs ached with the unused milk.

But I would just have to deal with that now because even if it was just a taste...I had cocaine in my system now.

And alcohol.

I was such a mess.

Long after everyone left...leaving me with just Rachel fucking Berry...I laid in bed and held my body pillow super tight.

I hurt so bad as I looked at the new phone that Britt had bought me.

Quinn had given it to me and even showed me how she had set it up with a picture of the kids as my wallpaper.

So now I was staring at it, wishing to myself that I could fix what I had ruined.

Britt had been right to dump me.

This was too much for her and if that meant that my kids could go home and be with her...then I would gladly step back.

Except...I really didn't know how to be truly single.

I hadn't been officially single since I got pregnant with Isaac.

Since Ian was still alive.

And not for the first time, I understood how dark things must have gotten for him to kill himself.

Because if it wasn't for my kids and yea...for Britt...I would have just gone out and snorted cocaine until I passed out and overdosed.

* * *

**Rachel's POV**

* * *

Listening to Santana crying so loudly almost made want to go into her new room and hold her but that wasn't the type of relationship that we had.

From what I could hear, she was trying to muffle the sounds of her cries with her pillow but the sounds were so gut wrenching loud that nothing would be able to block them out.

Besides with my amazing hearing, I'm sure I would be able to hear it outside of the apartment.

What was worse than listening to her cry was feeling Quinn cling to me because as her best friend, I knew that she wanted to be in their comforting her.

_"I think I should go in there."_ She finally said after sucking in shallow breaths.

_"I don't know if that's the best idea...the last time...when she last was like this...you remember what happened. I don't want to go there with her."_

I turned around and looked at her in the darkness and could see the worry written all over her face.

_"Are you telling me that you are that incapable of controlling yourself that you would let your best friend who just got dumped lay in there and cry?"_

_"I'm telling you Rach...it's what we do. We comfort each other and that's the only way I know how to comfort her."_

_"Then I'm going in there even if she give me a black eye."_

Quinn was silent for a moment as her eyes shot back and forth like table tennis.

Finally she reached over and brushed a hand across my face before leaning in and kissing me.

_"I'm going to go get her and bring her back in here. Is that alright?"_

_"I would prefer it actually."_

_"Good, I'll be right back."_

* * *

I watched Quinn walk away and thought about how I could best handle things with Santana.

She had lost herself and I had been there.

I knew what she was feeling and I knew that right now the last thing that she needed was to be alone.

What if she left during the night while we slept?

Was there anything left to stop her from going off the deep end?

She was already cut off for the next year...she was already broken up with Brittany...and her kids were already away from her.

If I were her...and I was still drinking, I would be on the ground somewhere or under some guy.

Now that I had her...I was going to do everything that I wish that someone had done for me.

She was going to get through this...she was going to get her life back.

I was certain of it.

Because I would be her sponsor.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was curled up on the piano bench staring at the glowing keys when Quinn came into the room.

_"San?"_

_"Go away, I'm not having sex with you." _I grumbled.

_"I'm not here to have sex with you...I just...do you want to come sleep with me and Rachel?"_

_"That's even worse than sleeping with you."_

_"You know what I mean...I just...you shouldn't be alone right now."_

_"I'm fine." _I wiped at my eyes as I pushed up into a sitting position.

Quinn came and sat next to me and put her hands on the keys.

_"You are so not okay."_

She started the end of chopsticks and so I picked up the beginning.

This was the only song that she had ever learned to play and that was because I had taught her right before I got my hand broken.

_"Fine...I'm not okay...but sleeping with you and Rachel...that's not going to help."_

_"What will?"_

_"Nothing." _

I muttered as I harshly stopped and stood from the bench.

She closed the top cover and then stood up across from me.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Thank you for checking on me, Q...but I'm fine."_

_"I'm not leaving this room until you come with me."_

_"Is it that important to you that I not be alone?"_

Quinn went to the bed and grabbed my pillows and then walked over to me and shoved them into my hands.

_"Yes...do this for me...please?"_

_"Fine."_

* * *

I climbed in the bed and laid flat on my back between Rachel and Quinn, I never thought that would happen!

God, what had my life turned into?

They both laid on their sides and through their arms over my waist.

It was silent for awhile and then I felt Quinn and Rachel both start to drift off.

Even with them there, holding me, I still felt alone.

They had each other and I had no one.

I wondered if Britt was doing any better.

Knowing her she probably had replaced me already...like with Frankie.

The tears began to track down the sides of my face but I remained silent.

I didn't want to wake either of my captors up.

Their "comfort" wasn't what I needed.

I needed my kids and Brittany.

That's all I wanted everything else seemed cheap in comparison.

Something had to change...and that was me.

I just wish my mind would cooperate.

As I laid there, wide awake, for what felt like hours, my skin itched.

My heart ached and I just wanted to die.

* * *

One of my amazing talents is slipping out of places unnoticed and even though Quinn knows this...she wasn't on alert.

The moment that I left the bed, she scooted over and wrapped her arm around Rachel as if I had never been there.

I left the room and began to get dressed.

I had to get out of there.

Being alone was something that I don't deal well with.

So I would find a way not to be.

The silence was driving me crazy and I couldn't breathe.

So I was headed out for some fresh air.

I had to clear my head.

Any way that I could.

* * *

_**A/N: This story...my goodness...I blame this ending totally on Beyonce and her enchantment. This song had my mind somewhere really dark. Be gentle.** _


	26. Chapter 26:I Refuse To Be Lonely

**Chapter 26:I Refuse To Be Lonely (Phyllis Hyman)**

* * *

**_Being alone was something that I don't deal well with._**

**_So I would find a way not to be._**

**_The silence was driving me crazy and I couldn't breathe._**

**_So I was headed out for some fresh air._**

**_I had to clear my head._**

**_Any way that I could._**

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"I should have known better! Fuck!" _

_"Just breathe and think about where she might have gone."_

_"Anywhere! She spent a whole summer here before any of us even came here. San knows people that she never brings up, never mentions. She could literally be anywhere!" _

_"That's what I was afraid you would say. Should we call Brittany?"_

_"No! That is the last thing that we want to do...because if this...by any small chance is nothing. If this is just her going off to blow off some steam...and Britt thinks that it's something else, that could ruin any chance of them fixing this."_

_"So where should we look first?"_

_"Call Ari...maybe she will know."_

_"Right...okay...finish getting dressed and I'll call her." _

_"Oh and Rachel?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"We are going to find her...okay?"_

I watched Rachel's worried face try to crease into a smile but she just shook her head and walked out of the room. Ever since San accepted her as a friend and helped her go to rehab, she had been obsessed with trying to save her.

I knew that she would take this as a failure.

I pulled on the first thing that I could find and then I did something that maybe I shouldn't have but it felt right.

* * *

**_R u in BK tonite?-L.Q._**

**_Hey Luce...yes...I'm at my place. What's up?-Ceily_**

**_If I tell u can u keep it hush hush?-L.Q._**

**_Depends.-Ceily_**

**_Please?-L.Q._**

**_Fine. Tell me whats wrong.-Ceily_**

**_Santana is missing.-L.Q._**

**_What?!-Ceily_**

**_Can u meet me at Rachels...we are going to go look for her.-L.Q._**

**_I'll be there in ten.-Ceily_**

**_Thx.-L.Q._**

**_This better be a false alarm.-Ceily_**

**_I hope so.-L.Q._**

* * *

_"Call her cell again."_ Rachel barked at me from the driver side as she pulled up on the curb outside of Ari's dorm.

Ari hadn't been answering and so Celia told us to go there first.

_"It's just after midnight, I don't think we can get in."_ I said as I looked back at Celia.

_"You two can't but I can get in...I still have a visitors pass."_ Rachel said as she leaned across me and searched through her glove compartment.

_"Still? You guys broke up a long time ago, Rach."_

She pressed her lips together as she clipped the pass to her jacked and then leaned in and kissed me.

_"I keep it for emergencies like this one. You two be good."_

She was reminding me that I needed to trust her since she was leaving me in a car with my ex girlfriend while she went to interrogate hers.

She had a point and I wasn't going to argue it.

* * *

We sat in silence for a while both in our own thoughts and then Celia rested a hand on my arm.

_"Hey...what do you think is taking so long?"_

_"Long...has it been long?"_

_"Don't act like you haven't noticed that she's been in there for almost half an hour. I know you Luce...don't forget that." _

I turned in my seat and looked into those eyes that in this light looked dark green. I used to stare deep into those eyes when she was on top of me making me cum for hours.

I loved those eyes.

That smile but we couldn't survive me sleeping with San.

It had broken us.

But that didn't mean that the love was lost.

_"I don't think I will ever forget that, Ceily."_

_"Do you ever think about me when you're with her?"_

I swallowed hard and looked away.

_"I'm not going to answer that." _

_"You just did."_

* * *

It was tense in the car after that and we didn't speak again until Rachel and Ari both came and got in the car.

Ari looked like she hadn't gone to bed yet and was clutching a travel mug of what smelled like coffee.

_"Hey." _She said before buckling up.

Rachel turned in her seat and looked between me and Celia.

_"So Ari tell them what you told me."_

Ari sipped from her cup and then looked over at Celia.

_"She showed up here around midnight...but she wasn't alone so I couldn't let her up. She gave me her phone and told me that she just needed to get away for a bit and if I had it then you guys would know that she wasn't high when I saw her. And she wasn't."_

_"Who was with her?"_

_"I don't know...some guy...older guy...in his 50s maybe...he didn't really speak."_

_"And she left with him? You let her?"_ Celia looked her like she was going to kill her._ "I thought you were in love with her!" _

Ari looked at her in shock.

Did that surprise her that we all knew?

_"I may be in love with her but I don't rule her. You all tried and see how far that got you! She came to me because she knew that I wouldn't judge her. I trust her. She doesn't want you to think she was high because she doesn't plan on it. She wants you guys to just trust her...why is that so hard?"_

_"My sister isn't the easiest person to trust."_

_"Look...I'm going back up...I just wanted to tell you guys. I have a paper to write. Goodnight." _

_With that Ari left the car and made her way back into her building without looking back at us._

_"I thought she dropped out to do the show?" Celia turned towards Rachel._

_"She had...but she's taking a small course load this semester. I convinced her not to throw her scholarship away."_

_"Great...can we find my sister now?"_

_"Ceily calm down."_

_"No...my baby sister is out there somewhere...wondering around with some old fucker. God knows what's going on with her!"_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was cold.

It was the first sensation that broke through my dark haze.

It was September and the summer breeze was turning into something much more chilling.

My world was dark but I wasn't alone.

And even if I was...something had changed, when I stepped out into the world tonight.

For the first time...I realized that I didn't have to label myself or fill the roles that I had always filled automatically.

Daughter.

Mother.

Wife.

Failure.

Dyke.

Wasted talent.

Junkie.

I had always given into what other people had assumed for me.

There was no need for me to be such a bitch in high school but I had to do something with all the crap I was getting at home.

Things had never turned out the way I wanted them to.

So I gave in.

Everyone else must have been seeing what I was too naïve or dumb to see.

* * *

Tonight was different and new, I was moving to a different dimension of realism.

_"So now what?"_ I said as I walked with him.

_"What do you want to do?"_

_"I still want to use."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because without it...I feel like I'm going to die."_

_"You're smart Santana...will you die?"_

_"N-no."_

_"You told me that your whole life people have been holding you to these roles...but what do you want for yourself?"_

_"To finally feel like I have escaped the wrath of Papi and Marco."_

_"They're dead."_

_"And yet they torment me still. I can hear them in my head...I can see them as if they are in the flesh. Everything they said I would be...I am."_

_"Why do you think that is?"_

I shrugged and stopped, feeling tired as I sat down on a bench.

He stopped and stood near me but didn't sit down.

_"Because it's true."_

_"According to who exactly?"_

I looked at him as the realization dawned on me.

* * *

_"Me?"_

_"Do you really believe that you are all those bad things? That you are a bad person?"_

_"I'm not sure."_

He sighed and nodded before he turned his back to me.

He pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

Then he handed it to me.

_"Here."_

_"I don't smoke anymore."_

He nodded and began to smoke it himself.

_"Why don't you smoke?"_

_"Because it's bad for me...it's bad for Isaac and the baby."_

_"What about cocaine? Is that bad for them to?"_

_"Of course!"_ I looked at him like he was insane.

_"Then is it bad for you?"_

_"Look, I know it's bad for me...but I'm an adult...they are just babies."_

_"So when Isaac and Daniela are your age...it will be okay?"_

I fisted my hair in my hands as I shook my head.

No.

My kids would never be junkies.

_"That's not going to happen."_

_"You have no say over that...especially if you are too busy making mistakes to catch theirs."_

_"Like my parents?"_

_"Worse than your parents...because there were two of them and one of you. It's just you and two kids."_

_"But they love me...I love them"_

_"You don't think that they will grow to hate you for being like this? Would you hate you?"_

_"That's easy...I hated my father. So I would despise me. He at least went off and drank...I did it with my son...in my arms."_

_"So when you asked me why Brittany left you...did you know the answer?"_

_"She is trying to protect them...like my mother should have protected me."_

_"Why didn't Gladys protect you?"_

_"Because she wasn't strong enough to go against my father."_

_"And so Brittany?"_

_"Is strong enough. Fuck...of course!"_

_"Are you ready to go?"_

_"Yea. Thanks for knocking that bit of sense into me."_

_"It's what I'm here for. Now if I could just get you to accept your talents."_

_"One thing at a time Abuelo. One thing at a time."_

* * *

Abuela had been married six times and my mother's father was the only one of her husbands that had died.

So I never met him.

I did however become attached to Abuelo Burgos. He treated my grandmother like gold but he didn't take any shit from her.

Their fights were epic.

They got divorced right after I had a miscarriage.

He was the only one that argued that Marco was bad for me.

He was the only one that believed that everything that Marco said was a lie.

Abuela didn't believe in the rape but he did.

She thought I had gotten lose with Nono and was trying to pin it on my saintly god brother.

So Abuelo told her that he was divorcing her...that he detested the way that I was being treated and couldn't stand by and watch.

I had wished that he would have taken me with him but he hadn't.

I hadn't seen him for five years and then when I was in New York...out on an escort, I ran into him.

He knew what I was but he said nothing.

To this day he admits that it was his biggest mistake.

He owned a bar in Manhattan and I just so happened to show up there and he shut down the place just to spend it with me.

During our walk from the bar to Ari, I told him everything that had happened and even showed him pictures of my kids and Britt.

His eyes lit up when I told him that Ari was in town.

He wanted to see her since he was our confessor.

Abuelo would take me on runs to see Tio Gene or out to see an Indians game in Cleveland and he would bring Ari.

We were a trio until the day he left.

After that seeing Ari got harder and harder until one day...I just told her to stop coming by.

She didn't listen until she had seen that Papi had broken my hand.

It wasn't until that moment that she agreed that it was way too risky to carry on being friends.

And as hard as it was...I started to make friends...well...Quinn and Brittany.

That was good enough for me.

* * *

_"Okay, my lovely, this is where you tell me what you plan to do to fix this pickle that you're in."_

I looped my arm through his and leaned against him as we walked towards our next destination.

It was almost midnight...just in time.

_"I want...peace...all my monsters are dead and I think it's about time that I start living."_

_"Sounds perfect...how are you going to do it?"_

_"I have no fucking clue."_

_"How about...what's the easiest thing for you to do?"_

_"The only thing that I can do...play my music."_

_"So are you going to write the song?"_

_"I am."_

_"And Brittany?"_

_"I'm past the point of words...now I think it's more about my actions."_

_"So you are going to prove to her that you can stay clean and make better decisions?"_

_"No...not to her...to myself."_

_"Very smart."_

_"It was her idea."_

_"Very smart girl."_

_"I'm still going to go there tonight."_

_"Why?"_

_"I don't like the way we ended things...it was...she's my best friend...and it felt like a forever goodbye. I am going to do these things on my own...but I have to know if there is a chance I can go home."_

_"And your friends?"_

_"I was hoping they wouldn't notice that I was gone...but by now...they are on their way to Ari...I just hope...that Britt doesn't know."_

_"Maybe you should have left in a better way."_

_"I agree...but what's done is done."_

_"You are so smart to be acting so stupid you know."_

_"I know."_

_"Do you?"_

_"I'm getting there."_

_"Good."_

* * *

When we walked by my old house, I pointed it out to Abuelo.

_"Who's living there now?"_

_"My mom is supposed to be moving in...but nobody right now."_

_"Then why is there a light on upstairs?"_

I looked up and could clearly see the flickering from a television.

Had they moved to New York already?

And if they had...why hadn't Mami said anything?

_"Maybe they came early and wanted some alone time before announcing they were here."_ I shrugged.

_"I'm glad that Gladys found love again."_

_"Me too...even if it is Padrino."_

_"He's a good guy, I always liked Hector. I wish you had told him about what Marco and Aden were doing to you. He would have put a stop to it."_

_"I didn't want him to get dragged into it."_

_"He would have saved you a lot of trouble."_

_"I know...and he's still trying."_

_"God help us all...you are so screwed up that it takes a village to put you back together."_

_"Amen."_ I slapped his arm and we both chuckled as we got to the bottom of the church steps.

_"You know I love you right?"_

_"Why do you say that?"_

_"Because I haven't entered a church since I divorced your crazy grandmother."_

_"May she rest in peace."_ We both grumbled and then when we realized that we had done that, we laughed again.

_"Thank you for coming with me Abuelo."_

_"I'm always here."_

_"I'm going to start holding you to that."_

_"Good. Someone should."_

I knew immediately what he was referring too.

He had tried to get Mami to see the light when it came to Papi.

He told her that he would protect her and had said that he would always be there if she came to her senses.

She never called him.

And forbid me from calling him as well.

I had listened.

Because I was bruised and battered and while I was defiant in school...I would never defy my parents.

It hurt too much not to be good dama for them.

I had to be the perfect and good daughter and young lady.

* * *

When we walked into the church, Abuelo insisted that he sit in the back and promised that he would wait for me there. So I walked up to the front and knelt in a pew. When I went to reach for my rosary, Ian's rosary, I realized that Britt still had it.

I had given it to her in the hospital and had never gotten it back.

Why hadn't I thought to get it back?

So I did the rosary without a rosary.

I closed my eyes and remained kneeled there in the first pew all through midnight mass.

What I didn't know was that my mother and Brittany were also in that same sanctuary together except they, like Abuelo were in the back.

He saw my mother but she hadn't seen him.

They arrived after us and left before I made it to the back of the church.

I wasn't meant to see them just then.

That was certain.

By the time tha mass was over I had felt as if I had just released everything into God's hands.

All the hurt and sadness, all the lies and manipulations.

They ended tonight.

It would be hard to let go of years of scars that had built up on my soul.

I had to let Marco and Papi go.

I had to let Abuela go.

And I had to let the loss of my first baby go.

There was nothing that I could do for any of them.

And more important...there was nothing that any of them could do to me.

I was free of the burdens.

Things in my present life were suffering because of things that I could not change.

The things that I kept subconsciously waiting to round the corner and take me down.

I wasn't perfect and I was pretty sure that I never would be but at least...as least I was on my way.

* * *

When we stepped out onto the front steps of the church, I saw Brittany.

She was walking away from my mother and heading towards the corner towards her truck.

_"Should I go to her?"_

_"If you think it will help."_

_"I don't know."_

Then I saw her pick up her phone and she turned back towards the house.

She looked anxious.

It was like witnessing your death after it happened.

I stood there shadowed by Abuelo, as Mami turned towards Brittany.

She was on her phone too and had the same face.

Someone had told them.

I went to step forward but Abuelo pushed me behind him.

_"Give it a second."_

I stayed still and watched from around his arm as Britt and Mami comforted each other.

* * *

_"You were right, Ma. I was way too harsh. How could I turn her away?"_

_"We'll find her. I'm certain that she isn't doing what we think."_

_"Why wouldn't she?"_

_"Because she has lost everything...and but I know my daughter...if she thinks that she has a fighting chance...she isn't going to give up so easily."_

Hearing my mother acknowledge that about me, hearing that she wasn't assuming the worst, healed something in my heart.

A void.

_"I want to believe that."_

_"Then do it."_

_"Where do you think she is then?"_

_"Is it too much to hope that she is here?"_

Mami looked up the stairs at that moment and at the same time Abuelo casually stepped to the side just enough to show that I was clutching his arm.

Britt followed my mom's stare and when she saw me her face changed.

She looked up at the church and then back at me.

And then just like that her face lit up like Christmas.

Abuelo leaned down close to my ear.

_"Looks like your prayers have been answered...How about I go distract Gladys and you go get your girl back."_

I was smiling so hard that it hurt.

God was listening indeed.

* * *

I took a tentative step forward towards the steps, I was nervous but Britt wasn't. She leaped up the stairs, completely ignoring her bum ankle and before I could speak she had me wrapped in her arms.

_"You have everyone going crazy looking for you. I'm so glad that this is where you came."_

She finally let me go after kissing the side of my face a dozen times.

_"I'm done, B."_ I said as I looked up into her eyes.

Her face got serious but I could still see the smile in her eyes.

_"With what?"_

_"I want to start again...with everything. I want to use this opportunity to find out who I am without Marco or my dad."_

_"So you understand then...why I ended it?"_

Relief washed over her face and that's when I knew that there was still hope for me.

For us.

_"So that I could focus on myself?"_

_"Yes! I just want us to really be friends and parents together when you're ready."_

_"You mean that?"_

_"If you mean that you are done...then I mean that there is a chance for us."_

_"Okay."_

She rubbed her hands softly over my arms and then looked between my eyes.

Then she bit her lip and leaned in to kiss my forehead.

_"That is of course if you want?"_ she said with raised eyebrows.

_"I will always want, B. Always."_

_"I was hoping that you'd say that."_

I smiled up at her and then leaned in and hugged her tight against me.

She held me there for a long while and kept kissing the top of my head.

_"Oh hey...I have something for you."_

She pulled my rosary from her pocket and then put it over my head.

_"Thank you."_

_"I'm glad to give it back to you. I know how much it means to you."_

I tucked it into my shirt and felt the cool metal graze my cesarean scars.

_"Not as much as you and the kids. I'm going to fix things for me. I'm going to break the cycle of abuse and hurt."_

Britt pulled me into her arms again and then finally she stepped back.

_"Can I take you back to Rachel's?"_

_"No...it's okay...it's not far from here. Besides...Abuelo will walk me."_

She turned to look where I pointed and she smiled when she saw Mami laughing.

We didn't see that often.

_"Is that the one you told me about...the one that fought your Abuela?"_

_"That's him."_

_"Then I know that you are in good hands."_

She kissed my forehead again and then squeezed my hand before heading back down the stairs.

I stood there watching as she introduced herself to Abuelo and then bid everyone a good night.

Just before she walked away with her hand clutched in her hand, she turned back to me and mouthed the words.

_"Only you."_

I smiled and mouthed the words back before looking away.

For some reason, even though I knew where she was headed, I felt like if I watched her drive away, it would hurt more to know that I wasn't going with her.

* * *

Mami and I didn't say much to each other...she just told me to stop scaring people and to call me when I got home.

I hugged her and told her that we would have breakfast soon and she agreed without much fuss.

Abuelo hailed us a cab and we headed back to Rachel's.

I had planned to go and camp out in the hallway outside my apartment until Britt agreed to talk to me but God's way was much easier.

As we drove the five blocks to Rachel's apartment...my new temporary home, my soul felt more peaceful than it had felt in a long time.

I wasn't cured of my addiction...facts are that most people still crave drugs even decades into sobriety.

Convincing myself that I could beat it was like just tempting fate and dooming myself.

I just needed to acknowledge my addiction and take things day by day, moment by moment for the rest of my life.

And even though I would still have moments of temptation...I just couldn't go through losing myself again.

Because the thing about history...is that it's doomed to repeat itself if you're not careful.

And addiction of any kind was the last thing that I wanted for my kids.

Or myself.

It was a good thing that my network was taking a step back.

They couldn't fight this for me.

I had to do it on my own.

And I would.

Fuck the world...I'm doing this for me because I finally realize that this is exactly how this is supposed to be.

* * *

**_A/N: Some authors would end here...but...I'm not done yet. We are over the hump my lovelies. Thank you so much for the amazing reviews and PMs. Our girls are going to figure it out. But damaged and together is worse than whole and apart...they will find their way back...but as whole people. I can't settle for anything less and neither should you! :)_**

**_Review and let me know how you feel...oh and those one shots...are golden...at least...to me! :)_ **


	27. Chapter 27:Sober part 1

**Chapter 27: Sober (P!nk) [part 1]  
**

* * *

_**It was a good thing that my network was taking a step back.**_

_**They couldn't fight this for me.**_

_**I had to do it on my own. **_

_**And I would.**_

_**Fuck the world...I'm doing this for me because I finally realize that this is exactly how this is supposed to be.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Britt had called Rachel and Quinn before I got back to the apartment.

She had told them that I was okay.

But because Ari still had my phone they weren't sure that the church was my last stop and since Britt had left me there she wasn't sure either.

It was understandable really...I have lied countless times about countless things so this wasn't much of a stretch. It didn't hurt me to walk back into the apartment to Quinn and my sisters...(all of my sisters) and Rachel sitting around waiting for me.

It didn't get to me that they all looked pissed off about me leaving and then intentionally not having my phone with me.

I was in a different head space now and nothing that they could say or do would change that.

Rachel was the first to see me and she literally hurled herself into my arms. She hugged me tight and I hugged her back equally as tight.

_"I knew it. I knew that you would still be sober."_ She whispered against my cheek.

I pulled back and looked at her sideways.

She had been in tears and from what I could tell, it had been for a very long time.

_"I'm sorry to put you through that, I really should have done that differently. I hope you will still let me stay here for a little while."_

_"Of course."_

I nodded and then looked up into the room, ready to face the music but Rachel who had chosen to be my crusader stepped in front of me.

_"You guys...Britt told us she was fine...you all decided to stay to see for yourselves. You see that she is sober...you should all go now."_

I put a hand on her arm and when she looked at me with that face that said, 'I will go to bat for you.' I shook my head and stepped around her.

_"I'm really sorry to worry you guys...I know that I have done a lot of fucked up shit and you just couldn't believe that this wasn't another one of those times and to be honest...when I left earlier...I fully intended it to be. I was praying for a sign...or anything to stop me. I was praying for Britt's perfect timing...but that never happened. I went to a bar and I was going to get plastered. But then the craziest thing happened...I ran into someone...a friend. He talked me down from the ledge and helped me to see things that maybe you are all too emotionally involved to see. I chose to go see Ari, because I knew that she wouldn't question me. I left my phone because he convinced me that distractions were hampering my process. So I left it with her and told her not to tell you anything but that I was sober. We walked and talked for a long time and then I went to mass. That's where I ran into Britt and then I came straight back here. I really shouldn't have left like that and I promise...that it won't happen again. Did I miss anything?"_

I looked around the room as my sisters sat there in stunned silence, Quinn was the one to stand up and look at me.

_"Who was he?"_

_"My grandfather. Well...one of my Abuela's many husbands. It was his bar and starting tomorrow...it will be my new place of employment."_

_"What?!"_ Rachel whipped around with her hands on her hips.

_"Whoa...relax Berry. I'm underage...I can't really go inside. I'm going to be a bouncer. That's it."_

_"And how do we know that you won't drink?"_ Celia asked.

_"You don't know and if it happens I only have myself to blame but Abuelo already told me that he is going to tell all the bartenders not to serve me. And he will be watching."_

_"I think it's a great idea...congratulations, Ana. I'm proud of you."_ I smiled at Damariz and when she opened her arms and walked over to me, I accepted her hug like manna from heaven.

Knowing that at least one of my sisters was willing to be accepting, made me feel that much more confident that I was doing the right thing.

* * *

Damariz and Celia left soon after that but Sandra stayed behind to talk to me. I sent Rachel and Quinn to bed and told them that I would be here when they woke up so they didn't have to babysit me. Quinn of course still wanted to stick around but thankfully Rachel dragged her into the bedroom and shut the door.

Sandra was sitting on the edge of the couch clutching her keys in her hand and looking almost straight through me.

_"Why don't we go into the room and talk?"_

She looked up at me and then nodded.

I opened the door for her and then waited for her to be inside the room completely before closing the door behind me.

I watched as Sandra sat on the edge of the bed and looked at me with that same blank stare.

_"I don't want you to die."_

I stood there in shock as I looked at my hero, my oldest sister break down.

Tears streaked down her face and she didn't even bother to wipe them away.

_"San-"_

She held up her hand and took a deep breath. Her green eyes sparkled as she looked at me.

_"I'm going to be forty years old this coming year, Santana. I have lost my father, my sister, two nephews, and a baby. My marriage is in shambles and my husband who just had a baby with another woman is about to be traded to the fucking Miami Dolphins and I'm probably getting divorced. Everyday, I take care of Brenda's little two boys and it kills me when they bring her up but I can't not let them talk about her. I have the world falling around me and I manage it. What makes me angry though is that of all those things...seeing you go back to drugs time and time again hurts me the most. I don't want to go through this again, I hope that Britt taking those kids from you and you having to actually work for a change will do something to make you wise up. I hope that I never have to worry if you overdosed in a gutter somewhere because I can't bear it. I can't lose you to the drugs. So please...please for the sake of your kids and yourself...please don't make this just another one of your dry spells."_

I was sitting on the piano bench clenching my jaw as I tried to fight back the tears.

Seeing her like this, absent of anger or rage struck a chord in me.

I had told Abuelo that I didn't want to make any promises to anyone anymore but right now, I felt like it was necessary.

She needed to hear me tell her that this time I was serious.

_"Sandra, I swear to you that this time, I am going all in. I'm so tired...I am barely twenty-one and already I have lived way too much. I just want to be normal. I just want to be a good mom to my kids. Even if Britt and me don't get back together...I want to be someone for them. I don't want to end up like Papi."_

She stood to her feet and wiped her face dry with the sleeve of her jacket.

_"Come here."_

I walked over to her and she put a hand on my cheek as she looked me straight in my eyes.

_"I am so fucking proud of you right now. I am still skeptical...but I am here for you. Just because I have to cut you off for a year does not mean that I will let you fall on your face financially. I don't want you to feel like being an escort or a stripper again is the way to go if this bar thing doesn't work out. You come to me. Promise me?"_

It meant so much to me that she was extending me this olive branch. She was offering me her personal money if I needed it and even though I planned to work for everything from here on out, even when I got my inheritance back, it was a major thing for her to do.

_"I promise you."_

_"Good. Get some rest and call me in the morning when you get your phone back. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

She walked to the door and opened it but didn't leave.

Sandra looked at me and then sighed heavily.

_"I love you so fucking much, Santana."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

I stripped out of my clothes and grabbed a towel and headed out towards the bathroom.

The bathroom was on the other end of the kitchen by Rachel's room so going through the kitchen was unavoidable.

When I stepped out into the kitchen, there sat Quinn all alone drinking a glass of water.

I nodded towards her and attempted to walk towards the bathroom but she did that throat clearing thing that usually made me want to punch her in the face but right now it just made me smile to myself.

_"I get that you want to talk...but I don't want to sit naked in the kitchen...how about you come into the bathroom and talk to me while I shower?"_

She nodded and grabbed a fresh glass of water before following me into the bathroom.

I dropped my towel onto the rack and climb straight into the shower and pulled the curtain closed.

Quinn as usual wasted no time.

* * *

_"You really worried me tonight, San."_

_"I'm sorry."_ I said as I tested the water before stepping fully underneath it.

_"I just feel like such a failure as a friend. I know you San...I should have known that you would leave the moment that we were asleep but I didn't."_

_"Because you trusted me."_ I said as I lathered myself.

_"Yea and I really didn't have a reason to...after what you did with Izzy."_

I hesitated as I thought of my son's face when I was spreading all that coke on my gums.

_"That was so bad, Q...I don't even have an explanation for that...not that it would be good enough anyway."_

_"You're right...there is no good reason for doing that. He should have never been in that apartment. And I knew...I knew that day when I picked the two of you up, that you were not the same. I knew that I saw white powder residue on you and Izzy but I didn't say anything to you. I didn't want to believe that you would do that with him. I am too emotionally attached to be impartial. I am so fucking hurt about this. I don't even know how Brittany was so calm. I would have tried to kill you."_

She was rambling off her thoughts and I wasn't doing anything to stop her.

I knew Quinn, she had been filing all of this away to say to me and I wasn't going to interrupt.

She finally stopped around the time that I was rinsing the remainder of the soap from my body.

I turned off the water and then reached blindly for my towel.

Once I was all wrapped up and had taken a zillion deep breaths I pulled back the curtain.

Quinn was standing there just looking at me with wide eyes and her hands out in front of her.

_"Explain it to me."_

I shook my head and stepped out onto the floor in front of her.

I put a hand on her cheek just as Sandra had done with me earlier.

_"Q...no matter what I say to you, it will never be enough. I fucked up and there is no quick fix. I am a drug addict...the old San is gone. I don't even know who I am anymore but I can tell you that I do not intend to be around those kids until I can assure myself that I won't do drugs anymore...that I won't get drunk anymore. I want to see them so badly. My boobs are so sore with all this extra milk that I'm carrying around. They deserve good people around them, people that aren't going to put them in danger and as much as I should be that person...as much as I should be able to say that I would never harm them, I don't even fully trust myself most times."_

She looked at me for a long moment and then she pulled me into her arms.

_"Thank you."_

I rubbed her back firmly and kissed her cheek.

_"Why are you thanking me?"_

_"Because you could have given me bullshit but you didn't. It gives me hope."_ She pulled back and wiped at her eyes. _"Fuck you San...you are turning me into a total sap."_

I laughed and stepped back.

_"For that I am sorry!"_

She smiled and then opened the door.

_"You should be!"_

* * *

I laid back in bed that night feeling at peace with myself.

And I slept like the dead.

I had been afraid that the moment that I closed my eyes, bad dreams would surface but nothing did.

It was completely dreamless and when I woke up the next morning to the smell of coffee, my heart felt light.

My body ached but I knew that was because of all the walking that I had done.

I had to be at the bar at seven that night but until then, I had nothing but time on my hands.

So I got up and rummaged through my duffel bag.

I found sweats and a tank top.

Good enough._  
_

When I was done getting dressed, I swallowed back my nausea and decided to get a start to my day.

It was going to be hard moving forward but I had jump right in.

Being sober is a state of mind and from now on, I'm going to eat whatever vegan crap that Rachel eats because I don't want to put anything into my body that isn't good for it.

When I stepped out into the kitchen, I immediately heard Puck.

_"There she is! TT get your ass over here and talk to me."_

_"I think she's all talked out Noah."_

My head whipped to the side and there was Ari coming out of the bathroom.

She smiled at me and sat down at the table.

_"What are you guys doing here?"_ I asked as I walked to the counter and poured myself a cup of coffee.

_"Ari is here to see you."_ Rachel said as she came from her bedroom with her hair swept up in a bun and in a leotard.

_"Yep...Britt called me and asked me to bring you your phone right away so that she could talk to you."_ Ari pulled my phone out of her pocket and handed it to me.

_"Thanks for holding it for me."_

Truth was that I was really excited to talk to Britt because she wanted to talk to me but I made myself sit at the kitchen table and eat breakfast with everyone. Of course they were all in a hurry, Quinn, Rachel and Ari all had class and Puck had to get to work.

They all seemed a little nervous about leaving me alone but I insisted that I would be fine so after a lot of worrying and warnings, they all left together.

It was so good to finally have the place to myself.

This was a test for me and I was going to pass it.

* * *

The first thing I did with my free time was to call Britt because at the end of the day, my heart is hers and last night proved to me that she saw things the same way.

She still loved me and still wanted me.

I just needed to love me and want me.

And that's what this was about...I had to become better as a person so that I could be the best person that I could be for Britt and the kids.

I just had to keep telling myself that until it sunk in.

The issue that I was having so far was that the more that I tried to not thinking about getting high, the more I wanted to be high.

And I hated myself for it.

* * *

_"Hey B."_

_"Great...you got your phone back! I was wondering when you would call."_

_"What are you up to?"_

_"Well, I just got home from picking up the kids and now they are napping while the movers get your new piano settled."_

_"It's there?"_

I was insanely excited.

_"Yep and if at any time you want to come here let me know and we can set something up."_

It hurt to think that I had to set anything up just so that I wasn't alone with the kids.

But it was a necessary evil.

_"Thank B...but I have a piano here...I should be okay for now. So Ari said that you wanted to talk to me...was it about anything specific?"_

_"Yes. I wanted to know what your plans are."_

_"I just plan...to take it step by step. This isn't going to be an easy adjustment for either of us but I am going to make the best of it."_

"_Yea...what about money?"_

_"I got a job actually."_

_"Already? Where?"_

_"A bar."_

_"Oh."_

_"I'm going to be outside the whole time...I'm the bouncer. It's Abuelo's bar and he already told the bartenders that I can't be served alcohol."_

_"Don't you think that is kind of a risky job? People sell drugs outside of places like that...right?"_

I hadn't thought about that.

_"Any job is risky, I could get drugs right now...but I don't want them. I want to live, B."_

_"You'll call me right before and after you get off?"_

_"I don't know B...I can text you when I get home...but I can't do this break up if you are still keeping tabs on me. I'm sorry."_

_"No, no...you're right. I just...I want you to get better."_

_"Me too...B. Don't worry about me okay?"_

_"Even if we hate each other...I will always worry about you, Ana."_

_"I know."_

_"Just when you get the urge...play your music...I mean...you can't keep Beyonce waiting forever right?"_

_"Yep...speaking of which...I should get to it."_

_"Okay...and Ana?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"I love you."_

_"Thanks B...me too."_

* * *

I texted Sandra to let her know that I was up and home by myself.

Being honest was something that I was trying to work on.

Lying had caused me way too much pain.

I wanted to be good at being sober.

To live above the influence of the drugs and alcohol.

As a child it had been the music that helped me to find my peace and I was hoping that I could get back there.

So I closed the door to the room and then paced back and forth for a while before setting up the metronome on my iPhone so that I could keep time.

And then I sat behind the piano and closed my eyes.

The sound of the first simple note centered my mind and then just like that I was off and moving.

I wasn't even sure what I was playing just that it felt like my soul was playing instead of me.

This was where I belonged and there was nothing I wanted more than to dedicate my essence to it.

I could write this song.

I could be who I wanted to be.

I was safe again.

Papi wasn't going to come along and break my hand.

Marco wasn't lurking somewhere ready to break my spirit.

It was just me and the music.

Just how it always should have been.

It felt good to be sober.

* * *

When the time for me to go to work, Celia decided that she wanted to go out too. _  
_

So she shared a cab with me and then we met Abuelo at the door.

He hugged me tight and then I reintroduced him to my sister.

_"You came to babysit?"_

_"I came to make sure that she gets back home okay...so I will stay here however long her shift is. Is that okay with you." _

_"Absolutely...just don't distract her."_

_"I won't...my older sister is coming down to distract me from distracting Ana."_

_"Okay...well head in while I get Santana settled."_

_"Thanks."_

I watched my sister walk inside the bar and then looked at Abuelo with a small smile.

_"I take it that they are trying to trust you but don't really trust you?"_

_"Absolutely. If Britt could be here...I'm sure she would be too."_

_"Well, we won't have a problem, right?"_

_"I sure hope not."_

_"Good...because you are going to be just inside the door...there are dealers out here. I don't want you to be tempted. It's like a coat check area. Just you and Enda."_

The name struck me.

_"Enda?"_

And just like that...the world got smaller because there was the Brenda Lopez that I met while I was locked up standing in the doorway smirking at me.

_"Well look who it is...get over here and hug me!"_

I hugged the woman and then she threw an arm over my shoulder.

_"It's nice to see you again."_

_"Same here. Thanks for sending your mom to check in on me. I really appreciated that."_

_"It was the least that I could do...you kept me sane in there."_

_"I wish I could say the same but you were in and out so quick...I had to find other ways to entertain myself. So tell me...are you the one that I'm supposed to be keeping an eye on?"_

_"That would be me."_

_"Can do...let me show you what you'll be doing."_

Abuelo smiled at me and then headed back inside.

He wasn't going to hover like everyone else.

He didn't necessarily trust me but he had faith in me and that was the best kind of trust a person could have.

At least that's what I was going to tell myself.

It was going to be little things like those thoughts that would get me through.

* * *

It was almost two in the morning when Abuelo came down to our work area with my sisters behind him.

_"How did it go?"_

_"It was great...I just checked coats and stamped hands. It check ids. Pretty simple."_

_"So you think that you can handle it?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good...I'll see you tomorrow same time?"_

_"Absolutely. Thanks so much for this."_

He put an arm over my shoulder and walked me to the door.

My sisters didn't follow, thankfully.

_"Look...this was a good night...there will be times that you are tempted and I just wanted to tell you that if it ever gets that bad...you find me and I will ride a cab back to your place with you. Okay?"_

_"Thank you Abuelo."_

_"No problem kid."_

And just like that I conquered my first night of legitimate work.

I rode a cab back to the apartment with Celia and she saw me all the way to the door of the apartment before walking away.

It was a little annoying but at least she cared.

Right?

* * *

When I walked into the apartment, I expected someone to be waiting up for me but the whole place was completely silent. I peeked into Rachel's room and saw her curled in a ball in the center of her bed.

Quinn hadn't stayed.

I went to my room and stripped out of my clothes and slipped into some shorts and an old track shirt.

And then...despite my usual reservations, I walked into Rachel's room and climbed into the bed with her.

She woke up immediately.

_"Santana?"_

_"Hey...do you mind if I sleep in here with you...I just don't want to be alone tonight."_

_"Of course."_

Rachel moved over a bit and let me settle in.

In no time she was back asleep and I was still wide awake.

I missed my kids.

I missed Brittany and I missed being in my own home.

But I had pretty much given that all up for a moment of bliss.

It wasn't worth it.

I took my phone off the nightstand and looked for a message from Britt.

There wasn't one.

Then I had remembered that I told her that I would let her know that I got home.

It was hard to judge what kind of space we needed between us.

But she was still my best friend and this wasn't that big of deal...right?

* * *

**_Just wanted to let you know that I'm home in one piece.-Ana_**

**_Thx u! :) How was wrk?-Britt  
_**

**_Good. Safe in coat check.-Ana  
_**

**_Perfect! Brnch w the kids n the mrng?-Britt  
_**

**_Are you sure?-Ana  
_**

**_Positive. Pck u up at 10?-Britt  
_**

**_See you then.-Ana_**

* * *

Just knowing that I would be seeing my kids the next day made my heart feel lighter and withing minutes I feel into my second night of dreamless sleep.

If this was how life was going to be...then I could handle it but I knew better.

There were going to be some pretty rough patches.

And I would stumble but I would fight for this.

Harder than I have fought for anything!

I needed to trust myself.

Love myself.

And today...for the first time in a long time...I realized that I like myself.

And that was a first step.

Just 12 more to go.

* * *

**_A/N: I promise you I am not a machine ;) _**


	28. Chapter 28:Sober part 2

**Chapter 28:Sober (Kelly Clarkson) [Part 2]**

* * *

**_If this was how life was going to be...then I could handle it but I knew better._**

**_There were going to be some pretty rough patches._**

**_And I would stumble but I would fight for this._**

**_Harder than I have fought for anything!_**

**_I needed to trust myself._**

**_Love myself._**

**_And today...for the first time in a long time...I realized that I like myself._**

**_And that was a first step._**

**_Just 12 more to go._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

There was a thunder of footsteps above my head as the bleak morning sun peaked through my window.

It was early, probably nearer to six than seven and only three hours since I had gone to sleep in the first place.

I pushed up from my mattress and rested my feet on the floor. The pounding of footsteps continued and I took a deep breath. I was trying not to be agitated. It was a special day today.

It was Christmas Eve and I was going to be driving back to the city to spend my first night in three months with my kids.

It had been a rough time coming. It had taken me two weeks to get tired of everyone hovering over me. I had saved up enough money to get my own place but what I really needed was a change of pace.

Abuelo had been silently watching me dwindle into a machine. I had stayed clean but I was less than myself.

One morning I had been sitting in the apartment playing the music that I had just written for Mami and Britt. He shows up and tells me that he has a new job for me but that its six hours away in a small town.

When I looked at Britt and Mami they both looked intrigued. It was at a jazz club as their piano player. It was in a small hotel so I would get a free place to stay.

When Britt gave me that look like she approved, I agreed to go. It was in Lima, New York. I hesitated at the name of the town because it was just like home only a little closer to the city.

Within a week, I was gone and spending five to six nights a week in a bar. Working around so much alcohol had the amazing effect of making me not want to drink. I enjoyed watching drunk people more.

I quickly became my boss' favorite employee because I could see any dubious people like small town drug dealers from up on stage and I would discreetly point them out to her.

She was also my upstairs neighbor who had two teenagers, a toddler and a dog.

At first the sound of all the noise had me feeling stir crazy but I convinced Rachel to let me bring the piano up.

Now I would just play my music early in the morning. I didn't hear them after that. It was like their daily reminder to shut up.

Today though, I was grateful for the wake up call because I needed to get on the road before the snow storm started.

I was finishing up my packing when there was a knock on my door. I generally didn't have many visitors so I knew who it was immediately.

Or so I thought.

* * *

I slid from my bed and walked out into my small sitting room. It was nearing eight so I had only a little bit of time left before I needed to hit the road but I couldn't pretend that someone wasn't knocking.

It could be important.

The knocking was beginning to be obnoxious but I just pushed back those feelings, tried to get into the holiday spirit as I opened the door.

I nearly passed out in shock.

Not since I made the move to Lima had I had any family or friends over. It was kind of embarrassing.

I slept on a mattress on the floor and aside from the piano, I had no other furniture.

_"B...what are you doing here?"_

_"Surprise! I didn't want you to drive by yourself in this weather...so Rachel is downstairs waiting in the restaurant."_

_"Wow...it's good to see you!" _I stood in the doorway blocking the view of my empty sitting room and the small mini fridge that I had sitting in the corner.

Britt tried to look over me but I stepped out into the hall and pulled the door closed._  
_

_"Aren't you going to invite me in?" _She looked anxious all of a sudden._  
_

_"Well...to tell the truth...um...I'm kind of nervous about you seeing where I live." _I looked up at her hoping that she would understand._  
_

_"Why?"  
_

_"It...well...I have taken every cent that I have made working and off my song...and used it to put money back in the trust funds and recently it was to buy gifts for the kids and you for Christmas...so I don't have furniture or anything...its...I'm kind of embarrassed."_ I looked away from her and tried to put a smile on my face but I could feel the heat in my cheeks and the stinging in the corner of my eyes.

I felt the coolness of her hand as it suddenly was cupping my chin and tilting my face up so that I was looking at her.

There was nothing but kindness in her eyes._  
_

_"Ana...honey...just knowing that you are doing everything that you can to make things right with the kids and me...that's what is important. I don't care what you're place looks like."  
_

_"Well I do!" _I cried out, feeling the tears streaming down my cheeks.

She held her hands up and bowed her head a little bit.

_"Okay...I can just wait downstairs while you get ready...okay?"  
_

_"Thank you, B."  
_

_"It's okay...I understand. Are you hungry? Can I order you breakfast before we hit the road."  
_

_"Just some coffee...just tell Ritchie that it's for San. She'll know how I like it."  
_

Britt smiled and then pulled me into a hug.

I hesitated at first because this was one of our first hugs in a long time.

When I visit the kids every other weekend, it's usually at Mami's house or with Quinn.

Britt and I rarely see each other so that was why this was all such a shock.

It had been shock enough, when she had asked me if I wanted to spend Christmas Eve night at the apartment. I hadn't been back there since the night that I left.

I had yet to actually play my piano.

For some reason it felt like I needed to earn it.

* * *

I waited until Britt had gotten on the elevator before I went back into my room and shut the door. _  
_

Had it been anyone else in my family, they would have probably pushed past me but not Britt. She could see it in my face, in my tears, that I was genuinely embarrassed by the way that I was living.

I headed straight into my small little bathroom and went straight into the shower. I could immediately tell that all the people upstairs had showered because my water was completely cold. I rushed through my routine and then climbed out a shivering mess.

I couldn't wait for this year to be over and I could afford a better place. I didn't want to even get my hopes up and think that I might be back home in the city by that time.

In fact after experiencing small town life again, I wasn't even sure if being in the city was something that I wanted. My money had been so tight, that even my appearance had taken a hit. I was back to minimal makeup and I mainly wore sneakers and jeans most of the time.

It was cheap and I could wear the jeans a few time before having to go to a laundromat.

Most of my stuff that I had left back at the apartment was dry clean only and really what non rich person could afford that every week?

Not me.

And maybe after I had the money back...I still wouldn't go back to that way of life. It was just wasteful.

I quickly pulled on the first pair of jeans that I could find that didn't smell and then pulled a band t-shirt and my coat on before slipping into my sneakers.

This was my life, simple, cheap and most important...sober.

It felt good.

I had gone longer than this sober but that was usually because I had limited access or I had people watching me but I found that now that I had no one to account to but myself that I was pushing past the urges. I knew who the drug dealers were but I steered clear of them. There was no way that I was going to spend the little bit of money that I had left after buying food and paying Sandra, on cocaine or booze.

That Santana was gone.

I was sure of it.

* * *

My phone buzzed just as I was looking around and making sure that I hadn't forgotten anything.

The gifts for the kids were already in my truck so all I really needed was my suitcase and my clothes.

I picked up the phone and looked at the screen as I put my suitcase on the floor.

**_We got u a coffee n a bagel. R u ready?-Britt_**

Even though it was a simple text message it made me smile still.

I knew that when I told her that I only wanted coffee that she would make sure that I had something else to eat. The fact of the matter was that I couldn't really afford anything more than the cup of coffee but I wasn't going to tell her that.

She had done something sweet for me and I wasn't going to make a big deal about it.

I took a deep breath and walked into the elevator with my suitcase.

**_Just got on the elevator. I'll see you in a sec.-Ana_**

**_OK! :)-Britt  
_**

When exited the elevator on the ground floor, I was met by an over exuberant Rachel. She threw herself at me and squeezed me tight!_  
_

_"Oh my goodness! Hi Santana! Happy Chanukah! I had so much coffee on the way here. Did you know that we left the city at two in the morning to make it here on time? How do you make that drive every other week! It's insane!"  
_

I rested a hand on her shoulder and kissed her forehead before pulling back._  
_

_"Breathe Rachel."  
_

She smiled really huge and then grabbed my suitcase._  
_

_"Brittany sent me to grab your suitcase and take it to the car. Do you want me to grab anything from your truck?"  
_

I dug around in my pocket and handed her my keys._  
_

_"I'm going to send one of the guys out to help you. Isaac's gift is going to be way too heavy for you."  
_

_"I'm sure that I can handle it."  
_

_"Rachel...it's even too big for me to carry on my own."  
_

_"Okay...well I will wait by the car since we are parked right next to you."  
_

_"Okay...thanks Rachel."  
_

She smiled and started strutting towards the front door. **_  
_**

I smiled and shook my head as I carried just my wallet towards the restaurant.

* * *

It was empty during the day but at night when I was up on stage under the hot lights, it was usually full of people.

Britt sat at a table towards the back, on her cell phone.

She had her back to me so she didn't know that I was there.

_"She looks good...I missed her a lot...yeah it's been three weeks because she's had to work extra. Even when you know I see her for those five minutes when I drop the kids with her...I feel the sparks. I miss her...okay. Yea...I'll see you when we get back to the city. Thanks for watching them for me. Love you too."_

I smiled as I made my way over to the table and sat across from Britt.

_"Hey."_ I said as I put my wallet on the table.

There was a big mug on the table and not just a bagel, but eggs, bacon and fruit.

_"Hey...I hope you don't mind but I ordered you something a little more than coffee. You don't have to eat it all or anything but it's a long drive and we might get stuck in traffic of something."_

I smiled at her and began to prepare my coffee.

_"Thanks B."_

I definitely couldn't afford to pay for this breakfast but I was going splurge if it was just to please Britt. I really didn't want her to see just how poor I was at the moment and I didn't want her to think that I had gone back to starving myself.

I made sure that I still ate three meals a day, even if they were small meals.

I wanted to be as healthy as possible when I had the weekends with the kids. I was always being carefully scrutinized by everyone. I just wanted their trust and if I allowed myself to fall into old habits, then I was definitely going to lose what little trust they had left in me.

That was the last thing that I wanted.

* * *

_"So tell me B...what made you and Rachel get on the road at two in the morning to come and get me?"_

_"I told you, the weather."_

_"Yea...just the weather? B, we are from Ohio...this weather really isn't that bad."_

_"Fine...I came because I needed to talk to you before we got to the city."_

I nodded and stabbed at my eggs, I ate slowly and tried to make the small bites last. I hadn't eaten a big meal like this in months and I knew that if I overdid it, then I would end up car sick.

_"Okay...what is it?"_

_"It's about the show...and well...me."_ She suddenly looked nervous as she clutched her hands on top of the table.

_"Alright. Tell me what you needed to tell me."_

_"Grady is back in town...he got kicked out of basic training and came back to audition for a part in the show. He is...he got the part as Tucker's understudy."_

I took a deep breath as I thought about all the shit that he had put Britt through.

She looked like this wasn't the end of the story but I wasn't going to push it.

_"Okay. Are you two...like back together or something?"_

I tried to be casual as I sipped from my mug but my hand was shaking a bit. I had the urge to punch something really hard. Britt noticed because now she was watching my hands and my eyes.

_"No...it's just that...well...um...we have been spending a lot of time together. I have had the kids at the theater most days and he's around so much that...well...Izzy has started to call him Dada."_

I sucked in a huge breath and some coffee too which went down the wrong pipe. I began hacking up my lungs trying my best to breathe again.

My son was calling the asshole Dada?

Seriously?

* * *

Britt jumped to her feet and began patting my back to try and get my breathing going again.

The moment that I could breathe I stood from the table.

_"I uh...I forgot something upstairs. I will be back down in a few minutes. Okay?"_

Britt looked at me with a flushed face and nodded.

I don't think that I have ever run from anything...except when I was on the track team.

Now though, I wanted to be as far away from Britt as possible because I didn't want her to see me cry over this.

I had every intention of running to my room, grabbing my spare key and leaving but then I saw her.

There was Rachel sliding around in her boots on the ice trying to take Isaac's big gift out of the car on her own.

_"Fuck Berry."_ I grumbled as I made my way outside.

A small crowd was forming around the car, instead of helping they were making bets to see if she could get it out.

I threw a couple elbows as I pushed by the people.

_"Oh Santana! Thank God!"_ Rachel smiled at me as she held an end of the package.

"Why did you think you could do that on your own?"

I unlatched Britt's trunk and then walked over to Rachel and hoisted the other end of the gift.

_"Wow you're strong!"_ she said as she clung to the other end and we slowly moved over to the other trunk.

The moment that it was in Britt's trunk, Rachel collapsed against the side of the truck.

People started waking away when they saw that the show was over. I closed both trunks and then walked over to Rachel and put my hands on her shoulders and looked in her eyes.

_"You okay?"_

_"Yea...how did it go with Brittany? From the smudged makeup I can tell that she told you about Isaac."_

I stepped back and leaned against my truck.

_"Yea. I can't believe that they even let him back in the show. He fucked up B pretty badly."_

_"I know. What has been bothering all of us is that she has been so willing to let him be around the kids. Quinn went to drop off gifts for the kids before she went to California for break and there he was on your piano with Isaac."_

I felt like someone had punched me straight in the chest.

_"Is that true?"_

Britt was walking up behind Rachel at the same time and she looked really upset.

_"Yes. I told him that the piano was off limits...but I was in the shower so I didn't hear it. I'm sorry Ana."_

_"Fuck...so he's what trying to swoop in on my family?"_

Rachel looked at Britt and then turned and opened the car door and climbed inside.

Britt walked forward and began to run her hand up and down my arm.

_"Nobody could replace you."_

_"Are you sure because it sure as hell looks like it, Brittany!"_ I felt the heat of tears begin to drip out of my eyes. _"Fuck...I should be there!"_

_"Hey...don't start beating yourself up! This is my fault...I shouldn't of had him there...I shouldn't let him back into my life so easily. I just...I got lonely."_

I felt a gnawing in my stomach as I looked at her. This was the love of my life and I was doing everything that I could to get back to her.

But did I still have a place to come back to?

_"Did you sleep with him?"_

She looked at me wide-eyed and shook her head.

_"No. I swear! He tried...but I told him to back off."_

_"Okay...look...let's just get on the road."_ I was trying to control the situation. If things kept going like this it would be an awkward six hour drive.

_"Are you mad?"_ she wouldn't move and so neither could I.

_"I'm upset with the Dada situation but no...I'm not mad at you. We are single...it hurts to think of him in your life because of how things ended with him...but if you chose to be with him...I can't be mad at you for it."_

She went to speak again but I just leaned forward and kissed her cheek. Then I used my thumb to wipe off my smudge of lipstick from where I had kissed her.

She stood there in shock but I just smiled and then climbed in the driver seat and closed the door.

When Britt finally made it to the front passenger seat she had this far off look on her face and a small smile.

It gave me hope to see that my kiss even one as innocent as on the cheek, had that effect on her.

* * *

We had been on the road for and hour and Rachel was crashed in the back seat and snoring.

Thankfully it wasn't incredibly loud and annoying.

Britt had been completely silent for the most part and it was starting to bother me because essentially I was driving alone.

Like I had planned.

She had decided to be here and so I wasn't going to just let her sit there in silence.

_"So tell me how your audition went."_

_"My audition?"_ I looked at her and could see that she was genuinely confused.

_"For the show...I mean yea you told me that you got your job back the last time I was in town but you were in and out of Rachel's so fast that I barely got to ask you about it."_

_"Oh...well, I had to audition in front of the two leads, so Ari and Tucker. They got their auditions first and both of them kicked butt...at least that's what Frankie tells me. Apparently, Ari's second audition blew the first out of the water...I didn't think that was even possible but apparently it is. Anyway, so Frank, August, Tony and Frankie all watched. Plus I had a board member there too. I didn't mess up even once. I pushed myself further than I ever have and I don't regret it, even though I had to ice my ankle since it's still sore from a few months ago."_

_"That's because you started dancing on it almost immediately."_

_"True. I guess maybe I should have rested it...but I have been lately. Ari insists."_

_"Well I'm glad!"_

_"I thought about it you know."_ She mumbled.

_"About what?"_

_"Getting back with Grady." _

I clutched the steering wheel and tried to concentrate on the road.

_"Oh yea?"_ I didn't want to seem annoyed but I was.

_"Just for a second. I think it was the first time that he came over to have dinner with us."_

_"The first time? How often is he over?"_

_"Um...everyday...he's there now."_

I swear if I wasn't a good driver, I would have crashed into a snow bank.

_"Why?"_

_"It was short notice and I he was already there so...I asked if he would watch them and drop them off with Damariz at ten."_

I was fucking speechless.

This was not something that I approved of.

That asshole was watching my kids...my baby girl.

_"Britt...you can't do that. Look...I have tried to take a step back and let you do your parent thing...but there are a lot of crazy people out there. There are child molesters and kidnappers. Just the thought of him there...changing my baby girl's diaper...that...it makes me crazy."_

There was a rest stop up ahead and I really needed to just get out the car.

Britt was completely silent as I revved up the car a bit and focused on getting to the stop.

I wanted to explode.

Shit was going to change.

I hadn't spent more than two days in the city since I left and now I was staying for a full week.

Grady had spent the last bit of time with my kids.

He had no motherfucking right to even look at them.

Britt should know better.

* * *

I pulled over at the rest stop and jumped out of the car. I needed to work off some of my anger and even though it was close to freezing outside, I ran towards the building.

Once I was locked in the handicap bathroom, I pulled out my phone.

I had a message from Britt.

**_Pls dont be mad at me! :(-Britt_**

That wasn't what this was about for me.

But I was going to fix this right now.

_"Hey Anita! Are you on your way home?"_

_"Did you know that Britt and Rachel drove up here to come get me?"_

_"No. They did...are the kids with you guys too?"_

_"No. She left them with Grady."_

_"What?! I'm on my way over there right now...why would she do that?"_

_"I don't know Ari but it's...I'm locked in a service station bathroom trying to get myself together so that I don't flip out on her."_

_"But you should flip out on her. Look I know that it's only been three weeks since you were gone...but when you came down three weeks ago it was only for one day. So much has changed with Isaac. He's...not the same. Having you here is really doing to do him some good."_

_I sat there in silence as I let her words soak in._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"You will see it...trust me. You don't need me to point it out."_

_"Should I be worried?"_

_"Not worried...maybe concerned. Look...I just got in a cab. I should be over to the apartment in like five minutes. I will send him on his way...no worries."_

_"Thank you so much, Arita."_

_"Don't mention it. I-I'm just in shock."_

_"Me too."_

_"Okay...well you focus on driving home safely and rest assured that your kids are with me. Just try and breathe. Okay?"_

_"Gracias, Arita..I owe you one!"_

* * *

When I got back to the car, Rachel was awake and in the passenger seat.

Britt was in the back seat, curled up around a big body pillow and sleeping.

I could tell that she had cried herself to sleep because her whole face was red and swollen.

_"How was your nap, Berry?"_

I asked as I started the car back up.

_"It was good...I feel recharged."_

_"Did you know she was leaving the kids with him?"_

_"With who? She showed up at the apartment at midnight telling me that she needed to talk to you in person. So I showered, we grabbed food and then hit the road. I never bothered to ask who they are with...who is it?"_

_"Grady."_

She whipped her head back towards Britt and then looked at me.

_"No...I didn't know that. I wouldn't have left him with the kids. I thought maybe it was Frankie or Ari. They have been watching them a lot. It's rare she leaves them with him and usually she's there at the same time."_

_"I don't like any of this."_

_"I can understand that completely. Well lets get back then."_

_"Ari is on her way over there to watch them. I called her."_

_"Oh...good. Still though...I just don't trust him. Everytime I see him around the kids...something is just...it doesn't feel right."_

_"Great...way to make me less anxious."_

_"Sorry...I just...it's unnerving."_

_"Tell me about it."_ I sighed as we pulled back onto the road.

It was going to be a long ride.

* * *

We had been driving four hours straight and I was starting to droop a bit. Rachel was still awake and was telling me all about the gleeks. She had managed to connect with all of them.

I had only been talking to Mercedes and Puck. I hadn't even really been talking to Quinn a lot since she was focused on school and Beth more than anything else.

It was good to hear that my fellow classmates were doing much better that I had been.

My life had gone on a downward spiral after graduation and I was just getting it together. I had thought that I would at least be in school or Britt and I would be blissfully happy.

Neither of those things was true.

I had written and sold my song to Beyoncé and she had it remixed by Kanye West, it was going to be on her new album. I got paid nicely for it and immediately signed the money over to Sandra to put in the trust funds. That was my shining achievement and while I really enjoyed it...I really do think that I want to still go to school.

After being on my own and being able to play my music everyday, I realized that I prefer to play for myself. People don't appreciate the classics anymore. At least not in small towns like Lima. I wanted to go to school, I wanted to practice law.

I would still write music and sell it, but that money would go to the trust funds.

My passion was protecting people and saving them...law would give me just the opportunity.

Marco had a golden opportunity to be amazing and he had squandered it.

I didn't want to become him.

_"Pull over."_

I was brought back from my thoughts by Rachel touching me and talking.

_"What?"_

_"You're starting to swerve. Let me take over...there is only about an hour left and I can totally take it from here. You should try and rest...once the kids see you, rest goes out of the window."_

Something that I had learned while living in away from everyone, was how to accept help.

Rachel wanted to take the wheel and I wasn't going to argue with her.

I was tired, I had been moving off of just three hours of sleep.

_"Thanks Rachel."_ I said as I pulled to the side of the road.

I looked back at Britt and could see that she had her headphones plugged in her ears and she was silently playing on her iPhone.

She definitely didn't want to talk about things and right now, neither did I.

My only goal today, was to have the best Christmas ever. While it was Isaac's second Christmas...I had been in a coma for his first so this was my first Christmas with both my kids.

It was really important that nothing ruin this.

Nothing.

* * *

The moment that we pulled up in the parking garage, I felt a calmness recapture my soul.

I was home again.

That was all that mattered to me.

As I opened the back of the truck to grab my suitcase, Britt grabbed it from my hand.

_"I'll get that for you."_

_"What about the presents?"_

_"Leave them. Nobody is going to take them."_

_"Britt this is New York, Isaac's present alone cost me a whole month's salary, including tips. I don't want to risk it."_

She saw how desperate I was and so she nodded and looked over a Rachel.

_"Hey Rach...can you grab her luggage while we carry this big box?"_

Rachel was of course, insanely happy to help so she grabbed Daniela's two gift bags and my suitcase and began walking ahead of us.

It was much easier to carry the big box with Britt than it was with Rachel.

Britt always surprised me with her strength, even after all of these years.

As we went up the elevator with Rachel in front of us, I looked over at Britt and realized that she watching me.

_"What's up?"_

_"I...this is something that I always wanted. You and me, together on Christmas Eve, bringing presents home for our kids."_

She had the twinkle in her eyes that existed in all of those childhood pictures in her mom's house.

Christmas had always been her favorite holiday and thanks to her and her family, it had become mine too.

Even Rachel was enjoying the spirit of the holidays...then again...she always had.

_"Me too, Britt. I'm even happier that you let me share this with you. When I moved out there...I thought that I would have to spend holidays alone. That you would never trust me around the kids again."_

_"I trust you, Ana. Even back then...I still trusted you. You just didn't trust you and that's kind of scary to think that someone doesn't trust themselves with their own kids. That's how bad things happen."_

I nodded in agreement as the doors opened up onto our floor.

We were only had one neighbor and they only used their penthouse as an art studio so when I heard the music and could smell the cookies, I knew that it was coming from the apartment.

This feeling...this emotion that was welling up inside of me, it was the reason that I had pushed myself to be sober.

The last few months had been so hard.

I had to let go of everything that I knew and everything that I had to find my way back to myself and now I'm on my way to finding my way back to them.

* * *

Rachel pushed open the door and I heard a lot of laughter coming from inside.

Britt winked at me as she slowly backed into the apartment.

The first thing that I saw was the huge tree that sat in front of the windows, it was surrounded by presents, there was a big gate going across the room blocking it from the rest of the apartment.

My piano was on the other side of the gate too.

Britt had done her best to make sure that the kids couldn't get over to that side of the room.

She had even decorated the big plastic gate to make it look festive.

There were white lights everywhere.

It was beautiful.

As we stepped over the gate and put the big box down next to the tree, I took a moment to look around.

Ari was sitting on the floor with Daniela in her lap and Beth in front of her. They were playing with blocks.

Noah sat on the couch with Isaac sleeping on his chest.

Rachel came from the bedroom and walked over to us and handed me Daniela's gifts.

_"I think that you and Britt should go have lunch. You two need to talk. Okay?"_

I really just wanted to be with my kids but I knew that if I was going to make it through a whole week in this apartment, that I needed to be on the same page with Britt.

We were still not together but we had a family.

Our focus had to be on our kids and it wouldn't be if there was this tension between us.

I looked over at Britt who was rearranging the gifts.

_"B?"_

She looked up at me with a worried look on her face.

_"Yea?"_

_"Want to go have lunch? Maybe go to the park?"_

She looked over at Ari and the kids and then back at me.

_"Are you sure? I know that you missed them."_

_"I have the whole week to be with them. Right now...you and I should talk."_

_"Yea...okay."_

* * *

After I kissed my babies and hugged my friends, Britt and I headed out.

I had no idea how I was going to talk to her about everything that was on mind.

She still made me a little nervous.

My heart had been broken when she broke things off with me.

I had hope still but knowing that someone as manipulative as Grady has been hanging around, has me on eggshells.

We walked out onto the curb and Britt hailed a cab.

She was a natural city girl and seeing her out on the streets of the city, always reminded me that she was from Chicago and not Lima.

We sat side by side and watched the city go by in silence for a minute before I felt her finger linking with mine.

I had missed her pinky wrapped around mine.

It was a symbol of our friendship and it held a lot of significance for me, especially after today.

_"You called Ari."_

_"I couldn't drive in peace...I didn't want him there another minute. I know that you trust him but I don't."_

_"It's fine...you are right. I wasn't thinking. I was just...I don't know...it won't happen again. It was a stupid thing to do."_

The car stopped and Britt shoved a few bills at the cab driver before climbing out and holding the door open for me.

As I stepped out into the city, I was filled with so much warmth that it shocked me.

It felt like I was home.

Definitely not something that I was expecting.

* * *

We bought hot dogs and then walked side-by-side through Central Park.

There were flurries as we watched the few remaining ducks, waddling across the pathway.

Britt tossed pieces of her bread to them as we passed by.

It felt peaceful and right to be walking with her.

_"So how is it being on your own?" _She asked as she watched the ducks waddling through the snow.

_"It's hard...I have a new respect for your parents. I even called Susan a few weeks back and told her how much I admired her."_

_"Yea she told me."_

_"The best part though is that I actually trust myself. I like being sober. I like waking up in the mornings knowing what happened the night before and not having a headache. I still get the tremors and my skin still crawls from time to time but it's not as strong. I have so much to live for. So much that I want out of life and...it's just not worth my life or my family. I don't need drugs and alcohol...it's not really a big deal. I am probably at a point that I can have a glass of wine and be done...but even still...I don't want it."_

Britt took my whole hand into her hers and brought it to her lips.

She smiled at me and then looked down at the ground.

_"I'm so proud of you."_

_"I could crash...I could fall apart still but I'm working on this. I want to get things right. I'm not going to make promises about how I will never crave drugs again...because it's not true. I can tell you though that it's not something that I want. That life...is not the one that I want."_

_"I'm so glad to hear that."_

_"You are?"_

_"It's what made me not go back to Grady. Everytime I see you...I can see the change in you. I can see the light coming back to your eyes when you are with the kids. I see the way that you look at me still. I was hoping that we could start trying to build our relationship...maybe we could start dating?"_

I looked at her in disbelief.

_"As in...get back together?"_

She stopped and pulled me closer to her.

_"Yes. I want to start working on getting back together. We don't have to label it...I just...I want to know that it's just me again. That you aren't dating and I won't be either."_

_"Are you sure that you are ready for that? I live six hours away, Britt."_

_"I don't care...I just know that I miss talking to you everyday. I miss being able to kiss you when I want. I miss being able to hold you. I want you back in my life."_

_"I-I'm not sure I'm ready for that Britt."_

Her face fell as she nodded and looked at me with a bit of a crushed expression.

_"I understand."_

She began to walk again but I still had her hand and so I pulled so she had to stop.

She turned and looked at me with tears in her eyes.

_"B...you know that for me...it's always been you. It will probably always be you. I just...I want us to take it slow. We are barely friends...I want us to do this right."_

_"I want that too! So why can't you be my girlfriend?"_

_"Because...I'm still working on the friend part. We are different people than we were back at McKinley. I want us to get to know who we are now. I want us to be able to not feel like we rushed it again. I want us to talk all the time...I want to be with all the time but right now...I need to take it one day at a time. Please try to understand that."_

_"I don't want to understand it, okay? I just want things to be...I want you back. I've dated...okay...I tried to see what was out there but I just keep comparing everyone to you."_

I had that heavy feeling in my chest again...she had been dating?

We were single but I hadn't gone out and tried to be with anyone else.

I was such an idiot.

_"This feeling that I have right now...knowing that you were dating...it's why I feel like I'm not ready. I need to be strong enough for things like that not to bother me, B. It bothers me...it hurts like hell knowing that you were looking for a replacement for me. I'm not mad...I just...it feels like you are settling for me now. I don't want to get back together because of that. I want us to do it mutually. I need to be able to stand on my own...I'm still working on me. I want you so bad...just...I'm not ready for anything serious yet."_

She covered her face and turned her back to me.

I stepped back and let her cry it out.

I couldn't comfort her...not with the way that I was feeling.

So I waited patiently.

* * *

It took a whole ten minutes for Britt to get herself together.

When she turned to look at me, her eyes still twinkled even though she looked a bit sad.

She reached out for my hand again and I let her hold it.

_"I will wait for you, Ana. From now on...I will wait and I will start trying to be a better friend to you."_

_"Thank you."_

_"And we will...eventually get there...right?"_

_"I really hope so, B."_

_"So what now?"_

We made our way back out to the street to get another cab back home.

_"Right now...we make the best out of our holiday. We have a great time with our families and friends."_

_"Okay." _

_"Are your parents still coming into town?"_

_"They will be at dinner at Sandra's tomorrow."_

_"Great...I can't wait to see them"_

_"Me either."_

As we sat in the cab, hands still linked I looked over at her and watched as her eyes sparkled as she looked at all the decorations in the store windows.

_"Hey B?"_

She turned towards me and smiled really big.

_"I love you."_

She squeezed my hand and then leaned in and kissed my cheek.

_"I love you too. Always."_

* * *

We rode the rest of the way in silence.

There was nothing else left to say.

I knew now that she wanted me and was going to actively going to start working towards us being together again.

I had more than hope now, my faith in her and us had been restored.

I still had fears about the dark possibilities in my life but I wasn't going to worry.

Life was full of maybes and worries but this time, I was going to have faith in myself.

Because being sober meant so much more than staying clean for me.

Being sober was the difference between having a life and being alone.

And I had promised myself a long time ago...that I would never allow myself to be alone ever again.

That was a promise...above all else that I planned to keep.

* * *

**_A/N: Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? I can...finally! I am still writing one shots...so if there is anything that you guys would like me to dive into in this universe...let me know! Thank you for the great reviews and adds. You guys rock!_**


	29. Chapter 29:Settle Down

**Chapter 29: Settle Down (No Doubt)**

* * *

_**I had more than hope now, my faith in her and us had been restored.**_

_**I still had fears about the dark possibilities in my life but I wasn't going to worry.**_

_**Life was full of maybes and worries but this time, I was going to have faith in myself.**_

_**Because being sober meant so much more than staying clean for me.**_

_**Being sober was the difference between having a life and being alone.**_

_**And I had promised myself a long time ago...that I would never allow myself to be alone ever again.**_

_**That was a promise...above all else that I planned to keep.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It felt so good to walk into the apartment and see my son stare at me in shock.

_"Mami!"_ he screeched and then he ran and threw himself against my legs.

I leaned down and picked him up into my arms.

He looked at me with such a happy smile and then leaned in and kissed my face.

_"Wuv you, Mami."_ He said as he hugged my neck.

I rubbed his back and kissed his neck.

_"I love you too, Papa." _

_"Tickoh!"_ He squealed and squirmed in my arms.

_"Ma?"_ I looked over at Ari and she was holding Daniela's arms as she looked up at me with outstretched hands.

_"Oh my baby."_ I was in heaven as I delighted in my kids.

I put Isaac down on his feet so that I could make my way over to Daniela when I felt him hit my leg.

_"Bad Mami!"_ and then he hit me again.

I looked down at him like he was crazy.

_"Did you just hit Mami?"_

He nodded and went to do it again but I was faster than he was and I caught his hand as I crouched down.

_"No hitting, Isaac."_

_"Bad Mami!"_ He stomped his foot and crossed his arms over his chest.

_"No hitting...do you understand?"_

_"No!"_ he yelled and then went to hit me again.

_"That's enough."_

I picked him up clear off the ground and walked over to the chaise seat that was all by itself in between the bookshelves and sat him down.

I got down on my knees in front of him and looked him in his eyes.

_"You will sit here until you are ready to say sorry." _

_"No."_

_"Don't you move."_

He looked like he was ready to try to climb down but he didn't.

When I turned back towards the room, they were all looking at me in shock.

_"What?"_

_"How did you do that?"_ Britt asked as she peaked over my shoulder at him.

_"Don't look at him, B. Let him sit there until he is ready to apologize. I had to take those court mandated parenting classes. They talked about this. He needs boundaries. So I just set one."_

* * *

I sat down on the floor and held my hands out to Daniela.

Ari held onto her hands and held her up as she took steps towards me.

She looked so proud of herself.

When she stood right in front of me, Ari let her hands go and she stood there looking at me and clapped her hands together.

_"Yay...look at you!" _

_"Ma!" _

As I sat there looking at my daughter as she achieved something major, my heart felt so full.

This was my life and I wouldn't trade if for anything.

I knew as I looked at her that I would do everything in my power to protect her from the Marco's of the world.

I would make sure that her and Isaac stuck together and looked out for one another.

Seeing her smile at me, just reinforced my will to stay sober.

Because I didn't want to go another day without my children.

My history...my childhood had been less than perfect and up until a few months ago, my children were in line to say the same thing.

But now...I realize just how much they deserve to just be kids...to just have everything that they need.

I want to be an active participant in their lives, the good and the bad.

They would need me and I would be there.

Plain and simple.

Because they come first before all else.

They are my reason and my purpose for waking up each morning.

And I thank God for them.

* * *

Rachel and Puck left to pick up Quinn from the airport and Ari caught a ride home so within minutes we were all alone.

Just the four of us.

Britt had gone into the kitchen to make dinner and I was building blocks with Daniela, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I looked over and met eyes bluer than the sky.

_"Mami, I sorry. No more hits. I sorry, K?"_

_"Okay."_ I said as he held open his arms so that I could hug him.

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into my lap.

Daniela saw him and handed him a block.

_"Bock!"_ She said and he smiled at her.

_"Thank you."_ He said before putting it on top of the little tower.

I sat there watching them play for a while and it made me so happy to see.

Sometimes, it surprises me that its a little over a year out of high school and I am a mother of two.

_"Ana?"_ I looked up from the kids and there stood Britt with a bottle in her hand.

_"It's time for bed...can you get Izzy washed up and in bed while I feed Dani?"_

_"Yep! Let's go kiddies." _

I put Isaac down on the floor and then scooped up Daniela.

He didn't protest this time, he just walked beside me as I handed the baby to Britt.

I could tell that he had learned a lesson.

And even if he did it again, he knew that there was a consequence, and that was the point.

* * *

Right before I left the city and moved six hours away, Britt and I sat down and discussed how we were going to handle the kids.

I agreed to come down every other weekend and spend it with them.

Unfortunately, once I realized just how daunting the drive was to make, it ended up that I would leave Lima after work on Fridays, show up on Saturdays at Rachel's or Mami's house. Britt would bring the kids early in the morning and then I would have them all day long and then I would get on the road early Sunday, so that I could get to work that night on time.

Sometimes, I would manage to get two Saturdays in a row off and Britt would let me have the kids. She worked all day on Saturdays so she was flexible with my time with them.

The thing that we had agreed on that made sense to me at the time, was that I wasn't allowed to have them overnight and I wasn't allowed to take them anywhere unless I had someone else with me.

It broke my heart every time that I had to leave them or every time, I couldn't take them out to the zoo or to lunch, just the three of us but then I would remember why I had agreed to that rule and I would immediately feel guilty.

So a lot of my time with them was spent, teaching them things and using our imaginations.

Isaac and I would crawl around and let Daniela chase us or Isaac would play peek a boo with Daniela.

It was always fun but each time, Britt would come by and scoop them up and leave.

There were no good nights, no tucking them in, and no bedtime stories.

I hated it.

Without fail I would sob uncontrollably the whole ride back to Lima.

So when Britt called me and asked me if I wanted to spend the night on Christmas Eve and maybe the whole week...I nearly jumped through the phone so that I could hug her.

It was like a dream come true.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I'm not supposed to be worried but I can't help it.

Gladys told me though, that I have to start trusting her.

So I'm not going to hover over her while she gives Izzy a bath.

I'm going to keep feeding Dani and I'm not going to worry.

Dani felt heavy in my arms as I burped her over my shoulder.

She was already asleep which I was grateful for because it would give me a reason to check in on Ana.

I changed Dani's diaper one last time and then tucked her into the crib.

Her blonde curls were becoming looser and framing her face.

She looked like an angel.

* * *

I kissed her face and then walked out of the room and into Izzy's room.

Ana was on her knees as she rubbed his back.

He was almost asleep as she sang softly to him.

She had tears in her eyes as she looked down at him and I knew immediately that I had done the right thing.

Izzy was watching her with a smile on his face as he fought to keep his eyes open.

Eventually though, they closed and he began to snore lightly.

_"I love you, Papa."_ She whispered as she kissed his cheek.

I smiled at her and then headed over to Izzy.

She didn't say anything to me as she headed out to go kiss the baby goodnight.

Our routine of putting the kids to sleep was still in tact.

And it felt so right.

Ana was home again and for the first time in months, I felt safe.

If only I could get her to stay forever.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The kids were both asleep and it was just hitting nine.

Britt and I sat down in the kitchen and ate the chicken and spaghetti that she made for us.

She pulled out a bottle of sparkling cider and poured us each a glass.

I could tell that she had put a lot of thought into dinner.

_"So how was it putting him to bed?"_ She asked as she cut into her chicken.

_"It felt so right...each moment with them just reminds me what I'm fighting so hard for."_

_"I need to tell you something."_ She looked annoyed but I could tell that it wasn't at me.

_"Okay."_

_"While you were playing with the kids, I called Grady and I told him that he needed to pull back. That I needed him to stop coming around."_

_"Yea? What did he say?"_

_"He called me a bitch and a cocktease."_

_"He said what?!"_ I felt my anger spike but then she shook her head and took a sip of her cider.

_"He's not worth it. Trust me."_

_"Okay...thanks for telling me, B."_

_"I am just sorry that I even went there. He has this hold over me and it's like I just can't think straight."_

I knew that feeling.

Marco had a similar hold over me for years.

I couldn't fault her for that.

_"Let's enjoy our dinner...okay?"_ I said as I put my hand over hers.

She looked down at our hands and then blushed.

_"Okay."_

_"Good." _

I pulled my hand back and immediately missed her touch.

But I couldn't lead her on.

I wasn't ready and deep down, I knew that she wasn't either.

* * *

I cleaned up the kitchen while Britt took a shower and I tool my time as I tried to get my head together.

This was really happening, I was really here.

It wasunbelievable still.

Britt was still in the shower as I finished up in the kitchen.

I made myself a cup of coffee and then headed to the living room.

I climbed over the gate and made my way over to my piano.

There was a table right beside it that had sheet music on the second part and a coaster on the first.

I smiled, because it seemed like Britt had thought of everything.

After placing my mug down, I slid onto the bench and raised the cover.

I closed my eyes and lightly dusted my fingers over the coolness of the keys.

A feeling of utter bliss filled my soul as I sat there looking out at the city that I had always planned to call home.

I took a deep breath and then played the first note, the sound of it was enough to make my toes curl.

I launched into the melody of the song that I had written for Beyoncé.

When I had sent it to her, she called me back with it playing in the background and thanked me so much for it.

She told me how she fell in love with it from the first note.

I hadn't always been a huge fan of hers until she went on to have a full half hour conversation with me about the melodic undertones to such a deeply tormented song.

She was a musician like me and suddenly I was one of her biggest fans.

* * *

_"Merry Christmas Ana."_

I looked up to see Britt holding a red box in front of me.

She had a nervous look in her eyes and was nibbling on her lip again.

I slid over and made room for her on the bench.

But she didn't move until I took the slender box from her.

_"What is it?"_

_"Open it silly."_

_"Okay."_

I moved the ribbon off the box and then slowly lifted the lid.

I looked over at her and she was peering inside the box as if she hadn't seen the gift already.

When I looked down at the rosary, I couldn't help but notice the simplicity but also the intricate detail of it.

_"It's Izzy and Dani's birthstones with pearls in between for your birthstone. It's handmade."_

I placed the box down on the keys and pulled the rosary from the box.

It was long just how I liked it.

My vision was suddenly cloudy as I ran the smooth beads through my fingers.

_"I wasn't sure what to buy you...because...well we aren't together and I didn't want you to think that I was pushing myself on you or anything."_

She was rambling and all I wanted to do was kiss her.

So I did.

Britt's hands cupped my face as I moved closer. Her kiss touched a part of me that I had closed off for a long time.

She pulled back and looked at me with tears in her eyes.

_"I miss you so much."_ She brushed a thumb over my lips before leaning in and kissing me again. _"Please be with me again, Ana."_

I looked up in her eyes and then closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Britt can be relentless when she wants something. It's both entirely intoxicating and frustrating at the same time.

_"I want that so fucking bad, B...it just that..."_ I watched her nod in understanding.

_"You still want to go slow."_

I leaned in and kissed her lips again and then pulled away and sighed.

_"Please understand this, Britt Britt."_

_"What can I do to change your mind?"_

_"Britt...please?"_ I was begging her to respect what I wanted even though by kissing her I had totally sent her mixed signals. _"Let's just be us...let's not label it. Okay?_"

She leaned forward and pulled me into a hug.

_"Okay...but just promise you will tell me when you're ready."_

I pulled away and held out both of my pinkies

_"I double pinky promise."_

She broke out into a huge smile and took both of my pinkies in hers.

It was the perfect way to close out such an awkward conversation.

* * *

I stood in the shower and ran my fingers over my new rosary and thought about the thought that Britt put into it.

Even with the Grady situation, I knew that she was really trying. I wanted to be with her so badly.

I peaked out of the shower just to make sure the door was locked and then turned up the heat of the water. It was my first hot shower in almost a week and I was really enjoying it.

I wanted her so badly and my body wanted her even more than that. I touched between my legs and could feel just how much I wanted her.

We were going to be sharing a bed and I couldn't go to bed feeling like this. I felt like I had a boner...she would know if I wanted her.

I brushed across my clit.

_"Fuck."_ I muttered._ "Britt."_

The thought of Britt touching me made my body tremble. I moved my fingers faster and imagined her hovering over me. I bit down on my lips to keep from screaming out as I dipped two fingers inside and used my palm to work my clit.

_"Oh God...f-fuck Britt!"_ I moaned as I came.

I rested against the wall and tried to catch my breath. I pushed the shower door open and there sitting against the sink holding my towel looking flushed, was Britt.

_"That...uh...was super hot."_ she said as she handed me my towel. _"The um...the door doesn't really lock. Izzy locked himself in here and I had to pop it to get it open. Hasn't worked since."_

_"Fuck."_ I was so embarrassed.

_"At least I know that you still want me back."_

She smiled and then got up and walked out of the bathroom and shut the door.

I leaned against the sink and tried to get myself together.

_"Fucking perfect timing."_

* * *

When I crawled into bed Britt was on the phone whispering quietly.

It wasn't my business.

I curled up around my body pillow and closed my eyes when I felt her nudge me. I turned my head and she was holding my phone out.

_"It's your mom."_

I smiled when I realized that it had been an innocent phone call. I took the phone and put it to my ear.

_"Bendicion, Mami."_

_"Hola mija! Merry Christmas! We can't wait to see you tomorrow at dinner!"_

_"I can't wait to see you either."_

_"Brittany tells me that you two kissed...I thought you told me that you wanted to take it slow when we talked last week."_

I shot Britt a look and she blushed and rolled onto her side to watch me. She was wide eyed as she nibbled on her lip.

_"Mami we are taking it slow. Britt knows how I feel...she knows that I want to focus on slowly making my way back."_

_"Bueno. Tell me...how did you like the rosary?"_

_"It's beautiful. I love it."_

_"That's great! Okay mija, I'm going to let you get some rest. You two behave!"_

_"I know Mami!"_

When I hung up, I lunged towards Britt and tackled her. She squealed as I tickled her sides.

_"I can't believe that you told her!"_ I growled as I hovered over her.

_"I'm sorry! Ana I'm gonna pee myself. Oh my goodness. Stop!"_

I kissed her cheeks and then climbed off her and collapsed next to her.

_"Did you really just come out and tell her?"_

She threw her leg over my hip and shook her head.

_"She asked about the rosary and it just slipped out!"_

_"Sure!"_ I said as I laid against my pillow and leaned against her body.

_"I'm happy that you're here, Ana."_

_"I'm happy to be here."_

I turned around and backed up against her and enjoyed the feeling of her holding me.

This was where I belonged and I would do everything that it took to make things right.

* * *

_"Mami? Mama?"_

I opened my eyes to Isaac peaking over the edge of the bed.

_"Isaac? What's wrong papa?"_ I sat up and looked down at him and could see that he was crying.

_"I pee, Mami...in my bed."_ He whined.

I climbed down from the bed and could see that his pants were stuck to his legs.

_"B?"_

She opened her groggy eyes and them looked over at Isaac. She was suddenly alert and sitting up.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"He peed in the bed. I'm going to clean him up...can you change his sheets?"_

_"Um yea."_

* * *

I took Isaac's hand and walked with him into the bathroom. _  
_

I lifted him up on the sink and turned on the water to wait for it to be warm.

_"I sorry...Mami...I sorry."_ he whispered as he rubbed at his eyes.

_"It's okay, Papa. Mami's not mad."_

I washed up Isaac as he rested his head against me.

Normally this would have been a bath situation but I knew that it would wake him up more.

Britt came into the bathroom with fresh pajamas and then leaned in and kissed my cheek. _  
_

_"How is he?"_

_"I ok, Mama."_ He said quietly without moving from my chest as I wiped him clean.

_"Yea, Mami's cleaning you good."_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay, Ana...I'm going to get back in the bed. See you in there."_

_"I go night night with you?"_ Isaac said as he looked up at me.

Britt was barely out the room and so I turned towards her.

_"Can he B?"_

She smiled and shrugged.

_"It's Christmas...why not?"_

I turned back toward him excitedly as I pulled a shirt over his head.

_"You here that, Papa? Mama says you can go night night with us!"_

I put him down on the floor and he clapped his hands together.

_"Yay!"_

* * *

We settled back in bed, this time with Isaac curled up between us on a plastic sheet.

He fell right to sleep as we both rubbed his back.

I looked over at Britt and she was staring at me with that twinkle in her eyes._  
_

_"You know it's going to be really hard going back when the time comes."  
_

_"I know but I have to go back."  
_

She sighed and looked back down at Isaac._  
_

_"I know...it's just...I wish you could be here. You are missing so much. We all miss you."  
_

_"I miss you guys too. It's just that I am finally on the cusp of getting better. I am starting to trust myself and that's a huge thing. And you know what else?"  
_

_"Yea?"_

_"For the first time in my life...I am not so afraid of being alone."_

Her eyes got wide and then she smiled._  
_

_"That's big, Ana."  
_

I nodded and laid down on my pillow and brushed my fingers through Isaac's little bush of hair.

When I looked back up at Britt I could see that her mind was going a million miles a minute.

She was biting her bottom lip really hard and her eyebrows were scrunched up._  
_

_"What's up, B?"  
_

She looked up at me and then smiled again._  
_

_"I get it...that makes so much sense to me. You want to get comfortable with being alone, with getting to know yourself and that's why you need more time. I get it and I'm sorry...I-I won't push anymore. I promise."  
_

A heaviness that I hadn't known was sitting on my chest until that moment eased a bit._  
_

_"Thank you so much, B...I'm so glad that you get it."  
_

_"I'm glad that I get it too. Lets get some sleep...I'm so excited to see what that big box for Isaac is."  
_

_"Ha! Why didn't you just ask?"  
_

_"It would ruin the surprise!"  
_

And there was the Britt that I had fallen in love with that night in the treehouse.

The Britt that saw me simply and truly.

I fell asleep that night feeling at peace and like I could finally grasp some control in my life.

And it was such a fucking good feeling!

* * *

**_A/N: Christmas and a multi-POV chapter coming! I'm so excited! YAY! Review and let me know what you thought.  
_**


	30. Chapter 30:Feel Again

**_A/N: This is going to be one of two, multi-POVs. This is part one. Enjoy!_ **

* * *

**Chapter 30: Feel Again (One Republic)**

* * *

**_And there was the Britt that I had fallen in love with that night in the treehouse._**

**_The Britt that saw me simply and truly._**

**_I fell asleep that night feeling at peace and like I could finally grasp some control in my life._**

**_And it was such a fucking good feeling!_**

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"Listen, I wanted to tell you but after the holidays. I didn't want us to just end up in bed together and I wanted this to be real."_

_"How many times have I told you Luce, you can't control everything. Especially not the way you feel and it's crazy to try."_

_"That's why I'm here. I got off that plane with every intention of going back to Rachel's and continuing to pretend that we were still together. She has been begging me to let her move on and I was being selfish. I didn't want to bring Christmas in like that. So I got in a cab and came all the way to Brooklyn hoping that I could spend it with you."_

I stood there shivering in the cold, on Celia's top stoop, waiting for her to give me an answer.

Then just like I had hoped, her face lit up and she opened the door wider.

I felt my soul soar as I stepped into the vestibule. She closed the door and then she lifted me clear off my feet and spun me around.

_"It's like a fucking dream come true...I have never had someone like you in my life Luce and I want nothing more than to spend this Christmas and every other holiday holding you tight and never letting you go."_

_"I am so in love with you, C. So fucking in love!" _I said as I wrapped my arms around her neck and crashed my lips against hers.

I didn't need another gift for the rest of the holidays, I had gotten exactly what I wanted!

* * *

Celia held her hands on my ass as she carried me up the stairs.

I ran my fingers through her short pixie cut and kissed her face a million times.

How she managed to get us to her bed safely, was beyond me.

She put me down on my feet and then proceeded to pull my dress over my head.

_"It's the middle of winter and Lucy Quinn Fabray is braless?" _She quirked her eyebrows and I just chuckled as I lowered my panties and toed out of my boots.

_"And now Lucy Quinn Fabray is naked...are you going to do something about it or would you prefer your running commentary?"_

Celia loves challenges.

And this was definitely one that intrigued her.

_"I plan to do both." _

She pulled off her tank top and pushed down her boxers and then pounced.

_"Yea?" _I said as I brushed my fingers over her back as she rested in between my legs.

_"Definitely. I want to remember every second of being with you so that in those moments that you are away from me, I will still feel you right beside me."_

_"When did you become such a sap?"_

She growled and then leaned in, taking my nipple between her teeth creating a sting before soothing it away with her tongue.

_"Oh...so good." _I whispered as I held her head in place as she licked, sucked, and nipped at my chest.

_"Not as good as you're going to feel."_

* * *

**Sandra's POV**

* * *

_"Are you sure that you have to go? Why tonight, Johnny?"_

_"I have to play tomorrow...trust me baby I don't want to leave you and the boys. We are just getting back to who we were when we got married. I can't wait to see you in a few days!" _

_"Will you call me when you get to Miami?"_

_"Absolutely, baby! Enjoy your Christmas...this is your last big family dinner in this house...make it memorable." _I looked into his green eyes and could see his sincerity. I could see the commitment and even though he had committed a huge betrayal, I knew that his heart was back where it belonged.

_"With my family...memorable never begins to cover it. Te amo, carino!"_

Johnny, cupped my face and kissed my lips softly as his other hand gripped my waist.

_"Come on...that's gross!" _I stepped back and laughed as I looked down at Evan and Xavier._ "Let the man go, Titi San. He has an important game tomorrow."_

Johnny lightly punched Evan's shoulder and then knelt down and took Jojo and Xavier into his arms.

_"Be good for Mami, okay?"_

They both nodded at him and then he pulled them into a tight hug.

It was so bittersweet seeing how far Johnny had come in loving my two nephews as if they were his sons.

He looked back at the clock and then he looked straight at Evan.

_"You are the man of the house now...the oldest Lopez male...so hold down the fort okay. Look after the boys and Titi."_

Evan had the most serious face on as he nodded.

_"Absolutely Tio. Merry Christmas."_

* * *

On the ride back to Westchester, I looked in my rearview window and smiled to myself as I watched the three little boys sleeping in the back seat.

Two of them had lost their mother almost a year ago and it had taken them a lot of time but they were finally able to be around Mari without crying. They were able to talk about Ethan and Brendan like they were still alive and if Brenda came up in conversation, they would just look at each other and smile.

Their hearts were healing and it was through them that I was able to start healing.

We all were.

Damariz and Saul had been bitter for so long about not being able to have kids and now they had little Norah who was happy and healthy.

Celia had finally become okay with who she was and knew for a fact that being an artist was what she was destined to do.

We were healed and striving to become a tighter unit of whole people.

Our wildcard was Santana.

Our baby sister had become so tangled up in the web that our father created that she was so lost and so confused with who she was. I had been leery about her moving six hours away with no one around her to protect her but she showed me something that I hadn't expected, responsiblity. The money from her came every week like clock work and with each of them a small note with an update or accomplishment.

Notes that said things like, one month sober or turned down a drink.

She wasn't asking me to be proud of her, she wasn't asking me to reconsider cutting her off.

All that she was doing was reassuring me that she was still there, still existing.

I hadn't seen her in almost a month and was insanely nervous to have her for Christmas dinner because with Ana you never know what you are going to get.

It is my hope that this will be an unremarkable dinner.

So mundane and so subdued that we actually get to eat and enjoy each other.

I know that I will miss my husband but I also am certain that my family will be a big enough distraction, especially Ana and Britt, that I won't be walking around sulking.

I just wanted everything to go well.

* * *

**Dionne's POV**

* * *

_"Why are you here? You realize that it's Christmas right?"_

I didn't appreciate her attitude.

_"Why do you even care...your a Jew...right?"_

_"Get on with it Dionne."_

_"I came to get my things."_

_"I threw your shit out." _

_"Look...can I come in?"_

I tried to be a bitch but it just never seemed to fucking work with Rachel.

So annoying!

She sighed and then stepped back.

When I walked into our old apartment, the whole vibe was different.

There was the Jew candle thing in the window and there were candles lit everywhere else as well.

_"What is it you wanted...seriously."_

I turned towards my old roommate and then I pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down in frustration.

_"I need someone to talk to and I'm a little short on friends these days."_

Now her fucking hands were on her hips.

And here I was trying to be nice.

_"What about Grady?"_

_"This is about Grady...I can't talk to him about well...him!" _

_"You woke me up at six in the morning to talk about Grady?"_

_"And Brittany."_

Her eyebrows raised and she slid onto the bench across from me.

_"What about him and Brittany?"_

_"Are they really done?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"Look...I have done everything in my power to break them up but he keeps fucking going back to her. It's not how things are supposed to go."_

_"How are they supposed to go exactly?"_

_"He is supposed to be with me! I have been in love with him since I was three years old."_ She looked confused. _"What?"_

_"Aren't you like his sister?"_

_"Oh...that. No...we were raised as cousins...our mom's were best friends. They raised us together...but he's not related to me. I'm not that fucking crazy."_

_"Look...I know that Britt loves Santana with everything she has and that she is willing to do anything to get her back. So the less Grady is in the picture, the better."_

_"So she's getting back with Santana?"_

_"I hope so."_

* * *

Suddenly my spirit lifted.

That was exactly what I needed to hear.

Grady was mine.

I had been in love with him forever and up until the day that he met Brittany fucking Lopez, we had been on our way to happiness.

Then he went and fell for her.

I got close to her because she was my enemy and I needed to know her so that I could take her down.

By any means necessary.

I tried to throw so many things in his way to get him to dump her but nothing worked.

That was of course until I found out that she was pregnant.

Then I found out more about Santana and bam...it was easy.

Grady listens to me.

I told him that Santana was rich and would take that baby from him.

I convinced him that Santana got pregnant and then blocked the guy from the kids.

And it worked, I painted such a bleak picture for him that he freaked out.

I thought that he would just leave her but he pushed that abortion on her.

Even better.

No kid to get in our way later.

But I had to make it clear to him that the moment that he got her to do it, his career was likely over.

Britt and Tony were so close and probably fucking so it wouldn't be a stretch to have Grady fired.

So he agreed to leave not just her but the show as well.

We would go back home and he would honor his dad and granddad by going to the army.

I would be his wife...finally.

We had it all planned out.

The day that he left her, he came to me and we made love.

And then we were gone.

I thought we were happy.

Then something changed.

Brittany happened.

* * *

**Rachel's POV**

* * *

**_I really need to talk to you.-Rach_**

**_We are making breakfast for the kids Rachel...stop texting Britt.-Santana_**

**_Dnt mnd her Rach. Come ovr?-Brittany_**

**_It's about Dionne and Grady.-Rach_**

**_No.-Santana_**

**_Not 2day.-Brittany_**

**_She's on her way to you.-Rach_**

**_I'll handle it.-Santana_**

**_Thx Rachel.-Brittany_**

* * *

_"Okay, I did what you asked me to do. You can go now."_

_"Good...maybe she will tell Santana everything now."_

_"I don't know why you even have to go there."_

_"Because I need to make sure that Grady can't go back to her." _

_"Are you done? I have a flight to catch and you are slowing me down."_

_"I don't think they need your help to make that happen."_

_"Everyone needs my help Rachel."_

_"That's where you're wrong. No one needs your help. Leave them alone. They are finally in a good place."_

_"I want them to stay together just as much as you do...Maybe more so."_

_"Great...good...can you go now?"_

_"I'll be in touch...have a safe flight."_

_"Yea." _

What the heck just happened?

I have to move.

When it gets to the point that you can't escape someone, it's time to find a new place.

Thankfully my dad's came through and got me booked on a week long cruise, just me and Kurt.

I needed it.

We both needed it.

Stuff in New York had become too much and being the keeper of everyone's woes was raining too much on my sobriety.

I needed to take a step back.

School was only getting harder and more demanding, I didn't want to crack again.

Because this was my last chance.

I had been warned endlessly by Madam Tibideaux, that I was a risk.

It was my reputation now and I wasn't going to let that stigma follow me any longer.

When I returned to NYADA next semester, I would be fierce and controlled.

Rehab had taught me a lot about devoting time to your mental health and after seeing Santana fall just a few months out of rehab just reminded me of how easy it is to fall.

She had moved out of the city but I couldn't do that...so this was just the next best thing.

Besides...it's a chance to tan in the middle of winter with one of my best friends.

What could be better?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Was there ever something between you and Dionne?" I asked as I flipped the pancakes and Britt scrambled the eggs. _

_"Just a friendship. That's it." Britt said as she stared down at the eggs with a broken look on her face. _

_"And Grady...do you still love him?"_

_"I wish I didn't." She tried to discreetly wipe a tear away but I saw it. _

I moved the pan from the flame and turned it off.

We had enough.

I put a hand on Britt's hip and turned her.

_"You can't change your heart, B. You shared something with him...a baby...that doesn't just go away."_

She looked up at me, looking pitiful and teary eyed.

It was Christmas morning, things weren't supposed to go like this.

I knew we should have kept our phones off.

_"Why not? Why was it so easy to get rid of a human life with a beating heart and not a bad person like Grady?"_

I shook my head as I thought about my miscarriage and about the two years that I spent with Marco after that.

You become numb inside.

You forget how to feel certain things.

_"B, can I tell you something?"_

She turned off her fire and moved her pan before the eggs burned and then looked back at me and nodded.

_"You can tell me anything."_

_"Do you remember that night...the one where we first kissed in the treehouse?"_

_"Yes. You were so broken and I just wanted to put you together again."_

_"That was the anniversary of my miscarriage. I just wanted to get through it and forget about it but Marco had this hold on me. He scared me. I just wanted to die. I never thought I would live this long. I didn't think I could ever get past that loss and a part of me didn't want to. I was used to the void, the emptiness. Being a mother scares the shit out of me still because now I have so much more to lose but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Those kids and you...save me every day. Even when Marco was alive, I knew that my life and my heart were with you because you took that numb feeling in my soul and made me feel something. After that night...when Marco was abusing me in ways that I don't think I can ever speak of out loud, it was you that got me through it. It has always been you."_

_"I did all that?"_

_"Only you, B. It's why Quinn could never measure up. She was an amazing friend and she was the greatest temporary comfort but just like a temporary high...it doesn't last. I tried to hard to feel that with Ian...and he opened me up to a new kind of love. Without him I wouldn't be such a good mother to those kids...he showed me how to love without money, without materials. But you...only you have touched a deep part of me that helps me to feel love and life. You loved me so hard that it taught me that I'm worth loving, regardless of the things that I have done. Only you have done that for me. So yes...it's always been you who did all that."_

_"So then it doesn't upset you that I love him?"_

_"Are you in love with him?"_

_"No...not even close...but I care about him, I don't want him to hurt."_

And that was Britt at her core.

_She stuck by me through everything with Ian. _

_Even after I openly admitted to getting pregnant again._

_She cared about people that hurt her and wronged her. _

_Who was I to be upset about that?_

_Without the size of Britt's heart...then our relationship would have done died a long time ago. _

_"I'm okay with that then, B."_

She put her hand to her chest and then took a few deep breaths.

_"Oh God." _

Tears came to her eyes and then she wiped them away before reaching forward and pulling me against her tightly.

_"You okay, Britt Britt?" _I rubbed her back as I leaned against her shoulder.

_"You have no idea how good it is to hear that. I have been...just so worried that you would hate me for that."_

I pulled back and looked into her eyes.

_"I can never hate you. Ever! I mean that."_

_"Thank you!"_

* * *

_"Here Izzy, give this to Mami." _I looked up at Britt in surprise as she handed Isaac another gift for me.

I watched my son as he held the green box and walked slowly over to me.

Daniela was playing with the noisy book that I had gotten her. She kept giggling every time she touched the one page and it made a whooshing sound.

_"Open it, Mami."_ Isaac said as he held my gift to me.

I looked up at Britt who was anxiously watching me as she sat on the floor with Daniela in her lap.

_"What could it be...will you help me open it Papa?" _

Isaac looked at the box and nodded at me.

He showed me his little muscle just like Nono had shown him to and then began ripping at a corner of the box.

_"Ike this Mami." _

I followed his direction and began to slowly peal at the other end of the box.

It took us a whole ten minutes to open the box but in the end Isaac seemed so proud of himself that I didn't mind.

I handed the used wrapping paper to Isaac and watched him walk it to the trash bag we had on the side_. _

_"Wait for me." _He said before as he put the paper in the bag.

He kept peeking over his shoulder at me just to make sure that I hadn't opened the box.

I waited patiently for him to come back and sit at my feet.

_"Can I open it now, Papa?"_

_"Yes, Mami."_

_"Okay, here goes." _I said excitedly and then I opened the box.

Inside was a new pair of sneakers.

I looked up at Britt and smiled.

_"I don't think you have ever bought me shoes, B."_

_"From me, Mami!" _Isaac said as he clapped his hands.

_"Yea? Thank you, Papa! Come up here and hug me."_

Isaac jumped to his feet and climbed up my legs and threw himself against me.

_"I love them, Papa. Thank you!"_

_"I pick them." _

I looked over at Britt and she nodded.

_"He did. I had noticed that you were wearing the same sneakers every time you came and each time they looked worse so...I asked him if he thought we should buy you sneakers. I took him to the store and he picked those out."_

I looked down at the all black running shoes and then raised my hand up.

_"High five, Papa, you have great taste!" _I held my hand up and Isaac happily slapped it.

This was turning out to be the best Christmas ever.

* * *

**Celia's POV**

* * *

_"Best Christmas ever."_ Luce said as she kissed my neck.

_"Mmm...it's not over yet. Coming back tonight?"_

_"Oh, C, I don't plan on leaving your side...not after the five hours of orgasms you just gave me."_

She whispered as she straddled my hips.

_"Yea? Only five hours?"_

_"What time did Britt say to be at the apartment?"_

I looked over at the clock and then back up at her with a smile.

_"Around 12." _

_"Two hours...perfect!"_

I had spent all morning making love to Quinn in every position that I could imagine.

We had even had a little break on the kitchen counter as we tried to refuel some time around sunrise.

Now though as I tried to sit up and roll us over she pushed me back down and shook her head.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I want to taste you." _

She slid down my body and hoisted my legs up and wasted no time sucking my clit between her teeth.

_"Fuck!" _

_"What was that? Suck?" _She chuckled as she suddenly was hovering and looking up with me.

_"Yes!" _I took both of my hands and pulled her flush against me._ "Suck!" _

She nodded and then sucked and licked and sucked again.

_"Mmmmm...yessss...just like that." _

I saw stars behind my eyes as she worked my clit and then worked her fingers inside.

She used her other hand to hold down my waist because I had been thrusting so hard against her face.

_"Such a control freak." _

She sucked hard and nibbled and I jumped.

_"B-but I-I like it like that." _

She pulled back and blew across the delightfully aching sting.

She kept thrusting her fingers as she crawled back up my body and took my nipple into her mouth.

_"Mmmmm." _

She smiled at me and then made her way up to my lips.

_"I missed you so much." _

_"S-so good!" _I said as she used her other hand to work my clit and then her lips crashed into my mind as she used both hands to bring me to orgasm._ "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy!" _I screamed as I threw my head back and came harder than I had come in months.

Merry fucking Christmas to me.

* * *

We were in the cab halfway to TriBeCa when I turned to Luce and kissed her shoulder.

"So...are we giving this another shot" I was nervous about asking because I ended it in the first place but we had moved on from that.

At least...I thought so.

_"Are you going to trust me around San?"_

I closed my eyes and rested my head against the headrest.

Had it not been for seeing my baby sister nearly overdose or even the way she couldn't look at Quinn for a long time, I would have said no.

But I actually understood what had happened and what would never happen again.

Even if Luce wanted it...Ana would never go there again.

And knowing the way that she beat herself up over it, Luce wouldn't either.

_"Yes...I mean unless you plan on a repeat."_

She shook her head and then linked her hand with mine.

_"I just want to be with you. I love you, Celia, everything that has happened has led me right back here. To you. I tried to fight it but even Rachel could see it. She broke up with me and told me that if I didn't go after what I wanted she would kill me in my sleep."_

_"Oddly enough, I can see that! Should I be worried?"_

_"Of Rachel? Maybe." _

_"So when we are at dinner...can I tell them you're my girlfriend again?"_

_"I'd like that."_

_"Me too."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

We had opened up all the gifts except from Izzy's big one.

Ana had gone all out this year.

She got me the Finding Nemo 3D movie and #1 Mom ring with the kids birthstones.

I felt bad that she had probably gone without food to buy us things.

But seeing the light in her eyes as I made a fuss over my gifts and then Dani shrieked as she played with her bouncing zebra toy.

She had gone without just so that she could get the kids what she wanted to get them.

She was coming a long way from that person that had taken Izzy to that bad place with her.

I was excited to see what she had spent a month's pay on.

She had offered to tell me last night and again over breakfast, but I really wanted to be surprised right along with Izzy.

That was the best part.

Ana walked over to the present and pushed it across the floor and directly in front of Izzy.

_"Here Papa."_

His eyes got huge as he stood up and looked at it and then at Ana.

_"For me?" _He pointed a finger to his chest and then looked at his Mami with a grin.

_"Yes, Papa, all for you."_

_"Ayudame?"_

She looked down at him in shock as he asked for help in Spanish.

Gladys and Hector insisted on speaking to the kids only in Spanish and I was amazed at how fast they were picking it up.

I had even learned some.

She looked up at me and then smiled.

_"Sure Papa, I will help you." _

I watched in excitement as they slowly began to peel back the paper.

Ten minutes went by and they hadn't made much progress.

There was a knock on the door and so I scooped up Dani and made my way over the door while keeping an eye on the unwrapping.

_"Merry Christmas!" _I smiled when Quinn and Celia came inside loaded down with even more presents.

I gave them half hugs and then closed the door.

_"What's going on in here?" _Quinn asked as she walked over to the tree and put the gifts down.

_"Ana bought Izzy this huge gift and they are working at opening it."_

_"Why doesn't she just rip it for him?" _Celia asked as she took Dani from me and kissed her face.

_"Because...it's his favorite part...duh." _I said as I rushed over to the couch and watched in anticipation.

* * *

_"Wow! Bike, Mami! Wow, Dama...Mama...Titi...see it?"_

I was in shock as I looked at the picture of the mini motorcycle powerwheel that Ana had bought our 20 month old son.

I wasn't sure whether to be worried or excited.

So I stood there and just watched him point to the picture on the box.

_"That is so awesome! Puck is going to freak when he sees that!"_ Quinn said as she picked up Izzy so that he could get a better look at the box.

_"Izzy did you thank, Mami?"_ I said once I could speak again.

_"Thank you Mami!"_ He held up his hand for a high five and Ana happily hit his hand.

Celia and Quinn insisted on opening the thing so that he could sit on it while the battery charged.

Ana came over to me and stood in front of me.

_"What's wrong, B? You don't like it?"_

_"Is he old enough for that?"_ I asked nervously as I watched them unpack the box.

_"It's for his age...I checked...I got him a helmet and elbow pads...They are in the box."_

My heart was still racing until she touched my face.

_"I just...I don't want him to get hurt." _

_"Me either, B. I should have talked to you first...shit."_

I snapped out of my daze when I heard her coming down on herself because of my reaction.

I looked at her and could see the worry in her eyes.

That's not what I wanted...especially not today.

So even though other people were in the room, I put a hand behind her head and pulled her into a kiss.

At first she was stiff but then she melted against me and clung to my shirt.

I didn't want her to be upset.

The gift was awesome.

Especially since she got him safety gear.

I didn't doubt her as a mother.

But that wasn't how it seemed.

I kissed her deeply until a throat clearing came from across the room.

I looked up and saw Quinn staring straight at me.

_"Why don't you guys get a room? I have the kids...I'll even get them washed and dressed. Just...go...uh...do that elsewhere."_

So we did.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It wasn't her this time...it was me.

I needed to feel her.

The moment that we were in the bedroom, I shoved her towards the wall and kissed her lips.

She didn't bother asking me if it was okay because I was taking charge.

I loved the fact that she was still in a tank top and shorts. I ripped it off of her and began to kiss her neck and run my fingers over her chest.

_"Anaaaa."_ She whispered.

_"I need to have you, B." _

_"Please?"_ She begged.

I hadn't had her like this since before I went to rehab.

Since before me and Quinn.

It had been almost a full year since I had been able to make her feel my love.

My intimate touch.

I was taking my time but she wasn't in the mood for the sensual.

_"Just fuck me...please...I don't want the fluff. Please." _

_"How do you want it then?"_ I asked as she ran her fingers over my hips.

_"Deep and hard."_

I gripped her neck and pulled her forward until our lips met again.

She held my hips tightly as I shoved my hand into her shorts and slipped past her wetness and straight inside.

_"Like this?"_

_"Yes, Ana, please." _

I put my hand on the wall behind her as I used all of my strength to thrust four fingers as deep as they could go.

_"You okay?"_ I asked when she looked at me a sleepy, glassy daze.

_"Feels...so good! Harder."_

I leaned up and kissed her neck and her shoulders as I crushed my palm over her clit.

_"Like this?"_

_"God yes! Ana!"_ She screamed.

I put my free hand over her mouth to try and muffle her screams but she was really loud.

My hand was tired but I couldn't stop.

She was close, I could feel it.

I rested my sweaty forehead against her shoulder and used my last bit of strength to slip in my last finger and go deeper.

This was when being shorter had an advantage.

_"MMMMMMMM!"_ She looked at me wide eyed as I muffled her scream as she bit into the base of my palm.

_"You want me to stop?"_

She shook her head and pushed her body harder into my hand.

And then I felt her body start to convulse as she came hard, gushing around my hand.

I slowly slipped out of her and then kissed her face as I took my soaked hand and attacked her clit.

Her body was limp as she clung to me.

Her nails were digging into my shoulders as I worked her swollen nub.

_"Don't st-stop...oh Ana!"_ She whispered against me as I held her up with the hand that had been over her mouth.

_"Cum for me, B."_

She nodded and then her body went still and then she shuddered.

_"Am...amazing."_ She whispered.

_"Good."_ I said as I kissed her face and walked us into the bathroom.

* * *

I brushed my teeth and washed my face as Britt showered.

We chose not to go in together because we would never get to Sandra's at that rate.

And while as teenagers the idea of spending all of Christmas going at it like rabbits, we had a family and couldn't do that kind of thing.

That didn't stop her from trying though as I stood there naked ready to climb in the shower as she climbed out newly refreshed.

_"Can I return the favor?"_ She said with lusty look in her eyes.

_"Nope...I think we have played with fire enough for one day."_

She raised her eyebrows and then nodded in understanding and then kissed my cheek before heading into the bedroom.

I watched as she swayed her hips and knew that I would be releasing tension in the shower once again.

What had I gotten myself into?

Fuck it.

I loved her.

I wanted her.

She wanted me.

Why was I holding out again?

My head was in a fog as I worked on my own clit.

This time though I didn't speak out loud.

I worked at my clit and thought of Britt's moans and her face as she came.

My orgasm crashed over me and then I did it again.

Three orgasms later, I was tired and relieved.

My head cleared as I went on to shower.

As I stepped out into the bedroom, I heard yelling coming from the living room.

It was Britt and she was not happy.

Then I remembered.

Dionne.

Fuck.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Everything was good.

We were all laughing about Britt and San's sexploits.

The kids were washed and dressed and napping.

Now we just waited for San who was no doubt releasing some tension.

Then there was a knock on the door.

Britt got up to answer it with the happiest face I had seen.

Celia was putting together the toys that needed a screwdriver and I was sending out a text Rachel to let her know that I had taken her advice and gotten back together with the love of my life.

Then I heard Britt make a yelping noise as she stepped out into the hall and shut the door behind her.

_"What's going on?"_ Celia said as she stood to her feet and dusted off her jeans.

_"I don't know...but something doesn't feel right."_

That's when I heard what sounded like a slap and Britt yelling at someone.

_"Shit."_ Celia said as she rushed to the door and yanked at it.

The moment it was cracked open, it was yanked shut again.

Britt was holding the door knob.

But Celia was stronger, she pulled the door harder than anything but this time it came right open.

Britt was sitting against the wall in the hall with her knees pulled up to her chest and was crying against them.

I looked down the hall can could see someone standing against the opposite wall clutching their cheek.

_"What the hell happened?"_ San was standing behind me in an oversized t-shirt and her hair still dripping down her back.

She looked pissed.

* * *

**Sandra's POV**

* * *

_"Just go ahead into the dining room, Brittany and Santana aren't here yet but I'm sure they're on their way."_

**_Where are you guys?-Sandra_**

**_Shit just got ugly, we will be there as soon as I get things under control.-Celia_**

**_Is everything okay?-Sandra_**

I got no reply.

Something wasn't right but if anyone could handle it, I was sure that Celia could otherwise she wouldn't have said it.

Everyone was here but them and I was hoping that it wasn't because of Ana.

The last thing that I needed today was her relapsing.

God please don't let that be the reason.

Leave it to my family to make something simple as dinner a production.

Luckily, I had been prepared for this and had a lot of finger food to snack on.

Especially with my house full of kids.

I was anxious.

And then my phone vibrated.

**_On the way to the hospital. Everything is fine. Quinn is headed up with the kids. See you soon!-Celia_**

**_What?!-Sandra_**

I got no response once again.

What the heck was going on?

* * *

**Celia's POV**

* * *

_"Why are you here?"_ I asked Dionne as she stood there with her hand over her cheek.

_"I just...I just wanted to make sure that she stays away from Grady."_

_"You need to go."_ Ana said as she tried to step past me but I held my hand out and pushed her behind me.

_"That's the great Santana? Her? Seriously? Way out of your league, Brittany."_ She said as she tried to pass me and go towards Britt.

I hadn't seen Britt curled up like this since the day that Ana's heart stopped.

She was really upset.

This was just not going to happen like this.

_"Ana go inside." _

_"No, Ceily...I'm so tired of her and Grady and they're bullshit!" _

_"Luce take her inside."_

Luce when to touch her but Ana pushed her.

_"Don't touch me, Q. I'm a big girl. This shit needs to stop."_

I couldn't let Ana get wrapped up in this so I stepped up to Dionne and blocked her from the people behind me.

_"Go."_ I softly.

I didn't see it coming, her fist collided with my jaw and I slammed into a wall.

That was all it took for Ana to lose it.

She flew past me and tackled Dionne.

And then Britt was pulling her off the girl.

After that more fists were thrown and before I knew it there was blood.

_"Mami!"_

The moment that my nephew came into the hallway crying and screaming.

Everyone froze.

Ana stood to her feet and from what I could see the only blood she had was on her hands.

There wasn't a scratch on her other than her busted knuckles.

The moment that my sister was no longer on top of her, Dionne ran out of there so fast.

Sandra was going to be really upset when she saw us.

But not even she would have backed down from this fight.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"She was walking away...why did I slap her? Now you're hurt."_

_"It's just a sprain, B. They said that in a week it will be fine."_ Ana said as she sat in the passenger seat.

_"And what about Ceily...she's got a black eye. Sandra is going to be so pissed."_ I said as I pulled onto the highway.

_"I'm okay, Brittany, don't worry. I'll handle Sandra. I'm just glad that you guys are okay...did you get a look at that bitch?"_ I cringed at the name.

Ana reached over and rested her bandaged hand on my leg and tried to rub circles but I could feel the ace bandage and I was getting more upset.

_"This is just so fucked up."_ I said as I tried to fight the tears in my eyes.

_"B...it's going to be okay. We have a house full of people waiting for us, including your parents. You can't let them see you like this."_

_"I know."_

I wiped angrily at my tears as Ana tried her best to calm me down.

It wasn't working.

_"Are you made that I hit her?"_ Ana said as she held her hand to her chest. She had refused painkillers and insisted that regular over the counter stuff was going to have to be good enough.

Even after all this, I was still proud of her and she had only done something that I had wanted to do so badly.

_"No. I'm happy about it."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Seeing you like that...was...k-kind of hot."_

_"I'm still not letting you fuck me, Britt."_ She smiled and then suddenly I felt a little better.

Celia laughed from the backseat and I blushed.

_"It was worth a shot."_ I said as I allowed myself to breathe.

Even with the fight, it was still a good Christmas.

I had a worry nudging me from the back of my head but I was just going to have ignore it today.

We would worry about Dionne later.

If stuff was going to get ugly at work and with Dionne and Grady, whether we stressed or not we might as well just enjoy ourselves.

By the time we pulled up to Sandra's, I pushed everything down and helped Ana out of the car.

She had a bit of worry in her eyes but she was trying to smile just as hard as I was.

We both knew that this wasn't over.

We just hoped that it wouldn't be a major setback.

Then again...with Ana's luck, Dionne will just disappear.

And with the look that she had in her eyes, the look of genuine fear.

I was pretty sure that she had met her match and didn't want to meet her again.

My instincts told me not to worry.

And so I wouldn't.

Nobody was going to get in the way of our Christmas.

We would get over this hurdle just like we had with every other one.

Together.

* * *

**_A/N: Spoiler Alert: That bitch got what was coming to her and guess what...Britt's instinct is right...;) No worries...no more cans of worms. We have to end this eventually right? Review my pretties!_ **


	31. Chapter 31:In Repair

_**A/N: So the multi-POV is coming but I just don't think now is that moment. Thanks for all the amazing praise...I enjoy every word! You guys are amazing!**_

* * *

**Chapter 31: In Repair (John Mayer)**

* * *

**_My instincts told me not to worry._**

**_And so I wouldn't._**

**_Nobody was going to get in the way of our Christmas._**

**_We would get over this hurdle just like we had with every other one._**

**_Together._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I did the right thing...right?

When dinner was over I asked Mami to take the kids for the next two nights since B's parents were going to be there it was perfect.

Now though as I sit here completely naked in the bed while she is knelt between my legs...I'm wondering if that was smart.

_"Are you okay?"_ I didn't realize that my eyes were clenched tightly until Britt started talking.

I looked down at her and then ran my hand over her cheek.

_"No...I need to stop this."_ I lifted a leg over her head and then slid down from the bed.

She stood up and then came towards me slowly...trying her best not to provoke me.

_"Ana...talk to me."_

I had my back to her as I tried to put on my pants one-handed.

_"Shit!"_

I slapped my hand against the dresser and felt my chest close. I felt prickles at the corners of my eyes as pain shot through me.

_"Where are you going?"_

She asked as she helped me into my sweatpants. I looked down at her and shook my head.

_"I just need...I'm not ready B...this shouldn't of happened. None of it. We were supposed to be taking it slow."_

She was angry now. She was on her feet and pacing while gripping her sides.

I couldn't get my bra on so I gave up and just pulled one of Britt's oversized shirts over my head.

When I finally poked my head through I noticed that she had stopped pacing and was actually just sitting there at the end of the bed staring at me.

_"Why are you doing this?"_

I leaned back against the dresser and avoided her eyes. I was currently checking out my manicure and how cracked it was from punching that bitch yesterday.

It had been the only luxury that I afforded myself. Manicures every two weeks. Something just for me and now just like that...money wasted.

Fucking bitch.

This was all Dionne's fault. If we had gone from sex to shower to dinner, I would be fine.

Unfortunately that's not how things worked out.

Now I was possibly facing assault charges. I didn't even want to be involved in any of the drama but I had no choice.

_"Answer me, Santana!"_

I jumped from my thoughts and looked at Britt. She looked surprised at her outburst.

_"I'm sorry."_

I squeaked out as I thought of the hundreds of time that Marco said those same words when I tried to disappear into my head.

I should have known better.

This wasn't Marco despite the similarities.

_"No...this is my fault. Dionne was looking for a fight with me. Grady was back in my life because I called him. I knew he got kicked out of the army so I called and told him about the show. I'm so stupid!"_

I was frozen in place.

Had this been me?

Had I acted this clueless when it came to Marco?

She was crying now as she clutched at her stomach.

And then it hit me.

She had told me...a due date around Christmas.

Today was Christmas.

* * *

That's why she was reaching out to him. That's why she tried to befriend him but knowing him he didn't even remember.

She was so broken.

I walked over to her and pulled up her face.

_"No more blaming yourself. Do you hear me?"_

Britt nodded but then leaned her head against my chest and continued to sob her heart out.

_"I-I just don't want to be alone. I just want you home."_ she whispered.

_"I want to be home...I-I'm just scared. What if I fall again for the millionth time?"_

_"I know...I can't rush you. I get it."_

And just like that her tears were gone and she was sitting up straight and looked at me with a small smile.

_"You do?"_

_"I get it. Mom cornered me after dinner and told me that if I rush you...it could lead you right back to addictions."_

_"I'm almost ready...and I promised to tell you when. Just...I need you to not make it so easy to come home. I need to work for it...I need to feel like drugs or family. It's what keeps me in line."_

_"In line?"_

_"I obsess over it. Making sure that I stay clean because otherwise you keep the kids from me. Otherwise you keep your love from me."_

_"You have my love always...but I do understand."_

_"So no more sex."_ I said as I ran my fingertips over her arms.

_"Can we cuddle? I really...need it today."_

She didn't want to bring it up. She probably didn't think that I even remembered.

But I did.

* * *

Britt headed to the bathroom and so I used the opportunity to make a phone call.

_"Hey. It's me."_

_"Well hello there. Merry Christmas."_

_"Yea...you too. Listen, I'm in town...can we meet up?"_

_"Of course...you know I always have time for you."_

_"I know, thanks for that. You being there when I need you is one of the only things that I can count on these days."_

_"So am I coming to you?"_

_"No...no...I don't want to be interrupted, you know that. I'm going to work with Britt in the morning...but I might be able to slip out while she is rehearsing...we could meet up at the park, mid morning?"_

_"Okay, sounds good...I'll see you there around 10."_

_"Thanks."_

_"See you then."_

I had been leaning against the wall, staring out over the city as I ended my call.

If I know anything...I know, Britt has the best timing in the world.

So the fact that she was sitting there in the center of the bed, watching me, didn't surprise me.

I could see her reflection and even though it had been an innocent call, I knew that she was going to want an explanation.

But when I turned around, she wasn't looking at me at all.

Instead, she was laying on her back staring at the ceiling.

When I climbed into the bed, she closed her eyes and rolled over with her back towards me.

She wasn't going to ask.

So did I still need to reassure her?

I was so lost.

And for a brief moment I was missing my dusty old mattress in my cold room back in Lima.

* * *

I had laid there for a long time just staring at her back trying to decide if I should still hold her.

She had obviously made her own assumptions about what I had done and wasn't talking to me about it.

So I didn't know if I still had the right to assume she wanted me to touch her.

Britt ended up taking that decision away from me and backed up until she was flush against my body.

She reached for my arm and pulled it around her.

I was surprised when she took my hand and rested it against her stomach.

After a few moments I realized that she was shaking and I could hear her sniffling.

_"B?"_ I whispered against her neck and she just pulled my arm tighter.

_"I don't want to know."_ She whispered.

_"Please...let me tell you."_ I said as I brushed her hair from her face with my bandaged hand.

_"No...it's Christmas...just...I can't deal with that right now."_

_"It was Abuelo."_ I blurted out. _"I swear to you."_

She stayed still and silent for a moment.

In that moment...in that eternity...I prayed that she would believe me.

Because it was the truth and no matter how it sounded, I really was done with drugs.

I meant it.

Wholly and completely.

Finally she turned around and looked at me.

_"You scared me."_ She said as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a bone crushing hug.

_"I'm sorry."_ I alternated between rubbing her back with my good hand and rubbing the back of her neck with my sore hand.

_"No...it's okay...I...you haven't given me a reason to doubt you in the past few months."_

_"Still...you should never let your guard down. I'm not saying that you should never trust me...but still...don't be afraid to question me. If you are suspicious about something just ask. I'll be honest. Call me out on stuff...I expect you to. I love the Brittany that calls me out on my crap. Okay? Don't change that...okay?"_

_"Yea...okay."_

_"I'm going to meet him tomorrow morning around 10, is that okay with you?"_

_"Um...yea...but...we are still having lunch right?"_

_"Wouldn't miss it."_

_"Okay."_

_"Lets get some sleep okay."_

And just like that we went from being tense, to her falling asleep in my arms.

I knew that I could be like this forever.

I just had to make that happen.

The right way.

* * *

I was awakened at four in the morning by my phone buzzing across the room.

It took skill to pry myself from Britt's arms but I managed to do it without waking her.

At least I think so.

I made it to my phone in just enough time to pick it up.

_"Hello?"_ I whispered.

_"Santana! Oh thank God! Where have you been? I've been calling you all day long?"_

I looked at the caller id and realized that it was my boss.

I looked over at Britt and saw that she was holding my body pillow tightly.

_"Hold on a sec."_

I left the bedroom, not wanting to wake up Britt since she had to be up in like an hour.

After closing the door and then heading in the kitchen to make hot chocolate, I finally brought the phone back to my ear.

_"Hey...how are you? What's up?"_

_"Are you in the city?"_

_"Yes...is everything okay?"_

_"No...old man sold this place and is giving us until the new year to move out."_

_"What?! What about the bar?"_

_"Closed as of tonight."_

_"Shit...this isn't good...what am I supposed to do?"_

_"Honey...your life here is nothing but those NA meetings, church and working. I think you take this as a sign that you need to keep your ass right where you are."_

_"But...shit. That means I have like six days."_

_"Yup. So I would get it done soon, because he plans to bulldoze this place on New Years Day. Something about a parking lot for the supermarket across the street."_

_"Wow. Thanks for the heads up, Tosha. I guess I'll see you soon."_

What the fuck was I supposed to do now?

* * *

Having broken my hand twice before now, definitely provided me with the benefit of knowing how to do things right handed.

I cracked two eggs into the frying pan and then began to season and scramble them as the coffee maker was going.

I was hoping that I could keep Britt in a good mood.

She was a natural morning person and so telling her my news would be easy.

I just didn't know what her reaction would be.

Asking me to come home and then realizing that I have no choice but to come home are two different things.

As I served us both eggs and toast, Britt came into the kitchen freshly showered and in her dance gear.

_"Hey." _She said quietly before grabbing the plates and taking them to the table.

_"Thanks."_ I said as I dropped mini marshmallows in her mug.

She smiled when I put the mug in front of her and then sat down.

_"How's your hand?"_ She asked as she buttered her toast.

_"It's okay...a little sore but I have dealt with worse."_

_"Mmm."_ She said before closing her eyes and then reaching her hand over to me.

This was a first.

Even though she had been Catholic for a year now, I still was shocked when I saw her stop to pray over her food.

It moved something in me.

Is it creepy that I find people of faith hot?

I felt a smile creep across my face as she prayed out loud and then crossed herself before letting go of my hand.

_"That was great, B."_ I whispered as I moved to pick up my fork with my left hand before remembering my sore knuckles.

_"Thanks...so...you told me to ask. So I'm going to ask."_

I could feel confusion crossing over me as I looked at her sideways.

What had I told her?

_"Okay?"_ I said quietly...still not sure of what was coming.

_"Who called this morning?"_

_"Right."_ I told her to ask if she was suspicious. Of course! _"That was my boss...well...ex boss-" _

She looked at me in shock and cut me off.

_"Did you get fired? Why?" _

_"Technically...it was more like...I was let go."_

_"I don't understand."_

_"They are closing down the hotel and the restaurant...so I have a week...to get my stuff because after that...the building is going to be knocked down."_

_"Wow."_

Her eyes were big but then a smirk moved over her face.

_"What's the smirk for?"_ I asked as I stabbed at a piece of egg.

_"Does that mean that you're coming home?"_

_"I guess it does."_

_"Are you going to move back in here with us?"_ She looked really excited.

_"Um...I didn't want to assume anything...I could always go stay with Damariz or mom."_

_"No...I want you here...so do the kids."_

_"Can I think about it?"_

Her face fell a bit but she nodded and then went about shoving food into her mouth.

The conversation ended and now I had a lot to think about.

I couldn't wait to talk to Abuelo.

I was just so conflicted

* * *

I climbed out of the car and out onto Broadway.

The show was supposed to open in two weeks, so they had officially made the move to their permanent theater.

Britt told me that they had only been there a few days and that all the offices, including the ones of her bosses were all on the same floor now.

Ari and Tucker had real dressing rooms and the rehearsals were held in actual studios.

It was definitely an improvement because Britt didn't really see Grady until it was time to rehearse as a group.

Which they hadn't done completely until today.

_"So...I'm going to go up to my office you can find a seat in the theater...okay?"_

Britt said as she led us through a back door.

_"Um okay."_ I was about to ask how to get to the theater but there was a sign on the wall.

_"Oh and Ana?"_ I looked over at her as I clutched my phone in my hand.

_"Yea?"_

_"I trust you." _

_"Thanks, B...that means a lot." _

As I made my way to the back of the dark theater, I felt a sense of peace cover me.

This was an amazing place to be.

Never could I imagine being allowed to be alone in a Broadway theater.

I tucked into a seat in one of the last rows and then turned my phone on vibrate.

I had an alarm set so that I could sneak out at a good time but really, I knew that Abuelo would understand if I was late.

* * *

I was shuffling through my pictures from Christmas when the stage lights came up.

Tony and Britt came on to the stage, followed by the leads and understudies...which meant Grady.

The music came on and Britt stepped off to the side with Tony as they watched and critiqued certain things before starting the music.

An old Frank Sinatra song came on and then Britt and Tony took to the stage and began to show how the number should be worked.

I had been focused on Britt for most of it but for some reason, my eyes kept drawing back to Grady who was watching her closely.

Every time she did a difficult move, he would flinch.

He seemed worried about her.

Like genuinely worried.

Did he actually...love her?

My heart started pounding as I felt a million emotions rush through me.

I sat there fixated on him as the leads took to the stage.

Grady moved over near Britt but didn't say anything to her.

He focused on her the entire number and when his time came to dance with the other understudy, he moved gracefully.

Even then, when he could, he was watching Britt.

It would have been creepy, but he didn't look stalkerish, he just looked concerned.

Which made me start to question whether I should be more worried about her.

Was she keeping something from me?

* * *

I had been going over the last few days, remembering how wounded she seemed.

Remembering how shattered she was out in the hallway after talking to Dionne.

There was something missing...Grady knew something that I didn't.

My phone buzzed, I knew it was my alarm and that I should get going but all I wanted to do was talk to Britt.

Then her words came floating back to me.

_"I trust you."_

It was more than her expressing her trust for me...she was asking me to trust her.

She knew that Grady would be this way.

And more than that, she knew how I would react to it.

So she was asking me to trust her like she trusts me.

I felt some of the emotions settle and I promised myself as I quietly left the theater that I would definitely address them when we had lunch.

I couldn't go on, feeling like Grady had an advantage on me.

Britt was my best friend, the love of my life.

No one was supposed to know her better than I did.

Just the thought that someone did, made me feel even more sure of just where I wanted to spend my life.

It reminded me that if I had my way, no one would ever have that chance again.

I loved Britt with all of my heart and I knew that she loved me just as much...maybe even more.

* * *

When I got to the park, Abuelo was already there with a small box in his hand.

He kept twirling it and smiling to himself.

_"Hey, Abuelo."_ I said as I kicked at little pieces of rock salt along the path.

_"Hey yourself."_ He said as he stood and opened his arms to me.

The moment that his arms surrounded me, I realized just how unsteady I had felt on my cab ride over here.

I took in the feeling of being loved and allowed the uneasy feelings to leave me.

Once we got our greeting out of the way I pointed down towards the river.

He nodded and we made our way down near the water.

It was freezing outside but we were from Ohio, this was nothing.

The cold of the snow soaked through my canvas sneakers, freezing my feet but I just kept walking.

My mind was just too full to worry about the cold.

_"So...still not taking the best care of yourself, I see." _

_"What do you mean?"_

_"The sneakers...the tiny jean jacket...and the lack of gloves or scarf."_

_"I know...I'm...I never really wear that stuff unless I go to church but even that is like a block from my place so, I never really need it."_

_"Do I need to talk to Gladys or Brittany?"_

_"No. That's not necessary."_

_"So tell me what was so urgent."_

I held up my bandaged hand and showed it to him.

_"What happened?"_

_"I beat up some girl yesterday...but it was justified."_

_"Are you telling me that to not worry me or is that a fact?"_

_"Mami agreed. When I told her the story and Celia backed me up, she told me that she would handle anything that came our way."_

_"That doesn't seem urgent then." _

_"I told you about Britt...about the abortion."_

He nodded and then stuck his hands in his pockets.

There was a sadness in his eyes.

_"Breaks my heart to even think about what she must have gone through." _

_"That's just it, Abuelo. She...she's still going through it. Yesterday...it was her due date and I didn't remember until just before we went to bed. She hasn't mentioned it but I know that it's been bothering her. She even has Grady worried about her."_

_"How does that make you feel?"_

_"Grady?"_

_"All of it, mija. How does the abortion make you feel?"_

_"I...um...I."_ I hesitated and then stared down at the snow that lined the wall in front of us.

_"This stays between us, Santana."_

_"It makes me so angry. I would have been there. I would have taken care of her and the kid. It just...it makes me so mad at him for pushing her but I'm mad at her too because she knows me. She knows my mom. Even if I couldn't, Mami would have taken her in. You know that."_

_"Is that it...so you're just mad?"_

_"I'm sad too. I feel like I lost a baby. I feel like I did when I lost my baby. I feel broken."_

_"What's new for you about feeling broken?"_

_"Brittany."_

_"How so?"_

_"Since I can remember...she has always been whole, even when she was coming unhinged...she was still a whole person and being with her, made me feel whole too. Now though...it's like two broken people trying to fix each other. Trying to be whole for the other...and it hasn't worked. I guess that's what scares me about being with her again."_

_"Are you?"_

_"Together? No...not that she hasn't been pushing in that direction."_

_"And sex...have you gone there?"_

_"Yea...yesterday...and I regret it."_

He stopped in his tracks and looked over at me with disapproval.

_"Regret? Why?"_

_"Because...I just feel so unworthy of her love, Abuelo. I feel like she deserves someone like Grady who notices every little thing about her."_

_"That's bullshit."_

* * *

I was shocked as I looked at Abuelo. Even though his face had already been pink because of the cold wind blowing across his cheeks, now his face was colored in anger.

_"But..."_ I didn't know how to respond.

_"Let me tell you something about that kind of man. The kind of man who notices ever little thing a woman does, a man who is so focused on the moves of his woman that he ignores the glaring issues in his own life. That kind of man is the kind that has terrorized you your whole life. Aden Lopez and Marco Vega. Your father and ex husband both noticed everything that you did...Marco even had cameras planted in your treehouse, in your room and even went so far as to put one in your car."_

I felt my heart drop.

That was it...that's how he always knew.

_"How...um...h-"_ I couldn't even get a clear thought across as I looked up at him in shock.

_"Your mother told me. She knew that I was good with electronics and asked me take them down but then your father...he threatened me and your grandmother told me to mind my business. It was wrong but I couldn't fight your father over it."_

_"Why didn't you tell me?" _

_"And what, risk you confronting your father or Marco? Do you know what they would have done to you...to me if I had told you?"_

_"You're right."_

_"Do you love Brittany?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do you want to get your life back?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then I suggest that you do before someone else does because she is about to become really busy, once that show opens and they see the work she can do as a choreographer, people will know her. Women and men will be after her...she is the type of woman who needs to be loved and appreciated. She needs to be romanced and even though I know that opening up is hard for you, I know that you understand that...the need to be loved and not be alone in the world."_

_"Okay."_

_"And...since you will be in search of a job...I need a new server."_

_"Like...inside the bar?"_

_"No...not the bar...during the daytime. When it's just a restaurant."_

_"Like a waitress?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Okay...I can do that."_

_"Good."_

_"I knew that she would call you."_

_"Well...I got you the job and she had been updating me on things with you every once in a while." _

_"I figured as much."_

_"So...you've been clean now for almost four months...how's it feel?"_

_"Good...like actually...really good. I still get the cravings but even then, I just push through them. I go to my meetings once a week and I even have a sponsor. A real one. I mean...Rachel tried but drugs and alcohol are a little different. My sponsor is a great guy and hopefully with me moving back here...I will still get to keep him."_

_"I'm really proud of you."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Definitely...so much that I got you a little something."_

_"You didn't have to."_

_"But I wanted to...so don't argue with me."_

_"Okay...what is it."_

He pulled the box from his pocket and handed it to me.

_"Your Abuela gave this to me on our wedding day...she asked me to hold it for her because she didn't trust your father or Marco to see it. She knew that you meant a lot to me, I guess. When I left her...I forgot all about it but then when I was cleaning out my garage...I found it in a box of stuff. I thought that you should have it."_

When I opened the box, I saw Abuela's old gold locket that she had cherished for as long as I could remember. She would often open it and show me that she loved me so much that she carried me with her always.

Around the time that she married Abuelo, she had been on the outs with my mom and me because of the driving drunk thing, and after that I never saw the locket again.

So when I saw it now, I felt so much love and pain hit me all at once.

_"Wow."_ I said as I handed him the box before opening the locket.

The picture inside was me and Ari on the day of our communion arms linked and smiling big cheesy grins.

The other side was Abuela holding me the day that I was born.

_"Thank you so much for this."_ I whispered.

_"You can do whatever you want with it. I just thought I shouldn't hold onto it any longer."_

I wrapped my arms around him and inhaled his spicy scent.

_"Thank you so much Abuelo...for everything."_

_"Anytime, Nieta. I love you so much."_

_"I love you too, Abuelo."_

_"Stop putting off time with Brittany...because of this or that. It's what I regret with your grandmother...I loved her so much and I let things get in between us. I could have changed her mind about you but she was distracted by her grudges. Don't be that way. If you have the chance to forgive people, then do it. If you have the chance at love...true love...don't let anything stop you...not your family or friends and...especially not your fear. Entiendes?"_

_"Si, Abuelo...I understand."_

* * *

I waved to Abuelo as he drove away from the theater.

He insisted on bringing me back and threatened that if I didn't wear better clothes, that he would tell my mom.

Of course I knew that he wouldn't...but I got the point of his concerns.

And as usual I would heed them.

I could finally feel the chill of the air against my now damp feet and was regretting my poor choice in footwear.

Especially since I had my full closet available to me.

Even though I was no longer limited to my one pair of sneakers...I had just neglected to care.

That had to stop.

I had to start caring about myself and my health.

I could tell that Abuelo had things on his mind that he didn't want to talk about.

And this seemed to really bug him so I would make sure that I didn't ignore him.

His instincts and opinions meant a lot to me and his advice was something that really meant something to me.

* * *

When I walked into the theater and saw Britt sitting on the edge of the stage with Grady's arm around her, I didn't feel jealous.

Instead, I looked at her face and how red it was.

She had been crying and the fact that it was just them meant that she broke down after rehearsal.

I looked at my phone and saw that it was almost lunch time so she must be waiting for me.

Grady was just sitting with her.

_"Hey...what happened?"_

Grady looked up at me and quickly dropped his arm from around Britt and moved over a bit.

Britt looked up at me and then at Grady before looking down at her lap.

_"I-I just...I miss the baby...so much."_ She whispered.

Grady looked ashamed as he went to get up.

_"Thanks for sitting with her Grady. I really appreciate it...and I'm sorry about what happened yesterday with Dionne."_

He looked shocked as he jumped down from the stage.

_"Uh...your welcome?"_

Britt even looked at me sideways.

I wasn't lashing out or smashing Grady's skull in for touching her.

_"You still want to go for lunch, B?"_

She nodded and then jumped down from the stage.

She landed gracefully and reached hand out to Grady as he began to walk away.

_"Hey Grady?"_

_"Yea?"_ He said as he cautiously kept an eye on me.

Britt gripped his hand tightly and looked him in the eyes with a half smile.

_"Thank you for apologizing to me. I know you can't take it back but it means a lot that you regret it. That you care."_

He nodded and then let her hand go.

_"I am happy that you have love, that you have those kids...God gave you back what I took from you. Cherish them...every second and I know that you will start to heal."_

I stood there watching as he leaned in and kissed her forehead before smiling tightly at me and walking away.

I wasn't angry.

I was jealous...but not of his actions but of what he gave her.

* * *

The thing that I regretted about Marco and even about Ian was the lack of closure.

But Grady had done that for B, he filled in that void, the one that made her hate herself.

He had helped her forgive herself through forgiving him.

And I could never hate him for that.

He owed Britt so much for what she had lost and through his apology he had started her on her way to being whole again.

I would never get that from Marco.

But I couldn't be bitter about it.

Instead I had to embrace my heart.

My Brittany.

Because she kept me grounded.

She made up for the void that Marco and Ian left.

Britt filled in all my dark places with her light and I had taken that for granted for way too long.

She saw my hurt and my pain and loved me regardless.

I had done the unspeakable and she still looked at me with wonder in her eyes.

Even now, in this moment of emotional upheaval.

She looked at me with so much love and I wouldn't deny that any longer.

I would absorb it and allow it to ground us.

* * *

Britt was blushing as she looked at me.

_"Don't be mad."_

_"Never."_

I don't know what came over me but in that moment, everything that I was feeling was too big for words.

So I did what I do best, I pulled her against me and kissed her lips.

She fell into the kiss and I wrapped my arms around her waist and slowly swayed us from side to side.

It had been forever since we moved together like this.

But right in that moment it felt so right.

We were both on our way to being fixed.

Being whole.

For her it was a return.

And for me it was a first.

Either way, it was the direction we were headed in.

I didn't want her to know me any other way but as the woman who loved her.

That's who I wanted to be for her.

It's what she deserved.

And it was what I deserved.

To love and to be loved.

* * *

**_A/N: Missed you guys! I'm wrapping it up. Thanks for the adds and faves and reviews. You guys have gotten me through this slump. The show is on its way back and I am going to hit that deadline :)_**

**_Chapter 32 and a one shot should be hitting you before the week ends. _**


	32. Chapter 32:Out On A Limb

**_A/N: We are in the home stretch! I'm so excited! This is one of my all time favorite songs and I'm so excited to be able to use it! Enjoy  
_**

* * *

**Chapter 32: Out On A Limb (Teena Marie)**

* * *

_**We were both on our way to being fixed.**_

_**Being whole.**_

_**For her it was a return.**_

_**And for me it was a first.**_

_**Either way, it was the direction we were headed in.**_

_**I didn't want her to know me any other way but as the woman who loved her.**_

_**That's who I wanted to be for her.**_

_**It's what she deserved.**_

_**And it was what I deserved.**_

_**To love and to be loved.**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Something had changed.

I could see it.

From the moment the night before where I had broken down, she had been different.

But now...after meeting with her Abuelo, I could see more clearly that she had changed.

The way she stood, the way she smiled, and the way that she had kissed me...had even changed.

It felt like she was a whole new person.

A different person with the same face and name.

And I liked it.

A lot.

When we got to the restaurant for lunch, she pulled out my chair for me.

She helped me order something amazing...just like she used to do.

And when the waiter got my order wrong, she was patient and even offered me her food.

This was a new Santana.

How was it possible for her to make that big of a change in just 24 hours?

What had changed?

* * *

She had gone off to the bathroom and I was sitting there looking at a dessert menu after an amazing lunch.

But my mind was focused on my day.

I was focused on how much pain I was in as I danced.

I thought about how Grady had noticed and made me sit down finally.

I was thinking about Ana's response to him touching me.

It wasn't her usual reaction.

She was understanding of it all.

Even grateful to him.

It scared me a bit.

But I had told her earlier that I trusted her and I had meant it.

Was she extending the same thing back to me?

Was it that?

Was that the thing that had changed between us?

But no...she made me breakfast and had been sweet before I had said that.

She held me all night long.

Was this some kind of Christmas miracle?

Is that kind of thing even possible?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Everything just felt so good.

Being honest and open was so freeing.

Why hadn't I done this sooner?

Things that used to bother me weren't even phasing me any longer.

What am I seeing differently?

I was at the bathroom sink fixing my hair in the mirror when I heard a sound that chilled me to the bone.

I knew that sound.

I dreaded that sound.

Someone was snorting something just behind me in one of the stalls.

My mouth watered and my hands trembled as I stood there rooted to the spot, listening.

It was like something was keeping time frozen.

It felt like a test of some sort.

Even though it wasn't my nose that was being pressed to the edge of a toilet seat.

It felt like it.

How many times had I ended up like that?

How many times was I tempted back at the jazz club when I saw those guys in the back who were selling drugs?

Dozens, maybe more?

Things were different for me now but that didn't mean that it didn't still affect me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as the sound stopped.

When I looked back up into the mirror I saw that there were actually tears streaking down my face.

I heard the toilet flush and suddenly time wasn't frozen anymore.

Suddenly I was back in the restaurant and pushing myself to move past those cravings.

And I was rushing away from the person before I asked them anything.

Before I was tempted to see if they had more stuff.

Because I didn't want to end up like that anymore.

I had more important things to focus on.

I had Britt waiting for me at the table and who knew how long I had been gone.

Things were changing for the better and I didn't want to fuck that up.

* * *

I slid back into my seat and looked up at her with a smile on my face.

_"Your face is all red...were you just crying?" _

She looked at me in concern.

That's not what I wanted.

Shit._  
_

I shook my head and smiled at her.

How could she have seen that?

I thought that I hadn't been crying very much but then again this is Britt and so I shouldn't be surprised that she noticed my change of mood or the slight swelling of my eyes.

_"I'm going to pay the bill and we can go." _I said as smoothly as I could._  
_

_"I already paid...we can leave now if you're ready. I'm done for the day so we can head home if you want?"_

She looked nervous all of a sudden.

Was that because of me?

Britt went to stand but I reached out for her hand before she could.

_"B...I...um."_

I pressed my lips together and tried to breathe slower but it seemed like that just made things worse.

My head began to pound and my palms were itching.

I didn't want to rub them together but I couldn't help it.

This is what I was afraid of, the cravings.

Serious, noticeable cravings.

_"We can talk in the car."  
_

She looked at me with squinted eyes and stood up again and reached out for me._  
_

Britt was suddenly in her work mode.

She grabbed my hand and held it tightly as she walked me out of the restaurant.

I leaned against her shoulder as my body began to betray me.

This was not what I needed.

I fucking hate this addiction.

I hate needing something so bad that my body goes haywire.

I hadn't had a case of jitters like this in months and now there were tears to accompany them.

Why can't life just be perfect?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I hate seeing her so torn apart.

The moment she came back to the table, I could tell that her mood had been shattered.

I also knew that it was about drugs.

There is only one thing that gets her that upset and spacy.

Cocaine.

But she wasn't high, I was sure of that.

So what the heck was wrong with her?

She looked desperate and I hated to see her that way the most.

And I knew that she didn't want me to see her like that.

I had no choice but to take charge before a whole restaurant saw her that way.

The way she was looking at me as she sat down across from me had told me how much she needed to get out of there.

Thankfully I had paid the bill already.

I was on a mission to save every penny that she had, including a simple lunch like this one.

She needed to feel independent but I wasn't going to let her go broke doing it.

Because I wasn't the one that was cut off.

She was falling apart before my eyes and so I did what I had to do.

It took me just a few seconds to get her out onto the side walk and once we were there, the hiccups started.

She placed a shaky hand to her chest but her hiccups just got louder.

* * *

She was trying so hard to breathe but she was crying even faster and it was choking her.

I pulled open the car door and helped her inside before I buckled her in.

She looked away from me as she cupped her shaking hands over her face.

She was starting hyperventilating.

I dug through the glove box and found a paper bag.

Well really it was puppet that Izzy had made but it would have to do.

_"Here...breathe into this...nice and slow."_

Ana nodded and then covered her nose and mouth with the bag.

I closed her door and made my way around to the driver side.

Hoping that those few seconds wouldn't make her any worse.

When I got back in she was still trying to breathe as slowly as possible.

She was still shaking and from what I could see she was crying too.

After a few really long minutes of waiting she took the bag from her face and put it back in the glove box.

She smoothed down her clothes and then brushed her fingers through her hair all without looking at me.

* * *

_"Can we go see the kids?" _She said with a raspy voice.

_"Not until you tell me what happened." _

I sat back in my seat and waited for her to meet my eyes.

She sat there staring blankly out the window while biting at her nails.

From what I could see, this had become a habit of hers.

A bad habit.

I put a hand on her arm and she jumped which scared me and made me jump.

She finally turned to look at me with bloodshot eyes.

She licked at her lips before finally taking a really deep breath.

_"Someone was doing drugs...s-snorting in the bathroom and it was the first time that I had this kind of craving. I f-feel so fucking weak and I hate myself for it! I just want to see my babies...so please...can you take me to them? Please B?"_

Her tears were coming down harder now and so I just nodded and turned the car on.

_"I'm so sorry that happened to you, babe. I know how it feels to be at that dark place in your head, it's like you're feeling so low and hateful of yourself."_

_"It's just...It fucking sucks!"_

_"I know, baby."_

_"Why can't I just be stronger? I hate feeling like this. I hate not being in control of what I feel."_

_"It's going to be okay...one step at a time. Remember?"_

_"Easier said than done, Britt."_

_"Well then, how about after we see the kids...maybe I can go to a meeting with you?"_

_"Do you mean that?" _She sniffled.

_"Yes. I mean I have been going to the Nar-Anon meetings for a few months now...so it should be much different."_

_"You have?"_

_"Yes...me and Gladys. Quinn and Rachel came a few times too."_

She sat there for a moment staring back out the window but instead of biting at her fingers, her hand made it's way to my thigh and just rested there.

It was all that she needed to do for me to understand just how grateful she was in that moment.

She calmed down a little bit after that, thankfully.

Because Izzy hates to see her cry.

And so do I.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My head was just overloaded with so many things.

Britt had cared all this time.

Each time she had picked up the kids and barely spoke to me, making me think she despised me, she had been going to meetings.

Not just any meetings, meeting for families and friends of addicts like me.

Then there was the chick in the bathroom and last there was the fact that I couldn't get my body to cooperate with me.

Even in death, Marco had left a mark on me.

He was haunting me with this shit he got me hooked on.

And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I just had to keep my focus.

Things had been out of my control for too long in my life.

But things had to change.

I wasn't a kid anymore...frankly I don't think I ever was.

But now...as I travel to see my own children,

I realize that I have to make sure that they get that childhood and I knew that it started and ended with me.

What could I do to give them what I hadn't had?

I had no clue.

All I was certain of was that I would be something amazing for them.

Someone they could be proud of.

I wanted to be worthy of them.

And I wouldn't give up.

And I definitely wouldn't give in.

* * *

We pulled into the driveway and then I sat there staring at the garage door trying to compose myself.

I didn't want anyone to know how upset I had gotten.

I wanted them to see me as strong and vibrant.

Not weak and desolate.

Britt opened my door and reached over and unbuckled my seat belt.

I turned and looked at her and she wrapped her arms around me.

_"Everything is going to start to get better. I know the thought of that scares you. Just trust me...I can handle this...I can carry us. If you come home...I will be with you every single step of the way and we can still do things at your pace."_

_"Really, B? You would do that for me?"_

_"I'd do anything."_

_"I feel the same way, B. I would do anything for you and for the kids."_

_"I'm glad to hear it." _

Britt touched my face and I felt a calm come over me.

My shaking lessened as I leaned into her more and then she kissed my forehead.

Needless to say, I was better after that.

It's something kind of amazing to figure out that you are still in love with someone after being with them for a few years.

After going through all the stuff that we have been through.

I loved Britt and I wasn't going to stand in the way of that any longer.

That hadn't changed.

* * *

_"Mami! Mama!"_ Isaac screamed as we walked into the kitchen.

The kids were in the middle of lunch with Pa and Mami.

_"I didn't know you two were coming...the kids aren't even packed, Santana."_

Mami looked at me with a stern face.

_"She just needed to see them...would you actually mind watching them just one more night?"_

I looked over at Britt, surprised that she wanted to spend another night with just me.

She winked at me and then looked over at Mami and waited for an answer._  
_

_"Of course, I wanted to get the girls together tomorrow and was hoping that you two would be here for that. So you can take the kids after that?"  
_

Britt nodded and then kissed my forehead and whispered against my neck as she held me._  
_

_"I need to go do some things...I'll be back to get you soon...okay?"  
_

I pulled back and then looked up into her eyes._  
_

_"What about the meeting?"  
_

_"We can go straight from here...I'll let you know when I'm on my way...is that okay?"  
_

_"Yea." _I was a little thrown off by her wanting to suddenly leave but she looked determined to go, so I wasn't going to stop her._ "It's fine. I haven't spent enough time with Mami and Pa, anyway."  
_

_"Don't forget my parents."  
_

_"Yea...them too. Just come back to me...okay?"  
_

She smiled that silly grin and then leaned in and kissed me right on the lips in front of Mami and Pa.

We apparently weren't going to keep our new bond from anyone.

And I was strangely okay with that...but I still wasn't sure about going back to that apartment.

What if I wasn't ready?

What if this wasn't the right time?

I was so fucking confused.

Why couldn't this be easier?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I didn't want to leave her there like that but I had to. _  
_

Things were so heavy for me at the moment and I needed to be sure that I could do this.

I needed to make sure that I understood where Ana's head was before I gave her my heart back.

She had so many things to decided and so many things to figure out and I didn't want to make that worse.

If we were getting back together, it had to be for the last time.

This had to be it for us.

We had been through way too much to take this as a game.

That's what she had been trying to tell me and now that I got it.

I wanted her to see just how serious I was.

And there was only one way that I could think of to show her just how serious I was about being with her again.

She needed a sense of stability.

So I needed to be whole for her.

If I could show her that I was a solid foundation, that I could be her safe place again, then she wouldn't hesitate to come home.

* * *

_"I wasn't expecting to see you this week, what brings you in, Brittany?"_

_"A whole lot has happened since I last saw you and I just needed to maybe talk about it?"_

_"Okay...where do you want to start?"_

_"With Dionne."_

_"Ahh...that's a name that you haven't brought up in a while, did something happen?"_

_"Yes...she showed up on Christmas."_

I closed and opened my hand as I looked down at it.

I had a bruise on the inside of my finger from where my finger had made contact with her lip ring.

_"Do you want to tell me what happened?"_

_"I answered the door and there she was standing in the hallway...so I stepped out and shut the door. The kids were just in the living room and I didn't want her anywhere near them."_

_"What happened once you were in the hallway?"_

_"She told me that I was looking skinny and then told me that it's a shame that I didn't get to see how it felt to be pregnant...she brought up that it was my due date. I asked her to leave and that's when she told me that she was pregnant with Grady's baby and that he wanted her baby...I freaked out and slapped her as hard as I could. After that I backed away because I know what I am capable of once I am angry enough to put my hands on another person."_

_"That was a horrible thing for her to say. Did she leave after that?"_

_"No...she stood there while I sat on the floor and cried. She kept saying that I was nothing but a whore, that God was punishing me for the abortion by taking away my ability to get pregnant. She...it was just horrible. Then just as I was about to get up and go back inside, Ana's sister Celia came out into the hall and tried to make her go. She wouldn't. Then Dionne punched Celia and before I knew what was happening, Ana had tackled Dionne to the ground and was punching her face over and over again. I tried to pull Ana off of her because she didn't know that Dionne was pregnant and even though it was Dionne, I wouldn't wish losing a child on her. That's cruel...so Ana just kept hitting her until Izzy walked into the hallway and screamed at her."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yea...I know...it was a bad thing for him to see."_

_"But Santana stopped?"_

_"Right away. Dionne left as soon as Ana got up and then we went to the hospital. Ana sprained her hand and split open her knuckles and every time she asked me what was wrong, I kind of avoided it. If she knew what Dionne said to me...she would kill her."_

_"And what about Grady...have you seen him since this incident?"_

_"I saw him this morning. He knows all about it. Dionne ran straight to him and told him that she was going to sue him. That she was hoping that the money would set them up for life. He convinced her not to...he said that he would leave her if she did that. So she changed her mind, thankfully."_

_"Still...Santana really should see someone about the point that she reached."_

_"I agree...and she will. I am going to a meeting with her tonight. She hasn't been in two days and I know that when she is back at her apartment she goes everyday. I think that it was just a crazy situation."_

_"I agree. So tell me about Grady...did you tell him what she said to you?"_

_"I didn't want to at first...but then I did and he apologized to me. He actually told me that he was sorry for pressuring me. That he wished that he had been more of a man about things and not let Dionne convince him that I was going to keep him from his baby. Then something amazing happened."_

I looked at my therapist and she smiled at me.

_"Do you want to tell me what happened?"_

_"Ana...she thanked him for taking care of me...because just before she came I had been pushing myself really hard while dancing and I was getting these bad pains in my back and Grady took care of me. Ana actually thanked him for things and even apologized about being so rough with him and for hurting Dionne."_

_"Wow...that doesn't sound like the description that you gave me before."_

_"I know...she's really changing. I see it now. I think that I am really starting to trust her. For the first time, I can see a future with her. Before it was fuzzy and I could kind of imagine it but now, it's all really clear."_

_"Do you think there will come a point when you take her back?"_

_"I want to...and now she has to move out of her place before the end of the week because they sold the building. She is moving back to the city...and I asked her to come home but she is nervous about it. She said that she would think about it."_

_"And if she doesn't move back with you and the kids, you understand that it is about her establishing her independence right?"_

_"I get that she still has a long way to go. I wouldn't rush her...I just want her home."_

_"Answer something for me, Brittany."_

_"Okay?"_

_"In the last few days, since she has been here...have you been intimate?"_

_"Like sex?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Christmas morning...just before the fight."_

_"How was she afterwards?"_

_"Distant."_

_"Did she tell you why?"_

_"She said that she wasn't ready...she doesn't trust herself yet."_

_"So you already understand that there is a high possibility of her not moving back in with you right?"_

_"Yes...if she doesn't...I still will be there for her. I can't let her go. I want to be there for her. However she will have me, I will be there."_

_"I think you are in a really good place with her...and I think that deciding to slow down is a good thing for the both of you. She is still working on herself and with addiction that is going to be something that she is doing for the rest of her life. Just like you and your management of your anger."_

_"Yes...I never thought I would ever get to this point of not needing to be on pills. I feel smarter...not so spacy."_

_"Have you explained where you are in your recovery to Santana?"_

_"We haven't really talked about me...not really since before Dani was born...almost a year ago."_

_"I think...that maybe you need to let her in. You have some pretty solid walls up around yourself, probably bigger than hers...maybe if you want to get back to that place that you used to be with her...or an even better place than that...you should let her in."_

_"About everything?"_

_"Yes. Everything."_

_"Maybe you're right."_

_"It was good seeing you today, Brittany. For next time, I want you to look at the relationships in your life and evaluate how your openness could make them better. After all, it's good to have some walls up but in some cases, with some people, it can actually strengthen the relationship to let them down."_

_"Like with Ana?"_

_"Exactly."_

* * *

_"Hey, Britt...what's up?"_**_  
_**

_"I'm down in the coffee shop...can I come up?"  
_

_"Actually...Siobhan is in town and is taking a nap with the baby...how about I come down?"  
_

_"Okay...do you want me to order your usual?"  
_

_"Yea...make it a double."  
_

_"Okay."  
_

Ever since Frankie decided to make her move to New York permanent we had become really close but this time it was just a friendship. I really liked that we could bond in a different way. She was a mom and so was I. We had play dates with the kids and every week we met up at the coffee shop just to talk.

It was good to have a friend that hadn't been Ana's friend first.

Frankie had insisted though that we be upfront about our friendship though, so even though Ana wasn't there and we weren't together, I let her know that me and Frankie had gotten close and Frankie had told her wife.

I liked it.

Now though, I needed her opinion about what I should do with my feelings for Ana.

I just needed a friend.

* * *

So after ordering Frankie's drink, I texted Gladys to check in on things at the house. _  
_

**_Hi Ma! How is everything?-Brittany_**

I had to remember to spell everything out, Gladys hated when I shortened words. It was like typing a new language when I had to spell things out.

Thank goodness for spell check.

**_Well, Hector and Ana have Isaac on the couch with them while they watch football. You dad had Daniela in the recliner, they are both asleep. Me and your mom are having coffee. When do you plan on coming back?-Gladys_**

**_I'm finishing up some things and then I'll be there in about two more hours...is that okay?-Brittany  
_**

**_Just in time for dinner then, that's good. Quinn, Celia and Beth are coming over. They want to take the kids for the night...Ana says it's fine with her...how about you?-Gladys  
_**

**_It's fine. Izzy loves Beth. See you soon!-Brittany_**

* * *

Frankie slid into the chair across from me and took a sip of her coffee as she put her phone down on the table. **_  
_**

She smiled at me and then took another long sip from her cup before nodding.

_"What's up?"_

_"Am I doing the right thing?"_

_"With Santana?"  
_

_"Yea...I decided that I wanted to speed things up...I want her home."  
_

She sighed and put her cup down on the table._  
_

_"Britt we talked about this...she needs time. I know that I'm not the only one that's told you this."  
_

_"I know. It's just...I know that this will make her see that I'm in this forever."  
_

_"How? Having her home may only make things worse."  
_

_"She doesn't even have to come home...I just want her back in my life. Yea...I know...you told me that this morning...I get it...and seeing her out in that audience while you danced...it was all over her face. She loves you...so much and if she is asking you for space...maybe you should respect that."  
_

_"I am...I guess...I just-"  
_

_"You are trying to have both? Right?"  
_

_"Yes!"  
_

_"Don't pressure her...let her think it through...promise me?"  
_

_"I will...I promise."  
_

_"Good...now...show me pictures from Christmas...I know you have them!"  
_

I smiled as I pulled out my phone, Frankie was in love with my kids.

If I didn't know better, I'd think she was going to kidnap them.

Yea, things with us were definitely in a better place.

This friendship was definitely better than sneaking around with her.

Being out in the open as friends was much more fun.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"So just like that you are moving back?"  
_

_"Yep...just like that."_

_"Wow...that's great...I miss seeing you all the time, San."_

_"Me too...it's lonely sometimes without my best friend but it's been so good for me. I'm actually comfortable being alone now. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore."_

_"Good...those first few night you were up there_...I was so anxious. You would call Rachel up crying your eyes out and it broke my heart to hear you like that."

_"I'm glad that I got over that. I think I was starting to wear on her. The last thing I wanted was her to run back to booze."_

_"She would cry sometimes...after hanging up with you...I had to hold her and reassure her that you would be okay. And look at that...I know my girl...you are okay...right?"_

_"Yea."_

I sat in Quinn's old room on the third floor with Daniela staring up at me as I changed her. Quinn and Isaac were in the middle of building a Lego house and even though my back was to her, I knew she could feel the change in me.

_"Talk to me."_

_"I don't know if I should move in with her...I mean, I miss my kids. I miss our routines, waking up with them and putting them to bed but I don't know if living with her...while we are separated..."_

_"I get that...trust me."_

I put Daniela down on the floor and watched her put her arms out as she stood there.

Quinn and Isaac looked over at her and waited.

She had been close to walking for days now and so we put her on her feet every chance we could.

Isaac got up and walked over to her and took her hand.

I froze as I watched him take a step and then wait for Daniela.

Quinn pulled out her phone and began recording just in time because Daniela looked up at her big brother and then took a step. He didn't let go of her hand as he took another step. The baby smiled as she mimicked Isaac.

Then after about five steps, he did it again and then let go of her hand. She looked at him and stepped forward all by herself.

I was in awe.

My son had just taught his sister to walk.

And he wasn't done because he took another step and so did she.

This was amazing.

Then the door swung open.

Daniela got distracted and fell backwards onto her butt.

Brittany stood in the doorway.

_"Did she just walk?"_

* * *

_"Oh my God, Britt you have to see this!"_

While Quinn showed B the baby's first walking steps, I watched as Daniela pushed herself back on her feet and tried to walk again.

_"Guys...look."_ I whispered.

Britt looked up and smiled as she watched Daniela begin to walk slowly towards her. Isaac walked beside her but didn't reach for her hand.

It was amazing to see.

This was what I had been missing.

There was a bond between my kids that I hadn't been there to cultivate.

Britt had done this, she had helped them to become close and I was so grateful for it.

If there was anything that could make me reach out and let her in, it was this.

But I still had my doubts.

The doubts though were whether I would hinder the closeness between my kids.

Was I good enough for them?

I still wasn't sure.

What I did know for sure though, was that I loved Brittany S. Lopez more than life itself.

I was slowly breaking...I just wanted to be in her arms forever.

There was no one better for me.

I knew that we were going to end up together.

I just had to give in to her.

And let her love in.

I just had to remember how.

* * *

**_A/N: Reviews keep me going...I'm almost there...the light at the end of the tunnel is shining brighter!_ **


	33. Chapter 33:This Time I'll Be Sweeter

**_A/N: I am trying so hard to wrap this up without it being rushed. I don't even know if you're still reading...but for those of you who had stuck around this long, I'm not going to leave you hanging. I promise! Oh and this song...I went through three versions of it and even though my beta liked one more than the others...I just couldn't help but choose the original...but in case you are interested...the others are by Roberta Flack and in Spanish...India's version which is called Te Dare Dulzura. Enjoy if you are as big of a music buff as I am. Enjoy the chapter!_**

* * *

**Chapter 33: This Time I'll Be Sweeter (Angela Bofill)**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**_December 26th, 2013_  
**

**_Dear Henry,  
_**

**_It has been way too long since I have written.  
_**

**_But I'm back.  
_**

**_And you will never believe what I'm doing right now.  
_**

**_First let me start by saying that this day has been so crazy! First I decided to bury the hatchet with Grady. I'm done holding a grudge against him for what happened with Britt and the abortion. There is nothing that I can do to change what happened and hating him just takes too much energy.  
_**

**_It feels good to forgive.  
_**

**_I never thought I would understand that feeling and it was a long time coming.  
_**

**_But I think that I'm feeling it now.  
_**

**_There was an incident at lunch that had me second guessing just how strong I am...but I realized that I actually can fight this addiction. There is just too much to lose.  
_**

**_That thought was solidified though when I got to actually watch my baby girl walk across the room. It was a moment that I missed with Isaac but I believe that God was showing me what I was missing by allowing things to get in the way of me being a good mother to my kids.  
_**

**_So now...I just left a NA meeting and let me just say, Henry, that being there with Brittany. Telling my story with her there in the front row looking at me with so much love and so much respect, it meant so much to me. It showed me that even in this recovery, I'm not alone.  
_**

**_A childhood prayer...my prayer to never be alone had been answered.  
_**

**_I just hadn't seen it.  
_**

**_Britt is the answer to that prayer.  
_**

**_I'm never alone anymore.  
_**

**_And I am okay with that.  
_**

**_Because she is giving me space when I need it but she is still showing me that she is here always.  
_**

**_And Henry, it has restored my faith.  
_**

**_In love, in life and in myself.  
_**

**_I must be doing something...worthy.  
_**

**_I'm not perfect but I'm getting there!  
_**

**_It feels so good!  
_**

**_And so now...tonight...I am letting Britt in.  
_**

**_She's taking me back to Lima...to pick up my stuff. I'm going to let her see where I've been living. I'm going to let her in completely, no more secrets.  
_**

**_She deserves every part of me and I won't let her down.  
_**

**_I won't let me down.  
_**

**_xx_**

**_Santana._**

* * *

**_We just hit Bath...so we should be there in an hour...how are the kids?-San  
_**

**_Good...so by midnight?-Q  
_**

**_Yep. The kids?-San_**

**_Asleep. Everything is good here. Have a good night.-Q  
_**

**_Thanks! Kiss them for me.-San  
_**

**_You got it. Kiss Britt for me. ;)-Q  
_**

**_LOL...okay! Night!-San  
_**

**_Night.-Q  
_**

* * *

_"So are you ready for me to take over?"_**_  
_**

I leaned over towards Britt who had that focused look on her face but I could tell from the dark circles under her eyes that she was really tired._  
_

_"No...I think I can make it."  
_

_"B...honey, there is a rest stop up ahead. I think you should pull over...let me take the last hour? These roads are icy and if you aren't alert you can skid on black ice."  
_

She stared out at the road and then blinked her eyes a few times.

Then she sighed and nodded._  
_

_"Okay. I'll pull over...but I think now is a better time...because I think I can't see very well."  
_

She pulled onto the shoulder and turned put her hazards on before sitting back and looking over at me._  
_

_"You okay, Britt Britt?"  
_

_"Yea...I am. I just...I love you so much."  
_

_"I love you too, B."  
_

_"Are you still in love with me?"  
_

I didn't even hesitate._  
_

_"I never stopped being in love with you."  
_

Her tired eyes lit up as she winked and then stepped out of the car._  
_

As we passed each other in front of the truck she put her hands on the side of my face and leaned in just close enough to my lips that I could feel her breath there.

It reminded me of our first kiss all those years ago.

In fact, a lot of things between us reminded me of that time in our lives.

A purity was back between us that hadn't been there for quite a while.

Things were kinder and sweeter._  
_

_"In everything that I have done...in every moment that I have doubted you over the last few years, never in all that time have I ever loved anyone as much as I love you Santana. I love you so much and I am more and more in love with you every day. Each time I see you overcome a situation like earlier, my love gets even bigger. God gave me you and I am so thankful for that."  
_

I looked up into her tired eyes and felt all of her love.

A broken part of me was mended, a dark part of me filled with light.

I moved the few inches and kissed her.

In that moment, we forgot that we were standing on a highway in the middle of the night in December. Right then we were back in that treehouse, two teenagers that couldn't even imagine the things that life was about to hand them. Our love was there and even though I still craved that space, I still knew that there was an open door for me...for us.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The day that I first picked up Ana and she wouldn't let me in her apartment, it hurt my feelings. _  
_

Seeing that she didn't want me to know something made me feel like she still had the ability to hide things from me and even though I didn't show it, that made me feel like we would never get to where we needed to be.

In just two days, that had completely changed.

After sitting through her meeting and watching her share her story in front of other people, I could see that she wasn't the same person who snorted cocaine while she was pregnant with Izzy, she wasn't the same person who got pregnant on purpose, or the same person who did drugs while holding our son.

This was a woman.

My woman.

She was stronger than ever before and I couldn't help but just stare at her.

When she was done telling her story, I stood to my feet and clapped for her.

She made me proud.

And I couldn't hide that from her.

My walls were down and my doors were open.

It was still early as the meeting let out, it was almost six and even though she looked tired she asked me to come back to Lima with her for the night.

Which meant that I would be staying in her apartment.

She was open to me and was showing how much she trusted me.

I had never felt so close to her.

Until that very moment.

And I never wanted it to end.

* * *

Even though I had driven five hours and should have passed out after I let her drive the last hour, I ended up sitting beside her and talking to her instead.

_"So do you know what you're going to do once you get back to living in the city?"_ I asked as I leaned over the console and rested my hand on her leg.

_"Well...Abuelo offered me the job as a server in his restaurant...so I will work. As far as living...I have places that I could go. Marco didn't leave me any money but he left me a lot of property."_

_"How much?"_

She brought her finger to her mouth and began to bite her nail.

I pulled it away from her and she smirked.

_"Sorry...bad habit."_

_"It's okay."_

_"Hmmm."_ She looked out on the road and then glanced at me. _"There's the lake house and the house in West Lima...he had a house in Lake George and then the apartment in TriBeCa."_

I hated that place.

She had broken all the trust that I had in her in that place.

Sometimes I would look out our living room windows over at the building and I would angry all over again.

_"So you think you'll move in over in that apartment?"_

_"No...I've been thinking about it all day and I just don't think that's wise. Of all the places that he left me...that one gives me the most bad memories, starting with the summer that I spent there...the bad things that I did there. And of course..."_

She wiped at her tears before they could fully fall from her eyes.

_"Izzy."_

_"Yea...I-I...fuck."_ She shook her head and cleared her throat.

I put a hand on her arm and then leaned over and kissed the side of her face.

_"I forgive you."_

As I said the words, at first it was just to comfort her, but as I heard myself, I felt just how true those words were for me. A heaviness that had been holding my walls up nice and tight, left me in that moment.

I heard the sob leave her as she pulled over.

Once the car was stopped she leaned her head against the steering wheel and wept.

The sounds of her cries made my heart clench.

Had I said something wrong?

* * *

I placed a hand on her back and she sucked in a deep breath. I sat there and just rubbed her back as her cries got quieter and softer until they stopped.

The only sound that filled the car was her deep, shaky breaths.

_"I'm sorry."_

_"No...you didn't say...it's okay." _She finally sat up and turned in her seat._ "It's just that...the day that you broke things off...that look in your eyes, it made me feel so small...so disgusting. You never looked at me like that before...even with all my shit. It was something new...it was a look that I never want you to give me. It left me feeling so dark and confused. I was so...lost and alone...so...hearing you say that...that you forgive me...there just...I have been praying for those words."_

_"And I meant it...with all of me. I forgive you."_

She smiled and then crawled over the console.

Just like old times, she straddled my lap and leaned into my lips.

But she didn't kiss me, she hugged me.

_"Thank you so much for having faith in me, B. It means so much to me."_

_"I love you."_ I said as I held her body close to mine.

She kissed my neck and then rested her head on my shoulder.

_"I love you too. Always and only you, B."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I could feel the chill start to seep into the car as I rested in Britt's arms.

And I could feel her body shaking.

Thankfully we were here already.

I sat up and looked into her eyes.

There was so much love in them.

And for the first time in way too long, I actually felt worthy.

_"Are you ready to come inside?"_

She nodded and then leaned in and sucked my bottom lip between her teeth.

I kissed her and caressed her back as she gripped my ass and I felt myself melt.

No sex.

I may feel worthy of her love but I'm still not ready for that.

I pulled back and reached for the door handle.

_"Wait..."_ Britt mumbled as she looked at me with eyes that were suddenly alert and filled with a ton of lust.

_"No sex, B. I'm still sticking to that."_

She bit her lip and then nodded.

_"Fine...I was so close!"_ She smiled and then helped me out onto the ground.

_"Eventually...I promise...when I'm ready...you will know."_

_"Okay...fine...lets get inside then."_

* * *

I was nervous._  
_

We were all alone as I unlocked the front doors of the hotel.

Everyone had moved out earlier in the day and so I knew that we would have the whole place to ourselves.

I knew that Britt had been hurt by me keeping her from inside my room but things were different now.

We were in a good place in our relationship and I felt like I could share this with her.

She held her duffel bag on one shoulder and her laptop bag on the other.

I wasn't sure why she brought it but she insisted so I didn't argue with her.

Once we were inside, I locked the doors and then slipped my hand into hers as I led her to the elevators._  
_

_"You know...this is a hotel and if you still feel uncomfortable with me seeing your place...I'm sure I can find an empty room."  
_

I smiled at her because of course she could find another room...but I didn't want her to._  
_

_"No, B. It's important to me that I share everything that I have and everything that I am with you...even this."  
_

She smiled at me and then leaned over and kissed my forehead._  
_

_"Lets go then. I'm super excited to see it!"  
_

_"Don't get too excited." _I muttered as we stepped off the elevator.

My nerves increased as we walked down towards the end of the hall.

I could see the door to my room and in my mind I could picture what was behind it.

Be brave Lopez._  
_

And I was.

* * *

I gripped Britt's hand tightly and then pushed open the door to my room. _  
_

The first thing that hit me was the cold of the room.

I had left the window open and the heat off.

Britt stood in the doorway as I walked forward and hit the light switch.

It flickered before turning on full force.

I stepped back behind Britt and shut the door.

She stood there and looked around without saying a word.

I watched as her eyes traveled over to the piano and then over to the mattress on the floor and the milk crate that I was using to hold my lamp.

I had a stack of books next to that and then there was my tv and two more milk crates turned on their sides. I kept my clothes piled on top and my two pairs of shoes stashed inside.

That was pretty much it.

She didn't say anything as she dropped her duffel bag down next to the piano.

I stood there against the door and just waited for her to say something...anything.

She still didn't speak as she put down her laptop next to the tv and then walked over to the window. She looked out of the window for a moment, from there she would be able to see the church across the street and our cars parked side by side in the parking lot. She closed the window and then turned to me with a smile on her face.

_"What's the big deal about this room?"_

I let out a breath that I hadn't realized that I had been holding and smiled back at her.

_"You mean it doesn't bother you?"_

_"No...not at all. In fact...I'm kind of sad that in just a few days it will be gone. I like it here."_

_"You do?"_ I said as I looked at her in shock.

_"It's yours...even the apartment back in the other Lima...Sandra bought that for you. This though...is the first place that is just yours. It smells like you, it feels like you and it makes me feel safe...so yes, I like it here."_

_"Wow."_

_"Are you surprised?"_

_"You have no idea, just how much."_

_"I guess there are some things you don't know about me."_

_"I guess so."_

The thought of that made me sad.

It reminded me of the look that Grady had as he looked at her earlier that day.

My heart hurt at the thought.

Now I understood just how much it hurt her when I kept things from her...even things like my piano playing. I still remember the look on her face when she saw me sit behind that piano at Ian's funeral.

She looked so hurt.

Probably as much as I did right now.

But she was smarter than me...she would know immediately why I looked like this.

The question was, would she care?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I remember the day that I first fully got what people said when they used the word humble.

It never really made much sense to me because my parents have always done whatever they needed to put food on the table.

I had never really gotten everything that I wanted but I always had everything that I needed.

Ana though...she had gone through so much in her life and even though she had everything that she ever wanted it still didn't make her happy.

She could be selfish and rude.

She was one of the biggest bitches in high school to everyone including Quinn.

But she had always been generous.

She always gave of herself but greed had still touched her in a way.

But seeing this place...her space, it was like taking a trip inside her soul.

It was small but neat.

Everything about it made me feel safe and loved.

This was a perfect place and I had half a mind to buy it.

Because even though she owned all these places that Marco left her or that she bought on her own, none of those places had as much of her soul attached to them as this place did.

I looked out over the town and felt more at home here than I ever had anywhere else.

And I wasn't sure if it felt like home because of the room itself or because of the woman who lived inside of it.

* * *

When her face dropped as I told her that there were things that she didn't know, I knew that my therapist had been right.

My walls were still there and I didn't want that.

Especially not tonight.

She looked like she was barely holding it together as she looked at me.

Her eyes were big and her body shook a little.

She was trying not to cry.

Her walls were completely down.

This was her laying every part of her out for me.

She was asking me to come inside of her walls and have a look around.

And begging me to not reject her and what do I do?

Good going, Blondie.

I took a step towards her but she didn't wait for me to take another, instead she turned right next to her and walked into the bathroom.

She shut the door and locked it.

I was going to knock but then I heard the shower turn on.

This was no shower about releasing her needs like back in the city...this shower was about her needing to cry. I couldn't stop it, but I could make sure that when she stepped back into that room, that she felt a whole lot better than when she left it.

And I had just the thing for that.

I picked up my phone and sent out a quick message to Frankie before getting to work.

If there was anything that I learned from both Rachel Berry and Coach Sylvester it was to always be prepared.

And I was.

* * *

I know Santana Lopez better than she knows herself even after all this time.

That was something that hadn't changed.

So I knew that if I wanted to have everything waiting for her, that I had about fifteen minutes to do it.

That was plenty of time for me.

But things had to be just perfect.

So I dug her phone out of her purse and turned the ringer off before doing the same to my phone and laying them side by side on the window sill.

It took me a few minutes to fine a plug for my laptop but I found it thankfully.

The last part of everything was changing.

I got into my old Julliard shirt and a pair of shorts that she gave me.

The cool in the air was perfect for me but I knew that she needed the warmth so I pulled the candles out of my bag and lit them around the room after turning on the heat.

The water turned off just as I was kneeling in front of the tv so that I could set up the laptop.

Everything was ready and so now all I had to do was wait.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

When I was in rehab, I learned that sometimes in situations when you are feeling hurt, it's better to walk away than to say anything that could make the situation worse.

I knew Britt and so when I looked at her, I could tell that she hadn't meant for me to take things the way that I had.

I was being stupid and so I needed to just lock myself away.

My head was all over the place and so this shower was going to be the thing that got me to process.

But I couldn't.

Instead I stood in there and wept like a little baby.

I cried about everything that had ever happened to me.

And knowing that Britt trusted me and forgave me for what I had done, allowed me to let go of all the negativity that I had been holding.

Disgust with myself for doing the drugs with my son in my arms and in my stomach.

Hatred at Marco for getting me hooked on drugs and using my body for his enjoyment and profit.

Anger with my father for the pain he caused me physically and emotionally.

Disappointment in my mother who created abandonment issues within me.

Resentment towards my sisters and Mr. Shue for turning a blind eye to my obvious pain.

Fury towards God for letting me down time and time again.

There was years of sludge in my heart that I was washing away as I stood in that shower.

I scrubbed myself clean but not raw.

I was beyond hurting myself to feel better.

This was about love.

Love for Britt.

Love for my kids.

Love for my mother.

Love for my sisters.

Love for my friends.

Love for God.

And finally...love for myself.

* * *

When I stepped out of the shower and stood in front of the full length mirror, I felt like I had been baptized and washed clean.

I felt like a new person.

My heart and soul felt lighter.

I had been raised with the idea that the blood of Jesus could wash you as clean as the freshly fallen snow.

I never really got what that could feel like because I always felt unworthy of any thing good.

Until now.

Now I understood that the blood symbolized his love.

And I got that.

Even if I wasn't religious...I think I could of understood that.

I was finally letting the love in.

I was letting the love that surrounded me into my heart so that I could wash away all the things that had been holding me back.

Holding me down.

I could never go back to being the same Santana Lopez and I was okay with that.

I was choosing happiness.

Finally.

* * *

The whole time that I have lived in this room, I have never owned a candle.

So when I walked out into my room and the room was full of them, I knew that it was all Britt.

She sat in the center of my bed in her pajamas with a smile on her face.

_"What's all this?"_ I asked as I walked to the corner of the room and quickly pulled a shirt over my head.

_"I want to show you something."_

That's when I realized that the laptop was sitting on top of the tv. There was Britt in her childhood bedroom...her lip swollen and a full bruise on her chin. She wasn't smiling or moving she just sat there. I wrinkled my face in confusion until I realized that it was paused.

_"That's why you brought that? What are you showing me?"_

_"Come sit down...please?"_

I nodded as I sat the place on the bed where she was patting her hand.

It didn't escape my notice that it was right between her legs.

This had always been my favorite way for Britt to hold me.

When we first started messing around, we would watch movies like this.

Me in between her legs with her arms wrapped around me.

It made me feel at home in her arms.

And so as I sat down there for the first time in almost two years it felt like I was exactly back where I needed to be.

* * *

Britt sighed as she held the remote to the laptop in her hand.

_"Talk to me, B."_

_"Before I start...I want you to know that these videos were made when I was in a very dark place. This was when you were in your coma and my parents took me home to Lima. That bruise on my chin was from after you passed out. I got pinned to the ground and my chin went straight into the ground. I was so deep in my head that I didn't even feel it. That busted lip is from when Ari punched me in the face."_

I tensed up.

This was news to me.

I turned in her arms and brought my hand to her chin and kissed it where the bruise had long disappeared from.

_"I never knew that she hit you."_

_"Yea...well...I deserved way more than that."_

_"What makes you want to show me this?"_

_"Because...I have been wanting to break down your walls for years but I never break down my own. It's time for me to do that if I ever want us to have a strong relationship with no secrets."_

I felt my chest tighten as I thought about her walls.

Something that I never felt right talking about because I knew that I had my own.

This was different though.

She was doing this willingly.

* * *

Britt pointed the remote at the laptop and then hesitated.

_"So the first day back in Lima after my parents fired Joe...who had been my therapist since I was 8 and had misdiagnosed me, I got a new therapist. And let me tell you he made all the difference in my life. He told me that I should record my time at home and then share it with you when you woke up. He said it would help you understand the hidden parts of m. So just be warned...I was totally honest because I found it easy to just say anything since it was just me and the camera."_

I felt my heart start racing.

Britt setting it up like that worried me a little.

The video started and even though I was tense, I leaned back into B and tried to just have faith in her.

Video Britt was checking her watch and then looked up at the camera. She was biting the corner of her lip and then seemed to relax after a beat.

**_"Hey Santana. I never call you that...sorry. Hi Ana, It's been almost a week since I last saw you. Since then I got a new medicine and a new doctor. I'm less loopy and I can get angry now but it isn't uncontrollable. I don't want to break stuff or hurt you which is definitely a good thing. I just got off the phone with Quinn and she told me that you haven't woken up yet and that makes me so sad. I'm so scared that I hurt you and the baby. I'm so sorry for what I did to you. You were just trying to help me and I totally freaked out on you. I hope that you wake up soon. I love you and hopefully one day...you will love me again. I'm going to bed now...I have a strict eight o'clock bed time for the next couple days. Good night."_**

The screen faded out and then immediately brightened again. This time Britt was in sweats and a tank top. She was in the dance studio that her dad built for her above their garage.

It was her safe place for her and the second place we ever made love. When she was there her dancing was more raw and passionate.

I liked her most at times like that.

**_"Hey babe...it's Thursday...my lip is better...see, who knew someone as small as Ari packed such a punch? I'm feeling better...this new medicine is awesome. I don't think I have ever danced better. It is really late right now but mom is letting me stay up because of where I'm going. Can you guess? No? Gladys came by for dinner and we talked. I apologized up, down and sideways. I think that she believed me because she asked me to go to midnight mass with her. I'm kind of nervous. Anyway...I hope it helps me to get better at knowing you. I miss you and Izzy like crazy. Good crazy not me crazy. You still haven't woken up and the doctors are worried about you and so am I. I'm surprised that your mom even wants to talk to me. I'm so glad that she is willing to give me another chance. I love you so much. I got so crazy...the doctor said that I was addicted to the way the pills made me feel. The emptiness that it made my mind have. I'm over that now though...because look at what I did to you. That can't happen again. I love you and the baby. And Izzy...I miss him so so much. Okay...um...I have to go shower cuz I'm all sweaty now. I hope your neck is okay and that the bruises heal fast...I hope they heal before you wake up so that you don't have to look at them and be reminded of what a terrible person I am. I feel like such a bad person. Knowing that what I've done has you laying in that coma kills me inside. Please wake up soon! Oh...and um...tomorrow I'm going to show you around Lima a bit...you don't admit it but I know that miss home. I love you, Ana. Always and only you."_**

How had she gone from psycho on Sunday to happy on Thursday. It was a welcome change. The screen went black...I had questions but they had to wait because the screen went straight into the next video.

I heard quacking and then the screen went really bright...we were at the park looking over the water. The ducks were parading around Britt's bare feet as she petted them. That always skeeved me out...who knew where those things were.

It was so gross.

Next we were on the track at school, one of my safe places.

The screen was shaky and I could hear Britt's breaths mixed with her footsteps, she was taking me for a run.

God, more than anything I missed running on that clay.

I smiled big when I heard a voice yelling...it was a school day, a Friday...Sue was hardest on Fridays. Britt turned the camera towards the field and pointed the camera at Sue and the Cheerios before turning it on herself.

**_"I miss seeing you in those uniforms Ana. We had great times in and out of them."_** she winked at the camera and then the screen faded and I had a life-sized version of Sue staring at me.

**_"Boobs magoo! Just thought you should know that while you are playing sleeping beauty, Brittany here is getting better. She has already been warned about not taking her meds and about putting her hands on you, so you just call me if you have any problems, got it? On another note, I hear that you are getting fat...unacceptable! After you pop that baby out, I hope to see you on the track again. Yes I still have cameras! Get better soon kiddo."_** she winked at the screen and then it cut to the choir room.

There was Schue and the glee kids...there were a bunch of new ones but girl Chang and Wheels were still there. We sat through a performance that lacked some Rachel Berry finesse.

Even though we were friends now...I would never tell her that. Her ego was big enough.

The screen faded and then we were in Breadstix with Finnept.

I froze...the old bitter feelings didn't come back but I was confused.

* * *

Why would this be something I needed to see? I felt my body stiffen upon seeing him, sensing my confusion, Britt just kept her arms wrapped around me and kissed my neck...she had edited this video for her purposes so this wasn't by accident, that much I knew...this wasn't a mistake, this was one of her secret talents. When it came to dancing and editing, every move was calculated.

We were back in the studio now and the happy Britt I had seen thus far was totally gone replaced by a sad version.

Even worse thought was the fact that she had been crying.

**_"Hey Ana...I'm so stupid. So fucking stupid! Finn kissed me and I let him go a little too far...then he came all over my leg. I feel horrible about it. Like trash...like I'm just useless. Your mom is coming to get me for church soon and then I'm staying over there tonight. I just need to be surrounded by your scent. I promised to be honest with you so I have to show you this."_** I felt the air leave my lungs when I saw the fresh cuts on Britt's inner arm. **_"I haven't told anyone yet...I'm scared to. I will tell God even though he probably knows already and of course I'll tell my new therapist about it in the morning. It stings a lot so I guess I will show Gladys, she was married to a doctor so she can treat it right? I feel disgusting. I wish you were here with me to tell me that its okay. Even though I know that you wouldn't be okay with it. Why can't I just be alone without messing around with anyone else? Finn called me a whore and I think he's right. I wanted to call and check on you but it's against the rules since I call too much...so I have to wait for someone to call me about you. I'm not supposed to call anymore. Please forgive me when you finally see this."_** The tears were burning my eyes and soaking my cheeks, so much had happened since that time in her life but it still felt like it happened just yesterday.

I wanted to reach through that screen and just hug her. I pulled Britt's arms tighter around me when I felt her tears hit my neck.

Seeing this was hard for her but I was so grateful for it. She was letting me see a part of her that we never talked about. I just never knew what to say and so I just quietly accepted it...even though I shouldn't have.

The screen went bright again and I realized we were at the mall in the food court. Britt looked down at the screen. **_"Hey...it's Saturday...I came to the mall to go shopping because I ruined most of my shirts cuz I cut myself again. That's why I haven't been recording myself since the last video and then I was in the hospital cuz I went too deep on my arm and I got stitches. Everyone is mad at me and has been threatening to put me back in the hospital. I got cut off by your family...well except Gladys...but it really sucked because I just went into a bunch of stores and my card got declined. I am too upset to drive right now so I'm sitting here until I calm down. You wouldn't have cancelled my card would you...Sandra though...she hates me? I don't blame her...it's been almost a month and you still aren't awake. Forgive me...please? I am so fucking sorry. I swear!"_** I heard the tears in her voice just as the screen went black.

We were back in the studio and I was watching Britt dance, I could watch her move like this forever, I watched the full routine and then she slid on her knees across the floor until she was face to face with the camera. I laughed out loud when I saw her cheesy grin. She was feeling better and that made me happier. Britt gripped me tighter and kissed my shoulder.

**_"I hope you liked it...it's the first number for the show. I have been perfecting it all week and today I thought it was good enough to show you. It was hard but I just kept imagining you on the other side of the mirror. It worked well. You'll be so proud when you wake up. Oh...guess what? I went to confession yesterday after I got home from the bank...and I felt much better getting so much off my chest. Oh it's Sunday by the way. Gladys gave me money for new shirts and even yelled at Sandra about cutting me off without telling her. She and I are getting close especially after what happened...I can't tell you on here because she asked me not to...but you will find out."_**

I knew immediately that she was talking about Abuela dying.

**_"I can now cook three of your favorite foods! Score right? My therapist put me on a second medication on Friday and I'm feeling insanely better. Two pills a day is still better than the six I had to take before. Finn went to mass with me and Gladys this morning...he apologized for what happened to me and even hugged your mom. She is the only one that knows what happened with Finn besides mom and now you. He understands that I love you. Which he should have known already but you know Finn, he's a bit slow. Tomorrow we are going out for brunch and to drive go karts cuz he thinks he's badder than me but I've lived in New York and Chicago, plus I married the baddest chica ever so he has nothing on me! I love you mamacita! Oh and I'm learning Spanish!"_**

I smiled bringing Britt's hand to my mouth and kissing it. I was filled with so many emotions but above all I was filled with so much love for her.

The video came on and I found myself looking at a red faced Brittany. She had been crying and looked like the last thing she wanted to do was record herself.

**_"I am so angry today...do you know why? No? Today I was sitting in my therapists office and he made me talk about you and Ian. Then he made me talk about you and Ian. And honestly...I just don't feel like I will ever measure up to him. I know that I can never be for you what he is and it hurts me so bad!"_ **

* * *

_"Pause it a sec B." _

_"It's okay Ana...I don't feel like that anymore."_

_"No...but you need to know this...please?"_ I pleaded.

She pointed the remote at the lap top and stopped the video.

I turned in her arms and looked into her eyes.

She looked worried.

_"I was so selfish. I fucked with both yours and Ian's hearts and neither of you deserved it. He knew that I loved you more than anything and the one that could never measure up was him. I mean I loved him...without him, we would have Isaac or Daniela. You just need to know that no one...ever...made me feel the way that you do. It's always and only you that makes me feel so complete and these days it's you that has helped me to become more whole."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I feel the same way."_

She smiled and pulled me back into her and then pushed play.

* * *

The screen went black again and then it came back up. This time B had deep circles under her puffy red eyes. She looked horrible. She attempted to smile but it quickly fell flat.

**_"It's been awhile since I have recorded. So much has happened...Christmas just passed and I barely got to see our son. I have been living at the theater and even though I got baptized and I'm Catholic now...things between me and your family are still tense. It's been months and the only people that will even talk to me are Quinn and Ari. I'm so sorry for what I did...I was an idiot and I see that now. I'm going to do everything that I can to make this lost time up to you even if it takes the rest of our lives. If you will just let me back into your life. Don't let them keep you and the kids from me...please?"_ **

The screen when black and I kissed Britt's hands.

_"Never."_

I reassured her.

When the screen came back up I heard a familiar song come on...Jeremih and there she was. Her and Tony danced a full number for me and I couldn't help but smile. It was a good way to lighten things up after the dark place that she had gone to in the beginning of the video.

She had a hope in her eyes as she looked into the camera just before it went black again.

When it came back up we were in a therapy session and I was listening to Britt talk to her therapist about all the things that Dionne had said to her on Christmas morning. I expected to feel anger but really what I felt was sadness. I wish that I had known that she was pregnant because I would of handled the situation differently.

Even if I still felt like she deserved it.

The screen went dark at the end of the session and I suddenly felt like I knew Britt more than I ever could have imagined and I still loved her.

I still trusted her and I still wanted to spend my life with her.

* * *

When the screen came back up this time, it was in our apartment, the Christmas tree was up and there was Isaac's power wheels in the background. She was sitting at my piano and looking straight at me with a smile on her face.

This had to be today.

And I was right.

**_"So, I left you at your mom's so that I could meet with my therapist and Frankie today. I talked to them about everything. I talked to them about your need for space. I talked to them about how committed I am to you. And then after that I came back here. I just needed to think about what I wanted to do. I made this video for you a really long time ago and wanted to show it to you today after realizing that too much of our relationship was about me trying to protect you from me...from who I am inside. I can't do that anymore. So hopefully after tonight...we can start to rebuild...at a slow pace...no sex...no kissing even...I will do whatever you need...I just...I would really like it if you came home. So knowing what you know...and seeing what you have seen...would you still be brave enough to marry me?"_**

The screen flashed black.

And then Britt was holding an open box in front of me.

I was in shock.

* * *

This was not what I had expected.

_"B?"_

I turned in her arms and looked up into her eyes.

_"I want you to know that I am here as your foundation. I want to be all the love you ever need. I want to take this at your pace...I just want to promise myself to you. So __will you marry me?"_

The ring in front of me was familiar and then it came rushing back to me...Abuelo...this was the ring that he had given my Abuela, it was simple and perfect. I felt a smile cross my face just knowing that he knew about this...that he blessed this. I felt tears sting my eyes as I thought about what Britt was asking me.

Suddenly I wasn't scared of rushing things.

We were on the same page.

She was asking to tie herself to me even after everything that I had done and she had done.

This was her having faith and trust in me as a mother to our children and as her wife.

She cleared her throat and I looked back up at her.

_"These past couple months has been a trial run for us as adults but I really think that it's time for us to be serious about what we mean to each other. This time we will go big and not rush it. Forget the old stuff, it's all in the open now and so we can move past it. So please...let's be new and fresh. Marry me?"_

I looked up at her and felt my heart race.

My body wanted her and my heart...it never left her.

But my mind was doing that thing where it over analyzes.

What would happen?

Could I do this?

Was I good enough?

Was this even real?

* * *

**_A/N: More to come in the coming days. Review my cheesy cheesy non-ending...yay! _**


	34. Chapter 34:Heart Skips a Beat

**Chapter 34: Heart Skips A Beat (Olly Murs feat. Chiddy Bang)**

* * *

**_I looked up at her and felt my heart race._**

**_My body wanted her and my heart...it never left her._**

**_But my mind was doing that thing where it over analyzes._**

**_What would happen?_**

**_Could I do this?_**

**_Was I good enough?_**

**_Was this even real?_**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My heart was racing as I pressed my back against the wall.

I could feel the sweat going down my back.

I hadn't felt this amazing in a long time.

_"Ana!"_ I screamed out.

She didn't respond but I could hear that her breathing was just as fast as mine was.

It was still dark out and instead of sleeping we were doing this. I had been completely dominating for the last hour but suddenly her experience took over.

My heart was pounding in my ears as I called out to her again.

Still nothing.

And then out of nowhere there she was right in front of me with a flashlight.

_"Tag!"_

_"Shit! Where did you even come from?"_

Her laugh broke out in the empty hallway as she fell against me. I could hear how out of breath she was as she laughed.

She was never so beautiful. When Ana laughed it was like music and I couldn't hold back as I pressed my lips to her neck.

_"Oh God...Britt!"_ She slapped playfully at my back as she tilted her neck even more so that I get all the good places. _"No fair, I won."_ she whined. _"I get to do the kissing...come on get up against the wall."_

I slowly pulled away and leaned back against the wall.

_"Like this?"_ I muttered.

She smiled and then handed me her flashlight.

_"Here arms above your head...hold the flashlight."_

I didn't argue as I did what she asked. It would be a test of my arm muscles but I did a lot of baby lifting so this wouldn't be so bad.

She smiled up at me and then kissed just under my chin. I shuddered as I felt her fingers dance across my skin just under my shirt.

She nibbled on my collarbone as she ran her fingers up and down my sides, barely touching.

_"Ugh."_ I grunted as she bit down a little harder. _"Mmmhmmm."_ I nodded as she looked up at me. Her eyes asking silently if that was okay.

Now that I had given her permission she continued to kiss and nibble along my chest and touching me under my shirt.

The timer went off and just like that it was over. My panties were drenched and I knew that I was going to have to take care of that later.

Ana smiled and then reached up and took her flashlight back.

_"Tired yet?"_

I shook my head. My body was anything but tired. I was fighting the strong urge to tackle her right here in this empty hallway but I would respect her wishes.

She still needed time.

But I could be patient.

For however long she needed, I would wait.

_"No...I want to win again."_

She held the flashlight under her chin and then smirked at me.

_"Then I guess you are going to have to catch me then."_

And just like that she flicked the light off and was off running in her socks.

I was determined to win again...she may know the hotel better but I knew her.

She was a person of habit and every time I found her it was on the same part of the floor.

She didn't stand a chance.

* * *

We played until the sun came up and then finally we fell onto her mattress, exhausted and happy.

I laid looking into her dark eyes and brushed her hair from her face.

She was smiling at me just like old times.

It was shy but excited at the same time.

Everything about her made me want to be closer, to be one with her.

_"Yes."_ She whispered before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

_"Yea?"_ I asked as I kissed her eye lids and then pressed a kiss on the tip of her nose.

Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled unbelievably huge.

_"I want to marry you and if you will have me...I want to move back home."_

Suddenly I was wired again.

This was the greatest moment.

It's what everything was for but then I came back to reality.

She looked at me with squinted eyes and then looked away.

_"But you still want space?"_

_"Yes...I want us to get to know each other...I want to work towards building a life together...so we could start deciding where we want to live. Maybe get a real house?"_

_"This is so exciting." _I said as I kissed her cheeks and then her lips._ "I understand that you need space and time still...and I promise to give you that. I will continue to love you and support you. It will just be easier now...with no more secrets and you back at home with me and the kids."_

_"I think so too."_

_"You're sure about this...right?"_

She looked at me for a long moment and just for that little space of time, I started to doubt myself but then she smiled again and nodded.

_"I'm so so sure about this, Britt. My heart flutters every time I think about it. I want us to do this right...plan a real wedding and a honeymoon. Then we can move into our first real house...just the four of us...and maybe we can get a dog...have a real life."_

_"That sounds so awesome!"_

I felt so excited as we made plans for our new life together.

We would get it right this time.

Because we were finally on the same page, on the same sentence and reading at the same pace.

We were in tune with each other again and I knew then that all the drama that we had been through was so that we could get to this moment.

We were in love again.

And if felt perfect.

_"I love you so much, Brittany."_

_"Always and only you, Santana."_

I kissed her face again before setting an alarm.

As I curled around her she kissed my lips long and hard.

When she pulled back, she smiled again before closing her eyes.

As she drifted to sleep, she still had that smile on her face.

I had put that there.

And I didn't want to ever stop doing that.

We fell asleep early that morning with a lightness covering us.

A oneness.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

It was early morning and I was really tired from an extra long rehearsal the night before.

Britt and Anita had gone for the day and left me with Frankie and Tony.

They were slave drivers.

My body ached all over and even though I usually enjoyed that feeling, that was usually after a morning run.

Today though, I was supposed to be back at the theater to meet up with Tucker and our understudies. I had to work on dancing with Grady and Tucker had to work on dancing with Katy, we wanted this show to be seamless.

We opened in just one week and anything could happen between now and then.

So I was really enjoying sleeping in but that was promptly ended by a loud knock on my door.

I opened my eyes and looked at the girl laying in front of me.

We had been dating for over a month but I still hadn't introduced her to anyone.

After being with Rachel, I was being cautious with my heart.

She looked back at me with her dark, almond-shaped eyes.

_"I guess we should get up?"_ She whispered before kissing my lips and then jumping up from the bed.

_"Yea...look...you know...I-"_

She held up a hand as she slid back into her sweatpants and pulled a shirt over her head.

_"I know your wishes Ariana...and it's okay. I'm going to make coffee and you can just say I am a friend crashing...okay?"_

_"Thanks."_ I felt myself blushing as I slipped into my moccasins and then made my way over to the door.

I checked behind me at the state of my room and could see that she was already on her way to my roommates bed with her coffee mug and a Physics book.

She had gotten way too good at this.

* * *

_"Papi?"_

I stood there looking at my father for the first time in over a year and I couldn't even get out a full sentence.

_"Are you going to invite me in?"_

I stepped to the side and waited for him to pass me before shutting the door and then leaning against it.

She looked over at me from the bed across the room and nodded in encouragement.

Papi stood by my desk awkwardly.

_"Why don't you have a seat Mr. Soto, would you like some coffee?"_

Right then in that moment, I wanted to drop to my knees and thank her for stepping in.

She had that southern charm to her and it was really coming in handy.

_"Yes, thank you. Ariana you have a nice roommate, yes?"_

Suddenly I didn't want to go back into the closet, I didn't want to hide anything.

He had disowned me and told me that I was dead to him.

What did I have left to loose?

_"Actually, Papi, she isn't my roommate. She's my girlfriend."_

He didn't get red like he had a year ago.

_"Well, are you going to introduce us properly, mija?"_

_"Huh?"_ I said as I stood there looking at my father.

Was he serious?

_"Ari, he's here for a reason and maybe you should just talk to him?"_

I nodded at her as she put a mug of coffee in my hands and then handed one to Papi.

_"Papi...this is Gloria Carrion, Gloria this is my Papi, Gabriel Soto."_

She smiled at me and then held out a hand to Papi.

Just like the gentlemen that he was, he stood and brought her hand to his lips and kissed it.

_"Are you Catholic?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do you have serious intentions with my daughter?"_

_"Yes. I love her and respect her. You raised an amazing woman and I'm blessed that she picked me."_

_"And how are your parents about this...lifestyle?"_

_"It took them time to come around to the idea but they did before even I did, I was engaged to a good man that I didn't love just because I thought it would please them but they saw how unhappy I was so...they had an intervention for me after I graduated high school...with the priest. He explained things to them and helped me see that God still loved me...even if I thought it was impossible. They were very understanding about how I felt and asked me to spend time in a convent. So I did for a whole year before moving to here. I made my peace with God."_

Papi looked at her for a long time before looking over at me.

I was still stunned to silence as I listened to Gloria open up to a man that she barely knew.

A man who was desperately trying to understand me for a change.

_"Are you serious about this young woman, Ariana?"_

_"Yes, Papi. I love her."_

_"And you're happy?"_

_"Yes, Papi."_

_"Then you have my blessing."_

Was I dreaming?

Had my father just allowed me back into the family?

Had he just accepted not only me but Gloria too?

If this was a dream then I wanted to stay asleep forever.

I pinched myself and felt the sting...this was real.

And just like that I was back in my father's arms as he pulled both of us in for a hug.

_"So...how about I take you ladies to breakfast?"_

He could of asked me to go to Antarctica and I would have gladly accepted.

This was a prayer answered.

And faith restored.

* * *

**Dionne's POV**

* * *

_"Are you still in bed?"_

I opened my eyes to see Grady standing over me with a bag over his shoulder.

_"Yes...nobody told me that morning sickness happened at any time of day...I was up all night."_

_"Oh...well you wanted this baby."_

_"With you...I wanted to do this with you!"_ I shrieked.

_"Things have changed."_

He put down the bag and started going through drawers and pulling out his stuff.

I sat up way too fast and felt like my head was about to split in two.

_"Since when?"_

_"Since you went looking for a fight with Brittany."_

_"Fuck her and that bitch she chose over you."_

_"What did she ever do to you, D?"_

_"She took you."_

_"Nobody took me. I'm here aren't I?"_

_"For now from the looks of it...where the hell are you going now?"_

_"I don't want to be with you anymore Dionne. Brittany told me what you did to her. She told me what you said to her and that was low...even for you."_

_"But I'm pregnant."_

_"So."_

_"So?"_

_"Look, I really loved Brittany and I let you get in my head for way too long. That cost her the ability to have kids and it cost me a really good relationship with the first girl that I ever cared about. That I ever loved and even though I know that we wouldn't have worked because she loves Santana...I know that she would have been a great mother to our kid and she wouldn't have kept it from me. You are a poison and I don't want any part of you. As soon as that baby is born...I'm suing for full custody. You and I are through. Don't call me or my mom. Got it?!"_

* * *

_"Why are you calling me, Dionne?"_

_"I wanted to apologize about what I did."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because it wasn't right, I shouldn't have come looking to mess with you."_

_"Grady called me...he told me that he left you and that you would probably call me."_

_"He did? Santana's okay with that?"_

_"Yes. We are honest with each other...you should maybe try it sometime."_

_"Look, Brittany...I don't want any trouble...it's just...I'm pregnant and its going to be hard doing it alone."_

_"You aren't getting any sympathy from me."_

_"I could have sued...I could have pressed charges."_

_"So do it."_

_"Maybe I will."_

_"Just don't be surprised if our lawyers show the world how crazy you are and you lose that baby."_

_"Blackmail? I didn't think you were capable of that Britt."_

_"Look...I'm not going to convince him to be with you. He is a grown man. It's his decision. I'm not going to make decisions for him like you did."_

_"Wow...you really are stupid."_

There was a dial tone in my ear and I ended up crying.

This all fucking sucked.

All my life I just wanted one thing.

Grady.

And this stupid bitch came along and took him from me.

She isn't even that pretty.

I hate her!

And she is going to pay for this.

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

_"Hey B...are you guys still on the road?"_

_"Yea...just started driving...should be back in town around noon. Is everything alright?"_

I was currently standing in front of a hospital room with a police officer lingering a few feet away...things were definitely not alright.

_"This Dionne situation is spiralling out of control...I just want you to know that when you get back to the city there are probably going to be cops at your door. She's pressing charges for the fight."_

_"I knew it! Hold on." _

I waited patiently as I heard a lot of background noise.

And then I heard Santana speaking in Spanish.

_"Hello?"_ I said after what felt like ages.

_"Yea...I had to pull over. Ana is calling her mom...where are you?"_

_"The hospital...Grady called me and told me that I should try and get in contact with you. Apparently Dionne tried to kill herself...she's on suicide watch."_

_"So how is she doing both? When I was in the psych ward...I couldn't talk to anyone."_

_"Well...before she down a half bottle of pills, she stopped by the police station to file formal charges against Santana and Celia."_

_"Is Ana going to be in trouble?"_ Britt sounded worried and I hated to hear it.

Dionne had always been a nuisance and I was sick of her.

When her and Grady came back to audition for the show, the moment that I saw her on the stage, I turned her down.

But Tony...he couldn't find good dancers...so he rehired Grady.

And I'll give it to him, Grady has been on his best behavior but unfortunately his baggage was following him around.

There had to be some way to get rid of Dionne.

* * *

I heard more shuffling and then a voice change.

_"Francis? It's Santana. Britt is a wreck over here. What's going on?"_

_"She's pressing charges against you and Celia, the cops are here taking her statement."_

_"I already called my mom..she's on her way there. The cops already stopped by my sister's job. Why are you at the hospital?"_

_"She tried to kill herself."_

_"Oh...this is nothing then...she's a loon."_

_"Look...they are treating this like a formal case and I know that you have already had some issues with the court, I just wanted you two to know what you had to look forward to."_

_"Thanks for the heads up. I really appreciate it."_

_"Anytime. Let me know if you need anything."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Oh and Santana?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Congratulations."_

_"Thank you...hopefully we can celebrate properly when all this shit is taken care of."_

_"Amen to that."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Can I ask you something, B?"_

I was sitting in the passenger seat staring out the window thinking of all the shit that Dionne was causing.

We were sitting in a rest station somewhere in the middle of nowhere because I couldn't calm myself down enough to drive.

This was supposed to be a happy day for me...for us and she was just ruining it.

_"Anything."_

_"Are you sure that nothing ever happened between you and Dionne?"_

I could hear the shake in her voice as the words crossed her lips.

Fuck Dionne for this.

_"I swear to you that nothing ever happened. She has always had issues with me and Grady. She has it in her head that I stole him from her but now the problem is that she has him and she still can't leave me alone because he doesn't love her."_

_"Like he loves you?"_

I didn't even have to answer the question because we both knew the answer.

Grady still loved me and he would never love her as long as he was stuck on me.

Ana was quiet as she looked out onto the highway.

_"I don't love him...not like I love you...you know that, right?"_

_"Yea...I know that. I've always known that."_

_"But?"_

_"I...what does she get out of this?"_

_"It's not what she gets...it's who she hurts."_ I said as I bit down on my lip.

Ana sighed as she sat there playing with the engagement ring that I had given her.

She couldn't wear it on her left hand yet because of her swollen knuckles and so it was on her other hand.

It was beautiful and I was happy that she loved it.

But even though I could tell that she loved it, I knew that she wasn't thinking about the ring.

She was thinking about Dionne.

After hanging up with Frankie she had talked to her mom again and now apparently she wanted to pay Dionne a visit...but I put my foot down. There was no way that I was going to let her be in the same place as Dionne.

Dionne is nothing but trouble and I don't want Ana to have any part in it.

She was in it deep enough as it was.

This is my problem.

And even though we were vowing to start being each others backbone...I was not going to let Dionne create problems in my relationship.

She had done enough damage in my life and so something had to change.

Ana was in too fragile a place, to have to go through something like this.

* * *

_"Mami agrees with you by the way. She told me to steer clear of Dionne."_

It was a small victory, because that meant that Ana would at least listen and stay away from Dionne, for now.

Ana turned on the radio and began to hum along. I could tell that she was in her head about this whole situation. I was trying my best to calm down so that we could get back on the road but I couldn't stop the slow, silent tears from coming out of my eyes and she wouldn't let me leave her car until I stopped crying.

So we ended up sitting in a rest stop parking lot for almost an hour in silence.

It was already past noon and we still had two hours to drive.

Our six hour drive was now going to be eight hours.

Ana got tired of trying to wait me out.

Because the tears just kept coming.

And even though she was talking to me, I wasn't really hearing her.

Another twenty minutes went by but the tears were still stinging my eyes.

* * *

Finally she leaned over the console and put her bandaged hand on my leg.

_"So I was thinking that we could get married next month."_

I looked over at her in shock.

_"What?!"_

_"I knew that would get your attention." She laughed as she brushed my tears away. She kissed both of my cheeks and then pulled back and looked in my eyes. "It's going to be okay. I'm going to make this right. I'll do whatever it takes."_

_She had a huge grin on her face but I wasn't laughing. _

_"Including getting yourself arrested...again?"_

She was right, it had gotten my attention because now I was angry.

Like really fucking pissed off.

_"I'm not going to get arrested. Okay?"_

_"You don't know that."_

I pushed open the car door and jumped down.

I suddenly needed air.

This was so overwhelming.

Normally, Ana would chase after me and try to talk me through this, but when I looked back into her car, I could see that she was on the phone instead. She was watching me but she wasn't moving.

Maybe she wouldn't mind if I got in my car.

So I did.

The moment that I turned it on, the bluetooth began to connect and then ring.

I hit the pick up button, expecting it to be Ana but it wasn't.

* * *

_"Brittany...are you there?"_

_"Hi Grady."_

_"Your new fiance...congratulations by the way...just called me and told me that you are freaking out about Dionne. She asked me to call you."_

_"Seriously?"_

I looked over into Ana's car and saw that it was empty.

Then I heard a tapping.

She was at the passenger side window with a big grin on her face.

She pointed towards the rest stop and then waved at me before running towards the building.

_"Look...I talked to the cops, I told them how crazy D is...and I told them that she was a danger to herself."_

_"Okay...but she still already pressed charges."_

_"I talked to the cops...they are going to drop them. She keeps throwing out the craziest shit. She said that Ari threatened to kill her...she said that Frankie discriminated against her for not letting her back on the show. Up until about ten minutes ago...the cops wanted to talk to every single person that she talked about but then Santana's mom breezed in here and talked to them for like two minutes...they are going to drop the charges."_

_"Are you telling me the truth?"_

_"I swear. Look...I just want you to be happy...even if it isn't with me. Santana loves you...I would be an idiot not to see that. You deserve the best and I know that she will give that to you."_

_"She already does."_ I whispered as I watched Ana walk back towards the car with two cups in her hands. She was still smiling and from what I could tell she wasn't faking her happiness.

"_Good. I'm glad you see it too. Now...I want you to smile and be happy. There is so much to look forward to."_

_"Grady?"_

_"Yea, Brittany?"_

_"Thank you."_

_"No...thank you, Britt. Just being able to talk to you like this...it makes me feel...just...thank you."_

The line cut and I sat there in silence.

I had come a really long way.

There was still an emptiness inside of me...my body still knew that it was missing something.

I still wanted to be able to get pregnant and even though I was okay now with the fact that I couldn't...it still hurt.

Every time I talked to Grady, I thought of what I had lost.

But I didn't feel the anger that I did before.

I just felt sad.

* * *

The tears came just as Ana was opening the passenger door.

_"What the hell happened? What did he say to you?"_

I looked over at her and could see how angry she was.

There was an expression on her face that made her look angry and broken at the same time.

I didn't like that she was doing that in response to me.

_"It's not him...well it is...but...it's not what you think. Look...I'm fine...lets just get home...please?"_

She handed me a cup and then just nodded.

_"I'm going to call you on the bluetooth...if you need to pull over...just tell me. Okay?"_

I nodded as I took a sip of my hot chocolate.

Ana still looked sad as she walked back to her car.

This was not how things were supposed to be.

_"Fuck!"_

I screamed as I beat my fist against the steering wheel.

There was an anger running through me now.

How was I going to fix this?

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"Hey...I haven't heard from you in forever...you won't believe the morning I have had!" _

_"Same here, Arita."_

_"It doesn't sound like your morning was good though."_

_"Because it hasn't been."_

_"Want to talk about it?"_

_"Nah...not if you are having an amazing morning, I just wanted to see how you are. I'm driving and just needed to talk to someone other than Britt for a minute."_

_"Um...that's not good."_

_"Oh no...we are fine...in fact we got engaged last night." _

_"Yea? She finally did it? She told me that she wanted to...I'm so happy for you congratulations."_

_"Thanks."_

_"So why do you need to not talk to her?"_

_"Well we were talking...but she just got a call and decided to take it, mid conversation. So I decided that I just needed to cheer myself up."_

_"Is this about Dionne?"_

_"You know about that?"_

_"Frankie called me earlier to tell me what happened. I was hoping that she wouldn't call you guys...just so that you could enjoy being alone."_

_"Yea...I kind of wish that she hadn't called but I appreciate it."_

_"Yea..."_ I was distracted.

Gloria and Papi were sitting at a table waving at me.

I had left the booth to answer the phone...I was torn between my happy moment and Ana.

_"Ari?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"What am I interrupting? What's going on?"_

_"Papi's here."_

_"Shit...I'm so sorry...I'll hang up."_

_"No...it's not...I just introduced him to my girlfriend and he accepted her and me."_

There was a long pause.

"_Girlfriend? Since when have you had a girlfriend? Why didn't you tell me?"_

_"Well...I haven't told anyone...and it's not like you and I talk a lot."_

_"Yea...you're right...I'm so excited for you. Tell Gabriel that I hope to see him before he goes back to Lima."_

_"I will...we are out to breakfast now...the three of us."_

_"Wow...well go back to breakfast. I love you...and I'm so happy for you!"_

* * *

_"What was that about?"_ Gloria asked as I slid into the booth next to her.

_"Dionne...just messed up an amazing moment in Anita and Britt's life. They got engaged last night and Dionne is trying to ruin their happiness."_

_"Wow...is she okay?"_

_"She's fine."_

Papi cleared his throat and smiled.

_"So how is Anita?"_

_"Good...she says hi and that she hopes to see you before you go back to Lima."_

_"I hope to see her too. I've heard so much about her life...but I haven't seen her in years."_

_"I'd like to meet her."_ Gloria chimed in.

_"Okay...we can...arrange something."_ I said as I elbowed Gloria.

_"Wait...Gloria hasn't met your best friend?"_ Papi said looking at me in shock.

_"Actually, Senor Soto...I haven't met anyone in her life...you are the first."_

_"How long have you two been dating?"_

_"About six months."_ I whispered.

_"Ariana...how have you kept her a secret for so long?"_

_"It's been surprisingly easy actually. There is so much drama going on in everyone's life that no one pays attention."_

_"Well...I just know that Ari tells me about all these people and their drama...but I have never met them." Gloria looked at me and then over at Papi. "Maybe now that you have met me she will feel like I'm good enough to introduce to everyone else."_

I turned to her and placed my hand on her arm.

_"Gloria...you are better than good enough...you are perfect for me. I just...I guess I just wanted to keep you to myself for a while."_

_"Don't be selfish, Ariana...I raised you better."_ Papi said as he winked at me.

He was right.

Gloria had been so amazing to just stand to the side.

But it was time.

I loved her and now that my father was so open to us, I needed to be serious.

She deserved the best and I would give her the best.

* * *

We were halfway through breakfast when Gloria leaned over and kissed my cheek.

_"I have to get to work. Will I see you tonight?"_

_"I'll call you, I don't know how bad this Dionne situation will get."_

"Okay." She smiled and then stood from the table. _"Senor Soto, it has been so great meeting you. I hope that we can do this again soon?"_

She went to shake Papi's hand but he stood up and pulled her into a hug.

_"Call me Gabriel...you're family now."_

_"Thank you." _

I felt my heart skip a beat as I watched Gloria hugging my father.

It was like a dream come true.

_"I will be in town for another two days...so we will see each other again, if I have any say in it."_

I was afraid my heart would just stop beating if things kept going on like this.

* * *

Gloria had been gone all of five minutes when Papi's smile faded a little bit.

I got anxious and couldn't even eat anymore.

_"What is it Papi?"_

_"It's your mother...I want you to come home and see her."_

_"Why? What's wrong?"_

_"All these years...she has put off going to the doctor for her headaches."_

_"Papi you're scaring me."_

_"They say she doesn't have long and she wanted to see you for the holidays...but she has too much pride even on her deathbed."_

I sat there looking at my father through blurred vision as my eyes flooded with tears.

_"How long does she have?"_

_"They say it will be a miracle if she makes it another month."_

_"Why...why didn't you tell me sooner?!" _

Suddenly, I didn't care that I was in a crowded restaurant.

I was standing there yelling at my father for the first time in my entire life and he was just sitting there taking it in.

Why wouldn't he yell back?

I had seen him yell at my brothers and Marco a million times but not me.

_"Ariana...please sit back down...please."_

_"No. I...I have to go!"_

And just like that I left him sitting there.

But my heart was too broken to care.

* * *

**Dionne's POV**

* * *

_"Tell them you went temporarily insane."_

_"But I'm not insane, Grady."_

_"You are pregnant and you tried to kill yourself."_

_"I'm not."_

_"Not what?"_

_"I'm not actually pregnant."_

_"What?!"_

_"I lied."_

_"You know what...fuck you. I can't believe you would lie about this."_

_"Grady...please...I just...I don't want to lose you!" _

_"Too late."_

Watching him walk away from me while I was strapped to a bed made me angry inside.

_"I'll do anything...just don't...please don't go!" _

I didn't expect him to stop and turn back towards me.

But he did.

_"You know what I want you to do?"_

_"Whatever it is, I'll do it. I promise you!"_

_"Good. I want you to get the fuck out of my life! Forever."_

_"But."_

_"You promised."_

_"Okay." _

I couldn't fight anymore.

He didn't love me.

Brittany was right...every thing that I did just made it worse.

He didn't want me and I was done showing him how much we were meant for each other.

I was just too tired.

_"That includes the people in my life...especially Brittany."_

_"Fine...Okay."_

_"And if you don't...I'll make you."_

_"That's not necessary...I get it. I'm done. I promise."_

It shocked me how much I felt the truth in my words.

Why was I still doing this?

I was wasting my time in this city chasing after a lost cause.

I used to have dreams of my own.

But now I really was losing my mind.

I had to change.

* * *

_"You paged me, Ms. Parker?"_

_"How can I arrange a transfer?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I want to admit myself but...I don't want to be in New York."_

_"Where do you want to be?"_

_"Back home...in North Carolina."_

_"I'll check into some facilities and see what can be done."_

_"Thank you."_

Maybe I could figure out what was wrong with me.

Maybe when Grady sees the change in me...maybe he can finally love me.

I was willing to do anything for him to love me.

Even if it meant that I had to give in to his idea that I was insane.

I would just have to prove him wrong.

One thing was certain though...getting to him through Brittany was a bad idea.

But there were other ways.

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

I crawled up her body and planted kisses along her neck and bare shoulders.

_"Mmmm...hi, Francis."_

_"Did I wake you?"_

_"I shouldn't be sleeping anyway...it's the middle of the day."_

_"Did you drop the baby off?"_

_"Yea...he was so excited to see Izzy. How'd things go at the hospital?"_

_"Dionne admitted herself. I think the worst of it is over."_

_"I hope."_

_"I know you really don't want me in New York and this probably didn't help did it?"_

_"Nope...not really."_

_"I figured."_

_"But when our saw our little boy so happy when I dropped him off...I realized that isn't about me. He's happy here and that is really what matters."_

_"So you don't mind if we stay?"_

_"Nope but I would like it if you would agree to visit me in Italy."_

_"Okay...we will."_

_"Good...now...I believe you were about to start something?"_

I smiled as she pulled me against her naked body and held me close. I kissed my wife's lips and slid my fingers through her hair.

She yanked at my shirt and pulled at it. Finally I pulled away and just yanked it over my head.

I was too impatient for the slow shit.

_"I want you so fucking bad."_

_"Show me."_

_"My pleasure."_

* * *

I ripped back the covers and kissed my way down her body. I traced my tongue down between her abs and chuckled as she squirmed.

_"Fuck...it's been months don't tease!"_

I loved it when someone that was so strong and confident begged for me.

I blew across the trail of wetness that was soaking her thighs and lips.

_"How bad do you want me right now?"_

I felt Siobhan's hand cup the back of my neck as she tried to pull me forward.

I pulled back and slapped her thigh just hard enough that is stung.

_"Shit!"_ she hissed as she lifted her hands above her head.

_"That's better...all this time must have made you forget the rules."_

She whimpered...she actually fucking whimpered as I cupped her.

_"Please?"_

And there was the begging.

I dipped one finger inside of her but didn't move it.

_"Please what?"_

_"Fuck...please baby...make me cum. I need you so much!"_

My chest filled with pride as I looked up at her. Her lips were caught between her teeth as she tried to grind against my hand.

I wouldn't torture her any longer.

I laid down on my stomach and pulled up her legs so that they were resting on my shoulders.

The smell of her intoxicated me. I placed a kiss just on the tip of her clit and she hissed again. I didn't give her time to whine as I sucked it into my mouth.

She was drenched as I thrust my tongue inside of her and then brought it up to dance over her clit while I moved three on my fingers inside of her.

_"Yyyyyyessssssss! Oh sweet Gggggg...Yes!"_

I looked up at her and could see that she was watching me. She held tight to the headboard as she tried not to touch my head.

It was an instinct but I didn't like it.

Ever.

_"Did you miss me baby?"_ I whispered as I dropped small kisses all over her clit.

_"Fuck...yes!"_

_"Cum for me."_

After that I attacked her clit, sucking and nibbling on it as she rocked against my face and fingers.

_"F-Francis!"_ she screamed as she came around my fingers.

Looking up into her face, wrapped in a bliss that I had created made me feel so warm inside.

_"I love you so fucking much!"_ I said as I moved up her body. I laid against her and slowly moved my soaked fingers up to her clit and began to make small circles.

_"I-I love you so much."_ she whispered as I worked her up towards another orgasm. She wrapped an arm around me and kissed the side of my face.

This was my favorite place in the world.

And even with all the drama of life...I always trusted in the fact that I was loved.

Siobhan's body went stiff as she came again. I rested my hand on her stomach and looked up into her eyes.

_"Thank you for loving me Siobhan."_

_"Thank you for letting me."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

We were just a few miles from the city when Ana put her turn signal on and headed towards the exit.

I pushed the call button on my steering wheel and quickly followed her.

She didn't answer at first but then just as it was about to go to voicemail, she picked up.

_"Hey." _

_"What's going on? We're almost there?"_

_"I need to pull over."_

_"Are you okay?"_

_"I really need to touch you right now."_

_"Um...okay?"_

She pulled into a restaurant parking lot and parked.

She didn't even say goodbye. She just turned her car off and climbed out onto the icy ground.

I pulled into the spot next to her and climbed out of the car.

It was rare that Ana asked for me to touch her or hold her but when she did it was usually because she was falling apart inside.

By the time that I made it over to her, I could see that she was shaking.

And it wasn't because of the cold.

I didn't hesitate as I pulled her against me.

_"It's okay, Ana."_

She was breathing harshly as she battled through her shaking.

_"It came out of nowhere...I was just singing to the r-radio and then I was shaking and my skin was itching. I felt like I was going to throw up...I just needed this." _She rambled.

_"I'm here."_

_"Thank you so much, B." _She whispered.

_"We can beat this. Okay?"_

She nodded against me as I felt her shaking slow down a bit.

Her breathing got better and then she was hugging me back.

We stood there for a few minutes, ignoring the cold and just holding each other.

It was the most basic that we had ever been.

Ignoring the world and just trying to comfort each other.

I couldn't ask for anything more.

* * *

_"Hey, B?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"No matter what happens...we are in this together right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then none of this drama matters...right?"_

_"Right."_

She smiled as she stepped back and looked up at me.

_"I'm ready to go home."_

And just like that, her smile had returned.

It had been my touch to free her from the feeling of being trapped in her addiction.

So even though most of our drive back to the city had been spent with mixed nerves, the last few minutes were filled with acceptance and love.

We had each other and so nothing could touch us.

We were finally back to the start.

And I knew that no matter what, we would make it.

Together.

* * *

**_A/N: Wow...this was going to be a short chapter...ha! I hope you enjoyed it. Review and let me know what you think! Two more chapters to go I think._ **


	35. Chapter 35:Some Nights

_**A/N: Dear readers...I was on this deadline...today is that deadline and this bad boy isn't finished. And that's okay right? I just don't want to have brought you on this journey to then rush it in the end. That just doesn't seem fair. So we are going to go until it's done...which is soon...but not in the next two chapters. Thanks for sticking with me! :)**_

* * *

**Chapter 35: Some Nights (Fun.)**

* * *

**_We had each other and so nothing could touch us._**

**_We were finally back to the start._**

**_And I knew that no matter what, we would make it._**

**_Together._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**_December 27, 2013_**

**_Dear Henry,_**

**_What a fucking day. _**

**_I'm sorry...I don't curse here. I know that...but there is no other way to describe the way that the devil has been trying to take me down. _**

**_I'm better now though. _**

**_We just got back to the apartment...I'm home again. _**

**_Britt left me here to unpack while she goes to pick up the kids. _**

**_So much for family time with my sisters today. _**

**_So I came back to the city intending on kicking Dionne's ass again but now I found out that all my stress was for nothing. _**

**_You know how I hate having my time wasted, right?_**

**_But I guess things could be worse._**

**_I'm just...anxious, I guess._**

**_What if this doesn't work out?_**

**_What if I mess up?_**

**_I can get through this right? _**

**_I'm _****_so scared of what I'm capable of._**

**_I just...I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with life...what do I do Henry?_**

**_Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong...I need to start looking at this with optimism and not so much worry. _**

**_Being anxious wont help me be an amazing mother and wife. I have to believe in myself. _**

**_And I will..from here on out...I'm going to do this. I don't have time to waste being nervous on how to live. I am just going to do it. _**

**_See you soon,_**

**_Santana_**

* * *

Britt called to tell me that she was going food shopping with her mom and the kids, which may seem small but when you aren't trusted to be alone in New York and then all of a sudden you are...it's kind of a big deal.

I had finished unpacking the little bit of clothes that I had into my walk in closet that was probably the size of the room that I had been staying in...maybe bigger...it humbled me to know that I had been blessed with so much.

I took advantage of the opportunity of being alone to start cleaning the apartment.

Britt had been doing a great job with the kids but I could definitely tell that she hadn't been spending a whole lot of time cleaning. The place wasn't a mess but there was some clutter and dust around so I figured I would set everything in its place.

I had just finished mopping the floor when there was a knock at the door.

I had somehow trapped myself in the kitchen and ended up having to take off my socks so that I didn't wet them on the floor.

By the time that I got to the door, the knocking had stopped but I could still hear the person out there.

When I opened the door, there stood my oldest friend, in tears looking like her whole world had come crashing down but she wasn't the one that had been knocking. She wasn't alone.

There was a really attractive girl with her who looked anxious.

_"Santana?"_

_"Yea?"_

The girl put her hand out and smiled.

_"Hi...I'm sorry that we had to meet like this...I'm Gloria, Ari's girlfriend. Do you think we can come in?"_

I shook the girl's hand and then looked over at Ari.

_"Yea...just watch the floor, I just finished mopping."_

I stepped back and watched as Gloria put her arm around Ari and led her slowly into the apartment.

What the hell was going on?

I had just talked to Ari a few hours before and she was telling me how great her day was...what changed?

* * *

I led them into the kitchen and sat them down at the table.

_"Do you want anything to drink?"_

Ari looked down at her hands and nodded.

I knew what she wanted but I had been asking the girlfriend that I hadn't heard of until today.

_"I'm fine, thank you."_

I nodded and went about packing a tall glass with ice and then filling it to the top with water.

Ever since we were kids, ice water had been the thing that got Ari talking.

I never understood and she never explained it, it was just how things were for her.

Why question it?

I put the glass in front of Ari and then crouched down in front of her.

I pushed up her chin and was finally able to meet her eyes.

The look that she gave me was heartbreaking.

And immediately I started looking her over.

Had the cancer come back?

Please God...don't let her have to go through that again.

_"Talk to me, Arita."_

_"Mami...she's dying."_

I was in shock.

I sat back on my knees and looked at her in shock.

_"I don't understand...what happened?"_

_"She...it's a brain tumor...she...has a month left...maybe."_

Ari wasn't crying anymore.

Now she was just staring into my eyes and willing me to say the right thing.

But there was nothing to say.

Words weren't going to fix this.

So I did the only thing that I knew how to do, I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her.

She rested her head on my shoulder and sobbed against it.

There are two people in this world that it breaks my heart to hear cry like this.

One is Britt and the other is Ari.

So it wasn't long before I was crying right along with her.

And that is how Q and Britt found us a couple minutes later.

A sobbing mess in the kitchen.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"That was a really sweet way to propose, B."_

_"Yea? You don't think it was too soon?"_

_"There are no rules when it comes to you and San...you know that. You two just...have an epic love. It's what I hope for...and I think I've found that in Celia."_

_"That's sweet."_

_"Mom...Izzy peed." _I turned in my seat and could see that Beth was pointing at Izzy's pants_._

_"Beth honey its not nice to point." _

Beth crossed turned away and started to play with Dani, it drove my crazy when she ignored me. At those moments she was just like Puck, even though he never believes me when I tell him that she gets that from him.

_"Did he pee?" _

I looked at my sleeping godson and could see that his jeans were soaked.

Luckily we were almost back to the apartment.

_"Yea B...he definitely did and he doesn't even know it."_

_"He's going to be really upset about that when he wakes up. Luckily...we are here."_

Britt pulled into the parking garage and I smiled when I saw Beth clapping her hands together.

I thanked God every day that I was getting a second chance to be in her life.

Puck was doing a great job raising her and she loved him to pieces.

Shelby still had rights to her because legally she was still her mother but she wasn't getting in my way of being a mom to Beth.

Maybe someday I will try to get my right back but for now I am actually glad that I have the opportunity to walk away when I need to.

Not that I do it very often.

Living with Puck and Beth has been the biggest blessing of my life.

I get to see her everyday and its an amazing experience.

Never did I think that Puck would turn out to be so responsible and good with her.

He works really hard to be a good dad to her even while being in the police academy and working a security job at night.

I love my little girl so much.

I had definitely come a long way.

* * *

Britt held Izzy's hand as he walked uncomfortably onto the elevator. _  
_

Beth stood beside him holding his other hand and kept whispering to him.

I held Dani tightly as she snored lightly on my shoulder.

Britt looked exhausted and when Izzy started whining as the elevator began to climb up to the twentieth floor she let out a heavy sigh.

_"It's okay Izzy."_

Britt said as she crouched down in front of him.

He shook his head at her and had tears in his eyes.

_"I peed, Mama. I bad."_

_"You're not bad Izzy...it was an accident."_

He put his hands across his chest and all I could see was San, right down to the big sad eyes, even though they were a different color he still looked like her in almost every way. He also was headed for a tantrum. One where he was going to stand there until Britt agreed with him that he was a bad boy.

_"Pick him up, B."_

Britt nodded and pulled him into her arms.

He hung onto her tightly and buried his head against her neck.

I felt so bad for him.

He was seriously upset and embarrassed.

_"I can't wait to get inside, the other night this happened and Ana got him to calm right down."_ Britt whispered as we stepped out into the hallway.

_"Yea...I can't wait to see her and that ring on her finger."_

* * *

The moment that we got inside I could hear the crying vibrating through the apartment.

Britt looked at me with wide eyes before she walked to the kitchen.

She stood there in the doorway holding a crying Izzy on her shoulder.

I stepped up beside her and could see that the crying was louder in here.

What shocked me though was that the tears were Ari's.

_"Britt...um...let me take Izzy." _I put Dani down on her feet next to Beth._ "Beth...take Dani and play in her room okay.  
_

_"Okay, Mom." _Beth took Dani's hand and slowly walked with her towards her room.

Thank God for her.

Britt tried to hand me Izzy but he was clinging to her.

_"No...I want Mami!" _He screamed.

San stood to her feet and brushed the tears from Ari's cheeks.

_"We are going to make it through this...okay?"  
_

Ari nodded and then looked over to B.

_"I'm sorry that I showed up like this." _She whispered._ "We will just go."  
_

_"No...you are staying here. Just let me get the kids down for a nap and then we can talk, okay?" _San insisted.

_"Okay."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Ana wiped at her tears and then took Izzy from my arms.

Seeing him go to her instead of me hurt a little bit but I could see that she needed him as much as he needed her.

_"B...can we talk?" _She whispered before walking off to Izzy's room.

I nodded and then turned towards Quinn.

_"Can you just keep an eye out on things out here...I'll check in on the girls." I said. _

She nodded and headed straight to the kitchen, hopefully what ever it was she could at least help.

And who was the stranger with Ari?

_"Britt?!" _Ana yelled down the hallway.

_"Coming." _

I pushed away my curiosity and walked towards our son's room hoping the news wasn't that bad...like cancer again.

* * *

When I got to the room, Izzy was sitting naked in his bed while Ana got his towel and a few toys.

She smiled at me and then whistled a melody.

Izzy tried to make the sound but it definitely wasn't a whistle.

_"Bath time, Papa."_

Izzy jumped to his feet and took Ana's hand.

_"Yay!"_ He said as he jumped in place next to his Mami.

_"He never gets that excited with me."_ I muttered as I followed them into the bathroom across the hall.

_"I think it has more to do with the fact that he hates the feeling of being dirty, B...I used to get the same way after Cheerios remember?"_

_"Yea...you're right. He totally gets that from you." _

Ana let out a laugh as she nodded her head.

_"Definitely."_

Izzy got settled in his bath seat in the center of the tub while we watched it fill up.

He was already having a conversation with Elmo and ignoring us, so Ana used the opportunity to fill me in.

_"Ari just found out her mom is dying...she doesn't have much time left. It's a brain tumor."_

My heart dropped.

This was heartbreaking.

There were nights after rehearsals when I would find Ari sitting in a corner staring down at her phone...her finger was always lingering over her mom's phone number or pictures.

_"Wow...I wish there was something that we could do."_

_"Actually...there is something. It will take some string pulling but I think that we can do it."_

_"Okay...what did you have in mind?"_

_"Ari's mom is...a lot like my Abuela but that's just because she had to put off her dreams. She always wanted to do exactly what Ari is doing right now...she wanted to be a dancer on Broadway. The closest that she ever got to New York after moving from the Dominican Republic was Ohio...maybe we can make that dream come true?"_

I looked at the woman that I loved and felt my heart melt.

I don't care what Santana Lopez says, she's really just a big softy.

_"That's a great idea...I'm going to call Frankie. Yell if you need me!" _

Ana nodded and then turned back and began to wash up Izzy.

I loved the idea but I wanted to go a step further...hopefully, people would be willing to help.

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

_"Righ...yes...fuck! Yessss!" _

My phone began to ring and I reached blindly for it after coming down from my orgasm.

Siobhan smiled up at me before crawling up next to me and resting her head on my chest.

_"Hello?" _My voice came out strained and scratchy.

_"Oh, I know that sound. I'm sorry...did you finish or should I call back?"_

With anyone else I swear I would be offended but I knew that Brittany meant no harm.

_"Yes, Brittany, I came. Thanks for asking."_

_"Your welcome."_

Siobhan snickered and then burrowed deeper next to me and yawned.

_"So what's going on?" _

My wife was halfway to a nap and I wanted to follow.

It had been a long couple days but now the time was flying by and she was supposed to be leaving tonight.

_"It's Ari. There's a problem."_

* * *

When I took over for Brittany, I was really just supposed to be her substitute but then she auditioned and everyone fell in love with her again.

Frank was worried about her though and so kept me on as a consultant.

He was tired of dealing directly with Brittany and Tony so I was the go between.

So even though I just supervised things...I was still her boss.

Even if we never really acknowledged it.

Things were working out between us.

Everything was running smoother and the show was well on it's way to being ready for opening day in a week.

So when she told me there was a problem with our lead dancer...it made me shoot up in bed, knocking Siobhan off of me and nearly onto the floor.

_"What's wrong?" _

Siobhan scrambled on the edge of the bed and then looked back at me with a glare.

_"I'll be with the baby." _She whispered angrily before leaving the room.

I knew she wasn't mad at me but it still made me feel insanely guilty.

* * *

_"Her mom has a brain tumor and they don't think she is going to live very long..."_

I gasped as I thought of how broken up over this Ari probably was, would this ruin her ability to perform?

Would she need time off?

I felt so incredibly selfish but these were things to think about and at least I wasn't saying them out loud to her face...right?

_"That's...terrible."_

_"Yea it is...so the reason I'm calling is because Ana and I had an idea."_

_"Okay?"_

_"Do you think that maybe...we can open early...just for her mom...it was like her dream to be on Broadway and she is the reason that Ari became a dancer. Do you think that you can talk to Frank?"_

_"Fuck...yes...of course...we can do that. I'll call you back."_

_"Thank you Frankie."_

_"Don't thank me yet, we have to see how Frank is going to take the news of all of it."_

_"I know you can work your magic. That's why you are one of my favorite unicorns."_

_"Thanks, Britt."_

_"Of course...now get to calling...I have someone else to call."_

_"Oh...um...okay. I'll call you soon."_

_"You said that already."_

_"Fine...bye."_

_"Bye!"_

* * *

If there was one thing that I knew about Frank was that he loves Ariana Soto something fierce.

That man would crawl on rusty nails just to make her smile.

He wanted to fire Brittany on the spot but it was Ari, I later found out that went to Frank and begged him to just listen to what Britt had to say.

So when I called him and told him what I wanted to do...he said that he would make it happen without hesitation.

He told me that he would call August and Tony and tell them to get their asses in line. To get their guys together...my only job was to make sure Brittany did the same.

I'm not sure why he dislikes her so much but I had no problem doing that.

Now we just needed to get it done because Frank wanted to do it for New Years.

So we had four days to put on a Broadway production.

God help us.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Can you play for me?" _

Britt had decided that there was just too much going on at the apartment and decided that she was going to take Quinn home.

Thankfully, Quinn offered to take Daniela for the night, her excuse was that Beth could use the company, but I knew the truth was that she could see just how overwhelmed I was.

Isaac was taking a nap in his room, so it was just me Ari and Gloria sitting around.

Gloria was explaining how she had almost become a nun to me when Ari cut her off and asked me to play a song for her.

_"Anything you want, Arita. Do you want to hear a specific song?"_

_"The song...the one you wrote for me."_

Gloria's eyebrows raised as she looked from me to Ari and then she suddenly stood.

_"I'm going to use the restroom...where is it?"_

I pointed down the hallway.

_"Second door on your left."_

_"Thanks." _

Ari was oblivious to the hurt in her girlfriend's eyes, but I had seen it.

I didn't want to come in between them, especially since Ari went through so much trouble of keeping her from me.

She must be special, Ari was just not herself and was reaching out for old comforts.

I got up from the couch and made my way over the long gate towards my piano.

I had only played it once and so I was dying to play it again.

Ari didn't move like she used to.

Normally, she would either dance next to the piano or sit on the bench beside me.

But when I looked over my shoulder she was curled up in the recliner with one of Daniela's teddy bears and trying her best not to cry.

* * *

This was such a touch situation.

I had lost a parent, so I understood it but sometimes I think that it hurts less when you know it's coming.

At least then you expect it.

But with Papi and Brenda and the boys...Ian, Abuela and Marco.

Each time that I lost someone that I didn't expect to lose...it dug into me.

This was probably a bit of both.

Ari hadn't expected for things to go south with her mom so soon in her life.

Her mom was younger than mine so she couldn't be out of her forties yet.

But now she had a week to get used to the idea.

What am I saying?

It's still hard.

I closed my eyes and rested my fingers on the keys lightly.

I heard Gloria shuffle back into the room but I didn't pay any mind to it.

This song had been one of the first that I had ever composed so it was a little pretentious but for someone like Ari that could move to any kind of music, even the music of the street, it was perfect.

It started off at a quick pace and then worked it's way down tempo before swinging between up and down tempo.

Moving one hand faster than the other, mixing the sounds had always been a favorite of mine.

This was the first time that I was playing with my sore knuckles and I could actually feel my skin pulling taut as I moved my fingers.

But for Ari...I would do this...pain be damned.

The song was an exhausting eight minutes long but I didn't shorten it.

I heard the door open and close but I didn't stop.

* * *

Even without turning from the piano though, I could feel Brittany.

In fact, I could always feel her presence.

Now though, as I sat playing my music, it was more apparent to me that she was hovering just behind me.

I looked up at her reflection in the window and could see that her eyes were closed and she was swaying from side to side.

She was trying to hold back from dancing.

It made me smile to see her looking so peaceful.

What was even more amazing was that in that very instant...I realized that this was all happening just how it was supposed to.

This up hill battle that we had been fighting was finally making some sense to me.

I loved Britt so much more than life.

She was everything to me that I couldn't be to myself.

I was her rock and she was mine.

As I finished out the song, I turned towards Ari and could see that she had passed out.

Gloria was covering her with a blanket and brushing her hair out of her face.

I looked up at Britt and could see her clenching and unclenching her fists.

It had been a while since I had seen her do that.

And it made me smile.

* * *

I closed the cover of the piano and stood to my feet.

Britt was still clenching her hands and so I stepped closer and opened my arms to her.

The first time that I had seen Britt trying not to throw herself at me had been when I had introduced her to my parents.

I wasn't out yet and she knew it.

She had wanted to hug me so bad but wasn't sure if she could.

It happened every once in a while still but never since we had moved to New York.

_"Come here, Britt Britt."_

That was all the assurance that she needed before wrapping her arms around me and pulling me close.

Her body was shaking as she tried to control her breathing.

It was taking everything in her to not cry.

She just seemed so overwhelmed.

_"I just...I wanted a perfect day."_ She whispered quietly against my ear.

_"I know."_ I nodded as I felt the heat of her skin touch mine.

_"I just want everyone to be happy, Ana."_

_"Me too, B."_

_"Is there a way?"_

I pulled back and looked up into her eyes.

_"We just have to live, B. Through it all we just have to get up and live. Everyday is a struggle and sometimes you aren't going to want to get up. But you have to get up and move through it, hoping along the way that you will have some amazing moments. Enjoying your blessings, our children...us. We are in this...and I'm not backing down."_

_"Thank you." _

Britt pulled me against her again and gently swayed us to the music in her head.

Even in this time of sorrow...we were still finding our way to connect.

And that was what was important.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"I need your help."_

_"What do you need, babe?"_

_"Money."_

Celia's eyebrows rose.

Never in all the time that we had known each other, had I asked for a single penny.

But this was different.

_"Money? For what?"_

_"It's for San...she-"_

Celia looked at me with rage in her eyes as she sat up on the bed and cut off my explanation.

_"She was cut off from the money...if she needs it...she should take it up with Sandra. I'm not getting in that shit they have between them, not again."_

_"No...well...look. She was too ashamed to ask Sandra but I know that you would help her. If you knew why."_

_"Do I want to know? Please just tell me that it's not drugs."_

_"It's not drugs. If it was, do you think that I would even ask?"_

_"You make a good point."_

_"Of course I do."_

_"So tell me then, why does my baby sister need money."_

I watched Celia's face closely as I told her all about what had happened, how San wanted to help and just how devastated Ari was. She had furrowed her brow just like all the Lopez sisters liked to do and then she began to nod in agreement.

_"That's really sweet of her...ok...I'm in. How much do you need?"_

I threw my arms around Celia's neck and kissed her face all over. She held onto my hips and ground against me.

She had just started nipping at my neck when I heard a thud and then crying coming from across the hall_._

_"Shit...the baby!"_

I nearly broke my neck as I ran towards Beth's room. Celia was close behind me as I pushed the door open and rushed to Dani.

She was laying on her stomach in the center of the floor screaming while Beth sat on the edge of the bed with her hands firmly over her ears.

I picked up Dani and could immediately see that she had a swollen lip.

There was a little blood and I freaked out a little.

_"Shit!"_ I said as I wiped at it with my sleeve.

_"Why is my baby crying?"_

* * *

I turned quickly to see San standing in the doorway.

She pushed past Celia and reached out for Dani.

Watching Santana Lopez, kiss and caress her baby's back was still shocking even after all these years. It just seemed like one of those things that you would never imagine.

_"You okay, Mamita? Hmmm? Did you fall? Was Dama too busy with Titi to notice you can't sleep in a bed like that without the proper support?"_

I glared at her and she just winked at me as she continued to talk sweetly to Dani.

Luckily the fall hadn't been too bad and it looked like she a rug burn more than anything else.

She kissed Dani's lips and then wiped away her tears.

_"Ty eeeee!"_ She cried out and when San looked at me in confusion it dawned on me that she hasn't really put Dani to sleep at night in months.

_"She wants her teddy...which is at home."_ I shrugged.

San smiled as she crouched down in front of Beth.

_"Hey little B."_

_"Hi Aunty Tana."_

_"So Aunty B invited you and your mom over for a big sleep over tonight. Do you want to come?"_

_"Is Izzy there?"_

_"Yes he is."_

_"Okay...yes please."_

I smiled when I saw my daughter hurriedly start looking for her shoes.

With Beth distracted, San walked over to us with a newly sleeping baby in her arms.

_"So...Gloria and I came to see if you wanted to come tonight. Ari needs to be surrounded by her family right now and we have become just that to her since she got disowned. So I'm pulling all my resources. I wish Rachel were here."_

I chuckled and shook my head, I never thought that I would hear her say those words.

_"I think maybe you are enough for Gloria at the moment. You don't want to throw Ari's ex into the mix."_ I chuckled.

_"And her ex's ex is better?"_ Celia said happily as she leaned in and kissed my cheek.

_"Look San, we will come but probably in a cab. It's just easier."_

_"Fine...are you ready Beth?"_

Beth stood with her coat on and Dani's in her hands.

She smiled up at me and then walked over and hugged my legs.

_"Are you coming, Mom?"_

_"I'll be there soon, sweetheart."_

_"Okay, Aunty Tana...I'm ready."_

San nodded and then ran her fingers through Beth's hair softly.

_"So Q...don't forget her stuff...toothbrush...clothes. Maybe a few days worth."_

_"Oh...yea...sure."_ I said.

_"Good see you soon! Mami's bringing over bacon fritters..."_

My mouth watered immediately and I swallowed as my stomach grumbled.

San chuckled as she left the room and then a few moments later, the apartment.

* * *

_"That was kind of odd."_ Celia said as she rummaged through the linen closet, in search of an overnight bag. _"I mean...how are they going to fit everyone in their apartment?"_

_"Have you seen their place? It's massive...besides, it's just a night or two. I feel like we have kind of failed Ari as a friend. She always gets pushed to the side even though she is the one that gets San the most. San trusts her more than she trusts anyone else...almost more than Brittany. She got disowned and none of us was there for her. We didn't even think to invite her for Christmas...so maybe now we can make up for that."_ I said as I began to pull clothes for Beth from drawers.

_"Man...when you put it like that. I guess we have all kind of been forgetting her. She has known my sister longer than anyone. Including me. You're right baby."_

_"I'm always right."_

_"Yea?"_

I was walking into the hallway with Beth's bag over my shoulder when all of a sudden I felt Celia pressed against my back.

She kept walking against me until I was flush against the wall.

_"What are you doing?"_ I whispered as I felt her hands slide up the back of my shirt.

_"I want to see just how right you are."_

I chuckled as I tried to swat her hands away.

We really didn't have time for this.

_"We have to get to San's."_

_"No...we have time."_

_"No we don't."_

_"See...I think you're wrong about that."_

She began to kiss my neck as she unhooked my bra.

_"Ceily...baby."_ I moaned as she moved her fingers to my nipples and began to roll them.

_"I think we have time, Luce...don't you?"_

Her warm breath traced the edge of my ear as she whispered.

Every part of me was attuned to her touch.

I felt like I was on fire as she moved one of her hands straight down and into my jeans.

She made sure to keep my flat against the wall and so I had no choice but to keep my hands pressed against it.

_"I don't."_ I whispered...more to just argue with her than to prove a point.

I didn't care how long San waited at this point.

* * *

My lust had taken over my brain.

_"Really...because I think you are about to cum any second."_

_"No."_ I whined.

She moved her fingers through my little curls and straight down to my entrance.

_"Do you want me to stop?"_

Her fingers hovered there, holding me but unmoving.

It was torture.

_"Please...just...don't stop."_

_"Tell me we have time."_

I laughed in frustration and then nodded.

She pressed her whole hand down but didn't move it more than that.

_"Out loud."_

_"Fuck...yes...we h-have time. Please?"_ I felt like crying.

She began to kiss my neck and then with no further ado she entered me swiftly.

_"You're so wet."_ She said just before nibbling on my ear.

_"That's what you do to me."_ I moaned as I ground down against her fingers.

_"Yea?"_

_"Fuck...yes...please...do it or I will do it myself."_ I banged my hands against the wall in frustration.

She didn't say a word because she knew that I was serious.

I let my head fall back against her shoulder as she began to work my clit and then when I was almost there, she changed course and put her fingers inside of me.

_"You close baby?"_

_"Please?"_ I was begging now.

My skin was hot and sticky as I tried my best to grind down on her hand.

I moved my head forwards and banged it against the wall.

Celia knows my limits and this was definitely it.

The game was cute but it was over.

She knew better.

_"Okay Luce...cum for me."_ She whispered as her fingers went at lightening speed.

I felt my knees buckle but her arm held me up as she held me tightly against her.

_"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...yesssss."_ I shuddered and fell boneless against her as my orgasm washed through me. _"I love you."_

_"I love you too, Luce. I want this...you and me like this forever."_

_"So do I."_

And no truer words were spoken.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"I shouldn't be talking to you right now."_

_"But you are."_

_"You just don't get it."_

_"What is there to get, Brittany?"_

_"The world is in chaos just outside my bedroom door and I'm in my room on the phone with you."_

_"You called me."_

_"I know." _

I pressed my palms against my eyes in frustration.

What was I doing?

I sat on the window seat over looking the city with the phone between my shoulder and ear as I yelled at myself in my head.

_"Why?"_

_"Because...I...I don't want to bother Ana."_

_"You can't keep running to me, it's just not fair to me and it isn't fair to her."_

_"I know...it's just...it was supposed to be a happy day. So why am I not happy?"_

_"I think that is a question that only you can answer."_

_"I knew that's what you would say."_

_"Well...then go out there and deal with the chaos and when you feel like this again...go to Santana. You picked her right?"_

_"I always will."_

_"And you love her?"_

_"With all my heart and soul."_

_"And she loves you?"_

_"Always."_

_"Then you need to stop this...it's a bad habit and if I was her it would really break my heart."_

_"What bad habit?"_

_"This...what you are doing right now. You always seek out other people instead of the woman that you love. She is the person that is supposed to stand by you forever in good and bad. And from what I have seen...when you need her...she is there. Always. So why do you run away from that?"_

_"I don't...crap...Grady you are so right!" _

It was like a light bulb went off in my head.

Had that always been my problem?

Of course she has trust issues.

I haven't really given her enough to trust me.

_"Good...now...I'm going to hang up and I want you to be honest with her. Tell her you called me. Don't keep secrets Britt. You told me how bad it used to make you feel when she did it...so be honest."_

_"Okay."_

_"Promise me."_

_"I promise."_

_"Good night, Brittany."_

_"Good night, Grady."_

* * *

I put my phone down and wiped at my eyes.

The tears were burning on my face.

There was a knock on the door and I took a deep breath.

_"Come in." _I choked out.

I cleared my throat after hearing just how scratchy it was.

There was no one else in the apartment but Ari and Izzy so I knew that it had to be Ari.

Ana wouldn't knock and Izzy would have just banged his hands over and over.

The door creaked and then I heard her soft footsteps.

Ari looked like she had just woken up as she sat across from me on the window seat.

_"Am I interrupting you?"_

_"No...how are you?"_ I immediately felt stupid.

Of course she wasn't doing well.

She tried to smile but it fell as tears filled her eyes.

_"It hurts."_

_"We are doing everything we can to make this easier."_

_"How?"_ She sniffled and wiped her nose on her sleeve.

Ana would cringe but I smiled because this was supposed to be her soul mate...I guess she isn't that perfect.

I couldn't help my smile even though when someone is dying people don't normally smile.

I just couldn't help it.

_"I think Ana should be the one to tell you."_

_"Where is she?"_

_"She went to go get the baby. She should be back soon."_

_"Oh."_

_"She took Gloria with her...something about bonding."_

Ari smiled a little bit and it was good to see.

_"I thought she just left...without saying bye."_

_"Nope...she went back to your room to get you some clothes and is coming back here."_

_"I'm sorry about all this Brittany. I know that you just wanted to come home and it be just you guys and the kids. I ruined it, huh?"_

_"No."_

_"You have been crying, Brittany." _She reached forward and brushed her fingers across my cheeks and then showed them to me. They were wet. _"Tell me what's wrong...is it me? Should I go?"_

She looked so hurt.

But it wasn't her.

None of this was her fault.

_"No...you are staying here. It's not you. I swear...it's me. I'm all screwed up."_

_"Why? Did you do something? Please...tell me you haven't done anything?"_

She looked anxious now.

_"No...I haven't done anything...at least...not yet and hopefully not anymore."_

_"You just proposed...you weren't planning to cheat on Anita...were you?"_

_"No. Well not in the sexy way."_

_"You lost me Britt."_

_"Grady...he-"_

Ari clenched her fists tight and then looked away out the window.

I knew that it was hard for her to be my friend when she loves Ana but she always managed to be there for me.

Even when no one else cared enough to listen.

She was a true friend.

Even if she didn't always like what I had to say, I knew that she wouldn't say anything to Ana.

She would just bug me until I did.

Maybe that was something that I needed?

_"I just don't get what you see in him." _Ari whispered.

Up until now she had never told me how she felt about Grady and in fact she was nice to him most days.

_"I thought you liked him?"_

_"I have to work with him. I have to get along with him. If something happens to Tucker then he will be my male lead. I can't very well hate him...can I?"_

_"I guess you're right."_

_"Look...it's just, you were in such a dark place and it really scared me. I didn't know if I would find you dead sometimes. I love you...you are a part of me. You saved my life. It's your blood in my body...so you and I are attached. I don't want to see you hurt...Anita loves you so much and I don't want to see her hurt either."_

_"Why would I be hurt?" _

We both froze as we turned towards the open door.

Ana was standing there with Dani in her arms looking straight at me.

She looked like she was building up her walls to protect against what I wanted to say.

_"And you say I have crazy timing." _

I tried to joke.

But Ana just looked at me with that serious look on her face but her eyes looked terrified.

_"What would hurt me?" She turned her eyes to Ari finally and stared at her a little softer._

_"Nothing...not yet. Just...this isn't a conversation I should be a part of. How about I take the baby?"_

Ari stood up but then came over to me and pulled me into her arms.

She held me against her and then whispered against my ear.

_"Talk to her, Brittany. Be honest with her, promise me?"_

God must be talking to me through people.

That was the second person that wanted me to promise being honest.

Did I lie that much to Ana?

Did everyone see that?

Why am I so screwed up?

_"I promise."_

* * *

_"Should I be worried?"_

Ana sat just in front of me on the window seat. She took my hands in hers and lightly traced the lines on my palm.

I could tell by the heat of her hands that she was becoming really nervous.

Her fingers trembled as she stopped her tracing and looked up at me, waiting for an answer.

_"No."_ I answered honestly.

_"Talk to me, Britt Britt."_

_"I called Grady when you left."_ I whispered as I looked into her brown eyes.

I expected to see hurt there but she just looked curious.

_"Okay...why?"_

_"I wasn't really sure but he knew why and then he told me something about myself that I don't think that I have ever seen before."_

She began tracing the lines on my hand again as she looked in my eyes.

She had a tiny smile on her face and it made me smile a little bit.

_"So are you going to tell me what he said?"_

_"He told me that I...when I feel lost...or just confused like I do now...I run to everyone but you."_

_Ana nodded and then took a shaky hand and brushed her hair out of her face. _

_"Yea...and it's my fault that you do it."_

_"It is?"_

_Now I was really confused._

_"Yea...I guess that's why I don't let it upset me...or at least I try to not let it get to me."_

_"But it does...it bothers you?"_

_"Of course it does, B. Didn't it bother you every time I would go to Quinn or Ian instead of you?"_

_"It hurt so much when you couldn't lean on me."_

_"Same here."_

_"Why didn't you ever say anything?"_

_"Because like I said...it was my fault that you started doing that in the first place."_

_"It's not your fault."_

_"It is...and I knew the moment that we sat in We Lime Bistro...so so long ago...that when I told you about Marco...when I told you about this huge secret that you didn't know about, even though you were my girlfriend, I knew that it would change what we had. It would change the way we loved. And I was right."_

_"That's how long it's been like this?"_

_"You tell me Britt...before that morning, had you ever thought you would cheat on me?"_

I closed my eyes and thought back to that morning, about how much hurt I felt.

_"When I left you...I went home and I cried so hard. I hated you so much. I felt like you ripped my heart out and stepped all over it. I mean I saw it in my head. Which made it worse and then after that everything went so fast, and then you were engaged and leaving me for the summer. We didn't have time to figure it out or talk about it...so I had to go to Quinn and then Finn...and then...Rachel."_

Ana looked at me for a long time and then down at our hands.

_"Rachel? Did you sleep with her back then?"_

_"No...I didn't cheat...not until Frankie."_

_"I wouldn't be mad you know...if you told me it happened."_

Ana didn't believe me and it stung.

She looked at me like she was waiting for me to rip her apart.

_"But it didn't happen. I swear it."_

She nodded and then looked out the window quietly.

_"You know...those videos that you showed me...if you hadn't...I don't think I would have said yes to marrying you."_

She still looked away from me.

It was like me and the videos...some things were just easier to say when you didn't look at a person.

_"Wow...that hurts to hear."_

_"Yea...well...I can't lie to you. I was starting to think that you lost your heart...that you were like ice. So seeing you like that...like you are now...it reminds me that you love me. It shows me the girl I fell in love with...because you don't show her to me much."_

_"I do."_ I said as I looked at the side of her face._ "Please look at me?" _

She took a deep breath and then met my eyes even though I could tell that she really didn't want to.

Her eyes were completely dry but I could tell that she wanted to cry so badly.

_"I love you so much, Britt Britt...that's why I said yes. This though...the fact that you are still running to Grady...when I'm here with you, that's why I need space."_

_"What do I need to do to change your mind?"_

She smirked at me and raised an eyebrow.

_"Just give me my Britt Britt back."_

_"I'm right here." _

_"For now...but that's because someone pointed it out. I want to see your smile...I want to feel like I have you. Like you aren't going to dump me again. I feel...fuck...I feel really insecure Britt. It's something I hate about us...how you always break me down to this shell of myself. I hate doubting myself. I hate doubting what we have."_

_"What does this mean?"_

_"It just means...I just want you to be honest with me all the time. Please? Nobody should have to point it out you. You tell me that you trust me but then you don't share yourself with me...I want that girl in those videos all the time. Because I know...in my heart that she is in you right now...I know that watching those videos brought some of those emotions back. I've known all day long and I have been waiting for you to come to me."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"No. I don't want an apology. Britt...I just want you to feel like you can trust me with all of you."_

_"I-"_

She shook her head.

_"I want you to really think about it before you tell me that you do."_

I closed my eyes and thought about things.

I felt the pillows shift and opened one eyes.

Ana was up on her feet with her arms crossed over her chest and looking at me with sad eyes.

_"I do trust you."_ I whispered.

_"Not with your whole heart."_

_"But I want to."_

_"Yea well I want to not be addicted to drugs but I can't get rid of that so easily, can I?"_

That's when I noticed that she was trying to trap her shaking hands against her body.

She was rocking back and forth but she didn't want me to touch her.

But I reached out anyway.

I pressed my hand to her cheek and then slowly stood to my feet.

Sometimes Ana was shockingly similar to Lord Tubbington...you have to approach them quietly and slowly.

This was one of those moments, although if I told Ana...she would probably be pissed to be compared to her least favorite animal.

She was watching me closely and probably knew what I was about to do but she didn't stop me.

Because as upset as she was...it had always been hard for her to resist me.

* * *

I pressed my other hand to her other cheek and then stepped up against her body.

Now that I was touching her, I could feel just how badly she was shaking.

She was getting really good at disguising it.

It made me wonder how many times she had been like this and I had thought she was fine.

I didn't bother to ask her permission as I pressed my lips to her forehead.

Her breathing got faster as I moved over her face and kept pressing kisses to her hot skin.

_"B."_ She whispered.

_"Shh...just...feel me. Okay?"_

She nodded.

I moved my hands down to her crossed arms and pulled them apart.

Now she was open to me.

She looked helpless now but I wouldn't let her fall.

Ever again.

I took her arms and pulled them around my waist.

She rested her hands on my hips and I could feel the tremble that they had.

But I didn't show that I noticed.

I traced my fingers along her jaw and then finally dipped my head just enough so that our lips were just a few breaths apart.

_"B?"_

She whispered again.

"_I trust you and I want you to trust in me. Trust that I am going to let you in."_

I said just before kissing her.

There was so much that I just couldn't form into words but I was glad that I had gotten that out.

She hurt because of what I hadn't been giving her.

There was so much to say and so much that I needed to set things right again.

I wanted to promise her the world even though she didn't want it.

She just wanted me.

And even though I couldn't give her a long proper, Rachel speech, I could give her me.

So as I kissed her with everything I had.

Because I knew that if I put all of my emotions behind that kiss that she would get it, she would get me and understand what I wanted to do.

And so I put my heart on the line without fear.

Because I knew she would catch it and protect it.

I opened myself to her even though it scared me so much to do it.

She needed this.

And I would give it to her.

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

_"I'm here...so where is Britt?"_

I walked into the apartment behind Celia and Quinn to find Ari and this mystery girlfriend making a huge fort in the living room.

There was a ton of stuff and it looked like fun.

Siobhan had decided to stay at home with the baby and so I was all alone.

I was kind of glad about it because as much as I love my son...it's good to know that I can leave him in such amazing hands.

Ari smiled and then brought a finger to her lips.

_"Britt is finally opening up to Anita...so why don't we just start backing cookies or something."_

Because we were here for Ari, none of us wanted to argue with her.

So we just finished helping her set up the living room and then we made our way into the kitchen.

Britt had been having issues sharing with Santana for what felt like an eternity.

And I knew that I had something to do with that.

I was sure of it in fact.

But I wanted them to work out.

They loved each other so much that it seemed crazy for them to love anyone else.

I couldn't see that at first but now...I knew it to be true because that's how I felt about Siobhan.

* * *

_"Cookies!"_ Beth came bouncing into the room and climbed up on the chair next to me.

_"Hey there kiddo...it's been a while since I've seen you. How are you?"_

_"Good. How about you?"_

I smiled as I listened to her manners.

Quinn had definitely rubbed off on her.

_"Fine, thank you."_ I said as I began to mix the bowl I had in front of me. _"Would you like to pour the chocolate chips in?"_

Beth looked across the table at Quinn.

_"Can I?"_

Quinn nodded and then pushed the plastic cup that was filled to the top with them over to her little twin.

It felt good to be around Beth...I missed my son and so her being there right beside me really helped.

_"Frankie can you help her?"_

* * *

Everyone was laughing and Ari looked like her old self as she danced around the kitchen quietly.

Beth was helping me mix the batter with our hands when there were small footsteps into the kitchen.

_"Dama...where is Mami?"_ I looked over and could see Isaac looking up at Quinn with big watery eyes.

_"Come here you. I'll take you."_ Quinn picked him up and he smiled as he looked around the kitchen before hugging Quinn.

_"Thank you."_ He said sweetly.

I hope that Santana and Brittany both realize just how blessed they are to have such amazing kids.

They just need to work their stuff out and while we were all here to surround Ari with our love, they still needed to focus on their marriage.

A few minutes later, Britt came into the room carrying Isaac with a smile on her face.

_"Well look who decided to join us!"_ I chuckled as she walked over and hugged me.

_"I'm glad you could come...where's the wife?"_

_"She leaves in the morning...she just wanted to spend tonight with the baby. She'll bring him by in the morning before heading to meet her teammate at the airport."_

_"Good."_

Beth was wrapped up in making little balls of batter and so I used the opportunity to check on my friend.

_"Is everything alright?"_

_"It will be."_

_"Do you want to talk about it?"_

Britt shook her head and then smiled with tears in her eyes, even if she didn't birth Isaac, the look on his face a few minutes ago and hers now were identical.

_"I can't talk about it."_

_"Okay...well if you decide to...I'm here."_

_"Thanks Frankie...lets just...have fun tonight...okay?"_

_"Is that a challenge?"_

_"I think so."_

_"Well then challenge accepted."_

Britt smiled wide and then sat down in the chair across from us.

_"We'll see about that."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**December 28, 2013**_

_**Dear Henry,**_

_**It's the middle of the night and I am currently sitting in the center of a room, surrounded by a crazy mix of people. **_

_**Never did I think I would so willing have Frankie in the same room with me but there she is happily talking to Brittany while showing her pictures of her wife. **_

_**Then there is Ari and this new girlfriend who I really like a lot. **_

_**My son is laying across my lap feeling a little sick tonight and so I had to hold him just so he could sleep better...and now I don't want to let him go. **_

_**And even though this day started so raw and continued that way. **_

_**Right now just feels so perfect. **_

_**Things with Britt are slowly getting better. **_

_**In fact right now, I'm leaning against her as she plays with my hair. **_

_**It's the calmest that we have been. **_

_**I actually feel connected to her again. **_

_**And instead of hoping that it lasts...I'm going to make sure it does.**_

_**About to watch the Hunger Games since the kiddies are asleep. **_

_**Ari is feeling better and so am I. **_

_**She doesn't know what we have in store for her just yet but she will soon enough. **_

_**Things are finally settling. **_

_**I just hope that I can keep the momentum going! **_

_**xx**_

**_Santana._**

* * *

_"I think you will be able to do it by the way."_

Britt whispered as the movie started.

_"Will be able to do what?"_

I looked up at her in curiosity as I played with Isaac's curls.

She blushed and then kissed my forehead.

_"I really think that opening up to you will make things better and I really think that you can make sure that things last."_

_"It's going to take both of us...and maybe we should go see someone...couples counseling. I really liked when you were at N.A with me...it made me staying sober real to you. And it made me feel like I wasn't alone."_

_"I think that's a good idea."_

_"Good."_

We settled into the movie, which was so off from the book that it wasn't even funny.

But only Quinn and I had read the book so we just kept shooting each other knowing glances when everyone jumped at something.

Britt held me against her and it was so amazing to feel at home in her arms.

No amount of drugs in the world were worth more than this feeling.

I felt loved.

And surrounded by friends and family...my son, I felt like there was no place more important than this.

And it was then...that I leaned up against Britt's neck.

_"I'm ready."_

She looked down at me with a wide glance and then looked around the room.

_"Now?"_ She whispered excitedly.

I shook my head.

_"Whenever...but after tonight...after you opened yourself...and promised to let me in...right now, I know that I'm ready."_

Britt smiled so hard that I was sure she was going to start chuckling but she just watched the movie and held me tighter.

Sure, I had thought that I would need more time but my heart and my mind were agreeing.

For once.

I was ready to let love in again.

And now so was Britt.

What more could I ask for?

* * *

**_A/N: I am committed to you guys and this story. I'm not going anywhere just yet. I hope you are still here too. Review and let me know what your hopes are for this. Oh and any suggestions on a wedding venue? Lots of love and glee. ;)_**


	36. Chapter 36:I Need This

**Chapter 36: I Need This (Jessie J)  
**

* * *

**_Britt smiled so hard that I was sure she was going to start chuckling but she just watched the movie and held me tighter._**

**_Sure, I had thought that I would need more time but my heart and my mind were agreeing._**

**_For once._**

**_I was ready to let love in again._**

**_And now so was Britt._**

**_What more could I ask for?_**

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

My heart was hurting so badly.

How had things gotten this bad?

I was trying to keep my heart strong.

I was trying my best to keep a brave face but it was almost impossible.

Gloria was doing the best that she could to melt into the background and just be there for me but I knew that she was full of questions.

The number one question, I was pretty sure had to do with me and Anita.

And when I had a moment I would deal with that but as of right now, as I watch everyone sleeping around me, I just want to disappear.

It was like someone had put a clock in my head and each second was ticking away the seconds that Mami had left on this Earth.

How could I sleep?

* * *

I pushed up from the floor and quietly stepped over the people on the floor. **  
**

Being a dancer has it's perks.

It had definitely taught me to have almost silent footsteps.

The whole apartment was dark with the exception of the kitchen.

There was a light on above the sink and so I headed over to the table and sat down.

I stared out over the skyline and tried my best to not cry.

_"Hey."_

I turned my face and could see Anita standing in the doorway.

She looked so small as she stood in her shorts and over-sized t-shirt.

_"Did I wake you?"_ I whispered.

_"No. I was checking on Isaac, when I put him to bed he had a slight fever."_

_"Oh...is he okay?"_

_"Yea, I gave him some medicine and he fell right back to sleep again."_

_"Good."_

I watched as she opened a cabinet and put two glasses on the counter.

She didn't say anything as she filled them with ice and water.

I smiled as I watched her do something that was so basic to us.

Ana clicked off the light over the sink and then came and sat across from me.

_"You know, you have to talk to me at some point...but it doesn't have to be right now, no pressure...only when you're ready okay."_

She pushed a glass towards me and then took a sip from hers.

Her eyes never left me as she put the glass down and then traced the pattern that was cut into the glass.

* * *

_"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel."_ I whispered as I took a huge gulp of the ice cold water.

_"Why because she disowned you?"_

_"Maybe...I don't know. It just...she's young, Ana. It just doesn't seem fair."_

_"Trust me...I get it. Papi was such an asshole but he was my asshole. It just seemed...I don't know, all wrong...I felt so lost. Like...so numb about it. I had always thought it would be the booze that would take him out not some random idiot shooting up a hospital."_

Anita never talked about her dad and I could see why as she wiped a tear from her cheek.

I reached forward and took her hand in my own.

I laid it flat on the table, careful of her stitches and silently began tracing the lines on the exposed part of her palm.

I couldn't look in her eyes, this was the most I could give her right now...looking at her would just be too much.

I knew that she wanted to make me feel better about this but a part of me didn't want to feel better.

Because it wouldn't make any of this go away.

It would still be there.

Forever.

_"I just feel so...helpless." _I finally muttered while starting to trail up my fingers over the scar on the side of her hand.

She sucked in a breath and then cleared her throat.

_"Can I tell you something?"_ She whispered. I nodded as she closed her hand, trapping and gripping my fingers. _"Look at me, Ariana."_

She had never seen me this broken over anything, not even Cancer.

I didn't want to be around anyone but her and even that was a waste because I was like this.

But even in my daze I knew that I should just hear her out.

So, I raised my eyes and I immediately could see the concern in her eyes.

_"Yea?"_

_"All these people that are here...are going to do everything in their power to make sure that your mom's last few days are happy and comfortable."_

I tried to pull my hand away, somehow feeling betrayed by that statement but she just held my hand even tighter.

Even with her bruised and stitched up hand, she was holding onto me for dear life.

She wasn't going to let me go...she had to make me see things her way.

And she is the only person that probably can.

She knows that I don't like people fussing over me.

_"How?"_

_"You weren't supposed to find out yet but now that everyone is in on it...maybe I can tell you...just don't shut me out?"_

I nodded and smiled just a little bit because she knows me so well.

I looked into her dark brown eyes and could see everything that I had loved about her since forever.

She brought my fingers up to her lips and kissed them before she released the tight hold that she had on my hand.

But I didn't move my fingers from her touch.

I needed it more than air at the moment.

What is it about her that takes my breath away?

* * *

_"Tell me."_ I whispered as I finally started to breathe again.

_"I know that your mom always dreamed of coming to New York and of dancing on Broadway. She's always wanted to see a show...I thought why not see YOU on Broadway."_

I sat there shell shocked as she told me her plan and how everyone was working to make it work.

_"So how __are __you going to make that happen?"_

_"Yes. We just aren't going to tell her she's coming to see you perform...she will think she is going to an exclusive showing of a new show. I talked to Damariz earlier and she agreed to fly out there and escort her here...just in case she needs a doctor."_

_"I can't believe you are doing this...why?"_

_"Because...I know what it's like to lose people, especially what it's like to lose a parent and I know that if I could go back and take my nephews to Disney World or whatever their little dreams were before they died...I would. Same with Brenda and Ian. Knowing that you are doing something to make your mom forget her pain even for just a moment, that you are doing things just to make things more bearable will make all the difference in the end...because you will have this final memory. You will get to see the look in your mother's eyes when she sees you up on that stage living out her dream. It will give you peace."_

_"But why...you and I haven't been the closest lately ."_

_"Distance doesn't matter, it never really has...I love you and I don't want you to hurt more than you have to. And I know you enough to know that if your mother never sees you on that stage...it will be one of your biggest regrets."_

I dropped my arms down on the table and then buried my face on top of them.

Even though I was sitting there across from the one person who understands me...I just couldn't feel connected.

It was like a numbness had taken over me.

I hated feeling like this.

I was usually the positive one, the one to see the silver lining in the clouds.

But not now.

I needed to just walk away for a while just to clear my head.

There had to be a way to take some space.

I racked my brain for a way to do what I needed to do for me.

* * *

After a while I looked up at her and could see that she was lost in her own thoughts as she looked out the windows, just like I had been when she had first walked into the kitchen.

Even sitting here in the darkness, still too skinny for her own good, she was beautiful.

I loved Gloria so much and I knew that someday I would probably marry her.

But that didn't mean that I had stopped loving Anita.

She would always be the one that got away.

Even if I had a chance I wouldn't take it.

We were more than that.

She got me in ways that I sometimes didn't even get myself.

So I knew that she would understand.

And that she would never give up on me.

Thank God for her.

_"Do you remember the night that you came to me?" _I said with a scratchy voice before finishing off my glass of water._  
_

She looked at me for a long time.

I watched as she flexed her sore hand a few times before rubbing her palms together and taking a few deep breaths._  
_

_"Hmm?"  
_

_"You okay?"  
_

_"Like when I was with Abuelo that night?" _

She ignored my question and cocked her eyebrow instead.

It was a warning for me not to worry about her while I was like this.

And so I wouldn't ask again.

So I just had to keep going with what I wanted to say._  
_

_"Yea...do you think...that if I do that...like call him and go out right now...that you can return the favor and not say anything?"_

_"You don't even need to ask."_

_"Thank you, Anita!"_

I kissed her face softly and then got up from the table.

Before stepping out of the door, I handed her my phone and asked her to put it away for me.

I didn't need it.

Not if I was going to clear my mind the way I needed to.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"So let me get this right...you know where she is...kind of...but you can't tell me?"_

_"Exactly." _I said as I flipped pancakes and sipped my café con leche.

_"That's just...cruel."_ She muttered.

_"It's not personal."_

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"Just like I said, it's not personal. If she wanted you to know, she would have told you."_

It was still insanely early, so early that the kids were all still asleep as I got breakfast started.

Gloria was pacing behind me while trying to call Ari and throwing remarks at me.

Ari had asked me to not say anything about her phone.

So I wasn't going to...instead, I tried to tell Gloria that her efforts were useless but she rolled her eyes and left a bunch of messages...ones that Ari would get after seeing Gloria.

Some people just don't listen.

* * *

_"Ana? Baby, I'm taking Izzy with me to go pick up your mom and some milk...okay?"_

Britt came bouncing in the room with Isaac in her arms.

She was such a morning person.

I used to hate it but now I appreciated it because since becoming a mom, I had become one too.

My son smiled at me, he looked like he was feeling better.

Thankfully.

He was all bundled up in his hat and coat and was showing me his mittens.

_"Nice!"_ I said as I held my hand up. _"High five?"_

_"Five!"_ He said as he hit my hand. _"I go bye, Mami, beso?"_

I smiled and leaned closer so that I could drop kisses all over his face.

I pressed my lips to his forehead and could feel that he was still a bit warm.

Britt smiled at me as I was about to say something about his temperature, she winked.

_"I already gave him the medicine. See you soon."_

_"You're so amazing."  
_

I leaned in and kissed Britt, before patting her ass as she walked away.

* * *

_"What's burning?"_

Hearing Q yell out as she passed Britt on her walk into the kitchen, snapped me out of my trance and got me to focus back on the stove.

_"Shit!"_ I muttered as I moved the pan from the fire and scrapped the burnt pancake into the sink. _"Sorry! I was distracted."_

_"Yea, by Britt's ass!" _Q snickered._  
_

I stuck my tongue out as she stood next to me and had the audacity to start sipping from my coffee mug.

_"Get your own, Lucy Q."_

_"Wanted to make sure you didn't burn the coffee too."_

_"Fuck you."_ I said as I poured batter into the pan and began to watch my pancakes closely this time.

_"Been there done that...not going back." _Quinn said as she poured her coffee.

_"That's good to hear!" _Celia walked into the kitchen as I flipped the pancakes and walked straight over to me. "Morning sis."

_"Morning."_

I leaned into her kiss on my cheek before flipping the pancakes another time.

_"Is she okay?" _Celia whispered against my ear.

I immediately knew that she was talking about the frustrated woman pacing the kitchen behind me.

_"Ari's out..."_

_"Like you were that time."_

I gave her a serious look and shook my head.

_"Not now."_

Celia nodded and then walked over to the other side of me and began to fondle my best friend.

_"Shit...Ceily...not right now, your sister is right there...you need to calm down woman!" _Quinn chuckled before she kissed my sister and then leaned against her shoulder.

_"Yes...please...stop molesting her in my kitchen." _I said as I poured more batter.

I was happily flipping my pancakes when I felt someone hovering closer to me.

_"How can you be so calm?!" _

I froze as Gloria slammed her cell phone down on the counter next to my plate of pancakes.

Then she stood there right next to me, waiting for an answer.

_"You need to calm down." _I said without even looking up, she definitely didn't know me well enough to get that close to me, I was giving her a second to get herself together.

Apparently she didn't get the memo though.

_"No...I am having the proper response to my girlfriend missing...what I don't get is why you are so calm? Do you even care about her?"_

Did she really just ask me that?

I was going to settle this shit right now.

This was getting out of hand.

_"Quinn...watch my pancakes." _

I didn't even look back as I walked out of the kitchen, knowing for a fact that Gloria would follow.

She wasn't going to get off my case until I talked her down.

Besides, now that Britt was gone, I needed to check on Daniela.

Maybe being around a baby would keep Gloria from flipping out so much.

Because I was serious...she needed to calm the fuck down.

* * *

Daniela was standing in her crib smiling at me as I walked in.

_"Mami."_ She said before babbling to me about something.

I loved hearing her.

Being with my children first thing in the morning would never get old.

Each day with them was a blessing.

That was definitely something that I would never take for granted again.

I picked her up and smothered her face in kisses.

She let out a baby laugh and I felt my heart melt.

_"Hi, Mamita."_

_"Mami...hi!"_ She said as I laid her down and began to change her diaper.

_"Can you say hi to Gloria?"_ I asked her as I stepped to the side, so she could see past me.

_"Hi!"_ Daniela squeaked out as she waved her tiny hand.

_"Hi."_

Yep...Gloria's voice had definitely starting to sound much nicer.

This was what I was waiting for.

After finishing up with the baby's diaper I put her back in her crib so she could lay down.

I knew that she would lay there quietly while I talked.

While Isaac had gotten my impatience and attitude, Daniela had gotten her patience from Ian and I was so grateful for it.

She looked up at me with a twinkle in her eyes as she hugged her bear and watched me with a smile.

I leaned against the changing table and admired my little girl a bit longer before I turned to Gloria and tried to smile.

Except...she wasn't returning my smile, she had that frown again.

* * *

_"Look...you need to understand something, I tried to hint at it last night in the cab when I told you how Ari and I met."_

_"And what's that?"_

She stood against the closed door with her arms over her chest defensively.

That was my move, I understood it well.

She was guarding herself.

But she was doing it against me which was exactly the opposite of how she should be around me.

I just chalked it up to her not knowing any better.

_"I am not a threat to you. If anything...I'm your best ally in this. Nobody gets Ari like I do...it's just...how we are. It took a while for Britt to understand and I know she still has trouble with it...it's why most times I keep my distance from Ari and her from me...because...well, we love each other and it can be overwhelming. For both of us."_

Gloria cocked an eyebrow.

Holy shit...it was like I was looking in a mirror.

Now I was looking her over...same dark eyes, same caramel skin...same guarded stance.

Ari had gone out and found a version of me.

Well...kind of.

_"I know all that. That's the reason she waited so long...I wanted to meet you from the moment she told me about you and she refused me but I didn't argue. I waited, so patiently and now that I have met you...I can't help but be jealous. You're hot, you get her... and what's worse is that you are in love with her."_

It wasn't a question.

She was stating hard facts.

This was a conversation that she should be having with Ari but if Ari could form a friendship with Britt, there was no reason that I couldn't do the same with Gloria...but she needed to understand things first.

_"I always have been-"_

She cut me off before I could finish my explanation.

_"So why bring other people into it...why not just be together?"_

She had a heartbroken look in her eyes and I could tell that she was close to walking out the door for good.

That was the last thing that Ari needed right now.

So even though it seemed unnatural to be doing, I was going to save her relationship...at least until she could deal with the tough questions herself._  
_

_"Because this lifetime isn't meant for us."_

_"Are you talking about reincarnation...I thought you were a Catholic?"_

There was a shrill sound to her voice now.

I had offended her somehow.

She was a serious Catholic, never missed a single mass, almost nun kind of woman.

And I was a persistent backslider.

But my faith was unshakable.

Even still, though, it felt like a smack in the face.

* * *

_"I am Catholic and I take my religion very seriously...and I'm not going to argue my faith with you. You and I both know better." _I wasn't yelling but I could tell by her flinch that the edge in my voice was something that was getting through to her. Sometimes being a bitch is just what needs to be done for people to understand that you are serious. Whatever works...right?_ "I am just...I want you to understand that I just want what's best for her and by extension for you. And I know that it may not be very conventional but it's how she and I work. We have never slept together...we have never dated...nothing has ever or will ever happen between us. You should stop seeing me as a threat. I'm the least of your worries."_

_"Why are you telling me this? It doesn't help. It's not fixing the issue. Why can't you just tell me where she is."_

She was trying her best not to yell as she ran her fingers through her hair a dozen times.

I could tell that she was at the end of her rope.

And even though I was trying to back her down from the ledge...it wasn't working.

I had to get on her level...and relate to her in a way that she could understand.

_"Isn't it enough to know that she's safe?"_

_"Ugh! I can't win."_

I watched patiently as she threw her hands up in the air in frustration.

She went to open the door but I pushed off the changing table and reached out quickly blocking the door and then stepping in front of it and with one hand, my good hand, I held it closed.

I wasn't tall but I towered over Gloria.

It was a weird feeling, being able to look down at her when I'm so used to looking up at people.

I'm used to being the shortest...well except for Rachel but since leaving high school, I never see her out of a pair of heels of some sort.

So even she, isn't as short as she used to be.

I couldn't let a feud between me and Gloria even get off the ground.

We needed to stick together for Ari.

Nothing would get in my way of helping her...not even the girl she loves.

* * *

**Gloria's POV**

* * *

My heart was racing and my palms were sweating.

But I wasn't backing down.

Ari meant way too much to me.

Now here I stood, toe to toe with Santana feeling like she was going to hit me but she didn't.

She stepped as close as possible and held her hand against the door.

I suddenly felt trapped.

But she just looked me in the eyes and took a deep breath.

_"Look...you have every right to be pissed off at me and at her. I get it. I would be too...but I need you to trust me right now. Please? Haven't you ever had blind faith?"_

Now that was something that I knew about.

It was what I had done when I went to the convent.

I was blindly following my parents wishes.

And I didn't regret it for a second.

But I loved my parents.

And I love Ari.

She loves Santana...so I guess by extension...I should trust her even if it is blindly.

I sighed in defeat and nodded.

_"Fine. I'm trusting you that she is okay."_

_"Thank you...now...lets go see how breakfast is coming along, shall we?"_

_"Should I be worried about her?"  
_

She froze as she dropped her hands and then looked up at me._  
_

_"If you weren't worried, I would have let you leave. Even though I have an idea of exactly where she is, I'm still worried. But I have faith that she will be okay...and you should too. Okay?"  
_

I nodded in agreement as she picked up her daughter from her crib.

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

Things would be okay.

I had to trust Ari.

When I opened my eyes again, I could see that Santana was staring at me.

She smiled at me as she gestured for me to open the door and for the first time, I saw a little of Ari in her.

She had the temper but just like that she was back to being polite.

Maybe blind faith is the only way to deal with things here.

I just hoped it didn't come back to bite me.

* * *

The moment that we stepped out of the bedroom, I heard a voice that immediately made me smile.

I turned my head towards Santana and could see a smirk on her face.

_"Told you...blind faith."_

I was about to agree when I walked into the kitchen and could see that Ari was not in the best state.

She was sitting on the floor of the kitchen sobbing against her knees.

Quinn was knelt down next to her, trying to get her to drink ice water but Ari was shaking her head.

_"No!"_

Santana moved quickly, putting her daughter into her sisters arms before leaning over Ari and grabbing her by the arms and pulling her to her feet.

Even though she was shorter than Ari, she looked to be completely in control.

_"This was not what I thought you would do when you said space, Arita."_

What was I not seeing?

_"I took space!"_

_"Let her go Santana."_ I said as I stepped next to Ari.

_"You know what...here...she's your girlfriend...you deal with her."_

Santana let go of Ari and she fell back against the wall with her hands over her face.

_"Ari?"_ I said as I touched her arm.

_"Gloria!"_

She finally saw me and threw herself around me.

And that's when I realized why Santana was so upset.

Ari was stone drunk.

I looked over to Santana and could see that she was across the room looking out the window as she whispered angrily into her phone.

_"Here, lets take her to the bedroom so you can get her cleaned up."_

Quinn smiled at me as she looped an arm around Ari's waist and we half carried her out of the kitchen.

_"Mom?"_ We stopped when Quinn's little girl stood blocking our way while rubbing her eyes.

_"Hey, sweet Beth. Celia is in the kitchen with Dani...and pancakes."_

Beth smiled really huge and ran past us and into the kitchen.

We finally made it into Santana and Brittany's bedroom and from there the bathroom.

_"Okay...holler if you need anything. She looks like she just need to sleep it off at this point. A cold shower though, should definitely help."_

_"Thank you Quinn."  
_

_"No problem...oh and go easy on her...okay?"  
_

_"Of course." _I said as Quinn left the bathroom and shut the door.

* * *

Normally, I would have been kind of freaked out to be standing naked in a strange apartment with a door that doesn't lock but I didn't have time to think about that._  
_

I was too busy rubbing Ari's back as she started throwing up.

She was crying and apologizing to me the entire time but all that I could do was just quietly stand there as she emptied her stomach.

Eventually, there was nothing left and she slumped against the seat._  
_

_"I'm so sorry." _She was still crying but I wasn't worried about that._  
_

_"Apologize later...lets get you cleaned up."  
_

She nodded and let me strip her down before pulling her into the shower with me.

It was our first shower together and I was sorry that it had to happen like this.

This hurt so much...because I felt helpless.

Ari's hair stuck to her forehead as she rested her cheek against the shower wall.

She had her eyes closed and continued to apologize.

I wasn't paying her any mind after a while.

Instead, I washed her body and her hair before holding her under the sprayer and thanked God that she didn't get sick again.

* * *

When I stepped out of the shower, I saw that someone had laid out clothes for the both of us and two big towels. _  
_

It made me smile to know that Ari had this type of network surrounding her.

Maybe I was a bit rash in my judgment of Santana?

Thankfully, Ari was more alert and was able to dress herself.

I was tired and really just wanted to go home.

But I couldn't because this wasn't about me.

It was about Ari.

And even though she had Santana...she still needed me.

She promised me that the night before and I believed her.

She never lied to me.

And I was insanely grateful for that.

After we finished getting dressed, Ari wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my shoulder.

_"I'm so sorry about this."_

_"Don't...it doesn't fix anything. You are hurting...I understand...I just...I wish that you had come to me."_

She nodded and then hugged me tight.

_"Next time...I will."_

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I have never been reckless. **_  
_**

That was something that my brothers and Marco had that I didn't.

Until last night.

I went to the bar in search of Abuelo, only to find out that he was in Puerto Rico.

So I sat there and got really drunk.

Even though I'm underage...the waitress took a liking to me.

Just thinking about how I acted had me disgusted with myself.

That wasn't like me.

And now I was sitting in Anita's bedroom, with her glaring at me.

Gloria is sitting there silently with Brittany, while I get a lecture.

Just great.

_"I don't need this."_ I said as I sat in the edge of the bed.

_"You do...you need to talk about this."  
_

_"Why?"  
_

_"Fine...don't talk...just...why did you get drunk?"  
_

_"Because I can! I can fuck up sometimes."_

It hurt when I pressed a finger to my chest but I was proving a point.

_A point that Anita wasn't listening to.  
_

_"Ana...just let her be. You have been in worse places."_

The look that Anita gave Britt was one that I hadn't seen before but obviously, Brittany had because she looked _away and didn't speak another word. _

_"Look, Ariana."_ It felt like I had been slapped, full name. _"You are in a shitty place...you really need to take this time and rest. Like it or not your mom is about to die and you are fucking wasting time being hung over. So you are going to sleep this off and then we are going to get our asses on a plane tonight and go pick her up. Put your shit to the side...because she isn't fucking dead yet. None of this can work without you. Do you understand?"_

_"Yes."  
_

I wasn't going to argue.

She was right.

Mami was still alive and I was wasting precious time.

* * *

I curled up against Gloria and fell into a dreamless sleep. _  
_

Just having her there, listening to her heartbeat, made me feel something.

It was the first time in hours that I hadn't felt numb.

She was what I needed.

I should have known that I could solve things like this.

Anita had been harsh but she had made her point.

After I rested and cleared my mind, I would do everything that I could to make things move.

None of this would work without me.

I was the lead.

And up until she told me otherwise, I thought that Mami would never get to see my show.

Now though, she would and I couldn't waste a second more.

* * *

When I woke up it was to Gloria brushing the hair from my face.

She had been watching me sleep.

One of her favorite activities.

_"How long was I asleep?"_

_"About three hours. I was just coming back to check on you."_

_"Is everything okay?"_

_"Yes...I got to meet Rachel."_

I sat up abruptly and looked at her in shock.

_"Rachel is here?"_

_"Yes...she doesn't seem like your type."_

I smiled and leaned into Gloria.

_"Well...that's because she isn't...not like you."_

I leaned in to kiss her but then froze as she spoke.

_"Or Santana." _

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"You don't think she and I are similar?"_

_"Um...no?"_

That was a lie. Why did I do that?

She cocked an eyebrow and immediately I saw it.

_"Really?"_

_"Your right...I see her in you...but that's not why I love you."_

_"It's fine...I get it. She explained it to me and while I don't really like it. I don't like how it makes me feel...I don't want to compete for your affections but I get that she isn't a threat."_

_"Yea...she is the least of your worries."_

_"You know..." _Gloria squinted her eyes._ "She said that earlier...and you are saying it now. What other worries are there?"_

_"There is always the potential for my cancer to come back. To me and to her...that is the worst thing that could happen. That is the only threat that could take me from you."_

_"Wow...well when you put it like that..."_

She smiled and wrapped her arms around me and then kissed my face.

I turned in her arms and kissed her lips.

My body was a buzz with arousal but then the door opened.

_"Okay...I love you Ari...but if I'm not even having sex in that bed...you damn sure aren't."_ I looked up and smiled when Brittany stood there looking at us in disbelief. _"Do I need to get backup?"_

By backup, I knew she meant Anita and that was definitely not what I wanted.

_"We're getting up."_

_"Good."_

I could help but laugh as Gloria blushed in embarrassment as Brittany waited patiently for us to climb out of the bed.

It felt good to feel something again.

I was coming to terms with the blessing of being able to say goodbye to my mother.

Anita hadn't gotten to say goodbye to some of the most important people in her life and I here I was ready to piss away my opportunity.

It seemed like a waste of a blessing.

I could see that now.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"You know...you didn't have to come with me." _

_"I wanted to. Please stop pushing me away."_

_"You're right...it's just...I still can't believe that you set this all up."_

_"Well, believe it already."_

I was tired and a bit cranky.

Damariz was somewhere in first class since she could afford it.

Me and Ari though were stuck in coach.

Worse than that, it was taking all of my energy not to snap at Ari.

Sandra was only allowing for me to get a chartered plane back from Lima but we had to fly commercial to get there.

I missed having my own money.

But it was my own damned fault.

I couldn't be mad at my sister.

My head was starting to pound as someone's baby began to scream.

I looked down and smiled when I saw that it wasn't making a difference.

I held my sleeping baby girl in my lap and wished that Britt could have come but Isaac was sick and she didn't want to take him on the plane.

Especially since we were coming right back in a few hours.

I closed my eyes and tried to rest my head but then Ari was talking again.

_"How mad do you think Gloria is?"_

I couldn't hold back my sigh as I turned my head towards Ari.

Her short blonde hair was falling into her eyes as she stared a hole into the back of the seat in front of her.

_"You know her better than me, Arita. You tell me."_

She shook her head and more hair fell into her face.

I couldn't help myself as I leaned over and brushed it out of her face.

The moment that I touched her face, she froze and brought her eyes up to meet mine.

I sucked in a breath as her eyes were piercing through me and when she licked her lips I couldn't help my moan.

_"Am I interrupting?"_

I jumped back and looked up at Damariz who had been on her way to the bathroom.

She had her eyebrow raised and was staring daggers at me.

_"There is nothing to interrupt."_

I tried to act nonchalant but the dryness of my throat and the squeaking of my voice gave me away.

This was exactly what Gloria was worried about.

Ari always had this pull on me but now that I was back to my senses, I looked down at my new engagement ring and immediately felt ashamed.

_"Do you want to switch seats for a bit, Ari?"_

Ari looked up at Damariz and smiled.

_"Can I do that? I've never been in first class."_

_"Go ahead up."_

Shit.

Damariz wasn't going to sit here for shits and giggles.

She was saving me from myself.

Was that a blessing or a curse?

With Celia and Sandra I knew it was a curse but with Damariz...she had always been a wildcard.

When I was getting a boob job, everyone fought it but surprisingly Damariz supported it.

So who knows what she has to say.

* * *

I just smiled and moved back against my chair to let Ari pass me.

Damariz climbed over and sat in Ari's vacant seat and looked at me with her eye brow still raised.

_"So how is my recently engaged sister doing?"_

I rolled my eyes and shifted the baby to my other leg.

She was suddenly heavy and increasing the heat that I was feeling.

It was way too hot and stuffy on this plane.

_"I'm just fine, Mari." _

_"You don't look fine...are you feeling okay?"_

_"No."_

_"Talk to me...what are your symptoms?"_

_"Are you seriously playing doctor with me right now?"_

_"Yes and concerned big sister."_

Every time that Mari talked about being a big sister it was always with a note of sadness, because her other little sister was gone.

It immediately pushed my irritation away.

_"Can you take her for a little bit...my hand is really sore and she keeps hitting it, please?"_

Mari smiled as she took Daniela from my arms and held her close.

I flexed my fingers and hissed in pain.

_"You should really take painkillers."_

_"No."_ I said as I rubbed my knuckles softly, trying to soothe the burning itch of my stitches.

_"Not even like aspirin?"_

_"Just the antibiotics...that's all I have been taking."_

_"Ana, I get that you don't want to get addicted, but you are in pain."_

_"I know. I just...I can't trust myself around drugs right now."_ I admitted truthfully.

_"Understandable."_

_"No...it's becoming irrational actually." _I smiled a bit._ "I was nervous about giving Isaac medicine just because I was afraid that he would crave it or something. Since his mom is a junkie-"_

_"Was."_ Mari cut me off.

_"Once a junkie..."_

Daniela started to whine and so I brushed a hand over her face and just like that, she fell back into a deep sleep.

_"Ahh...the calming effect of a mother's touch."_

_"Something that I wasn't really familiar with until I had my own kids."_ I said as I continued to brush my fingers lightly over my daughter's sweet face.

_"Okay...I can't...look. I need you to start working on pulling away from your attraction to Ari."_

That came out of nowhere.

Well...sort of.

_"You don't think I fight it? I'm not...like going to do anything but I still feel the pull."_

_"Look, it's going to make trouble. It was one thing when it was just you and Brittany, Ari was single, even when she dated Rachel it wasn't really serious. Now though...she has a great girl. Don't mess that up for her."_

I nodded in agreement.

_"I know. I...will work on it."_

_"Good...because I would hate to see Gloria step in between you two. It won't end well and just so you know...Ari even though she would deny it...is not over you. This is the last thing that she needs."_

_"You're right."_

_"I got asked to return to my seat."_

We both looked up to see Ari looking downtrodden.

_"Guess I should go then...see you guys in the terminal."_

* * *

_"She's right you know."_ Ari whispered after we sat in silence for a while.

_"About us?"_

_"Yes. I guess it's becoming harder for us to fight this thing between us."_

_"We have to though...you love that girl, right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And I love Britt...so flipping much."_

She smiled as I replaced a curse.

It was around this age that Isaac had learned the word fuck and even still he would say it from time to time.

I definitely didn't want Daniela learning that word, especially not right before meeting Ari's mom.

_"So how do we fight it?"_

_"I don't know...honestly...I don't even really want to try."_

_"But you have to. You just got engaged and are just getting your life back."_

_"I know. Okay, okay. How about this...we just...we won't be alone together for awhile."_

_"We tried that...it doesn't work."_

_"Look...I love you and I know you love me but we can't-"_

_"I know."_

_"Gloria was so upset when you were gone and I wouldn't tell her where you had gone."_

_"She's a great girl...I should have gone to her."_

_"Yes you should have. Just because it worked for me that night...doesn't mean it would work for you."_

_"I know."_

_"Look...lets just...be careful."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

**_December 29, 2013_**

**_Dearest Henry, _**

**_Delirium has set in. I'm just getting settled at home, it's almost one in the morning. _**

**_Britt and Isaac have taken over the bed. Daniela has been so good on this trip, so of course as I try to put her to bed she starts screaming like a maniac. I ended up having to give her a warm bath and a bottle of milk to get her just to lay down, but she was still whining so ended up singing. _**

**_I forgot how good it feels to sing. _**

**_It's been a while. I think I'm going to start taking my music seriously after all this stuff is over. _**

**_Seeing Ari's mom in that hospital bed, looking so frail was like a punch in my gut but seeing Ari fighting her tears as she tried to smile hurt the most. _**

**_I'm glad that we were able to get her settled at Mari's house. I know that my sister will take good care of her. _**

**_Now I'm sitting here, staring out the window. _**

_**I'm so tired but I can't really sleep because I can't get myself to ignore what I felt. **_

_**Really, I want to talk to Britt about it because I don't want to keep this from her but I don't know if now is really a good time. Now that she is going to have to produce this show in three days, I know that she is going to be pretty much unavailable for the next few days. **_

_**I don't want to make things awkward between her and Ari. **_

_**What should I do?**_

_**It's not like I want to end my engagement and go chasing after my old friend. **_

_**I just wanted to not feel like this.**_

_**But how?**_

_**I'm going to try and sleep. **_

_**Wish me luck.**_

_**Frustrated, **_

_**Santana.**_

* * *

**Gloria's POV**

* * *

_"Are you sure that you want to come here?"_

_"Yes...I want to meet her Gloria."_

_"Now is not the best time, Mama."_

_"Porque?"_

_"For a lot of reason...namely...I have nowhere for you to stay."_

_"I can afford a hotel."_

_"Okay...well...what about...me...what if I'm just not ready?"_

_"But you are."_

_"Mama...please? Just don't."_

_"Too late."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I'm already in the city, mija. I was going to surprise you."_

_"Seriously?"_

_"Yes...me and your little sister are here."_

_"Oh."_

_"So you don't want to see us?"_

_"Of course I do...I just don't know if Ariana is going to want to come."_

_"Of course she will. Once you tell her."_

_"If I tell her."_

_"You will...right?"_

_"Yes, Mama. Look...I have to go but I will call you in the morning. We can maybe have breakfast?"_

_"Okay. I'll be waiting. Good night, mija."_

_"Good night. I love you, Mama."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

Being in my dorm room was something that I hadn't done in months.

Most nights I slept in Ari's room with her, but tonight, I wasn't sure if she was coming back or staying at the hotel with her mom, so I stayed in my own bed.

It sucked.

I should have gone.

While I got the relationship between them...things like this made me feel so jealous.

Which is an emotion that I'm not really familiar with.

I just know it makes me sick to my stomach.

I was tossing and turning so much that I didn't hear my door creak open.

_"Hey...can I...can I come in?"_

I lifted my head and there she stood, in her leather jacket and her hair all over the place.

_"Of course."_

I turned on the lamp next to my bed and then rubbed the salt from my eyes as I looked at my girlfriend.

My girlfriend who usually was super strong was now slowly walking towards me like she could break at any moment.

I didn't move.

I couldn't move.

* * *

I watched mesmerized as she stripped out of her jacket and then sat on the edge of the bed.

I didn't move as she slowly took off her boots and then she was up again, sliding out of her jeans.

She stood there looking down at me with heat in her eyes.

_"I need you."_ She whispered.

_"Whatever you need, Ari."_ I said as I moved over towards the wall and made space for her.

She smiled a little as she climbed into the bed and straddled my waist.

_"Promise me that you won't leave me."_ She whispered as she pulled my shirt over my head.

_"Okay. I promise."_

She attacked my neck, sucking and biting softly.

_"Whatever I need right?"_ She said as she moved her hands down my sides.

They were still cold from the winter air outside but my skin felt like it was on fire as she cupped my breasts and grinded against me.

She had never been this rough...this in charge.

_"Yes."_ I moaned as her knee touched my center.

She didn't say anything else as she kissed my lips.

The kisses were hard but not overwhelming.

I was surprised at just how turned on I was.

I liked this side of her.

It made me feel...cared for?

_"Stop thinking so much."_

She sucked my earlobe into her mouth and began to nibble on it.

_"Ok."_ I cried out as she moved her hand down to brush against my clit.

My hips lifted off the bed as she began to move in small circles.

She smiled against me as she moved her fingers lower.

To a place I had never allowed her to go...I was still a virgin...technically.

* * *

_"Whatever I need?"_ She asked again as her fingers hovered over me.

I loved her and I wanted her to know that.

_"Yes Ariana, anything. Take me...make me yours."_

The huge smile that took over her face made my heart melt and turned me on even more.

I pushed my hips towards her hand and she chuckled.

_"You sure?"_

_"Yes."_ I whispered.

_"It's going to sting."_ She said looking at me seriously.

_"Okay. Just do it."_

It was like someone stabbed me as she pushed through that final barrier of my prude upbringing.

I hissed and she stopped moving as she hovered about me.

She brought her other hand down and began working my clit again as she kissed my lips.

After a few seconds, I felt the overwhelming need to move my hips and so I did.

She began to move slowly inside of me and it started to feel amazing.

_"Don't stop." _I moaned.

_"You sure."_

_"Yessss!" _I cried out.

I hooked my hands under her arms and clung to her as she began to work in another finger.

My orgasm crashed over me and then just like that my body was working its way to another.

_"I love you, Gloria...so much, babe. So fucking much." _She growled as she thrust harder.

_"Ahhhh! Jesus! Oh sweet Jesus, Ari!" _I screamed as I came trembling against her._ "I love you." _I whispered.

And I meant it with my whole heart.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I held Gloria's sleeping body against me as the night went on.

We had just reached a monumental point in our relationship.

It was the most beautiful moment that we had ever shared.

So why do I feel like I used her?

The look in her eyes as she curled against me just before falling asleep, broke my heart.

She loved me.

And even though I loved her completely...Anita still weighed heavy on me.

Why now?

We had made it almost two years in the same city without really acting on anything.

Why when my life was falling down around me, did these feeling suddenly arise?

I brushed my fingers through Gloria's long hair and kissed the mole just on her shoulder.

Her body shivered and she moaned in her sleep.

I wanted her so badly, I needed to prove to myself that she was where my heart was.

Now I felt like I had robbed her blind.

This was the last thing that I needed.

I had to be honest with her or maybe I could just wait this out.

Maybe seeing Anita getting married will finally break the pull that she has.

I doubt it though.

* * *

Early the next morning, I climbed out of the bed and grabbed my phone from the charger and walked out into the hallway.

I needed to talk this over.

And I could waste any more time.

Life was too short.

_"Hey...I was just about to call you!" _

_"Hey Britt...you have a minute?"_

_"Yea."_ I heard a door close and then the sound of keys. _"I am headed into work...why don't you meet me there...I already know what you want to talk about. So...just meet me before you say anything to her okay?"_

_"How did you know?"_

_"Because Ana tells me everything...even the stuff she knows that I don't want to hear. She also knows you very well and told me that you would probably talk to me about it. So just meet me and Frankie on stage in like twenty minutes?"_

_"Yea...okay. I'll see you on stage in twenty."_

When I ended the call, I saw that I had a text.

**_Be careful...remember?-Anita_**

**_:) Yes. I remember. Don't forget Mami is expecting you to take the kids to see her.-Ari_**

**_I'm on my way right now. See you for lunch?-Anita_**

**_Maybe.-Ari_**

**_Ok.-Anita_**

* * *

_"Hey baby!" _

I smiled when I saw Gloria preparing me a travel mug of coffee and smiling really big.

_"Were you eavesdropping?"_

She blushed.

_"No...not really?"_

_"Are you lying to me, Sister Gloria?"_

_"Okay...fine...just the last part."_

I noticed her wince when she walked over to me with the mug.

_"Why don't you sit...it might hurt a little...I wasn't too rough was I? Did I hurt you?"_

I would never forgive myself if I hurt her that badly.

_"No...I'm fine. A little sore but I'll be fine once the aspirin kicks in."_

I face palmed my forehead as I walked over to her and kissed her face.

_"I'm so sorry."_ I said as I brushed my finger across her jaw before leaning in and kissing her lips.

She smiled against me and then took a step back and looked up into my face.

_"Don't be sorry...I wanted it just as bad as you did."_

A pain hit me square in the chest and left me breathless but I disguised it with a cough.

_"You okay?"_

_"Um...yea...I just need to get ready."_

_"Oh...right...okay...hey...uh...my mom is in town and I-"_

Oh God...seriously?

I so didn't want to meet her parents, feeling like this.

Now I really felt like shit.

_"Since when?"_

I said as I pulled shirt over my head.

I really did need to get ready and it was a great excuse for my shaking hands.

_"It was a surprise. She really wants to meet you but I understand if you want to wait."_

I shook my head.

_"No...it's fine...I'm just surprised, is all."_

_"Yea me too...it's just...you're my first girlfriend and I talk about you all the time, so of course she wants to meet you."_

_"Of course."_

_"We can talk about it later...call me when you get a chance."_

_"Okay. Sounds like a plan."_

I had finished getting dressed and stood there staring at her. She kissed my face and handed me my mug and immediately I felt like I just wanted to run out of there.

But before I could, I kissed her face.

She looked anxious and worried.

I knew from experience how vulnerable losing your virginity can make you.

I didn't want that for her.

_"I love you, thank you so much for last night."_ I whispered against her lips before kissing them.

_"I love you too."_

I hadn't even had time to shower or brush my teeth but I had to get out of there.

Thankfully I could shower at the theater, I just needed out.

Things were just too much for me, right now.

I felt crowded and pressured from every direction.

I just needed space.

* * *

**_A/N: I'm feeling discouraged lately...am I doing well? I'm not so sure...hopefully I am. Let me know what you think! :)_ **


	37. Chapter 37:Just Give Me a Reason

_**A/N: I don't confess to be a romantic...but I think I did something in this chapter that suggests differently...thanks for the reviews and likes and adds. You guys are so amazing! :)**_

* * *

**Chapter 37: Just Give Me a Reason (P!nk feat. Fun.)**

* * *

**_I just needed out._**

**_Things were just too much for me, right now._**

**_I felt crowded and pressured from every direction._**

**_I just needed space._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I shouldn't even be helping her with this.

Am I insane?

Well...a little...but still...if at any time in my life...when it came to the woman I wanted to marry, I had every right to be selfish.

But I wasn't.

I couldn't be.

And it was kind of pissing me off.

I picked up Frankie and Benny on my way to the theater.

She looked frustrated as she wiped his face with her hands.

He looked like he was having a bad morning.

And from the feeling in my stomach, I knew that it was probably a sign.

I should have known the moment that I woke up to Ana sitting over me with her journal in her hands, that today was a lost cause.

Frankie was busy getting Benny situated in Izzy's car seat while I thought about my morning.

* * *

_"Can I talk to you?"_

_"Doesn't seem like I have a choice."_ I groaned as I sat up in bed.

Ana was sitting there just hovering and it was really annoying.

I had been up until midnight with Izzy and I was tired.

So being awaken at five wasn't something that I was happy about.

But from the looks of it, Ana hadn't slept at all.

The dark circles under her eyes and the way they looked all bloodshot told me so.

_"No...you do have a choice. I can wait."_

I had seen what waiting did to her.

Drugs. Lies. Violence.

_"No...we can talk. Maybe while I shower?"_

She nodded and slid down from the bed.

_"I'll get it started for you."_

Yep.

It definitely wasn't going to be a good morning.

* * *

_"Hey, Britt..you okay?"_ I realized that Frankie was waving her hand in front of my face when I heard a car horn.

I had totally spaced out.

_"Yea...sorry. My mind is all over the place."_

_"What's wrong?"_

_"Ari and Ana."_

_"Oh." _

I had told Frankie all about the relationship between the two women and she told me that sometimes she feels like that about me.

And I get that...I was obsessed with her when I first met her.

But I put a wall up.

Why can't they?

_"I just wish they would go at it already...just have sex and get it out of their system."_

_"Seriously?" _Frankie said as she looked at me in shock._ "Did that work the day that Santana had me in her bedroom...did it help you get me out of your system?"_

_"Of course it didn't."_

_"Then maybe that idea won't work for them."_

My head was aching as I tried to figure out how I was going to deal with Ari.

I had told her to keep Gloria out of it, not to protect Ari but to protect Gloria.

That girl didn't deserve to hurt like I was.

I, at least was a little used to it, but from the way she was freaking out yesterday, Gloria definitely wouldn't be able to handle this.

* * *

_"Go in...I'll be in...I just need a moment."_

Frankie nodded as she took Benny inside.

I was pacing on Broadway like a crazy person as I tried to figure out my head.

My phone buzzed and even though I wanted to ignore it, I couldn't, not with Ana watching the kids.

I trusted her but things happen.

I know that now.

**_Just got to Mami's she's going with me to the hotel.-Ana_**

**_Thnks.-Britt_**

**_You okay? Are we okay?-Ana_**

**_No and maybe.-Britt_**

**_:/-Ana_**

**_I cn't lie.-Britt_**

**_Thanks for telling me the truth. Try and have a good morning. See you for lunch?-Ana_**

**_Dnnr.-Britt_**

**_Oh ok. Dinner.-Ana_**

**_Ily-Britt_**

**_I love you too, B. :)-Ana_**

* * *

When I got to the stage, Ari was already dressed in her leotard and leaping in the air.

She was all alone, even though this was an official rehearsal day and then I remembered that we were about two hours early.

I stood down near the edge of the stage and knocked on the stage.

Ari came down from her leaping and walked to the edge of the stage.

_"Hey...do you need me to do something specific?"_

_"No...right now you and I need to talk...we can start dancing in a little while, when everyone gets here."_

_"Oh...okay."_

Ari swallowed hard and then turned towards the side of the stage so that she could meet me at my office.

I looked around the theater and could see that the set team had already been here, that was good.

This plan would work out.

But I needed to make sure that my relationship was still there when this was over.

I needed to deal with what could break us because if Ana did...I don't think things would go well.

Frankie was right this couldn't be solved with sex.

That had been my first solution but it didn't really help me.

Things like this had to be dealt with carefully and sex just wasn't it.

Them having sex would hurt a lot of people. It wasn't like when I was still cheating...where I was just doing it quietly...this would just be messy.

So definitely no sex.

No...this was something that couldn't be solved overnight but Ari needed to know that I was putting my foot down.

I had given her so much room to be open and free with Ana but now we had to draw a line.

Because it was going to lead to something more.

* * *

When I finally made my way up to my office, Ari was sitting on my couch looking like she wanted to cry.

I dropped my duffel bag next to my desk and then shut my door.

She looked up at me and tried to smile but it looked wrong when her eyes were showing me so much sadness.

_"I'm a terrible person, Britt."_

_"Don't do that...I can't...deal with that. I can't pity you right now. Lets just talk."_

I held up my hands so she could see that I was serious.

My head hurt too much to try and think of ways to boost up her feelings.

In fact, that was the opposite of what I wanted to do.

Right now I wanted to push her down a flight of stairs for wanting what was mine, but that wouldn't solve anything.

When had I become so possessive of Ana?

Had I always been this way?

_"Okay."_ She said as she scooted over on the couch.

But I just couldn't sit.

I needed to stand, in fact, I needed to stand across the room, against my desk so that I didn't hurt her.

That's how angry I was about the whole situation.

_"You look like you want to eat me alive."_ Ari said with a chuckle.

_"Don't laugh...this isn't funny. None of it is."_

Her face got serious again as she looked at me with sad eyes.

_"I'm sorry, Britt."_

_"When I first met you...I didn't like you. I think I have made that clear to you but still when you needed me, I gave your life back to you. I got you the audition for this job and I have let you get as close to my wi...um...fiance as you wanted. I never complained but now its out of control and it needs to stop."_

I looked at her and waited for her to say something but she just sat there with her mouth half open and looked in my eyes with...anger?

Was she mad at me for telling her the truth?

She had no right.

Right?

* * *

_"I really wish that you hadn't just thrown saving my life into this."_

Her voice was cold as she looked at me.

Up until now I didn't really see much of Ana in Ari but now she was looking at me...well through me and I could see Ana staring back at me.

She was on her feet now looking at me with squinted eyes.

But I didn't feel guilty.

_"Okay...maybe not. I'm sorry I said that. I just need you to see that you and Ana can't happen."_

She was in front of me now, pointing a finger at her chest as her eyes watered.

_"Don't you think I know that? I wish that I could stop how I feel. Make my heart love Gloria the way that I love Santana but it's not that fucking simple. I can't just magically make it stop."_

_"If I could stop feeling like that about Frankie than you can about Ana."_

I felt like my argument was falling flat.

Ari's eyes were starting to intimidate the crap out of me.

_"What you felt for Frankie isn't even half as strong as the feelings that I have for her or that she has for me. Isn't that what this is really about? You know that she can't stop her feelings so you are trying to get me to stop. Are you too afraid to tell her she can't see me anymore? Is that what this is?"_

Yes.

_"No. I just want you to try to stop them."_

Now she was yelling and shaking her hands in front of her.

_"I am! I am trying so fucking hard!"_ She screamed before dropping to her knees and crying into her hands. _"I-I fucking tried so hard that I pressured Gloria into letting me take her virginity."_ She was sobbing now.

It was one of those rare moments when I remembered that Ari had feelings.

Sometimes she is so cold and stiff that I forget that she can feel stuff.

And now I felt like crap.

Now my head was screaming at me to sit down.

I back up from her and sat against my desk.

What could I say to that?

There were no words.

I just wished that I had let Ana come like she wanted to.

Because she would know the perfect thing to say.

But I wasn't her and I had no clue how to make my lead dancer get up from the floor of my office.

How was I going to motivate her to put her heart into dancing now?

* * *

Thank God for Frankie.

She knocked on the door just as I was feeling like I wanted to jump out of the window.

_"Britt...the cast is here and ready to rehearse...oh and Frank is in a pissy mood...so I wouldn't waste any time getting down to the stage."_

Something that I loved about Ari was that she was a professional.

Because just like that she was on her feet wiping her face clean.

_"Ar-"_ I went to speak...to say what, I wasn't even sure exactly but she held up her hand and cut me off.

_"Enough of this...I'll back off. After this show is done...and my mom goes home. I will back off. I promise."_

And suddenly the weight of her words was way too heavy.

This was not good.

Ana was going to be pissed.

Because I think I pushed Ari passed the point where she could just be friends like Quinn.

Now she was either going to be spiteful or she was just going to not talk to Ana at all.

Either way was going to suck.

_"That's not wh-"_ I went to say but she just shook her head and then stormed out of my office.

When the door slammed I felt my head nearly explode.

This was definitely not a good day.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"So how are you feeling, Titi Lydia?"_ I sat with the woman who taught me how to cook and who had been a second mother to me and felt my heart clench in my chest.

_"I'm tired, Anita. I've never felt so tired in all of my life."_ She laughed and then pressed her fingers to her temples before looking up at me.

Her greyish hazel eyes were exactly the same as Ari's.

She was so beautiful and even in her pain, she still had an air of confidence.

_"So it's too much to ask if you enjoyed the plane ride?"_

_"Ay mija, it was the first plane ride I had since Ariana was just out of diapers. What...fifteen years or so...it was peaceful."_

_"And your stay here last night?"_

_"Everything is great. Thank you for doing this."_

_"It wasn't just me, Titi. Everyone had something to do with it...including Arita."_

_"Ay, Ariana...she seemed so troubled. I hate that I am doing this to her." _

_"Titi, nobody blames you."_

_"I know my daughter, Anita and even if she doesn't tell you so, she's mad at me for this. I knew about her Cancer coming back and I didn't even call. I was so judgmental of her and of you...so I know she's mad at me."_

_"When you say that you were judgmental...does that mean...that...you changed your mind?"_

_"I hadn't. Not until I saw that ring on your finger and that baby in your arms."_

Mami had the kids down in the lobby while she waited for Pa to show up, so that I could have some time to just talk to Titi Lydia. I needed to talk to her about Ari and the disowning because I knew that they were both too proud to bring it up by themselves.

_"How so?"_

That hadn't been the answer that I was expecting.

_"When I was coming up...there was no gay marriage and the idea of gays having families of their own was impossible. Then I saw you, getting ready to get married, holding your daughter. And it hit me...that you are no different from me. You love Brittany enough to raise your children with her and build a life with her, just like me and Gabriel. When you were with my nephew...you were never this happy. Now...you are glowing and even though she seemed so sad...I see my daughter glowing. Has she found love?"_

She never lost it, I thought to myself but then realized that I couldn't say that.

There was enough issue with me telling Britt.

So I just smiled and nodded my head.

_"Yes...she's in love with a great woman who loves her so much."_

_"And she's happy?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then, I am happy for her. Just promise me something?"_

_"Okay?"_

_"Promise me that you will look out for her when I'm gone. Love her even in moments when she doesn't love herself."_

_"I promise you, she will always feel loved."_

_"Thank you, mija."_

* * *

_"Titi...see." _Isaac held up Elmo shirt so that she could see it._ "I wuv Ewmo."_

_"God bless him." _She said as she turned back to her conversation with Mami.

I was sitting on the floor changing Daniela's diaper while Isaac talked to Mami and Titi.

_"Santana...I think he has to use the bathroom."_

My head snapped up and sure enough, Isaac was holding himself and doing a dance.

I scooped up Daniela and handed her to Mami while I helped my son find a bathroom.

Soon enough I would have Daniela doing this too.

Potty training two toddlers at the same time, was definitely not something that I thought about when I decided to get pregnant again.

In the kids bathroom there is a special toilet seat so that Isaac doesn't fall into the toilet and since this wasn't home, I had to stand over him and practically hold him about the toilet seat.

He rested his head against me and began to sing to himself.

After what seemed like an eternity he stopped singing.

_"I finished." _

I sighed in relief because my knuckles were screaming at me to not move them anymore but it was impossible.

Once Isaac was clean enough, I lifted him so he could wash his hands, he really just played with the bubbles on his hands but at least there was soap involved. I couldn't stand a kid with sticky hands.

Ugh.

_"Down Mami!" _

_"Fine."_

I tried not to be offended.

* * *

I opened the bathroom door and let him run back into the hotel room.

When I went to step out, I was being pushed backwards.

Before I could see who was pushing me the door was closing and I was being pressed against the wall.

_"What the fuck?"_ I said as I looked up into Ari's eyes.

_"I fucked up."_ She said to me with wild eyes.

She looked out of breath as she stared at me.

_"What happened?"_

_"I was just trying to fix things...but I think I made it worse. I don't think I can do this anymore."_

_"Do what?"_

_"Fight this. Lie to myself."_ There were tears in her eyes as she looked at me.

I put my hands on her face and held her there because I knew that she was going to try to kiss me and I just couldn't let her do that.

_"Arita...calm down."_

_"No! I can't...don't you see...we have been fooling ourselves."_

_"Stop it. We said we would try...this isn't trying." _

My will power was weakening as she pressed me against the wall.

I wanted her here and now, but we couldn't.

And just like her timing...my phone started ringing.

The ringtone told me immediately that it was Britt.

I reached for my phone but Ari grabbed my hand before I could.

_"Ariana...please? We need to think clearly."_

_"I am thinking clearly...for the first time in my life...I think."_ She said with a hysterical laugh.

My phone went off again and I pulled my hand away.

I managed to grab my phone and answer it before Ari could make another move.

* * *

_"Is she there?"_

As she yelled into the phone I could tell that Britt was beyond pissed off.

_"Y-yea."_ I stuttered as Ari stared into my eyes.

She was scaring me.

I didn't like this one bit.

_"Tell her that if she doesn't get back to the theater in the next ten minutes that she's fired."_

Ari's face dropped when she heard the coldness in Britt's voice

She took a step back and looked at me with fear in her eyes.

If she thought that she had fucked up before,

Now it was really getting serious.

_"She heard you, B."_

_"It's nine minutes now. Tick tock." _

Britt hung up in my ear and even though it made me feel like shit that she used me as a messenger, I got it.

Her ass was on the line and Ari was making things personal, Britt had lost this job once and was not going to lose it again.

_"You better go...I know you don't want to lose that job." _

_"I'm not going to change my mind about us. Britt wants war...she's fucking got it."_

What the fuck just happened?

Were they fighting over me?

Was that even necessary?

I had no idea what was going on but I wasn't going to let their shit ruin things for Titi.

* * *

**Gloria's POV**

* * *

I showed up to the theater around lunch time with my mom and sister.

Ari hadn't been answering her phone all morning and so I called Brittany and she told me to come by.

We sat in the back row and silently watched as Ari and Tucker moved across the stage to an Alicia Keys song.

I felt my stomach tighten as I remembered what I had done with Ari the night before.

She was graceful even then.

But on stage...she was like a bird, all graceful and carefree.

There was something wrong though.

And it was written all over her face.

She looked frustrated, especially when Brittany would pause the music to show Ari how she wanted something done.

There was almost a murderous glare to her look.

Brittany though for her part looked equally as angry.

Something was definitely up and I was now second guessing whether I wanted my mom and sister here with me.

_"So that's her?"_ Mama asked as she watched Ari move.

_"Yes."_

_"Wow, sissy, she is really hot. Wow. If I was gay...I'd totally go after her."_

I looked at my baby sister like she was out of her mind.

_"Aren't you in enough trouble as it is?"_

_"What? Your future niece or nephew is not trouble."_ She rubbed her little belly that had been news to me this morning.

_"Maybe if you were old enough to take care of it."_

_"Mama?"_ She whined.

My mom was ready to interject but Ari took care of that for her.

She and Brittany were standing dangerously close to each other and yelling really loud.

I heard my name a few times and then Santana's and I knew that I needed to get my mom out of there.

_"We should go."_

I grabbed my purse and went to stand but then Ari was calling my name.

I froze and looked towards the stage and Ari broke into a smile.

I looked at my mom and she just nudged me forward.

_"Go on up there...she's calling you."_

_"Come with me?"_ I held out my hand until Mama took it.

I had a feeling that both Brittany and Ari would behave if I had back up.

At least that was my prayer.

* * *

The moment that Ari met my mom and sister, it was like she forgot all about arguing with Brittany.

_"So have you guys eaten?"_

I shook my head no and she looked over at Brittany.

_"Go ahead...but be right back here by two so that we can work through this number with the rest of the girls."_

Ari nodded and then wrapped her arm around my shoulder and led us off the stage.

She was definitely upset but I already knew that I wasn't going to get anywhere with her while my family was around.

So all through lunch I had to sit there while she charmed my mom and my sister into loving her.

But I could see it in her eyes that she was upset and even a little guilty.

This was about Santana, I was sure of it.

Otherwise, Brittany wouldn't have snapped like she did.

Which explained the guilt but why the anger?

I had so many questions on my mind that I wanted Ari to answer but before I knew it, she was saying how she needed to get back to work and how she would see me for dinner.

_"So tell me Ariana, are you as crazy about my daughter as we are?"_

Ari sat there looking at Mama with a smirk on her face.

_"With all due respect, I think I am crazier than you guys about her. In fact...I can see myself spending the rest of my life with a woman just like her."_

Mama hugged Ari tight and welcomed her into our family.

I smiled as I watched their interaction but I still couldn't push away that feeling that something was incredibly wrong.

* * *

I love my family, we are insanely close, but when I dropped my mom and sister off at their hotel, I couldn't be happier.

Back in my dorm room, I realized how much like sex it smelled so I ended up cleaning it from top to bottom, including my blood stained sheets.

Suddenly that pang I had been feeling all day long, turned to dread.

What if Ari was having second thoughts about us?

She had never said she wanted to spend her life with ME, she said a woman just LIKE me and as far as I knew there was only one woman out there that was just like me.

Santana Lopez.

This was so not good.

I was suddenly reviewing everything that Ari had said or done all day.

She had been off center all morning.

And at lunch she was totally out of character.

Of course Mama didn't know any different but I did.

I was losing her.

I could feel it in my bones.

Of course I tried to think that maybe it was about her mom.

Or the stress of the show but I knew better.

I knew that this was about Santana.

This just wasn't fair.

* * *

I was going through my clothes and a piece of paper fell out my jacket pocket.

It was covered in gold stars and the script on it was swirly and neat.

I opened it and when I read the first line, I ended up breathless as I leaned back against my door.

**_Gloria,_**

**_Ari is going to break your heart but I can tell that she loves you. _**

**_If you are willing to love her back and stick by her for a long time, _**

**_then you _****_have to make sure you put your foot down with her and _**

**_Santana. _****_I know I may be overstepping but you are too nice to be in _**

**_the dark _****_about this._**

**_Rachel Berry_**

I was sick.

My stomach was clenching and flipping as I thought of all the years that I had held back from temptation.

I was waiting for the woman I married.

Was that the guilt that I saw in Ari's eyes?

This was not good.

I sat against my door with my head in my hands, sobbing over my lost virginity.

Ari was going to leave me.

I was sure of it.

There was no other explanation.

I was full of doubt and worry.

_"Papa Dios, ayudame."_

* * *

At some point I fell asleep right where I sat.

I was disoriented when I woke up and kept hearing a banging coming from behind me.

That's when I realized that I was still sitting against the door.

I pushed up from the floor and brushed my fingers through my hair a few times before pulling door open.

_"Great." _I muttered as I stepped back and let Santana walk inside.

_"Nice to see you too."_

She was bundled up and looked like she had been standing out in the cold hall for awhile.

I shut the door and then leaned against it again.

_"I'm sorry...it's just..."_ I began crying again as I slid back down into my sitting position.

I was so embarrassed.

With all the things about Santana that I had heard, I never expected her to crouch down and rub my back.

_"I know that this might seem crazy...but do you want to talk about it?"_

_"I don't even know what it is."_

_"Ari didn't tell you?"_

I looked up into her eyes feeling the dread turn into a fear like none that I had ever felt.

_"You told me just yesterday...that you were not a threat! Tell me that wasn't a lie?"_ I squeaked out. _"Because I just put my heart and my purity out on the line for her and now she's acting...distant."_

_"Are you a virgin?"_ She looked at me in shock.

_"Was...until last night."_

_"I'm going to kill her."_ She growled before looking at me with pity.

I hated pity.

_"Did you sleep with her?"_ I asked finally.

Santana shook her head and sucked her lips into her mouth before sitting down fully on the floor.

_"I would never do that to you. I'm not...going to take her from you. I love Brittany and I'm going to marry her. Ari...she's just hurting so bad right now and she's reaching out for what's familiar. I will admit that I was a bit jealous when I met you...because you are a threat to me. It was just always like, if Britt and I never got our shit together and moved on from each other...Ari was in my back pocket...but now she's in love. And I mean that...she loves you. I am your number one fan right now...she's going to push you away, that's why I'm here. You needed to hear it from me. I'm not going to let her fuck up what she has with you. She has it in her head right now that she wants to fight Britt for me. It's not going to happen. Britt wins that fight blindfolded with her hands behind her back. She is it for me just like you are it for Ari."_

_"So what you're saying is right now she is all about getting with you?"_

I felt like someone was choking me.

_"It's out of spite. Britt told her to back off of me and she is pissed about it. It's about pride. Look...she is going to push you away. Fight for her. Because she needs you right now more than she needs me."_

_"I don't know how to fight someone who doesn't want to be with me."_

She nodded and then took a deep breath and tried to explain again.

_"Look, that's just it. She does want you, she does love you, she is just not in her right frame of mind right now. Don't hold this against her...please?"_

_"How do I know you won't swoop in and change your mind?"_

_"Because I love her with my everything but I am in love with Britt. There is no one that I would rather spend my life with than her. No one. I swear to you."_

I felt the door moving behind me.

It had to be Ari.

_"Gloria? Baby...are you blocking the door, I can't get in?"_

_"Come back later." _I said loudly.

I could hear the tears in my voice so I knew she could.

She started knocking over and over again.

_"Please? You have no idea what I've been through today...please, I need to talk to you about something."_

_"Let her in." _Santana whispered._ "I have to get back to the kids anyway."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"What do you mean she left? Where did she go?" _

_"You need to calm down, B. She left them with me, I am their godmother. It's not a big deal."_

I was cleaning up a pool of throw up that Izzy had left on the kitchen floor as I was walking in the door.

He wasn't feeling any better and it was written all over his face.

_"Mama...no good...Mama!" _He whined as he lifted his arms up to me.

Quinn put Dani down in her play pen and walked towards Izzy but I stepped in front of her.

_"No...I got him. Can you just put the baby to bed...please?"_

_"Yea...no problem."_

_"Did she say where she was going?"_

I picked up Izzy and he immediately put his head down on my shoulder.

His skin was hot to the touch and from the sound of the wheezing coming from him,

I knew that he was going to have an asthma attack soon.

I didn't wait for Quinn to answer me as I rushed to the bathroom and turned on the warm water.

I stripped Izzy down and then sat him on his toilet.

_"Pee first so we can get cleaned up again...okay?"_

He nodded at me and closed his eyes as he concentrated.

Usually it would make me laugh to see him do that but I was worried about him.

His asthma had been under control for months and I knew from past experiences that once it started it usually stayed around for a few days.

Izzy opened his eyes and looked at me before closing them again.

_"Are you done?"_

_"Yes." _He said as he opened his eyes again, he looked exhausted.

I cleaned him up and then put him into the warm tub.

He stood there looking at me.

_"Izzy, sit down little man."_

_"No. I want Mami wash me."_

I tried to bite back my frustration because I wanted his Mami here too.

She was supposed to be here.

So where the fuck had she gone?

* * *

Izzy was throwing a huge tantrum.

Usually they were only something he did with me and it made me madder.

But I didn't take it out on him, he was sick and just wanted Ana's comfort.

She hadn't been here the night before when he cried himself to sleep on her pillow.

Now that she was around more, it really bummed him out when she wasn't around him.

I have no idea how I managed to get Izzy's whole body and hair cleaned but I did it.

I was soaked from head to shoe when I was done, but at least he was clean.

Once Izzy was in my arms, he stopped screaming and his cries became gentler.

But he kept saying the same thing over and over again.

And each time I had a pang in my chest.

_"I want Mami, I want Mami, I want Mami."_

_"Shhh...she's coming. She'll be here." _

I pressed my lips to his forehead and could feel that his fever had lessened but he was still wheezing.

_"I want Mami, now!"_ He screamed as I put him down on his feet.

I nearly broke into tears when I saw him stomp his foot and cross his arms over his chest.

He was definitely Ana's son.

I rushed through getting Izzy dressed even with him whining and even though he had been doing well going to the bathroom, I put a pull up on him just in case.

He tried to yank at it but I quickly pulled on his Elmo shorts. Shorts that he never wanted to take off.

I was tired.

* * *

_"Mami!"_ His voice was strained as he called out to Ana.

_"Hey Papa! Dama said you got sick?"_ She crouched down and a smell hit my nose.

_"I sick Mami."_ Izzy stuck out his lip as she went to hug him but I scooped him into my arms and made my way over to the glider.

Ana stood there looking at me with a hurt expression. It was the same face that she used to make when I would pick up the kids after they spent time with her.

But at that moment I felt I had every right to stop her from touching our son.

_"I just gave him a bath...why don't you go take one while I give him a breathing treatment."_

_"You look tired Britt...I can do it."_

I was trying not to say anything about the way she smelled as I set up the machine.

Izzy sat patiently waiting, looking straight at Ana with big sad eyes.

_"I'm fine. I can take care of him. I'm used to doing it by myself."_

She made a yelping sound and I knew that she was stung by my words but it wasn't like I was lying.

I had been a single mother for months and so this wasn't something that I wasn't used to.

_"Why are you being like this, Britt?"_

_"Can we talk about this later? Izzy is more important right now."_

_"Fine. I concede." _

I didn't turn around as she walked out of the room and closed the door.

I knew that she probably wanted to slam it but the child proofing prevented that.

* * *

_"Mami go bye?." _Izzy asked as I was putting the mask on his face.

_"Mami needed a bath she was stinky."_

_"Stinky?"_

I nodded and he smiled behind the mask before sitting back in his little recliner and closing his eyes.

I sat next to him on the glider and put on his standby Elmo DVD.

The moment the monster began to sing, Izzy's eyes shot open and he laughed.

I'm learning that everything happens for a reason. Had Izzy not gotten sick, then I probably would have stayed pissed until Ana got home.

But by the time his treatment was over and he was tucked in his bed, I was much calmer.

Now I needed to deal with things in my relationship and thankfully I had been given time to get my head together.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"What happened?"_

_"She basically kicked me out and denied me from helping with Isaac."_

_"I hope you two fix this."_

Quinn went to hug me before heading home but then stepped back and scrunched up her face.

_"Don't make that face, it's hideous."_

_"Yea well."_

She didn't finish her thought as she looked me over before leaning in and smelling my face.

_"What the fuck, Q? You're being weird."_

_"Were you smoking?"_

_"I haven't smoked in forever. You know that."_

_"Great non answer."_

_"I thought you were leaving?"_

_"Well just know that you stink like super bad...cigar bad. Chances are that's why Britt didn't want your help with Izzy."_

I face palmed.

_"Shit. Is it that bad?" _

I tried smelling myself but I couldn't smell anything different than my usual smell.

_"Worse. And it's super gross that you can't even smell it!"_

_"Fuck...this is not good."_

_"Look, I wish I could listen to what your explanation is for why you reek but I have to go...call me later or in the morning, okay?"_

_"Yea, yea...I'll see you tomorrow." _I said, half listening to her.

Instead of our usual hug, Q punched my shoulder and then left me standing there feeling like an idiot.

Fucking Ari.

One more thing that I would have to explain to Britt.

The past few days had just been too much of a strain for me, I had craved drugs more in the past few days then I had in months.

I was sorely starting to miss my room back in Lima, things sucked there but they were simple.

Being back in Manhattan was so overwhelming and I knew that I wanted to start looking for a new place as soon as possible.

I needed to find solid ground and I hadn't really been given that chance.

Things were feeling rocky.

And I was beginning to feel a bit lost.

The world had kept moving without me while I was gone, things here though, seemed good but now it was like the moment that I got back to the city, drama started.

Did it follow me around?

Was I the cause of it?

I didn't know anything anymore.

All I knew for certain was that I was tired.

Of everything and quickly becoming tired of everyone with the exception of my children.

And as a newly engaged woman, that shouldn't be the case.

* * *

It wasn't until I stripped out my clothes that I could see just how strong the smell of the smoke was.

It was gag worthy.

And if that was just my clothes, I couldn't imagine what my fingers and hair smelled like.

How had I been able to hide the fact that I was a smoker from people when I was in high school?

Now I wasn't so hurt by Britt.

I got it.

No wonder she was pissed off.

I stepped into the shower, moaning uncontrollably as the hot water spilled over my head and shoulders.

It was like manna from heaven, as I felt the tension leave my neck and the pounding in my head lessened to a dull ache.

For a few moments, I just stood there without moving, trying to get my head together.

Things couldn't be like this right now.

This was not how I wanted to end one year and go into the next.

I hadn't been awake last year during this time and so I had promised myself that I would enjoy every moment but now...I was breaking that promise.

Because I hadn't enjoyed myself since the game of flashlight tag back at the hotel.

Had it been that long?

Something had to give.

Before I started to break.

* * *

When I finally made it out of the shower, my skin felt sensitive and raw. I had scrubbed myself down a few times and had even washed my hair twice.

I didn't want any traces of the offensive smell to be on my body while I was talking to Britt.

I didn't want to upset her any more then I already had.

Showering was definitely a start

So when I stepped out of the shower, I felt just tiny bit better about my night.

Even though I was still apprehensive.

Especially since I could hear Britt moving around in the bedroom.

I was afraid to face her but I knew that I had to.

When I had told her how my feelings for Ari were becoming a little more than the usual, she looked at me like I had struck her.

She didn't cry though, or yell or anything that I thought she would do.

She simply kissed my lips and told me that we would deal with it at a later time.

A time that she would choose because she was busier than me with the show.

I had felt guilty because she was doing it for me, because of me, for Ari.

It was in that moment that I recognized just how much she had matured and just how much she trusted me.

So it was no surprise that now, standing there facing the first alone time we would have all day, that I felt like I wanted to just disappear.

The door opened and I tried to act like my normal self.

I stood there drying myself off, taking the time to wring out my hair but Britt had different plans.

She knew I was stalling so now she was storming straight to me.

I was thrown off completely though, when she came to stand directly in front of me and ripped the towel from my hands.

I didn't protest or really react at all.

What should I have done?

I just stood there and waited to see what her next move would be.

Britt had a wicked smile on her face as she walked me backwards until my bare back was pressed against the cool tile of the wall.

My sensitive skin went into shock and sent tingles all over my body.

I opened my mouth to speak but she put a finger to my lips and shook her head.

She wanted my silence and after all the stuff that was going on, I could give her that much.

I would be silent forever if it was what would make this crap go away.

If it would make us better, I would hand over the control for good.

She dropped the towel on the floor and then sunk to her knees.

This was definitely not what I was expecting.

But I had denied her love long enough.

* * *

_"Oh God."_ I whispered as Britt blew on my clit.

At the sound of my words she pulled back and looked up at me.

_"Don't make a sound or I'll stop."_

I looked down at her and could see the warning in her eyes.

We hadn't done this in a while.

When we had first started messing around all those years ago, we had toyed around with dominance.

We never got into the whole like spanking thing, but more of the power plays.

It usually happened when there was an incident like this one.

One of us felt so out of place in the relationship or was doubting our worth.

It was hard to explain but usually it was me that caused this.

Britt would feel inferior and so she would take charge or I would get down on myself and she would take control.

Usually afterwards, she was her bubbly self and we would smooth things over.

After I had been humbled.

And forgiven.

And right now, I need the latter more than anything.

We hadn't been in this place since before Marco came back to town.

Our plays for dominance after him led to physical altercations.

She was pleading with me to go back to the time before him.

Before the hurt and lies.

Before the cheating and the drugs.

A clean slate.

She didn't move until I finally took a breath and nodded.

Even if I didn't think I deserved her love at the moment...I agreed, knowing that she was going to get me to that place that I needed to be.

I was willing to put it all out on the line.

Because I wanted this...I wanted us more than anything in the world.

* * *

I saw stars as she sucked my clit into her mouth and then put my leg on her shoulder.

The urge to moan was strong but I didn't make a sound.

I couldn't take my eyes off of hers as she watched me.

She had a look in her eyes that said more than words could ever say.

I bit down on my lip as she put her fingers inside of me.

It had been a really long time since I had been touched there, months and so I was tighter than usual.

I hissed as she spread me wider than I had been in forever.

All the sensations were times ten in intensity.

But the bad feelings were still there.

I wasn't good enough for her.

Being in Lima was the best thing I had done for her and the kids.

I forgot that she was watching me, my expressions and most important, my eyes.

Britt could read me like a book and she saw the doubt there.

And seconds later she inserted another finger and then replaced her tongue with her thumb.

My mouth hung open as a short and small orgasm shook me.

Britt was on her feet now, pressing me against the wall as she worked her fingers in and out, thrusting with everything she had.

* * *

_"Stop thinking you're not good enough."_ She whispered against my ear as she used her other hand to brush the small of my back before gripping my ass tightly.

I knew what she was going to do...and I tensed up immediately.

It had taken me years to allow her to go there with me.

Especially after it being a punishment from Marco.

But she had worn me down one day and I had allowed it.

It had blown my mind just how different it had felt.

How much it enhanced my orgasm and made me feel complete seemed unreal.

Even still, she knew my history and only did it occasionally.

Britt was nothing if not considerate at my most vulnerable moments.

She always warned me first by giving my ass a firm squeeze and then the eye contact.

Even though I didn't really have a choice at the moment, she was still staring at me and waiting.

I nodded and leaned my head back against the wall, watching her eyes as she moved her fingers towards her goal.

_"Relax, baby."_ She whispered before grazing past my lips and kissing my nose.

I tried my best to relax but it wasn't working so she gave a hard flick to my clit and my body contracted and then released.

I shuddered against her and ground down onto her hand.

Wanting more.

She hadn't moved her fingers in an eternity and I was getting antsy.

I wanted to yell and scream and kick things.

Move. Move. Move.

I kept chanting in my head.

She smirked and then began to move agonizingly slow.

It was all I could focus on.

The soft caress against my clit and the gentle thrust of her fingers inside of me.

All these years and Britt still is the master of distraction.

Because I hadn't even felt her press into me from behind until she began to move her fingers back there.

My eyes slammed shut and my head fell forward onto her shoulder.

I was all pleasuring aches and orgasmic sensations.

In a world beyond words.

* * *

All I could do was feel her touching me, filling me and loving me.

Loving me despite all the drama, the late night confessions, and all the hurt in between.

_"Tell me that you still love me, Ana...tell me that you still want me...and if not...tell me you love me enough to let me go."_

Even in my haze of feelings, the pang in my chest was enough to tell me that she was pushing past her hurt.

The pang collided with the most intense orgasm of my life.

The kind that had me biting my lip so hard that I could taste the tangyness of my blood.

A feeling so astronomically bitter but sickeningly sweet filled me as fireworks and bright lights filled my head.

I was so wrapped up in it that I didn't feel her move her hands from inside me.

I was so far gone that I didn't realize we had moved until I was back under the stream of water.

Britt held me tightly as I heard sobbing and whispering.

I looked up at her and realized that her eyes while bloodshot were dry.

The sobbing and the declarations of love were coming from me.

From beyond my conscious mind.

_"I love you, always and only you. I love you so much Brittany and I will go to my grave knowing that it has always and only been you. I don't care what I have to do to prove it. Even if I was once unworthy...I know in your eyes I'm good enough and that is enough for me."_

The words were tumbling from my mouth before I had a chance to think about them.

She was holding me tight and looking into my eyes in awe.

* * *

I hadn't been this honest with her...ever.

I was raw and open.

My passion was alive as I looked at her and for the first time in a long time, I felt good enough.

To be loved.

To be touched.

And wanted...I felt worthy of her.

My love for Ari was strong, it was primal but this...was inexplicably the love that God had meant for me in this life.

Britt got who I was and what I needed better than even I did.

And I would fight with and for her.

This was love.

I got it now.

And she could see that I had.

_"What took you so long?"_ She whispered as she saw the understanding flood my eyes and smiled.

_"All that matters is that I get it now, B."_

_"I love you."_ She whispered.

And then for the first time since she entered the bathroom, she brought her lips to mine.

Kissing me with everything she had.

Because now I knew, without the shadow of a doubt that I was hers.

And it gave me peace.

* * *

**_A/N: Hey my readers...I have always had issues figuring out love. For most people its more natural than breathing...and for others...it's harder. This scene kind of made me feel a spark of understanding. Someday...maybe I'll get to where Ana just got to. Anyway...I hope you enjoyed it...review and tell me about it. _**

**_Lots of love! _**


	38. Chapter 38:Carry On

**Chapter 38: Carry On (Fun.)**

* * *

**_"I love you."_**** She whispered.**

**And then for the first time since she entered the bathroom, she brought her lips to mine.**

**Kissing me with everything she had.**

**Because now I knew, without the shadow of a doubt that I was hers.**

**And it gave me peace.**

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"Is this the twilight zone?"_

_"What do you mean Luce?"_

_"It's nothing."_

I climbed into the bed and tried to forget what I just thought I saw.

Celia wrapped her arms around me and kissed the back of my neck as she spooned me.

I sighed deeply and tried to get my eyes to close again.

It was way too early to be awake.

I had just left San's less than two hours ago.

My eyes were closed and I was sinking into sleep but I couldn't quite get comfortable again.

After spending an endless amount of time rolling over and adjusting the covers, Celia had enough.

_"Luce!"_ She groaned before straddling me and pinning my hands above my head. _"Get a grip, babe. What the hell is wrong with you? What's got your panties in a bunch."_

_"I'm not wearing panties."_ I snarked.

She cocked an eyebrow and I burst out in laughter.

Nervous laughter so obnoxious that I snorted.

She was so freaking distractable.

She leaned in to kiss me but I turned my face so her lips landed on my cheek.

_"Tease."_

_"You like it."_ I said as I leaned up and sucked her bottom lip into my mouth.

She growled and I bit down just enough to hear the hiss.

We made out hot and heavy until I was pretty sure she had forgotten my odd behavior.

But then just like her baby sister, a dog with a bone...she pulled back and looked at me.

_"Tell me what's bothering you."_

_"Fuck...you're not as distractable as I thought."_

_"Nope...not when your kisses even feel forced."_

Shit.

_"Seriously? Are they different?"_

Celia slid down next to me and then rested her head on her hand and looked at me.

_"Absolutely...so tell me or you can forget about getting in these shorts of mine."_

I rolled my eyes and then gave in.

_"Fine...but if I tell you...just know that I fully plan to get in those shorts of yours."_ I winked and she blushed.

Being the lightest of the Lopez sisters, it was easy to see when Ceily blushed and it was the cutest thing in the world to me.

I brought a hand to rest on her cheek just to feel the warmth.

She smiled at me and I was the distracted one.

_"Focus, Quinn."_

Her use of my name got my attention and I finally met her eyes.

_"Okay, okay...I uh...I was headed back from checking in on Beth and I could have sworn I saw Rachel running from the bathroom to Puck's room but it was from the back so I'm not one hundred percent sure."_

_"Huh."_ She grunted and then flipped onto her back. _"That makes so much fucking sense."_ She muttered to herself as she stared up at my ceiling.

_"What the heck does that mean?"_

_"Why hadn't I seen it?"_ She continued to mutter.

I was sitting up next to her as I watched her connect the imaginary dots in her head.

It was really pissing me off.

* * *

_"What? What hadn't you seen? Will you fucking tell me?"'_

She didn't seem to hear me so I reached over and pinched her nipple between my fingers.

She was suddenly staring me down and trying to slap my hand away.

_"Stop, Luce...God that fucking hurts."_

_"Tell me!" _

_"Not until you release your death grip on my precious nipple!" _She whined, poking out her lip.

_"Fine...damn you and your cute expressions...and you would think that I'm the older one?"_

_"Hey! I am not old!"_

_"Whatever you say...now tell me before I die of curiosity!"_

_"You are not going to die."_

_"I will let you do whatever perverted thing you want to me if you will just fucking tell me."_

She shot up and looked me straight in the eyes.

_"Promise?"_

_"Yes. Now tell me!"_

* * *

_"It started after you two broke up...she was like insanely calm about it...but the first time she turned to alcohol and sex with like tons of people...right?"_

_"Yea...it was mutual...we had a really long talk about it."_

_"That doesn't matter...because people don't make those kind of changes that quick...she is too happy...even when she sees me. Yesterday she hugged me. Like with sincerity...and when she saw Ari she was just as happy. I knew she was getting laid...no one is that relaxed around two exes. Nobody!"_

_"Okay?"_

_"I know I sound crazy but then there are things like how she suddenly has this really close relationship with Beth as if they spend a lot of time together and I know for a fact that they never really did. And don't you think that it's strange that Puck left for Lima for the same amount of time that she was gone on that cruise? He told me himself that he doesn't really celebrate Hannakuh like he used to. Plus...he has a tan. Are you certain that she went on that cruise with Kurt?"_

_"Yes...I know that for a fact."_

_"Okay...but I've been to Lima and it's December...how the hell did he get a tan?"_

_"Okay...yea...I didn't even think about that."_

_"So maybe it was Rachel."_

_"Good for her." _I said sarcastically even though I really meant it.

_"Are you jealous?" _Celia raised her eyebrows.

_"No. This is not jealousy." _I said looking at her seriously.

_"Then what is it?"_

_"If this is true...and they aren't being honest with me...then I have a problem with it."_

_"What are you going to do about it?"_

_"Deal with it." _

I sprang from the bed and slipped into my pajama pants.

_"Right now? It's like three in the morning."_

_"So the fuck what...I can't sleep knowing that two of the most important people in my life are lying to me."_

I swung the door open and collided straight into Rachel knocking her to the ground.

And even after all this time, old habits still existed.

_"Seriously, treasure trail!" _I growled.

* * *

Immediately I slapped a hand over my mouth.

Okay, maybe I was a little jealous.

Rachel sat back on her hands and looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

All of a sudden, she wasn't the confident diva that New York had been molding her into...

Now she was Rachel Berry, gleek and reject who just got slushied.

What the heck was up with me?

I reached down to help her up but she shook her head and jumped to her feet.

_"Af-after all this time and everything that we have been to one another, I cannot believe that you would say that to me, Quinn. I thought...we were passed that?"_

I stood there speechless as she brought her hand up and slapped me across the face before storming off in the direction of Puck's room.

What just happened?

* * *

I turned to look at Celia and could see that she was getting dressed and facing away from me.

_"Where are you going?"_ I said, snappier than I meant it.

She didn't speak as she slid into her heavy boots before grabbing her jacket.

She was pissed.

And I knew why but I wasn't going to let on that I understood this.

She attempted to pass me but I blocked the door and put my hands on her cheeks and bent her head until she was looking at me.

She looked at me long and hard before she took a step back, effectively out of my reach.

_"You obviously are in denial about your jealousy, I came here tonight to be with you and your mind is on Rachel. I just need some space tonight. I'll see you in the morning?"_

_"Yea...okay."_

_"Good night, Luce."_

She leaned over and kissed my forehead before making a quick exit.

Fucking Rachel Berry.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

Fucking Rachel Berry.

Why does she have to ruin my life?

Ever since I met that girl, things have never worked out for me.

I should of known better, I knew that I should of been watching her when she was in the same room as Gloria.

But I was distracted with my own pain.

And so she wrote this stupid note.

She forced Gloria to see me differently.

Even though I had made a mess of things on my own, before she did.

Rachel had made things even harder.

So now I have more to deal with.

More to talk about.

How the heck could I fix something like this?

I wish that I could turn back time.

* * *

It had really freaked me out last night when I realized just how far reaching my actions were.

Seeing Anita shocked me because I knew that I had crossed a line with her.

Was she there for payback?

Walking into Gloria's dorm room to find Anita sitting there on her bed made me run.

Literally.

I ran away like a wimp.

I just couldn't deal.

Things with Anita had gotten way out of control earlier that day, I hadn't meant to corner her the way I did.

It was wrong of me to challenge her relationship.

She is in love with Brittany.

I know that.

Things were just...too much for me.

And then to get back to the theater and have Britt tell me that if I don't prove to her that I'm serious that she is going replace me with my understudy. I just was at the end of my rope.

I danced harder than I ever had that afternoon and on top of that Brittany was unrelenting. She worked me straight until Gloria showed up and then the moment I got back she worked me even harder.

I had to keep reminding myself that this was for Mami.

Even if it felt like hell to even my body as I walked the two blocks home.

Britt looked satisfied when she saw me practically limping out of the theater.

She was anything but calm or considerate.

But she got her point across.

And she knew it.

Her love for Anita was intense and it wasn't until I saw the passion in her eyes as she told me that she would not allow me to fuck shit up in personal and professional worlds because I was delusional...I knew then that she would fight me to the death for Anita.

And that's when I realized...that I didn't want to fight.

It was also the panic in Anita's eyes as I spoke to her that morning that showed me that Anita was no longer the girl I fell for all those years before.

We weren't meant to be.

And it took Brittany getting me to a primal point, where it was just feeling the music and allowing my body to bend and twist, that I realized that there was only one girl in my life that I really would be willing to fight for.

I loved Gloria.

I didn't want to marry a woman just like her...I wanted to marry her...someday.

So Brittany was right, this shit with me and Anita had to stop.

Unfortunately...the time between that realization and actually seeing Anita and Gloria in the same place and at the same time, wasn't big enough for me to confront my issues.

So I ran.

* * *

I had known for a fact that Gloria wouldn't chase after me...

Anita though, she was a toss up...it depended what kind of mood she was in.

Apparently she was in the mood to run.

And even with drugs, alcohol, and two pregnancies under her belt, she was still fast.

I made it to my room two floors up as fast as my aching muscles could move and by that point she was on my heels, so when I opened my door, there wasn't even a chance that I could close it.

Especially since she pushed by me and slammed the door shut.

I was the only person left in my dorm with the exception of Gloria, both of us opting to stay in the dorms for the holidays, Anita knew that and was going to use it to her advantage.

I stood there breathless as she calmly locked the door and then planted herself right in front of it, making me feel just as cornered as I had made her feel earlier.

_"Would you like to tell me what the fuck your problem is, Ariana?"_

I was speechless...she had never talked to me like this before.

Ever.

_"Uh...uh."_ I stood there, mouth hanging open, feeling dumbstruck.

She snapped her fingers in front of my eyes and then put on her best bitch face.

A look that I hadn't gotten since we were kids.

_"You have fucking lost your mind...you took that girl's virginity...why did you do that? How far gone are you to do that to a person?"_

_"She told you that?"_

_"Do you think she had a choice? That girl is broken...you broke her."_ She was pointing a finger at my chest now and looking at me in disappointment. _"I guess violating people runs in the family, huh?"_

She could have beaten me senseless, broken all my bones, and run over me six hundred times and it still would have felt better than her even hinting at me being like my cousin.

I felt nauseous and claustrophobic as she stood her ground and looked at me like she was seeing Marco.

With disgust.

* * *

_"You're right."_ I muttered as I peeled out of my jacket and kicked off my shoes.

Anita visibly relaxed just a bit when she realized that I wasn't going to run again.

Instead of saying anything else, she pulled the chair from my desk and sat it against the door and just watched me.

_"You don't have to do that."_ I muttered as I shuffled to my roommates side of the room and began rummaging through her trunk.

_"Do what?"_

_"Block me in...I don't intend on running away again."_

_"Oh this isn't for your benefit...I just want to make sure that Gloria doesn't try and stop me from talking to you. Because you are unhinged and don't need to be around her like this."_

_"Since when do you give a shit about what I do and say when it pertains to MY girlfriend?"_

_"Since you fucking decided to make it my problem by cornering me!"_

_"Britt just pushed me past my limit. I'm sorry."_

_"Bullshit."_

_I was at a loss. _

When you have always seen a person snap at other people but never at you...it totally throws you when all of a sudden you are experiencing that side of them.

She had every reason to be pissed at me but I just didn't think she'd be this person...with me...ever.

Although I'm pretty sure that she didn't expect me to be how I had been in that hotel bathroom.

* * *

So now here I was after a long night of tears, I was sleeping outside Gloria's door waiting for her to wake up.

Anita had told me about the letter from Rachel and so I knew that Gloria had a lot going on with her.

I was seeing through blurry eyes as the sun brushed my cheeks, waking me up fully. I could smell the coffee through her door and with the size of my hangover that seemed like heaven.

So I pushed my sore body up from the floor and dropped my head. The sun was brighter and my head felt like it had been run over by a truck a few dozen times. On the floor beside me was an empty rum bottle that I stole from my roommate and cigar ashes.

Wow...I really had lost it.

I knocked lightly on the door but to my ears it sounded like gunshots.

_"Gloria?"_

The door clicked signaling that told me it was unlocked but she didn't open it.

I ran my fingers through my hair and then turned the door knob.

Fucking Rachel Berry.

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"Shhh. Let her sleep. She's been inconsolable all night."_

_"You should go."_ I said as I watched her hovering over Gloria.

_"Not until you promise that you won't hurt her again." _Leave it to Rachel fucking Berry to protect my girlfriend from me._ "I know that you think I have no right to be here...but she called me. Of everyone...including you drunkenly sleeping outside her door...she chose me. So maybe you should go clean yourself up...because seeing you like this will just make it worse. You smell."_

_"I won't hurt her."_

_"I don't believe you. I think you should just go shower and clear your head. Because I know you Ari and this person that you are now...is not you."_

_"Screw you Rachel."_

_"I'm here as a friend. You are hurting so bad and it's systematically destroying your relationship. So go get cleaned up and only come back if you are serious about this relationship."_

I knew she was right.

Even if I hated that she and Anita had inserted themselves into my love life, I knew on a basic level that I was losing myself.

Like it or not they were my family and I knew they wanted what was best for me.

So I nodded and left the room.

At least Gloria wasn't alone.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Where are you?"_

_"Still in bed with Britt...what's up?"_

_"I've been trying to reach Ari...but she's not answering her phone."_

It wasn't until then that I heard the panic in Mari's voice.

I sat up in bed, the cool air hitting my naked skin, the night before had been bliss but I knew better than to think it would last forever.

Britt held an arm around my waist and buried her face in the pillows.

They would be having a later rehearsal today before the show tomorrow, so she wanted to try and sleep.

I would have gotten up but she seemed to not want me to move as she held my waist tightly.

_"It's Lydia." _

_"Shit! What happened?"_

_"She had a seizure...she doesn't...it's not looking good."_

_"How bad is it?"_

_"The neurologist is saying that she doesn't have much time left...few days maybe. Just...can you call Ari and tell her that we are at Presbyterian Hospital?"_

_"Yea...shit...thank you Mari."_

_"Just hurry okay."_

* * *

I sat there feeling like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest.

Britt let out a loud snort and then rolled over.

I leaned over her and brushed her hair from her face before kissing her just behind her ear.

She moaned and then pulled me closer.

_"Is everything okay?"_ She mumbled.

_"I need to go...Titi Lydia is in the hospital and Ari isn't answering...she was really drunk last night when I left her, I think I may have to go scrap her off the floor."_

Britt was suddenly wide awake.

We hadn't had the chance to discuss anything after my love declarations in the shower.

I hadn't slept in almost two days and so I ended up crashing the moment I hit the bed.

Now though, it was back on her radar because I still hadn't told her where I had gone.

_"That's where you were?_

I didn't know what to say. I just sat there looking at her feeling stupid.

Why couldn't I just say that I wanted to check on Ari?

Losing my ability to lie to Brittany was not helping me.

_"Yes...but..." _

She held her hand up to stop me from talking.

_"Just go to her...she has to be at the theater at two thirty. The sooner you go...the sooner she gets to work. We can talk about this later."_

_"Please don't be mad."_

She groaned and pulled the covers over her head.

The conversation was over.

I wasn't going to push anymore because I would just end up making it worse.

* * *

I had just finished getting dressed and was doing my make-up in the bathroom when Britt walked in and proceeded to take the longest pee in the history of the world.

I looked over at her and could see that she had been crying. Her nose was red rimmed and her eyes were puffy as she looked at the wall. The exact section of wall where she blew my mind just the night before.

I felt a tremble in my bones and a quiver in my legs as I thought about what she did to me.

What the thought of her does to me.

_"Stop thinking about sex when I'm mad at you."_ She grumbled as she went to the twin sink and washed her hands.

_"I-I...huh?"_ I said as I looked at her in confusion.

_"Ugh...can you take one of the kids with you...maybe Izzy?"_

I stood there feeling nervous...I hadn't been with just Isaac since that bad day that sent my life into a tailspin.

_"Are you sure?"_ I asked not quite able to close my jaw which was stuck open.

_"He's not feeling his best and the only person that he wants is you. Maybe while you are at the hospital you can see his doctor...the lung guy?"_

_"The pulmanologist?"_

_"Yea...him."_

_"I can do that...yea."_

_"Okay...take my car since all his stuff is in there...his medical cards and his portable nebulizer are in the glove box."_

_"Yea okay."_

_"I'll go get him ready."_

She gave me a fake smile and then left the bathroom looking like a zombie.

I couldn't wait until this performance was done so that Britt and I could start to fully focus on us again because Ari had set some shit in motion between me and B and I was not happy about it.

* * *

I looked back at my son as he slept in the back seat, he was still warm but his wheezing was barely noticeable.

I tried calling Ari at least six times but she didn't answer even once.

So finally I called Gloria.

_"Hello, Gloria's phone."_

_"Rachel?" _

What the fuck?

_"Oh hi Santana. Good morning to you."_

_"What are you doing answering Gloria's phone, Rach?"_

_"She's finally asleep...I didn't want to disturb her unless it was urgent...so how can I help you?"_

_"Actually, I'm looking for Ari...have you seen her?"_

_"She slept outside Gloria's room, when she woke up smelling to the high heavens I sent her to take a shower. So she should be in her room."_

_"Okay...thanks."_

_"Anything else I can help you with?"_

_"Um...actually...do you think you could wake Gloria up for me...I need to talk to her."_

_"Is it important?"_

_"Rachel...please...please put her on the phone."_ I said through gritted teeth as I pulled up outside of Brittany Hall.

_"Fine. Just give me a minute."_

_"Hurry please?"_ I asked as nicely as I could.

And hurry she did because just a few seconds later a groggy sounding Gloria answered.

* * *

_"Santana?"_

_"Hey...how are you doing?"_

_"I've been better but I'm alive"_

_"Good...listen, I need you to shower and get dressed as quickly as you can because even though she hurt you, Ari really needs you and me today. Okay?"_

_"I was afraid you would say that."_

_"I am really not happy with her right now...but this is about her mom, not her."_

There was a long pause and so I used the opportunity to reach back towards my son.

He was still fast asleep and I really didn't want to disturb him but I was thinking that I was going to have to go inside and get Ari myself.

_"She doesn't want me to meet her mom."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"She said that she didn't want to make her uncomfortable."_

_"Lydia already knows about you...just get dressed...please?"_

_"Okay...I'm halfway dressed now...are you here?"_

_"Yep...can you put Rachel back on?"_

The phone shuffled again and then Rachel was back on the phone.

* * *

_"Hi Santana!"_

_"Tone it down, Berry...look...I was going to do this myself but I have Isaac in the car and I really don't want to disturb his sleep. Can you get Ari and tell her that it's an emergency?"_

_"What's going on?"_ Rachel was on alert now.

_"Her mom got admitted to the hospital...it's not looking good. Just get her down here...please?"_

_"I'll have both of them downstairs in about seven minutes."_

_"Thank you Rachel."_

_"You know...you're great for doing this. I'm proud of you."_ She whispered before hanging up.

Hearing her say that did something surprising.

It made me feel like I had just conquered a mountain.

Like I was worthy of praise.

Britt had opened me up in a new way the night before.

It was like she wiped away my ability to be completely skeptical.

I was becoming a sponge.

It was the craziest thing.

* * *

Thank God for Rachel Berry.

About four minutes later, Ari came walking out with bloodshot eyes and slicked back hair with Gloria right behind her.

I beeped the horn and she looked over to the car with furrowed brow.

Gloria though put on a smile and waved at me.

Ari opened the passenger door and helped Gloria into the front seat before shutting the door and climbing into the back.

We hadn't left off in a very good place the night before so I wasn't really surprised when she didn't take the front seat for herself.

_"So what happened?"_ Gloria asked the moment we merged back into traffic.

_"Mari called and told me that Titi Lydia had a seizure and so they rushed her to the ER. They say she doesn't have much time left."_

Gloria turned in her seat and looked back at Ari.

I tried focusing on the road but the fact that I could hear sniffling behind me made me want to turn around and comfort her.

But I couldn't do that.

That was why I insisted that Gloria come along, she was Ari's girlfriend and so she should be the one comforting her.

That wasn't my place anymore.

Gloria should be her first go to person...not me.

I saw that now.

Hopefully, my proactive thinking would pay off later when I had to explain things to Britt.

* * *

When we got to the hospital, Mari met me in the lobby.

Isaac had gotten hotter and his wheezing had started back up.

_"You girls go ahead up...Ana let me have him."_

_"No...I want Mami...no Titi...no!"_ Isaac whined.

Britt was right, he didn't want anyone else and so while I really wanted to go check on Titi Lydia.

I couldn't leave him.

Ari looked at me and then nodded before wrapping me in her arms.

_"Thank you."_ She whispered before reaching over and taking Gloria's hand in hers. _"You were right." _

Before I could say anything she and Gloria made their way to the elevators.

I felt dumbstruck.

_"Mami...I no good..."_ Isaac started whining again.

I didn't have time to analyze things with Ari.

_"I know Papa, we are going to get you all better...okay?"_

_"Promise?"_

_"I promise, Papa."_

* * *

It doesn't matter how many times I have seen my son in the hospital with tubes and needles, it broke my heart every single time.

I felt a hand on my back as I cried against the side of his bed.

He was asleep again after getting medicine and another treatment.

My tears soaked the sheets as I felt his hand wrap around my pinky and ring finger.

For the rest of my life I would be plagued with the guilt of getting high while I was pregnant.

He was suffering because of me.

And one day I would have to tell him

_"Do you want me to call Brittany?"_

_"No...I can do it."_

I sat up and wiped at my face as I dug into my pocket for my phone.

Two missed messages from Britt.

**_R u at the hosp?-Britt_**

**_Is evrythng ok?-Britt_**

**_Can I call you?-Ana_**

**_Yes! Wats gng on? Im worried.-Britt_**

I didn't waste anymore time as I watched our son sleep.

Just as I was about to connect the call, Britt called me.

She was definitely anxious.

* * *

_"Ana? Where are you? What's going on?"_ She rushed out sounding like she was running around.

_"I'm...here...at the hospital. They admitted him...can you bring his Elmo?"_

_"They admitted him? Did they say why?"_

_"He is in the early stages of bronchitis."_

_"I'm on my way."_

_"Be careful, B...don't drive...take a cab."_

_"I'm fine."_

_"Please B? I can't risk losing you because you are too upset to drive."_

_"Fine...I'm going to drop Dani off with Quinn...I'll be there soon with Elmo...anything else?"_

_"His pajamas. They have him in this hospital gown and it does not look comfortable."_

_"Okay. See you soon."_

_"I love you, B."_

_"Love you too."_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"I'm here!" _

When Beth and I entered the apartment, Britt was running around like a madwoman throwing stuff in her old Cheerios duffel bag.

_"Great, Dani is in the kitchen eating her Cheerios and watching Bubble Guppies. She ate, she's changed and I warmed up breakfast for you guys...with Gladys' homemade bacon things."_

Britt kissed the baby, ruffled Beth's hair and then rushed towards the door.

_"Call me, B...if there is news."_

_"Yep...bye! Thank you!"_

The door slammed as I dropped my bag onto the side table by the kitchen and led Beth to a chair.

Dani was happily chomping away at her cereal and watching the tv screen.

_"Hi little girl." _I whispered as I knelt down next to my god-daughter.

_"Dama!" _She shrieked all of a sudden realizing that I was there. Her eyes lit up as I stepped to the side so she could see Beth._ "Bet!" _

I swear for someone who was always so crotchety, San has the happiest children in the world.

They had to have gotten that from Ian's genes and Britt's influence because that was just not one of her characteristics.

_"Mom, I'm hungry." _

_"Okay, baby girl...breakfast coming right up."_

Beth smiled and then looked back down at her book.

I had been sitting with her each night and helping her recognize and sound out words.

Noah had been helping too and so she was actually starting to read books on her own at just three.

It made me feel like a good parent to be able to help her achieve something like that at such a young age.

She would not be a dumb blonde.

* * *

**_I'm in the elevator, unlock the door for me.-Ceily_**

**_It's unlocked, putting girls down for a nap.-Luce_**

Ceily and I hadn't talked since she left in the middle of the night.

I was going to let her come to me but then when Britt called to tell me that she was coming over with Dani, I decided that instead of that, it would be much better if we came to her.

Because I really didn't want to deal with any fall out with Puck over Rachel, that and my apartment could fit inside of Britt's twice.

Sometimes I wish that I could just move in with them but I know that's pushing it.

When we were in the cab though, Beth asked about Ceily and if they would see each other so I had to let her know that and now she was coming to talk.

Dani fell right to sleep as soon as she finished her bottle but Beth was a little harder to deal with.

_"But I want to see Ceily."_

_"After you wake up, sweetie."_

_"But...what if she's gone by then?"_

_"She won't be."_

_"Oh okay then."_

And then just as she was about to close her eyes, who pops their head in the door but Ceily.

_"Hey munchkin...still not asleep?"_

Beth jumped from the bed and flew into Ceily's arms.

I pointed at the sleeping baby in the crib and they both quietly greeted each other.

_"I miss you."_ Beth whispered.

_"Well...I still have to give you your Christmas gift...so we will see each other after nap time...okay?"_

Beth nodded and allowed Ceily to put her into the little bed that Britt kept in Daniela's room just for her.

I watched as Ceily kissed Beth and tucked her in tight before reaching for my hand and pulling me from the room.

_"She will fall asleep...trust her."_

I nodded as I watched Beth roll onto her side facing away from us and hug her fuzzy lamb tightly.

Ceily was right...I had to trust that she would fall asleep without me hovering...because lets be honest...who can fall asleep when someone is hovering over them?

It was just that after spending two years away from her, I didn't really like to miss time with her.

It also may have been that I was stalling just a bit.

* * *

I sat in Ana's favorite recliner, the only thing that has traveled through every move with her, and looked at Ceily.

She was sitting on the corner of the couch sending out a text message before looking up at me.

I was grateful for that moment of respite because it gave me the opportunity to build my defenses.

So that by the time that she was actually looking at me, I was semi ready for what she had to say.

_"So did you think about what I said this morning?"_

She looked up at me as she put her phone on the sofa cushion next to her.

_"A whole lot actually. I think...a lot of it has to do with Rachel being my first girlfriend and Puck being the father of my child...in a way I think I feel rejected but like I told you...you are all I want and need."_

_"I have no doubts about that. My only concern is that if they get serious, like big Jewish wedding and all...she will be Beth's stepmother and you will have to deal with her on a regular basis, which judging from the whole bitchy attitude you had when confronted with the obvious, isn't going to be a walk in the park."_

_"You're right...I need to apologize to her and I need to accept whatever is going on between them."_

_"Do you think that you can do that?"_

_"I do...I have thought about things and realize that if San can forgive me for sleeping with Britt and you can forgive me for sleeping with San...then I can forgive them for being afraid to tell me about whatever they have been doing."_

_"That's big of you, Luce."_

_"Yea well...I am me so...yea."_

_"Speaking of being you...there was a promise you made to me last night...about how was it? Anything perverted...right?" _She winked at me and I choked back a laugh.

_"Um...yea...but no sex in public or anything."_

_"Oh no no...I have to keep up my image...since I'm an up and comer...no...but I just want to make sure that you aren't going to punk out on me."_

I laughed so hard that I nearly fell out on the floor.

Ceily didn't seem to think this was as funny and so I stopped and nodded.

_"Yes, you can have your way with me...however you want."_

_"Good...because I have a plan."_

_"Should I be worried?"_

_"Definitely."_

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

Talk about a rude awakening.

When something tragic happens right after you have an extreme moment of selfishness it has a way of knocking sense into you.

I mean, I knew that Mami was bad but I just didn't realize how bad.

When I walked hand in hand with Gloria into the room and she was laying there, eyes closed and tubes coming from everywhere it hit me.

I was going to lose her and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.

Gloria didn't release my hand as I went to stand by the head of the bed.

I leaned over and brushed my hand across Mamí's face before leaning in and kissing her forehead.

_"Bendicion, Mami."_ I whispered before taking a step back.

My expectations were so low that I wasn't even expecting her to open her eyes but she did.

* * *

_"Ariana?"_ She said in her naturally soft voice.

_"Hi Mami."_

_"Dios te bendiga, mi'ja. Is this her?"_

When she looked past me, I suddenly remembered that I wasn't alone.

_"Mami, this is my girlfriend Gloria Carrión."_

Mami reached out for her so I stepped to the side and pushed Gloria forward.

_"Bendicion, Señora Soto."_

I don't think I have ever heard anyone my age address my mother so formally but I knew Mami and how much she appreciated it.

_"Dios to bendiga."_ Mami smiled as she held onto Gloria's hand.

_"I am so happy to be able to meet you...if there is anything that you need, including prayers to light your way...anything, I am here."_

I watched in awe as Gloria knelt down on the floor and brought Mami's hand to her lips.

Mami looked down at her and then up at me.

She had tears in her eyes as she looked back at Gloria.

_"So it's true what Anita tells me."_ She said to Gloria as she held fast to her hand. _"You were almost a nun?"_

_"Yes. I was almost confirmed but I decided that it wasn't the path for me. I still hold my faith close to my heart and the blessed son of God."_

My childhood was heavily Catholic and so I knew for a fact that Mami was absolutely in love with Gloria. It was like she was meeting the pope.

* * *

Mami allowed Gloria to pray with and for her.

It was the first time that I was able to stand and observe Gloria in her element.

She was this pure vessel, it was almost unreal.

She was so much better than I was as a person.

And if I was less of a person, I would get hung up about being unworthy.

But really, we are all unworthy of love.

It is a blessing to receive and to give love.

God was showing me that this was the one for me.

She was the one that chosen for me and even though I had wronged her terribly, she was still here. Gloria was not only here but she was actively working to make my mother feel some peace.

And I would be forever grateful because she was giving me peace as well.

She was helping me to accept that I was going to lose my mother.

I would be left as the only surviving woman in my family.

What would be expected of me?

I placed a hand on Mami's shoulder as Gloria continued to pray in English, Spanish and Latin. The words that she spoke were beautiful and created a calm in the room.

How could I have doubted my love for this woman?

I had to make sure that I thanked Anita for this because I wouldn't have brought Gloria and now I was thanking God for her.

Anita was being a good soul mate, she was seeing my ache and my need and making sure that I was taken care of. Somewhere along the way, I had forgotten that as mates, it was our job to protect each other and to save each other, even from ourselves.

* * *

After a while, Mami fell asleep.

The doctors asked us to leave so that she could rest, so we decided that we would just sit in the hallway until my dad showed up.

This was our first time alone together since the night that I had taken something so precious from her.

As we sat I looked at her and held out my hand.

She didn't even hesitate as she took my hand and brought it to her lips.

Feeling her lips on my skin felt like a pleasurable punishment.

How could someone be so forgiving?

So open to trust and love?

_"Are you real?"_

I was shocked by my words, it had been something going through my mind.

_"Yes...very much so, Ari."  
_

_"I'm...so sorry for what I did to you and for how I've been acting."_

She looked towards the wall across from us for a long time.

Her face didn't give away any of what she was feeling.

It was like the perfect poker face.

Then she closed her eyes and at first I thought she was trying to think hard about things, but then I saw her lips move and I realized that she was praying.

She, a lesbian, convent drop out was consulting God about us.

The irony never ceases with her.

And I love it so much.

I knew right then that if she forgave me, that I would spend the rest of my life doing everything that I could to preserve the peace that lived inside of her.

I loved her more than life.

She matched me.

In all the ways that mattered.

* * *

_"I want to give you a pass for these past few days...and for the days to come because you are grieving...you are under a lot of pressure to get this show together in such a short amount of time. I forgive you for what you did...and I hope you understand that we won't be going there again...for a long time."_

Gloria finally turned to look at me after she finished talking.

_"Thank you for your forgiveness...I hope that I can live up to your expectations of me. I will wait forever for you, Gloria. I love you."_

Her smile was cautious but it was a smile non the less.

I leaned in and kissed her nose and then her lips before pulling back and looking into her eyes.

There was a light in them that I had never seen before.

_"Sealed with a kiss."_ She rolled her eyes. _"I know...super cheesy."_

I held my arms open and waited for her to lean against me before wrapping her up tight.

_"You're perfect."_

_"I love you too."_

_"I'm sorry that I ever doubted it."_

_"Me too."_ She said honestly.

_"I didn't mean to hurt you...if you blame anyone just blame me okay."_

_"Oh don't worry...I don't blame Santana...I only blame you."_

That stung like hell but I was glad that she didn't bring Anita into this.

_"Good."_

_"Ari?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Thank you for apologizing."_

_"I screwed up...and I wasn't going to drag it out forever. Life is too short."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I cradled my son in my arms and rocked him slowly as the doctor changed his IV. Isaac was being uncooperative in every way and so they asked me to hold him. The moment I had him curled against me he was still and much sweeter.

It shouldn't be me that he seeks comfort from...Britt had put in way more time and effort into taking care of him. Yet and still it was me that he wanted.

And no matter what anyone says or does, I will always feel like I don't deserve his love.

But unlike Papi, I would never turn it away.

_"Mami?"_ My heart shattered when his scratchy voice met my ears.

I looked down at Isaac and tried my best to smile but he was in pain as he struggled to breathe and it killed me inside.

_"Yes, Papa?"_

I softly brushed my finger through his bush of curls and tried to maintain my composure.

_"You stay with Izzy?"_

His eyes were watery as he waited for a response from me.

There was nothing I wanted to do more than take him home and cuddle with him on the couch and watch Elmo, but he had to stay here and I knew that if I left him, he wouldn't sleep and he would give tithe doctors and nurses a hard time.

There was no other option.

_"Sí, Papa. I will stay with you."_

Isaac's face lit up as he snuggled deeper against me before falling right to sleep.

* * *

The door opened as I slowly rocked in the hard chair I was sitting in.

I had been silently praying the I could make it over to the bed so at least I could be comfortable.

I felt relief rush through me as I looked up to see Britt. She had a gentle smile on her face as she looked down at our son.

_"How is he?" _She whispered.

_"The medicine is doing its job but he's really giving everyone a hard time. He won't let then touch him unless I'm holding him."_

_"Wow."_

_"It sucks because I really have to pee."_ I smiled and she immediately stepped in.

She stood still as I eased Isaac into her open arms.

He whined but then I stroked his face and kissed his forehead, realizing that I was still close by, he fell right back to sleep.

Yep I would definitely be spending the night.

When I came back from the bathroom, Britt was rocking a crying Isaac in her arms.

"I'm back." I said as I stood behind her.

"Mami...I want Mami!" He cried out.

Britt sighed and looked at me with sad eyes.

I knew that even though she didn't want to say it, that she was a little jealous of how Isaac was being.

No matter how you looked at it, this was my fault and still he wanted me over her.

_"Why don't you climb up onto the bed so I can lay him next to you?" _

_"Good idea, B."_ I said and then turned and climbed up on the bed, laying on my side.

Britt laid him down on the bed so that he was laying against me and then went to the duffel bag and grabbed his Elmo.

The moment that she put it next to him, he turned his back to me and held his Elmo close.

I thought maybe I would be able to get up then but then he reached back and put his hand on my stomach.

_"Mami, stay?"_ He said with his eyes closed.

I sighed and brushed his hair back.

_"Yes, Papa, Mami's staying."_

_"Good."_ He whispered before drifting off to sleep again.

* * *

Once we were sure that Isaac was asleep, Britt came around and slipped off my shoes before covering us both with a blanket.

I smiled at her as I adjusted the pillow under Isaac.

I was leaning on my elbow looking over at her as she eased down into the rocking chair.

She looked like she was in pain.

_"You okay, B?"_

_"Yea...I slipped on a patch of ice on my way in...I'm okay though."_

_"Are you sure? Damariz is here...I can page her?"_

_"No...I'm good...I would much rather you and I talked...I think...we really need to, don't you?"_

_"Yea, B. We can talk."_

_"Good, because I thought we really made progress last night and then this morning things kind of weren't so clear to me anymore."_

_"Clear?"_

_"First...tell me what happened when she went to see you yesterday morning instead of going out onto the stage?"_

_"B...lets put that behind us."_

_"No...because you sounded scared when I called...and I need to know that it wasn't me...even though I really don't want it to be her that made you feel that way, I need to be clear on things. So please...tell me?"_

I nodded my head and then softly cleared my throat.

_"She cornered me in the bathroom and held me against the wall."_

I watched Britt's face twist up in anger, which was exactly why didn't want to tell her about this because I had already dealt with it.

_"Did she hurt you?"_

_"No...she didn't hurt me, she wasn't even really rough with me. It had literally just happened a split second before you called. We didn't kiss or anything...you scared her into backing off. I didn't see her again until I went to see Gloria later that night, I was trying to handle things. Ari was waging war against you and I really didn't want to deal with that so I figured if I went to Gloria to tell her to fight for Ari...it would fix things but then I found out that Ari basically forced herself on Gloria and took her virginity and my motives changed."_

_"So you left Gloria and went to Ari's room?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Alone...just the two of you?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Did anything happen?"_

_"Yes...well almost."_

Britt's face dropped. I watched as she scooted closer to the bed and rested her elbows on it.

_"Almost?"_

I sighed and nodded my head.

_"Ari decided that she was going to start drinking and I asked her to stop but she did it anyway...she told me that if I didn't like it that I could leave. I was going to but then she told me that she was still going to fight for me and so I told her that I wasn't leaving until we talked it through. She needed to see that she is seeking out my comfort...and nothing more."_

_"You should have left."_

_"I know...and I wish that I had because in the next moment she was coming at me and kissing me. Like intense, shove your tongue in my mouth kind of kissing. I kissed her back...like for a split second but then pulled back and slapped her. I swear that's all that happened."_

Britt nodded her head and then looked down at our sleeping son.

She leaned over and kissed his face before leaning up and capturing my lips.

I absorbed her kiss and allowed it to wash me clean.

She pulled back after nipping at my bottom lip.

_"Mine."_ She whispered before pulling back and looking into my eyes.

I nodded.

_"Yours."_

She sat back in the chair and closed her eyes.

But I waited...because I knew what she was going to ask next but I didn't want to bring it up.

_"You were smoking last night."_ She said as she opened her eyes and looked at me.

It wasn't a question but I nodded anyway.

_"Yes...I had a cigar but that was after I left Ari. She was getting more and more drunk and after I compared her to Marco she was inconsolable. I took the bottle away from her and made her get in bed. She pulled me down against her and tried to straddle me, but I rolled off of her and told her that I was leaving. She cursed at me...I cursed back, we argued about you and how I really just want you and then I left but not before grabbing a cigar from her roommates dresser. I smoked all the whole walk home...I didn't think that you would be able to smell it so strong since I was walking and the wind was blowing."_

_"Are you going to start smoking again?"_

_"No...I...it was a lapse in judgment and seeing Isaac laying here now...lungs not working and then remembering how it was for me when I was pregnant...no. I'm sorry."_

_"If it happens again...just stay away from him until that smell is off of you. Please?"_

_"Okay...but I won't."_

She held up her hand and looked at me with a placating expression.

_"Just...do me that favor?"_

_"Okay, B."_

_"And I think that maybe...limiting yourself around Ari would be best for everyone right now."_

_"I think that you're right, B."_

_"Good, I'm glad that you agree."_

* * *

That afternoon, before Britt left to head for the theater, she kissed me over a dozen times and told me that there were going to be more talks in the near future and that as soon as we could that we would be going back to the N.A. meetings.

I agreed that I was seriously in need of those and she smiled._  
_

She admitted that a part of her thought that I would be going back to my old ways. She told me just how proud me she was and that she really wanted us to start planning our future once the new year came around.

Our lives were about to get hectic because I was starting school in two weeks and her show opened in one week and on top of that Daniela's first birthday was coming up really soon.

We had so much to do and not much time to do it.

But what I was realizing was that together we could accomplish anything.

No matter what happened in our past, as long as we were committed to this family...our family, that we could make it through the rough times.

I needed to start building a healthier relationship with Ari based on friendship.

And Britt needed to keep working on her trust.

Because there were a million little things that I noticed about the way she was watching me.

I loved her.

She loved me.

And that really was all that mattered.

* * *

_**A/N: This is my version of a filler chapter! LOL. I hope you enjoyed it. The show is in the next chapter! Thanks for sticking with me! Love you guys!**  
_


	39. Chapter 39:I'll Be Seeing You

**Chapter 39: I'll Be Seeing You (Billie Holiday)  
**

* * *

**_I needed to start building a healthier relationship with Ari based on friendship._**

**_And Britt needed to keep working on her trust._**

**_Because there were a million little things that I noticed about the way she was watching me._**

**_I loved her._**

**_She loved me._**

**_And that really was all that mattered._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**_December 31st, 2013_**

**_Dear Henry,_**

**_I really think that being a mother and a junkie has turned me into an insomniac.  
_**

**_I haven't slept in the two days that I have laid in the hospital beside Isaac.  
_**

**_The good part about my constant vigilance, Prof. Moody would be proud..;), anyway the good thing is that I have never felt closer to my son.  
_**

**_I have literally had to do what I never did with him when he was a baby. He has been too weak to go the potty on his own or to feed himself and so I have been doing those things for him. For the first time I feel like a mother...instead of just pretending to be one.  
_**

**_I have never felt so fulfilled and what's even greater is that he is at a point where he isn't so clingy. Which comes at a great time because this afternoon, is the performance of the show and from what little I have seen on Britt, I know that they have worked their asses off for it.  
_**

**_She tells me that Ari has completely refocused herself and that when she isn't out with hers and Gloria's mom, she has been at the theater.  
_**

**_I am really excited to be the one to escort Titi Lydia to the show...she has no idea that it will be Ari up on that stage and I'm really excited about it. Britt's bosses did a great job of finding people to fill up the auditorium. Press, contributors, board directors, and our friends (Mr. Schue and the whole old Glee club) and our families, Britt's flew in and so did Ari's. The house is going to be packed and it is all for Titi Lydia.  
_**

**_The only people that are sitting out on this are Rachel and Puck who so graciously offered to watch the kids.  
_**

**_And since Isaac will still be here in this hospital bed, Pa is going to come because other than me, he hasn't turned down being around him.  
_**

**_So hopefully that will work while I'm gone for a few hours.  
_**

**_I am praying that this goes well.  
_**

**_We all just need one good show.  
_**

**_And hopefully, this afternoon, the last one of the year...will be it.  
_**

**_Fingers crossed!  
_**

**_Santana._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was sitting in my office, going over all the plans for this afternoon and everyone was buzzing around like crazy getting ready.

Show time was in two hours.

And I was feeling really nervous.

Frank and August want us to look at this as our actual opening.

So even though it will be mainly friends and family out there, we have to be on our game.

There was a knock at the door and I jerked my head up.

I had dozed off.

_"Yea?"_ I yelled out.

_"We have a problem."_ Frankie stepped inside the room looking flustered and as if I was her last resort.

_"No...it's too late for problems!"_

_"I know...and I swear I talked to everyone about this...you are my last resort."_

_"Okay...what is it?"_

_"Our pianist is delayed in the Bahamas and won't be back until tomorrow."_

My face dropped.

Frank and August had let me take over the smaller details because this was such short notice and I really didn't have time to find a piano player.

I paced back and forth, occasionally looking over at Frankie.

_"What are we going to do?"_

_"We only have one option."_

I stood there looking at her and then shook my head.

_"No...I don't want to put that kind of pressure..."_

But it would work.

_"Look...what other choice do we have?"_

_"I'll ask her."_

_"Okay...I'll wait...do it now so I can tell Frank and he can stop flipping out."_

Okay.

This wasn't a big deal.

We had all the sheet music and I knew for a fact that she could play.

But would she want to?

She had just gotten her stitches removed but there was scabbing and soreness.

Didn't hurt to try right?

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"I don't care! Just get it together! We can't...please just I need you to be sharp tonight!"_

_"But...I...are you sure he can't do it?"_

_"Fuck Grady...isn't this what you wanted? You told me...that night we went out for drinks...the for of us...that if you couldn't have Brittany...you would at least love to dance lead again. You said that in front of Tucker and now he is out in the backwoods with his pregnant whoever and you are lead! So please, I am begging you, please...can you do it?"_

_"But Britt-"_

_"Fuck Brittany! The show must go on! I don't care if she hates your guts or wants to jump your bones. It is show time in like an hour and forty minutes...please?"_

_"Okay. I'll go get in makeup."_

_"Thank you!" _

_"Anything for you, you know that."_

_"Okay...just show me what you've got out there...okay?"_

_"I'll do what I do best...you just try and keep up."_

He winked and my heart stopped trying to beat out of my chest.

_"That's the Grady that I know!"_

_"And you'll-"  
_

I held my hand up as I held the door to my dressing room slightly ajar._  
_

_"I will take care of Brittany."  
_

_"Good...thank you."  
_

_"We're wasting time, hot shot...get going." _

I shooed him away and he blew me a kiss as he ran down the hall.

We were going to rock this show...I was sure of it.

This is for Mami and she is fading fast.

We only get one shot at this.

Because before I know it-

Crap...I can't think like that.

Just have to stay calm.

_"No time for tears."_ I whispered to my reflection. _"Time and a place...we have got to smile. Smile though your heart is aching...just smile."_ I sang lightly.

There was just no other way.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Okay Papa, Mami is leaving you soon."_

_"No."_ He said to me as he sat up and looked at me with a stern expression.

_"Yes, Papa...Mami has to go but I will be back later."_

_"No...Mami stay?"_ He stuck out his bottom lip and I almost broke under the pressure until I was interrupted by my phone.

_"Hey Britt Britt."_ I said as I brushed back Isaac's hair with my fingers.

_"Hey baby...how are you? How is Izzy?"_

_"I'm okay...just trying to get my warden to let me leave for a few hours."_ Even though he couldn't have possibly understood what I meant by that, Isaac still stuck out his lip and now was crossing his arms over his chest. _"He doesn't seem too happy about it."_

_"That's too bad...do you think he will put up a fuss if you were to leave now?"_

_"How is that going to make it better? I still have about thirty minutes before I have to even be dressed. Why right now?"_ She ran the next few words by me so quickly that I didn't catch anything. _"B...you have to be clearer baby."_

_"I need you."_

_"Right now? B don't you think it's kind of a bad time?"_

She gave me dry, nervous laugh before clearing her throat.

_"We...our piano player guy can't make it...can you do it?"_

My heart started thudding in my chest.

This was kind of a big deal.

_"Seriously?"_

_"Yes...please say you will do it? I will do anything."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay...let me call, Pa and tell him."_

_"He's already on his way...I called him first."_

_"How did you know that I would say yes?"_

_"Because it's always been your dream to play at Carnegie hall and even though this isn't Carnegie hall, this is Broadway...which in mine and Rachel's opinions is ten times better."_

I could just see the cocky smile on her face and the hand on her hip as she dropped her knowledge on me.

She was right...I had that dream.

But I had never taken it seriously but now here was my chance to do something awesome.

_"Okay...then I will see you soon. I just need to stop by the apartment to get my-"_

_"Quinn will bring your stuff...just get here...please? I have to go...Ari's standing in my doorway. Love you."_

_"Love you too, B. See you soon."_

This was like a dream come to life.

Now I just had to convince Isaac.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"What's the problem?"  
_

Ari looked nervous but to anyone else she would seem completely confident, but she was a lot like Ana and so I could tell that she had news for me that I wasn't going to like.

_"Tucker can't make it."_

_"So Grady is taking the lead."_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay...that's fine."_

She looked a little shocked but then nodded and turned to leave. "Ari wait."

She froze and turned back to me.

_"Yea?"_

"Can you...um...shut the door a sec?"

Ari shut the door but didn't let go of the handle as she stood there looking at me.

_"Did I do something wrong?"_

_"No...I just wanted to say that you have really showed me how great you are. These past few days, you have pushed all the crazy shit to the side and been on your game. Your mom is going to be so proud of you. I am honored to have you dancing my dances and so very happy to see you get your shot. I really care about you...even...with everything. And I know the whole conversation that we had was out of line...I just wanted to tell you that I didn't save your life to throw it back in your face or because it was the right thing to do. I did it because, you are one of the best dancers that I have ever seen and even though I am not nearly as good as you are...you still take direction and are professional. I love you for it. I didn't want to see your talent go to waste and I would do it again and again."_

I watched the tears in her eyes as she let go of the handle and walked towards me.

_"Thank you so much for that."_

_"I really mean it."_

She threw her arms around me and I held her tight towards me.

We didn't hug very often and so for us this was monumental.

It was progress.

And right then I knew, that my relationship was safe.

Ari had figured out her drama and now we could go back to being friends.

_"Are you ready to have a show?"_ She finally said as she stepped back and looked at me, suddenly professional again.

_"I'm ready to be amazed. Grady is a great dancer and I know that he will take care of you out there. Just...try and keep up."_

_"Now you're saying that?"_

_"Well...he moves really fast...so yes...maybe go run through a number with him just so you guys can get your flow going."_

_"I'll do that."_

_"Break a leg."_

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I sat in my dressing room, make-up fresh and outfit ready as I listened to the dancers head to the stage. I wasn't queued to show up on stage until Act 2 and so I was just trying to maintain my composure.

The curtain hadn't risen yet on the first act so I had a few minutes to get to the holding area near the side of the stage, where I could see the audience but they couldn't see me.

I just wanted to see our crowd and get through the nerves of seeing my family out in the audience. None of them knew that this was my show.

It was going to be amazing.

As I made my way to the stage I met up with Brittany who was dressed in a really nice pant suit. She wasn't going to have to dance tonight and would be sitting with Frank, Tony, August and Frankie down in front. I wanted to make her proud of me.

It was the strangest feeling but it was the most sincere.

Because even knowing how I felt about her wife...she had given me a shot on Broadway.

And so I owed it to her to be good.

Her job was on the line and I knew that this meant the world to her, just as much as it meant to me and to Mami.

_"She isn't here yet, we had a change of plans. Gladys is bringing her...Ana's playing piano tonight."_

My heart started racing.

Britt smiled at my nerves and put a hand on my shoulder.

_"She's like your lucky charm...she played for your audition, she played for your first shot at dancing and now...she is playing while you take the Broadway stage for the first time in front of an audience. Make her proud."_

And I would.

I smiled and hugged her tight before making my way to my little corner of curtain. From there I would be able to see when Mami entered, I would be able to see down in the orchestra pit to see Anita playing, and I would be able to see the stage.

It was my night.

And I didn't want to miss a thing.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I stood in the orchestra pit with the small band and just admired the theater as it began to fill up with people.

This was amazing.

Even though I wasn't on stage where everyone would see me, they would be hearing my music.

And that was something pretty awesome.

_"Hey beautiful...want to come see my office later?"_

I felt my skin tingle as Britt pressed her lips to my neck and wrapped her arms around my waist.

_"Mmm...sorry but I'm taken by this amazingly gorgeous and incredibly jealous woman."_

_"Is she hot?"_

_"Painfully so."_ I say as she pulls me flat against her.

_"I bet she can't make you scream like I can."_

_"No one can hold a candle to my fiancé."_ I say as I swiftly turn in her arms so that I can see her beautiful blue eyes.

Britt smiles down at me with heat in her eyes.

At this moment, I'm happy that no one but the few members of the band can really see us in this dark corner under the stage.

_"I was serious you know."_ She said as she leaned in and kissed my lips before pulling back with passion burning in her eyes. _"I want to take you up to my office later...maybe intermission?"_

I looked up at her in shock.

_"Won't they need you?"_

She bit her lip and shook her head.

_"No baby...I'm off tonight."_

_"Then...I will meet you at intermission."_

There was flicker of light and she immediately turned into her professional self. Her hands slid from my waist and came up to cup my face.

_"Be amazing baby...I have to find me seat."_

_"Always and only you, B."_

_"Only you, always, Ana."_

She winked before heading up the stairs and heading towards the front row.

This was it...my first public performance and I couldn't have imagined it better.

Britt and I coming together to make something amazing.

And having the glee club and Mr. Schue...and as of a few hours ago, Coach Sylvester and Tor, be here was just the icing on a fucking fantastic cake.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Do you mind if I sit with you?"_

I was sitting next to Frankie with an empty seat between me and the aisle. It was supposed to be Ana's seat but now that she wasn't going to be using it, why not give it to Gloria.

_"Sure."_

_"Where is Santana?"_

She asked after she sat down.

_"She's down in the pit playing the piano tonight...it was kind of last minute but she's a great piano player so it should be good."_

_"Oh that's great. I just helped Lydia into her seat...she keeps asking me where Ari is and I told her that she would be here soon, so she is saving her a seat."_

It's the cutest thing.

_"Yea? What did she say when you told her that you were coming to sit over here?"_

_"I told just told her that I'm sitting with my family...she didn't question it."_

_"Oh good." _

_"How was Ari when you saw her last?"_

_"She was good, she was already in her zone. She's going to be great and if I know her...she's probably watching us right now."_

I pointed towards the corner of the stage where the curtain was parted just a little.

Gloria looked up and waved quickly.

And just like I thought, we saw a little hand peek out and give a small thumbs up.

Gloria smiled and then turned towards me.

_"Thank you for being hard on her these past few days...it's really kept her focused. She wouldn't have been able to do this in such a short amount of time without the proper direction."_

_"Thanks. Lets see if it paid off."_

And as if it was on cue, the lights dimmed and then a few minutes later, the room got pitch black.

I reached out and grabbed Gloria's hand and gave it a squeeze.

She had never really seen Ari dance with the exceptions of the few rehearsals that she sat in on for a few minutes but the thing that I knew for a fact that she hadn't seen was Ari sing and come act two when Ari walked out on that stage and began to dance with Grady...and she then belts out her number, Gloria was going to be in awe.

This was so exciting!

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I thought that the moment my cue came, that I would be a bundle of nerves.

But every negative thought left my body as I zeroed in on Grady who was standing center stage with his back facing me.

It was a very calculated move that I had to do...if I didn't count correctly, I could be seriously hurt and I had done it a million times with Tucker. With Grady only about five and one of those times he nearly dropped me on my face.

I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer before waiting for the note and the arch of Grady's back to hit simultaneously.

And when they did, my mind shut off and I went leaping across the stage and using Grady's now bent over frame to leap over him...and then he turned and caught me, holding me up in the air with one hand before flipping me and bringing me down to the ground until I landed in a split.

Britt called the move a triple berry fudge split...she had created it back when she was pregnant and craving just that thing, and so even after not being pregnant anymore, she decided to just call it the triple berry.

Nobody brought up what that meant we just went along with it.

And according to Frankie, it was a dance move that she had never seen before and one hell of an entrance for my character.

It was seamless, because just like Britt had said, Grady was fast and he was good.

The way that he worked through the dance to get me to my solo was almost like magic.

It felt like a rehearsal and I treated it like one.

Not once did I focus on the eyes in the audience that were trying to recognize me.

I heard a few whistles but then I heard the piano and my heart recognized immediately who was playing and the residual nerves escaped me.

I had been nervous about taking this part at first because I was worried that I wasn't ready.

Things changed for me that afternoon, as I stood center stage and I belted out my audition song.

My Titi's Sophie's song.

All of a sudden, I was a star and I was going to shine.

Shine for all those little girls growing up poor on the bad side of the tracks.

Shine for my mother who never got to live her dream.

Shine for the woman of my dreams who was watching.

And shine for just being alive.

God was blessing me immensely.

This was my blessing and like Anita and Britt and everyone else was telling me, I couldn't just throw it away on a feeling.

I had to have faith.

And as I exited the stage and I heard their applause, I knew that the stage was my new home.

I had arrived and I wasn't looking back.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I could see why Britt was offering to do anything to get me to play.

The score for the show was intense.

Keeping in line with the melodies and the cues was enough to drive an inexperience pianist nuts.

But I was no ordinary pianist so I was able to stay on point.

And it was so fucking amazing.

Right then, as I played the last few notes to close out the first part of the show, I knew that when I started school in a few weeks, I would be majoring in music.

Somehow, my mind allowed me to play amazing music and still think about what I could do as an entertainment lawyer.

I would be successful and I would always be near my craft.

Somehow all of my passions would be able to mesh together to give me a job that was not only fulfilling but a job that I could see myself doing from anywhere in the world including home.

The lights came up and before I could push back from the bench, I felt Britt's hand grab mine and pull me through a trap door that led us straight under the stage.

_"Britt...slow down...I'm in four inch heels."_

_"I have to have you right now."_

_"Britt...baby."_

_"Don't...shh...just trust me."_

_"I will always trust you."_

She seemed satisfied with my declaration and proceeded to shove me forward into a room.

We were completely under the stage as she shut the door and locked it.

_"Um...B...this is not your office...it reminds me a whole heck of a lot of a janitor's closet."_

I didn't have time to respond because I was being pushed backwards across a surface until I was flat on my back and she was hovering over me.

She looked amazingly hot in her black pant suit that the tops of her breasts were peaking out of, breasts that I wish I could see in this dark room.

_"I couldn't...my office is too far."_ She moaned as she slipped down off the table top and lifted my dress.

_"B..."_ I sucked in a breath as I felt her waste no time, she sucked my clit into her mouth and then placed two fingers just at my entrance.

_"We have to be fast...but I really just want to make you cum...nice and loud."_

_"Won't they hear us?"_

_"Nobody can hear us."_

I trusted her.

_"F-fuck!"_ I moaned out as she got back to work on making me cum...nice and loud. _"Oh...God...Brittany! Don't stop...d-don't stop...unhhhh."_

She was hovering over me now and thrusting four of her fingers inside of me nice and hard.

_"I wish I could see you right now."_

The room was insanely dark in the room but I could still see her silhouette and even that oozed of sex.

_"Me too, Britt."_

_"I want you to cum hard for me, I want you to still feel me when you go back to play for a room full of people."_

Just the sound of that made me cum shuddering against her thrusting fingers.

_"Yyyyyyesssssss! Fuck yes, Brittany!"_

Usually that would have been just the warm up but we really did have to go back so Britt pulled her fingers out and I thought we were done.

I went to rest up on my elbows but then I felt her use her fingers against my clit.

She went in really fast circles as I leaned forwards against her chest.

How I ended up sitting on the edge of the table top, I wasn't quite sure but I wasn't going to ignore the advantage of the position.

I had more control and so I wrapped my arms around Britt's waist and used her to ground me because without holding onto her I was sure that I would fall apart completely.

_"Are you close?"_

_"Yyyessss."_ I hissed as I rested my sweaty forehead against her chest. _"Ahhhhhhhhh...shit Britt!"_ I whined.

I felt a vibration and then she kissed my forehead before pulling away and stepping back.

_"There goes the timer...showtime in ten minutes. Enough time for you to check on Lydia and enough time for me to run up to my office."_

And just like that Britt was pulling me back up and leading me back under the stage.

She brought me right to the door that we had gone through and then brought her lips to mine.

We made out for a few moments before she reached back and squeezed my ass.

And I trembled.

_"I want more...after the show?"_

_"I have to get back to Isaac."_

_"Before you go back? I need you...please? Then we can go back to the hospital...all of us...so we can bring the new year in as a family...what do you say?"_

_"Okay."_

_"You have eight minutes left...make them count."_

She kissed me one last time before shoving the door open and then disappearing under the stage again.

Britt never ceases to amaze me.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I made it back to my seat just as the lights were lowering again.

Thankfully I had made it to my office, washed my face and my hands and re-applied my makeup with just enough time to get back to my seat.

I figured nobody would guess what I had just done under that very stage just nine minutes ago.

Of course not everyone was Francis Ruiz.

_"I didn't think you would make it...but as always, you find a way to surprise me. Good going Lopez."_

She chuckled against my ear as the show started back up.

I was happy for the darkness of the room because I knew that my face was beat red.

Of course she would figure it out.

She knew that was my fantasy.

Dark, risky places.

I got off on it...she knew because we had explored the fantasy several times while I visited New York way back when we first met.

It made me laugh to know that she shared in that secret.

Plus, I knew that she would never tell Ana about it which wouldn't cause anything but trouble.

As the curtains raised, I ignored any embarrassment I may have felt and focused in on my lead who looked like she had just finished checking in with hair in makeup.

I knew that she planned to check in on her mom during intermission but because I was occupied, I wasn't quite sure.

_"Did Ari see her mom?"_ I leaned towards Gloria.

_"Yea...it was a beautiful moment. I recorded it."_ I nodded and turned towards Frankie._ "Hey do you have any gum?"_

Frankie snickered.

_"Forgot to brush, did we?"_

This time she was looking me straight in the face as I blushed again.

_"Maybe."_

_"Tsk tsk...think next time Blondie...now watch the show. Or you're fired."_

I nodded and looked straight ahead.

Frankie didn't have the authority to fire me but understood that I needed to pay attention because I was supposed to correcting any mistakes that I saw and I couldn't really do that if I wasn't actually looking at what was going on.

If only I was as good as Tony who had a note pad.

But I knew that all I had to do was watch to know what needed to be fixed.

I did know how to pay attention to the show, although it did make me smile just a bit to know that Ana was probably soaked in her panties as she played.

My stomach flipped as I thought of how I would have her in about an hour.

And then Jeremih came on and I smiled.

Because this dance...I know Ana will recognize from the videos.

It meant something really big for me.

It reminded me of a time where I had taken Ana for granted.

Something that I never wanted to do again.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I will never forget the moment that I walked down off the stage towards my mother.

She looked at me in awe and then pushed up from her seat and clapped for me.

Papi held her on one side and Gladys held her on the other._  
_

_"Mami? How do you like it?"  
_

_"Ay mija...you are so amazing. Your Titi would be so proud to see you up there singing her song. I am so amazed to see you. I can't believe just how amazing you were."  
_

_"Thank you, Mami."  
_

I smiled and helped her to sit back in her seat before kneeling in front of her so that she didn't have to stand anymore.

As I knelt in front of my dying mother, she brushed her hands across my face and then dropped a few kisses on my face before sitting back to look at me._  
_

_"Promise me that you will live all of your dreams, Ariana."  
_

I looked up at her and smiled again before nodding in agreement._  
_

The moment with Mami had me sobbing in her lap as she rubbed my back and kept kissing the back of my head.

_"I promise you Mami...I will make you proud"_ I said, finally looking up at her.

_"You already have."_

And I broke.

The sobbing that I had been trying to hold back from her was all spilling out onto her lap.

_"I'm sorry about all the tears."_ I whispered as I looked back into her eyes.

_"It's a part of life...I am just glad that I get to see your life...I can go to my grave knowing that all of my children are happy and healthy. I will always be proud of you Ariana and don't be so sad...we can dance together in heaven...right?"_

I was amazed by the woman in front of me who was trying to console me about her imminent death.

This was my mother.

This was where my strength had come from.

And I would carry her with me forever until I saw her again.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**December 31st, 2013**_

_**Henry...  
**_

_**The past few hours have been some of the most amazing and the most sad of my life.  
**_

_**The show was amazing.  
**_

_**Perfect.  
**_

_**Too perfect.  
**_

_**Titi Lydia enjoyed every stitch of it.  
**_

_**Ari and Grady were amazing and Britt and I still managed to connect in the midst of it all.  
**_

_**But the amazingness stops there because as the show was ending, I mean I had like two notes left...before the final act could end, Titi Lydia passed away.  
**_

_**Mari says she closed her eyes and she slumped over.  
**_

_**Nobody noticed until the lights were up.  
**_

_**They took her pulse and discovered that she was already gone.  
**_

_**We waited for them to clear out the theater before telling Ari who was backstage.  
**_

_**And even though I didn't want to...everyone, including Gloria insisted that I should be the one to tell her.  
**_

_**Oh God...Henry...my heart was trying to pry itself out of my chest as I held my friend and told her what happened.  
**_

_**The sound of the cry that ripped from her chest, tore through me as well.  
**_

_**There was nothing that I could say or do...I felt so helpless.  
**_

_**I wish that I could do something...we thought she had more time...just a few days but that wasn't God's plan for her.  
**_

_**And so now...I'm back at the hospital, laying here next to Isaac while Britt holds Dani...the ball is dropping and I am saying goodbye to the craziest year of my life and hopefully saying hello to a year that will change the course of my life.  
**_

_**Because it's too short to waste any longer.  
**_

_**Signing off...  
**_

_**Santana  
**_

_**P.S.  
**_

_**If in the future when I come back to this feeling discouraged.  
**_

_**Just know...future me...that in this very moment after going through hell with Brittany and with yourself that you pushed past your pride and accepted love.  
**_

_**You did amazing.  
**_

_**And I'm proud of you!**_

_**Always.  
**_

* * *

_**A/N: Please...please...please tell me what you thought. Review.  
**_


	40. Chapter 40:Focus

**Chapter 40: Focus (Ryan Keen)**

* * *

**__****...in this very moment after going through hell with Brittany and with yourself that you pushed past your pride and accepted love.  
**

_**You did amazing.  
**_

_**And I'm proud of you!**_

_**Always.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I closed my eyes and held my son close to me after all the excitement from the New Year died down.

Brittany was half asleep in the rocking chair with Daniela resting against her.

It was a quiet family time and I really wished it could be happening at home but at least we were together, even if it wasn't the in the ideal place.

_"Ma..."_ I was startled awake when I heard a raspy voice calling out to me. I looked down and Isaac had his hand to his chest. His lips were tinged blue as he looked at me with startled eyes.

_"Shit...Brittany!"_ I called out as I slapped the nurse page button.

Britt shot forward still clutching the baby as she looked around.

_"What's wrong?"_

I was in tears as I sat Isaac up and rubbed at his back.

He was straining to breathe and I was freaking out.

_"He c-can't breathe...get help."_ I said as I tried to stay calm. _"Breathe, Papa...come on...please breathe."_ He looked at me with hooded eyes and tried to take a breath but it sounded strained and whistled when he exhaled.

Britt, still holding the baby flew out of the chair and ran out into the hall.

I could hear her yelling at someone and then all of a sudden a whole bunch of people started rushing into the room.

_"We need you to move."_ I hesitantly stepped out of the way so that they could work even though I really didn't want to step away from Isaac.

His face was panicked as he looked around for me.

I could see him raising his hands to try and fight off all the hands touching him, but he didn't have the energy to fight.

I was shaking as I watched from the side of the room as they started poking him with needles and shoving a tube down his throat.

_"Oh God."_ I whispered as I covered my mouth.

_"Ana...sweetie come out into the hall."_

I shook my head, never taking my eyes off my son.

_"No...B...I can't leave him. He's so scared...we can't...no."_ I whispered as I tried to make eye contact with my little boy.

But the medicine was kicking in and he was closing his eyes and his body was drooping.

If it wasn't for the steady beat of the heart monitor, I would have thought he was dead.

_"Come on...they need to work...come on, he's in good hands. Look, Mari is here...you trust her."_

I nodded as I watched my sister lightly touch my son as she slipped a mask over his face.

Britt was right, he was in good hands.

So I nodded and allowed her to lead me into the hallway.

What if we hadn't been here?

Or he hadn't had the strength to call out to me?

What if I hadn't heard him?

I was barely out the room as I sobbed into my hands and slid down to my knees.

This was all my fault.

How could I have been so fucking selfish?

* * *

I couldn't make the tears stop as I sat on the floor against the wall with my hands over my face.

From the moment that I first found out that I was pregnant with Isaac, I had already been fighting an addiction that I wouldn't admit to.

And I had never fully committed to the idea of being a mother.

At least not in my soul.

Now though as I sat in the hallway after seeing my son struggling for every breath my maternal instincts kicked in full force.

Nothing else mattered to me but making sure that my children lived full lives.

Everything that I did from here on out would be about their health and happiness before my own.

It was where Britt had been from day one.

And while I had some catching up to do, I didn't care.

I would do anything to make up for my stupidity.

_"Ma?"_ I looked up and saw my daughter standing next to me with her hand out.

In her hand was a crumpled up tissue.

_"Thank you baby." _I said as I held my hands out to her._ "Come here, Daniela."_

She walked closer and smiled as I wrapped her into my arms.

_"No cry." _She said as she put her hand on my cheek._ "Pees...no cry...I here...no cry."_

I held her tight and inhaled her sweet lavender and baby powder smell.

_"Te quiero, bebe."_

_"Te queo."_ She tried to say back and suddenly I was a bowl of giggles.

I was having a pity party and my daughter had used her charm to slap me back to reality.

She had pointed out the obvious...that she was here.

I had tried to do right by her and had succeeded for the most part but there was still more that I could do.

And unlike some mothers who get their kids taken away by the state after they fuck up like I did, my kids were still here.

And it was my saving grace.

* * *

I stretched out my legs and pulled Daniela onto my lap. She sat sideways looking up at me with so much light in her eyes.

Even though she was all Ian, when I looked at her...all I could see was Britt. She had the smile, the blond hair and a certain look in her blue eyes that made me feel hopeful.

Britt slid sideways on the floor and wrapped her legs around me, holding me against her chest securely. She nuzzled her face into my neck and took a deep breath.

_"You still celebrate three kings right?" _

Britt mumbled.

_"My father always celebrated just Christmas but you know Mami and Abuela always slipped me presents on that day...so I guess...yea. Why?"_

_"I've been busy."_ She said with that bit of mischief in her voice that made her irresistible to me.

I looked at her and she raised her eyes to look up at me. Now I had two sets of bright blue eyes staring me down.

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I had this all planned out...it was going to be romantic and everything like when I proposed but I don't think that's...appropriate with all the stuff that happened this week and with Izzy now."_

I nodded in agreement not finding any flaw in her opening.

Was she really the silly girl I had fallen for?

I saw her lips perk up into a small smirk and I knew that girl was still in there.

I was incredibly amazed at just how much Britt has grown into this fierce, independent woman and just how much she wasn't that teenage girl that hid behind her reputation as a dumb blonde. Now she is confident and not afraid to show just how intelligent she is.

And it is fucking sexy.

I smiled as I looked at her face...because I loved everything about her so much. She has stood by me through everything, even when she broke up with me, she still had a belief in me. I trusted that whatever she had in store for me now, would be just as amazing as she was.

_"What is it, B?"_

She smiled as she dug in her pocket for something with a determined look in her eyes before she pulled out a single silver key.

_"This is for you." _She looked at me with the biggest smile on her face before leaning in and kissing my face.

The coolness of the metal in my palm didn't detract from the amount of heat in my skin as I got increasingly anxious.

_"What is it?"_

_"Do you remember when we were at the lake house and we were looking at those listings for houses in Westchester?"_

_"Yea...but then the world fell around us." _

Did she just pick a random house?

_"But before it did you showed me this house...your dream house...you told me you loved it because it was eighteen acres...your lucky number and because it has two guest houses just in case you wanted to have people stay. Remember?"_

_"Yes...it is twice the size of my Papi's house...and I remember how I talked about how it was a fortune."_

_"I know but I talked to Sandra...and well you know how she is moving to Miami in a couple days...well I told her how I really wanted to do this. How you and I both want the kids to have their own yard and place to run around because they can't really do that in the city...and now Izzy has the powerwheels. She agreed...and so she told me that she doesn't want to give up having something here, just in case things don't work out in Miami...so we made a bargain. In exchange for her being able to claim one of the guest houses she would let me access some of your money and she would go in on it with me. So...this is yours. Don't be upset...please?"_

My chest was tight as I looked at Britt in amazement.

I couldn't believe that she would think that I would be upset about this.

It was one of my deepest wishes...for my family.

And even though I had the money in theory, I never wanted to spend that much because I wasn't sure if Britt and I were going to make it. Now that I knew we were definitely going to last.

That we were getting married, for real, I was all in.

It also didn't hurt that she had thought of everything!

_"Oh my... wow...Brittany! Thank you! Seriously? It's...seriously?"_

I was in disbelief as I looked down at the key.

_"Yes." _

She was blushing now and it was absolutely beautiful to see on her.

_"Thank you so much!"_

I wrapped an arm around her and the baby and held them close.

My faith had been restored.

Now I just needed my son to be okay.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Trying to save my relationship has been hard work.

It has meant, keeping Ana in the dark about some things that normally I would share with her.

And it's not bad things like cheating or anything like that...it's more like distracting her from something that would send her back to drugs.

Like not letting her think about how she wrecked Izzy's lungs with her stupid drugs.

Or how badly I wanted to let her carry my baby but I was afraid that she would go back to using.

The one thing that I had kept from her...that Gladys has been pushing me to tell her is that I had managed to save my eggs.

It was something that I had been thinking about for months...way back when Ana was still in that room in Lima...I had thought about it.

And I had told Gladys my biggest secret.

She told me that she didn't blame me for not saying anything.

She understood that when I had decided to do it, it was just as like insurance.

Now though...as I hold her in my arms, while we wait for Izzy to wake up...I know that I want the baby, I wanted our kids to grow up together.

But was she ready for that?

Would she screw up again?

Was I just asking for trouble?

I had so many questions zooming around in my head and I really wanted to talk to her about them...but how could I do that without showing her that while I trusted her with everything...I still had my doubts.

* * *

**_I need 2 tlk to u.-B_**

**_When?-Quinnie_**

**_Asap. Just me n u, my apt in 15?-B_**

**_See you there.-Quinnie_**

**_Dnt tll Ana.-B_**

**_Oh...ok...Why?-Quinnie_**

**_Dnt wnt her to wrry.-B_**

**_Oh...ok.-Quinnie_**

* * *

We had just gotten back into Izzy's room, he was asleep and the doctor's said that he would probably be out of it for the next few hours and so that it was a good opportunity to go home.

Ana though, didn't want to leave him, she wanted to be there when he woke up and I didn't blame her. The only issue with both of us staying though, was that Dani had barely slept and was badly in need of a bath and a change of clothes so I was going to take her home.

The moment that Ana was in bed with Izzy, she passed out so I kissed her face and left her a note telling her where I would be and to call me the moment there was a change with Izzy.

Dani was still wide awake as we climbed into the cab but I could see from the purple circles underneath her eyes that wouldn't last long. Thankfully, though, she wasn't cranky or fussy, which would have made this whole process much harder.

_"I love you, Dani."_

_"Mama."_ She said as she bounced her face against my cheek giving me kisses.

It felt good to have her with me, to feel her want to be with me.

Izzy not wanting me lately had really started getting to me.

What if Ana has my baby and it still wants her not me?

Maybe this idea wasn't the best?

This cab couldn't move fast enough.

As we pulled up just outside my building another cab pulled over in front of us.

I watched as Quinn stepped out of the cab carrying a sleeping Beth in her arms.

How early was it?

I looked around the street and could see that the rest of the city was still kind of quiet.

Most people were just now falling asleep from the New Years celebration but I didn't think I would be one of them.

At least not any time soon.

* * *

Quinn put Beth to bed and then went into the kitchen to make coffee while I gave Dani a quick bath, fresh diaper and put her in bed. Dani was so tired that she fell right to sleep, thankfully.

She would probably sleep for a few hours but I wouldn't let her sleep all day, because I did want her to sleep tonight.

I kissed her face a dozen times and then kissed Beth just as much before shutting the door and making my way to the living room.

If I was going to have this kind of talk, I needed to keep myself busy as well.

I dug through the hallway closet and pulled out the bins and brought them over to towards the tree.

What better way to stay occupied then to take down all the decorations?

_"Hey, B."_ I had already taken down most of the pretty shatterproof ornaments and was working on the last row of them when Quinn walked into the room with two mugs. _"I made you a cup of coffee...I know how you like one every once and a while."_

She was right...although most of the time I went for hot chocolate, every once in a while, usually during serious talks, coffee was a better fit.

_"Thank you."_ I said taking the mug and drinking down a big gulp.

I felt a bit of energy rush through me and it helped me to actually smile.

Quinn seemed to relax when she saw me looking a little less sad.

_"So...do you want to tell me what's going on?"_

She began to take down the gate that was separating the room.

_"It's about Ana."_

_"I figured...when you told me not to tell her that I was coming over here."_

_"I just...if she knows I asked to talk to you...she's going to want to know why and I really don't know if I want to talk to her about it just yet."_

_"But you will tell her?"_

_"Yea...eventually. Right now though is not the right time."_

_"How is my godson?"_

_"Better...he stopped breathing last night and they have him on a breathing machine now. It's like one of those sleep machine things...it gives him extra air and stuff."_

_"Oh good. I'm going to stop by there after I leave here."_

_"You can leave Beth with me if you want?"_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Absolutely...as much as you take the kids, I really don't mind. I love little B." _

I smiled at Ana's nickname for Beth, she was practically mine since she had my nickname.

Right?

* * *

It took us about twenty minutes to pack away our artificial tree and all the stuff that goes on it. Since I had put it up by myself, I hadn't really had the time to make it look professional like Gladys' trees always looked.

Or how Ana would have done it had she been there.

When we moved into the house, we would have real Christmas tree and decorate everything, which was why I didn't mind just having something small and pretty like our fake white tree.

After we packed everything away, Quinn and I sat down on the couch and got down to the real reason I had asked her over.

_"So what's up?"_

_"Before I had my surgery...Ana and I talked about whether I wanted to freeze my eggs...because they were still good. I told her no...but then when I went into the operating room and I talked to the doctors, they asked if I was sure about not keeping them. At the last second I thought that getting rid of them was the same as an abortion...so I kept them."_

I watched the shock on Quinn's face as she looked at me with wide eyes.

_"You never told her?"_

_"After surgery...I was so depressed and so I didn't. I was planning to...then so much stuff happened...and so I didn't think it was the right time."_

_"And what...now you do?"_

_"Yea...well..I want another baby."_

_"You have two...plus San is finally starting school in like two weeks. I don't know if she is going to be okay with being pregnant again."_

_"She told me she would...when we found out that I was getting the surgery she told me that she would have a baby for me...do you think she was lying? Because if she was that was pretty mean." _

I felt tears burning my eyes but I didn't want to release them.

Not now, not in front of Ana's best friend.

_"If she said that...then she meant it. Time has passed though since she told you that...maybe she has changed her mind. You and I both know that she isn't the same person she was before she moved away."_

_"Nope...she's better."_

_"Look...your mind seems pretty much made up Britt...I just want you to think about the both of you. She may not have done that when she got pregnant with Dani or any of the countless selfish things that she's done but you two have moved past that part of your life. I can't help you make this decision. You have to talk to her about this."_

_"I will...just...do you think that she would...like if she agrees to have a baby...do you think she would use again."_

_"Before all this shit went down with Ari...I wasn't sure but now...knowing that she chose not to use the other day when she really could have...I really think she is serious this time. I think that she is going to beat this addiction. Maybe she just needs more time to prove that to you because the very fact that you asked that tells me how anxious you are going to be during her whole pregnancy."_

_"Yea...I guess you're right."_

_"Also...you and I have both had the opportunity to go to school. You decided it wasn't for you and I decided that I'm in love with it. San though...has literally been going non stop since graduating, being a mom, dealing with death and then a coma...she hasn't had a chance to just be young. She can't change being a mom, and I don't think she wants to...but I do know that she has gone through so much shit this past couple years that maybe...in my opinion, right now isn't the right time, especially since you have a sick baby, Britt. But if you ask her...I know that she won't turn you down."_

_"And that's just it...see...I didn't even think about that, you're right, I don't want her to do it just because I'm asking her. I want her to want this too."_

_"Exactly."_

_"Thank you, Quinnie."_

_"Anytime, Britt...and um...maybe you shouldn't tell her that you wanted a baby. Maybe you should just tell her about the eggs...let her come to you about it."_

_"That's a good idea...but do you think that she will?"_

_"I do...San has always wanted a big family...a big family with you and so I think if you tell her that there is still this option, when she is ready...I know that she will come to you about it."_

_"I hope so."_

* * *

**Gloria's POV**

* * *

I thought that Ari would want Santana to go with her back to Lima.

I thought Santana would want to go with Ari but that's not what happened.

Ari came into my room, first thing in the morning and told me to pack a bag.

That she wanted me to go home with her.

There had been a shift in their relationship and I think that I have Santana to thank for it.

She could have swooped in and taken advantage of Ari but she didn't.

That was how I knew that she truly loved my girlfriend, because she was able to step back.

And I appreciated her.

So while Ari was unpacking us in her childhood bedroom, I decided to call Santana,

Because I had made a new resolution to be more up front with people about how I felt.

That was the only way to get results.

The fastest way at least.

* * *

_"Santana Lopez."_

People actually answer their phone like that?

_"Hi, Santana, it's Gloria."_

Her whole voice changed.

_"Oh...hi Gloria...how is everything? Did you guys get to Lima alright?"_

_"We just got here...Ari is inside unpacking...I just wanted to talk to you, if you had a moment?"_

_"I'm just in a cab...so go ahead."_

_"I just wanted to thank you for everything that you have done for Ari and for me."_

_"Yea...no sweat. No big deal...okay?"_

_"It is kind of a big deal, you didn't have to do any of it and yet you still did."_

_"I want her to be happy and she is happy with you...even if she was being too pig-headed to see it herself."_

_"I guess I just thought for sure that you would have come for the funeral."_

_"Nope...I...my family is here. My son is in the hospital and he needs me close by. I feel like I paid my respects in person...does that make sense?"_

_"Of course."_

_"Good...thank you for getting that. Besides, she doesn't need to lean on me...she needs you. Trust me. When Ian died...Quinn came with me and yes I had my best friend and it was great but I really didn't want anyone but Brittany. Ari would have realized that the moment that I was in Lima with her. She would have wished that you were there. So now...she won't have to wish that."_

_"That's...wow...it's admirable."_

_"I'm glad you think so...I don't mean to cut you short...but I need to um..."_

_"Oh...right. I'm sorry. I hope Isaac feels better."_

_"Thank you. Give my love to Ari and the family. See you guys when you get back!"_

* * *

I walked back inside the house and ran straight into Ari's oldest brother.

_"Gloria! Do you bowl?" _

I looked at him feeling a bit thrown off.

_"Like bowling?" _

_"Is there another kind?"_

If I hadn't been with Ari for so long, I think that I would be offended by the familiarity and sarcasm of her family but because I have been with her and seen how she interacts with people, I understand that it's really all in good fun and not mean spirited.

_"Right. Yes...we had our own alley at the convent."_

His eyebrows raised to his forehead and I couldn't help laughing.

_"Seriously?"_

_"No...I'm just pulling your chain."_ I said and punched his arm playfully.

_"Oh, I like you. When Ari told me that you were from the south I thought you would either be a redneck or really prissy. Never did I think you would have wit!"_

* * *

It was really late as Ari and I walked around the town where she grew up.

She took me by Santana's old home and compared to her childhood home, it was like the White House.

Seeing where she came from it just amazed me how humble Santana was.

It was like Ari was trying to get me to see why she liked the girl so much.

Which wasn't really necessary.

_"Are you trying to tell me something? Like about why you are so in love with her?"_

Ari stopped and turned to face me.

_"No...I guess...look I spent years of my life, obsessing over someone I couldn't have. It killed me that my cousin got to have her and I knew he was a rough kind of guy with a cruel streak. She went through a lot...her dad was an alcoholic and was abusive...so her getting Marco was like double trouble. I walked by this house so many times during those years...a few times, I crept up to her treehouse. It's sick right?"_

I shrugged even though I wanted to say it was creepy.

_"It's a little strange but I can understand it."_

She nodded and took my hand, we continued to walk back towards Lima Heights, she had a firm grip on me even though she had told me how people in this town could be.

New York had rubbed off on her and me.

We were more open.

Although it still made me cautious.

_"Don't be so nervous...no one is going to mess with us." _She chuckled.

_"You're sure?"_

_"Yes. It's when you get to West Lima where you have more of an issue. Right now though...no body is concerned with a couple of dykes. Trust me."_

_"That's an ugly word." _I shivered.

_"I know...but it's what they think."_

_"Is it what you think?"_

_"I just think we are two hot chicks in love."_

_"In love?"_

_"Yea...I'm definitely in love with you."_

_"That's really good to hear."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Can I ask you something, Gloria?"_

_"Anything."_

_"Our first time...wasn't...it wasn't how I would have liked it...and I know we can't like make you a virgin again...but I wanted us to wait...like until a special time. A time that we both agree on...what do you think?"_

She dropped my hand and threw her arm over my shoulder, so I wrapped an arm around her waist and leaned into her embrace.

I never felt so good.

So right.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was beyond tired and I was starting to feel like I had a film on my skin.

And so while I put up a hell of a fight when I was made to leave the hospital by Mari, I was glad that I was headed to my own bed.

The call with Gloria was sweet...a little too much for me since, yea, I still had feelings for Ari...but I got her point.

What I forgot to do when I was on my way home because of that phone call though, was to let Britt know that I was coming.

It wasn't unusual to find Quinn in the apartment when I wasn't around but what was unusual was that her and Britt were sitting together looking awfully cozy with their feet up on the coffee table drinking from mugs and talking.

What was worse, when I walked in, Britt jumped off that couch so quickly that she made the situation seem a lot less innocent than it probably was.

_"You're here?"_ Britt's face turned beat red as I closed the door quietly and put my clutch on the side table.

_"Yea...should I not be?"_ I looked from her to Q and back again as I hung my coat up in the hall closet.

The entire time that it took me to take off my outerwear and my boots, Britt did not move from the spot in front of the couch that she had jumped to stand in when I walked in.

Quinn on the other hand was typing ferociously on her phone.

Did I even want to know what they were up to or did I want to go take a hot shower and jump in bed?

_"Okay...I'll bite...what's going on with you two?"_

Britt swallowed hard as she looked down at Quinn.

And of course just like the coolness that is my best friend, Quinn looked over at me and smiled.

_"We were discussing Dani's first birthday...and a whole bunch of pink stuff. Just girly, girly."_

_"Oh...ok. Well enjoy. I need to shower." _

Yuck.

Even though I knew it wasn't the truth, obviously Quinn wasn't going to tell me what it was.

And from the look on her face it wasn't Earth shattering but from the look on Britt's face, I could see it was a big deal for her and I was just going to have to wait for her to come to me.

Which with the way that I was feeling...was perfectly fine with me.

* * *

I took the quickest shower in the history of ever and then walked out into the hallway to go check on the baby.

Britt was whispering to someone in the doorway and then shutting the door.

I headed to check on Daniela and could see that she was sprawled out and drooling a bit.

I kissed her sweet face and then as I was leaving I saw Beth curled up in a ball snoring. She slept just like her father but looked just like her mother. It was amazing to see the product of two of my best friends. She was a great little girl who for her sake, I hope takes after Quinn instead of Puck.

Just like I wanted my kids to take after Ian or Britt but definitely not me.

But from what I could see, Isaac was already a lot like me.

Which was scary.

Really it just means that I have keep an out for him.

I was tempted to wake the girls up but I decided against it.

It was almost noon and so it was kind of late for Beth to still be napping so maybe they had a late night too, so I would leave her a bit longer.

Either way...both girls would need to wake up soon or they would both be giving us hell in the middle of the night.

I shut the door and walked out into the hall.

Quinn was on her way down the hall towards the room.

But I blocked her way.

_"Is Beth still asleep?"_

_"Yea...let her be a little while longer."_

_"We ordered a pizza...it's lunch time."_

_"She's tired, Q, give her like another half hour."_

She looked like she wanted to fight me on this but she just nodded and put her hand out. It had been awhile since we had been close but I slipped my hand into hers like we were teenagers again.

I could tell that there was a lot on her mind that she didn't want to talk about.

This was her way of showing me comfort...in a different way then she ever had. A healthier way.

* * *

Quinn pulled me into my bedroom and then kicked the door closed.

_"Britt's not going to like you and me in this bedroom together...you know that."_

_"I'll be quick...I just...Rachel and Puck are screwing each other...what should I do?"_

I covered my mouth with my hand trying my best to suppress my laughter.

_"Seriously?"_

_"Yes...help me out...should I do something?"_

I brushed my fingers across her forehead before pulling my hand away.

_"Oh Lucy Q...there isn't a single thing you can do about this."_

I nearly laughed out loud when her face scrunched up.

_"Seriously? My two exes are fucking and there is nothing I can do?"_

_"Just like I couldn't say anything when you slept with him...and got pregnant. I was the asshole then. So no...there isn't a damned thing you can do."_

_"I was afraid that you'd say that."_

_"Do you want to be with either one of them?"_

She looked at me in disgust and I did laugh that time.

_"Gross."_

_"And do you want either of them to get between you and Celia?"_

_"Definitely not."_ She had this huge grimace on her face as she crossed her arms over her chest.

I dropped my hands on her shoulders and smiled as big as I could.

_"Then live and let live, Lucy Q."_

_"Are you guys doing it?"_ We both broke into a fit of giggles when Britt burst into the room with her mouth full of pizza.

_"Totally."_ I said as I clenched my stomach and laughed. Quinn made a mad dash for the bathroom.

_"Fuck!"_ Britt and I froze and then pushed the bathroom door open.

We both tried not to laugh as we looked at Q standing there in the middle of the huge bathroom with wet pants.

I pointed and laughed.

_"Tell me you didn't! Oh God...you pissed yourself! Britt get the camera!"_

Even though she knew I was kidding, B ran from the bathroom. Q looked at me in horror.

_"I thought we were friends, __Santana!"_

_"Come back in B, she looks like Isaac when this happens to him."_

_"Awww...Quinnie we were just kidding. Why don't you take a shower and Ill get you a change of clothes. Come on Ana...don't make her feel worse. That's not nice. Be nice."_

_"Fine...I'll get you a towel, but you are mopping up anything you left on my floor!"_

* * *

**_January 2nd, 2014_**

**_Henry,_**

**_It's well after midnight and I haven't slept yet. _**

**_I'm headed out for a walk soon...I just need to clear my head and I can't do that here. _**

**_Britt and Quinn have the girls in my bed and all of them are fast asleep. _**

**_There is room for me...but my mind can't shut itself down._**

**_I want to leave so bad...just to like decompress...but I don't want them to worry about me. _**

**_Life has just been so hectic and crazy lately...maybe I can drive?_**

**_I miss my son. _**

**_I just...I just need some space. _**

**_Just for a few hours. _**

**_I miss my room in Lima. _**

**_At least I don't have any cravings._**

**_Right?_**

**_I was going to go off by myself...but maybe I will call someone..._**

**_Everything is up in the air...but now in a bad way. _**

**_It's just like things are lining up for me and I am so used to the drama of it all that I don't know what to do with myself._**

**_Britt's awake and staring at me. _**

**_I tried to pretend that I couldn't tell...but I know that she's staring because I'm sitting here in my coat and boots. _**

**_And now she's coming over here...maybe I should just talk to her about things?_**

**_Be open?_**

**_Can I do that about the little things?_**

**_We'll see._**

**_Love, _**

**_S_**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

She looks lost.

I have been watching her from the moment that she pulled her journal out.

I've been trying to figure out what is making her look this way.

Usually there are a bunch of reasons to choose from.

The only thing is...other than Isaac...everything else in our lives is okay.

Maybe that scares her?

After a while of watching, I decided that I needed to do more than that.

I had to catch her before she went into her head.

Before she started thinking bad things.

When she finally put the book down, I was standing above her with my hand out.

She looked up at me and flashed that smile that has always made me weak in the knees and my heart melt.

_"Want to talk?"_ I whispered as she stood to her feet.

_"Aren't you tired?"_

_"I could ask you the same...you haven't slept in like two days."_

_"True."_ She whispered looking over towards the bed.

_"She already insisted that we have alone time...so we are going to leave her a note and we are going to go see the new house...what do you think?"_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."_

_"Okay, B. I will write the note...while you get dressed."_

* * *

The drive up the house was really quiet.

Ana drove the whole way, with the heat blasting and the music louder than I could think.

I could tell that she definitely didn't want to talk while we were driving.

So I just reached out and rested my hand on her inner thigh and rubbed small circles there.

Her body relaxed at my touch and it made me feel good to know that I still had that effect on her.

As we pulled into the driveway, I immediately went for my door until I felt her small hand grab mine.

I looked at her and could see the worry on her face.

_"Hey, B?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"I'm scared." _

I turned towards her and looked in her eyes and smiled.

I had it wrong.

What I had assumed was her feeling lost was just her being afraid.

I wasn't used to seeing that look on her face.

_"Of what?"_

_"Being happy."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because something always come along to ruin it."_

_"No matter what, I'm here. Good and bad."_

_"What if I mess up?"_

_"I don't think that you will."_

_"How do you know?"_

_"I don't...but I have faith...I just know that you are going to be okay especially because you have me."_

_"But I could still make it on my own right?"_

_"Of course...you did it all by yourself for months...right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I believe in you, Santana. We all do. You are so amazing."_

_"I'm not."_

_"I thought we talked about this...you doubting yourself."_

_"M-maybe I need a reminder?"_

I looked into her eyes and could see the sneakiness there and it hit every button all at once.

She wanted me to show her how awesome she was.

And I could definitely do that.

_"Do you still have those flashlights?"_ I said as I leaned into her and started kissing her neck.

She nodded and moaned out as I sucked her earlobe between my lips.

I knew that she was trying to distract me.

And I would let it slide for now.

Because it wasn't as big a deal as it was in the past.

Her being overwhelmed, I could deal with.

Anything is easier to deal with than addiction.

At least when it comes to her.

Gladys taught me to pick my battles when it comes loving Ana.

So while I wasn't planning on ignoring what she had on her mind forever.

I just thought...maybe after all the drama...we just needed to focus on other things.

Things that would wipe away fear and help us to be happier.

And get back to being just us.

In love and living.

We could deal with the rest later.

* * *

**_A/N: And I'm stopping here...the chapter not the story. I just...this filler chapter was just so exhausting to write. I have no idea why. I just can't even...review? Anyway...I'm going to write something awesome next...hopefully...I am done with filling...I think. I just need to satisfy that piece of me that says to give you guys a break after that emotional upheavel from 39. So 41...is back on the saddle! :) _**


	41. Chapter 41:Undone

_**A/N: Three months...seriously!**_

* * *

**Chapter 41: Undone (No Doubt)**

* * *

_**So while I wasn't planning on ignoring what she had on her mind forever.**_

_**I just thought...maybe after all the drama...we just needed to focus on other things.**_

_**Things that would wipe away fear and help us to be happier.**_

_**And get back to being just us.**_

_**In love and living.**_

_**We could deal with the rest later.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I had been studying for this biology midterm for days and on top of potty training my daughter and daily visits to Isaac, life had been exhausting.

But I persevered. I can't let life get me down.

Every other midterm had been easy but this one had me feeling uneasy.

So I studied every extra moment that I could.

I had thought that I was prepared enough for it but then the day of the test came and I found myself coming up blank as I looked down at the page. I knew the material...that wasn't my issue.

It was him.

I knew for a fact that it had to do with him and his constant staring.

And as much as I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, I didn't want to stand out to him. Not now, not ever.

It had been two months since school started and I was finding this concentration issue in three of my classes, the other two professors thankfully didn't remember me but Dr. Cray sure did.

I knew because the other two treated me like everyone else but I would catch staring every class.

It's hard to believe that almost three years later that summer I spent with Marco is still haunting me.

I had almost convinced myself that the people that I had fucked that summer had disappeared.

_"Santana...see me in my office...your test is over."_

I was in shock as my mind came crashing back down to reality.

I looked down at my blank paper and then around the room.

The room had emptied at some point and so now I had to deal with this creep one on one all because I hadn't been able to concentrate.

* * *

I pulled my blue Columbia hat over my eyes and adjusted my big sweatshirt before grabbing my bag and following him down the hall.

Of all the people I escorted this guy scared me the most.

Had I just been a regular coed I would think that the way he looked was attractive but I was no regular coed...I had experienced his darker side and lived to tell the tale, just barely and I didn't want to be in his clutches again.

Chills ran through my body as I remembered the things that this man had done to me and my mind.

He was one of my regulars until Marco found me passed out on the living room floor with a needle sticking out of my arm.

I still had the scars that served as daily reminders of why to stay away from heroin and creepy ass professors.

So far I was only succeeding at one.

It took nearly overdosing on heroin for Marco to notice how much this guy was damaging me.

That night Marco had beat me until I couldn't stand and then forbid me from seeing the guy again. It was one of those protective moments that my ex-husband had from time to time, that I was still very grateful for and for the first time since his death, I wished that he was still alive.

He may have treated me like trash...but I was _his_ trash.

Thanks to him, that night was the last time that I had to deal with the Dr. Cray, thankfully, since my jobs went through Marco. Being down one regular didn't faze me much, I had forgotten about him almost immediately, that was until my first biology class of the semester.

When everything changed.

* * *

Dr. Trent Cray had been obsessed with me back when I was still selling my ass for money and blow. Back when I was newly eighteen and was trying my best to block out the worst summer of my life so that I could make it back to Britt in one piece.

The person that I was now...I had thought was stronger than that girl back then but then I got stuck with Dr. Cray, one hour, three days a week and his staring games began. I was trying to do the impossible and graduate in three years, I didn't want anything to fuck up that plan. So when he was the only open biology class, I was forced to take him. I couldn't let him win so I didn't drop the class.

He would not fuck up my future.

I had a plan and had been doing a great job at managing to fly under his radar just enough for him to never speak to me until today, until I finally let his staring finally crack me into pieces.

My hands were sweaty as I stepped into his office.

God I missed Marco.

_"Shut the door and take a seat."_

_"I would be more comfortable with it open sir."_

My voice was strained as I stared at the floor and shifted back and forth on my feet.

_"Always rebellious, at least you remembered how I like to be addressed. It's been awhile and you still look amazing. Did you finally kick that nasty drug habit or do you still like to be eaten out with cocaine on your pussy?"_

He whispered next to my ear as passed me and closed the door with a slam. I swallowed back the extra saliva in my mouth and suppressed the urge to vomit.

I just stood there, still as a statue...clutching my bag with all my strength even though I felt like I would pass out at any second.

Maybe I hadn't heard him correctly, because now he was just sitting there with a warm smile on his face like he hadn't brought up one of his favorite activities.

I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and cleared my throat.

_"Will you let me sit the test again or do I need to just go see the dean?"_

Wrong move.

He pointed at the chair with that stern look on his face that told me all that I needed to know.

He was a dangerous man and I didn't need to cross him.

I dropped into the chair next to his desk and finally raised my eyes to his.

He was still smiling.

_"Of course, I'll let you sit the test again...once you can explain to me why you sat there like an imbecile...or was that just your plan to get me alone with you again?"_

Of course he would think that.

But I wouldn't let him win.

Marco wasn't here...but I was.

And I was stronger than I used to be.

_"It's...your staring that makes me uncomfortable, sir. I can't focus."_

_"I can help you with that...just say the words...tell me...do you need my help?"_

He sighed and dropped his hand down on my leg.

I froze...feeling powerless.

_"Yes. I do need help."_

My lips were moving before my brain as he gripped me knee.

_"That's a good girl."_

My world was spinning as I felt his other hand brush across my arm that was resting on his desk.

_"Will you let me sit the test again?"_

My voice squeaked out.

_"Yes. I just need you to do something first."_

_"Okay."_

I said as I fought back the tears that were burning my eyes.

What the fuck was happening?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The show was officially a success, people loved Ari and Tucker, calling them the new it couple and Frank insisted that they go along with it even though they were both gay.

As if there are no gay people on Broadway!

Because of the success of the show and Frankie deciding that being so far from her wife was not something she wanted to do anymore, so she moved to Italy...I have been given a more important role.

Tony was promoted to director and so now I was the head choreographer all by myself.

Which meant that I was working twice as hard and twice as much.

I was up every morning before the sun came up and out the door with only enough time for a cup of coffee.

Something that I had recently realized that I love more than air.

It seems to help me stay bubbly better than any meds ever did.

Life was crazy busy and I was so tired from it all.

Happy tired.

The next two weeks were going to be heaven for me.

I was going to be working on paper work from home and as far as dancing was concerned, I wouldn't fall behind...I had just finished getting my dance studio built in one of the guest houses, so the dancers were going to be coming to me.

It was going to be epic.

* * *

Now that he has a real hit on the stage, Frank is more willing to let me do things my way.

And so when I walked into his office and told him that my son was coming home from the hospital, after being there for three months and I would need to be home, he didn't even try to argue.

Especially when I told him the studio was ready.

He simply nodded and told me to write out a practice schedule for the dancers to show up at my house throughout the two weeks.

I agreed immediately.

It was the only way that I could keep working and make sure that Izzy was well taken care of at the same time.

I didn't want to overwhelm Ana since she had definitely been out of it lately and with her being back in school,

I could tell that she was tired and a bit frustrated and if I could lighten her load a bit, then I would.

Thankfully though, her Spring Break starts today so she will have more of an opportunity to sleep.

And maybe she could even start smiling again.

There was a knock at my office door and I snapped awake.

Apparently, I had fallen asleep at my desk again.

I looked towards the windows and could see that the street lights were on and it was dark out.

_"Come in."_ I yelled before rearranging the papers on my desk.

The door creaked open and in stepped Ana, looking insanely tired and even more beaten down then she had all week.

She was holding Dani in her arms and her car seat in her hands.

_"Hey B...you didn't show up to Mami's to pick us up, so I came to you."_

I looked at my phone and saw that it was after ten, I was supposed to pick them up at eight.

There were five missed calls and a bunch of text messages from her.

_"Crap...I'm so sorry."_

She sighed and walked over to my couch.

Everything about her screamed exhaustion but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more.

As she sat, I could see that she looked like she was in a lot of pain.

_"You okay?"_

She tried to smile but it fell almost immediately as she laid Dani down on the couch next to her.

_"Yea...I'm just sore. I had track practice after my last midterm. Coach wanted to make sure that we got a good work out in before Spring Break. Add that to me carrying her up here...my back is just sore."_

_"Oh...can I get you aspirin or something?"_

She sighed and threw her head back on the couch.

_"Just...finish up so we can go home...please?"_

_"Okay...I just need to-"_

She cut me off as she pulled out her phone.

_"I don't care what you need to do...just do it."_

_"Okay...you got it."_

She had been snapping at me a lot lately but that time it was just mean for no reason.

But I would let it slide.

It was late and she was tired.

I had packed up all my papers and my laptop in about five minutes.

Five minutes of her huffing and puffing...I just kept telling myself it was late and she was tired.

* * *

Finally after packing my stuff into the car and securing the baby in her car seat, I happily got in the driver's seat of my truck.

Ana sat in the passenger seat and continued scrolling through her phone.

I turned on the music really low and then leaned over the console, kissing the side of her face.

She immediately wiped at her cheek and then glared at me.

_"Damnit Britt...why are your kisses always so wet?"_

_"Um...sorry?"_ I said, feeling like crap.

I gave up trying to make her feel better and just decided that I would quietly drive.

After about two minutes she began digging through her book bag before pulling out her nail file.

It was almost like old times as she began filing her nails and popping her gum.

Things were tense between us and I wasn't sure why.

She should be happy, her midterms that she had been stressing over, were done and she had a week off of school.

Plus, Izzy was coming home in two days...and since she was spending a lot of time between and after classes at the hospital with him, she should be jumping for joy.

But she definitely wasn't and it was starting to bother me.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Disgusting.

That's how I felt.

With two midterms, a creepy lecherous asshole, and track...my mind, body and spirit were feeling like shit.

I was seeing everything through two different perspectives.

My actions towards Britt were mean but I just couldn't get myself to stop being that way.

Her life was working out so fucking well and I was jealous.

Plus...she hadn't been sleeping in the bed with me for the last few nights and it made me feel even worse.

Because now my mood was starting to drive a wedge between us.

That was the last thing that we needed after finally finding a way back to each other.

On top of everything, I felt guilty.

I needed to make things right, I just wasn't sure how I was supposed to do that.

Maybe now that I had a few days to breathe before I had to be back at school, I could work on repairing what we had lost.

What I had compromised yet again.

That's a big maybe but anything is possible, right?

* * *

I didn't give Britt a chance to get Daniela, I grabbed my book bag and quickly grabbed the baby before storming into the house.

My emotions were all over the place but I was thankful that Mami had taken it upon herself to give the baby a bath and put her in her pajamas, so that all I had to do was change her diaper and put her in her crib.

I heard Britt come into the house downstairs and felt my heart race.

Everything about my body was achy and sore and I really didn't want her to see me like this.

With everything going on, usually I drive into the city and then come home on my own, so that by the time that Britt sees me...I am relaxed and bathed.

Tonight was different.

But I couldn't break routine.

One of the best defenses a recovering addict has is routine.

And right now, as I peel off my clothes in the locked bathroom, I am clinging to my routine.

Because nothing and no one could fix the shit going on in my head.

Sadly, not even my kids.

* * *

I stood in the shower and watched the blood circling the drain.

At least in my head that's what I saw.

My mind had been playing tricks on me a lot and I was having issues telling between what was real and what wasn't.

_"Ana? Why is this door locked? Are you okay? You've been in there for almost two hours."_

I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to alleviate the pressure that was behind my eyes.

When I looked down again, the blood was gone and I was shivering under the freezing water.

I reached out to turn off the water and jerked my hand back when the water started to look like powder crystals.

They were everywhere and I didn't want them near me.

What the fuck?

_"Santana...open this door."_

Britt sounded frantic but I couldn't' move...there was just too much powder, what if I ingested it?

Seven months of sobriety would be lost, all because she was rushing me.

The cloud of powder was hovering now and so the only thing that I could do was curl up against the wall and put my hands over my face trying not to inhale.

Why was this happening to me?

I hadn't had a panic attack in over a year and now I was curled up freezing to death, plagued by the worst hallucinations in the world.

Thank God for Brittany.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was fed up with her.

First she is bitchy in the car on the way home.

Then she slams the door in my face and practically runs upstairs.

She had the baby so I decided to just have a glass of milk and wait.

So that's what I did, I had milk and then I took a call from Frank and August.

By the time they had finished giving me a run down of all the dancers that needed to work on certain techniques, almost two hours had gone by with no sign of Ana.

I figured that she went to bed and so I would just talk to her about things tomorrow, since sleeping next to her was not an option.

I was just going to head to the guest room but then I got to the top of the stairs and I could hear a lot of sobbing, so I changed directions and headed to our bedroom.

The bed was still made up from the morning and so I walked to the bathroom.

Ana and I still had the no locked doors rule because she says that it keeps her honest, so when I tried the door knob and it didn't move...I panicked.

Suddenly the mood swings were reminding me of drug withdrawal.

Was she back on drugs?

Had I missed the signs?

I can take anything but that right now.

She was going to hit seven months sober in a week, I was really hoping that she wouldn't throw it away.

Not again.

She had so much more to lose now, the kids, me, her family, school, track...everything would be taken from her...would she really risk it?

There was something that I had missed...I was sure of it.

So as I banged on the door, I went over and over in my mind, what had I not seen?

My heart was racing because not only was she not answering me but her cries had stopped.

All sound had stopped.

The only thing that I could hear was the sound of the water hitting the bottom of the tub.

This was definitely not good.

* * *

It's ironic that the very thing that Ana was using to block me from getting to her was shot down by something else she taught me to do.

The locked door was really pointless since I could pick a lock much faster than even she could.

I knelt in front of the door and began to stick the pick in the lock when I heard a thud and a crashing noise.

There wasn't much glass in the bathroom with the exception of the shower door and the mirror over the sink.

My hands started to shake when I heard her moaning on the other side.

_"Ana...baby...I'm coming...I'll be there in a second...just stay with me."_

I didn't know what I was walking into as the lock clicked and I pushed the door.

But whatever I was imagining wasn't as bad as what I saw.

There was blood everywhere and there she was, completely naked laying in the center of it all.

What the heck had happened?

* * *

It took everything inside of me not to panic as I threw the pick from my hands, stepped over Ana and picked her up from the floor.

She was about ten times lighter than she had ever been and it had me feeling nervous.

Since our schedules had been so busy and she had been so violent in her sleep...causing me to sleep in a different room, I hadn't seen her naked.

And I hadn't really seen her eat either.

She was a mixture of muscles and bone...something that I wasn't sure was possible.

There was zero fat and now I was kicking myself because I hadn't noticed.

She was obviously struggling with old problems.

I looked at her face which had a bruise forming on it where her face hit the floor.

The blood though was coming from her nose and from what I could see opened wounds along her side and her back.

The cuts weren't fresh...they had scabs starting on them so I knew that they weren't from her falling through the glass door.

Actually...she didn't have a single cut from the fall...which was definitely a blessing.

What was weirding me out though was that Ana had dealt with a lot of things, drug addiction, anxiety, and eating disorders...that was stuff she that she had been struggling with for years...some of it since she was a teenager...but cutting was not something she had ever done and since they were on her right side...almost near her back...it seemed like an odd place for her to do it to herself.

Which could only mean that someone had done that to her.

But how and who?

Was that why she was so angry with me?

She had always followed routine, breakfast, school, Isaac, track, Isaac...dinner with her mom and Daniela...drive home. That's been her routine for months...so when would she have time to let someone do that to her?

What was I missing?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My cheek was cold and stinging as I slowly opened my eyes.

The first thing that I noticed was the blinding light from over my bed.

I never turned that on.

Everything was blurry as I tried to focus my vision but that hurt too much.

_"Hey Ana...so glad that you're awake...take these."_

I turned my head towards the voice and saw Britt standing above me, her hand out.

_"No pills...no drugs."_

My voice was harsh and biting to my own ears so I could only imagine how I sounded to her.

_"Take them or I swear I will pack you up and drop you off with Gladys."_

_"Then do it."_ I said harshly as I reached for the blanket.

But there wasn't one.

On top of that...I was laying on my left side completely naked.

_"Please? Trust me...Santana?"_

I was always a sucker for the pain that came from her. I was like a moth to flame, I was both entranced and protective all at once.

_"Help me sit up, B...please?"_ I said as I held my hand up.

She looked at me, examining my face before holding her hand out.

I bit hard on the inside of my cheek, to keep from screaming as I finally got into a sitting position.

And that's when I felt it.

I reached my hand back and felt the bandage over my cuts. The same cuts that I had been trying to ignore for over 24 hours now.

And now I was trying not to panic because not only had Britt seen them but she had cleaned them and bandaged them up.

This had been what I was trying to avoid.

Fuck.

* * *

_"I can explain."_

I was all set to ramble when she pressed a finger to my lips and shook her head.

_"I don't need you to explain...right now...just take these pills. Please?"_

Even though I had a whole speech prepared, I was relieved when she refused to hear it. Especially, since it was a big fat lie.

And she probably knew that was what I was planning to do.

So she didn't even want to give me the chance to lie to her again.

And I didn't blame her.

_"Okay..."_ I said finally taking the pills from her hand and dry swallowing them. _"Are you happy?"_ I asked as she smirked, looking really proud of herself.

_"Happy enough." _She shrugged and then leaned closer to me and ghosted her fingers over my cuts. I hissed in pain and shock that she was blatantly touching them.

Even bandaged up they hurt like they were fresh. She pushed down on a spot and I nearly bit through my lip as I groaned.

_"Please...don't."_ I gasped out feeling like it was taking everything that I had just to breathe.

_"Did someone hurt you?"_

My jaw dropped as I looked at the nonchalant look that she had on her face as she continued to run her fingers over my side.

_"What do you mean, Britt Britt?"_ I gasped out finally reaching back and grabbing her wrist so that she couldn't touch it anymore. _"I'm begging you...please don't touch it?"_ I was pleading with her.

She nodded and pulled her hand away.

* * *

She stared long and hard at me as she plopped down on the bed beside me.

_"How long have we been together?"_

_"You mean just sex or like officially?"_

She sighed and ran her hands tiredly over her face and sighing hard.

_"From the moment in the treehouse...our first kiss...how long?"_

I closed my eyes and counted and then looked over at her eyes and could see they were bloodshot.

I hadn't realized just how upset she was until that moment.

_"Six years."_ I whispered...not believing how long it had been.

_"And as of yesterday how long have we been married?"_

Shit...had I missed our anniversary?

Of all days for the crap yesterday to go down, why did it have to be our anniversary?

_"Two years."_

_"So you would say that I know you pretty good...right?"_

_"Yea, B...definitely."_

_"So tell me why you think that I wouldn't notice that it wasn't you who put those cuts there..."_

_"I don't know what you want me to say, B."_

_"No lies...right? So just tell me the truth Santana."_

I cringed at the sound of my full name rolling from her lips.

_"Just leave it alone...it's over."_

_"What's over? Tell me!"_

_"I-I handled it for now...lets just leave it."_

_"Why?"_

_"You want me to be happy right?"_

_"Yes of course."_

_"And you want things to go back to being better than when we first got together right? Before Marco came back?"_

_"More than anything."_

She seemed to finally be relaxing and letting me reason with her.

_"Then you have to let me deal with this. You have to let this go...please? Can you do that?" _She looked at me and then turned her face away. She didn't look me again as her shoulders began to shake. _"B?"_

She shook her head and held her hand up, still looking away.

I didn't know what to do or what to say...all I knew was that I was stuck in a tough spot.

I couldn't tell her about this.

I had to keep her in the dark...I would never forgive myself if he touched her.

_"Just...tell me..." _She looked down at her lap and from what I could see from the side of her face, she was trying to fight the tears and the anger. _"Are you on drugs again?" _

My heart felt like it stopped.

Is that what she thought this was about?

I put my hand on her arm and felt her flinch away from my touch even though she didn't physically move away from me.

_"Brittany, I swear to you...I am not on drugs and I have no intention of ever being on them again."_

She nodded but continued to look down at her hands.

_"Are you sleeping with someone else?"_

I froze and thought hard about her question.

Was that what this was or was it less then that?

And if I was hesitating to answer what did that say about me?

Britt didn't wait for me to hesitate another second.

She turned sad blue eyes on me and she had the same look as right before she dumped me and suddenly I couldn't allow anything to make her say those words to me, ever again.

_"He was going to force himself on me, B...so I compromised with him...I'm so sorry!"_

She stared at me in shock but then just nodded and rolled off the other side of the bed.

_"Did you fuck him?" _She asked in that sweet Brittany voice she used that was loaded with sarcasm.

_"No."_

_"But it was close enough for you to think that maybe you __did?"_

_"I'm not sure."_ I whispered just before she stormed out of the room.

I was dumbstruck again.

This was really screwed up.

And there was no way to fix it.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"I need your help."_

_"Are you in trouble? What's the matter, mija."_

_ "It's Ana."_ I whispered not wanting Ana to hear me.

_"What happened? She was fine when she left here."_

_"Is Hector there?"_

_"Brittany...if something is wrong with my daughter...you have to tell me."_

_"I don't know what's wrong...I just...I need to help her and I don't think I can."_

_"Start from the beginning."_

_"I can't."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because I don't know when it started. All I know is that I found something and its bad...I can feel it...but she won't tell me anything more than some guy forcing himself on her."_

I barely breathed as I rushed through what I knew.

_"What?!" _

I didn't expect the scream that I heard on the other end of the line and ended up pulling the phone away from my ear.

_"I...look just...can you guys come here...please? I think you can force it out of her."_

_"I don't know...my daughter is mighty stubborn...just like her father...God rest his soul."_

_"You didn't see her, Ma. I have never seen her look this frightened...except when Marco was still alive. She's really scared."_

_"We're on our way. Just tell her that we're coming."_

_"Okay...thank you."_

_"You did the right thing Brittany...just make her some cafe...just how I showed you. Then you sit her down in the kitchen...and you tell her to sit there."_

_"Okay."_

_"We are going to fix this...okay?"_

_"Okay."_

There was another thumping noise from upstairs and then the sound of crying again.

I didn't know what the heck was going on...but I really hoped that between Gladys and Hector...it was something that could be fixed.

* * *

When I got back to the room, I could see the entire top of her dresser had been cleared off onto the floor. That had been the thump and there she sat face in her hands. That had been the crying.

_"I need you to get dressed and come downstairs." _

I made my way completely into the bedroom and there Ana was sitting still, right where I left her.

She looked up at me with so much sadness and fear in her eyes as she moved to get up.

_"Ok."_

_"And Ana?"_

She turned around and looked at me, waiting for me to break her heart.

_"Yes, Britt Britt?" _

_"We're going to deal with this together. That's the only way to make it through the tough stuff. You have to trust me."_

She swallowed hard and stared at me with her beautiful, brown eyes.

_"I trust you with my everything, B. Always and only you."_

_"Good. Get dressed and meet me in the kitchen." _

I didn't wait for her to respond as I made my way back out of the room. I could feel the nervous shake in my hands and was happy that Gladys had given me some direction.

I was panicking on the inside but I knew that I had to be strong on the outside.

And because I had been watching Ana do it for so long, I had learned some of her tricks. Maybe I could use them.

I was willing to do anything to help her fight the monsters in her life. The Brittany that would stand to the side, hoping for sunshine and happiness, the one who wished on rainbows was long gone.

I had learned the hard way that anything worth having, had to be fought for.

And for me...nothing was more worth having then Ana and the kids. My family came first and I would do anything to help them.

Someone had hurt Ana and I wouldn't stand for it. She deserved her happiness, she earned a normal life and she was going to get one.

I would make sure of it.

* * *

_"So are you going to tell me who he is?"_

I had just served Ana her coffee and had waited for her to sit down before saying anything...so when the chance finally came, I asked the first thing that popped up in my mind.

_"You called my mom?"_

When our eyes met I could see the hurt there. I nodded and she ended up sobbing with her forehead pressed to the counter top.

_"You heard me?"_

_"When you left the room...I came after you. You said you would only call if I didn't take the pills. I took them."_

I nodded as I took a sip from my cup.

She was right...I said that but that was before she had told me something more.

_"She's coming over with Hector to talk about this...so that no one has the chance to hurt you like that again. Trust me, I'm doing this for us."_

Her eyes were watery as she looked at me in disbelief.

_"I asked you to drop this."_

_"And I already told you no...they can help you. This is no different then you calling my mom when I cheated. You weren't doing it then to be mean...right?"_

She looked into her mug for a long while and when she looked back at me, I expected her walls to be up but she was still wide open.

_"Yea...you're right."_

_"So you're going to trust me in this?"_

_"All my life...the people that I trusted the most have betrayed me...including you and so it's easy for me to keep things in. What I figured out though...when we broke up and I was forced to be humble...I learned that sometimes I need help and I have to trust. So yes...even though it hurts...I'm at the end of my rope...and I need your help."_

I walked over to her and brushed her hair from her face.

_"Do you really mean that?"_

_"With everything."_

I kissed her forehead a few times and then stood back and stared back.

_"I love you so much, Santana."_

_"I love you too, B."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I sat there staring into my coffee mug trying to get my words together but there was no way that I could make any of this sound okay.

The situation had gotten way out of control.

Britt sat across from me holding my hands and just when I felt like I was going to break apart she began to start singing to me.

Slow and sweet.

The tears were starting to drip from my eyes and I could feel my body start to shake a bit.

Headlights lit up the side door and I took a deep breath and pulled away from Britt.

_"I'm totally mad at you right now, Britt but somewhere inside...I know that I will be insanely grateful for what you are doing. I'm sorry that I was so rude earlier and that I have been keeping yet another thing from you. I'm so fucking sorry."_

She shook her head and stood up from her side of the table.

_"Stand up."_ She said as she held out her hand for me to take.

I stood up and linked our pinkies together before leaning up and kissing her face.

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Stop...this...I know that this wasn't you."_

I looked up at her and shrugged.

_"I could have been stronger."_

_"Not with this baby...I can tell that you tried to be strong with whatever this is but you know that it was breaking you down. I can tell and I can't let that happen. You have fought on your own for way too long."_

* * *

The moment that Mami walked into the kitchen I was wrapped up in her embrace.

She was crying as she held me tightly to her chest and kept kissing my face._  
_

_"I'm here, Ana. I love you so much...okay?"  
_

My mother has never been overly affectionate with me and so seeing her like this, so torn apart over me, completely confused me._  
_

_"I'm okay."_ I whispered as I took a step back.

And that's when I realized that it wasn't just her and Pa here.

There was Abuelo smiling softly at me.

Celia and Quinn were also here looking at me with sad eyes.

I looked over at Britt and could see that she was surprised that there were two more people included on this.

Everything in me was telling me to run away but I could see in her eyes that she was asking me to trust.

The last thing that I wanted to do in this situation was to trust any of these people who all in some way had neglected me in the past.

But what choice did I have?

Things weren't getting fixed by doing things my way.

It was out of my hands._  
_

_"Lets go sit in the sala." _Mami said as she gestured towards the family._  
_

Britt and I were the last to leave the kitchen.

She held onto my hand and pulled me back so that it was just us again._  
_

_"Yea, B?"  
_

_"I'm here...forever. I am so proud of you...I won't leave you...no matter what happened. I don't blame you."  
_

I leaned against her and began sobbing._  
_

_"I'm sorry, Brittany...I'm so fucking sorry."  
_

She rubbed my back and slowly rocked me._  
_

_"I love you, I love you, I love you. I trust you, I believe in you. Always and only you Santana Gladys Lopez...just you and me. No matter what...it's you and me."  
_

I nodded as I was filled with all of her hope.

She held tight to my hand and kissed my fingers.

I would get through this.

We would take down this asshole.

I was sure of it.

Just like I was sure that if I was going to do what needed to be done then I had to trust the people around me.

The people that stuck by me and made sure that I didn't lose everything, including my mind.

The people who nursed me back to health after a coma, the people who saved me from losing my children and my life.

I couldn't fix myself by myself, that was clear to me now...I got it now, I needed help from the people who cared about me.

And now I was willing to fully accept it even if it hurt initially...I knew that they would do whatever they could to save me.

* * *

_**A/N: There is still light at the end of the tunnel...but I am trying to wrap somethings up. Not everything in the end will be perfect...but I want to leave Ana much more healthy then where we found her in the first story. Review and tell me how I did. Lots of love!**  
_


	42. Chapter 42:Beam Me Up

_**A/N: Trigger...I know...I never say it...but I had to...this shoots back to the first story...just be warned.**_

* * *

**Chapter 42: Beam Me Up (P!nk)**

* * *

_**I couldn't fix myself by myself, that was clear to me now...I got it now, I needed help from the people who cared about me.**_

_**And now I was willing to fully accept it even if it hurt initially...I knew that they would do whatever they could to save me.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Start from the beginning...when did you first have relations with Dr. Cray?"_

_"Do you think we can just do this...the two of us? Isn't that protocol?"_

_"We will handle this however you are comfortable, Santana but in my experience...having some family close by helps in this sort of situation."_

And there was that look again asking me to trust..asking me to believe in her. This was my family surrounding me.

My mother who had reemerged in my life as the driving source of my sanity.

My Padrino and Abuelo, both respectively stepping in that father role so seamlessly that it put my own father to shame.

Quinn my eternal best friend...sister and confidant who had opened my sisters eyes in my direction and helped them to stay connected to their wayward sister.

Then there was the love of my life, my Britt Britt, who has dominated my thoughts since all this mess started. I can't mess things up with her.

I had to be open and honest...and fuck it was going to suck but there was just no other way.

* * *

_"You know what Captain Dominguez...lets continue. I have spent way too much time hiding the darker parts of me from the people in this room."_

_"Great! So let's start with...the very first encounter."_

_"Summer 2011...in Brooklyn...he was referred to Marco by Mr. Evans...I think. All I know is that from the start he was very controlling. I was to show up at his house in nothing but a trench coat and heels...in the middle of the summer! He was paying me five thousand per hour so as far as Marco was concerned, I needed to listen to this guy or there would be huge consequences to pay."_

_"Like what?"_

_"Marco...he used...a lot of different tactics to get me to behave...but at that point I was already addicted to coke...so his punishment was to cut me off...which would have meant being sick, going on jobs sober and feeling the things they did to me. That wasn't an option. I had to survive...so I went along with things."_

_"And how often did you meet with Dr. Cray?"_

_"At first it was every week...then that turned into three times a week...ironically...that's how much I see him now. The universe is funny...right?"_

I tried to joke but all the faces around me were serious and unyielding...all the faces except Brittany's. She smiled lightly and squeezed my hand to show her support.

I was grateful for that.

God, I'm so grateful for her.

When this is all over, I'm finally going to start planning our wedding...I don't want to wait any longer.

_"How long did your sessions with him last?"_

I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers against my temples.

My head was starting to hurt pretty badly.

_"Always three hours, down to the minute."_

_"So nine hours a week?"_

_"Yes."_

_"What was an average night like?"_

_"Ha!" _I barked out feeling like this woman really didn't think through what she had asked. I looked around and could see that no one else saw the humor and when I looked over at Britt, even she shook her head. She was right...this was serious. _"I'm sorry...it's just...with him...nothing was average. Every time was something new."_

* * *

It was late and I was tired but I was trying to push through...however, there was definitely something wrong with me.

The dizzy spell from earlier was returning.

I squeezed at Britt's hand desperately until she leaned in and pressed her cheek to my forehead.

_"Can you guys excuse us for a second?"_

Britt didn't wait for anyone to argue, she simply pulled me up from my chair and helped me walk back into the kitchen.

I slid down until I was bent over the cool granite of the counter top with my forehead pressed against it.

_"I feel like shit." _I mumbled.

_"You're doing great in there." _Britt came around and placed a cool hand to the back of my neck and rubbed my back with the other.

_"I just don't get you." _I said as I clenched my eyes closed, trying to get the room to stop rocking.

_"What do you mean?"_

_"You should be so fucking pissed with me...that I kept this from you."_

_"I'm upset...it's just...I know that there is more and I haven't been around for you to tell me...this happened yesterday right?"_

_"Yea...right before track practice."_

_"Okay so...you went to see Izzy after that, then you had dinner with Gladys and then you came home and studied until you passed out...I slept in the guest room again and then I didn't see you until this morning and that was you drinking coffee and then falling asleep on the ride into the city...then I didn't see you again until you showed up in my office with Dani. So when would you have told me?"_

I nodded against the counter top as I thought back over the last two days...she was right, we hadn't really been talking much. The opportunity to tell her never came to pass.

_"I had planned to tell you tonight...when you picked me up from Mami's...but then you didn't show."_

I took deep breaths as the nausea finally receded.

Knowing that Britt wasn't secretly thinking that I was lying to her...made all the difference.

I pushed to my feet and turned around so I was facing her.

She placed her hands on my hips and then leaned in and kissed me before pulling back and looking into my eyes.

_"I trust you, Santana. With my life...I know that you would have gotten around to telling me. I'm just glad that you were forced to tell me sooner...because maybe we can fix this before spring break is over and you never have to see him again. Right?"_

I hadn't thought of that.

If this worked out...and Captain Dominguez was able to actually do something...then this would be over.

All I had to do was cooperate.

* * *

_"I'm not going to make you go into every detail...but I would like to know what you experienced. What made him the most dangerous man you were with...for even Marco?"_

_"He may teach biology...but he's a chemist. He has these enhanced mutations of street drugs. His specialty though is heroin...and that scared the shit out of Marco...because he knew that if I started shooting up...it would be even harder to control my addiction...especially when I got back to Lima. Plus he made me do deplorable things...most involving pain and blood. He gets off on that...and like I said, it scared the shit out of Marco."_

_"So he put a stop to it...what was the tipping point for him?"_

_"He found me in our apartment...overdosing with a needle sticking out of my arm. My heart stopped...but then started again...and when it did...he beat me so badly that I couldn't walk for a few days. Then he forbid me from seeing Dr. Cray...and especially from taking his drugs."_

_"What did Dr. Cray do with these drugs?"_

_"He sells them...well he has dealers that sell for him. It's the only way he could afford to pay me so much."_

_"Did he ever...let you sample the drugs?"_

_"It was required...he would put cocaine on my lips before kissing me and...down...well...down there before going down on me. He liked to have sex without protection...and was always putting cocaine down there...I think it got me high much faster and it would last a really long time. It was the only part of the whole ordeal that I actually looked forward to...that amazing high." _

Just talking about the high made my hands tremor.

Britt squeezed my hand tighter as I fought the urge to rub my palms together.

I hated cravings and this just seemed to make them more apparent.

I avoided looking at everyone even though I knew that they didn't blame me, I was afraid to see their disgust.

How could they not have some of that disgust for me? I willingly went back to this guy every other day.

I felt nauseous as I slammed my eyes closed and nibbled on my fingernails.

_"Do you need a minute, Santana?"_

_"No, no...I'm fine...just ask me something else."_

_"Okay...were there other things that he did with you...that scared you?"_

My laugh was filled with bitterness as I nodded.

This was after all the very thing that had me in the middle of these questions at this very second.

_"His favorite thing to do...was what scared me the most...he loved to...cut me, watch me squirm as the blood poured from me...and then he would spread cocaine over the cuts...just to watch me scream. He gets off on pain...and because it was immediately in my blood stream...I would go from pain to pleasure and then he would fuck me...and if I fought him...he would shoot me up with heroin...but not often...because it was too expensive."_

_"So tell me what happened yesterday."_

I looked over at Britt and mouthed an apology before turning my watery eyes towards Captain Dominguez.

_"Since the first class...he has stared at me...like obsessively staring at me. Usually...I can ignore it. I just...it was a tough week...Isaac's birthday is Sunday...he gets out of the hospital on Monday. Track has been killing me...Britt and I haven't been getting along lately...she hasn't slept in the same bed with me in weeks. I just have a lot going on...and this was a tough midterm...I blanked. Like I didn't even write my name on the paper. So he called me into his office. It was first time...that he and I had been alone since the night I nearly overdosed."_

_"What happened next?"_

I sucked in a breath and buried my face in my hands...this was harder than I had thought.

_"I'm here, Ana and I'm not leaving." _Britt whispered against my ear as she pulled me against her. I nodded and looked back up...but I met Britt's eyes. It was the only way that I would be able to get this out.

_"He told me that he could help me pass...that he would let me sit the test again...and make sure I passed...I just had to do something for him." _I looked in Britt's eyes and made sure that she was paying attention._ "I didn't fuck him. I swear...he asked me to strip down and face the wall...I refused and he pulled out his knife. He told me that if I refused him again...he would make my family mysteriously disappear...starting with you, Britt...he's serious...I've seen him do it...that's how Marco knew what to do with that girl's body. I couldn't bring anything else down on you...I knew that if I did this...he would be satisfied and back off...at least...that's what I was hoping. Although...I was pretty sure it wasn't over...I was stupid."_

Britt brushed her hand over my face and then leaned in and kissed my cheek.

_"I still love you...even if you weren't thinking straight." _She whispered.

I nodded and then looked down at our linked hands.

_"Once I was naked...he cut into my skin...I begged him not to put the cocaine on the cuts...and he wasn't going to listen until I told him that I was on track...for some reason...that stopped him. I think he bets on the teams at school...he didn't want to lose money...so he just...jacked off. He came all over my back...and on the cuts...I felt so dirty...I still do. From there...I headed straight to track. I didn't have time to shower...so I just put on a smile...and ran. By the time that was over...I had blood and his cum all over the inside of my sweatshirt. Thankfully, I showered after that...I didn't go see Isaac yesterday...I couldn't bare to look at him...not like that. So I went back to our apartment and played my piano for hours before it was time for dinner...so I headed to Mami's and tried to eat...but ended up throwing it all up. I came home after that with the baby...and took a really long shower before going to bed."_

* * *

Captain Dominguez cleared her throat and suddenly, I remembered that Britt and I weren't alone in the room. I had been so wrapped up in her tears as I told the events of my day...that I didn't bother to look around the room. Pa and Abuelo both looked pale and angry, while Celia cried in Quinn's arms, then there was Mami...she was standing by the door with her hands over her face.

_"Do you still have the sweatshirt?"_

_"It's in my gym bag in my trunk...I was going to wash it before Britt could see it...but I haven't gotten around to it and now I'm happy that I didn't. So tell me...now that I have run down intimate details of my life...what happens?"_

Captain Dominguez looked over at Mami and then back at me.

_"I want to meet with your mom...prepare your statement...and talk to her about some things...then I will leave her to discuss what she thinks is appropriate for the case with you."_

_"Fair enough...does that mean...that I can head to bed?"_

_"The next few days...maybe weeks...are going to be intense...so I would say...get as much sleep as possible...while you still can."_

Britt kissed me once more before standing and looking around.

_"Why don't you guys head to the guest house...no point in driving back to the city tonight...it's really late."_

Everyone agreed and left the room except, Mami and Captain Dominguez.

When everyone left, I held tight to Britt's hand and turned back towards Captain Dominguez.

_"Is this going to make my life hell...when I go back to school? Tell me now...so I can make plans to transfer." _

_"Let's just say...that your testimony is just putting the final nail in Dr. Cray's coffin. I have been working with the FBI to nail this bastard for two years now. From the sounds of it...you know more about being in his home and office...locating where he keeps his drugs...than all the warrants in the world could provide. You are a material witness and with your help...we can put him away for a very long time."_

* * *

_"So...are you still mad that I called your mom?"_

Britt was in bed with me for the first time in forever, holding me in her arms and periodically dropping kisses on my face.

_"No...I'm glad...that I trusted you."_

_"I know how hard it is still...the past three years, haven't been the best."_

I smiled and nodded as I immersed myself in all things Brittany.

Her smell was invading my senses and her touch had my skin tingling.

It amazed me that she had such an effect on me after all this time.

_"It's been a nightmare."_

_"But...we have two great kids...and we're getting married."_

_"About that..."_ I watched her face morph into a mask of fear but then I smiled. _"Hey...don't make that face!"_

She smiled and then nudged my nose with hers before kissing me.

_"Then don't scare me and I won't."_

_"I want to do it soon...like really soon."_

_"Like when?"_

_"Our original anniversary."_

_"Memorial Day?"_

_"Yea...maybe we can have fireworks...and do it outside?"_

_"But Ana...you always said you wanted it to be classy and formal."_

_"Nope...as long as I have you, B...we could do it on the moon."_

Her eyes lit up and I couldn't help laughing which made her poke out her lip.

God help me.

_"No, Britt Britt...we are not going to the moon."_

_"It was your idea!" _She said as she looked at me in disappointment.

_"I know...but...what if going up that high made Isaac sick...don't you want him at our wedding?"_

She gave it some thought and then looked at me and shrugged.

_"You're right...the air would probably make him have to be put on a breathing machine again."_

_"Exactly."_

_"Then we can do it here...in the back yard?"_

_"Perfect!" _

_"I can't wait to make it real...like real, real...not fake real like before."_

No matter how much Britt had matured...when she's tired...she starts to sound like whimsical Britt Britt from high school. It made me feel all warm and gooey on the inside. I kissed her nose as she drifted off to sleep with a smile on her face.

Tonight had taught me something major...that I didn't need to fight to win.

Sometimes...when you want something bad enough...the universe will conspire to help you.

So I was willing to accept that...and play along.

And to trust that I had picked an amazing women to be by my side.

Being with Britt was the best choice that I had ever made and I don't think I can ever regret it...even in bad times.

* * *

**_April 7th, 2014_**

**_Good Morning Henry, _**

**_My weekend has been filled with a lot of family coming over. _**

**_I have spent most of it in bed because surprise of all surprise...I woke up Saturday with infected cuts. _**

**_Today though...is my little prince's second birthday and Britt is currently driving us to the hospital to go see him. _**

**_When I think back on everything that I went through during my pregnancy and after he was born, I realize just how much of a miracle he is. _**

**_He shouldn't be alive. _**

**_But I am so, so glad that he is. When I look into his eyes, I see all the hope and promise for a better life. _**

**_I see something that I did right. _**

**_Isaac and Daniela, are the best parts of me and I am so grateful to be their Mami...what I'm even more happy about Henry, is that they have Britt. She is so amazing with them...she never denies them...they are hers sometimes, more than they are mine and I know that Ian would be really happy to see that. _**

**_I'm sure he would be disappointed that I jeopardized their lives on multiple occasions, but I have to think that he is somewhere routing for me. _**

**_Britt is parking...I'll talk to you soon!_**

**_S_**

**_Henry!_**

**_Guess who is sitting in my backseat? _**

**_Isaac! They are letting him come home a day early! So I told Mami that we should do something to celebrate so now she and Quinn are running around getting stuff to throw a party together. _**

**_I'm so happy right now! _**

**_Talk to you soon! :)_**

**_Santana_**

* * *

_"Happy Birthday toooo youuuuu!" _

Isaac sat on my lap at the end of the table as everyone that we could gather on short notice (which was surprisingly, just about everyone) sang to him.

_"Yay!"_ He laughed as he clapped his hands together.

_"Happy Birthday, Papa. Can I have a beso?"_

He turned to me with so much joy in his eyes and kissed my cheek.

_"I love you, Mami." _He said before smiling._ "Cake now?" _

I nodded.

_"Yes...lets have cake!"_

Isaac sat snugly in my lap as I cut up pieces the cake with my fork and fed them to him.

_"Good...Mami!" _he rubbed his stomach and showed me a huge smile.

_"I'm glad you like it...say thank you to Dama."_

Isaac looked over at Quinn who was across the table talking to Britt.

_"Dama?"_ He called out. She must not have heard him so he called her again...this time he screamed._ "Dama!"_

Quinn startled and then turned with a freakish smile on her face.

_"Yes birthday boy?"_

_"Thank you. For my cake." _He smiled so proud of himself for getting a full sentence out.

_"You're very welcome, Izzy."_

_"More Mami?" _

* * *

Being in my old house brought back a lot of memories...unfortunately, not many of them were good.

Isaac was in the middle of flying around the room on Abuelo's shoulders. You wouldn't have guessed that he had just gotten out of the hospital after three months.

_"I'm going to take the kids tonight...if you don't mind."_

I looked up from watching Isaac spreading his arms out like Super Grover and met Quinn's hazel eyes. We hadn't been on the best terms lately, partially because she had been living in Minnesota for the last three months and while I'm insanely proud of her for getting an internship at the Mayo Clinic, I am just a little annoyed that she hasn't been around when I've needed her.

_"How long are you in town?"_

_"I'm back for good...the internship is finished...and I've really missed the kids...plus after the last couple of days that you've had...Celia and I thought that you and Britt could use some alone time."_

_"Understatement of the year, Lucy Q."_ I muttered as I stirred my cold coffee and looked down at my half eaten piece of cake.

_"I miss you, San."_

_"Yea? I haven't noticed...seeing as you don't return my calls."_

She slid into the chair next to me and put a hand on my arm.

_"Look at me."_

I shook my head and continued to stir my coffee.

_"There's no need...you can take the kids...that's fine."_

_"San? Please?"_

I finally sighed and met her eyes.

She had that half smile she gave before she cried.

Something that I hadn't witnessed since I was just out of my coma over a year ago.

So much had happened since then.

_"What do you want from me, Q?"_

_"I want my friend back...it's like ever since you got back from Lima...you and I haven't been the same."_

_"We've both been busy."_

_"My point exactly...I should of told you sooner that I had the internship in Minnesota...waiting until the day that I was leaving was kind of cold. That doesn't mean though that I don't love you."_

_"I know you love me, Q...shit...you proved that the day I lost my baby. I know that you love me which is why it hurt that you couldn't share something so awesome with me. Good news is something that I don't get much these days...so I will take every bit that I can get."_

_"You're right...I'm sorry."_

I leaned over and pulled Quinn into my arms. I couldn't remember the last time that we hugged but just experiencing it again, showed me that it had been way too long.

_"I'm sorry too. I'm so blessed to have you in my life...thank you for taking the kids."_

_"Your welcome...now..."_ She pulled away and dabbed at her eyes before fixing her face into a smirk. _"Go ask that hot blonde over there out...take her dancing or something."_

_"Nice...I think I will."_

_"Go get her...champ."_ Quinn said as I stood to my feet and brushed off my jeans with my hands. I cocked my eyebrow and she snickered. _"Just trying to be encouraging."_

_"Please, blondie...I don't need help with my game. Just take good care of my babies."_

_"Always!"_

* * *

**_April 7th, 2014_**

**_Hey Henry,_**

**_I know that it doesn't happen often...but here I am...twice in one day. _**

**_Even though Isaac is finally home...I was still moping around so Britt insisted that we step away for a bit. _**

**_We just walked hand in hand down the street and here we are at the church. _**

**_There isn't a mass right now...but the sanctuary is open, thankfully. _**

**_Britt is kneeling right now...deep in prayer but I can't get myself there. _**

**_I haven't felt very spiritual lately. _**

**_In fact...my faith has taken kind of a hit after this whole thing with Dr. Cray and I don't know how to fix it. _**

**_Why do I always get to this point of doubt?_**

**_What happened to the girl that could still get down on her knees and thank God...even with a broken hand and a broken spirit?_**

**_Marco isn't alive to torment me, Papi isn't around to beat me...but I still persist with being this way. _**

**_And I'm so tired of it._**

**_I'm tired of fighting...but I don't want to be weak anymore. _**

**_There has to be a balance...a way to get back to myself._**

**_It's been a long hard road...but I think that I can do it, Henry...eventually. _**

**_One step at a time. I just don't want to hurt anymore. _**

**_By my hand or anyone else's. _**

**_I want to feel light...and I want things to be easy...at least...easier. _**

**_I need help...but first I need to continue to help myself...heal myself. _**

**_Still a work in progress a year out from rehab. _**

**_That's okay...right?_**

**_Talk to you soon._**

**_S._**

* * *

I felt her arm wrap around my shoulders as I knelt beside her.

_"I'm here...and I will help you...if you need me to."_

I nodded as I felt the tears track down my cheeks.

_"I need you, B. So badly...I feel so heavy...so dirty." _

I turned to meet her sparkling blue eyes and I swear my words dried up in my throat...she telling me to ask if I needed help...she was prepared to step up. Even as we knelt in a church she was giving me that look...the one that told me that she would take over things...just like always.

_"This week...just let me lead...okay?"_ She whispered as she brushed a tear away.

_"Okay."_

_"This is going to be fun...more us time...and by that I mean...you and me...and I mean the four of us as a family."_

I could feel my lips break into a smile.

Because already...I felt a little lighter.

She was an answered prayer.

Thank God for Brittany.

* * *

Every time...

I swear I'm so stubborn that I even annoy myself.

Quinn has the kids and Britt is currently driving us back to the house.

She wants to stay in tonight even though I insisted that we go dancing.

She isn't budging on this.

_"We need to fix us before we can go out and have a good time."_

_"What does that even mean, Brittany?"_

I snapped feeling like I was going to have to let her dominate me again.

Scared that I would break down like I had a few months ago in the shower.

Worried that I would be too vulnerable to function afterwards.

What was my alternative?

Britt had always been a lasting fix for me.

After that night in the shower...things had been so good for me.

I had been clear headed and was able to really focus on the things that I needed to do.

_"Letting me take control...doesn't mean that you're weak, Santana. It means that you are strong enough to realize that you need someone who you love and trust to take over for a while. It was the one thing that Marco got right about you...there is something about the way that Aden was with you...maybe it was him hurting you...but you really do better when you have someone directing you. The bad thing is that people have taken advantage of that. Even Sue did at one point."_

_"And you."_

_"And me...but I learned...that girl that held you pinned to the wall is not the same woman who sits beside you now. You know that right?"_

_"Yea...I know."_

_"So you're not going to fight me on this...right?"_

_"And if I do?"_

_"Then you'll be punished." _

I tried to swallow the dryness in my mouth.

_"You aren't going to hit me are you?"_ I whispered.

_"No...I think you have been hit enough...don't you?"_

I nodded and then squeaked out in relief, _"Definitely."_

_"There are better ways to punish you than being physical...just don't push me there...because you won't like it."_

The warning in her voice made me shiver.

She was right...there were better ways.

And honestly...I didn't even want to know what they were.

* * *

I sat on the edge of the bed waiting for Britt to make her way up the stairs.

This is what she asked me to do...and so it's what I was doing...for a whole fifteen minutes and I was getting antsy, especially since she took my phone from me.

I was getting pissed and I really just wanted to go out but she never did something that didn't have a point.

So I continued to wait.

Another ten minutes went by and I was starting to drift off when I heard the door squeak open.

I was ready to snap at her but then when I looked at her, I could see that she was holding a bag over her shoulder and a tray in her hands.

_"I'm sorry...I got distracted. Are you okay?"_

I nodded in anger but didn't speak a word. She sighed and dropped the bag to the floor and then put the tray down on the bed beside me.

I didn't get a chance to look at what was on it because she was knelt down in front of me and cupping my cheeks. She was searching my eyes and just from the worry in her eyes, I felt guilty.

_"I hate this...you know I hate to wait."_ I finally said.

She nodded and then leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose.

_"I'm sorry. Are you hungry?"_

_"No."_

She sighed as she dropped her hands into my lap and held my hands.

_"I watched you this weekend...I saw you eat twice...today while we were eating cake and this morning when we grabbed breakfast at the food cart."_

She looked at me, waiting for a response but I didn't have one.

_"What do you want me to say? I haven't been hungry."_

_"Don't you have weigh-in's for track?"_

_"Yes."_

_"But you aren't eating."_

_"I always eat a big breakfast before weigh-in and then I have a protein shake."_

_"So you're binging."_

I played with my hands and tried to look away but I knew better than to actually try it.

Britt was serious and I was at her mercy at this point.

* * *

My eating disorder had always been public knowledge...every girl in glee club had witnessed me in the bathroom vomiting since sophomore year. They even joked about it openly.

I never tried to hide it because it was pointless with Brittany around. She made sure that I ate...even when we were on the Sue master cleanses...she would make me eat and when she was around...I didn't throw up. Eventually...my teeth got sensitive and throwing up became too painful...so I exercised...I ran track. It kept my weight down.

I had been good for so long...even when I was alone in Lima.

But when the semester started and I was faced with Dr. Cray' staring and then Britt was so distant...it just came back with a vengeance. It started with missing one meal at a time...before I was missing days of eating.

My first weigh-in I had come up too light...so I started eating huge breakfasts at Mami's. When Britt stopped sleeping in the bed with me and my coach said we didn't have a weigh-in until after break...I started slacking.

Now here I am...and like always...lying about this...just seemed stupid.

The evidence was all over my body.

And Britt knew but she wanted me to admit it.

_"Yes."_

_"And track practice...you said she wanted you in shape...did you really have practice?"_

_"It was just a warm up...twenty minutes...but I stayed on the track for two hours after."_

_"Have you talked to your therapist about any of this?"_

_"She wants to put me on medication, B...I can't be on any of that."_

_"Medication for what exactly?"_

_"She says...fuck..."_ I closed my eyes and then looked back at her.

_"What aren't you telling me?"_

_"She says that I have PTSD from all my time with Marco and she said that if left untreated...I might go back to old habits...to try and cope. __I was fighting so hard to not go back to drugs that I didn't even think about...the eating."_

I admitted finally.

_"That's what the thing in the shower was last night...I was hallucinating."_

_"What did you see?"_

_"Blood and drugs."_

_"Have you been hallucinating a lot?"_

_"A few times since the thing happened with Dr. Cray. I managed it though."_

_"That's not a good thing to just manage. You could hurt yourself..." She grazed my still swollen cheek. "Or worse, you could hurt the kids. Maybe the medication would be good for you."_

_"It won't be...you of all people should know that."_

I pulled my hands from hers and tucked them under my arms, trying to comfort myself as my arms crossed my midsection.

_"Why didn't you come to me?"_

I laughed as she looked at me with all the sincerity in the world.

_"I wanted to...so many times...but you have been too fucking busy for me."_

_"I am NEVER too busy for you."_

I was crying now...and she says that I'm not weak.

_"Then why aren't you sleeping with me?" _I was distraught._ "You barely touch me...we haven't had sex in two months...for us that's like an eternity! Two non-fucking months, Brittany. I have needs!"_

I spill my heart out to her and what does she do?

She laughs.

And I don't mean like a small chuckle...Britt was on the floor curled in a ball and laughing at the top of her lungs.

* * *

I just stared at her in shock as she gripped her stomach and began to calm down after about five minutes.

_"You know what...I can't deal with this." _

I grabbed the tray that I saw had a sandwich on it and took it out of the room with me.

Britt and I spent so much time away from our house that we hadn't been able really enjoy it.

Now with it empty...I was going to take that opportunity.

I headed down to the game room and ended up sitting in the corner on a couch with the tray of food in front of me.

How dare she laugh at me!

With no thought, I began to shove the sandwich into my mouth, piece by piece.

I finished it in seconds and just as I was about to eat Britt's she came into the room looking disheveled and apologetic.

_"Are you about to eat my sandwich?" _She asked, voice devoid of humor.

_"I was." _I said without even looking at her.

_"Can you not do that?" _She asked as she moved to sit on the coffee table next to the tray.

_"Why not? You wanted me to eat."_

_"I don't want you to over do it. No more binging, Santana."_ She said with raised eyebrows before snatching the sandwich from me and taking a big bite.

I sat there looking at her and fought the urge to get up and leave the room again.

_"You laughed at me." _I said looking away from her.

_"I laughed at what you said...it was just...so Puck."_

_"What did I say?"_

I looked at her curiously as I tried to replay my words in my head.

_"That you have needs." _A smile broke across her face and I couldn't help to smile too.

_"Okay...I guess that is kind of funny."_

_"So you forgive me?" _She poked out her lip and gave me the sweetest look and I was puddy in her hands.

_"Yea...I guess...I do."_

* * *

_"How'd you get so good at pool, Britt?"_

_She was currently kicking my ass at our game of pool and I was starting to feel like she was well past beginner's luck._

_"It's not like this is my first time." _She said as she sunk yet another ball in the corner pocket.

I leaned against the wall, watching as she moved around in front of me and bent over the table, wiggling her ass.

My hormones were out of control.

_"Damnit, B...the things you do to me."_

She peeked back and winked.

_"You and your needs...right?"_

I smiled and waited for her to line up her stick before slapping her ass.

Unfortunately, she had been prepared.

_"You're so predictable."_ She snickered before knocking two balls into the side pocket.

_"Can you blame me? Your ass is just teasing me at this point."_ I rasped into her ear as I leaned over her.

_"I'm not going to let you win."_

_"Why not?"_ I whined as she moved around the table again.

_"Because...then I would lose the bet and you already know how much I hate to lose."_

_"Did you ever think that maybe, I'm letting you win?"_

_"Nope...because you don't like to lose either...no matter what the game is and I would think that me winning meaning you having to do something that you don't want...would be good enough reason for you to beat me...but it seems like maybe you want to quit track."_

I bowed my head and sucked in a breath.

Why had I agreed to those terms?

Quit track for spring semester and go back to seeing a therapist everyday.

Right...because I didn't think she knew how to play.

_"I really don't want to quit track, B...isn't there another way?"_

_"No. This was already was me being nice. Do you remember our agreement about track?"_

* * *

I thought back to just after Isaac went into the hospital.

We moved into the house and I started school a week later.

One day...I decided that class was stupid so I went to the movies with Rachel instead.

Eventually it got to the point where I had missed three assignments and failed a test.

Then the track coach found me...asked me to be a part of her squad.

When I came home to Britt she had just gotten off the phone with Rachel.

She asked me how the movie was and told me that I left my wallet in Rachel's car.

I had lied to her.

And we got in a huge fight over me wasting money by skipping classes.

I tried to tell her that I was an adult but then she told me to act like one.

Basically, I had been dropping off Daniela and going to the movies and she said that I was being unfair.

So the agreement was...if I joined track, I had to go to every class and I had to go to therapy every day, and I had to come to her if I felt overwhelmed by anything.

Eventually, I convinced Britt that twice a week was better and she agreed once I proved that I hadn't been skipping classes and I kept being overwhelmed to myself.

If this was her way of punishing me...I preferred her putting me over her knee.

_"Yes."_

_"Am I being unfair?"_

_"No, B."_

_"Good...it's your shot, I scratched."_

I looked down and saw her putting the cue ball back on the center of the table.

_"Maybe you are right, B...maybe I do need to go back to therapy everyday for a while...but please...don't make me quit track."_

_"We'll see."_

* * *

It didn't seem right.

How was she so good in the first part of the game and then bombed the rest?

She said that she must of lost her mojo but I think she felt bad.

I showered alone in the guest room, while Britt made us hot chocolate.

My cuts were burning as I stepped out into the bathroom.

I nearly fell backwards into the tub as the walls began to move.

My breaths became out rapid and short.

The room felt hotter and I felt like I just wanted to curl up and die.

These hallucinations were really starting to scare me.

_"Britt!"_ I screamed out...happy that I still had the capacity to do that.

I heard her thudding up the stairs and then the door burst open.

The moment that I saw her, I collapsed into her arms.

_"I think you need the medicine, baby."_

_"Me too."_ I said as I whimpered in her arms.

_"Do you want to just go to bed and forget the movie?"_

I nodded against her shoulder and wasn't surprised when she leaned down and picked me up.

I was floating as she carried me back to our bedroom and laid me softly on the bed.

_"Naked or t-shirt?"_ She asked as she pulled the towel from under me and began to dry my body.

_"Naked."_

_"Lets go to sleep then."_ She whispered as she tossed the towel into the corner.

_"What about the cuts?"_

She ran her hand over them and then looked at my face as I winced.

_"The need to breathe...lets sleep."_

I snuggled against Britt and allowed her to wrap herself around me.

I took comfort in the fact that she was doing everything she could to help me gain control over myself.

I still didn't trust myself fully...but I trusted her with everything.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

* * *

**_A/N: This character...my Ana...is a creature of habits and routines and even the best people lose their way especially after experiencing so much pain in their lives. My story has never been a fairytale...it's always been about realism...and I'm a fact checker...it's believable and plausible because it is. Life sucks sometimes...so while I love your reading...if you are going to criticize when I do things you hate...at least be fair and tell me when I do something you love! That being said...I hope you enjoyed the chapter! _**

**_A_ **


	43. Chapter 43:Try A Little Tenderness

_**A/N: Insanely obsessed with this song...just so you know! **_

* * *

**Chapter 43: Try A Little Tenderness (Otis Redding)**

* * *

_**I snuggled against Britt and allowed her to wrap herself around me.**_

_**I took comfort in the fact that she was doing everything she could to help me gain control over myself.**_

_**I still didn't trust myself fully...but I trusted her with everything.**_

_**Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I hate having to force Ana to do anything...I like to suggest stuff and just hope that she goes along with it.

So when I brought up that she quit track for a while, seeing the sadness that covered her face was enough to tell me that it would probably make her worse.

The last thing she needed was to have something like that taken from her.

It gave her guidelines, she couldn't be underweight or overweight so she only exercised enough so that she could hit her mark if she over ate.

Still...I don't like the fact that she is falling back down into not eating right.

It has always been a struggle with us...before I knew who Marco Vega was or even noticed that Ian existed...she had been having food issues.

And this mess with her teacher doesn't make it any better.

I couldn't sleep.

She kept crying out in her sleep and I couldn't sleep hearing that in my ear.

There were actually tears in her eyes...by the third time, I couldn't bear to hear anymore so I did what I needed to do to make the pain stop.

I decided to take care of her _"needs"._

* * *

I climbed over her and was grateful that two pregnancies had turned her from a stomach sleeper to a back sleeper, because straddling her waist made it easier to brush my fingers across her face and kiss those plump lips that I loved so much.

She must not have been in a deep sleep because she started smirking as she kissed me back.

_"Open your eyes, baby."_ I whispered against her lips as she tried to lean up and take my bottom lip between her teeth but I pulled back before she could reach.

She squished up her face and then finally she opened up just one eye.

So I only kissed her one lip before pulling back.

_"Aww...come on B...please?"_ She moaned.

_"I want to see both your eyes, Ana."_

She closed both her eyes and then finally her eyes snapped open and she looked at me.

_"Happy?"_

I nodded and then reached my hand down and traced her nipples with my thumbs.

She groaned and bit down on her lip.

_"Are you happy?"_

_"Depends."_ She smiled and then pressed her chest up against my hands.

_"On what?"_ I said as I pinched and massaged her breasts.

_"Do you plan on stopping?"_ She raised her eyebrow and I couldn't help but laugh.

Instead of responding, I ran my hand down her side and leaned in to suck her lip into my mouth.

She groaned as my fingers traced her thighs.

_"Does this answer your question?"_ I growled against her lips.

She shook her head. _"Nope...I guess you just have to be clearer, Britt Britt."_

* * *

_"Shit! Oh fuck! Briitttttttt!"_

I was only sucking her nipples but from the sound of her moans, you would think I was ramming into her.

I leaned up onto my elbows and looked into her eyes as I pressed my bare chest against hers.

_"You okay? Is this too much too soon after your teach-"_

Before I could finish my sentence she wrapped her legs around me and flipped us over.

_"Don't." _She whispered before pressing her lips to my neck and digging her fingers into my hair, scrapping my scalp in the process.

I hissed and she raised her eyebrows.

_"Tell me what you want me to do, Ana."_

_"Make me yours again, B."_

_"I did that already silly." _I said as I brushed her hair out of her face with my fingers.

_"I feel so...used up. He hurt me B...he took my control."_

Now I was confused.

_"Isn't that what I'm doing?"_

_"No, B...you didn't take it...I'm giving it...see the difference?"_

_"Yea."_

_"So...can you? Make me yours?"_

* * *

My mind was zooming to a hundred different ways that I could do what she was asking...but I wasn't sure if any of them were what she needed.

So I twisted my hips and she went tumbling down on to the bed, right beside me.

I leaned on my elbow and waited for her to fix herself.

Since I had given her no warning she had face planted on the bed and was now tangled in the blanket.

But I held in my laughter even though it was funny to watch, I didn't want her to think I was laughing at her again.

By the time that she finally got herself up in a sitting position she looked really annoyed and like she was thinking really hard.

_"Are you hurt?"_ I asked suddenly remembering her cuts and how I probably just made them sting.

She brought her fingers to her lips and began to chew on her thumb nail.

I pulled her hand away and leaned up until I was hovering on my knees in front of her.

_"Sorry, B...just...I realized that you never answered my question."_

My mind was going in circles trying to remember the question that she had asked me.

_"Um...question?"_ I asked shrugging and shaking my head.

I really couldn't remember.

She raised her hand but then hesitated in mid-air before finally placing her hand on my cheek.

_"Why haven't you been sleeping with me?"_

_"Oh...that question."_

She nodded as she dropped her hand into her lap.

_"Talk to me Britt."_

_"I have been really busy with work...and you were keeping me up at night."_

Her face dropped...just like I knew it would.

I had hurt her feelings.

_"How?"_ She said, her face becoming a mask again.

Now she was trying not to be mad at me.

_"It started a while ago...you started crying and then hitting me...you called me Marco a few times. I knew you were going to therapy...and I had the show...so I just left it alone...now I regret it."_

_"Wow...so I was having bad dreams...and you didn't try to help me?" _

Now she was officially upset.

_"It's bad...I know but when you didn't bring it up until tonight...I thought you didn't mind."_

_"I did...I do mind! It's the only time...that we get together anymore. I miss you, Britt Britt. Even in my sleep...and if you tried holding me during those dreams...even touching me...they would have stopped. That's how it's always worked...but you didn't did you?"_

_"Uh...no...I didn't."_

_"Then that's what I mean, B. You gave me this beautiful engagement video...of you open and honest. You touch me and hold me in front of our family and friends...but when we are alone...you are so distant. It makes me think that you don't really want me...do you remember how we were in the beginning...when we first met?"_

I smiled remembering how many times we would be under the stage in the auditorium while we were supposed to be in class. Things had been different back then.

_"We couldn't keep our hands off of each other."_

_"What changed?"_

_"A lot, Ana. We changed. So much has happened since that time in our lives and I don't know if we can go back to that." _

_"What about going back to before Marco...you wanted that...the night in the bathroom...you wanted to take me back there."_

_"I know...I just...it's harder than I thought it would be." _

I was angry at myself for building that up for her and then not following through.

That was what dance was all about...start a move and follow through...that's what I'm good at but I failed her.

And that was just heartbreaking.

_"Don't beat yourself up about it...we are both to blame."_ She said breaking me from my thoughts as she put her hands on my shoulders.

_"How can I make you mine again? How can I be yours again?"_

Her face twisted into a huge grin and she ducked her head down.

When I heard her start sniffling, I pulled back and lifted her chin.

She was biting her lip and tears were coming from her eyes.

Her face was pale as she wiped away her tears before looking in my eyes.

She was searching for something.

So I waited for her to speak to me.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My heart was hurting but it was good pain.

I don't know how that even makes sense.

In all the time that I have known Britt...I don't think she has ever offered herself to me.

_"You have no idea...how amazing that sounds...you giving yourself to me."_ I whispered as I rested my forehead against hers.

_"Yea?"_

Britt's smile melts me every single time.

_"I have always felt like people have taken parts of me. Piece by piece, whether I gave of myself or they just took them. Never though...have any of those people...except Ian...and now you...have given me a part of themselves."_

_"So that's it?"_

She looked like ten thousand light bulbs went off in her head.

_"What's it?" _

_"Ian...that's what it was with him?"_

_"He gave me himself...fully...even when I pushed him away. He also gave us Daniela and Isaac. He gave me a part of him that exists even after his death. I have always had to share you, B. Even when we were dating...you were always cut off from me in someway, look how long it took for me to find out about you being on meds. There is just this part of you that you have kept from me. Now though...knowing that you want to be mine...and that you actually want to give yourself to me...it makes me...I don't know. I feel complete."_

_"Why didn't you just say so before?" _

_"I wanted you to give it willingly...it means more that way."_

_"So tell me how I can be better...how I can give you more of me."_

_"Being here is a start."_ I said as I patted the bed._ "Just because you're in the room with us, me and the kids...doesn't mean you're actually here."_

_"I'm here all the time."_

_"No...when you dance, when the music gets going you get this look on your face and you are super aware of the things around you. It's what makes you such a great choreographer. You see everything. In high school you were like that with people's emotions and thoughts. You were in tune with them."_

_"I'm still like that."_

_"No...not since the show started."_

_"That's just because I'm busy."_

_"Too busy...every night that I come there and you are there late...you are the only one there. Not even Tony sticks around...he's got kids at home and he leaves the second he gets a chance. Why can't you?"_

_"How can I fix it?"_

_"Do things with me...do you know the best times we have had just us are games of tag?"_

_Her face lit up._

_"That's what you want? To just play?"_

_"Go on walks with the kids, go running with me. Eat meals together...when I go to Mami's I always put a setting at the table for you even though I know that you won't show up. There's always that chance you might decide that you miss us enough to want to be with us. Things just aren't working the way that they are now."_

When tears started to flow I brushed them away with my thumbs and then leaned in and kissed her face. When I pulled away she was sucking down huge gulps of air.

_"I work so hard for us Ana...so that you don't have live like before...I didn't like seeing you so broken down. I guess I just thought that you were okay without me. You had your family and Dani."_

_"I've felt like a single parent with Daniela...and I don't feel like I have my family when I don't have you with me...at least part of the day, B. I need you, Brittany. I've been without you before and I don't want to be without you again."_

She was openly crying now as she nodded in agreement_._

* * *

After a few minutes of Britt continuously weeping as she straddled my lap, I couldn't take it anymore.

I couldn't let her hurt because of anything that I said.

It hurt to be rejected, I still remembered how much it stung each time she chose someone over me...Artie...Frankie...Rachel...Grady. It had happened over and over again and I always came back to her because leaving her hurt more.

She had learned her lesson when Grady broke her down at the most basic and ruthless level.

The moment that she laid there and lost a piece of herself, her soul...she started to change.

And I was still learning this new Brittany.

She was an adult now with her own way of doing things.

Her own routines.

Routines that she built while I was living apart from her.

I had changed too.

Some bad and some good...but definitely change.

What hadn't changed though, is how much I hate to see Britt cry.

I hated to see her breaking apart...especially because of something I said.

I never wanted to do that to her and now that I had called her neglect to her attention, I knew for a fact that she would follow through and make sure that she put a lot more effort into keeping this relationship a happy one.

* * *

I placed my hands on her face and cupped it, similar to the way that I had held Ari's in that bathroom to keep her from kissing me.

Except this time, I was leaning in as I held Britt's face still.

When I was just a few breaths away from her face, I watched her eyes close as she anticipated my kiss.

But I held back._  
_

_"B?"_ I whispered.

She kept her eyes closed but scrunched up her eyebrows._  
_

_"Hmm?"  
_

_"I love you so much...I will always love you the most. Always and only you...I know that you will be amazing to me from now on. So let's do it."  
_

_"Do what?"_ She asked, still keeping her eyes closed and her lips pursed to receive me._  
_

_"Next Saturday...lets get married."  
_

She didn't wait after that, she surged forward and kissed my lips so hard.

All at once her hands were touching my skin, leaving a trail of heat and raised flesh wherever they touched.

God, the things she does to me.

* * *

_"I want you to love me, Britt...with everything that you've got."_ I whispered as she took over, lowering me onto the bed and kneeling between my legs. _  
_

_"Can I use the strap-on?"_

I bit my lip as I remembered the last time that she had taken me that way.

I wondered if she remembered.

Labor Day...the day that she choked me and put me into that coma.

That was over a year ago and I wasn't even sure I could handle it but I wanted to try.

_"I want everything...I want you to take control...I want to be able to give it to you instead of you just taking it."_

_"Tell me how you want me." _She said as she trailed her fingers lightly over my nipples. Her touch was so light that I could barely feel it. I groaned and threw my head back as I arched my body into her touch.

_"Use the handcuffs...the blindfold...the strap-on...all of it B...just take me there."_

_"Only if you do the same to me."_ She whispered, finally meeting my eyes with so much love and tenderness.

I nodded and she smiled.

_"Whatever you want, B."_

_"Good...then...less talking...more feeling from now on. Nod if you understand."_

How many times had I used that line on other people?

I cocked my eyebrow and then smiled before nodding my head in agreement.

Britt crashed her lips against mine and after way too much talking I was finally going to feel her touching me, loving me...

_"Fucking Rachel Berry!"_ I grunted while sitting up and reaching for my phone.

* * *

The last thing that I wanted to do in that moment was answer my phone.

But it was Rachel's ringtone and I couldn't ignore it.

We had an agreement since we left rehab that if either of us felt like we were at our limits...that we could call the other.

Britt straddled me, looking down at me with a sad panda face...but I couldn't ignore this.

Especially since Rachel never called...ever.

_"I'm so sorry, Britt Britt...I have to-"_

She held up her hand, cutting me off and climbed down from the bed.

_"Just answer it."_ She said coldly as she left the room and slammed the door behind her.

_"Shit."_ I muttered as I slid a shaky finger across the screen to answer it.

It didn't escape my notice that it was just after four in the morning.

_"Oh Yahweh...Santana please answer." _Rachel was rambling as I pressed my phone against my ear.

_"Rachel? What is it?" _I said, tentatively holding back my anger just in case this was serious.

_"You picked up! Oh thank goodness. You have nooooo idea how bad...I need you, Santana." _

Yea there was the slur.

She was drunk.

_"Where are you?" _I asked as I slipped from the bed and headed for my dresser to grab some clothes.

_"Ummmm."_ I heard horns and then a screech of tires.

I felt my blood pressure rise and my ears start to burn.

_"Rachel are you standing in the street?"_

Silence.

_"...yep!"_ She said after letting out a loud burp.

_"Get out of the street and hold your hand up."_

_"Um...okay." _

I heard shuffling and then I heard her breathing.

_"Are you doing it?"_ I said as I pulled my shirt over my head.

_"Hey looooook...a cab." _

_"Get in the cab and give the phone to the driver." _

There was more shuffling.

Thankfully the cab driver was a really nice guy who spoke Spanish.

I directed him to our apartment building and asked him to make sure that she was in the lobby.

When I heard Rachel again she sounded even worse.

_"Sssantana?"_ Then I heard the sloshing of liquid.

_"Are you still drinking?"_

_"Oh look at that...are you coming? I need y-you." _

_"I'm climbing in my car now...I'm going to leave you on speaker...don't hang up."_

And as if to prove a point...

What does she do?

She hangs the fuck up.

I rushed down the stairs in my moccasins and ran straight into Britt as I tried to call Rachel back.

_"Fuck!"_ I said as I felt her firm body against mine and her hands gripping my arms so that I didn't fall.

I looked up into stormy blue eyes and saw how upset she was.

_"Where are you going?"_

_"Rachel's drunk...I need to go." _I said trying to pull from her grip.

_"I'm coming with you."_

_"Fine...just...lets go."_ I said before nodding and shaking off her hands. _"The cab is dropping her at the apartment."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I tried so hard not to be annoyed.

How many times had Quinn done this very same thing for Santana?

Santana was being a good friend to Rachel and I was being a brat.

I guess I was just frustrated because we were finally getting somewhere...finally crossing the huge gap that existed between us.

She kept hitting her Bluetooth over and over again.

_"Call Rachel."_

She screamed for the third time after getting a busy signal.

When I looked over at her, she had tears in her eyes and I could see that her hands were gripping the steering wheel so tight that her knuckles were red.

_"Ana you need to calm down."_

_"You don't get it, Brittany. If Rachel can't even stay sober..." _

She was sobbing now, carelessly weaving through traffic, I gripped tightly to her thigh as we zoomed into the city.

I rested a hand on her leg and could feel the shaking...the tremors.

I rubbed my hand there and then squeezed it again, it was like holding onto a bone.

She had lost more weight than I had realized.

_"Ana...we have to talk...this is..."_ I was speechless as I sat back and took a good look at her in her jacket.

Her clothes were hanging off of her and without make-up I could see that her cheeks and eyes were starting to sink in.

I was so stupid.

_"Britt...don't...please."_ She whispered as we pulled into the parking garage. _"Not now."_

* * *

I resisted the urge to snap at her.

That was the last thing that she needed.

But even though we had just discussed her letting me take control of stuff so she couldn't stress...Rachel had called her.

And if I knew one thing for certain about Santana Lopez, is that she is fiercely loyal.

I could tell in the way she looked at me as she climbed out of the truck.

Begging me to forgive her this.

And even though I did...I still couldn't fight the anger that I was feeling.

But I was just going to push it away for now.

This was a big deal.

I knew that even though she didn't admit it, she admired Rachel for taking charge of her drinking.

She was scared.

And if I was honest...so was I.

This would definitely be a huge hit to her confidence.

I was silently praying as I followed her towards the lobby, that Rachel had a really good excuse to ruining her sobriety after a year.

* * *

I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I collided with Ana's back.

She was just standing there in the lobby, with her mouth half open and her eyes as big as could be.

When I looked around her, I could see that Rachel was passed out across two chairs in nothing but over-sized boxers and a bra.

_"What the fuck, Berry?"_ Ana whispered suddenly alert again. _"Can you help me carry her upstairs, B?"_

_"I'll carry her...but we aren't going to leave her here...we will take her somewhere else...but I'm not leaving her here." _I said, feeling nervous about giving Rachel access to the apartment while she was like this.

Before I could move over towards Rachel, Ana grabbed my arm and whipped me around to face her.

_"I never said that I was leaving her...but fine...if you don't want her here...we can take her home with us."_

_"No."_ I said ripping my arm from her tight hold.

_"Are we really doing this right now, Brittany?"_

_"Yes! I can't...we can't deal with this, Santana. You are barely doing good right now...we shouldn't be taking care of her."_

_"She is my friend, B. I can't just let her fall off the wagon. When you broke up with me...and I got cut off...it was Rachel that helped me stand on my own two feet and gave me a place to live...free of charge. When I was in Lima...feeling like I wanted to snort so much coke that my lungs were full and my head was empty...it was Rachel fucking Berry that dropped everything and drove all the way up there to hold my hand while I cried. So you know what, fuck you for thinking that I wouldn't return that favor...if you want to be a cold bitch...then go ahead. But I...am going to make sure that she is okay and then I'm going to talk her through this, because I know her Britt and this is not just something that she decided to do...something had to be seriously wrong. I can't leave her...not like this."_

Passion.

I hadn't seen Ana show so much passion over anything like she was showing right now.

She was right.

We couldn't just leave Rachel like this.

I couldn't be selfish...even if I felt like I had every right to be.

Rachel had stepped up and been more than a friend to Ana and even though she had helped me cheat on Ana way back when we first got to New York, Ana still trusted Rachel enough to sacrifice our free time, to make sure that she got through this.

This was the Santana Lopez that I had fallen in love with when I was fifteen years old.

And right now I could feel the heat underneath my skin as that feeling was firing up inside my heart.

I flashed her a smile and pulled her against me.

_"Okay."_ I whispered.

_"Okay?"_ Her voice squeaked.

I could tell that she had been afraid of my response but she had still stood her ground...putting all her faith in me...hoping that I trusted her enough to stand by her.

_"Yes...I didn't realize how much she means to you. Let's take her home...you're right. I was being a bitch and I'm sorry."_

* * *

_Ana sat in the back seat with Rachel draped across her lap as I quietly drove us home. _

I kept checking through the rear-view mirror and every time I did I could see that Ana was watching Rachel carefully.

The fear in her eyes was more than just concern for Rachel, with everything that had just happened with her teacher and then me pulling away from her...I knew that she was craving something.

It was in the way she looked pale, the way she kept liking at her lips and the way that I could feel her shaking her legs at every stop.

This was bad.

So fucking bad.

I felt so released when we were finally home.

Ana jumped out of the car and gave me an excuse about needing to get the downstairs guest room ready before rushing into the house.

I swallowed my worries and scooped up Rachel from the back seat and tossed her over my shoulder.

When I made it into the house, I immediately hesitated.

The harsh sound of vomiting tore through the air.

I walked to the guest room and dropped Rachel onto the bed, making sure she was on her stomach before going to the bathroom.

Ana was resting her sweaty forehead against the toilet seat and weeping.

_"Oh baby...it's going to be okay...shhh...please don't cry." _I whispered as I fell to my knees and pulled her hair back, some of it wet from falling into the toilet.

She didn't look at me as she lunged forward and hacked into the toilet again.

I pulled the twisty tie from my hair and bunched her hair into a messy bun before getting up and filling a cup with water and grabbing a hand towel.

She sat back on her knees and looked at me with weary eyes.

_"I'm so tired of fighting, B."_ She said in a scratchy voice.

_"I know baby...I know."_ I was kneeling again, brushing the towel across her sweaty forehead.

_"Please don't be ups_e_t with me. I know usually I'm the strong one but lately...I just feel like I'm fighting so hard every single fucking day just to be like everyone else and I'm so, so tired, B."_

* * *

I hated to see her like this.

What happened to the smile from just earlier?

How had that faded so fast?

So I did the only thing I could think of in that moment.

I pressed my lips to her cheek and then rested my forehead against hers and looked into her eyes.

She closed her eyes and the tears tracked down her cheeks.

I kissed the tears and then kissed her lips.

She took greedy breaths through her nose as she crashed her lips against mine.

Then she pulled back and threw her arms over my shoulders and began sobbing against my neck._  
_

_"I don't want to be a fuck up anymore." _She whispered before kissing me behind my ear._ "I wish that I could start over."  
_

_"You can." _I said as I rubbed her back. I sat back slowly and pulled her light body into my lap as I leaned against the wall.

When she tried to pull away, I just held her tighter until she gave in and completely rested her body against me._  
_

_"How?"  
_

_"You can start over and over again...as many times as you want. We can go anywhere in the world...we can be anyone you want to be. Just don't give in to the bad feelings and when you feel like this...just be open with me and I will help you through it...until you feel strong enough."  
_

_"You make it sound so easy."  
_

_"Because when it's you and me...together...it is easy."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I wished that I could have stayed cradled against Britt forever.

Because she made me feel safe and complete.

But that wasn't how it could be.

I knew that there was so much work to be done.

So many things needed to be discussed but in this moment, as she traces her fingers up and down my arm, it just feels easy...like she says that it can be.

Back in the beginning...before I knew about sex and drugs...when it was just me and my piano...that was when things were easy.

Now though...so much of that girl was gone.

I was a woman torn to pieces inside and everyone around me was the same.

We had all been worn down to our limits and yet we still fought.

But did that ever end?

Was there ever a time when things got easy again?

* * *

_"B? I think...that I need to not go to school anymore."_

_"Hmm?"_

I looked up and could see that her eyes were closed and her head was rested back against the wall.

I pressed my ear against her chest and just comforted myself with the sound of her heart beating.

Knowing that it beat for me and for our kids more than anything.

_"I don't think that life is meant for me...it's not my dream. I'm not playing my piano anymore...I'm not singing."_

_"My songbird."_ She whispered as her hands squeezed me tighter.

_"I'm going to drop out."_ I said out loud to myself for the first time.

Suddenly she was alert as she met my eyes.

_"Are you dropping out because you are afraid that nothing will happen with Dr. Cray?"_

My heart started racing as I thought back to that afternoon pressed against his office wall as he came all over me.

I felt nausea rip through me again and leapt from Britt's arms and barely made it to the toilet before gagging into the bowl.

Some of the acid came out of my nose and I felt like I was suddenly there and it was happening all over again.

Why was my life so fucked up?

* * *

I couldn't deal anymore.

When I felt like there was nothing left in my stomach, I pushed up from the floor and swallowed down the cool water that Britt had handed me.

She was watching me like I was going to break at any moment.

I flashed her a smiled and then walked straight towards the door.

And she wasn't trying to stop me.

She knew me...she knew that I needed to move and that I needed to not think.

I walked into the guest room and was surprised to see Rachel sitting up in bed and scrolling through her phone.

_"Hey."_ I said, sitting on the edge of the bed and pushing her legs over.

She looked up at me and flushed red.

_"Hi."_ She said before dropping her phone down and looking at me full on with big apologetic eyes. _"I'm so sorry about all of this...I heard you in the bathroom...I should have just gone back to the apartment and dealt with my situation instead of bringing you into it."_

I shook my head at her and then put my hand on her shoulder.

_"Listen Berry, there is no way that going back to the apartment to fix any situation in your condition would have helped matters. Besides, I'm glad that you called me."_

A small smile crept across her lips as she nodded.

_"I figured you would be...I know how much you hate to be in anyone's debt."_

I shook my head and reached up to push her damp hair from her eyes.

_"It's so not about that...it's about being a true friend. It's about being what you needed at that exact moment. You hit a low tonight and while I wish that you had called me before you drank...I'm glad that you called me after."_

_"I don't even know what happened...one minute I'm yelling at Noah for fucking up things for me...the next...I'm at a bar and guys are buying me shots. I don't know how I ended up dressed like this...or if I slept with anyone...and if I did...I'm no better than Noah."_ She rambled.

_"Why do you say that? What did he fuck up?"_

_"Well...oh hey Brittany..."_ She said. I looked behind me in enough time to see Britt smile and then she handed Rachel a glass and some pills._ "Thank you so much! I can already feel my hangover sneaking up on me." _

_"No problem...I'm going to get some sleep. We have to get the kids in a few hours and one of us should be rested."_ She said pressing her lips to my temple before leaving the room.

Rachel followed Britt out the room with her eyes and then stared at the door for a long moment before looking back at me.

_"I'm really sorry about this Santana."_

_"Tell me...about you and NoNo."_

She smiled...loving the nickname I had for one of my oldest friends.

_"We got married...because...I got pregnant." I felt my eyes bug out as I looked at her...because now this was even worse. I went to speak but she shook her head and took a deep breath. "I lost the baby like a day later...while we were still on the cruise. We decided not to separate because we really do love each other. Anyway...I went to the doctor and they told me that I'm pregnant again. I freaked out...I don't know what to do...and then I got back to the apartment and he's making out with some random girl...on the same couch that his little girl watches her cartoons. I...didn't tell him about the baby. I don't even know if I should."_

_"Wait...what do you mean?"_

_"I might get rid of it."_

I shook my head.

_"You can't...Rachel...that's a life."_

_"I don't need the lecture...I get it...you're super Catholic and so is everyone else but me and Noah...I understand how you feel about this but I just don't think motherhood is for me. I'm not like you...I can't give up my dreams to be someone's mother. I'm way too selfish."_

I nodded feeling the sting of her words.

_"You need to decide what you are going to do...and you need to talk to Noah."_

_"I know...I am...I...are you disappointed in me?" _

_"Yea...I am."_ I said honestly.

She nodded and then brushed her fingers through her hair before drinking down the pills and gulping the water.

_"I don't want this baby, Santana. And I would really appreciate it, if you didn't say anything to anyone about it."_

_"I can't do that Rachel...I'm sorry. I can't not tell Noah...he can't...this is going to really hurt him if he finds out down the road that you did this and didn't tell him and if he knows that I knew and didn't tell him...he would never forgive me."_

_"I thought you were loyal?"_

_"Fuck you, Berry...if I wasn't do you think you would be here right now?"_

She nodded and then sat back against the pillows.

_"Sorry...that was...low. You're right...I shouldn't ask that of you. Especially after everything with Brittany...I was stupid to even ask."_

_"My kids are the best things in my life...I can still live my life and my dreams and so can you. Look at Quinn...she's almost done pre-med...she went off and did her internship and Puck stayed with Beth...you don't think he would do that for you...his wife...and his kid?"_

She closed her eyes and pressed her fingers to her temples.

_"Yea...I guess you're right...he would."_

_"You aren't the only one that this effects...and I won't begin to tell you what to do with your body...but just think hard about this."_

She nodded and then leaned forward.

_"I'm going to hug you now...okay?"_

I smiled and held my arms open.

_"Get over here, Rachel."_

Life had sure changed.

I was talking Rachel Berry down from the ledge and hugging her willingly.

She snuggled against my chest and within seconds was back to sleep.

I laid her back and pressed a kiss to her her head before resting my hand against her lower abdomen.

I couldn't get myself to feel anything about what she was thinking of doing.

NoNo would break apart if she kept a secret like that from him...and I really didn't want to see that happening.

He was a good guy...and he tried really hard even if he did make some really dumb decisions.

I just hoped that she took my advice and talked to him first.

He deserved that much.

Cheater or not.

* * *

By the time that I made it to the bed room, I figured that Britt would be asleep...but she was no where to be found.

_"Britt?"_ I said as I closed the door and made my way over to the bed.

_"Strip."_ I heard a low voice.

I went to turn around but I felt her hands on my shoulders.

_"B?"_ I whispered...feeling the immediate wetness pooling in my panties.

_"Do as I say...and don't turn around."_

She had a lightness to her voice that had me wishing that I could see the look in her eyes that I was sure would send me flying into her arms.

I wanted her so badly but I am a Lopez...and we are a bit dramatic...so I slowly pealed out of my shirt and then bent almost completely over and shook my ass as I lowered my sweatpants and panties in one go.

I heard her clear her throat and chuckled to myself, slowly running my hands up my sides as I stood up.

_"Anything else, Britt Britt." _

I made to turn my head but I before I could turn completely, I felt her warmth surrounding me and something poking my ass.

Instead of responding, she wrapped her arm around my waist and used her other hand to brush my stray hairs from my neck.

I shivered as I felt her breath tickle the skin just where my shoulder met my neck.

She didn't move after that.

She was in the mood to tease...and I needed her so much that I couldn't hold back the groan of frustration that left my lips.

_"Be patient."_ She whispered before lowering her lips and nipping at my flesh.

The sting sent jolts of pleasure through my body as she sucked lightly at the place that she had bitten.

She continued this same action over and over again, across my shoulder and then up the side of my neck until she was sucking my ear between her teeth and biting down.

_"Uhh."_ I grunted.

If it wasn't for her firm grip around my waist, I would have surely fallen forward by now.

She was grinding against my ass and I was loving every second of it.

I felt so safe as and loved as I rested fully against her, my head lolling onto her shoulder as her hands moved up and grabbed my breasts.

She manipulated my nipples until they were rock hard and so deliciously painful.

_"Feels good?"_ She said as she kissed at my neck, hands still squeezing my nipples, hips still pressing urgently against my ass.

_"Fuck...yes...B...you feel so, so good."_

_"I'm going to make you mine...as many times as I have to. As many times as it takes you to remember that you are good enough and that you can be everything that you want to be."_

Hearing those words...and feeling her body surrounding me made my heart race.

My mind understood and my heart felt...but my soul...was still on the fence.

I was still on the fence.

My eating disorder was back...full force...worse than I was openly admitting.

As of an hour ago, I was still craving cocaine and doubt had been clouding my mind so bad that it had made me physically sick.

But even through all the fog of negativity that was standing in my way of success...Brittany was still there.

Still loving me...still pushing me beyond my limits.

Pushing me to find the me that I was meant to be, instead of a me that I was settling for.

It should of made me happy.

But it just scared the shit out of me.

* * *

Her touch was firm yet tender as she walked us forward until my thighs were touching the bed.

I knew what she was doing and in all the years we had been together this was the position that I had resisted.

It had Marco written all over it.

_"What are you doing, Britt?"_ I whispered as she pressed lightly on my back so that I would bend forward across the bed.

_"No more barriers...I don't want there to be any action to remind you of bad memories. I want you to always think of me...and this has belonged to Marco for way too long...and so it is the first thing that I'm taking back."_

I swallowed hard as she ran her hand soothingly over my back, immediately calming me down.

The thoughts of Marco holding me down, still present in the front of my mind.

She leaned over me and kissed the back of my neck as her hands caressed my arms and my sides so sweetly.

Her touch still tender and still firm.

_"I love you."_ She kissed my shoulders. _"I love you."_ She held my hands in hers. _"I love you."_ She raked her nails delicately down my back. _"I love you."_ I shuddered as she trailed kisses down my spine. _"I love you, Santana."_ She said as her fingers squeezed my ass and then tapped it lightly. _"I love you more than life and death and everything in between."_

I could feel wetness soaking the tops of my thighs as she pressed against me again.

_"Oh God." _I whispered as she brought her hands to firmly grasp my hips.

_"I love you."_ She said again as she massaged my hips and then when her lips came down and met the four straight healing cuts that curved around my side and I cried out in shock, she murmured. _"I love you. No one can take that from us. No one."_ I heard her voice break on the last word as she kissed each cut individually and then brushed her fingers over them. _"I love you."_ She said with so much emotion in her voice that I felt my heart clench.

I was grinding back against her now...needing her so badly. All thoughts of Marco gone from my mind as I tried to get her to take me.

_"Please, Britt."_

I heard her chuckle as she pushed the tip of the strap on between my legs until it bumped my clit.

_"Not yet...be patient."_ She said as she ran her fingers over my ass and then down until she was gripping my thighs. _"Spread your legs." _

I was barely touching the floor, my toes were the only thing touching the floor in fact as I spread my legs as far as possible.

When I did, I could feel that the sheet that I was resting against was soaked through.

_"I need you, B."_ I whined as I felt her fingers graze my clit.

_"Mmmm...I can feel that."_

But she didn't move as she stepped back.

The cold in the air touched the most intimate parts of me and I shuddered.

I was afraid to move.

And I'm glad that I didn't as I heard a whizzing sound and then a smack before the pain of her hand connecting with my ass, made me jump.

_"B!"_ I gasped.

_"I love you."_ She said before I heard that sound again and my ass was feeling the impact of her hand.

_"Please."_ I moaned.

I was literally dripping now and even through my lust filled mind...I could feel that she was changing my idea of punishment...my idea of pain. She was owning every bad action ever done to me and making me crazy for her touch...even the sting.

_"I love you."_ She said as she brought her hand down quickly another four times in succession.

With each slap, I was brushing against the bed and stimulating myself.

I was so turned on.

_"Oh my...oh Britt."_ I groaned needing to cum but knowing that I wasn't going to until she was ready for it to happen.

By the fourth slap, I was moaning and pressing my ass into the air awaiting the next slap that was going to push me over the edge.

I pressed my ass up and shook it waiting for her hand to come down...but it never did.

Instead she was pressing against me and rubbing the sting away from my flesh.

_"I love you."_

And I believed it with my everything.

My body was vibrating with the love that she was giving me.

It was quickly becoming my world, my happiness.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I didn't think she would respond like this.

I didn't think that she would let me go past her limits.

I had been searching for this in all those other people...but I never felt satisfied.

Until now.

This was where I belonged.

Never was I more sure of that than now.

I pressed a kiss to her neck and then wrapped my hand around her waist.

It was moments like this that I wished that I could actually feel what it was like to be inside of her.

I'm sure I'm not the first to feel that way either.

I took my time pressing into her and enjoyed the sound her moaning out my name.

I pressed down into her until I could feel that her wetness that was dripping from her was pressed against my hips.

She was trying to hump against me but I held her hips in place and then kissed down her back again.

_"I love you."_ I said as I felt her squirming beneath me.

_"Fuck...I love you too...move...please?"_

_"How do you want me, Ana?"_

_"Start slow...just...move...I'm begging, Brittany."_

I smiled to myself as I kissed her neck once more before standing up and then pulling back, watching until I was almost out of her and then I pushed really, really slowly back in.

She hissed and then tried to hump back but I held her still.

_"You wanted it slow...are you changing your mind?"_ As I finally met her skin and then slowly pulled all the way back again.

This was the true test...Marco used to take her fast and hard from behind and I was never allowed to do that.

For awhile it was always slow and tender between us until she got comfortable...except back here...just didn't happen.

I would know now though...with her response whether she still had fears of Marco in her head.

_"Fuck...please...hard...I want you to fuck me...love me and fuck me...please?"_ She begged.

I grinned so hard as I pushed forward with more force and she groaned.

_"Like that?"_ I said enjoying the sounds that she was making.

_"Yes! Harder...fuck...yes!"_ I began to pound into her, feeling more and more confidence with her urging me on, harder and faster.

_"I love you. I love you. I love you."_ I was chanting as I felt my need build up.

_"Uh...uh...uh...uh...Britt! Oh...yes...yes...yes."_

She was gripping the sheets hard as I kept going harder and twisting my hips.

I reached forward and placed my hands on top of hers, linking our fingers together as I worked every muscle in my back, listening to her grunting and moaning below me.

_"Are you close?"_ I whispered against her neck.

_"Ummmhmmm."_ She said as she bit down on her bottom lip.

_"Let go...cum for me."_

She nodded and I watched as her eyes snapped open and then rolled back. Her mouth hung open as her body started shaking underneath me.

_"Britt! B...oh God. Brittany!"_ She screamed out my name and I pressed a kiss to her shoulder. I continued to pump inside of her, slowly, riding out her orgasm. Her brown eyes were an amazing shade of the darkest black when she looked at me again, my heart danced around in my chest happily as she smiled at me. _"I love you...so fucking much! Thank you."_ She said as the most beautiful smile in all the world, graced her lips.

Times like this...me being longer than her were useful, because I was able to suck her lip between my own and kiss her as I still moved inside of her.

She was still squirming as I worked to build her back up.

_"Tired?"_ I asked, knowing that I had more energy than I should as the sun was starting to rise and we had barely slept.

_"Yes."_ She whispered as she closed her eyes and let out small moans. That's when I realized that I hadn't stopped moving inside of her.

When I went to pull out she opened her eyes again.

_"Don't...just stay...a little bit longer."_ She whispered.

_"I want to...just lets climb up on the bed."_ I said...feeling my knees want to give out.

She groaned and then nodded._ "Fine." _

I pulled out of her and then waited as she crawled onto her side and rested her head against the pillow.

When I moved behind her, she lifted her leg and pressed her ass back until I was pushing inside of her again.

She hissed and I was ready to pull back out but she pulled my arms tightly around her and pressed into my lap as I spooned her.

_"Perfect."_ She whispered, in a sleepy voice.

_"Are you sure?"_ I asked but she never answered as a soft snore came from her lips.

I smiled and then kissed her shoulder before pulling the comforter over our bodies.

_"I love you."_ She mumbled.

_"I love you too, Ana."_ I said before closing my eyes and letting sleep take over.

* * *

_"Oh God...Britt...please...wake up."_

I opened my eyes and felt Ana squirming against me.

We were still sandwiched together as I felt her pulling at my arms.

_"Huh?"_

_"I have to pee...I need...oh God...I need you to pull out of me."_

Suddenly everything came rushing back to me and I realized that I was still inside of her.

I pulled out of her and rolled onto my back.

Before I could speak, she was out of the bed and flying across the room.

I smiled to myself as I saw my hand print on her ass just before she closed the door behind her.

How long had she been trying to wake me?

I wiggled out of the strap on and tossed it to the side before rolling onto my stomach and stretching.

The clock told me that we had only been asleep for an hour.

We had to go get the kids at two and after Ana and I stopped to see her therapist.

Our day was going to be full of stuff so I gave up on going back to sleep and decided that I would just shower instead.

Even with only an hour of sleep, I was feeling energized and really happy.

Hopefully, Ana was feeling the same way.

* * *

I pushed the bathroom door open and she was still sitting on the toilet staring blankly at the wall.

_"You okay?"_ I said as I brushed my hair from my face.

Her eyes met mine and I could see that her mind was all over the place.

_"I'm pretty sure that if you could of...I would so be pregnant right now."_ She whispered as she flinched.

_"Did I hurt you?"_ I said as I brushed my fingers over her cheek.

_"No...I'm not sure how I feel right now, actually."_

That didn't sound good.

I reached past her and turned on the shower before meeting her eyes again nervously.

_"Tell me that you aren't upset with me."_ I begged.

Her eyes all of a sudden were looking at me with confusion.

_"No...if anything...you fixed something in me. I just...don't feel as...broken? As dirty?"_

I felt relief fill me, she wasn't confused about us...but how she felt.

That I could deal with.

_"Come shower with me?"_ I asked holding my hand out to her, not caring if she had wiped herself...after you have held a bloody baby straight out of their mother...those kind of things don't gross you out anymore.

She nodded and slid her hand into mine, letting me lead her into the shower.

_"Britt?"_ She pulled at my hand before she stepped in the shower.

_"Yea?"_

_"Thank you so much for that. I needed that more than I realized. I needed you."_

I smiled at her and pulled her under the water.

I watched in awe as the water washed over her.

She smiled at me and then leaned in to crash her lips against mine.

Suddenly I was remembering how I didn't cum with her earlier...how I hadn't even noticed that I didn't get off.

And what was crazier...was that I didn't even care.

It had been about her more than anything else.

I had made love to her with my everything.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My heart felt so full as I held my hands in Britt's hair.

She was touching me so delicately as I pressed her against the wall of the shower.

_"I love you."_ I said softly as I gripped her waist.

She groaned against my lips and nodded.

_"I know."_

_"I'm yours."_

_"I know."_

_"You're mine."_

_"Make me." _She smiled as she looked into my eyes with so much lust.

And then I remembered how she had asked me to make her mine again.

It felt impossible but my heart seemed to grow even bigger as I skipped the foreplay, knowing that like always she would be wet for me.

I sucked at her neck as I pressed my fingers against her entrance.

_"You're mine." _I growled.

_"Yesssss." _She hissed as I pushed inside of her.

I gripped her leg and pulled it around my waist as I ground against her in the corner of the shower, the steaming water pounding against my back.

_"How do you want me, Britt?" _Although I knew that she liked it hard.

"Go slow...please?" Her eyes opened and suddenly I was sucked into the certainty in her eyes.

She normally hated me to go slow with her.

_"You gave me something...and so it's my turn. Make me feel this...feel you." _She said.

With Brittany...there is always a message beneath her words and now that she was saying those words, I thought back to every time we had ever had sex, how rushed it was...how she was always egging me on to move fast and give her more.

Never less...never slow...never tender.

How had I not seen that before?

* * *

_"Are you sure?" _I asked as I worked my fingers slowly inside of her, watching as her eyes filled with more than lust and shined brightly with love.

_"Too...ugh...too long...it's been about the thrill...not about the love. I want to feel you...please?" _She squeaked out, her blue eyes standing out starkly with the tears that were on the verge of spilling down her cheeks.

_"I love you so much, Brittany." _I said as I continued to move slowly.

She bit her lip and then nodded as the tears spilled down her cheeks.

_"Uh...soooo...mmmm."_ She moaned out as her eyes locked with mine.

_"You're mine." _I whispered as I leaned in and nipped her lip.

_"Y-yours."_

She came hard around my fingers as she leaned forward and bit into my shoulder.

The pain of her teeth scrapping my flesh made me jerk forward and brush her clit.

Her legs shook as another orgasm shook her.

_"Fuck."_ I muttered as her hand came out of nowhere and entered me from behind. I rested my head on her shoulder as I worked my fingers deeper inside of her.

We were moaning together now as her other hand brushed mine.

She was coming down from her own orgasm and taking me from the front and the back now.

My hands fell slack against my sides as I leaned into her and she worked me up to my own orgasm.

_"Mine." _She growled.

_"Yours." _I whispered.

_"Yours." _She said as she kissed my face.

_"Mine." _I said as I looked into her eyes.

And even without me touching her, she came shuddering against my leg that was still between her legs as she brought me to a mind shattering bliss.

It was the closest that I had ever been to heaven.

We had shared control...shared love.

Given of ourselves and taken for ourselves.

And it felt so fucking amazing.

I just wanted to stay like this forever.

* * *

**A/N: I kept going and had to stop myself before this was an endless chapter. I hope you enjoyed! Review if you liked it. On to the next one!**


	44. Chapter 44:Casualty of Love

_**A/N: I know the thing with Puck and Rachel seems kind of random...and well that's because it is. Sometimes life is funny like that...sometimes things that seem so oddball and crazy...just make sense. And with the depiction of both these characters as it pertains to this here cuenta...it just works. So just deal...besides Brittana is more important ;)**_

* * *

_**TRIGGER: Seriously...it's even a bit much for ME! So just tread lightly. Okay? Dr. Cray will get his comeuppance...I promise...any ideas for how I should put him on a spit and roast him...just shoot me a note! :) You were warned! **_

* * *

**Chapter 44: Casualty of Love (Jessie J)**

* * *

**_It was the closest that I had ever been to heaven._**

**_We had shared control...shared love._**

**_Given of ourselves and taken for ourselves._**

**_And it felt so fucking amazing._**

**_I just wanted to stay like this forever._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"If that...is what Quinn and I subjected you to...from the bottom of my heart...I sincerely apologize."_

I couldn't hold back my laughter as I entered the kitchen and Rachel was handing me a coffee mug.

_"Were we loud?"_ Britt asked as she began to pour cereal into two bowls.

Rachel nodded and sipped her coffee.

_"Yes...but I must admit...it was really hot."_ She said before turning towards Britt and watching her with a little too much interest.

She placed a hand on her stomach and I swear that I could actually see the wheels turning in her head.

And all of a sudden I knew what she wanted to ask Britt and I couldn't let it happen.

_"Rachel...why don't you go raid my closet for some clothes and maybe shower...you still smell like booze."_

She shook from her thoughts and looked at me with a twisted up expression. It had been a bit harsh, but right now the last thing that Britt needed was to think about that.

I glared at her until I knew that she got my point.

_"Um...yea...okay. Thank you both, once again for last night."_ She muttered before leaving the kitchen and padding back up the stairs.

* * *

Britt put the bowls on the table and then walked over and took the mug from my hands and put it on the countertop behind me.

She brought my hands to her lips and kissed my fingers before meeting my eyes.

_"What was she about to say before you stopped her?"_

_"Forget about it...I don't want to ruin how great we feel."_

_"Tell me...I'm sure I would rather hear it from you than from her anyway."_

_"It's about...your ummm."_ All this time and I still couldn't say the word to her face.

Her eyes darkened and she rolled the word in her mouth before looking me in the eyes and nodding.

_"About the abortion?" _

_"Uh...yea."_

She nodded and turned from me, heading to the table.

Even though I knew that she would try to let it roll off her back, I could see the tension in her shoulders because no matter how much time went by it would always be a tough thing for us to talk about.

When she got to the table and saw that I wasn't with her she sighed and pointed at the chair across from her.

_"Come eat...I know how much you hate soggy cereal."_

I nodded and didn't argue.

There was no way that I would add to the discomfort that she was now feeling. I had my own battles to fight and I knew that she would rather deal with those.

She watched me the entire time that I ate and even though it should bother me...I knew that she was worried about me.

I knew that she was obsessing about the way I looked.

More than I was.

And I knew more than anything that she really just needed to not think about the abortion for a moment so I would gladly be her distraction, especially if it spared her just an ounce of pain.

* * *

I slurped the milk from my bowl and then placed it down on the table with a thud before looking up and meeting Britt's eyes.

The tension was still making her hunch a bit which even she couldn't make look graceful.

The time to avoid the topic had passed.

Her brow was twisted up and her eyes were wide as she looked at me with a bit of fear in her eyes.

_"Now...be honest..tell me...is she pregnant?"_

I nodded my head and then stood from my chair and grabbed my coffee.

I was totally uncomfortable and was praying that Rachel would hurry her ass up, so that I didn't get stuck in this conversation.

Britt turned in her seat and looked at me with raised eyebrows.

She wasn't done questioning me and I hated it.

_"It's Puck's isn't it?"_

_"Yes."_ I said before taking a long sip from my mug as I rested my sore ass against the counter top, remembering how much I enjoyed her spanking me and how now it was reminding me who was in control here.

My life had been spiraling for too long and I had willingly asked her to take charge so even if this made me way too uncomfortable I wouldn't back down.

_"How serious are they?"_ Britt asked as she began to collect our empty bowls and make her way past me towards the sink.

My skin tingled as she brushed by me.

I was so distracted by the way that I felt that I didn't even notice Rachel standing beside me.

* * *

_"We're married."_ I turned to see Rachel wearing a pair of my skinny jeans and a really cute top.

She looked good in my clothes.

Like she actually had curves.

Britt nodded as if this news didn't surprise her.

_"And you want to get rid of the baby?"_

Britt's voice sounded chipper to the unobservant listener but to me, I could hear the strain there as she talked about this. She was scrubbing her bowl diligently as if it had stuck on crud but it was clean...she was just trying to not break down.

Right now...I hated Rachel so much for bringing this up.

I rested a hand on Britt's arm and leaned in to whisper something comforting but she shook her head and began rinsing the bowls.

_"Don't." _She whimpered and so I pulled back and continued drinking my coffee while watching her closely.

_"I did...until Santana talked me out of it last night. I just can't do that...even I'm not that selfish." _She tried to joke but it fell flat.

Finally Britt met my eyes with relief all over her face before letting out a deep breath and then finally looking at Rachel who was still on the other side of me.

Of all places to stand, why did I choose to stand here. It was awkward standing between them but neither of them noticed as they continued to talk across me.

_"Oh...that's good."_

_"I'm going to talk to Noah about what we are going to do when I get back home...but I'm going to keep it. Broadway isn't going anywhere right?"_

I looked over and saw that Rachel was fighting not to cry.

And just like that, Britt had dried her hands and was holding Rachel in her arms and was whispering against the side of her face.

Even though they were directly in front of me now, I couldn't hear what she was saying to Rachel but I knew that Britt was trying her best to be comforting to her.

And of course...just like the effect Britt always has on people...Rachel pulled away with a small smile on her face as she looked back at me.

_"Thank you for last night."_

I shook my head and placed my empty mug in the sink.

_"Just tell me that you won't be repeating it and that you will be going to a meeting...that's all the thanks I need."_

Rachel placed a tentative hand to her stomach and then looked at me.

_"I definitely learned my lesson and I will be dragging Noah to a meeting with me as soon as I can. I think he needs to see how fragile I am...because apparently my dominance threatens his manhood."_ She said rolling her eyes.

I laughed wondering fleetingly if her wearing my clothes had an effect on her actions as well.

* * *

**Rachel's POV**

* * *

I was anxious.

My life had literally changed overnight.

Everything that I worked for all my life was about to go flushing down the tubes.

I had to face him...and talk to him about this baby.

Our baby.

And if I was honest with myself...it excited me to know that there was life inside of me.

A life that I could help nurture and love.

I thought of Brittany's words and I chill ran through me, followed by an incredible warmth.

How did she manage to ask the one question that I had failed to ask myself?

_"What would Barbra do?"_ I had looked at her and felt my spirit fill with renewed purpose.

I was full of regret and a new drive,

Because she was right.

My actions had been deplorable.

Barbra wouldn't have thrown away a year of sobriety or run crying and screaming from her husband either.

All of my idols were these women of strong conviction and strong character.

Who would have stood their ground and accepted their circumstances with grace.

I had been looking at things wrong and that was going to be rectified...today!

* * *

_"You okay back there?"_ I looked up from the back seat of Brittany's truck and straight into Santana's eyes.

She was analyzing my every expression and it was unnerving.

_"Not really...I'm supremely anxious."_

_"Supremely, huh?"_ She said cocking an eyebrow and grinning.

_"Don't mock me, Santana."_

I could feel the irritation surging through me and couldn't figure if it was the hangover or the pregnancy that had me wanting to climb out my skin and beat her over the head with something hard.

_"Don't look at me like you want to kill me...I just...this is Puck we are talking about. He may be a bastard but he is going to take care of you and that baby Rachel...you know that. You just have to let him be a part of your dreams...him and that baby. It's time for you to create some family dreams." _She smiled as she leaned across the console and kissed the side of Britt's face before looking at me again with a smirk on her face._ "Your life isn't over, Berry...it's just beginning...and it can be as amazing as you allow it to be."_

I felt a rush of confidence as I saw the sincerity in her eyes.

_"You're right."_

_"Of course I'm right...now...stop beating yourself up and come up with a plan on how you're going to break it to Quinn that not only are you married to her baby daddy and having his baby but that you are Beth's stepmother."_

I cringed at the thought.

The last person that I wanted to deal with was my ex when she found out about me stepping in as a yet another mother to her child.

She wasn't going to take it well.

_"Thanks for adding to my worry."_

_"Ok that's enough, Ana. Leave her alone."_ Brittany whispered firmly to Santana.

Never in all the time that I had known her did I see the look in her eyes as she nodded at Brittany and abruptly turned to face the front window without another word.

* * *

We pulled up outside the apartment building and Santana finally turned to face me again.

_"Call me if you need me...okay?"_

I nodded feeling like even after all the bad blood between us, Santana was a true friend and I was glad to have her behind me.

It was like having a powerful politician in your back pocket.

Santana had a hold over not just Quinn and Noah but Celia as well and I knew that if things got bad, she would have my back.

I slid down to the street and slowly made my way towards the door.

As I walked up the narrow stairwell towards the second floor apartment, I took my time to get my story together.

I was putting on my show smile when I unlocked the door and stepped inside.

Noah sat on the sofa, playing his guitar and singing to Beth who was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of him.

His voice was sweet as he sang the last few notes of the song that he chose to name her.

Every time that I had seen him with her in the past I had thought it was cute.

But now as I held a hand to my stomach and thought about the baby that was growing there, I felt a warmth surround me.

Would he be the same way with our child?

Then I saw Santana's face in my head looking sternly at me and smiled to myself.

Of course he would be that way.

Because he is an amazing father.

* * *

I closed the door quietly and saw him lift up his head just enough to meet my eyes before looking back down at his daughter.

He cleared his throat and then reached forward and held his hand out to her.

Beth stood to her feet and walked slowly to her father and looked up into his eyes.

He smiled at her and wrapped her into a tight hug before placing her back on the floor.

_"I want you to go to your mom's room and tell her that I need you to stay with her for a while."_

_"Okay Daddy."_ She said happily and then cheerfully ran past me and towards Quinn's room.

_"Beth? Did you say hello to Rachel?" _He called out.

She stopped short and then turned and walked back towards me.

_"Hi Rachel."_ She said before turning back around and opening Quinn's door.

_"Hi Beth."_ I whispered to her back as she closed the door behind her.

When I turned to look at my husband he smirked at me.

_"Do you want to go somewhere?"_ He asked as he placed his guitar on its stand and then came to rest his hands on my waist.

_"Like where?"_ I asked, my voice sounding hushed and so unlike me.

_"I guess it doesn't matter...because no matter what you are going to break up with me...am I right?"_ he sighed out.

I bit down on my bottom lip and then raised my hand to his cheek and looked up into his eyes.

_"That's not what this is."_ I said feeling a little more confident.

_"It shouldn't have happened. I got dumb...she meant nothing, even if we agreed to this open marriage thing...I crossed the line. I was dr-"_ I pressed my finger to his lips and shook my head.

_"Stop...I get it. You were pissed about me calling you a Lima loser...your pride was hurt by me saying that I was supporting you when I know for a fact, that it isn't true, we did agree to the open marriage thing...and it's been fine for months...until now. I'm not saying that it was right to bring her back here...but I understand why you did it."_

He looked at me slack-jawed for a second before closing up his mouth and looking at me long and hard before sitting back on the couch and pulling me down with him.

I slid onto the couch and rested my head on his chest as he wrapped his arm around me.

_"It was still wrong...and I'm sorry, Rachel. You deserve better and to be honest this open marriage thing isn't working for me...she was the first person I have been with since we made that agreement...and I regret it more than anything. I'll do whatever you need me to do to prove that I can be faithful to just you if you are ready to be faithful to just me."_

_"To be honest...no woman compares to Quinn...she was that girl for me...and now that she and I are over for good...and you and I are something...pretty awesome, I must admit even if it was just built off that one crazy night. We got pregnant...we got married and even when I lost the baby and we decided to not get divorced...we have been going at this marriage for a few months and I fell for you along the way Noah...and every time I see you with Beth...I fall even harder. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for you and it turned into love...I love you. I don't want you to beat yourself up over last night." _

_"I feel like shit."_

He felt like scum and I knew that I couldn't let him feel like he was alone in that feeling, so I pulled away and looked up into his eyes. I tried to memorize the love and regret on his face before I blurted out my transgressions.

_"I got really drunk last night, Noah...I ended up barefoot and half-naked in Harlem somewhere with some kids from school. They ended up ditching me and so I called Santana and she picked me up and let me crash at her house for the night."_

I watched his face get red and felt his body tense as he looked at me with cold eyes.

_"So you broke your sobriety? Just like that?"_

_"No...not just like that...I was at the end of my rope last night...I had just found out...shit...I came home and then saw you with that slut after we agreed that you don't bring them home...and that's still what you did and I just lost it."_

Screw anyone who thinks that Noah Puckerman is slow, because he is anything but.

_"What did you find out?"_

I sucked in a breath and then ran my hands over his jean clad leg.

Usually that calmed him but he brought his hand down and held my hands still.

_"I..." _

_"Tell me without the dramatic declarations."_

_"I'm pregnant." _I whispered, looking away from him.

_"And so you went out and got drunk?" _His voice was calm...way too calm.

I looked up at him and sat in shock as I saw the tears in his eyes as he looked through me.

_"I'm so sorry, Noah."_

He covered his eyes with his hand and took a deep breath.

_"Son and husband of alcoholics." _He muttered before hanging his head.

It was the first time that he compared me to his father.

Someone who had let him down countless times with his drinking.

I didn't want to be that...I didn't want him to wonder now that if we fought, would I end up staring at the bottom of a shot glass.

I couldn't be a failure...especially in his eyes.

* * *

_"Never again, Noah. I promise you...I'm going to be so healthy during this pregnancy and I'm never going to even look at alcohol again."_

_"I want to believe that, Rachel...but...I know better. My dad, Santana...and now you...all addicts...all telling me what I want to hear...all breaking their word."_

My heart sank.

_"Please don't leave me, Noah."_

_"Oh I'm not...that's my baby and I'm going to make sure that it's taken good care of."_

_"And what about us?"_

_"I don't know...I'm not sure if this marriage has been the best thing for either of us. I don't want to hold you back anymore than I am with you having to carry my baby around."_

_"I don't care about any of that...my dreams of Broadway aren't going anywhere. I just have new dreams to add to that one. Right now though, the most important thing is that...I need to put my energy into this marriage and into this baby."_

_"How do I know that you really mean that?" _

There wasn't even a hint of malice in his voice as he looked at me with honest and open eyes.

_"Because...never...have I lied to you. My word is all I have and I give it to you, as my husband...as the man I love that you and I are going to make this work."_

_"I don't want to just want to make this work. I had to push aside all the stupid shit that I did back in high school because I have a little girl that's already here, she depends on me and if you want to be in my life then she will need you too...to be stable and a good influence. Quinn slapped that bit of knowledge in my head when she found me hung over this morning and now I'm passing it on to you."_

_"I get that...and I promise that I'm committed to this...to you...to us." _I said as I brought his hand to my stomach just to drive the point home._ "I'm here to stay...sober and kosher." _

I winked at him and he actually smiled.

He wrapped his arms around me and brought me tighter against him.

_"Blind faith...right?"_

_"Just like Rabbi Joseph said...marriages work with honesty and blind faith...this must be that part." _I whispered as I ran my hand over his hands and leaned my head on his shoulder.

_"It's not going to be easy...but I think we can do this...you and I are like super Jews right?"_

_"Hmmm. Right." _I said as I felt my eyes drifting closed.

_"I love you, Rachel."_

_"I love you too, Noah."_

In his arms I felt like I was finally home.

Like there was no other place that I wanted to be more.

And before now that had been something only music could do for me.

But I was making room for him and this baby now...and I was actually alright with it because now I understood that my life wasn't ending.

Santana was right.

I knew that Noah would never hold me back from my dreams.

In fact...I knew that with him by my side...I would still be able to see my name in bright lights and have companionship.

He would always be there.

Because just like Santana...he was loyal.

Even if I wasn't sure that our marriage would be forever,

Just seeing his commitment to Beth and even Quinn, had shown me that he would always be there for me.

I would not be Shelby.

Sacrificing family for attempts at fame.

I could have both...just like Barbra.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

My body ached as I laid across the couch in my dressing room.

I just wanted to sleep for like a decade but I couldn't.

Today was Gloria's birthday and I wanted to take her out and show her a great night.

Ever since my mom died, she has been by my side when I have broken down and when I pushed her away...she was still there when I ready to be touched again.

Gloria had shown me what real love was and now that I had the opportunity and the money, I wanted to show her just how much I appreciated her.

If only I could manage to peel myself from the comfortable surface beneath me.

My phone buzzed and then buzzed again and was about to buzz a third time when I finally manage to press it against my ear.

_"'Lo?"_ I mumbled.

_"Ari? Are you passed out on the couch again?"_ I heard Britt's cheerful voice and felt even more exhaustion cover me.

Just the thought of her made me think of all the dance moves that I had screwed up today and how I was certain that Tony had called her.

_"Yea." _

_"Tony called."_

_"Mmm."_ I grunted.

_"You're over working yourself."_

_"I'm not."_

_"You are...and the last thing we need is your body giving in and you getting sick again. So as of today...you are off for the next two weeks. This is what understudies are for." _

I felt panic rush through me as I shot up to my feet.

_"But Britt-"_

She cut me off and I let out a huff, feeling frustrated.

_"Ari you are my most valuable dancer...and I need you to be in top form. You can't be that if you are falling apart. It's bad enough that you have been working yourself to the bone. So pack up your dressing room and go home. I already told Frank, August and Tony to not let you back in until I get back and the two weeks are over."_

_"Fine."_ I muttered. _"I'll go." _

_"Good! You'll thank me later even though I know you are pissed with me right now. Ana says hi."_

And just like that the phone call was over and I was trying to quell the urge to throw my phone across the room.

Without dancing...fuck...it was the only thing that had been able to distract me from my grief.

I didn't want to go back to that dark place.

The last thing I needed was alone time with my thoughts.

But I had no choice.

* * *

**_Busy?-Ari_**

**_Um...going on lunch in ten.-Gloria_**

**_Meet me in Central Park?-Ari_**

**_Now?-Gloria_**

**_I'll meet you near our hot dog cart ;)-Ari_**

**_See ya there! xoxo-Gloria_**

I did a visual sweep of my dressing room, stuffing things in my favorite black and purple polka dot backpack until I was satisfied that there was nothing else that I could possibly want from in there for the next two weeks.

Gloria was working as a legal assistant downtown and could make it to our favorite hot dog cart in about five minutes and I wanted to beat her there so I needed to hustle.

With one last glance, I shoved my phone into the pocket of my jeans and then locked my door before heading to the stairs.

I was avoiding Grady like the plague since we had a really awkward conversation about him dating my understudy.

It was just a strange thing to see him happily pursing Katie when I knew for a fact that even though they were long over, Britt was still nearby and it would bother the shit out of her that he was mixing work and pleasure yet again.

I didn't want anything to do with it...but I felt like he was making it my business.

So of course, as I was exiting the stairwell and stepping out into the busy Broadway street, who do I run into?

Grady.

_"Ariana...where are you headed?"_ He sidled up beside me and began to match my steps even though I was trying to walk fast, his legs were longer.

_"To meet Gloria." _

_"Mind if I walk with you?"_

I sucked in a breath and then another but it didn't do anything to calm how I was feeling.

_"Yes...actually...I do."_ I said abruptly stopping and looking at him. _"So get on with it...what do you want?" _

He didn't even look fazed by my attitude.

How pompous!

_"About Katie...I know you are friends with Britt and Santana and I really shouldn't have put you on the spot like that. I just wanted to apologize."_ He said avoiding my eyes and looking off somewhere behind me.

People were walking by and kept staring at me...it was really irritating until I realized that they were looking behind me as well and pointing.

I turned my head and was met with my own face.

My body contorted in a complex move, head tilted sideways parallel to the ground, leg wrapped around Tucker's neck as he supported my spine.

Everything about the picture is graceful and if I wasn't the lead in the show...just the picture alone would make me want to see it.

This was the first time that I was being recognized and it was being ruined by Grady.

He looked down at me and then shrugged.

_"I'm sorry...and if..."_ He trailed off and even though his skin was the color of cocoa...I could see him blushing.

_"What...come on...I really do need to hurry up."_ I said trying to urge him to hurry the fuck up.

_"If you can not bring it up to Brittany...I would really appreciate it."_ He finally said as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

And just when I'm about to answer, the heavens open up and rain comes pouring down.

_"You have got to be fucking kidding me!"_ I yelled at the sky before turning from Grady and storming down Broadway hoping to get as far away from him as I could.

This day was not turning up in my favor and it was really pissing me off.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"I don't want to do this without you...come with me?"_

I felt so raw, so open and I hated it.

I hated the possibility of being rejected by those cool blue eyes that always see straight through to my soul.

But after what we had shared...I shouldn't have been so worried.

_"Are you sure that you want me in there with you?"_

I nodded feeling relief wash over me.

_"I'm positive."_

I felt so safe and secure as she linked her pinky in mine and pulled me towards the office door.

_"Then let's do this."_

She smiled as she pushed the door open and waited for me to step inside the room first.

My nerves were rising as I stepped into my therapist's office for the first time since the incident with that creeper.

I knew that there was a ton to talk about and it made me nervous knowing that the times when I had my therapist convinced that I wasn't holding back, were going to be non-existent with Britt in the room...but that's why I wanted her here.

I needed to be forced to live outside of my comfort zone.

Because I was teetering on the precipice of so many different contradicting needs and wants and unhealthy desires.

I needed to suck up my shit and start getting real with people.

Starting with Brittany.

* * *

_"Lets do something different today since you want to work on opening up to Brittany...is that alright, Santana?"_

I swallowed back a sip from my scalding hot cup of coffee and then looked over at Britt.

She looked really nervous as she sat in the chair next to me, biting her lip and wringing her hands.

This was not the person that had me bent over the bed and was fucking me with reckless abandon just a few short hours ago, this was slushie drinking, unicorn loving, tiny dancer...a Brittany who was looking at me with so much innocence and love.

It made me feel like I wanted climb inside of myself and hide all the darkness that I had brought into our lives.

Into our 'marriage' and even into our relationship with our children.

My darkness had touched every inch of our lives and looking at this amazing woman beside of me...knowing what we had been through...filled me with such bitterness and nausea.

And then...just like Brittany...and her timing, she quirked her head to the side, looked in my eyes and smiled just as bright as the sun.

Even now in this moment...she was comforting me.

I saw her hands move and watched as she held them out to me.

She didn't have to tell me what the gesture meant.

Because I knew.

She was asking for me to give her the control over my fear.

She was asking me to trust her to know my limits.

So I smiled at her and nodded and then mouthed, _"It's yours." _

Britt's face lit up and she sat up straighter, looking even more radiant than before.

My therapist was looking at me still, waiting for me to respond to her.

_"That sounds great Amy...just tell us what to do and we are prepared to do it."_ I said as I drank back the remainder of the coffee and then reached blindly for the coffee pot in front of me, for more.

_"Slow down."_ I heard Britt say as I was pouring the hot liquid into my cup.

I looked up over her and then back at my cup and then back at her.

She cocked her eyebrow and I smiled as I put the pot back in its holder before sitting back and raising the cup up a little.

_"Last one...promise?"_ I whispered before blowing some of the steam away.

She nodded and then we turned towards Amy the therapist waiting for her direction.

* * *

I noticed how she was scribbling furiously while watching me interact with Britt and hoped that it was a good thing.

She put down her pen and cleared her throat and I fought the urge to cringe.

God why did I hate that sound so much.

Knowing my line of thought Britt shifted in her seat and let out a small hum.

Immediately I was back to focusing on my therapist and ignoring my annoyance.

I expected Amy to turn to me...but she didn't.

Instead she looked over at Britt and smiled.

_"Brittany...is there anything that you have wanted to know...about Santana's past that you were too afraid to ask about fearing her reaction?"_

My stomach dropped.

There were countless things that I purposely had been vague about from my past.

It was the past for a reason, after all.

There was too much darkness there.

None of which, I wanted to dredge up.

But I knew that this needed to happen.

* * *

I looked over at Britt and she licked at her lips before slowly nodding her head.

_"Yes...there are a lot of things actually...but there is one thing that I just haven't...I guess I didn't want to bring it up."_ She said quietly.

Amy looked at me and I avoided her glance, instead choosing to drink down the bitter contents of my cup.

But there was no running away today...I knew that.

_"Santana?"_ I raised my eyebrow but I still didn't look at either of the women in the room.

_"Yea?"_ I said to my cup.

_"This is still your session...so if you want to not go down this route...this is the time to say so."_

I raised my eyes and met Amy's as I felt blue eyes burning into the side of my face.

Britt was urging me to not be afraid...to let her hold my fears.

And I had promised myself that I wouldn't hold back so I swallowed back my hesitance and nodded.

_"I don't want the choice to say no Amy."_ I smiled and then I looked over and met Britt's eyes. She was searching my face but I knew that I had a mask up...while I still could maintain one. She was smiling nervously, waiting for me to give permission for her to ask me whatever traumatizing thing she wanted and just like always, I knew that I would do anything for Brittany. Even this._"Ask me, Britt Britt...ask me anything."_

I put on my most guarded smile and hoped that I could make it through this.

She gave me a brief nod and then licked her lips once more.

_"I want to know about...the night...at the cabin...between you and Marco and about everything after up until you met me. Please?"_

I felt like she had kicked me square in the chest.

I sucked in a shaky breath and then did something that I had been doing since my first session.

I took my chair and turned it completely towards Britt and then twirled my finger until she did the same thing.

Britt tried to smile at me as I faced her but I could tell that she just wanted to hold me, it was evident by the twitch in her fingers.

I crossed my legs and rested my hands on my knee...trying to remain composed.

_"Are you sure that you want to hear this?"_

Britt nodded and then tried to reach across to grasp my hand, finally unable to resist comforting me.

But I shook my head and gripped my knee tighter.

_"No, B...I need to stay grounded and I can't...if you are touching me...okay? Let me know when you're ready."_

I could see the hurt flit across her face but she nodded and swallowed back her sadness.

She should of expected that I would still be a little guarded.

Anything to do with that night...the loss of my innocence, immediately evoked a fortress.

I needed it and she wasn't going to tear it down.

She knew better.

Be careful what you ask for, I thought as I looked in her eyes.

And from the look on her face, it was like she could read my mind because she nodded and then folded her hands and smiled.

_"Okay...I'm ready."_ She said and with her smile, I swallowed my anxiety and began to tell her about the death of my childhood.

* * *

**Rachel's POV**

* * *

_"So you two aren't just messing around? This is a serious thing?"_

I sat across from Quinn at the kitchen table as she bounced Beth in her lap.

Noah was cooking us lunch while Quinn waited for Celia to come and spend time with her and Beth.

We had decided that it was time to let Quinn in on what had been going on while she had been away in Minnesota.

Noah looked over at me and nodded his head before turning back to the stove and humming some rock song.

_"When we broke up...I acted tough and sure I agreed to the break up but that was because I knew that you weren't in love with me anymore. I respected that and wasn't going to hold you back from your true love. Celia is perfect for you and I'm glad that you're happy."_ I said as I met her hazel eyes.

_"Yea...I get that...thanks and all...but that doesn't explain how the two of you ended up shacking up and I know this started way back before Christmas... before I left New York...before you slapped me. So please spare me the pleasantries and just tell me how it happened...please?"_

If I didn't know any better, I would think that the thought of us really hurt her feelings.

Like a part of her was jealous of us.

But I wiped that thought away when I saw her arch her perfect eyebrow and roll her eyes.

She saw my questions on my face and shook her head.

She was denying it.

Which seemed ridiculous to me because her actions spoke volumes.

_"I was preparing for a huge performance in front of Madam Tibideaux and I realized that I left my sheet music here. Noah was here and you were out with Beth and Celia. I asked if he wanted to come see me perform because I was feeling lonely. He came...then after that we had this whole perfect afternoon, hot chocolate in Central Park, watching tourists in Times Square get lost and even some shopping at a music shop...it was great. He offered to cook for me...I was shocked he even knew what a stove was and he surprised me with a full kosher meal...and then we had se-" _Quinn glared at me and then I remembered that Beth could understand me and changed my language. _"We uh...spent the night together playing games...then I found out that I was...you know...with child...and we got married."_

_"Wait...married?" _Quinn said in shock.

_"Yes."_ I nodded and she took a deep breath before meeting my eyes again_. _

_"Why marriage?"_

_"It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. We were happy about it...having our own family...and then we went on the cruise for the honeymoon and I lost...the baby. We were heart broken...but managed to push through it. Then we got back on land and tried to stay brave. I distracted myself by focusing on helping Ari and Gloria and he hung out with Finn who was in town for the show...more time went by, school started back up and we drifted apart. You were in Minnesota so he threw himself into taking care of Beth and I focused on school. Our relationship was an open one...but I stuck to women and so did he. Then yesterday happened."_

I was about to go into detail but then Noah stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.

_"Beth?"_ He said as he looked over at his little girl.

_"Yes Daddy?"_

_"Why don't you go play in your room sweetheart? I'll call you when lunch is ready...alright?"_

Beth jumped down from Quinn's lap and went running to the pink door of her bedroom and shutting the door.

She had to be the smartest almost four-year old that I had ever met.

Quinn ran her hands over her face before looking up at Noah.

_"Thank you." _She said before meeting my eyes again._ "So now...you two are not doing the open thing anymore?"_

_"I'm pregnant again." _I said matter of factly.

Quinn's eyes widened as she looked between me and Noah.

_"Don't believe in condoms?"_ She asked as she started directly at him.

His grip tightened on my shoulder and I could tell that he was practising his best restraint, because up until now...they had been getting along really well and I didn't want to be the cause of that tension.

_"Look Quinn...it's not important how it happened...but it did and after getting pretty trashed last night...making mistakes...we discussed things. We are going to work on being exclusive to one another and if that doesn't work...we are going to at least work on building a relationship like the two of you have...where you do everything with Beth in mind."_

Quinn was looking at me hard now.

She was examining me and from the looks of it...she didn't like what she saw.

* * *

_"Did you drink, Rachel?"_ She asked as she looked at the dark bags under my eyes and the shake to my hands.

I dropped my head and sucked in a shaky breath.

_"Yes."_

_"After all this time...why didn't you find me...or go to a meeting? I was at Celia's you could have come there."_

I shook my head before meeting her eyes which made me feel even worse because they were filled to the brim with tears.

_"It was a big mistake and trust me Santana has already set me straight."_

_"Wait...you brought San into all of this? Knowing that I purposely took the kids from her so that she could spend time with Britt?" _Her voice was raising and I could see a vein standing out on her forehead.

_"I forgot plus I couldn't go into detail about all of this...not with you AND Celia."_

_"So you fucking got drunk!" _She was on her feet now, staring daggers at me from across the table.

I nodded and felt the tears soaking my face as my shoulders began to shake.

She was disappointed in me and it hurt more than my own disappointment.

Because she was my best friend and my first love.

Her approval had always been something that I had needed since the day I met her.

And now, with the way she was looking at me, I broke apart.

_"You need to chill Quinn."_ Noah growled breaking into the conversation.

She stood their over table and looked him in the eyes.

She slammed her hand down on the table and I cried out as I jumped back in my seat.

Noah put his hands on my shoulders and was softly rubbing circles, trying to calm me down as he dealt with Quinn.

_"Fuck you, Puckerman." _

_"Our daughter can hear you...calm down."_

_"I'll do better than that, Noah...I think it's time I moved out and let you two live in your domesticated bliss. You and I need to come up with a custody arrangement so that Beth doesn't suffer because of this. In fact...now that I'm back...I can take her, her school is closer to Celia's house anyway and with you starting school fulltime...it might just be better. Love who you want...but I can't...I just can't deal with both of you together...while I'm down the hall. It's just...two much for me and I don't think that it's good for Beth. She's been through enough!"_

Noah stood there in shock as he looked at Quinn with a clenched jaw.

I knew that this arrangement had been something that he fought really hard for and this set up worked for both of them up until now.

Knowing that Quinn was probably going to live in Brooklyn just meant that Beth would be hopping from parent to parent just like he had as a child.

He looked heartbroken as he reached for his jacket.

_"You know what, Quinn...why don't you feed Beth...I just need some air."_

And just like that he was dropping a kiss on the top of my head before storming out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Quinn calmly walked to the stove and began slamming things.

I felt so stuck...this was all my fault and there was nothing that I could do to fix it.

Was this my life now?

This was definitely not how I had imagined it turning out.

* * *

_"Are you happy with him?"_ Quinn whispered.

Quinn and I stood hip to hip washing the dishes from lunch while Celia and Noah sat on the couch with Beth and watched a movie.

Things had gone on just like normal once Celia turned up and Noah came back smelling like cigarettes.

They barely spoke to each other as we broke bread together.

Now though, Quinn was coming down from her anger and trying to be rational.

_"Don't I seem happy?"_ I asked dodging the initial question because I didn't want to argue.

Quinn sighed and placed her hand on my arm.

_"I don't want fight anymore...It's just...I dated both of you...and I can see just by the way that he stood by you earlier, that he really does love you and I don't doubt that you love him, I can see it in your eyes...it's weird to me that this is how it ended up but I can't deny that it seems real. I was an ass and I just want to know...that you're happy. Like seriously happy...and not settling for this because you're pregnant...like I did."_

_"I'm not settling."_

_"And you're not giving up on your dreams, right?"_

I looked up into her eyes and could see the concern there.

Gone was the angry head Cheerio.

Gone was the first girl that I was head over heels for.

This was just her being my best friend.

She was being the friend that I had tried to be when she was pregnant with Beth.

And I appreciated it more than anything.

_"I promise you, Quinn...that I will not give up my dreams. I am truly happy with Noah...I love him, like really love him, not Finn Hudson infatuated...but like really love him and I'm not settling...I swear to you. It is real."_

_"Okay."_

_"Okay?"_

She turned back to drying dishes and nodded with that signature smirk of hers.

_"Then you have my blessing."_

And even though I hadn't come right out and asked for it in all of this.

Quinn being okay with this...was really important to me.

And she knew it.

Just like she always did.

She wasn't using that against me...for once.

Instead she was letting me know that she still loved me and that she was okay with what I was doing.

And just like that...a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders and I found myself actually excited about what was to come because I knew that I would still have Quinn in my corner.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"I remember that it was just getting cold out and that it was Halloween. My parents were out-of-town and normally...I would of had to report in to Abuela about my whereabouts during their out of town time but Marco was home for the reading of his fathers will and so I was left in his care."_

My lip quivered as I met Britt's eyes. I had been avoiding this story for so long partially because it took place on her birthday which was something that I had always tried to keep from her but now it was out there and I could see in her eyes just how much it hurt her.

_"Is that why you always prefer to just stay in and cuddle on my birthdays?"_

I smiled and nodded.

_"Its selfish and I'm sorry. I guess I just never felt safe on that day. I should have told you." _I shrugged and then let out a heavy sigh.

_"It's okay...we can still cuddle." _She winked and it made me feel just a little lighter.

I had to keep going or I was going to chicken out.

_"So he had just gotten the keys to this cabin. He kept talking about how great it was and how it was right on the water. I was thirteen and aside from family vacations to Puerto Rico...I had never left Lima. I remember having a huge crush on Marco...just because of the things he could do for me. I had given up on getting anywhere with Ari...and so I set my eyes on him. When he was around I had the freedom to do my own thing and not have to worry about the consequences. He was like a big brother at that point. I trusted him. So when he offered to take me to see the cabin...I jumped at the chance, not thinking anything of it...like I said...I trusted him."_

_"Of course you did...who wouldn't."_ She muttered trying to keep a brave face for me.

_"Yea...well we got to the cabin. We made s'mores in the microwave. We skipped rocks on the lake and then watched a movie. When it was time to go...suddenly he was forcing himself on me and I was panicking...he was like my brother...he was supposed to protect me, not hurt me. I don't really remember much about that moment except that it stung worse than anything that I had ever experienced in my life and that when he came inside of me, I felt it, I still remember that feeling. He had forced my body to enjoy it by making sure I came with him and then he yanked himself from me and I remember feeling so empty and alone...so used. And when he saw that I hadn't even tried fight him off he cackled...thinking that I enjoyed it. After that...I was his bitch...he did whatever he wanted...whenever he wanted and I never really fought him. I was a coward."_

I closed my eyes and thought of that night.

The blood stained sofa cushion, my torn clothes and the soft way that he treated me afterwards.

Bathing me and holding me all night.

It was the last time that he would be so gentle with me until we were in New York together.

I covered my face and leaned forward until my forehead was resting on my knees.

I was finding it hard to breathe.

_"Do you want to stop?" _

Britt's voice broke through and even though there was more story to tell, she had recognized that I was well past my limits, any more and I was surely going to escape into the night and find a way to numb all this pain.

I looked up at her and felt grateful for her putting a stop to this.

_"Please?" _I begged.

_"Okay...is that alright Amy?"_ She asked my therapist.

When I looked at Amy I could see the sorrow in her eyes as she looked at me.

This was as far as I had ever gotten emotionally, in front of her and she was in awe.

But there was no pity which I was seriously grateful for.

_"We can continue tomorrow morning when you come back in...in the meantime...I really think that you should fill that prescription, Santana. To take the edge off."_

A chill went through me at the sound of those words.

Words that were eerily similar to Dr. Cray trying to shoot me up the other day.

I shook my head and looked over at Britt.

_"I can't...deal with that right now."_

_"We'll talk about it." _Britt said as she stood to her feet and held her hand out._ "Right now though...how about lunch?"_

I didn't look at Amy anymore...I could barely look at Britt.

My mind was all over the place and I just needed to get out of there.

* * *

I nodded and allowed Britt to lead me from the office, the building and straight into the car before I broke down into tears and began to sob uncontrollably.

_"It's okay, Ana...just let it out baby...let it all out. It wasn't your fault." _

I shook my head wishing that I could believe Britt but all that I was hearing, was the way my mother had blamed me all those years ago. Her voice was ringing through my head and knowing that I had to go see her after this, was not something that I was looking forward to.

Because I was rational enough to know that it wasn't my fault but as a child...finding out that they are pregnant after being violated by someone so close to them...the last thing that they need to hear is that it is their fault.

Parents forget how much their children hang on their every word,

How a fleeting emotion can sit inside that child and fester until it is something so overpowering that it renders them incapable of telling their mind and heart the truth and trusting it.

No matter what...somewhere deep inside of them, it will always feel like its their fault.

So when Britt, started driving and I noticed the direction that she was headed I began to cry even harder.

_"I can't...Britt...please?"_ I begged.

_"I know you don't want to see her...but the kids are there."_

_"I can't, Brittany...please, I'm fucking begging you. Not right now...please?"_

_"The apartment? How about we go there?"_

I nodded and wrapped my arms around myself as I felt the tremors begin to roll through me.

* * *

My skin began to itch and burn and my throat was drying up.

I wanted to get high.

Really, fucking high.

And so I broke.

_"I'll take them."_ I whispered as we pulled into the parking garage.

Britt had been trying to soothe me with humming so I thought that she hadn't heard me but once we were parked and she was unbuckling me, she leaned against my face and kissed me.

_"Then we will get them...but right now...I'm going to take you upstairs and put you in bed. Okay?"_

I nodded and then looked at her eyes.

They reflected calm, even with me breaking apart, yet again.

_"Don't leave me alone, Britt...no matter what, don't leave me." _I said with so much conviction that the air around us seemed to spark.

_"I promise...you will not be alone for a second."_

Normally that would be a horrible prospect but right now...it was the best thing in the world.

It was me trying to gain some control over my addiction because broke or not...there was always a way to pay for drugs and I would NOT go there again.

_"Thank you."_

* * *

**_I was sitting in Marco's bedroom...in our apartment in TriBeCa, missing Brittany and Quinn like I had never missed anyone in my life. My body was aching and I had dried fluids all over me. It was late and I was sober for the first time in a while. Marco and I had just dumped a body earlier and then he had dropped me off with Dr. Cray. It had been such a strange night, because he had actually allowed me to keep my clothes on at first. We sat in his living room, drinking scotch and he was asking me about my aspirations. _**

**_"So you want to be a lawyer."_**

**_"Yes."_**

**_"And what do you want to practice?"_**

**_"Public Interest or Human Rights." _**

**_"That's rather ironic seeing as you are a prostitute."_**

**_"I'm not a prostitute." I growled. _**

**_"Escort...prostitute...either way you are selling yourself. You are just more expensive than your common whore."_**

**_"Fuck you." _**

**_"Oh I plan on it...I was being nice to you, Santana...but you want to debase yourself rather than be an intellectual...so shirt off...kneel here." _**

**_For the next hour, he explained to me in detail all the reasons that I would not make a good attorney while making sure that I groveled and begged for his approval and punishment. At one point, I was laying prostrate on the floor with him slicing into the back of my neck and shoulders and then instead of giving me the release of the cocaine...he just decided to pee on me. I held my breath as the fluid dribbled down my back. I wouldn't cry...I couldn't stand the stench of him but I couldn't break. I just prayed that he would decide that this was enough or at least let me be high but tonight, he was trying to distract me from that girl I killed and he was going to do everything that he could to reach his goal. _**

**_"Tell me again why you need to be punished." He growled as he gripped my urine drenched hair and rammed inside of me. _**

**_"Because I am a whore trying to live above my station." I cried out. _**

**_"And?"_**

**_"I'm a junkie."_**

**_"And?"_**

**_"I-I don't know."_**

**_"What's wrong...can't think straight while you're sober?"_**

**_"Ahhhh!" I screamed out as I felt my hair being ripped out at the root. _**

**_"I bet you sucked off your teachers to get that perfect gpa...didn't you."_**

**_"No." I whimpered. _**

**_"No? What did I say about that word? Hmm?" _**

**_I gritted my teeth together as he made another small cut on my neck. _**

**_"Tell me the truth now. Did. you. suck. off. your. teachers?"_**

**_"Yes!" I cried out just so he would stop. _**

**_"Good girl!" He said finally pulling out of me and releasing my hair. _**

**_I collapsed fully onto the floor in a heap, sobbing against the hard tile. _**

**_I was sobbing when Marco came into the bedroom with the first aid kit. When he picked me up that night after I had been used and abused, I could see the regret on his face but then Dr. Cray handed him fifteen thousand dollars and the regret turned to lust. Now though, as I sat on the bed, naked on top of newspaper, covered in filth...I could see the regret come back. He put the first aid kit down and then picked up the mirror from the side table. More than anything he knew that I needed to not be a part of this anymore...I needed to be numb and he was going to take care of it. I watched with extreme fascination as he separated the lines and then handed me the straw. _**

**_"It's all yours...as much as you want...tonight...I make up for letting him go too far. Maybe tomorrow after he makes his drop off...we can stop seeing him anymore...because this is too much."_**

**_I nodded hoping that he wasn't lying to me. _**

**_"Please?" I begged. _**

**_"Okay...I'll talk to him."_**

**_"Thank you, Marco." I whispered before leaning forward and biting down on my lips. I pinched the bridge of my nose and then sucked in the first two lines as quickly as I could. The burn of my sinuses was nothing compared to the ache in my bones, the room got sharper and I was floating but the pain was still there. I looked at Marco and he just nodded and continued to hold the mirror in front of me. I smiled at him and then sucked up more of it until all of the lines were gone. My mouth was stuck open and felt dry as my eyes rolled back and I felt the racing of my heart. Nothing would ever compare to the high that I was feeling. The pain was nothing but a memory now as Marco moved me into the shower and tended to my cuts. He had remained sober as he washed my body over and over again. I was watching from above us, as he looked at me with sad eyes. I couldn't help the laughter tearing from me, as I watched him worry over me. This had been his fault. _**

**_"I'm sorry Santana." He said as he pressed on my shoulders until I was kneeling in front of him. It had been so that he could wash my hair better but I was programmed and ended up unzipping his pants and stroking him to fullness. "Don't do that." He slapped my face but I couldn't feel it as I swallowed him down. He stopped protesting as he gripped my hair tightly. _**

**_I wanted him to use me. _**

**_I wanted him to see the whore that he had created. _**

**_And that night as he rammed into me and I screamed out...he forgot all about my pains and remembered that I was nothing but his toy._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Why is she screaming?" _Quinn said as she came back with the prescription.

I was standing on the side of the bed trying to strip the soaked sheets from under Ana as she cried and screamed in her sleep.

_"I'm afraid to wake her...she...I asked her to tell me about the night of the rape while we were in therapy and now she's like this."_

_"Shit...you could of asked me, B. Her therapist just allowed you to ask her that?"_

_"I was stupid." _I said as I finally was able to tug the sheet.

Ana had been sweating a lot and now she was throwing up her four cups of coffee all over herself as I tossed the sheet to the floor.

_"You have to wake her up."_ Quinn said as she dropped the shopping bags to the floor and came rushing over.

_"I'm afraid to." _I said honestly as I used the sheet to soak up the stomach acid and coffee that she was still choking up.

_"Then move!" _

I stepped back as I watched Quinn take charge and sit Ana up. She seemed to ignore the dark liquid leaking from Ana's mouth as she leaned in and kissed her forehead. _"San...wake up...come back to us...San come on...they can't hurt you. Wake up."_ She was saying firmly.

At the sound of Quinn's voice, Ana went limp and her scrunched up face evened out.

Quinn laid her back down and turned her so that her face was hanging over the side of the bed.

Why hadn't I thought of that?

Right...I was too busy feeling guilty.

* * *

_"Britt...I need you to go fill up the tub and stop feeling guilty...she needs you to be strong right now." _Quinn said in a rush as she rubbed Ana's back so that everything could come up.

I sucked up all that guilt, just like Ana would want and moved at a fast pace, filling up the bath tub.

When I got back to the bedroom, Quinn had her standing and fully awake.

She was standing there in soaked clothes with Quinn holding her up.

_"B?"_ Ana said as she looked past Quinn.

_"You okay?"_

_"No."_ She said shaking her head. _"I-I need a shower. I stink."_ She said trying to smile._ "Come help me?"_ She said as she pushed past Quinn and began to shuffle towards the open bathroom.

I looked over at Quinn and she waved me on.

_"You can't take it back, B...just make sure that she's okay...and don't leave her alone for a second."_

I nodded, thankful for the direction she was giving since I was feeling so overwhelmed.

It was like I had set things in motion that I really shouldn't have.

And seeing Ana a few seconds later smiling at me shyly from inside the bubble bath didn't make it any better.

* * *

_"And that was really the worst thing that happened with Dr. Cray."_ She said quietly as she finished telling me about the dream...or flashback that she had just had while she was asleep.

_"That was terrible...how come I never noticed the cuts?"_

She looked at me and then took a deep breath and dunked her head under the water before popping right back up.

I watched quietly from my knelt position beside the tub as she turned around and lifted her hair.

_"Marco took really good care of them with ointments and stuff. These are the only ones left and you never noticed them because they are so small...they are way more noticable when they are wet."_

And there just as plain as can be, were small lines just at the edge of her hairline.

I reached forward and touched them and she flinched.

_"Did I hurt you?"_ I said as I pulled my hand back.

_"No...you just surprised me."_ She whispered as she turned around and met my eyes. _"I'm okay now though...I just think that all of this, proves that I need that medication more than I thought."_

I nodded as I looked over at the two bottles that Quinn had placed on the counter.

_"Why are there two?"_ I asked, expecting only the medicine to help with the PTSD.

_"The other one...is to help with the cravings...and before now...I really thought I wouldn't need them."_

_"But now you do?" _

I just wanted it to be her choice because even though she was trusting me with her limits and control as far as food went, this was something that had to be up to her because I had been there...being forced to take medication that can control your mind and actions is not something that I ever want her to go through.

It had to be her decision.

_"I do."_

So I stood to my feet and grabbed the bottles and read the information on them.

Over the years, I had become a pro at reading them.

I popped the tops and took two pills from one of them and one pill from the other.

_"Do you need water?"_

She nodded so I turned back and filled a paper cup and gave it to her

I watched silently as Ana drank back the pills before handing me the cup.

Even though it wasn't necessary she opened her mouth and showed me that she had taken them.

I kissed her forehead and then moved to put the pill bottles back on the counter top.

* * *

When I turned back she was staring at me.

I bit my lip and stood there feeling unsure of what to do next and then she smiled up at me.

My heart fluttered and then melted as she reached out for me.

_"I need you, B."_

Even with everything...the great sex, the control, the declarations of love.

Just hearing Ana tell me that she needs me was all that I was craving.

I had pushed her limits and needed to know that she didn't hate me for it.

So when she looked at me with so much faith and love, it showed me that even if I wasn't perfect at leading her.

That she still trusted me to be her strength.

And it strengthened my faith.

* * *

**_A/N: I'm about to dock this ship...but I must do it in grand old fashion! That's the thing about love ;) I'm so cheesy! Review!_ **


	45. Chapter 45:Nothing Can Change This Love

**_A/N: Was it a doozy or what? Finally...finally...after 155 chapters...things are going to go up and stay up...with a little help from a friend! :)_**

* * *

**Chapter 45: Nothing Can Change This Love (Sam Cooke)**

* * *

_**Even with everything...the great sex, the control, the declarations of love.**_

_**Just hearing Ana tell me that she needs me was all that I was craving.**_

_**I had pushed her limits and needed to know that she didn't hate me for it.**_

_**So when she looked at me with so much faith and love, it showed me that even if I wasn't perfect at leading her.**_

_**That she still trusted me to be her strength.**_

_**And it strengthened my faith.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Hello?"_

_"Is this Santana Lopez?"_

I pushed up from the bed and walked over to the window seat as I tried to adjust my eyes.

We had stayed in the apartment last night and now I was being awakened at a God forsaken hour after one of the most emotionally exhausting days.

This better be good.

The sun was just coming up over New York City as I sat in the window seat and pulled a quilt over my bare legs hoping that this call would be a good one. I smiled to myself as I watched Britt's body surrounded by all of the comfortable blankets.

She looked so peaceful even with everything that was up in the air and while I had been hoping that all this crap wasn't effecting her too harshly...I still felt a little jealous of her peace.

Maybe jealousy is the wrong word...inspired maybe?

_"This is she...may I ask who's calling?"_

_"This is Mikhail Fishman of Prolific Management group, I have in my hands a copy of the song that you wrote for Beyoncé Knowles. I have been trying to track you down for quite some time."_

_"How did you get the song?" _

Ever since I had sold it, I hadn't really been keeping track of it, so this guy calling me was throwing me completely off.

_"I'm surprised that you even have to ask, seeing as it has been a number one record for the last sixteen weeks and has been nominated for three Grammy's."_

I sat in shock staring out the window, how amazing would it have been if I had known this sooner?

Would I still have even enrolled back in Columbia?

Would I have even run across Dr. Cray again?

But everything happens for a reason.

I ended up in that's asshole's clutches for a reason.

Maybe getting him put away for good would save someone's life.

Maybe this was my redemption for taking a life.

I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh as I thought about everything that brought me to this moment.

Relief washed over me as I realized that things weren't all bad...my time in isolation had apparently proved to not only benefit my mind, body and spirit but one of my aspirations as well.

_"I have had a trying year...I really haven't had the time to pay attention to the radio or television really. Hardly anything other than Elmo."_

_"That may prove to be a blessing, Mrs. Lopez."_

___"How so?"_

_____"Because you haven't been tainted by the industry...and with my help...I think that I could help you stay that way."_

_______"Hmmm...how so?" _

I knew a sales pitch when I heard one.

Over the last few weeks Britt had gotten several phone calls from people trying to hire her.

Some offers were good and others...not so much.

Usually though, with her knack for reading people so well, she was able to weed out the good from the bad.

I don't think I'm as good at that...especially in the state that I was in.

I had asked her to help me through it...and so even though this should have been something that I could do on my own...I knew that I needed her.

_"The industry has been inundated with a lot of crap these days and I was hoping that with your talent and my passion for good music, that I could change that."_

_"Can you hold on a sec?" _

_"Take your time...I'll wait." _

And I knew that he would.

* * *

I put the phone down and walked steadily across the floor.

My body was a little achy but nothing that was unbearable.

When I got to the edge of the bed, I was met by blue eyes that still took my breath away.

Britt was smiling up at me and had this look of pure joy in her eyes...just from seeing me.

_"Hey Ana Banana."_ She whispered.

My heart clenched at the sound of her old nickname for me.

I couldn't contain myself, I lunged forward and captured her lips in a kiss.

Her hand came around my face and buried in my hair.

The kiss wasn't long but the passion was there, wholly and completely.

I pulled away and smiled.

_"I need you Britt Britt...can you come and just listen to this guy?"_

_"Yea."_

She popped up without asking any questions and slid down onto the floor beside me.

Her ability to jump straight out of bed still amazed me.

Even though it was only a few feet, she slid her hand into mine and waited for me to lead her over to the window.

I smiled and clasped her hand tightly until we were both sitting comfortably, side by side on the ledge.

She wrapped her arms around me and I leaned into her.

I took a deep breath and then put the phone on speaker.

Britt kissed my face and then squeezed me before dropping a kiss on my neck.

_"Relax, Ana."_ She whispered and immediately, I felt my body slacken as I took a deep breath.

She was giving me a bit of her peace.

And I was soaking it up.

* * *

_"Mr. Fishman?"_ I said, suddenly feeling like I was back to myself.

_"Ahh...Santana...I hope that I wasn't interrupting your morning."_

_"Not yet...but you have definitely grabbed my attention."_

_"That's great."_

_"So tell me...what you are proposing."_

_"Actually, I was hoping that you could come in this morning and we could discuss that."_

I looked over at Britt and she shook her head.

She leaned against my ear and whispered gently, _"Therapy at ten, police station at twelve."_

I looked over at the clock and could see that it was just past eight.

My heart dropped...how had I forgotten that I had another session this morning and that I had to meet with Captain Dominguez in the afternoon?

_"I'm not sure that's going to work for me...I have two small children and so I can't just do things at such a short notice. I hope that's not a deal breaker?"_

He didn't hesitate a second.

_"Right, I knew that. It's definitely not a deal breaker. Okay...how about this, I have three-year old son and I know that my husband would love to meet you...he's addicted to your track...how about dinner?"_

I looked over at Britt and her face was lit up like I hadn't seen in quite a while.

She gave me a thumbs up and I knew that this guy had to be sincere.

_"My wife says yes."_ I said with a chuckle.

_"Then how about Jekyll & Hyde in the West Village...say five o'clock?"_

_"Yes!"_ Britt said as she pumped her fist. That was a restaurant that I knew for a fact she wanted to go to since Quinn told us about it a while back. Beth apparently loved it there. _"We will see you at five, Mr. Fishman."_ Britt nearly shouted in excitement.

_"That must be the wife...I will see you guys there."_

* * *

Once the phone call was ended I stood to my feet and stretched for a moment before I gave any kind of reaction.

I really didn't know how to react...I knew that there was a lot that would be happening before dinner and I really didn't want to get myself excited, only to come crashing back down once we were in therapy.

When I allowed my arms to drop down to my sides and dropped my head so that I could meet Britt's eyes, I could see that she was watching me closely.

_"It's overwhelming...right?" _She said as she slid forward and put her feet over the edge and pulled me to stand between her legs.

I nodded my head and rested my arms on her shoulders as I looked in her eyes.

_"Yesterday...actually...every day for quite a while has been so damned hard and I just feel like when is it enough...like when do I finally get to sit back and watch the drama instead of being the drama?"_

She nodded and then smirked before leaning in and kissing the tip of my nose.

_"Do you remember when you woke up from the coma and we found out that you might die if you didn't have the baby?" _

I hadn't thought about that day in so long and even though it was a year ago...it still stung.

_"Yea." _

_"Do you remember how strong you were trying to be and how I was like breaking apart?"_

I nodded as I looked in her eyes, that had been a really hard day for both of us, but since I was out of it for most of it while Britt was watching, I knew for a fact that it had been harder on her.

_"Yea." _

_"Do you remember what you said to me?"_

I closed my eyes and tried to think back to that day and what I had said to her so that I could stop her from breaking down more and crying...but I was drawing a blank.

Britt tilted her head to the side and then looked up into my eyes and smiled.

_"It's okay that you don't remember...because I do...you told me to stay strong, that the kids needed me. You told me not to be scared and to be brave...that because I had taught you to fight your demons that you were going to go in there and fight them. You said that I was the smartest and strongest person that you knew. You asked if I could be the person that you needed me to be and I promised you that I would be everything that you needed me to be and more. I told you I would fight, be your strength and that I would pray and commit to you forever."_

My words came back to me as I listened to her repeat them over a year later.

I had no idea how she had remembered all of that but Britt was always surprising me with the things that her memory clung to.

_"Wow." _I whispered as I stepped fully into her embrace. Her arms wrapped around my waist and her eyes were staring deeply into mine.

_"I am still going to be that for you. Through everything...I am here. I am going to be here, nothing and nobody can change that. So much has happened between us...so much has changed but our love is still here. I'm here and you don't have to worry about doing this alone. Let me be the walls to your castle." _

_"Oh B."_ I whispered as I rested my palms against her cheeks._ "You are so amazing and even though I have put you through so much, it's good to know that you are still here. That you are sticking by my side. I'm so afraid sometimes that you are just going to get tired of me and all my bullshit. That one day you will wake up and just say that you have had enough...but you stay."_

_"I learned it from you. I haven't made this marriage easy...I have lied so much and cheated so much. There is a lot of stuff that I did to ruin things and break you down and you still believed in me...even after I nearly killed you. You showed me that nothing can come between us. I don't want to live my life without you, Santana. You are my world."_

_"When did we become so sappy?"_

I poked out my lip and she leaned in and sucked it between her lips and then pulled back with a pop. I felt a shiver run through me and a wetness and warmth between my legs. Even now...I wanted her.

_"I think we always have been...but you have gotten softer in your old age." _She winked and I cocked my eyebrow.

I was about to be twenty-one in a few months but that did not mean that I was old!

Did it?

_"Not cool."_ I said shaking my head.

_"I love you." _She said as she pulled me against her completely.

I leaned into the hug and rested my chin on her shoulder. I looked out over the skyline and realized that here we were, two girls from Lima, with big dreams, we were in this big city and even through everything...here we were still fighting the good fight.

There was still a tremendous amount of love between us.

It humbled me.

_"Always and only you, B." _I pulled back and met her eyes again with a grin, we needed to celebrate us and all that we had been through._ "I just want you to know...that when this is over...you and I are going to take the kids and just have family time together. We will go to Disney World...just like you always wanted...yea?"_

Her eyes lit up as I mentioned her childhood dream.

We hadn't discussed it more than once and that was way back in the beginning of our relationship...back before things got so complicated.

When we were young and naïve.

Britt had dreams of meeting Donald and Daisy Duck and I was going to make that happen.

_"You remembered Disney World?" _She said with a grin on her face.

_"Yea...I did. It's something that I have been wanting to do for a while. I want to do something for us...me, you and the kids. I want us to just be a normal family and I'm not going to wait around here in this city to see if any other drama pops up. I am going to start making it a point to enjoy what we have. We have lost so much time together...and that ends now. Once we are done with this shit...we start to live. How does that sound?"_

She gave me her biggest smile and squeezed me tighter, burying her nose against my neck and sighing.

_"Like a motherfucking plan." _

And just like that we were us again.

The easiness between us had returned and the stresses had been put to the side. We were finally starting to realize what was important.

And it couldn't have come at a better time.

* * *

**_Dear Henry, _**

**_I've lost track of the days...but you don't mind too much...right?_**

**_I'm in the reception area of Amy's office all alone...she insisted on taking Britt in the room, just the two of them._**

**_I don't know what they are talking about but I know that it's about me. _**

**_She had asked me if it was okay with me if she had a word with Britt and I shrugged and told her it was no big deal. _**

**_But it is Henry, because it's been ten minutes and I am starting to freak out a little bit. _**

**_The last few days have been so much and I am so tired. _**

**_I'm not down on myself though, not today. _**

**_I have hope that everything is going to work out. _**

**_I'm sober, even though there is nothing that my body wants more than to be high, I haven't gone there. _**

**_And now that I have this medication that's helping with the cravings...I think that I am managing a little better. _**

**_My mind is trying to be dark, Henry, but I can't go there again. I want to be done this time, for good._**

**_I don't want to be this person anymore._**

**_I want to be better and I know that starts with acknowledging the problems that I have instead of ignoring them._**

**_Being sober makes me incredibly nervous but I know that my mind isn't like normal people. _**

**_I have an addictive personality. _**

**_It used to be that I was just addicted to words, learning, my reputation and Brittany but Marco expanded that for me. _**

**_Cocaine, lies and sex became such a big thing for me that it sucked me in and affected my relationships with my family and friends. _**

**_I feel like I don't know my children because of it. _**

**_And that I am still learning Britt and that hurts because I should know her better than anything. _**

**_but I realized that we have both changed so much. I love her more now than ever and I know that nothing will change that._**

**_She is my rock and I want to finally be hers._**

**_Sober. _**

**_Will I make it through this?_**

**_We will see...they just came out of the office. _**

**_I'll talk to you soon!_**

**_-S_**

* * *

_"Are you okay?" _Britt hovered over me with a neutral look on her face as she held out her hand for me to hold.

I closed my journal and put it in her outstretched hand.

She raised her eyebrows and waited for me to explain.

_"I want you to read that...after every entry...I left a blank page...so you could write me back."_

She shook her head in confusion and scrunched up her head.

_"But...I'm not Henry."_

_"Do you know what that name means, Britt?"_

She shook her head as she gripped the little black book tightly in her hands.

_"Ruler of the home...and for as long as I have known you...you have been my home. I keep coming back to you because that is what you are to me. My home. You are my Henry."_

Tears came to her eyes and I stood to my feet and reached out my pinky.

She smiled and linked her little finger with mine.

_"Then you are my Henry too." _She said as we walked into the office together.

My heart felt so full at that moment that I didn't even fight the tears that came pouring down my cheeks.

* * *

_"Wow usually people cry after our sessions...not before...Santana...I'm impressed."_

I smiled and shut the door before taking my usual seat in front of her desk.

_"I'm sorry."_ I said as I wiped my tears away.

_"Don't apologize...if anything...I'm proud. You have been coming to me for months and I have barely seen you show any emotion other than anger. I was starting to think that I wasn't reaching you."_

_"That's because I wasn't open...and now with these pills in me, I can't help myself."_

She sat forward and tried to fight her smile.

_"So you are taking them?"_

_"Since last night."_

_"And how are the cravings?"_

I shook my head.

_"Normally, the mornings are the hardest. Britt is usually gone and it's just me and Daniela. I feed her and then I read to her. She takes a nap usually at nine for about two hours. In that two hours, I try to get all of my homework done. Most times though...I spend it..."_

I sighed and reached over to Britt and held out my pinky again. She smiled and gave me her whole hand. The moment that we touched and she was holding my hand firmly, I felt some of my anxiety ease.

_"It's okay, Ana."_ Britt whispered.

I nodded and looked at Amy.

_"Usually, I spend that first hour and a half running on my treadmill at the highest speed possible while crying. I always feel the need to snort enough coke to forget my troubles or to turn my mind off but there is just too much to lose. A runner's high is the only way that I make it through the mornings. What's bad though...is usually I'm doing it with nothing in my stomach so I spend the last half hour vomiting up stomach acid and then showering until my alarm goes off. Today I didn't feel the need to do that."_

_"Definite progress." _Amy said as she took notes.

Britt didn't know anything about what my mornings had been like and yet when I looked at her she wasn't looking at me in anger or pity she just smiled sweetly and then brought my hand to her lips. She grazed my skin a few times before kissing my hand firmly.

_"I'm proud of you."_ She said before looking at Amy.

I didn't look anywhere but into my lap as I allowed the feeling of relief to fill me.

It hurt so much to hold that from Britt.

* * *

_"So it's safe to say that your eating disorder is trying to take you under?"_

I nodded.

_"It already has."_ I said as I met her eyes. _"Which is why...I need to quit the track team. I think that I am going to drop completely out of school actually...I think that I just need to focus on my kids right now" _

Amy nodded and began to jot things down again.

_"Do you think that being home all day is going to help you control your urges?"_

I shook my head.

_"No...I don't think that there is anything that I can do differently." _

_"This isn't the first time that you have battled Anorexia, Santana...for a while though you seemed to be managing well. What was the defining thing that helped you maintain that stability?"_

I pulled my hand from Britt's and wrapped my arms around myself.

_"That's just it, Amy, there really hasn't been any stability in my life. I have always had issues...even while I was pregnant. The only thing that I know that was different was that I seemed to be able to make it through all the shit in my head when I had a stable and consistent routine. Like meals with Britt or like in cheer camp when I had to eat at certain times. Now though...there is no routine."_

_"So when you are alone...do you find that its easier to fall into these habits of not eating?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do you feel alone when you are with your kids?"_

I shrugged.

_"I don't know."_

_"It doesn't make you a bad parent if you feel lonely when you are with them. You just crave adult interaction."_

I nodded when she said that...because she had me pegged. I didn't want to seem like a bad parent but I was constantly feeling alone.

_"Brittany?" _

_"Yes?"_

_"Are there ways that you can move your work schedule around so that you are sharing more meals with Santana?"_

I looked over at Britt and she nodded while looking down at the journal in her hands.

Handing over that book was my ultimate sacrifice.

It was me accepting her place in my life.

Since she was a kid, she had issues with her environment...issues not being able to control her brain or her actions and so being with me gave her the opportunity to rule things...to take over. I grew up needing rules and stability, I needed someone to help to direct me toward the right things.

When we tried things in the reverse, I ended up in a coma and she ended up cheating and lying.

This was me finally accepting the roles in our relationship and letting her know that I was okay with them.

She looked over at me finally and smiled before looking back at Amy and nodding.

_"Yea...my schedule is pretty flexible...I just never felt like she really needed me. Her family is always around and always there...so I guess I just stepped back."_ I turned to Britt as I bit down on my cheek. She nodded at me in recognition, I didn't even need to speak what I was feeling because she already knew._ "I know now...it's me that you need, Ana. I get that now better than ever before. Things are going to change and I'm going to be what you need. I promise."_

* * *

There were no intense stories told after that.

Amy instead wanted to focus on helping us develop better ways to communicate.

And if there is something that Britt and I don't do effectively, even after all this time, it's communicating.

We both understand that it is an issue and now I think we know why.

Everything comes back to control.

A fight for dominance that I have been trying to win and her trying to submit to me even though it was so unnatural on her.

When I met Frankie and I saw the way that she was with Britt...it really got my attention.

When I see the way that Rachel gets really quiet and respectful around Britt, it shocks me and when Ari...someone that I know for a fact is more dominating as a person than me, get so sweet and kind with Britt...it slaps me in the face.

Britt is a born leader.

Plain and simple.

It's evident when she is commanding a room full of dancers.

It was evident when she talked to people and when she was with our kids.

She shines when she is running things and when she isn't...life becomes unbearable for her.

I am dominating as a person...my presence and personality can fill up a stadium but when it comes to people with more power or bigger personalities like Quinn, Sue, Papi, and Marco...I'm like a bitch rolling over on her back and showing my belly.

It's my natural inclination.

And now I fucking get it.

It didn't make me less of a person, a woman, or a ball busting hard ass.

If anything it made me more stable and confident.

It gave me purpose and direction.

Britt was that for me.

My home ruler...and frankly, there is no one that I want more walking beside me and helping me along my way.

Because she gets what I need better than I do.

And I thank God for that.

* * *

As we were leaving the therapists office Mami texted to say that they were pushing the meeting with Captain Dominguez two whole days. Britt seemed irritated by the news but I was thrilled.

It meant free time.

So as we drove through SoHo, I reached across the console and rubbed my hand across Britt's thigh until my fingers were under her skirt.

Her frown immediately got deeper.

_"What are you doing, Ana?"_

_"I need you Britt Britt."_ I whispered against her ear.

She shuddered and continued to drive but I knew that she wasn't entirely focused.

_"Wh-what do you need exactly?"_

_"I need you...to love me."_

She smirked and then brought her hand down and wrapped it around my wrist.

_"I love you always...you know that...but I'm not having sex with you."_

With that statement she picked up my wrist and placed it back on my lap.

She had blatantly rejected me and it hurt.

_"You don't think I'm hot anymore?"_ I said trying to keep the feeling light despite feeling like she had slapped me.

_"There is no one hotter than you."_ She said as she glanced my way.

_"Ok...so then, why not? You had no problem two nights ago...you know when you took me from behind for the first time since just after I had Isaac...do you remember because I do."_

_"It's just...that was amazing...but things are different right now." _

I could tell that Britt was choosing her words carefully and now that we were sitting in our usual parking spot in the garage, she was staring at me full on with worry written all over her face.

_"You don't think that I know that things are different...or that they're crazy? Do you realize that in the last two years during the month of April...I have not been able to just have sex with you...the first time...I had just had Isaac and the second...I was in rehab...so forgive me if I want to break that cycle. I have needs Britt. And I needs you!"_

I knew that my voice was raising and that I was starting to shriek but she had turned something on inside of me and I needed her more than ever.

_"I just don't think it that's a good idea with all the stuff you have been going through. You need to focus on getting better. So much bad has happened...especially recently. I don't want your body to confuse our sexy times for anything bad, Ana, I want you so bad but when you are ready...and Amy agreed with me."_

I was pissed!

_"I am ready! I want you to throw me over your shoulder take me upstairs and fu-"_ I was cut off by Britt cupping her hand over my mouth and shaking her head.

_"No...end of discussion. You said that you trusted me to know what was best for you and us...and I think that this is best."_

And just like that...my anger deflated and I was hearing my own words come back to haunt me.

She was right.

I nodded and she slowly lowered her hand from me.

When she leaned forward to kiss me, she kept her eyes open because she probably assumed that I would blow her off but I was working on turning over a new leaf and so I leaned forward and kissed her back.

Long and hard.

If I couldn't have sexy times then the sweet lady kisses were just going to have to do.

* * *

As we strolled into the apartment together, I felt a peace wash over me as Britt led us inside.

Something about her demeanor was different as she closed the door behind us and then quickly turned on me.

My back was pressed against the door as she ran her fingers over my face.

It was eerily similar to that day in the theater at Sandra's.

She looked at my neck and then traced a finger over it before meeting my eyes.

_"You okay, B?"_ I asked surprised that she was even touching me like that...it had been over a year but it was still something we never even talked about anymore.

_"I'm just...I can't believe that I hurt you so bad."_ She looked at me with a steely determined look in her eyes. She tossed her purse and keys to the side table and then rested her hands on my hips.

I looked up at her and allowed the little bit of panic that was in my chest to relax a bit.

She wasn't that person anymore.

And I wasn't the person that would stand by and allow it to happen...right?

The cuts on my back say otherwise.

She had changed but I hadn't...not very much.

_"I pushed you to that point...I was trying to control things that I had no business controlling. I embarrassed you by making you go to that pharmacy...I threw Frankie and Siobhan in your face...I was doing everything I could to make you explode. Fate was just not on my side...because instead of verbalizing you did what you always do...you used actions. I should have realized that you express yourself better through movement not words. You aren't the Brittany that I thought you were."_

She raised an eyebrow and then licked her lips before clearing her throat.

She was holding back her words again...but this somehow felt different.

_"I just don't think that I knew what I needed...I was stupid. My mind was gone...but I knew what I was doing to you. Sometimes I look at my hands and I can remember what it felt like. I can remember the wild look in your eyes and how you were still telling me that you loved me. I was just...I don't know...I'm just so sorry for it."_

I nodded as I reached up and grazed my neck before cupping her cheeks.

_"What brought this up, B?"_

I didn't realize what she was doing until her hand reached up under my shirt and her fingertips stroked the cuts.

She didn't stop the feather light touch as she began to speak.

_"Just knowing what you went through...how people hurt you just to get you to submit to them. I realized that I was trying to do that too. For some reason...I just didn't see how you were before I got violent. That night I spent with Marco...he told me all this stuff about how you are like a puppy and how you need to be trained. The way he explained it made it make so much sense. I was angry at you for the stitches and snapping at me and so I slowly started to believe him. I wanted to control you...to rule your life. When I choked you...that was what I was trying to do...I didn't realize that you are a lot more willing to let someone lead you if they are kind to you and you trust them. I wasn't doing anything to keep your trust and I did a really bad job of trying to get it back."_

I sighed and nodded as I thought about what she was telling me...and now not wanting to have sex with me made a lot of sense.

_"I enjoyed it...just so you know...the other night."_

_"Huh?"_ She was confused.

_"When you...sp-spanked me...it um...didn't feel like you were trying to hurt me...it was nothing like Dr. Cray or Marco or any other guy. It wasn't even like when you went off your meds and tried to fuck me senseless...back when you were trying to prove to yourself that you were better than Ian. I don't even count those times as sex...because it wasn't you that was touching me. The other night...that was you...completely and I loved every second because it wasn't about me getting off or you controlling me...it was you loving me and giving me what I needed. You didn't do anything wrong."_

I ran my hand over her face and could see that she was fighting tears.

_"Are you sure?"_ She whispered.

_"Definitely...and you know what else?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"I totally agree with you now...no sex for a bit...not while I'm going through all of this drama. I don't want you to compare yourself to the people who hurt me and took advantage of me. I don't want you to think that you are the same as that lost girl you once were. I want us both to be in the right state of mind. I want our souls to be at peace and our lives to be headed to a better place."_

_"Yea?"_ Her face lit up and she let out a heavy breath that she had been holding.

_"Yes, Britt Britt. And just so you know...I completely trust you now. I know that you aren't going to take advantage of me. I know that you aren't going to touch me in anger ever again. There isn't a doubt in my mind that you will take care of me. I love you so much, Brittany and nothing can change that."_

* * *

**_I know this is crazy timing but I really need to talk to you about something. Can I call you?-Ceily_**

**_Sure thing...what's it about?-Ana_**

**_Quinn. :/-Ceily_**

**_Okay...I'm here.-Ana_**

My heart was racing as I sat curled up on the couch while Britt made us lunch.

Celia and I had never really talked about that night that I had with Quinn, in fact we never really talked about Quinn at all unless it was in a group setting.

So her text threw me for a loop.

But a lot of time had passed...a year.

She forgave me.

So this couldn't have been about that.

Right?

* * *

_"Hey baby sis."_ I could hear the nerves in my sister's voice as I picked up the phone.

_"Hi...is everything okay?"_

_"Uh...yea. I just...I kind of need your advice."_

_"On Quinn."_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay...go for it...what do you need?"_

_"I want to ask her to marry me and I wanted your blessing."_

_"My blessing?"_ I was confused. _"Why me?"_

_"Are you really going to make this hard for me, Ana?"_ She laughed out nervously.

_"I'm just...honored that you're asking me...I guess I just kind of didn't expect it."_

_"It's just you are the most important person in her life, she loves you more than anyone else and so your opinion really matters to me."_

_"Why now?"_

_"I'm thirty-three this year and she is really about to get into this school stuff and I really don't want to waste anymore time. I love her with all my heart and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She's just amazing and I feel so blessed to have her in my life."_

_"Wow."_ I said sitting forward and staring at picture on our mantle of me and Q doing side splits. It had been just after she had given up Beth and she was really down on herself so I had taken her to my trampoline and helped her get in shape to get back on the Cheerios.

It was a defining time for us because it was one of the first times that I was doing something for her and taking care of her instead of her for me.

She had gone through a lot that summer and then didn't really have a good time adjusting afterwards so I was glad that I could do something to make her smile.

Even though it didn't last long.

Now though, when she was with my sister, it was like all that bad shit had disappeared and she was back to being happy again.

Britt came into the room with two big bowls of mac and cheese and sat them in front of me on the little table.

She looked at me sideways and waited for me to finish.

_"So what do you say, Ana...can I marry her?"_

_"Celia...you have my blessing to sweep her off her feet and wife her up. I know that you will take of Q and be everything that she needs."_

_"Thank you so much...she's coming up the stairs...I have to go...I love you!" _

_"I love you too."_

_"Oh and Ana?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Try and act surprised when she calls you."_

_"You got it!"_

* * *

When I ended the call and pulled the bowl into my lap as Britt sat across from me on top of the coffee table and held out her hand.

_"Let's pray?"_ She said as she squeezed my hand.

_"You or me?"_

_"I'll do it." _

I bowed my head and closed my eyes as I thought about the times that I had tried to get B to pray with me, or go to church with me and how she thought it was stupid.

Things had come to such a great place for us.

And it didn't really bother me back then that she wasn't interested but now I was feeling so relieved that she was now partaking in something that was such a huge part of who I was.

_"Dear Jesus...it's been so hard lately for me and my family. I know that you are with us and that you are going to guide us to where you think we should be. I thank you for bringing us this far. Please bless our children and our marriage and most of all...please never let us go. Bless the food and help it to heal our bodies. Amen." _

_"Amen."_

I smiled as I raised my eyes to meet hers.

She wasn't eating, she was staring at me instead.

But it wasn't in that...you better eat or else kind of way...it was more of her silently asking if she had done it right.

_"That was a great prayer, B."_ I said as I raised the food to my mouth and took a small bite.

My stomach grumbled and ached a bit but I continued to feed myself because I needed to get back to routine and this was a huge part of that.

_"You look sick...don't force yourself."_

_"I'm okay."_ I sighed as I shoveled another scoop into my mouth and chewed slowly.

_"Please...eat slower."_ She said as she rested her hand on my wrist, I had been halfway to my mouth with another scoop even though I hadn't swallowed the previous bit yet.

There was a sternness in her voice but I could see the love and concern in her eyes.

I nodded and put the bowl down on the coffee table next to her.

_"I think...I just need a minute, ok?"_ I said as I stood to my feet.

_"Sure, baby." _

She didn't say anything else as I began to walk to the bathroom, I looked back at her and could see that she wasn't even watching me.

She just continued to eat her food without a care in the world.

She was trusting me.

I closed the door behind me and locked it before leaning against the sink and allowing the tears to come down.

I was at war within myself.

There was no trust within myself even though I knew that she trusted me.

If she didn't, I knew that she would have stopped me from coming into the bathroom or she would be knocking but she's not.

I met my own eyes in the mirror and could see just how vulnerable they looked.

More tears came after that.

The girl in the mirror wasn't someone who I recognized.

My cheeks and eyes were sunken in, I was harsh angles and I was starting to develop wrinkles around my mouth.

I looked older than I should.

And I knew it was because of the way that I had treated my body over the years.

How could Britt still be attracted to me?

* * *

I knew that some time had gone by when I finally emerged from the bathroom and walked into our bedroom.

Britt was standing naked in front of the mirror putting her hair up.

She looked so peaceful and beautiful.

_"Hey baby...you okay?"_

I stood there looking at her reflection and shook my head.

She turned around and I couldn't help but admire her in all her beauty, she looked like a bombshell and I was looking dishevelled and feeling lost and ugly.

I shook my head and buried my face in my hands.

_"No...I'm not!"_ I whispered harshly as I rocked in place.

Britt has never had qualms about space or touching and so I wasn't surprised when I found myself pressed against her cool skin. The smell of her surrounded me and I immediately felt calmer.

_"Tell me about it." _

_"I'm ugly." _I whispered._ "And disgusting."_

_"Oh Ana." _She said as she kissed my face._ "You are amazing and the fact that you could think anything less...that just tells me that we still have a lot of work to do." _

_"Work?"_ I asked as I wiped away my tears and just stood there in her arms.

_"Yea...I was thinking...that maybe I won't be going back into the theater to work anymore. I think that I can work from home for a while."_

_"No...B...I'm not letting you stop your life for me." _I tried to pull away but she just held me tighter.

_"You are my life, Ana Banana."_ She said as she finally stepped back without letting go.

I looked into her eyes and could see all the love there.

_"How can you still love me, B? I'm gross...I'm sick and I am just not hot anymore."_

_"Santana Lopez, I think that you are the hottest woman in the world. I thought it when you were pregnant, when you were in a coma, when you were covered in blue slushy...and even now when you think you aren't attractive at all. You are amazing. You are going to get better, I am sure of it. I love you always and nothing will change that...so...it's getting late you were in that bathroom for a really long time...how about we shower, get hot and sexy and then go pick up the kids so that we can meet with your new manager? Do you think you can still handle that?"_

_"Yea...I've been looking forward to it all day."_

_"And you are going to eat a full meal...right?"_

_"Yes, B."_

_"And you are going to smile and be the amazing woman who I know and love...right?"_

_"I will."_

_"So let's go get our lady babies and have a good night...okay?"_

_"Okay, B." _I said putting on my best smile even though I was still feeling like I was crud on the street.

Britt's face was still lit up as she held my hand and pulled me towards the bathroom.

She was trying to be what I needed.

And her looking at me with all that love was definitely a start,

Because seeing the way she looked at me...with her pure and innocent look of love lit a flame in me that had dimmed to a small flicker. I hadn't done so much to take care of myself but that hadn't changed the way she saw me or the way she wanted me. Britt made me feel like I was someone special and someone significant...even if I felt like I wasn't the someone who I wanted to be.

She saw who I was on the inside and was chipping away my rough exterior hoping that I would start to see the real _"me"_ too.

And since Britt always gets what she wants when it comes to me...I'm sure I'll start to see what she sees.

Eventually...

* * *

_**A/N: Hey lovelies...I know that it's been awhile since I posted last but that was because I had to go back and read this story through. The light is there...it's fluffier...right? Heavy stuff in the next chapter so I had to give you some light in the darkness. As always all mistakes are mine...and I don't own anything! :) I hope you enjoyed! Review or message or something...yea?** _


	46. Chapter 46:Make The World Go Away

_**A/N: So I went back and read this entire universe including all the one shots...which if you haven't read them you should really check them out. And I am back! I am excited that aside from just a few minor inconsistencies...this story has flowed from beginning to well...now...I even went back and read the reviews and I must say that I have had some really dedicated reviewers that I am ever grateful for! Now that I have said all of that...lets get with this story...shall we?** _

* * *

**Chapter 46: Make the World Go Away (Jamey Johnson ft. Alison Krauss)**

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"What are you doing out here? It's late...or early, I guess."_

I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly. The crackling of the cigarette between my fingers was the only sound at that time of morning.

My head was pounding and my stomach was raw as I tried to assemble my thoughts.

_"My sister just had a baby...little boy. They named him Russell...after my father. This is her sixth kid...first boy. Apparently he is the first non blonde in the family but his green eyes are just like mine...just like my mothers."_

I muttered before taking another long drag and looking up at her.

She nodded and then turned to look towards the sunrise like I had been doing.

Celia's roof in Brooklyn was my favorite part of her house...probably my favorite place in New York.

You could see everything...including the sun rising.

_"Your mom called."_

It wasn't a question.

_"Did you know that she has been at the birth of all of my sisters kids. She has this insane bond with them...closer than the bond she has with me or Gwen even. Did you know that she has never even met Beth?"_

I crushed my cigarette before pulling out another from my pocket.

Celia was still turned from me but I could tell that she was still very in tune with what I was doing.

_"Can you blame her?"_

My hands shook as I brought the cigarette to my lips and sucked in a breath as I lit it.

_"No."_ I choked out before taking a deep breath. _"I blame my father...she was just his fucking peon. She became depressed and drunk the moment that she knew that Beth would be raised by someone other than me."_

_"But it still hurts...now that you have Beth in your life that she isn't taking an interest...right?"_

_"I called her...a week ago to tell her that Shelby was giving up her rights and I was going to petition the court...I even told her that Gladys agreed to help me. Do you know what she said?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"She said that I should just let Noah and Rachel raise her. That I would taint Beth with my life choices!"_

_"And what do you think, Luce?"_

_"I think that she tainted me with her fucking life choices!" _

Celia came and sat next to me against the smoke wall, she wrapped her arm around my body and pulled me against her.

I just laid against her side, with my head on her shoulder and let the stillness of her touch and the peace of her soul comfort me.

Because she made this moment...and every other moment seem so trite by ripping the bitterness away.

We watched the sunrise and she didn't let me go, not even for a second.

My mother be damned.

* * *

_"Are you sure that you're fine with this?"_

_"We talked about it...and I'm fine with it. If I wasn't I wouldn't have insisted that you build a relationship with her."_

_"Then why did you get angry when I suggested petitioning for custody?"_

_"Because at that moment...it seemed like you were doing it out of spite. Our daughter is not a pawn...in that moment you sounded a little too much like your father."_

_"You know nothing about my father, Noah!" _

_"That wasn't a dig at you, Quinn. It's the facts. I support you wanting to petition for joint custody and maybe a move is necessary for me and Rachel...maybe we can move closer to you. Beth's school is in Brooklyn and now that we have a baby on the way, we will need more space. So I support you...just as long as you promise to never be spiteful about it." _

_"You have my word." _

_"Good...now, on to more fun things...will you be at Beth's Jungle Book recital tonight or tomorrow night?"_

_"When are you going?"_

_"Tonight." _

_"Then I will go tomorrow night...since she's going to be with me this weekend anyway...I'll just bring her back here after...maybe you and Rachel can meet us...we can go to Jekyll and Hyde to celebrate?"_

_"Great. Okay, I have to get to work...she has an early dismissal today, don't forget." _

_"Two, I know. I'll be there."_

_"Good...I'll pick her up at five."_

* * *

_"What was that about?"_

_"Noah and I were just hammering out our plans for today."_

_"Before that." _

_"Oh...he told me that he wouldn't fight me on the custody thing."_

_"Then why did you look so pissed."_

_"Said that when I brought it up before...that I sounded like I was using Beth like a pawn...he said I reminded him of my father."_

_"Is that what you did?"_

I shrugged as I dug through my purse looking for my cigarettes.

_"Where the fuck did I put them?" _I grumbled.

_"I threw them out." _

I looked up into dark green eyes and felt like I was going to pass out.

_"Why the fuck did you do that?"_

_"Because it isn't casual...you are getting addicted to those things...and they are bad for you."_

_"I'm an adult Celia. I can make that decision."_

_"Fine...and since I am an adult...until you can stop smoking...I need you to leave."_

_"What do you mean leave?"_

_"I mean...you are stinking up my sheets...the house and I don't want it."_

_"But...I live here now, C...it's not like before when I was just staying here...you can't just put me out!"_

_"Watch me." _

And just like that she was flinging open the kitchen door, the rain was pouring down but she didn't seem to care.

_"Fine...I'll go see San." _

_"Ha!" _

Celia threw her head back and laughed out loud and obnoxious.

_"What?"_

_"Brittany doesn't want my sister around her own kids when she's smoking...what makes you think she is going to put up with you being there?"_

I looked at the woman who I loved and saw the serious look in her eyes.

We were having an epic stare down, now.

I really wanted to smoke and she really wanted me to stop.

I felt violent and she looked desperate.

That wasn't a look that I was used to or even cared for, especially coming from her.

_"Fine...I will work on quitting." _

_"Don't do it for me."_

_"No...you're right. It's not good for me. I am about to get my daughter back...I can't go setting bad examples...right?"_

It made my heart melt as I watched her face light up.

_"In that case..."_

She slammed the door and then came over to me, holding her hand out and winking.

_"Hmmm?"_

_"We have like seven hours before we have to pick up Beth...how about I show you how happy you just made me."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Yes...I recall...a few months back...something about being able to do whatever perverted thing that I wanted..."_

I raised my eyebrow as I felt her press me against the table.

_"I thought you forgot about that?" _

_"Nope...I was just waiting for the right moment and I think right now...is the perfect moment."_

_"Is that right?"_

_"Undoubtedly."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Susie?"_

I froze as I stood in my studio.

It was the middle of the night and my phone had rung as I was mid leap...I had blindly reached for it and answered.

Hearing that nickname...made me feel frozen.

_"Matt?"_

_"Did I wake you?"_

_"No...is everything okay? I haven't heard from you in forever...when did you get back?"_

_"I've been back a week. War is tough but I'm good."_

I laid on the floor and clapped my hands to turn off the lights.

I smiled to myself as I looked up at the glow in the dark solar system on the ceiling.

It was beautiful.

_"So tell me...what has you calling me at three in the morning." _

_"I'm not supposed to be calling you. My parents insisted that I leave this alone...but I can't. Aunt Susan and Uncle Rob mean so much to me."_

My heart began to race.

When was the last time that I had spoken to my parents?

_"You're scaring me, Matty. Tell me what happened?"_

_"After your dad had heart surgery in May...your mom took out a second mortgage on the house."_

_"Heart surgery? Dad didn't have heart surgery! I saw him all summer and he seemed fine! They would have told me! "_

_"Well...they didn't."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Susie, I wouldn't lie about this."_

_"Is he okay?"_

_"Uncle Rob got laid off from being out of work for so long after the surgery...then Aunt Susan just got laid off a few months ago...their house is in foreclosure and they have been talking about coming back to Chicago to stay with my mom. I just found this all out yesterday and they begged me to let this be...but I can't...not without them telling you."_

_"Shit. This is bad." _

_"Yea, it's bad. What are you going to do about it?"_

_"What should I do?"_

_"Pay them a surprise visit...make them tell you. Help them, like they helped you back when the doctors in Chicago wanted to put you away for good. They moved to Lima to save you from that...you owe them this."_

* * *

Matty's words kept ringing in my head.

I owe them this.

I couldn't focus on dancing now.

Instead I needed to come up with some kind of plan but I couldn't think straight.

Is this why they were so dead set on me not having a baby and helping to support me?

Had this led to my abortion?

My ability to not have kids?

_"Britt?"_

I stumbled into the kitchen, where Ana was looking over contracts while drinking coffee.

She looked up at me and took off her glasses.

This was the last thing she needed right now.

I couldn't worry her.

She was still cut off...she couldn't save my parents this time.

I yanked the refrigerator door open grabbed a bottle of water before slamming the door and ripping the top of the bottle off.

Ana was watching silently as I chugged down the whole bottle before tossing it in the waste basket.

_"I'm fine." _I said.

She stood on her feet and held her arms out for me but I didn't walk into them.

Her comfort was the last thing I needed.

I had fucked up.

My parents couldn't come to me because of what I had done.

I had seen the shame in their eyes and then the pity afterwards.

_"Bullshit. We have to be honest with each other Brittany." _

_"There is nothing that you can do...I have to deal with this myself."_

_"What do you mean? What happened?"_

_"I need to go out of town for awhile."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"My parents need me."_

_"Are they okay? When do you want to leave?"_

She was quickly stuffing papers back in to folders as she looked at me in concern.

_"You can't come...you have to stay. Your break is almost over. You have school in a few days."_

_"Screw school! This is about family, it's way more important, you know that." _

_"You can't come, that's final." _I slapped my hand on the table so hard that it stung but I wasn't going to back down.

I was in control here and she was going to have to listen.

That was the agreement.

She looked at me with cold eyes that were almost black but she didn't speak a word.

I wasn't surprised when she carried her cup to the sink and then stormed out of the kitchen.

Things had been good, we had gone to that dinner and she amazed them.

We came back home and had amazing sexy times after putting the kids to bed.

She had chosen to go to sleep early while I decided to dance off my extra energy.

And now...we were back to fighting.

This is not how things were supposed to be.

* * *

I didn't sleep.

My mind was still going in circles.

So I decided to do some laundry instead but then I saw that Ana had already done that.

I wanted to talk to her, to fix this...because she had therapy in the morning and this was not how she should be.

Amy had warned me that allowing Ana to get stressed would only lead her down a dangerous path.

Why hadn't I listened?

There was nothing to distract myself with.

So I swallowed my bitterness and climbed the stairs.

With each step I felt heavier and sadder.

The world was on my shoulders.

I hated this.

_"I miss you."_

Her whispered words came drifting from somewhere in the room and I froze.

Who did she miss?

I stepped further into the room and saw that she wasn't in bed and the bathroom light was out.

Where was she?

_"Ana? Come to bed."_

She didn't answer.

I heard shuffling and then a lock turn.

She was in her closet.

I walked towards the bed and slipped under the covers.

My mind was too full to deal with her stuff.

It was late and Izzy would be calling us through the baby monitor in a few hours.

_"Do me a favor?"_

I looked up at Ana as she stood over me in her sweats.

She was way overdressed for bed.

Then I looked down and saw that she had sneakers on her feet.

_"Where are you going?"_

_"For a run."_

_"It's dark out."_ I said sitting up and reaching for her.

_"I'll be fine...just when you go back to Lima...take Daniela. You haven't spent enough time with her and I know that Susan and Rob would love to see her."_

She didn't say another thing as she headed for the doorway.

I wouldn't stop her.

Even though I should have.

Once a junkie, always a junkie.

I should have known better.

But as Ana once told me, I can be incredibly selfish.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"That was amazing."_ I whispered as I tried to catch my breath.

_"Even the freakish stuff?"_ Ceily winked at me and I couldn't help but blush.

_"Definitely with the freakish stuff."_

_"This is why I want to marry you." _

My heart stopped.

We weren't like most couples, we didn't throw around things like that.

Everything with us was very serious and so her saying those words made me melt.

There was nothing I wanted more when it came to her.

_"Is that what you want? To marry me?"_

I waited for her to break out in a smile but she didn't.

She slid from the bed and onto her knees.

I watched as she opened her nightstand and reached inside.

When I saw the little black bag in her hand, I sat up and scooted closer to her.

She was serious.

_"I was going to wait...you know do something romantic and cheesy...but our relationship is built on so much more. I knew from the moment that I first saw you...all torn apart that I wanted to be the one to put you back together. I love you Lucy Quinn Fabray...and I want you to be my wife. So tell me...is that what YOU want...to marry me?"_

I felt the tears wanting to rush to my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall.

There were too many tears in my life and I wouldn't let this be one of those moments.

I placed my hands on either side of her face and looked into those green eyes that reminded me of fresh cut grass in the summer.

Eyes that shined like emeralds and often eyes that burned with passion the moment they looked at me.

_"Yes."_

* * *

Celia got called into work and since I wasn't on the schedule to volunteer, I decided to call San.

_"I don't give a fuck! Just go. What?!"_

_"San?"_

_"Oh...hey, Lucy Q. What's up?"_

_"Are you busy?"_

I could hear Britt yelling in the background and then there was a door slamming.

_"Not anymore...hold on a second." _

_"Okay." _

I listened as her car revved up and that's when I realized that she was driving.

_"Okay...I'm back...what's up?"_

_"I can call you back."_

_"No...it's fine. I was just dropping off Brittany at the airport."_

_"Tell me that's not how you said goodbye to her Santana!" _

_"It's been a difficult morning. Cut me some slack, Blondie."_

_"Where are the kids?"_

_"Brittany took the baby and Isaac is at my mom's."_

_"I can't believe that is the last thing that you said to her."_

_"She'll get over it. It's fine...so...what are you up to Lucy?"_

_"I wanted to share my good news with you...but you seem like you are in a mood...so I can just wait."_

_"She did it?"_

_"What?"_

_"My sister...she proposed?"_

_"How did you know?"_

_"Because she called and asked for my blessing."_

_"Oh." _

_"So...lets celebrate...mani pedi?"_

_"Um...yea...sure." _

_"Okay...we can go to that place up the street from Ceily's...that's where you are right?"_

_"Yea." _

_"Okay...well see you there in like an hour." _

_"Okay." _

_"Oh and Q?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Welcome to the family."_

* * *

I don't think that I know anyone as well as I know Santana Lopez.

So I knew that when she said that she would see me in an hour that she meant it.

I also knew what she was like without any caffeine in her system.

And from what I heard over the phone, I knew for a fact that she hadn't had coffee.

So I started to prepare the coffee just like Gladys had taught me one of the few times she was around when we were younger.

When an hour had come around, I heard the key in the lock and so poured a huge soup bowl sized mug of coffee and sat it on the kitchen table.

By the time that she made it into the kitchen I was sitting texting Celia and had my best bitch face on.

She would not walk all over me.

Not today.

_"Hey Q ball."_

I hadn't seen San in a few days and already she looked different.

She had on a huge sweat shirt and some baggy jeans and a pair of flip flops.

I looked her over and could see the dark circles under her eyes and how her skin looked pale.

She wasn't looking good at all.

Even with her make up flawless as usual, I knew her better.

There was a shake to her hands as she sat and raised the mug to her lips.

And even when she looked at me, I could see that her flame was just a flicker.

_"Hey."_

She held her hand out and I rested my hand in hers.

I watched as she looked over my ring and then nodded in approval before pulling her hand back.

_"Sorry about earlier and I did call and apologize...just before she got on the plane."_

_"Good."_

* * *

_"It's been a rough couple hours...as I'm sure you can see from my appearance. After we are done at the salon...I am headed to the apartment to take a nice hot shower and get dressed in something much sexier before I head to therapy." _

_"Where did Britt go?"_

_"Lima."_

_"Why?"_

_"She wouldn't say...just that it had to do with her parents and so to keep her honest, I had her take the baby." _

_"You don't trust her?"_

_"Oh I do...I just...with her working so much, I have been chasing after Daniela non stop...it's her turn. Isaac is easier since he's older...so I kept him home."_

_"When is she coming back?"_

_"No idea."_

_"And the arguing?"_

_"Oh...that." _

She shrugged and drank the last of her coffee before getting up and refilling her cup.

_"What aren't you saying?"_

_"It's no big deal...lets just have a good morning...my treat." _

_"Fine...but you are going to tell me right?"_

_"On one condition."_

_"Okay...what's the condition?"_

_"Come to therapy with me?"_

* * *

At first I didn't think that she was serious.

I mean yea, we had talked about it but only in jest.

She looked at me with wide eyes and her lips in her mouth._  
_

_"Why?"_

Watching San's whole demeanor deflate in that moment told me all that I needed to know._  
_

_"You should be worried, Q."  
_

_"I should be?"  
_

_"You don't think so?"  
_

_"Well...you look like shit San...so of course I think so. With all the progress that you and Britt have been making and with Izzy coming back home...I thought that despite all the shit with HIM...that you would be at least content."  
_

_"I can't be...you know me better than that."  
_

_"I know."  
_

_"So you'll come?"  
_

_"Yes."  
_

_"Good...well lets get a move on then. At this rate we have to cut out the pedicure and just get our manicures."  
_

One minute she was down and depressed but now she was all business again.

Sue had taught us to mask our true feelings well.

Too well.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

She knows that I'm hurting. _  
_

I can see the look in her eyes as she examines me but I try to mask it.

Even sitting in the salon, side-by-side as we got buffed and shined, I could feel her calculating stare.

But isn't that what I wanted?

When I had gone for my run and ended up no farther than my car in the driveway because I couldn't see past my tears, wasn't this what I wanted?

Not to be alone?

For someone to see my cries for help.

That's what I thought...but right now...I wanted nothing more than for the world to disappear.

Even Quinn...with all my love for her, was too much in that moment.

_"So...therapy is at noon, can I trust that you will be there or do I have to come back for you?"_

_"You know you can just borrow something of Celia's or even mine...do you really have to go all the way to TriBeCa?"_

_"I do." _

_"And you're going to drive?"  
_

_"I'm going to drive...yes."  
_

_"That's going to take a while."  
_

_"I don't really want to be in a cab."  
_

_"You can't afford it...can you?"  
_

I looked around and then back at her._  
_

_"Seriously...are you calling me out?" _I whispered._  
_

_"I can pay for our manicures and your cab...you really shouldn't have to break the bank for me."  
_

_"I can afford this."  
_

_"But not a cab."  
_

_"You know what...fuck you, Quinn." _I hissed.

I refused to speak to her after that and when my nails were done, I slammed down the money for both manicures and left her sitting there.

I didn't care about being alone,

I didn't care about Britt leaving me to fend for myself.

I didn't care about her stupid fucking engagement.

Or that I was in Brooklyn...

But I should have.

* * *

It took a split second. _  
_

He had been watching me.

I should have known.

But Brooklyn isn't small.

I thought he wouldn't fucking dare.

Marco was dead.

Papi was long gone.

I had stopped looking over my shoulder at some point.

My guard was down.

And even though my best friend was less than twenty feet away with her back to me...I couldn't be saved.

He gripped my neck just under my hair and hustled me down the street with his hand tightly around my arm.

_"Scream and they all fucking die...starting with little Isaac...I'll shoot him up and then peel him like a grape." _

My heart stopped.

I was deaf to the world around me.

He had threatened me and Britt before.

But my son...by name...that had not happened.

Ever.

So I went with him.

Willingly.

* * *

I found my voice again once we were in his house.

It hadn't dawned on me to look around when I had pulled up earlier.

Usually I had only been to his house after dark.

He was literally a block away from my sister...all this time.

If I looked out of the front window at just the right angle, I could see my truck parked outside her house.

That's how close it was.

But I knew from experience that his house and windows were sound proofed.

So screaming was useless.

I ripped my arm from him and stormed towards the living room.

He followed slowly.

I knew this game.

Marco had taught me how to play by the rules of a sociopath.

Stroke his ego.

Make him feel powerful and then when he is on a tirade, blind side him.

I knew how it worked but this was danger.

More dangerous than any man in my life.

But I would try.

Because it meant my survival.

And more than that...it meant that he was far, far away from my kids.

* * *

_"What do you want from me, Trent?"_

It was the first time that I called him by his first name.

He looked at me with a cool glare as he filled up two tumblers with Scotch.

His favorite.

_"Drink up, sunshine...we need to talk."_

I took the glass from him and then sat on the edge of the couch as he stood on the other side of the room.

_"About what?"_

_"Drink first."_

He seemed way too eager to have me drink...but I hadn't seen him take a sip yet.

_"You first."_

I watched as he threw back his drink with ease and then placed it daintily down on the marble counter.

_"Your turn."_

I looked down into the glass and swirled the liquid...there was no cloudiness, there was no odd odor as I brought it closer to my nose and the taste as it slid past my lips seemed normal.

But I should have known better.

The feeling hit me instantly.

The high.

The flying.

My hands had been shaking with tremors all morning and now...they were still.

He had drugged me.

The look of triumph on his face verified that.

_"Why?"_ I asked as I tried to push past the fog in my head.

_"You know why."_

_"What did you give me?"_

_"Speed-ball...you remember those...right?"_

I tried to nod my head but it felt like I was floating.

This was not what I wanted...I should have waited for Quinn.

My stupid fucking pride had landed me here.

_"What...do you want?"_ I moaned as my skin tingled and my breathing sped up.

I was really high...more high than I could ever remember being.

_"Your credibility...lets see you testify with drugs in your system."_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"This isn't funny Santana...where the fuck did you go? I came out of the salon and saw you walking with some guy and then when I call your name you didn't answer! It's been an hour...where are you?"  
_

I was frantically pacing on the sidewalk just outside of her truck.

My heart was racing...I should have gone after her.

This couldn't be good._  
_

_"You okay?"  
_

I turned and there was Celia walking up the street with Noah._  
_

_"No...I'm not."  
_

_"Is it Beth?" _Noah looked frantic now as he reached for his phone._  
_

_"No...it's Santana."  
_

Celia's whole face changed.

The smile that she had all morning was now a mask of worry._  
_

_"What did she do?"  
_

_"We were getting our nails done. We had a disagreement and so she stormed out. My nails weren't done...but the minute they were, I followed her and that's when I saw her walking across that intersection with some guy. I called her name and she didn't answer. I've been calling her for an hour and she isn't answering."  
_

_"Shit. Call Brittany."  
_

_"She's on a plane to Lima."  
_

_"Fuck...look keep calling. I'm going to call Gladys and Puck can you call Captain Dominguez...that's your boss right?"  
_

I watched as Ceily took charge of the situation.

This was the woman who I was marrying.

Her sister was missing...once again and she was taking charge like a soldier.

Like Sandra.

It was really hot.

Puck walked off with his phone and then I turned towards my fiancé._  
_

_"What am I missing, C?"  
_

_"That asshole...her professor...lives in Brooklyn. Do you remember which house it was? Walk with me?"  
_

I nodded and started walking in the direction that I had seen my friend go in._  
_

_"This is bad...I will never forgive myself if something happened..."  
_

Celia gripped my hand and pulled me forward._  
_

_"Don't talk like that."_

* * *

_"Do you see what I see?" _I didn't...not at first.

We had walked up to the next block and Celia was now cutting through cars to cross the street._  
_

_"What?"  
_

_"Ana?" _I heard her yell.

And that's when I saw her.

San was sitting on a stoop with blood covering her hands and her sweatshirt.

Her eyes were glazed over and she was staring straight ahead._  
_

_"Oh my God!"_

I dropped to my knees in front of her and looked into her eyes but what was met with a vacant expression.

She was really high.

And she was shaking._  
_

_"Sis...what happened...where are your shoes?"  
_

Celia was knelt down now too.

When I looked down at her feet, I could see that they were covered in blood too.

And when I looked behind her I could see that the steps had her bloody footprints on them._  
_

_"San? What happened?"  
_

_"I-I...I'm so sorry!"_ She covered her face with her blood covered hands and started to take deep breaths._ "Ay Dios...ay dios...ayudame!"  
_

And that's when the sirens started.

What had she done?

* * *

**_A/N: ;)  
_**


	47. Chapter 47:Harder to Breathe

**A/N: I love you guys! I feel good about where this is going. She had to break out of that shit. It was about freaking time. :) **

* * *

**Chapter 47: Harder to Breathe (Maroon 5)**

* * *

_**And that's when the sirens started.**_

_**What had she done?**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"I need you to tell me what happened!"  
_

_"I can't."  
_

I was sitting in the corner of the room with my arms wrapped around my knees.

I couldn't look anywhere but straight ahead.

What had I done?

How would this affect my kids?

My marriage?

My music career?

Why couldn't I just let Quinn pay for my stupid fucking manicure?

_"What do you mean that you can't? Do you realize how much trouble you are in?"  
_

_"Is he dead?"  
_

I looked up at Padrino and could see the worry in his eyes.

His hair was more gray than this morning...was that from me?

I am just a poison in everyone's lives.

Maybe they should lock me away!

_"Tell me what happened, Santana!"  
_

_"Is he dead? Did I fucking kill him? Just tell me!"  
_

I had begun to rock as my body felt like it was going to zoom across the floor.

Every time I felt tempted to rock forward, I would dig my nails deeper into my legs just to hold me steady.

Maybe he didn't know that I was high?

If he did...why was he trying to make me talk?

He had seen thousands of criminals...he should know not to question a person like this.

I just wanted to be home.

Just wanted to be in bed wrapped in Britt Britt with our kids.

This is not what I wanted.

_"Is that what your intent was?"  
_

_"Why does that matter?" _I snapped.

_"Because...there is a difference between first degree murder and self defense!"  
_

_"So he's dead, then?"  
_

_"No. He's alive and well."  
_

_"Fuck." _

I slammed my bloody hands against my forehead.

The blood was drying but the smell was still strong.

_"Tell me...what happened...please."  
_

When he leaned over and touched my face, it should have calmed me but it didn't.

The tears streamed down my face as I tried to be sober for him.

But I couldn't.

So I just tried to swallow my need to be held like a baby.

I had to be strong.

For him and for everyone.

_"That doesn't matter anymore, Pa." _

He was on his knees now.

He was touching my arms and trying to look in my eyes.

But I wasn't seeing him.

I just kept seeing what I had done.

Nobody could save me now...why couldn't he see that?

_"Of course it matters...you are covered in blood and you put a man into the ICU."  
_

He deserved worse than I had given him.

Why did it feel like Pa was on that asshole's side?

I couldn't be a baby.

Be strong Lopez.

_"But he's alive...right? He's going to live?"  
_

I wanted him to see my point.

_"Yes."  
_

See!

_"Then it doesn't matter what happened, Pa."  
_

He was on his feet again...angrier than before.

Angry at me for what I had done and for holding back.

But I had no other choice.

_"They are going to come in here and tear you apart...you know that right?"  
_

Fuck them!

_"Then let them come!"_

* * *

And come they did.

_"Come sit in this chair, Santana." _

The captain herself was here...and so I pushed to my feet.

Feeling like the distance between my seat against the wall and that chair was way too far.

I looked at her feeling desperate.

She nodded and came over to me.

Her perfume smelled like my mother's.

It comforted me.

_"I'm sorry." _I whispered as she helped me down into the chair.

She shook her head and then walked to the doorway.

_"Just talk to my friends here...and you won't be sorry anymore." _

She left me there in that cold chair.

My ass was hurting but I didn't move.

Two big dumb guys came into the room and stood across from me.

_"You tried to kill him?"_

I looked at them and even through my haze...I knew not to say a word.

Not without Mami...or Sal...or some other lawyer.

I dropped my chin to my chest and tried to lean forward.

My ass was burning but that didn't mean that my back had to.

How could these people not see that this was not something that I left unscathed from?

They kept throwing questions at me.

I didn't answer any of them.

After a while all I heard was the whip cutting through the air before landing across my back and my ass.

All I could feel was the drugs racing through my system.

Cocaine.

Heroin.

Acid.

Meth.

An unholy cocktail that should have killed me.

But here I was.

Alive.

Suffering.

I was going to die in here.

No one cared.

I had gotten way too good at hiding my addiction.

My high.

My symptoms.

Britt would know.

She would stop this.

But she wasn't here.

She had left me.

Again.

* * *

_"Are you ready to talk about what you did?"_

I was tired.

Still covered in blood and I felt like I was going to black out.

This was a never ending high.

Time kept zooming by.

I just wanted out.

_"No." _

_"This doesn't look good, TT." _

_"Seriously, Noah? Do you realize that I was at the top of our graduating class while battling a drug addiction, with a new baby in the hospital? Don't you think that I fucking know how fucked up this is?"_

I was leaning on my side against the wall.

As my high slowly came down a bit, the pain was becoming more real.

And hearing Noah tell me that I was in trouble...was just not what I needed.

Give a badass a badge and suddenly they are the fucking authority on how bad things are.

Thank you Captain Obvious!

_"They came in here and you didn't say anything...why won't you talk?"_

Because I don't have a lawyer.

My mother hasn't shown up.

She's probably pissed at me.

There are a number of reasons.

_"I'm talking to you, aren't I?"_

_"Fuck, Santana...this is not going to just go away! You can't just space out." _

Was he serious?

There was a buzzing and popping in my ears.

I felt like I was going to get violent.

He was just making this worse.

_"Leave."_

_"What?"_

_"I want you, to fucking leave me alone, Noah!" _

_"Fine...but-"_

_"Go Puckerman! Leave now!"_

I held a shaky finger towards the door as I turned my back to him.

He was just pissing me off.

I had to just work through this high.

In peace.

I just needed to think!

Why couldn't they see that?

* * *

I was pacing the interrogation room like a trapped animal.

My high was trailing off and my skin felt like it was going to detach itself from my body.

This wasn't how shit was supposed to be.

I slammed my drying palms against the wall over and over again.

Why were they keeping me?

It had been way too long now.

My mind was really cloudy...but I just knew...that at some point...

Fuck!

Think!

At some point I had some semblance plan.

At least I did when I was fully high.

Higher than now.

What had happened in that house was something that broke apart all my progress.

But I had won...at least that's how I felt when I walked out of there.

Now though...I was grasping at straws, trying to see what kind of deal I could strike up with the Captain.

I had compromised her case.

She had tried to be calm in front of me...but what if she wasn't _really_ calm.

I mean...why couldn't she have stayed to talk to me, herself?

The stupid cops she sent in here didn't know me.

They thought I was some crazy bimbo who had lost my mind.

How could she leave me with them?

Fuck them...they didn't know me.

She didn't know me.

I didn't walk into that house for shits and giggles.

He forced my hand.

And she had to know that.

But...

For all I knew she wanted my head on a platter.

What if she was going to take me down with him?

There were so many bad things that could happen.

This wasn't good...but at least for my sake it wasn't murder.

I didn't want to go that route again.

No...this was clearly self defense.

I had the bruises and cuts to prove it...some of this blood was mine after all.

* * *

_"What happened, Ana?"  
_

That was the first thing that she said before the door even closed._  
_

Her nose was stuffy...she had been crying.

Again.

At least she was showing some emotion.

Better than the way she had left me...

Cold and unfeeling.

_"Ahh...so Santana won't talk to anyone, so they sent in the big guns! Welcome back Britt Britt...how was your flight?"_

_"Don't play games with me...tell me what happened in that house. Please?!"_

She sounded pissed.

She should be.

But for the right reasons.

What did they tell her?

I stood against the far wall and stared into those eyes that I loved so much.

_"Why do you want to know? Why the fuck do you care all of a sudden?"_

I couldn't help the bitterness that was seeping through.

I wasn't mad at her.

Hell, I was happy to see her.

She was all I wanted...all that I needed.

But they had gotten to her.

_"I left because I had to."  
_

_"You fucking left me...for no fucking reason! Don't make me feel sorry for you, Brittany!"  
_

My heart was hurting me.

My soul was trying to rip from me and go to her.

To comfort the sad look in her eyes.

I was a mess.

I needed a shower.

There were countless fluids on me.

Of course no one would notice.

Blood just stood out better.

How could she even want to be next to me?

Or in the same room?

She sighed and sat at the metal table.

_"Come sit with me."_

_"No."_

_"Please sit with me."_

I heard the growl in her throat.

But I couldn't give in even though I wanted to.

_"No."  
_

I didn't need her fucking control issues right now.

That's what got me into this mess in the first place.

I could not submit to her.

I refused.

_"Ana...come sit with me."_

_"I fucking said no!"_

I said, turning too quickly and feeling the onset of a migraine.

I nearly toppled over but I pitched myself backwards and steadied myself against the concrete wall.

My back throbbed and I wanted to cry...but I couldn't.

Everything ached.

My brain hurt.

I hissed as my hands flew to my head.

The pounding intensified.

And as if the headache wasn't enough in the very next moment I felt the telltale trickle of blood.

Just like always.

Fucking snorting with a gun to my head had done this.

It had burned and had me questioning how this had been something I craved.

I was nauseous now but even in my haze, I knew that I had done it because I didn't want to die there.

What would be said about me?

This would not be my legacy!

So now, to add to the blood that covered me,

My nose was fucking bleeding.

She was on her feet in an instant and the next thing I knew, I was pressed back against the wall.

Pain and pleasure.

Fucking hormones.

I moaned when I felt her body against mine.

That's what HE had been trying to push me to.

He wanted me to break down and submit to him.

My high had always brought out the nymphomanic in me.

He knew that.

But Britt had broken that hold that Marco and HE had put on me.

She was my home ruler.

Britt was the only one that owned every inch of my body.

Not Marco, not Ian and definitely not HIM.

I wouldn't go down without a fight.

HE tried everything that HE could to break me.

But each pain just made me stronger.

And when I was sober, I would tell her so.

But for now...I needed her to not be here.

She had to be around for the kids.

Be for them...what I could never properly be.

A mother.

* * *

She hovered over me and ran her hands up my sides.

I shivered and she gave me a small smile.

I couldn't return it.

But then she kissed my forehead before she brushed my hair out of my face and I crumbled a bit.

She was being so sweet.

And it overwhelmed me.

My back was pressed to the wall and I could feel that my sweatshirt was stuck to my bloody back.

The pain was too much.

My high was almost weak enough to fight.

Which meant more tangible pain.

I was seeing white spots in my vision.

_"You're hurting me, Britt."_ I said in a colder voice then I intended. _"My back hurts...please...stop."_ I said a little softer.

She nodded and stepped back just enough for me to not be touching the wall.

The pressure eased as I stepped forward so that I was still pressed against her.

Even though I wanted her gone...I would take advantage of her touch while I still could.

When she saw that I was stable, Britt raised up my chin and looked directly in my eyes.

I knew they were glassy.

There was coke and heroin, among other things, in my system.

She bit down on her lip as she used her sleeve to wipe at my bloody nose.

This hurt her.

And it hurt me to know that it hurt her.

I hurt her.

_"How much did you take?"_ She whispered calmly.

_"I don't know." _

_"Powder or liquid."_

I felt my mind draw a blank.

Who knew what was in that glass...but that wasn't all that I had...right?

I had to close my eyes and think hard.

My nose was still gushing and the harder I thought...the more it gushed.

She had never asked that question before, I hadn't been prepared for it.

I wracked my brain for an answer for what seemed like an eternity.

My mouth was stuck open.

I took deep breaths as I tried to breathe, since she still had her sleeve blocking my nose.

Then finally, I opened my eyes and looked up at her.

I couldn't back down.

This wasn't my fault.

But I think she knew that.

I think?

_"Both."_ I said as I turned my face from her and used my palms to push her back more.

The touch I had craved moments before was becoming too much to handle.

I stepped to the side and leaned against the wall again.

She stood there and looked at me with her sweater sleeve all bloody...her favorite fucking sweater.

She didn't care though...instead she kept trying to read me.

What did she see when she looked at me?

Could she see what had happened?

What I had been through?

Could she see that I needed medical attention?

_"Did he hurt you?"_

Of course she did.

Britt sees things about me that no one else does.

I felt the tears clog my throat.

Everything was blurry.

But I couldn't cry.

I wiped at my eyes and then nodded.

_"Yes."  
_

_"You have to let me see...please? Let me help you, please babe?"  
_

I dropped my head and brought my hands up to block my ears.

She was too nice.

I didn't deserve to be touched by her.

Not like this.

She hadn't witnessed me just after...and I didn't want her to see just how bad things were.

So I had to ignore what she was saying.

Had to ignore the sweetness.

This wasn't what I wanted to hear.

_"Stop...stop...stop...please? Stop!"_ I whispered.

She was breaking down my will.

I wanted to explain everything to her.

I wanted her to understand that this was not me giving up or giving in.

This was about self-preservation.

She needed to be saved from me.

This was the only way to save our love.

This was about more than us.

It was about escape from everything that had brought me to the brink of destruction.

The less she knew...the better.

* * *

Britt finally left me alone even though it was hurting her to leave me laying there.

Laying flat on my stomach was the only way that I could have some relief and so she had sat with me.

She had said nice things to me.

She told me how she believed in me.

How we were still getting married and going to Disney World.

I wanted to believe her.

But I couldn't think about the happy things.

Not while I was like this.

So I didn't.

I wouldn't talk to her or even look at her and when she tried to touch me to see the state of my back, I started screaming.

She couldn't have the control back right now.

It was the only thing holding me together.

I needed it.

Like air.

So I was glad that she finally left me there.

She knew when to back down.

Thankfully.

Because I wasn't sure of where my head was in that moment.

Whatever I had taken, had me feeling like I was sober, coherent, but I was starting to think that I wasn't.

Things were just too out of character.

There were no tears or compassion from me.

I was losing it.

Losing me.

I just wanted to be left the fuck alone.

By everyone.

The voices were back and I could hear them louder than the sound of my breathing.

_**It's over. **_

_**It's over.  
**_

_**It's over.  
**_

_**It's over.  
**_

_**Junkie...junkie...junkie...junkie...junkie...junkie.  
**_

_"No!" **  
**_

I kept screaming as my face rested against the floor.

I probably looked crazy.

But I wasn't.

I was scared.

And lonely as I curled up into a fetal position.

I needed help but I didn't fucking want it.

But Britt knew me better...and I could tell she was watching.

She still was in control...even though I wanted to be.

* * *

I don't know when I blacked out.

But I did.

I'm not sure when they moved me from that room.

Or who moved me.

But they did.

When I woke up...I was plugged to machines, laying flat on my stomach.

Definitely an awkward position.

This wasn't what I had expected.

In jail...maybe.

But was I in jail?

Nope.

Instead I was in the last place that I wanted to be.

A fucking hospital.

When I went to brush my hair from my face, I couldn't.

I was in restraints.

Who ever heard of putting a person in restraints upside down?

Why was I even in them?

They thought I was crazy.

But I wasn't.

My headache was dull, probably because of the IV.

How can this be life?

And now...after what had felt like hours or days or weeks...I was finally sober.

Every image was sharper.

They were medicating me still...the buzzing of my body told me so.

But I was sober.

That was a fact.

I hissed as a draft hit my exposed back.

My skin burned.

My palms itched and my throat was on fire.

I was stuck.

I heard shuffling and was suddenly desperate.

_"Britt?"_

It was so dark and my breaths were coming up short.

There was no response.

I couldn't fucking breathe.

Why wouldn't she answer me?

I was screaming again.

But this time, my screams weren't as loud.

I sounded weak.

Crazy but weak.

I had to stop.

But the tears coming from me...were the product of the morning that I had.

I had been holding it in but now it was rushing towards me.

All at once.

_"San...please...San...stop! You're scaring him."_

And that's when I heard it.

My son.

He was crying.

I opened my eyes and turned my head in the opposite direction.

Towards the noise.

I wiped my eyes on the bed in the process.

When I lifted my head, I was met with the most beautiful eyes.

Isaac's eyes.

And then I realized how I must look.

This was not how I wanted him to see me.

Tied to a bed and out of my motherfucking mind.

_"Take him away."_ I begged.

_"San..."_ Quinn said as she held him to her chest.

But I wouldn't waiver on this.

My first memory was when I was two...it was fuzzy but it was a memory.

I didn't want him to have this be his first memory.

_"Please...just freaking do it...take him away and don't bring him back here...not while I'm like this."_ I whispered.

There were tears in her eyes but she just nodded.

I watched silently as she walked away.

_"I want Mami, Dama, please?"_

He was begging her but she knew that I was serious so she kept going until they were out the door.

He couldn't see me like this.

I couldn't spare him the burden of having me as his mother, but I could spare him from being traumatized.

This was too much for him...shit...it was too much for me.

I wanted to keep him in his Elmo world forever...or at least until I was finally going long stretches of time without the drama.

At least I could do that much...right?

* * *

My chest hurt as I sobbed into the bed.

How did things get so screwed up?

Where was Mami?

Where was Britt?

This crash from the drugs was making me feel sick.

But I couldn't remember the last time I ate, so I knew that it would be acid if it came up.

This was not how I wanted to be.

I was at the end of my rope.

I would talk...and do whatever I needed to do.

But I could not live like this anymore.

This would NOT happen to me again.

No drugs.

No surprise psychos coming from the woodwork.

My kids couldn't live like this.

I couldn't live like this.

There was more to life and I would have it.

I was an adult...soon to be twenty-one.

The games were over.

Now I just had to prove it.

I needed to live it.

The attitudes and sarcasm weren't doing me any good.

Being in this city was just screwing me up.

I had just bought a really great house...but it was too close to the madness.

I knew I wasn't screaming anymore but my cries were pretty loud.

Could anyone hear me?

Had this turned the tables on my life?

Would I be cut off longer?

Was Britt still in this?

Had I pushed too hard?

* * *

I sat in the corner of my room, staring out at the trees.

This wasn't a hospital.

That was my first realization when I was fully awake.

It was a new day.

The windows were open and spring was in full force.

A new life for the Earth.

And now that I knew where I was...I knew that this was a sign.

New life for me.

This was rehab.

And not just any rehab...this was MY rehab.

I was getting a second chance.

I should be in jail but I'm not.

Not yet.

But I knew what faith felt like.

Someone had faith in me.

The fact that I wasn't confined to that bed was a testament to that.

At some point during the night, they had taken my restraints off.

So when I woke up and I was able to step down onto the cold floor, I thanked God for it.

Of course...not everything was new because I had yet to stretch my body.

But when I did, the tears came along with the pain.

It was duller but I could feel it.

My skin was taut...which told me that I had stitches crisscrossing my back.

Which explains them laying me face down.

I had even woken up that way.

I nearly bit through my lip when the pain of moving ripped through me.

So I moved slowly.

It was almost robotic but at least I wasn't retrained...at least I wasn't in jail or dead.

I had taken the opportunity to clean myself up and then climbed onto the big comfy red chair next to the window.

Everything hurt so very bad.

But my back...had been the worst out of everything that I had gone through.

I knew that this was rehab and that pain medication was out of the question.

So I had to deal with it.

Hopefully though...it would dull more as the day went on.

I was feeling hungover and would just suffer through it.

Frankly, after yesterday...I was just glad to be alive.

* * *

Now that I was sober, everything came flooding back into my brain.

He wasn't dead, even though that was my intention as I carved into his flesh and tried to slit his throat.

I remember the gurgling of him choking on blood.

I had covered his wound...I was insane to try to stop the blood flow.

But I did.

Somewhere in my head I must have known not to go too deep.

Because who survives having their throat cut?

He had survived, something that my sober mind was very grateful for because death was too easy for him.

He needed to pay for everything he had done but not by my hand.

I had to trust the justice system.

What I knew for a fact was that he would never touch my children.

I was sure of that.

I just had to worry about the consequences of my actions.

Hopefully this hadn't screwed me up.

I had an ace up my sleeve...and I would use it if I had to.

Now seemed like that chance.

It felt good to finally strike back at him...but at what cost?

* * *

I heard the door open, but I didn't bother to move.

I didn't trust myself to move.

Besides, the pain was too intense.

_"Santana?"_

Not who I expected.

But that might be a good thing...right?

_"Hi Amy."_

I didn't even look at her as she sat down beside me.

It wasn't necessary.

_"How are you feeling?"_

In all of this...she was the first person to ask me how I was doing.

She had my attention because of it.

_"Empowered and determined." _

Usually when I speak to Amy or Dr. Clover, I'm used to the sound of scribbling after I speak...but there was no writing.

She was actually listening to me.

* * *

My voice was extra raspy but I wouldn't clear my throat.

It hurt too much and my chest hurt from him stepping on it.

Something was probably broken.

It was kind of hard to breathe.

But I was still here.

_"I brought your pills...do you want to take them for me?"_

I nodded and held out my hand.

She dropped five pills into my palm.

I looked down at them and then up at her.

_"There are two extra pills...what are they?"_

_"Methadone...it's going to help with the withdrawal symptoms that you are going to feel."_

I nodded and threw all the pills into my mouth.

My mouth was dry and I smiled when I saw her hand out.

She handed me a bottle of water and I quickly chugged the whole thing down, pushing past the pain of moving my neck.

I cringed and handed the bottle to her.

_"Thank you, Amy." _

_"Your welcome, Santana."_

_"I don't need rehab...I didn't take those drugs willingly. Just so you know."_

_"This is just a precaution...just to get you through the withdrawal crash and the days following them."_

_"Oh."_

_"Dr. Clover, your mother, Brittany and myself all agreed."_

_"Oh...okay."_

_"Is that okay with you?"_

I nodded and then flinched as the pain shot through me.

_"So how long am I here?"_

_"Seven days and if after that you don't feel strong enough to withstand the cravings that you will undoubtedly feel, then you can request to stay longer."_

_"Good."_

_"I'm glad you approve."_

_"Thank you Amy." _

_"This was all Brittany's idea...she convinced me that you didn't take those drugs on purpose. I think she pretty much convinced everyone."_

_"Yea?"_

I could tell that I was looking at her in shock as she spoke but she didn't show that she noticed.

She just looked ahead out of the window.

_"Santana...a lot of people want to talk to you about what happened yesterday...including me...but only when you feel ready to talk about it. Just know...that you can't push this down, not like you did as a child. This is bigger than Marco Vega or anything else."_

I nodded and then reached my hand out.

_"Could you just hold my hand...please?"_

She looked hesitant but after a moment she took my hand in hers.

She didn't say anything else.

We just quietly sat there.

I was waiting for the pills to kick in.

For my brain to stop being so foggy.

Things were out of control and there was no way that I could fix things if I was in a haze.

I could feel it.

Soon enough...I would be back to myself.

* * *

**_A/N: Your reviews were amazing! Love you guys...death is too kind ;)_ **


	48. Chapter 48:Run

**Chapter 48: Run (P!nk)**

* * *

**_Things were out of control and there was no way that I could fix things if I was in a haze._**

**_I could feel it._**

**_Soon enough...I would be back to myself._**

* * *

**Gladys' POV**

* * *

_"Beya...I no good."_

_"You need air, papi?"_

_"Si, Beya. I need air!"_

_"Okay...lets go to your room...okay?"_

_"Si, Beya."_

_"Hector! Come get Isaac!"_

My grandson looked up at me with my daughter's face and I couldn't help but smile.

I had been really excited when Ana had asked me to watch him this morning because I hadn't really had the chance to spend time with him since he left the hospital.

I lifted him up into my arms and rubbed his back while he rested his head on my shoulder.

He looked like he was in serious pain and I definitely don't like to see him that way.

_"Hector! Amor?"_

I was holding him tightly and continued to rub his back as we walked into the house.

He had been fine at church and the half block walk back but apparently it had been too much for him.

Too much, too soon.

_"Hey little man! You okay?"_

It warms my heart every time that I see that little face light up when he sees Hector.

Sometimes I wonder how Aden would be with him.

Would Isaac's face light up the same way?

_"He needs a treatment...can you take him up and give it to him? I need to call Anita...she should have gotten to Quinn's by now."_

* * *

I should have known that her going to Brooklyn was a bad idea.

I just didn't know how bad.

_"Hello?"_

_"Anita...where are you?"_

_"I...uh...I'm in Brooklyn just like...um just like I told you I would be. How's Isaac?"_

_"He's getting a treatment. Are you okay, you sound off? Did you see Quinn?"_

_"Uh...yea. Just left the nail salon a while ago. Listen Mami, Te quiero...but I really need to go. Kiss Isaac for me. Tell him that I love him...and I love you...so much!"_

_"I lo-" _

She hung up in my ear and when I tried to call her back, I went straight to her voicemail.

She sounded way too strange.

My heart was racing thinking of what trouble she could be in.

So after feeding Isaac and putting him down for a nap...I decided that I didn't like how the phone call made me feel.

Especially since I didn't hear Quinn in the background.

Maybe she argued with Quinn?

* * *

_"Hi Gladys...I was just about to call you."_

_"Why? What's wrong?"_

She was crying and there was a lot of noise in the background.

Something was seriously wrong.

_"Can you meet us down at the police station...something happened."_

_"What happened?"_

_"It's San...she's...being brought in for questioning...she's covered in blood...and she's...uh..."_

_"She's high?"_

_"Um...yea...very high. I called Brittany...she just landed in Dayton and is getting another flight in a half hour back here."_

_"Is Ana hurt?"_

_"It's pretty hard to tell...she's not talking. We are in a cab following the police car to the station."_

_"She knows not to say a word...just talk to Noah and you make sure that they don't get too rough with her...I'll see you soon."_

_"I'm sorry about this...I...this is my fault." _

_"I'll see you soon."_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I sat between my new fiance and Noah trying everything that I could to stop the tears from coming down.

But they wouldn't stop.

_"You need to breathe, Luce."_

I nodded as Celia threw her arm around me.

_"I should have followed her...this wouldn't have happened." _

_"You don't know that. You would have been in danger too."_

_"I do know...she would have fought harder if she thought that I would be in danger." _

_"Stop it...no more talking like this...we need to be positive. My sister has worked really hard to stay sober and I just don't think that she would give it up so easily...she just tried to kill that asshole...there is more to the story than we know."_

_"I know...I agree. I mean ye-" _

My phone went off as we pulled into the station.

I didn't even bother to look at the caller id.

I knew who it was.

_"Quinn?"_

_"Hey Britt." _

_"I'm getting on the plane soon...is she okay...is she hurt?"_

_"We don't know yet...she is covered in so much blood...I'm not sure how much of it is hers, though."_

_"I knew that I shouldn't have left her...this never should have happened." _

_"I think that we can't waste time thinking about what we should have done, B...San wouldn't want us to blame ourselves. Just get here. She needs you."_

_"You're right...okay...okay...I'll see you in an hour."_

* * *

When we got to the police station, San was limping and shaking as she walked by us with one of the officers.

They let me and Celia sit in the room on the other side of the interrogation room, just to keep an eye on her and it was not a pretty sight.

Blood was caked on her face, her neck and on her clothing.

She kept screaming and slapping the walls.

It was like watching a wild animal pacing.

At one point she tried to flip the table but then she screamed in pain and fell to the floor.

I was leaning against the mirror crying when I heard the door behind me open.

_"Why isn't anyone in there with her?"_

I turned and saw Hector and Gladys come in holding a sleeping Isaac.

Celia looked at me and gave me a painful smile.

I knew what she was going to say and immediately I was shaking my head.

The last thing I wanted to do was to leave San.

Not like this.

Ceily stood up and placed her hands on either side of my face and then leaned in until we were inches apart.

Her dark green eyes stared deep into mine and with them she was pleading.

I sighed when she kissed me and then pulled away and looked me in the eyes again.

_"Take him home with you...there is nothing else that you can do here...and plus you need to go pick up Beth soon. Puck isn't going to make it to her show tonight, they are going to want him here since he is close with Ana...so you have to go. Izzy trusts you and right now...he needs you and so does your daughter. Go to the play...be there for Beth, don't be like Judy...don't let anything distract you from Beth, not even this...okay?"_

_"Okay." _

_"Good...now go before her screaming wakes him up." _

And so that's what I did.

I took Izzy from Hector and headed home, even with San screams ripping through the station...I did what I had to do.

She would want me to make sure that Izzy was okay.

* * *

**Gladys' POV**

* * *

_"You were too hard on her."_

Hector was frustrated but I stood by my daughter.

She was sick and he was making it worse.

_"I was not too hard on her, Gladys...she isn't telling us what happened, I was trying to get through to her. That is a lot of blood on her...we need answers!"_

He was yelling now and it worried me, so I pushed him into a chair and rubbed at his shoulders.

_"Amor...she isn't herself right now. She's in shock and she's high on God knows what. The police just got a warrant to search his house. She just needs to make it through this high and be more coherent." _

_"You should talk to her." _

_"Not until she is sober and away from cameras...she isn't thinking and I don't want them to hold that against her. She needs to be sober...which is what I suggested for you to wait for...but you didn't listen?"_

_"You could get her to talk...I know it!" _

_"No! Right now, that is the last thing that she needs. Right now...all she needs is Brittany and thankfully Celia just went to go meet her at the airport."_

_"Santo! You're right, it just...it kills me to see her like this." _

The door opened and in walked the Captain.

_"Gladys...Hector...I'm going in there to get her to sit and calm down a bit...the officers here want to talk to her." _

_"She's not going to talk to them...you know that, right?" _

_"I know...that's what I'm hoping for actually. We can still save this investigation...we just need to let these guys do their job, first. Hopefully once Brittany gets here...Santana will relax enough for us to transport her to the hospital." _

_"She should be here soon."_

* * *

_"What's wrong with her back?" _

Brittany stood beside me as Noah sat talking to Anita.

I could see the torture on my daughter's face and knew that we needed to do something soon.

But the assholes in the station were trying to make a case and so now I was waiting for the A.D.A to show up while we just tried to keep her calm.

Brittany was shifting beside me with tears in her eyes.

She was anxious as she rocked Daniela in her arms.

And I didn't blame her for that.

Because I was anxious too...I just couldn't show it.

Too much rode on me maintaining my composure.

But at the end of the day, that was my baby in there.

_"I'm not sure, Brittany." _

_"She hasn't seen a doctor yet?"_

_"No." _

_"Ma...she's in bad shape...she needs a doctor. She wasn't even in this much pain when she was in labor. She needs help...a doctor...something!" _

_"And she will get a doctor...but right now...more than anything...she just needs you."_

* * *

Back when Anita was in that coma and everyone wanted to condemn Brittany, I stood by her.

Everyone thought that I was crazy, including Hector but my gut is never wrong.

Brittany loves my daughter and there is no way that she was in her right mind back then.

A few times since then I have questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing,

But every time that I start to doubt her, without fail, Brittany surprises me.

She went into that room and she got Ana to relax and to crumble a little.

It was progress.

If anyone could get through to my daughter, it is the girl that she loves.

So while I rocked my granddaughter in my arms and watched, I had nothing but faith in my daughter-in-law.

Relief washed through me when I watched as Brittany got Anita to lay down and rest.

Even if it was on the floor.

The back of her sweatshirt was now completely soaked with blood and her skin was starting to get ashy.

She was worse than I had previously thought.

_"Hector...tell the captain and whoever else that we are not waiting for the A.D.A...she needs an ambulance...now!" _

As Hector rushed out of the room, Brittany came back in...with blood on her sweater, looking pale and broken.

She was silently crying as she looked at me.

I wrapped her in my arms and waited patiently as she cried against me.

_"We are calling the ambulance...you did good in there." _

_"She's in so much pain...and she's so high...she's scared, Ma and so am I." _

Daniela started whining and I pulled away.

_"Take the baby...I'm going to go in there and sit with her until the ambulance gets here." _

_"I want to go to the hospital...I don't...I don't want the baby to see her like this." _

_"I'll take her Brittany."_

Hector walked back into the room with the Captain right behind him.

_"Are you sure, Pa?"_

_"Absolutely...Isaac is already with Quinn and she is expecting Daniela as well."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"I don't care ma'am...I cannot share information with you if you are not her next of kin." _

_"That's bullshit!"_

_"I don't make the laws...I am just doing my job so either find me her next of kin or I will have you forcibly removed from this ward." _

I stormed from the room as I watched them strap her down to the bed.

That was not what she needed.

She was screaming with her eyes closed and swinging at the doctors.

Gladys was talking to the cops in the lobby and Hector had taken the baby so now I was alone at the hospital feeling hopeless.

They wouldn't even let me stand in the hallway anymore...they insisted that I had to leave the ICU.

I was pacing the waiting room...feeling like I was going to explode when my phone went off.

**_On my way back upstairs, is everything okay?-Ma_**

My hands were shaking as I quickly typed out a message.

**_They kicked me out because I'm not related.-Brittany_**

**_What?! I'll be there in a second, you two need to get married already...this is ridiculous!-Ma_**

**_I agree.-Brittany_**

**_I'm going to fix this, for all of us. Nobody is going to hurt her like this again.-Ma_**

* * *

I am so grateful for my mother-in-law, because with her help, the doctors started listening to me.

They took her out of those damned restraints and once they were done stitching her up, I demanded that they transfer her.

There was nothing life threatening about her injuries and so I wanted her to crash from her high in a safer place.

I had been on the phone with Amy and I had been talking to Dr. Clover because she would need them after this.

Every day since that day where she slipped up with Isaac in her arms, I had been in constant contact with Dr. Clover and now with Amy too.

They both agreed with me that having her crash in rehab was the best thing for her.

So with Gladys' approval, we got her transferred before the night was over.

Before that though, while she was still in restraints she had been begging to see Izzy.

She was screaming and begging so badly that it was making her sick.

So we called Quinn and asked her to bring him.

We thought it would calm her but when she saw him, she immediately demanded that Quinn take him away.

She was coming down from the drugs badly now and had managed to rip her stitches.

Now that they saw how bad she was, the doctors were even more afraid to let her leave but when Gladys threatened to sue, they got over themselves.

* * *

When we got to the rehab, they hooked Ana up to IVs and then gave me ointment for her back.

She had hundreds of stitches on her back.

What skin she had left had been shredded and you could see the muscle underneath.

It was really bad.

Gladys made them promise her that Ana wouldn't get an infection when she left the hospital and even though they wanted to argue that she should just stay at the hospital, they finally told Gladys that if we put cream on her back and wrapped it up every few hours...that she should be fine.

Thankfully, by the time that I had to change her bandages though, she was knocked out.

I had them knock her out so that she would get some sleep without moving too much.

Me and Gladys had only seen a small amount of her back in the hospital and that looked bad.

But apparently it was worse.

We weren't prepared for what we saw when we took off her bloody bandages.

Her skin was swollen and pulled tight.

She would have a lot of scars and I was grateful that she wouldn't be able to see just how bad it was.

I couldn't stop crying as I looked her body over.

There were bruises on the back of her neck from him grabbing her, bruises on her wrists from the restraints and now I could see...that she had track marks on the inside of her knees.

He had done that to her.

I got sick just from looking at all the damage that he had done to the woman that I loved.

_"What if he gets away with this?"_ I whispered as I squeezed a damp sponge into a bowl before dabbing blood away.

_"I had the doctors come in and do a rape kit, they took pictures of her body...he is not going to get away with this, Brittany. I promise. That pendejo is going to get what's coming to him."_

Gladys looked like she was on the verge of tears as she growled out her promises to me.

In that moment, she looked more like Ana than ever before.

She had that quiet anger that Ana had.

It was scary.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"Dama...where's Mami?"_

I looked down at Isaac and felt my heart clench.

All day, he had been looking for her and now he stood there holding Dani's hand, with tears in his eyes.

_"She's sick, Izzy...Mama is on her way."_

_"Mami hurt?" _Dani said with big eyes.

I just nodded.

What can you say to a two-year old about their victimized mother?

The tears started to track down his face as he looked at me for a long time before turning to his sister and hugging her.

She looked sad too.

_"Mom? Auntie B is here!"_

Beth called from the other room.

I felt a huge relief lift from me.

_"Your Mama is here, guys."_

Dani's face lit up but Izzy looked devastated.

He was really attached to San and so I knew that even though he loved Britt, he wanted his Mami.

* * *

When I saw Britt she looked exhausted.

_"Hey, B."_

She smiled softly and then scooped up Dani and kissed her face before resting a hand on Izzy's head.

_"Thanks for watching them."_

_"You know, it's never a problem...are you going to stay here tonight or head over to TriBeCa?"_

_"I think I'm going to take them back to the apartment...I just...want to be home."_

_"Are you going to be alright alone?"_

She dropped her head and her shoulders shook but no tears fell.

She was trying not to break in front of the kids.

Especially, not in front of her son, who was watching her closely.

And she knew it.

_"I'm not...I'm not sure." _

_"Look, Ceily is on a flight back to Miami to escort Sandra here...if you want me and Beth can come back to the apartment with you for the night."_

She looked up with hope in her eyes.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Absolutely." _

_"Thank you, Quinnie."_

She hugged me and then put Dani down on her feet.

Izzy, I guess realized that at least one of his mom's was here because the moment that Dani was on the floor, he was holding his hands up.

She smiled and picked him up and hugged him tight.

_"Okay Mama?"_ He asked as he touched Britt's face.

_"I am now, Izzy."_ She kissed his face and tickled his stomach and he laughed.

It was the most pleasant sound in the world, especially in that moment when we were all feeling a bit lost without San.

* * *

_"Good night, baby girl."_

I tucked Beth in next to me on the sofa bed and she snuggled tightly against me.

_"Mom?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Is Auntie Tana going to be okay?"_

_"I hope so, baby...I really hope so."_

_"Is she going to die?"_

I looked down at her and could see how wide her hazel eyes were as she looked at me with worry.

_"No...she's going to be okay...we just have to have faith that God will help her get better."_

_"Was that her blood on Auntie Britt's shirt?"_

_"Yes."_ I whispered as I hugged her tight.

_"That was a lot of blood." _

_"I know, baby." _

_"When can I see her?"_

_"Who, Auntie Tana?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Soon...but right now she just needs to get better."_

_"Seeing us will make her better." _

_"Soon enough, Beth...lets get some sleep okay?"_

_"Okay."_

I closed my eyes and thought of my best friend, covered in blood and spaced out.

She had been a wreck and from what Britt told me, she only got worse after I left.

This just didn't seem fair, I wish that I could take just an ounce of her sadness and pain.

_"Mom?"_

I shook from my thoughts and looked into Beth's eyes again.

It was going to be a long night.

She was wide awake even though it was the middle of the night.

_"Yes, honey?"_

_"Does Auntie Tana love me?"_

_"Of course she does, baby. She's your godmother." _

_"My Dama?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Can I call her that?"_

_"You'll have to ask her." _

_"Okay." _

_"Good night, Beth."_

_"Mom?"_

_"Yes, baby?"_

I couldn't help but smile.

My daughter was so much like me, she was precocious and inquisitive and endlessly stubborn.

_"Will you love me always?"_

_"Always and forever, baby girl."_

I hugged her tight and then kissed her head.

_"I love you, too."_

And that right there...is what I live for.

* * *

**Gladys' POV**

* * *

Brittany finally left for the night after I just about forced her out of the door.

And when she did, I had an orderly push a bed next to my daughter's.

She looked so small and delicate as she took shallow breaths.

As I watched her, I finally released all the pain that I had been holding in.

_"Ay mi'ja, This is not the life that I wanted for you. Filled with so much pain and sadness."_ I wiped the cool washcloth between the stitched up, angry gashes on her back and tried not to sob too loudly. Even in her sleep, she flinched when I touched her back. At times like this, I wished that Aden was alive, so that he could see the path that he had set her on. It wasn't fair that he was spared this reality. She was paying for the sins of her father and I wouldn't stand for it any longer. _"When we put that bastard away, I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that you start to live the life that you deserve. You are going to marry Brittany and then you are going to take those kids far away from here. Go stay on the island for a while. You haven't properly healed since you lost that baby all those years ago. You started to when you moved away by yourself but you need to heal with Brittany and your children. I will pay for it myself...I don't care...you just need to get away from here and I'm going to make that happen. I promise you."_

_"Mami?"_

I looked at her face and could see that there were tears streaking down her face.

_"Mi'ja?"_

_"I'm sorry." _She moaned out.

_"Don't be...just rest."_

_"It hurts." _

I slowly started to put ointment on her back and she sighed.

_"Better?"_

_"Yes." _She whispered.

_"Good. Now...rest...I'll be right here if you need me." _

_"Te quiero, Mami."_

_"Y tu tambien." _

She gave a little smirk and then closed her eyes.

Odds are she probably wouldn't remember even seeing me here, since I planned to be gone when she woke up...but that little moment with her, meant the world to me.

* * *

When Santana was born, she was a miracle baby.

I wasn't allowed to touch for her a long time...but when I finally did I never wanted to stop.

She was always smiling and giggling.

The way she looked at the world was still beautiful and untainted.

Aden would always catch me watching her as she peacefully slept in the middle of the night.

I would just hover, singing to her and brushing my fingers through her beautiful dark curls whenever she stirred a bit.

Everything about her was perfect and beautiful.

I would never have imagined, all those years ago that this is how we would end up.

Me once again hovering over her as she slept...but this time, her sleep wasn't peaceful.

She was in a tremendous amount of pain and kept crying out in her sleep.

The only thing that was still relevant was the fact that I could touch her and sing to her and her face would even out.

At one point she even smiled.

She was still my baby and I would always be there for her.

I wouldn't let her hurt anymore.

God was making me atone for all the time that I had left her...even when it wasn't necessary.

She needed me now.

I would fight for her.

I would hold her hand.

And I would make sure that no matter what...she would always know just how much I love her.

Just how proud of her I am.

* * *

_**A/N: This was a filler chapter. I needed to get it out of my system...and now that it's out...I will focus on the trial ahead. I hope it didn't bore you lot too much. ;) Lots of love! P.S. All mistakes are mine...of course.** _


	49. Chapter 49:Wipe Your Eyes

**_A/N: Real life happens. Vacation was awesome...this cold isn't...but I'm here. :) I hope you are too!_  
**

* * *

**Chapter 49: Wipe Your Eyes (Maroon 5)**

* * *

**_I would fight for her._**

**_I would hold her hand._**

**_And I would make sure that no matter what...she would always know just how much I love her._**

**_Just how proud of her I am._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Are you sure this is what you want to do?"_

_"I'm sure. She needs me and I want to be here with her."_

_"This is not something that we normally do...you know that right?"_

_"Look...I have struggled with addiction myself and so I'm an addict too. I'm not asking you to treat me any different from the other patients. I want you to treat me the same. I can't leave her alone...she needs me."_

_"Have to talked to her about this?"_

_"No...because I know that if I do, then she will try to stop me and I can't let that happen."_

_"What do you think, Amy?"_

Dr. Clover smiled softly at me and then looked over at Ana's therapist as she walked into the room.

She looked at him a long moment and then sat down on the couch next to me.

_"I think that it's a good idea. I just sat with her and she isn't acting like an addict. She's hurting and is feeling sensitive but she doesn't regret what she did. She needs to stay like this...open and willing to ask for help. If Brittany stays with her...she won't have the time to pull away into herself. It's just seven days. If she decides that she needs to stay longer...then I wouldn't suggest Brittany staying for that time...but for the next seven days, I don't think that it's such a bad idea."_

I couldn't hold back the smile on my face as Dr. Clover nodded in agreement and headed over to his desk to make a phone call.

He sat at his desk and began to take notes and have a serious conversation.

I couldn't believe how quickly he was taking care of things.

Amy rested a hand on my knee and smiled at me. _  
_

_"Are you sure about this Brittany?"  
_

_"Yes."  
_

_"Well then in that case...we need to discuss some things."  
_

_"Okay."_

* * *

_"Hey B...what's up?"  
_

_"Can I talk to you guys about something?"  
_

_"Anything...you know that." _Quinn said as she turned towards me._  
_

I held my old Cheerios duffel bag over my shoulder as I stood in the apartment kitchen.

She was feeding the girls and she looked really exhausted.

I could tell that she hadn't slept at all.

Thankfully she wasn't alone.

Celia held Izzy on her lap and was reading to him._  
_

_"First of all...thank you both for watching the kids while I went to see Ana...second...I need a huge favor...from both of you."_

Celia looked at me and then put Izzy down on the floor with his book.

He smiled as he flipped through the pages, no longer paying any attention to us.

_"Okay...what's up?"_

_"I need you guys to watch them for a couple more days." _

_"How many days?_" Celia asked, raising her eyebrows.

_"You know I don't mind, B...but why days?"_

_"Seven days...well...six more days. I admitted myself at the rehab just for this little bit of time that she's there...she needs me." _

_"And her doctors agreed to this?"_ Quinn looked surprised.

_"She needs me."_ I said.

I had expected Celia to give me a hard time about this but I thought that of all people, that Quinn would understand why I was doing this.

I guess that I was wrong.

Celia looked over at Quinn and nodded.

_"Luce...I think that it's a good idea. Who better to help my sister through this than her wife?"_

_"It's just...how do we know that you won't just get in the way and slow down her progress?"_

I could tell that Quinn was worried about Ana falling back into old habits now that she had drugs in her life again.

Her lack of faith really bothered me sometimes.

Especially right now when being talked out of this was exactly what I didn't need.

* * *

_"Beca-"_

I went to respond but Celia cut me off.

_"Brittany knows my sister better than you do, Luce. She gets her and if the doctors agreed to this...they must know something that we don't."_

I nodded not wanting to tell too much about what Ana had said to Amy earlier even though it wasn't bad.

I just didn't want to get anyone's hopes up.

Ana had fallen into her habits before when we thought everything was good...so what would stop her now?

Which is why I needed to be there with her.

_"Look, Q...I know you have your hands full with Beth...I can ask Gladys or Sandra since she is in town...I just thought that I would come to you first."_

I shrugged and shifted the bag to my other shoulder.

Exhaustion was setting in and I was ready to just take a really long nap because I needed to get back to the center before it got dark.

Ana didn't know that I was coming and I wanted to keep it that way before roll call at mass in an hour.

_"The kids are in good hands Brittany...just go take care of my sister. Keep us updated."_

_"Yea...go ahead, B."  
_

Quinn looked upset but it was Celia that surprised me._  
_

Celia was on her feet, with her hands on my shoulders and looking at me with a serious smirk.

She looked me in my eyes for a long time and then pulled me in for a hug.

She was shaking.

This scared her and she didn't want anything to get in the way of Ana getting better.

Not even Quinn.

_"It's going to be okay, Celia...she's going to be okay." _

_"She gave us quite a scare yesterday...I can't help but worry." _

_"I know...and we are going to do everything to keep her from going to the dark side...you know how easy it is for her to get lost in the bad stuff...right now she is still in a good place...but that can change. That's why she needs me."_

_"I know...and I'll worry about Quinn...you just help her through this. Okay?"_

_"I promise you...Ana's in good hands." _

_"Good. I love you, Brittany. Thank you so much."_

My heart felt so happy.

This was a big step in my relationship with one of the sisters...which over a year later was still damaged by what I had done to Ana in that theater.

This was a good thing.

Definitely just what I needed.

Hope.

* * *

When I got back to the rehab, Dr. Clover met me in his office.

He seemed nervous about something but in a split second he was back to normal as he pointed towards the couch.

_"I need to run some things by you."_

I nodded as I sat on the edge of the couch.

_"Okay...what's up?"_

_"If you are going to be here...that means you have to be a real patient. No phone, no sex, no cursing, no sinful behavior. It's very religious in here...even with the welcoming nature we have when it comes to gays. Just be careful. I have assigned you to the room with Santana but that doesn't mean that you can sleep in the same bed with her. I know that you two are just about married but it's a rule that I want you to stick to."_

I nodded as he continued to tell me how much I needed to blend in.

He didn't want any of the other patients to feel like Ana was getting special treatment.

And neither did I, even though she definitely was.

_"This is all fine. I agree to follow all the rules...just as long as I can be there with her." _

_"Good...that means that you will submit to a drug test, wear a uniform and pick up chores." _

_"Okay."_

_"Well then let's get you sorted. Mass is set to start in about twenty minutes."_

_"How is Ana getting there?"_

_"Amy is still here...she's going to help her around." _

_"Oh...okay...but I can do that from now on right?"_

_"Anything she needs in that room...but while she is moving around...someone else will help her. One of the sisters...you two will be assigned kitchen duty. It's the least intensive chore and you will be able to help her through that. I don't want her to depend on you completely. Santana needs her independence." _

_"You're right...I don't want to smother her."_

* * *

Mass had already started as I sat down in the back of the chapel with Dr. Clover next to me.

I could see Ana sitting off to the side in a wheelchair, leaning forward with her rosary in her hands with her eyes closed.

She was in a trance.

Ana never really got this into her prayers unless the world was coming down around her.

Normally when she prayed this hard, she didn't notice anything or anyone around her.

Her skin glowed and her hair would hang covering her face as her fingers moved over the beads.

She was praying hard and even with everything that she had been through, she was still the most beautiful person in the room.

I was awestruck.

That was of course until I felt an elbow poke my side.

_"Pay attention." _

Dr. Clover handed me the rosary that I had given him with my personal belongings.

It was the rosary that I had given her for Christmas that I had started wearing.

Being this close to Ana and seeing that she was alright allowed me to focus on other things for the moment.

It allowed me to think about my children and my parents,

And about all the stress and pain in our lives.

My heart ached as I closed my eyes.

Dr. Clover was right to get my attention.

I nodded and began to pray silently.

If I was going to be here, I could use it as a time to heal me too.

Things with me hadn't been so good.

My parents were still going through money issues and even though I had set out to help them the day before, I never even got to see them.

I had explained things to Gladys and she had promised me that she would take care of it and to focus on Ana but I was still concerned.

But even though I was still worried...I trusted Gladys and knew that if she said that she would take care of it, that I could trust that she would.

Even if I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of my parents.

But if I wanted Ana to trust in people and not pull away...then I needed to do the same thing.

I couldn't help her heal and wipe her tears if I was pulling away too.

There was a lesson in this for all of us.

Especially for Ana and for me.

* * *

Mass ended and everyone headed into the mess hall.

Ana was pushed to a table in the back of the room near the doors and plugged into an IV.

She still had her eyes closed and was clutching the green and silver beads of her rosary.

Dr. Clover still walked beside me as we entered and leaned next to my ear.

_"You can grab some food and then go sit with her. Sister Devenpeck will guide you through kitchen duty and then lights out at nine. Good luck Brittany." _

_"Thanks."_

I headed over to the food line and took the opportunity to look at the other patients.

Most of them looked worse than Ana ever did.

One girl even had needle holes in her arms and hands.

This was what me and the family feared for Ana.

And if we let her...she would be just like them.

I took a deep breath as I thought of Ana curled up in a ball, craving drugs like I had seen in the movies.

She had been so good at hiding all of the symptoms but I'm sure that in her weaker moments...she had been just like that.

I thought back to how sickly she looked back at cheer camp.

How skinny she had been.

She had been deeper into drugs in that time in her life than ever after that.

I never wanted her to get back there.

Amy had told me that she felt determined to fight drugs.

But Ana had said things like that while she was on drugs...she had lied so many times.

What made this time any different?

That was the question in Quinn's eyes earlier.

I had recognized it because somewhere deep down, I had felt the same way.

But I had faith in Ana.

I was giving her all of my attention.

This was something that we would do together.

I knew that she would have moments where she would try to protect me from everything or try to push me away.

But I wouldn't allow it.

Not now...not ever.

* * *

I sat down across from my wife who still had her eyes closed.

I didn't want to interrupt her prayers.

So I didn't.

Instead, I just happily crunched on my fries and tried to act like this was just a normal dinner at home.

_"Britt?"_

I looked up from my food and could see her looking at me with squinted eyes.

_"Hey, Ana." _

_"What are you doing here? Why are you wearing that?"_

She didn't look upset like I thought she might...just confused.

_"I'm a patient...just like you for the next seven days." _I whispered._ "I'm just here to help but I won't smother you...I promise."_

She looked around the room and then leaned forward even more.

_"Dr. Clover is okay with this?"_

I nodded and bit down on another fry.

They were really good here.

_"They signed off on everything...just for seven days...if you decide to stay...I can't. I just...want to be here with you. Please let me?"_

She had no choice but I still didn't want her to feel like I was controlling things...even if I was.

She cracked a small smile and then nodded before sitting up a bit.

_"Okay...I guess...that's okay. I'm way more comfortable with you helping me wash myself then any of the nuns in here."_

I smiled at her attempt to lighten things between us.

* * *

That night after we finished up kitchen duty, I wheeled Ana back to our room.

Once we were behind closed doors, I felt much better.

I didn't like how everyone seemed to be watching me.

How could anyone recover like this?

This made me happy that mom had taken me in after my nervous breakdown.

Being in a place like this, would have just made me worse.

Ana climbed out from her wheelchair and walked slowly over to the bathroom.

_"Let me help you?"_ I said as I walked beside her and held onto her elbow.

_"I just need to pee...I did it all by myself earlier...it's no big deal."_

She stood in the doorway of the bathroom looking at me with sad eyes.

I remembered Dr. Clover telling me to let her be independent.

So I just nodded and stepped to the side.

_"Okay...I will be right here if you need me."_

She smiled and nodded as she walked into the bathroom, leaving the door open.

_"Thanks B."_ She said as I watched her use the handrail to lower herself onto the toilet.

From the edge of my bed, I could see straight into the bathroom.

She held her head down and stared into the bowl as she peed.

I could see that she was in pain.

I just couldn't tell if it was her back or somewhere else.

* * *

I had pulled out Henry and was reading the first entry when I heard a sob.

My head snapped up and I could see that she was still sitting there but now she had her hands over her face.

_"Ana?"_ I called to her as I dropped the journal onto the bed and made my way over to the bathroom door.

_"I'm fine."_ She whimpered as she tried to pull herself up.

_"Please...don't shut me out."_ I begged.

She looked up at me with dry eyes and an expression that had pain written all over it.

Her lip was caught between her teeth as she finally held her hands up.

_"Help me?"_ She said in barely a whisper.

I didn't rush as I walked across the cold tile floor.

I didn't want to seem desperate.

Which of course was silly because she had asked for my help.

I leaned over and put my hands softly on her hips and pulled gently.

She hissed out as she stood to her feet.

I was about to step back but I felt her clutching at my shirt.

_"I'm here, babe. I'm not going anywhere...just...let me wipe you?"_

It was embarrassing to ask and I could feel the heat of my blushing...which was stupid.

She nodded and leaned against me as I ran the tissue over her.

My fingers brushed her flesh and I could feel how swollen she was down there.

_"Fuck."_ She muttered.

_"Does it hurt?"_

_"Yea."_ She said as I tossed the tissue into the toilet and hit the button above it.

I didn't ask anything else.

She would tell me when she was ready.

And I wasn't really sure that now was the time.

* * *

_"So how are you this morning, Brittany?"_

I was in my private session with Dr. Clover while Ana was going with Amy and Gladys to a doctor's appointment at the hospital.

I was annoyed that I couldn't go...but I was a patient and there was no reason for me to leave.

This was what I had signed up for.

_"Tired." _

_"How was your first night...after dinner?"_

_"At first, Ana wanted to be independent but then the pain kicked in and she realized that I was there to help her. So she let me. I helped her take a bath and then changed her bandages and helped her into bed. She even let me read to her until she fell asleep." _

_"That sounds good...so why are you so tired."_

_"Because I didn't sleep...like...at all."_

I rubbed at my eyes and then threw my head back on the pillow that I had resting on the arm of the chair I was in.

_"Why was that?"_

_"The first night after everything...Gladys was with her...I had no idea how Ana was once she was asleep without the medicine. She was crying and pleading with him to stop. I was in tears as I stood at her side and rubbed her face. She was crying so many tears...I would wipe them and she would calm down. I would climb back in my own bed and then it would start again. She was fine as long as I was touching her. So I pushed my bed next to hers and just kept my hand in hers."_

_"Did the crying stop after that?"_

_"Yes...but then the bell for mass went off and it was time to get up."  
_

_"So no sleep?"  
_

_"Nope."  
_

_"How was she though?"  
_

_"She was good...she still looked sad but she acted like everything was good."  
_

_"Do you think that everything was good with her or was she was just trying to be brave for you?"  
_

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

My medicine still hadn't kicked in.

I was itching to snap at him or to just dance away the feelings that I had but I couldn't._  
_

_"Both."  
_

_"You're getting angry?"  
_

_"Yes."  
_

_"Do you want to talk about it?"  
_

_"No...but I will if you want."  
_

_"This is your session, Brittany...we will talk about what you want to talk about."  
_

_"I knew you were going to say that."  
_

_"Well...as you told me...you are a pro at this therapy thing."  
_

_"Ugh...I'm just afraid that she is going to fall apart. I know that really bad stuff happened in that house and I want to know everything so I can fix it...I know that she is going to tell Gladys today...that after that appointment she and Gladys are going to meet with Captain Dominguez. I know that he raped her and beat her. I know that he gave her drugs...but I want to hear her say it."  
_

_"You don't think that she will?"  
_

_"I don't know...that's what I'm afraid of, that she will shut me out again."_

* * *

_"Dear Ana, I met with Dr. Clover today and he told me that I should write down my fears for you. He told me that you told him about how I proposed and how I made the videos. So this was the next best thing. I'm scared of everything right now. Things got really bad with us just before all this happened and I want to help you because I feel so bad about leaving you the way that I did. You needed me then and you need me know. I want to fix things. I just don't know how. I'm not going to fight with you so that you will tell me the things that happened, I will wait for you. I want you to be able to just tell me when you are ready...so I am being patient even if it's hard for me. I guess that my biggest fear is just that you will shut me out. I'm afraid that you will try to be strong for me and the kids and in the process, break yourself down so bad that you end up high again. I know you say that you won't but the drugs are stronger than you are alone. I love you. Please don't be mad. Love Britt."  
_

Ana looked at me from her seat by the window as I read my letter to her._  
_

She looked like she was fighting with herself as she clenched her hands in her lap.

I was sitting in the center of my bed and waiting for her to say something to me.

She had been back from her appointment for an hour and had asked me about my day.

I didn't want to read the letter...I wanted to just give it to her but she insisted that I read it out loud to her.

So here we were.

_"I'm not mad at you."_ She whispered as she stared out the window.

_"Can you at least look at me when you lie?"_

I didn't mean to snap at her but I was still angry even with my medicine in my system which was still keeping me from flipping out completely.

I watched as she sighed and then slowly turned herself until she was facing me.

_"I'm not lying, Britt. I'm not mad at you."_

I could see how serious she was.

I could see that she was telling me the truth.

She believed in what she was saying but her body language was telling me differently.

_"Then what are you feeling?" _

_"Not mad at least not at you. I can't be...not with you...not really. You have every reason to be upset with me. I don't deserve you being here with me...but here you are. There are so many things that we could have done differently that day...but there is nothing that we can do to change it. You left...Quinn let me storm off...I got forced to do things that I really don't want to repeat...although...I really don't have a choice if I want to stay out of prison. I just feel dirty, Britt. I feel so unworthy of you and the kids. A part of me thinks that maybe he is right about me. That I'm just a whore."_

_"You are NOT a whore."  
_

The tears moved down her cheeks but I knew that right now was not the time that she needed me to comfort her.

Right now she needed to just talk to me about how she felt.

She needed to let me in on her terms, in her own way.

So I was being patient.

I wouldn't let her down.

She needed me and I needed her.

_"What if I am? Will you leave me?"_

_"I'm here...and I love you more than ever."_ I whispered as I looked down at my hands.

I didn't need to look at her...it would only make her nervous.

So I didn't.

_"I want you to know."_ I nodded but didn't say anything as she whispered. _"But I need to know...why did you leave me that day?"_

_"My parents are going to lose their house. I was going to try to save them. I didn't want to put that on you. You have enough to worry about."_

I admitted as I finally met her eyes.

She nodded and then looked back out the window.

_"Mami told me...she talked to Susan and your parents are going to be staying at the house in West Lima...my house. They wouldn't take money...so this was the next best thing."_

I felt relief wash over me.

My parents were going to be okay...if I had just said something sooner...

Ugh.

I can't think like that.

It's too late for regrets.

Something had happened that was bigger than them.

Bigger than us.

That was what we needed to deal with...not my stupid regrets.

* * *

Ana pushed up from the chair, pain medication from the hospital still in her blood keeping her from crying out.

She smiled at me as she sat down on the edge of my bed and touched my knee.

_"He raped me...and you need to know...that it was really bad and it will take a while for me to heal completely. I got stitches today...down there. I also...I have a cracked rib from him holding me against the iron bars that I was handcuffed to. Otherwise my health is okay for now. Thankfully...that was all of it. Not much...right?"_

I looked up at her in shock.

She must have heard how crazy her words sounded because she dropped her head and squeezed my knee.

_"I love you."_ I whispered before taking her hand in my own and bringing it to my lips.

_"I was so scared...it was like one minute I was arguing with Quinn over money and stupid shit and the next I was at this idiots mercy as he shot me up with drugs and beat me over and over again. I was wishing Marco or you would come through that door...and save me. I knew that I had to save myself and the first chance I could...that's just what I did."_

I leaned over and kissed the side of her face and I could feel her relax.

I pulled away and brushed my fingers across her chin before leaning in and capturing her lips.

The tears from her cheeks were on mine now.

She was still crying as I sucked her lips in between mine.

I was slow and just kept brushing my fingers up and down her arms._  
_

_"I'm so proud of you."  
_

She pulled back and looked back and forth between my eyes._  
_

_"Yea?"  
_

_"Definitely."  
_

She smiled and then leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose before standing to her feet._  
_

_"I needed to hear that...so much."  
_

_"Then I'll keep telling you."  
_

She moved over to her bed and laid down on her stomach slowly.

The pain was coming back.

I watched her as she closed her eyes and I said a little prayer for her.

I hated seeing her so broken down.

I couldn't let this happen again.

My guard would never drop when it came to her.

She needed me to take over permanently.

But most of all she needed my honesty.

She was so open to me right now...and even though I wanted to ask her about everything...I knew her and I knew that she just needed to know that I was there.

So I pushed our beds close and then turned off the lamp.

We were in darkness as I reached over and brushed her hair from her face._  
_

_"I love you, B." _She whispered._  
_

_"Always and only you, I love you so much Santana Lopez and I am so proud of you."  
_

_"Good night, Britt."  
_

I leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose before pulling back._  
_

_"Night."_

* * *

That night as I kept my hand pressed against her lower back, just below the stitches, I knew things would never be the same.

I wouldn't let her fall again.

My fingers ran across her back, between the stitches.

She breathed lightly and didn't cry out as much.

Thankfully.

I was just glad that I could be there for her.

And in the middle of the night when she had to pee, she woke me up gently and actually asked me to help her.

We were moving one step at a time through this.

And even though at times I felt impatient...we were doing things together.

She was letting me in and not pulling away.

What more could I ask for?

* * *

**_A/N: Getting back into this...sorry for the wait. :)  
_**


	50. Chapter 50:What Now?

_**A/N: OMG...so many good albums came out while I was on vacation...this track is the product of one of them and can I tell you guys...as I looped it on repeat to write this chapter...I felt like it was Ana's soul screaming out to me.  
**_

_**What now, A?  
**_

_**I was like...it gets better Ana Banana...and soon enough it will. I promise ;)  
**_

**_Enjoy!_  
**

* * *

**Chapter 50: What Now? (Rihanna)**

* * *

_**We were moving one step at a time through this.**_

_**And even though at times I felt impatient...we were doing things together.**_

_**She was letting me in and not pulling away.**_

_**What more could I ask for?**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The tears kept coming from my eyes and I didn't even attempt to stop them.

What was the point?

Hadn't I learned by now that whether I cried or not...things would still suck.

That I would still end up in hopeless situations?

Doubt was plaguing me and there was nothing that I could do on my own to make it stop.

It was early afternoon and I still hadn't seen Brittany but I was kind of glad about it.

Last night had opened my eyes and hearing her letter had shown me just how much I was ignoring what had happened.

She was completely out of the loop and I knew that things shouldn't be like that.

I just didn't know how to talk about it just yet.

So thankfully...she wasn't there.

Dr. Clover had come to get her before I woke up.

Because she is amazing...she had left me a note.

And because I sucked...I was happy that she was gone.

Maybe he was giving me time just for myself.

Anyway with the way that I was feeling, I was grateful for the time to just breathe before talking to her about the big things.

* * *

My body ached and I couldn't stop rocking.

My head ached and my soul felt raw and tattered.

I looked like and felt like utter shit and so I knew that my mood was probably worse.

Britt didn't need to be brought down by me but it didn't seem like that mattered to her.

So at least now...I had time to gather my thoughts.

I knew that she wanted to know everything and even though I had yet to actually think about everything that happened...I knew that I needed to think for her.

With Mami and Captain Dominguez...it was like going through the motions.

I was unattached.

But now...for Britt...I needed to figure out everything and talk through things.

It was horrible and I didn't want to think...but I had to.

What happened in that house was unspeakable.

I realized that attacking him so viciously was going to bring everything that had occurred into question but for now, I was glad to have just a little bit of time to figure out how I would tell her what had happened to me.

I had to be honest with her.

She deserved it.

And so did I.

* * *

The door cracked open but I didn't bother turning to look.

My throat felt blocked as I tried to breathe.

I felt them hovering but I couldn't make myself care.

What was the point?

Depression was sinking in as my body shook from the lack of drugs.

I had been sitting in my bed with my arms wrapped around myself since I had opened my eyes and realized that I was alone.

On some level, I knew that now was the opportunity to break.

No more waiting out my emotions.

My body had finally realized no more drugs were coming and withdrawal was setting in.

Every morning I had my medicine before this happened...but I hadn't had them yet.

And now this is how my reality was.

I was fiending for drugs...to be flying high.

But fuck the feelings...I wasn't going back to that.

I wasn't sure how to feel...how to deal with this.

It was bad.

The nausea sat thick in my throat and my skin felt like it wanted to detach itself from my bones.

It was how the crash from the drugs felt initially except a thousand times worse.

The worst of it all was the constant chattering of my teeth.

I couldn't shake the cold.

I felt the tears stuck in my head but they wouldn't come.

They had dried up.

* * *

_"Sis? Did you hear me?"_

I finally snapped out of my daze when I felt a hand brush across my cheek.

When I looked up, it was Damariz and Sandra that I saw.

They both looked worried.

Sandra hadn't seen me since New Years' and this is how she had to come back.

Her baby sister once again a fucking junkie

_"Hey."_ I choked out as I felt my fingers dig at the bandage that was wrapped around my middle.

The tears were fighting to pour from me.

But I couldn't let them.

The emotions that sat inside of me were stuck in my heart, my throat.

It was all lumped up.

I had to be stronger than I was being.

I didn't know how to feel anymore or what to think about anything.

I just wanted to scream.

But I couldn't.

_"We need to get you back to the hospital. You need to see some doctors."_

_"More doctors?"  
_

_"Yes...more tests too."  
_

I shook my head not wanting to leave the rehab again.

I didn't want to be away from Britt but my sisters looked concerned.

_"But I'm okay."_ I whispered.

_"Let them help you, Ana...please?"_

I looked up and saw Britt standing by the door.

When had she gotten here?

Had she seen how badly the cravings had gotten?

The look in her eyes told me that she had and that it scared her.

She looked pale and tired as she watched me from afar.

I didn't want her to see me like this...so fucking weak.

_"I...I don't want to leave you."_

_"You need to go get medicine and check on your health. I'll be here when you get back, I promise."_

* * *

My sisters helped me to my feet and into some clothes.

I tried to move fast as they helped me into my shoes and then down into my wheelchair_. _

I didn't put up much of a fight because it felt good not to have to think for myself.

It felt good to not have to worry about what to do next.

But then that was what HE was trying to do...to control me and because he couldn't it pissed him off.

I needed to be controlled.

I accepted it as something that I craved...but not from HIM or anyone else...nobody but Britt.

I trusted her.

She knew what I needed.

I wish she would tell me.

Help me..._  
_

_"I'm so ugh...fucked up." _I whispered._  
_

Britt looked between my sisters and then at the door._  
_

_"Can you two leave us for a second...please?"  
_

In the past my sisters would have hesitated...but they didn't this time.

Times had definitely changed.

They both nodded and then quickly left as alone.

Britt knelt in front of me and placed her hands on my knees.

I reached out and brushed my hand across her chin.

_"I'm scared, Britt Britt." _

_"I know baby...I know."_

Her blue eyes stared deep into mine and she smiled.

I couldn't do the same back.

The shaking and the choking lump in my throat wouldn't allow me to.

I wanted to kiss her so badly but she looked like she was determined to say something to me first.

_"Talk to me, B." _

_"I need you to know that I love you so much. That no matter what happens...I'm still here. You and I are going to get married when you come back. Okay?"_

Just in that moment...everything stopped.

I was stuck on stupid.

Deaf...dumb.

She still wanted me.

To marry me.

To be mine.

* * *

When I stepped into the hospital room, I didn't even have time to sit down properly before the door opened up behind me.

_"Hi Santana."_

I nearly broke my neck when I turned around to see my old baby doctor show up.

But I wasn't pregnant.

Right?

_"Dr. Cabot?"_

My old doctor smiled as she patted the bed.

_"Get yourself set up...I'm sure you are wondering why I'm here...Damariz called me."_

_"Why?"_

_"You were raped, I don't just deliver babies. I am your lady doctor as Brittany likes to say." _I watched her face light up at the very mention of Brittany and felt some of my stress lift. Not a lot of it...but definitely some of it._ "I wanted to check to see how things were after the stitches they put in."_

I nodded and sat on the bed.

_"This can't wait until after I'm out of rehab?"_

_"I know that it can be easy to push your health aside in one respect while you take care of another...but with your medical history...and the severity of your injuries, we need to make sure that you are okay, completely."_

_"And we have to make sure that there is enough evidence to put that asshole away, right?"_

_"Yes...there's that as well."  
_

_"I thought so."  
_

_"We also need to talk about some of the possibilities."_

* * *

I didn't say anything as she began her examination.

I held myself up as I put my feet in the stirrups.

It had been awhile and even though my pregnancy and delivery had been unorthodox...I knew my body.

And I trusted her.

Which right now...was really important for me.

She was down there for little a while and I didn't really feel anything that I was used to.

I didn't even feel the speculum...that's when I knew that there had to be something wrong.

They had knocked me out the day before when they put the stitches in.

I had been having random aches and pains.

But now that she was down there...I felt nothing.

Did she numb me?

Now I was wondering about these possibilities that she had been referring to.

_"Shouldn't that hurt me with the stitches and all?"_

Her head popped up and just from the look in her eyes, I could tell that I had brought something to her attention.

Had she thought I could feel things?

_"Do you feel this, Santana?"_

I felt her hand on my thigh and smiled.

_"Of course I do."_

_"And this?"_

Nothing.

_"Did you touch me yet?"_

She bit down on her lip and then looked at me with tight smile.

_"How about this?"_

Nothing.

_"Are you messing with me?"_

_"No...definitely not."  
_

_"What's wrong, Doc?"  
_

_"You have a lot of swelling down here...which could be restricting the nerves. I'm going to suggest more testing so I don't want to diagnose anything until then."_

_"So what now?"_

I closed my eyes and tried to push back how I felt inside.

I was so tired.

It just felt so fucked up.

She lowered my legs and helped me sit up.

_"You just wait here and I'm going to go consult with your primary and then I'll be back."_

_"Thanks."_

She was at the door and then turned back and looked at me with a determined look in her eyes._  
_

_"We will figure this out...I promise."_

* * *

Dr. Cabot didn't come right back...at least not before I was greeted by Dr. Jindahl.

Who I assumed had also been called in specifically to see me._  
_

_"Santana...my dear...how are you feeling?"  
_

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes...tears that still refused to fall._  
_

_"So fucking scared right now."  
_

He nodded and then came over to me with a tray in his hands._  
_

_"That's why I'm here...and not a nurse."  
_

_"Why?"  
_

_"We are admitting you today...you can't go back to the rehab."  
_

I sat there in shock.

Britt was there...I needed to be with her._  
_

_"But Britt's there...I need to be there." _

I tried to plead with him._  
_

_"Amy is getting that all sorted out right now...but having you there with all the trauma that your body is going through is not a good idea. I'm here now...and I want to make sure that you are getting the proper treatment and since you are in pain...your muscles are constantly tensed which means that your skin isn't healing properly. We need to get you on a round of antibiotics and morphine."  
_

_"You're fucking kidding me, right?!"  
_

Anger.

It was the first real emotion that I was showing all day long._  
_

_"I wish that I was."_

Something in the look in his eyes calmed me down.

It was like looking at my father.

I took a deep breath and finally nodded.

_"So what now?"_

He gestured towards the wheelchair.

_"We need to get you up to the ICU."_

_"Tell me how bad this is exactly." _

_"We need to isolate you. Your immune system is really weak...the combination of the drugs and the other things that you came into contact with afterwards have compromised your health. You need to be in isolation from the general population." _

_"I can't...please don't force me to be alone right now...I can't be." _

_"It will be similar to visiting to Isaac when he's in the hospital...hand washing and masks just for the first few days. So we won't keep Brittany from seeing you...but definitely Isaac and Daniela."_

I nodded in agreement.

I didn't want my kids to see me like this anyway.

Dr. J looked at me and waited for me to argue.

_"I won't fight you on this, doc. If this is what needs to happen...then lets get me up there...I just need you to promise me that I won't leave this place with another addiction." _

_"We are going to monitor your vitals and get you through this the best way we can and the moment that we can get the painkillers over with...they will stop. On top of that Amy will still come and check on you." _

_"And Britt?"_

_"If you want her with you...then I will approve it." _

_"I do." _

_"Then she will be with you." _

_"Thank you." _

_"I just want you to get better." _

_"Me too and I trust that you will help me get to where I need to be."_

_"You have my word."_

* * *

The pain from my back had lessened a bit thanks to not walking as much but that doesn't mean that it hurt less.

Or that I could walk on my own.

Thankfully...Dr. J knew exactly how to read me.

I didn't argue as I was told that this was my only way to get around until further notice.

Dr. J pushed me out into the hallway and I was met by Saul holding a file folder.

Seeing him in his white coat and scrubs reminded me that he was a surgeon and so seeing him...scared me.

Not only because Papi was a surgeon and he only showed up when it was urgent...but because Saul rarely saw or spoke to me without my sister nearby.

_"Hey Saul." _

_"Hey Anita...can I walk with you guys."_

I looked up at Dr. J and he nodded.

_"Yea...just don't beat around the bush. The thing that I always appreciated about you and Johnny is that you never beat around the issue. So don't do that to me now...okay?"_

He had a pained look but he didn't back down.

_"I was looking at your chart and I think that the surgeons who did your back were rushing...it doesn't look like a clean job. I wanted you to have a look at it...and tell me if you want me to fix it. Better to do it now while it's still healing than to wait for it to scar up."_

He knew me.

Underneath it all...I could be really shallow.

_"Tell me...is that why it's so tight?"_

_"They should have done a skin graph. It just looks painful."_

_"Okay...do it. Fix it."_

He nodded and then pulled out his phone before walking away.

I looked up at Dr. J and could tell that he wanted to say something.

_"Don't hold it in, doc...just say it." _

_"You have just come a really long way from when you and I first met."_

_"Well I had just finished overdosing at the time...so I would like to think that I have changed somewhat." _

_"No...not that...I mean...you aren't so guarded and you are way more trusting than you once were." _

_"Well...I was stupid...when I was just turning 18, I thought that I knew everything...now...I know better."_

After that I was trapped in my own thoughts as he pushed me into the elevator.

* * *

I won't lie and say that being cut off has taught me some major lesson.

Frankly...I would have learned it eventually...I was adjusting to living on a budget.

I knew now how to make my money stretch and how six pairs of shoes was a waste.

I was learning not to expect much...which is a good thing.

So when I was pushed into a private room with a super huge bed...big enough for two people...color me surprised.

The even bigger shock though was who was waiting for me on the bed.

_"Arita?"_

_"Hey!"_ She smiled at me really big and then leaned over and kissed my cheek.

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"My boss, B. Lo...asked me to come see you...since I only live a block over...and I told her how much I would love that. She went to go check on the kids...so here I am." _

_"Well I'm glad to see you."_

And I really was.

* * *

_"How have you done this for so many years?"_

I looked at Ari as she sat holding my hand.

I was trying my best to ignore Dr. J as he hooked me up to an IV but everything hurt so much.

_"I had no choice but to get to used to it."_

_"Fuck that hurts."_ I muttered.

_"He's almost done." _

_"He better be."_

Dr. J let out a chuckle as he clapped his hands together.

_"I'm done." _

_"You sure?"_

I raised my eyebrow and received a swat to my knee.

_"Be nice, Anita."_

I sighed and looked at my oldest friend.

_"Ugh...fine."_

* * *

Once I was hooked up to the machine I didn't have much time to rest.

Doctors kept coming in, looking at my chart, checking my vitals and then leaving again.

I was getting tired of it.

Ari laid beside me with her head on my shoulder._  
_

_"Don't worry."  
_

_"It feels like I'm the butt of some big joke...why won't they tell me anything?"  
_

_"Because...even though this isn't Lima...your family has weight in this hospital...they don't want to fuck up and get sued."  
_

_"I don't think that's it."  
_

_"Well I hope you find out soon because it's starting to get to me too."  
_

When Dr. Cabot walked in a few seconds later and picked up my chart...she actually looked at me and then at Ari._  
_

_"Would you mind...giving us a minute?"  
_

Ari jumped up and then squeezed my hand before heading for the door.

As she opened it, Britt walked in with a bag over her shoulder._  
_

_"Doctor Cabot!" _She said with a huge smile._  
_

_"Just in time, Brittany...your wife could use you over here."  
_

Britt nodded, dropping her bag onto a chair by the door, she kicked off her shoes and then climbed into the bed next to me._  
_

_"Okay...what's up?" _She said as she wrapped her arm around my shoulders lightly.

She was really good with touching my back, she seemed to know just where to touch me.

Just like always.

* * *

My mind was reeling as I listened to Dr. Cabot talk to me about things.

It was like my mind couldn't quite connect with what she was saying to me.

There were no tears or anything...because this wasn't the end of anything.

It was just so overwhelming.

When she eventually left to go get yet another doctor, I leaned into Britt and closed my eyes.

She sighed and kissed my head.

_"I'm here now...and I'm not leaving you...okay?"_

_"Thanks B." _

_"It's going to be okay." _

_"I just feel...so stuck."_

She nodded and pulled me against her, slowly running her hand over my shoulder.

_"Me too...so stuck between our future and the past."_

My heart hurt just hearing those words but I knew that she didn't mean it to be hurtful.

But that didn't mean that the weight of her words still didn't bring me down.

She was spot on.

I was a burden on her.

My drama and my shit weighed her down.

_"I'm sorry."_

The tears were finally cried, I turned into her armpit and wept hard.

My breaths were shaky and shallow as I felt guilt and regret wash over me.

_"I don't regret us. I want to marry you...yesterday...today and forever." _

_"You shouldn't."_

She pulled back and pulled up my chin with her two fingers.

I could feel the firmness in her touch.

It didn't intimidate me because I knew that her touches were filled with love and concern.

She was reading the look in my eyes.

If anyone could figure out the emotions that were rolling through me...Britt could.

* * *

She went to speak...but she was interrupted.

Fuck...what now?

She looked just as frustrated as I felt.

She wanted to be alone with me.

I knew from the look on her face that she wanted to help me fix this.

People and things just kept getting in her way.

She looked up and then back at me and smiled.

_"Marry me?"_

I nodded and leaned into her lips.

_"Of course." _

_"No...I mean right now."_

I looked towards the door and there stood Gloria, Mami and Ari...holding a bible, a rosary and a single white rose.

_"Now?"_

_"Yes...we can't let another thing get in our way...so can you be my wife again...will you be?"_

_"Shit...yes!"_

My heart was racing as a huge grin spread across Britt's face.

So that's what happened.

Very low key.

Two minutes and just like that...we were legally married.

To me...to us...it was perfect.

We would go big later.

We would do something amazing...but right now...with the way that I was feeling...it was just right.

It was perfect because I knew that even with everything falling apart,

Britt had consciously chosen to be tied to me.

She was here to stay.

Always and forever.

What more could I ask for?

* * *

Fading to blackness after a high is the best feeling in the world.

It is like all the chaos and movement just stops.

No thoughts plague your mind.

It's just you and the dark.

You and the stillness.

In my sober world...it was the only thing I still longed for from that time in my life.

Even though I knew in my heart that it was what my childhood had been filled with...I still craved that stillness.

The first time that I hadn't experienced the calm was when Dr. Cray had forced so many different drugs into my system.

It was chaotic and painful.

Feeling the needle pierce my knees as he shot me up with heroin and cocaine separately and then together...I had felt like chaos exploded behind my eyes.

My breath stopped.

I felt the coolness of the floor as I slammed into it.

Things had gone black.

Later I would find out that my heart had stopped after he shot me up...I told me just before I slit his throat.

My heart stopping is what got him to uncuff me and walk away.

He thought that I was dead.

I had succumb to the stillness.

But then when I came zooming back to life...covered in piss and blood and semen...I knew that I had to act fast.

He had dropped his guard.

That stillness was probably something that I wouldn't feel again.

Or so I thought.

That was until I was forced into an induced coma...yet another coma...so that they could do a shitload of tests, surgeries and so that my body could finally rest.

That stillness came back to me.

And it made me feel even crazier.

But it was dark and peaceful.

Just a constant beeping.

Constant buzzing.

Britt's voice filled my ears.

Even in the stillness.

She kept my peace.

She was my ruler.

My home.

My wife!

All that I wanted and all that I needed.

Now and forever.

* * *

**_A/N: Yes! On to the next one! :) Multi...drama...POV...yes please! :) Oh and CC...it's coming...like sooner than you think!_ **


	51. Chapter 51:Best of Me

**A/N: Multi-POV is like my new favorite thing. Here is another song from one of those amazing albums that came out during vacation.  
**

**Enjoy!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 51: Best of Me (Christina Aguilera)  
**

* * *

_**Even in the stillness.**_

_**She kept my peace.**_

_**She was my ruler.**_

_**My home.**_

_**My wife!**_

_**All that I wanted and all that I needed.**_

_**Now and forever.**_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_**Where r u?-Quinn**_

_**We just got out of bed...just saw the time. Sorry.-Puck**_

_**We are out in the car...she's in a foul mood, just FYI-Quinn**_

_**I feel so bad about it.-Puck**_

_**The longer you take...the more upset she gets.-Quinn**_

_**Be down in a minute.-Puck**_

I threw my head back against the passenger seat and looked back at my daughter.

It still amazes me that I am back in her life.

Beth is the reason that I fight so hard to be a good person.

Even at four she and I keep an open dialogue and she rarely is sad around me.

So seeing her so torn apart killed me...but I couldn't fix this.

Only Puck could.

She was in a really bad mood because her dad had missed her play.

I tried to explain to her that it wasn't his fault and she pouted and attempted to throw a tantrum.

When she fell on the floor and started kicking and screaming, I was shocked.

Celia of course stopped it just by staring her down and giving her a stern warning.

Thank God for Ceily!

Beth's tantrum had no potency against her.

After that things were calm.

She had been fine until we stood outside the apartment and knocked a zillion times.

Like me she was extremely impatient.

She got whiny and then I got annoyed.

Puck had taken my key back and so I was forced to stand there helpless!

After twenty minutes, Ceily insisted that we just wait in the car.

So, Beth was now sitting staring out at the rain with her arms across her chest.  
_  
"She looks like San when she does that." _I mumbled.

_"Yea well...she spends a lot of time with my nephew who is constantly doing that."_

_"Very true."_

_"What time are we picking the kids back up?"_

_"We aren't."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because Gladys said that your favorite sister Sandra wants them to stay with her. "_

Celia's face lit up, we had been engaged for a couple of days now but had never gotten the chance to celebrate.

This would be our chance.

* * *

**Sandra's POV**

* * *

_"I don't want to cut her off anymore...I want her to be able to maneuver her own money."_

_"I get that...but it's not smart Gladys. Let's get her through this trial and give her a few months to heal. Then maybe we can talk about it." _

_"How is she going to heal if she is here in New York? I mean look at you, mija...Miami has been good to you. You look happier...you are about to have a baby and you and Johnny are stronger than ever. That's what she needs." _

_"And I have no problem helping her do that. Brittany has her own money...she can do this for her wife. Anita just needs to let Britt take care of her. That's what's important." _

_"Is there at least an end date to her being cut off?"_

_"For her money to be back in her account? Yes." _

_"When?"_

_"She knows and so do I...that was her agreement. She didn't want anyone else to know." _

_"Does Brittany know?"_

_"Yes...just the three of us and Sal. She didn't think it was necessary for anyone else to be involved." _

_"Well times have changed." _

_"I'm sorry...I'm not going to break my word." _

_"You are just like your father...so stubborn." _

_"Thanks."_

_"I missed you...so much."  
_

_"I missed you too."  
_

I watched Gladys as she sat with her coffee mug clutched in her hands.

She knew not to ask me again.

Unlike my own mother...Gladys did recognize boundaries.

Thankfully!

I wanted to help my sister...but I wouldn't baby her anymore.

She was an adult now.

I could see it all over her face when I had visited.

She wants to fight...it's still in her eyes.

Now though...it's not self righteous...she has grown up.

So I would stand my ground and protect her and if she needed anything...I would help.

But Brittany needed to be her first step.

Too much of the family in her business had stifled her.

Babied her.

But I saw the change that going off on her own had done.

Moving away had opened her eyes and now that I knew what that felt like, it had opened mine.

I finally understood what Ana needed and I would make sure that she got it.

The right way.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I brushed my fingers over her face as she slept peacefully.

The last few days had been endless.

Between checking in on the kids at least once a day and being by her side, I was getting a little antsy.

I was even tired of coloring...well only a little bit.

Dr. J tells me that she should be waking up from the coma today,

And for like the two hundredth time, I thanked God that we had more control over this coma than the last one.

We didn't know a specific time that she would be awake...but we knew it would be today.

It feels good to know that much.

Almost like I still have some sense of control.

This time the coma had been her decision and it turns out that it was very necessary.

She went through three surgeries before they were done with her.

And when I saw some of the bruises, I was grateful that she couldn't really feel any pain while she was under.

I found myself thanking God a whole lot.

It's what she wanted...me to have faith.

So even though it killed me watch them put her into that coma...I had faith that she would return to me,

Better than ever.

After they put her under, they hooked her up to a bunch of machines and then took her away almost immediately.

They weren't going to waste any time fixing her and I was grateful for that.

The more time she had to heal...the better.

I was lonely, since it was late at night when they put her under.

The kids were in good hands and it made me happy that I was the only one that really had to worry.

Everyone else had distractions...which was good because Ana insisted that she didn't want anyone to know about the coma until she was under already.

So only Gladys knew.

She didn't want people waiting around for her wake up.

So, I sat alone in the hallway outside of her hospital room feeling a little lost until she returned bruised and bandaged, she looked small and delicate.

It caused me so much pain to know that we were back in the hospital but I wouldn't let it bring me down.

I couldn't let that bastard win so I couldn't cry or be sad.

I had to be strong for her...for us.

This coma was only for a couple days...and when she woke up, things would be different.

Our lives would be different...because I was making a decision that was going to change our lives for the better.

She had told me a year ago just how much she needed to get out of New York City.

And I had convinced her to stay.

I had thought that the move to Westchester would be enough.

I was wrong.

Now...I was thinking that we needed a serious plan to do what was needed for our family to survive.

Ma tells me that the trial isn't until the first week of July, so until then we have a some time to get away just for a little while.

That's just what she needs to happen and everyone is going to help me, make it happen.

For the last few years, everyone wanted to get in our marriage and run things for us...and now that I needed them...they would be there.

Now that she really needs them...they are going to help her...not like when she was kid and they ignored her pain.

This time they were going to be there for her on my terms.

Whether they like it or not.

I will see to it that everyone is on the same page.

She is going to survive this.

And if I have anything to do with it, she is going to be stronger than ever.

Not just for me or the kids but for herself.

It's what she needs.

A new start...by any means necessary.

* * *

**Celia's POV**

* * *

_"Fuck."_

I loved getting her to curse.

My fiance...the love of my life.

I kissed her face as I ran my fingers through her hair and slammed against her.

The only downfall to strap-ons is the fact that I can't feel what it's like to be inside of her like this.

But even with that one downfall.

Nothing can take away from how close to her I felt.

Her hands were tightly gripping the bed as I rocked against her and sucked on her neck.

_"I love you."_ I whispered just before biting down.

_"Ahhh...fuck. I love you...mmm...No...ma-ma-marks."_

_"You like them...admit it!" _I grunted as I grinded against her ass.

_"Fuck! Right there."_

I snickered and stilled my thrusting.

I loved to tease her and she secretly loved it too.

_"Answer me."_

_"C! Please baby don't tease me!"_

_"Say you like it Lucy Q." _I growled and she groaned.

I underestimated how desperate she was to get off.

She pushed back and tried to finish things herself and because her ass was so perfect I allowed it for a few seconds before gripping her hips and pulling her flush against me.

_"Fuck...please? I was so close!" _

_"Tell me what I want to hear."_

_"Yes! Fine! I like all the freaky shit...the handcuffs...the sex on the roof...even when you finger me in the cab. I love it all!" _

I smiled as I listened to her go around my question.

I could feel her hips shaking under my fingers.

But I didn't move.

_"I know you like those things...tell me you like the marks...the biting...the teasing or no more of this."_

I pulled almost completely out of the dripping sweetness and then slammed back before she could speak.

She sucked in a shaky breath and slammed her face into the pillow before groaning out her frustration.

I held her in place again and then waited.

_"Ugh."_

_"Give in."_

_"I love it! I love the marks! Unh...oh sweet Jesus." _I pulled out and slid halfway in before pulling out again and waiting.

_"And?"_

_"The biting...oh God!" _She moaned as I thrust forward almost all the way before pulling out again.

_"And?"_

_"This?" _

I didn't move.

_"What?"_

_"T-tea...ahhhhhhh! Fuck! Yes! Celia! I love it when you tease me! Oh God please baby! Don't stop!"_

And I didn't.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

April 22.

The radio station returned from a commercial break and that's when they said the date and time.

Happy Birthday, Papa Bear.

I miss you.

Ian would have been 20 today...the day that I awake from a four day induced coma.

It was early in the morning and the Beethoven that was playing next to my head made me feel light.

My mind drifted between being awake and asleep.

I had yet to open my eyes...but I already knew that something was different.

Even though I was barely awake...in that second before wakefulness...

I felt refreshed and happy.

The darkness was fading and soon I would have to return to reality.

Even though I liked this dark, calm place...the place where my peace existed...

I knew that I couldn't be there forever.

It took me a few moments to piece together what my life was...

And after feeling my heart rate pick up just thinking about being in a choke-hold while being raped...I felt the happiness drain away.

My eyes shot open and as the brightness of the room assaulted my senses...

I realized that the time to leave the dark had come.

Reality was checking in...and I was heeding the call.

I was awake now.

My reality was not as amazing as the dream world that I had been existing in.

But that was okay...because I wasn't alone.

She was with me.

I was strong...I would fight.

Even if it hurt.

Reality didn't scare me anymore...I wouldn't let it.

I blinked my eyes a few times and stared up at the ceiling as I laid flat on my back.

Hello cruel world...the bitch is back.

I was in such a weird place of feeling empowered and feeling down.

And the more feelings that came, the more a heaviness sat on my chest and the depression won out.

_"Ana?"_

That voice...my wife.

A sliver of light pierced the sadness.

Brittany was that piercing light.

I went to move my lips to speak but quickly realized that I couldn't.

Now I noticed the feeling of a tube running down my throat, there was tape over my mouth holding the tube in place.

I never thought I would be here again.

At least I could look at her...or so I thought.

When I tried to turn my neck...I found that I couldn't do that either.

And after the realization that I couldn't look at the woman laying next to me...the tears came.

Thankfully, they didn't last long because in the next moment Britt was hovering above me and kissing my face wherever she could.

_"Sshhhh...just relax baby...it's okay...I'm here. Ari just went to get Dr. J. I'm here...just relax."_

So I did.

I laid there staring up into the most amazing eyes and allowed myself to calm down as much as possible.

_"It's Ian's birthday...Tor called...I told her what happened and she told Sue."_

I cocked my eyebrow at her obvious try at distracting me.

She had picked a good topic because she had my interest and she knew it because she smiled even bigger.

_"Sue's here."_

I was super shocked now.

She had succeeded at distracting me just enough for me to relax.

I heard footsteps and soon enough Dr. J was hovering in my line of vision.

_"Hi Santana! Ready for me to yank this thing out of your throat?"_ I tried to nod but couldn't. _"Of course you are!"_

I felt Brittany touch my hand and the little bit of agitation, that I hadn't realized was building up as I looked at my doctor, had slipped away, replaced by butterflies in my stomach.

She would always have that effect on me.

I felt so happy again as I realized her love hadn't changed.

And that it never would.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I held tightly to Ceily's hand as we walked towards the hospital.

She had this self-satisfied smirk on her face and I felt the need to slap her whole face!

Ugh.

Damn her!

_"You okay, Luce? You're walking funny."_

I glared at her as we walked through the automatic doors and she just smiled even wider.

I leaned next to her ear and growled at her.

_"Just because I told you how much I loved the things that you do to me...does not mean that you have to reenact them. I should have known when you liked my skirt so much that you were up to something...what's worse is that cab driver was totally creeping on us!" _

_"I know!"_

She kissed my cheek and then turned from me before I had the chance to respond.

Before I had the chance to catch up with her and bring her snotty attitude down a notch, my hackles rose.

_"Q!"_

I turned towards the hallway and was greeted by my old cheer coach holding her arms wide open.

For a hug?

_"Coach?"_

_"I know...I'm surprised that I came all the way out here too." _

_"How are you?"_

_"Well on my way to winning another cheer championship...and keeping the hierarchy in line now that I'm vice-principal."_

I nodded as I listened to her tell me of her accomplishments.

_"Congratulations...I just finished an internship at the Mayo Clinic and I'm engaged."_

She snatched my hand and looked down at the huge rock on my finger.

I could feel Ceily somewhere beside me but I watched Sue as she gave her curt approval with a nod.

Of course the nod was all that I would get.

_"You two showed up just in time, she just woke up."_

_"Yea?" _Ceily said as we followed Sue to the elevators after getting our visitor passes.

_"She's in the process of being checked out before they moved her to a regular room...soon she can have visitors."_

With that update, Sue walked off the elevator before it could close.

She must have been on her way somewhere.

I felt Ceily clutch my hand as the elevator climbed towards the fourteenth floor.

_"You know for someone so big and bad...it amazes me that elevators freak you out."_

She attempted to pull her hand away but I held it tighter.

_"I'm not freaked out."_

I looked at her and could see how pale she had gotten.

Right.

Definitely not freaked out.

A few seconds later, the doors slid open and she breathed out a huge sigh.

_"Right...well...lets go see your sister."_

She nearly knocked me over, as she pushed out of the elevator.

I was the one with the self-righteous smirk now.

Every Lopez has a weakness...and I had just figured out how to get her back.

Suddenly I had a pep in my step despite the moisture that had collected under my skirt.

There is nothing that I loved more than a little payback!

* * *

**Sandra's POV**

* * *

_"Who's ready for lunch?"_

I stood in the middle of Ana's play room and called out to the kids.

Xavier jumped to his feet and raised his hand.

_"I am Titi!"_

I smiled as he looked at me with a huge smile on his face.

We had come a long way since he and Evan had lost their mother.

I felt a tapping on my leg and looked down to see Isaac smiling up at me.

_"You hungry too, Papa?"_

_"Yes, Titi."_ He said with a really serious face.

Pretty soon his shadow was right next to him with tears in her eyes as she held onto Norah's hand.

Daniela was attached to her big brother so much that if he was serious...so was she.

From what I could tell though, Norah was the same way towards her as her bottom lip quivered.

The bond between all of them was pretty strong...that's what I wanted for Little Johnny who has become a bit anti-social since the move to Miami.

Thankfully...Johnny's season is over and we are back home until the season starts again.

But the trade talk has me wondering if maybe my pregnant ass needed to stay right near Gladys.

My chosen mother was the most reliable person that I knew and even though I was five months into my pregnancy...I was still insanely stressed out that I would lose this baby and nobody could talk me back from the ledge like she could.

_"Good...come on...Abuela made lunch!"_

I felt like a mother ducking as a line of kids followed me into the kitchen.

_"Well look at that...what a blessing." _

_"Definitely...it's what makes me want to come home." _

I helped to get the bigger kids situated at a small table and then helped Gladys get Norah and Daniela in high chairs at the big table._  
_

_"How does Johnny feel about that?"  
_

_"I haven't told him."  
_

_"How do you think he would feel?"  
_

_"He's been hinting at it. The only reason that we stayed this long is because Evan is in school. So we are thinking of staying until the end of the school year at least."  
_

_"You shouldn't travel so much with a baby on the way...it might be too late at that point for you to fly and that is a long drive."  
_

I looked at her in disbelief...for some reason I hadn't thought about that.

She was right...I didn't need to compromise this baby._  
_

_"I think I need to call Johnny after the kids go down for a nap."  
_

_"Smart girl."  
_

At forty years old, it amazed me how Gladys could still make me feel like I was fifteen_. _

For some reason, I had forgotten how valuable she was to me.

She had loved and lost...she knew first hand what I had gone through losing my baby a year ago.

It was great to have her in my corner.

And in that moment, I knew...I would be back in New York sooner than I thought.

It would be like coming home.

God I missed it!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

She had fallen back to sleep...even after being asleep for four days.

I laid beside her and continued the mural that I had been working on.

When they had wrapped her entire torso in a cast...I had been excited that she hadn't been awake to stop me or anyone else from designing it.

Over the last few days, everyone had been adding to it, even Gladys.

I was glad that I got everyone to participate because that meant she couldn't just be mad at me.

Besides...it was super pretty and because I bought scented markers, it smelled really fruity and sweet.

I had seen the panic on her face when she woke up, still in a neck brace and as I leaned over at her, I couldn't help but smile because she smelled like bubble gum pink.

Currently, I was just staring at her face and wishing that I could kiss her lips.

I missed her kisses most of all.

But we were married now, so I knew that I would be able to kiss her whenever I wanted from now on.

Which was the best thing ever.

_"B?"_ Her voice was music to my ears despite how scratchy it was.

I looked up at her with the marker hovering over her.

She no longer had the neck brace on and was sitting up with pillows propping her up, so she could actually see what I was doing.

_"Hey..."_ I said trying to act normal.

_"What are you doing?"_ Her lips quirked up into a smile and I could feel the blush creeping across my face.

_"Just some art...wanna see?"_

She tried to look down but I knew that she couldn't see from her point of view so I jumped down from the bed and grabbed her compact from her purse.

I held the little mirror up so that she could see the working masterpiece and her face twisted up a bit.

She held out her hand for the mirror.

_"Can I see that?"_

I nodded and handed it to her.

I stood beside her as she angled it this way and that way.

Her face was serious as she inspected it and then just when I felt a little self-conscious she broke out into a smile.

_"You like it?"_

She smiled bigger and kept inspecting it.

_"It's amazing."_

This just proved that every time that I thought that I had her figured out, Ana would always surprise me.

_"Yea?"_

She nodded and then pushed her lips out.

I scrunched up my nose and leaned forward...and there is was.

A kiss...a bit wet one.

It was like heaven.

* * *

**Celia's POV**

* * *

It had been a little bit of a wait and I was starting to get a bit anxious.

Luce kept staring at me like I was piece of meat as she smiled to herself.

We were standing outside of my sister's room and she kept staring at my boobs.

_"Like what you see, Fabray?"_

_"Definitely." _

_"Can't get enough of me?"_

I stepped closer to her and kissed her lips.

She pulled back and looked up at me with a grin.

_"We'll see who can't get enough of whom."_

I felt a tingling in my skin as she ran her fingers across my cheek before kissing my lips once more.

She pushed Ana's door open before I could say another word.

_"Tease."_ I whispered behind her.

_"Hey San!"_ She said ignoring me.

The game on hold for the moment...but she was so damned wrong if she thought it was over.

When I saw my sister, she was hunched with a black marker in her hand coloring her cast alongside Brittany and by the time I made it over to her, Quinn had joined in.

_"Wow...as the artist of the family...I must say...that is pretty impressive!"_

Ana looked up at me and winked before turning toward Brittany.

_"Ask her."_

I watched as Britt's face lit up, she sat up straight, folded her hands in her lap and looked at me.

_"Do you really like it?"_

I nodded as I looked at the colorful design.

_"Yes...I really like it." _

_"Do you like it enough...to maybe buy it for your gallery?"_

She was up to something...but I liked her idea.

I mean yea...I learned that Brittany always has an ulterior motive but usually...it's a good one.

And if this was a legit way for her to get money for something...I was all in.

_"Definitely...we can talk figures when the work is complete."_

She smiled really big and then held out her hand.

_"Shake on it?"_

I shook her hand and then looked over at my sister.

_"Do you know what she's up to?"_

_"No idea...she asked if you would buy it and I told her to ask herself."_

Brittany winked at her and then got right back to work.

_"You'll see she whispered."_

Ana let out a huge belly laugh and it shocked us all.

It had been awhile.

I had missed it.

Brittany leaned in and kissed my sister as she stopped laughing so that she could breathe.

She was definitely up to something.

Whatever it was...I was sure that my investment would be put to good use.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Dr. J had told me the breakdown of my biggest surgery.

I had internal damage...a nearly punctured lung.

They had gotten in and mended my rib enough for it to stay away from collapsing my lung.

Then there was Saul who had worked really hard on my back and apparently...minimized the amount of stitches by almost half.

There was something missing though...

Something he wasn't telling me and I knew from the way his eyes kept sliding towards Britt and back at me...that she didn't even know.

And that worried me.

He had asked me if I wanted to page Dr. Cabot to talk and I had a pretty good idea what he wanted to say...

but I had cut him off and asked him to leave until I had seen my family.

So even though he looked anxious at the prospect at having a bit longer...I refused to let my little bit of acquired joy be tarnished.

It never left my mind though.

I knew.

I hadn't escaped that day unscathed...and from that look in his eyes...he wanted me to deal with everything.

But Brittany came first.

I came first.

And right now...more than anything...I needed to delight in her and my family.

Hours had gone by and everyone kept joining in on the art project.

There wasn't much talking...because really, what was there to say to me?

This family art project was more healing and helpful than a million pleasantries put together.

Because even with looming news...I was happy.

And that was worth a thousand casts that smelled like bubble gum and Brittany.

Dr. Cray wasn't going to steal this moment away from me.

Nobody would steal it away.

I was broken down and bruised...but I wasn't going to let anything get the way again.

I was a survivor...

Sue's contribution to the side of my cast said so.

A bullhorn...a pom pom and the word...UNDEFEATED...

Ian would have loved it.

Deep down...this felt like a tribute to him.

It healed something in me.

And it made me feel whole.

Leave it to Brittany to always know what I need.

* * *

_**A/N: This chapter made me feel good...did it make you feel good? Like butter and I'm on a roll ;) Mistakes mine...glee isn't...shame.** **CC...that was mild ;) **_


	52. Chapter 52:Stay

_**A/N: I had this awesome song picked out for this chapter and then I kept looping this other song...and like I said before...I really enjoyed the new albums that just came out! :) So here we are again...I think it's really important to continuously test Brittana because most relationships wouldn't have made it this far...but they prevail. And I believe that they always will. This song was just too perfect! **_

* * *

**Chapter 52: Stay (Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko)  
**

* * *

_**It healed something in me.**_

_**And it made me feel whole.**_

_**Leave it to Brittany to always know what I need.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Just tell me...I'm pregnant...right?"  
_

It had been a week of morning sickness and pains.

Three weeks since that fateful day.

I had been upfront with Britt about my fears.

About how this was a possibility...and she told me that she stood beside me through it all.

If it had been anyone else I would have doubted them but this was Britt...before it all she was my best friend.

So now that I was leaving the hospital finally after what felt like a month...I had to know if the possibility has become a reality.

Dr. Cabot had told me about my nerve damage...about them having to do surgery to repair the tears in my cervix and having to nearly reattach my clitoris.

It had been a risky surgery and even though I could barely feel things down there...it wasn't permanent like she had worried.

So now after spending yet another morning, throwing up and feeling like my stomach wanted out...I had to ask her.

And I knew that she knew something...because she came into my room looking pale.

Dr. Cabot was no wuss...it was what I liked about her but this was definitely a sore spot for her.

I could tell._  
_

_"Yes."  
_

In that moment...I was happy that Britt had gone to check on the kids.

I would be honest with her...but I needed to gather myself.

I was pregnant...again...and I wasn't going to have an abortion.

There was no way._  
_

_"Thank you for telling me."  
_

_"Do you want me to call Brittany?"  
_

_"No...that won't be necessary...thank you."_

* * *

**_Hey Arita! Is Gloria around you?-Anita  
_**

**_Yes.-Arita  
_**

_**Can u ask her to call me?-Anita**  
_

Ari didn't question me for even a second.

My phone buzzed like two seconds later and I was thankful for such amazing friends._  
_

_"Santana?"  
_

_"Gloria! Thank God...do you think...you could come by here? I need to talk to someone...I need some guidance."  
_

_"Um...yea...no problem. I'll walk over now...see you in five?" _

_"Thank you so much! I owe you one."  
_

_"Don't worry about it...see you soon."  
_

I tossed my phone onto the bed and stood at the window.

From my hospital room, I could see so much of the city that I had fought so hard to call home.

A city that broke me down to the most basic level.

Everything that had happened from the moment that I met Ari...had led me here.

God had laid out my journey and I had lived it even when it felt like it was the end of me.

I was hopeless and broken much of the time that I was with Marco but God had provided me with outlets that helped to keep me alive.

I was still wrapped in a cast and so I couldn't see or feel my stomach but that didn't stop me from placing my hand over my womb.

_"Whatever your will is, Lord." _

The tears flooded my eyes as I rested my face against the cool glass of the window.

* * *

_"Santana?"_

The moment that I heard Gloria's voice, I thought I would break down but I didn't.

I turned towards her and could see that she had an easy smile on her face.

Sometimes I did a double take because she looked so similar to me.

Now was one of those moments.

_"Thank you for coming."_

She nodded and came to stand by me.

I could tell that she didn't know how to be with me because she didn't hold her hands up to embrace me.

She was waiting.

_"I'll help however I can."_

I nodded and sat against the edge of my bed.

I tried to take a deep breath but there was only so much that I could do with the cast.

_"I'm pregnant."_

There was no shock on her face.

She simply nodded and then stepped forward.

_"And you are keeping it."_

It wasn't a question and so I didn't treat it like one.

_"Am I strong enough to make my way through this?"_

_"With enough faith, anything is possible...including this."_ She stepped closer and placed her hand over mine. _"You know how to do this and so you will."_

I released the tears that sat in my throat and leaned forward against her shoulder.

_"Pray with me? Please?"_

Until the moment that Gloria wrapped her arms around me firmly I had felt like I would break apart.

_"Praise."_

I smiled a little as I thought of Mercedes.

I sighed against her and closed my eyes as she began to pray with and for me.

* * *

With all the drama that happens in my family, it is easy to forget sometimes just how close we are.

We had been praying hard when I felt another set of arms embrace me from behind.

Just by scent, I knew that it was Quinn and then soon enough there were more and more hands and embraces.

There was a lot of love and peace in that room as my family prayed with us.

If it was meant for this baby to come, then it would be blessed from the first moment.

My tears soon dried and the heaviness lifted from me.

_"Thank you Jesus." _I whispered and just like that there were bunch of Amen's and the circle began to break apart.

I lifted my head and looked into Gloria's eyes.

She had been crying too.

I smiled and rested my hand against her cheek.

I leaned in and kissed her cheek before dropping my hand and turning to look around the room.

Brittany and Quinn were directly behind me both with tears in their eyes.

I also saw my mother and sisters but the people who were just behind them, that looked at me with big blue eyes made my heart clench.

_"Hi my babies."_

_"Mami!"_ Isaac screamed as he sat in the center of the bed holding Daniela's hand.

I bent as much as I could and wrapped them in a big hug.

In that moment all the strength that I didn't think I had came crashing down.

In that moment I found all that I needed.

I would make it through this...I was sure of it.

* * *

_"Are you sure about this, Santana?"_

_"I am extremely sure that I am not getting an abortion, doc."_

I held onto Britt's hand tightly as doc finished up my vitals.

I was finally out of my cast and into my own clothes.

And now I was getting the third degree from my doctor.

_"I support her in her decision to keep the baby...so no more talk of abortions."_

Britt's voice cracked on the last word but when I glanced at her, her face was still as stone.

This was an issue that she wasn't going to budge on...thankfully.

Dr. J didn't say another word as he examined my back.

The stitches were out but it still needed ointment and to be bandaged.

It still burned a bit but it didn't hurt as badly.

Thanks to Saul the scars would heal much nicer and would be faint lines.

I closed my eyes as his fingers touched certain spots that stung.

_"Shit."_ I whispered as he touched the very center of my back.

_"Scale of 1 to 10?"_

_"12!"_ I said jerking away from his fingers.

_"Hmm...we might have to get you in the ace bandage again...just for a little while." _

_"Whatever it takes...I don't care."_

_"Be nice."_ Britt whispered.

I looked at her in disbelief.

_"This is nice!"_

She shook her head and squeezed my hand.

_"Be nicer than that."_

I was about to argue when she leaned forward and kissed me.

Normally, I wouldn't have gone for the PDA but the kiss had me so enraptured that I couldn't move.

Needless to say...I was much nicer after that.

* * *

_"Tell me how you really feel B."_

We were alone in the room again, waiting for Dr. Cabot to come in.

I was feeling nauseous and tired but I pushed myself to be present.

Britt looked at me with shiny eyes.

_"I'm scared but know that we can handle this." _

_"It's not going to be easy." _

_"Nothing with us ever is...right?"_

She shrugged it off like our drama packed lives were nothing but a cake walk.

I knew that she meant it to be reassuring but I was sensitive and so it just seemed cold and uncaring.

Were our lives together really that screwed up?

And if they were...why did she marry me?

Why did she stick around?

_"You can still back out of this."_ I whispered as Dr. Cabot made her entrance.

Britt's whole face changed and she realized her error.

My pregnancy hormones were back and because it was an extreme situation...I was already on edge.

_"Never."_ She said before gripping my hand. _"Always and only you...forever."_

* * *

Dr. Cabot knew that she had walked into something and because she is so much like me...she didn't run screaming.

Instead she just sat there going through her paperwork until some of the tension eased.

She still seemed upset about this pregnancy and so I needed to make sure that she didn't want to back out either.

I really loved her as a doctor and when I had to have the emergency c-section, it was her that saved my life.

So I wasn't going to lose her without a fight.

_"You okay, doc?"_

She turned to me but wouldn't meet my eyes as she sat down on her stool and took a deep breath.

It was a momentary weakness but by the time she looked up at me, she was back in doctor mode.

_"I'm fine. Let's worry about you. How do you feel?"_

_"The usual...tired...nauseous."_

_"Any pain?"_

_"Mild...nothing like before." _

She nodded and typed some things into her iPad.

_"Good. So you know the routine...urine sample...blood work. I'll send a nurse in and I'll be back when that's done."_

I could tell that she was breaking apart before she stepped out of the room.

This was a lot for her.

Maybe keeping her on was worse than letting her go.

Her emotions were too involved.

It shocked me.

* * *

By the time that Dr. Cabot came back into the room she looked like her old self again.

Somehow she had pushed her feelings aside which made me feel so many different things all at once.

I was anxious for my exam because I was hoping to feel something.

And I wasn't disappointed.

_"Shit."_

Dr. Cabot's head popped up and she smiled.

_"You felt that?"_

_"Yes."_ I smiled back. _"You could have warmed that thing up!" _

_"Don't complain...at least you can feel it!" _

And just like that all the tension that she had exhibited went away.

I let out a breath that I didn't know that I was holding and relaxed.

_"Glad to have you back on board, doc." _

_"I have an oath to uphold."_ She muttered.

_"Right...call it whatever you want, I'm just glad that you didn't quit on me."_

* * *

Britt squeezed my hand tightly and I squeezed back as I stared at the ceiling, trapped in my own thoughts.

It seemed like I had been pregnant every time I turned around.

2011...2012...2013 and now 2014...it was like every bad thing ever said about me was coming true.

At this rate I would make it out of my twenties with a million kids.

I heard a sniffle from beside me and so I turned to look at my wife.

She was looking towards the window but I could still see the flush in her cheeks.

_"B?"_

She looked at me and shook her head.

She didn't want to talk about it.

The tears in her eyes and the way that she was nibbling on her lips told me enough.

This was not cool with her but she of all people wasn't going to push me to get rid of it.

_"I'm fine." _She whispered.

_"You're not." _

_"Please..." _She looked over at Dr. Cabot and then back at me._ "Not now." _

I nodded and let her be for now.

We had to figure this out.

I wouldn't allow this to break us.

* * *

_"Everything is looking much better. You are healing ahead of schedule and as long as you take vitamins and get plenty of exercise, there is no reason that this pregnancy should be high risk. I'll see you in a few weeks."_

Dr. Cabot gave me a short smile and then made her way out of the room.

I looked over at Britt and noticed that she still wasn't looking my way at all.

Her head was down and she was scrolling through her phone.

She still held onto my hand but I could feel the barrier that was between us now.

I knew in that moment that even if we somehow fixed this gap between us that this child would always separate us.

She would love it and be just as amazing a mother to it as she is to Isaac and Daniela but I wouldn't.

I knew myself...I was doing this only because of my morals...not because I actually wanted the baby.

Which is totally not a good reason to bring life into the world.

I felt coldness settle over me.

I was having a baby.

His baby.

There was no pretense...everyone knew what happened to me, it had even been on the news.

Columbia had been in the spotlight for weeks now and spring break had been extended a week as a result.

Reporters had been trying to find out who the unknown student was that had been victimized by Dr. Cray.

Mami had managed to keep my name out of the press release...but it wouldn't be hard to narrow it down.

People would know and this baby would be subject to ridicule.

But I wouldn't have an abortion...that was out of the question.

Suddenly the weight of it hit me.

I sat on the edge of the table with my hands over my face.

My whole body was shaking and I felt nauseous.

This wasn't right.

I should be allowed to put this behind me...how could I survive this?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I felt terrible.

How could I want her to get rid of the baby?

Hadn't I suffered enough for the both of us because of my own mistake?

I know that she is stronger than me.

I know that she will stand her ground and keep the baby and I will fall in love with him or her.

How is it any different from her having a baby with Ian...I mean yea obviously it was a rape...but she didn't plan Isaac.

She was pregnant out of nowhere...she didn't even know who the father was for a long time.

My head was everywhere.

I wanted to support her but I just knew that this was going to tear her apart.

All the careful plans that I had made while she was in the coma were all screwed up again.

There was no way that I was going to leave her...even if she kept this baby.

Maybe adoption?

But she wouldn't be able...this was a piece of her too.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

What was I supposed to do?

How was I supposed to feel...happy?

When your wife is pregnant...you are supposed to be happy...right?

I kept staring down at the screen of my phone just so that I didn't have to look at her.

Her hand was cold and sweaty as I held it tightly.

Even with my head going a million different ways, I wouldn't just let go of her.

Not right now.

If ever!

I was in this...I meant that.

* * *

_"Britt? Did you hear me at all?"_

I looked up and I realized just how spaced out I must have been.

Ana is standing in front of me, fully dressed with my duffel bag over her shoulder.

_"Huh?"_

Dr. Cabot was gone and from the looks of it, Ana was freshly showered.

_"It's time to go...I asked if you drove here or we need to take a cab."_

She sighed and ran her hands over her face a few times.

She was trying to be calm and I wasn't helping.

This was the rehab's fault.

My doctor had gotten me off my meds and with constant therapy and lots of coffee...I had been fine.

But at the rehab they insist you take whatever meds you are prescribed...so I had gone back on my meds.

And now I was off them again...cold turkey.

I couldn't really focus anymore.

I guess I thought I could do things just like my therapist had.

Now I would probably have to start all over again.

There was a sudden movement in front of my eyes.

She was snapping now trying to get my attention.

I had spaced again.

_"Sorry...I uh...took a cab here." _

_"You've been fucking with your meds again...great."_

She was snappy now.

_"I'm sorry." _

_"Don't...lets just...go." _

_"Where?"_ I asked as I looked at her.

_"Home." _

_"Which one?"_

_"Damnit Britt...I don't really care. I just want to leave this fucking hospital...please?"_

Her voice broke on the last word and that's when I looked at her face.

Apparently I hadn't before.

I had been staring at her stomach and talking.

Which I'm sure made things worse between us.

She was crying and her mascara was making dark lines on her cheeks.

_"Please don't cry."_

I blinked a few times and tried to get my brain to catch up.

She threw her hands up in the air and growled.

_"Please...I need you right now...be here with me! Please B?"_

She was sobbing now as she wrapped her arms around herself and dropped her head.

I was on my feet in an instant.

Seeing her body shake like that made me nervous.

We couldn't go back to that.

Back to the way things were before this all happened.

* * *

I sighed in relief when Ari and Gloria were waiting for us in the lobby with a cab waiting.

Ana didn't seem surprised.

She hugged both of them and then climbed right into the cab while still holding Ari's hand.

She didn't want to be next to me.

It stung a bit but I just swallowed the feeling and went to let Gloria climb in but she just shook her head and told us she had to get to work.

As I watched her walk away, I felt jealous...I wanted to go with her.

Even though her world was all suits and serious faces, it seemed better than fixing Ana.

She was feeling so hurt and I didn't know how to fix it because I was hurting too.

I just wasn't sure what to do anymore.

I couldn't help her like this...I needed to get myself under control so when I saw that we were heading past a pharmacy, I jumped into action.

_"Stop!"_ I yelled out.

The cab jerked and Ana went flying forward but thankfully Ari was fast and reached out her arm.

_"Shit Brittany! Seriously...what's wrong!"_ Ana said as she looked across Ari.

_"I need to get something...can you hold the cab a second?"_

Before she could respond, I jumped out the car and ran across traffic.

Cars beeped and I nearly got hit because I was trying to count the money in my wallet.

This was getting dangerous.

I had made the right decision.

* * *

When I got back to the cab, I had already taken the pills and was hoping that I was a bit better.

Ana was asleep against Ari's shoulder with even more dark lines going down her cheeks.

She had been crying more and this time it had been in front of Ari...which was worse than when we were alone.

Ari didn't say anything to me though as I got the cab going again.

There weren't any words...besides she had been weird with me ever since I had started acting more like her boss then her friend.

So I knew that even if she wanted to...she wasn't going to say anything...at least not to me.

I wouldn't be surprised if Quinn or Gladys yelled at me though.

_"I needed my medicine."_ I whispered without looking at her.

_"I know."_ Ari whispered back.

_"How long has she been asleep?"_

_"Not long...she was crying hard and making that face she gets when her head hurts, so I told her to close her eyes."_

I looked at Ana and could see that she was awake now.

Her eyes were glazed over as she stared straight ahead.

_"I'm sorry Ana."_ I said, reaching over to touch her.

She flinched and then brought her glazed eyes up so that she could look at me.

_"Don't."_ Her voice was cracked as she moved my hand back to my lap.

Her touch was still cold and her hand was shaking now.

This was not good.

And just like that I knew that I didn't want to go to TriBeCa.

_"Excuse me...cab driver?"_

But it was too late...we were pulling up outside our old house.

Ana had already known that she didn't want to be in our apartment with me.

So we had gone to her mom's.

It stung.

My chest was tight as I stepped out on the curb.

I pulled a fifty out of my wallet to give to the driver but Ari put her hand on mine.

_"I paid already."_

I nodded and numbly put my money away.

* * *

Ana walked past me and up the stairs until she was standing at the front door.

It took me a moment to catch up to her because my brain was still foggy, so when I got to the top stoop she was already stepping into the foyer and hugging her mom.

They were talking in Spanish...all of them because Ari was talking to her too.

I felt left out so I walked past them and straight up the stairs.

I had to pee.

And get my thoughts together.

Even with the meds working their way into my system...I was still drifting.

This situation was too much all at once.

I just needed to think.

When I walked past the nursery, I saw that the kids weren't here and that's when I remembered that they were with Sandra.

And here I had been secretly hoping that we would get here and Ana would be fine once she saw the kids.

But that wasn't the case.

Instead...it was me and them.

Separated by this big issue.

What was I supposed to do?

* * *

I sat there rolling the tissue around my hand when my phone buzzed on the countertop in front of me.

I finished wiping myself and then stood to my feet.

I flushed the toilet and the sound shocked me.

My mind was all of a sudden here with me.

I was super aware of everything around me.

The noises and even the temperature.

My phone buzzed again and I looked down at the screen.

It was my mom.

So I washed my hands, splashed my face with water and then dried them.

The phone call ended before I could answer but I called her right back.

She never called me, so I figured this was about Ana giving her the house in West Lima.

Really though, I didn't care what it was about.

Sometimes a girl just needs her mother.

This was that moment for me.

* * *

_"My long-lost daughter!"_ She chuckled into the phone.

Suddenly I felt weepy.

I missed her.

It had been way too long since we had spoken last.

Ana and Gladys never went more than a day without speaking,

I was a bad daughter.

_"Hi Mom. I love you."_

I never said that without her saying it first, so I wasn't surprised to be met with silence at first.

_"I love you too, Brittany."_

_"I miss you so much."_

_"I miss you, baby. What's wrong?"_

Her voice was all of a sudden serious and now I felt worse because I was making her worry.

She had been so happy when she picked up but now she wasn't.

It seemed like I was ruining everyone's moods today.

I looked up into the mirror and could see how dark my eyes were.

What I also noticed was how serious and cold I looked.

I wasn't happy.

And it was scary because I couldn't even remember how to be happy.

_"N-nothing. I'm...things are just...I'm fine."_

I finally settled on that answer.

It was safe.

Ana was really sensitive and I wasn't sure how much my mom knew about what had happened.

So for now...she just had to think that I was fine.

Everyone did.

I couldn't be more than that.

It was what I kept saying anytime anyone had shown concern since this all started.

I would just smile and tell them that I was fine.

And up until now...I had believed that I was...but now that I said it to my mother...I knew that it was a bold faced lie.

_"I thought we moved past lying." _

_"I can't...I need you mom...can you come to New York?"_

She sighed and then I heard papers shifting.

_"I don't know if we can afford it right now, honey." _

_"I'll pay for it...I don't care...just please...Mom I need you." _

_"Okay. I'll come."_

I felt relief wash over me, knowing that I wouldn't be alone.

I needed someone to save me from my thoughts and actions.

Really...I just needed her to hug me.

Gladys was there all the time for me but at the end of the day...she wasn't my mother.

She was Ana's.

I just needed to feel less alone.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was a wreck.

And I felt so alone.

Why was she pulling away from me right now?

I was hunched over the guest room toilet throwing up my whole existence and weeping at the same time.

I needed her.

She was acting like this was something that I had chosen.

There was pounding on the door but I refused to open it.

_"Anita...please...let me be here for you!"_

I cried hard as I rested my head against the cold seat.

It was rare that I ignored Ari...but there was nothing she could do.

There was an emptiness in me as I cried.

I didn't want anyone but Britt and she wasn't here.

She wasn't with me and it was my own fucking fault.

My own pride had landed me here.

Pregnant and alone.

Again.

* * *

I don't know at what point I fell asleep but I did.

The door slammed open and I jerked awake.

It took me a second to register my location or why my hair smelled like vomit.

_"Are you okay?"_

The words were meant to sound comforting...I'm sure of it...

But in that moment looking up at Britt...they sounded cold and unfeeling...

Everything about her did.

Her eyes were dark and even her posture looked unwelcoming.

I was a mess as I leaned back against the side of the tub and began to cry again.

This was becoming unbearable.

_"I'm fine."_ I said after I wiped my eyes and looked at her again.

Her meds must have kicked in because she was my Brittany again.

She knelt in front of me and pressed her cool hands against my cheeks and then slid her fingers over my face.

She was wiping the tears that I had missed.

I froze as she leaned forward and kissed my lips.

My gross, chapped lips felt so dry against the softness of hers,

But she didn't seem to mind.

* * *

Our moment lasted a while.

She was reaching out to me and even though she still felt a bit disconnected...I could tell that she was trying.

She never had to try this hard before.

I guess seeing me afterwards finally opened her eyes.

Something about me now disgusted her.

I disgusted her and it broke my heart.

_"I'm not going anywhere...so stop thinking that way."_

I looked up into her eyes and could see her searching mine.

We both felt so lost and helpless.

How would we do this?

_"How are we going to do this, B?"_

_"Like we do everything else...with faith and one day at a time." _

I could tell by the tone in her voice that she was trying hard to believe her own words.

_"I'm so fucking freaked out by this, Britt."_

She nodded and then dropped her hands down to my stomach.

_"This is our baby...that's how we have to think about it."_

I shook my head.

_"But it's not." _

_"Then what do you want to do?"_

_"I-I can't do this...I can't keep it."_

I had been feeling the words floating around in my head but speaking them out loud gave them a finality that hadn't existed previously.

I was actually thinking about how I could get rid of it.

When had I become such a monster?

_"Are you sure?"_

She was crying now as she ran her fingers under my shirt and over my stomach.

I knew that she had been thinking it but now that it was actually on the table...she looked unsure.

I shook my head and brought my finger to my mouth.

She didn't stop me as I chewed on my nail.

_"I'm not sure...tell me what to do...please?"_

But I knew.

She wasn't going to do that...she couldn't have control over this.

Grady had told her what he wanted and she still regretted doing it.

She shook her head and then leaned in closer until she was completely kneeling between my legs.

Feeling her pressed against me provided a sense of comfort that I hadn't felt from her in longer than I liked to admit.

I rested against her shoulder and breathed in the sweet scent of her.

She lightly rubbed my back and just held me.

_"Do you...want to get an abor-"_

I shook my head.

_"No! I-I can't."_

My answer was automatic.

It came from my soul.

Feeling the sigh of relief come from her, told me that I did the right thing for us.

She didn't want this baby...but she didn't want to kill it either.

_"Then we need to come up with a plan...okay?"_

_"Okay, B."_

_"Good."_

She went to pull away but I pulled her against me again.

_"Stay...please?"_

_"I'm here."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Somehow, knowing that mom and dad were both coming the next day, helped me to get myself together.

I had hung up after giving mom my debit card information so that she could book the tickets and I felt fixed somehow.

I still felt horrible about everything but all of a sudden...I don't know...I felt like it would work out.

Like this gap between us would be fixed.

My faith had kicked in.

As I made my way downstairs, it disturbed me just how quiet it was.

Ari was sitting in the living room in a deep discussion with Gladys...in English.

They both looked at me with sad eyes.

She must have told them everything...

I think.

_"Where's Ana?"_

My voice sounded unused.

It was scratchy and I could feel that there was a really big heaviness in the house.

How much of that had I created?

* * *

They told me that they both tried to get her out of the bathroom but she wouldn't open the door.

She had been throwing up again...so they left her alone...they had been trying to figure out how to get me to help her.

I asked them if they could just leave us for awhile so Gladys said that it was a good time to go see Ari's new place.

Pa was playing golf so he wouldn't be back all day.

When I got to the bathroom door...I was met by silence.

_"Ana?"_

She didn't answer.

_"Ana...please?"_

Nothing.

I pressed my ear to the door and that's when I heard her snoring.

It wasn't loud but I could hear it.

She had fallen asleep.

Thankfully, I had learned to carry a pick on my keys.

When you're with someone like Ana long enough...you just learn to be prepared.

Of course, seeing her asleep on the toilet seat was not something she had done before.

So I kind of wasn't prepared for that.

My heart nearly stopped when I saw the kind of shape that she was in.

I had left her like this.

Now that I was clear headed...I was able to read her better and I didn't like what I saw one bit.

We were married now...for real this time.

I had to be a better wife to her.

She needed me more than ever and I had forgotten that somehow.

But not anymore.

* * *

I somehow managed to get her into the shower after she finally decided not to have an abortion.

She stood there with her head against the wall staring at nothing while the water pounded down on her.

I stepped closer and she shook herself out of her daze.

_"Tell me something good, B."_ She whispered.

_"I'm here and I'm not leaving you."_

I loved the way her eyes lit up for just a split second.

Her lips moved into a small smile and there was a small moan.

I didn't move as I watched her fingers twitch.

_"Promise me?"_

She was begging me.

Like beyond tears, begging.

I stepped closer until we were close enough to breathe each other in.

I linked our pinkies and smiled at her.

_"I double pinky promise, I'm staying."_

* * *

I didn't expect it.

She had me pressed against the cold wall in an instant.

I moaned as I felt her hands all over me.

She rarely took over anymore.

And until that moment, I didn't realize how much I had missed it.

Missed her.

She moved her knee between my legs and then began to kiss my neck softly.

_"I love you."_ She whispered as she slowly massaged my boobs.

_"Mmm...I love you."_

She smiled up at me and ran her hands over my arms until she was cupping my face.

_"Thank you for taking your meds, B."_

I nodded and then leaned forward and sucked her lip between my teeth.

I didn't want to talk anymore.

We could talk later.

Right now we just needed each other.

* * *

I needed to just be assured of why I stayed...why I was in this.

I know it's silly because I knew she didn't choose what he did to her...

My mind though still felt like she wasn't mine anymore...

He had taken her from me...

I needed to remember who I was to her and as she pressed her fingers inside of me and kissed me fiercely...it started to come back to me.

Quinn once said our love was epic and I thought it was weird but now...with everything crumbling around us once again...

I knew that she was right.

Ana and I were epic.

* * *

**_A/N: Love...is epic ;)_ **


	53. Chapter 53:Dontchange

**Chapter 53: Dontchange (Musiq)**

* * *

**_...with everything crumbling around us once again..._**

**_I knew that she was right._**

**_Ana and I were epic._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

As she came down from her high, I stepped away and let her catch her breath.

She kept making these breathy little moans that just did something for me.

But I needed to wait and make sure that this was okay.

So that's what I did.

I stood there feeling vulnerable and unsure of myself as I waited to see her eyes.

Ever since I had known Britt, if there was anything that I needed to know...I just had to look into her eyes.

No matter how much she was trying to fight it off...they would always give her away.

That's why I fought so hard when she was choking me...I saw the love and regret in her eyes.

Her brain was just on the fritz.

It felt like an eternity as the water that hit my burning back, eventually went cold.

Britt was still standing there with her eyes closed, her tongue trapped between her lips and her head thrown back.

Normally it didn't take this long.

She looked like she was in heaven and so I wasn't going to say anything about it.

It was good to know that I could still do that for her,

So I would wait.

She was still trying to catch her breath and I wanted to give her that.

Even if I was starting to break apart.

I was incredibly vulnerable and these new hormones had me wishing that I could just read her mind already.

This was driving me crazy.

I needed reassurance.

Did she still love me?

My soul ached and my head felt so full.

* * *

Finally, I just tried to distract myself.

She obviously wasn't going anywhere at the moment.

So instead I focused on me.

Just for a moment, I allowed myself to think.

I rested my hands over my flat stomach knowing that somewhere in there was a baby...one that would break my world right open.

How would I explain to that little piece of life how it was conceived.

Did I even need to?

Maybe in this case an abortion would be kind...

Then again...maybe not.

I was still unsure.

My fingers were shaking as I kept tracing the scars that still existed from the children that I had already bore.

Isaac Aden and Daniela Amaris.

Izzy and Dani...

My angels...my blessings.

Would I think of this baby the same way?

The scars weren't insanely noticeable...but I knew that they were there.

I would run my fingers across them every chance that I could.

Most of them were from Daniela since I made it further into my pregnancy with her.

It was a road map of my struggles and my triumphs.

Drug Addiction...abuse...loss...sickness...and even dying.

I had survived and they were proof of that.

The old Santana would freak about there being scars on my perfect abs...but this Santana...the war weary one...is proud of them.

They spoke volumes about who I was and more important than that...who I no longer am.

My children are here.

They're safe.

And healthy.

But most of all...my children are loved.

Every tantrum...every cry...every boo boo...is loved.

I could love this baby...

Innocent and fresh to the world.

That's why I was keeping it.

Because despite my fear, I knew that this baby would have all the love that I could give to it.

Even if no one else loved it...I knew that me and Britt always would.

Or at least that was my hope.

Even if a small part of me wondered if it would change when the baby got here.

If Britt would still love me the same.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It felt amazing to be hers.

Marrying her was definitely the best decision I could have made.

There will never be anyone that can love me like Ana does.

Just knowing how much she loves me and is devoted to me makes things better.

Makes things real.

I was hers...now and always.

We were meant for each other.

I understood that and was proud of it...now.

It had taken me time to figure that out.

When I was younger...I was dumber.

I didn't see that what everyone else was looking for...I already had.

Ana was perfect for me.

Nobody came close to the perfection that was my wife.

Frankie was rough all the time...never sweet.

Grady just wanted to have sex in as many places as possible.

And then Rachel was just way too bossy for someone as controlling as me.

With Ana, it was always perfect.

She always knew what I needed and she always gave me a chance to direct her.

She knew every inch of my body and no matter where she touched me, it always felt like she was everywhere at the same time.

I could feel her love with every movement and I loved that the most.

She was in tune with my every breath and it made things so intense and satisfying.

I was tuned in to her too.

Usually.

I loved her so much that it hurt sometimes.

My head hurt sometimes when I thought of how much I had let her down.

Even through everything...she had always loved me.

As crazy as that sounds.

And I was starting to love her the same way.

Unending.

* * *

Even if right now though...I felt deaf, dumb...and blind as I laid my head back.

I knew something was off.

I knew that she was way too quiet.

And I knew that I should be doing something.

But I needed to get myself together, first.

It had been awhile for me and I forgot how good she could make me feel.

At first I thought she had left the shower but I could feel her near me.

And if I had looked at her in that exact moment, I would have seen the big fat tears on her cheeks but I was in my own world.

Sometimes learning lessons is hard for me.

Hadn't we just had a problem because I was pulling away?

Now look at me.

And it was selfish...I just didn't want to open my eyes because I was afraid of what I would see in her eyes.

That moment was so amazing that I didn't want anything to ruin it.

I was afraid that she would regret this...silly right?

I knew, though, that keeping my eyes closed was stupid.

She needed me and I couldn't let her down.

So I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

Once again, I didn't like what I saw.

She was standing there, shaking as the water hit her and she didn't look happy.

In fact, she looked the exact opposite.

I think.

Her eyes were as black as the sky at night.

And usually that meant she was scared.

I just don't know why she would be.

She wasn't alone.

Right?

And yet, she was still scared.

Still sad.

She was staring right past me, focused completely on the wall next to me,

I could see just how much crying she had done in the moments since making me come harder than I ever had.

Had I really kept my eyes closed for that long?

Was she feeling insecure?

Her face was twisted up and she looked like she was going to break apart.

She looked angry, and sad, and scared, and broken all at once.

I had waited too long.

But I was confident that I could fix it.

If she is my everything then I know for a fact that I am hers.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I took a deep breath and broke myself away from all my doubts and worries.

We had just shared an amazing moment and here I was focusing on something that I couldn't change.

I had just made love to her for the first time as my wife...and I didn't want to taint it.

Well...not anymore than I already had.

Her eyes were open now and I could see her staring at me...but I wasn't looking at her directly.

I was too afraid to.

In her eyes, exists my very world and I don't want it to break anymore than it already has.

_"Ana?"_ Her voice was raspy...more than I had ever heard before.

It sent tingles down my spine.

She was incredibly hot and I wanted to jump her again.

That voice melted me like butter.

It got my attention.

I looked up at her finally and the moment that our eyes met...I felt tingles run through me.

She was smiling and looking at me with so much love and light that it made me feel like I was floating.

I shouldn't worry so much.

She loves me.

_"Britt?"_ I whispered back as I stepped up close to her again.

_"Yea?"_ She said again as she cupped my cheek and then leaned close enough to kiss me.

I felt her warm breath tickle my face and couldn't hold myself back.

Her voice was just too hot.

She was too hot.

* * *

I pushed forward and captured her lips.

But then before she could kiss me back, I pulled my face away.

_"Hold me?" _I asked...wanting to feel her body against mine.

I just needed some reassurance.

_"Gladly."_

She pulled my face forward and then wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me flush against her.

This was exactly where I wanted to be.

I would do everything in my power to make sure it was where she wanted to be too.

After that day with Dr. Cray...the only touches that I ever wanted were from Britt.

I didn't trust anyone more than I trusted her.

She was mine.

And I loved it!

Our kisses were slow and sweet.

Everything for us in that moment was just about us.

Not about anything that had happened in the past or would happen in the future.

Just us...loving each other.

The way it should always be.

I moved my arms around her back and squeezed her to me tightly.

Nothing felt more right than this.

Than us.

Here...together.

That's when I realized how flawed my doubts had been.

We could do this.

I could do this...I just had to keep reminding myself of one fact...

Britt loved me.

And I loved her...that was all that mattered.

Screw the past.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Once we were out of the shower, we moved silently around each other while we got dressed.

Thankfully, Gladys had been prepared and we had our own clothes waiting for us.

I could tell that Ana wanted to talk to me more about things...but I wasn't ready yet.

And I don't think that she was either.

So I was going to wait for her to come to me about it.

Ana looked like she had so many things going through her mind and I really didn't want to get in the way of that...

Especially since I had my own things to think about,

Like the fact that tomorrow I had to return to work and how she hasn't seen the kids but once in the last three weeks.

On top of that...my parents were coming and I hadn't told her yet.

Plus...she had school.

If she even wanted to go back.

Definitely though, she needed some time at home with the kids.

That was important.

They needed her and she needed them.

I feel like I should be there with her just in case she needed me...but then something hit me.

Literally.

I felt something hit the back of my head and I turned to see Ana kneeling on the bed with a huge grin on her face.

I reached down and picked up the balled up socks that were at my feet and held them out to her.

_"Did you just throw these at me?"_ She sucked her lips into her mouth, trying to hold back her laughter. I smiled at her as I watched the glow on her skin and the light in her eyes. I loved this version of her best. She didn't speak though but her look of guilt told me what I needed to know. _"Did you want something?"_

She shook her head and then lunged forward and cupped my face with both hands.

_"Just this."_ She whispered before kissing my face.

First my forehead, then my cheeks, my chin and then just when I thought that my lips were her next destination, she kissed the tip of my nose.

This was what Quinn did to Izzy and Dani every time that she saw them, it's what she referred to as a super-kiss.

And now I was getting one.

Except usually the nose is where the kiss stops...

Ana though winked at me before diving in and crashing against my lips.

I put my hands on her hips and allowed her to pull me forward.

She couldn't keep her hands off of me.

And I was really liking it.

* * *

We were both kneeling in the center of the bed now.

Arms wrapped around each other and lips fighting to kiss more.

She nibbled on my lip and I couldn't help but smile.

Forever, that will get me to give in and let her top me.

I reached around and gripped her ass in my hands and then threw myself back so that she was landing on top of me.

I looked up at her and smiled before kissing her lips quickly.

She sat up and readjusted herself.

And I felt anxiety go through me because her lips were too far away.

So I pouted.

She shook her head and let out a small laugh before leaning down and gripping my hair in her hands.

Her lips met mine as she grinded against me.

I was rubbing her ass and she kept whimpering.

She let out a moan as I moved my thigh between her legs and I chuckled against her lips.

This was amazingly perfect.

* * *

_"Girls?"_

Well almost.

We froze as we heard a knock on the door

Ana shot up from the bed way too fast so she ended up doubled over from the pain of moving her back too fast.

_"You okay?"_ I whispered as I followed her down onto the floor.

She looked at me and nodded with little tears in her eyes.

_"Not as young as I used to be."_

I laughed and helped her to straighten herself up.

_"You are still hot in your old age."_

She brushed her thumb sweetly over my face.

I went to lean in and kiss her but she was faster.

She winked and then made a dash over to the door and pulled it open.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Even though it was a ruined moment of bliss...I was kind of happy for the distraction.

My body was on fire and even though I wanted to go at it with Britt for eternity...my body wasn't ready.

I had just ignored the pain and focused on the awesomeness of it all.

Of course that was until leaping up from the bed caused the pain to jolt my senses.

It was so intense that it knocked the wind out of me.

And even though most people would bitch and moan about it,

I couldn't help but laugh.

Of course when I want to have sex, my body would protest.

My body didn't give a shit about my needs.

Such is life.

I do feel a little bad though.

Britt had looked panicked when she saw my pain but I just brushed it off because I was still healing.

The pain sucked but I had to play it off.

Otherwise, I knew for a fact that she wouldn't touch me in the upcoming days, she would treat me like glass.

And I couldn't have that.

I had needs that had to be dealt with.

* * *

_"Hi Pa...how are you?!"_

I hadn't seen my godfather since the police station and so I had promised myself that the neck time I saw him, I would make up for how I acted.

Even if I didn't really have control over the way that I was...out of everyone...I think I was the worst to him.

_"Mi'ja!"_

He leaned down and wrapped his arms around me lightly.

Mami must have told him about all of my pains.

Usually I got a really tight bear hug.

_"I'm so sorry about that night."_ I whispered as he held me.

I could feel the hesitation in his breathing.

He was holding back from me.

_"I understand."_

_"I'm still really sorry. I'll tell you anything that you want to know." _

I heard a harsh snort from behind me and knew that Britt still didn't know things.

Maybe we shouldn't be having this conversation.

I took a step back from Pa and looked up at him.

He smiled at me and I could see that he had somehow aged since I had seen him last.

_"Actually...things happened the way that they were supposed to. No need to tell me anything." _

_"Oh...okay."_

I looked over at Britt and could see that she was packing up our things into the duffel bag.

From the looks of it, she was ready to leave.

_"Britt Britt...you okay?"_ I asked as I took a step from the door and towards her.

She held her hand out and gave me a sweet and tired smile.

_"Yea...I'm going to catch a cab and go get my your car from the apartment...then when I come back...we can go home?"_

_"You don't have to go alone...I can come with you."_

She shook her head.

_"It's fine...I need to make a stop at the theater on my way just to see what my schedule looks like this week. Your phone is in the bathroom charging, besides...you two should really talk."_

She ran her fingers around the side of my face and slipped them into my hair.

Her smile was silly and sweet as she leaned in and finally kissed me, long and hard.

I kissed back and then pulled back and looked up into her eyes.

_"I love you, B." _

_"I love you too. Always."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It took everything that I was in me to walk away from Hector.

He had been really mean to me and I didn't want to bring Ana into it.

But she was smart and I knew that she would catch on once I left.

At first I asked the cab driver to take me to TriBeCa but then I changed my mind.

I ended up outside of Ari's apartment looking for Gladys instead.

There was no way that I could keep this in anymore and since before today I hadn't had the opportunity to really be alone with her, I knew that this was my chance.

If anyone could fix things before they got bad...it was Gladys.

**_Still hme?-Britt_**

**_Yep. Gladys just left-Ari_**

**_Tnx-Britt_**

_"Brittany? Where's my daughter?"_

I raised my head and there she was walking onto the street.

_"Hey Ma...she's with Hector...I needed to talk to you alone. I'm headed to the apartment...want to come there? I need to get Ana's truck then I can drive you home."_

_"Sure."_

_"Okay...thanks."_

_"Is everything alright? Are you in trouble?"_

I bit my lips as I hailed a cab...trouble wasn't exactly it.

This was more like a bully.

A cab pulled up and so I avoided saying anything just yet.

* * *

_"So tell me, Brittany...what's going on with you?"_

I reached over and wrapped my hand around hers.

_"You need to get Hector to back off. He wants to get in between me and Ana. The last three weeks whenever he could...he would say things about me being stupid for letting this happen. He would make small comments when he knew that I was near him. I tried to ignore him but it hasn't been easy."_

I didn't expect Gladys to be so quiet once I told her.

She just looked ahead and nodded.

_"I didn't think he would do that...his temper gets the best of him sometimes. He forgets himself. I'll talk to him and get him to back off."_

_"Good...until then...we won't be coming back to that house, that includes the kids. I won't have my family around that."_

That got her attention.

She didn't argue though.

I was hurt and I needed to protect myself.

_"I understand."_

_"Good."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I walked Britt to the door and waited until she was safely in a cab before turning around and staring down Pa.

He was sitting on the couch, hands on his knees staring straight ahead looking pale and withdrawn.

They were both being weird.

I stood in front of him with my hands on my hips, feeling a little annoyed.

_"Do you want to tell me what happened between you two before she does?"_

He looked up at me and then swallowed a few times before shaking his head.

_"I was a complete asshole to her in the last few weeks...I'm surprised that she didn't slap me." _

_"How bad was it?"_

_"Embarrassingly so." _

_"For her or for you?"_

_"Both...definitely for her though." _

_"What did you do?"_

_My skin itched as I stood my ground. _

Never in all my life had I raised my voice at Padrino.

He was my safe haven whenever Papi had been a little too heavy handed in that Puck and Q were dealing with baby gate.

I needed him and he was there.

Now though something had happened and he had literally run Britt out the door.

I had never seen her rush out of a place before.

_"Tell me what happened."_

_"Come sit with me."_

_"No...I don't really feel like it right now. "_

Pa must love being taller than people. Because he wasn't going to allow me to stand over him.

He stood to his feet and walked past me and into the kitchen.

I sighed and followed him.

I knew what he was doing and even though I didn't like that he was doing it...I knew that he wasn't a drunk like Papi.

When I got into the kitchen he had two glasses and a bottle of whiskey sitting on the table.

Despite me being on medication and everything that I had been through with addiction he was pouring me a glass.

My palm itched as my hand hovered over the glass.

I wasn't a drunk.

One glass was fine...right?

I slid into the booth and held the glass in my hands and waited for him to sit across from me.

He brought the bottle over and was refilling his glass.

I brought the glass to my lips and sniffed it.

My nostrils burned as the scent hit the back of my throat.

_"I know that you love that girl. I know what she means to you...I just...think that she's too dumb for you. If you hadn't met her you would be graduating this year and on your way to law school...she stifles you."_

My fingers tightened on the glass as I took in his words.

He put his palms on the table and looked at me with so much conviction that I almost laughed.

He had lost it.

_"Perdóname Pa, but you don't know shit about my wife."_

With that I took a huge swallow of the harsh liquid.

_"She's no good for you. She isn't goo enough."_

I sat there with my jaw slightly open as I felt my body go rigid.

I was trying to still show some respect even though I wanted to kick in his teeth.

_"That is the mother of my children...my wife."_

And that's when I remembered.

I was pregnant...and I was drinking and I was an addict.

I pushed the glass away and sat back against a cushion.

I was so angry at him as at myself.

_"You are the mother of your children."_

_"What...did you say to her?"_

He sighed and covered his face.

_"It doesn't matter."_

I slammed my hand down on the table causing him the jump and knock over the bottle of whiskey.

I jumped up just in time to avoid being spilled on.

_"You know what...you're right...it doesn't matter. What you say and what you feel about me and the woman who I love doesn't fucking matter! You will not do this to me...not again!"_

I stormed from the kitchen and straight into the guest room.

I slammed the door behind me and locked it behind me.

My head was aching as I thought about what he had said to me.

The fucking nerve it must take to say that shit to a person.

Unsolicited advice is the worst fucking kind.

* * *

Once I was in the bathroom, I broke down.

The tears came and so did the nausea.

This needed to be the last time that I made stupid mistakes while pregnant.

Even though this wasn't planned, I still wanted to have a healthy pregnancy.

This baby would not suffer because of me.

I shoved my fingers to the back of my throat as hard as I could until the burning liquid came back up.

I knew that it would still get into my bloodstream but it wouldn't be enough to hurt the baby.

Thankfully.

How could Pa let me drink?

Mami had to have told him about the pregnancy.

Maybe it was on purpose...

My phone buzzed as I leaned over the sink and wiped my face clean.

I couldn't let him get to me like this.

But this wasn't the first time that he had stuck his nose in my business.

I guess I just didn't expect him to do it again.

Especially when it comes to someone so much more important to me than a silly high school fling.

_"Hey."_ I whispered.

_"I'm outside."_

_"Okay...ill be out in a second."_

_"K."_

_"Hey Brittany?"_

I heard her suck in a breath.

I had used her full name on purpose...I wanted her to know how serious I was.

_"Yes?"_

_"I love you so much, baby and I am so sorry for how he treated you."_

She sighed and made a small grunt.

_"Come outside."_

_"Okay."_

I didn't bother saying anything to Pa as I grabbed my phone and charger and headed out of the house.

There weren't any words for how I felt about him.

Just a shit load of emotions.

* * *

**_A/N: Needed to fill this gap...next chapter we get some laughter...some tears...and some loose end tying...in the home stretch and it feels good!_ **


	54. Chapter 54:The Great Escape

**A/N: I tried to avoid this for as long as I could...but in the beginning it was my plan and I have to follow it through. Please be gentle! This song was just there and so was I and out this came. **

**Enjoy it.**

* * *

**Chapter 54: The Great Escape (P!nk) **

* * *

_**There weren't any words for how I felt about him.**_

_**Just a shit load of emotions.**_

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"I have been through this a zillion times before...and each time it turned out to be the worst."_

_"Doesn't mean that it's always going to be that way, it could be different this time around, Ariana."_

_"I wish I had as much faith as you do."_

_"Its not the amount of faith baby...it's that you have it at all."_

_"Well right now I don't have any."_

_"Don't say things like that...I know you have faith." _

I looked down into those midnight black eyes and saw that comforting little smile that Gloria reserves just for me and tried to smile back.

But the sound of the machines around me and the smell of disinfectant made it drop.

_"Okay...but if it is Cancer again...are you going to leave me?"_

Now she wasn't smiling anymore.

She looked offended and I felt sick about it.

_"Ari...I promise you, this...what you and I have, is the real deal. I don't plan on going anywhere. Ever." _

_"You say that now...but it could get bad. I mean really bad. I wouldn't blame you if you decided to leave." _

My heart was racing as she wrapped her arms around me and held me.

_"Never. I'm going to marry you one day...I can't do that if I leave...can I?"_ She whispered before kissing my face and pulling me closer.

_"I love you, Gloria." _

_"Te amo, Ariana." _

I rested my face against hers and tried to stay positive.

Her love was pushing me through this.

She was my faith.

My hope.

And even though now, I knew that she was in this...it was still hard to believe that things would end up okay.

It took everything in me to try and pull out my faith as I waited for my test results.

I should be a pro at this...but it hurts just as bad, every single time.

* * *

Things had started a week ago...I was nearly done my time off and was all set to go back to the show when I got really sick.

I pushed through it and went on stage.

Thankfully it was just a rehearsal.

I kept dancing in hopes that things would just calm down...but then the incident happened two days ago.

Just before curtain call, I felt a wetness soaking my legs.

Right there on the stage...I peed myself.

It was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

Thankfully...Katie was standing in front of me and moved onto center stage in my place.

Nobody but her and Frank had seen.

The moment that he got me backstage...he insisted that I don't come back until I went back to the doctor.

Up until that point, I was going to wait it out.

My logic was that if I was going to die...then there was no better place than the stage in the very auditorium that my mother took her last breath in.

Morbid...I know.

Gloria though...was not going to let me go out without a fight.

So now here I was...waiting...endlessly.

_"Thank you for being here."_ I said as I squeezed her hand.

_"There is no place I would rather be than by your side." _

_"Sap."_ I tried my best to put on a brave face.

But on the inside...I was still a wreck.

Please God...just this once let it just be a fluke.

* * *

**Santana's POV **

* * *

When I stepped onto the sidewalk, I didn't expect for Mami to be standing there waiting for me.

Britt was already sitting in the car and from the looks of it she was on the passenger side.

She wanted me to drive.

I mean sure it was my truck but I really wasn't looking forward to driving with my back in so much pain.

_"Anything I should know before going in there to talk to him?"_

I felt my eyebrows raise as I met Mami's eyes.

_"I let him meddle in my life when it was me and Felo...I was grateful when he got me out of jams in high school...but him telling me that Brittany is too stupid for me...that shit just isn't cool with me."_

Her eyes got wide as she nodded.

_"You and Felo? Why don't I know about that?"_

_"Nobody did...look it was high school...right after my quincenera. It's silly. Right now...I'm more concerned with the fact that he thinks that he is my father. His word doesn't mean anything to me anymore and you know what else...I don't think I want to come by here anymore." _

_"I'll talk to him." _

_"I bet you will...but I don't think it's going to be good enough." _

_"Don't say that." _

_"No...I'm serious. Brittany is my entire world and he can't just come around and think that he can push her out of my life. Where was he when Marco was beating my ass or whoring me off to half of New York City?!"_

I knew that I was yelling in the middle of the street but I didn't care much at that moment.

For me, all that mattered was that Mami understood just how much her husband had just fucked me up.

This was one of those moments where even though it seemed like she was agreeing with me...I just couldn't be near her.

He was her husband and she had been around while I was in that coma.

She should have known something was up.

It took me like two seconds to figure out.

For someone who is a self-confessed intuitive person...she is way off.

Now that I think about it...she always has been.

And I knew that when everything was said and done...there was still shit that we needed to talk through.

Old wounds that had never properly healed...just covered up were starting to hurt again.

After all these years of peace between us, Pa was dragging them back to the surface.

I shouldn't have to deal with petty bullshit like this.

Especially now.

I was beyond pissed.

He had crossed the line.

I didn't give Mami the chance to respond, instead I just walked away.

I had enough.

* * *

Now that I was fuming mad, driving didn't really sound like a big feat.

I slammed the car door and then sat back.

When I felt the cool, softness behind me, I couldn't help but smile.

Britt knew me too well.

I looked over at her and could see that her face was flushed, she had been angry.

Now though she was smiling at me.

She was trying to hold back the emotions that she felt.

_"He's wrong, B and now both he and Mami both know it."_

I started the car and pulled out onto the street, hoping that I could just focus on getting home without getting more upset...

Then the bluetooth went off.

_"Call from Felix." _

_"Seriously..." _I grumbled as I turned towards the highway.

Pa must have called him.

_"Hello?" _

Just hearing Felix's voice made me smile.

There was so much underlying history between us.

And the feelings had never gone bad.

He was that guy for me.

I'm convinced that ever lesbian has one...the guy that you would marry if you weren't gay.

Maybe it's just me...who knows...but I used to know for a fact that Felix would be the guy for me.

He was easy to love and command.

Like a loyal puppy.

He was also my godbrother...which was why we were ended before we even got off the ground, once Pa found out about us...it was over.

_"Hey Felo...how are you?"_

_"Um...I was fine until Hector called me about ten minutes ago. I didn't pick up so he left this nasty message about how I needed to set you straight about things. Can you tell me why I need to set you straight?"_

_"What an asshole." _

_"Who me?"_

_"No...your godfather." _

_"My godfather...I believe you were always his pride and joy...I was just someone he ignored until I started dating you." _

_"What?" _Britt cut in.

I looked over at her and could see the irritation on her face.

I had never really told her that we were dating...just that we had fooled around.

_"Felo...Britt's in the car...can we talk about this later." _

_"No...you guys talk about it now...no more secrets." _Britt said as she rested her hand on my thigh.

_"Fine...he doesn't want me with Britt...the same way he didn't want me with you."_

_"We were kids though...you two are married with a bunch of kids." _He chuckled in disbelief.

_"That's what I said. He is crossing a million boundaries with me and I am done with him right now. So you are apparently supposed to set me straight." _

_"No offense...but I don't think ANYONE can set Santana Lopez straight...except Brittany." _

I looked over at Britt and could see that she was blushing.

Thankfully, Felo had completely turned her mood around by complimenting her.

_"Look, I don't want you dragged into this okay. Just ignore him...he's not your boss anymore...he can't fire you if you pay him just as much attention as he has paid you over the years, it should be enough to get him to back off." _

_"Ha! Which is none...good one. Okay...well, I just clocked some ass at 95 on Market. I need to go. Take care ladies and don't let him get to you Brittany...he's an asshole." _

* * *

**Gladys' POV**

* * *

_"Why did you do it?"_

_"Ay, Glady...why are you letting your daughter's decisions run your life? She is an adult now. She doesn't need your protection." _

_"You saw her, Hector. You saw what that monster did to her! How could you say that?"_

_"I know that's she's been hurt. There just comes a point where she has to have some accountability." _

_"You know...for years...I thought you were so much wiser than Aden...but not when it comes to Santana. Aden may have been a cabron but he would never blame Santana for what that man did."_

_"You don't think so? Really? He started this mess in the first place." _

_"You see...how can you blame her for this? She was minding her own fucking business when he pulled her off the street. She's still a kid Hector." _

_"She isn't the same...Santana is not the little girl that she used to be. This woman she has turned into is complacent and lazy."_

_"I can't believe you right now, Hector!" _

_"If you would open your eyes, you would see it too."_

_"See what, exactly?"_

_"The effect that girl has had on her life. She will never move on from the wrongs that Marco did to her as long as she is with someone so weak and stupid. Brittany is no good for her." _

_"So this is Brittany's fault? That's what it comes down to right, her not being good enough? You never liked that Anita ended up with a gringa, that's what this is really about. You and your Spanish pride can't deal?"_

_"That's not what this is." _

_"Your blaming that girl because she white. I know it." _

_"I'm not racist Glady." _

_"No? What about Samuel?"_

_"What about him?"_

_"Hector when was the last time that you spoke to your own son? Seen your grandchildren?"_

_"Not this again." _

_"No...answer the damn question. How long?"_

_"Eleven years." _

_"Why?"_

_"You know why." _

_"Tell me...say the truth."_

_"Fine. I didn't approve of who he married and the life that he is living with her." _

_"A sweet asian girl who is from Connecticut. She is so good to your son...they have a regular life. I thought when we moved to New York that you would reach out to him. He lives less than twenty miles away. You haven't seen him once. So you don't get to tell me how I am with Santana...I am a good mother. Are you a good father?"_

* * *

I was distraught.

Sure, I had dropped the ball when it came to my daughter.

A lot.

Now though, I was atoning for that.

I was here for her and that was all that mattered.

Hector didn't agree.

We sat there in the kitchen for a while just staring each other down until he decided to go to bed.

Now here I am, trying to figure out how to fix this situation.

My husband and my daughter...at odds.

Again.

When Aden died, I was sure that I wouldn't be in this situation again but here I was.

Back then, I had tried to be neutral...I would let her go somewhere to escape him.

And while she was gone, I would get him to see the issue from my point of view and he would get over himself.

Me having a talk with him would get through to him.

Then Aden would calm down and allow her to come home.

Hector was different.

And Ana was a woman with her own mind.

I used to have a hold over her...

Now though...she didn't live with me and her wife was threatening to make sure she and the kids didn't come here anymore.

Now Ana was threatening to cut her own Padrino out of her life.

And if she cuts him out...some of me is going to go along with it.

But I get that she needs to stand her ground.

And I can't help but agree, Britt is her life...the one that she will always choose.

Hector be damned, I was never going to stand in the way of that.

Ana needs stability and comfort, she shouldn't have to come to my house and feel like she has to be someone who she isn't.

Too much of that had already occurred.

Never again.

I wouldn't allow it.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I could manage this.

Things would be fine.

They would be fine.

I would be fine.

Just have faith.

Just have faith.

God this hurts.

Just have faith.

No doubts.

Be optimistic.

This is not a death sentence.

I am bigger than this.

I can't leave her.

I just found her.

Just have faith.

Just have faith.

* * *

_"Amor? Say something."_

I looked over at Gloria and could see how glassy her eyes were.

She wanted to cry.

Maybe I should let her go.

She was so good...

So amazing.

Why should she suffer with me?

How could I do that to her?

_"I..."_

Everything that I wanted to say was gone.

There was nothing to say.

I looked straight ahead at the doctor as he tried to talk to me.

Gloria's hand had grown sweaty in mine but she didn't let go.

If anything, she held on tighter.

_"Ari...he wants to know which plan you want to follow." _

_"I'm so tired."_ I finally whispered as the cool tears poured from my eyes.

I kept thinking back to being just a kid, barely able to read and going through chemo for the first time.

Everything hurt.

Nothing felt right.

Walking had been agony.

My bones were so weak and frail.

And people treated me like I was made of the finest crystal.

I don't know if I could do it yet again...

I was just so fucking tired.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I knelt on the bathroom floor with Britt as we gave the kids a bath.

They were both more interested in the new bubble bath and all the toys that Britt had dumped in the water.

Which was fine...seeing them happy was all that I wanted.

I felt a new peace fill me as we were watching them play together.

This was what I fought for.

Growing up...all I wanted was family and to feel like I had something.

Someone.

And looking at my little family...I knew that despite the obstacles, I had succeeded.

_"I missed this."_ I said after wiping away Isaac's tears.

Daniela is in a hitting phase just as Isaac is starting to break out of his.

I don't like that she is getting into the hitting.

It's going to stop.

I am going to use this week to try and break her of the habit.

In the mean time, Isaac was pitching a fit.

_"Mami, Dani mean." _

_"It's okay, Papa...she's sorry. Right, Mamita, you're sorry." _

_"Yes. I sowy."_ She said in a cheerful voice before continuing to play with her belly button.

I couldn't help but smile as I watched the two of them play together just a few seconds later.

Isaac had taken a deep breath and went back to playing with his boat.

_"I missed it too."_ Britt whispered as she floated a little duck across the water.

* * *

_"Nigh Nigh." _Daniela whispered as she drifted off to sleep.

I kissed her face a hundred times before finally turning the light off and closing the door.

Britt and I met in the hallway and I couldn't help my smile.

It was just like old times.

This had been the longest three weeks of our lives.

_"He is still in a crappy mood...how is she?"_

_"Already asleep...sweet as always." _

_"She's definitely my kid." _

Britt was smiling really big as she kissed my face and then started walking towards the baby's room.

I punched her shoulder and made my way towards Isaac's room before turning back.

_"Hey B?" _She turned and looked at me, still smiling. She looked like she was up to something._ "It's fine, you know. Claim her all you want...I'll never fight it because when she hits puberty...she's all yours." _

I winked before stepping into my son's room.

He was sitting up in bed with his arms over his chest.

He was pissed about something.

Again.

* * *

I was really starting to get sick of my son's poor attitude.

How could a two-year old be so mean?

_"What's wrong?"_ I asked as I knelt in front of him.

And just like that we were back to hitting.

He slapped me right on my arm.

It didn't hurt or anything but the point was that he was doing it.

_"Isaac Aden...you do not hit people. It's not nice." _

_"You not nice."_

This kid!

_"Why?"_

_"You go away." _

My heart fell.

_"I'm right here, Papa." _

_"You go away soon?"_

I wanted to cry.

This was what I was to him...already.

Just like my parents were to me.

_"I'm here, Papa." _

_"I no Papa...I Izzy."_ He said with a growl.

_"I can't call you Papa?"_

_"No!"_ He snapped at me.

_"Is everything okay?"_ Britt popped her head into the room.

I shook my head and stood to my feet.

_"No...it's not. He's mad at me." _

_"What? Why?"_

_"Because I keep leaving."_

She leaned down and pulled his arms apart.

He put them back.

Britt was insanely patient as she pulled his arms apart again.

_"Lay down. It's time for sleep." _

_"No!"_ He screamed.

_"He was fine like two minutes ago...how did he get like this?"_ She mumbled as she pulled his arms apart again.

_"It's me."_

I leaned over to kiss his head and he hit me again.

This time, it made me feel so close to tears that I had to leave the room.

Let Britt handle him tonight.

* * *

**Gladys' POV**

* * *

_"Thank you for coming." _

_"Of course, tell me how I can help." _

_"Talk to him." _

_"Did he really try to come between them?"_

_"Yea, I tried to talk to him...maybe you can get through to him."_

_"It's been a long time coming...does he know that you and I have been talking at all?"_

_"I hinted at it tonight...but I don't think he really paid much attention to it."_

_"And the drinking...is he doing more of it?"_

_"Yea...that's my fear Sam."_

_"Where is he?" _

_"Upstairs second door on the left...do you want me to walk you up?"_

_"No...it's about time that I stood up to my father."_

* * *

Calling Samuel had definitely been a risk.

Over the last few months we had been talking and meeting for lunch.

I wanted to get to know him better and had found him to be all the things that I loved about Hector.

He was kind and intelligent.

Loyal and brave.

And he loves hard.

His wife is the sweetest person that I have met.

She is everything that Hector should want for his son.

I didn't think that he would agree to come talk to his father...but he did.

Almost immediately.

Now, I had to fix things with my daughter...I just didn't know how exactly.

So I did the only thing that I could think of.

I went to church.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"Ari? Sweetheart...you have to change." _

_"No." _

_"It's not really an option."_

_"Please...just let me rest a second...please?" _

I hated the way that I was whining.

_"For how much longer?"_

_"I need to call Frank." _

_"It's late...can't it wait for the morning?"_

_"No...please?"_

_"Fine...but just to update him...then will you let me help you get dressed?"_

_"Sure."_

_"Good. Well go ahead...call him." _

_"Are you just going to stand there?"_

I was tired, in pain and fucking annoyed that she was standing there smiling at me.

This was not a time to smile.

_"Yes...I'm not leaving. I'm going to stand by you." _

_"Why?"_

_"Because I love you and even though I know you want to push me away...I'm not going to let you." _

_"This would be easier if you were just a bitch." _

_"How so?"_

_"I wouldn't feel bad about being mean to you." _

My dry attempts at humor always fall flat with people...

But never with Gloria.

_"Is it because of the whole nun thing because I'm sure I can dig up an old habit?"_

She smiled and then sat down on the edge of the hospital bed with a gown in her hands.

Even though I was trying my best to be annoyed...I just couldn't.

Her comebacks were just too perfect.

She was just too awesome.

She was here...and even though it was the last thing I wanted for her, I was grateful not to be alone.

* * *

_"Please don't freak out." _

_"Ariana, take whatever time you need. Take care of yourself...is Gloria with you?"_

_"Yes." _

_"And they said it's bad?"_

_"I guess." _

_"Have you talked to Brittany?"_

_"No...just you." _

_"Okay. Call me in the morning."_

_"Okay." _

_"I'm praying for you." _

_"Aren't you an atheist?"_

_"Yea well...you can use all the prayers that you can get right?"_

_"Yea...I have to go. I'll have Gloria call with any news." _

_"Okay. She has my number right? I can give it to her? Will you give it to her? Becaus-" _

I cut off his rambling as my head began to pound.

_"Frank?"_ He kept going._ "Frank!"_ My scream came out as more of a yelp but it got his attention.

_"I'm sorry." _

_"It's fine...I have to go." _

_"Right." _

_"Bye Frank." _

_"Take care."_

* * *

_"Go ahead...rub it in."_

Gloria swallowed her laughter and shook her head.

_"No...I think you regret calling him enough all on your own." _

_"Ugh...are you going to help me or not?" _

_"Definitely...any chance to see you naked."_

She winked and I laughed.

My chest felt like it was going to cave in.

_"Are all nuns freaks like you?"_

_"A bunch of hormonal, undersexed women...one priest...it gets a little like fatal attraction sometimes." _

_"I bet." _

_"So why don't you sit here...and I'll take it from there." _

_"Okay."_

I was too tired to fight.

All I wanted was this to be done with.

I wanted it to be some nightmare that I was going to wake up from.

But when the doctor came in with all those fucking needles a few minutes later...

I knew that this was my harsh new reality.

And now that she was intending to stand by me...she was going to suffer through this with me.

How had I gotten so lucky?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"He hates me."_

Britt wrapped her arms around me as I hovered over the stove.

It was late and everyone was in the guest houses but I still hadn't eaten.

This baby was hungry and so was I.

Britt offered to cook but she doesn't make pancakes like I do...so I was making them myself.

She rested her chin on my shoulder and rocked me slowly.

_"He doesn't hate you." _

_"He does. From the moment that he realized that he had to share me with Daniela...he has hated me because soon after that...I was moving away to Rachel's and then to Lima. Then he went into the hospital-" _

She cut me off.

_"And you were there with him...for like a month after that you went to see him every single day."_

_"Yea but it's not the same. Then after he got home from the hospital...this happened. Wait until he realizes that he has to share me with another baby." _

My mind was wandering as I flipped my pancake onto a plate and poured more batter.

_"He loves Dani and he will love this baby." _

I felt chills run through me as she moved her hands from my waist and cupped my non-existent belly.

_"If you say so."_

_"I do."_

There were abs there...track had given me my high school figure back and now I was going to lose it again.

But that was the least of my concerns.

Right now...I was trying to figure out how I had failed my kids so terribly.

* * *

_"Hello?"_

I sat at the table with my stack of pancakes when Britt's phone went off.

My mind wandered back to a time when her getting phone calls after eleven would have set off alarms.

Now though...we were so much more...so much bigger.

It seemed like an eternity since we were those two girls in my apartment back in Lima.

If I knew then what I knew now...I wouldn't have been so hard on her.

Shit...I would probably even have let her go off on tour with Frankie.

Now though...everything that we had gone through just proved that we can make it through anything.

_"What's up?"_

I asked without looking up at Britt as she walked back into the room.

_"It was Frank, he just got a call from Ari...it's back, she and Gloria are at the hospital now."_

The loud clanging sound of my fork hitting my plate echoed throughout the house as my heart began to race.

_"No."_ I whispered as the tears came rushing to my eyes.

Britt slid into the chair across from me and reached out her hand.

_"It's not looking good...she has been ignoring the symptoms and it's farther along than before." _

_"This can't be happening right now...oh God...I need to see her." _

_"Wait until morning...we can go then. It's really late right now." _

_"Fuck...this just isn't fair!"_

_"Ana...just breathe." _

_"Fuck!" _I shoved my plate off the table and it went crashing to the floor.

But that didn't matter.

Nothing mattered but the fact that Ari was sick again and it wasn't looking good.

Last time she nearly died.

Every time...she nearly died.

My fear was that one day...it would be time for her to actually be gone.

What if that time was now?

* * *

_**A/N: Are you guys still reading? Am I doing okay? Review.** _


	55. Chapter 55:Can't Give Up Now

**Chapter 55: Can't Give Up Now (Mary Mary)**

* * *

_**My fear was that one day...it would be time for her to actually be gone.**_

_**What if that time was now?**_

* * *

_"Can I show you something?"_

I had been kneeling on the kitchen floor for what seemed like an endless time before Britt actually spoke to me.

I was trying my best to see past my blurred vision but I couldn't.

Instead I just felt hopeless.

_"What...is it?"_ I asked as I looked down at the sticky mess that I had made on the floor.

My heavy craving for pancakes was now replaced by a sickening fear.

_"Santana?"_

My skin raised but I didn't look up.

_"Yes?"_

_"Baby...please...look at me?"_

She was crouching in front of me now.

I looked into her beautiful eyes and I couldn't help the new tears that came flooding.

_"Yes?"_

_"Can I show you?"_

I nodded and then didn't put up a fuss as she helped me to my feet.

I really couldn't see the cracked plate or the food but Britt had thought of that as she wrapped my hands around her waist and walked with me.

When we bought this house a few months ago...I never really explored.

I had been so busy with Daniela and school that I stayed in the primary portion.

Britt walked to a hallway that I hadn't seen before and clicked on a light.

She pushed a door open and then stepped to the side.

_"Go ahead first."_

I didn't question her as I stepped around her and made my way down into our basement.

I can't say that I have ever seen it.

When I stepped down onto the padded floor I waited for the sound of footsteps behind me...there were none.

_"Britt?" _I said turning around.

_"Explore."_ She said from the top step.

_"Alone?"_ I was a little spooked. There were two doors in front of me.

_"I'm gonna check on the kids...just be brave. I'll be right back."_

* * *

I pushed open the first door and walked into a really comfortable looking room.

The first thing that I noticed was the sound board.

Was this what I thought it was?

When had she done this?

I moved my fingers over the keys lightly, not wanting to break anything.

There was a light switch above the board that sat just underneath a mirror.

I flicked the switch and immediately could see where the other door had led.

In the center of the recording studio was something that I certainly didn't expect.

_"Butterfly?"_ I whispered before moving over to the door.

When I stepped into the hall there stood Britt with a big smile on her face and Isaac in her arms.

His pudgy thumb was firmly between his lips as he looked at me with sleepy eyes.

I brushed my hand across his face and watched his eyes light up.

All seemed to be forgiven for the moment and that made me feel really good.

_"Love you." _He said around his thumb.

I kissed his sweet cheeks and then ruffled his overgrown bush of curls.

_"Te quiero, Papa."_

A part of my soul felt so much peace now even if it still hurt.

_"Are you going to keep looking around?" _Britt asked as she watched my mind drift back to the sadness.

I sniffed back my tears and walked towards the other door.

When I pushed it open, my suspicions were confirmed.

It was my childhood piano.

My butterfly.

New tears came but these were lighter.

I lifted the lid and ran my fingers across the keys.

It's amazing how memories hit you after so long.

I pressed down the center key and there was the evidence from the day that Papi had broken my hand.

Blood.

* * *

My heart was racing as I hit a few more keys.

My blood and tears had been shed over this piano and so having it back after so many years, felt cathartic.

Almost like all this time, my heard had a hole in it that was just now being filled.

I turned towards where Britt had been standing and could see that she was laying on a couch in the corner with Isaac curled up in her arms.

_"How did you...I...thank you B." _

She smiled softly as she ran her fingers through Isaac's hair. My heart clenched when I saw how she looked at him with so much adoration.

My hands subconsciously gravitated to cup my nonexistent baby bump.

We would be okay.

_"When you were in the hospital...I had this big plan to save enough money to move us away. Ari had been sick then...and I think she knew it because she kept telling me how I should just bring you some escape...she said that you would need your family. She said big things were coming and that you shouldn't be far from home."_

_"She knew."_ I whispered as I went back to stroking the keys.

_"I think she did. So I used the money that I had saved and used it to get this studio built. Everyone helped...even...Hector. When it was done, the morning you found out about the baby, Ari told me she needed to show me something. She brought me in here and showed me this piano."_

_"She brought it here?"_

_"Apparently...Marco gave the piano to Jovanny. When he saw you in his bar a while back he asked Carlos if you still played. Carlos had no idea. Anyway, he called Ari and she told him that maybe you were passed that part of your life."_

_"Ha." _

_"Anyway...we got it shipped here and it's been tuned. It's all yours now and nobody will ever take it from you again."_

_"Wow."_ I had no other words as I sat on the bench and just looked at my wife. _"That's amazing. This is amazing."_

_"I wanted to show you because you need to see that when things are meant to be...like you having this piano...they end up together. Things end up the way they are supposed to. Ari is probably really hurting...really hurting. After the bone marrow transplant last time she told me that if it ever came back...she wouldn't want to go through treatment again. So while you are hurting and mad...she's feeling worse. She needs you...but not like you think."_

I bit my fingernail as I listened to Britt.

She was waiting though for me to acknowledge what she was saying.

_"How then?"_ I whispered.

_"She doesn't need pity...she needs people to help her stay strong. We can't fight this for her."_

_"Like holding her hands up if she gets tired of holding them?"_

_"Yes just like the Bible story."_

_"You are so right, B."_

_"Hmmm...so lets get to bed?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Good because he's drooling and it's gross."_

Leave it to her to break my anger and tension all at once.

* * *

When we got to the top of the stairs, Isaac was suddenly alert.

_"Mama?"_ He said as she tapped Britt's shoulder.

_"Yes, Izzy?"_

_"I can walk?" _

_"Oh...okay."_ She closed the basement door and then put him down on his feet.

He looked up at her and then made a mad dash.

Suddenly I remembered the kitchen.

_"Uh...B...the broken dishes?"_

She shook her head and pulled me along by my pinky.

_"I cleaned that up."_

It made me happy to know that while I wanted to be strong for Ari, that Britt was still being strong for me.

Right now, with everything going on, I'm glad that I can take care of my own stuff knowing that Britt has everything under control.

_"Thanks, B."_

She smiled at me as she walked slowly behind Isaac as he climbed the marble stairs.

The last thing we wanted was for him to hurt himself on those things.

_"I'm not going to let you fall."_ Britt said without looking up.

I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or Isaac but the message was clear.

Britt was sailing this ship and I was totally fine with that.

* * *

_"Ana? Sweetheart, you need to wake up." _Britt rubbed my back and dropped soft kisses on my neck.

_"No."_ I grumbled from under my mountain of blankets.

_"Babe...I wish that I could let you sleep, but this can't wait." _

_"Why?" _

_"We have company. I need you to get up."_ Britt's tone sounded really serious.

And although we had only gone to bed just a few short hours before, it seemed like she had been up for a while.

_"Fine!"_

I threw the covers back and slithered my way out of the bed, keeping as much of my body on the bed as possible until my feet were on the floor. I could feel Britt hovering close by.

_"Come on...the shower is already going and your food is waiting in the kitchen. Quinn made waffles."_

I finally opened my eyes and looked up at Britt.

_"Why is she here?"_

_"Just get showered."_

I pushed out my lips and closed my eyes, I had done this before...refusing to move until I got a kiss.

Britt sighed and then pressed her lips against mine.

Something was really bothering her.

I wasn't sure if it was the company we had or me...but she seemed like me moving slowly was causing her pain

_"Okay...I'm going. I'll see you downstairs." _

_"Five minutes, please?" _

I started to walk away, feeling annoyed with her.

_"Screw your five minut-"_

I was cut off by her stepping in between me and the bathroom.

She ran her thumbs firmly over my arms.

_"Five minutes...no excuses. Understand?"_

I didn't fight.

She was asking the first time but now, it was her letting me know that her making it seem like a choice was just a nicety.

I nodded and accepted her kiss before moving into the bathroom.

Just from that moment...I could tell that this was going to be one hell of a day.

* * *

I made it down to the kitchen in three minutes.

Somehow, I had managed to get fully dressed and put on a light bit of make up.

It had to be a record for me.

And I knew that Britt would be proud.

When I stepped onto the cool floor, Britt was sitting quietly flipping through Henry while she drank coffee.

I walked over and kissed her forehead before noticing that she wasn't alone.

There on the other side of the table, looking pale and exhausted was Ari.

_"Hey."_ She said with a raspy, tired voice.

_"Hi."_

_"There's coffee...on the stove Ana...grab some while I get your plate together."_ Britt said before I could make a move to do anything, like rushing to hug Ari like I wanted to.

Something had happened...she seemed like she was doing her best to control this situation.

Ari and I never needed to be controlled or directed on how to be us before.

There had to be a reason and I knew that when it came to Britt...her reasons were revealed when she was ready and no sooner.

So I just nodded and moved to the stove.

I hesitated as I poured the cup...the baby.

_"B...I-"_ She cut me off as she handed me the soy creamer.

_"It's decaf." _

_"Oh."_ I nodded as I prepared my coffee.

It seemed like she had thought of everything.

Almost like I didn't have to think at all.

Is it crazy that it felt freeing?

I mean when you're in a tough situation...who doesn't want someone to just step in and think about the little stuff?

Never me...until Brittany came into my life.

I was HBIC and loving it...but now...it was like I was finally where I needed to be and doing exactly what needed to be done to remain stable.

It was strange.

* * *

When I sat down at the table, I saw that Ari was actually sleeping with her head on the table.

I felt bad eating while she was so sick but Britt had anticipated that line of thought.

_"You have to eat...that baby isn't going to feed itself." _

_"What about Ari?"_

_"She isn't hungry...just let her rest." _

_"Okay."_

I nodded and rushed through my food.

I knew that I would get the chance to talk to Ari once I was done so I was shoveling food in my mouth.

Of course that was until Britt put her hand on my arm.

_"Slow down." _

_"I'm going slow."_ I said after I forced all the food in mouth down my throat.

I nearly choked as I cleared my throat.

_"Slow down...please?"_

Britt was smiling now...but I knew that she was giving me a chance to see that I was rushing myself.

I nodded and put down my knife and fork and instead picking up my coffee.

My head was spinning.

The baby was angry or something because all that food I had just forced myself to swallow was coming back up.

_"Shit."_ I said before running towards the sink.

The bathroom just wasn't close enough.

Britt was rubbing my back as I hurled into the garbage disposal.

She had turned on the water and flicked the switch so that the food wasn't splashing me.

_"You really need to take your time...okay?"_ Britt said sweetly.

I nodded and took a deep breath.

She was right.

Again.

* * *

I watched Ari sleep for a while longer.

Britt had watched me eat dry toast before heading out.

She suggested that I take Ari down to the studio and I agreed but now I just wanted to let her sleep.

I had sat with her once after chemo and I knew for a fact that sleep was valuable.

When she was awake she was usually throwing up or sweating in a corner somewhere.

Her body was shaking as her face pressed against the hardwood.

She had been letting her blond curls grow lately and they were now falling in ringlets around her face.

It was almost angelic.

Looking at her, it reminded me a lot of my daughter.

In fact a lot of my daughter was starting to look a lot more like Marco and Ari and less like Isaac and Ian.

This was one of those secrets I tried to just keep inside, but it was becoming more and more evident that maybe...just maybe she wasn't Ian's after all.

Both Marco and Ian were dead and it didn't really matter to anyone but me at this point.

Should I even look into it?

_"Shit."_ Ari's mumble brought me out of my thoughts as I watched her eyes open.

I pushed the waiting glass of ice water over to her and smiled.

_"Shit is right...you were sleeping forever."_

She looked at her watch and then back at me.

_"Ten minutes...don't exaggerate."_ She said before swallowing down the water.

_"Do you need anything?"_

_"Just my friend...if that's okay?"_

_"Of course...lets head down to the studio." _

Her lips curved into a smile and she slowly pushed to her feet.

_"So you saw it?"_

I nodded and then looped my arm through hers.

She looked unsteady and so I wanted to stabilize her.

_"Thank you."_

This wasn't pity, right?

It was help?

Right?

* * *

_"Do you know how it ended up with Jo?"_

_"Britt said that Marco gave it to him." _

Ari chuckled and readjusted herself as we sat side by side on the couch, staring at Butterfly.

I had one arm wrapped around her and with my other hand I was holding tight to hers.

She was curled against me and talking in almost a soft whisper.

_"The story is a little bigger than that."_

_"Yea?"_

_"You know that he really, really loved you. Like serious, love that's why he made sure that the piano didn't go very far. I didn't know about it until recently but Jo knew...news about Dr. Cray got back to Lima...he wanted to help in some way. Really though...it all starts with Marco...he wanted you to have it back eventually."_

I looked down at her in shock.

_"Marco? Seriously?"_

_"He loved you even if he became a monster."_

_"I don't know how he could have been anything less than a monster."_

_"But he was." _

_"Right...sure he was." _

_"Cancer...it doesn't just affect the person dying..."_ She stared off for a second before looking back at me. _"It eats away at the people left behind. Marco got eaten alive before he even had the chance to understand it. He was a really troubled kid and when he saw you...it took his breath away. You, I swear...look so much like Titi Sophie. He didn't know how to handle it. She was his life." _

_"So I have heard." _

_"When she died...for the most part so did he." _

_"That's sad...I wish that I could have met that Marco...the one you always tell me about."_

_"I think you did...in those moments where he was gentle with you. Those moments where he was kind. There weren't many but they did exist. In the last years of his life...he got really lost. He was addicted to you and the love that your dad gave him. When he came to New York...it sucked him in and ate him alive. He lost most of his integrity...he tried to break you...I'm glad you're still here." _

_"I scared you when all this happened...didn't I?"_

_"Yea...I can't imagine that Marco saw you after being with that guy and didn't do anything." _

_"Well he put a stop to it...eventually." _

_"See...in his own warped way...he was kind." _

_"Yea...I guess that's why I didn't fear him when I last saw him." _

_"He was different by that point...I think he was holding onto this life that he had with both hands while trying to be a better man. He lost that fight...and it was probably better off that he died. There was no going back for him, nothing holding here anymore." _

_"When you look at Daniela...do you see him?"_ I asked suddenly.

Her body went rigid as she searched my eyes and then she dropped her head.

_"Every time." _

_"Why didn't you say anything?"_

_"It didn't matter but I think...that he knew."_

_"Her eyes...they're blue...I just thought..."_

_"His dad...blue eyes."_

Then it all hit me...she was his.

And I had denied him.

My heart hurt.

_"Why didn't I see it?"_ I whispered.

_"People see what they want to see."_

_"I feel like shit." _

_"Don't feel like shit...I hadn't noticed either until Mami said something. She was the one that pointed it out to me." _

_"Titi Lydia saw it too?"_

_"Yea...just before she told me that I needed to prepare myself for losing her." _

_"Is that what you are about to do? Is that why you came here?"_

She sighed heavily and then rested her head on my shoulder.

_"Yes." _

_"Please..." _

What else could I say...what words could set this right?

* * *

_"I need you to know that I am probably not going to make it through this. It's really bad this time."_

I squeezed her tighter and she let out a harsh breath as she squeezed my hand.

_"You still have fight in you, Arita...you can't just quit." _

_"You sound like Gloria."_ She chuckled as she closed her eyes. _"I just want you to be prepared. I'm not giving in just yet. I just don't want to get my hopes up. My body and my soul are tired." _

She sighed and I could feel the ball of tears forming but I would not cry.

Not now.

_"Please...don't say things like that."_

_"I can't lie...this is how I feel. The doctors wanted to admit me because they want to attack this thing aggressively. I refused. I will not stay in a hospital...ever again. If anything happens...I want to be comfortable and happy. I'm really tired, Santana."_

_"Stay here."_ I said pulling back and looking into her eyes.

She shook her head and looked at me with dry, bloodshot eyes.

_"I can't do that to you guys. You are just getting home. Just getting back to your kids...you have so much going on...I don't want to be in the way." _

_"Please? I'm not pitying you...I just want to help. Please let me?"_

_"I don't come alone...I have Gloria and we have a dog. I don't know." _

She looked like she just wanted to disappear into the floor.

Even still, her pride was so strong.

_"Marco became the way that he was because he wouldn't take help from the family...right?"_

She nodded.

_"How different do you think it would have been if he had taken the help?"_

_"He'd still be alive...your life would have been different that's for sure."_ She laughed harshly as she sagged against me again.

_"Maybe you can't fight this alone...you are tired of dealing with it alone. I'm here with you...there is a dance studio out there for you to dance in...you have space to breathe and my sister...the doctor lives right up the road. This is a great place to go through this...I could use the distraction, frankly now that I'm dropping out of school." _

_"And my dog?"_

_"Is welcome...the kids will love it." _

_"Okay...well I need to check with Gloria...this effects her too. Then, can I get back to you?"_

_"Yea...take your time...but you know hurry up."_

She smiled and then took a deep breath and released my hand.

There was a lightness in her eyes again.

Which was a very welcome sight.

Britt was right...she needed help holding up her arms.

I could do that.

I wouldn't let her just give up.

Ever.

* * *

_"Play for me?"_

_"You got it."_

The mood shifted.

She sat back against the couch and curled around a big pillow, while she watched me.

I was halfway through my playing, feeling like my fingers and the keys were wrapped in each other when a speaker came on.

_"Hey Ana?"_

I looked over to the glass window and saw Britt and Gloria standing there each holding one of the kids.

I glanced at Ari and could see that she was sleeping again.

So I stopped playing and instead covered her up in a thick blanket.

When I stepped into the blue room as I was starting to call it, Daniela smiled at me.

And there it was all along...the slight dimple on her chin.

Marco's dimple.

I hadn't seen it before.

_"I can't believe that I didn't see it."_

_"You needed to believe that she was Ian's...but it doesn't matter...right?"_

_"Is that how you knew?"_ I asked as I took Daniela from Gloria and kissed her sweet face.

_"Knew what, that we should keep it?"_

_"That this baby,"_ I touched my stomach, _"that we could do this." _

She smiled and nodded.

_"Yea...that's how I knew that we would be okay because it doesn't matter who the guy is...you and me can do anything."_

A calm settled over me as I looked at my wife.

This was why she was running the show.

She saw what I didn't see and instead of shoving it down my throat...she helped me see what she saw.

And Pa thinks she too stupid.

Asshole.

* * *

It was early afternoon, Britt and Gloria had gone to the city to clear out the apartment and Ari was sleeping in the guest room by the kitchen.

_"Mami...I want Titi."_ Isaac said to me as I brushed out his hair.

Daniela was sitting in her high chair across the table eating her Cheerios and smiling at the tv.

Bubbleguppies was on, which meant that nobody else existed.

_"Which one, Papa?"_

I was getting frustrated, it seemed like the more that I combed through his hair, the wilder it got.

Just like Ian, he hated for anyone to touch it.

So most of the time it just went uncombed.

The issue was that he had my silkiness and curl but all of Ian's dry, frizziness.

It was a horrible combination and so I made a decision.

Isaac was going to get his first haircut.

Today.

I couldn't deal with it anymore.

_"Titi Sun!"_ He squealed.

Sandra.

And then an idea hit me.

_"Okay...why don't you go grab my phone from the coffee table in the sala."_

I helped my son down onto the floor and watched as he ran towards the livingroom.

_"Cuidate, Papa. Don't run, walk."_

He looked back at me and slowed down.

Thankfully.

The coffee table has sharp edges and I did not want to go to the hospital today.

_"Here, Mami. You call Titi Sun?"_

_"Yes...do you want to talk to her?"_

He shook his head and stood there waiting for me to make the call.

My son has all of my impatience.

It's frightening.

* * *

_"Ana! Hey girl...what's up?"_

_"You used to cut hair in the Army right?"_

_"Yea...got my barber's license before enlisting...why?"_

_"Well...your nephew has been asking for you all morning...and I was wondering if you could come and cut his hair?"_

_"Finally?"_

_"Yes...and since he is requesting you, I figured he wouldn't put up much fight." _

_"Ha...we'll see. Let me get Tito dressed and we will be right over." _

_"Thanks Sandra...you are a life saver." _

_"I have the medals to prove it...see you in a bit."_

When I put my phone down I almost laughed when I saw Isaac staring at me and tapping his foot.

Where does he learn this stuff?

_"She come over?" _He finally asked.

_"Yes...she's on her way." _

_"Good...I be in play room." _

_"Oh...okay, I will call you when she gets here." _

_"Okay!"_

* * *

I had been wrong.

Isaac definitely did put up a fuss the moment that Sandra had the clippers near his head.

_"No, Titi, no!" _He screamed.

_"Ana...I can't do this with him like this...isn't there like something you could do to make him calm down?"_

_"Uh..." _

I looked over at Daniela who was watching another episode of her show.

I knew for a fact that Elmo would distract him, but then Daniela would start freaking out if I stopped her show.

And just like her perfect timing in walked Britt.

_"Hey ladies...whoa...what's going on?"_

_"I asked Sandra to cut his hair but he is not having it...help?"_

_"Well..." _She looked at her phone._ "I'll take Dani...it's time for her nap anyway...put Elmo on for him." _

And just like that, she resolved the issue.

She took the baby and then once I got Elmo on, Isaac didn't move.

He would whimper when she put the clippers near his ears but he did not move.

In fact, about ten minutes into the haircut, he fell asleep.

_"Perfect." _Sandra whispered as she began to cut faster._ "This is what I was hoping for. I never cut Tito's hair when he is awake." _

_"If I had known...I would have put him down but he wanted to see you so badly." _

_"I'm sure he changed his mind."_

* * *

I sat quietly watching Sandra as she moved around my sleeping son.

Her baby bump was showing and I couldn't help but smile.

We had yet to talk about anything really, since she got back from Miami.

I had no clue what was going on in her life and I was pretty sure that aside from the most recent incident...she had no idea what was going on in mine.

_"How far along are you?"_

_"Halfway...twenty weeks tomorrow." _

_"Do you know what it is?"_

_"A boy and a girl." _

_"What? Twins? Seriously?"_

She smiled and nodded.

_"And everything is good...no complications...right?"_

She held up crossed fingers and then crossed herself.

My sister...superstiously Catholic...always!

_"And you...I hear that you decided to keep the baby." _

_"There is no other way for me. This baby is apart of me despite how it was conceived, I kept Isaac without a second thought when I found out that I was pregnant and then I decided to have Daniela and so I would be a hypocrite if I chose not to have this one...you know what I mean?"_

Sandra was quiet as she focused on Isaac's hairline.

I was in awe of how much older and neater he looked just from her giving him such a low cut.

He looked so handsome.

_"You know..."_ Sandra clicked off the clippers and put them to the side before taking a step back. _"At first...when Gladys told me...I was sure that you wouldn't want it...and that you shouldn't do it. Then though...I took a step back and looked at your life, and what I know is that despite all your shit, the drugs, the lies, the fuck up with Izzy in that apartment...I know for a fact that you love your kids. You would give your very life for them and so I just want you to know...that I am so proud of you. I support you and I love you." _

She had her hand on my knee as she looked in my eyes.

I could tell that she had been thinking really hard about things and she really wanted me to know where she stood.

_"Thank you, Sandra. Hearing that really makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing."_

_"Because you are."_

* * *

By the time that Sandra was done with Isaac and we cleaned him up, it was late afternoon.

I had a court hearing in the morning and so Quinn was supposed to be taking the kids.

Britt was in her studio with Ari and they were running through some drills...well really, Britt was dancing and Ari was watching sadly.

Apparently, she had tried to leap and nearly crashed into the mirror.

Her body was uncoordinated with all the drugs in her system.

I had brought the kids over to the studio so that Britt could see them before Quinn got to the house and that's when I saw Ari sitting there looking miserable.

The moment I opened the studio door, Isaac went running ahead.

_"Mama, Mama...look...my hair!"_ He was obsessed with the way his _new_ hair felt.

And thankfully, Britt was paying attention, because she was on her knees inspecting it and making a big deal just for him.

_"So handsome...look at you! Wow!"_ She was exclaiming and Isaac just smiled and touched his hair.

_"Thank you. Titi did it. You like?"_

_"Yes! I love it. Can I touch it again?"_

_"Yes! Here em me see your hand."_

I watched as Britt let him guide her hand over his head.

The two of them together was just too cute for words.

* * *

I left the two of them alone and headed over to the bench where Ari was.

She smiled and held her hands out for the baby and Daniela of course abandoned me the first second that she could.

_"Traitor."_ I mumbled as I plopped down.

_"Be nice Anita...just because she obviously has good taste is no reason to call her names." _

_"Ugh...I just call it like I see it." _

_"Is that so?"_

_"Yes." _

_"So why are they all dressed up?"_

_"Quinn is coming to get them...there is this carnival thing at Beth's school tomorrow with face painting and games...she asked if they could go and I have to go to a hearing tomorrow, worked out well, I guess." _

_"Oh...so they are leaving." _

_"Yep...just for the night and then I'll pick them up tomorrow." _

_"Does that mean...that maybe the four of us could like hang out later?"_

Ari looked desperate to talk, just to distract herself and if it was the four of us then it would be distraction enough.

_"Yea...sure. Anything in particular you want to do?"_

_"No drinking...I just really need to talk about things and I can't go another day without figuring stuff in my head out. I just need to feel the support. Not pity...but like just prayer and bonding...does that make sense?" _

She shrugged and I could see that she was waiting for a sarcastic remark about the Ya-ya sisterhood...but really, I just thought it was a great idea.

_"I think that sounds amazing." _

_"Good...well then, I'm gonna go back to the house and get showered. I'll leave you guys to it. Gloria should be home from work in an hour...we can hang then...okay?"_ She kissed the baby's face a dozen times before handing her to me. _"See you inside." _

Without hesitation, she left the studio without even glancing back.

And that's when I caught Britt's eyes.

She had been watching and she looked concerned.

And I totally understood the feeling.

* * *

That night, after the kids left, Britt had decided to download a bunch of movies while Gloria and I talked.

Ari was showering and then she said that she needed to call her dad.

So we were waiting for her.

Gloria looked like she was holding back and I knew how it felt to stand by and watch the woman who you love, hurt.

That time with Britt just after her hysterectomy was insanely lonely for me even with Quinn close by.

_"You know, G...I'm not just here for Ari. I'm here for you too and I know that you have prayer and God, I know your faith carries you and that is truly amazing. I also know though that sometimes you just need a hug and even though it would be a little off putting at first, I am here to hug you whenever you want."_

Gloria sipped her mug of hot chocolate and then looked at me with a serious expression.

_"What do you know about convents, Santana?"_

_"That it's rough at first...don't they like shave your head?"_

_"Sometimes...I definitely got my head shaved. It's really not the process though that I'm referring to. It's the camaraderie or lack thereof. Every convent is different. At mine...my Mother Superior was tough as nails and so were the sisters under her. It was intense and it was the loneliest year of my life. When I met Ari...I felt like every emotion in the world, all at once...happy because she was perfect for me and sad because...it confirmed that despite my ardent prayers to make me heterosexual...God was saying...here is love. I don't care what it looks like...and neither should you. The Bible talks about how the soul doesn't have a gender. When we come before God...it's not as me a woman...it's about my soul. We come in soul form...so really...it shouldn't matter who I love just as long as my love is pure and whole. I thought that Ari was all that I needed and even though I really wanted to meet her friends...and you...I was happy for that little while to have her just for me. I was always okay with being alone, not having friends...but then I saw what she had...family. Love...from people that weren't related...I never had that. So even if it is weird...I am going to take you up on that...because I really, really feel lost right now. I love her and I need her in my life for as long as God allows, but you're right...I need human contact...touch. Starting now."_

By the time that I was standing holding Gloria in my arms, there were tears in my eyes.

She clung to me and buried her face in my shoulder but there was no shaking and no tears.

Just her, taking a moment to decompress seemed to be enough for her.

_"Thank you for letting me be here for you too."_

She stepped back finally but didn't let go of me.

_"This isn't the time to push anyone away...we all need each other and this isn't the easiest time in your life either." _

_"You got that right."_

* * *

_"What! No...this is the original Fame, B...I promise you!"_

_"Why is it so old?"_

_"Because it came first!"_ I laughed as Britt screwed her face up.

_"But I didn't want this one." _

_"Then why did you download it?"_ Ari asked.

_"I didn't know there was more than one!" _Britt shrieked before pulling her laptop on her lap and pulling up Google._ "Shit...you're right baby...this is the original!" _

_"Oh well...if you don't like this one...there is something else we could do."_ Gloria said from her perch on the couch.

_"What's that?"_ I asked as I rubbed Ari's cold feet.

_"Ari wanted to talk about the morbid stuff and I don't think she's going to sleep tonight until she does."_

I looked over at Ari and she nodded.

_"She's right, Anita...I can't think straight, let alone sleep." _

_"Okay...well what is there to discuss?"_

Ari took a deep breath and then sat up.

_"I just...I need to know that if I get really sick...like to the point where there is no hope...that you won't push me to fight anymore...any of you."_

We all sat there staring at her in shock.

How could she think that we could agree to letting her give up?

Britt shook her head. _"I'm sorry...I can't do that. I think you should just keep fighting...always."_

Ari rubbed at her face in frustration and then looked at me with a lip trapped between her teeth.

_"Anita? Please?"_

I took a deep breath and could see that Gloria was looking down at her hands.

Her shoulders were shaking and she was actually crying now.

Ari didn't even flinch as she looked at her and then back at me.

_"On one condition."_ I said, with a calm collected voice that somehow masked my internal shaking.

_"Okay?"_ Ari said looking alert.

_"I promise that if it gets to that point where the doctors are saying that's it...time's up...then I will accept it but you have to promise me and Gloria and Brittany...that until that day comes that you will fight like hell to beat this."_

Gloria looked at me with wet eyes and then at Ari and nodded. _"I agree with that baby...can you fight as hard as possible until you can't anymore...please?"_

Britt didn't say a word as she bit on her lips and rocked in place.

Ari was looking at her hands and her skin looked a bit sweaty.

Finally she looked at us and then nodded.

_"I promise that I will fight with everything...from here on out."_

The tension eased.

Our hope was temporarily restored.

We would help her push through this.

It wasn't a death sentence.

* * *

Ari needed to believe that she could fight Cancer again and win.

She needed to know that we weren't just going to give up on her.

We loved her and love conquers all in the end.

If she was going to die, she was going to go out a fighter.

We had been through too much to just let go.

I had been through too much to let her fall.

I would hold up her arms and help her fight.

Now I could see that she needed it.

It was going to be rough and hard...

But the best love is worked for, it isn't easy.

That's what makes it last...faith that you can get through to the other side.

Through anything!

* * *

**_A/N: Okay lovelies...that's all she wrote for today...more to come...today...tomorrow...this weekend definitely! :)_ _What do you think? All errors are mine!_**


	56. Chapter 56:I Didn't Know My Own Strength

_**A/N: TRIGGERS...please proceed with caution.**_

* * *

_**Also...can I just say that when Whitney died I wept like a little baby...and when I wrote with this song it was through tears. Sorry if it's a little...scrambled. I couldn't...focus completely. Otherwise. Enjoy! :)**_

* * *

**Chapter 56: I Didn't Know My Own Strength (Whitney Houston)  
**

* * *

**_It was going to be rough and hard..._**

**_But the best love is worked for, it isn't easy._**

**_That's what makes it last...faith that you can get through to the other side._**

**_Through anything!_**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I woke up the next morning with a renewed purpose.

Everything that had happened with Dr. Cray was inconsequential when I thought about the fact that my friend was dying right in front of me.

I mean, yes, I know my stuff was really serious but shit was always going on with me.

With me shit was always serious in one way or another.

But to me helping Ari was bigger than my problems.

She was here and hurting.

And I was going to do everything in my power to help her.

There was a definite difference between now and the past times that she was sick.

I could see it in her eyes the night before as she promised to fight.

The fire in her was dimming and had we not made her promise...I'm sure that it would have gone out much sooner than we would have liked.

But she was going to fight now.

And I was going to make sure that she kept her word.

How?

Simple, Ari has always told me to not talk about things but to be about them.

So I woke up early, even though I didn't have to, with my renewed sense of purpose and decided that starting today, I was going to start participating in my life instead of just letting it happen to me.

And because I had been involved in so much shit...so much negativity, I knew for a fact that all I had to do was ask and Britt would be game.

But where's the fun in that?

* * *

The dark curtains blocked out all the morning light from our room, but I knew that it was early.

Britt had been really exhausted the night before and because of that, she was sleeping like a rock.

There were dark circles under her eyes and a part of me felt bad about what I was going to do, but it was very necessary.

I wanted her to start her day off in the right way.

So I lifted the covers and slid down until I was near her feet.

And with the swiftness of a cat and the precision of a ninja, I managed to get her onto her back and slid her panties completely off.

The scent of her almost had my mouth watering.

It had been way too long since I had tasted her.

But just like always...she was ready for me.

I ran my fingers over her skin and watched her skin raise in my wake.

But when I peered up at her, her jaw was still slack and her eyes were still lightly closed.

She was deeper into sleep than I had thought.

No problem.

I began at her knees and began to press wet, open-mouthed kisses to her legs.

_"Mmmm."_ She moaned but her eyes never opened.

She was still asleep but apparently her dreams were good.

I couldn't help my smile as I eased her legs apart.

She was glistening and my heart began to race.

I felt like a virgin.

Be cool, Lopez...be cool.

I was a pro at this...so why was I nervous?

* * *

_"Please...Ana...please?"_ She whispered.

Ahhh...she was awake.

Her long fingers traced my chin as I met those sparkling blue eyes.

_"Good Morning, Britt Britt."_

_"We'll see just how good it is, once you put those pretty lips of yours to work."_

The blush that filled my cheeks made me feel even more subconscious.

Fucking be cool, Lopez...she's your wife.

Right.

I owned this.

Ha!

Britt's hand was now on the back of my neck and she was softly pushing my head forward.

God she is impatient.

But hey...I was apparently in high demand...I couldn't disappoint.

It was like there was a great big feast before me and I was starving.

Just to prove my point, my stomach rumbled.

Point taken.

I dove in and began to slowly run my tongue along her clit.

The hitch in her breathing was all I needed to urge me on as I began to drop kisses before using my tongue to drive her wild.

I felt her grip my hair in her hands as I wound her up only to pull away and blow on the wetness.

It was the only time that I really managed to successfully tease her.

_"Oh...mmmmm...Ana...please...it-it's been sooooooooo long."_ She grunted out.

I laughed as I held her clit between my lips and could feel the resulting tremor that quaked through her.

My stomach made another rumble and I knew that I needed to eat or this was not going to be pretty.

Hungry me while pregnant meant nausea if I didn't feed the need to eat.

And this was the last place that I wanted to do that,

So I revved up my actions by pushing two of my fingers deep inside of her while sucking and nibbling on her clit.

_"Yes! Fuck...yes! Just-j-j-just like that!"_

_"Yea?" _I whispered before sucking extra hard.

_"Fuck! Yes! Ssssannn...ahhhh Ana! Yes!"_

It was only moments later that her walls had a death grip on my thrusting fingers.

Her hips rose from the bed and she just hovered there for a moment before falling bonelessly back down onto the bed.

I pulled back and smiled up at her.

_"Good morning?"_

_"Fuck...yes. Get up here and kiss me."_ She whined.

_"You got it babe."_ I said.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

How is it even possible for her to be so hot first thing in the morning?

After an orgasm that not only had my toes curling but my fingers clenching, she crawled up to the pillow like a pouncing tiger.

The look on her face reminded me so much of Lord Tubbington when he saw a mouse.

It was predatory.

And on my wife, it was enough to get me to pounce on her.

My fingers were aching to touch her and please her,

But I knew that I couldn't.

And it was killing me.

She was still healing down there and her back, while almost done healing still had nerve damage.

I wasn't going to push her.

I had to wait.

Now I was starting to understand what she meant by having a needs because damn if I didn't have them now!

* * *

There was no better way to wake up than to her.

It was like all our tension from a few days ago was erased.

Like we were new again.

She loved me.

Fuck Hector.

_"Thank you for that."_ I said when she finally plopped down in my arms.

She smiled up at me and then kissed my chin.

I knew what was next as she leaned up and kissed my forehead and then my cheeks and then my nose...I smiled as I watched those beautiful lips hover over mine.

_"You are very welcome, B...I am definitely going to start having you more often...I missed you." _

_"Yea?"_

_"Mmmm...yea." _

_"I wish you could do that all the time." _

_"I wish I could too...but we would never get anything done. We have so many things to do."_

_"Right...things."_ I rolled my eyes and she broke out into giggles.

Actual giggles.

Seeing her this happy made my whole body tingle.

This was one of my favorite parts of her.

Relaxed.

It didn't happen often but when it did, it lit up my entire world.

* * *

_"Hungry?"_

_"No thanks...I just ate." _

_"Seriously? Are you guys always that crude?"_ We both looked up to see a pale looking Ari standing in the doorway with Gloria peeking over her shoulder.

_"Shit."_ I laughed when Ana buried herself in my armpit and pulled the covers over her head.

_"Morning ladies...we weren't loud were we?"_ I asked.

_"Of course you were...but it wasn't that bad...we just happened to be walking by."_ Gloria said from around Ari. _"And now that my lovely girlfriend has made sure that you are thoroughly embarrassed...I am going to take her downstairs and get breakfast going. Bye ladies!"_

Gloria pulled Ari out of the doorway and shut the doors._  
_

_"They're gone, babe." _

_"That was so...ugh." _

_"Well...it was great while it lasted...we should get up." _

_"Yea." _

_"Oh...and I kind of...set up an appointment for you to meet with your adviser today at eleven. They have this rule about you meeting with them before you can pull out of your classes...and drop out."_

_"We'll looks like we are going to have a day in the city but I think we should take two cars."_

_"Why?"_

_"Simple...you are picking up Rob and Susan at ten. Ari has chemo at nine. I have the meeting at school at eleven but I have to be at the station at eight. So I can go from the station to school and you drop off Ari and then go to the airport. We can meet at the apartment for a late lunch?"_

_"Wow we do have things!"_

_"See and new should get a move on before my-"_

And like she reminded her body, she got all queasy looking and leapt down from the bed.

I wasted no time following her, I hated seeing her so sick but she needed me.

* * *

_"Okay...ready, B?"_ Ana was hopping up and down next to her car door as she looked across the driveway at me.

_"Not yet."_ I said as I looked at Gloria and Ari in my truck. _"I need to talk to you for a second."_

She looked worried now.

Which I totally was, I felt uneasy about her going off alone all day.

She was too sure about going off and driving two different cars.

It had been a month since she was high last and even though I was pretty sure she was done with that, I still felt uneasy about it.

So I walked over to her truck and stood there in front of her.

She was sweet to me as she placed her hands on either side of my face and searched my eyes.

_"What is it, B?"_

_"Do you want to check to see if Sandra can go with you? I really don't like the idea of you being alone today."_

I wasn't expecting her to be so willing to accept.

She nodded and then smiled really big.

_"Sure, B. I know that it makes you nervous that I'm alone. I can ask her, Johnny is home so she can probably get away." _

_"Okay...want to call her now."_

_"Would that make you feel better?"_ Her eyebrows were raised.

I never was this demanding with her.

But something just didn't feel right.

_"Yes." _

_"Alright then."_ She opened her car door and turned it on. She buckled herself in and put the window down before telling the car to call Sandra.

The phone rang and she looked at me with the biggest smile on her face.

But I could see the irritation in her eyes.

She probably didn't mean to show it...but it was definitely there.

We were good though...we were trying to be anyway.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Why are you pissed?"_

Sandra sat next to me as we followed Britt down the long driveway and onto the main road.

_"I'm not pissed."_

I was really pissed.

_"Don't lie...what's wrong?"_

_"Nothing...I'm overreacting...I'm sure of it._"

I turned up the radio and began to drum on the steering wheel.

My sister was staring at me as I continued to ignore my agitation but I knew that I wasn't doing so well.

Finally she turned off the radio and put her hand on my arm.

_"Santana." _

_"Yes?"_

_"Pull over." _

_"I can't."_

Britt would want to know why.

_"Pull the car over...I can't deal with you like this and it could distract you. Let me drive." _

_"Please."_ I could hear the pleading in my own voice and it annoyed me further. _"Just...I will tell you...just don't make me pull over...not while we are still following Britt." _

_"Fine...but you promise that you will tell me?"_

_"Yes."_ I gritted out with my teeth clenched.

_"Talk."_ She said finally dropping the death grip that she had on my arm.

_"She still doesn't trust me...after every fucking thing! It wasn't my fault...I didn't get high on purpose! I had been clean and sober...I was doing so fucking good! But it doesn't matter...I can't drive by myself because she thinks that I will go looking to score. Do you know how fucking hurt that makes me?"_

I was crying now...ruining my fucking make-up.

This was ridiculous.

I was weeping like a fucking baby now.

Over something so stupid.

And to top it off, I was feeling so much rage that my body was shaking.

* * *

_"Okay...you're swerving...pull over."_

I didn't argue this time.

I didn't even look ahead to see if I was behind Britt anymore, instead I pulled over onto the side of the road and turned off the car.

Sandra went to climb out the car when I started beating on the steering wheel with my fists.

And then when I saw Britt's red truck up ahead pulled over with its flashers on, I let out a scream that turned into coughs as I choked on my tears.

This was bullshit.

I just needed to get myself together.

I locked the doors as my sister met Britt in front of my truck.

This was me feeling trapped literally and figuratively and I had no one to blame but myself.

I watched as they talked about me and tried to figure out what to do.

Britt though wasn't looking at them as she talked, she was looking straight through the windshield and into my eyes.

She was trying her best to figure out what was the best course of action.

And then she did something that she had only done once before to me.

It had been during that period of time when we had fooled around with the whole spanking thing...it had been just one week and I couldn't handle it.

I was a wuss when it came to her touching me like that.

She promised that she wouldn't do it unless there no other option.

And in the six years that followed...even in the most extreme situations...she had never done it.

Until now.

She held up her palm with her fingers splayed.

She was counting down.

I had five seconds to get my shit together.

And she already had two fingers down as she talked to Sandra.

They were all looking at what she was doing and then at me but I didn't move.

I wasn't going to.

There was no way that she would put her hands on me...not after what had happened to me.

* * *

She had two fingers left and had now walked to the outside of my driver door.

I could see it in her eyes.

She wasn't kidding.

If pushed to a closed fist, I was going to be over her knee.

And really...I deserved it.

I had agreed...even if it was six years ago...I had agreed.

She had control right now and I was doing this.

One finger...and I just looked in her eyes and shook my head.

Closed fist.

I had all day to figure out how to convince her not to punish me.

We had such a good morning and now I was back to feeling like this again.

These emotions were just too much.

I smiled at her and mouthed that I was sorry but her face didn't change.

Britt looked at me with a calm and cool expression before nodding just once and heading back over to Sandra.

She whispered something to her and then handed her keys over.

Shit.

Fuck her and her ability to throw curve balls.

I had called her bluff and now she was calling mine.

She had promised me though...if she was going to punish me it wouldn't be with her hands.

So what then?

* * *

My mind had been so busy trying to figure out what her next move us that when there was a harsh knock on my window, I jumped.

Britt was waiting for me to unlock the doors.

I wasn't going to make it worse.

So I climbed over the console, afraid to actually get up and walk around, before unlocking the doors.

Dumb move.

Britt opened the door and then slammed it really hard.

So hard that it shook the car.

She was angry now.

Something that I hated to see.

This was our first spat as a married couple.

Just great.

Why couldn't things be her fault for once?

Right...because I can be the biggest fuck up.

Me and my fucking pride.

That's how I ended up at Dr. Cray's mercy.

I just can't let people lead me.

What the fuck, Lopez?

* * *

_"Buckle up."_

That was a warning.

I buckled my seatbelt and before I had the chance to speak, Britt was whipping the car onto the road and driving.

And not just at any speed but really fucking fast.

_"Slow down, Britt...I'm getting nauseous." _

_"No you aren't."_ She whispered.

Right...I wasn't.

Slow cars made me nauseous but not fast ones.

_"Fine...just...why are you speeding?"_

_"Don't question me right now...just sit there. Please."_

I wanted to respond.

But I didn't.

I wasn't that stupid.

There was no way that I was going to make her more upset right now.

This was enough.

Happy, post orgasm Britt was gone and replaced by this controlling dominatrix.

I swear if she was ever a researcher...I would be on my knees letting her control my every breath and probably loving it.

Thankfully though...Britt was just on the edges of this whole domestic discipline thing.

Otherwise...my ass would be toast.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I knew it!

Man...I knew that she had done things a little too willingly.

I just didn't expect her to explode like she did.

Sandra was upset now and I didn't think that her being with Ana was a good thing.

Instead, I asked her to pick up my parents.

If my wife wanted to be unhinged then she would only have me to take it out on.

If she had a fucking problem...she could take it out on me.

This shouldn't be where it is.

She had a huge response to what I asked of her and so I felt like there was only one thing I could do.

Only one thing that would make her stop her shit and get over herself.

What I didn't expect was her completely refusing to acknowledge my countdown.

What I didn't expect was her to force me to live up to what I was saying by doing it.

But what she didn't expect was that I would do it.

That I would punish her.

She thought wrong.

* * *

When we got to the police station, Ana went to immediately climb from the car but I put my hand on her leg and stopped her.

_"Wait for me, please?"_

_"You can't go in there, B...they only need me."_

_"You promised that you would tell me what happened...you can do both now. I'm not going to leave your side all day."_

_"That's not necessary." _

_"Oh but it is. You need me."_

She pulled her arm from mine and pushed her door open.

I thought she would just let this go but she turned around as I was turning off the car and made a really, really mean face.

_"I don't need you, Britt...that's the problem. It always has been." _

_"Take that back."_

It felt like she stabbed me right through the heart.

I mean yea, she was pissed that I was hovering but that was no reason to say such hurtful things.

Especially to me, right now.

_"NO! Fuck off."_

And just like that she was storming ahead before I could catch up.

To make things worse, I was making my way up the stairs when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

_"Brittany...can we talk for a second?"_

Hector.

Which meant Gladys.

I turned in place and saw Gladys going through a leather folder as she walked up behind her husband.

_"Hi Brittany...is Ana already inside?"_

I nodded and then turned to look at Hector.

What could he possibly say to make me feel any worse today?

* * *

_"While I would love to see how well you apologize for the rude things that you said about me, I believe that my wife spoke enough for the both of us. Right now...I just need you to leave us alone. There is nothing that you can say to fix this. I have more important things to do with my time."_

And just like that, I turned around and walked into the police station.

When I finally caught up with Gladys she was standing over a really angry Ana.

I went to stand beside her and that's when I saw that Ana had completely washed her face.

Not a stitch of makeup was anywhere.

She hated to be out in public like this despite how naturally beautiful she was.

Gladys turned to me and put her hand on my shoulder.

_"Hi mija, talk to your wife here. She came in here looking a mess and then told the Captain that she would only give her statement alone. I told her there is no option for that. She WILL have her mother there and she WILL have her wife."_

She was staring directly at my crying wife and waiting for her to give a response.

Ana looked around at the people in the station and then up at me and then Gladys.

I could tell that she just wanted to disappear into the floor, she was really embarrassed.

And frankly, I couldn't blame her.

This situation was already screwed up but now, she was pregnant, she didn't have her mask on, and she wasn't being allowed to ignore me.

She wasn't in her element and even though I really wanted to be mad at her for her behavior, right now wasn't about that.

So I swallowed my feelings about everything and slid onto the bench beside her.

* * *

_"Ana, I have your extra makeup bag in my purse, why don't you go get yourself comfortable and then we can go inside. I will be here the whole time but you can just be in the room alone. Me and Gladys can sit in the mirror room...would that be better for you?"_

I handed her a tissue and waited for her to wipe her eyes before expecting an answer.

_"Thanks, B."_ She gave me a soft smile and then held her hand out.

I knew that if I gave her something...just one thing out of the big things making her uncomfortable that she would push herself to be the best she could.

And her makeup...well that was her physical shield from the rest of the world.

I pulled the little black bag from my purse and handed it to her.

Her dimples stood out as she sucked her lips into her mouth.

She was trying not to cry again.

But it wasn't working.

So I did the only thing that I knew how to do...the thing that I should have done instead of counting down earlier, I wrapped her in my arms and let her bury her face against my neck.

She needed to gather herself...everyone could kiss her ass.

This was a tough day and I wasn't going to make it any worse.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I'm not stupid.

I know that I'm not ugly.

Everyone has always told me how makeup just wasn't necessary for me,

I knew that.

But it symbolized way more than just my appearance.

Ever since I was being pressed against that couch and my innocence was stolen from me,

I have never felt comfortable showing people my natural face.

It started with curiosity...or rebellion.

My body didn't belong to me anymore but my face did.

I couldn't hide my body from Marco or the other stupid boys but my face...could be hidden.

I could make it dramatic, happy, or even serious...Brittany was the first people to really get that.

She never questioned me about it and was always patient while I exhaustively put it on.

It was my armor.

So when I walked into the police station, preparing to bare my soul for legal record...and my makeup had gone to shit...I just wiped it the best I could and waited for Mami.

But when she saw me...she demanded that I wash it off because it was smeared and I looked like a clown.

It was the worst thing she could have said as I sat there pissed.

My ego was bruised.

But I did it.

Without checking to see if I had my travel bag.

Which of course was in the car.

My pride wouldn't let me go back.

Me and my stupid fucking pride.

* * *

Britt shouldn't have been so nice to me.

She was.

There was no foolish pride with her.

She saw my despairing and she came through for me.

She anticipated my need and she delivered.

This was why she was in charge.

Why must I keep needing to remind myself?

I was the top of my fucking graduating class and I couldn't even get my mind to understand why Brittany was in charge of shit.

Good going, Lopez.

I needed to make things right.

There was no way that I still wouldn't be punished, I knew that...but at least I could cushion the blow.

So I asked her for her hand as I got up to go search for a bathroom.

Maybe if I apologize in private, she would let things be okay.

Let us be okay.

But of course...my brain...just doesn't understand things of the heart so well.

* * *

Britt had stood against the wall of the bathroom and played with her phone while I did my makeup.

I kept trying to make small talk but she kept giving me short answers.

They weren't rude.

But they were definitely short.

So I just stopped and focused on making my makeup waterproof and understated.

My emotions were too out of whack to rely on foundation.

Waterproof stuff was just going to have to be my saving grace.

As I packed everything away though, I managed to smile and had even leaned up to kiss my wife.

_"I'm glad that you are feeling better." _

_"And it's all because of my amazing wife." _

_"You know better...it's not going to fix it."_ She said as she looked at me with cold eyes.

_"What will?"_

_"You already know."_

My heart started to race as I looked up at her.

I knew.

So I just nodded and swallowed back my apprehension.

I knew.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

She was strong.

I loved her for it.

Ana looked really sure of herself as she sat there with Captain Dominguez and a recorder.

Gladys was unhappy about having to sit with me behind the glass but she didn't argue me on it.

Thankfully, although I'm sure it was because she knew that she was already on Ana's shit list.

_"Did you guys already plan to ask certain questions?"_

_"Yes and Santana agreed on them...well most of them. Some of them have to be asked."_

_"Is she going to be okay?"_

_"I think she will be. My daughter has been in this position too many times to count. She knows what to say."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

_"Okay, state your name for the record." _

_"Santana Gladys Lopez." _

_"Occupation?"_

_"Student at Columbia University." _

_"How did you first meet Dr. Cray?"_

_"At a private dinner with my then fiancé, Marco Vega and some of his colleagues back in 2011." _

_"Can you tell me about that night?"_

_"I greeted everyone at the door and took their coats and then directed them to the living room. They smoked cigars while I finished preparing dinner and then they all sat and ate. They were discussing business and so I was forced to sit in the kitchen and eat. I didn't actually talk to him until Marco came and got me. He wanted me to try Dr. Cray's product." _

_"Why you?"_

_"I was sober at the time and new to drugs...they told me that the drug would have a specific reaction for someone like me who wasn't hooked on it."_

_"And what was that?"_

_"Dr. Cray said that it was so that they could hook new buyers. It was extra addictive? I wasn't sure that was a possible thing...but I was basically their tester." _

_"Prior to this, how long had you been taking drugs?"_

_"Just a few days."_

_"Was that the only interaction that you had with Dr. Cray after that?"_

_"No...soon after, I took him on as a client." _

_"When you say client, can you be more specific?"_

_"I was an escort...he paid a large sum to have me for a few hours each week."_

_"Where did these occurrences take place?"_

_"His house in Brooklyn. He would sit me down and give me a drink in his living room. My first night there he took me in that room and told me to scream. So I did...then he told me to look out the window and do it again...so I did. There was a couple walking by and I was only a few feet away on the other side of that glass and they didn't hear me. That's when he told me that room was sound proofed...that his whole house was. Later Marco told me how there were cameras in that room. It was in a side conversation...he told me that I should try to hide my face because he showed those videos to his colleagues at Columbia. It was one of those few times that Marco was looking out for me." _

_"What happened during these occurrences?"_

_"We had sex...well...it was more of me being handcuffed and whipped. That was one of his favorite things. Apparently it still is."_

_"When you say that, are you referring to the incident that happened on April 9th?"_

_"Yes." _

_"Can you tell me what happened that day?"_

* * *

I watched as she nodded, her eyes flicked towards the glass and I could see that they were bloodshot.

She was barely hanging on.

But she was pushing through this.

I had never been more proud of her than in this moment.

She took a deep breath and then sighed.

_"He grabbed me on the street...threatened to kill my children, my son. So I went with him. When I went into the house, I went straight for the living room. Even though it was soundproof...I knew that he had those cameras on...he ALWAYS had those cameras on. He gave me a drink. The moment that it was in my mouth, I knew that it had something in it. I felt the effects immediately. He was talking to me about how superior he was. I kept losing focus on him and thinking about an argument I had with my friend that morning. He gripped me up slammed me into a wall. From there, he handcuffed me to this metal rail hanging from his ceiling. I was dangling there and he told me how he had enhanced his speedball to be less fatal. He told me that he hadn't had anyone to test things on and as an effect, his sales were picking up. So he pulled my jeans off, I kicked and got his face with my foot. I was wearing flip-flops so it didn't really do anything. Anyway...he was mad that I got the best of him so he used one of my shoes to spank my ass as hard as he could until I apologized. From there he proceeded to stab at the back of my knees with needles. I lost count after two because my head was spinning. I was thankfully numb as he released the cuffs and I dropped to the floor. I was sick...so sick but I kept going trying to escape him."_

_"Do you need a minute?"_

She was taking harsh breaths as she cried but she just shook her head.

_"No...I need to get this out. Please?"_

_"Okay...go on." _

_"I don't remember him taking off the rest of my clothes but he did. The next thing that knew he had my hands cuffed the legs of his coffee table and my ankles cuffed to the other ones. He told me to tell him that I was scum, a slut and I refused. He did everything, said everything that he could make me break...but I didn't. He threatened me again, he told me that he had disposed of countless girls and that nobody would miss me. Then he r-raped me. He used just his hands at first...he clipped something to my clitoris and then he used something...I don't know what...maybe my shoe and he beat me down there. He hit me so hard that the clippy things ripped off. I was screaming at this point even though I knew that it was pointless. He wanted me to submit to him but I wouldn't so he cut into my neck and proceeded to tell me the names and addresses of all the people he would kill. I begged him to stop...that I would do whatever he wanted if he would just stop...that I wouldn't even come to the cops. But then he got mad at the mention of the cops pulled out his whip. He hit me over and over again, I blacked out in the middle of it and didn't come around again until he was peeing over my back and my head. He had uncuffed me and forced me to stand on my feet. So I did and that's when he gave me cocaine...I snorted it as he held a knife to my throat. It was always my drug of choice and now he was forcing me to break a long sobriety. He said if I was high...the jury wouldn't believe me...then he laughed and told me that I wouldn't have to worry about that because I wasn't going to live past that day. He planned to kill me."  
_

_"Tell me how you escaped."  
_

_"Oh...it was partially his fault...my phone rang. Brittany, my wife...was calling but I didn't answer. He had gotten distracted...and I cut his throat. I didn't even go deep. I just needed him to be taken down...I don't even know. All I know is that I needed to protect myself and get out of there. At the last second, I covered his wound with a towel. My mom called then and I talked to her a split second before finally making it out onto the steps. From there...it's hazy."  
_

_"And today...how are you faring?"  
_

_"I am...I'm...still regaining feeling in my back and my vagina and...I'm...uh...p-pregnant."  
_

Captain Dominguez hit the camera and then looked at the glass and waved her hand.

She reached over to Ana and gripped her hand._  
_

_"It's his?"  
_

_"Yes."  
_

_"I need you to know that if don't want him to know...if you want to keep that out of this...we can...for as long as you want."  
_

Ana looked over at me as I stepped into the room and then down into her lap.

She was stuck.

I moved behind her and rested my hands on her shoulders and rubbed them softly._  
_

_"Can we pick this up another day? I think she has had enough for today." _I said finally after feeling her body shaking.

As I held onto her, I was hoping that the shaking was only from crying...but I was pretty sure that it wasn't._  
_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My foolish pride was officially pushed to the side as I walked into the apartment behind Britt.

She had decided that I probably needed a break before going to the school.

I was so far into my head, that there was nothing keeping my pride afloat.

I fell back onto the couch and looked up at the ceiling, wishing that I could just figure out what to say to her.

She was way too quiet.

Neither of us had spoken since the station and now that we were alone in our space,

I knew that the time for silence was probably over.

But would she push me?

_"Ana...the shower is running...you coming?"_

She called from the bedroom and I just nodded as I pushed my heavy body up from the couch.

My tears had weighed me down.

My soul felt so heavy.

Every breath, every thought, every action just felt so hard.

I just felt so broken.

But I knew that I had just done something amazing.

I knew it...even if it hurt so bad.

* * *

_"I'm so proud of you."_

It was the first thing that she said to me as I stepped into the shower with her.

She hadn't even asked if I needed alone time.

Frankly, I'm glad that she had taken it upon herself to decide because I would have probably pushed her away.

I didn't want to be alone but right now I didn't trust my pride not to rear it's ugly face.

_"Why?"_ I asked as I just stood there and allowed the heat of the water to soothe away the ache in my joints, my back and my soul.

_"Because today you proved to me...that you are strong enough to make it through anything. You are much stronger than you think you are."_

_"Am I?"_

She nodded and I shrugged.

There were no more tears...this was a straight talking conversation.

_"You are...but you already know that."_

_"I do?"_

_"Don't you?"_

_"I do."_

My words were shocking even to me.

They came from my heart...without my brain involved.

_"You made it through something really hard...really big." _

_"I thought that I was going to die that day. I kept thinking that I wouldn't get to see my babies grow and that I would never get to marry you. I kept thinking how this would ruin my nephews. I just kept thinking of all the people who would be so hurt and devastated. Then I thought about the stigma on my kids. I just...I had to be strong for them...for you...for me."_

_"That's why I'm proud." _

_"And yet you don't trust me."_

Ahhh...my pride.

_"I do...this morning wasn't about drugs. It was about this...this hurt I knew you would feel. It was about you going back onto that campus alone, it was about you being alone. I didn't want that for you. It wasn't about drugs."_

_"Tell me it wasn't just a little about drugs."_ She shrugged this time and I nodded. _"See."_

She pulled me into her arms and kissed my face before hugging me completely.

_"I trust you with my everything. I also know though...that you are an addict...you always will be and when you are hurt...you forget you have hope to hold on to. You forget your strength and you slip up. I didn't want that to happen either."_

_"Thank you for your honesty."_ I said into the crook of her neck.

_"I will always be honest with you, S."_

I smiled at her nickname for me.

Well, Quinn's nickname for me that hadn't been used in so long. It wasn't my favorite but it brought back some positive memories of cheer practice, laps with my trinity and a time when Marco was a distant memory.

So much had changed since it was last used.

I had become stronger and wiser.

I had reached bottom so many times before finding a new bottom.

But here I was...stronger than ever.

I got through it.

And I felt so much faith and conviction in that moment as I stood in Britt's arms.

* * *

_"So Ms. Lopez. Your wife had informed me over the phone that you wanted to drop out. I am here to convince you not to do it. You have to full backing of the university after what occurred with you and Dr. Cray. I have been asked to get you to reconsider. Also...I wanted to let you know that you missed two weeks out of a whole semester. If you sit your finals this week, with the exception of Biology, you can finish off this semester in good standing. That way if you decide to take some time off, it won't reflect bad upon your student record."_

I let his words seep in and I had to admit...it made sense.

School was over now.

I had finals...just four and I could have my grades and things wouldn't be as bad as being a drop out.

Britt held my hand and I smiled.

She wasn't even squeezing.

This was on me.

That's why she made this appointment.

_"Okay...you arrange for me to sit the exams and I will." _

_"Great! I will be in contact this week with a schedule for you." _

_"Thank you so much, Dr. Ford. I really appreciate all of your help!"_

_"Thank you for reconsidering...your finals at least."_

* * *

_"What now?" I asked Britt as we sat in the parking lot.  
_

_"Now we go get the kids...now we go back to Brooklyn."  
_

Suddenly her motives were clear.

I had to pick up the kids.

In Brooklyn, just a block from the incident on the very day that I had to give a statement.

Britt was covering me.

Being my strength.

She had been trying to hold my arms up and I had overreacted.

Good going, Lopez.

I could only laugh at myself.

And so I did.

Britt looked at me like I had a third eye growing in the center of my head._  
_

_"Did I miss something?"  
_

I didn't say anything as I climbed over into her lap.

She looked into my eyes and waited for me to do something.

So I did.

I kissed her forehead and then her cheeks, her nose, her chin and finally I crashed into her lips as I gripped the collar of her shirt.

It took a moment but she kissed me back with just as much fervor.

When we pulled separate because of a lack of oxygen, she was grinning._  
_

_"I don't know why you did that...but thank you." She chuckled.  
_

_"Because you are a fucking genius. I love you so much! Thank you so much for being there for me even when I didn't think about what I was walking into. Thank you so much!"  
_

_"Oh Ana...always and only you. I will always look out for you. You're my person."  
_

_"And I never, ever want to not be that."  
_

I rested against her chest and just absorbed her touch for a little while.

She was everything that I needed.

And now that I had finally released that shit that was holding me down...or at least I was starting too,

I would walk into whatever shit lay ahead without feeling alone.

She was the compliment to my strength.

In all my planning to hold up Ari's arms and fight for her, somehow I forgot...that Britt was fighting for me.

But I remembered now.

Shit, I was tempted to tattoo the shit to my forehead.

Always and only her.

Duh!

* * *

**_A/N: Sooo? What did ya think? I'm wrapping up...and yea...thanks for sticking around I really appreciate you guys. I read every single review and they are just...amazing. Thank you!  
_**


	57. Chapter 57:Settle For My Love

**Chapter 57: Settle For My Love (Musiq)**

* * *

**_And now that I had finally released that shit that was holding me down...or at least I was starting too,_**

**_I would walk into whatever shit lay ahead without feeling alone._**

**_She was the compliment to my strength._**

**_In all my planning to hold up Ari's arms and fight for her, somehow I forgot...that Britt was fighting for me._**

**_But I remembered now._**

**_Shit, I was tempted to tattoo the shit to my forehead._**

**_Always and only her._**

**_Duh!_**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Are you comfortable...do you need anything else?"_

_"No...I'm fine. Just sit already...you are making me more nervous than I should be." _

_"I guess I am, huh? I'm sorry, Arita, it's just been awhile since I have sat with you through this. That's all." _

_"Yea well...keep up this worrying shit and it will be the last time."_

_"Okay...well...what does Gloria usually do?"_

_"She sits there and reads her Bible. She smiles at me a lot and explains the stories to me. Sometimes she tells me about her time at the convent and other times in her life, she just holds my hand and we watch Disney movies together."_

_"Oh ok."_

_"So...what do you want to do?"_

_"I want to hear about you...about the time that I wasn't in your life." _

_"So get chemo girl to tell you a story...well I guess that's better than you fretting over me." _

_"Do you want to do something else?"_

_"Yea...actually. I was hoping that maybe you could sing for me."_

_"Sing? In the hospital?"_

_"Yes...sing in the hospital. I mean it's not exactly a Broadway stage but I am a Broadway star so that's something...so sing." _

For the first time all morning, I actually smiled.

If I wanted her to fight for her life then I had to stop treating her like she was dying.

I was starting to understand that, at least.

_"What would you like me to sing?"_

_"Jesus loves me."_

_"Oh...sure. I can do that."_

I sat back in my chair and began flipping through my phone to see if I had any messages from Britt.

Last night we had gone home and she held me all night.

Everything was easy and I actually sat and played with the kids.

And when I say play, I was actually down on the floor with Isaac racing cars across the floor.

This morning she was supposed to be dropping them off with her parents for the day while she got some work done.

I was hoping to hear from her.

But there were no messages.

When I looked back over at Ari she looked at me like I was crazy.

I shrugged and she sighed before gesturing towards me.

_"Well are you going to sing?"_

_"Oh...you mean right now? You're not even plugged in yet." _

_"So what?"_

_"Sorry...I thought we would wait until you were all set up." _

_"Why wait?"_

_"Oh...Okay...well here goes."_

* * *

I watched Ari closely as I sang to her.

Her whole face was in this serene state of bliss.

And while I was sure that I had an amazing voice...I never doubted that, actually...I had never really bothered to look at people when I sang.

Like really look at them.

Now I was thinking that maybe I wanted to start.

Seeing Ari like this made me want to know everything that she thought.

But I was sure she wouldn't tell me.

Ari had her eyes closed as she smiled and rocked side to side.

I wanted to capture this moment in my mind for eternity.

Burn it into my psyche and pull it up every time I thought that I wasn't good enough.

Even though I am sure that it had something to do with the words that I was singing...I knew for a fact that some of it had to do with me.

Since we were younger, Ari had always loved to watch me play piano and sing.

It was something that I really only did for her.

Maybe I shouldn't just limit it to her...maybe if I did it for Isaac...with Isaac he would feel like I was there.

I felt like I had really failed him.

Just like Mami had failed me.

And now that I knew that it got to him...I would do everything in my power to make sure that things didn't stay this way.

After they spent time with Susan, I was going to make sure that I did too.

They both needed to see me and feel me near them, every single day.

How things had gotten so out of my control...I'm sure had a lot to do with my pride.

I was a mother.

And sometimes, I really think that I forget that.

I felt a burning in my chest and then in my throat before choking out the last syllable.

I needed to be better for my kids.

They needed me.

As whole and as open as possible.

Now maybe, I was actually seeing that for myself.

Ari opened her eyes and looked at me with a funny smile on her face.

Did she see it too?

_"You okay, Anita?"_

_"Um...yea. I just...I guess I'm starting to realize my worth again." _

_"You're so silly."_

_"Gee thanks." _

_"You have never seen how amazing you are...have you?"_

_"Every time that I tried...I got slapped down again. After a while I guess I just decided to shoot myself down before anyone else could."_

_"Even now?"_

_"Even now." _

_"That's the saddest thing that I have ever heard."_

_"Yea...I know." _

_"I love you so much, Santana and I don't think that I could love anyone in the way that I love you. You are worth so much more than you know." _

_"I'm trying so hard to get to that point where I can start believing that." _

_"Don't be such a pussy." _

_"What?"_

_"You heard me. You have so much talent and heart...you should be using it." _

_"I know." _

_"No...you don't...I don't think you realize just how good you are."_

_"I guess." _

_"You guess?"_

_"Look, Ari...I know that I have talent. If I didn't, Beyoncé wouldn't have called, I wouldn't have a record deal waiting in the wings. I get it okay...it's just not that simple." _

When did I get like this?

So fucking self-deprecating!

_"Bullshit. Get out there right now...go realize your potential and don't come back until you do." _

_"Are you serious?"_

_"Get the fuck out of my room. I'm tired and need sleep. I am not afraid to hit the nurse button." _

_"Fine...I will be back to pick you up at five?"_

_"Don't be late."_

_"I promise that I will not be late." _

_"Good, now go."_

* * *

I was going to go to Britt.

That had been my intention but I had my truck and I decided against it.

She was just getting back to work and I really didn't want to bother her.

Besides, there was something bigger that I wanted to do.

But I had to be smart about it.

There was still that countdown situation that we hadn't resolved.

It was looming over me and I knew that soon enough, Britt would be dealing with how I acted.

But right now...she was giving me time.

After giving my statement yesterday and Britt and I figured out things that I was afraid of and decided to start re-evaluating things in our lives.

Ari had just cemented more things for me.

I knew what I needed to do.

So, I climbed into my truck and turned it on.

Think Lopez...what would Britt want you to do?

What should you be doing right now?

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples, there was a new headache coming on.

My stomach ached and I just wanted to curl up and sleep...but I couldn't.

Not now.

Fucking get it together, Santana...we are so much better than this.

_"I am Santana Lopez, damnit." I said as I slapped the dashboard. "I am a survivor...I'm strong...I'm brilliant...a fucking rock star. Time to act like it."_

I went to put my foot on the gas when something caught my eye.

As I sat there in the hospital parking lot...my resolve was strengthened just when I needed it because as I was trying to get my thoughts together, I saw two guys doing a hand off.

I recognized the dealer.

In fact I was pretty sure I had given him a blow job at some point.

Gross.

It skeeved me out then...something unexpected happened.

I smiled to myself as I absorbed what it felt like to actually be disgusted with drugs and the things that I had done for them.

This was a milestone moment for me.

It was a sign.

A big one.

* * *

**_Bluetooth activated. Who would you like to call?_**

_"Call B."_

_**Calling B.**_

_"Hey Ana...what's up?" _

She sounded a little off.

But I brushed it to the side.

A million things could be on her mind.

Hopefully, none of the stress was because of me.

_"Well, Ari made me leave...it's a long story that I would love to tell you tonight when we cuddle."_

_"Mmm...that sounds nice." _

_"It does." _

_"So...in the mean time...what's up?"_

_"Well, I just wanted to let you know that I am going home." _

_"Home? Which home?"_

_"The house and I wanted to tell you because, well I'm alone and I didn't want you to worry."_

_"Oh. Okay...well did you want me to come with you?"_

_"No, no. I'm okay. I promise you. I just resisted temptation, actually and I'm quite proud of myself. In fact...there was no temptation at all. I saw it happening and it was the last thing I wanted. I feel really good about this. So, I'm going to take my ass home and I'm going to bake cookies with my kids and just celebrate. I just want to be home and since I can't have you home just yet, I thought I could at least get the kids."_

_"Oh you're coming to get them, now? I told you that my mom is spending time with them...remember?"_

_"Does she want to come over? Should I call her? I would really love to hang out with your parents. I miss them." _

_"Actually, I'm still here. Isaac didn't want me to leave. Hold on a second...let me put you on with her."_

_"Okay." _

_"And Ana?"_

_"Yes, B?"_

_"I love you." _

_"I love you too."_

_"Good." _

I heard the phone shuffle and then there was Isaac's voice.

_"Dis Mami?"_

_"Well hey there, Papa. You want Mami to come get you?"_

_"No, I wit Gama."_

_"Can I pick up Gama and you?"_

_"And Dani?"_

_"Yes and Dani too."_

_"K...I give you to Gama." _

There was more shuffling and then Susan's laughter came onto the phone.

My heart-felt warm just hearing it.

I loved my mother-in-law and I was glad that she was here in New York.

_"Hi Susan."_

_"Well hey there, how is my favorite daughter-in-law?"_

_"I'm great. Just reached a milestone, which I would love to tell you all about. Listen, I know that you are spending time with the kids today and I don't want to impose...okay maybe just a little bit. I just...I'm kind of jealous because I want to spend time with you too and well...I miss you."_

_"Is that right? I'm just in high demand, New York is turning my independent girls into needy ones, I see! Goodness. Well since my daughter has decided that she needs to go to see her bosses instead of calling off...I guess I could replace her with my other daughter." _

_"Oh is she in trouble? Did they call her in?"_

_"Frank did. She was headed out the door when you called...in fact she is impatiently waiting by the door waiting for me to give her precious iPhone back." _

_"She's pretty attached to that thing be careful...she bites." _

Susan let out a huge belly laugh and it made me long to be that way.

I longed to be the type of person that was able to just laugh and enjoy the moment that I existed in.

Even Britt had lost a bit of that.

_"Well...she can just wait...you are more important." _

_"Oh yea, I guess I am...well, would you mind? C__an I come pick you up...take you to see the new house?"_

_"I would love that...Rob has been dying to see what my daughter convinced you to spend millions of dollars on." _

_"Okay...well I'm pulling up outside your hotel. I'll be up in a second." _

_"See you soon."_

I pulled up along side of Brittany's truck and smiled to myself.

Really, after coming to so many realizations and committing to take some responsibility for my shit.

Kind of like when I moved to that room in Lima...but on a daily, more permanent basis, I just wanted to hug my wife.

I just wanted to be in her arms, even if it was just in passing,

And it looks like providence was shining on me.

* * *

_"Hey...I thought you were supposed to be auditioning people in Jersey with August? I didn't think you would be with your mom." _

I had run into Britt by the elevators and could see that she was looking upset.

_"Yea...we decided against it."_

_"Yea...so why do you look so upset?"_

_"Ugh...I'm not upset...I'm nervous."_

_"Why are you nervous?"_

_"Well...I wanted to tell you this later but...I guess now is as good a time as any."_

_"Okay...what is it?"_

Britt brushed my hair from my face and pulled be to the side so we were blocking the elevators.

Her blue eyes were twinkling and her smile was very unsure.

Whatever it was...it was big.

She circled my waist with her hands and held me against her as she looked into my eyes.

Okay, this was really big.

_"Okay...um.."_ She looked away and then back at me with watery eyes.

I brushed my fingers across her cheek and kissed her lips before pulling back and looking at her.

_"B...you're scaring me. Whatever it is...we will work it out. Just tell me." _

_"Well...do you remember when I told you that I met Alvin Ailey?"_

_"Yes...you went on and on about it for hours."_

_"Well...he has apparently been trying to open up a new dance school. Like a real big one that would take over a dance program at a big name University." _

_"Okay...that's good right?"_

_"Yes...really good. It would be a top program in the country." _

_"Okay, did he like ask you to teach or something?_

_"Well..kind of but not exactly." _

_"Britt...sweetheart...you have to just say it." _

_"He told me that if I wanted to continue my studies that I could, for free."_

_"Yea? That's great...for a degree right?"_

_"Yes...but he wanted to give me the opportunity to teach as well."_

_"Yea?"_

_"He made me an offer to do all of it and it's a great opportunity but I think I'm going to have to turn it down."_

_"What? Why? Britt this is a good job and you could go to school again! You have said yourself how Broadway just isn't where your heart is and so you would be able to like train dancers but you get to learn too. You would be going to their school...you would get to dance everyday. That's what you want right?"_

_"Yes but-" _

_I shook my head and pushed my fingers softly against her lips._

_"No but's...if this is what you want...then I want you to follow your heart. Is this something that you really want to do?" _

She gave me a sad smile before nodding and shoving her hands into her pockets.

But then her lips ended up between her teeth as she looked into my eyes.

_"It is...but-"_

_"No buts remember." _

_"Ana, the job isn't close...like at all. I would...we would have to move away from New York." _

_"Okay...well...we can do that. I mean I love our house and the apartment...we don't have to sell them. We can make this work. Where is it?"_

_"It's in L.A." _

_"Like in California?" _

My heart was racing.

That was clear across the country.

But I still stood by what I said.

We could make this work.

_"Yea and it's a lot of money too." _

_"Yea?"_

_"Totally." _

_"How much are we talking here, B?"_

_"Like...a lot. They want to give me twenty thousand just to sign the contract. Then after that...they will pay me two hundred thousand a year. It's a lot of money." _

_"Shit...you have to take it. Like seriously think about this...you could retire your parents, I mean with the money from the show alone your bank account is already looking amazing plus you can get your degree. On top of all that...you get to dance...everyday."_

_"Yea but...our lives are here. Ari is here...she needs us."_

_"B...this is an opportunity of a lifetime...just like the Madonna tour was. I was dumb to keep you from that. This time, I'm all in. You can go get settled there and I will stay here with Ari and see her through Chemo. I know that you don't want to be away from the kids and me while I'm pregnant but we will work it out. You get settled and then we will follow you. It could be a new start for all of us." _

_"I don't know, Ana. It's a lot to think about. Isaac is already having separation issues. I don't want to make them worse. They need to be stable."_

_"As long as they are with us...they are stable."_

_"Look...as good as you are making things sound...I need more time. So, lets talk about it over dinner...I need to get over to the theater. You know how Frank is." _

_"Oh...sure, B."_

_"Love you." _

_"I love you."_

_"Bye." _

_"B...wait a sec?" _

She turned to me and I could see the sadness in her eyes.

The last time she talked about going away things had not ended well.

There were no words that I could say to make things better in that moment.

But there was something that I could do.

Before she could walk off though, I pulled her against me and just held her.

She sighed and when I looked up at her, she was smiling a bit bigger and her eyes were happier.

I did that.

And it felt like things were just as they needed to be.

No better, no worse.

This was something I would always fight for.

Love.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"This is my official notice, Frank. I'm not coming back." _

_"I knew this was coming. I really should have known, do you at least intend to finish out your contract?"_

_"Of course. It's up on June 1st and so I will be working until then, I still plan to work from home. Ari is staying with us during her chemo and I really need to be home to help her through it. I will come in twice a week and the other three days you can send the dancers to me."_

_"Okay. That's acceptable."_

_"I'm glad that you agree." _

_"I'm proud of you. You really turned your work ethic around since that whole meeting that we had. I'm sure that wherever you are headed, will have a great person on their staff. May I ask where?"_

_"Alvin Ailey is opening up a school in Los Angeles...they are taking me on as a teaching assistant while I study there. I haven't accepted completely...but after a lot of thought, I know that my heart just isn't in this anymore. I don't think I can turn down such a great opportunity. " _

_"I don't blame you." _

_"Seriously?"_

_"No, Brittany...that's great. Congratulations. I know that I have always been tough on you...but I have appreciated your talent since the day you auditioned for me. I know there is so much more out there for you and I would be a fool to keep you from those things." _

_"Really?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Thank you, Frank." _

_"No, thank you, for being upfront and if I might add...this is definitely not something you should even think twice about. Do it." _

_"The more I think about it...the more I'm sure that I will." _

_"Good. In the meantime, I hope that you will be willing to find and train your replacement." _

_"I already have someone in mind...he just graduated from Geoffrey and recently moved to New York. He would be a great asset to this company and I hope that you will consider him." _

_"Have him give us a call and we can set up an audition." _

_"Definitely. So...now that I'm back...tell me what you needed so badly." _

_"Great to have you back even if it's just for a month. I plan to work you to the bone...just so you know." _

_"I think I have proven that I can take whatever you throw at me." _

_"That you have...so...for starters lets talk about..."_

* * *

I couldn't believe how flexible Frank was being with me, I think he was really glad to see me go.

And when he suggested that I really give Alvin Ailey some thought, I took his word for it.

Even if I am convinced that he is evil, Frank is a star.

He has a bunch of Tony Awards and he even impresses Frankie.

Just having his name on my résumé with go far.

And while being on Broadway was something great, just like Frankie...it wasn't for me.

It wasn't my career path.

It didn't make me excited to get up in the morning.

In fact, the time I spent away from it, no matter what was going on, felt like a vacation.

Dance was never something that I wanted to hate.

So, leaving even if I wasn't going to take the job in L.A. was something that needed to happen.

Frankly, I was happy to go.

Going back to school was definitely something that I was interested in.

Being able to dance until my toes and joints hurt, was a privilege.

For Ari it was a stepping stone to her Broadway dream and for me...it was a dream just to be better.

Dance was my life and even though I was teaching people moves, it was the same moves, over and over.

Nothing was new.

Nothing changed.

It wasn't exciting.

This opportunity though...was a dream inside of a dream.

I would be stupid to turn it down.

I would be grounded in L.A. but I could tour with the dance program, which is better than world tours.

Stable.

Broadway was too stable but this...was a good balance of what I wanted and what I needed.

I had made up my mind.

Now I just had to figure out how to make things with Ana work out.

I mean, we were married now and she has this case that is tying her here for a while, but after that...what happens?

She was going to have another baby and so I knew that no matter what, we needed to be settled down somewhere.

I knew that I wanted to take this job, it was a big deal for me and I really didn't want to turn it down.

Now that I knew that Ana didn't want me to turn it down and that she was willing to go on this journey with me, it made me sure that I was doing the right thing.

Now everything was just down to details.

* * *

_"Hey Ari."_

I sat beside her and waited while she wrote something down.

She had her Bible spread out and was writing really slow.

Her chemo was nearing its end and pretty soon it would be time to go.

She looked tired and like every movement was painful.

But she kept writing even though it looked like it was hurting her.

Maybe I should help her.

_"No...I don't need your help."_ She said without even looking up.

How did she know what I was thinking?

_"I wasn't going to ask." _

_"You were...but that's okay. I know it's not pity." _

_"Never." _

_"Good." _

She looked at the paper and sucked her lips into her mouth just like Ana did sometimes.

She was waiting for something.

For me.

So I wouldn't keep her waiting.

_"I talked to your doctor this a little while ago and came here to talk to you."_

_"Yea?" _

She kept her eyes to the paper but she wasn't moving her fingers anymore.

She was listening.

I had prayed really hard about all this from the moment that I left work until now.

After talking to Frank, he had put me to work looking through show tape.

Apparently, without Ari or me there, people were slipping up.

But as soon as the hospital called I had rushed over.

This was a big deal.

Frankly, I would rather spend my lunch break with Ari than ducking Grady, who left me like five notes about needing to talk.

Ari was definitely more important.

_"Your body is apparently doing better than expected. They wanted to know if I would be willing to donate my bone marrow. I told them that I would talk to you about it, it's your body. I just wanted you to know that I want to donate again...not because I feel like I have to because that's not it at all. It's something I want to do for you because I love you. I know a while back I threw the whole donating thing in your face and I just wanted to let you know that if you decide that this is what you want to do again...that I won't ever make a mistake like that again. You have my word."_

_"No."_

I felt my face get hot.

Maybe I said it wrong?

Maybe she just didn't understand?

_"Ari this could make this all go away."_

_"Until the next time it comes back."_

She looked up at me finally and I could see that her hazel eyes were dark green now, they looked scary.

I hated seeing her like this.

I wish Ana was here.

_"This time you will take your medicines and actually go to the doctor so there won't be a next time if you do things right this time, right?" _

_"So you are saying that this is my fucking fault? You think I like getting Cancer, Brittany? You know what, get the fuck out. I don't want shit from you. I can't even...ugh...just go!"_

_"But-"_

_"Go!" _

* * *

**Gloria's POV**

* * *

_"Oh Father, I don't know what to do here. I have counseled the sick, the wounded, and the dying. I have done so many things to glorify your precious name. Father I have walked with my head bowed and my heart open...but in this Father, I am at a loss. You gave her to me and on the surface I know that it is you who decides how this all plays out. I love her...other than you and my family...there is nothing else that I love like her. I don't know what to do. Please lead me...guide me. Help me to comfort her. Please God!"_

I had been at work, on my knees in the break room for almost an hour.

This was the first day that I wasn't able to sit through chemo with Ari and I couldn't focus.

I just wanted to be with her.

My boss had told me that he would let me take unpaid time off and now that we have up the apartment...maybe I should take it.

I just wanted to help her.

But how?

I sat at my desk a little while later and just zoned out as I thought about all the things that I needed to do once I left.

Santana had texted me to tell me that Ari had gotten done early and that she was picking her up now.

She told me that Britt would be around to pick me up after work but I insisted that I could take a cab.

Frankly it was a relief to not be penned in by someone else picking me up.

After spending that year in the convent, with so many restrictions, I needed to be able to come and go as I pleased.

But now I had a new restriction...one that I gladly accepted without complaint.

Ari.

I also knew for a fact that Brittany usually worked really long hours and I didn't want to have to wait for her.

Besides, this gave me more time to deal with what I needed to do without interruption.

* * *

_"Thanks for meeting with me."_ I said as I slid into a booth in a diner just a block away from my job.

_"Does she know that you are meeting with me?"_

_"What do you think?"_

_"True...just thought you would have told someone by now. This is the fifth or sixth time we are meeting...at least. Who knew that you could keep a secret?"_

_"I did." _

_"So she doesn't even suspect anything?" _

I sipped the coffee that was already waiting for me like it was manna from heaven.

My mind had been everywhere and little delights like the perfect cup of coffee was just enough to make me feel a little relief.

_"No...in fact, she probably doesn't even know where I am right now but as you know, Ari has never been one to ask anyone too much. She doesn't chase me around, she knows how important it is for me to have my freedom."_

_"That's a good thing."_

_"So I asked you here because I need your help and even though it's probably unorthodox...she needs you too." _

_"But if I step in...if I make it known that I'm here...it doesn't just affect her. This is a pretty big risk that you are taking." _

_"Look when you contacted me a while back and asked me to keep your secret...I did. I haven't gone back on my word even though new things have come up...new things that have changed the way things might turn out." _

_"I thank you for that. I really do...especially since...well you know that things are about to get serious. I'm here though."_

_"So tell me, how can I convince her to keep fighting."_

_"You can't. She's stubborn and once she has it in her head that there is nothing to fight for...she will give into being sick." _

_"That's what I'm afraid of." _

_"You can't tell her to fight...you just need to give her reasons to fight. She's very humble but she has a lot of pride. So if you just led her by example...she will eventually respond. She has always been the type to do things when nobody is looking."_

_"It amazes me that you know her so well." _

_"I know a lot...I have made my mistakes but I plan to fix things. I had an epiphany and all that...thanks to you and to God...I have turned my life around." _

_"Well...I just pointed out the obvious...I believe Tucker took it from there." _

_"That he did." _

_"So you'll help me then?"_

_"I will do as much as I can...I just have to be careful. Very, very careful...in fact...I should get going. They didn't want me to meet you but I insisted. Unfortunately, though, I have reached my time limit. Enjoy that coffee...you know how to contact me." _

_"That I do, take care of yourself." _

_"I don't really have a choice...Tucker is very protective as we both know."_

_"Mmmm...yes...definitely." _

_"Before I go...can you just...keep doing whatever it is you are doing...please?"_

_"You can count on it...now go before you get in trouble."_

I watched as my companion stood and couldn't help but smile at the definite change that had occurred.

So much had come out of a dying woman's wish.

Ironically, now I had another dying woman to worry about.

And I was hoping that with a little divine intervention...I could get her to settle into living.

Because I was going to do anything and everything that I could to make sure that she lived for a long time to come.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Are you sure that it's a good idea to take her with me to the hospital?"_

_"Yes...it's a great idea. Isaac is going to sit in that corner until he realizes that it is not okay to hit his sister." _

_"I don't feel right leaving him, Susan." _

_"Enough of that...go get Ari before the traffic gets heavy. Isaac will be fine here with Gama...right Izzy?"_

I looked over at my son who was sitting in his foam chair staring at the wall.

He nodded his head and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Use your words and uncross your arms, young man."

It amazed me to see Isaac listen to his Gama without complaint.

He didn't even huff.

He just put his hands on his lap and turned just enough to look at us.

_"Yes Mami, I ok wit Gama."_

I wanted so badly to hug him but Susan told me that just a kiss on his head would be enough.

So I leaned over and kissed his head before dropping my hand on his shoulder.

_"You be a good boy, okay? I will be right back and Mama will be home soon." _

_"Okay, Mami." _

_"I love you, Papa." _

_"I love you."_ He whispered before turning back towards the wall.

I felt bad for him.

This was my fault really.

When it started, each time that Daniela hit him, I brushed it off so he thought it was okay for him.

So now I had to be more careful...I had to be fair.

He had gotten his signals crossed.

And I was to blame.

But just like Susan told me...just because I felt bad didn't mean I let him make me guilty.

I had to be his parent.

My only issue was that I hadn't really had one of those, so I was learning as I went along.

I just needed to use my resources, I was surrounded by mothers and I needed to learn from them.

Otherwise, my kids would walk all over me.

* * *

_"You ready to go?"_

The moment that I stepped into Ari's room, I could see the change in her from this morning.

The light had left her eyes and her skin was looking dry and pale.

And what made my heart stop in my chest was the way her curls were thinning out.

I put Daniela on her feet and watched as she walked over to Ari.

Despite her looking like she just wanted to throw in the towel, seeing the baby brought some of the light back to her eyes.

_"Yea...in a minute."_ She said as held Daniela's little hands.

Usually she would pick her up but I could just see that she wasn't strong enough for that right now.

It saddened her.

"Do you want me to pick her up for you?"

She looked at me with a sad smile but shook her head.

_"That's fine...did you know that after I'm gone...Dani will be the only girl left in the Soto family?"_

_"Don't."_ I said as I sat beside her and put my arm over her shoulders.

_"I...Anita please don't make me fight anymore." _

_"You promised." _

_"I know it's just...I'm so tired." _

_"Britt called me."_ I whispered as I looked at her.

_"I was afraid of that." _

_"She was in tears, you know?"_

_"Yea well...she should be."_

_"Ari..."_

She shook her head and ran her fingers through Daniela's hair.

It had gotten so long and curly.

The white blonde from her birth was now turning to a golden brown.

It was beautiful.

_"Look...I know that I was harsh and I will apologize to her later. I just...it was a lot to take in."_

_"Will you consider it?"_

_"I don't know." _

_"Okay...I won't press you on it. Let's get you home...okay?"_

_"Yea? You aren't going to give me shit for this?"_

_"I don't think there is anything that I can say to convince you at this point."_

She looked sad as I stood to my feet.

I wasn't giving up on her.

In the past she would have known that...but this version of my friend was different.

Chemo does things to the brain...changes the processing or something...I had learned it in Biology.

From Dr. Cray...usually I kind of just ignored him in class and borrowed notes but when he talked about Cancer and it's affects...I listented.

And I learned something.

Ironic.

I know.

* * *

_"So did you actually go out and realize your dreams?"_

We were halfway to the house and Ari had decided that silence was too deafening.

I smiled to myself and looked at her way for a split second.

She was grinning at me and it was a welcome sight.

_"Yes...I picked up Britt's mom and the kids...then I went back home and spent time with them. I played with the kids...talked to Susan and then...when the kids took their nap, I went down to the studio and I wrote. I even recorded some...I can't wait for you to hear it." _

_"That's really great to hear." _

_"Thanks for being tough on me...I plan to return the favor...just so you know." _

_"I was counting on it...you never let me down." _

_"I'm sure that I have let you down plenty of times." _

_"Never when it counts."_

_"Like now?"_

_"I know...especially now."_

_"I just want you to beat this...I want you and Daniela to be close. You are family...and I want her to know that she came from something good."_

_"That's noble."_ She chuckled as she rested her feet on the dashboard and reclined back.

_"It's smart...head off too many questions about her father."_

_"Ha...I'm sure you won't be able to avoid that." _

_"Everything about him and I was toxic...right down to the moment she was conceived?"_

_"Wait...you actually remember?"_

_"I'd like to forget...screwing him so he could sign the divorce papers while snorting my brains to mush. It wasn't my best moment...not exactly loving." _

_"I bet." _

_"Let's not talk about that...lets talk about your dog...he shit all over my guest room. You are so lucky that Susan got to it before I could see it...I nearly passed out when she told me." _

_"Ha! I'm sorry about that."_

And just like that...we were good again.

Ari was laughing from then on.

I was glad she was in a better mood.

It would be easier to discuss the big things now.

Like her fighting this damned disease like she promised.

The doctors were saying good things...she could survive.

And she would.

She had to.

* * *

**Gloria's POV**

* * *

I took a moment to gather myself as I climbed out of the cab at the end of the gravel driveway.

Each time that I had one of my secret meetings, that good old Catholic guilt would wash over me.

Even though I wasn't being unfaithful, I was still keeping something from the people around me.

Something big.

It didn't feel right and hopefully, I wouldn't have to hold it in for much longer.

I had needed the meeting though.

My faith had been taking a huge hit lately and I just needed someone to tell me what I already knew.

And while I could get that reassurance from anyone...that's not what I wanted.

Things needed to happen this way.

I just had to keep reminding myself of that fact.

Every single time.

I looked at my watch and saw that it was just after six and so dinner should either be just starting or already in progress.

As I walked up the drive, I could see that Santana's truck was parked which meant that she and Ari were already here.

Brittany hadn't gotten here yet.

I had been right to assume that she would be working late.

When I got to the door of the house, I could hear the silence.

It always got under my skin just how quiet a house with two small children could be so quiet.

It just didn't seem normal.

Then again, what had been normal in my life since I had met Ari and her friends?

Nothing.

* * *

When I was inside the house, it was just as quiet.

Even stranger.

Then saw the note on the table.

**_B and Gloria, _**

**_The kids are with their grandparents in the studio having a picnic. _**

**_Me and Ari are downstairs. _**

**_Love _**

**_S_**

I couldn't hold back my smile as I remembered the sound proofed studio below my feet.

No wonder it was so silent.

Maybe it was my guilty nature getting the best of me.

Keep secrets had always made me paranoid.

If I didn't assuage my guilt, Ari would be able to tell soon.

Which would not be good for anyone involved!

* * *

When I stepped into the studio, I wasn't expecting what I saw.

There was Ari standing at the mic stand singing as Santana played.

She looked surprisingly vibrant.

She had usually been too sick to function after chemo but it seemed like today was a grand exception.

She still looked pale and sick but she was glowing.

Sometimes jealousy knocks me down...I'm human...I'm no saint.

When it's Santana that puts that glow there, I always hesitate a moment and beg God for forgiveness.

I knew better than to think what existed between them was even a little sexual.

It was a familiarity that I would never have with the woman who I loved.

But I would survive because I knew that at the end of the day, Ari chose me.

* * *

The calm and happiness though, amazing, did not last very long.

Once Ari actually ate...everything turned back to her being sick.

And when that happened, it was me that she looked at.

I was a caregiver.

If I wasn't watching over her, everything felt off.

This whole day for me had felt wrong.

What if she needed me?

But work had to happen.

Which is why I quit.

Just before going for coffee, I told my boss that I couldn't choose between paperwork and love anymore.

He was patient and kind and told me that he would always have a place for me in his department.

It was a blessing.

Just like her.

* * *

_"So do you want to tell me why you don't want to get the transplant?"_

I had just stripped Ari down and was in the middle of giving her a sponge bath.

She looked at me with sunken in eyes and chapped lips and cracked a small smile.

_"It was stupid. I had lost my faith...and really my pride got the best of me."_

_"So you changed your mind?"_

_"I promised you that I would fight and what does it look like, me a devout Catholic, telling lies to a nun?"_

_"Almost nun." _I corrected as I brushed my fingers over her near transparent skin.

My heart ached to see her like this.

I wanted to throw myself on Gods mercy...I wanted Him to take me instead.

She would die without this transplant...that was clear to me.

I thought about my earlier conversation.

She needed to be led to the right choice.

_"I won't break my word...I will do it."_ She whispered after I was silent too long.

_"I will be there every step of the way."_

_"Promise me, cariño. Promise me you won't leave me."_

_"I promise you I'm going to love you and be with you through this and after this...can you promise me the same...that you will fight not to leave me?"_

I knew that it wasn't a fair question.

But she needed to know how serious I was, how much I wanted her here with me.

And she didn't let me down.

_"I will always fight for you, Gloria."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"I'm ready for whatever you are planing."_

I was exhausted.

For hours I had wanted nothing more than a hot bath and some sweet lady kisses from my wife.

It had been a long day with big decisions.

And I was so done with dealing with people.

I just wanted my bed and her.

Work had really taken over my life in the past and now it was doing it again and on top of that, I had sat in on a show.

What a fucking disaster.

So when I walked into our bedroom at quarter after ten, I hadn't been expecting my wife to be sitting on the bed in my big t-shirt waiting for me.

_"What?"_

_"The countdown...my punishment." _

_"Oh...that." _

I hated that I had initiated this.

Why couldn't I just control things in another way?

Why did I have to bring dominance into this?

Now I couldn't back out.

* * *

_"It's been in the back of my mind all day and all you can say is oh...that?"_

I dropped my bag at my closet door and slipped out of my crocs before sliding onto our comfy couch that faced the bed.

_"Honestly Ana...I have had so many other things on my mind...it got pushed to the side." _

_"Well...I have my first final tomorrow and I can't go into it thinking about how I pushed you to do the countdown." _

_"What if I don't want to punish you?"_

She looked serious as she shook her head.

_"Please...B...I'm serious...you can't just do that and pull out. I am trusting you with my control...my life is in your hands...please?"_

I nodded and sat forward on the couch.

I guess this would be the time to deal with this.

_"Okay...fine...come here."_

She slid from the bed and came to stand in front of me.

_"Are you going to hit me?"_ She whispered.

I hated that sound in her voice.

_"No. I told you that I wouldn't...outside of sexy times. I meant that."_

She nodded once and then her body relaxed.

_"Okay." _

_"I want you to write...but not just anything...something different."_

_"Okay...like what?"_

She looked anxious.

And she should be.

I was tired of this game that we played.

I was tired of not talking through things.

And I wanted us to move to California and start fresh.

So she would do this.

And she would make me proud.

* * *

I had wanted to get her to do this for quite a while.

And to most it wouldn't really sound like a punishment.

But I knew my wife, I knew her weaknesses and I knew her strengths.

I had to ask myself what I wanted her to learn from this.

Which really, considering everything we had been through since her 18th birthday, was a lot.

But one day at a time.

Each step she took towards bettering herself was a step towards her happiness.

And I wanted her happiness more than anything in the world.

I wanted to give her everything that u could but that wasn't what this was about.

I wanted her to feel that sense of accomplishment that she had defeated a dark piece of her past.

Like today...with the temptation of drugs, she had been so proud of herself.

She was glowing when I saw her just after.

She had done that.

And I couldn't be happier about it.

* * *

And so that was why I chose this "punishment" for her.

_"I want you to write 50 things that you love about yourself." _

Her jaw dropped as she looked a me, immediately tears flooded her eyes.

She shifted on her feet.

_"B...that's impossible."_

_"It isn't. No arguments...and that's not the end of it."_

_"There's more?" _

Here she is ladies and gentleman, bad-ass, head Cheerio, Santana Lopez, whining.

_"I want you to then take that list and use it to write a song with music. You have five days...one for every finger that you ignored. Understand?"_

She looked at me with serious face and nodded.

The whining Santana was gone.

_"I won't let you down, B."_

It meant so much to hear her say that to me.

She was trying to prove something to herself and I wouldn't stand in her way.

I would just cheer her on.

* * *

_"B?"_

_"Yes, Ana Banana?" _I whispered as we laid in bed that night.

_"Thank you for everything you are."_

_"Back at cha babe."_

_"And B?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"You are going to be so amazing in LA."_

_"You think so?"_

_"I know so."_

_"With you by my side, I can do anything."_

_"You have the best of me...and I never want to disappoint or the kids."_

_"One day at a time."_

_"It is all I can give and I will give it all...my love, my commitment, and my honesty."_

_"I love you...I'm so proud of you."_

_"More and more each day...I am starting to be proud of me too_."

I pulled her against my chest and ran my fingers lightly over her battle scars.

Her back was healing nicely even with the pain she still went through, she never complained.

She was the strongest person that I knew.

I loved her with everything that I was.

Always and only her.

* * *

**_A/N: mmmmm...I still have tricks up my sleeve lovelies! Review! All errors well they belong to me unlike Glee._**


	58. Chapter 58:Ghosts That We Knew

_**A/N: Whoa whoa whoa...to that anon who reviewed...darling...if you think Britt is going to cheat...maybe you should go back and reread. Nobody and I repeat nobody is cheating on anybody else. Enjoy! **_

_**Also...I fight myself on keeping with continuity...something that our dear show sometimes lacks. That being said...just read and enjoy...oh and seriously...reviews help me. They keep me in line. So you tell me the good and the bad...but make sure there is good and I will do my part and make sure that Ana and Brittz make it out alive. Promise! :)**_

* * *

**Chapter 58:Ghosts That We Knew (Mumford & Sons) **

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Since I was little, I always loved the dark.

With all of my monsters out in the open, in the light of day...there was no reason to fear the darkness.

For me it was peaceful and filled with so much silence that I felt like I could actually feel God.

When I learned to play the piano, I would often turn off all the lights in the house and play.

Later when Quinn started to come over, she told me that I should always have light.

So she took it upon herself to put little glow-in-the-dark stars all over my piano.

Of course, it wasn't long after that my piano was taken from me.

Now years later, after it was taken, years after it belonged to someone else, a few of the stars remained.

Once again, it was late at night,

Britt had given me a real challenge and I couldn't sleep more than an hour without wanting to actually work on it.

So here I sat, fingers to the keys.

I didn't really know what to do as I let the coolness of the keys meld with my soul.

There is just something ethereal about the sound of the music that I can create.

It is something that is wholly mine.

As I closed my eyes and began to move my fingers, a pain shot through me.

My back then began to spasm and my nose gave that trickle.

It was the first time that I had a nosebleed without the help of some drug.

But like an addict...I couldn't give in.

I wiped away the blood and continued to play.

Soon it stopped and the tears washed away what was left of it.

Britt was asking me to see myself.

To really take a look and I wasn't sure if I could come up with anything that I liked.

I often got on my own nerves.

My feelings were always all over the place and my rage was always present.

I was always ready to fight, even when I know I'm probably going to lose.

Like the fight with Zizes...or the countless fights with Quinn...and especially the one where I ended up in a coma.

How could a person learn to love themselves after their own body betrays them?

That day...the day that put this baby in my womb, I came.

I came harder than I had come in an insanely long time.

Guilt still rages through me.

How can I be who she needs me to be?

Why had I survived?

* * *

I don't know how long my playing went on or if it even sounded good.

All I am sure of is that when I finally stopped, my fingers were sore, my face was wet, and my eyes were itchy and dry.

As I stood up and stretched, my back cracked and the pain returned.

I think that I knew...

I think that I was aware of what was happening.

Was I a bad person for not trying to stop it?

Was I evil for allowing nature to take place?

Who was I, anymore?

I pushed out of the room and stepped into the coolness of the hallway.

A part of me expected Britt to be waiting for me...but she wasn't.

I was alone.

And that was okay before.

Now though...I wanted nothing more but to fall into her arms,

But I had more pressing things to deal with.

* * *

**_Worry.-San_**

A response didn't immediately come as I climbed the stairs towards my bedroom.

I knew that it was late...or early but I just needed to let her know.

She needed to know what I wasn't willing to admit to anyone.

Those five letters had been enough.

They spoke all that they needed to speak and were everything to me in that moment.

When I pushed the door open and stepped into our bedroom, there she was.

Britt was curled up around my pillow with her hair sticking out all over her head.

It made me smile.

I pushed into the bathroom and closed the door.

No lock.

Today, I was vowing to be an open book.

I sat down on the toilet seat and scrolled through my phone.

I wanted to call someone...talk to anyone but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

The time was glaring at me...3:17 am.

How could I disturb anyone with my shit?

Hadn't I been enough over the last few years?

_**What do you need?-Q**_

I chewed my lips as I stared down into the bowl.

A doctor?

A priest?

My best friend?

My wife?

**_Trinity.-San_**

**_On my way.-Q_**

* * *

I was a mess.

But I had to keep my head and move on.

Keep calm and carry on, right?

I knelt in the bath tub just like the first time and just tried to breathe.

This was happening and even though the love of my life was just on the other side of the door, I kind of just wanted to deal with this alone.

Quinn would come and it would be over for the most part.

By the time she made it from Brooklyn, I knew that I would be back in bed.

I just knew it.

Except, Brittany's timing never cares about me.

I heard her footsteps before I saw her and just like that my walls came crashing down.

The tears came and so when she saw me, it took her no more than three seconds to come to me.

_"Ana...is this...what..." _

She couldn't come up with the question as the tears formed in her eyes.

That I didn't expect.

I knew that she and her mom had talked.

I knew that Susan tried to convince her to get me to not have this baby.

But Britt wouldn't do that.

She stood by me and now...Susan got her wish.

_"It's happening, B." _

_"What...what do I do?"_

_"Nothing...I couldn't stop it...just...hold my hand?"_

She nodded and then stood to her feet.

Apparently she had a different idea.

I watched in awe as she climbed into the tub with me and turned on the water.

She knelt behind me and pulled me against her.

_"I'm here."_ She said before kissing my shoulder.

_"B...I-" _

She cut me off with a small shushing noise before kissing me again.

_"I won't let you be alone in this."_

She pressed a hand to my stomach and wrapped her other arm around my chest.

My first instinct was to fight but then I just gave in as I looked down at the water.

_"Thank you."_ I whispered as I slumped against her.

More than I had realized, I wanted her with me in this.

She had seen it in my eyes and acted on it.

She was giving me something to hold on to.

* * *

I fell asleep in her arms but not for very long.

Even though I could feel her laying us back in the warm water, I didn't open my eyes.

I needed to just allow her to take care of me.

So I did.

My heart was huge as she sang to me.

The tears were leaking from me as I felt her run the soap over my body.

Now she was talking.

Whispering so quietly.

_"This is a horrible time...I know you can hear me."_ She took a deep breath as she slowly moved down to my sorer parts. I hissed and finally opened my eyes to meet hers. She didn't smile or even speak at first, instead she just looked at me while she softly touched my mound. _"Someday...we will try again. I saved my eggs...the next time...we will chose the time and we will go through it together. I love you." _

My heart was heavy as I listened to her admit to me something I had always known.

I had waited for over a year for her to tell me those words.

Truthfully, I wanted nothing more than to have carried her baby...but I hadn't been ready before today.

Before now.

_"I want that."_ I whispered back.

Her eyes searched mine for a while before she nodded and then began to help me rinse myself.

The bleeding had stopped and now I was just feeling empty and a bit hopeless.

_"First...we get better...we move and then...when we are settled and you are clean for a year...we can do it?"_

Even though she basically set the guidelines, I couldn't argue them.

I agreed.

There was no way that I could get pregnant now.

Everything was up in the air.

I needed to be stable.

_WE_ needed to be stable.

And we would be.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The feelings just weren't there.

We had just lost a baby.

But there were no breakdowns.

We dropped our tears in that tub and then went to bed.

And just like that, we had mourned and moved on.

It was strange and seemed a bit cold.

She was tired.

I could see it in her eyes and in the way that she moved.

We woke up early in the morning, prepared to start our day.

I felt like there was something looming.

Like we would be ruined by the end of the day.

But you wouldn't be able to tell by the way that I smiled at her,

By the way that I touched her skin.

You wouldn't be able to tell even with the thunder pounding at our door and the rain begging to get in.

Just before we had fallen to sleep, Quinn had swept in and jumped in the bed with us.

It was what Ana had wanted and now as we greeted the day, the moment took me back.

Back to that first sleepover.

Back to when Quinn spooned her back while I kissed her lips.

It had always been this way.

And from the small flickering flame behind her eyes, I could see that she needed it.

Needed to be surrounded and held.

So even though the alarm was going off, I snuggled closer to her and kissed her lips.

She kissed me back with so much sweetness that I could feel the heavy tears coming.

I couldn't do that now.

Instead I wrapped my arm around both her and Quinn and closed my eyes.

Quinn squeezed back and so there we lay, tangled in a web of comfort and care.

* * *

_"Pancake?"_

We had been laying there in silence, clinging to each other when we heard Izzy.

And just like that, our tangled web came apart.

I sat up and saw him standing in the doorway looking at me with his big blue eyes.

He was hungry.

Then, just like the beauty of her smile, her laugh broke out.

I turned back to watch as her face lit up.

She laughed so hard that her whole body was shaking.

Quinn joined in and soon after so did I.

I wasn't even sure why we were laughing but it was much better than all the tears,

And all the pain.

It felt good to be able to smile after such a tough night.

Ana looked beautiful as she pushed up from the bed and headed towards the bathroom.

_"Q, make your kid some pancakes!"_

She said before closing the door.

It was good to see her trying to be something.

Trying to be bigger.

Quinn got up from the bed and scooped up Izzy.

_"I guess, I'll be downstairs making pancakes. I'm going to grab Dani too. Ceily and Beth are here too. I wouldn't be surprised if she already has her. Why don't you go be with San? I don't trust that she's okay, B." _

_"No?"_

_"She told me to worry...and so I am." _

_"She lost it...the baby."_ I said finally.

I watched the color drain from her face and then she swallowed hard.

_"Wow...that's...uh...wow." _

_"Yea...I think I will go. Just...don't bring it up unless she does...okay?"_

Quinn nodded and quickly wiped at the corners of her eyes before turning her attention to Izzy.

I found that the kids were always a great distraction from the pains of the moment.

There was nothing like their love.

* * *

Quinn had been right.

When I stepped into the bathroom, I could hear her sobbing.

She didn't want to show me her pain...even after I took care of her.

But I got it...I had been here.

I understood that need to just grieve alone.

She was letting it out and so I stood there, quietly, waiting for the sobs to die down.

In the meantime, I quietly brushed my teeth, took my pills and washed my face.

After about five minutes, the sounds had stopped.

I stripped down my clothes and was about to step in the shower when I heard her voice.

She was singing.

It was low and soft.

At first, I wasn't sure what song it was but then after a moment it hit me,

She was singing Shake it Out...something that she had sung to Coach Beiste in senior year and I could just hear the pain.

So I started singing to as I stepped in the shower with her.

Just like all the performances in high school...everyone in our glee club was always prepared for someone to just show up and sing with them.

So she didn't miss a note as she looked up into my eyes.

We stood there, looking in each other's eyes as we sang our hearts out.

Of course, her voice held so much more of the smoothness and beauty where mine was a bit shaky.

But we didn't really care how we sounded.

It was more about us healing,

Together.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

You know the feeling when you wake up and you immediately feel like the day is going to be really heavy?

Like no matter what you do, you should have just stayed in bed...

You are overcome with this feeling of uselessness and fear...and no matter what people try to do to help you...it really is useless trying to make you feel better.

You are in a slump and it's there to stay.

A darkness filling every corner with its gooey and thick presence.

Every action has a reaction and before you know it...you are crying yourself to sleep later that night, wishing that you never stepped outside in the first place.

When I moved off to live alone and get clean, I felt like that every single day with the exception of the days where I was with my kids.

Those days were filled with such blinding light that it usually restored me for a few days,

Without them...I would definitely be on drugs.

They save me from myself.

Even when I feel like this.

When I woke up on the morning of my first final, after a night of loss, I had this crushing feeling like the world was going to fuck me over.

I mean sure the last few years had felt that way but today felt exceptionally heavy.

The first sign that I should have turned over and just stayed in bed was the heavy thunder and the rain hitting the windows.

I was all set to be in a dark, miserable hole, all day long but those eyes and that touch, pulled me closer to the surface.

Quinn held me tight as I looked into the eyes of my wife.

She didn't speak, just looked and touched.

It was like she was making me feel faith...and hope.

Britt was pulling me from the darkness and making me live.

Even when I didn't want to.

* * *

By the time that my son came bursting in the room, demanding a pancake, I was so close to the surface that I was hysterical.

I couldn't contain all my laughter and I was sure that I sounded like a raving lunatic.

Naturally, both Q and Britt followed me into laughter.

A trinity of fools.

And even though the darkness was still there...looming just outside of my reach, clinging to my skin like the sweat after a long run, I allowed a moment of lightness.

Fake it until you feel it...and that I was...slowly feeling it.

After allowing the moment of light, I got tired of the tight, burning feeling on my skin and decided to wash it away.

I needed that moment to just breathe.

Thankfully, Isaac is always distracted by Quinn, like all the time and so I was able to push breakfast off on her.

Britt though...I knew that she would come.

After the night we had, she wouldn't be too far from me today and I was actually okay with that.

I was okay with her hovering, because honestly...I felt like I was becoming unhinged.

No drugs would enter my system but that didn't mean that I couldn't be reckless still.

As a matter of fact and history...my reckless streak saw no limitations.

I knew who I was.

What I was...and so did she.

Thankfully.

* * *

By the time that Britt dropped me off at my final, I was in a much better mood.

She was going shopping with the kids and her parents and promised to be waiting when my three-hour test was up.

I knew that I was in for a long day and honestly...I was ready for it.

The last time that I had even set foot on campus was for my midterms and so it ended up that my advisor had been wrong.

All of my grades were relying on my passing my finals.

So this was a big deal.

I was thankful though...because three of my professors ended up getting together and allowing me to sit all their tests in a three-hour span of time.

So Math, Literary Theory, and Voice.

The last final was going to be a breeze.

However...the first two...the ones that were professors that I had slept with...made me a little nervous.

After things with Dr. Cray in his office, I was anxious to be alone with any of my professors.

Of course...my advisor had thought of that.

Because who was there in the lecture hall?

My advisor.

Thank God!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"So just like that...she has a miscarriage and you two just keep it moving?"_

_"Yea."_

_"And you think that's normal?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Honey...most people freak out just a little bit." _

_"Why does it even matter...you wanted me to convince her to get rid of it." _

_"Yes but-" _

_"No but...you got your wish. She isn't pregnant...so let's leave it alone." _

_"But-" _

_"Izzy...tell Gama...no." _

I couldn't hold back my laughter as Izzy looked over at Mom and shook his head.

_"No, Gama. Mama say no." _

Mom can't resist the kids.

So she held up her hands and nodded.

_"Okay, okay. I'll stop." _

_"Good. Gama, stop, Mama." _He said with a smile before he went back to eating his apple slice.

_"Thank you, Izzy."_

_"You welcome!"_

* * *

It wasn't enough.

The moment that I had put Izzy down for a nap, Mom started up again.

_"So will she get pregnant again soon?"_

_"Mom!"_ I snapped. _"Stop this." _

_"What?" _

She had her back to me as she stood in the kitchen of our apartment and washed the lunch dishes.

I could tell from the sound of her voice that she was determined to question me forever.

_"Please...what happens in my marriage is my business. I only told you about the miscarriage because it was necessary. I didn't think that you would spend this whole day obsessing over it."_

She sighed and turned around looked at me with a serious expression while I rocked Dani in my arms.

_"I am not obsessing. I just want to know if you will be able to have a say in being a parent for the third time. You had no say with either of these kids. I thought th-" _

I stood up and began to storm off with the baby when she grabbed my arm.

_"Let go."_

She knew the chill in my voice.

And back when I was off my meds, it would have been enough to get her to let go.

This time though...she held on with all her might and leaned in to my ear.

_"Brittany. You called me here. You wanted me here with you. Here I am. I just want to make sure you stay level and with Santana getting pregnant every time she breathes...I just want you to have a say." _

_"She does have a say."_

I froze and I looked over at my wife.

It was way too early for her to be done her tests.

But here she was, book bag hanging from her hands and a twisted up face.

This had always been a touchy subject for her.

_"Ana..."_

She shook her head as she came over and took Dani from my arms.

_"You can see your mother out while I put MY daughter down for her nap. Bye Susan."_

And just like that...the peaceful place that I had gotten Ana to, was gone.

Now I know how Ana feels with my timing.

It's annoying.

* * *

Even with her hurting Ana's feelings, my mom still made it a point not to leave right away.

She took her time finishing up the dishes before wiping down the counters.

Then she decided to use the bathroom before finally pulling me out into the hallway with her.

And while we stood by the elevator she looked me in my eyes and said what I had been dreading.

_"Listen to me. I know you, Brittany. I know how you let Santana's issues take place over yours. She has gone through countless things in the last few years and I feel just as bad about those things as you do...She loves you...anyone can see that. I just want you to have an equal say in your marriage. I know this last bit of time has been really rough for you...and I know that you have probably thought about hurting yourself...at least once. Just be honest with her...just as honest as you want her to be with you."_

I was crying now.

She was right.

I had thought about it.

But I hadn't done it.

I went right back onto my meds and saw my therapist.

Now I was level.

And I wasn't having those thoughts.

_"She's my wife. I support her...even when it hurts. I love her, Mom." _

_"I know. That's why I want you to see what happened last time. You felt overshadowed and you lashed out...you broke down and you put that girl in a coma. I know that you want to go to California and start over...again...and out there it will just be the four of you. No Quinn to call in the middle of the night...no Gladys to eat with her and counsel her while you work all night long. This is a big deal and you need to realize that out there, nobody will be able to save you from yourselves. Understand?"_

The elevator dinged and I nodded as I shoved cash into her hands for the cab.

She tried to give it back but I was faster.

And as the doors closed, leaving me in the hallway, I dropped to my knees and cried into my hands.

I just needed to get it together.

But how?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I had been standing in the doorway as Britt broke.

This was private moment and I didn't want to interrupt.

Because hadn't she...just that morning stood there and waited for me to finish crying?

So I did what I thought was best.

I quietly shut the door and headed over to my piano.

She could have her moment and I knew that when she was ready...she would come to me.

And we would talk.

Susan had said some things that struck a nerve with me and just from Britt's reaction, I could tell that she had hit the nail on the head.

Britt was holding back.

Because of me.

And even though I was completely pissed at my mother-in-law, I agreed with her when it came to Britt.

* * *

Things shouldn't be this way.

It's my fault.

I felt partially responsible.

I mean...really...what people say about you behind your back is none of your business.

Britt would have handled this.

I shouldn't be here.

Witnessing this.

My finals had been way too easy and I breezed through them in half of the provided time.

And then I waited as my professors graded them.

Three As.

I still had that touch.

My brain hadn't gone completely to mush.

I thought that maybe showing up at the apartment and taking a shower would be great before tracking down Britt.

They were supposed to be out shopping.

But when I heard them in the kitchen...I was going to sneak by...of course that was until Susan grabbed Britt.

At first, I hadn't been close enough to hear what Susan was saying but when I did...I couldn't help but react.

And maybe...I shouldn't have.

But everything happens like it's supposed to.

That I've learned.

* * *

I was halfway through my favorite Rondo when my phone began buzzing.

And even though I hadn't spoken to my mother in three days...I answered.

_"Bendicion, Mami." _

_"Dios te bendiga. Listen, I need to see you." _

_"Why?"_

_"There is something that we need to talk about." _

_"And you can't tell me over the phone...because?"_

_"This is only something to be discussed in person." _

_"No thanks, Mami. I would really rather not discuss anything serious with you. I just want to be hands off with everything, at least for the next few days." _

_"Well, unfortunately...with this...you are involved." _

_"The case? Is that what this is about?"_

_"Yes and no." _

_"What does that even mean?"_

_"Where are you?"_

_"New York." _

_"Don't be a smartass, Santana. This is serious!" _

_"Yes...I know...I'm in TriBeCa." _

_"I'm coming over." _

_"Uh...no...no your not. I can't deal with anything major today...okay?"_

_"You don't have a choice in this." _

_"The fuck I do! I am not talking about anything with you today. Entiendes? I'm not talking about the case, Pa, you and I...death, dying, pain, fear, rape...none of it. We are not talking about anything serious!" _

_"Fine...you pushed me...you remember that!" _

_"What?"_

_"You want to know now...fine."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

When I was a kid in Chicago...I used to go to baseball games all the time with my dad.

It was our favorite thing to do together.

He was this huge Cubs fan while I rooted for the White Sox.

It was cute the way he would leave a teddy bear on my bed with a cubs hat on...and me...I was simpler...I would replace all his nice black dress socks with white sweat socks.

The other thing that we always enjoyed was watching the Three Stooges.

It was so, so funny.

In one episode they were trying to balance plates on these poles.

And the second one of them would manage to get all the plates spinning, one of the other guys would come and knock them all down.

My life with Santana has been just like that.

Every time that we get those plates going...spinning and we are balancing them well, someone comes along and knocks them down.

I had just gotten up from my knees.

Finally feeling like I could go talk to Ana.

I knew that she had seen me there.

And I was grateful that she left me.

It gave me time to think.

Time to pray.

Time to figure out how to make this better.

But that didn't matter.

* * *

It didn't matter because as I stepped into the apartment,

And saw her kneeling there, pale face...shaking and clutching her phone in her hands.

I knew that all chances of a good conversation were washed away.

_"Ana?"_

She didn't move.

_"Ana Banana?"_

I knelt beside her and looked at her phone.

It was her mom...she was still on the line.

I peeled the phone out of her hands and put it to my ear.

_"Gladys?"_

_"Oh thank God...Brittany...is she okay?"_

_"Uh...I don't think so...what did you say to her?"_

_"It's confidential." _

_"Don't start this...Ma...please...tell me what you said." _

And she did.

This time I hung up the phone before I dropped it onto the floor.

Ana was rocking back and forth on her knees and crying really hard.

But the look on her face told me that she wasn't sad.

No...this was anger.

Rage.

And I didn't blame her one bit.

I was crying too as I pulled her into my arms.

_"It's going to be alright...I promise." _

_"You...can't promise me that." _

_"I can...I will make sure of it."_

She didn't say another word as she screamed into her hands.

I knew that it would wake the kids...but right now...what mattered more was that I kept my eyes on her.

Because this...was enough to send her off the deep end.

And I wouldn't see that happen.

Ever again!

* * *

**_A/N: Sending out lots of extra love! Be blessed! _**


	59. Chapter 59:Better Than I Used To Be

**A/N: This chapter...well...just read it, review it, enjoy it! :P Oh and by this point...you realize that my whole story is a big sore bruising trigger...right? So I don't have to say it, Right? **

* * *

**Chapter 59: Better Than I Used To Be (Tim McGraw)**

* * *

**_...but right now...what mattered more was that I kept my eyes on her._**

**_Because this...was enough to send her off the deep end._**

**_And I wouldn't see that happen._**

**_Ever again!_**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

A lot of my time with Marco had been incredibly painful and traumatizing but not all of it.

There were little pieces of him...little cracks of sweetness.

I had been sober for two whole days towards the end of that life changing summer.

I was set to leave for cheer camp in one week and Marco took off from work just to be with me.

He woke me up early each and every day and made me walk with him through Central Park.

He swapped out my cocaine for coffee and for those first two days he let me sleep alone.

I remember reading about Stockholm Syndrome in my AP Psych class and so I knew that when I crept to the living room and slept on the cold hard floor to be near Marco, that I had it.

I woke up the next morning back in bed alone.

He was sweet to me and had even told me stories about singing with his mother.

One of those days I had asked him to sing with me...and so he did.

His voice was beautiful and deep.

But I knew that he was still a monster.

He had been tainted by so many things that it would have been unfathomable for him to change so easily.

He still had a drug addiction the size of Russia and I knew that it bothered him to be so open with me.

But just for that week...he was everything that I needed.

What I remember most though, was the bliss of that last morning.

We were up really early and it was the first time that I had gotten up without threats of violence and without craving drugs.

Things were about to change and I needed to savor that sweetness.

Also, I wanted to know what it was to be in control of him for once.

And so I fucked him...hard and then after that we showered together.

I remember seeing him laugh really hard as he sang to me.

It was one of the few times that I saw that dimple just below his chin.

He rarely laughed naturally,

Everything with him was forced, much of his good nature was easily overshadowed...

By drugs.

Addiction...

And an extreme fear of failure.

* * *

My mind was recalling all of this as I sat looking at my baby girl.

She was all the good that existed in him.

It didn't matter to me that she was Marco's.

God had blessed me with such a beautiful little girl.

And it made me feel good that Britt didn't care either.

She was in Britt's arms laughing as she got tickled.

Her dimple was prominent and it sent a chill through me.

Thank God for her.

Britt looked at me and I could see her nerves were close to shattering.

She wanted badly to talk to me about that phone call but we decided that all talking would have to wait until the kids were in bed for the night.

And since it was only two, we had plenty of time.

* * *

_"Mami? Mami? You go? Mami!"_

I shook out of my thoughts when I looked at my son.

We were in the middle of taking turns on his little piano.

And he was trying to get my attention.

It was my turn.

_"No, you go ahead, Izzy."_

He looked at me with big eyes and then looked at his fingers.

He pointed to his chest and looked at me with so much conviction that it chilled me again.

_"You call me Papa. Not Izzy. I Papa."_

I was thrown off.

Did that really make a difference to him?

_"It's your special thing, Ana. He thinks that you are taking that from him." _Britt said before blowing raspberries on Daniela's cheeks again.

I nodded and held my arms open.

_"Come here, Papa."_

My son smiled really wide and jumped to his feet.

_"Yay, I Papa!"_

He clapped as he ran into my arms.

My baby boy.

So much had happened in his short life and I didn't want him to have more thrown at him.

I wanted his happiness.

I wanted both of them to grow up strong and blessed.

I wanted everything for them.

His joy.

Her joy.

And both of their safety.

Now more than ever, we needed to be 3000 miles away.

I couldn't wait to leave.

* * *

**_Hey...can I call you?-Arita_**

I looked down at my phone as I sat curled up on the couch.

Britt was humming to herself as she pushed all the furniture out of her way and began dancing around with the kids.

She was trying to cheer me up and I was just kind of watching.

Dancing wasn't going to do it for me.

Maybe this was for her.

This hadn't been the best day for her either.

_**Yea.-Ana**_

_"Mami, you sick?"_

_"No, Papa...my head hurts." _

_"I lay with you?"_

_"Okay." _

I scooted back and pulled my son onto the couch in front of me.

It was good to just lay there holding him.

Being like this with our kids was definitely something that we needed to do more.

My head was all over the place, once again but I was trying my best to just push through it all.

My phone buzzed and a picture of Ari kissing Daniela came up.

It made me smile since I was pretty sure that she had stolen my phone and put that there.

_"Hey, Arita." _

_"So...news."_ She said in a rushed voice.

_"News?"_ I tried not to freak out as I looked over at Britt.

She hesitated and I just held up my finger.

We didn't break eye contact.

_"I um...I had blood work done...and uh...there are no Cancer cells...like at all." _

_"You mean...it's just..."_

_"Gone." _

_"That's like a..." _

_"Miracle...I know. Gloria keeps going on and on about the power of prayer. I don't know...what else could it be? Does Cancer just disappear like this?"_

_"You would know more than me, Arita...but this is great." _

_"I know...I just...I'm kind of freaked out." _

_"I get that." _

_"I feel like I should just fall to my knees..." _

_"Then you should." _

_"I will...I just...really...I just want to pick up that baby of yours and squeeze her."_

_"Yea?"_

_"You acknowledging her as Marco's...I don't know...I realized that she is my blood and I couldn't just leave her. I prayed so fucking hard, Anita. I have fought so hard and just like that...gone." _

_"Wow." _

_"Oh...the doctors are back to do more tests...I'll see you later...mass?"_

_"Yea...definitely." _

_"Great. I love you, Anita. Tell B that I love her too...and the kids...big kisses from Titi...okay?"_

_"You got it. I love you too."_

I laid there holding my son and looking at my wife with wide eyes.

She looked back at me and smiled.

This was great news.

* * *

_"So it's gone?"_

I nodded.

_"That's great." _

I nodded.

_"I think you need to get it out."_

I looked up at her in confusion.

_"Huh?"_

_"The rain stopped...I'm going to go talk to your mom, I'll take the kids. I think that...maybe Gladys needs some support right now and you can't be that. You are feeling way too much. I think I'm going to bring her back here...we could have dinner...all of us...maybe my parents...and even Hector?"_

I shifted Isaac and sat up.

This just all seemed to come out of nowhere.

_"Why do you want to do all that, B?"_

_"Because...I need air and you need to get all that out. So I'm going to give you something...I was going to hold onto it until your birthday...but you need it now."_

I watched as she walked over to her desk that sat on the side.

It was virtually untouched and now that I think about it, a great place to hide my birthday gift.

She came back to me with a book.

_"What's this?"_

_"While you were in that mini coma...I read all of Henry and I made notes and added some happy thoughts. I saw you filled him completely, so I had him made even bigger. Now you can use him...he helps you. And well...you need to really talk to Gladys and I really need to talk to my mom and to Hector. They need to see you and me on the same page. They are worried that we can't do things on our own...but I know that we can. So now...I'm going to take control of all this craziness. We are going to have dinner together and they are going to see that you and I...can do things."_

_"Why now?"_

_"Because...you just found out something pretty big...and I could tell that Gladys didn't tell you everything. Today that ends."_

_"B...I don't think my mom is going to agree to spilling her guts to me...after all these years of family secrets...what makes you think a simple family dinner is going to fix things?"_

_"Because...she needs you...she needs us and these last few days of her being cut off from you is killing her. Just trust me...she is going to open up to you...after I'm done talking to her." _

_"B...I do-"_

She knelt in front of me, placing the book down next to me.

Isaac was curled against me and gripping my shirt.

Daniela stood there in front of Britt as she crouched down.

Once Britt touched me, we were a circle.

_"Listen to me...this right here...the four of us...we are a family. Nothing...is going to change that. I will fight for you and you will fight for me and together we will fight for them." _She looked at the kids and then back at me_. "Gladys taught me the importance of family and your sisters taught me how you don't act in tough situations. This trial is going to be hard and we need to stick together. I promised you that I was going to make it alright...that I was going to make things okay. I need you to believe that, believe in us." _

_"Okay." _

_"Do you believe that I can do this?"_

_"Yes." _

And I did.

* * *

_**Dear Henry,**_

_**I missed you like crazy!**_

_**Britt had you put into a bigger book and just gave you back. **_

_**So here I am...all alone in this apartment, thinking about how my father was stolen from me. **_

_**We had just been getting our relationship to a healthy place and he had just stopped drinking. **_

_**For years, I prayed so hard for him to get himself together, for him to just be my Papi. **_

_**What I don't get though is why?**_

_**Why would Dr. Cray go out of his way to kill my father?**_

_**I feel like there is just so much that I don't know. **_

_**The more I think about what Britt said to me earlier about being united with my mom, I agree. **_

_**I'm sure that there are things that she hasn't told me about my father. **_

_**I suffered for years. **_

_**No teenager should be put through so much, it's really no surprise that I ended up addicted to drugs and sex. **_

_**There was no way for me to come out of this unscathed and I get that.**_

_**I refuse to be HIS victim. **_

_**So even though, I'm annoyed as all fuck at Padrino and at Susan...and even at Mami...I know that I need that support. **_

_**I need to know that they are standing with me...so that I can stand in that court room and say what I need to say. **_

_**By any means necessary, that asshole is going to pay for what he did. **_

_**-Santana**_

* * *

I put the book down after scribbling furiously.

My anger was piquing.

I knew that I needed to calm down.

The last 24 hours had been really hard for me.

I was in between tears and anger and because I was alone...I wasn't afraid to hold back.

Then it came.

Fucking tremors.

The scrapping of the chair across the kitchen floor as I stood grated my nerves.

How had I gotten to such a place of rage?

I had to get it under control.

And so right there, in my kitchen...I did something that I hadn't done in a while.

At least, not outside of church.

I dropped to my knees.

_"Father...give me strength. Please. Lord God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I am feeling so unhinged. I'm scared. I'm sooo scared and I need you. Please? Help me? Guide me? Please?"_

I rested my head on the seat of the chair and just kept praying.

Kept asking for help.

Over and over again.

The tremors continued and so did I.

I prayed and I pleaded.

Until finally...they stopped.

_"Thank you."_ I whispered repeatedly.

Normally that would have been enough for me.

But I didn't move.

Even though my phone was ringing and the doorbell was going, I refused to move.

I didn't trust my feet to keep me inside the apartment.

I didn't trust my voice not to call out to an old dealer.

I didn't trust my hands to be steady.

So I kept praying and pleading.

For peace.

To be guided.

For closure.

For understanding.

I prayed.

I prayed.

I prayed.

And I gave in.

I gave praise.

I gave thanks.

Because with each utterance, I felt my faith coming back to me.

* * *

I don't know when I fell asleep or how long I had been there,

I'm pretty sure that it was needed since I had just had a miscarriage not even a full day before.

As a matter of fact, I should have gone to see Dr. Cabot but for some reason, I forgot.

When I woke up, it was to the silence of my bedroom with a small body pressed against me.

I took a second to enjoy the peacefulness of that moment before forcing my eyes open.

I took a deep breath and knew immediately which of my children this was.

Daniela.

When I opened my eyes, I wasn't expecting to see her eyes open.

But there they were the darkest blue.

Staring at me, waiting for me to open my eyes.

_"Mami?"_ She giggled before flipping on her back and clapping. _"Up, Mami." _

I couldn't help my smile as I watched her face.

She was so happy.

It was like God was saying...here is peace.

Here is love.

Here is the serenity, the courage and the wisdom that you prayed for.

My heart melted as I took her in.

Daniela Amaris was twenty pounds of giggles and sunshine.

She was not just the good in Marco but the good in me too, with a giant splash of Britt.

She was my blessing.

And I was so grateful.

* * *

_"Come here, Mamita." _

_"Mami, up?"_

I smiled and stood from the bed.

She crawled over to the edge and then held her arms out to me.

I picked her up and swung her around.

She squealed and clapped as the room went by her so fast that her eyes looked like ping pong balls.

I stopped when I got dizzy and began to cover her face in kisses.

It was good to be alive.

To be sober and to be with my daughter.

God was shining on me.

I was getting better.

Stronger.

And for once, I was proud of myself.

Happy with myself.

I just hoped that the feeling lasted.

* * *

Of all the noises that I expected when I walked out of my bedroom, laughter was probably the last.

What was even more shocking was that it was coming from Pa and Britt...together.

She had on the radio and was showing him some dance moves.

It was a simple cha cha but for him...a man that only dances bachata...it was a stretch.

_"Go Mama, go Mama!"_ Isaac squealed from Mami's lap.

Daniela let out a loud shriek and everyone turned towards us.

_"Remind me not to rob a bank with you._" I said to the baby before walking into the living room and dropping down on the couch between my mother and Susan.

I didn't waste time leaning over to my mother and kissing her cheek before handing the baby off to Susan.

_"Would you mind holding her? I really need to use the bathroom and I didn't want to leave her in the room by herself?" _

This was a test.

And I think that Susan knew it because she happily took the baby and smiled at me.

Okay...she definitely knows how to call my bluff.

Fine.

But that didn't mean that she and I were okay.

Not one bit.

I didn't want to hold a grudge...and I'm sure that it was the last thing that I needed to do...which is why walking away in that moment was the smart thing to do.

The grown up thing to do.

So I smiled back and then headed back to the room.

I was learning.

* * *

So I pushed it off all day long,

Which was stupid.

I should have done something sooner...

Old habits of self neglect are still there and it will take time for me to get myself completely together.

But I know that I will get there.

It hurt.

Like hell.

All day it had been kind of numb but now...it as unbearable.

I sat there on the toilet clutching my stomach as it cramped up...I had, had enough.

This bleeding was still going...still heavy...still painful.

But the hospital was the last place that I wanted to be.

**_Need advice-Ana_**

**_What's up?-Mari_**

**_Um...call me?-Ana_**

**_Give me five mins.-Mari_**

Waiting for my sister to call me was the longest five minutes of my life.

I was literally watching blood pour from my body in clumps.

It made me nauseous.

But I just closed my eyes eventually and took deep breaths.

When my phone buzzed, I nearly dropped it in my haste to answer it.

Get it together, Lopez.

* * *

_"Hey...thank you for calling me." _

_"Is everything okay?"_

_"This morning...I uh...lost the baby." _

_"God, are you okay? Did you go to the hospital?"_

_"No."_ I whined out as a cramp hit me.

_"Santana! Seriously...mama you need to see a doctor." _

_"I'm talking to you." _

_"Yes...I get that...you know what...shit you get lucky. I'm out to an early dinner with Sarah...we can come to you." _

_"Sarah?"_

Who the fuck was that?

_"Dr. Cabot." _

Oh.

_"Can you? I'm at my apartment."_

_"Okay...hold on she wants to talk to you." _

I took a deep breath as the phone rustled.

She was right...this was pure luck.

I didn't even know that they were friends.

_"Santana? It's Dr. Cabot...where are you?"_

_"Sitting on the toilet."_ I whispered as another clump dropped.

_"Where's Brittany?"_

_"In the living room with our parents and the kids...I don't want them to freak out." _

_"Too late...your sister is calling her right now...in the mean time...I need you to stay where you are until Brittany comes to you." _

_"Um...okay...am I going to have to go to the hospital?"_

_"There is really nothing that they can do...but I'll will let you know when I get there...we are on our way. Just hang tight." _

_"Okay."_

* * *

So much for discretion.

Britt and both of our mothers came rushing into the bathroom a few seconds later.

I had my head hung over, looking into the red water with my hands fisted on top of my bouncing knees.

It hurt so badly.

They were shuffling around, one person was filling the tub up...Susan.

Another was undressing me...Britt and then there was the one crying...Mami.

This was what I neglected to tell her on the phone when she had called.

Miscarriages was the story of her twenties and thirties and so this hit her hard.

I raised up my head and met her eyes.

She was standing over me with a damp face.

_"Mi hija...why didn't you say...if I had known...this could have waited." _

_"It's over, Mami." _

_"Not like this...you shouldn't have to go through this again." _

I felt weak.

And tired.

My eyes were heavy.

It was cold.

So, so cold.

* * *

_"So?"_

I had been poked and prodded by Dr. Cabot for almost a half hour before she finally made me climb into the tub.

Saltwater and witch hazel.

The sting of the water and the ache in my body coincided, leaving me with a feeling of utter exhaustion.

Mari had forced pills down my throat and so I was hoping that some of the pain would abate, even if I hated taking pills...I couldn't deny how much they help in extreme situations.

Britt sat, holding tightly to my hand as she perched on the edge of the tub and looked at Dr. Cabot nervously.

My amazing doctor had thankfully kicked both of our mothers out of the room, telling them to take care of the kids...so it was just us, Mari and the doctor.

I was insanely grateful for that since I had been feeling way too exposed today.

I really just wanted this to be over with.

The whole situation had been screwed up but I wasn't going to love this baby any less.

But God had intervened and I'm sure the prayers of everyone around me had something to do with it.

Nobody really supported this baby...and even I had second guessed it...but if it was God's will, I would have made everyone embrace it.

Now though, that didn't need to happen.

So now, I just wanted to put it behind me.

I had other things waiting to distract me.

Good things like Ari's non-Cancer status and bad things like the information about my father's death.

Now, I just needed the go ahead from my doctor that I could act like nothing had happened.

Of course...Dr. Cabot has always been a bit of a rebel.

_"Yep! Definitely a miscarriage, so that sucks but that's done with...what concerns me is that you also have a little tearing in spots where you had stitches. Nothing major, no signs of infection...however...Santana that does not mean that you can go off and have tons of sex with your hot wife or that you can start running again. You need to take it easy, start living with less stress." _I took a deep breath as Britt squeezed my hand and Dr. Cabot winked._ "Of course...since drama follows you and stress seems to be a daily hazard of living, lets just take things one day at a time. This bath should help, I'm prescribing you some antibiotics and a stronger dose of ibuprofen. How's that sound?"_

_"Okay, I guess...is anything else that I should or shouldn't do?"_

_"Just take it easy Santana. I know how hard that is for you but it's really important. Your body has gone through a severe trauma which I am willing to bet had an effect on the pregnancy. You are still healing. So please...get plenty of rest and drink lots of clear fluids. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"And Brittany, if by tomorrow afternoon she is still cramping and the bleeding hasn't tapered off, you are to get her straight to the emergency room. Got it?"_

_"Yes, absolutely." _Britt said, looking relieved that she had an assignment.

With the way that things were constantly happening with me, it was easy for her to feel helpless.

Unfortunately for me...this meant that she would be hovering even more.

_"Good, now I need to get back to the hospital but I will call and check in on you."_

_"Thank you for everything...especially for coming here like this...I really appreciate it."_

_"I'm glad that you had the sense to call."_

So was I.

* * *

It felt much later than it actually was.

It was almost six, two hours from the kids' bedtime.

Britt had seemed like she was just barely hanging on to all the things that she wanted to say.

I could see the worry all over her face.

And I'm sure she saw it on me too.

When I stepped back out into the living room, I saw that the sun was only just starting to set.

My stomach growled as I made my way into the kitchen.

Mami was in the middle of a serious discussion with Susan, so I made my presence known.

_"Hey." _I said as I slid into one of the comfy kitchen chairs and scooted closer to my baby girl who was currently eating some kind of cookie.

She smiled at me and touched my face as I leaned in to kiss her.

_"Mami...kiki!" _She said as she offered me her soggy cookie.

I felt my stomach turn but I still leaned in and pretended to take a bite. I was over exaggerated as I rubbed my stomach.

_"Like?" _

_"So yummy! I like. Thank you baby!" _I said before kissing her cheeks.

She looked really proud of herself for sharing.

I had been trying to get her through the hitting, a lot had to do with her doing it instead of talking.

Which she is getting really good at.

Daniela was really advanced for 16 months and I was trying to teach her to use her words.

Sharing was a big deal and it made me happy that she was learning.

When I sat back up, I realized that the kitchen had gotten quiet.

When I looked up Britt and our mothers were all standing there with these sappy faces.

_"What?"_ I snapped even though I had a smile on my face.

_"I take it all back...you are so great with her, Santana."_

I should have been annoyed by her word choice but I chose to ignore it.

But Britt couldn't ignore it.

_"Last warning, Mom."_

Susan looked at Britt and then mouthed an apology before excusing herself from the room.

Mami looked clueless even though I was pretty sure that she wasn't.

She and Susan were close and from the way they looked when I walked into the kitchen...Mami had said her piece.

* * *

_"Everyone already ate...Rob and Hector decided to go to some bar to watch some game. So it's just us. Are you up for talking?"_

Britt had turned her back as she prepared my plate but I could tell that she was paying complete attention.

Today had been tough.

But I wanted to know everything.

If Mami knew more than she was telling, I felt like I needed to be aware of it.

_"Are you willing to tell me everything? I want to know where this information came from. How it was set up...and why you are so calm about it? I mean some asshole killed your husband...the man that you loved...why do you seem so...relieved?"_

Before Mami could respond, Daniela started crying.

I turned to her and could see that she had dropped her cookie.

Her whole face was red and I could see that she was having a problem keeping her eyes open.

Britt stepped in.

_"The kids need to get their baths...Ma do you think that you can help me get them in bed? Ana...you look like you are in pain...why don't you go with my mom and grab your prescriptions. I think that if we are going to have a deep conversation...then we should make sure that we can talk without interruption...don't you think?"_

Mami nodded and stood from the table.

She looked a little too happy to get out of this conversation at the moment.

But Britt was right...with the kids awake and me feeling like I was going to pass out from the pain, I was setting myself up to deal with whatever Mami was going to say in the worst possible way.

Britt was reminding me of that united front...and I think I was finally seeing how that could be possible.

And I'm the smart one?

* * *

Driving in New York City is something that I generally like to avoid...especially at rush hour.

Britt though...really wanted me to talk to her mom.

Before we left, B insisted that I drive to the pharmacy with her mom in tow and talk out whatever the hell was up with Susan.

Frankly, if my mother-in-law was comfortable with the stick up her own ass...why should I even bother?

But Britt extended my deadline for the punishment...she tacked on an extra day just to entice me.

So I gave in.

Now here I am...sitting next to an annoyed blonde as I pull out into the worst traffic jam ever.

This was not going to be a quick trip.

And from the looks of it, Susan was just as irritated as I was.

The stick must have pushed up extra far.

_"I don't see why Brittany insisted that I come with you."_

I sighed and inched into the street...a part of me was tempted to back up into the parking garage and call a cab...but Britt never did things like this without thinking first.

She knew what time it was...

She knew that neither me or her mother could stay quiet.

And she knew that once I pulled out of the garage that I would have to go around the block to get back in.

Fucking genius of her...

I was going to fuck her extra hard later just to show her how much I appreciated it.

Leave it to me to think of my wife, squirming and moaning while I was sitting next to her mother.

What better way to distract myself?

Of course, the smirk on my face obviously made her even more upset...that and the fact that I clearly ignored her statement a few moments before.

_**Bluetooth connected...call from B.**_

Her and her timing.

I swear between her and my ex husband...there has to be a tracking device with a camera in my brain.

Or am I just that predictable?

* * *

_"Hey, B." _

_"Hi guys! I just wanted to check on your progress...where are you?"_

_"Ha! We aren't even fully into the street yet...I think there was an accident or something."_

_"Oh...and you can't back up?"_

I looked in my rearview and saw that there were a line of cars behind me.

_"Nope...it's fine...Susan and I were just about to have a heart to heart."_

Susan glared at me and I smiled back.

_"Oh...well I will leave you to it..."_

_"Hey B, is everything alright?"_

_"Yea...Izzy is just insisting that he wants to wait for you...Dani though is already half asleep...your mom is giving her a bath now."_

_"Well...I have a final in the morning and so you will have to deal with him if he's up early...if he stays up now then he will sleep in tomorrow and I can probably be back before he even wakes up." _

_"You are so right...I guess I can distract him for a bit until you get here. Hey and can you pick up some apple juice and those baby cookies?"_

_"No problem...I'll call you when we get to the store, just in case you think of anything else." _

_"Oh...sounds great! Love you guys...bye!"_

* * *

I hung up the call and eased into the street.

Success!

Now we were fully in the traffic!

_"Ugh."_

Just ignore it...she's just readjusting the stick.

_"You okay, Susan?"_

Why did I ask...right...united front.

_"No...frankly...I'm quite irritated with everything that is going on here. If I had known the extent of the change the Brittany has gone through...how much you have walked all over her...I would have flown out to New York much sooner." _

_"Yea?"_ I nodded as I took in what she had said.

Be cool, Lopez.

_"Yes and furthermore...where do you get off making decisions for the both of you? My daughter has sacrificed so much for you...has screwed up so much! I wish that I had convinced her to go on that tour...if only!"_

_"You know what...I'm trying so hard to get where all this animosity is coming from. I get that you are upset...I get that you think that Britt isn't taking care of herself...but why are you blaming me for things that are well out of my control?"_

_"Because...you promised me...when you started dating my daughter...you promised me that you would take care of her."_

My heart stopped.

Hadn't I been doing that?

_"I...I take care of her." _

_"Really? Can you tell me the last time that you have made sure she took her medicine? Have you talked to her about the cutting? Ever? Do you even know that she has been talking to that loser that got her pregnant? How about her calling me crying...and do you know why she cries? Because of you...it's always because of you! Why can't you just be normal? Why can't you be that strong, independent girl that I met...the one that came to my house and swore to me that she would stand by my daughter through every decision? You push her...but do you comfort her? Hold her? Anything?"_

_"Susan...I-" _

_"No!"_

I looked at her and could see that she was crying.

God...it was worse than seeing Britt cry.

I put my hand on her arm and began to rub it and she just dissolved even further into tears.

_"Susan...please...listen to me?"_

She nodded and took a deep breath.

_"Tell me...that this is it...that after this trial...this is the end of the drama...tell me that you will go to California and become normal...that you will be stable. Tell me that I won't have to worry about her. Because all the money and the houses in the world isn't going to reassure me that my daughter won't end up killing herself."_

_"Britt would neve-" _

She cut me off again.

_"She has. Brittany has tried to kill herself twice. Once when she found out about you cheating on her with Marco...and a second time right after she put you in that coma...she told you. I know you knew about that one." _

I did.

I just forgot.

How could I forget?

_"I love her and I want her to be happy, Susan. I want to be better." _

_"I just don't trust her with you anymore. I don't trust that you have my daughter's best interest in mind...or at heart!"_

_"But I do. I love her more than my own life!" _

_"And that's the problem." _

_"What?"_

I pulled over in front of the pharmacy and parked.

This conversation was really shaking me to my core and was making me see the things that I hadn't.

Britt was feeling lost...that had been the reason she cried in that hallway.

Stuck between her needs and mine.

In control and losing control.

I had failed her.

_"You are Brittany's life and if you aren't living to be the best that you can be...if your life isn't worth anything to you...how can you expect her to feel the same about her own?"_

Susan didn't give me a chance to answer as she stepped out of the car and went storming into the store.

The stick in her ass was justifiable.

I had fucked up and instead of being a pitiful lump and wallowing in how upset I was now...I was determined to live up to my promise.

Britt had been right...we needed to be a united front.

I needed to fight for her.

Those words had slipped by me earlier.

But now I was hearing them again.

And I finally understood.

* * *

The drive back had been quiet.

And thankfully the traffic had let up.

We were almost back and because her words had immediately struck a nerve with me, I was thinking hard.

Finally as we were headed back into the parking garage, I was ready to respond.

_"I agree with you. I haven't lived up to my word and I need you to know that I am beyond sorry for it. Britt deserves better and even though, I'm sure that my promises don't really mean much to you right now...I need you to know that I am determined to set things right. I just need you to understand the daughter that you raised. The daughter that used to have violent tendencies and who put me in that coma...that shaped the way that I am with her now in comparison to before."_ I took a deep breath as I subconsciously ran my fingers over my neck. _"She has come a mighty long way and now...your little Brittany is a woman...she is confident. She is smart and in control. She makes her own decisions and still found a way to follow her dreams. She is a warrior. I was shocked when she came after me and proposed to me and then when she set up our wedding, I was in awe of her. She is stronger than you give her credit for, she felt like she was becoming angry again and she put herself back on the meds. She knows what she wants and she goes for it. When I pushed her to her limits, she broke up with me. She broke up with me...the woman she loves. When I first met her...she never would have been able to do that. She stands up for herself every chance she gets and she has learned to call me on my shit. So while I have made her life hell...she has also grown from it. I'm proud of the woman that she is. I am proud to be her wife and I will do everything in my power to honor her faith in me. I love her and I promise you that from here on out...you will see the dedication that I bring to this marriage." _

_"Spoken like a Lopez."_

At first I thought it was a bitter statement but as I parked and then looked over at her, I could see that she was smiling.

I had said the right things.

I had owned up to my shit and I was making her see her own.

Brittany wasn't a kid anymore.

She wasn't stupid and she wasn't being stepped on.

_"I mean it. I'm going to clean up my act and I promise you...the next pregnancy will be on her call. In the mean time...it really hurts her when you make it a point to remind her that those kids aren't her blood. She loves them...they are hers...legally and in every way that counts. They love her and honestly...without them...getting through that abortion would probably not have happened. It would have killed her. Every time you say things...take jabs at me...it reminds her of what she lost. So please...if you want to take jabs at me...call me on my shit...please don't do it in front of her or to her."_

Susan nodded and smiled.

I could see the hurt in her eyes.

_"I was out of line...I'm sorry. It won't happen again." _

_"Thank you." _

_"Thank you." _

_"Can we hug now...I miss the care free relationship that we always had?"_

I held my arms open and pouted and that big Brittany smile came through.

And just like that...that animosity was gone.

Britt's plan had worked.

She is a motherfucking boss!

And I was going to start acting like it!

* * *

_"Mami, Mami!"_

I had been inside the apartment for like two seconds before Isaac was running towards me.

Britt and Mami sat on the couch looking like they had been having an intense discussion, themselves.

And with Britt...I didn't doubt it.

She had promised to set everything right and to be more united so this was probably all a part of her master plan.

_"Hi, Papa! Is that the new pajama you got from Titi?"_

He was getting into superheroes lately because of Xavier and Tito, so Sandra had bought him a bunch of Batman stuff.

_"Yes...see Batman, Mami?" _

I lifted him up slowly and patiently nodded while he rambled on and on about his pajamas.

_"Very nice...want to watch it?"_

_"Yay! Mama, Mami say I can watch it!" _

Brittany smiled as she pulled her laptop onto the coffee table and set up the dvd.

She had been prepared.

Of course.

* * *

Isaac was cuddling between me and Britt on the couch with Britt's big Beats on.

She wanted to make sure that he couldn't hear the conversation.

Susan had decided that she was really just too tired to talk so she ended up heading back to her hotel.

Now it was just us and Mami, which is really what I preferred.

I was ready to talk things out and after our deep discussion earlier, Susan really shouldn't be a part of this.

Not if she doesn't want to be a part of the Lopez family drama.

So we settled in, Mami made us coffee and Isaac was blissfully unaware of anything but his new favorite crime fighter.

_"So Ana, while you were out Gladys...well...Ma told me that she wasn't even supposed to know any of this...that Gloria told her. Apparently...the witness contacted her and let some things slip. So that you two wouldn't be caught off guard." _

_"Gloria? Ari's Gloria?"_

Mami looked at me and I could see the tears in her eyes as she nodded.

_"Mami...please...if he sees you crying, he's going to cry."_

She nodded and cleared her throat before dropping her head.

Even though Isaac couldn't hear her, she was speaking in a whisper.

_"There is a witness that provided evidence of Aden's involvement in the creation of some of those drugs that were tested on you."_

My jaw dropped as I looked at my mother.

My father...no...that just didn't seem possible.

_"That's just...crazy...so what Papi cleans up his act and gets killed?"_

Mami raised her head and looked at me with watery eyes.

Britt sat forward, blocking Isaac's view of his crying Beya and put her hand on Mami's.

_"Its okay, Ma...Aden...he was still a good man."_

Wrong.

Things were starting to click in my head.

So much was connected.

Papi was a professor at Columbia...Dr. Cray had taught at Columbia longer than I had been alive...

Which means that Papi knew him and if Papi was involved with his dealings...then Papi was in deep shit.

_"He died because of me...didn't he?"_ I said looking at Mami.

She brushed her hands over her face and then began to cry into her them.

_"Babe...Ana...that doesn't make any sense." _

_"My father...he promised to fix things just before he died, he said he was going to make things up to me. He had to have confronted Dr. Cray. Think about it, B. Why else would that asshole kill my father...what did he have to gain unless my father threatened to expose him?"_

_"Enough!" _

I looked at Mami in shock as she stood to her feet and took a few deep breaths.

_"Regardless of the reason...your father is dead...but that isn't what I need to tell you." _

_"What then?"_

_"The FBI has most of the witnesses in safe houses. You...were the only one they left alone...I don't know the reason...Gloria didn't say but the witness that told her all this...matters." _

_"Why? Who is it?"_

_"Marco."_

* * *

_**A/N: Did you see that coming?** _


	60. Chapter 60:Rage Over A Lost Penny

**A/N: This is Ana's go to Rondo...it was the first thing she memorized and it's complicated just like her life! :) Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 60: Rage Over a Lost Penny (Beethoven)**

* * *

**_"Regardless of the reason...your father is dead...but that isn't what I need to tell you." _**

**_"What then?"_**

**_"The FBI has most of the witnesses in safe houses. You...were the only one they left alone...I don't know the reason...Gloria didn't say but the witness that told her all this...matters." _**

**_"Why? Who is it?"_**

**_"Marco."_**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The words kept playing in my mind, over and over again.

_"Regardless of the reason...your father is dead...but that isn't what I need to tell you." _

_"What then?"_

_"The FBI has most of the witnesses in safe houses. You...were the only one they left alone...I don't know the reason...Gloria didn't say but the witness that told her all this...matters." _

_"Why? Who is it?"_

_"Marco."_

_"Marco Vega? My deceased ex-husband? Mami that's not possible...he killed himself remember?"_

_"I don't know the reason...you can ask him yourself...apparently he really wants to talk to you. I would suggest that you don't go alone...even though he's...changed." _

_"Wait...just...hold on a minute...so Marco is really fucking alive?" _

In all of my shock and movement apparently I had knocked Isaac's headphones off.

_"Mami, you say bad word." _

I looked at my son and then my reflexes kicked in.

This was too much to deal with.

So, fuck it, I wouldn't deal.

_"Okay, Papa, I'm sorry. Let's get you in bed."  
_

_"No...I see Batman." _

_"Bed...Batman tomorrow." _

_"No." _

_"Bed...now, go say goodnight to Beya." _

He attempted to pout but I just stared him down until he finally uncrossed his arms and nodded.

I helped him down onto the floor and waited for him to make his way over to Mami.

_"Okay...night night, Beya. Beso?"_

In the meantime, I sat there shaking like a fucking leaf.

This was just impossible.

A dead Marco, I could forgive and exalt into being _'not so bad'_ but the real, eating, breathing, shitting, Marco Ernesto Vega Soto...well that was just not something I was ready to deal with.

I needed to direct my attention towards my son.

My sanity.

As far as I was concerned,

Everything and everyone else needed to wait a fucking minute.

* * *

As I stood in Isaac's room watching him sleep about ten minutes later, I found myself wishing that he had put up more of a fight.

But no...after I brushed his teeth and he went to the bathroom...he stumbled his way straight to bed without complaint.

And of course, the moment that his head hit the pillow, he was completely knocked out.

Just great!

I tucked the blanket around my son and kissed his sweet little face before taking a step back.

I just couldn't stop shaking.

But as if God was allowing me another minute to gather myself, in the next moment I heard a soft cry.

Daniela.

Marco's daughter...

Shit.

How was I going to even deal with that?

How was I going to walk the fine line between Marco and Britt?

I made my way across the hall and was met by Britt.

She was standing by the baby's crib and brushing her fingers through her hair.

It was the sure-fire way to get Daniela back to sleep.

The look in Britt's eyes told me everything that I needed to know.

_"She will always be yours, B."_

She hadn't seen me standing there.

When she turned to look at me her nose was red and her eyes were full of tears.

_"I'm scared."_ She whispered before turning back to the baby.

I put my hand on her back and rested my head against her shoulder.

_"We are a family, B...you fight for me and I fight for you...together we fight for them. She is yours."_

_"I know that and you know that...but this isn't Ian we are dealing with."_

She turned and put her hands on my shoulders.

Her eyes looked haunted as she examined my face,

She gripped me as if this was the last time she would be able to touch and tried to smile.

But it fell as she bit hard on her lip.

_"Britt...you adopted her...she is legally yours. You are her Mama. Don't let anyone tell you differently."_

She nodded and when I opened my arms to her, she fell into them.

I stood there with Britt crying into my neck while I stared down at my baby girl.

I was just as worried about Marco's possible motives as Britt was.

He wanted to talk to me...to see me.

And I would not do it alone.

* * *

_"Do you want to talk about anything or do you just want to head to bed?"_ Britt asked as we closed the baby's door and stepped into the hall.

_"Honestly, B...talking sounds good but I just don't think I can handle anymore of it today. I have a final tomorrow morning...I need to clear my head. Do you mind if I just play for you?"_

I was hovering by my piano and running my fingers over it as she stood just behind me.

_"Want to play what you have so far...I know you played all night last night." _

_"I did...but right now...I just...want to play something fun...like Chopsticks." _

_"Chopsticks?"_

_"It's fun...come sit with me...I'll teach you."_

I spent the next hour teaching Britt how to play the easier part of the song.

She smiled really wide as I played the harder part and then she challenged me to make it my own.

So I did...of course...it was kind of cheating because Quinn and I had been changing the chords to Chopsticks for years.

But it made her smile.

For just that little bit of time, it made her forget.

And it helped me to think through things.

One of my primary concerns were Marco's intentions.

Would he fight for Daniela...would he make my life hell again?

What was his angle?

Mami said he changed but that was with hesitation.

How much could he have changed in a year?

Where had he been?

What else did he know?

The questions were just brimming over but on the outside, I stayed calm.

Britt needed me right now and so all the questions could wait.

* * *

Human Rights.

Dr. Cray had once pointed out how ironic it was that I wanted to delve into Human Rights...that I, as a high-class prostitute, I should not be leaning toward Public Interest.

He saw my thirst for knowledge as trite and convoluted.

My mother was a defense attorney and I had seen the mark it made on her.

She was hard and cold.

It wasn't until all my bullshit that she softened a little but by that point...it was too late for me.

I still walk a fine line with her.

For me, it was an interest in helping people like me...after the criminal cases are done...who is there to help these kids.

So maybe law was a backup...maybe social work was my thing, all I knew was that people like me...guys like Ian...they need an advocate.

It would never be about winning cases if the person ended up putting a gun to their chest.

Too much silence existed.

His mistreatment of me...his failure as a human being as a whole, just proved my point.

Now as I sit staring down at the essay portion of my Human Right final...with a question on the effects of rape...I feel empowered.

The professor had warned me before I sat the test that she hadn't altered it and asked if I wanted her to...but I told her not to.

If I ever decided to deal with Public Interest or go into social justice, I would deal with these things every day.

The way that I saw it, thanks in part to both Britt and Amy, was that I could either be an eternal victim and get sad every time the word rape is mentioned or I can be a champion survivor.

I had been raped and beaten more than I liked to think about but it didn't define me.

This essay was about opinions, it was asking for the test taker to delve into their organic self and give an honest answer on the public demoralization of the victim.

Was it deserved?

Who's to blame?

Do victims seek out abusive relationships?

If pleasure is felt...is it justifiably rape?

I mean this professor was really hitting this issue hard and I was grateful for it.

In fact, I was so grateful that as I handed the test back to her, I asked for a copy.

The questions were thought provoking and I really wanted to take them back to Amy.

I really wanted to talk to her about how I felt about them.

For the first time, I wanted to openly acknowledge what had happened to me...

Because if I was going to stand in that court room and testify...if I was ever going to start to forgive Marco and have a civil relationship with him, then I needed to be able to deal with the heart of who I had become as a result of abuse.

My rapes didn't define me but they did shape me.

I wanted to look my fears in the eye and defeat them, so that I could prepare my own daughter for what was out there.

She would not become anyone's victim...she would be strong.

Preparing her for the worst would make her feel safer in life.

And when the time came...I would share my story with her.

I could give her what I had never gotten.

And by doing so, I would be able to accept myself in all forms, without pretense.

* * *

_"So how was it?"_

The heavens had opened up again.

It had been raining for days and I was getting pretty sick of it.

These pregnancy hormones were still surging through me and even though my final had gone well, I was in a piss poor mood.

Some people are just assholes.

_"It was okay."_ I muttered as I buckled myself into the passenger seat. I turned to look in the back seat, expecting to see two smiling little faces but was surprised to see that it was empty. I turned to Britt and tried my best to push through my frustration. _"B, where are the kids?"_

_"Daycare." _

_"What?!"_ I shrieked and she hit the brake really hard causing me to jerk forward.

_"It's just a test run...we are both about to get really busy. I have so much work to do and you have meetings everyday. Plus...it will just give them some stability." _

_"Says who?"_ I was trying my best to breathe but I was really not happy about this.

_"Says everyone...including me. Our kids spend way too much time with adults and until we are in L.A., far away from this drama...it would be really good for them to not be around everything." _

_"Is this about Marco?"_

_"I don't know what you mean?"_

_"You are trying to control how we parent the kids. You are challenging me...I know it." _

_"That's silly." _

_"No it isn't." _I could see her trying to keep a straight face...but she was doing a terrible job. I put my hand on her leg and stared at her as she tried to ignore me. _"Brittany...tell me why you did this without talking to me?"_

_"Because I knew what you would say already...I figured that if you saw them after we picked them up...saw how happy they are...that you would agree to it." _

_"So this has nothing with the fact that you think that Marco is going to take your rights to Daniela away?"_

_"Don't."_ She whispered.

She was getting choked up.

I looked away from her and looked at the road.

We were headed to Westchester.

_"Where are the kids exactly?"_

_"Brooklyn...at Beth's school." _

_"Brooklyn? Britt...this is just...I can't believe you did this." _

_"They were fine...when I dropped them off...I stepped into the hall and they went right to playing."_

_"That's not the point! The point is that you didn't talk to me first!" _

_"Calm down." _

_"No." _

She turned just before the bridge exit and all of a sudden we were headed into Manhattan again.

_"Fine...you want to talk...pick fights...we will go to the apartment and you can yell at me all you want."_

_"You don't get it...you just don't fucking get it, Brittany!" _

Why was I getting like this?

It had to be the hormones.

There was this part of me that was screaming at me to stop screaming at her.

I was ignoring it.

And because I was ignoring it...we pulled into the parking garage of our building, both sobbing like lunatics.

* * *

I felt like I was no longer in control of myself as I stormed ahead of my wife.

I was being ridiculous...having a tantrum instead of talking.

And poor Britt, she was trying so hard to apologize and get me to see her side but I was being absolutely unreasonable.

For some reason, I keep pushing her, thinking that she will back down but then she does something to catch me by surprise.

I had all this fearlessness as I stormed into the apartment.

I held the door open and waited for her to walk inside before I obnoxiously slammed the door behind her.

That was her limit.

Britt turned on me and pushed me backwards.

It wasn't hard or anything...just a soft push but it was enough to shove my skinny ass right into the door behind me.

Now she was pressed against me with her knee between my legs...and then she was pinning my hands above my head and staring me in the eyes.

The blue of her eyes was a steely grey as she glared.

_"I'm only going to say this once...so hear me good...you will NOT yell and scream at me like I am one of the kids. I am your wife and the last time that I checked, I was running things. Was I wrong to do something without asking? Maybe...but that is no reason for you to act the way that you just did. Do you understand?"_

She was channeling her rage and I was proud of her for it.

In the past I would be in pain of some sort while being backed up but other than her knee, she wasn't touching me.

My arms hung limply as I looked at her.

_"Yes."_ I growled out in a low mumble.

_"Speak up...use your words."_

_"Yes! I'm sorry."_ I said louder and more clearly

_"Good, thank you...now, I'm going to go and make us lunch...please go take a shower and grab Henry...I'll meet you in the kitchen."_

She took a step back and crossed her arms.

I didn't move.

_"B...I-"_

She held up her hand and then cocked her eyebrow,

_"Get moving...please?"_

I didn't wait any longer.

I just took a deep breath and quietly walked away.

A shower didn't sound half bad.

* * *

The water poured over my body and I was starting to think a little clearer.

I hadn't been able to get myself under control...flying off the handle like that wasn't something that I needed to do.

Britt was in a really sensitive place and I probably just made it worse.

On top of that...we were about to make a big move, my trial was starting and Marco fucking Vega was alive.

It was enough to make her run screaming but she was here...trying to find some balance in our lives.

Did it bother me that she did something that she knew would upset me?

Yes.

Did I need to snap at her so harshly?

No.

Could I have handled it better?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

I owed Britt a big apology.

Sure, I could blame some of this on my hormones but seriously, I knew better.

Now I needed to act like it.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"I almost lost it today...I swear...I wanted to hit her so bad." _

_"But?"_

_"I didn't." _

_"Did you get rough at all?"_

_"No...I used my words. I let her know that she can't talk to me however she wants." _

_"And she accepted that?"_

_"Yea...actually...she did." _

_"Awesome. Well...just take your time...be upfront with her but don't touch her until you know that you aren't going to hurt her." _

_"Okay." _

_"And, B?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Maybe telling her that they were in daycare when they are really just here with me...wasn't such a good idea. You need to own that...you already knew how she felt about it."_

_"I know, I know. I just thought it would get her to consider it...my timing was off. I learned my lesson though." _

_"Good...so are you going to get her to meet up with Marco?"_

_"We'll see...she's coming...I have to go. Thanks, Quinnie." _

_"Anytime...go easy on her...okay?"_

_"No promises." _

_"I was afraid you would say that...good luck, B."_

* * *

**_I pounded back a shot of whiskey and looked across the table at Marco. He had showed up at my hotel room, telling me about how he had just come from sleeping with Ana. I was angry despite the fact that I had just spent the last five hours screwing Frankie. _**

**_"Sometimes I think she gets off on the abuse...you should consider it."_**

**_"Never." _**

**_"Even though she gave you those stitches above your eye?" I touched my eyebrow and then poured another shot for both of us. _**

**_"Still...I love her and I can't do that to her...besides...she's pregnant. What kind of monster hurts a pregnant woman...oh right...you." _**

**_"Say what you want, Blondie, but I broke her in and I banged her for many years...I know more about what turns Santana Lopez on than even she does. You can try all you want but there will always be things that only I can do for her." _**

**_"Like what?"_**

**_"Let me show you." _**

_**And he did.** _

I closed my eyes as I thought about the way Marco had been.

He had been rough but he taught me things.

Showed me things.

Her weaknesses.

What she craved...

What worked...

And what didn't...

Now as I sat at the table...waiting for her to join me, I was at a point where I had to push everything that he had showed me to the side...and tap into what I knew about my wife.

I had been trying to live up to Marco, Ian and Quinn for so long now that I was dizzy just trying to keep up.

She chose me...always.

Even after I had that abor...procedure...she picked me up again.

So now...I needed to do the same.

Quinn had been right...I had definitely pushed her and if she had done that to me, I may not have flipped but I would have definitely felt hurt.

I needed to talk to her.

Understand her and then we could begin to work through this...like adults.

We had to fight for each other.

This was definitely a part of that.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I felt nervous.

My new and improved journal slipped between my fingers as the sweat from my palms increased.

It clattered on the floor and I jumped back.

It was just Britt...she wasn't going to hurt me.

She could have lost it...choked me...slapped me...gripped me up...but she didn't.

Why then, was I still feeling like I was about to go sit in my father's office and wait for him to kick me down?

Old habits?

Couldn't be...he had been dead for almost three years.

Flinching when I heard the sound of liquid sloshing in a bottle had been wiped away.

Getting chilled at the smell of alcohol on someone else's breath didn't turn my stomach.

But this...walking to my doom feeling...that was still very present.

Was it the fact that she had hurt me absent of my father?

Or was it the realization that my personal boogeyman was alive and well?

Whatever it was, as I stepped into the kitchen and was greeted by Britt's smiling face...all that doubt and fear went right out the window.

In her own way, she was showing me that I shouldn't be afraid...remorseful...but not afraid.

She was my wife and we would talk like adults.

Even though my conscious mind now understood that, I still quietly slid into my seat across from her and put Henry down on the table.

_"I hope I didn't take too long."_ I said, testing the waters to see if she would snap at me.

_"Nope...perfect timing, pray with me?"_

I nodded as I slipped my hand into her outstretched one.

She bowed her head and took a deep breath before clearing her throat.

I closed my eyes and dropped my head as she began to speak out loud.

_"Dear God, so much is going on in the world and in our lives. Can you please just help us to be good to each other? Help us to listen and to understand each other. And Lord, please watch over us in the next couple of days as we face our fears and our ghosts. I thank you for taking care of us and please take care of that little piece of us that just went to be with you. In your precious name, Amen." _

_"Amen."_ I said in a whisper.

Tears had taken hold of me and I was now crying into my hands as I thought of everything past and present.

Britt was the first person to not seem relieved about my miscarriage.

In fact...she was probably thinking about it more than I was...because I wasn't thinking about it at all...

Until now.

I was overwhelmed.

Stupid hormones.

_"Ana...come on baby...lets eat. One minute at a time...okay?"_

I looked up at her and wiped my eyes.

She was right...no more tears.

Just had to take it slow.

* * *

_"So..."_ I said as I gestured with my fork before poking at my salad. _"How is work?"_

_"Well...I took off today because well...Grady has kind of been in my face a lot and I just needed a break."_

_"Yea? Why is he bugging you?"_

_"He never stopped...ever since he's been back at the show, he has found reasons to have lunch at places that I have lunch or he will hear some song that I haven't heard and insist we listen to it together. I blow him off most days but after last night...I knew that I just couldn't deal with him today."_

_"So you aren't going to work?"_

_"No...not today." _

_"Have you asked him what he wants?"_

_"Yea...he wants my job. He is the one that passed my information off to Alvin Ailey. He says he was just doing something for me that he knew that I wouldn't do for myself." _

_"And you buy that?"_

I was trying to push back my annoyance but there was no use, Britt knew me too well for me to even try to hide it.

She rolled her eyes and pushed her empty plate to the side.

_"Of course I don't...but guess what?"_

_"What?"_

_"I don't really care. He can say what ever he wants to me...but none of it matters. He was trying to get promoted to a higher position than a simple understudy and in the process he got me a job far, far away from here. So I'm happy. Two more weeks and I won't have to see him anymore if I don't want to, which I definitely don't." _

I just sat there in awe of her.

Just a year ago, this would have bothered her endlessly.

Now...she was happy about it.

She had changed so much, grown up so much...what had I done?

Had I grown?

* * *

Britt cleared our dishes and then motioned for me to follow her into the living room and so I did.

She was still smiling...still light and breezy.

So I tried to be...but I couldn't help my anxiety.

I watched as she stood by her desk and pulled out the chair for me.

I didn't even say anything as I sat in the chair and then waited for further instruction.

_"I want you to open to the last page."_

I nodded and then opened my book all the way to the back.

There on the back page was Britt's loopy handwriting in multicolored ink.

_"Okay."_ I said looking up at her without reading it.

_"Read it to me." _

_"Okay..."_ I cleared my throat and then squinted my eyes, I hadn't worn my contacts today. Before I could even start she nudged me and when I turned there were my glasses in her hand. _"Thank you."_ I smiled and then took a deep breath. This was easy...just read...I could do that. _"Dear Santana, my love and my life, today and every day, I love you the most. I will always love you the most. We could have taken the easy way out and just broken up when times got tough...we could have made each other promises of staying in touch and being close always but we would have drifted apart. Instead though, we stayed together...through the good and the bad. Even when we were separated...we were always together. Our children bind us. I love you. Always I will be here for you, to save you from yourself and I will do everything that I can be the best person for you. I will make up for all the bad stuff...just meet me halfway...trust me and I promise that you that you will not be disappointed. Only you have been my home...only you make my world feel complete. Thank you for my children...thank you for your smile...thank you for your laughter and thank you most of all for believing in me when nobody else did. I hope to be your guiding light, just like you have been mine. I love you, Ana Banana...para siempre...for always. Love Britt Britt!"_

My whole body relaxed and my heart soared.

There was no need to be afraid.

She was my Britt Britt and I was her Ana Banana.

Get it together, Lopez.

**_"She is your dream...cherish her."_**

Marco's words as he signed the divorce papers.

_"I don't want you to apologize."_ Britt said as she stood there looking at me with a small smile on her face. _"I just want you to trust me and believe that I know what's best for the kids...what's best for you." _

I nodded and swallowed any argument.

She was right.

Susan had been right.

And got it.

There was no excuse for me to treat her like shit.

I needed her in my corner and I needed to be in hers.

_"Thank you for showing me that, B." _

_"You're welcome."_

I stood to my feet and opened my arms to her.

She smiled and wrapped me in her arms.

I squealed when she picked me up and spun me around a few times.

_"I love you, B and I'm going to be better."_

_"I love you too and I will be better...we both will be, right?"_

_"Right!"_

_"So then you understand why I can't just let this go right?"_

_"Two punishments in a week...this is tough." _

_"Don't worry...it's just for today." _

_"Okay, B...whatever it is...you got it." _

_"Good." _

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Hello?"_

Ana and I had just finished packing up our stuff so that we could pick up the kids and head back to Westchester when my phone rang.

_"Brittany...great...I tried to call Ana but her phone is off." _

Hmmm...that's because I took it from her.

She can't talk nice to me...she can't talk to anyone else today.

But I wasn't going to tell Gloria that.

_"So how can I help you?"_

Ana came into the room with the kids' bags and our suitcase.

She looked hot in her heels and I was tempted to jump on her but then Gloria cleared her throat.

_"Gladys told me that she told you guys...and if you aren't busy...we were wondering if we could come up and talk." _

_"Wait...he's here...with you?"_

_"Yes." _

_"Hold on a second." _

I put my phone on mute and then leaned against the door.

This was not what I had been expecting.

I thought we would have more time before she met with him.

But I guess not.

_"What is it, B?" _

Her big brown eyes finally had a little bit of happiness in them.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad?

Gloria seemed to trust him so that was a good sign...right?

_"Marco is downstairs with Gloria...what do you want to do?"_

Her face got firm as she dropped her bags down and crossed her arms over her chest.

_"I need to see him."_

_"Are you sure about this?"_

_"Yes, It's been a long time coming and I want some answers."_

I wasn't going to argue.

But I wanted her to be realistic about who she was dealing with.

It was going to have to happen and if I could deal with Grady...then she could handle Marco.

She just needed to be absolutely certain.

_"Are you sure that you will get them?"_

_"Yes...definitely, B...just promise me that you will stay with me?"_

_"I promise." _

_"Fight together?"_

She held her pinky up to me and after linking mine with hers, I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it.

We were both nervous but could anyone blame us?

This was a serious thing but at least we were doing it on our terms and on our territory.

She wouldn't be alone with him and Gloria would be here too.

I was happy about that.

He would behave...I was sure of that.

Whether I had to make him or not...that was up to him.

Change or not...he wouldn't lay a finger on her ever again.

That was a promise that I intended to keep.

* * *

**_A/N: Taking a break for a few days...need to recharge. Happy everything!_ _All mistakes are mine...review let me know what you think._ **


	61. Chapter 61:Love Without Tragedy

**Chapter 61: Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary (Rihanna)**

* * *

_**He would behave...I was sure of that.**_

_**Whether I had to make him or not...that was up to him.**_

_**Change or not...he wouldn't lay a finger on her ever again.**_

_**That was a promise that I intended to keep.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Nothing in the world could have prepared me.

By the time that the elevator made it to the floor of our penthouse apartment, I was confident that I was ready.

Britt was making coffee for everyone and I had kept myself busy by putting all of our luggage by the door.

Of course once that was done, I felt antsy.

But it wasn't too bad...I sat on the recliner and just waited after that.

Britt watched me closely when they had started knocking on the door.

I sat there and smiled really big.

She had even asked me, once again, as she went to open the door if I was okay and I insisted that I was fine.

And I was.

Until I saw him.

In that moment all of the air left my lungs,

Everything and everyone disappeared.

There wasn't even any sound as I stood to my feet.

Our eyes locked for a split second before I dropped my eyes to take all of him in.

He stood there, six and a half feet tall, caramel skin and piercing dark eyes.

His curls had been cut off and he was now sporting a buzz cut.

What shocked me the most though, was what he was wearing.

Rather the collar of what he was wearing.

I looked at him in confusion and he just smiled and nodded to me before stepping inside the door.

Fuck me, sideways...he had gone off and become a priest.

My laughter was low and harsh as I looked at his eyes again,

_"So am I supposed to call you Father now? I've seen you naked...I don't think I can do that."_ I rambled out as I stepped up closer to him.

He stepped back and looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

_"You look good, Santana."_

_"Santana?"_

I felt my eyebrows raise.

I don't think he had ever addressed me by my first name unless I was in trouble.

My full name from his lips had never ended well...I didn't want to take my mind back there.

Then he smiled and I felt nauseous.

It was...the weird icing on the weird cake.

_"Would you like me to call you something else?"_

_"Ana's fine...why don't you two um...have a seat."_

I stepped to the side and waved in the general direction of the couch.

Before they even got to the couch to sit down, though, I made my way to my bedroom, I just had to remove myself.

This was just...what the hell?

* * *

I was pacing back and forth in my bedroom, trying to calm myself.

But nothing was working.

**_Where are you?-Anita_**

**_I'm freaking out! Marco's here!-San_**

**_On my way to you.-Ari_**

**_WTF...seriously?-Q_**

**_Yes! I'm not alone...it's just...Q...he's changed?-San_**

**_He's a fucking priest?-Anita_**

**_What do you mean?-Q_**

**_I know! It's like...crazy! On the elevator!-Ari_**

**_He is a fucking priest...like collar and everything!-San_**

**_No fucking way!-Q_**

**_Where are you?-Ari_**

**_My room...help?!-Anita_**

My phone started ringing as Ari stepped into the room.

It was Quinn.

_"Hello?"_

_"Tell me that you're joking!"_

_"I'm afraid not...how can I be a bitch to him now, Q? I just...this has totally caught me off guard!" _

Ari came straight towards me and pulled me into her arms.

I heard the shuddering breath.

She was crying.

_"Wow!" _

_"Q...um...I will call you when we are on our way...kiss my kids." _

_"Okay...don't let him get you alone...I don't care if he claims he's the messiah!" _

_"Bye, Q." _

I rubbed Ari's back as she quietly soaked my shoulder with her tears.

She was shaking so hard in my arms and it shocked me.

Then she was sobbing.

_"Shhh...it's okay babe...just breathe. It's okay."_

* * *

**Marco's POV**

* * *

Foolish.

The moment that I saw her eyes, it was the first word that came to my mind.

Every action that I had taken in the last ten years had been foolish.

But she had survived.

It was that look in her eyes that had me wanting to repent.

The last thing that I remember about my mother is her big brown eyes.

They were the only thing that Cancer hadn't stripped from her.

And the moment that I met Santana and saw those same eyes, I knew that I had to have her.

I had a plan.

But then drugs and money changed me.

I hurt her and once I started, I couldn't stop.

When both my parents died and my family disowned me...I became numb.

I had lost touch with the ability to feel anything, especially emotions.

The cocaine didn't help.

I had gone to New York and was immediately enticed by the bright lights, fast women, fast money and the endless supply of drugs.

Little town Lima had lost me.

Everything about it was small...except her.

She was going to be somebody.

I had to contain her.

I didn't want her to be touched by anyone.

Her pregnancy had shocked me...I had her.

She would always be mine but then I heard she was screwing that pool boy...and I was enraged.

I didn't expect Aden to step in.

From the moment she lost that baby...she became rebellious.

All my hard work down the drain.

I had cameras installed everywhere after that.

Treehouse...car...every room, even her school locker and in that heart necklace around her neck.

I knew her every move and what I saw made me cringe.

She'd gone from angel to slut in a matter of a few months.

She wanted to act like a slut...so, I would treat her like one.

What I hadn't realized and had underestimated was her ability to survive.

To fight against all odds.

And now...I was counting on it.

* * *

_"I made coffee...let me know if there is anything else that I can get you."_

Brittany looked anxious and I didn't blame her.

I had heard about her temper and the possessive streak that she had.

_"Actually...I did want to talk to you about something."_

Her face dropped.

Not what I was expecting.

_"What is it?"_

She sat across from me and leaned forward, her eyes sparkled with something that I didn't recognize.

She had walls up thicker than I had ever seen.

Unlike Santana, she hid her emotions well.

_"I don't plan to make any trouble for you and your family. My whole purpose really was just to make sure that Ana and Gladys weren't blindsided by me rising from the dead."_

_"And what about Dani?"_

_"Dani?"_

_"Daniela...Ana says that she's yours...are you going to take her away from us?"_

_"No...he sure won't." _

Ana returned just in enough time to fight me over something that I had no need to fight over.

I nodded without looking over towards my ex-wife.

_"Actually Brittany-" _I had started to say before Ana cut me off again.

_"No...tell her that you won't, Marco."_

Brittany was watching closely and then held her hand up.

And there it was.

Everything that I had wanted...all the control that I tried to have over her...Brittany had now, effortlessly.

Not only did she have it...she hasn't laid a single finger on her.

I guess it's true what they say, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Apparently, Brittany knew that better than anyone.

I was in awe.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"You okay, Arita?"_

I took a step back and tipped up her chin so that I could see her eyes.

Her whole face was red and swollen and her lip was quivering.

_"It's just...I don't know!" _

She covered up her face and wiped at her eyes.

_"It's overwhelming...I know..."_

_"He...I just don't know how to feel, it's just that Gloria knew...all this fucking time...she fucking knew and she kept it from me!"_

She felt hurt.

_"Don't you see why though?"_

_"Es una traición!"_

_"Sweetie...she didn't do this to hurt you...she isn't betraying you!"_

_"It doesn't matter why she did it...I just can't stand that she of all people did this...she lied."_

_"She's human...stop treating her like she has to be this perfect being. She has her reasons...and knowing Gloria they're really good ones."_

_"Why are you taking her side? You are supposed to have my back! Me! Not her! Fuck!"_

She wiped angrily at get eyes and then stormed into the bathroom and closed the door.

_"Ari...please don't shut me out!"_

_"I just need some time to think...go out there. I'll be fine."_

_"Ari? I'm on your si-"_

_"Damnit Santana leave me the fuck alone or I will kick your skinny, rich ass!"_

_"You will not kick my ass and you know it. I get it though, no problem."_

* * *

I didn't say another word to Ari, if she felt that strongly, then who was I to sway her judgment?

I didn't like when anyone interfered with me and Britt, so I just left her to her thoughts.

Of course...I couldn't let her thoughts go too far.

When I walked into the living room I jumped straight into a conversation between Britt and Marco and got immediately shut down.

It bothered me but I shut up and walked into the kitchen to find Gloria instead.

If Britt wanted to have a talk with Marco, then I should let her right?

_"Hey G?" _I said as I stepped into the kitchen where Gloria was sitting at the table.

She raised her head and looked at me with a nervous expression.

_"She's mad, isn't she?"_

_"Definitely...you should go fix things...maybe take her some ice water."_

Gloria stood to her feet and smiled.

_"Good idea."_

Before she left the kitchen, water in hand, Gloria wrapped me in a tight hug and rested her head on my shoulder.

_"I'm sorry that I kept this from you...at first I didn't know you so well so I didn't care but now after everything...I feel like such a hypocrite. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me?"_

She stepped back and looked at me with the saddest eyes that I had ever seen and that includes my adorable kids.

_"It's not me that you need to worry about, I get it...you did what you thought was right for everyone...but Ari feels betrayed. Fix it."_

Gloria nodded and then nervously left me standing there alone.

Hopefully she took my advice.

* * *

I stood over the stove and poured myself coffee as I listened to the mumbling voices coming from the living room.

Britt and Marco were still talking and after the look in Britt's eyes when I had jumped in to the conversation twice, I knew better then to jump in again.

I had obviously been trapped in my thoughts again because the buzzing of my phone on the counter nearly had me crawling out of my skin.

_"Hello?"_

_"San...hey how are things?"_

I could hear the tone in Quinn's voice and I didn't like it one bit.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"Am I that transparent?"_

_"Yes...to me, you are."_

_"I'm downstairs...can you meet me in the lobby?"_

_"Why can't you just come up?"_

_"The cab is waiting for me...besides...can you just come to the lobby please?"_

_"Fine...give me a minute."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"You have to tell me how you tamed her." _

The old Marco would have shown an ugly smile with that statement but this version of him just seemed fascinated.

It was a look that I understood because of the way that Ari was with Ana. I remember how shocked I was the first time I saw them together, it was amazing to me just the way that Ana responded to the way that Ari spoke to her.

So only because of them did I understand that look of awe.

_"Respect."_

_"But how?"_

_"I tried what you told me...it only worked until I became addicted to the look of fear in her eyes, until I nearly killed her. Then...I just began to respect her, instead. I respect her space, her fears, her tears and more than anything, I respect her for who she is good and bad."_

Now he was smiling as he nodded.

_"And that Brittany, is how you got the girl."_

It had been a few minutes since Ana had walked away after I had silenced her and I was starting to wonder if doing that in front of Marco, of all people, had been too much for her.

I stood to my feet ready to go look for her when she walked into the living room in her heels and with her keys in her hand.

_"Going somewhere?"_ I asked as nicely as possible.

She nodded as she headed for the door.

_"I'll be right back. Q is downstairs and asked me to meet her down in the lobby." _

She pulled the door open and then stopped.

For a long moment she just stood there with her back to us and took a deep breath.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Marco staring at her back.

_"Ana?" _

I went to step forward and she must have felt me because she cleared her throat and turned her head just a little.

_"I'll be right back...I promise."_

I closed the gap between us and pressed a kiss to her shoulder.

_"I trust you and I love you."_

Her shoulders relaxed and she nodded.

_"Okay..."_

I turned away then and let her leave.

Things between us would be okay...she just needed to remember that no matter what we were in this together.

* * *

_"I don't want to cause problems between the two of you...and now that I'm here...I'm thinking that I should have waited for her to come to me."_

I nodded in agreement...really, him being here was just making things harder for her.

Even though, I could tell that she was trying really hard to be calm, I knew that him being here was really doing something to her piece of mind.

Amy had warned me that after she went through something so brutal that Ana's PTSD symptoms would be harder for her to control.

Sudden sounds and changes in her schedule could throw her completely off.

Whatever had happened between the end of her final and her getting to the car had started everything off and now with Marco here...it was just worse.

But I had to trust her to come to me.

Even if it was hard for me, I would wait.

_"Well you are here now...there is no sense in wishing that you weren't."_

He nodded and took a long sip from his coffee mug.

_"You're right...would you mind if maybe, I could have some more coffee?"_

_"Absolutely."_

I grabbed his mug and walked towards the kitchen.

From what I could see when I got in there was that Ana had been in the process of making her own mug of coffee before she got a call from Quinn.

Which was another thing that bothered me...what the heck did she need to go downstairs for?

This day was just getting stranger and stranger.

California couldn't come soon enough.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Mami!"_

The moment I stepped off the elevator, Isaac had torn away from Quinn's hand and was running towards me.

_"Don't run, Papa."_ I said as I took bigger steps hoping to get to him before he fell. Of course...I wasn't fast enough and he tripped over his own feet. _"Shit."_ I muttered as I knelt beside him and pulled him into my arms as he cried.

_"I sorry, Mami."_ He cried into my shirt as he rubbed at his head.

He had thrown his arms in front of him, which thankfully slowed the impact of his head hitting the floor.

But I could see that it still hurt him.

Quinn stood above me with the baby in her arms and Beth by her side.

_"I'm sorry to just drop them back with you...I really had no choice."_

I stood to my feet and adjusted Isaac so that he was wrapped around my hip.

He was whining with his face buried against my shoulder and so I just rubbed his back, trying my best to soothe him.

_"Its okay, Papa...just breathe...let's sit a second, Q." _

I nodded towards the couches in the lobby and Quinn sat down in a huff.

Beth though just stood there looking at us with big, scared eyes.

_"Beth...honey...come sit with me." _

Beth shook her head and then came and sat on the couch next to me and laid her head on my lap.

Since Quinn had gotten her back in her life, I had been taking little opportunities to get closer to the little girl...but with all my life drama, she saw me even less than my own kids did.

But she seemed attached to me still.

I brushed my free hand through her light curls and tried to not pay too much attention to the tears that I could see leaving her eyes.

Something was obviously very wrong.

_"Q, what's going on?"_

She looked at me with sadder eyes than her daughter and sighed.

_"Russel is in town with my mother and my sister. They just showed up to the house in Brooklyn and they didn't say nice things in front of Beth or to her. Celia is at the house now with them. Puck and Rachel are in Lima, visiting his sister and mom. Apparently, his mom just got out of the hospital. Anyway, I really don't want her around my insane family...do you think that you could watch Beth...just for the night? I know __that _you have Marco up there...but I am kind of stuck at the moment." 

A tear tried to escape Quinn's eye but she quickly wiped it away.

_"Absolutely, Q. Take all the time that you need. I mean as many times as you have taken the kids for one reason or another...it's about time that I returned the favor. We are probably going to head to Westchester after he leaves...so I can just bring her back in the morning...or whenever you want...okay?"_

I could almost see the heavy weights lifted from my friend's shoulders.

She nodded and then stood to her feet.

_"Thank you so much, San."_

_"Go get your cab...don't worry about Beth...she's in good hands." _

Quinn crouched down in front of me and looked into Beth's eyes.

_"Okay, sweetie...Auntie Tana and Auntie B are going to look after you for a little bit...I'm sorry that you had to hear what those mean people said. They were wrong. I love you, Daddy loves you, Ceily and your Auntie's love you...and Rachie too." _

_"Promise?"_

_"I promise." _

_"Okay." _

Beth sat up and wrapped her arms around Quinn's neck tightly.

Quinn looked up at me with a sad smile before leaning closer to her daughter and whispering in her ear.

There was a loud horn from outside and she hastily got back onto her feet.

_"Thanks again, San! I love you...I'll call you later...okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

_"Okay...Beth...sweetheart, grab Daniela's hand...okay?"_

_"Okay." _

We stepped onto the elevator with me just trying to hold in my anger.

I hated the Fabrays.

From the sound of it, Quinn's family had gone and fucked up Beth's happiness and knowing my sister, she had insisted that Quinn come to me.

The Fabrays never liked me because of my forward nature and so I knew that once they met my sister...they were going to freak.

But Celia could hold her own even if she was the quieter of the Lopez sisters.

My son began to snore into my ear and I couldn't help but laugh.

_"Hey, Little B...did they take a nap today?"_

Beth looked up at me and shook her head.

_"Not Izzy...Mami started yelling at her daddy and so Izzy wouldn't fall asleep. Dani just woke up though." _

_"Did you guys eat?"_

_"Yes." _

_"I love you, Beth." _

_"I love you too." _

_"Good...that makes me glad." _

_"Me too." _She giggled as the doors opened.

_"Looks like we are here...you guys go first and walk slow."_

I followed closely behind the girls as we walked down the hall to my door.

This was the first time that Marco would get to meet Daniela and I was feeling nervous but how bad could it be?

* * *

**Marco's POV**

* * *

I remember the day that I had last felt connected to Anita.

She had come to me, demanding that I sign the divorce papers.

I was an asshole.

She was a bitch.

It was a match made in the heavens.

I wanted to get what I could from her...and that included...sending her back to Brittany pregnant with my child.

It was screwed up and a bit sadistic but my time on cocaine didn't make me a very nice guy.

Most of the things that I look back on from those drugged up years, turn my stomach now.

So many of the things that Aden had taught me and prepared me for...ended up shaping me into a monster.

Thankfully...I was making my own way...I was determined to be a man who my daughter could be proud of.

The kind of man who a mother would be proud to call her son.

Up until now...I hadn't been that.

I had sat there and banged Anita while I convinced her to get high.

Never had I been the kind of man who deserved her.

And as the man who I was...I didn't even deserve to be in the same atmosphere as my own child...hopefully though...things could be different now.

* * *

The door to the apartment opened and in walked Anita with a baby in her arms and two in front of her.

She was a mom.

I had never seen her like this.

The way she held her son and kept looking down at the girls, this was no teenage girl.

This was a woman.

This was THE woman...she had been promised to me by her father as long as I could make her happy.

I never could.

I didn't know how to treat something so precious.

All I did was crush her spirit.

Our eyes met and I stood to my feet.

In the past, she would have flinched as I got closer to her but now she just stood there and watched me as I reached around her and closed the door.

Then I looked down.

Daniela.

The first thing that I noticed about her was my father's eyes.

I had always hated his eyes but on her...they were so perfect and filled with so much light.

She had my mother's dark blonde hair, except she had all Anita's and my curls.

She was the most beautiful little girl that I had ever seen.

_"Where's Brittany?"_

The bite in her tone, snapped me out of my reverie as I met her eyes again.

_"In the kitchen...do you need help?"_

_"Nope...I got it...why don't you head into the kitchen with Britt...I'll be right out."_

She didn't want me near the kids.

That was clear and while it saddened me...I understood it.

We had yet to clear the air between us and so the last thing that she was going to do was to willingly have me around her kids.

And while I looked at mini-Quinn, I knew that her mother would feel the same way.

It was going to be a long road but I was willing to climb every mountain just to get to be a part of my daughter's life...even if it was from a distance.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Hey...is she any better?"_

I had just gotten the girls set up in Daniela's room watching cartoons and was on my way to put Isaac in his bed when Gloria walked into the hall.

_"We um...are taking a break...I uh...do you mind if I go?"_

_"And leave him here?"_

_"He knows his own way...besides...he is probably going to want to talk to her too. I just need...to go." _

_"Okay then...I know you're smarter than most people but just don't go too far...and don't do anything stupid." _

_"Ha! I don't know if I even know how to do anything stupid...this was probably as rebellious as I can get." _

_"Good to know."_

She smiled and waved goodbye to me before heading towards the door.

I shook my head, just thinking about Ari and how stupid she could get.

Sometimes she couldn't see past the tip of her own nose.

So shortsighted...so judgmental...her time to be a brat about all this had passed and I would make sure that she knew that.

* * *

_"Mami?"_

I looked at my son as I put him into bed.

His eyes were half-open as he called out to me.

_"I'm here, Papa." _

_"You go, again?"_

_"I'll be in the kitchen." _

_"You be here, when I wake up?"_

_"Yes." _

_"Promise?"_

_"I promise." _

He smiled and then closed his eyes.

It still stung that he was so afraid of me leaving him...it was why I couldn't put him in daycare.

When we moved to California, I was going to build my recording studio again...and I was just going to be a stay at home mom.

At least until my son was comfortable with the fact that I wasn't leaving him.

I was becoming my own mother and that scared me more than anything.

* * *

When I tried my bedroom door, it was locked.

Of course!

Ari was obviously still pissed and as much as I wanted to coddle her...Marco being alive was really was a bigger deal for me than for her.

If anyone should be down in the dumps or throwing shit...it should be me, not her.

But I was beyond those kinds of feelings.

I had bigger fish to fry.

And there was no time like the present.

_"Mami?"_

Goodness...I can't catch a break.

Daniela stood there looking up at me with her arms up.

My children obviously were feeling clingy today.

I picked up my baby girl and made my way back to her bedroom but then I saw that Beth had passed out on the bed.

I could tell by the lines around her eyes that she had cried herself to sleep...and it had only been about ten minutes since I had left her.

What was going on today?

I guess Marco is going to get to know Daniela sooner than I had wanted him to.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was tired.

Really, I was beyond tired.

I just wanted to go home to our house and veg out on the couch but it didn't seem like we were ever getting home.

Marco was sitting across from me, talking on the phone to one of the FBI guys and sipping his coffee.

He really did seem just...normal?

It wasn't how I had expected to see him...ever, especially since he was supposed to be dead.

This though, was the first time that I had seen him since that night in the hotel room.

So for me this change in him was extreme.

I smiled when I heard babbling.

Dani.

I turned my head to see Ana walking into the kitchen with the baby in her arms.

She smiled at me and rushed to my side.

_"Hi, B."_ She said before planting a kiss on my lips.

_"Hey...is Quinn okay?"_

_"The Fabrays are in town...they made Beth cry...so we have her for the night while Q figures stuff out with them. You don't mind do you?"_

_"Nope...I have a movie buddy now." _

She put Dani in her high chair and then sat beside her.

Marco smiled at her and then hung up the phone.

I couldn't ignore how he couldn't stop staring at the baby.

He was in love with her.

I mean who wouldn't be but it made me nervous.

Even if he promised that he had no intention of taking her away...I knew that when he saw her, that might change.

* * *

_"So...let's get this over with...shall we?"_

I put my hand on Ana's leg and she took a deep breath as she met Marco's eyes.

He nodded and leaned forward on the table and looked between the both of us before looking back at the baby.

_"Where should I start? What do you want to know?"_

_"Why did you fake your death?"_

_"It's a long story...but really...I was just fed up. I knew that Trent was gunning for you and I felt like he needed to be taken down. He tried to have me killed in jail...and that was just the final straw. Really though...what made me think twice was her."_

He smiled at Dani and then looked back at Ana.

_"What do you mean...you didn't even know that she was yours...did you?"_

_"I had my suspicions...but then that night that I went to see you in the hospital...I snuck into the nursery and I knew. She looked like me when I was a baby. She looks like my mom now." _

_"Yea?"_

_"Yes...but like I told Brittany, I think that you two are her parents 100 percent and I am not going to contest that. I have been a horrible person...I have done unspeakable things and I just don't think that I would be good for her...even now." _

_"Swear to me that you mean that." _

_"I would swear on a thousand Bibles. I just want to be someone who she can be proud of. One day, she will ask about me...and I want her to hear good things. Positive things...I want to be someone who she can be proud of." _

_"That's admirable...but how do I know though that this isn't some act...and when the heck did you become a priest and why now are you just surfacing again?"_

_"There is so much that you don't know...that your mother and father kept from you. When I found out just how far Dr. Cray was willing to go just to get back at you and your parents...I just had to do something. So I got immunity and got put in witness protection and in exchange, I would give the Feds information and evidence that would lead to that...psycho getting put to death." _

_"So you aren't really a priest?"_

_"Not yet...I am in the process...I have been in seminary for a little under a year...I still have about three years to go. When I found out what happened to you from the FBI and then about Ari's Cancer from Gloria...I asked my Bishop for a leave and I came back. Apparently with whatever knowledge you have on him and I have...it's enough to get him put away...but you and I have to work together...we have to make sure that our version of events line up and are impenetrable. I'm here to help you." _

_"And once the trial is done...then what?"_

_"I can petition a different seminary and ask them to take me in. I really want to go through with this. It is important to me that I find redemption and that I gain your forgiveness." _

Ana sniffed and then looked down at her hands.

She was shaking.

Well...actually it was more of a tremor.

Had she taken her medicine today?

_"Ana? Did you?"_

She looked at me and then shrugged before dropping her eyes and shaking her head.

_"No." _

_"Where are they?"_

_"My purse." _

_"I'll be right back...I believe him by the way." _

She smiled and then looked back at Marco with a new determination.

I knew that she trusted my judgment and I could tell that his words were definitely coming from a place of sincerity.

She trusted me...openly.

That's my girl.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I don't know what it is about Marco Vega,

Something about him has always drawn me in.

Even now...after everything that he put me through.

The look in his eyes told me how much he believed in what he was saying to me.

Now that I had him in front of me...it was like looking at my daughter.

How hadn't I seen it before?

_"Mami...kiki?"_

I looked over at my precious girl and could see her smiling at me with her hands out.

_"You want to have a kiki?"_

_"Si!" _

Marco let out a deep chuckle and immediately I was right back to that shower.

Right back to him singing to me.

Back to him taking care of me after he had taken my body and mind through hell.

I stood up and pushed past those thoughts as I grabbed the box of cookies from the cabinet.

As I sat back down, Daniela clapped her hands together and then held her hands out.

_"Kiki! Mami give Kiki!"_

I smiled as I handed her the cookie and watched as she immediately began to suck on it.

When I looked back at Marco, there was a look on his face that I had never seen from him before.

He looked childlike and kind.

Nothing like the man who had hurt me, so badly, for so many years of my life.

_"She is absolutely adorable."_

_"I know." _

_"We made one cute kid...who knew?"_ He said as he smiled at me.

It was the creepiest thing...they were both smiling that same smile.

_"I didn't that's for sure." _

_"God bless her." _

_"Hmm."_ I muttered as I played with my coffee mug.

There was so much that I wanted to ask him.

So much that I needed to know but more than anything...oddly...I just wanted to hug him.

I wanted to tell him how much I was glad that he hadn't killed himself.

How grateful I was for the child that he gave me and Britt.

That he was still willingly giving to Britt.

* * *

_"So how do you know Gloria?"_

_"I met her at the church that I was serving. We were both just starting out...just learning who we were in the body of Christ and one fay after mass we got to talking. She told me why she was there and then I told her tidbits of my life. I had told her about my family and Ari...I knew that with her leaving the convent to go to NYU that she would eventually run into my cousin. And she did. I hadn't really bothered her once she was gone but when she left...I promised her that we would keep in touch. When I heard about what he did to you...I fought them until they let me come back and then contacted her."_

_"So she didn't betray Ari?"_

_"No...but I can see why my prima is upset. Gloria should have been upfront with her but I had asked her to not tell anyone about me and she promised me. She is a woman of her word...I realize now how bad that is though. Gloria is great and Ari is blessed to have her. They are blessed to have each other...especially now that Titi Lydia is gone..."_

_"You know about that?"_

He looked a bit choked up.

_"Yea...it...was so hard not to go to her funeral...to send off my Titi."_

_"She loved you." _

_"And I was horrible to her."_

_"And yet she still loved you."_

_"You think?"_

_"I'm sure of it."_

_"Wow."_

_"And you know what else?"_

_"What?"_

_"She knew that Daniela was yours." _

_"I bet she did."_ He chuckled.

His eyes were dancing with laughter now.

_"I want to forgive you...I really, really do." _

_"Take your time...curse me out...yell...slap me...whatever you need to do." _

_"Yea?"_

_"I owe so much to you...my life...everything...anything!"_

* * *

Stockholm Syndrome...it had to be.

How does he have such a hold on me after all this time?

I just wanted to hug him.

And so I did.

I stood from the table and made my way around it.

He didn't move.

I think he was afraid to scare me...but he didn't scare me anymore.

_"Can I?"_ I asked as I stood over him and held my arms out.

_"You sure?"_ He asked as he slowly stood to his feet.

_"Yes."_

I knew that he had hurt me before but I was happy that he was here, apologizing now.

It was something that I wish I could have done with Ian one last time...just hug him and ask for his forgiveness.

And so there I stood, wrapped up in the arms of my ex-husband...arms that had hurt me now held me.

Hands that had broken me where now rubbing my back as I cried against his black jacket.

It had all overwhelmed me but I didn't want to step back.

Something about that hug signified so much for the both of us.

I was sure of it.

* * *

**Marco's POV**

* * *

I don't remember tears.

For me they just don't come that often.

But as I held her...felt how frail she was...I felt even surer that I needed to fight for her.

Before the drugs, she had been so muscular and healthy but now...even after giving birth twice, she was skinner than I had ever seen her.

I had done this to her.

There was no going back...I couldn't fix the past, no matter how much I wanted to.

_"I'm so sorry, Anita. For everything...there is so much that...I just...I'm so sorry."_

She held me tighter as I cried into her hair.

_"Promise me that you will stay good...please?"_

She was begging me.

I used to force her...beat her until she begged me to stop.

Begged me not take her from behind.

Begged me to not make her snort more coke.

Begged me to not let him hurt her anymore.

And now...she was just asking me to stay good.

Without my coaxing.

Was it habit?

_"I promise." _

With those two words she broke against me and began to sob.

And then there was the whimper.

I looked down at Daniela and her lip was quivering.

_"Pobrecita...I'm sorry baby." _Anita said as she stepped back and wiped her eyes. She picked up the baby and wrapped her up in hugs and kisses.

It was the sweetest moment.

I would fight for them.

Forever.

* * *

After that breakdown of tears, I gave Anita my number and told her to call anytime.

I had put her through enough emotional upheaval for one day.

When I headed out the door though...I was met by a set of hazel green eyes that looked like they wanted to kill me.

Ariana.

My _'death'_ hadn't just affected Anita.

I knew that now.

_"Catch a cab with me?"_ I asked as I followed her into the elevator.

_"What makes you think that I want to do that?"_

_"Because...you are pissed at me and you always feel better after you have talked and screamed."_

_"Just...why her?"_

_"This wasn't about you, Ariana." _

_"Fuck you." _

I knew that I had my work cut out for me.

_"Ari...just...hear me out." _

_"There is nothing that I want to do less than hear you out. I wish you had stayed dead."_

She left me standing in the lobby as she stormed out into the rain with nothing but a sweater on.

God help me.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

At first I didn't want to leave the two of them alone together.

But then...I knew that it was needed.

He loved my wife and he loved Dani.

He wasn't completely changed but the angry, drug addicted side of him wasn't there anymore.

So when I left the kitchen, I didn't even turn back.

I trusted her.

And for some odd reason...I trusted him.

I had completely forgotten that Ari was still in our apartment until I walked into our bedroom and she was just sitting on the window seat staring out of the window.

_"Ari?"_

She turned and looked at me in shock.

_"Hey." _

_"Did you break up with Gloria?"_

I knew the answer but I wanted her to admit her stupid mistake to me.

_"Yes."_ She said even though it was barely a whisper.

_"Go get her back...it wasn't her fault."_

_"I know...she told me." _

She was staring through me but I didn't care as I walked into Ana's closet and grabbed her pills.

When I came back out of the closet, Ari was shoving her feet into her shoes.

_"Are you going to get her back?"_

_"Yes."_

_"What about Marco?"_

She stood to her feet and with all the passion in the world she growled.

_"Fuck him." _

_"I did...it wasn't that great." _

I knew that it was gross considering that he was her cousin but it had the effect that it needed to have.

She made a gagging noise and then broke into a small smile.

_"Gross." _

_"But you smiled...so success!" _

I pumped my fist into the air and then pulled her into an awkward hug before stepping back and ruffling her thin hair.

_"I was really mean to her." _

_"That's because you act first...you don't think." _

_"I know...I can be irrational...I just...it felt like she did it on purpose." _

_"She stood by you though...through Cancer...through everything. Maybe you should cut her some slack?"_

Ari nodded and then punched my shoulder.

_"Thanks, Britt." _

_"That's boss to you...at least for the next few days." _

_"I'm going to miss you." _

_"I'll miss you too...be good to Mike."_

_"If he's good to me." _

_"He will be."_

* * *

I hugged Ari goodbye and then went to check on Beth and Izzy.

Beth was curled up around a teddy bear sleeping still but Izzy was sitting on his bed staring at the floor.

_"Izzy? You okay, Papa?"_

_"I pee." _

_"Did you wet the bed?"_

He looked up at me with watery eyes and nodded.

_"It's okay...come on...let's get you cleaned up."_

_"Okay...no tell, Mami...okay?"_

_"Okay...then we have to hurry." _

I pressed my finger to my lips and so did he.

Our little secret.

I put my hand on his head and directed him into the bathroom.

Thankfully, he wasn't completely soaked but it had definitely been enough to make him smell.

Ana would know the moment that she saw him in clean clothes, smelling fresh what had happened but she knew he was sensitive about it.

Although we needed to definitely take him to the doctor, she wouldn't make a big deal in front of him.

Thankfully.

* * *

When I heard the front door close, I felt relieved.

One less person keeping us from going home.

Every time I saw our luggage next to the door, I wanted to go home more and more.

I gave Izzy a piggy back ride into the kitchen and was surprised to see it was just Ana and the baby.

_"He left?"_

She looked up at me and smiled.

Something about her was different.

She was glowing.

_"Yea...he left with Ari." _

_"Everything okay?"_

_"More than okay...I think I really believe him." _

_"Me too." _

She smiled even bigger as she brushed her hair from her face.

_"I'm glad we are on the same page, B." _

_"Definitely...are you ready to head home?"_

_"You have no idea how bad!"_ She said as she picked up Dani.

I handed her the pills and watched as she dry swallowed them and then drank the last of her coffee.

_"Movies and pizza?"_

_"Sounds like a plan."_

_"I'm proud of you." _

_"Me too." _

Even though she said it like it was no big deal...I knew that it was.

She was rarely proud of herself...but in this moment...she was.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I sat in the car while Britt drove us home feeling so much lighter.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing.

It enables you to let go of the hurt, not just for someone else but for yourself as well.

Today after my final, some ass clown had yelled slut across the quad while pointing at me.

She was in my biology class and from what I remember, she was a teacher's pet.

I was pretty sure that she was sleeping with him.

And I had taken that away from her and now she was bitter.

She was an asshole and while I didn't bash her head in...progress...it had gotten to me.

What had happened to me, had gotten around and I hated it.

There was nothing I could do.

Either people pitied me or hated me.

All my professors had felt sorry for me and had given me easy finals with the exception of the last one.

Thankfully.

I knew that I wasn't a slut.

That I hadn't asked for what he had done to me.

But it still hurt.

Britt had helped me to think before I acted.

She had helped me change that impulsive side of myself that I shared with Ari.

I was learning.

Progress.

And now...this new stage with my ex-husband...my ex-abuser felt good...I felt forgiveness wash over me.

There were no more feelings of resentment.

He had shaped me...made me stronger.

And now he was seeing what he had done and asking for my forgiveness.

Begging me.

Needing me.

Wanting something from me.

But I couldn't gloat.

Everyone has a path.

God deems one for all of us...sometimes other people veer from their paths and crash into ours.

Sometimes the devil can alter your path but no matter how far you are taken away from it...with enough faith and reflection...God will put you back on your path.

I always believed in the good side of Marco...he had let his mask slip...shown me what his mother had seen in him.

And now...that mask was ripped away.

He was making his way back to his path.

And I was a part of that.

If I could do my part and help him be someone who Daniela could be proud of...then I would.

Because I would do it for Ian if I could...I would even do it for my father, if I had he chance.

Everyone can be redeemed if they want it badly enough.

And no one should stand in the way of that.

No matter how wronged they feel...because in forgiving a person...you begin to forgive yourself.

I would not be a victim.

Only a survivor.

* * *

_**Thank you-Marco**_

_**Thank you.-Anita**_

_**There is still so much to discuss. This lawyer is coming out of retirement. :)-Marco**_

_**From what I remember...you are pretty good. :P-Anita**_

_**How could you tell...I was always high! :/-Marco**_

_**Because you graduated from Columbia at the top of your class.-Anita**_

_**Right...I did. Let's hope that means something.-Marco**_

_**We will see. Coffee tomorrow?-Anita**_

_**Yes. The more time we have to prepare the better.-Marco**_

_**Chance favors the prepared mind. :)-Anita**_

_**Henry Ford...nice one. :)-Marco**_

_**It's nice to be on your good side.-Marco**_

_**It's nice to be on yours. ;)-Anita**_

_**Touché. See you tomorrow.-Marco**_

_**Hasta mañana, Padre. :)-Anita**_

_**Dios te bendiga.-Marco**_

* * *

_"What's got you smiling so big?" _Britt asked as she rested a hand on my thigh.

I felt a tingle run through me and couldn't suppress how good it felt for her to touch me.

All I wanted was to capture this moment and be with her.

Hold her.

Reassure her of her place in my life.

Susan's words were still dancing through my mind.

I would be everything she needed and more.

_"Progress." _I said as I looked at my phone.

She nodded and squeezed my thigh.

I looked up at her and saw a glint in her eyes as we sat at the stop light.

_"You know...I really like progress...so much so, that when we get back...I look forward to hearing what progress you made on your assignment." _

She winked at me and then looked back at the road but kept her hand on my leg.

I kept feeling the tingles and the pooling wetness as her hand kept traveling upward but never made contact.

I was wearing a short skirt, so it would have been really easy for her hand to travel up too high...but we were parents and the kids were in the car.

But I knew that once we were behind closed doors that she would follow through with her advances.

Even with all my defiance and rudeness...she still wanted me.

And damned if I didn't want her too.

Bedtime couldn't come soon enough.

In the mean time though, somehow...her punishment wasn't sounding so bad.

Especially since I knew she wasn't going to cut me off from my needs.

_"Sure thing, B...I will proudly play for you." _

Now she was grinning.

Progress.

We were definitely making progress.

And I was going to do everything in my power to make sure things stayed that way.

Always.

* * *

**_A/N: I hope that you all have been blessed while I've been gone! Trial's next. Enjoyed this? Review it! _**


	62. Chapter 62:Let It Be

**Chapter 62: Let It Be (The Beatles)**

* * *

_**Now she was grinning.**_

_**Progress.**_

_**We were definitely making progress.**_

_**And I was going to do everything in my power to make sure things stayed that way.**_

_**Always.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**Wednesday, June 11th, 2014**_

_**Good Morning Henry!**_

_**Let me just say, that I am in the twilight zone!**_

_**Currently, I am in my studio after playing my song for Britt...well at least, I played the melody for her. **_

_**She just left to pick up Marco in the city...like seriously...on top of that, guess who just called me?**_

_**Grady.**_

_**What did he want?**_

_**To have lunch with me and Britt. Wanky, so guess what...she's picking him up too! **_

_**Sike. As if!**_

_**No...he can't come to my house...weirdo. **_

_**But we will have lunch with him before the end of the week, just so that he can say his piece and then he can leave my WIFE alone. **_

_**LOL. I can't even quantify how freaking funny this all is to me...I'm telling you, Henry, when it rains...it pours! **_

_**I was tempted for a few seconds to just invite Padrino and the Fabrays...but I'm not completely insane! **_

_**Anyway, I'm halfway through my new song with Isaac, Daniela and Beth watching television in the sound booth. **_

_**What Britt was thinking by putting one in there...I have no idea but they haven't moved an inch since she set them up in there. **_

_**So of course it was a genius idea!**_

_**I'm feeling really good today...even with the feeling that Marco is about to drop a bomb on me. **_

_**I have faith that I will be okay...I have Britt.**_

_**Oh and the countdown is on...guess who is 21 in seven more days?**_

_**Guess who is going to bring it in sober for the first time since she was 16?**_

_**This chica! **_

_**Lots of Love! -S**_

* * *

_"Stop! Ow...Mami!" _

I jerked my head up and saw that Daniela was biting Isaac.

Hard.

What the hell?

By the time that I got to the sound booth, Beth had pulled Daniela off of him and now they were both crying.

Great!

Thankfully, I was in a good mood and so even this wasn't going to ruin that.

I took the baby from Beth and looked at her, she had her head thrown back and was yelling at the top of her lungs.

How do I soothe her tears and reprimand her at the same time?

Timing.

_"What's going on?" _B burst into the room with Marco behind her.

_"Take her...she was biting Isaac and now she's upset too." _

I handed the baby off to Britt and knelt next to my son.

He was holding his little wrist in his hand and crying quietly on the floor.

_"Let me see your arm."_ I said as I held my hand out.

_"No."_ He said before turning from me.

_"Papa, let me see it...please?"_

_"You no yell at her so you no see!" _He screamed before whimpering.

_"Papa, I need to see how bad it is. I want you to be okay first. Please let me see?"_

_"No...I want Mama...not you." _

I looked up at Britt and she didn't hesitate as she handed the baby to Marco.

He looked at us both and then held her against his chest.

Her tears quieted as she rested her head against him.

Now that she was in his arms there was no way to ignore the resemblance.

"Thank you." I said to him.

He didn't smile or look at me with any expression, instead he just nodded and leaned back against the wall.

I hoped more than anything that this change in Marco remained.

Being kind definitely suited him.

* * *

I turned my attention back to my son and saw that his lip was trembling.

For such a tough kid, it amazes me when he is so sensitive.

He was obviously jealous of any extra attention that I gave Daniela and I got that.

Isaac has spent all of his life sharing me with other people.

I couldn't wait to spend more time with him.

He definitely needed some good attention.

My life definitely needed to become more about my kids and less about other people.

_"Come here, buddy. Let's get you cleaned up...just me and you. Okay?"_ Britt said as she held her arms out for Isaac.

He looked at her and nodded before stumbling into her arms.

Of course he wouldn't let go of his wrist so it was kind of awkward but she managed to pick him up just fine.

Isaac buried his face into the crook of Britt's neck and sniffled.

My heart hurt just knowing that he was in pain.

I should have been paying closer attention.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one that felt that way.

_"What happened, Little B?"_ I asked as I turned to Beth.

She was staring at the floor and then looked at me.

_"I'm sorry, Auntie Tana...I wasn't watching. I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me."_

Now she was crying.

Why is it that when I'm finally in a great mood, no one else is in one?

* * *

I was still on my knees as I looked into her eyes.

It was like looking into Quinn's.

_"Honey, I'm not mad at you. It's okay." _

_"No...I should have watched." _

_"You have had a rough few days...so it's understandable, it is my job to take care of you. Please don't blame yourself. Okay? How about a hug?"_

She smiled a little and I could see her father all over her face.

Beth leaned into me and rested her head on my shoulder.

After a while she hugged me back.

_"Auntie Tana?"_

_"Yes, sweetheart?"_

_"Will you be my Dama?"_

I pulled back and looked into her eyes again.

She looked really nervous.

_"Really? You want to be my god-daughter?"_

_"Yes...mom told me to ask you...if I wanted to and I think it would be so cool." _

_"Awesome! I'd love that, Little B."_

She smiled really big and there was NoNo again...this kid had hit the genetic lottery, her smile was just a killer.

Puck was in for trouble once Beth was in high school.

And if her parents were any indication, she was a shoe in to be at the top of the social ladder which was even more dangerous...especially with a Madrina like me...maybe Rachel's cheesiness would even her out.

* * *

I clutched onto Beth's hand and stood to my feet.

The sight of Marco holding onto the baby and rocking her as she slept in his arms, made my heart feel like it was going to fall right out of my chest.

He had his nose buried in her hair and it made me smile.

Should I be feeling this way?

I mean...shouldn't I be more freaked out by him?

It feels so weird to be at this juncture between forgiveness and memories.

_"You never change."_ He said as he opened the door for me and waited for me to step into the hallway before closing the door again.

_"What do you mean by that?"_

_"You think way too much for your own good." _

_"Always have...maybe its because I could never express my opinions out loud without...well...you know."_ I said feeling all the anger in the beginning of my statement fizzle out by the end.

I just couldn't seem to be angry at him.

I couldn't hate him.

In fact all that I felt towards him right now was love.

Love for Daniela...love for him trying...love for just him being here.

It was weird.

_"__Touché_."

* * *

By the time we got upstairs, Beth was feeling better.

She pulled her hand away from mine and looked up at me with a big smile.

_"Can I go to the play room and watch tv?"_

_"Go for it munchkin." _

She fist pumped out a small_ "yes" _before running off.

My new goddaughter rocked.

I was glad that she was feeling better about things.

Marco followed me into the kitchen where Britt had Isaac sitting up on the counter.

He had a bandage wrapped around his arm and was cradling it against his chest as he used his other hand to drink a juice box.

_"You okay, Papa?"_

_"Mama give me juice."_ He said with a small smile. _"But I still hurt."_ He said in a sadder voice.

My poor Papa.

_"Is it really bad, B?"_

She looked over at me with her lip trapped between her teeth.

_"A little...it's bruised up but thankfully she didn't break his skin too much." _

_"Was he bleeding?"_

_"Only a little." _

_"Ouch."_ I hissed.

_"Izzy come watch Batman with me!"_ Beth came running into the kitchen with a huge smile on her face.

Isaac perked up and held his arms out to me so I could help him onto the floor.

_"Down, Mami."_

I smiled because now he wanted me to be near him again,

Even if it was just to help him down from the counter.

I hated when he got mad at me.

* * *

Isaac was now out of earshot so I felt more comfortable talking to Marco.

Even though I knew that he couldn't completely understand what we were talking about...I still didn't want to discuss things in front of him.

Daniela was still knocked out in Marco's arms and neither Britt nor I wanted to disturb her sleep.

_"Did Beth say why Dani bit Izzy?"_

_"Nope...she feels bad about it though." _

_"Did you tell her that she shouldn't?"_

_"I did." _

_"Good...so, I'm going to leave the two of you alone for a bit. I'm going to take Dani and put her in her crib. Then I'm going to dance...is that okay with you two?"_

I looked up at her and could see how calm and sure she seemed.

She looked at Marco and then back at me.

_"Yea...that's fine with me, B."_

_"Good...Marco...treat her right...okay?"_

_"Absolutely." _

* * *

_"She sure changed her tune when it comes to me being alone with you...is my change that evident?"_

Marco and I had moved into the family room, which was closer to the play room, I had a direct line of sight and could see that Beth and Isaac were both laying on the floor watching Batman with rapt attention.

Leave it to Quinn's kid to enjoy superheroes.

It was Q's secret obsession as a kid...comics.

It was the only thing that she and Noah really had in common and now it had rubbed off on their kid.

Crazy.

I looked at Marco and smiled.

We were sitting at opposite ends of the couch, both turned towards the middle.

It was a comfortable position but still provided us enough breathing room.

_"She trusts you...so I trust you...don't screw it up." _I said as I sat back against the arm of the couch.

_"I won't."_

_"Good."_

_"So I went back to the church last night...and I prayed for a really long time about everything...and it occurred to me that I should really tell you the things that you don't know about...when it comes to your parents and us."_

_"Us?"_

_"You and me. Me and Trent...and you and Trent."_

_"This is the long story that you were referring to yesterday?"_

_"Yea...I just...I'm not sure I want to tell you without Brittany here with us."_

_"Is it that bad?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Should I get my sister to watch the kids?"_

_"I would...I mean...I get that you don't want to be far from them but this is really not something we should discuss with them here."_

_"You're freaking me out."_

_"I don't mean to...it's just...after I tell you...you're going to be pissed and upset and I just figure that you don't want to be like that in front of them."_

I didn't want to admit but I knew that he was right.

I pushed up to my feet and walked over to the kids.

_"Hey...who wants to go see Titi Sun?"_

Isaac looked up at me and smiled really big.

Titi Sun meant that he got to play with his cousins.

_"Me!"_ He screeched.

_"Beth can you take him to get his shoes?"_

_"Okay, Auntie Tana."_

* * *

It seemed like this whole situation was dragging.

But now...we were all set to talk.

Daniela was curled up in her crib upstairs, my sister had come and taken Beth and Isaac, and Britt was now sitting next to me on the sofa while Marco sat in the recliner.

_"This better be good." _I said as I took a sip from my mug.

_"That's the problem...if any of what I have to say was good...we wouldn't be here."_

_"Okay...so tell me."_

I leaned into Britt and took a deep breath as she wrapped her arm around me.

_"Everything that you know about your parents...well a lot of it is a lie."_

My stomach dropped.

_"What?"_

_"Your dad was your mom's professor but when they met she had just come out of having an affair with a married man. When she destroyed the guy's marriage, she became an outcast in Lima. So she used a connection and transferred to Columbia from Ohio State. Meanwhile, your dad had just left his wife and was raising your sisters in Brooklyn at the same time. He had a roommate...Trent Cray. When Aden saw the way that Trent was always looking at his girls...he sent them to live back in PR with their mom for the summer hoping that things would change...not that they did."_

_"What?"_ I was sitting there rigid in Britt's arms now. _"That's...not...what?"_

_Britt pulled me against her and rubbed my back. _

_"Let him talk, babe. Just let it be for the moment...okay?"_

_I nodded and looked over to Marco,_

_"I'm sorry...go ahead."_

_"During that summer Aden hooked up with Gladys...they fell in love and she moved in with Aden and Trent. The three of them were inseparable. Aden was helping Trent with his business...under the table but then your mom found out about it and tried to put a stop to it. Then though...she had a few miscarriages and she stopped fighting so much...Aden felt like Trent had something to do with the miscarriages. So when they found out they were pregnant again, your dad moved out of the house. Trent stayed there...until recently. You were conceived in that house and your mom never had her issues with pregnancy after they moved. They got married...and your dad took a job in Lima. They had the girls for a few years until you were about two. Your mom picked up with another married man...and in his rage, your dad sent the girls back to PR with their mom. Your dad threatened to divorce your mom if she kept on with the affair. He told her that God would punish her."_

_"No...my mom loved my Papi...she wouldn't cheat on him." _

_"It's a fact...and I know because it was my father that she was sleeping with. They kept right on sleeping together until my father died."_

_"You're kidding."_

_"I wish I was."_

_"But if my dad knew all of this...then why did he still become your Godfather?"_

_"Because he wanted to keep an eye on my dad...so he hired him...paid him well and took me under his wing." _

_"And my mom...she...tell me that her being with Hector..."_ I couldn't finish my statement.

_"She is the reason...that his wife left him...he was that first affair."_

_"Fuck." _

_"I'm not telling you this so that you can hate Gladys...she's a great woman who loves you very much. I'm telling you this because...those times that she was away from you..she was with him."_

* * *

I stood to my feet and held my hands out.

This was more than I could take.

_"Just...I need a minute...please?"_

He nodded and sat back, he looked anxious and I could see why.

From the looks of it...this wasn't the worst thing.

_"Ana...baby...are you okay?"_ Britt looked really worried.

_"Yea...I just...it explains so much. My dad would work and she would leave me...for days. She bought me that piano as a bribe...I just can't believe...wow."_

I dropped back onto the couch and just rested my head on Britt's shoulder.

My whole body was shaking and so she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in, as tightly as she could, against her.

_"I'm here."_

I nodded and then looked at Marco.

_"Keep going." _

_"You're sure?"_

_"You said that Trent knows things that he can use against me...my family's credibility. I need to know everything." _

_"Okay."_

* * *

My head hurt as I geared myself up to pay attention to Marco again.

But I could see it in his eyes, how regretful he was to be the one to break my world apart.

Again...

I wasn't alone in this though.

He had made sure that Britt would be with me and that I wouldn't be distracted by the kids.

I appreciated that.

That alone had shown me just how much he had changed.

_"So your mom has been with Hector since before you were born...my dad, I guess was just a detour."_

_"Is that why Papi was so excited to get her to Atlanta...away from New York and Ohio?"_

_"I guess...I had high hopes for their new life down there but then Aden started to interrogate me about that summer you escorted. He wanted to know names and prices. He wanted me to tell him everything that you did...and honestly, I was so high back then that it was a hard thing to do. Most of the dudes and chicks you dealt with were set-up by Mr. Evans. The only person that I dealt with directly was Trent."_

_"Why?"_

_"For that answer...we have to go back...do you remember when I moved in with you guys...it was that summer before I went off to undergrad?"_

_"Yea...it was one of the last times that I saw you before...that Halloween." _

_"Right." _He looked down at his hands and then slowly lifted his gaze to meet my eyes again._ "About that-" _

_"Don't." _I said as I shook my head.

_"No...let me just say that I am so fucking sorry about that...by that point, I was so deep into the drugs that I was out of my mind. I had loved you since I first saw you...way back when we were kids playing in the sprinklers...remember that?" _

His eyes lit up for a moment before his face got serious again.

_"Before we had the pool put in." _

_"Yea." _

_"I miss that time in our lives too...back when you were like my knight. I looked up to you." _

_"I knew it...there was a light in your eyes when you used to look at me." _

_"I loved you."_

_"Then that night, I ruined all of that...I took you out there and you were wearing that tight skirt...you were just hitting puberty and I just lost it...and in the process, I lost you. The light never returned after that...until you met Brittany. I was so jealous of that...of her. I took advantage of you and I should never have done that. So now, I'm happy that there is someone who gives you that light back."_

_"Me too." _I gripped Britt's hand in my lap and kissed her fingers.

She looked at me with bloodshot eyes and a small, tight smile.

She was trying to be strong for me but I knew that hearing all of this was killing her.

_"So what about after that? After we got back and my father was patting you on the back...congratulating you on there now being you and me?"_

_"It was an act. I had gone to your father and confessed what I had done...he gave me a black eye and told me never to mention it again but then you turned out to be pregnant. I couldn't ignore it after that and neither could he. He was so pissed at me...so angry that I had soiled you. I swore that I would do anything to make it right. Anything and so he made me promise that I would marry you...that since I had taken away your choice to give yourself to the person you loved...that you were now my responsiblity. I was going to be your husband. That was final as far as he was concerned. And being the idiot that I was...I took that as permission to do whatever I wanted with you. I mean...you were my property and the whores in New York would do these things...and so I would come back to Lima and have you do them. I had gotten you...and then that pool boy came along and I went nuts. I needed to keep you in your place because if I didn't...Aden would and I had seen what he did to you. Even down to the piano...he had wanted to burn it...but I told him that I would take care of it. I'm glad that it found its way back to you." _

I brushed the tears from my cheeks and nodded as I listened to him explain his place in my life.

Explain how he was hurting and helping me at the same time.

About my Papi's duplicity.

My heart was breaking as I listened to the way that my father had essentially married me off to my rapist.

But I still, I had bigger fish to fry.

_"And Dr. Cray?"_

I didn't want him to lose focus.

* * *

_"So Aden was investing in Trent's exploits but he never dealt with drugs directly. He sometimes supplied pills but mainly it was just a money thing. It went on for years. When I got into Columbia...Aden called in a favor. I couldn't afford housing...and since your dad still owned...that house, he told Trent that I would be staying there. When I got there...immediately I got wrapped up in whatever dealings were going on."_

_"So you dealt with him before that summer that I escorted?"_

_"Yea...for years, I would find the girls for him and he would use them as drug mules. Then when he found out that I was planning on going into law he introduced me to Mr. Evans. After that...things got worse for me before I even realized just how much. I forgot myself...started going crazy. I have no idea how I even graduated. Then that summer came...I was trying to make partner...I was trying to get my head straight...quit drugs. Your dad called me just before you 18th birthday and told me how you were with Brittany and how you thought that you were gay. He told me that I needed to set you straight...literally. So I came back. The rest...you know." _

_"But the hit...why did he kill my father?"_

_"Your dad was moving to Atlanta when I told him about you and Trent. He made me tell him everything that I knew. He flew out to New York and he pulled all his funding from the drugs, he threatened to have Trent arrested and he told him that if he ever came near you again, that he would kill him. He even threatened to expose him. One thing you know about Trent is that he is a lunatic. He called in a favor and the guy he called was supposed to just paralyze Aden...Trent had this whole plan to kill you and your sisters. He wanted to make your dad pay...because he felt like he was owed."_

_"Owed? Seriously?"_

_"He felt like he made your dad who he was. It was crazy...the whole thing. He had even taunted Aden...telling him how he had slept with Gladys and Sandra. How he had gotten off on their cries as he broke them. The worst thing was how he told Aden that your mom's miscarriages were really abortions of Trent's babies. He was shocked when you turned out to look like the spitting image of your father." _

_"That sick fuck." _Britt muttered.

I nodded and swallowed back the bile that was burning my throat.

_"Gladys denies it and I don't even want to think about things with Sandra being true...she was just a kid."_

_"Oh God." _I said slapping my hand over my mouth.

Did she know that this was the same person?

Should I tell her who it was before the trial?

Was it even true?

This just got a little more complicated.

_"Look...he is a liar...it might not be true."_

_"But you don't know that for a fact, do you?"_

He looked sad as he shook his head.

_"I don't."_

_"What a fucking asshole. I can't wait for him to get what's coming to him."_

_"I know."_

_"So...what happened between you and him?"_

_"Well, I had already distanced myself from him after he left you with that needle in your arm and so by this point he and I were at odds...he had me arrested. Blew my world right open, I lost everything...I was grasping at straws, just trying to survive. You were pregnant with another man's kid and I just wanted to hurt you. In my mind that should have been my son...my baby and you went and slept with all these people. Things...just spiraled out of control after that."_

_"That's putting it lightly don't you think?"_

_"Definitely...I just...when you came to New York to sign the papers...I was about to go away for a long time. In the mean time...I was still bitter about you having someone else's baby so I planned to get you pregnant...it worked too well, I saw how sick you looked...and I wanted you off the drugs. How could I though...a junkie, convince you to stop so when you wanted to buy the drugs from me...and then promised to hold the money...and pay off my dealers. I couldn't turn that down and if I had successfully got you pregnant, which I did, you wouldn't use. You promised to clear my name and my debts but then you didn't pay the dealers. I got raped in jail...I was angry."_

_"I'm sorry." _

_"I deserved it."_

_"No one-"_

This time, he was cutting me off.

_"Anyway...Things just kept getting worse for me. I was trying to keep tabs on you...but eventually...I gave up and worked on a way to get out. It took months but eventually I was released just in time to meet my daughter. Even with you telling me she wasn't mine...I couldn't take you for your word. I needed to know. And then when I saw her...my heart shattered...I knew that I was so unworthy of her. I went to a bar from there and then I went looking for my cousin...and things got crazy, stupid. She was playing that song...I was drunk...I got arrested. When I got in there...I heard so much...I kept my ear to the ground and that's when...I found out that Trent had been busy. He needed money...he needed resources and I was broke so he was coming for you. I told Gladys when you came to see me. She said she would take care of it...but I didn't trust it. So I went to the FBI and got a deal." _

_"Wow." _

_"I know."_

* * *

I had lost the capability to speak.

The moment that the conversation with Marco was over, I escaped from the room.

When Britt found me a little while later, I was in our bed with my face buried in the pillows angrily mumbling to myself.

There were no tears.

Thankfully.

_"Ana?"_

I didn't answer, instead I balled up my body and buried deeper under the covers.

_"San?"_

There was a dip in the bed and then another.

_"Great...a blonde sandwich!" _I muttered as I flipped over onto my back.

Quinn looked like she hadn't slept a wink and Britt looked like a sad panda again.

_"We are a pitiful looking bunch...Sue would be so proud." _Q said as she sat cross legged by my head. She looked at me and then patted her lap.

Quinn's comfort was something the I have obviously always had trouble resisting. I moved over and laid my head in her lap and looked up at her.

_"I'm not having sex with you, Q." _

She shook her head and finally cracked a smile.

_"Darn, guess I just have to figure out another way to cheer us both up!" _She said before burying her fingers in my hair and scratching my scalp.

My anger vanished as my eyes drifted closed.

All of a sudden a wet kiss met my lips.

My eyes shot open in surprise, I was ready to panic until I saw Britt hovering above me.

I hadn't even realized that she was kneeling over me.

_"You're like a fucking ninja! Where did you come from?"_

I should have known that Britt would go all dumb blonde on me...

_"Chicago...Lima...New York and pretty soon Los Angeles but before all of them, I came from my mom's vag-"_

She was so busy with her eyes rolled up as she ticked off her various homes, that she didn't see me until it was too late.

I was still a cheerleader...still a head Cheerio. I did a quick twist and with a little push from Q, I managed to roll us.

Britt let out a loud giggle as I poked at her sides.

_"Ha! Q...help!"_ Britt shrieked.

_"You want my help?"_ Q asked with a glint in her eye.

Britt's whole face was red as I continued to tickle her. She nodded with tears in her eyes and pointed at me.

_"Crap, Q...no!"_

I didn't stand a fucking chance!

Within a matter of seconds they were both above me tickling me.

_"Ay Dios! Dios mío!"_ I screamed as my body was assaulted with a million moving fingers.

It was hell...but damn was it heaven.

* * *

**_May 2nd, 2014_**

**_Santana,_**

**_Hey...so I was thinking about things. _**

**_About all the things that happened to you...I want to be so angry at that guy but really I'm just sad about it. _**

**_Gladys tells me to pray, Gloria says to have faith and Quinn just cries...a lot! But then Kurt...my beautiful unicorn who hasn't come to see you or even called a lot ran into me on the street. _**

**_We went for coffee and he talked to me about random stuff and he didn't really give any advice, instead he just told me to go home and look up this Beatles song. _**

**_He even wrote it down for me so that I wouldn't forget it._**

**_I knew what song it was because mom used to play it in Chicago. _**

**_I listened over and over again and even danced with the kids to it._**

**_One day you are going to start thinking hard about everything...and I just want you to remember your faith and be at peace...you just have to let it be._**

**_I love you! _**

**_Just remember that this is all just a part of your testimony. Or at least that's what Gloria says._**

**_You will always be my Ana Banana._**

**_So just let it B ;)_**

**_Always and only,_**

**_Your Henry!_**

* * *

**_June 11, 2014_**

**_Let it B!_**

**_Britt grabbed you after I finished peeing the bed! _**

**_She wanted me to show Isaac what I had done, so he didn't feel so self-conscious but I refused and instead made her and her evil tickling accomplice, Lucy Q, swear that they wouldn't tell a soul. With all of our pinkies!_**

**_Anyway, I'm all cleaned up now and thankfully my brain had so much light after hearing all of that fucking darkness, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have been so receptive._**

**_I get it though...with everything that I was told, being bitter isn't going to fix anything._**

**_So I'm going to let the shit from the past go...I can't change any of it but I can use it to beat that bastard at his own game._**

**_And I will. _**

**_-S_**

* * *

**_I need to see you ASAP!-Santana_**

**_Should I come to you or do you want to come to me?-A_**

**_Whatever works for you. I just need you!-Santana_**

**_See you in the office in an hour?-A_**

**_Thank you so much!-Santana_**

**_Will it be a solo session?-A_**

**_For today...yes.-Santana_**

* * *

_"Thank you for seeing me today. You have no idea how much I needed this."_

_"Honestly, Santana...I'm just proud of you for doing things because YOU realized that it was necessary."_

_"Thanks Amy."_

She smiled and nodded her head before putting her notepad and pen down on top of her desk.

I smiled when she made her way around her desk and came to sit across from me.

I loved these kinds of sessions the best, when she came from behind the desk and actually made this a conversation.

_"So tell me what's going on."_

I nodded and then launched into the story of how I came to find out about Marco being alive, realizing that he was Daniela's father and then I broke down everything he had told me.

By the time that I was finished she looked at me with a look of annoyance.

But she didn't speak.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore after about five minutes.

_"Say something!" _I snapped.

_"Tell me what brought you here today, Santana." _She sighed after giving me a controlled smile.

_"In the past...I would have done something rash. I would have been destructive towards myself and my family. My first instinct was to strike back but somehow...I don't feel the need for vengeance. I don't feel bitter and hateful."_

_"What do you feel?"_

_"Just intrigued...I guess?" _I shrugged and nibbled on my nail.

_"You guess? Santana...you don't guess...you either know or you don't know."_

_"Fine. I just want answers. The issue for me is that I don't really know how to go about getting them while still being civil."_

_"So you want to do things in a different way?"_

_"Exactly."_

_"I think the best way to do that...is to forgive the past but not forget it. Even when we are wronged, sometimes it's better to forgive the things that cannot be taken back. Being bitter doesn't make the past change. You know that better than anyone right?"_

I nodded as I slowly drank my coffee.

Even my habits were changing.

I didn't feel the need to be a lush.

I didn't feel a need to do things to the extreme.

_"Right."_

_"So you forgave Marco...but what about Gladys? Hector? Aden? Dr. Cray?"_

_"I have things about all of those people, that I am not quite sure how to deal with. I have even held resentment towards Ian after he took his own life. I have never been the most forgiving person."_

_"Why is that?"_

_"I have been too afraid to be hurt again."_

_"Can Ian hurt you again?"_

_"No."_

_"So why resent him?"_

_"I guess it's easier than feeling guilt for not seeing what was right in front of me all of that time."_

_"What about Gladys and Hector?"_

_"Forgiving my mom for the past is always a work in progress because for me, I believe she sees that time differently than I do."_

_"Do you want to forgive her? Do you think that you can even if you don't see eye to eye on some issues?"_

_"Like agreeing to disagree?"_

_"Something like that."_

* * *

_"I feel so hurt...like so much of my life has been a lie. I spent so much of my childhood alone and the only thing that got me through that was knowing that my parents were off making the world a better place. I feel betrayed."_

I sat there staring at her, waiting for a response...preparing to be shot down.

_"Ay mija...if I could go back and change the way that I conducted myself back then, I would."_

_"But that's not possible. You did what you felt was necessary for you. I just don't understand how. I mean for me...I'm a mom so I try to think like a mom when I think about what you did and I just cannot imagine getting to a point where I want to be anywhere else other than with them. They are the most important people in my world and I just couldn't willingly be away from my children...especially not to go jump in another man's bed."_

_"What are you implying?"_

_"Nothing that hasn't already been said to you."_

_"You're all that I have left Santana. Without you my life is empty...desolate. I should have...I could have but I didn't. That's my fault...my cross to bear and I own that. Just please, mija, do not get hung up on my downfalls."_

I sat in my old kitchen watching my mother's face and tried to understand how she could, just so easily, toss me to the side.

And then it hit me...none of her answers would ever be good enough, because the hurt was still there.

I could dwell or I could just let it be...

And while on paper, it sure sounds nice...

Reality is different.

_"I need to own it." _I muttered to myself.

_"Own what?" _

Everything was suddenly becoming clearer...as much as I kept saying that I didn't want to just be some kind of victim, I realized that I was swiftly becoming just that.

I looked at the wrinkles on my mother's refined face and could see how tired she seemed.

After seeing Amy, I had come straight here before heading home.

Now though, what was supposed to be me getting answers from my mom about the how's and why's of our family history, had suddenly become me making a decision.

I was so fucking sick of dwelling on shit.

_"I need to own my past, it happened and nothing you say will fix the way that part of me felt. It's too late."_

_"So what are you saying, Anita?"_

_"I'm saying that this is it for me. After this trial, I am taking MY family to California and it will be up to you to seek me out. I am done with the drama. I just want peace for me, for Brittany, and for my kids. I won't flake out on them because of you or Papi. I love you, Mami. Take care of yourself."_

_"Santana?"_

I stood from the table and smiled lightly at her.

Her dark grey eyes looked gloomy but she didn't bother moving from where she sat.

_"Dios te bendiga, Mami."_

* * *

As I climbed into my truck, everything hit me.

It felt like freedom.

Like I had just taken out the garbage.

Who knew that Marco Vega, the one who helped to chain me and break me, would be the one to push me towards a better place.

He was on a road to redemption and so was I.

Except he was doing everything that he could to free his soul,

While I was trying to cleanse mine.

_"Lord, help me to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Help me to be worthy of my blessings and not take them for granted and more than anything, please help Mami to find her peace...Amen."_

And with that prayer, I let go of the bad stuff.

There was no need to wait for California, I would take care of my children and my wife starting now.

With no regrets!

* * *

**_A/N:Many blessings! Keep moving forward! Happy New Year...(Story timeline, Ana wakes up from her coma at midnight...New York time) Had to post! Enjoy! Review! :)_**


	63. Chapter 63:Love Into The Light

_**A/N: I do not own Glee or Beyoncé! :)**_

* * *

**Chapter 63: Love Into The Light (Ke$ha)**

* * *

**_Except he was doing everything that he could to free his soul,_**

**_While I was trying to cleanse mine._**

_**"Lord, help me to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Help me to be worthy of my blessings and not take them for granted and more than anything, please help Mami to find her peace...Amen."**_

**_And with that prayer, I let go of the bad stuff._**

**_There was no need to wait for California, I would take care of my children and my wife starting now._**

**_With no regrets!_**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"You have no idea how much this means to me...thank you so much!" _

_"Anything for you, BLo. Now...I have a very pregnant wife to attend to. Send my love to your wife and tell me how it all works out! Record her reaction!" _

_"Ha...someone should record mine!" _

_"Definitely. I love you, B!"_

_"Love you too, Frankie. Ciao." _

_"Ciao Bella!"_

I hung up the phone and was just putting it down onto the nightstand when I felt a body collide with mine.

I went down like a sack of potatoes.

My mouth stretched into a wide grin when I saw that Ana was straddling me with a huge smile.

_"Hey B!" _She said as she leaned down and dropped a zillion kisses on my face.

_"Hey! Was getting the kids in bed that exciting?"_

_"Ha! I wish!"_

_"Then what's got you so excited?"_

_"I just got a call...and you will never guess what happened." _

I had an idea because I got called first but I wasn't going to let on that I did.

My face was blank as I looked up into her sparkling brown eyes.

_"Um...NASA approved my blueprint for a time machine?"_

Her jaw dropped open in shock before she snapped it closed and shook her head.

_"Nope...better than that." _

I rested back on my elbows as I looked at her face.

_"Hmmm...you sold another song?"_

_"Better than that." _

_"I can't guess...just tell me!" _I said as I poked at her sides.

She shot me a glare and I stopped immediately...I knew that a repeat of her earlier performance of bed wetting was not something she wanted to go through again_. _

_"Mercedes called me...she is on tour with the __Live Divas _Charity tour...you know the one with Beyoncé, Adele, Lady Gaga and Rihanna?"

I nodded, feeling my blood pressure rise.

Even without knowing what this was...I was excited.

This had not been what I was expecting when Mercedes called me earlier.

I really did think that she sold another song.

_"Yea?"_

_"Well, they are sweeping through New York this weekend and guess who just got asked to perform the song that I wrote for Beyoncé, at Madison Square Garden, this Saturday night, to a sold out crowd with Beyoncé herself?"_

_"Who?"_

She squealed and clapped her hands together.

_"Me!"_

* * *

This was great!

It was definitely going to blow my surprise out of the water and that was fine with me because this was just what she needed.

I rolled us over and hovered over her with a huge grin.

_"Does this mean that I can finally meet her?"_

She laughed and nodded up and down so hard that she was reminding me of a bobble head.

Her nodding was making me dizzy, so I put my hands on either side of her face and planted a big, wet kiss on her lips.

When I pulled away just enough to look in her eyes, she looked so happy.

I wanted to remember this moment forever and bring it back to memory in those dark times.

_"Yep! Plus...you know I get my dream...to play in front of a sold out audience." _

_"Right! I'm so happy for you, baby!" _

_"Yea?"_

_"Yep...we should definitely celebrate."_

_"How?"_

_"How about dinner on the floor of your sound booth...and then...maybe some sweet lady kisses for dessert?"_

_"What about the kids?"_

_"They are fast asleep...and we still have baby monitors...so, what do you think?"_

I wanted her so much right now.

She was glowing and so bubbly that I couldn't resist her.

This part of Ana didn't come out very often so seeing it was like tasting the rainbow.

_"Okay, Britt Britt...lets do it." _

_"Oh I plan on doing it...but lets have dinner first." _

Before she could respond, I jumped down from the bed and made my way out of the room.

I made sure to swish my hips for extra effect and wasn't disappointed when I heard her stumble from the bed a few moments later.

Sweet!

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Her fingers trailed up my ribs as she pushed me against the foam covered walls.

We hadn't been able to have sex for a while with all of my issues but right now...that wasn't really a big deal.

She could be gentle and maybe that was what I needed.

Her softer touches.

_"I love you, Britt."_ I whispered before sucking her bottom lip between my teeth and nibbling on it.

She growled and pressed her body against mine until there was no place that we weren't touching.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against me.

I released her lip and she pulled her head back with a mischievous glint in her eye.

_"I love you, too."_

_"I need you, B...please?"_

_"Your needs again?"_ She said with laughter in her tone.

_"Mmm...yea, I needs you...sweet and gentle...please?"_ I moaned as I looked into the glittering eyes in front of me.

She smiled shyly and then continued to run her fingers along my sides.

_"Are you sure that its okay?"_

_"No...but maybe if you are just gentle...try please? I need you to take away this dirty feeling. I haven't been able to wash away the feeling of him inside of me...his thrusting against me. I just need you to make me feel clean...please Britt Britt?"_

From the first moment that I spent with Britt in my arms, I knew that I wanted her there forever.

Years later...that still hasn't changed.

I closed my eyes as she pulled my shirt above my head and trailed kisses across my neck.

_"Mmm...you smell so good." _She muttered before she sucked on my collarbone.

_"Yea?"_

_"So good."_

I smiled and pulled her face back up, towards my lips.

_"Kiss me."_

And she did.

* * *

Britt lifted me into her arms and then walked us across the room and rested me on my piano bench.

My blood, my sweat and my tears had been spilled here.

I had so many conflicting memories when it came to my Butterfly.

It was my only possession that hasn't been something that I wanted to toss to the side because of the memories attached to it.

Britt slid to the floor and pulled my boots and with them, my tights and panties came off.

I felt the cool air hit the wetness that dripped from me and couldn't help but catch the sparkling glance being thrown my way.

I smiled at her and ran my fingers across her forehead and down the side of her face until I cupped her chin.

_"Don't be nervous, B. You already own this."_

She smirked and without another second of hesitation she pulled me forward until I was leaning back onto the cover of my piano.

_"You'll tell me if it hurts or you want to stop...promise me." _

There was so much worry written on her face and doubt in her eyes.

_"I promise...just love me, B."_

_"Always._" She whispered before dipping her head and taking me in.

I didn't hold back my moans as she slowly blew across my clit while massaging my thighs.

_"Oh B..."_ I whispered.

She pulled back and smirked at me.

I was panting as she massaged close to my core while she just stared at me.

She was teasing me.

_"Tell me what you want."_

_"You."_

_"You already have me, Ana...now tell me what you want me to do with this feast you have down here?"_

She winked and licked her lips and I groaned.

_"Eat me."_

_"Yea?"_

I wanted to laugh when I saw the grin on her face but my body was on fire.

I gripped the edge of the bench and thrusted my hips closer to her face.

_"Please, B...I need you baby."_ I said in my most sultry voice.

_"If I'm what you need then I won't deny you."_

_"Unh...th-thank you!" _I bit my lip as she sucked me in and began to slurp and lick.

* * *

She was all over me as her hand slid up and she pinched my nipple while her other hand teased my entrance.

I could feel how much I was dripping and it turned me on even more as I pushed myself against her mouth as much as humanly possible.

_"Mmmm." _She chuckled before growling and sucking harder.

_"Fuck!"_ I groaned again. _"Yes! Like that...like that...so good. Yes!"_

I rocked against her face and she rewarded me by slipping softly inside.

I felt a pinch of pain and hissed.

_"Does it hurt?"_

_"Unh...keep going."_

_"You're flinching...it hurts."_

_"Awww! Don't stop, B."_ I looked down at her and could see her looking down.

_"I'm stopping." _

_"No! I was so close!"_ I whined.

She pulled her finger completely out of me and held it up for me.

_"You're bleeding...I'm stopping." _

Her face was stern and I felt like crying.

_"Shit."_

_"You promised that you would tell me if it hurt." _

Britt was still kneeling as she wiped off her finger on her jeans.

I suddenly felt dirty and bit back the tears as I pulled my shirt down as far as it could go.

* * *

_"I have a high pain tolerance."_

_"Bullshit...you were obviously in pain and now you're bleeding."_

Her words stung.

She didn't believe me.

_"I need to go."_

I tore away from her and stumbled to my feet.

She didn't move as she looked up at me.

_"You aren't healed yet, Ana...and that's okay, I can wait." _

I hated the tone she was using.

She looked like she was trying to talk me off a ledge.

But I wasn't a jumper.

I was a fighter...she should know me better by now.

_"I-I need to go shower...just...let me be?" _I asked as I backed out of the room.

She stood to her feet but didn't step towards me.

_"Are you sure that's how you want to deal with this? By pulling away?"_

_"You don't get it...you just don't understand." _

And there where the fucking tears

Where had my amazing mood gone?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

**_I love my wife.-Brittany_**

**_Yes. You do.-Frankie_**

**_Then y is she locked in the bathroom crying?-Brittany_**

**_The better question is why are you wasting time asking me?-Frankie_**

**_Ur right.-Brittany_**

**_Fix it.-Frankie_**

**_Now!-Frankie_**

I didn't respond.

It wasn't necessary.

Ana had been through this huge thing and I knew that she wanted to go back to just being normal but that didn't seem to be working.

Every time that she tried to be happy something bad seemed to happen.

It annoyed me that she kept going through the bad things.

I often felt helpless.

This whole situation was overwhelming for her.

She had pushed for me to keep going because she missed our normal.

She needs everything to stop and she just needs to breathe.

And I needed to let her.

We couldn't rush things because of her needing to come, we needed to get our priorities straight, we still had this trial coming.

There was still bullshit that we had to deal with before any of us could move on and be happy.

We could save being normal for California and so for now I could at least do everything in my power to make sure that she was at least happy.

* * *

I walked into the kitchen and washed my hands before sliding into one of the kitchen chairs.

From the outside, I probably looked lost or dazed but really, I was just forming a plan.

Ana was trusting me to know what to do and to know how to control things...and now was my opportunity to help her find her way.

So much of her past had been filled with violence.

It was hard for Ana to find peace and so when awesome moments are ruined by reminders of what happened to her...that wasn't a good thing.

A big part of me just wanted to force my way into the bathroom and insist that she talk to me.

But that would only be a momentary fix, that I knew.

She would fight to smile for me but her mind would still be working overtime.

She would still worry.

I needed to distract her just long enough for her to remember being happy.

Her birthday was in a week and I wanted her to focus on that...bringing in her 21st birthday sober.

She needed to be proud of it because it was a pretty big deal.

Dr. Clover had stressed to me that I needed to not count her time getting high with Dr. Cray...it hadn't been by choice.

So if we ignored it, she had really been sober since before we got back together, over eight months ago.

I also wanted her to stay excited about performing with Beyoncé.

She was haunted by what that man had done to her and so even though she had been happy, I knew that a big part of it was an act

She was faking her happiness until it became real.

Now that I knew it and could see it...I wouldn't let her fake it any longer.

I had a plan.

First things first, though, we needed to go back to the city.

* * *

I packed up the kids and took their bags out to the car as quietly as I could.

The last thing that I wanted to do was force Ana to leave our house but I felt like it was for the best.

This house was giving her the perfect opportunity to get lost in her head.

Being away from the city while everything with the case was going on, seemed like perfect sense but now I was doubting that decision.

With the way things were going the city was a better choice.

It was closer to our friends and two of Ana's sisters.

Also, Amy's office was in walking distance.

And therapy was definitely something that she really needed.

We had to make our own happiness.

* * *

I was halfway through packing when Ana finally came out of the bathroom.

She was freshly showered and her face was a bit swollen.

Her tears were all dried up and she was trying to smile.

I smiled back and then turned away from her, I wasn't going to push her to speak.

She came up behind me, wrapped her arms my waist and then rested her head on my shoulder.

I didn't speak.

I just continued to pack up our stuff.

_"What cha doing, B?" _

_"Packing."_

_"Are you mad at me?"_

She kissed my neck and I bit back a smile.

_"Nope."_

_"Are you leaving me?" _

She dropped her tight grip on me but kept her arms dangling loosely on my waist.

_"Nope."_

I expected her next move as she gripped me and turned me around.

Our eyes met and I could see how worried she looked.

She smiled nervously and put her hands on my cheeks.

_"Please don't be mad at me, Britt Britt. I'm sorry for acting the way that I did."_

_"I already told you that I'm not mad."_

_"Then what's with the packing?"_

_"We are going back to the city for a while."_

_"Now?"_

I nodded and then leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

_"Yes...the sooner the better."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I hate when B gets all cryptic.

But I trust her.

After everything, it was stupid to storm off like I did.

I knew that it would bother her but that still didn't stop me.

Seeing that blood on her hands had just reminded me of that day.

It made me angry, why couldn't I be better?

Why couldn't I be good enough for my wife?

I just kept putting her through shit that she didn't deserve.

_"Stop."_ Britt said as she handed me my sneakers and shook her head at me.

_"Stop what?"_

_"I can just tell by looking at your face that you are blaming yourself for what happened. Stop it."_

_"Britt, I..."_

_"No need to lie, just stop beating yourself up over it."_

She shot me a look and I dropped my head.

The next words from my mouth were probably a lie...and for what?

Britt definitely knew better by now.

Get it together, Lopez.

Aren't I done letting her down?

Its time to show just how much I trust her.

It was time to have a little faith.

* * *

It took us about an hour to pack up the car with our stuff and the kids, get back to TriBeCa, and get them settled in their beds.

Isaac was going to be so confused when he woke up.

Britt had left me to get the kids settled while she made a midnight run to the store.

Normally, I would have lingered and allowed her to unpack for us but right now, I just needed to distract myself.

So, despite whatever crappy mood I was in, I unpacked our bags and began to clean the apartment.

I had just finished mopping when Britt finally came back.

_"Ana?"_

_"In the kitchen."_ I called out as I poured myself some water.

_"You'll never guess who I ran into down at the store."_

She looked at me with a weird smile.

_"Who?"_

_"Mercedes and Quinn. Apparently she is staying with Q and Celia while she's in town."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Yup and I invited her over for lunch." _

_"Oh, nice."_ I said as I plopped down onto the sofa.

_"You look tired...and it's almost 1...do you want to head to bed?"_

My mind was going a million miles a minute as I looked up at the sparkling eyes of my wife.

I shook my head and let out a sigh.

_"No...I don't think that I can sleep...there is just so much in my head."_

She nodded and sat in front of me, on top of the coffee table.

I sat forward and smiled at her when she rested her hands on my thighs.

_"Lets talk about it." _

_"I don't know..."_

How could I even complain anymore?

I was becoming a bit too whiny for my own liking.

_"What the biggest thing on your mind?"_

_"I just feel like a fucking burden and I'm so tired of it. In high school, I may have been this mega bitch but I was confident. I stood up for myself and I was never this weepy and whiny. I am annoying myself at this point." _

Britt bit on her lip and nodded after I finished ranting.

_"Better?"_

_"What ranting? No...I'm not better!"_ I snapped.

_"Okay so you don't like who you are right now...so what's stopping you from changing those things that you don't like?"_

_"Well...uh..."_ I looked at her for a long moment and then just shrugged. _"Fuck...I don't know, anymore, B." _

See more whining.

Pathetic.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

How could I comfort her when I missed those parts of her more than anyone?

Santana being a badass was something that had attracted me to her...she was everything that I wanted to be.

She was harsh and yet tender.

She was bitter and sweet.

I loved it...and even though I have come to really love the person that she is now...I miss the way she used to be too.

It was like she was happier back then.

_"You're still that person."_ I said even though a part of me thought that it was a lie.

_"I'm not. I don't think that it's even possible for me to be that person again." _

_"There is so much going on with us...but in those in between times...when it's just us and no drama...that part of you comes back." _

_"Oh yea...give me an example?"_

_"Like when I went to spend time with you in your little apartment."_

_"Room is more like it."_ She smiled and I allowed myself to relax for a moment.

I could turn this conversation around...I was sure of it.

_"Whatever you call it...when you were removed from all the drama and bad people, you were the same girl I fell for in that treehouse. The same girl who saved me from getting shot out of a cannon, who beat up Dionne and the same girl who waited for me when I was dumb enough to choose Artie and then Finn...Frankie...and Rachel."_

Her face screwed up and she swallowed hard before getting that annoyed look on her face.

An annoyed look that was old Santana all the way.

_"Your point?"_

_"I'm making it."_

_"Yea?"_ She puffed out her chest and folded her arms before raising her eyebrow.

_"Yep...welcome back, Snixx."_

I kissed her lips really hard and then pulled back.

She had that smirk on her face that told me that something was coming.

In a good way.

And I was right.

* * *

Ana pulled me down onto the sofa with her but what surprised me was that she wasn't all over me.

Instead, she positioned us so that we were just laying there face-to-face, with our arms around each other.

_"You know this would be way more comfortable in our big California King bed?"_ I whispered as I pushed her hair out of her face.

_"I'm not going to let you kill the moment, Britt Britt."_

The smile on her face made my stomach fill with butterflies.

It was a nice feeling.

_"I don't think you are going to lose who you are, Ana. Like ever." _

_"You really believe that?"_

_"Of course, I do."_

_"Thanks, B. I really needed to hear that."_

_"You know what I think you really need?"_

_"What?"_

_"A spa day. Tomorrow after lunch we are going to the salon. You are going to get your fingers and toes done and then we are going to go shopping. A big part of who you are is how you look. You told me once that it was like preparing for war. That every day was so tough and that if you walked into every day prepared for it, that it made things easier. Right?"_

She looked at me and then down at her nails...they were bitten down so low that they were barely visible but that didn't mean she couldn't get them done.

When she looked up at me again, she was smiling.

_"You're right, B." _

_"I know that I am."_

_"I haven't gone to get my nails done...since that day." _

_"I know and that's why I'm going with you. I want you to feel safe."_

_"Thanks, B." _

_"So how about bed?"_

She yawned and then nodded.

It seemed like it was getting easier and easier to talk her out of her funks.

Almost like old times.

She was more like the old Santana than she realized.

* * *

Usually, I oversleep.

I am almost always the last one out of bed.

I'm used to turning over and seeing an empty bed beside me.

Today was different.

When I rolled over there was my wife, hugging a sleeping Izzy and snoring lightly into his hair.

I smiled and took a quick picture with my phone before sliding out of the bed.

Ana had been under so much stress that a little extra sleep would do her good.

Besides, from the looks of it, my son had kept her up long enough to have her sleeping in at eleven on a Friday morning.

When I stepped out into the living room and headed towards the nursery, I could already hear the baby babbling to herself.

She was in a good mood...as usual.

_"Mama. I pee!"_ She squealed as she slapped her hands to her cheeks and giggled.

_"You peed?"_

I picked her up and swung her around.

Her dark eyes shined really bright and her full lips spread into a beautiful smile.

She had Ana's smile.

_"I pee, I pee, I pee!" _

_"Okay...well lets clean you up, so you can pee again." _

_"Yay!" _

She clapped as I put her down on the changing table.

There was nothing about our little girl, that was out of place.

She was everything good about both Marco and Ana.

It was amazing to see her after all the bad stuff that had happened between them.

Dani was such a happy little girl and it was my hope that she stayed that way for the rest of her life.

* * *

I was dancing towards the kitchen with Dani still giggling in my arms when there was a knock at the door.

Ana still wasn't awake even though Mercedes should be here any minute.

That minute was now.

Back in Glee, I never really spent much time with Mercedes, even with her performing with Ana so much, our paths never really crossed.

You wouldn't know any of that though, because when I opened the door, she wrapped me and the baby in a big hug.

_"Britt! Girl it's so good to see you!"_

_"It's good to see you too. Say hi, Dani." _

_"Hi, Dani!"_ The baby babbled before slapping a hand over her mouth and pulling it away.

_"Is she blowing me kisses? Aww!"_

I opened the door and waited for Mercedes to walk in before closing it again.

_"So the kitchen is-"_

She cut me off and put her hands on her hips.

_"Where's Santana?"_

_"Still in bed." _

_"It's almost noon...why is she still in bed?"_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Shit!" _I cried out when I felt the bed dip and a body nearly knock me backwards.

_"Who you?" _Isaac asked with that attitude in his voice.

_"Well hello, mini Santana, I'm Mercedes." _

My eyes popped open and sure enough there was Aretha staring at me with a big grin on her face.

_"I Izzy...this Mami." _He said as he patted my boob.

Aretha looked up at me and chuckled.

_"Good afternoon, girl. Get up." _

_"Ugh...you have no idea wh-" _I started to complain about Isaac keeping me up until four in the morning with stomach pains but she put her hand up.

_"No excuses. Lets get moving. I'm hijacking your day, courtesy of Lady B herself." _

_"Britt?"_

_"No silly, Beyoncé. You and I have sound check tonight because she is making some kind of big announcement and doesn't want any loopholes. She's such a perfectionist! I love it! So we have to get you looking cute."_

_"Seriously?" _I sat up and pulled my son into my lap.

His face was scrunched up and he had his arms over his chest.

He hated not being the center of attention but he was just going to have to get over it.

I gave him plenty of attention the night before.

_"Yes...so get up and get dressed."_

_"Where's Britt?"_

_"In the kitchen making lunch."_

_"Is it really that late?"_

_"Yes...so hurry up, chop chop!" _She clapped her hands loudly and then hopped from the bed.

_"Chop chop, Mami!"_

* * *

I couldn't contain my excitement as I climbed into the town car with Mercedes.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like regular old Santana, out on an adventure.

Britt was going to pick up Beth and was just going to treat the kids to a day out.

So I didn't have to worry about neglecting them.

They were even invited to the sound check later so that was a definite plus.

_"Girl, I don't think that I have ever seen you smile so much!" _

_"Yea?"_

_"Yes...it's a start."_

I looked at her and could see the worry in her eyes past her smile.

_"What are you referring to Wheezy?"_

_"Between Rachel, Quinn, Kurt and Puck, I pretty much know everything that has been going on with you and I do not like what I'm hearing. You need a change pace asap which why I was excited to hear that you are moving to LA." _

_"They just straight up told you all of my business?"_

I wanted to be mad.

But really...it wasn't like I didn't trust Mercedes.

It just hurt that I was the gossip.

In high school when I was all about my rep, it would have been a good thing but my life has been no day in the park.

Everything that I had gone through since my 18th birthday had been just a shit storm of drama.

So knowing people were getting their rocks off by telling people all over the country just made me a bit annoyed...even if it was just Mercedes.

_"Yep and I'm glad that they did because I'm here for you. I am going to make sure that you don't forget your dreams. Singing and dancing was the best part of your day back in glee club and hopefully with my help, it will be again...well next to those gorgeous babies of yours."_

_"They are adorable right?"_

_"Absolutely. They are precious and so that should be even more motivation for you to let go of all the pain. Holding on to it isn't helping. You aren't living. Aren't you tired of not letting your light shine?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Then stop letting people steal your joy and get on with living. Life is way too short to spend another minute wallowing in self-pity."_

_"You got that right. I really appreciate you saying that, I don't know if I can handle a huge work schedule with Britt going back to school and wanting to be home with the kids but I do want to make some changes when we get out to LA."_

_"Starting now, right?"_

_"I am going to try...I guess I'm a bit intimidated to put myself out there."_

_"Listen, the tour is great but honestly, I'm glad that it was only ten city tour because I really miss being on campus and just hanging with my friends. It's good to do this singing thing but it's also good to have a life and I think that is exactly what you need. A fresh start at having a good life."_

_"I couldn't have said it better myself." _

* * *

Everything was good.

We ate lunch, we shopped and we even sang in the car.

It was good to just be able to be young and carefree.

But of course...there was still the lingering fears.

The moment that we stepped into the nail salon, I froze.

It was nothing like the one in Brooklyn, this place was high-end but the smell was the same.

My first response was to flee but I was with the right person.

_"Enough with that. The Santana Lopez that I know and love wouldn't let anyone stop her from looking fly. So whatever you fears or memories that you've got going on, push them to the side, girl, because you can't let that bastard win. God is with you and so am I."_

I looked over at her and could see that she had walked ahead to check us in.

She wasn't going to babysit me.

Which now that I think about it...is basically what everyone does with me.

I don't need that...she was right, I didn't want to let him win.

This was a step in the direction of getting back to myself.

I took a deep breath, shook out my hands and decided that nobody was going to steal my stride.

_"Okay."_ I said as I stepped next to her at the reception desk.

_"Okay."_ She said, simply as she grabbed two white robes from the receptionist._ "Lets go get our hair did...shall we?"_

_"Where have you been all my life?"_

_"Cool your jets, Lopez, I don't swing that way!" _

I let out a genuine laugh and felt myself relax.

Getting back to myself was happening.

I could do it.

I just needed to remember my faith and claim my happiness.

* * *

By the time that I walked onto the stage for my sound check, I felt like a completely different person.

My nails and my skin were shining, I was in a new outfit and my usually pinned up locks were flowing around my shoulders.

Mercedes walked beside me until we reached the glimmering silver piano and then she opened her arms for me.

I stepped into the hug feeling a sense of happiness with who I was and filled with a spirit that was much lighter and stronger.

_"Thank you for today."_ I whispered.

_"Praise...it was definitely a good time. We shall do it more when you get out to L.A. In the mean time...start playing and don't worry about all the drama. Give the struggles to God and you just worry about being amazing."_

_"You really think I can do it?"_

_"I have no doubts...otherwise, we wouldn't be here."_

She stepped back and pinched my cheeks.

The balls on this chick.

_"Way to spoil it, Wheezy." _

_"There's my satan! You were getting way too sappy. Now get to playing!"_

_"Thanks."_

_"No problem...show her how they do it in Lima Heights."_

_"Will do!"_

* * *

Everything was set up for me as I began to play the notes that I hadn't played in months.

This song was something that I wrote during my one drunken night upstate in Lima.

I had drowned myself in too many shots of Whiskey and ended up puking in the shower.

I had called Rachel and cried so hard on the phone that I scared her into driving six hours in the snow.

She had insisted that I sit down at the piano and just play from my heart while she drove to me.

Without her, the song probably wouldn't even exist.

For a while, I was convinced that if I could do high school over and had to just choose one club, that I would drop Glee without a second's hesitation.

Now, though, I'm not so sure.

Both the Cheerios and Glee made me so much of who I am.

Sue had instilled so much strength in me and was an amazing mentor when I was just starting to lose my way.

And the Glee kids...for the most part, really were turning out to be saving graces.

Rachel Berry was the bane of my existence back then but now...without her...I probably wouldn't be on this stage.

I heard the clicking of heels coming from behind me but I didn't stop playing, not even when the clicking stopped.

Of course, that didn't mean that I wasn't aware of the presence looming behind me.

I played out the last few chords and then rested my fingers on the keys, stroking them lightly and thanking God for bringing me here.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The stage was where she was meant to be.

Watching her keep her cool while she shook hands with not only Beyoncé but John Legend, amazed me because I was freaking out.

The only thing that was keeping me calm was the sleeping baby in my arms.

I felt a little hand tap my leg and looked over at Izzy who sat on Quinn's lap.

_"Yes, Izzy?"_

_"Look, it's Mami."_ He yelled pointing at the stage.

I put a finger to my lips.

_"Yay...use your inside voice, okay?"_

He nodded and put a finger to his lips.

_"You see Mami?"_ He whispered to Quinn.

_"Where?"_

He pointed wildly at the stage until Quinn nodded her head.

_"Oh...wow...I see, Mami...what's she doing up there?"_

_"Mami a star, right Mama?"_ Izzy looked at me with wide eyes and waited for my response.

I didn't think that he was listening when I told Quinn about Ana being my star, earlier...but apparently he was.

_"Yes, she's our star."_

* * *

Ana had played me bits and pieces of the song that she had written but I had never heard the words.

The only thing that stuck out was the chorus, a chorus that Ana was singing along with my biggest idol.

It was one single sentence repeated over and over again with a crazy piano melody behind it.

**_Through the hurt and the pain, the in's and the out's, I will push right on through...until there are no more doubts that my love is always and only with you._**

By the time the song was over, I was weeping against Dani's little shoulder.

That line spoke straight to my heart.

Straight to my soul.

* * *

The music stopped and I looked up onto the stage and was met by a longing gaze.

Ana was staring right at me and until our eyes met, she had looked concerned but the moment that our eyes locked, she smiled.

It was the most beautiful smile that I had ever seen.

And it was all for me.

She held up her hand and blew kisses to us.

I looked down when I heard a smacking noise and could see that Dani was awake and she was blowing kisses right back to her Mami.

It was one of those moments that you just want to capture forever because it was so perfect.

There was so much love.

So much light.

And it just served to remind me that through all the battles that we went through, that we would continue to fight, and that we were in this together.

Always.

Everyday, Ana gave me more reasons to want to fight for us.

We were in this together, the smile on her face as she got up and waved me up on the stage to meet my idol, just made my heart sing.

God I love her!

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Britt's face lit up as she hugged Beyoncé like they were old friends.

The night had been amazing and so by the time that we got back to the apartment, we both felt like nothing could ruin that.

And thankfully nothing did.

We put the kids to bed and had a late dinner on the couch while watching Aladdin.

_"So a whole new world?" _

That was my dorky way of making conversation with my wife.

Britt though is always quick when I'm slow.

_"It seems like we are already there."_

Britt wrapped her arm around me and pulled me against her.

_"I think that's because we are."_ I said as I leaned into her neck and kissed her chin.

_"Did you like spending time with Mercedes?"_

_"Definitely. We talked a lot about dreams. I told her about the recording studio that you had built and she made me promise that I would show it to her."_

_"Will you?"_

_"I think I'll do more than that...we haven't done a duet in so long. I think that the world needs it."_

_"I think you need it."_

_"I do but you know what I need more?"_

She was staring at the screen blankly but from the way that her head was tilted towards me, I could tell that I had her attention.

_"What?"_

_"Sexy times."_

She shot me a look and I knew that she thought that what I was talking about was a replay of the night before.

And yea, that would be nice but it wasn't possible at the moment.

_"Ana..." _She paused the movie and then turned towards me before placing her hands on either side of my face._ "We ca-"_

I shook my head and kissed her before she could continue.

_"Not me silly...no, I needs me some Britt Britt."_

I winked and pressed my lips against her face.

She needed a super kiss and so I gave her one.

When I pulled back, I could see how badly she was blushing, her face was beat red.

The ability to make her do that after all this time, tells me that I'm definitely doing something right.

* * *

I had sent Britt off to shower while I cleaned up the mess that we made.

We are such grown ups!

I closed our bedroom door behind me and could hear that she was still in the shower, so I took the opportunity to strip down to my bra and panties.

Then I turned on the flameless candles all over the room and pulled the sheets back on the bed.

By the time that Britt stepped into the bedroom, I was standing by the door ready to pull her towel off.

She smiled when I took her towel and beginning with her arms, I began to dry her body.

She was breathing heavily by the time that I was kneeling so that I could dry her legs.

I could smell her and had to restrain myself from attacking her right then.

I had a plan.

_"I love you." _She moaned when I stood to my feet and tossed the towel towards the hamper.

_"Always and only you, B."_ I said as I pushed her backwards into the bed.

She rested back on her elbows and waited for me as I stood there and looked at her.

Britt was a goddess.

She was one of the blessings in my life that I was pushing to be worthy of.

But first I had let go of the idea of perfection.

I was no saint.

So being devilish came easy.

I grabbed the lotion from the dresser and then walked back to the bed.

_"Lay on your stomach, B."_

She tried to hide her smile as she turned over.

But Britt has never been good at that.

_"Is this good, babe?"_ She whispered before biting her lip.

My skin tingled at the endearment.

This was going to be fun.

_"Perfect, babe." _I muttered before straddling her back.

She groaned when I made sure to push my core against her back.

_"You are so hot." _She moaned. _"Fuck."_

_"Oh, I plan to."_

* * *

_I rubbed the lotion down her back and up her legs before focusing my attention on her ass._

She kept moaning into the pillow just from my rubbing so when I pressed my lips against her back and then the top of her ass she cursed.

_"Fuck!"_

_"Patience...now turn over and open your leg-"_

I barely got my sentence out before she turned completely over.

I moved out of her way as she opened her legs wide.

When I kneeled between her legs, I could see that her inner thighs were glistening.

_"You okay, B?"_

She raised her eyebrows and bit hard on her lips.

I leaned forward as kissed her forehead before mindlessly returning to my task as if I hadn't seen how aroused she was.

_"Oh God...oh!" _She gritted out as my fingers traced over the tops of her thighs before bypassing her core and moving to her shins._ "You're such a tease?"_

_"Do you want me to stop?" _I said without looking up.

The panic in her tone was evident and it took everything in me not to burst out laughing.

_"God, no...p-please don't stop."_

I finally laid between her legs and scooted up until I was laying between them and staring directly at the center of her.

_"I love you, B."_ I said before blowing across the wetness.

_"Oh...I love you!" _She yelped.

_"Shhh...don't wake the kids."_ I whispered before dragging my tongue from her entrance up to her clit and then back down again.

_"Mmmm." _She groaned.

I was insanely turned on and so even though I wanted to continue teasing, I needed more of her.

Which is why no more than a minute later I was drowning in her essence while she held my face against her.

I kept alternating between licking and sucking and the sounds coming from her just egged me on.

_"Oh...oh Ana...baby...so good...ohhhhh." _She whispered as her hips began to jerk.

I held her down as best as I could but I was no match for my pretty dancer.

She came a few seconds later and then when I pushed my fingers deep inside, she came again and again before finally falling flat against the bed.

She grazed my face with her finger tips and urged me to move.

_"You okay?" _I asked as I climbed up and hovered over her on my elbows.

She smiled up at me.

_"Perfect."_

She pulled me down on top of her and rubbed my back until I fell into a blissful sleep.

I spent that whole night cradled in her arms, feeling unstoppable.

Feeling like I was home.

I was putting what I felt into practice.

Loving Britt was what I was born to do and I wouldn't let my own insecurities get in my way, ever again.

* * *

_**A/N: Love! **_


	64. Chapter 64:Love On Top

**Chapter 64: Love On Top (Beyoncé)**

* * *

_**I spent that whole night cradled in her arms, feeling unstoppable.**_

_**Feeling like I was home.**_

_**I was putting what I felt into practice.**_

_**Loving Britt was what I was born to do and I wouldn't let my own insecurities get in my way, ever again.**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

When I woke up on Saturday morning, two things happened at once.

My phone began to ring just as Ana was walking into the bedroom carrying a tray of food.

She was smiling really huge, proud of herself for doing something nice for me and so I ignored my phone, deciding that she was way more important.

I sat up, feeling a little sore since we had spent the night, half sleeping, half doing things very sexy.

It was a nice little marathon, because it gave us the opportunity to know each other again.

_"Good afternoon, sleepy head."_ She said with a really raspy voice.

_"Mmm...how do you get sexier and sexier?"_

_"You keep my sexy, Britt Britt." _

_"Mmm...good to know. So you cooked for me?"_ I said as I rested my head against the headboard before suddenly realizing just how quiet it was. _"Where are the kids?"_

_"Ahh...while you slept...I had a busy morning. Our children are currently with my mother. After everything that me and Wheezy talked about yesterday, it dawned on me that I needed to right some wrongs...including not holding onto things that I have no control over. I was planning on keeping the kids from my mom until she sought us out and that was unfair of me, what happened in my past and with me doesn't have anything to do with her relationship with them. We are leaving soon and I can't in good conscience be the one to leave holding onto any residual hurt. I had to let it go."_

I felt so proud but I didn't want to make a big deal about it.

She was making a choice based on her own decisions and she hadn't really been doing that for a long time, some of it because of her and some of it because of me taking over.

But this choice, this decision is one that I am glad that she came to her all on its own, because while Gladys may have done some really bad things and made poor choices in the past, I know for a fact that she loves my wife more than her own life.

Life is just too short to hold grudges...Ari learned that the hard way and I didn't want Ana to go through that same thing, so even though I wasn't really feeling the way that she had planned to cut her mom off, I wasn't going to step in.

She had to get to this point on her own and I'm glad she did, sooner rather than later.

_"Come sit with me."_ I patted the bed beside me and waited for her to sit next to me and watched as she pulled her legs up to her chin and rested her head on top of her knees. _"Did you eat?"_ I asked, hoping that she hadn't gone the whole morning without eating because I wasn't there to watch over her.

She smiled and then ran her hand up and down my arm.

_"Yes...I ate oatmeal with fresh strawberries and had a really big latte. When I dropped the kids off...Mami insisted that I try some pasteles that Pa had made and so I did. I brought some back for you...they are in the freezer."_

I smiled really big, excited that I got to have some Spanish food in the near future.

One of my life goals was to live in Puerto Rico and learn the culture that had given me such an amazing Latina as my wife.

Plus the food is really, really good!

* * *

I didn't say another word as I took the big spoon that she had given me and scooped my eggs onto a biscuit and then dunked it in syrup.

_"Eat slower."_ She whispered as I ate half the sandwich in one bite.

I looked over at her and could see that she had been watching me as she hugged her knees.

Her mind was really busy and I could see from the crease between her eyebrows that she wanted to talk to me about something.

But Ana was more patient then she gave herself credit for, she sat there and just quietly waited for the right moment.

So I nodded and swallowed the mouth full of food before taking another, smaller bite.

My phone buzzed again but I didn't even pay attention to it as I finished off the sandwich.

_"Are you okay?"_ I asked before drinking my orange juice.

She smiled again and then cleared her throat.

_"I will be...for now...finish up so that we can shower."_

Something was up.

But she was being strategic.

The old Ana would just blurt stuff out, regardless of how her words hurt others.

Now though, she was much more laid back and she knew how to wait for what she wanted.

It was something that I was truly learning to love.

No more, waking me up to tell me her deepest secrets or calling me and saying that we needed to talk.

Now she waited for the right moment...thank God.

* * *

I stood at the back of the shower and just watched Ana as she slowly poured soap onto a loofah.

_"Can I wash you?"_ She said looking at me shyly.

This was totally a strange experience.

She was being extra gentle, extra kind...something was definitely up.

Of course, I wasn't going to pass up the chance to be pampered by her so I just nodded and relaxed myself as she got my loofah lathered up.

The moment that Ana touched my skin, it was like I was possessed as I wrapped my hands around her waist and pulled her against me.

_"Kiss me."_ I said as I looked down into her dark eyes.

She smiled and met my lips with a crushing kiss and I knew immediately that my lips would be swollen later.

This reminded me of our old kisses, from when we first started hooking up.

And that's when it hit me...it was like we had gone back in time...this was Ana, as she was when we first met.

Shy, sweet and passionate.

Could one night on a stage?

One spa day?

One night of hot sex, have turned the clock back to when we were just barely sixteen?

A time where being together hurt just as much as being apart...

* * *

We pulled away from each other after a few moments, breathless and giggling.

_"I love you so much, Ana Banana."_

_"I love you too, B."_ She was smiling so hard that her eyes got small but I still saw something in them.

But she played it off well as she took a step backwards under the water,

We were still connected by my arms around her, so I moved with her.

We were suddenly under a waterfall and I couldn't tell if they were real tears or not.

She let out a hiccup and then coughed before turning around and leaning against me.

I rested my cheek against hers as I held her tight.

_"Tell me what's bothering you."_ I whispered.

She shook her head.

_"It's nothing...okay...that's a lie. It's something and it's big but right now...I just want to make everything stop and enjoy this. Enjoy you." _

_"You can't enjoy this if you are fighting tears, Ana."_

She stomped her foot and I couldn't help but smile as I thought of our son.

He was so much of his mother.

Ana turned and stepped back again.

_"I can't cry anymore! Enough is enough...I just want to move forward. I want to finally be at a place in my life where there are no more fucking tears and I think that should start now!" _

I nodded in understanding.

She had cried more in the last two years than she ever had.

She was moving back to being someone who was much stronger.

This reaction was no surprise to me.

What was a surprise, more for her than me, was me stepping forward and pulling her into my arms.

_"But with me...I want you to stay open. Cry with me if you need to. Don't shut yourself up...I can't be here for you if you hold it in. I won't think that you're weak. I promise." _

I tried to be as soothing as possible as I felt her body tremble.

She was trying not to cry still, so I kissed her shoulder and began to rub her back.

There was sniffle.

And immediately after that sniffle, she broke away from my arms and stepped back again.

Her eyes were darker than ever and her crease between her eyebrows was even deeper as she looked up at me in frustration.

_"I won't stop being vulnerable with you, B...but I won't...ever shed another tear over that man. Please understand that...please?"_

What man?

Marco or Dr. Cray? Or Hector or Aden?

Which man?

_"Who?"_

_"Not here...please." _She squeaked out as she began to run the loofah across my skin again.

I put my hands on her upper arms and pulled her away from me.

_"Look at me." _

She kept her eyes down and kept working on scrubbing my stomach.

_"I can't." _She croaked.

_"Fuck...please...look at me, Santana." _I growled.

She flinched at the mention of her full name and then slowly raised her head.

It was probably only a split second but in my mind she was moving so slowly.

Maybe because I was watching her every movement.

Her jaw was twitching as her wet hair clung to her face.

The loofah in her hands was shaking so badly as she clenched it between her hands, allowing the soap suds to squeeze out,

And even though I couldn't see her eyes just yet, I could see her sucking her lips into her mouth.

She was trying to show some courage in the face of my questions.

Finally, after watching her be nervous and anxious, her eyes met mine.

There was so much fire in her eyes that it made me shiver.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I sat on the roof looking at the gray sky trying my best to decide on a destination.

Celia had come to me the night before and told me how she had just been offered a job as the curator of a museum.

A museum in Boston.

She told me that she wanted to take it but only if I was going with her.

Her gallery was making enough money on its own that she didn't need to be there to oversee it.

I was at Columbia and it was a great school but I wasn't happy there.

It was June and if I wanted...I could still try to get into Harvard.

Transferring between Ivy League schools with a perfect GPA should be a cinch but there was one thing grounding me to New York...

Beth.

* * *

Puck and Rachel were settled in their new home in Brooklyn, with their son on the way and Beth was doing well at her school.

She and I were just reconnecting and so I was worried that moving away from her would put a strain on our relationship.

I was about to start my junior year of undergrad and I was only getting busier, once I started med school things were going to get even crazier.

But I knew...that I was no ordinary undergrad...I wasn't starving, I had money in my pocket and I was about to get married to someone who owned their own private jet.

I could fly to my daughter...or I could fly her to me.

Celia and Beth loved each other like crazy and so with her working a steady job in Boston, I knew that when I wasn't available...she could be.

And then there was Puck's idea...an idea that scared me more than anything.

I could take her with me.

She wasn't in official school yet and so her being with me wouldn't interfere, especially since the preschools around Harvard are some of the best in the country.

He was worried because he and Rachel had this baby coming and with his work schedule, he didn't think that Beth would get the attention that she deserved.

The last thing that either of us wanted was her to feel tossed to the side again.

Shelby had left her with abandonment issues at such a young age and if it hadn't been for Puck stepping in the way that he did, she would be worse off.

But God intervened.

At least in my opinion.

* * *

_"Thinking hard again, Luce?"_

I smiled to myself and leaned further against the ledge of the rooftop.

The ring on my finger while too big to wear as a future surgeon...glimmered as I looked down at it.

_"When am I not thinking?"_

I felt the strong arms wrap around my waist and leaned into the comfort that surrounded me.

_"Is it about Boston?"_

_"It's about Beth."_

_"Do you want to know what I think?"_

I nodded and turned my head to meet her dark green eyes.

She smiled at me and her dimples stood out.

_"Tell me."_ I whispered before kissing her chin and then her plump lips.

_"That Puck is giving you a golden opportunity to have a great relationship with your daughter. While you are in undergrad, you have more time than you realize. Trust me...I know. You will have so much freedom up there...you won't have to work...just school and Beth. Who knows what medical school will be like but if it's as crazy as Mari says...this time right now...maybe the most free time that you have until your residency is over...seize it. I will back you up and you already know that Puck does. You have joint custody now...put it to good use."_

_"But what if don't get into Harvard?"_

_"I don't think you will have an issue...I think the internship at the Mayo Clinic, the perfect grade point average and the fact that you've got the whole overcoming adversity angle...that you should be fine."_

_"I guess, I should make some phone calls."_

I went to step out of her embrace but she pulled me close again.

_"Wait." _She whispered against my ear.

_"Ceily..." _I muttered but she sucked on the spot just behind my ear and it stopped my words.

_"I've been talking to Brittany and there is something that I need your help with...kind of like...a favor to ask?"_

Was she nervous?

Ceily is the most confident person that I knew...

_"What is it?"_

_"Well..."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

She hesitated.

When I stood there feeling the weight of the water hitting my shoulders and lifted my head to meet her eyes, it was the hardest thing for me to do, right then.

I was at war with my emotions.

Here I was, trying to be strong and caring and she was asking me to break.

In my eyes, the emotion must have been evident because she opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

Her jaw just hung there as she stared into my eyes.

Blue orbs jumped back and forth between mine and made the moment intense times a thousand.

And then when she hesitated, all the fog cleared.

I had a moment of self-pity a moment before but now I didn't.

She wanted me to not hold her in suspense and I got that.

Maybe I just needed to explain how I felt in a better way...isn't that what I did when we were first together?

Didn't I used to explain where my head was?

It helped more than I had realized.

But just to be sure...I put it to the test.

I rested my hands on her waist, dropping the soapy loofah and allowing my touch to show her how much I wanted to be connected to her.

_"Britt, I understand that I am taking forever to tell you what happened and I get how frustrating that must be. I promise that after we get out of the shower and get dressed that I will tell you everything. Right now though, I just need time to stop...I need to just be here in this moment, with you. Last night and early this morning when I made love to you, over and over again and then you...found a way to love me...it helped me to stay connected to reality and cleared the last bit of the fog in my brain. I get that we have to stay open with each other and I will. Just, if you would allow it, can we just enjoy us? Please?"_

Her hesitation turned almost immediately.

I saw recognition in her eyes.

And then her nose scrunched up and her freckles stood out just as her eyes started to sparkle.

There was no lip biting or raised eyebrows.

Instead her face lit up like Christmas.

_"Why didn't you just say so?"_ She said with a smirk.

I felt relief wash over me and couldn't contain it so I wrapped her in my arms and squeezed her tight.

This is why it would always and only be her.

Britt just got me...better than I got myself.

She could turn my moods like the tide and God was I grateful for that.

I knew that I would follow her to the end of the galaxy and so I followed her into laughter.

I followed her into bliss and a comfortable stillness that has always existed between us.

A loudmouth and a dancer...meeting in the middle and just delighting in one another.

How fucking poetic!

* * *

_"Well hello ladies, Brittany it is great to see you, Santana didn't tell me that you were coming!" _

_"It's nice to see you too, Amy. I didn't even know that Ana had an appointment until we got out of the car."_

I smiled at Amy and then led Britt to my usual chair before moving to lean against the bookcase.

Last night she had been a little rough with my ass and it still hurt to sit.

But I had warned her in the car so she had been expecting it.

Amy though...hadn't.

_"Being evasive...are we? Do I want to know why you aren't sitting?"_

I blushed and could feel my smile spreading as I looked over at Britt who was blushing just as much before looking over at Amy.

_"Not really...no."_

She nodded and then turned to dig something out of her desk drawer.

When she sat up again, she had an inflatable doughnut covered in pink fuzz in her hand.

_"Here, take this...I get how it is...sometimes games in the bedroom can make it tough to function the next day."_

She winked back at me and I was seriously speechless.

Like who knew that my therapist was kinky?

I took the pillow and dropped it onto the arm-chair before easing down on it.

My body betrayed me as I let out a huge sigh that I hadn't been able to hold in.

_"Thank you...please tell me how of all the people who I am going to miss in our move to LA...how do I feel like I am going to miss you the most? You are just perfect for me!"_

Amy just blushed and then cleared her throat.

Now she was the one squirming in her chair.

Priceless!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was sitting there watching them have their own conversation while thoughts bounced around in my head.

My questions still hadn't been answered and I was getting a bit impatient about it.

They started talking about spanking and I held my hands up.

_"Okay, okay...look...when you are no longer her patient...you can invite her over and discuss this stuff over coffee but right now...I can't wait anymore. Ana please?"_

I pouted and she smiled really big before shooting Amy a look.

_"Britt's been waiting since she woke up for me to tell her about what I told you earlier."_ She said, pointing out the fact that she did seriously, have a busy morning.

I swallowed my little spark of anger and just nodded.

_"So can I know? Please?"_

Ana nodded and then cleared her throat.

_"Brittany,"_ Full name, I swallowed hard. _"When I called Amy this morning in a panic about what Mami told me, she insisted that I come in this morning. So I was going to come alone but then...somewhere between hanging up with her and our shower earlier...I decided that having you here while I talk about it is the best way for me to handle it. Does that make sense?"_

_"It's annoying but it's better than you turning to other things to deal with your problems like...bigger problems." _

I know that I finished lamely but I didn't want to bring up things that we were supposed to be moving past.

She sighed and looked at me more determined.

_"You can say it...like drugs and alcohol." _

_"You have never been a drunk...it's always been the drugs." _I said feeling like she was forcing me to be more blunt but that's not how I work.

Today though...we seemed to be playing by a different set of rules.

She was trying to be the old Santana and the new one at the same time and I hadn't been prepared for it.

Because I wasn't the old Brittany anymore.

I wasn't in a haze of medication.

My head was fully in reality, I was more connected to my emotions...so this was a big change for me.

One she hadn't given me time to be ready for.

But...when you dance...you have to be prepared.

Broken bones, bruises, falls and slips...be prepared for the unthinkable.

Broadway had taught me a serious life lesson and now I was using it to deal with my ever changing wife.

* * *

_"That's true and thank you for being honest. Now its my turn." _

_"Good...go ahead."_

_"Okay...So, with all of the stuff between us...Mami is still my lawyer and for some reason, I forgot that, so when I called and told her that I wanted to apologize for keeping the kids away from her. She seemed super relieved that I had called. We talked and I did let her know that I still needed space and that I was still working through stuff when it came to her. She seemed sad but she thanked me for not keeping the kids away."_

_"Well, I'm glad that you did that." _I whispered, rubbing at my neck and swallowing as I started feeling my throat get tight.

_"Anyway, she fed me and then brought out her file on the case. Apparently...my civil charges against him got dropped and because of that...the trial got moved up...like a lot. Like the case starts June 23rd."_

My heart started racing...that was a little over a week away.

This was why she didn't want to waste anymore tears.

Dr. Cray was apparently not going down without a fight.

_"So that's it...he won't pay for what he did to you that day?"_

_"Not unless I appeal...and honestly, B...I don't want to. I feel like I should focus my attention on the big trial. Work on testifying, I feel like he would have dragged my name through the mud and made things really bad for me. I've done a lot of bad things, B...and I could go to jail for them. I would never get the chance to accomplish my dreams and the kids would have to deal with my past hanging over their heads. So, instead, I want to help the feds nail that bastard to the wall, leave New York and never look back."_

It was a lot to take in.

But it was nothing that we couldn't handle.

Of course, I was really, really upset.

There had to be strong evidence for them to just drop the charges.

And that's when I saw it,

Ana was playing with her hands in her lap and it got my attention.

Rubbing palms...

I looked up into her eyes and could see the way her pupils were jumping.

If I didn't know any better, I would think she was withdrawing or even high...even if I knew that she wasn't.

Right?

_"Tell me what else you did this morning?"_

I regretted it the moment that I said it.

Because she could tell just by my tone that I was accusing her of breaking her sobriety.

Could that be why she dropped the kids off?

Was that why she wanted to talk to me in front of Amy.

Was the back up me or for her?

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

My body soared through the air and just as I was about to crash, face first into the floor, firm hands clasped my waist and I hovered there, feet perfectly pointed toward the sky almost bent to be parallel with my outstretched arms.

It was a pose that had been used in the advertisements for the production.

And it was my favorite because it was the hardest, it involved exact precision and timing on my part and that of my partner's.

Grady tells me that it was him that helped Brittany come up with it and not Tony...I've never argued it because Grady always seems to be right where he needs to be, whereas Tucker has nearly broken my face a few times.

Right now, Grady's fingers dug into my slim hip that was still trying to find some meat after my recent bout with the big C.

I was in remission...all cells still non-existent...of course I was still checking bi-weekly to make sure, it seemed it just wasn't there.

_"Ready?"_ Grady grunted as he tapped his middle finger against my stomach.

_"Go."_ I said preparing myself to be tossed about ten feet into the air.

He swung me and just like we had practiced, I spun myself as if I was twirling on a silk...it was flawless as gravity took hold.

When my body began to drop, my heart was racing but I smiled as I pivoted my hips and landed in Grady's arms, that were behind him.

My arms came down on his shoulders and my hands met on his chest.

I rested my face against the crook of his neck and took a deep steadying breath before lifting my eyes and looking out into the auditorium.

_"So?"_ I breathed out as Grady slowly put me on the floor.

Britt stood there arms wrapped around herself with Anita lingering just a step behind her, looking at me with wide eyes.

It was a long pause and then a huge smile spread across Britt's face.

_"That was amazing!"_ She said while clapping her hands together.

Grady patted me on the back and then kissed the top of my head.

_"You did good, Tink. See you tonight."_

* * *

When I had shown Grady the moves and told him how I wanted to run it by Britt before showing it to our new choreographer, he seemed really nervous.

I had been calling her all morning with no answer so Grady and I went about practicing at the old theater on the Hudson but then Britt called and said that she got my messages and that she was on her way.

When I told Grady, he got all nervous and nearly dropped me.

He had confessed to me that he was still in love with Brittany and how he avoided her these days as if his life depended on it, however, he would do it for me.

He had taken to calling me Tink because of my small stature and my blonde hair and it actually made me smile.

We had become closer lately with Gloria leaving back home as soon as the semester ended a month back.

I had tried like crazy to get her to forgive me, she had just said that she would really rather that we took a break from talking to each other.

After sticking by my side through everything, I felt like it was what she deserved.

But I really missed her and Grady was being great about it.

When he walked off the stage, I could see that Ana's eyebrows were raised and Britt's face was tight.

She almost looked jealous.

I moved to sit on the edge of the stage and Britt stepped closer.

Anita though just sat in the first row and didn't move.

Something was going on between them but Britt didn't show anything.

Only Anita did and that's only if you know her well.

Because she was smiling at me.

_"I think that it was great, Ari. Mike is going to be super excited to include that in the show."_

_"You think so?"_

_"Yea...my only issue is that it is going to be something that is physically exhausting...is something that can be taught to your understudy?"_

I shrugged.

Katie was okay but she wasn't as good as me or Brittany.

_"I'm not so sure about that." _

_"Well...I'm sure that you guys will figure it out, something that you need to remember though when creating moves for a show as big as this one...is that someone has to follow you up."_

I nodded, I knew that she was trying to help but she was really raining on my parade.

She touched my knee and I looked up at her in shock.

We rarely touched like this.

It was weird but calming.

_"It's fine, Britt. I really appreciate the criticism." _

_"It was amazing...in fact, I think I would have loved to try it...I just think that I can...not with Grady."_

She was searching my eyes for something.

_"It's not like that between him and me. I'm a lesbian, Britt."_

She smiled.

_"Oh I know...it's just with the history between us, being near each other is hard. Frankly...if I never see him again, it will be okay with me."_

_"You don't think that's a bit much?"_

_"Nope. He begged to have lunch with me and Ana and then bailed on us. He keeps harassing me and I just don't want any part in him. I want happy stuff in my life and he doesn't remind me of happy." _

_"I get it." _

_"Anyway," _She looked back at Anita and then back at me._ "I have to get Ana down to her sound check. She's performing tonight at the Garden...you are going right?"_

_"Yea...uh...with Marco." _

_"Hmmm...cool! Okay well, see ya!"_

* * *

All of that talk and Anita didn't do anything but wave at me.

She was definitely not being herself and I was going to make sure to call her tomorrow to see what the heck was going on.

I didn't like seeing her like this.

So...controlled.

It gives me the creeps!

I kept replaying the look in her eyes over and over again as I made my way home.

She looked like she was hiding something.

Was she hurting?

Scared?

Nerves?

That had to be it...she was playing tonight in front of a big audience...maybe that was it?

Right?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was supposed to be at sound check soon but before she dropped me off, Britt insisted that we stop.

So we stopped at Central Park and began to walk past the perfect summer scene.

Couples snuggling on the grass eating lunch, joggers with happy little babies in strollers and then there was Britt who was walking a step ahead of me and pulling me towards the water.

Britt always found peace around any body of water, especially if that water had ducks.

She was holding tight to my sweaty, shaky hand.

A hand that I rather she not hold at the moment...I just wanted to be at my rehearsal and not have to deal with anything even remotely heavy.

Because ever since I had seen her scrutinizing my movements earlier, my nerves have increased.

And then there was the way that she asked me what else I had done this morning, looking angry and sad, as if she didn't trust me.

I knew that this detour through the park was her way of giving me a chance to come clean.

The only thing was that there was nothing to come clean about, at least not in the way that she's thinking.

But if she felt like she needed to do things like this...rather than dragging me to rehab, then I was grateful.

Even if I had to deal with disgusting water fowl and questions that I didn't feel like answering.

* * *

Britt sat by the edge of the water, wrapped her arms around her bent legs and rested her head on her knees.

I had done something similar that morning but that was on our clean sheets, in our warm bed...not the soft ground.

_"I know that you won't sit but could you at least come closer?"_

Britt looked up at me with pleading eyes and a pout.

Just then I noticed the empty bench just a few feet away.

I smiled down at B and held my hand out again.

_"Let's go sit on that bench...look how many ducks are over there."_

She smiled at me and hastily jumped to her feet.

Thank goodness!

I sat back on the bench and waited for Britt to sit against me.

She smiled as she cuddled against my shoulder...in this moment she was happy.

Lets hope that I can keep her that way.

_"I haven't touched drugs since that day in that house."_

_"I know."_ She said a little too quickly.

_"Just hear me out okay?"_

Her body went stiff but she kept the smile on her face.

_"Okay."_

I pulled her against me and kissed the side of her face a few times before pressing my lips against her ear and kissing lightly.

_"That day...there was one moment...when he put the drugs in front of me and walked away. At that moment, I was already high on God knows what. Right there was this line of cocaine mixed with meth, maybe. Not sure exactly what I took but I know that it was the only moment that he wasn't forcing me...and you know what I did?"_

_"You took it?"_ She was on edge.

_"No...in that moment, drugged out of my mind, I remembered that day that you found me at that crack house in Lima. Remember that?"_

She nodded and then tried to turn but I held her tightly, I didn't want her to see the tears in my eyes.

I was trying to fight them and I knew that if our eyes met, that I would break.

_"Yea...it was a really bad day." _

_"Yea...well, that memory came to me and even with drugs in my system, I didn't take that line. I didn't give into that temptation. It took him holding my head against that glass table and forcing me to snort it, that was when I did...but not on my own. Do you get what I'm saying?"_

She shrugged.

_"Maybe?"_

I sighed and tried to be patient with her.

_"It means that I'm done with drugs. I don't want to be that person. There is just way too much to live for, too much to stay sober for."_

_"You mean that?"_

_"Yes. I know what you saw earlier...and I can honestly tell you that I was craving it. My body wanted that release but I didn't. It's what woke me up before the sun this morning. I got up...I called Rachel and we talked. Then I called my mom, because she is usually awake that early and luckily she was. I got the kids dressed and I caught a cab to her house. I sat there and we talked and we prayed together. I know that you would have liked for me to do that with you but this was really good for me. I know now that I can resist temptation."_

_"I'm really proud of you, I'm sorry that I doubted you."_

I swallowed back my tears and released some of my hold on Britt so that she could turn and look at me.

When our eyes met, I had been prepared for tears to come pouring down, but then I looked at them and I felt all this strength fill me.

She was proud of me.

And while she's said it before...in that moment, it was what I needed more than anything else.

_"No...I want you to call me on my shit. Never stop doing that...I'm in recovery and even when I'm sober for fifteen years, twenty, fifty...I will still be in recovery. I'm an addict and it's a really big part of me. So never stop questioning me...I love you. And I need you to give me everything...your all. Okay?"_

_"And you will give me your all?"_

_"Everyday. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I was being secretive. I'm just nervous about tonight."_

She smiled and pulled me against her this time.

_"You will be great...you're my star...and I know that if you could beat drugs then this concert will be like super easy. Right?"_

Leave it to Britt to make me feel like I could conquer the world.

I hope that never changes!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Ever since I had first seen a Destiny's Child video when I was little girl, I have ALWAYS wanted to be Beyoncé.

Not only could she sing and dance but she was gorgeous.

She was nice and she had this fierceness that surrounded her even when she was smiling.

If Sue had come to me that day and offered me a tour for Beyoncé instead of Madonna, nothing in the world would have been able to stop me from following Lady B, around the world!

Thankfully though, I didn't need to travel the world to meet her.

Nope...instead, I got to see her up close and personal because of Ana.

Something that I definitely never expected.

And now I was dressed in a really sexy outfit, with Ari, Marco, Celia and Quinn surrounding me.

We had a front row seat.

And when Ana walked on that stage, all alone, she was the most beautiful thing that I had seen.

She looked really hot.

She had on this black tux jacket over these really cute cutoff shorts and the tallest pair of heels I had ever seen her in.

If I wasn't in a stadium full of people, I would fuck her right there on top of that million dollar piano.

They must have told her where we were sitting because even with the solo spotlight on that dark stage in her eyes, she still looked in my direction and winked.

She was glowing.

That was where she belonged.

Her being in that spotlight seemed like a perfect fit.

My heart melted as I watched her scrunch her eyebrows, stretch out her fingers and then she nodded to herself as if she was listening to a drummer in her mind.

And then just like that...her fingers took to the keys and were moving so fast at first that they were blurry.

Her whole body bounced along to the melody that flowed from her fingers and I knew immediately that she was so good in bed because of this talent.

Thank God for the piano!

* * *

Standing ovation.

Ana's set had been the last performance of the show and now was time for Beyonce's big announcement that Mercedes had told Ana about.

_"Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to thank you all for coming tonight. It has been an honor to share the stage with such amazing women...proven stars and up and comers alike. That being said...my husband and I recently decided on a joint venture. So tonight...I just wanted you all to be the first to know and now we wanted to ask, Santana Lopez and Mercedes Jones to the stage tonight."_

Ana looked like a deer in the headlights as she and Mercedes stepped to the front of the stage.

My eyes went big as I turned to Quinn.

_"No way...is that?"_ I was speechless.

Because Ana and Mercedes were facing the crowd they didn't see the people behind them.

Rihanna...Kanye West...Jay-Z...

Quinn nodded.

_"They're gonna sign them...oh my God."_ Quinn was recording the entire thing on her phone.

_"Ladies I would like to invite you both to be the first artists that we sign to our new label, Blue Magic Entertainment."_

Mercedes was weeping as she nodded like crazy.

Ana though...stuck her hand out and nodded.

_"I would be honored"_ she said quietly as she leaned towards Beyonce.

Obviously she had forgotten that she had a mic attached because we could all hear her.

The crowd was cheering on their feet, she looked out over the crowd and that when she smiled, beautifully!

Who didn't want to see history be made?

This was just absolutely amazing!

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

After this big announcement, I didn't know what to think.

Of course I took it...I would be a fool not to.

But what did this mean?

I was in my shared dressing room, staring at my reflection as I removed my make-up and could see that my hands were shaking.

_"You okay, Santana?"_

Showing a sign of being used to this whole show thing, Mercedes had already changed into sweats and sneakers.

She smiled at me as she leaned against the wall that was right next to my vanity.

_"Yea...just in shock." _

_"I had no idea...it's really amazing. And tomorrow we will be having brunch with everyone and I mean everyone. Bring Britt and the kids too...everything is a family affair. Smile girl...this is amazing."_

I flashed a nervous smile and then swallowed my fears.

My life was anything but rosy.

I was about to testify in a criminal case and it was going to be a public brawl.

At least that's what Mami claims but she has a flair for the dramatic...so she may be exaggerating.

Would this effect me being signed?

_"They already know about the trial."_

I looked up at her in shock.

_"What?"_

_"You don't think that they would have signed you without knowing about your past...come on...think about it."  
_

_"Why would they still want to sign me then?"  
_

_"Because you are that good! Don't be dumb, I was in awe as I watched you on that stage. We could have won sectionals if Mr. Schue had known that you had that talent."  
_

_"He knew. He caught me playing one day...that was why had been so excited with the purple piano thing. It's why he got so upset when I set one on fire."  
_

_"Make sense."  
_

I pushed up from the table and quickly tied my hair up.

I knew that Britt was probably waiting for me and I really just wanted to be with my kids._  
_

_"I guess...now that I know that...it alleviates a fear but I'm still anxious. I'm still worried and I probably will be until I get the hell out of this city. Understand?"  
_

_"Look, go home. Kiss those babies...love your wife and just thank God that you still get to dream. Then tomorrow...when you guys show up...I want you to be the Santana Lopez that ruled McKinley. The worrying and the nerves...I get but you are a professed woman of faith, don't forget that."  
_

She was right...of course.

My faith had taken a really big blow that I was still recovering from.

And God so help me...I would try my best not to let it be washed away so easily.

I was Santana Lopez...and while I wasn't quite sure what that meant anymore...at one point it was a big deal.

For a while I had lost that...my identity, not quite sure who I was...not caring,

But I sure as hell needed to figure it out.

Sooner rather than later...preferably.

* * *

_"Ungh!"_ I moaned as she entered me swiftly.

_"Does it hurt?"_

_"F-fuck...no please don't stop. H-harder."_ I groaned.

She had me pressed against the back of the bathtub with her knee between my legs as her fingers curled inside of me.

Britt breathed into my neck harshly as I clung to her.

Water was sloshing everywhere as my body started to tense up.

_"So good...let me get the strap-on...please?"_ She whined.

_"N-not y-yet...fuck so close...uh...uh...oh B...B. Mmmmm fuck!"_ I said as I bit into her shoulder and felt my body shake with all of my energy.

_"Now?"_

_"Mmmm...okay, but you're putting it on me."_

She froze as she looked at me.

I hadn't done this since before everything had happened.

Before Marco came back the first time or I had babies.

_"Seriously?"_ She squealed.

_"Yes."_

I didn't need to utter another word as she leapt out of the tub and began to make her way to the bag under the sink.

_ "And the handcuffs, if you want."_ I said as I stepped onto the floor.

She turned red as she looked at me in awe.

_"What's the occasion? Why do you want to top me so bad?"_ She whispered as she dug through the bag.

_"Because...for once...I feel worthy of topping you. Don't question it...please?"_

She grinned as she prepared the harness and then smile as she was slipping it up my legs.

It was hot to see her on her knees in front of me like this.

When I was all suited up and she prepared to stand, I changed course and pressed down on her shoulders.

_"Wait..."_ I whispered.

I gripped her chin and smirked at her before bringing her lips to the plastic dick in front of her face.

_"You want me to suck it?"_ She said with an eager grin.

_"Get it ready, B."_

She had put the insert in and pressed her hands against it as she lowered her mouth over the fake cock.

_"Mmmm."_ She moaned.

It couldn't taste good...but she didn't seem to mind as I watched the pink glittery dick slide into her mouth.

_"Fuck...I wish I could feel that. You are so fucking hot!"_ I groaned as she bottomed out and her nose pressed to my stomach.

I growled and dug my hands into her hair, holding her there a second before yanking at her hair and pulling at it until she stood to her feet.

_"How do you want me?"_

_"Up on the sink."_

I could smell her wetness as she sat on the marble counter-top and spread her legs for me.

Britt and I were beyond pretenses.

I wasted no time as I slid straight into her heat.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes as she smiled.

_"Oh God...thank you!"_ She smiled before attacking my lips.

_"You okay, baby?"_ I whispered pulling back and looking into her eyes.

_"Perfect...I f-forgot how good it feels to be connected to you like this...now move...please? Fuck me like you mean it."_

_"My pleasure."  
_

I laughed as I moved back and then pushed back inside.

She let out a groan as she lifted her legs and wrapped them around my waist.

I gripped her ass and began to thrust faster and faster.

She was falling apart in front of me and it was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen.

I kissed her face over and over again.

My worries and fear were gone now.

This was what I needed...to feel this love.

This admiration that was pouring out of my wife...made me crazy with passion.

_"I love you, you are so amazing. Oh God...Ana...so close. Yes! Yes!"_ She hissed and clutched me really tight. _"Thank you!"_ She groaned as she pressed herself against me, completely coming undone. When I went to pull back she wrapped her legs tighter and just held me. _"Just stay...please?"_

That moment made me hold her closer.

When I looked at my reflection as she rested back against the mirror.

I could see the glow in my skin and the light in my eyes as I held my wife.

_"I love you, B." _

_"Mmmm...I love you too. That was so amazing." _

_"You're amazing, Britt Britt."_

It was like this moment of bliss...of happiness...was culminating in me reflecting the faith that I saw in her eyes.

All I needed was her.

Always.

* * *

_**A/N: It's wrapping up my lovelies! Yay! Few more chapters left and this saga will close out! :)  
**_


	65. Chapter 65:Don't You Worry, I Feel Good

_**A/N: Hey readers! Writing is kinda my thing, if you haven't realized by now. I like to test new things. Try methods of writing that I haven't explored. This chapter is split in two or a chapter inside of a chapter. So that means two songs. Also...there will be a shift in POV that I haven't yet explored...my own...so just be forewarned. Thank you for going on this journey with me. I appreciate every single review and add. You are all amazing! Thank you! Enjoy!** _

* * *

**Chapter 65: Don't You Worry, I Feel Good**

* * *

_**[Part 1] **_

**Don't You Worry Child (Swedish House Mafia feat. John Martin) **

* * *

_**It was like this moment of bliss...of happiness...was culminating in me reflecting the faith that I saw in her eyes.**_

_**All I needed was her.**_

_**Always.**_

* * *

**Gloria's POV**

* * *

I had taken a vow of silence...again.

When I left New York, it had been an abrupt choice but it was what I needed.

I had given Ari the best of my patience, strength and faith...but what I hadn't been prepared for was that by giving fully of myself, I had been losing my own identity in the process.

So I called my Mother Superior and asked if I could come back to the convent until the second summer session of classes started.

It didn't take much to convince her but she made it known to me that because I didn't plan to stay that the rules for me would be even stricter.

But when it comes to my faith in God, there is nothing that I won't do.

The first day back, I knelt in the center of the convent, confessed my sins before God and didn't even flinch as they cut off my hair.

When I first committed to the convent, my hair had been shaved down to my skull but this time, they had just cut it really low.

From that moment, I committed to a vow of silence and hard labor.

My head had been so clouded and full in New York.

It was there that I experienced death, heartache, and a loss of my innocence.

But I also experienced love, friendship and a new found belief that even the most slippery backslider can be redeemed.

When I had decided to come back, I was pretty sure that I would probably just stay forever but by the end of the first week, I knew that I had to return.

My home was with Ari.

I just needed her to trust me again.

Have more faith in me.

She loved me and so I knew that she would wait for me.

I hadn't spoken to her since she left me at port authority.

The only person that knew where I was had promised me that he wouldn't reveal my location until she came to him.

Marco and I both knew that she would try and tough it out but that she would get to a point where she figured out what I must have done.

* * *

It had been just twenty-seven days since I had left and I was really thinking that maybe she had forgotten about me and moved on.

But then...Marco showed up.

I still couldn't speak but that didn't mean that I couldn't listen.

I sat in the back garden in full habit, when I felt a presence sit beside me.

_"She came to me last night."_

I looked up at Marco and nodded before playing with the wooden beads of my rosary.

What happened?

My eyes said and he smiled.

_"Santana performed at Madison Square Garden last night and Ari invited me as her guest. I had thought it was strange until she asked to share a cab with me despite the fact that we were going in opposite directions. She asked me if I knew where you were and if you had come back to the convent for good. I told her that you were back but that your stay wasn't definite, she took it like a champ but then again, she always does."_

I smiled to myself as I remembered her determined face as the chemo drugs pumped through her bloodstream.

Even when she was sick and vomiting, she still looked like she was in control.

It was a look that I only saw matched by Santana.

Marco cleared his throat and shook his head...I must have been grinning.

That was not something allowed and if the Mother Superior had seen me, she would have probably caned me.

I cleared my face of expressions and nodded for him to continue.

_"She asked me to give you a letter. I have already cleared it with Mother Maguire. It's in your room. I hope to see you back in the city, Gloria. Peace be with you."_

I nodded and stood to my feet, leaving him sitting there...a peace had overcome me and I felt like everything was going to fall into place, regardless of what the letter said.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Can you believe that we just had brunch with a bunch of superstars? That you have now met Beyoncé three times?"_

I was beyond excited as we climbed into the black town car that had been sent to pick us up that morning.

Isaac was sleeping against my chest while Daniela giggled in Britt's arms.

_"I can't. It is so crazy to me." _

_"Me too. So what do you want to do now, B?"_

_"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Wednesday."_ She smiled at me and I just dropped my head.

My birthday was in a few days and the last thing that I wanted to do was celebrate it.

If I could, I would like to forget it.

_"Please, B...I don't want to celebrate it."_

_"Why not?"_

_"It just has never been a good day for me. Last year I was in rehab for instance."_ I said before kissing my son's face and shifting him so that he was lying across my lap.

_"Exactly. Please...can I at least take you out to dinner?"_

_"Fine...but no surprises."_ I said as I shook my head.

She smiled and nodded.

_"I can't promise that...but I can say that it will be something that you will enjoy."_

I felt my eyebrows rise.

_"How are you so sure?"_

_"Because, I know you. Now...just accept that I am going to make your twenty-first birthday special and accept that you are going to love it." _

_"Or what?"_

_"Just trust me?" _

_"Always."_

She seemed satisfied with that answer as she put her head back and closed her eyes.

What could she be planning?

And why was I suddenly nervous?

* * *

When we got back to the apartment, Britt took the kids to their rooms and put them down for a nap and so I decided to play.

I kicked off my heels and made my way over to my beautiful piano.

It had been awhile since I had sat there and just let the music overcome me.

As I lifted up the cover and mindlessly looked out over the skyline, I noted just how calm I felt.

With everything in my life, I felt like this right here was a moment of true peace.

The trial was coming and I may have lost my own case against Dr. Cray but he wasn't getting away with anything.

And that made me feel like he was still going to get his due.

I pulled out fresh note paper from the table and a felt marker.

There was a melody in my mind and a beat in my heart.

When I write music there is like this cone of silence that takes over me and there is nothing that can pull me away from the music.

I closed my eyes and stretched out my fingers.

Most of my songs started out loud and fast but this would be different.

It was almost like a freedom song in some respects.

My heart was pounding as I played note after note until it sounded like the masterpiece in my head.

Over and over, I played until I had it memorized and was able to move onto the next bar.

I was filled with so much joy as I composed.

Britt was right, this was where I belonged.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I was running.

My body ached in all the right places, I had just polished off six and half miles before I found myself staring up at a tall building in the center of TriBeCa.

Anita.

We hadn't had much contact lately and obviously, it was time to fix that.

I walked into the lobby and hit the button for the elevator as I stretched.

My heart was feeling so heavy knowing that I had pushed Gloria far enough that she was willing to return to the convent.

If Anita couldn't cheer me up, I knew that Britt could.

When I stepped out onto her floor, I could hear the sound of her piano.

She was in a zone.

I knocked on the door and a few seconds later, Britt appeared at the door in her apron with a finger to her lips.

_"Come in."_ She whispered before stepping back.

Anita's back was to us as she played furiously.

Odds are that she probably didn't even notice us in the same room with her.

When she played, often times she didn't register a single sound around her.

Even last night, up on that stage, I could tell that she was totally in her head.

Her hair hung around her face and she bounced along to her mental metronome.

Getting to witness her write music was not something that I ever wanted to forget.

The peace around her was almost tangible.

It for as far back as I can remember, has been my favorite thing.

* * *

I followed Britt into the kitchen and could see that she had been cooking.

I sat down at the table and closed my eyes as I listened to the music coming from the other room.

_"What brings you by?"_ Britt asked as she swayed in place.

_"I needed advice." _

_"She should be done soon...if you want to wait."_

_"Actually...I needed advice from you. I wanted to talk to Ana too...but it was your opinion that I needed." _

Britt turned around and leaned against the counter with a raised eyebrow.

She was really taking on some of Anita's most intimidating traits but on her face...it was almost comical.

But I didn't laugh because I knew that would just piss her off.

_"Is everything okay?"_

_"Marco told me where Gloria is." _

Britt nodded and then brought a plate of cookies over to the table before sitting.

_"Was she lost?"_

_"Well...when she left...she didn't tell me anything but that she needed a break from me." _

_"And you told her that you would respect that space right?"_

_"Well...no. I didn't have to. It was almost unspoken."_

_"So what advice to do you need?"_

_"Should I wait for her?"_

_"Where is she? She isn't dating a guy is she? She's not pregnant? Is that why you wanted my advice?"_

I shook my head and picked up a cookie.

_"No...it's just you and Grady..."_ She got paler than usual.

Maybe this wasn't the time but she just shrugged before eating half a cookie.

_"What about us?"_

_"You decided to take a break from Anita-" _

She cut me off with a harsh laugh.

_"And you saw how well that worked out. I was a wreck and because of that I made stupid decisions...ones that will follow me for the rest of my life." _

_"Wow...I didn't...what I mean to say is..." _

Britt held up her hand to stop me from putting my foot in my mouth.

_"I'm over it. Things are how they should be. Do I like it? No...but things happen how they do. I can't cry over it. You felt hurt, you dumped her and now you regret it but she never broke up with you. Right?"_

_"Marco says that she just needed time to get herself together. She's at the convent again...what if she decides that she wants to be a nun again?"_

_"If that's what she decides then you are just going to deal with it."_ Britt said looking a bit spaced out.

_"I love her, Britt...I want her back." _

_"Are you ready to have her back, Arita? Will you take it seriously this time?"_ My head popped up when I heard Anita enter the kitchen.

She had this huge smirk on her face as she stood behind Britt and put her hands on Britt's shoulders.

_"What do you mean? I always took my relationship serious."_

She shook her head.

_"Need I remind you about the time that you cornered me in the bathroom? Let's face it...since you introduced us to her...you have taken her for granted. So the question is...when she comes back to you...because lets be real...she is coming back, will you be ready for her? She is at the convent and as a Catholic you have an idea of how serious that is. When she comes back she is going to be looking for commitment from you and if you want to be with her, you better be serious about it."_

* * *

**Gloria's POV**

* * *

**_Dear Gloria,_**

**_I'm not sure where you are and I can respect that you may not want me to know. _****_There aren't enough words in the world to express how sorry I am for my behavior. After everything that you have done for me and everything that you have given me, I feel like I just spit in God's face. He blessed me with you and I just allowed my emotions to take over. I don't think you even have a malicious bone in your body. Whether you come back or not, I needed you to know just how sorry I am. _**

**_I miss you. _**

**_Take care of yourself._**

**_Te amo!_**

**_Ariana_**

* * *

_"I need to go." _

_"Your time isn't up." _

_"Cane me, banish me, do whatever you need to do...just please let me go." _

I was in tears as I cried to my Mother Superior after two days and three hundred reads of the letter.

It was the middle of the night but I couldn't last another second.

I broke my vow and I knew that came with a price.

These were my first words since I had arrived at the convent and I was breaking them but in my eyes, it was for the purest reason.

_"What good will that do? That will not save your soul." _

_"My soul isn't in mortal danger!" _

I stomped my foot and clung tightly to the paper crumpled in my palm.

I knew that I was being insolent but I didn't care anymore.

_"The devil isn't ugly, Gloria. He comes to you in his finest robes, speaking of all the riches in the world...and if the world is what you want to inherit then so be it."_

_"That's not what this is." _

_"If it is my blessing that you seek...you are wasting your time. You can not appeal to me. It may be fashionable to live that life but I will not allow you to treat this holy place as your rehab facility. You have a sickness and it can't be cured here...we will no longer accept your wicked and evil ways into this place. If you want to be a Jezebel that is between you and your dark prince!" _

I was on the floor, in tears as one of my biggest supporters turned her face on me.

_"Please...don't...I can't help this. I was born like this. I tried so hard! I feel like the Father accepts me as I am, maybe it is you that is the evil one!" _I screamed at her as I leaned over her desk and hovered just a few inches from her face._ "Jesus wasn't seen as the son of God by a lot of people but he believed what he believed and stuck to the workings of his heart. How is this any different?" _I was sobbing.

_"Blasphemy!" _I cried out as pain seared across my cheek as her hand hit the side of my face.

What was I doing?

Why did I need this woman's approval?

Peace filled me and I fell prostrate onto the floor.

It was as if God was speaking to me directly.

And I knew...

She was my home...

Where I belonged...

Now and forever!

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**June 17th, 2014**_

**_Hi Henry,_**

**_I know that it's been a while since we have last seen each other. Today though...I'm back. _**

**_It's really early in the morning and I am in a zone. _**

**_Britt hasn't woken up yet but I couldn't lie there anymore. _**

**_I just finished cleaning the entire apartment, washing all of our clothes, and making notes on the three songs that I have just written. _**

**_Yep...you heard me. In the last few days I have written three songs! _**

**_I may not have brought my 20th year in the best way but I am sure going out with a bang!_**

**_I still haven't figured out what Britt's plan is for tomorrow but I can tell that it's a pretty big deal because of the way that I catch her looking at me when she is furiously texting. _**

**_In years past, I would have tried to figure out what the surprise is but I don't even want to know. _**

**_Why ruin it?_**

**_Gotta go...someone is at the door?_**

**_Lots of love!_**

**_S_**

* * *

_"Oh...hey...what are you doing here?"_

Quinn stood before me in one of her sundresses with a huge smile on her face.

_"Hey, S...go get dressed, we have a whole day of wedding stuff to do!"_

I stood there in shock.

_"What?"_

_"Are you not my matron of honor?"_

_"Well yea." _

_"Okay...well...Ceily and I decided to do it this weekend...it's quick, I know but you know how impulsive she can be. I've already talked to Britt...so no excuses, I know that you have nothing planned for today."_

I was speechless as Quinn ushered me to my bedroom, past Britt curled up, snoring her heart out and followed me into my closet.

She sat on the chaise and waited while texting furiously.

_"Where is the wedding going to be?"_

_"In the Hampton's.." _

_"Wow...ritzy...why there?"_

_"I didn't ask. She just told me to get myself prepared for the wedding of the century. Who am I to argue?"_

_"Her fiancée." _

_"Well your sister can be pretty persuasive." _

I gagged when she winked at me.

_"Wanky." _I muttered as I pulled a silk top on with a pair of jeans and some heels.

She whistled and I couldn't help but blush.

When we stepped out into the bedroom, Britt was sitting in bed on the phone.

She smiled to me and pursed her lips.

Adorable.

I had time for a quick peck and then Quinn was yanking me out the apartment.

Why did I have the feeling that I was going to regret my heels?

God help me!

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"Gloria?"_ I stood in my doorway in my boxers and a tank top.

There standing on my doorstep was Gloria, with a bruise on her cheek and short hair.

She had a crooked smile and a starved look in her eyes.

_"Hey...can I come in?"_ She said with a gravelly voice.

I wanted to be excited to see her but there was a change in her.

Some of her innocence had been stripped away.

The moment that I closed the door, she fell into my arms and hugged me tight.

I didn't hesitate, not even for a moment as I held her back even tighter.

She had buried her face against my neck and was leaking an insane amount of tears against my skin.

There were no words to speak as I rubbed at her back and rocked her slowly.

After a few moments, she finally calmed down enough for me to lead her to the couch.

Our little dog was whining from the bedroom and I smiled.

He must have known that his Mama was home.

_"Is that Mercy?"_ She whispered.

Of course, she already knew the answer to that question but like me she was kind of speechless.

_"Yea...let me get him. Why don't you sit down?"_

She nodded and dropped boneless onto the big leather sofa.

I returned with Mercy clutched to my chest and in that little bit of time she had fallen asleep.

So I put Mercy down in front of her and pulled down the duvet to cover her.

This was my second chance...I was sure of it.

* * *

_"Ugh, I don't know Lucy Q the pink one!"_ Anita moaned before she realized that she had picked up the line. _"Hello?"_

_"Hey it's me, Ari." _

_"Oh...hey...what's up?"_

_"Gloria's here."_

_"And?"_

_"She fell asleep on my couch...what should I do?"_

_"Well for starters don't take advantage of her again..."_

I rolled my eyes.

_"I'm being serious...she looks pretty rough...I don't want to fuck it up. Help me."_ I begged.

_"Okay, okay. She came back to you...listen to what she has to say don't be jerk about it. Titi Lydia liked her which means that she has to be a good catch. I happen to agree that she is. You both screwed up. She withheld information and you lashed out at her, you were both in the wrong and in the right. Just be patient, explain where you are coming from and seriously do not have sex. I know you don't think like that when it comes to her but sometimes emotions make us do crazy things...ugh...hold a sec. Lucille Quinn Fabray, don't you fucking dare! Oh God...look Arita, you got this. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Simple as that. Stop worrying so much, I have to go before I kill Quinn. Love you!" _

_"Love you too!"_

I smiled to myself as I tossed my phone on our once shared bed and then took a deep breath.

This could be fixed.

Gloria had come to me.

We both messed up.

But she was here.

That meant something.

* * *

_**[Part 2]**_

**I Feel Good All Over (Stephanie Mills)**

* * *

_**A/N: Please note that the POV changes to my POV ) Just at first! :)**_

* * *

**_But she was here._**

**_That meant something._**

* * *

**A's POV**

* * *

By the time that Ana got home she was exhausted beyond measure.

Quinn had dragged her all over the city, they had gone running, gotten dresses, shoes, jewelry and had even done their usual mani/pedi time.

There was nothing that she wanted more than to take a hot shower, fuck the breath out of Brittany and cuddle with her kids...not in that exact order.

She pushed open the door to the apartment and was thrown off by the utter darkness.

Because of the kids, they had always left a lamp on so that they could see their way at night.

The first thing that she noticed other than the darkness though, was just how quiet it was.

It was just after nine and so she was sure that the kids were asleep, so she might go see them first.

So she dropped her purse on the couch and made her way down the dark hallway.

She peeked into Daniela's room which was freezing cold.

_"What the fuck?"_ She mumbled as she closed the window.

When she peaked in the crib she was thrown off when the baby wasn't there.

_"Weird."_ She whispered as she turned around and walked across the hall.

The moment she opened the door the cold hit her again.

_"Seriously, B?"_ She grumbled as she shut the window once again.

Isaac's bed was empty and so now what she was hoping would be an okay night was her wondering what the heck was going on.

She had spoken to Britt a few times throughout the day and didn't seem to notice any difference in her wife.

Nothing crazier than normal.

* * *

By the time that Ana made it to her bedroom door, she was huffing and puffing trying her best not to be angry at her wife.

She pushed open the door and was immediately taken back by the amount of sparkling white lights that were lighting up the room.

The bed was made and had a black box with a giant white bow on top.

_"Is she serious?"_

Despite how annoyed she had been just a few minutes before, now Ana was just intrigued.

Brittany was trying to make this birthday special for her and she needed to give up control.

If her wife wanted to spoil her, then who was she to argue.

She stepped up to the bed and noticed a card that sat on top.

It simply said **_Ana._**

She smiled to herself as she opened the card.

_**Put me on and go to the lobby.**_

Her eyes rolled when that was all the card said.

She just couldn't figure out what Britt was up to but she would play along.

Apparently she was going to love this and so who was she to complain.

There were tears in her eyes as she untied the bow, she was overcome with emotion, and just because of how good this made her feel.

It was barely midnight and she was already feeling like this was the best birthday ever.

She opened the box and pulled back the tissue paper.

Inside was the most beautiful pale pink dress that she had ever seen.

On top of the dress was another box that had pink diamond earrings and a bracelet.

Santana smiled as she immediately began to strip down.

When she got into the bathroom to take a quick shower, she saw that the tub was filled with bubbles and there were white and pink rose petals floating on top.

_"You are so fucking charming, Brittany Lopez."_ She muttered before sinking down into the still hot water.

* * *

By the time that Santana was dressed in the soft dress and had gotten her hair just right, she realized that she had no shoes.

_"Shit."_ She said as she rushed to open her closet door.

There were more lights in there...and there on the chaise sat the most spectacular Manolo Blaniks.

_"Wow!"_ She said to herself as she was trying to fight back tears as she slid them onto her feet.

This was overwhelming for her but it felt so amazing.

She couldn't wait to make Britt aware of just how good she felt.

It was just after midnight by the time that she made it to the lobby.

_"Well look at you...happy birthday."_ Noah said as he held out his hand for her to take.

_"Where are we going?"_

_"Late night performance...speaking of which, close your eyes."_

She felt her body tense at first when he slid a blindfold over her eyes but then she remembered just who she was with.

No man had ever made her feel as safe as Nono did.

Who better to send to do this?

No one.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I felt like Britt was testing my trust.

And I knew that I could survive as long as Noah was still there.

_"I'm not going to ask about this."_ I said as I felt the cushion of seat below me and a car door slam shut.

_"Good because I'm not giving anything away." _

_"I don't expect you to." _

_"You look beautiful by the way."_

_"Thank you...you look pretty hot yourself, Puckerman. How's the baby mama doing?"_

He chuckled.

_"Which one?"_

_"Hmmm...the one that didn't drag me from one end of the city to the other, today." _

_"Oh...my wife is good. Very pregnant and very tired." _

_"And the baby?"_

_"He's doing great, the doctor's say that he is developing on schedule. It's been an easy pregnancy so far." _

_"I can't wait to know how that feels." _

He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed.

_"I have no doubt in my mind that you will know, TT."_

* * *

When I stepped out of the car again, it shocked me just how quiet it was.

Wherever we were it was definitely not in the city.

Noah wrapped my arm in his and then slowly we walked together.

_"Step up...now." _He whispered into my ear.

I nodded and took another step.

Now we were indoors into a hollow place.

The sound of my heels echoed in the room.

_"Where are we?"_

_"You said that you wouldn't ask." _

_"It's my birthday...are you really going to deny me?"_

_"Definitely. Step up." _

We continued to walk and then abruptly he stopped and let go of my arm.

_"Are we here?"_

No answer.

_"Puck? Are we here?"_

I felt a body step close to mine.

Two hands ran up and down my arms and then they traced up my neck.

My senses were heightened as I smelled her sweet scent.

_"Britt." _I whispered_. _

_"You look so beautiful." _

_"Thank you for the dress, Britt Britt. I love it."_

_"I'm glad."_

_"Where are we, B?"_

_"Somewhere amazing." _

_"Yea?"_

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"Can I see?"_

_"Are you ready?" _

_"Yes."_ I smiled when I felt her hands reach behind my head and slowly untie the knot.

It took a moment for my eyes to adjust but when they did, there in front of me was my wife in a tux jacket and a sexy pencil skirt.

She had the most beautiful smile as her hair hung in curls around her face.

I went to turn my head but she cupped my cheeks and leaned her forehead to mine.

_"Marry me?"_

_"Of course, B." _

_"No...I mean right now." _She giggled.

She dropped her hands from my face and that's when I saw that we were in a huge cathedral.

I turned my head and was in awe as hundreds of eyes stared back at us.

Our families, our friends, and although they were both fast asleep, our children.

Quinn winked at me and gave me two thumbs up.

I turned back to Britt with a huge smile on my face.

With everything that happened, I had just about given up on a wedding.

_"Oh my...yes!" _I said nodding like a crazy woman.

_"Yes!" _

She pumped her fist in the air and everyone began clapping and Nono whistled.

This was amazing.

* * *

Britt took my hand in hers and led me up to the dais.

We knelt side by side and were blessed while our collective network prayed along with the Priest.

When we were back on our feet, I looked into Britt's eyes and could see that they were watery.

She had been nervous.

As if...

I would marry her every single day if I could.

_"Brittany has prepared her own vows for today." _I nodded as Britt took my hands and I smiled as the rest of the room seemed to disappear.

_"Santana Lopez, you are my dream. We have seen so much together, good and bad. The truth is that I have given up on us a whole lot because I didn't understand the pull that I had to you. You have saved my life in so many ways and I am so glad that I walked away from you, because I got to see that there was nothing out there that could compare to you. To what we have. This is the third time that I'm committing myself to you and hopefully, this time is the charm. I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of our lives showing you just how much. This day for you hasn't been the best...now...I hope that this can be a new start for you...a way to celebrate not just you but us. The birth of our family. I love you and I promise to stand by you, good and bad. Always and only with you." _

I smiled so hard as I absorbed her words.

_"Santana...would you like to say something?"_

I nodded really hard but didn't move my eyes from hers.

_"Brittany Susan, I love you. You make me feel so good to be alive, every single day. You have been by my side when the world has been against me, shoot even when I was against me. You are my partner, my love, and my best friend in every way possible. I never want to take you for granted. I want to live each day, loving you more than the day before. You never cease to amaze me and make me feel so special every day. You have taught me what it is to be a mother, a daughter and a friend. Thank you for making me see the little things. Thank you for helping me to see that I'm worth more than I ever imagined. I promise you before our family, our friends, our children and before God that I will give you the best of me...that I will honor you as my wife for the rest of my life and to not take myself too seriously...I promise to smile for you and be everything that you need, always. Te amo."_

* * *

As we crossed the threshold of the church, I was amazed at the water that surrounded us.

We were in front of a huge lake that had lights floating on it.

Everyone followed outside and almost immediately onto the dance floor.

Britt and I eased into our first dance together and it just felt perfect.

No matter what happened after this, good or bad, we were in this together.

And I really felt that.

In my heart...my soul and in my head.

My mind and my heart were on the same page for once.

And it felt so good.

_"Thank you so much for this, B." _

_"I just can't believe that I pulled it off...Quinn kept telling me how you wanted to go home and I kept making her stall you." _

_"She did a really good job...I was ready to deck her by the time that I stepped out of the cab." _

_"Well I'm glad that you didn't."_

_"Me too." _

* * *

_"Santana?"_

I turned around from Britt as the song ended and was met by red hair and a giant smile.

_"Francis?"_

_"You look stunning and I am so glad that I got to be here to see this!" _

_"Thank you for coming." _I pulled her into a tight hug and couldn't believe how far we had come in two years.

So crazy.

_"I'm just glad that I could give you this in person." _

I could feel Britt jumping in excitement behind me.

When I turned my head I could see that she her eyes were sparkling and she was grinning so hard that I thought her teeth would break.

_"What are you giving me?"_

_"Britt called me and told me how she was planning this amazing wedding for you and asked if I could help plan your honeymoon. I told her that I would help and so here I am." _

Britt's arms came around my waist and she rested her head on my shoulder.

_"Okay?"_

Frankie handed me an envelope and then stood there waiting for me to open it.

Inside the envelope were first class tickets for the four of us to Paris and our reservation slip to stay at the Disneyland Paris resort.

_"You're kidding?"_

I turned to Britt and she nodded.

_"Good?" _They both asked in unison.

I pulled Frankie and Britt into a hug and kissed both of their foreheads before releasing them.

_"You did good."_ I said as I looked through the papers one more time.

_"This is one of the best days of my life."_

* * *

We partied until the sun came up and then everyone retired to these little bungalows.

As the sun rose, I suddenly realized just where we were stopped in my tracks and looked at Britt.

_"You're kidding me? How did you pull this off, B?"_

_"Networking." _

We were at cheer camp in the Poconos.

And as we walked past the mess hall and up to our old room, I burst into tears.

The room was set up almost exactly the same except that the beds were pushed together.

_"You are so amazing, B." _

_"And I never plan to stop...now come over here and let me take off that dress." _

I smiled as she knelt in front of me and slowly began to undress me until I was down to my underwear.

We were both tired and so for tonight there would be no sexy times.

Which was okay...as we climbed into bed together...I was reminded of just how far I had come.

I felt like that time at cheer camp was in a whole other lifetime.

This symbolized so much to me, it was the start of my fight towards sobriety...and just being here where I had promised Britt that no matter what happened, that I would always love her...reinforced that sentiment.

Slowly but surely, Britt was helping me to build up a fortress of love and security around me.

And it felt so fucking good...so real.

So meaningful.

I would cherish this forever.

* * *

_**A/N: I really hope that I didn't lose you too much! Love you guys! Story timeline...Daniela was born today! :) Let me know what you thought!** _


	66. Chapter 66:Don't Look Back, Find My Way

**_A/N: Feedback on Chapter 65 was amazing. I'm so glad that you liked it. I had to give you sweet before bitter. We want this case to go away but he needs his due right? Good...I'm glad that you agree! So I enjoyed my split chapter so much that I'm going to do it again here! :) Two songs! Yay! Oh and I'm doing something else here as well...Can you smell the testosterone yet? You will! And my POV comes in almost right from the start...but it won't stay the whole time. Love you guys!_ **

**Oh and TRIGGERS...as always. :/**

* * *

**Chapter 66: Don't Look Back, Find My Way**

* * *

_**[Part 1] **_

**Don't Look Back (Miguel)**

* * *

**_And it felt so fucking good...so real._**

**_So meaningful._**

**_I would cherish this forever._**

* * *

**Puck's POV**

* * *

_**Need you to pick up Beth, stuck in this meeting with my transfer advisor...please?-Q**_

_**I work at 2.-Puck**_

_**See you at 1.-Q**_

**_Don't be late!-Puck_**

_"Where are you going?"_

_"I need a break...from all of this." _

_"Like permanently?"_

My head hurt.

I love her so much but sometimes I just want to choke the shit out of her.

_"God...Rachel! No."_ I snapped and then her lip started to shake and shit. So I dropped my bag beside the door and pulled her into my arms.

She banged her little fists against my chest before burying her face against my shirt.

_"Promise me that you'll come back!" _

Where the hell she had gotten this irrational fear that I was leaving her, I hadn't the slightest clue.

_"I will come back...Santana called me and asked me to go on a run with her and I was going to go pick up Beth from there. We can bring you lunch...okay?"_

_"Okay."_ She hugged me tighter and then let out a shaky breath. _"Just...come back." _

_"I will...I promise."_

* * *

_"I thought you said the pregnancy was easy?"_

TT was glowing and shit as she sprinted next to me.

She was in amazing shape for someone who has been through so much shit...I was out of breath and she still had enough of it to talk crap.

I stopped and bent over, leaning on my knees.

My chest hurt as the sweat poured from my face.

She jogged in place and stared down at me.

_"Seriously? We have only run three miles! This should be cake for you!" _

_"Mmm...can we get cake?"_ I tried to joke but she just rolled her eyes.

_"Move your ass, you cops and your baked goods...geez. I bet you don't even have a six pack anymore."_

She tried to lift my shirt but I jerked away.

The truth was that I had been eating almost as much as Rachel.

She felt bad about eating large amounts of food all by herself so I was eating with her.

_"Fuck you...I still do!"_

I stood up and lifted up my shirt.

She looked at me and smirked.

_"That..."_ She smacked my round stomach. _"Is NOT a six pack...it's barely two! You aren't the one expecting...get it together, Puckerman!" _

The women in my life are going to be the death of me.

* * *

**A's POV**

_**(Be warned!) **_

* * *

She was avoiding things.

The last few days had been unmitigated bliss and tomorrow Quinn was going to become an official Lopez.

Gladys had been trying her hardest to track down her daughter and knew that it was going to take Brittany to nail her down to one place.

Santana's life had been such a rollercoaster that this case starting in just three days was the kind of thing that she wanted to ignore until she was actually in the courtroom.

That was the only way for her to get through this wedding with a smile.

Her birthday had been spent just how she had asked.

After they got back from the Poconos, Britt had taken her and the kids to brunch and then back to Westchester, where they just hung out with the out-of-town people who had come to the wedding.

With their pool now open and the summer already being insanely hot, it was an amazing time.

So it was no surprise that just two days later, she had distracted herself by taking Puck running.

They had barely spent any time together since Ian had died and with her moving, she decided that she really should pay him attention.

She had noticed how pudgy he was looking when he had come to get her at the apartment on the way to her wedding.

So this was her trying to bond.

But from the looks of him...this was only stressing him out.

_"Okay...how about we go grab some coffee and really talk...you look like you are about to pass out."_

Puck tried to play off his discomfort as he stood to his feet and nodded.

_"Worn out...cool...coffee sounds good."_

Santana rolled her eyes and slapped his back.

_"Definitely, bro."_

They walked down the Brooklyn streets feeling invincible.

Who wouldn't when such a despicable human being had been put behind bars?

Even with Dr. Cray put away, Santana still avoided Brooklyn...only going when she knew that she would be safe.

And who was safer than Noah?

* * *

Prison had been breaking him but nothing compared to today's visitor.

The pain ripped through him and he didn't even pretend to fight back.

His breath left him as he took another punch to the gut.

He wasn't sure how he was getting his ass whooped so badly in prison.

There were definitely laws against this kind of thing.

_"You got greedy, son."_

_"Fuck!"_

_"Say it! Admit to me that you went too far!"_

_"Ugh!"_

A steel toed boot connected with his ribs as he fell to his knees.

He looked up at his father and smiled through the pain with blood outlining his usually pristine white teeth.

His father couldn't see him break even with the harsh wooden cane coming down across his shoulders.

_"You are getting what you deserve, Trent, remember that!"_

Another kick...a seventy year old man should not have so much power behind his strikes but this one had been hardened by his own prison sentence.

_"Fuck!"_

He wouldn't apologize...

He had enjoyed choking the life out of all those women after bending them to his will.

This wasn't a punishment for all of them but for her.

So special to him that he was willing to take this pain.

After all, she had by far been his favorite whore.

They had warned him to stay away from her but he couldn't.

She was way too perfect to give up, none of the whores was as resilient as she was.

He had tried though...everyday she sat in his fucking classroom taunting him with those lascivious lips and that dark raven hair.

Her skin begged to be split and covered.

Whipped and chained.

Her presence made him crazy, week after week, forcing him to stand behind the lectern by necessity.

She made his dick hard as a rock, just from the memories of the screams he had stolen from her.

His favorite thing was the blood-red of her lips as he shoved his dick down her throat.

She never gagged, just swallowed it all.

_"Special."_ He whispered before he got another kick to the stomach.

_"Let's see how worth it she is when you bring us all down!"_

Mr. Evans left his son bleeding on the floor of his cell with disdain.

He had been pardoned because of his terminal illness and because of the different surnames, they hadn't questioned the visit.

Idiots.

He had tried to teach the little bastard a lesson.

Wanted to show him what he was in for.

But the man had been lost to madness.

He was addicted and it was making him crazy because he knew that he would get to see her again...he would get hard in that courtroom.

Just one more fuck was what he craved.

Fuck his father, he thought.

He felt like his father should know better, he had her on several occasions and always talked about her talent.

But he knew when to stop...unlike his son.

She had nearly killed him and it just made him want to make her scream out for that whore of a wife.

He wanted her blood, her body, and her fucking soul.

Alone again, broken ribs and blood dribbling down his chin, he yanked harshly at his cock, smiling to himself as he thought of her spread-eagle before him, completely covered in his junk.

She existed for his enjoyment, just like her sister had.

He thought he had hit heaven when he tore that virgin flesh so many years before and he thought that there was nothing better until he met Santana Lopez.

_"Mmmmm...fucking bitch!"_

He came all over himself feeling a moment of relief knowing that his memories were as close as he would ever get to her himself.

And if he couldn't have her again...

He would make sure that no one could.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"Is this Quinn Fabray?"_

I was in a cab headed home when I got a call from a blocked number.

_"Speaking."_

_"This is Mr. Carlisle, I have it listed here that you were scheduled to pick up Beth today...are you on your way?"_

_"Uh...yea...sorry about that, I'm on my way."_

Where the fuck was Puck?

Beth had gotten out of school over an hour before and he had promised that he would pick her up.

It wasn't like him to forget Beth...ever.

_**Where are you?-Q**_

I stared down at my phone for the five minutes between where I was and Beth's school.

No response.

**_Is Puck with you?-Quinn_**

Immediate response.

**_No. He was supposed to be home a half hour ago.-Rachel_**

**_You haven't heard from him?-Quinn_**

**_No. He isn't answering his phone either. Call Santana, he was with her.-Rachel_**

**_Thanks!-Quinn_**

I could deal with Puck later, Beth was more important.

* * *

_"Where were you, mom?"_

_"I am so sorry, Beth. I thought I could make it here in time. It won't happen again." _

_"Promise me." _

_"I promise." _

_"Good." _

Once my daughter was appeased and was focused on Angry Birds with my iPad in her lap, I turned my focus to my phone.

**_Hey, B.-Quinnie_**

**_Hey! What's up?-B_**

**_Is San with you?-Quinnie_**

**_Nope. She just called though, asked me 2 meet her at her moms.-B_**

**_Do you know if she was still with Puck?-Quinnie_**

**_No idea. In the car now with the kids, ttyl-B_**

_"Shit." _I muttered before Beth slapped my knee with her palm up.

_"No bad words, Mom. You owe me a dollar." _

_"I'm sorry sweetie...you know where to get the money."_

Something was up.

I just wasn't sure what.

With just one day before my wedding...drama was the last thing that I wanted to deal with.

Things had been way too calm.

I should have known better.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It was chaos.

The text message from Quinn should have been my first clue.

But nothing could prepare me for what I walked in on.

I had Izzy's hand and Dani in my arms as we slowly climbed the steps.

The first thing that I noticed was the screaming in two languages.

And right away, I wished that Ana had warned me.

Not really for me but for the kids.

Thankfully the second foyer door was only partially glass because I could see in to the living room even though Izzy couldn't.

Dani though pointed straight at her blood covered Mami and looked at me with a trembling lip.

_"Mami boo boo."_ She said before she started to cry.

Gladys came to the rescue a moment later.

_"Lets take them upstairs...Sandra is up there with Tito and Norah."_

I nodded as I walked past my wife.

She just sat there on the couch staring down at her blood covered hands and was rocking back and forth.

What now?

* * *

Gladys put down Izzy and then shook her head before leaving the room again.

Norah was sitting in the middle of the old nursery playing with blocks and so I put Dani with her.

_"Titi!"_ Norah squealed and I ruffled her black hair.

_"Hi baby girl."_

When I stood up again, I saw Sandra sitting in the rocking chair rubbing her belly with tears in her eyes.

_"San? Are you okay?"_

She looked up at me and shook her head.

In this moment, she looked just like Ana.

_"I didn't know, Britt."_

_"Know what?"_

_"Who he was...the guy that hurt my sister so badly." _

_"Dr. Cray." _

_"I knew him as Mr. Trent. I just can't...Gladys just told me."_

_"Oh...did you kn-"_

And then I stopped and thought about what Marco had told us.

He was never sure if it was true...if Dr. Cray had hurt Sandra.

Now though, looking at that haunted gaze...I knew for certain.

_"You know about it?"_ She said with a shaky voice.

I nodded as I bit my lip to try and to keep from freaking out in front of the kids.

_"Marco..."_

Her face fell apart then as she closed her eyes and tried to take a deep breath.

I opened my arms and wrapped her up as she rocked against my chest.

She hiccupped and I knew what was next...tears.

_"Sshhh...just breathe...think of the baby...of the kids."_

What the fuck was going on?

* * *

My head hurt.

God give me strength.

When I got to the living room, I saw that my wife hadn't moved.

I knelt in front of her and put my hands on her cheeks.

She stared through me but then after a moment she came back to herself.

When she recognized me she through her arms around my neck and finally took a deep breath.

_"Oh God, Britt...I'm so glad that you're here."_

I wanted to ask her what happened but she seemed to need this hug more than I needed to know.

Obviously the blood wasn't hers.

So was it Puck's?

Now I was really regretting brushing Quinn off a little while ago.

I finally pulled back and rested back on my knees.

_"Tell me what happened?"_

_"We were walking out of the coffee shop...and...um...he must have seen them first because he shoved me behind him just as the first shot happened. Then another happened and then they ran. Just point blank...they shot him." _

She looked spaced out again as she pulled her hands in front of me.

_"Don't blame yourself, Ana...do you hear me?"_

She nodded but I don't think she heard me.

_"I owe him my life."_

_"Is he at the hospital?"_ I asked trying to keep her on track.

She nodded but continued to look at her hands.

_"Santana...look at me."_ I saw now that I needed to be direct with her.

Her head popped right up and she looked straight into my eyes.

_"He's at Long Island...the ambulance said he's going to be okay...they went straight through. Flesh wounds."_

_"Why didn't you go to the hospital with them?"_

_"I couldn't...too much blood. I started...I had a flashback and caught a cab here."_

Not good.

_"Did anyone call Rachel?"_

She shook her head and facepalmed.

_"Shit...why didn't I call Rachel?" _

She was scolding herself, hitting her head over and over.

_"Stop."_

I grabbed her wrist and pulled it away from her face as I cleared my throat.

_"I will call...I need you to focus...go get cleaned up and come right back. Can you do that?"_

She nodded again and stood to her feet.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and then looked towards her, she had turned away and was headed towards the guest room.

Hopefully, she could hold it together, because our friends were going to need us to be strong for them.

* * *

**A's POV**

* * *

_"What do you mean, alive? I paid them to take her out!" _

He was enraged.

_"Do I need to teach you another lesson, boy?"_

_"I have a Ph.D...I am NO boy!"_

_"All that education and for what? You are as worthless as the day your mother brought you to my doorstep."_

Mr. Evans voice never rose about a whisper as he talked to his son.

He may have been disbarred but that didn't mean that his legal knowledge had gone stale.

Years behind bars had given him time to brush up on the law.

Now he was using what he knew to help his son who kept screwing things up at every turn.

_"You can't talk to me that way!" _

_"Keep your voice down."_ He grumbled as he clenched the lion's head of his cane. _"I am your only visitor aside from your little minions and you dare to disrespect me?"_

This was the only person in existence that could get Trent Cray to back down.

He sat on his cot and stared at his hands.

A gesture that was being repeated by the recipient of his affections a few miles away.

* * *

While Dr. Cray explained his plan to kill Santana to his father, Santana was flexing and unflexing her hands as Brittany tried to squeeze as much information out of her as possible.

The quick shower hadn't help, in fact it just made the deep cuts in Santana's palms more prevalent.

_"What happened to your hands?"_

Brittany was leading Santana to the car, glad that Gladys had agreed to watch after the kids while she took her wife to go have a talk with Rachel.

They had agreed that telling the pregnant girl in person that her husband had been shot, would be a softer blow.

And showing foresight, Brittany texted Quinn and told her to meet them at Rachel's.

It was best to only explain once because Santana was barely holding it together, so having to repeat it would just make it worse.

_"When he pushed me out of the way...I slid onto the gravel...my hands broke my fall." _

_"Did you show your mom?"_

_"Mari...she was at the house when I got there and she cleaned them before going to check on Puck. Hopefully he's still safe and the guys won't go to him looking for me, again."_

Brittany nodded with concern.

This just seemed to be getting deeper and deeper.

_"Who were they?"_

_"I recognized them."_ Santana stared at the empty street in front of them and opened and closed her jaw.

_"Okay...who were they?"_

_"Drug dealers...they worked for him."_

_"And apparently they still do."_

* * *

_"How did you find out so quickly?"_ Trent asked as he looked at his father.

_"I got wind of what you were trying to do. I just didn't think that you would do it. I had someone watching your men. And just as I suspected...they got sloppy and shot a cop instead of your target." _

_"A cop!"_ Trent shrieked.

This was definitely bad.

He had told them to make it look like an accident...a mugging.

In Brooklyn...no one would question it.

Open and shut case but now that they had gone and shot a cop...those fuckers would dig until they struck gold.

Dig, until they found the connection between him and his men.

_"I told you...you got greedy. Now do you see it?"_

Trent flinched when he saw his father raise his hand.

But it wasn't to strike him.

Mr. Evans simply brought his old style handkerchief to his mouth and coughed into it.

His health was on the verge of killing him off in grand old style.

Cancer was eating his organs and things just weren't looking good for him.

But that's karma.

And his son was getting his due.

He himself had gotten greedy...should have bowed out with Marco.

The boy had tried to stop but he had forced him to continue...threatened this same girl.

Marco had moved mountains of cocaine to save her life but it ended up not being enough.

Trent had gotten vengeful and ended up getting everyone taken down all over this same girl.

Had it all been worth it?

Was she really that special?

He wasn't so sure.

* * *

_**[Part 2] **_

**Find My Way (The Gabe Dixon Band)**

* * *

**_Had it all been worth it?_**

**_Was she really that special?_**

**_He wasn't so sure._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**_June 20th, 2014_**

**_Henry,_**

**_I am not fucking happy right now. _****_Brittany has me sitting here in this damn apartment with the kids, Beth and very weepy Sandra. _**

**_She doesn't want to take the chance that I won't make it to the trial on Monday._**

**__****_And if I wasn't so pissed, I would be grateful...but I'm beyond pissed!_**

**__****__****_I feel like fucking pussy, hiding out like this!_**

**_Marco and his FBI tail are on their way to guard us. _**

**_Puck got shot and I can't even go to see him. _**

**_Dr. Cray is showing his reach from behind bars and he wants me dead._**

**_The authorities have realized that there is a price on my head and figure that both me and Marco are in serious danger._**

**_Finally...they realized just how fucking crazy that man is! _**

**_What makes them think the man won't try and level my building?_**

**_The door...and my sister is rushing to answer. _**

**_Licensed to kill and all...she is way too emotional right now to be holding a gun. _**

**_But she was short notice. _**

**_I'm going to go now. _**

**_-S_**

* * *

**Marco's POV**

* * *

Vows of peace and dedication go out the window when your family is threatened.

He had tried to kill her.

In broad daylight, in cold blood.

I should have killed him when I had the chance.

The Feds didn't want us in the same place as the same time after this but I insisted that I be with Anita.

I had the Feds to watch my back but who was watching hers?

I couldn't take the chance that his men would find her and kill her and the kids.

The authorities may be comfortable swapping one witness for another but I wasn't.

_"If you want to really protect them...then we pick her up and move her. Who knows what the plan is for that building. It hasn't been swept." _

_"Do what you need to do...just do quickly." _

I was completely on edge.

How had he even had the opportunity to do something like this?

And everyone knew...

They knew it was connected to him.

Asshole!

* * *

I sat in the back seat of the van and waited as they ushered her and the kids into the back.

_"Why YOU here?"_ Her son looked at me with squinted eyes as he climbed up on the bench beside me.

_"To look after you." _

_"I big guy...like Batman! You Batman?"_

I met Anita's eyes and she just nodded.

Apparently that was the only way to get her son to relax.

_"Yes." _

_"Mami, come sit with Batman!"_

_"Hold on a second." _

She was on her knees, strapping the baby into the car seat and then she turned and buckled Beth into the chair next to the baby.

When she plopped down next to me, she immediately pulled out her phone.

_**On the move. How is he?-Ana**_

_"Seatbelt, Papa...you know how." _

I watched as she helped her son to buckle himself in while reaching over my lap.

In the past it would have stirred something in me...but these days, I was back to seeing her as a sister.

That time in my life was gone.

I just wanted her safe.

Whatever the cost.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I had been nice long enough.

Seeing Puck laying in that bed looking so small, still unconscious made me angry.

Watching Rachel curled up next to him made me want that man's blood.

How dare he do this!

Quinn sat next to me and we just watched as Rachel had a whispered conversation with her husband.

It was the first time that I had really watched Rachel be a wife.

It fit her well.

Quinn on the other hand had been insanely quiet.

She just sat there in shock and didn't speak.

At least that was until Rachel moved Puck's hand onto her belly so that he could feel the baby.

_"Shit!"_ Quinn said as she stood to her feet and stormed from the room.

That's when my phone went off.

_**On the move. How is he?-Ana**_

I looked at Rachel and could see that she hadn't even flinched at Quinn freaking.

She just went right on and paid attention only to her husband.

**_Where to? Doctor's got the bullets out. Now we are just waiting for him to wake up. I love you!-Britt_**

**_Feds didn't think home was safe. Beth and the kids are still with me.-Ana_**

**_Good.-Britt_**

I was about to send another message when the constant beep of the heart monitor turned into one long noise.

Shit.

That couldn't be good!

* * *

I got pushed into the hallway along with a screaming Rachel and felt so helpless.

So, I walked away.

Let Quinn deal with her.

Right now my focus was in the hands of other people and I felt like I needed to be with her.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and walked down to the chapel.

It was the only place that I knew peace at times like this.

Even if Puck was Jewish...I felt like maybe he could use a prayer...Jesus WAS Jewish after all.

_"Britt?"_

_"Ana, thank goodness...where are you?"_

_"Staten Island." _

_"How are you?"_

_"I'm fine...just gave the kids a bath and now they are eating and watching Spongebob."_

_"Can we come to you?"_

_"Um...hold on a sec..."_

I sat there staring at the giant crucifix hoping that Puck survived this.

Ana would never forgive herself.

There was shuffling and then the line cut out.

I dialed back and got her voicemail.

_"Ana...look, things aren't looking good here. I know that I shouldn't be saying this over the phone but I have no choice. I'm going to check on Rachel and Quinn right now. Give Little B extra hugs and kisses. I love you always. Stay strong! We'll get through this."_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"Hello?" _I whispered into the phone.

_"Mommy?" _

I nearly broke when I heard my little girl's voice.

All I really wanted was to just hug her so badly.

_"Oh Beth! Honey...are you okay?"_

_"Yes...are you crying?"_

_"I'm just happy to hear your voice." _

_"You're weird Mommy!" _Her rich laugh broke through and I felt my heart grew like ten sizes.

_"Thank you."_

_"So, Auntie Tana had me call on Mr. Marco's phone, did you want to tell me something?"_

_"I love you!" _

_"I love you too." _

_"So what are you doing?"_

_"We are Auntie Tana's friend's house. She has a daughter and we were just playing Guitar Hero just like Daddy taught me. She can't beat me!" _She squealed and I felt myself calm a little.

Just thinking of how good he was with her made me want to cry again but I couldn't...not right now.

I was just praying that I wouldn't have to break her heart...he had to pull through.

There was no way that he couldn't.

A girl needs a Daddy...I should know.

And when it came to Puck he was a daddy to more than just Beth...San's kids look up to him too and then he has this little baby on the way.

He can't die like this.

It just isn't right.

_"Mommy? Are you okay?"_

_"Yea...where's Auntie Tana?"_

_"She's right behind me, braiding my hair." _

_"Can I talk to her?"_

_"Yea...hold on, please?"_

_"Okay, baby. I love you." _

_"I love you too!"_

* * *

I swallowed back my tears once more when I heard my best friend's voice.

_"Hey, Q. Tell me what's really going on...hold on a sec." _There was a lot of shuffling and then she was talking again...but not to me._ "Hey Little B...why don't you go play with the kids. Your mom and I need to talk." _There was another pause and then the sound of a door closing before she was back again._ "Okay, she's gone...spill." _

_"His heart stopped, apparently he is allergic to penicillin...did you know that?"_

_"Yea...I did and if they had let me go...fuck...is he alright?"_

"_They got it started again but now he's not doing as well as we all thought that he was." _

_"Of course not!"_ She seemed to be panicking. _"I should fucking be there!" _

_"There is nothing that you can do...they won't even let me in there...just Rachel." _

_"How is she?"_

_"A fucking mess. I already called off the wedding. I just can't celebrate with all this shit going on!" _

_"I'm really sorry about that, Q." _

_"It's fine...we can do it another time. I just want him to get through this and there is nothing that you can do. He wouldn't want you here. You owe it to him to be safe. Promise me that you are?"_

_"We're safe...the kids don't have a clue. Little B is excited to be around another girl close to her age and my kids...you know they are so used to be shuffled around that none of this is fazing them."_

_"And Marco?"_

_"Is pacing like a madman. It's great to not be on his bad side anymore."_

_"I second that." _

_"Quinn?"_ My head popped up and there was Rachel standing in the doorway.

_"San, I have to go, Rachel's calling me into the room. Stay safe...please?"_

_"I will. Just go. Send Rachel my love." _

_"I will."_

* * *

**A's POV**

* * *

A new sort of trinity had formed.

Quinn, Rachel, and Brittany stood over Noah's bed looking at his pale face late into the night.

Brittany was watching as an advocate for her wife, Quinn was standing there remembering everything that had ever happened between them and Rachel was watching as her biggest fear appeared before her eyes.

Call it a woman's intuition or just the looming cloud that was Santana but Rachel did not have a good feeling about their morning run.

She loved Santana and didn't wish her any harm but too many red flags were going up.

It had been really quiet in Brooklyn...things were too happy and this was a severe break in routine.

She had been trained as a performer to know that whenever there is a break in routine, there is an opening for chaos.

Everything was falling in on her and she was really glad that she was unable to drink.

The doctor's had told her that he was going to make it.

But something was wrong.

Seriously, fucked up.

They would get through this.

She was sure of it.

Even if this was not what she had anticipated.

* * *

It was just after midnight on what was supposed to be her wedding day, that Quinn sat watch as Brittany and Rachel slept cuddled on a cot a few feet away.

Her head have been reeling with Rachel's admission.

It had been like a fucking domino effect.

And now...she knew that her best friend would feel guilty about this...but at least he had gotten out alive.

Right?

_"Hey." _

A set of dark hazel eyes were looking up at her and she smiled.

_"Hey back...you gave us quite the scare, Puckerman." _

_"Yea?"_

_"Yes." _

_"Am I okay?"_

_"You're alive." _

_"Okay...and I'm going to stay alive right?"_

_"For now..." _

She tried to smile at her play at a joke but he didn't think it was funny.

This wasn't the joking Puck that she loved...this was Noah, a father, an athlete, cop, and a damn good man who was asking her a serious question.

_"Tell me..."_

_"You might be permanently paralyzed."_

It was then that he attempted to move his legs.

No luck.

He looked frantic as he tried again and then threw his head back.

_"Shit." _

_"Shit is right."_

* * *

**Puck's POV**

* * *

_"Hey." _

_"Oh my God, Nono...you're alive!" _

I couldn't hold in my laugh.

_"Yep...definitely alive." _

_"Thank God! I am so sorry about everything!" _

_"None of this is your fault."_

_"How is it not? Britt told me that you can't walk! How is that not my fault?"_

_"Santana, I'm a cop...they prepare you for these kinds of things in the fucking academy. You know that this isn't a death sentence...I mean come on...Artie showed that...right?"_

_"Yea."_

_"He was so successful that he stole your woman right from under your feet." _

_"Haha!" _There was the snark that I was looking for.

_"Look, TT, Know that, I would stand in front of a bullet for you again, again. So, don't you get all pitiful and shit...I don't want you feeling sorry for me. Got it?"_

_"Got it." _

_"Good...are you okay? I shoved you pretty hard."_

_"Some scrapes but nothing that I can't handle." _

_"Good. Don't worry about me, okay?"_

I could hear the tears in her voice but she pushed through them for me, just like I knew that she would.

_"Okay." _

_"Good. Now...put my little girl on the phone." _

_"Okay...I love you Noah." _

_"Okay, okay...fine...I love you too sweetheart...now where's my little girl?"_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Better now that I've talked to him." _

_"Have you talked to Brittany?"_

_"She's on her way there with my mom...they have a police escort." _

_"Good." _

_"Yea...it's just really screwed up...he took a bullet for me." _

_"And what...you wouldn't do it for him?"_

_"Yea I would." _

_"And if this was you...how would you want him to feel?"_

_"Happy that he had someone watching his back." _

_"Okay...well...that's how you should be then...right?"_

_"I know...in theory it sounds great but in practice...it just sucks." _

_"Tell me what to do...what can I do to make you feel better?"_

_"I don't even know." _

I sat on the couch with Daniela in my arms looking at Marco as he rolled a ball back and forth with the kids on the floor.

He was doing everything right.

The kids didn't know any difference and Brenda had been a God send allowing us to stay in her house like this.

When I had called her she didn't even hesitate when I asked if I could bring a troop of people to her house.

It warmed my heart that I could at least make the kids feel like they were home even in the midst of danger.

Not even Beth, who was older was any the wiser.

I prided myself on that as I sat up all night watching them sleep.

I was waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

And even though we had literal armed guards...I just didn't feel safe.

Things could be much worse...

But they weren't,

And I had to at least be thankful for that much.

* * *

I was literally on edge until there was a knock at the door.

The sight of Quinn and Britt made me feel a shitload better.

I flew into Britt's arms and she was ready for me as I wrapped my legs around her waist and just inhaled her scent.

She rubbed my back and that's when I broke.

_"It's okay, baby. It's okay...I'm here."_

I nodded against her as she carried me to a quieter area of the house.

Once we were alone, she put me down onto my feet.

My feet.

Standing.

I broke again and buried my face into her shirt.

She seemed relieved just to be holding me and didn't put up much fuss.

_"I'm here now...I found you baby." _

_"I love you." _

_"Always, Ana...I will always love you." _

She kissed my face as we lay on the bed.

And just like that in her arms, wrapped in the safety of her,

I fell into a peaceful sleep.

In her arms, I was safe.

In her arms, I was home.

* * *

_**A/N: Okay lovelies...I'm stopping here. All mistakes are mine. I will edit them later. Three chapters in three days! Make sure you got them all...oh and read the one shots if you haven't! They answer questions some people have been asking! :)** _


	67. Chapter 67:Incondicional, Shake It Out

_**A/N: The end is so close! This chapter and then one more in the present and then the epilogue! So excited to finally bring you to the end! :) I usually try not to use a song previously on the show and a few times I did it first ;) I'm breaking that today! I love this song so much that I have decided to use it. Breaking this chapter into two again. Enjoy!**_

* * *

**Chapter 67: Incondicional, Shake It Out**

* * *

**_[Part 1]_**

**Incondicional (Prince Royce)**

* * *

**_And just like that in her arms, wrapped in the safety of her,_**

**_I fell into a peaceful sleep._**

**_In her arms, I was safe._**

**_In her arms, I was home._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**_June 21st, 2014_**

**_Hi Henry, _**

**_So, lets talk about the fact that we are in a safe house now in New Jersey. _**

**_It sucks. _**

**_My expectation was to be celebrating Quinn and Celia right now and not developing flu-like symptoms in a bunker! _**

**_But at least I'm alive...that's what everyone keeps saying. _**

**_Really though, what kind of life is this? _**

**_It's the first day of summer and my kids are stuck inside. _**

**_Britt has been trying her best to keep us all in good spirits but I think that even she is a bit bummed. _**

**_I just keep telling myself that this will be over soon. That we will put that asshole away and then we can move on with our lives. _**

**_I have to go...Mami duty calls!_**

**_Frustrated and bored!_**

**_-S_**

* * *

_"Stop moping."_

_"I'm not moping." _

Britt plopped down next to me and pulled my feet onto her lap.

She smiled as she pried Henry from my hands and put him on the end table.

_"You are definitely moping and it's bumming me out. I don't like this either but it's for the best." _

_"Ugh!"_ I covered up my face when Isaac walked over to the couch with snot running down his face. _"Papa, go get tissue! That's gross!"_ I snapped.

He looked at me with watery eyes, threw his head back and began to cry.

No actually, scratch that...he was bellowing!

Like a banshee!

_"I sorry, Mami!"_ He screamed before all out throwing himself on the floor.

_"What the heck, man! Seriously?"_ I snapped again.

Britt looked at me with her lip between her teeth and then down at Isaac.

_"Come on, Izzy. Mami needs a time out and you need a nap."_

He held his arms up for her but didn't stop screaming.

_"Lord have mercy! You're blaming me?"_

Britt rocked Isaac in her arms and wiped at his nose with her sleeve.

_"You yelled at him, twice...so yes."_

I didn't get to defend myself before she left me sitting there, stewing in my own annoyance.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"She's making me crazy...can we please go home? Can't you guys like sweep our apartment...at least there she has her piano!"_

Ana was in a really bitchy mood and I just didn't feel like dealing with her.

We were all feeling a bit sick and she was just making an uncomfortable situation even worse.

_"I'm sorry, Mrs. Lopez, the apartment floor plan is just too compromising." _

_"Okay...so our house then...please?"_

_"I'm going to have to talk my superior and I can get back to you." _

_"Great...so then yes?"_

_"I'll get back to you." _

_"When?"_

Fuck it, if Ana was going to harass me and the kids...then I would harass the FBI guys.

The guy smiled at me and then walked away without saying another word.

_"Damnit, Daniela Amaris...no!" _

What now?

More screaming from her...more crying from one of the kids.

This had to stop.

* * *

When I got into the living room area, Ana was on her hands and knees wiping up a spilled sippy cup.

Did she really just yell at the baby over spilled milk?

Could anything be funnier?

I stood there holding my crying baby girl and watched Ana clean the floor.

Meanwhile, I rubbed the baby's back, trying my best not to laugh.

_"Mrs. Lopez?"_

I turned my head to answer the FBI guy but Ana answered first.

_"What?!"_

This guy must deal with crazy people all the time because he didn't even flinch at her snapping at him.

_"You have just been given clearance to return to your home in Westchester." _

_"Thank the sweet fucking baby Jesus. This has been the biggest colossal waste of my time and tax dollars! Thank you very fucking much!"_ She jumped to her feet and went to storm out of the room.

But I caught her arm in my hand before she could pass me.

_"Santana! That's enough!"_ I snapped at her.

_"Fuck that...where was the fucking FBI when Puck was getting shot? Here's a tip man in black...be proactive not reactive. This is just bullshit!"_

She yelled the last part just two inches from my face.

Dani threw her head back and started screaming.

She had crossed the line.

That was so uncalled for.

But she didn't apologize, instead she just stormed away.

I was pissed!

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The moment that we got back to our house, Britt sent me inside the house and then drove of with the kids.

Our FBI detail was going to be camped out in our guest house at her insistence.

It was ridiculous.

On top of that, I knew that she was pissed at me.

Shit, I was pissed at myself.

This was just too fucking much.

But I knew that I had crossed the line.

I took our stuff up to the room and unpacked.

In the process, I caught a glimpse of just where my wife had gone.

The awesome thing about my bedroom balcony is that I have clear view of Sandra's house.

And there was Britt taking the kids out of the car and handing them to my sister.

Which meant she was coming home to dig in my ass about the way that I was acting.

I deserved it.

And as if she knew what I was doing, Britt turned and looked right at me.

I froze in place.

She was really pissed.

Shit.

* * *

I had finished unpacking and was in the process of changing my clothes when Britt stormed into the room.

_"B...I-"_

She ignored me and walked straight into the bathroom.

I followed her and could see that she was under the sink.

_"Finish taking your clothes off."_ She grumbled.

_"What?"_ I said.

_"Do not make me repeat myself!" _I froze when her voice mirrored the way that I had yelled earlier. _"Now, Santana...naked and on the bed!" _

Seeing her all flustered was turning me on.

A lot!

_"Yes ma'am."_ I muttered before I continued to strip down to nothing.

She stood to her feet with the bag and met my eyes as I laid back on the bed.

There was no smile on her face like normal...instead her eyes were cold as she squinted them.

I was about to speak but then she turned her back and shut the bathroom door.

I was thrown off as I laid there waiting for her.

Was I supposed to do something else?

My phone buzzed at the exact moment.

**_Get urself warmed up...do not cum!-Britt_**

_"Shit."_ I mumbled as I put my phone down.

She wanted me to touch myself...

What was she planning?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I stood in front of the mirror and dug through our bag of toys.

We never used half of the stuff.

Most of it was still in its packaging.

One day when we had started messing around, we had created a sex bucket list of things that we wanted to try.

The next day, Ana had used her personal checking account and we just bought all this stuff at a sex store in Dayton.

We had filled up two bags and really only used the strap on and the handcuffs but today, I was going to use everything.

I had been pushed beyond my limit and so I figured that it was about time that we both relieved our stress.

And the best way to do that is to be in control and make Ana remember her place.

I know that sounds bad...but I mean it in a good way.

This needed to be fun again.

Because at the rate that we were going, by the time the trial was over, she was going to be a nightmare.

It was way too serious, lately.

She needed me to take over.

And I would.

In the best way ever!

* * *

When I stepped out into the bedroom, the sounds coming from Ana made me stop in my tracks.

She was arching her back with her face buried in the pillows and her hand was moving so fast.

I slowly approached the end of the bed and just watched.

Her legs were spread open and I could see just how worked up she had gotten herself.

It was a beautiful sight that I could have probably watched all day but I knew her.

The moans were starting to pile on top of each other...she was going to come any second.

I took a deep breath and dug the handcuffs out of my pocket.

She had no idea what she was in for if she let herself cum.

I was hovering over the side of the bed as her breathing got harsher and then it came.

Well...she came.

My anger spiked.

She didn't stop after her orgasm instead she was pressing forward to get another one.

Unacceptable.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I swear that I was going to stop.

When I first put my hand down there, I was bone dry.

It took me thinking about being bent over while Britt fucked me to get the show on the road.

It had been a while since I had a proper orgasm and so once I felt it coming...I couldn't stop myself.

Everything just felt so good...I tried to cover my moans with the pillow and hoped that Britt wouldn't see me.

But then I kept going.

And she let me.

I fell back against the bed, exhausted after four back to back orgasms and took a deep breath.

I hadn't opened my eyes yet hoping that the presence that I felt hovering above me was just my imagination.

_"Roll onto your stomach and put your arms behind your back."_

My eyes snapped open and there was Britt standing there in her bra and an empty harness.

She wasn't smiling.

The look in her eyes was gleaming and from the flushed look on her face, I could tell that she had seen everything.

If I was in kind of deep shit before, now I was buried in it.

_"Br-"_ I was cut off by the sound of metal clinking and my eyes got wide.

The handcuffs.

Something that I only used on her.

Shit!

I turned onto my stomach and in the process my legs rubbed together, I had soaked not only my thighs but the bed.

The wet spot pressed against my stomach as I folded my hands behind my back.

_"Like this, B?"_

_"Let those be the last words you say until you earn the right to speak again."_

I swallowed hard and buried my burning face against the mattress.

Her voice and her tone had made a new gush of wetness leak from me.

She was seriously turning me on.

* * *

The cool brush of the metal on my wrists was swiftly followed by the clink of the lock.

I laid there afraid to move and instead just listened as the zipper of the bag sounded out.

She wasn't finished.

I wanted to look at her but somehow I knew that she didn't want that.

Maybe it was years of being intimate with her that suddenly had a sobering effect on my actions.

_"Move."_

I didn't have time to figure out just where she wanted me to go before I felt the comforter being pulled out from under me and the pillows zip by my head.

I rolled this way and that, trying my best to get out of her way.

Never once did I think to actually roll off the bed.

She needed to be more direct.

I opened my mouth to tell her just that.

_"B-"_

That's as far as I got before she grabbed my arm and rolled me over.

Fortunately, I had experience with handcuffs.

A novice would have broken their wrist but I just arched my back so that I could get my hands as flat as possible.

Britt was straddling my stomach and looking down at me not saying or doing anything.

I was going crazy as I looked up at her and got so worked up just rubbing my thighs together that a moan escaped my lips.

_"Fuck."_ I groaned.

Britt's face filled with anger.

It didn't scare me though.

I knew that it wasn't a bad anger...just a frustrated anger.

_"I've had enough of you and your shit, Santana. I want you to stop giving in to your fears...they are ruining everything. You crossed a ton of lines today. You broke your own rules when it comes to the kids and you weren't open and honest with me. Everything that came out of your mouth was hurtful and vicious! You cursed at the baby and I will not tolerate it. We've had this control thing going and it's been going good...but then it wasn't...you need to be more careful about what you say and what you do. So you don't get to talk. You need to earn that right back. Nod if you understand."_

I nodded as tears flooded my eyes.

I felt really bad about what I had done.

It was out of control.

Britt was right.

_"Tonight you show me all your faith, your trust, and maybe I will forgive you."_

I nodded again.

_"And because you went ahead and decided to cum without my permission...no matter what happens you cannot cum again until I say so. Got it?"_

I felt like I was going to cry.

And so I did.

As I nodded my head, I allowed the tears to come pouring down.

I felt awful.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

If I didn't know her any better, I would have thought that she was in pain.

But I knew better.

These were tears of regret.

And there was only one way to make it better.

She had to earn my forgiveness.

I leaned over and dug through the bag again.

A gag.

She was going to need it.

I planned to push her to her limit and this would cushion that.

At least, it was my hope...this was one of those first time things but I had watched enough porn and heard enough stories from Frankie that I had a pretty good handle on most of the things in the bag.

Ana was actually the bigger prude.

Go figure.

She continued to cry and I let her.

I took my time laying out the things that I needed.

Keeping in mind that she had approved of every single thing in this bag and so this stuff was okay for me to use.

We had looked through it just before moving into the house so I knew that it was still alright.

_"Look at me."_ I still felt like I had to make sure. Her dark eyes snapped up to me and she swallowed hard. _"I'm going to use everything in this bag...do you understand?"_

She nodded and looked kind of excited about it.

_"Do you want a safety word?"_

She shook her head.

_"I need to hear you say it."_

She cleared her throat and choked back a sob.

_"I trust you. Please...just make this pain go away...please...just take all of me...please?"_

I picked up the black gag and put it to her lips.

_"Open."_

She didn't hesitate as she opened her mouth.

The ball sat at her lips as I wrapped it around the back of her head.

She bit into the ball and then looked up at me with grateful eyes.

I had given her a way to keep her words to herself.

* * *

When I climbed off of her, I pulled her up until she was kneeling in front of me.

She dropped her head and even though that's what I have seen many women do in the videos, too much had happened for me to not look at her.

I wanted her to be a part of this.

This wasn't happening to her but with her...she needed to participate.

_"I want to see your eyes at all times...lift up your head."_

The look in her eyes when she looked at me told me that I had made the right decision.

The dark beauty of her eyes had shown me fear glazed over them.

Now though she had fire back in her eyes.

She was determined to do everything just right.

I just had to remember why I was doing this...that way we could both get off in the end.

That was really important to me.

I leaned into her and placed my lips just by her ear.

_"I'm really disappointed in you...four orgasms...wow...no loyalty. You know, I saw how wet you were as I watched you getting yourself off. You were going crazy, moaning and your hand moved so fast while you just kept going...even when I told you not to. But you kept right on, just forgetting that I was in the next room. Were you thinking about me at least?"_

Her body shivered as she let out a moan and nodded.

I put my hand between her legs and pulled my coated fingers to my lips.

Always so sweet.

She shivered and leaned toward me but I backed up and shook my head.

"_Shame that you can't touch me anymore. Stay right where you are...don't move."_

I laid back on the bed...just in front of her and buried my hand just below the harness.

Her eyes went wide, this was something that I never did in front of her.

And now...it would be the start of her learning to resist her urges.

This was going to be fun!

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Oh God!

I could smell her as she began to play with herself.

She stared into my eyes but I couldn't keep my eyes off of her hands.

She kept her left hand on my thigh and kept dragging her hand down her amazing abs, dipping under the harness and then using the wetness to lubricate her hard nipples.

I bit hard into the rubber ball in my mouth as my fists clenched behind my back.

_"Mmmm...so good."_ She moaned and squeezed my leg._ "Fuck...is this how you did it baby? You fucked yourself so good...now you can't fuck me. Now I just have to do it myself!"_

I groaned as she moved her fingers closer to the center of me.

The wetness was dripping down my legs and was on the sides of my knees.

_"So fucking wet." _

I had closed my eyes for a split second or that's what it felt like as her fingers traced my folds slowly.

Up...down...around.

So fucking good.

I watched as she came and nearly did just from watching.

She noticed and in the next moment I regretted almost losing it.

I had closed my eyes and was moaning.

She pulled her hand back from me immediately and my eyes snapped open.

I groaned at her absence and she just smirked.

I watched in desperate fascination as she brought her fingers to her lips and sucked them into her mouth one by one.

_"So good...do you want to sit on my face baby?"_

I could feel how wide my eyes went as I nodded.

It had been too easy...I should have known better.

_"Too bad."_

I felt like I wanted to jump on her.

This was torture!

* * *

She smiled at me as she crawled over to the bag and pulled more things out.

My eyes went wide.

She had been watching me.

_"Perfect...you want to be a pain in everyone else's ass...lets see how you like it. Spread your knees."_

I swallowed back my nerves as I spread my knees.

She took the thick piece of plastic out of its package and smirked to herself.

_"You ready baby?"_

I nodded and tried to swallow back my fears.

_"Don't you dare hold back your screams...understand?"_

She was behind me whispering into my ear.

I shivered as she ran her fingers through my soaking heat and then she took the plastic and without any warning shoved it into me.

I moaned.

Fuck that was big.

It felt amazing until she didn't do anything but hold it in place.

Her lips hovered by the side of my face as she waited for me to squirm.

But I still had a fight in me.

Fuck.

Wrong move.

She pushed on my back until my face was buried into the wet spot that she had just left on the bed after getting herself off.

I inhaled without shame, regretful that I hadn't been the one to make her cum and then it hit me.

She had done it on purpose.

I had been so distracted by the scent and taste of her on the sheets just like she wanted and so didn't notice when she had taken the plastic and was pressing it into my ass.

It was so wet from being shoved in me, that it didn't meet much resistance.

By the time that I realized what she was doing it was halfway in.

I moaned as it stretched me wide.

_"You're doing so good, Ana...just a little more baby."_

She was speaking in such a soft voice that I almost forgot that she was shoving a plug up my ass.

Fuck!

Once it was in she moved it while playing with my clit and I let out a muted scream.

I was so fucking close and just like always she knew.

_"Don't you dare." _She growled into my ear.

I was in tears again as I tried to control the only thing that she would allow me to.

_"Let put this harness to use...shall we?"_

I didn't budge as she pulled away from my body.

My mind was gone.

I was just lust fueled and craving release.

She was way too fucking good at this.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

She was breaking through her pride.

Everything that I asked of her, she was doing and so I made sure to find ways to reward her.

She was kneeling in the center of the bed now, watching me and taking deep breaths through her nose.

I was standing at the end of the bed getting ready to pull the big dildo out...the one that we hadn't used yet when I came across something shiny in a clear box.

I picked up the box and held it towards her.

_"Can you handle this?"_

She looked at the box and then looked at me and nodded.

I could sense her nerves but she wasn't showing them.

She was still trying to hold back and I didn't like it one bit.

I sighed and put the box back in the bag.

My head hurt.

When I looked up again her face was scrunched up and her eyes looked scared.

I missed her voice.

So, I reached up and untied the gag.

I thought that she would stop biting it but she didn't.

So I gave it a tug until she let it go.

_"I can't deal with you...I think you need a timeout."_

She shook her head and pressed her lips together.

I sighed and nodded.

_"You do. So I want you to just stay in here and I'm going to go check on the kids. When I get back, I want you to be prepared to break in front of me_."

_"Or?"_ She said in a deeper than normal, raspy voice.

_"The fact that you have to even ask that, lets me know that I'm right to leave you here."_

My heart was heavy and honestly, I wasn't trusting myself to make clear decisions at the moment.

At the last second, I leaned over and held her arms...helping her off the bed.

She looked confused but didn't question me as I led her into the corner of the room and stood her in front of our mirror.

She immediately dropped her eyes.

Unacceptable.

When we first met, I couldn't keep her from her reflection and now she couldn't stand to look for more than a few moments.

* * *

_"I want you to sit cross-legged in front of this mirror until, I come back. Lift your eyes up and look at yourself."_

Her eyes snapped up and she met her own eyes.

I stepped back and almost immediately she burst into tears but she didn't look away from herself.

It was a technique that Sue had taught us.

Only people who feel worthy of themselves can look in their own eyes for long periods of time.

It's like seeing your own soul reflected back and there is no way to hide anything.

And more than anything she needed to feel worthy again, she knew what this was, she had been trying to prove to everyone how confident she was.

But she couldn't lie to herself, she wanted to be confident and be worthy, that's how I knew that she wouldn't look away.

She wanted to keep her broken pieces from me and so now I was calling her bluff.

I left her in front of the mirror and went back to the bed.

The bag was still there just taunting me.

I still wanted this to feel good.

I dug through it and found this lotion cream stuff that made things tingle.

Awesome.

I tossed it on the bed and then proceeded to get dressed.

When I slipped on my sandals, I looked over at her and could see that she was still staring blankly into her own eyes.

She was still managing to shut down.

I grabbed the tube and knelt down beside her.

_"I want you to repeat over and over...tell yourself that you are worthy of love and that nobody is going to take that away."_

While I spoke I spread the cream on her nipples and then on her clit. She moaned as it began to take effect.

_"B..." _She whispered.

_"Say the words and don't stop until I get back."_

_"O...Okay."_

The last thing I saw before I left was the desperate look on her face as she tried to do as I asked.

She needed this more than she realized.

In two days she was going to be testifying and she needed to feel confident.

She needed to just state facts and not attach her emotions to them.

A man like that wanted to see her broken over what he had done.

If I had my way, he wouldn't get that satisfaction.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The door closed and I swear it echoed through my body.

I was on the verge of a breakdown and I knew that's what she wanted.

My ass was being stretched, my nipples and clit were buzzing with whatever she put on them.

My hands were still clenched together...and I was grateful.

All of those things combined were keeping me from being trapped in my head.

I wanted her so badly and I was willing to do anything for her to take me over the edge into bliss.

This though...I hadn't been expecting.

My muddy brown eyes looked back at me and I couldn't recognize the eyes that I had always thought that I knew so well.

I could see my own stress and sadness.

I could see my own weakness and wondered how Britt could see these same eyes and marry me for a third time.

She saw what I couldn't see and I wanted so badly to not have to do this anymore.

I wanted to be worthy and confident.

This sucked but I appreciated it more than just getting off.

I had been harsh and cruel to my own children.

After dealing with so much abuse and abandonment as a child, I had promised myself that I would never be that type of parent.

This was Britt holding me to that...calling me out on my shit before it got out of control.

_"I'm worthy...of love and nobody can take that from me."_

I saw the flicker of doubt and disbelief in my own eyes and knew immediately that this was what Britt must have been seeing.

I didn't like that one bit.

_"I'm so fucking tired..."_ I said to myself_. "Tired of being a victim...I want to be worthy of Britt and worthy of my kids. I am worthy. I AM worthy...IM SO FUCKING WORTHY!"_

I was giggling after that.

I was thinking about the last time that I tried this exercise...back in my little hole of a room in Lima.

I was trying to tell myself that I was stronger than drugs and I did it at every free moment.

After about three days, I finally started to believe it.

But that was only after I had fully given myself over to the words that I was speaking.

I needed to get to that place in my head again.

This was no longer just my pride, it was the truth of my heart.

After this trial, Britt was taking me away so that we could start a better life.

She would be in school and working, leaving me to be with the kids most of the time.

And if I was going to be an effective parent then I was going to have to trust myself.

Britt had to have faith in me and right now I could tell that after my display earlier, that I was wearing her faith and patience thin.

She needed to know that she was doing the right thing and I needed to back her up.

I had to communicate better and that started with me.

I had to fully believe and stand by the words coming from my mouth.

I clenched my body and stared into my eyes again and began to speak slowly.

My eyes flickered with less doubt and more belief the more that I spoke.

Because I AM worthy and NOBODY can take that from me but ME. I am worthy and I won't stand in my own way.

I reached a point of acceptance.

I could say the words and believe them, now I just had to make Britt believe them.

Every time that I have given in to my wife, she has never disappointed me.

I had to be confident in my own self worth and realize that she loved me, flaws and all and I was worthy of all of the love she had to offer.

_"Give in Lopez, she loves you. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give her everything because she doesn't deserve anything less."_

* * *

By the time that the door opened again, I was so ready to prove myself to her.

I could see it in my eyes, they were shining with tears of relief and happiness.

Britt stood just out of my line of sight but I knew that she was there.

The words were falling effortlessly from my lips at this point.

I did not look away from myself and I was rewarded for it.

In my peripheral vision, I could see her moving close to me but I didn't waver from what she had asked of me.

_"Look at me."_

I looked at her and could see that she had stripped back down and was once again in the harness.

I looked in her eyes and tried to convey everything that I was feeling.

She didn't tell me that I could speak and so I wouldn't.

I had talked enough.

She smiled when she saw that I was waiting for direction.

I did well.

She put the bag on the floor next to me and knelt behind me.

I kept my eyes on hers through the mirror and waited patiently for her to do whatever she wanted.

I trusted her with my mind, body and soul, knowing that she would never hurt me again.

I was hers and she was mine.

Always.

_"I'm going to keep going...I am going to use everything in this bag and I'm not going to do anything that will take you past your limits. Tell me what you need...what you want from this...don't look away."_

I nodded and allowed my breath to hitch as she began to put my cream on my nipples.

_"I want you to show me how to give in. I want to show you how worthy I am of your love. I trust you to give me what I need and I know that I won't hold back anymore. You are worthy of my love...the good stuff and the dark damaged stuff."_

She smiled and then attached the gold nipple clams that were in the clear box.

I hissed and squirmed, proud of myself for showing that to her.

She wanted me to respond, to participate in this.

When she saw that I reacted she helped me to my knees.

We didn't break eye contact as she attached the chain to the end of each clamp and then tugged.

_"Fuck."_ I groaned and leaned into her touch.

I was showing her that it was okay to keep going.

This wasn't too far.

_"You want more?"_ She whispered against my ear.

_"Yessss."_ I hissed out.

She kissed my shoulder and then looked up at me again.

_"I love you."_

_"I love you, B."_

_"Glad to hear it."_

She smiled viciously and put the gag back to my lips.

I opened my mouth and gladly accepted the ball between my teeth again.

Never did my eyes stray from hers.

I knew that this was important.

We both needed this.

I winked at her and she scrunched up her nose, making her freckles stand out.

She brushed my hair from my face and kissed my temple.

Because I had shown myself to her she wrapped an arm around my waist and used her other hand to slowly circle my clit.

I wanted to throw my head back and revel in this feeling but I maintained eye contact.

My body was on edge as she kissed my neck and pulled me flush against her.

I was about to break and she kissed me again before tugging the chain.

My nipples stood at attention.

_"Cum...only once." _

She bit my shoulder while pulling the chain and rubbing furiously at my clit.

I looked into her eyes as my orgasm crashed over me.

Britt looked so proud of me and it made me feel so amazing.

No one could build me back up like she could.

I had never been more aware of it, than in that moment.

* * *

_**[Part 2]**_

**Shake It Out (Glee Cast)**

* * *

_**No one could build me back up like she could.**_

_**I had never been more aware of it, than in that moment.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

When I walked into the courtroom on Monday morning, I was dressed in a white suit...something similar to that dream I had back during Britney Spears week.

It was pressed and I left my hair hanging down around my face.

Britt held tight to my hand as she led me into the first row.

She leaned in towards my ear and kissed my face.

_"Don't forget...find my eyes...okay?"_

I nodded and then slid onto the wooden bench.

The moment that I sat down, I could feel how stretched I was.

When Britt had suggested keeping it in, I hadn't hesitated...if she was suggesting it, then she had a reason.

I jolted a little when I felt it shift.

Britt rested her hand just above my ass and then slid it around my waist.

We were the first ones there and she used it to her advantage as she took her hand and pressed against it before quickly putting it around my waist again.

_"Fuck...the things you do to me." _

I looked over at her and she was smirking.

The door to the courtroom swung open and she winked at me.

_"If you think this is something...just think of the things...that I will continue to do to you, once we get home." _

I shuddered just two seconds before Mami showed up in my line of vision holding a drink carrier.

Coffee!

Thank God!

I needed the distraction.

* * *

_"There's something that I need to tell you."_ Mami said as she handed me my coffee.

I looked at her and patted the bench beside me.

_"Okay...tell me."_

She looked at me and then down at her cup.

_"I haven't been completely honest with you in the past-"_

I cut her off and placed my arm around her.

_"Mami...you and I have our differences but I still love you. That hasn't changed."_

She smiled at me with sad eyes, it must have taken a lot of her to tell me what she just did.

She went to speak again but then the rest of our family began to fill up the seats around us and she just closed her mouth and got lost in her own thoughts.

I swallowed back my coffee and tried to push past the feelings that were clouding my mind.

And then I didn't have to try anymore because he was being led into the courtroom in shackles.

I heard a yelp from behind me and I knew immediately that it was Sandra.

Just the day before we had breakfast with her and Johnny and she had told us in painstaking detail what she had been through.

It made me sick to know that everything that he had done to me had started with my sister.

Somehow that made everything that much worse.

When it was just me going through those things, I kind of accepted that it was my plight in life to suffer through those types of things.

But this took it to a whole other level for me.

It was a personal attack against my family and I couldn't stand for that.

I had been all set to fight and then I felt like cold water had been splashed at me.

_"No way."_ I looked over at Marco and shook my head.

_"Why is he here?"_

_"I don't know...I didn't even know that they knew each other." _

_"This can't be good...fuck."_

Britt held tightly to my waist and I looked at her with a sad smile.

_"That's Mr. Evans."_

Her head snapped towards the older man and then she looked at me in shock.

_"The bacon guy?"_

I swallowed the bile in the back of my throat and nodded.

_"I can't do this, B. Not with him here."_

She leaned next to my ear and sucked it into her mouth.

I knew that the view of what she was doing was blocked by my hair and leaned into it.

She sucked harder and then she gave a little nip before pulling away.

_"You are going to go up there and be amazing. I have faith in you. Don't let them win. Remember who you belong to." _

_"You?"_ I whispered as I stared blankly ahead.

Britt moved her head back in shock and I turned to look at her.

My word stung worse than a slap.

_"Don't you?"_

She looked like she wanted to get up and punch the men in their faces and I'm sure that if she could...she would have.

_"Always."_

_"You can do this...I promise that you can." _

I nodded at her and then refocused on the cup in my hands.

_"Okay, B. If you say that I can...then I have to believe that."_

That was all that I could give her.

Assurance that I could do it...even if I was doubting myself.

* * *

**Sandra's POV**

* * *

Seeing him made my heart start racing.

Johnny wrapped his arm around me and pulled me against him before kissing the side of my face.

_"I'm here, my love."_ He whispered before kissing me again.

I nodded but didn't take my eyes off of the man who was sitting in the same room as me.

My mind replayed how he had snuck into my room and hovered over Celia...but because of me, he never got much further than that.

I told him not to touch her and he moved over to me, told me how he likes a fighter...likes them strong...and so he dragged me to his room.

Every night was like that for a whole week before I went to Papi and begged him to send me and Ceily back home.

I told him how I missed my friends, my mother and my little sisters.

Even though Papi pretended that he didn't know anything, I believe that my plea to him told him otherwise.

He didn't argue with me about going back to PR even though he had fought like hell to get custody of us.

And once we were back home, I spent the rest of my years up until leaving for the military, preparing my younger sisters for the cruel world.

I was open and honest with them about sex and all the baggage that comes along with it.

My mother never had to worry that they would get pregnant or come home with diseases because I stepped in and made sure of it.

I never spoke a word to anyone about what I had gone through.

Instead, I just used my struggle to remind me of the evil in the world.

My sisters were always protected.

At least that is what I had believed with my whole heart but I had underestimated the reach that he would have on my youngest sister.

Santana had always been the most privileged of us and because she had Papi right there with her, I had just assumed that she would never have to worry about anything like that, ever.

I was very wrong.

Santana had suffered almost as early as she could walk.

She knew fear, sadness and before she could even drive,

And now she had just reached legal age and was a mother, a wife and a victim.

I had failed her.

Of that I was certain.

But she was still forgiving.

She didn't push it on anyone else.

Never complained and while some might say that it was too little, too late, I liked to believe that I could still help her.

Still shield her...from the darkness but someone else had stepped in.

And up until recently...I held a bitterness against her like none that I had ever felt before with the exception of the man that stole my innocence.

* * *

Brittany sat beside her and helped her to be stronger than I had ever seen her.

When I had first met Brittany, I thought that she was just way too flaky for my sister but then I started to like her more and more.

I tolerated her when I heard about Frankie because my sister had begged me to but I totally wanted to kill her when she nearly killed my sister.

In fact I had even tried.

People wanted me to go easy on her because Santana insisted that she had changed and I had even started to believe it.

Then more stuff happened and I had given up.

Each time that I wanted to cut her off, Ana had come to me and begged me to give her another chance.

This last time though...after my sister made me second guess her own choices, I saw the change in Brittany.

When she was forced to be a single mom and make decisions based on the kids first, I was amazed by what I saw.

She was, every day, becoming more and more like the wife that my sister deserved.

Brittany had become a true Lopez and I was for the first time, truly proud to have her as my sister-in-law.

What solidified that for me though was the way that, just before Ana got up to testify, Brittany tenderly touched her face and whispered softly to her.

My sister literally went from looking jittery to confident.

She stood to her feet, smiled down at her wife and then walked up to the witness stand, projecting humility and strength.

They were traits that I hadn't seen her genuinely show in a very long time and it was a welcome sight.

* * *

**A's POV**

* * *

A hush fell over the courtroom as Santana recounted the terror from that fateful afternoon had brought her.

For her it was almost just a recitation of the facts but she still had the emotions, still had the looks of fear and pain.

For her though, it was the thought that he would get away with it that had her in tears.

His lawyer was being ruthless and rude as he spat questions out trying to trip her up.

But she had that ace up her sleeve.

She wasn't supposed to remember the recordings.

Why would he even think that she would?

It had been a throwaway comment but Santana Lopez never forgets.

Her parents had never been around and that had given her an almost sponge like memory.

She soaked up every moment with them, afraid that one day they just wouldn't come home.

He had been thrusting into her after beating her to a pulp when he had made the comment that he would enjoy watching this later.

She had stashed the thought away and had since only brought it up to Captain Dominguez.

Now though...they looked intrigued as she explained what she knew.

Every deal...every murder happened in that room.

She knew that...it was so rapid and prevalent, the rapes and murders that a thick smell of sex and blood permeated from the furniture.

The jury was eating up her every word but she wasn't even paying attention to them.

Her attention rested solely on the deep blue eyes across the room.

Britt kept her centered and when that wasn't enough, all she needed to do was readjust herself to feel Britt's mark upon her.

This had been her plan.

Britt had wanted to give her something to hold onto.

Literally.

After every question she would shift and remind herself just who she belonged to.

Who owned her heart and her body.

Dr. Cray would never have her the way that he wanted to.

* * *

He sat there watching her talk about all their time together and it took everything in him to keep his face neutral.

Those sessions with her were some of his favorites and she had been correct, in the time that he was away from her, he had spent many nights watching them over and over.

It was the screams and the pleading that he would never forget.

She was his muse.

And even in that courtroom, surrounded by his peers, he was imagining her in the crudest ways.

He shifted in his seat, just watching her.

Just once he wanted her eyes to connect with his but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

It angered him that after all they had been through together that she wouldn't even honor him with a glance.

He clenched his fists and squinted his eyes, trying to will her to look at him.

Mr. Evans leaned against his ear and cleared his throat.

_"Compose yourself." _

_"I can't." _

_"Try harder...need I remind you what's at stake?"_

His outburst did it.

In the next moment, the case was turned around.

Dr. Cray turned to his father and in the largest growl he snapped back at him.

_"I don't care father! I own her! How dare she ignore me? Me?! Of all those girls that gave in while I was squeezing the life out of them...none have been so defiant. They had no fight! But her...look at her...stronger than ever...So no...I will not compose myself until I can get her to look at me!"_

Santana sat there in shocked silence.

It took everything in her to will herself to look away.

But she couldn't.

The second that their eyes connected...she broke.

Her confidence slipped away and her façade turned to ash.

She had been used by both father and son.

He owned her.

They both did.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It was hard to watch her up there.

The room had gotten quiet again and she had turned so that she was looking at me again.

But the eyes that looked at me weren't the same.

Every single thing that we had worked on over the last two days had been wiped away.

I hadn't realized the hold that he had over her.

There was no way for me to understand just how strong it was until I saw it in person.

Marco sat beside me clenching his fists together and I could just tell how responsible he felt for all of this.

And really...he was just a pawn in Aden's game.

Of course, he had made it easier for Dr. Cray to get to Ana but he didn't know just how bad it was between the two of them.

None of us did.

Dr. Cray's attorney got up to ask his final questions and I felt Gladys tense up on my other side.

I turned to look at her and could see that she was in tears, so I wrapped my arm around her.

There was no way that I knew what was coming next...but she did.

* * *

_"Mrs. Lopez, you've been married before correct?"_

_"Yes." _

_"To Marco Vega...correct?"_

_"Yes." _

_"Can you describe that marriage to me?"_

_"It was tumultuous and filled with abuse." _

_"What is your relationship with Mr. Vega today?"_

_"I don't understand what you mean?"_

_"Isn't it true that he fathered your youngest child? That even after you had escaped his clutches that you returned to him and got pregnant...willingly? Isn't it true that you, yourself violated the clause of your own restraining order against him so that you could sleep with him and buy drugs?"_

_"He fathered my youngest, yes but-"_

My heart was in my throat as Ana looked at the man before looking back at me.

I tried to give her all the strength that I could.

But then before she could speak again this asshole lawyer asked more questions.

She looked helpless as more tears left her eyes.

I just wanted to hug her.

I hated feeling so helpless, especially seeing her in such a fragile state.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I knew what this was.

He was trying to take a shot at my credibility.

And when the district attorney objected, he backed off a bit.

I thought it was over but then he hit me with something that I wasn't prepared for.

I stared at my mother, who was a blubbering mess as I replayed the question in my mind.

_"You dropped your rape charges against Dr. Cray...correct?"_

Mami looked at me and gave a slight nod.

When she had told me that the charges were dropped, I didn't know it was because she had dropped them.

She could have fought harder to prepare me but she hadn't.

I swallowed back my agitation and fears and looked hard at this little balding, fat man.

Who the hell did he think I was?

I stared into his eyes and tried to maintain my composure.

_"The charges were dropped because I wanted to focus on this case. I felt like he would get his just due."_

_"His just due?"_

_"He hurt a lot of people, women and girls that aren't around anymore defend themselves because he killed them!" _

I lost my cool...all the shifting and heated staring between me and Britt could help me get myself under control.

Rage filled me as my eyes flicked over at my mother.

When would the lies stop?

_"So your husband beat you and you returned to him while you had a restraining order, your current wife strangles you near death and you married her, and now my client makes an advance and you drop the charges again. You do a lot of back peddling, Mrs. Lopez. How do I know that you won't be appealing for conjugal visits before long?"_

I was speechless.

I felt dirty and disgusting and angry.

Really fucking angry.

_"You have no right!" _

_"Oh I have every right to question the validity of a witness that constantly goes back to her abusers, who has endangered the lives of her children because she took drugs while pregnant and in front of them, no less! I have to question if someone like you has any right to even be coming forward!" _

_"Fuck you!" _

I attempted to leap at the attorney over the witness stand and was promptly dismissed from the courtroom.

This was not good.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

We were at the apartment and she was angrily banging on the keys.

The kids were still with Quinn and I wanted it to stay that way.

I needed to do damage control and right now...they would just be collateral damage if she got her way.

I couldn't have her snapping at them again.

_"Lets go home."_

I stood there in front of her with the cover of the piano hovering above her fingers.

She went right ahead playing.

So even though I knew that it would probably traumatize her, I had to take the chance.

I cleared my throat and began to snap it closed.

She snatched her hands back at the last second and looked at me with so much heat in her eyes.

_"What the fuck are you doing, Brittany?!"_

_"Get your shoes on...we are going home." _

_"We are home!"_ She yelled at my back as I walked away.

I held up my hand and slowly began to close my fingers.

She didn't even allow me to get to two before she was storming over to the door and waiting for me.

At least that still worked.

Now I just had to fix the rest of her.

I got her in the car and she kept bouncing her leg up and down in annoyance.

_"You need to calm down." _

_"Are you fucking kidding me right now?"_

_"Don't yell at me."_ I said calmly.

_"Then don't say stupid shit to me, Brittany!"_

She slapped her hand over her mouth and looked at me with wide eyes.

I took a deep breath and tore out of the parking garage.

Enough was enough!

* * *

She knelt before me again, nipple clamps on and plug still in place.

She still had that spark of anger in her eyes and kept making smart comments.

_"No more talking...do you need help with that?"_

She paused and took a deep breath.

_"Yes, B."_

I handed her the gag.

_"Put it on and then pull out what you want me to use on you. Make sure that what you take out is not just random. I plan to use everything you pull out of there so be sure."_

She looked shocked that I was letting her choose but she needed a little more control and I understood that.

_"Okay, I promise."_

_"Good."_

I needed her to feel that she was a part of this and me choosing for her wouldn't help her feel that.

I watched her as she expertly put the gag in her mouth.

Then she leaned over and shuffled through the bag.

I hadn't gotten the chance to use everything the other day and was excited to see what she needed.

What I didn't expect was her to pull out the first thing.

After everything she had gone through with Dr. Cray, I didn't expect to ever use this on her.

But apparently it's what she needed.

She put the small paddle down on the bed and went right back to the bag without a second glance.

She was showing me how sure she was.

* * *

She pulled out the handcuffs and I smiled...those were quickly becoming a regular.

I was getting wet just imagining what I was going to do.

She finally pulled out the big dick...the one that I had picked out because it was rainbow-colored.

She had picked it up and said that it was the gayest thing that she had ever seen and so I demanded that she buy it.

It was nine and a half inches long and sparkled.

We had only used it once on her and I got halfway in before she folded and said that she couldn't handle it.

I watched her as she looked down at it, most likely remembering her failed attempt.

This time she wasn't going to stop me and she was looking like she wanted to put it back but then she sighed and nodded to herself.

She wasn't turning back.

This was what she wanted and so I would give it to her.

All of it.

She held it in her hands for a moment and then looked up at me and winked before putting it down in front of her.

She didn't reach for the bag again.

I swallowed back my nerves and met her eyes.

She was nervous and she wasn't trying to hide it.

I pulled at the gag until it slipped down her chin.

_"I know that you know what that paddle means...but I need you to tell me what you want me to do when it comes to that...I don't want you in your head."_

She smiled at me and then cleared her throat.

_"I need you to use it, B. All of the bad stuff done to me, you showed me how it's supposed to feel except for the spanking. After talking to Amy...it feels like...this is what I need. I need to break through all of this pride and anger...I shouldn't have spoken to you that way. I need to be punished...I'm begging for this. Please? I need to feel good again. Okay?"_

I nodded and then without another word I put the gag back.

I could do this.

And I knew just how to make it so that she stayed with me the entire time.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I wanted her to take me there.

More than anything, I wanted to understand what Amy meant when she told me that the feeling of redemption after a spanking was what led her to use that doughnut So much.

She said it freed her to be a better version of herself.

And she's a therapist and so if it's okay for her...then it's okay for me.

There was a lot that I was feeling guilty for, including yelling at the kids.

That still weighed heavy on my mind because now...they looked nervous around me,

And Isaac looks scared.

That just wasn't acceptable in my eyes, ever!

I needed to get myself together.

I knew know that I was worthy, now I needed to act like it.

I was already getting lost in my thoughts when I felt a sharp tug on the chain between my boobs.

My eyes snapped to my wife and I could see how serious she was.

Let the games begin.

* * *

_"Stay with me."_ She whispered before tugging again.

I nodded and then stared into her eyes.

I could do this.

It was what I needed.

Britt reached down and picked up the handcuffs.

I watched and waited.

_"Hands in front of you."_

I was didn't hesitate as I clasped my hands together before putting them in front of my body.

My wetness was already making me want to jump her but I ignored it.

I needed her direction.

Too much was out of my control.

Her controlling this helped me control my emotions.

This was who I had become after all the abuse.

And for the first time, I wasn't ashamed.

* * *

Britt helped me down from the bed and walked us towards the dresser.

_"Lean forward."_

I bent over the dresser until I was staring at my reflection.

Britt readjusted my arms so that I was resting my chin on my folded hands.

_"Look at me in the mirror. Don't look away. If you do...you will be going straight to bed tonight without an orgasm."_

I watched my eyes get wide in response to her words.

She picked up the paddle and rubbed it on my ass.

She pressed it against me and suddenly, I remembered the plug.

I bit into the gag and resisted the strong urge to close my eyes.

When the first strike came I had been prepared for it.

After the sting to my ass, I watched as Britt rubbed her hand across me.

I pushed my ass against her touch and received a slap in return.

_"Don't move."_

I nodded and looked at her...she swallowed hard and then raised her hand and swung hard.

I jerked forward with each strike of the paddle.

After about ten strikes the tears came but still I kept my eyes on hers.

And then I felt what Amy had been referring to.

Slowly I just began to release the anger and the guilt.

* * *

And Britt must have seen that in my eyes because she put down the paddle and leaned over me.

I felt her hips touch my sore ass and groaned.

_"I want you to know that after this, all is forgiven...but I need to hear you. I need to take this gag off...okay?"_

I nodded and waited as she removed the gag from me.

I closed my mouth and looked at her eyes.

_"Tell me that you are okay so far?"_

_"I'm okay."_

_"Tell me why you deserve to be punished."_

_"Because I let my anger get the best of me, I was rude, disrespectful and hurtful."_

_"And you accept this punishment?"_

_"Yes, B."_

She nodded and then stood back up.

She twirled the little leather paddle in her hand and then began to pepper my ass.

They came one after another, each one a different strength and I felt like I was getting desperate for it to stop.

But I needed to be forgiven...to forgive myself.

Finally a sob broke from me an as if released from a spell, Britt immediately dropped the paddle.

My limit had been reached and she had recognized it right away.

It was the defining difference for me between the sessions with Dr. Cray and the love that Britt was offering.

Moments later when she shoved that thick dick inside of me, while kissing my face and neck, my body recognized her.

It gave into her...broke for her

I came alive for her over and over again.

_"I love you...I forgive you, You're worthy. You're amazing."_

Britt kept encouraging me as she thrust into me over and over again.

_"I love you."_ I whispered as she finally pulled from me.

_"Always, Ana."_

* * *

**A's POV**_  
_

* * *

They laid there in a post orgasmic bliss and Brittany fell right to sleep but Santana was wrapped in her thoughts.

It amazed her just how good she felt just from being spanked.

She had been whipped and beaten so many times since she was a child and nothing had ever felt like what she had just experienced with her wife.

She felt a sense of redemption and love that she hadn't experienced previously.

It was the feeling of forgiving herself for all the things that she had gone through over the years.

On some level she had always blamed herself and now, it was like Britt had swept in and wiped those kinds of thoughts from her mind.

Dr. Cray had professed in a courtroom full of people, how her body had belonged to him.

And for a moment she had even agreed because between the three men in the room that had manipulated her body that one summer, they could all rightfully lay claim to owning a piece of her.

But Brittany wasn't going to accept that so easily.

She was the only one that loved Santana wholly and completely.

Always had and always would.

Finally figuring that out had done for Santana what three stints in rehab and countless counseling sessions, could not...it released her from all of her demons.

It was okay for her to be free.

To love and to be loved back.

She wasn't alone.

Their day had finally come.

For them it had taken moving past their comfort zones and giving into something bigger than themselves.

To love without abandon regardless of circumstance.

* * *

**_A/N: I started this chapter and thought that it would be short...but it just kept pouring out of me. One more chapter and an epilogue. :)  
_**


	68. Chapter 68:Giving, Unconditional, Love

_**A/N: I have been asked my opinion about this whole Brittana ending thing...and I just say live and let live. Even some of the best things have to come to an end...like for instance...this story! :) In some relationships...separation is key. Some people need to grow apart to be able to grow back together at some point in the future. It hurts...but that's life! :) **_

_**Splitting in three this time.  
**_

_**Please enjoy!**_

* * *

**Chapter 68: Giving You, Unconditional, Love  
**

* * *

_**[Part 1]  
**_

******Giving You The Best That I Got (Anita Baker**)

* * *

_**It was okay for her to be free.**_

_**To love and to be loved back.**_

_**She wasn't alone.**_

_**Their day had finally come.**_

_**For them it had taken moving past their comfort zones and giving into something bigger than themselves.**_

_**To love without abandon regardless of circumstance.**_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**July 4th, 2014**_

_**Happy Independence Day, Henry!**_

_**Today is a really big day for me. **_

_**As you know, Dr. Cray ruined the case for himself and with Marco's testimony and them looking at the videos that I told them about...he was found guilty. **_

_**Is it crazy that I'm past it?**_

_**Things have just been moving so quickly for me in the last two weeks and them giving me a pass on coming back to the court room was at first really hard but now I am really appreciating it. **_

_**If I don't want to...I never have to see any of them again. **_

_**That being said, my big day has nothing to do with that and everything to do with my freedom.**_

_**It's early in the morning and I am going to make today as memorable as possible. **_

_**By the end of the day, I plan to have changed the course of my future for good. **_

_**Wish me luck.**_

_**Love you!**_

_**Santana**_

* * *

_**Lucy Q, Call me! ;)-San**_

Britt was still in bed but I couldn't sleep any longer.

I needed to do something with my day and I had this major plan for it.

Everything was closed or jammed up because of the holiday but that was okay.

My plans could maneuver around those things.

Tonight, I was going to be hosting mine and Britt's families, friends and at least one multimillion dollar couple.

But today...I needed to fix a major wrong in my life and I needed back up.

I touched up my make up and fluffed up my hair.

With the combination of my hot booty shorts and my top...I was looking as desirable as they come.

I smiled to myself as I slid my wedding rings back on and felt a shiver run through me.

Things between me and Britt since that night that I let her paddle me, had been super intense, in a good way.

Outside of the bedroom, we were more carefree, delighting in our kids and making plans for L.A. and at night it was all games and fun.

Sexy times were a daily thing now and damn if I wasn't glowing.

Britt had my heart and body on lockdown.

I was thinking about the night before when I heard a giggle come from the doorway.

I looked up to see Britt standing in the doorway holding something in her hand.

She was super hot!

She smiled as she stood there, blonde hair tousled on her head and hooded bedroom eyes.

If I didn't have a plan for my day, I would be stuck in this room until the guests arrived later tonight.

And she knew it.

_"You're blushing." _

_"I was just thinking about you and then you appeared...looking so fucking hot." _

She stepped into the bathroom and looked me up and down.

I turned to her and leaned back against the sink.

_"You look hot yourself, Ana...I don't know how I feel about other people getting to see you like this." _

_"Mmm...well from the looks of it...you have a solution for that."_ I looked at what she was holding in her hands and she grinned.

_"I like the idea of you having it inside of you. It's like I'm with you at all times...plus this, has you ready for me at all times too." _

I held in my comment, turned back around and leaned over the sink, peering into my makeup bag and pretending to look for something.

I didn't have to look at her to know that me shaking my ass for her was making her want me even more.

_"Well...if you want me to wear it, B...then, you are going to just have to put it in me." _

_"You say it like that's a problem for me." _

_"Lock the door."_ I muttered as I unbuttoned my shorts.

The last thing that I needed was my son to push the door open and catch an eyeful.

Besides, get us behind closed doors these days guaranteed for me and Britt to have a quickie.

It was like a law now.

* * *

My makeup was smudged and my body was shaking as I came down from an intense orgasm.

Britt still hovered over me as she slipped my new favorite accessory in and then patted my ass before pulling up my shorts for me.

_"That was great, baby. Enjoy your day." _She giggled against my skin and I whimpered.

How she ruins me!

She kissed my neck and then left, closing the door behind her and apparently we had been smart to close it in the first place, because a second later I could hear her greeting our son.

Go figure!

My phone buzzed and shocked me back into existence.

Quinn.

* * *

_"Hey girl."_ I said breathlessly as I splashed water on my face and prepared to do my makeup all over again.

"_Tell me that you are done having sex." _

_"It was just a quickie."_

I rolled my eyes as I put on my eyeliner.

_"Which is over now, right?"_

_"Yes." _

_"Good...so what's up?"_

_"What are you doing today?"_

_"Aside from your big cookout tonight...nothing." _

_"Think maybe I can take you and my god-daughter out for the day?"_

_"Mmmm...no can do, she is with her father and will not leave his side until we leave for Boston. She insists." _

_"I can dig it...so just me and you then? Can I steal you for awhile, I have some things to take care of and I need my backup." _

_"Should I be wearing boots or something? Are we going to kick someone's ass...rob someone?"_

_"Um...no...not exactly." _

_"Shit...what are you getting me into, San?"_

_"Does that mean, yes, Q?"_

_"Should I be worried, Santana?"_

_"God...don't you trust me?"_

Silence.

_"Ouch, Q. I promise that no blood will be shed today...because of me." _

_"Okay...well then...where do you want to meet?"_

_"My mom's." _

_"Does she know that you are coming?"_

_"Does she need to?"_

_"Look, I just don't want to get between you and Gladys." _

_"And you won't. I'll meet you there in thirty minutes...down the block, in front of the church, okay?" _

_"Okay." _

_"Bye, Q."_

* * *

I sat in my car all alone and closed my eyes.

This was a defining moment.

I had to be prepared.

There was no turning back.

I sat at the end of our long driveway, rested my head on the steering wheel and took deep breaths.

_"I'm worthy of love and NOBODY is going to take that from me. I am worthy of happiness and I will do whatever it takes. NOBODY will stand in my way."_

When I sat back, I could feel Britt with me and smiled to myself.

Who would have thought that this was the way to center me when I was away from her?

This was better than rehab!

The rest of my drive into the city was filled with me working through everything that I needed to do.

By the time that I pulled up outside of Mami's house, more than thirty minutes had passed due to me turning down the wrong street.

I hit the alarm for my car and then began to walk down towards the church.

The sun was beaming and so I wasn't surprised to find Q sitting in the shade reading a trashy magazine.

_"Not exactly Ivy League pre-med reading...is it?"_

She looked up at me and pushed her sunglasses up on her head.

_"That's exactly why I'm reading it! I need some relief. Ceily and I are thinking that maybe we need to go to Paris with you guys and enjoy our honey moon since we are just going to end up at the courthouse instead of the big wedding we wanted."_

I shrugged and threw my arm over my best friend's shoulder.

She threw her arm casually around my waist as we began to make our journey back towards Mami's place.

Here goes nothing.

* * *

Ever since Mami started to be in my life again on a more consistent basis, it wasn't just me that she took in.

She talks to my friends probably just as much as she talks to me.

That being said, I shouldn't have been so surprised when I walked into her living room, ready to cut her off for good, only to see Marco, Ari and Gloria sitting with her...

Praying.

I had opened my mouth to say something but Quinn latched onto my wrist and yanked me back into the foyer and closed the doors.

_"Why did you want me here?"_

I was still watching my mother and friends through the glass doors but I was totally attuned to Quinn snapping at me.

She cupped my chin and twisted it so that I was looking at her.

_"Shhh...I can't hear with you and your emotions."_ I muttered before attempting to turn my face again.

_"Santana Gladys...don't ignore me!"_

I turned to her finally and crossed my arms over my chest.

Never before had I felt more like my high school self than in that moment when she was giving me that ice queen glare that she had probably perfected in the womb.

_"She humiliated me on that witness stand and even though he got the book thrown at him...I,"_ I growled as I was pointing at my chest and hovering about two inches from her face. _"I had to be put on trial in front of a room full of strangers. He got to me in there and you have no idea how hard it has been for me to bounce back from that! He made me his bitch...him and his fucking pedophile father...I feel like I got played big time and I am so tired of it."_

Quinn didn't even flinch.

Instead she mimicked my stance and stepped even closer...if that's possible.

Celia would probably skin me alive for standing this close to her woman but this kind of standoff thing between me and Q had been happening before them and would probably be happening when we were old bitter bitches._  
_

_"She had her reasons...have you tried to even talk to her?"  
_

_"No."  
_

_"So you don't even know if maybe this was all a part of her plan?"  
_

_"She looked just as hurt as I did...just as surprised!"  
_

_"I think you should talk to her first...before cutting her off." _

_"Why does this matter to you?!"  
_

I stomped my foot and she raised her eyebrows before grabbing my arm and yanking me outside onto the front stoop._  
_

_"Do you remember when Judy realized that I was pregnant but tried to play it off?"  
_

_"Yea...it was wrong of her."  
_

_"Yea...it was but she had her reasons...that's what you told me. You took her side...do you remember that?"  
_

_"That's because you can't see past the tip of your own fucking nose, Lucy Q. She was masking a drinking problem and your dad was beating the shit out of her. Of course she was trying to play it off! She was scared!"  
_

_"I didn't know that though...right then, I just felt betrayed...like she didn't fucking care. Just like you do right now."  
_

_"It's not the same."  
_

_"How do you know...do you have some crystal ball...or a psychic Mexican third eye?"  
_

_"Fuck you, Q!"  
_

_"Been there...done that, look, I get that you're pissed off at her. She has been shitty to you but when she is there...she is really fucking there for you. She is the only one that was on your wife's side when Britt choked you out...she threw herself in front of you when your dad beat you...she made sure that you were safe. She may have gone about it all wrong...but fuck Santana...she's doing the best that she can. Don't deny that...she is not Aden and she is not Hector. Gladys is forever on your fucking side and I cannot believe that you would drag me here to witness you tear down the only relationship in her life that matters to her more than her own existence. It's despicable and so below you."  
_

_"Ugh...why are you always so fucking right?"  
_

A smile broke on her lips and she threw herself at me, squeezing me tight in her arms before kissing the tip of my nose and standing straight again._  
_

_"Because I'm genius...in everything!"  
_

_"If you say so, Lucy Q."  
_

I rolled my eyes and pushed back through the doors, keeping my back to her so that she couldn't see the smirk on my lips and tears in my eyes.

She was right.

I needed to be bigger than high school, Santana.

Hadn't I lost enough?

* * *

_"Are you sure that you want to wait that long for Disneyland, B?"  
_

_"Yes...I thought about it and Daniela is still a baby...she's just mastering walking. A year would be good...please say yes?"_

Britt and I were packing the last of our clothes and she was giving me this long drawn out speech on why we should go to Disneyland for our anniversary (my birthday) next year.

I didn't really mind...it was fine with me, just as long as I got to spend it with her.

_"That's fine, B."_

She dropped the socks she was holding and squealed before jumping into my arms.

I wasn't strong enough to hold her...not with my back only a month out of surgery.

Thankfully, I masked it by falling backwards on the bed with my arms wrapped around her waist.

She hovered over me, hand on each side of my head and her blond hair draped around us.

_"Are you excited? This time tomorrow...we will be in LA."_

My heart was racing...change was welcome but it was still scary.

For the first time, we were doing something on our own.

Just us.

It was like we were really adults.

_"I'm nervous, B. What if I get lonely...or I'm not good at being at home all day?"_

She smirked and kissed my lips.

I moaned as her hand wound its way into my hair and she tugged.

_"You have me, I'll be with you. Our love can handle this...we just have to give our best in everything. Be the best. Be honest...with everything. You have to talk to me...okay?"_

She traced my forehead and looked deeply into my eyes.

_"Okay." _

_"I don't want you to wait until you are going off the deep end...if you feel like you can't control things...you have to tell me. Promise me?"_

I nodded because the words were too much for me.

She had given me control back and I wanted to hold onto it forever.

I needed it.

The trial was over and my drug habit was defeated...for now.

My demons were conquered and so I needed to feel like I could handle myself.

She was waiting for me to answer but I couldn't.

So I reached forward and pulled her face down until her lips were just above my own.

I sucked her lips between mine and nibbled a bit.

The groan she let out turned me on and so I buried my hand straight into her shorts.

She was dripping.

_"Fuck."_ She groaned.

I pressed my fingers against her clit and began to slowly tease her.

She shook over me and I just smirked.

We were having a stare off and I was definitely winning.

_"Give in to me, Britt Britt."_

She bit her lip and shook her head without breaking eye contact.

So I moved my other hand down and shoved my fingers inside of her while bringing my knee up and using it as leverage.

_"That's...ugh...not...fair."_

_"All is fair in love."_

I smiled really big as she finally closed her eyes and fell on top of me.

_"So good...fuck...there...right...yessssss! Santana!"_ She yelled into the bed beside my head.

_"Mami, open the door! Mami, Mama...open!"_ Isaac's voice and pounding on the door came just as she was coming hard.

_"This kid!" _Britt groaned as she pulled my hands from her shorts and rolled onto her back.

_"You lost...I have to wash my hands...you get the door."_ I said before jumping off the bed and running into the bathroom.

I was tempted to lock the door but thought better of it.

No secrets.

* * *

When I looked into the mirror, the light in my eyes was brighter than I ever remember it.

As the water washed over my fingers, I thought about the many times that I was washing other things off my hands and thanked God that part of my life was over.

My story was just beginning and I was beyond thrilled that I got to do that with Britt.

_"Mami, where you go?"_

I looked down and saw my son staring up at me with a big smile on his face.

_"Hey Papa, where is Titi Sun?"_

_"In Izzy room."_

_"Why aren't you in your room?"_

That's when I saw that he was in his swim trunks.

_"I want to swim."_ He said with a big smile on his face.

_"Okay...go tell Titi Sun that I'm getting dressed." _

_"Okay...yay...Mama...Mami say yes!"_ He squealed before running out of our bedroom.

When I stepped out of the bathroom, Britt was stripping off her shorts and pulling her shirt off...she had already been in her bikini.

_"Damn B...you are just too fucking hot!"_

She was putting her hair up and just shrugged.

_"I know."_ She said before turning to look at me.

_"You know?"_

_"Well yea...you only date sexy people...well except for that time that you slept with Finn...that was just gross!" _

_"Ugh...don't bring up Free Willy...please! Gross!"_ I fake gagged and slapped her ass.

She raised an eyebrow and then leaned in until she was just in front of my lips.

_"Don't start something you can't finish." _

_"I just did fini-"_ She gripped my ass and nodded as she kissed my shoulder.

_"B...stop...he's going to come back if we take too long." _

_"Awww...promise that we can play later...please?"_

I nodded and then before pulling away I pinched her nipple.

_"Oh you are so going to pay for that!"_

Before I knew it, I was being tickled on the bed and nearly peeing myself again.

_"No! B...I'm going to pee! Stop!"_ I was gasping and she just continued to poke me.

She was determined to push me until Isaac stopped her a few seconds later.

_"Mama! Stop! You no tickle monster!"_

She jumped off of me, turned to look at him and then smirked.

_"I'm not?"_

He shook his head and backed out of the room with his hands up.

_"No, Mama...you no tickle!"_

* * *

I smiled to myself as I thought back to that day.

The laughter hadn't stopped since then.

That was a definite plus...

Right?

* * *

_**[Part 2]**_

**Unconditional Love (Jah Cure)**

* * *

**_I smiled to myself as I thought back to that day._**

**_The laughter hadn't stopped since then._**

**_That was a definite plus..._**

**_Right?_**

* * *

**OCTOBER 2014**

* * *

I sat on the sand watching the sunset and just let the soothing sound of the ocean comfort me.

In just a few hours, I would be six months sober.

Everyone told me not to count that day with Dr. Cray but I couldn't ignore getting that fucked up...even if my mind knew that I hadn't gotten high by choice, my body didn't.

I still went through withdrawal...I still spent time, however brief, in rehab because as far as my body was concerned...it was still filled with narcotics.

It was the highest that I had ever been, a lot of the doctors had been shocked that I wasn't brain dead.

I should have overdosed, my heart should have given out, my veins should have collapsed or at least my organs should have failed but none of that happened.

Despite the amount of hybrid drugs in my system, I had lived.

It was a daunting reality, that even with that huge downfall, I had resisted the urge to get high again.

Surely by now I should be celebrating a year but things hadn't worked out that way.

At least for me...they could celebrate a year...but I didn't have to.

The water washed over my feet and I trembled, the tide was rising and so pretty soon I would need to move but I wasn't ready.

* * *

_"Ana?"_

I didn't move as my sister's voice called me back to the present.

Her body came down beside me and she leaned against me.

_"I was coming back in...I just..."_

There were no words as to why I had left my celebratory dinner in the middle of the toasts.

My kids had been my excuse...I wanted to check on them as they slept and I had but then the laughter and the clinking of glasses drove me away.

I had a long road ahead of me...and really this was like a newly walking baby who had just made it across the floor alone.

I still couldn't run...

My body still craved and my hands still itched from time to time.

Not much for me had changed except the scenery and the lack of drama.

We had been in LA just under four months and I was still trying to fall into the ebb and flow.

Britt and the kids had taken to their new environment like they had been living in California their whole lives.

School was Britt's obsession, she came home every night and regaled me with stories of her classes and told me all about her students.

It seemed that now with a new medicine and no more fogginess, everyone could see B for the genius that I always said that she was.

And my kids...God my kids are happier than I have ever seen them.

We spend each morning on the beach, running around and playing.

We read, we paint, we sing and we laugh.

A lot!

They are the best part of my day.

When I'm with them, it doesn't matter where I am, they make me feel at home.

* * *

It is at night, when our little beach house is asleep that my mind wanders.

Tonight was no exception.

My family had flown here just to celebrate, even Rachel and Puck with their newborn son Aaron.

I should be toasting with them but I can't.

Something is still missing and its driving me crazy, little by little.

_"Talk to me, Ana."_

I pressed my palms against my eyes the moment that I felt the tears start to rise.

_"I can't."_ I whispered.

She wrapped her arm tighter around me and pulled me against her.

_"Please?"_ She whispered as she rested her forehead against my cheek.

_"I don't know what's wrong with me, Ceily. Everything is perfect but I...I feel so...lost!"_ I shook my head and pushed up to my feet. _"What if every move that I made since my eighteenth birthday has been a mistake?"_

_"Are you happy, Santana? Would you rather have ended up with my wife? Ian? Ari? Marco?"_

_"That's not what I meant, Ceily...I just, what if this isn't enough? Am I going to regret my life?"_

_"I think only you can answers those questions, Anita."_

_"Gee thanks!"_

The sun was gone now, replaced by the moon and stars.

It was a beautiful October night.

Nothing like the bitter cold in Ohio or New York...l should be content.

But I'm not and I'm not sure that ever will be.

I left my overwrought emotions on that beach that night, knowing that Ceily would never repeat my words.

We returned to the house and acted like I hadn't just broken down.

I was a Lopez and we were fighters...and being happy was something that I needed to fight for.

I could get used to the doldrums...I had survived way worse.

* * *

It was early and already, I was sweating.

There was no way that I could sleep another second, so I got up and threw on my sneakers.

Morning runs on the beach were my new favorite thing, I was addicted.

Britt started classes everyday at 9 and so in order to make it she usually left at half past 7.

So far four and a half months into our move, we were happy.

We had something that I had always longed for...routine.

I would go for my hour run, trying to cram as many miles into that hour as humanly possible.

On my way back, I would pick up coffee and then head straight back to Malibu.

Thanks to Frankie and Siobhan, holding onto their house, the move had been easier than expected.

Of course we hadn't really brought anything.

We hadn't sold our New York property, so we just re-bought some things.

We were pretty comfortable with the way that Frankie had left things and so that was a plus.

By the time that I got back, the kids were usually dressed and in the kitchen eating while Britt stretched and looked over her daily schedule.

Once she was gone for the day, it was just me and the babies until she got home at six that night.

This routine was only broken on Sundays, B's only day off.

Our lives were normal and boring.

A welcome change.

* * *

It had been a couple of weeks since the dinner and I had managed to ignore the feelings that I had been having.

I had woken up early and was making a big breakfast instead of going for my run.

My inheritance had finally been given back to me...it had almost doubled, leaving me wanting for nothing.

I was staring out at the beach, halfway through my second cup of coffee when I could sense her behind me.

I wiped at my face and smiled before turning around.

_"Hey birthday woman!"_

Her eyes were sparkling as she looked at me.

She pulled the cup from my grasp and then pulled me into a tight hug.

_"I know things are hard for you...and I just wanted you to know that I see you, and that I'm still here."_

I sighed and looked up into her eyes.

Maybe it was her realizing that I had never actually promised to tell her if it got hard...because she didn't seem irritated that I hadn't shared my fears with her.

I think she was just sad that she hadn't seen it sooner._  
_

_"I've been down on myself but I have been pushing through. I was lonely and so I had got involved with that Mommy and Me class. I think I'm just anxious. I start recording sessions in a week with Kanye West and that's huge but I'm nervous."  
_

_"It's a good nervous though, right?"  
_

_"What if I fuck it up, B?"  
_

_"Do you want me to come with you?"  
_

_"No...I need to figure shit out on my own...you didn't have me holding your hand on Broadway. I can't ask you to hold my hand while I'm recording my album."  
_

_"You were there though...that first day...when I auditioned and sometimes when we were just rehearsing. This is your first big thing and if you need me...I'm there. I will cancel my classes just to be there."  
_

_"No...that's the last thing that I want."  
_

_"What about Mercedes? Would you take her with you?"  
_

_"Maybe."  
_

_"Here...it's my birthday...and I am asking you to call her...right now. Ask if she will go with you. You will probably be working together anyway...so it won't be weird."  
_

_"Okay, B."  
_

She smiled and then reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone._  
_

_"Go ahead...I'll wait."  
_

* * *

The music was pounding in the hot club.

I was trying my best to stay focused on my wife.

She grinded against my ass and blew her warm breath on my neck.

_"Thank you for agreeing to go out tonight...I know that there is temptation everywhere."_

_"I still want to have your first drink with you."  
_

_"If you're sure."  
_

_"I'll have champagne...nothing hard. Okay?"  
_

_"Okay!"  
_

I smiled as I reached back and buried my hands in her hair as I danced against her.

She kissed my neck and kept her arms wrapped around my waist.

It was a perfect moment.

And despite any of my misgivings...I really enjoyed it.

So much!_  
_

The music switched giving me the perfect opportunity to turn around and look up into her brilliant blue eyes.

_"Thank you for this...it's the best birthday, ever!"_ She whispered against my ear.

I shivered and my body clenched.

I wanted her so badly.

_"We have never properly celebrated your birthday, B. This is you're 21st...I wanted to spend it doing something you loved."_

_"What? Dancing?"_

She rolled her eyes and I let out a giggle, a real one!

_"Dancing with me!"_

Her eyes got all dreamy and so I leaned in and kissed her hard.

_"Best birthday ever."_ She whispered as she pulled me closer. _"Thank you for being here with me, Ana."_

_"There's nowhere in the world that I would rather be, Britt Britt."_

* * *

**January 2016**

* * *

_"How old are you today?"  
_

_"Three!"  
_

My baby girl looked at me with so much happiness as I swung her around.

It was really early and Britt had been out really late the night before.

So I was trying to be quiet but there isn't much that you can do to quiet a three year old on their birthday.

I heard stomping come down the hallway and was expecting her to flip out for being awakened at five am but instead, Britt had Isaac in her arms with a wrapped gift in his hands.

Lately, things between me and Britt had been distant with me in the studio everyday and the kids in daycare.

In the beginning, I had breakfast and dinner waiting for her but now...it wasn't like that.

And to top it off, I was going on tour soon for two months and taking the kids with me._  
_

We hadn't been seeing eye to eye about that...but it wasn't like I would be off partying alone...I was taking my mother of all people with me, there was no way that I would get away with doing anything stupid.

_"Sorry about the noise, B."_ I said as she stepped beside me and dropped a kiss on my cheek.

She shook her head and then put Isaac on the floor.

_"Go ahead and give Dani her gift, Izzy."_ She said before steadying him.

He smiled at her and then thrust the gift at his little sister.

_"Here...happy birthday, Dani."_ He said before kissing her cheek.

She smiled at him and began to rip at the paper.

This gift was a surprise to me, I hadn't even wrapped my gifts for my baby girl yet.

_"Sparkle!"_ She shrieked as she shook her pink glitter ballet slippers in the air. _"Thank you, Izzy!"_ She hugged him and I was just entranced with the cuteness between them until I saw a flash beside me.

_"Surprise, Dada!" _A girly voice called out.

Beth?

I looked past B and saw Quinn, Ceily and Beth standing in the doorway.

How the heck had I not known about any of this?!

Britt leaned against me and looked up into my eyes.

_"I'm sorry about everything...we need to talk later...about things."_ She looked serious and immediately I was filled with a sense of doom.

This didn't sound good.

* * *

By the time bedtime came around, my daughter had spent the entire day surrounded by presents and laughter.

When I put her down in her bed she smiled up at me and told me that she loved me.

It made me certain that taking her and Isaac on tour with me was the right thing to do.

Even if Britt was against it.

The way that I saw it, I was doing her a favor.

I closed the baby's door and made my way into the living room.

Quinn was resting her head on Ceily's lap and basically purring as she had her head rubbed.

Britt was sitting there pretending to play on her phone but I could see her watching them from the corner of her eye.

She was slowly drinking a beer and I swallowed hard.

It had been something that she did now.

Even with her doctor telling her that alcohol didn't mix well with her medicine...she didn't seem to care when she didn't work the next day.

I went into the kitchen, got a huge glass of apple juice and then made my way to sit next to my wife.

But of course the moment that I sat down, she got up.

_"I'm going to bed...feel free to join me, Ana. Night you guys!"_ She smiled and made a quick exit from the room.

She was upset.

And she was leaving me to explain why...hoping that my sister and best friend could talk me out of taking the kids from her.

* * *

Quinn though, knew this game too well.

_"I'm going to go talk to B...I don't like the way that she was looking at you...she hasn't hit you has she?"_

I looked up at Q in shock.

_"No...she hasn't been like that in years, Q."_

_"I just had to ask...you and Britt...it hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows...and she's drinking...a lot."_

_"I thought you were going to talk to her!"_ I snapped before dropping my head.

_"San...I just wanted to know what I was walking into with her and if she is at all feeling vio-." _

_"Just go...please?" _I said, cutting her off._  
_

Quinn walked away and left me there with my sister and I was insanely grateful.

I was a little offended that she would think that after almost four years that Britt would be beating me.

We were so past that.

* * *

_"I thought things got better between you two?"  
_

I looked up into my sister's eyes and could see that crease between her eyebrows._  
_

_"We were...she throws herself into her school work one hundred and fifty percent. She takes care of us, pays the bills, never raises her voice. We go out with the kids all the time. And when I need a day to just go to the studio...she doesn't complain."  
_

_"Then what's going on?"  
_

I sighed and took a huge gulp of my juice before letting out a deep breath._  
_

_"It started on Christmas Eve, she wanted to go home to Lima to see her parents but I had a show on Christmas Eve and Christmas nights. It was the first time that I would get to play at the Staples center. It was a live show and I was super excited. So I told her that I couldn't go. And so she decided that she would stay home too. I came home after the first show on Christmas Eve and the kids were in bed and she was drunk off her ass. We got into a big argument over it and she left."_

_"What do you mean that she left?"_

_"She didn't come back until New Years' Eve. I had to find a baby sitter on Christmas day...I ended up leaving them with Beyoncé back stage. I had no choice. She turned her phone off and I didn't see her again until New Years' Eve, I was out on the beach with the kids, the neighbors had bonfire going and it was literally twenty minutes before midnight. She showed up and acted like normal. Later she told me that she got really drunk and got in a fight. She was embarrassed to show up back home looking like that in front of the kids."_

_"That's no excuse." _

_"I know...but I didn't want to bring in the new year like that. We had just gone through this amazing year of transition. She was doing amazing in school and I was working on my album. Everything was fine...until Christmas Eve. Ever since then...we have been tense but cordial in front of the kids. At least until a week ago...I got asked to go on tour...just in the US...it's for two months and Mami agreed to go with me to watch the kids. Britt's really upset about it."_

_"Did you just decide to take them without talking it through with her?"  
_

_"Yea...so?"  
_

_"And you didn't think that would upset her?"  
_

_"Look...right now...if I look at her wrong, she's upset."  
_

_"I don't like what I'm hearing. Everything seems fine...Quinn never mentions any of this."  
_

_"That's because I don't talk to people about what's going on in my marriage anymore...I wouldn't have told you but she obviously doesn't care if you know."  
_

_"I think that Quinn and I are going to take the kids back to the hotel with us. You two really need to figure things out before you leave for tour because otherwise, it's just going to get worse."  
_

_"I know." _I sighed out._  
_

Britt obviously needed to vent her shit but I kind of didn't want to hear it.

A big part of me just wanted her to get over it._  
_

Was I being selfish?

* * *

**April 2016**

* * *

Celia had been right.

I should have talked to Britt like she had told me to.

But we never did talk...I just slept on the hammock in the den.

We literally didn't speak at all until she was helping us settle onto the tour bus.

She had kissed me...hard and had played nice in front of the kids.

She told me to be safe and resist temptations.

After that...she would send me a weekly text or audio message giving me a detailed synopsis of her week.

Sometimes she was drunk in the messages.

I had been so worried about my own loneliness that somehow, I hadn't thought about Britt's.

She hadn't realized just how much she had relied on my network or on Quinn until we were thousands of miles away from them.

I had made matters worse by leaving and taking the kids.

They were like home to her.

So while it was amazing to be on the road, performing with some big name artists, a big part of me felt empty.

And if I was feeling that way...with the kids...then she had to be feeling even worse.

* * *

_"Are you ready to go home?"_

Isaac sat on my lap reading from his iPad when I had suddenly seen the bright lights of the city.

He looked up at me and smiled sadly.

_"I miss Mama."_ He whispered.

_"So do I, Papa."_

_"Can we go home?"_

_"Yes...tonight Papa...we are going home tonight."_

He smiled really wide and went back to reading.

This was it, my last gig.

It was in LA and was only going to be an hour long set.

Mami had already flown back home to New York and so it was just me and the kids.

I had called Britt and left her a message about the gig but she hadn't gotten back to me.

Thankfully, my makeup artist, Kay, whom I had really gotten close to, was prepared to look after the kids during my set.

But I was really hoping that Britt would show.

I missed her and really didn't like how cold our marriage had become.

* * *

She hadn't shown up.

And I was feeling really pissed off about it.

Now I was just hoping that she wasn't drinking.

I sat in the cab with the kids both sleeping against me.

It was still early but they were tired.

And so was I.

The next morning, I would have to go back and get our stuff from the tour bus but for now, we just wanted to go home.

**_Are you on your way?-Britt_**

My phone screen lit up in Isaac's hands and he jerked awake.

_"What's it say, Papa."_

He read the text to me and then handed it to me.

_"It's Mama."_

I smiled when I saw the phone screen light up and she was calling me.

_"Hey B!"_ My voice immediately gave away my excitement.

_"Did you get my text?"_

_"Yea...we are like ten minutes away." _

_"Shit...okay...um...do you think you can like not leave the cab when you get here?"_

I paused and looked out the window.

We were closer than I thought.

_"B...why?"_

_"I just...it's kind of messy...I don't...can you stall?"_

She seemed spacey.

_"I'm not stalling the cab, Brittany. We are tired and its raining outside. I just want to get the kids in bed."_

_"Fine...suit yourself."_

The line went dead.

_"Britt?"_ I whispered.

What the fuck was going on?

* * *

I held tightly to Isaac's hand while I hugged Daniela to my body.

She was insanely heavy when she was sleeping and I was hoping that I didn't slip.

Isaac was wide awake and looking around anxiously.

As he got older, there were things about him that I knew had something to do with the drugs.

His anxiety issues were definitely one of those things.

When we climbed the steps to the porch, I could see that the lights were on.

_"Papa, I need you to knock on the door."_

I was shifting Daniela as we got closer to the front door.

Isaac looked even more nervous as he knocked lightly on the door.

_"Knock harder, Papa."_

He nodded and knocked really hard.

_"Mama, you in there?"_ He called out.

The door swung open and I nearly passed out when I saw her.

All her beautiful hair was gone.

She looked like a guy in her big sweats and had sunglasses on.

Isaac didn't care, he threw his arms around her legs and didn't let go.

_"Let me take her."_

And just like I suspected...there was a tiny slur.

_"I got her...it's good to see you."_

I stepped into the house and the smell hit my nose.

I swallowed hard and grabbed Isaac's hand.

_"NO! I want to see Mama more!"_

_"Tomorrow...you need to get in bed...right now."_ I said with the nicest voice that I could.

He started to cry but he just nodded and let me take him to his room.

The smell of marijuana and booze got stronger the further I went into the house and I felt like I was going to cry.

This was my fault.

And I had to accept that.

This I knew how to handle.

I was home now and we would fix this.

* * *

_"Are you mad at Mama?"_

I had already put Daniela in bed and now I was kneeling beside my son's bed as he looked up at me with sad eyes.

He wasn't a baby anymore, in another year he would be in kindergarten...it was harder to hide these kinds of things from him.

_"I'm not mad, Papa. Mama just missed us so much and I want to just spend some time with her."_

_"Me too." _

_"And you will, tomorrow." _

_"Don't be angry with her...okay?"_

I looked at him in shock...could he possibly understand what was going on?

_"Don't worry so much, Papa. You sleep and don't come looking for us. Just sleep. Okay?"_

He sighed and nodded.

_"I love you, Papa." _

_"I love you too, Mami."_

As I shut my son's door and I could smell fresh smoke.

I closed my eyes and pushed back my tears.

I couldn't yell.

We needed to talk.

Maybe not with her being high...but it needed to happen._  
_

Soon.

* * *

When I got to my bedroom, she had the window open and was blowing smoke out of it.

I dropped my purse on the bed and walked straight into the bathroom.

She obviously hadn't been cleaning.

It was so bad that I didn't even want to sit on the toilet seat.

My chest was tight as I washed my hands and stripped out of my clothes.

I tossed them into the overflowing hamper and then walked out into the bedroom in just my underwear.

Britt still had the sunglasses on but I could tell that she was watching me.

I opened my dresser and pulled out a big sweater and pulled it quickly over my head.

I was pacing myself.

Trying to drain my anger, knowing that my son was on the other side of that wall listening.

He had asked me not to be mad...not to yell and I would do everything in my power to do just that.

I climbed into my bed and immediately regretted it.

The sheets smelled like ashes and I was grossed out.

But I didn't make a comment, I just stood up and yanked the sheets off the mattress.

She didn't move the whole time that I changed the sheets.

Instead she turned her head and looked out the window, at the rain.

* * *

I was in the process of fluffing the pillows when I felt her finger trace my neck.

My back had been to her and so that justified me flinching from her touch.

At least in my opinion but not hers.

_"So now I can't even touch you?"_

I climbed onto the bed and then turned to look at her.

Her pixie cut made her normally baby face seem worn.

_"I'm yours, Britt...you can always touch me." _

_"Obviously, I can't."_

_"What's going on, Brittany?"_

_"This isn't working...I don't want to be married to you anymore, Santana."_

My chest got tighter but I had expected this.

_"Please...don't say that...we can work this out." _

_"How? We barely speak anymore. Sam agrees that we rushed this...we haven't grown up separately enough."_

_"Sam who?" _

_"Evans...from high school." _

_"Trouty? Since when do you talk to him?"_

_"Since he started going to UCLA." _

_"And what...you're dating or something? Is this like Grady all over again?"_

She sucked her lip between her teeth.

_"How dare you say that to me. I'm not a whore." _

_"It's a legitimate question, B...every time I leave you...you fuck another person. It's what you do. So tell me, since his opinion means so much to you suddenly, are you fucking him?"_

_"NO!"_ She yelled.

_"Keep your voice down."_

I hadn't been speaking above a whisper the entire time.

_"I should have never given you the control back...I knew this would happen!"_ She yelled inches from my face.

_"I can't deal with you like this. Lets talk in the morning when you're not high." _

_"If I'm here."_ She muttered while walking into the bathroom.

I didn't have the heart to say another word.

God please just let this be another argument and not something bigger.

We had fought way too hard to be back in this position.

* * *

I was jerked awake a little while later when I heard whimpering.

It was Isaac and he was crying.

When I looked towards the window, I could see that it was still dark out.

I climbed from my bed and could see that Britt was passed out next to me in the same clothes that she had been smoking in.

Great.

I made my way to the door and pulled it open gently.

There was my son, leaning against my door, whimpering in his sleep as he rested on the floor.

He had heard us.

I bent over and picked him up and that's when I heard the whimpering more clearly.

He was wheezing.

Fuck that.

I held him and stormed back into the bedroom.

_"Get up!"_ I slapped my hand down next to Britt's face.

She jerked up and looked at me with red eyes.

_"What?"_

_"You filled this house with smoke and now he can't breathe...he needs you. Take him."_

She looked at Isaac and immediately shot up from the bed.

At least her parental instincts weren't gone.

There was no argument as she took him from my arms and headed towards his room and his machine.

I followed behind her silently, I didn't want to make the situation worse.

She laid in his bed with him, rubbing his back as she slipped the mask onto his face.

_"I'm so sorry, Izzy. Mama is so sorry."_

He looked at her with cloudy, watery eyes and nodded.

I could see the remorse all over her face.

She may have felt like she was all on her own...but this was that clear wake-up that she needed.

These kids relied on her.

What she did, affected them.

The good and the bad.

When he fell asleep a little later, she tucked him back into the bed and then turned and looked at me.

_"I'm sorry."_

I nodded and held my hand out to her.

_"I'm not mad...I just want to fix this." _

_"Me too." _

_"I love you, B. I was selfish not to consider you in the decision to take them. I won't do that ever again."_

She looked shocked that I had apologized and it made her cry.

All the anger that she had been holding seemed to wipe away as she stood to her feet.

_"And I'm sorry that you had to come home to this. I'm sorry that I didn't take the control back when you needed me to. I didn't speak up. I didn't sleep with Sam." _

_"How about we get you in the shower...because you smell and then we can talk, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

I had to honor my son's wishes even if it killed me inside.

Britt and I had been through hell and back and I would be damned if I gave up so easily.

We would figure this out.

Even if it took an eternity_  
_

* * *

**_[Part 3]  
_**

**Stop to Love** **(Luther Vandross)**

* * *

**_I had to honor my son's wishes even if it killed me inside.  
_**

**_Britt and I had been through hell and back and I would be damned if I gave up so easily.  
_**

**_We would figure this out.  
_**

**_Even if it took an eternity_**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

**May 2016**_  
_

* * *

_"I can't believe that we are finally doing this!"_

I couldn't hold in my excitement.

We were on a private jet on our way to Paris.

Finally!

_"We put it off long enough...I'm happy that you were able to take your finals early." _

_"Of course!_ _We wasted two months of our marriage with stupid stuff. These last few weeks have been awesome. Let's not fight again." _

_"Well we are going to argue...but we have to talk...that can't stop...ever again."  
_

_"I know."  
_

_"And you are okay with my summer tour?"  
_

_"Yes...of course."  
_

_"Okay...is that because you decided to come with us?"  
_

I smiled at her and wrapped her in my arms.

She had come back from the tour acting like her old self again and I couldn't resist her.

I thought after catching me smoking that she would want a divorce...I even admitted to her that was part of the reason that I had done it.

I was feeling vulnerable and lonely.

Sam had come on to me, saying that he loved me since forever and I called him out on his crap.

He had used those same words on Quinn and Mercedes...I would not let him get over on me.

I loved my wife.

The only problem was that I seemed to forget how much she loved me back when she was gone for so long.

I had been left alone with my thoughts for way too long and part of that was my fault.

We had all this technology between the two of us, a lot of money and access to so many different ways to stay in touch but I had cut off all my social networks.

I hadn't made it easy to stay in touch with my kids or her.

Izzy had learned to read and Dani was speaking Spanish.

It was like they were these whole new people and I had missed out on that.

But that had been my fault.

* * *

**August 2016**

* * *

_"I don't think this is the job for you." _

_"What do you mean...I bust my ass out there." _

_"But you have been sluggish and late. When they told me that I was getting a Tony award winning Broadway choreographer, I jumped right on it. And when you first got here...you were a firecracker. It's been two years and while you are doing great in your classes, I am really second guessing you teaching here." _

_"I can do better."_

_"Maybe in the Spring semester...but for now, I still don't think that you're ready...I want you to just focus on starting your junior year. We aren't going to pull your scholarship but your stipend will be suspended until January." _

_"This is bullshit!" _

_"Brittany...I'm going to ignore your outburst and ask you to leave campus until classes start next week. Take a break."_

I was crying as I climbed into my car.

It was like one thing after another.

And now I had to go home and get all dressed up for this album release party.

Celebrating, yet another thing that my wife has done, this was not my idea of taking a break from my problems.

She couldn't see me like this.

I mean, yeah I would talk to her about it all but I just couldn't let her see me crying.

This was my fault.

Smoking had made me lazy.

My body wasn't as in shape as it had always been and my work was suffering because of that.

* * *

I stumbled up the steps, feeling like I could use some weed and a drink, which I had recently given up.

Stupidly.

_"Thanks for calling."_

Ana was pacing back and forth on the porch talking quietly into her phone.

I stopped a few feet away and just watched her.

She was in her bikini with her sunglasses on.

Her dark hair was tied in a ponytail and even though her eyes were covered, I could see from her scrunched up eyebrows that she wasn't having a good phone call.

She shoved her phone in her pocket and then turned to look at me.

_"Who called?"_ I asked as she walked to me with her arms outstretched.

_"Jerry called to tell me that he put you on suspension for the semester...he was worried that you would do something stupid like last time?"_

_"I can explain."_ I muttered.

It had happened while she was gone last semester.

She pushed her glasses up onto her head and looked at me with a serious expression.

I hadn't hugged her back and so now she was just leaning against the rail of the porch with her arms over her chest.

_"Go for it...tell me what happened last semester?"_

_"I dropped all my classes except two of them...and showed up to class high. I got suspended last semester...right around the time that you returned from tour."_

_"Is that why it was so easy for you to go to Disneyland?"_

I bit down on my lip and nodded.

_"What the fuck, B...seriously?"_

I felt two feet tall as she threw her hands up and then rubbed them across her face.

_"I'm sorry." _

_"Don't be...we are past this...at least...I thought we were." _

_"We are. I was ready to go back this semester and be amazing...I guess I was in more trouble than I realized." _

_"That is an understatement." _

_"What should I do?"_

_"How many classes do you have this semester?"_

_"Just three."_

_"And therapy...when do you go?"_

I swallowed my spit and tried to look away from her but when Ana is staring at you with her eyes dark as night, it is impossible to look away.

_"I haven't been going." _

_"Okay...okay...is this about control? About you not being able to control me anymore? Is it making you feel unhinged again?"_

I shrugged and shifted my feet.

We were out on the porch and I felt embarrassed even though our closest neighbor was a good distance away.

_"I don't know." _

_"I'll give it back...you know that I don't mind." _

_"Well I do." _

_"Why?"_

_"Because...you don't need it anymore!"_ I yelled at her.

My anger was raging again.

There was just too much going on.

I had control over nothing in my life anymore.

I knew that she was right...but I didn't want her to be.

What if she started to feel weak again?

_"Says who?"_

_"Says me! You are...just so together!" _

_"That doesn't mean that I don't need you to help me."_ She whispered when one of our neighbors walked by. _"I may not need you to completely control things...but I'm okay with you leading me. I don't like how things are right now...I feel like it's me and the kids and then you. We don't feel like a family. I like when you took over...maybe you feel like separated from us too?"_

_"I do."_ I admitted.

_"You see...you need to be in control...it's who you and I are. It's how we work best...it's nothing to be ashamed of."_

I nodded as her words washed over me.

It was true.

I had been feeling left out.

Maybe she was right?

* * *

**_A/N: Next chapter coming very soon. It's not going downhill...be hopeful! _ **


	69. Chapter 69:I'm, Complicated, Always, You

_**A/N: I have split this chapter up so much because it is the last before the epilogue. I hope that you enjoy it! :)**_

* * *

**Chapter 69: I'm, Complicated, Always, You  
**

* * *

**_[Part 1]_  
**

**I'm Scared (Duffy)  
**

* * *

_**It was true.**_

_**I had been feeling left out.**_

_**Maybe she was right?**_

* * *

**October 2016**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

After we sat and talked through things in August, we settled back into our old habits.

I didn't fight her on things, including when she disappeared for a week.

She was running the show and I was standing back and letting her.

When she came back from the week away, she was different.

I guess she just needed to get whatever hurts out of her system.

She seemed happier.

Even if she was miserable with all the extra time that she had.

I had convinced her to teach some classes at a community center and after she did that, she was bouncy Brittany again.

Of course, with us...things can change at the drop of a dime.

It was a few days before Britt's 23rd birthday, just two and a half months after she lost her job, when I realized just how fast things with her could change.

We had been laughing and goofing off when I interrupted family sandcastle time to answer my phone.

I watched her face drop the happier I seemed.

She was definitely just barely hanging on.

My success should have been her success but it wasn't.

Clearly.

She was going to feel even more like a failure.

But I couldn't hold back my excitement.

This was kind of a big deal.

And I couldn't hide that.

It was almost unheard of from a new artist.

The critics loved me.

The fans loved me.

My music had blown up and suddenly playing the piano was cool again.

Britt should have been thrilled for me.

She was finally in a good place but that didn't seem to matter when I dropped the bomb on her.

I had gone platinum.

When I explained the call she had smiled at me and then made up some excuse about having a study group in We Ho.

I didn't see her for three days.

* * *

_"Mami?"_

I looked up from my book to see my son staring at me with milk dribbling down his chin.

_"Papa, wipe your face."_

His lip quivered and I was afraid he would have a meltdown but he took a deep breath and wiped his face.

Then he clenched the napkin in his hand and looked at me with determination.

_"Where's Mama?"_

It was the third day...and Britt hasn't been answering my calls.

_"Do you want to call her?"_

_"Yes please?"_

I reached for my phone and could see his eyes flicking down at the phone anxiously.

My poor baby.

I hit send and put the phone to my ear.

Please pick up.

_"Yea?"_

_"B...Isaac wants to talk to you...do you have a minute?"_

_"Put him on."_

She sounded so cold but I didn't comment...instead I handed the phone to my son.

_"Mama? It's Izzy...can you come home?"_

His face was scrunched up and he was chewing on his fingernail.

I pulled his hand from his mouth and he just ignored me.

He was nodding as she spoke and before long his finger was back in his mouth.

_"Today? Promise?"_

He seemed so hopeful and it broke my heart.

I hoped that she wasn't lying to him.

He was almost five and he knew better.

This would hurt him.

When he gave me the phone back I had expected her to have ended the call but she was still on the line.

* * *

_"Hey B."_

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Eating lunch with Isaac."_

_"Where's Dani?"_

_"She's with Mari...her and Saul are in town visiting family and she came and picked her up for the night."_

_"Oh...well I will be there in a bit. I need to do some stuff first. Can you have Izzy ready."_

_"Ready for what?"_

_"I'm going to take him for the night."_

_"Take him where?"_

_"To stay with me."_

_"I don't even know where you are! You can't just take him to some strange place!"_

_"He's my son too, Santana! I will keep him safe."_

_"Why can't you just come home, Britt?"_

I was fighting tears as anger coursed through me.

I felt a small hand touch my arm and immediately deflated.

_"That's not home."_

_"What do you mean? Where's home?"_

_"New York. Chicago. Lima...anywhere but this place. We came here for me...and I am a loser while you are becoming a superstar. It's not fair."_

_"Do you think I care about any of that? I don't need fame...I haven't been that stupid teenager in quite a while. I can walk away."_

_"You just don't get it...look tell him I can't come...I can't look at you right now."_

_"No!" _Isaac jumped back and his eyes watered up._ "I will not break his heart because you have a bruised ego! You need to bring your ass home and explain to him why you aren't here. I won't help you abandon our kids."_

The line cut out and even with my son right there, I broke down.

This isn't how things were supposed to be.

Leaving New York was supposed to mean leaving the drama and issues behind.

* * *

I buried my head in my arms and tried to calm my breathing.

A small hand rubbed my back and was trying to calm me down.

_"It's okay, Mami. Don't cry...please?"_

The door slammed open and he let out a yelp as he buried his face in my neck._  
_

_"Izzy go get in the car."_

I raised my head up to see Britt looking beautiful with her hair growing just past her chin.

My son clutched my side and shook his head.

_"Britt you're scaring him." _

_"Why would I scare him...he has never been afraid of me!"_

Isaac was now wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his face deeper against my neck.

He was weeping.

_"Brittany! Please...calm down."_

She threw her hands up and stormed back outside, slamming the door behind her.

What the fuck?

There was only one explanation for all of this.

She had to be off her meds again.

Why did history keep repeating itself?

* * *

I pulled my son onto my lap and wiped at his face.

The fear in his eyes was something that I never thought I would have to see in my children.

Britt could terrorize me all that she wanted...but the kids were off-limits to her tantrums.

We had both agreed on that fact.

_"It's okay, Papa. You don't have to be scared of her."_

_"Please don't let her hurt you!"_ He was crying harder now.

_"What?"_

He looked like he had just said something wrong and covered his face with his hands.

_"I'm sorry." _

_"Isaac...what are you talking about? Why do you think that Mama would hurt me?"_

_"Beth says she hurt you. Dama said."_

I felt my whole body shake.

Beth must have overheard Q talking about what happened.

But Isaac was too young to hear those types of things.

This was not good.

I pulled his hand from his face and shook my head.

_"You don't need to worry. Mama isn't going to hurt me. Okay?"_

_"Promise?"_ He held out his pinky and I almost broke.

But I couldn't...he needed to see me being strong and so I gave him that.

I held out my pinky and squeezed his.

_"I promise."_

He tried to smile but ended up throwing himself at me and hugging me tight.

I was in shock...Quinn was definitely going to be getting a phone call from me later.

This was not something that I wanted to explain to my four and a half year old.

* * *

The door opened and Britt walked back in looking calmer.

She walked over quietly and slid into the chair across from me.

Her face looked different.

Older.

_"Izzy?"_ She said sweetly.

I nudged him and he slowly turned to look at his Mama.

_"Yes?"_ He whispered.

_"I'm sorry that I yelled...please forgive me?"_

She had her hands folded together and gave him a pout.

He smiled at her and wiped at his tears before nodding his head.

_"Okay."_

She smiled really big and fist pumped in the air.

This was the Mama that he loved and she was being that for him.

_"Do you think that I can have a hug, buddy?"_

He looked up at me and rested his hand on my cheek.

_"Go ahead, Papa. Don't be scared...I told you nothing bad is going to happen."_

I saw Britt's eyes snap up at me in horror before she slapped her smile back on.

Isaac nodded and then slid onto his feet and walked over to her with his arms outstretched.

Britt hugged him and kissed his cheeks before ruffling his hair.

_"I'm sorry that I scared you...let me make it up to you...how about we go to the pier and have some fun?"_

His face brightened up and immediately everything seemed light again.

_"Why don't you go get your shoes and your jacket, Papa. I need to talk to your Mama...okay?"_

He nodded and skipped out of the room.

Seeing him happy, almost made me forget the reason for his tears...almost.

* * *

I nodded towards the front porch and didn't wait for Britt to follow me outside.

It was a little chilly but I was from Ohio...this was nothing.

There was a car sitting in my driveway and I could see that someone else was inside.

Britt stepped in front of me, blocking my way.

If I wanted to walk away, I had to pass her.

Her happy face wasn't there anymore when she looked at me.

_"What's going on with you, B?"_

_"I'm not happy anymore. Not with you."_

_"What did I do to you that was so horrible?" _

_"Every day I see you and I just feel like a failure."_

I knew that already...but it still stung like a bitch.

She wasn't a very cryptic person.

_"My success is yours, B."_

_"I want my own...and I just don't think that I can do that when I'm with you."_

_"Britt, I told you...I will walk away from it all and follow you wherever you want to go."_

_"No...that's not how we work. We follow our dreams. It's what has always worked about us."_

_"Okay...so what's changed?"  
_

_"The fact that I can't dance anymore!"  
_

_"Britt it's just one semester...they said that you could come back in January."  
_

_"That's before I got kicked out of school!"  
_

_"What? When did that happen?"  
_

_"See...you don't know anything...I can't build my life around you. I need space from you."  
_

_"Fine. Take your space then."  
_

She looked shocked.

I was calling her bluff.

I wasn't going to play this yo-yo game that we played when we were teenagers.

There was too much at stake._  
_

Our children's very happiness was on the line.

I couldn't do this anymore with her.

She was either in one hundred and fifty percent or she wasn't in it at all.

_"Yea?"  
_

_"Yes...I'm taking a break from my music...I already told my manager. I need some me time...I was thinking of heading back to Ohio or some other place that feels like home."  
_

_"You decided all of this in three days?"  
_

_"Well...there wasn't much else to do...and it's not like this is the first time that you have left me."  
_

Our conversation immediately died, the moment that my son hopped onto the porch._  
_

_"I'll bring him back by ten...okay?"  
_

_"That's fine."  
_

I knelt in front of my son and pulled him into a hug._  
_

_"Are you okay, Mami?"  
_

_"I'm okay, Papa. Be good for Mama...okay?"  
_

He smiled really big and puffed his chest out._  
_

_"Always."  
_

_"Good. Have fun!"  
_

* * *

I walked out onto the back porch with my phone clutched in my hand...I was trying to calm myself down but it wasn't working.

The stupid tears just kept coming.

I needed my network...I hated being stuck to my own devices.

I had seen his stupid big lips as he drove away.

Sam Evans was ruining things and Britt was none the wiser.

She didn't have me fooled...he may not look like Grady but this situation was eerily similar.

Even if they weren't fucking, I didn't like that he was around.

He was pissing me off.

**_I need you.-San_**

Her response was immediate.

_"Hello?"_ I said as I sat on my back step and looked out at the ocean.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"My album went fucking platinum!"_

_"Please understand that I'm trying to be sympathetic but that doesn't seem like a problem."_

_"Take your head out your ass, Fabray!"_

_"That's Lopez thank you very much. Is this about Brittany?"_

_"It's always about Brittany. I am losing it. She just can't take my success...it's too fucking much for her!"_

I clenched my shirt with my fist as I tried to breathe.

I started hyperventilating.

This was all just too much for me.

_"Breathe sweetheart...just breathe. I need you just tell me what's going on?"_

I hiccuped and pushed out as many breaths as I could but they were hard to come by.

This was what my son went through and then just thinking of Isaac made it worse and I started to cry even harder.

_"San...I'm freaking out over here...please talk to me!"_

It took me about ten minutes before I was able to breathe again.

And then another ten before I could form words.

But by the time that I could, I rambled out the last two years in full detail to her.

_"I know just what you need."_ She said quietly as I tried to keep breathing normally.

_"What?"_

_"Go home."_

_"To New York?"_

_"No...to Lima. I think you both need to reconnect to who you were when you fell in love and what better place than Lima?"_

_"How am I going to convince her to move back to Lima when I can't even convince her to come home every night?"_

_"She said that she didn't feel at home there right?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Okay, so take her home."_

_"Yea but how? It's like I don't know her anymore."_

_"Make it about her. That's what she needs...to feel like you care about her. Like you understand what she needs from you."_

_"But I don't know Q...I haven't the slightest clue how to fix this shit. I have been sober, I have been Suzy fucking sunshine about her new best friend and I haven't even fought her on becoming a fucking pothead and shaving her head!"_

It started as a small giggle but then before I knew it we were both laughing like idiots.

That well needed moment of lightness helped to calm me more than meer words ever could.

_"Look, S...it's what's missing. She hurt you and moved back to Lima to fix herself. You got out of rehab and you moved back...I think it's something that you both need. You can record music anywhere and Britt...I say you let her spend some time with Sue and Susan. If you can't help her pull the stick out her ass maybe one of them can."_

Quinn had gotten through to me...just not in the way that she had intended.

I could record anywhere.

And if Britt didn't want me anymore then I wasn't going to make myself so available to her.

She wanted control but the truth was that giving up my control involved me trusting her.

I had a lot of emotions when it came to my wife at the moment, sadly trust wasn't one of them.

* * *

_**[Part 2]**_

**Complicated (Robin Thicke)**

* * *

_**And if she didn't want me anymore then I wasn't going to make myself so available.**_

_**She wanted control but the truth was that giving up my control involved me trusting her.**_

_**I had a lot of emotions when it came to my wife at the moment, sadly trust wasn't one of them.**_

* * *

**November 2016**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I deserved this.

That was the first thing that came to mind as I walked into our empty beach house.

It looked like she had just gone for a run and if she hadn't been kind enough to leave me a voice mail, I would have thought just that.

I sat in Izzy's room and replayed the voice mail.

**_"Good morning Britt Britt, right about now someone is knocking on Sam's door asking for you, giving me enough time to board a plane. I have taken the kids with me. They really needed a change of scenery. I hope that things work out for you. Dance your heart out, B. I love you, always and only. Oh and just so you know...I went ahead and got your eggs put in at that appointment that you never showed up to during that week you disappeared. I'm pregnant...wish you could have been a part of it...since it was your idea! Anyway...I'll be in touch! Bye!"_**

Was this what it felt like?

Getting big news and feeling like there was no one to share in that success?

Is that how she felt?

I had fucked up big time...why did I keep doing things like this?

She had really left me.

Was that what I really wanted?

**_Is Ana with you?-Brittany_**

I looked down at my phone as I sent a mass text message to people she would have run to.

_**No...but you should fix this.-Quinnie**_

Of course she had talked to Quinn and from the sounds of it...she had told her everything._**  
**_

_**No, did she go somewhere?-Mercedes**_

So her work didn't know...that means she couldn't be gone for long...right?_**  
**_

_**No.-Ari**_

The short quick response from Ari made me feel like she had something to hide...maybe Ana had gone to New York?_**  
**_

_**I wish.-Rachel**_

And then there was Rachel...her sponsor and one of our best friends.

She was the only person that I responded to._ **  
**_

_**Me too-Brittany  
**_

_**Well why isn't she then?-Rachel  
**_

_**Because I fucked up!-Brittany  
**_

_**Then fix it.-Rachel  
**_

_**I don't know how.-Brittany  
**_

_**NOBODY knows Santana like you do.-Rachel  
**_

_**You're right.-Brittany  
**_

_**Have you called her?-Rachel  
**_

_**No.-Brittany  
**_

_**Well start there...good luck.-Rachel  
**_

* * *

It had been much easier to get in touch with Ana than it had been for her to get in touch with me.

I literally just dialed her number and it rang once before I heard her voice.

_"Hi."_

_"Where are you?"_

_"Still on the plane." _

_"Where are you going?"_

_"Far enough away from you."_

Ouch.

I felt like she punched me straight in the chest.

_"Are you really pregnant?"_

_"Yea...when you asked me back in August...I was ready to do anything to keep us going. I swallowed my pride and asked Marco just like you wanted me to...I went to that appointment and he flew in just to get things going. You never showed. The doctors said that it probably wouldn't take, so I didn't say anything. I wanted to see if you and I were going to get back to us. And we were doing so good and I was going to tell you as part of your birthday present and then...you left. So I didn't tell you." _

_"How far are you?"_

_"Two month and half months with twins. I'm due on the first day of June."_

I held my hand over my mouth.

She was pregnant with my babies.

Babies that came from my eggs.

And now she was gone and I was about to be too.

How was this fair?

_"I have to see you...tell me where you are going and I will catch the next plane."_

_"No...maybe after we get settled. Besides...you have other commitments now."_

_"You can't possibly think that I'm going on this tour...even if it is Beyoncé. This is a year-long tour in Europe...there is no way that I'm going anywhere...not while you are pregnant."_

_"I'm not telling you where I am Brittany. Not until I know that you are far enough away from us that you can't hurt us anymore. Our son has nightmares now...he wakes up crying asking for you and you aren't there. I call and you don't answer. So I'm left to hold him while he cries for you. It breaks my heart. You think that just because you took him to the pier, one time three weeks ago that suddenly you being gone is okay with him. You can't come in and out of his life. I won't let you. So you go on that tour and you figure out your shit."_

_"No."_

_"Yes...this is my fault...I should have made you go on that Madonna tour or any of the tours. You keep rebelling against me like I'm holding you hostage but I'm not. Not anymore. Don't come looking for me...I'm not going to be in Ohio or New York or anywhere else that you know. I am going to be away from you until you realize what you really want."_

_"Why are you doing this?"_

_"Because you were right, Brittany. This isn't working. You and I are both trying to be successful. We are both going after our dreams and at the rate that we are going, we are going to end up destroying each other. I can't live like this anymore. You are always my love...always and only you...but even that isn't enough to keep you home in my arms. I don't want to fight for your affection...I have to live for my kids because they need me more than you do. I live for them. I need to go...I'll call you later so that you can say goodnight to the kids."_

I was speechless as she hung up in my ear.

My face was hot as the tears poured over my cheeks and my head began to pound as I dropped my phone on my son's bed.

What had I done?

My phone vibrated and I desperately grabbed for it.

**_And please, just take your meds! :/-Ana_**

**_I will.-Britt  
_**

**_:) Good.-Ana  
_**

Play time was over.

I wasn't going to lie and say that I hadn't enjoyed these last few months hanging out with Sam,

Because it was insanely fun...

We laughed and we were goofy...

With Sam life was uncomplicated and simple...

Ana was nothing like that...or at least I thought she wasn't.

Now though...I could see that she was a different kind of uncomplicated.

She loved me good and bad, she supported me in all of my crazy and I had just let her walk away from me.

Because for months...I treated her like she wasn't good enough.

I was driving her away and I hadn't cared...

Until she took my family away...

Because now I had to fight to get them back and even when I did...I knew that this time...things wouldn't be the same.** _  
_**

But I didn't care.

I didn't deserve to have the control...she did.

As long as she was the mother of my children...I was hers.

Forever.

And that didn't sound half bad.

* * *

_**[Part 3]**_

**Tears Always Win (Alicia Keys)**

* * *

_**But I didn't care.**_

_**I didn't deserve to have the control...she did.**_

_**As long as she was the mother of my children...I was hers.**_

_**Forever.**_

_**And that didn't sound half bad.**_

* * *

**March 2017**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I hugged my belly and slowly sat up.

The sun was lightly beaming into my bedroom and I couldn't help but smile to myself.

I was filled with a sense of peace as I listened to the sound of nature pouring through my open window.

It reminded me of those nights falling asleep in my treehouse.

_"Mami, are you awake?"_

I turned to my son and could see that he was already dressed as he held a glass of apple juice for me.

_"Is that for me?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Did you get this by yourself, Papa?"_

He nodded and walked closer to me.

I took the glass and kissed his chubby cheek.

_"It's not too cold, just the way you like it."_

_"Thank you."_

He smiled and putting his lips to my stomach and dropping two kisses there.

I couldn't help but smile.

_"How are the babies today?"_

I rubbed my belly and then felt two kicks.

_"Already kicking...do you want to feel?"_

He nodded and held his hands out.

I took them and placed them on either side of my belly button and pressed down a little.

Two strong kicks hit his hands and he looked up at me with wide eyes.

_"Wow!"_

My eyes went wide too with excitement as I nodded.

_"I know, right?"_

I heard a small knock on the door and looked over to see my daughter looking at me with a big smile.

She reminded me so much of Britt when she looked at me like that.

They were both early risers, both bubbly at the first sign of sunlight.

A sense of longing filled me.

It had been four long months since I had left L.A. and my wife.

I missed her like crazy.

_"Morning Mami."_ Daniela said as she came and without hesitation put her hand next to Isaac's on my stomach.

One of the babies kicked again and she smiled wider.

_"Cool!"_ She giggled before pushing again like I had shown her the day before.

Another kick.

The kicking was becoming too much and pretty soon I was going to have to pee.

_"Okay, that's enough...how about we get breakfast going?"_

_"We already ate."_ Isaac chirped up.

_"Oh...Felo's up?"_

_"Yes...he said he was going to take us to get Dama."_

_"Is that right?"_

_"Yes, I did...good morning Anita...how are you today?" _Felo said as he popped his head into the room.

_"Large. What time are you headed out to get Q?"_

_"Soon...waiting on these little munchkins. You two ready to go get your Dama?"_

_"Yes!"_ They screamed out in unison.

I kissed my babies and sent them on their way.

The ride to the airport was almost an hour one way so I knew that I probably had enough time to get a shower and maybe walk down to the beach before Quinn showed up.

It was her spring break from med school and she had decided to come spend it with me.

This would be the first time that I was seeing anyone outside of Felix, my Titi Irma and my kids since I had left L.A.

Nobody else knew about the pregnancy...at least not from me.

I was excited to get some time with my best friend and catch up on what was going on with everyone.

The only contact that I kept with people back home was just through email and short phone calls.

Being with Felix was great but he kept his distance just out of respect and Titi Irma was a great help when I needed a break from the kids but she was always gossiping about someone in the family.

I had no friends here and while bonding with my kids and Titi...and I admit it really has been great...I need my Lucy Q more than I liked to admit.

* * *

When you are seven months pregnant with twins, it's hard to really move but I had somehow mastered it as best as I could.

This was the healthiest that I had ever been because I found my limits and didn't push myself past them.

I knew how important this pregnancy was for not just me but for Brittany.

These were her eggs, her biological children and while she wasn't carrying them, I knew that it meant the world to her that I had decided to do this.

Which is why, I sent her pictures of my belly and of the kids.

Never pictures of me or status updates on me, just stuff about them.

Every communication that I had with her stayed strictly about the kids.

I sent her voice memos and pictures once a week but we never had a direct conversation.

She sounded happy and from the pictures that various people were sending me, I knew that she was thriving.

My phone flashed and I saw that I had a new voice memo.

Brittany.

I sat on the porch swing and opened the email.

There was a picture of her, with her long locks around her shoulders and a giant smile on her face while she looked at the pictures that I had sent her last night.

It was when I had revealed to her that it was twin girls...something that I had just found out a few days before.

I had sent her a picture of the sonograms and then simply the word...GIRLS!

Seeing her excitement made me want to climb on a plane and fly straight to her but I wasn't able to fly anymore.

I was too big.

Besides...her tour would come to an end in a couple of months.

Maybe I would let her come see them when they were born...

I took a deep breath and looked down through teary eyes as my thumb hovered over the memo.

Just as I was about to hit the little box, I heard the sound of the gravel crunching under tires.

When I looked up, I could see Felo's truck coming up the long driveway with a cloud of dust behind it.

The memo could wait.

* * *

I was heating up the lunch that I had prepared when they all piled into the house.

_"I smell lunch...Izzy why don't you and Daniela show your Dama where she is staying...okay?"_

I heard my kids shout out in excitement to Quinn and smiled to myself.

They were excited to see someone that reminded them of home too.

Felix walked into the kitchen with a big smile on his face.

_"Does she know?"_

I had asked Felix to figure out if Quinn knew about the pregnancy.

The kids while young knew not to say anything about it.

So if she didn't know...she probably wouldn't until she saw me.

_"Nope...she asked if you and I were sleeping together...I told her no, although not for lack of trying."_

_"I may be too fat to fit my wedding rings but I'm still very much married." _I winked and he blushed.

_"I know."_

_"Do you think that after lunch you can take them over to Titi's...just so that I can get some time in with mi amiga?"_

He nodded.

_"Yea...no problem and I will make myself scarce too."_

_"Of course you will...I know you have a thing for mi prima."_

He blushed again and waved me off before leaving the kitchen.

_"I'm going to get cleaned up, it's smells great!"_

* * *

_"Holy crap...when did this happen?" _

I was just serving the plates when I looked up to see Quinn with her jaw hanging open._  
_

_"In L.A. and no I didn't sleep with any guy...this was all Brittany."  
_

_"She knows about this?"  
_

_"Yea...she finally got me to use those eggs of hers and it took on the first try."  
_

_"Holy crap!"  
_

_"You already said that."  
_

_"Holy fucki-"  
_

_"Language." _I warned as little footsteps came into the room.

She nodded and didn't say another word but shot me a look that told me that I had some more explaining to do.

Lunch was quiet and uneventful as Quinn caught us up on Beth and my sister.

Apparently my seven year old god-daughter was on honor roll and had a Lopez attitude like no other.

I snickered and Quinn shot me a glare.

It was fitting that even with me out of the picture that my sister had picked up my slack and kept Quinn from turning Beth into a prude.

Quinn looked like she wanted to interrogate me the more that I snickered.

I knew that she wanted answers and from the looks of my kids hooded eyes and empty plates...it was time to get them over to my Titi's.

Titi Irma was my father's baby sister and she had this huge sugar plantation and goats, chickens...just a whole bunch of stuff and they loved it there.

She would let the kids run around knowing that they would tire themselves out and nap for hours.

_"Alright...guys lets get you cleaned up so Felo can take you to go see Titi and her new puppies."_

_"Can we have one?"_ Isaac said clapping his hands together.

I shot him a glare because he knew that if Daniela heard that it was all over.

Daniela screeched and clapped her hands too.

_"Please, Mami?"_

Now it was Quinn's turn to snicker.

_"Maybe after the babies come...but right now, I need clean faces and hands."_

They jumped from their chairs and ran from the room.

_"No running!"_

_"Sorry!"_ They yelled back to me.

I shot Felo a look and he got the message.

_"I will get them cleaned up and bring them in to say goodnight. You have their bag packed?"_

_"It's on my bed...make sure you grab Isaac's machine...he's been wheezy this week."_

He nodded and headed out of the kitchen leaving me with my personal interrogator.

* * *

After a bunch of kisses from both me and Q, the kids ran from the house and left us alone.

We were standing side by side, finishing up the dishes and I could feel her just itching to say something.

After the last dish was put away, I turned to look at her and could see her calculating eyes checking me out.

Quinn was about to open her mouth but before she could, I leaned over and pulled her into my arms.

_"I missed you so fucking much, Lucy Q."_ I said just before kissing her cheek.

_"Wow...I um...I missed you too."_

She was blushing and I couldn't help but hug her once more.

I had just really missed her.

Being on my own for so long, had really made me appreciate my friends and family more.

_"Okay...you look like you're going to hurl. Let's go sit outside...okay?"_

She nodded and followed me out onto the back porch.

Her jaw dropped at the view.

_"This is amazing...best Spring Break already!" _

_"Yea...you could work on that tan...how is it that you have moved to California and not gotten a tan?"_

_"Because as a med student, I have seen the effects the sun has on the skin and I have become more cautious."_

_"Ehh...you gotta go someday right?" _Her jaw dropped and I scrunched up my nose. _"Too much?"_ I shrugged.

_"Same old Santana."_

_"Don't tell Ari I said that."_

_"I'm sure she's heard worse from you."_

_"True."_

I sat on the swing and pulled my phone from the end table.

There was another email.

Brittany.

Usually I respond immediately to her memos...but it had been almost an hour since she had sent it and I hadn't responded.

Whoops.

I shrugged and looked at my best friend who was leaning on the railing staring at me.

_"Talk to me, S. What's going on with you two?"_

_"You haven't talked to her?"_

_"No...the moment that I knew that you were gone...I told her to fix this thing between you and then didn't respond after that. I had to fuck your sister into oblivion to get her to tell me where you were."_

_"TMI, Q...I could have gone without the imagery."_

_"Ha! I thought I was the prude!"_ She barked out with a wicked smile on her face.

_"Motherhood softened me...what can I say?"_

_"Wow...I like you pregnant...have I ever told you how much I enjoy you like this? You are just so radiant...it's a shame that Brittany's missing out on this."_

And there it was.

The conversation went from playful to serious.

I patted the swing next to me and waited for her to come sit with me.

Once she was sitting, I kicked off and let the swing glide us back and forth.

Felo had built the whole thing from the trunk of a tree and it was my favorite thing.

It glided instead of swung and was sturdy.

He said I could take it with me when I left but I wasn't sure if that was going to ever happen.

This was Britt's dream...maybe we would stay.

If we got back together that is.

* * *

_"What do you want to know?"_

_"Well...lets start with you being pregnant...very fucking pregnant!"_

_"I'm seven months and it's twins...girls. I used Britt's eggs and Marco's sperm. She knows but hasn't seen me in person. I have been keeping her updated on the pregnancy and on the kids. She and I haven't actually spoken to each other...just voice memos and pictures."_

_"Is that what you were looking at?"_

_"Yea...she sent me a memo earlier when you guys got here...I didn't check it and so she sent me another one."_

_"Well...lets listen to it!"_

I looked at her and then back at my phone.

Britt was probably waiting even if it was getting late at night in Spain.

_"Okay...keep in mind that she still doesn't know where I am...okay?"_

_"Just play it San!"_

She poked my ribs and I shot her a glare.

Why does she always do that when I'm pregnant?

I rolled my eyes and pressed play on the first message.

The sound of Britt's voice made my hairs raise.

She still had this serious effect on me and it drove me crazy!

**_"Hey Ana Banana! Girls! That's amazing! Thank you so much for this! I can't wait to see them! I'm glad to hear that the babies are healthy and that you are taking great care of yourself. I miss you guys so much. So Izzy finished his first chapter book? I don't think that I have even done that and Dani is learning to dance...that's just like my dream. I am figuring a lot of stuff out here and I can't wait to show you just how much. I wish that I knew where you were so that I could come to you but I finally understand why you are doing things like this. I needed this tour, I needed to live this dream. It's exhausting and amazing and if I didn't thank you before, Thank you so so much! I love you, Ana. Always and only you. Kiss the kids for me."_**

When I looked at Quinn I could see the tears in her eyes that matched my own.

Every memo made me miss my wife.

I was lonely without her.

Everything reminded me of her.

I missed her like crazy.

_"Play the next one."_ Quinn croaked out as she rested her head on my shoulder.

I sighed at her touch and felt my anxiety flush away.

A girl needs her best friend.

I hit play after wiping my eyes.

**_"Hey...I realized that it's lunch time there and you are probably feeding the kids but I just wanted to message you back and make sure that I tell you that I hope you will let me be there when the girls are born. I want to be there...I never missed a birth of our kids and I don't want to start now. So maybe just think about it? Okay...I love you. Bye!"_ **

This time I could tell that she had been crying and dropped my phone after.

I covered my face and cried into my hands.

Quinn wrapped her arms around me and let me cry into her shoulder as she knelt beside me.

_"Talk to me, San. Where's your head?"_

_"Am I doing the right thing?"_

_"It sounds like you are...she's realizing that she needs you guys."_

_"The kids really miss her and if I'm honest...I miss her so much...I miss everything."_

_"Even her taking you for granted and hurting you?"  
_

I swallowed back my tears and shook my head._  
_

_"No...of course not that."  
_

_"Well...then you are doing the right thing."  
_

_"I want her to be here when they are born."  
_

_"How are you going to do that...with twins...it can be unpredictable...maybe it's time that she knows where you are?"  
_

_"You think so?"  
_

_"Look at your history...you have never made it to nine months and well...you have a greater chance of not making it again. They can do without her on the tour for two months...right?"  
_

I nodded and looked into Quinn's eyes._  
_

_"They know that I'm pregnant and will definitely let her come to me...but what if I can't get her to go back after the babies are here."  
_

_"You'll convince her...she just really should get to be with you now...I know you want her here...right?"  
_

_"I do."  
_

_"Then be smart...send her another memo. Tell her to come. I'd like to see her, talk to her before I go."  
_

_"Okay...I can do that."  
_

_"Good...I'm going to go call my wife and Beth and you do what you gotta do. I love you San...and I'm really proud of you!"  
_

I took a deep breath and allowed Quinn's words to sink in.

It was time for Britt to come back.

We needed her._  
_

* * *

**_[Part 4]  
_**

**I Never Told You (Colbie Caillat)**

* * *

**_I took a deep breath and allowed Quinn's words to sink in._**

**_It was time for Britt to come back._**

_**We needed her.**  
_

* * *

**March 2017**_**  
**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**_**  
**_

* * *

I was so antsy as I sat there just waiting for a response.

So much had changed for me in four short months.

My dream had been realized and I was just so sure that I could still do this while married.

Why did I think that I couldn't?

Ana was doing it...she had done it and the kids were fine.

I got stupid...and I ran with it.

Now though...I couldn't anymore.

I didn't want to.

She was off somewhere raising our family without me and it just should never be that way.

Frankie had drilled it into my head when we had stopped in Italy for a few weeks.

I had to sit and listen to her tell me how dumb I had been.

She reminded me that dancers don't last forever...that we only have so many years before arthritis sets in and that I was throwing away my life with Santana over it.

I went back to my hotel room and cried my eyes out.

She was so right...I wasn't single and a lot of these dancers were younger than me and single.

They wanted to go out and party and hook up and I wanted to be reading my kids bedtime stories.

I wanted to be showing them things and teaching them things.

My heart was with my kids over being on stage dancing.

I needed to settle down.

This wasn't the life for me anymore and I was ready to be done with it.

For good.

Maybe I could open my own school or choreograph again but touring just wasn't enough anymore.

It wasn't everything to me...dancing wasn't filling the places in my heart that only my kids and Ana could.

She didn't want to be with me right now, she had her walls up super tall,

Thankfully, she was still keeping a window open for me.

I lived for her weekly updates on her pregnancy and what the kids were doing.

That's when I knew where I needed to be and so I finally broke down and asked her if I could at least be there when she gave birth.

I knew that it was a long shot but I just had to take the risk.

Because if she said yes, I promised myself that I would do everything to fix the damage that I had created.

Everything and anything!

So now, while all the other dancers were out getting wasted since we had an off day the next day, I was sitting in the hotel waiting for my phone to light up.

It had been almost an hour but I couldn't give up.

Ever.

* * *

I had finally stopped holding my pee and had run to the bathroom when I heard my phone chime.

Twice.

She had sent two messages back.

I washed my hands and then dove onto the bed, anxious.

And super excited.

This was it.

Please God let it be good!

Just as I was about to unlock my phone, another message popped up.

Wow!

I opened the first message and couldn't hold back my smile.

She sounded nervous.

_**"Hey, Britt Britt...I got your messages and I spent like twenty minutes crying. Quinn is with me for Spring Break and she just found out that I'm pregnant. Apparently, this is like the best kept secret. Anyway...you know how for me it has always been really easy to tell you how I feel through song. Yea? Ok, So I had Lucy here accompany me in my studio and I made you the next message. I hope it explains my answer to your question. And um...I love you too...always."**_

My hand was shaky as I immediately played the next message.

She was playing the piano and it sounded like she got Quinn to pick up her guitar.

And then her voice made me melt.

She was singing that old Colbie Caillat song, 'I never told you' and I just sat there with my eyes closed and just quietly sang along.

She missed me.

All of me.

She was giving me a chance.

I couldn't mess up.

Even though it was pretty obvious that she was giving me another chance, I was really nervous to hear the third message.

So I played her singing over and over again until I had cried so hard that my throat was swollen and my eyes were burning.

I cried until the tears just wouldn't come anymore.

And it was the most cleansing thing that I had ever done.

This song was more beautiful than any song she had ever sung because I could hear all the emotion behind it.

It was the most beautiful thing that I had ever heard.

My phone buzzed and I saw a text.

**_You okay?-Ana_**

I snapped a picture of my face and without looking at it, I sent it to her with the words.

**_I'm a wreck, I missed your voice.-B_**

**_I meant every word!-Ana_**

After that I clicked on the final message and then buried my face in the pillow and closed my eyes.

I was imagining her right next to me.**_  
_**

**_"Okay...so I know it was pretty clear what I meant by that song but just so there is no confusion. I really want you here. I want to share this experience with you. I miss you. I'm in Puerto Rico...come home."  
_**

I broke apart and replayed the message six times.

Home...

NO word had ever sounded as beautiful to my ears.

She was my home...

They were my home...

Always!

* * *

I caught a flight out the next morning, knowing that she waiting for me.**_  
_**

I don't know what Quinn said to her to give her that final push but it sure made me want to hug her when I saw her.

This had Quinn written all over it.

And I had no problem with that.

If anyone could get Ana to see things that she was usually too stubborn to see it was Quinn just like Frankie had with me.

The flight was long and I spent most of it wide awake, reading my bible and just thinking out everything that had brought me to this point.

When I had told them that I needed to leave the tour until after the babies were born, they told me that they would have a spot waiting for me if I still wanted it.

And the old me would have jumped at that but I was really thinking that I didn't want it.

I had the experience and now...I was ready to move on.

There was no longer this part of me that felt like I was missing out on something.

I had done everything...I had choreographed, I had done Broadway, I had taught and I had danced on tour.

Everything that I had ever wanted to do when it came to dancing had been accomplished before my twenty-fourth birthday and now my biggest dream of having my own family was continuing.

My family was forever.

And I knew that all along but I had really, seriously taken it for granted.

She knew that and had told me so...but I had to see it for myself.

I have always been a slow learner...I've always had to touch the fire to know if it burns.

And I had been burned a lot.

I knew now what I wanted and what I didn't.

She deserved the best from me and I had never given it to her.

Not completely.

She had my heart and I never wanted it to be any other way.

I never wanted to be so close to losing her...ever again and I knew that was up to me.

Now I just had to spend the rest of my life showing her just how much I love her.

And just how grateful I was for everything that we were together.

A perfect blend of all the best things in life.

She was my everything and I was hers.

We had been to hell and back.

Broken each other and came back stronger.

Everything about us was epic.

And I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.

I guess that's the thing about love.

There is nothing better!

* * *

**_A/N: Epilogue is next! I'm so excited! :)_ **

_**Thank you for all the reviews, follows, favorites! I love you guys.  
**_

**_Oh and if you have never done it...read the one shots...I love them and I think that you will too!_  
**

**_Don't forget to review!  
_**


	70. Chapter 70:Only, For Love

_**A/N: Here we are...the beginning of the end. I just want to thank every single one of you, especially those who took the time to review. I tried to get back to all of you. This story has been my world for almost a year and a big part of me is sad to end it but I really feel like its the right time. I hope that you enjoyed every step of the way...even if it was a bit trigger-y. I hope you stopped to read the one shots which while not necessary, they do help shoulder this story. After these last installments, I shall be gone from this world of fanfiction for a while. I look forward to reading what you thought of my story.  
**_

_**I wish I owned more of this than my OCs, a dollar and a dream but your praise shall do just fine. ;) **_

**_Any way...sappy shit being said...enjoy my epically long epilogue!_**

**_I had to break it apart because I feel like it's rude to slap you with a 20,000 word chapter! :) _**

* * *

**Chapter 70: Epilogue Part 1-Only, For Love  
**

* * *

_**[Part 1]**_

**Only Wanna Dance With You (Ke$ha)**

* * *

**March 2017**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I got off the plane in a country that I had always dreamed of going to but that I had never actually visited.

Everyone was running around either trying to sell me things or push past me.

At that moment, as Spanish words danced all around me, I was really glad that I had just spent the last three weeks in Spain and also, what felt like a lifetime, married to Santana Lopez.

_"Britt?"_

I lifted my head as I stepped out of baggage claim and there was Quinn waving at me with a nervous look on her face.

As always she looked so graceful and as always I thought her not being a dancer was a sin.

She had the body and the grace for it.

Oh well.

Even with all of the history that we have between us, a sense of relief filled me when I saw her.

The moment that Quinn's arms were around me I felt all this stress leave me.

I hugged her super tight and inhaled the scent of my wife on her.

And even though I knew that they were never going there again...I still felt a spark of jealousy.

She stepped back and brushed my hair out of my face and searched my eyes.

_"Everything okay, tired?"_

She looked really worried.

_"Yea."_ I said still trying to catch my breath.

_"You sure?"_

I nodded and shook her hands off of my face.

_"Should I not be okay?"_

As much as I wanted to know what she was going on about, I didn't pay a bit of attention to her answer because my attention was taken away.

I was now focused on the person that was with her.

Felix...Ana's godbrother and her kind of ex was standing there behind Quinn texting into his phone like this was some normal thing.

_"Britt?"_ Quinn said snapping my attention back.

_"What's Felix doing here?"_ I asked as I began to march over to him, damn my jealousy.

Is this where Ana had gone?

Running to an ex?

With my kids?

I was really angry even if I was smiling.

Only people closest to me knew that this particular smile meant that I was about to lose my shit.

And who knew me better than Quinn did...other than Ana that is?

I would have made a fool of myself but thankfully Quinn grabbed me and yanked me backwards before I had the chance.

Felix didn't even know that I was about to punch him because Quinn had stepped between us.

He looked up and waved at me and I gave him a small wave before looking at Quinn feeling super annoyed.

_"Is she fucking him?"_

_"No."_

_"You sure? Am I here to see her happy ever after with him?"_

_"She went to him and he gave her a place to live. They aren't having sex...I checked. I wouldn't have pushed her to have you come here if it was anything more than that. Trust me, B. Please? He is really good to her and the kids...and if you go nuts on him, he WILL run to her and tell her. She definitely will not approve of that...she is trying to fix things...and I know that's what you want too...so don't screw it up."_

I nodded but didn't take my eyes off of him.

If what Quinn was saying was true...and I was pretty sure that it was...then I had nothing to worry about.

And I knew that he was no Marco or Ian.

He had no secret agenda...he just always seemed to deeply care about Ana in a brotherly way.

I knew that.

Jealousy can just blind you, I guess.

He was always nice to me...and made me laugh whenever he was around but somehow, knowing that he had fucked my wife in the past...before we even started dating...had just taken my anger to a whole other level.

But if Quinn said that nothing was going on, then I had to let it go, she wouldn't lie to me about this.

Ana tells her almost everything and she would definitely tell her something like this.

So I adjusted my attitude and went back to being bouncy Brittany before hugging him and thanking him for looking after my family.

If he was going to talk to Ana about me...then it would only be about good things.

* * *

The ride through the mountainside was beautiful.

Everything was so peaceful and full of nature.

I could see just why Ana had come here to get away...it was like a paradise.

And I wouldn't think to look for her here even if she was a natural born country girl.

I should have known that she'd seek out the island but instead, I had pictured her in a city somewhere.

Ana's ability to surprise me was as good as my timing.

She was always one step ahead of me.

_"So Brittany...please know that I have taken care of your wife the best that I can but since I'm leaving the house to you guys and will be staying on the other side of the island...you can have that responsibility back. Her doctor tells her to take it easy but you know Ana as well as I do...she's stubborn. Quinn caught her on a chair trying to clean a ceiling fan just this morning."_

I wanted to laugh because that is so something that my wife would do but if the pictures she had sent me were any clue into just how big she was, then I really needed to watch out for her when I got to the house.

She shouldn't be climbing on anything.

_"No worries...I'll put a stop to that."_

_"San really wants you to spend time with the kids...she wanted me to make sure that you knew that the kids happiness is her first priority." _Quinn called from the backseat.

I smiled back at her even if she was looking at me like she was warning me.

Warning me about my own wife!

I couldn't helped but snap back at her in annoyance.

_"What aren't you saying to me, Quinn? First you are super worried about me and now you are telling me something that I already know...what's really going on?"_

_"Ugh...look...she's hurt and it's like being stuck in between you two. I'm only here for a few more days and I don't want to leave knowing that you two are going to tear each other apart. I have a right to be worried. She doesn't want you to think that this automatically means that you guys are good again. She moved my bags into her room and had me clean up the guest room for you. She is scared that you are going to leave her again...and I'm not talking about leaving for a tour."_

This I had expected.

Or at least, I should have.

I turned almost completely in my seat and met her eyes.

She looked like she was going to cry.

But it was okay, I was okay.

So I smiled at her and bit my lip.

Frankly, if Ana didn't act like this, I would have been surprised.

I finally shrugged and put an even bigger a smile on my face...I couldn't let Quinn or Felix think that this was getting to me.

Even if it was, it was something that I had deserved.

Not only had I cut Ana off in L.A. but I had neglected my own kids.

So for me, this was the time to fix that and if she wanted me in a hotel or a doghouse...I would do it.

This time WAS about the kids...and I wasn't crazy enough to think that it was anything more than that.

Sure...I was disappointed about the way she wanted things but I expected it.

_"That's fine. Thanks for telling me."_

I turned back around and stared out the window, hoping that I didn't cry.

Because that would be even worse than trying to pretend to be okay with this.

What was it going to take for me to get my life back?

And was I willing to do it?

Absolutely.

* * *

Okay, so I'll admit it...Quinn really annoyed me.

So much so, that I was silent for the rest of the trip.

A big part of me, bigger than I like to admit had been holding onto serious hope that things would be fun again.

That I wouldn't have to work hard to get my wife back.

Quinn knew Ana inside and out and if she was worried about the way that things were...even if she tried to mask it.

I knew better.

And smile or not...Quinn definitely knew that she she couldn't ignore this.

She wouldn't be so worried if that was the truth.

But she was and she made me worry now.

It made me want to slap her!

Ugh...not really...but that's how annoyed I was.

What she had said, had bothered me so much that I couldn't focus on all of the pretty things outside the windows of the car.

The sounds of the island were gone to me and were replaced by every bad word that was ever said between me and Ana.

My hands itched as I remembered every time that I touched her in anger.

I slammed my eyes closed and pretended to fall asleep just so that Quinn would stop staring at me from the back seat.

The tears that were in my eyes were covered and I was able to just be sad and angry without being bothered.

At least for a little while.

* * *

By the time that we pulled up outside of a small one level house, I had tears not only in my eyes but running down my cheeks.

I didn't pay any attention to Quinn or Felix as I made my way up the porch steps with them ahead of me.

I wiped angrily at the tears on my cheeks...this shouldn't be getting to me.

But it was.

Because I knew that Ana was at the end of caring about me...about us...our marriage...our love?

If she didn't even want to sleep next to me anymore...trusting that my presence would give her peace...then what was I even here for?

And then I was reminded.

I could hear laughter inside the house and it made my heart race.

My family.

The loneliness of dancing and sleeping in hotel rooms was setting in.

I wouldn't trade the experience of dancing on tour but really, it was easily forgettable when compared to the sound of my children and wife laughing.

It was then that I knew that this time was the most serious.

Ana was serious and I would wait forever for her to want me back, just as long as I got to hear them laughing.

It was music to my ears.

* * *

Felix and Quinn walked ahead of me and into the house with my bags, which I was really grateful for.

I turned from the door and leaned against the front railing.

The sun was beaming down onto the front yard and the palm trees were swaying in the light breeze.

In Ohio it was probably pouring down rain and here it was like the middle of summer.

It made me smile.

Slowly the angst poured out of me.

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths.

That extra moment had given me a second to wipe the tears from my eyes and refocus myself.

I didn't want her to see me upset.

Crying was not how I wanted my kids to see me for the first time in four months.

I took another deep breath, ran my hands over my face, fluffed up my hair and smiled.

We got this Lopez.

* * *

_"Where's Britt?"_

That was the first thing that I heard Ana say as I was walking into the house.

She sounded worried and she shouldn't be.

We had done this before.

It was supposed to be simple.

So I smiled and was prepared to calm her.

I was about to speak but then found myself speechless when I saw her.

Ana had her hair up in her old high ponytail and her lips were super red.

She was glowing as she looked at me with those big brown eyes.

What made me stop in my tracks though, was the sight of her belly, big and round.

She rested her hands on top of it and a smile lifted her red lips.

I wanted nothing more than to kiss them.

Taste them but instead my eyes continued their visual inspection.

She had on black yoga pants and my old Julliard shirt and my heart swelled.

She had a million shirts but she chose to wear that one, knowing that I was coming.

Despite what Quinn had said, Ana was showing me that there was still hope.

Hope from our history.

I smiled at her as I met her eyes again.

Everything about her was so beautiful and I felt sad that I couldn't just wrap her in my arms and kiss her.

I mean yea...she's my wife and we had, had tons of sexy times but not with so much hurt between us, I had fucked up and she had still found me a place to fix my shit...again...so now, this time around I didn't want to push her.

I was going to do things on her terms for however long it took.

Back in L.A. things had really gotten messed up and so now if I wanted this thing to last forever, then I had to let her lead me.

It was going to be hard but if it meant that I got to be with her and the kids, then I would do whatever it took.

I had to keep telling myself that.

* * *

I had it all planned out.

From the moment that I first got on my flight from Barcelona, I had been trying to figure out exactly what I would say to my wife.

We had been actually communicating nicely these last few weeks and now I was hoping that I could take it one step further.

I wanted to fix my marriage.

For so many years now, I had found ways to escape my responsibilities.

I ran every time things got too tough and now...I was prepared to not do that anymore.

I was prepared to be everything that she and the kids needed me to be.

By any means necessary.

_"Hey, Britt Britt."_ Ana said shyly.

I couldn't help but to widen my smile as I put my purse down by the door and held my arms open.

Good or bad...there was something about her touch that made feel like I could fly.

The moment that she stepped into my arms, I wrapped them around her and held her tightly against me.

Or as tight as possible.

She leaned her head on my chest and scratched at my back softly.

_"I missed you."_ I whispered as I kissed her head.

She stepped back but held tightly to the sides of my shirt.

It was almost a desperate move.

Like she wanted to hold me in place.

There was a movement against my stomach and we both looked down at a little foot pressing against me from her stomach.

It was super small and if I had blinked I would have missed it but there it was.

The reason I had asked to come...

And just like that...our moment was broken and I was reminded that this reunion wasn't about us.

Ana let out a small sigh and then moved her hands from my sides and grabbed my sweaty hands.

I swallowed hard as our eyes met and hoped for more.

She brought my hands to her stomach and pressed them down.

I felt two hard kicks and the tears came rushing down my cheeks again.

Ana smiled really hard as she pushed my hands down again.

Two more kicks.

_"That's so cool."_ I whispered as I leaned down and took a deep breath before kissing her belly. _"Hello princesses...it's your Mama...I can't wait to see you!"_ I sang to her stomach.

A whole bunch of kicks came after that.

I laughed but Ana looked at me with wide eyes.

_"I gotta pee...crap...come with me?"_

In that moment all of my prior sadness washed away.

I didn't have to try to be calm because Ana was a master of it.

When she was pregnant she had this extra bit of patience.

She was looking at me just like she always had and I knew then that Quinn had made me more nervous than I needed to be.

My heart, my body and my mind knew Ana better than anyone.

And so even though I was probably being weird Ana had broken through it.

She made me feel normal again.

I felt shocked at her easiness but she didn't give me a chance to think anymore because in the next moment, she grabbed my hand and pulled me with her as she waddled down a hallway.

This was not what I had expected.

But that's not a bad thing.

Not at all.

* * *

I helped Ana to get situated on the toilet and was turning to leave before she grabbed my shirt and pulled me towards her again.

She looked nervous as she rubbed her palms together.

No matter how sober she was or how long it had been...that action would always make me feel nervous.

It always sent a chill through me.

I looked at her hands and then met her eyes.

She smiled at me sweetly.

_"Do you need something else, Ana?"_

_"We need to talk...it's really important." _

_"Right now?"_

_"Yea...it's more private in here."_

Private?

From Quinn?

_"Okay...about what?"_

Her face was extremely serious as she looked at me.

I leaned against the sink and crossed my hands in front of me, waiting for her to say something.

_"It's about Isaac."_

My heart was suddenly racing.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I took him to a specialist and they are saying that he suffers from acute anxiety disorder and a form of PTSD...like me." _

I bit into my lip because I had a feeling that I knew what was coming.

That this was my fault.

I had abandoned him.

_"He's not even five...how is that even possible?"_

_"Well we always knew that with me taking the drugs that something might be up with him. He's changed a bit since you have seen him last. He has these bad night terrors and panic attacks. He calls out for you a lot and I don't know if that's because you haven't really been around...I don't know if I go on tour if he will switch up and need me...but I just want you to be aware of his tantrums and his nerves. Try not to scream in front him or snap at him. Just be extra patient with him. Nobody knows about the pills but me, Felix and now you and I'd like to keep it just between us and him. I don't want him to feel different and so if you could maybe take your meds with him every night...just so he gets used to it and sees that it's not a big deal?"_

_"Uh...yea. I can do that."_

She looked relieved when I told her that I would be okay with that.

It was actually a really good idea.

Taking pills as a kid made me feel so different but if he sees me and does it with me...it won't seem so bad.

I wish that I had that.

I would do whatever he needed me to do.

_"Great! He doesn't know that you are here since when you got here he was napping. So it will be quite the surprise when he wakes up and you're here. I know that you are probably expecting things to go back to me and you but really...it can't and we can talk about that more later. Is that okay? Do you understand?"_

* * *

I stood there and played with my hands.

From anyone else it would make me feel stupid but from Ana it was never like that.

She genuinely was trying to make sure that I wasn't thinking this was more than her just waiting for the right moment.

So I swallowed my sadness from her last statement and my anger that Isaac had to go through taking medicine so young.

Like me.

It hurt so much.

But I put a smile on my face.

Anything to keep from crying.

Even though, I knew for a fact that Isaac had been fine.

In New York...he had been fine.

This had to be because of me leaving him so much.

I felt terrible about everything.

_"Yea...got it." _I whispered.

_"Look...this isn't your fault, B. It's mine. His asthma, his anxiety which they say explains his bedwetting phase and now he's in glasses. I mean...he would have been just fine if I hadn't done the drugs. I was the idiot not you. Don't get upset at yourself. Blame me." _

I looked over at her and could see the tears in her eyes.

She didn't do anything to hide them.

She just let them fall.

A big part of me had always wanted to be so mad at her about the drugs but I knew better.

She had been addicted cocaine.

For most of her pregnancy with Isaac, she had been clean, she just messed up at the end.

Besides, blaming her now wouldn't do us much good.

_"When did they put him on medicine?"_

_"Um...back in L.A...just before we left they talked about it. I didn't want to do it because I knew how that really affected you as a kid but I was scared. Seeing him on his knees crying and shaking broke my heart. So just last week...I um...started him on them."_

Since L.A...this had been going on?

And she had to deal with it alone?

That's why it hurt her so bad.

And I hadn't seen it.

How selfish had I been?

I had seriously messed up.

_"Does the medicine help at all?"_

_"Uh...well...it helps to calm him down so he doesn't get so worked up but it doesn't stop the anxiety." _

_"Is this going to affect him in school?"_

I remembered how much being on medicine had changed my grades.

I went from being one of the smartest kids in my class to just average.

Then when I started to take more than one pill in high school, my grades dropped but they just kept passing me...mostly because Ana helped me so much and everyone was scared of Sue.

I had been surprised when I managed to graduate on time...I shouldn't have graduated at all.

Hopefully...things could be different for our son.

* * *

_"It shouldn't get in his way, like I told you he has been reading on his own. He reads to Daniela and the babies every night. He finished his first chapter book. He's really smart...the meds help him focus better."_

_"Does he...does he understand why he needs to take them?"_

_"I explained it to him and so did Felix but I'm sure that he will understand better when it comes from his Mama." _

Felix.

He may not have been sleeping with Ana but he had been a second parent to my kids.

And I couldn't blame anyone but myself.

I was jealous.

Then I remembered him saying that he wouldn't be staying with here anymore as long as I'm still here...and I felt relieved.

Now I knew that I wasn't leaving.

He didn't need to take care of my family anymore.

They were my responsibility, not his.

_"That's...great I'm glad that you had someone to help you talk to him and I will do anything that I can to make things easier for Izzy." _

_"It isn't great though...is it? Just tell me that you are pissed about me being here with Felix...aren't you?"_

_"A little bit but I get it. Quinn told me that you two are just friends and I know that she wouldn't lie about that."_

Ana smiled and nodded.

_"Yea...he's been great but it's nothing more than friends and that's how it will stay."_

I smiled and helped her to her feet.

I couldn't hide how relieved I was to know that she wasn't going to run off with this guy.

It meant that I still had a chance.

That maybe we could still work things out.

_"That's good to know." _

_"Yeah...I bet it is."_

_"Just so you know...I haven't been with any one else, man or woman...even in L.A. Sam was nothing."_

She smiled really big as she looked down at her hands as she washed them.

Even though she should have known that I wasn't messing around with Sam...I hadn't really been emotionally faithful.

And it's still cheating...even if no sex is involved...at least that's what Frankie keeps telling me.

And I was starting to believe it.

I had abandoned Ana and the kids, over and over again.

So I knew that her trust in me wasn't the best...

But I planned to change that...one moment at a time.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It took everything in me not to jump on top of her and beg her to fuck me...

Long and hard.

Seriously, pregnancy makes me insanely horny.

But I can't.

Right now, the kids need her more.

Isaac especially.

I had been debating on whether or not it was a good idea to share the truth with her.

Quinn didn't even know.

I didn't want to make a big deal about his medicine because it was two small pills...and if I didn't make a big deal out of it...he wouldn't get a complex like Britt had.

Right now for me, my kids being happy and healthy was the most important thing...even if I did have other needs.

Needs that my wayward wife is very capable of satisfying.

Down girl.

I let Britt lead me back into my bedroom and wasn't shocked to see Quinn sitting there on the bed.

_"Hey Q...where's Daniela?" _

_"Ahh...your aunt came to get her. Something about a puppy. She was going to take Izzy too but he looked so peaceful sleeping. I didn't have the heart to wake him." _

I rolled my eyes, Titi was really trying to give them this damned puppy.

Bad enough I wanted it too...we just couldn't do this right now.

There was just too much up in the air.

I had enough to do already.

These kids were going to wear me down and if they got Britt to agree then I was going to end up with another being to take care of.

Just my luck.

* * *

_"Can I wake him up?"_

I looked over at Britt and hesitated.

My son has a tendency to flip out when he's awakened during a nap.

Of course...that's usually because every time that he wakes up there is only one person that he wants to see.

So allowing Britt to wake him up might do him some good.

_"Yea...that's not a problem."_

She smiled and wrapped my hand up in hers.

This time she was pulling me out of the room.

I had figured that she might want to do this alone but apparently not.

I watched in silence as she climbed into the bed with him and brushed his curls out of his face.

A haircut is something that he has gone months without.

He asked to grow it out and I didn't argue.

His curls had always been one of my favorite things anyway.

The moment that Britt touched him, Isaac started to whine.

_"No!"_ He cried with his eyes closed. _"No Mami...not yet!" _

_"Isaac...wake up Papa."_ I whispered as I hovered over him, running a hand over his back.

_"No!"_

I looked at Britt and she pressed a finger to her lips.

She wanted to do things her way.

She rubbed his back and kissed his face softly as I took a step back.

_"Wake up buddy."_

* * *

It was like magic.

Isaac's eyes popped open and he sat up without fuss.

When he saw Britt he reached out and touched her.

_"Mama?"_ He looked so confused. _"You're here?"_ He asked.

_"Yep...came all this way to see you guys and here you are sleeping!"_ She said with mock surprise.

_"I'm awake!" _He squealed before launching himself into her arms and clinging to her._ "I'm awake and I missed you."_

She hugged him and I got all misty eyed just watching.

_"I missed you too, buddy. I won't leave again for awhile...okay?"_

My heart soared.

She was going to stay...but my mind...wicked thing that it is was immediately skeptical.

_"Mama's here?"_ I poked my head into the hallway and there was my daughter running towards me.

_"Hey, Beba...she's in here."_

Daniela pushed past me and wasted no time climbing up into the bed and maneuvering herself between Isaac and Britt.

_"Hey there, Dani!"_ Britt said as she kissed her face and held her tight.

I chose that moment to leave them.

Britt needed to be their mom and after four months of doing that alone...I was kind of glad to have a break.

She had everything under control.

When I closed the door behind me there was Quinn leaning against the wall on the other side of the hall with her one eyebrow raised.

_"What?"_ I attempted to snap but it didn't come out as more than a whisper.

_"You okay?"_

I shrugged and walked past her.

I was suddenly anxious to be inside the house, I was waddling as fast as I could to the back door, I needed to be outside...almost like the air inside was just too thick to breathe.

* * *

The porch swing cradled me softly as I climbed into it and rested my head back.

Quinn was right beside me before I had a chance to fully get comfortable and from the look of her, she wanted an answer...so she asked again.

_"Are you okay, San?"_

_"I don't know, Q. Would you be okay, Lucy?"_

That shut her up.

She didn't say anything else as she pulled my feet into her lap and began to dig her fingers into them.

It was like heaven.

_"You moan way too loud."_ She muttered as she hit a particular sore spot near my heel.

_"You have no idea...don't stop...please?"_

_"I'm so glad that my wife wasn't here to hear you say that." _

_"I'm not afraid of Ceily besides...you are the last person that I want to have sex with right now...trust me!"_

She raised an eyebrow at me and I smiled.

_"Gee...thanks?"_

_"You've been pregnant...you know these hormones...don't even play with me."_

_"Is it going to be safe to sleep in the same bed with you?"_

_"Wanky." _I said as I threw my head back and groaned as her fingers worked their magic.

_"That wasn't an answer."_

I smirked at her and winked.

_"Why would I ruin the surprise?"_

Her face got pale.

And I kept my face serious until I didn't.

I burst out laughing, so hard that I nearly pissed myself as tears poured from my eyes.

_"San...that's not funny!"_

_"It so was! Once a prude...always a prude." _

She stuck her tongue out at me and then pressed right in the center of my foot and my laughter quickly turned into another groan.

_"Keep talking and I'll stop."_

_"Please...don't stop!" _

* * *

Our time on the swing lasted about five minutes before my babies were kicking me.

My stomach grumbled a little too much so despite her insisting that she would cook for me, I pushed past Quinn and began to pull food out for dinner.

Her cooking process took way too long and if I didn't eat now, I would die.

_"You shouldn't be standing too much, San."_

_"Shut it...you're not a doctor yet."_

_"San...you know it's true."_

_"I know, I know...but nobody makes pancakes like I do." _I whined.

_"I can try." _

_"No."_

_"I'm going to get Britt."_ She began to leave the kitchen but I stepped in front of her.

_"No, you won't. Don't start that shit, Lucy. I really need to be self sufficient. I have always leaned on Brittany way too much and the last time that I did that, she left me high and dry. I won't get hurt so much if I don't put myself in the position to be hurt. You told me that...remember?"_

_"I was referring to me and Rachel...not you and Britt."_

_"Same difference." _I said as I began pouring flour into a bowl._ "Now...p__lease try to relax, I have been doing things all on my own this whole time with no problem, let me do this...and I promise you that if it gets too much..." _I felt a sharp pain in my back and played it off by leaning against the counter and looking at her with a small smile._ "Actually, Q...you know what...scratch that. How about I just make the batter and you can cook them?"_

She smiled when I relented and nodded.

I had to take help when it was offered...and she wouldn't be here for very long.

This overbearing shit wouldn't last forever.

_"Sounds like a plan." _She said happily.

_"Good. Now hand me two eggs and then sit the hell down until I'm done." _She cocked her eyebrow as she handed me the two eggs and I let out a huge sigh as I rolled my eyes._ "Please, sit the hell down?"_

* * *

Later that night after the kids were bathed and in bed, the three of us sat out on the back porch.

Me and Quinn on the swing and Britt sitting on the railing.

She was staring at the palm trees in the yard and humming to herself.

Everything about seemed calmer.

Her hair was blowing gently in the wind as she smiled sadly to herself.

Quinn had told me that she had talked to Britt about the sleeping arrangements and I could tell that from the moment she walked in the house, she was upset.

I tried to play it off.

Give her a happier part of me but I could tell that it hadn't changed everything completely.

Britt was still in her head.

I could just tell that there was a lot of shit on her mind but something was stopping her from talking...which is what I had been afraid of when I had asked her to come.

I shot Q a look and she nodded.

_"I'm gonna-" _Quinn had begun to say before Britt abruptly turned and shook her head.

Subtle Fabray...really subtle.

I shook my head and held back my comment.

_"No...you stay...anything we say after you go will just end up being repeated to you, anyway."_

I resented that comment because I never told Quinn about the medicine.

See...I don't tell her everything!

_"Are you sure?" _

_"Yea...it's fine...right Ana?"_

I shrugged as I stirred my juice with my straw and avoided all eye contact...if Britt wanted Quinn here...I wasn't going to argue.

Britt was insanely tense and over the last four months...I had forgotten how that felt and if Quinn being here helped that...so be it.

My stress levels had been nonexistent and so this was an overwhelming situation.

Finally I looked up after Quinn shifted on the seat next to me.

She was uncomfortable.

This was the last place that she wanted to be and I didn't blame her.

So I did the right thing.

_"Q?"_

Her eyes were searching mine.

_"Yea?"_

_"Go...please?"_

_"You got it...you two play nice." _

She didn't even hesitate as she got up.

But then she looked at me for a long moment.

_"Go."_ I said again.

She didn't give me another chance to repeat myself.

This time she headed straight for the door.

As Quinn walked inside of the house, I wasted no time patting the seat next to me and looking up into the saddest blue eyes.

_"Come sit with me, B." _

_"I'm fine right here." _

Even though the statement sounded cold, I could see in her eyes that she didn't mean it that way.

_"Please, Britt. We need to talk about everything...including us. Please?"_

* * *

**A's POV**

* * *

The look in Santana's eyes mirrored Brittany's as they just sat there staring at each other.

How many times had they been at this juncture?

How many times would they be there again in the future?

Could Brittany change her need to run away?

Could Santana trust that she wouldn't be left by the one person that she relied on to stick around?

They both wanted this...

They both loved the other so organically that it came easier than breathing...but was that enough?

Would anything ever be enough?

Brittany moved first as she took her hands and pushed them against Santana's big stomach and smiled.

_"With everything that went on back then...why would you still do this for me?"_

Santana covered Brittany's hands with her own and looked straight into her eyes.

_"Because this is how it was meant to be. Isaac and Daniela are blessings from God but they weren't created from our love. You want these babies and so do I...it has always been the plan for us to have a kid together. Even with you going AWOL on me, I knew that you wanted them just as much as I did. I knew that you were off of your meds and honestly, I much rather that you went off with Trouty than to choke me again or cheat, that's why I let you go. I love you Brittany and I know that you love me, Right?"_

_"I do." _

_"Then why do we keep ending up here, B?"_

Brittany didn't have an answer.

And Santana didn't expect one.

There was no explanation for the way that they constantly were at an impasse.

_"I don't want to...not anymore...being with you is the only thing that makes sense, the only thing that has ever made sense other than dancing. But even though dancing on stage right next to Beyoncé was a dream come true, it felt empty, you are my home and I know that there is no one that I want to dance with over you. I don't want to run away from you anymore...I want to run with you. I want to be with you."_

The last six words struck a nerve in Santana...memories of her confession of love to Brittany in the school hallway surfaced.

Back then, she didn't care how she got Brittany just as long as they ended up together.

It was the reason that she had allowed things and let so much go.

But she had changed since she left New York...there were too many conversations missed...too many times that she argued with herself over this very topic.

_"I can't do things like this ever again. I can't...let you have so much power over me anymore, B. I love you but I love me more. Finally." _

Brittany nodded and went to pull her hands back but Santana held them against her stomach and didn't let go.

She couldn't let Brittany run away.

Not this time.

Not even into her own head.

_"What do you want from me?" _Brittany cried out.

_"I want you. That's it. I don't care how...just you. I don't know if we will ever get back to those two crazy in love teenagers and I realize that it's okay if we don't. Our relationship was just unhealthy...it always has been. Now though..." _She pressed Brittany's hands hard enough and waited as her babies made their presence in this conversation known. They kicked a few times before they finally calmed down. Santana sighed and smirked._ "We have too much to lose now, B. We are parents...they need us. We can't let them down. This needs to be about them. You need to make everything from here on out about them. I need time to heal from the hurt of L.A...the hurt from everything. My life has been so crazy and harsh since I was too young to fully understand it. I need you here Britt...but more than a wife...I need my best friend. We aren't over...it's not a break-up...or a divorce. I just...ugh...please tell me that you understand what I'm trying to say here?"_

_"I get it. I need you and I need our kids. I need to be an adult...can you just promise me that when you are ready to be more than just...parents or best friends...that you will tell me?"_

She wasn't sure whether it was the relief of Brittany agreeing with her or the sadness of them coming to a close on a crazy part of their lives but Santana fell forward and collapsed into Brittany's arms weeping like a newborn baby.

It was going to be hard moving into this new chapter but it would be worth it.

Because this was the last option.

The last ditch effort at being a forever kind of love.

* * *

**May 11, 2017**

* * *

She felt heavy.

Santana Lopez had always been insanely tiny in size.

But right then as she knelt on the floor of her tub, she felt like she was going to fall over from the sheer weight of being eight months pregnant.

When Quinn had been down for Spring Break she had felt much more secure because she had someone holding her at night.

And while Brittany was literally across the hall and had offered every night to hold her...she had turned her down and so now...full of pride, she couldn't get up the nerve to call out to her.

Besides, yelling scared Isaac and she didn't want to scare him...even if she herself felt scared beyond words.

She was in labor, her water had broken and she was going to have the babies...soon.

Timing...

If all the clocks in the world stopped...you could reset them by how well Brittany's timing worked.

It was the middle of the night but something had gotten her to wake up and more than that, had given her the urge to check on her wife.

When she didn't find her in bed, she turned to the bathroom and was almost not surprised to find her kneeling in the tub, weeping.

_"Are you in labor?"_ She whispered as she brushed Santana's hair back from her face and began to twist it up into a ponytail.

_"Yes...it fucking hurts!"_

Santana had never made it to natural labor.

With Isaac she had been whisked to her cesarean before she could comprehend anything and with Daniela she hadn't really had a choice.

This time though...she was in a legitimate labor and she was terrified.

Brittany though, was prepared for this.

This wasn't her first rodeo.

_"I'm going to wake up Felix. Don't try to move."_

_"Okay."_ Santana cried, thankful that Brittany had broken down and asked Felix to stick around just in case this very thing had happened.

For every ounce of extra pride Santana had...Brittany had humility.

It was a great balance...especially at times like these.

* * *

By the time that the ambulance had arrived and she had been rushed to the nearest hospital, Santana was feeling the urge to push.

She was weeping as she clutched Brittany's hand.

_"Don't leave me...pleeeeeeasssseeee...don't leave me. B!"_

Brittany felt so much purpose as she stood there holding her wife's hand.

_"I'm here...you are doing amazing. I'm so proud of you...they want you to push now. Come on...you ready?"_

_"No."_ Santana shook her head as the tears poured from her. _"I'm scared...cut them out...please...I can't push!"_ She screamed at the doctor.

_"Mrs. Lopez...the first baby is already crowning...you need to push or you could endanger the second baby."_

That was all that Santana needed to hear to get her to push.

She would not let her selfishness have a lasting effect on another one of her kids.

Brittany smiled when she saw the look of determination that crossed her wife's face.

It made her fall even deeper in love than ever.

Santana clutched Brittany's hand, trying to remind herself just how supported she was and pushed as hard as she could.

It took six pushes and twenty-two minutes for the babies to both be delivered.

Santana had passed out shortly after but was almost immediately awakened once she heard crying.

Brittany held both little girls in her arms as she stood over her wife.

_"Are they okay?" _

_"Perfect."_ Brittany whispered as she waited for Santana to sit up.

* * *

A full day had passed and the babies were showing no signs of distress.

In fact, the doctors were saying how amazing they were and that they were at the peak of good health.

For someone with Santana's spotty history, that was like winning the nobel prize.

She was beaming as she brushed a finger across a small tanned face.

The babies were spitting images of Brittany's baby pictures with the exception of the dark brown curls that sat on their heads.

_"Hey."_

Santana looked up to see Brittany walking in the room with Isaac and Daniela.

_"Hey guys! Come meet your sisters." _

Isaac looked nervous as he held tight to Brittany's hand.

Daniela though, climbed up onto the bed with her Mami and peaked into her arms.

_"Where is da other baby?"_ She whispered.

Santana smiled and nodded over to the other side of the bed.

_"That's Briana and she's sleeping. Can you say her name?"_

_"B'ana." _She mumbled immediately distracted again._ "Can I hold this one, Mami?"_

_"This one is Brooklyn...and not yet...but soon." _

_"Bookin." _She repeated.

Santana smiled down at Daniela and then over at Brittany, who smiled back.

_"Briana and Brooklyn?"_ Isaac whispered as he leaned over the crib on the other side of the room and lightly kissed the sleeping baby.

_"Yes...but you can call them Bri and Brook if that's easier."_ Brittany said as she stood beside Isaac.

_"No...I like their whole names. Just like Mami does."_

Brittany rolled her eyes and shot Santana a fake glare.

Isaac had become such a Mami's boy while Daniela was absolutely a replica of Brittany.

Both of them wondered if the new babies would favor one over the other or would they be a perfect blend.

Either way...they both felt a sense of peace.

As if they were finally headed in the right direction.

Hospitals had brought them a lot of sadness and heartache but for one of the first times, it was just about peace and happiness.

They had another shot at this family thing.

And as far as Brittany was concerned, nothing and nobody was going to stand in her way...not even herself.

This felt different.

All of it.

They both saw it.

And it felt good.

It felt like a start.

* * *

_**[Part 2]**_

**What You Won't Do For Love (Bobby Caldwell)**

* * *

**February 2020**

* * *

**_This felt different._**

**_All of it._**

**_They both saw it._**

**_And it felt good._**

**_It felt like a start._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Do you remember when you told me that if I ever felt the urge to use again...that I should call you?"_

I sat in the back of a club and held my head in my hands as I whispered into the phone.

When I had initially sat down, I had been completely surrounded but little by little, people made their excuses and left me there.

And so now I was seeking out another person to help me save me from myself.

Does that even make any sense?

_"Yes, I do...is that why you called me?"_

_"Yea...I want to use...I guess?" _I slurred out.

_"Are you sober now? Did you use yet?"_

_"I'm sober...I didn't use."_

_"You sure?"_

_"Yea...and honestly...ugh...this is so stupid. Why am I even here? I'm a mother for Christ's sake! I'm 26...I've been sober for almost five years."_

_"Are the drugs in front of you?"_

_"Yep...all lined up and looking at me."_

_"So this call isn't so stupid...is it?"_

_"No...but I won't use. I know that...y-you know that." _

_"And yet, you're sitting in front of cocaine...tell me how many lines there are."_

I looked at the table in front of me and counted quietly.

Although looking back on it, I probably wasn't so quiet as I ticked off the amount on my fingers and then held them blurring in front of me.

_"Ummmmm...Seven? Yep...seven."_

_"And who put them there?"_

_"I don't remember...maybe me...maybe not?"_

_"Santana? Have you been drinking?"_

Was it that obvious?

_"I had a glass of wine."_

_"Just one? Doesn't sound like just one."_

_"Okay two. I had two, reds but I promise that's all that I had. You know my motto...two is okay but never three."_

_"Yea...that's Rachel's drunken mantra not your motto."_

_"Whatevs...listen...it's a good motto. Hasn't fa-failed me yet." _

And there were the hiccups...proving the opposite of my point.

Now there was a sigh in my ear.

_"I need you to do something for me...it's super important, so pay attention."_

_"Uh...okay...what is it?"_

_"Get up, grab your purse and then __I want you to say your goodbyes and walk outside."_

_"No...people will talk." _

_"They will always find reason, especially if you don't move from where you are sitting...surrounded by cocaine. Aren't you like Ms. Anti-drug? What would your label say or your fans. Get up and leave. Meet me outside."_

_"No can do...I can't just leave...I am supposed to be showing my face...I'm a superstar...remember?"_

There was laughter on the other side of the phone.

Laughter that made me feel stupid.

Did I say something funny?

I couldn't remember.

_"How can you show your face from the back corner of the club?"_

_"Wait? What?"_

I looked around suddenly feeling like I was being watched.

_"Right above you."_

I looked over me and could see her leaning over the banister of the V.I.P section.

My wife.

Had she been there this whole time?

How had I not heard the same music playing on the phone?

Was I that drunk?

_"How...when?"_

_"The whole time...now...meet me outside...I'll take you back to the hotel."_

I nodded and grabbed my purse with a shaky hand.

She was right.

People couldn't see me like this.

And if they happened to see...they needed to see me walking away from it.

My PR guys could spin this if it was leaked.

I had fought an overwhelming temptation and walked away.

The endorsements would come pouring in.

I couldn't allow myself to be in this position again.

It was way too close for comfort.

Thankfully, I had taken the power into my own hands and called out for help.

Even if I was close to messing it all up...I had stopped myself, that was a big deal.

* * *

_"Are you sure that you want to do this?"_

It had been a long time but I needed this.

I looked up into her blue eyes and nodded.

After this cocaine scare, I wasn't trusting my own judgement.

_"Please...I don't need the paddle...it's not that bad...but I need you to just...give me direction."_

She nodded and then looked back at the road.

I sighed in relief.

Atoning for my sins was very much imbedded in me as a young Catholic girl and this just added to it.

She helped me.

And I knew that.

_"I just have one condition"_ She said after a few minutes and I sucked in air, in anticipation.

This could be big or small and I would do it.

I was willing to do anything.

_"Fine...what's your condition?" _

_"I have done everything that you have asked of me in these last three years...even down to disciplining you when you asked me to...and sex those few times that you needed it...right?"_

I shrugged and stared blankly ahead.

I knew what she wanted.

Every time that I asked for her to take control and discipline me, we went through this.

And every time I told her that I wasn't sure that being together was the right choice but then we would end up here again.

_"Britt...I-"_ Of course, even drunk this had become habit, I began to give her the same old speech but unlike before she cut me off.

_"No...you need to listen to me, Santana. When the babies were born and you asked that we make our relationship just about the kids, I agreed. When you asked me to sleep in a different room...I agreed. Its been three years, I can't do it anymore. I miss you."_

She looked super sad and I closed my eyes and rested my head back.

I wasn't sober enough for this.

In fact...aside from not being sober...I was exhausted.

_"Can I sleep on it?"_ I whispered suddenly feeling the weight of my two huge goblets of wine and my international flight that had gotten into the country at six this morning.

Exhaustion didn't begin to cover what I felt.

_"Meet me at the TriBeCa apartment at 10 sharp."_

I nodded and sighed out heavily...I truly tried my best to avoid that place but never sold it...I had kept it just for her.

It meant a lot to her, there were a million memories there and so when we came to New York she and the kids stayed there while I just preferred to stay at a hotel.

I hadn't actually set foot inside of it since we first moved to L.A. way back when Isaac and Daniela were still babies.

Britt though was insanely serious and since I was tired...I didn't have the energy to argue.

_"Okay."_

* * *

As tired as I had been...sleep never found me.

I made a huge mug of coffee and planted myself in bed.

But my stomach was rolling and my heart was racing.

I didn't sleep all night long.

Instead of closing my eyes for more than a second or two, I sat on my laptop and started mixing music samples together.

Being a solo artist had been great but I had really found a love for producing.

Making the music and sometimes singing in my samples seemed to be enough.

There wasn't an artist out that didn't use me on their album.

Music had truly become my life and I didn't regret a second of it.

It consumed me, so much in fact that it put me in high demand.

There were countless platinum albums out there that showed my dedication and so now I had a reputation.

People knew that Santana G. Lopez, suffered for her craft...it was one of the things that was said about me at the Grammys the night before.

I had won four of them and should be over the moon about it.

And I was, except for when I did stupid shit, like going to parties that I NEVER attend.

Britt had been my date and had left me at the party to go check on the kids and now was probably wondering why she let me be there alone.

Normally after spending a few weeks in another country, I would have the kids in the hotel ordering room service and going places with them while I still could.

But the night before, I had told her to take me to that party.

And so she didn't fight me.

* * *

So here I was...mixing and mastering.

I got so wrapped up in it in fact that when the sun started to shine in my eyes, I actually hissed and slipped my sunglasses on.

My phone chimed with the sound of laughter and I nearly fell out of the bed while lunging for it.

_"Hello?"_

_"Mami? Where are you?"_

_"What do you mean, Beba? I said that I would be there at ten."_

I heard her huff and then a thud.

_"Beba? Daniela?"_

_"She's crying."_ Isaac's voice sounded tired.

_"I'm on my way, Papa."_

_"Good. Can you hurry up...Mama had us pack up and even though we were invited to spend the day with Titi Sun...we can't go until you get here."_

_"I'm on my way."_

_"Okay, hurry."_

* * *

The line went out and I looked at the clock on the front of my phone.

**11:45.**

_"Shit!"_

Britt was going to be so pissed off.

Why hadn't I set an alarm?

How had time gotten away from me?

Now I deserved the paddle.

_"Shit!"_

I climbed from the bed and stumbled into the bathroom.

Annoyed, I downed an energy drink before pulling out my toothbrush.

I sat on the toilet peeing with my toothbrush shoved in my mouth as I texted with one hand and brushed with the other.

**_Get up! Hail me a cab...hold it for me and pay him extra in advance.-S_**

**_Yes, Ms. Lopez.-Jay_**

**_Why didn't you wake me?-S_**

**_You didn't say to wake you.-Jay_**

**_Fuck! Just get my cab!-S_**

**_And get me a coffee!-S_**

**_The usual?-Jay_**

**_What do I pay you for? Yes the usual and get something for the kids.-S_**

**_Ok.-Jay_**

**_Extra $200 if you manage to get Britt's fave.-S_**

* * *

When I finally got to the apartment, Britt was waiting for me in the lobby, arms over her chest, tapping her foot.

It was almost one now.

Traffic had been a bitch...she can't blame me for that.

_"What's up? Why are you down here?"_ I asked as I brushed my hair out of my face and pushed my sunglasses onto the top of my head.

Britt looked extremely annoyed with me but she was just going to have to forgive me for this...it was a crazy situation.

I had just gotten back from Australia...I was jet lagged and a bit hung over...I was trying.

But I knew better.

_"How is it that_ _you're late but look like you haven't even slept?"_

I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest.

_"Because I haven't slept, B."_

_"What were you doing all night then?"_

I shrugged and rubbed at my dry eyes before pushing my sunglasses back over my eyes.

It was just way too bright in this lobby.

_"Music. Isn't that always the answer?"_

_"Okay...but you haven't answered me...if you never slept...how are you late?"_

_"Look, I'm sorry...I brought you coffee. Forgive me sugartits." _

I raised my glasses, winked at her before dropping them back down and stepping closer.

Britt stepped back and rolled her eyes, still trying to look annoyed but the smirk on her face was giving her away.

_"The kids have school tomorrow...we still have a three hour flight back home...and I asked you to be here over two hours ago."_

_"I said that I'm sorry, what do you want from me? I'll do anything."_ I said trying to convey how much I meant it.

_"You already know what I want."_

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes.

* * *

_"Seriously...we have to talk about this right this second?"_

_"There is never a good time with you."_

Was she serious with this shit?

I mean, I was here...wasn't I?

_"What do you want me to say?"_

She just would not let up on this issue.

Why couldn't casual sex and a little rough play be enough?

_"Look...can you please just give me an answer."_

_"Okay."_

I shrugged and rolled my eyes again, thankful that she couldn't see behind my sunglasses.

_"Okay what, Santana?"_

She pulled my glasses from my face and looked into my bloodshot eyes.

Ten years earlier they would have been that way for less pure reasons and if I hadn't called her last night...I don't even want to think about it.

I was so glad to be passed that point.

And I was glad that Britt knew that I was passed that point.

She trusted me.

And was loyal and dedicated.

Everything was about our kids for her.

She had even been choreographing from afar.

If I was honest...she was everything that I had needed her to be an insanely long time ago.

I had evaded her for three years but now she had finally had enough of it.

She deserved for me to be more serious in this relationship.

I had no complaints about how she had been with me and the kids.

And she was finally stable in her life so I knew that she wasn't trying to run off.

Britt had done everything that I had asked her and I would be a complete idiot if I pushed her away now.

* * *

_"We can try again...I shouldn't have kept you waiting this long but I had my reasons."_

_"Yes and I have done everything you asked so that those reasons would disappear."_

_"And that's why I'm saying yes!"_

I threw my hands up and rubbed at my eyes again.

More than anything I just wanted to go upstairs and make another cup of coffee.

One had obviously not been enough.

_"Okay...and I'm in control again?"_ She said in a hushed voice as she stepped even closer to me.

I wanted her so badly...my body couldn't help but react to her but the idea of her being in total control...like the last time we were in New York just wasn't an option.

_"Not like before...no. I like things the way that they are right now...we are officially together again...that has to be enough."_

She rolled her eyes and then began to walk away.

I followed her and grabbed her arm so that she would slow down.

Four inch heels weren't made to chase people in.

I was grateful when she spun back around and stared into my eyes.

She looked at me and then brushed her fingers over my cheeks and through my hair.

Our lips hovered inches from each other.

I felt my body get hot...it had been three mostly celibate years for me.

I could count the amount of sex I had on one hand.

Pitiful...I know.

What was worse though was that it was all my doing.

Britt had been waiting on me.

Any sex that we had was on my terms and so if I was starving to be loved...it was my own damn fault.

Of course that didn't stop her from tempting me.

She knew the power that she had over me, in control or not, Britt had my heart and my body.

That had never changed, not even for a second.

* * *

_"I need you to let me back into your head and into your heart, Ana."_

_"Okay."_ I whispered as I resisted the urge to rut against her like a cat in heat.

She stroked my neck with her thumbs and rested her forehead against mine.

We were looking straight into each others eyes now.

And I could see how serious she was.

I had to stop trying to resist her.

We were married.

And it was time to act like it.

_"I'm serious...if we are going to do this then we do it all the way."_

I nodded again.

She must have forgotten what her touch does to me because when she kissed my face, I let out a moan.

She smiled as she stood back a bit so that our faces were back to being separated.

She ran her fingers over the back of my neck and I wanted to curse my body for betraying me because the second moan I let out wasn't even necessary.

_"I get it, B. This is it...we do this all the way or not at all."_

_"You're right...this IS it Ana. We are almost thirty, the kids are getting older and we are both settled in our careers. These last three years has been hell for me. You are way too hot to not touch when ever I want to."_

_"Ugh...I agree." _

I was clinging to her shirt with my fists at this point and was praying that the doorman kept any paparazzi from coming into the lobby.

_"So you agree that we can stop playing games and start really being a married couple? Sex and all?"_

_"God, yes!"_

I leaned in those last couple of inches and connected our lips for the first time in three years.

We had sex those few times but hadn't kissed, not even once.

The moment that her lips pressed back against mine, I relaxed my body against hers and let her hold me tight.

I growled as she nipped my bottom lip and she chuckled.

God how I had missed this!

* * *

The elevator dinged and I heard a low whistle.

_"Get it, B!"_

I pulled back and looked up into Britt's eyes and smiled.

Of course she had called Ari...it hadn't even hit me to think who was with the kids.

_"I'm trying." _She said just before kissing me again before she turned towards Ari who was standing there, arms crossed smiling really hard.

_"Ari...I'll give you a zillion dollars if you take the girls out for the next hour!"_

Ari clapped her hands together and smiled even harder.

_"How about instead you go back to Anita's hotel...because you know that once those babies see Ana...there is no way you're going to get any...plus Sandra is on her way to get the older kids. So just go."_

She winked and I blushed hard.

She was right.

_"She's right...come on, B. Help me pack my things?"_

She smirked and gave a thumbs up to Ari that she didn't think I saw.

We were finally going to be serious.

And it finally, finally felt like it was permanent.

Sex and all.

Britt was finally the person that I needed her to be and I was finally the person that appreciated it.

Definite progress!

* * *

**_A/N: Second part coming tomorrow! :)_ Review! Tell me you're still here! **


	71. Chapter 71:One and Only

**A/N: Just to get you over the hump ;) Last part of story coming soon! Enjoy this in the meantime! **

* * *

**Chapter 71: One and Only (Adele)**

* * *

**February 2020**

* * *

_**[Part 2 +]**_

* * *

The moment that my feet touched the ground they were off of it again.

Britt lifted me up bridal style and marched me straight into my hotel.

Most people would shrink from embarrassment but I was Santana fucking Lopez and if anyone deserved to be carried like this...it was me!

_"I love you."_ I said as I just soaked in the feeling of being in her arms.

Everything was here and now.

It was right.

Shit had been hard but God...when it comes to Brittany...it's ALWAYS worth it.

_"I love you too, baby."_ She said in a sing song voice.

I buried my face against her neck and inhaled her before sucking on her pulse point.

She was biting her lip hard as we entered the elevator.

_"You okay, B?"_ I whispered against her skin.

The elevator dinged and she let out a long breath.

_"Mmm...Fuck."_ She muttered as she attempted to walk faster.

_"Don't drop me, B."_ I moaned against her ear and clutched her tighter when I felt her stumble a bit as we made our way down the long hallway.

_"Ugh. I'm trying not to."_ She said as she gripped my ass.

I pulled back from where I had been sucking just as we got to my door.

_"You okay, B?"_

_"The key."_

_"Huh?" _I feigned ignorance.

Her eyes sparked and she shot me a glare.

_"The key...Where is it?" _She said in a strangled voice.

She was barely holding it together and it just made me smile as I continued to tease her.

I was using my free hand to palm her boob and she was trying not to drop me...but I could feel her shaking.

_"Put me down."_ I whispered.

She bit her lip and shook her head.

_"No...just tell me where the key is!"_

_"Fine...it's in my bra."_

Her eyes got wide and I couldn't help but laugh.

She would have to basically undress me in the hallway.

I wanted to get this show on the road, the longer we were in this hall the more pictures someone could be taking.

So I did the noble thing and dug the key out, reached behind me and slipped it in the lock.

We were an inch over the threshold before Britt swung me over her shoulder, kicked the door closed and then ran us across the suite.

My body hit the bed and I immediately climbed onto my knees.

After being together for more than a decade you would think that our sex would be slow and practiced but it was just as clumsy as out first time.

Just the way that I liked it.

I ripped at her clothes and she tore through mine.

In between all of the ruined clothes we were dropping our lips wherever there was flesh.

This was a primal act.

So basic and so us.

Amazing and perfect.

* * *

Needless to say, by the time that we were both naked we needed a moment.

We stared into each others eyes as we knelt there on the bed heavily panting.

_"Ready for this?"_

Britt cocked an eyebrow and gave me a smile at which point, I promptly melted.

I was more than ready.

I was waiting for my exhaustion to kick back in but it wasn't there.

The adrenaline was pumping through me and my hormones were going haywire.

I tackled Britt with all the vigor of a sex starved sycophant and she began to caress me.

But that wasn't enough.

Not right now.

I straddled her waist and hovered over her with my mouth just inches from hers.

We had an eternity for sweetness but we were still young and I wanted it hard.

Hard and rough.

I wanted to feel it in two days when I was boarding a plane to Canada.

Shit...I wanted to feel her forever.

Starting now.

* * *

_"No foreplay, just fuck me hard, B!"_

_"Yea? How hard do you want me to fuck you?"_

Her lips were swollen and her eyes were clouded over as she spoke to me in a low husky voice.

I was becoming desperate.

My body was screaming at me.

_"I just need you deep...hard...just...fuck me, please?"_

I was whining now and I didn't care if it wasn't sexy anymore because I needed her badly.

My body burned.

I scratched at her skin and she groaned.

Britt flipped us over and without another seconds wait, she shoved her fingers into me.

_"Beeeeeeeeee!"_ I cried out as I gripped her shoulders.

The bed creaked as she pressed into me over and over again.

She had a feral look in her eyes and it was beyond a turn on.

How could I have turned this down for so long?

_"You like that? Hmmm?"_

_"Yes! Fuck yes! Fuck me Brittany! Harder! Harder!"_ I screamed out as I clung to her.

_"God you're sexy."_ She growled as she bit my neck.

_"Ungh ungh...baby...so good, B. So close."_

I was shaking as she pushed as fast as she could, it felt like she had slipped her hand completely inside of me.

It hurt so good.

_"You're dripping baby. Is that all for me?"_

She sounded so amazed as I ground against her.

_"All for you baby! I'm yours! Fuck, Britt, I'm all yours!"_ I screamed as I came.

After that everything went black, my exhaustion had finally taken over.

Never would I go without her love again!

* * *

I wasn't sure how long I had passed out for but when I woke up, Britt was on her back snoring.

My phone was buzzing from somewhere in the room and from the sound of the ring, I knew it was my manager.

I didn't have time for that.

I was too hungry to think straight.

Thank God for Britt needing to stretch out when she sleeps because crawling between her legs without waking her was almost too easy.

I couldn't remember the last time that I had tasted her and that was not acceptable.

I hooked my hand under her thigh and then slowly ran my tongue around her nub.

Once I had tasted her, I was hooked.

I moved my tongue down until I reached her entrance and then pushed my tongue inside.

_"Annnnnnnna...yes."_ She groaned as her hands came to rest in my hair. _"I love your lips."_

I smiled and sucked on her harder.

I kept spelling out words.

I love you.

You're amazing.

Only you.

MINE!

I held down her hips as best as I could but she had a stronger body.

Her gyrating hips made it stand out that I was a bit rusty.

But I knew that she was just taking what she could get, which was unacceptable.

So I pulled away and climbed up her body.

_"Why did you stop?" _She whined with tears in her eyes.

Britt was still grinding against the air trying to find friction when I kissed her face and then rolled onto my back.

_"Sit on my face."_ I muttered and she let out a growl.

_"Sweet!"_ She said as she climbed up excitedly and hovered above my lips.

I adjusted her and then without waiting another second I surged forward and sucked her clit hard.

She grabbed the headboard and started grinding down on me.

_"So good! Yes...th-there baby! Fuck...baby!"_ She whined.

I was completely immersed in the tastes and sounds of her.

This was all that existed and when she came, I was relentless as I held her in place and continued to suck and slurp her dry.

_"Ungh! Yesssssss! Mmm Santana!"_

* * *

I made her come almost continuously, until she was in tears, begging me to stop.

After we were both satisfied we just grinded against each other, making out like teenagers.

It was incredibly sweet and I savored every second of it.

We continued lying there until both of our phones were ringing.

Didn't the world understand the kind of heaven we were in?

But we knew that it was time to return to reality, we just wanted to go one more time.

We rubbed furiously against each other, so close to our orgasms, moaning loudly when the banging of my heart coincided with the stars in our eyes.

I held Britt tight to me as we came down from our highs.

We froze when there was a knock on the door and I realized the banging wasn't my heart.

_"Guys? It's Ari...uh you have literally been fucking for like four hours. You missed your plane. It's getting late. I performed a whole matinee! Are you still alive? Hello?"_

We burst out laughing as we laid there wrapped in each other.

_"I guess we should go..."_ Britt started to say as she looked into my eyes.

_"Can we start doing that as much as possible?"_ I whispered as I touched her cheek.

_"Oh baby I plan to fuck you as much as possible. We have to make up for three years of no sexy times."_

_"Challenge accepted."_

Definite...definite progress!

* * *

**_A/N: Working on the finishing touches for the last part of the story. Hoping this held you over! _**


	72. Sneak Peak

**A/N: My loves, you have not been abandoned. I wouldn't bring you this far to give up on you. This ending has been really hard for me because I'm not just summing up one story but eight. I want to be true to my depiction of these characters. Thank you for sticking around, I appreciate you more than you know! :) **

**So instead of just giving you this author's note**

**here's a sneak peak! ;)**

* * *

**Santana's POV (sometime in the future)**

* * *

_"You can't be serious...tell me that you're joking."_

_"No, I'm serious Santana, this is a big deal. You should feel honored."_

_"I am, Sal believe me nobody is more humble than I am when it comes to these kinds of things...but really? I'm not even old!"_

_"But your story...it could save lives. Nothing is new under the sun, that's what your father used to tell me."_

_"That's what he used to tell everyone!"_

_"My point exactly, so if these things happened to you, then they are bound to be happening to other little girls."_

_"Ugh, I don't even want to think of that as a possibility."_

_"Say that you want to do this."_

_"Can I think about it?"_

_"What's there to think about?"_

_"My children for one...think of how this can affect their lives. Think about how they will be perceived, Salvatore. That matters more than anything."_

_"You're right, I get it. You talk to the wife and kids, spill your soul to them...call the family while you're at it, just don't be quick to turn it down. Okay?"_

_"Okay. I'm meeting Britt for lunch, I'll call you by the end of the week."_

_"Give me your word."_

_"You have it, Sal. I promise that I will call you by Saturday."_

_"Good. Take care and kisses to the kids."_

_"Absolutely. Ciao!"_

_"Ciao."_

* * *

_**A/N: That was off the cuff...anyway...stick around...the chapter is coming! :)** **I swear! :)** _


	73. Chapter 73:I Need, Love

_**A/N: I was talking to a reader last night and she told me that maybe the reason this has been so hard for me is because I am trying to shove all of the ending in just one chapter. After much thought, I wholeheartedly agree. So I'm going to do right by you guys and instead of giving you an epically long chapter, I'm going to give you the ending in three chapters. Hopefully this will help me finish much sooner. I'm sorry for the long wait. **_

_**Thanks for those of you who stuck around. **_

_**Couldn't do this without you! :) **_

* * *

**Chapter 73: I Need, Love**

* * *

_**[Part 1]**_

**I Need Your Love (Calvin Harris feat. Ellie Goulding)**

* * *

_**Definite...definite progress!**_

* * *

**May 2020**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**May 11, 2020 (In Tokyo)**_

_**Dear Henry,**_

_**Today (in Japan) my baby girls are three and I won't be there to wake up with them...at least if my label gets it's way.**_

_**Brooklyn is conquering reading and Briana is singing all the time.**_

_**That's as much as I know and it's a really fucked up thing. **_

_**Even with me and Britt finally back together, I still haven't been home much.**_

_**I went from Australia to the Grammy's and then before I knew it I was in Canada and then Europe.**_

_**Britt called me last night and told me that she is going to fly with the kids back to Lima and stay there for the summer.**_

_**I hope to be home in a few days and then we can fly back to Lima together.**_

_**But I think she doesn't believe that I'm going to be home before then.**_

_**She asked me if I would meet her there because we needed to talk face to face.**_

_**I'm nervous.**_

_**And really I should be Henry, I mean, I have been a terrible mother and wife.**_

_**Britt, though, sounds like she isn't ending things but I feel like she needs a change.**_

_**When I asked her for space back after the girls were born she was so patient and then she waited for three years for me to be ready.**_

_**Our time in the hotel was great and then when we hung out with the family afterwards, that was amazing.**_

_**The kids seemed happy and healthy.**_

_**But apparently there is more stuff that I'm not seeing.**_

_**I can just tell from the sound of her voice.**_

_**It worries me.**_

_**This is the last night of tour and we are ending in Japan.**_

_**Mercedes says that they want us to reconvene back in New York to start working on the next album but I'm not feeling it.**_

_**I've been gone for way too long.**_

_**There is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can't shake.**_

_**And usually that feeling is right**_

_**I'm headed out on stage now and like always, you'll be with me.**_

_**As I play for this stadium full of screaming fans, you will rest on my piano, full of years worth of entries and pictures of my family.**_

_**I've been selfish these last couple of years and I'm finally seeing it.**_

_**After tonight Henry, I am going to take time off and focus on my kids and my wife.**_

_**Starting with surprising her by showing up on the girls' birthday. **_

_**I may have missed their birthday according to Japan but it is still yesterday in Puerto Rico!**_

_**I'm going to do better...I'm serious Henry!**_

_**I double pinky promise.**_

_**-S**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_**I'm miserable.-Britt**_

_**Don't worry, we can make the best out of this. I'll see you soon.-Q**_

_**Okay. :(-Britt**_

_**Smile, B.-Q**_

_**I'm not sure I remember how?-Britt**_

_**Maybe I can remind you.-Q**_

_**Good luck.-Britt**_

* * *

I paced the house waiting anxiously for the kids to wake up.

It was mothers' day but they would only get to celebrate with me.

Izzy and Dani had made cards for me and Ana in school but she wasn't here.

Like always, it was just me.

I was left to deal with the wreckage of her being gone.

Tomorrow, Brook and Bri were three and she was probably going to be missing that too.

When she had missed Izzy's birthday, he had shrugged and just accepted that she was in Paris.

She had sent him a gift and video chatted for two whole hours and he had been satisfied.

But that's Izzy, he is just easy-going like that.

The twins though, are just babies.

Babies that are starting to understand that a birthday is all about them and I knew that they will ask for her.

Every morning they wake me up with kisses and then ask for her.

It was starting to break my heart.

When we were still taking things slow and were separated, I guess I just accepted her career but now that we are actively back together...it hurts more.

So now I'm waiting for the kids to be out of school for the summer and I'm moving back to Lima.

For good...she just doesn't know that yet.

Being in this paradise all alone hasn't been easy.

Especially with barely any support.

Bad stuff has been happening and with her so far away, there has been no point in bringing it up.

Now though, I was reaching my limit and I knew that things had to change.

We couldn't live like this.

Not anymore.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Being in the middle of the Unholy Trinity has never been easy.

Keeping the peace between my two best friends has never been a picnic.

But I feel an obligation to making sure that my godchildren have a voice because they are stuck in the middle of this more than I ever was.

San has been gallivanting all over the world just like she feared Britt would do way back when she was pregnant with Izzy.

As her friend, I have come to realize that sometimes she can really be blind to the things happening around her.

She often forgets about other people's feelings because she is so wrapped up in her own.

Holding up a facade is exhausting and wholly time consuming, I should know, I watched her build it.

The very fact that I knew her before, during and after she built this fortress around herself, I know how to get through to her.

It was a gift and a curse.

When I got the first message from Britt I had been trying and failing to get in contact with San.

* * *

After calling six times, finally, I got a hold of her assistant.

_"Santana Lopez's phone...can I take a message?"_

_"Jay? It's Quinn."_

_"Oh hi, Mrs. Lopez. Santana is on stage right now. She should be done her set soon. Would you like to hold or do you want me to have her call you back?"_

_"You know the answer to that, San doesn't call people back."_

_"Touche. Well then I will just call you back when her set is done and just tell her that you're holding. How's that sound?"_

_"She told you to keep the line open, didn't she?"_

_"Yes ma'am."_

_"Okay but promise me Jay that you will call back. This is really important."_

_"I promise."_

_"Thank you, Jay."_

_"Absolutely, talk to you soon."_

The line went dead and then Britt's message came through.

**_I'm not sure I remember how?-Britt_**

* * *

My wife sat beside me as we rode in the airport shuttle.

We were still thirty minutes out from San and Britt's house and I was anxious.

_"You know, it's crazy how fast things change. I used to be able to get San to answer a phone call in five seconds...and never has Brittany forgotten how to smile."_

Ceily looked at me and shrugged as she fed our newborn son.

I was still on maternity leave and she was taking time off just so that Britt wouldn't be alone for this last month that she was on the island.

Also, Ceily was from this area and that would serve to help with a big problem that Britt had been having.

Hopefully.

_"But we always knew that this would happen. My sister was destined to be a star and when you have a personality like hers...like mine, it is really easy to get wrapped up in yourself. And as far as Brittany is concerned, karma sucks. She has done this to my sister countless times."_

_"I want to believe that but-" _

I was cut off from continuing my thought when my phone was buzzing.

It was San.

Thank God.

* * *

_"Hello?" _

_"Mrs. Lopez, it's Jay." _

_"Hi Jay. Is her set finished?"_

_"Yes, she is storming into her dressing room as we speak."_

_"Oh no, what happened?"_

_"She fell on stage. She's fine...but I think her ego is bruised."_

_"Don't let her hear you say that."_

_"Oh, I know better than that. How do you want me to handle this?"_

That's when I heard a loud crash.

She was in a rage.

A full blown, Rachel Berry, diva rage.

_"Jay, listen carefully, I want you to just open her dressing room door...put me on speaker and place the phone on top of her journal. Don't speak to her, just leave and shut the door. Got it?"_

He cleared his throat.

_"Yea...okay." _

I waited as her yelling and screaming got louder.

But she didn't seem to be taking it out on Jay, that was a good thing.

I heard the door shut and figured he had done what I asked.

Hopefully, I could take it from here.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was pissed.

In what world does it make sense to wax a stage before a performance?

The audience can't really tell how shiny it is.

Everything had been perfect and I was peaceful and then just as I was standing up, my feet flew from under me.

And just like that, the shouts turned from cheering to laughter.

I felt humiliated.

There was no way to fix this.

So I moved as quickly as possible to my dressing room before screaming.

This was so unfair!

And to top it off, I had a plane to catch in an hour.

I was angrily ranting and tossing things into my suitcase when I heard the door shut.

When I turned around to curse out Jay, I was still alone.

_"San?"_

_"Ahh...taught my assistant how to avoid my wrath did you?"_

I said as I stormed over to my phone and picked it up.

_"That I did...I need to talk to you."_

_"No can do, Lucy Q. I really need to catch a flight...if I miss it, then I'll have to wait for the morning and that's the last thing that I want to do."_

_"Are you headed straight to Puerto Rico or are you stopping along the way?"_

_"The label wants me in New York, day after tomorrow but I think that B needs me more but I can't make any promises."_

_"And that's why I'm calling."_

_"I figured as much." _

_"So can I talk to you?"_

_"I haven't hung up yet...have I? So talk to me."_

* * *

My anger had quickly turned back to worry and nerves.

If I was getting a call from Quinn because she needed to talk, then I was sure as hell going to listen.

She was on her way to my wife and if she needed to talk to me before she got there, then this was serious.

_"Don't make any detours, come home."_

_"Okay, I'll try...care to tell me why?"_

_"Other than it being the right thing to do?"_

I sighed and plopped down on the couch next to my suitcase.

_"Look Q, I know that I haven't been doing everything that I should be doing when it comes to my family. Trust me, hearing Britt tell me that she needed to talk to me, in that grave voice...I realize that she isn't happy. But I know, B...she will hang in there and try to only tell me what she thinks I need to know. I know better...I know that she has said something to you."_

_"Ana, it's Ceily...when you get here, you and I should talk."_

_"Fuck...what aren't you two telling me. Just say it!"_

_"No. In person or not at all. Deal with it."_

My anger was back.

When did people go back to keeping things from me.

And why was I having to deal with Quinn and my sister.

I get that they are married but I don't want to talk about my marriage with my sisters.

That had really fucked shit up for me in the past and so I didn't want to talk about it with them.

Period.

_"Take me off speaker, Quinn. Now!"_

When I heard the click of the speaker being turned off, I went to launch into a tirade but Q got there first.

* * *

_"You need to take a break from music, Santana. I'm beyond worried about what it's doing to your kids. This is bigger than Brittany. This is about Dani and how being on that island with a mother who barely speaks the language or knows the culture, who can't even help her like she needs to be helped. Your kids are the product of a lesbian household in an area that is not accepting of that. Izzy is getting bullied and Dani is bullying people. She has even assaulted a few kids. It's like McKinley on steroids and it is screwing her up. She is an angry little girl with her biological parents' violent streak. You need to get your ass home and handle it. Brittany can't deal with the kind of atmosphere you have left her in. I know it's 2020 and the world has changed but not every body changed with it."_

I was speechless.

But on some level I must have known.

There were a dozen signals to there being trouble at home.

I had just chosen to overlook them.

_"How bad is it, Q?"_

_"So bad that I had your sister cancel her gallery opening in hopes that she could come down here and ease some of the tension. The school administrators want to talk to the mother of the kids and as far as they are concerned, that's you, not Brittany."_

_"Fuck...I didn't realize it was this bad...or even bad at all. She has told me none of this."_

_"What would you have done? You are never home. When was the last time that you were home for more than just a weekend?"_

I closed my eyes and tried to think about that one.

Every time that I had seen my kids in the last year, they were flying out to meet me in New York or L.A...but I hadn't been back to Puerto Rico...since...

_"Christmas."_

_"See what I mean? Look...shit...I'm at the house. The cops are outside your front door, I'm going to go deal with this. Keep your phone near you."_

_"What? Q-"_

The line went dead.

I pressed my palms against my eyes.

Shit. Shit. Shit!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

We had been in the middle of a late breakfast.

Quinn and Celia were on their way and then we were all supposed to be headed to the beach together, so I wanted the kids to be ready.

But then everything got messed up.

There was a banging on the door.

Izzy jumped in his seat and looked at me with tears in his eyes.

I rubbed his arm and suddenly remembered that we had skipped our dosage last night.

Crap!

This was not good.

_"You guys stay here and make sure that the girls eat their food...Dani...you are in charge."_

She smiled and nodded her head.

Izzy looked relieved that I hadn't asked him to be in charge.

Even though he was the oldest, most of the time he was too anxious to lead.

He was a lot like Ian and that worried me.

Because things for Ian hadn't ended up so good.

The banging happened again.

And the moment that I saw flashing lights and two big police guys at the door, my heart dropped.

_"Not today...please?"_ I whispered as I looked over my shoulder.

The kids were all watching me but none of them had moved from the table.

I needed my wife.

Badly.

* * *

_"Mrs. Lopez?"_ I nodded as I stood on the other side of the screen door, refusing to step onto the porch.

_"Yes."_

The guy looked in my eyes and then behind me.

I knew that he could see the kids and I was hoping that they were still sitting.

But I didn't want to turn around.

I didn't trust that he would take advantage and force his way inside like the last time.

_"There has been a complaint."_ He said in a really heavy accent.

_"What now?"_ I asked.

_"Can we come inside and talk about it?"_

_"No. The last time you guys searched my house...it took me hours to clean up after, so no thank you."_ I said with a stern voice, trying my best to imitate Ana.

_"Fine."_ He looked mad. _"Then can you step outside?"_

I shook my head again.

_"No. I can't leave my children alone. You can see me just fine."_

He reached to pull the screen open but I knew better, I had kept it locked.

_"Do I need to go to the car and get my partner? He isn't so nice."_

_"Just tell me the complaint."_ I said trying to still sound confident but the squeak in my voice showed him my fear.

And he smiled.

Like big and mean.

I could feel the tears pricking the back of my eyes and was about to give in when I saw a cab pull up.

Relief filled me.

And Quinn had been right because right in that moment, I remembered how to smile again.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Ceily and I had been married for five years and in those five years, we had developed that silent communication thing.

The moment I hung up the phone, I took the baby from her and let her go ahead of me towards the house.

By the time that I had made it to the porch she had the cop off to the side and was talking to him so fast and low that I couldn't understand a thing.

But her body told me that she was ready to explode.

When I got to the door, Britt was grinning as she opened it just enough for me to step through before she shut it again.

She wrapped her arms around me and the baby and didn't let go.

_"I'm so glad you're here. Happy Mothers' Day and thank you for having amazing timing!"_

She kissed my cheeks a few times before reaching into my arms and taking my son.

My godchildren were sitting around the table looking at me excitedly and I just held my arms open.

They looked at Britt and she nodded.

Once she gave them permission, all four of them were running towards me.

It seemed that it wasn't just Britt that had been relieved but them as well.

This was definitely not something that they should have to deal with.

It wasn't right.

_"Hey B...I was on the phone with San when we pulled up. She knows about the cops...I would call her."_

She looked panicked all of a sudden.

_"Crap!"_

_"I didn't mean to tell her...you go call her...I'll stay with the kids."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yea...I'm sure."_

She kissed my face and then without giving my son back, she rushed off towards the back of the house.

It seemed to calm her to hold the baby so I wasn't going to fight to get him back.

Whatever worked.

* * *

I took Britt's place at the table and got the kids to start eating again.

The twins were babbling to each other and Izzy was humming to himself as he arranged his food.

It was the dark eyes that were staring at me from across the table that had my attention.

Of all of San's kids, Dani, hands down was her double.

She was the spitting image of San with the exception of the light brown curls on her head.

I could see that she had been in a fight recently because she had a dark bruise on her cheek and butterfly stitches next to her lip.

This was not the way a seven-year old should look.

But then again, Dani was no ordinary seven year old.

_"Tell me what happened."_

She looked at me with a calculating glare and I didn't buckle.

I had dealt with the originator of that look since I was six and so there was no way that she could intimidate me.

Ever.

* * *

_"Stupid Margo DeJesus. She called Izzy retarded so I punched her and knocked out her tooth. Her friends jumped on top of me after that but I was the only one who got in trouble. Margo is a big baby, Dama, it was just a tooth and it was loose anyway. Mama is mad that I am the only one who got suspended."_

_"Suspended? Wow."_

_"I know! Margo just makes me so mad."_

_"Did you apologize to her?"_

___"Yes...they made me." _

_____"How many times have you gotten suspended?"_

_"Four. Mama says that they might kick me out of school."_

_"When did she say that?"_

_"Friday."_

_"You shouldn't have hit her." _Izzy said as he stared down his sister._ "It was just name calling. Mami says that you don't hit someone over name calling."_

_"Well Mami isn't here and I was just protecting you."_

_"I didn't ask you to!"_

I reached a hand out and rested it on Izzy's shoulder.

_"Breathe." _

He looked at me and closed his eyes.

Every time he got angry the wheezing started and I could hear it already.

He dropped his head and I could see that his cheeks were wet.

He obviously felt responsible.

Hopefully Ceily could get the cops to back off just long enough for San to get home.

Not only did Dani need her but apparently so did Izzy.

This was not good.

* * *

**_[Part 2]_**

**I Need You (Alicia Keys)**

* * *

**_This was not good._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The worst thing that happened was leaving my phone charger in my dressing room in Japan just before boarding a nine hour flight to L.A.

I was taking this flight back with Jay and a few of the dancers and then I was getting on my own jet from L.A. straight to Puerto Rico.

By the time that all was said and done, I was going to be flying for almost twenty hours.

Since my phone was dead and it was late, I just tried to get some rest.

Who knew the next time that I would be able to get a full night of sleep.

Getting used to the fact that I had left Japan on the night of my daughters' birthday and arrived in L.A. early in the afternoon a day before their birthday, was just crazy to me.

I was thankful that by early morning, I would be arriving at home a full two days earlier than Britt expected me.

But for me, after finding out that the cops were at my house, I was feeling like even that was too late.

The first thing that I did when I got to L.A. was to buy a charger and wait for my phone to spring back to life.

And when I did...man was I nervous.

There were a ton of missed calls and a voicemail.

Most of them were from Britt and that made me feel even worse.

Maybe surprising her wasn't a good idea.

She needed reassurance and I would give that to her.

I boarded my waiting plane and decided to call Britt while we waited on the tarmac.

* * *

_"Ana?"_

A scratchy voice answered the phone and immediately my heart dropped.

Britt had cried herself to sleep.

_"Hey you...what time is it there?"_

I heard some shuffling and then she cleared her throat.

_"It's five. Where are you?"_

_"I just got to L.A. I was going to surprise you but with the amount of messages and missed calls that I have from you, I figured that I would call you."_

_"Mmm...good call."_

_"You were sleeping?"_

_"Yea...uh...yea. After earlier, Celia took the kids to go see some of your family. She said I needed a break."_

_"Oh. Yea, I'm sure she's right."_

_"So you're in L.A.?"_

_"Yes. I'm heading home...to you. I'm on the plane we should be taking off in about forty five minutes. I will get into San Juan around two a.m."_

_"Really?"_ She didn't sound like she believed me.

_"Yes."_

_"So you'll be here for the girls' birthday?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Wow...that's...amazing Ana. Thank you."_

I laughed at how absurd it sounded that she was thanking me for coming home.

But she wasn't laughing in return.

_"You don't have to thank me. I want to be home."_

_"Mmmhmm." _

_"Quinn told me about Daniela fighting."_

_"She shouldn't have."_ Britt sounded cold now.

I wasn't liking the direction that this phone call was taking.

_"The lights just flickered, I guess we are taking off sooner than expected. I'll see you soon, Britt Britt. I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

_"And B?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"I'm going to fix this. I promise."_

_"Bye Ana." _

_"Bye."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It was hard for me to be excited.

My Mothers' day had been sabotaged by the area police and had it not been for Celia calling down Titi Irma, they would have tried to arrest me.

Ceily says that people thought that I was abusing the kids.

Like sexually.

I was disgusted with the very thought.

They were worried about Izzy and had blamed Dani's anger on it.

It seemed like they just wanted to sell a story and find reason to get rid of me.

They were going to arrest me, in front of my kids, on Mothers' Day.

Celia couldn't bring herself to tell me any of this herself, she had instead decided to take all four of the kids, plus the new baby and head to the other side of the island.

She called it giving me a break but really, I had this fear that she was worried that what they were saying was true.

And that hurt.

After she left, Quinn had sat me down and told me everything.

I was inconsolable.

There was just no way that I could stop crying.

I guess falling asleep was God's way of calming me down.

But the moment that I woke up, it all came rushing back.

And then to hear Ana sounding so happy, it just dug straight through me.

What would she say about all of this?

I had abused her more than once, what if she thought I was capable of hurting the kids?

So I tried to be normal and then she told me she was on her way.

I should have been thrilled but I wasn't.

Things were crazy here and I didn't want her to get dragged into the middle of it.

But it seemed like I had no choice in that.

* * *

It was just after midnight and I was getting dressed in a pair of sweats and regular sneakers.

Quinn and I were going to head to the airport, neither one of us wanting to be alone in that house.

Celia had decided that she would bring the kids back in the morning, so that Ana would already be there waiting for them.

But I knew that she still was having doubts.

Quinn was just too nice to say so.

At least, I think so?

When we stepped outside, a flash of light went off and then ten more and then suddenly people were jumping from the bushes.

I froze.

How did the paparazzi find out so quickly?

Did she know yet?

I just wanted to cry.

Thank God for Quinn.

She grabbed the keys from my hand and locked the door and then she grabbed a hold of my hand and led me down the stairs and to my car.

_"Keep your head down, B. Don't look at them. Don't talk to them."_

I nodded and tried my best to do what she said.

Quinn was a natural leader and just like back in high school, she could still make people feel really small just by looking at them.

She helped me into the car and then hit the car lock on the keys while she walked to the driver side.

How did she know how to handle this?

I was a wreck.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was exhausted.

My whole ten hour flight was filled with worry.

The sound of Britt's voice had scared me.

I hadn't heard her this out of it since the abortion and then the hysterectomy.

Was something wrong with the kids?

She would have told me...right?

My flight ended up getting in early.

And what I was met with was my security, asking me not to leave the plane.

But nobody was telling me why.

It was like they were shielding me from something but what?

Just because they had me barricaded on the plane did not mean that I was immune to what was happening.

I cracked open the shade and looked down on the tarmac.

There were hundreds of people out there...and a lot of media.

My heart was racing.

What the hell was going on?

* * *

It took an hour for me to get cleared to get off the plane.

But I had security up the ass.

I felt like the President as I stood at the top of the steps with Jay just in front of me.

He was on the phone texting and kept glancing back at me.

Even he looked pale.

Right then I stopped.

_"Jay...tell me what I'm walking into."_

He stopped and lifted his head towards at me.

_"It's not good...I'm having them escort Brittany's car to the bottom of the ramp so that you can get right in the car. It's a madhouse."_

_"But why?"_ He looked terrified to tell me, even with sunglasses on, I could see how scared he was to say. He just shook his head. I squeezed his shoulder. _"Jay, please tell me...did someone die?"_

He let out a shaky breath and shook his head.

_"No, ma'am. Everyone is alive."_

If no one died...what the hell was the issue?

* * *

From the way that Britt's black truck pulled up in front of the ramp, I could tell that she wasn't driving.

And if she wasn't driving...did that mean something happened to her?

Jay wasn't even looking at me now, he was too busy holding my hand and helping me down the stairs.

I watched as my security put my luggage in the trunk and then Jay was holding open the back door for me.

_"When you get inside, lock the doors, I'll be in a car right behind you. When you get to the house, no one gets out this car until I open the doors, got it?"_

My assistant never looked this intimidating.

Normally, he was docile and just bowed to anything that I said but right now, he was in protector mode.

And if I was straight, I would be swooning.

But in this moment, I could see a part of him that made me feel more protected than I had ever felt.

_"Jay...please...should I be worried?"_

He was holding my hand and helping me into the car.

Jay lifted his sunglasses and his bloodshot eyes met mine.

_"Santana, this is not a good situation. People are out for blood. Please, for once, I need you to do exactly as I said. Got it?"_

I didn't ask another question as I strapped myself into the backseat of the car.

_"Okay."_

_"Good. See you soon." _

He closed the door and then patted the side of the car.

It immediately sped forward and that's when I looked into the rest of the car.

And immediately fear shot through me.

* * *

Celia was in the drivers' seat with Quinn right next to her and then when I turned to look beside me, there sat my wife, face buried in her hands, weeping.

I reached out and placed my hand on her leg and her silent cries turned into full out sobs.

_"B?"_

_"I'm sorry."_ She cried, over and over again. _"I didn't do it...I swear!"_ She said looking up at me desperately.

I nodded and just rubbed her leg.

_"Okay, Britt. Baby it's fine. It's going to be okay...whatever happened, it will be okay."_

She went stiff and wiped her face.

_"You don't know?"_

I bit my lip and shook my head.

_"No...I'm not sure what's happening exactly, no."_

And that's when Britt cleared her throat and turned her body towards me.

_"Look, stuff has been bad here. People hate me. They hate that I'm your wife and not some man, they are always doing things or complaining to the cops about me but you know me...I...I'm yours and I love you and I love our kids."_

I nodded and brushed a stray tear from her face.

_"I know, B. Just...what's going on?"_

_"They...think that I...that I...um."_

Her whole face was red as she rambled out the rest.

It was like the world stopped.

Suddenly my mind was hurtling back to my own childhood.

And then Ian's.

How could they think that Britt was the kind of person to do that to her own kids?

I took off my seatbelt and flew over to her, she flinched but I didn't stop until she was in my arms and I was holding her tight.

Jay had been right, people wanted blood for this kind of thing.

She hadn't done this.

I knew better.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Say what you will about San but when it really counts, there is no one better to have your back.

Even with all the bad that she had done, her word counted for something.

It had the power to sway beliefs and accusations.

As I looked over at my wife, I could see that all that doubt she had felt, was immediately wiped away.

Ceily had been worried from the moment that cop told her about the complaint.

It wasn't that she believed that Britt was a child molester but sometimes a seed of doubt is enough.

She wanted to protect the kids, one way or the other.

I didn't argue when she said that she was going to take the kids to go see Felix and his wife.

Her reasons hurt but I wasn't going to stop her.

The kids needed to be hidden from everything while they still could be.

When we got caught in all the paparazzi and I asked her to drive us back because she knew this island backwards and forwards, she just caught a cab and didn't argue.

But all through Britt crying in the backseat and me trying to convey just through my actions that I believed Britt, she still had that doubt in her eyes.

She had that doubt up until the moment that San didn't even stop to question Britt, after everything was out in the open.

San believed her just as much as I did.

We knew Britt better than my wife did.

And so just like that, Ceily relaxed and stopped gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

She was believing.

And for her sake, I was happy.

This was the kind of thing that divided families and with all the ways that Britt had hurt San in the past, I knew that everyone waited for the next crazy thing that she would do.

But they needed to understand...that this wasn't Brittany.

Not even on her worse day.

And thanks to San, Ceily knew that now.

* * *

When we got back to the house, we were met by the cops, again.

This time though, San was with us.

Remembering what Jay had said to us, none of us moved from the car.

Britt was sleeping across San's lap and San was absently stroking her hair.

_"You guys believe that she didn't do this...right?"_

I nodded immediately and after a beat so did Ceily.

_"I'll be honest, sis, at first, I was nervous but after thinking about it and seeing her breakdown like that, I know that she's telling the truth."_

_"Thanks for the honesty...I know how crazy it all seems and I need you...the whole network to stick with her in this. I'm going to sue the fuck out of every person that pushes this story."_

She was angry.

The car door swung open and there stood Jay with an officer just behind him.

San blocked the door and looked at her assistant in the eye and shook her head.

_"No."_

_"They want to take her in for questioning."_

_"Not without my lawyer, she talks to no one."_

Jay turned around and looked at the cop and then mumbled to him.

It took two seconds of Jay talking to this same asshole that was harassing Britt earlier and without even an argument the cop agreed and rounded up his officers.

In the next moment, they were forming a line and signaling for us to walk with them up to the porch.

Jay had managed to turn them from vengeful to cooperative.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It was like the whole world had gone nuts.

I mean what kind of sick person just makes up shit like that?

How could someone just feel like it was okay to drag an innocent person like Britt through the mud?

She looked so broken down even in her sleep.

_"Thank you for tonight."_ I whispered to Jay as he laid her in bed.

He nodded as he softly pulled off her sneakers and then tucked her in.

She immediately curled up into a ball and whimpered in her sleep.

I brushed my fingers over her cheek and she quieted down.

Jay pulled out the desk chair and sat it between the windows that looked over the back of the house.

_"Go get settled, I'll let you know if she wakes up."_ He whispered.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes. The sooner that you go, the sooner you can watch over her yourself."_

I nodded before kissing her face.

_"Thanks Jay, I'm just going to call and check on the kids before I shower."_

_"Do what you need to do."_

I wanted to hug him and give him a huge raise in that moment but I settled for a smile as I left him to guard over my wife.

* * *

When I stepped into the living room to grab my suitcase, I could see that Ceily was pacing the dining room and whispering into her phone.

She looked angry until she saw me.

Her walls immediately went up as our eyes met.

_"Who is that?"_ I asked as I picked up my bags.

_"It's Sandra and Damariz."_

My face dropped.

It was the middle of the night, couldn't people at least give me time to talk to my wife?

_"What are they saying?"_

_"They are asking me if it's true. Apparently all the news outlets are reaching out to anyone in the family to see if someone will break."_

_"Of course they are, fucking vultures!"_ I was pissed.

Ceily nodded and then put the phone down on the table and hit the speaker.

I could hear my sisters talking as the phone rested on the table.

_"Ana, we are behind you in this. We know that as fucked up as shit has been between you and Britt...this is just...too far." _Sandra trailed off and then cleared her throat._ "Look, you guys should get out of there and come home as soon as possible. I'm really worried about you guys."_

_"Thanks San, that means a lot to me and to Britt. She is distraught, I mean how many people come back from this kind of allegation?"_

_"People with money and that just happens to be you. You have our support baby sis. Nobody that knows Brittany can possibly believe that this is true."_ Damariz said.

_"Yea, Mari but that's just it. Nobody knows Britt like we do. Like I do. Sure her friends from high school and from dancing will know the truth but the media can turn a saint into a whore in five minutes. As soon as I can pack up the kids, we are on our way home. I can't let her suffer like this another day."_

* * *

When I finally returned to our bedroom, Britt was sitting there staring down at a picture of our little family.

Sobbing.

Jay was watching her and then when I stepped into the room, he looked at me wide-eyed.

_"She asked me to give her a moment, I was on my way to-"_

I held up my hand and shook my head.

_"It's fine, Jay. I need you to work overtime tonight, do you mind?"_

He stood to his feet and smiled softly as he placed a hand on my shoulder.

_"Just ask and I will do whatever you need."_

I reached up and pulled his head down so that I could speak directly into his ear.

He nodded along as I told him how I needed him to get the plane ready and how I needed to get off the island with as little press as possible.

I knew that he could do this because it wasn't the first time that I asked him to sneak me out of a place undetected.

My sister and Q were already packing up the kids' stuff.

If I had my way, we wouldn't be here much longer.

Once I had gotten Jay all squared away, I asked Britt to come into the bathroom with me.

Right now I trusted nothing.

It was easy to put a mic up to a window and I didn't need anyone lingering outside to hear what I wanted to say to her.

So I took her into one of the only rooms without windows.

This was that serious.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was so scared.

Even though I knew that I had done nothing wrong, I still felt like I had fucked up somehow.

Maybe I could have prevented this?

My soul hurt and my heart felt like it had completely blown up.

Ana sat me down on the edge of the toilet and then sat on the lid of the toilet.

She looked in my eyes and all over my face before pulling my hands into her lap.

_"None of this is your fault."_ She said with so much anger.

_"You b-believe me?"_

She looked shocked.

_"Britt, I know you and I know that you would never hurt our kids."_

_"H-how?"_

_"Because that's not who you are. I have dealt with child molesters first hand and you are no child molester. This was some fucked up bitch's idea of retribution."_

I felt the tears drip down my face.

This had been what I needed.

Ana.

_"Thank you." _I said before leaning forward and hugging her tight.

As her arms came around me I felt like a broken part of me was being glued back together.

It was amazing that her touch could still heal me.

_"I love you, Britt Britt and I'm going to fix this."_

And for the first time since she had said it, I believed her.

My heart felt a zillion times better because I knew that she was here for me.

With me.

I needed her and here she was.

Thank God!

* * *

I'm not quite sure she managed to get the people in the bushes to go away but when we left the house two hours later, after keeping the lights off for an hour, they had gone away.

That's when Jay got us out the house and drove us straight to the airport, just me and Ana.

When we got to the airport, we drove straight to the plane in a dark warehouse.

_"If I wasn't feeling so bad about all of this...this would feel so cool."_ I said as Jay parked the truck.

Ana smiled at me and kissed my face.

_"I know, B. It is cool."_

_"Thank you for believing me."_ I whispered as she held tight to my hand and pulled me up the stairs of the plane.

She pulled me into the plane and then immediately attached her lips to mine.

The kiss was sweet and strong as she held me firmly.

There was no doubt in her embrace.

Her lips pressed against mine and she moaned a little as she pulled away.

When our eyes met again, I could see the tears on her face.

I went to apologize again but her finger pressed against my lips and she shook her head.

_"I want you to listen to me, okay?"_

I nodded and she dropped her hand from my face and wrapped it around my waist.

She gripped me tightly and didn't break eye contact.

_"I know the truth, in my heart but just so you can feel better. I'll do what you need."_

_"What?"_ I whispered.

_"Did you do what they are claiming? Did you touch the kids...in a bad way?"_

I could see how hard it was for her to ask me this kind of question.

I shook my head.

_"I would never do anything to hurt them and I would never do anything like touch them in a bad way. I swear to you."_

She nodded and smiled at me.

That light in her eyes warmed my heart.

_"Thank you for being honest with me, B."_

_"Always."_

She pressed her lips to my face again and then sighed.

_"Now that we talked about that heavy stuff, I am going to need you to tell me all the stuff that you have kept from me. We need to be on the same page about everything. The media are going to try to tear us apart but I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. I'm on your side, no matter what. Okay? I love you, always and only you."_

Relief filled me.

I knew right then that even if everyone else left me,

Stopped believing in me, I still had Ana.

And in everything, that was all that I needed.

* * *

_**A/N: Can you see why it needed to be split up? Let me know what you thought and I promise not to make you wait so long for the next piece...which is thankfully, much happier. :)** _


	74. Chapter 74:Stay, Now, Past, Everything

_**A/N: I know that I have been cheating on you guys with Quinntana and I apologize...well I kind of do. Anyway...here I am again. You have this chapter which is split into 4 parts and then one more chapter which will be...it. :)**_

* * *

**Chapter 74: Stay, Now, Past, Everything**

* * *

_**[Part 3]**_

**Stay With You (John Legend)**

* * *

**_...I still had Ana._**

**_And in everything, that was all that I needed._**

* * *

**May 2020**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

We sat in the hangar at the airport for a while.

Me and Britt on a plane just sitting in our own worlds.

I believed her and I wanted her to understand that.

This was something that we would get through, I was sure of it.

After we had been sitting there for a half hour, I got antsy.

And then my phone buzzed.

It was Jay.

_"Yea?"_

_"I don't think going to New York is the best idea. Not yet. Can I redirect the plane somewhere?"_

_"Where are you?"_

_"On the way back to you with the kids, Celia and Quinn."_

_"See if you can arrange to land us at the airport in Lima."_

_"And then to your house from there?"_

_"Yea, what's your e.t.a?"_

_"About five minutes. Just sit tight for a little while longer."_

_"Thanks, Jay."_

* * *

When I looked back over to Britt, I could see that she was leaned over completely in her chair, touching her toes.

_"What are you doing, B?"_

_"I feel stiff." _She grumbled.

_"Are you trying to distract yourself?"_

She sighed and finally sat back up and looked at me with dry eyes.

Her whole face looked swollen and her lip was being torn to shreds as she bit down on it.

_"Yea." _She finally whispered.

_"Talk to me, B."_

_"What happens next? We get away from this island...you stay until this blows over and then you leave again?"_

Her eyes were watering again.

My chest hurt, I knew that this was one of those defining moments in our relationship, what I said and did over the next little while would probably set the course of our future together.

_"We make sure that the kids are protected, in all of this they need to have as much stability as possible. So we are going to head home to Lima, we are going to celebrate the girls' birthday and we are going to take it easy. I am taking a much needed break from my career and we are going to raise our family. As much as we wanted out of Lima...right now, that's probably the best place for us. How's that sound?"_

_"Are you really serious about taking a break from singing?"_

I nodded and brushed a stray tear from her cheek.

_"I am...I can record anytime...maybe even build a studio but as far as touring and releasing new music...I think I can stop for a while."_

And just like that, the Brittany that I fell in love with was suddenly back.

She threw herself into my arms and hugged me tight.

_"Oh God...I've...for so long...Ana!" _She was crying and mumbling against my shoulder and I just held her.

_"It's going to be okay now...I promise. We will work it out. Okay?"_

_"Thank you!"_

* * *

Relief filled me when Quinn climbed into the plane with the kids following her.

Jay and Felix were carrying the girls, who were both fast asleep.

Isaac was looking around with wide eyes until he saw me.

He ran past Quinn and flew into my open arms.

When my arms wrapped around him, I could feel that he was shaking so hard.

I rubbed his little back as he cried into my shoulder.

_"Shh, shh...it's okay, Papa. I'm here. Be brave for me...okay?"_

He pulled his head up and wiped at his tears before leaning in and kissing my cheek.

_"Bendicion, Mami. I missed you."_

_"Dios te bendiga. I missed you too, Papa."_

_"Quit hogging, Mami!"_ Daniela snapped from behind him.

He sighed and looked at me with sad eyes before moving over to greet Britt.

Before I could say anything to him, Daniela was throwing herself against me.

_"Bendicion, Mami. I'm glad you came back home."_

Her voice was much quieter as she whispered against my cheek.

There was a shake there, which was definitely not something that I was used to.

_"Dios te bendiga...look at me."_

When she pulled out of my arms, she barely lifted her face.

I took a deep breath and pushed her chin up with my thumb.

Quinn had told me about the fighting but this looked worse than that.

Someone had hit her pretty hard.

_"Tell me what happened?"_

_"She was picking on Izzy...she deserved to be punched in the mouth."_

_"Did she put her hands on you?"_

Daniela dropped her head and shook it.

_"No Mami."_

_"Look at me, Daniela Amaris."_

Her head popped back up and her eyes met mine again.

She was crying.

_"I'm sorry."_

_"No. Answer my question. Did she put her hands on you?"_

_"No Mami. I hit her first."_

_"What's my rule about fighting?"_

She shrugged.

_"I don't know."_

_"I want you to go sit down and think about it and when you are ready to explain to me why you started a fight with your fists instead of your words...we will talk."_

_"Yes Mami."_

She kissed my face again and then trudged off to the back of the plane.

I hated to scold her right now with everything else going on but I had learned the hard way that you should never pass up a chance to parent.

Britt had been dealing with the fighting for long enough on her own and so now it was my turn to do something about it.

* * *

It felt good to step off the plane in Lima with no media presence.

The moment that we stepped onto the tarmac, two cars pulled up.

When I saw Susan's minivan being one of them, I smiled.

Britt was in the middle of whispering to Briana so she didn't notice.

_"B?"_

_"Yea?" _

_"Your mom's here."_

Her head shot up and she grinned.

_"Amazing...look...so is yours."_

That's when I looked up at the first car.

My old BMW.

Mami stepped down from it and walked around towards us.

She and I hadn't spoken in five years and she didn't even know the twins.

And even though my grudge had prevailed over the last half decade, I was filled with so much relief.

_"Who's that, Mami?"_

Brooklyn nudged me.

She was pointing at Mami with her chubby finger and scrunching up her face.

_"That's your Abuela...my Mami."_

_"She come for my birthday?"_

_"Yes, mija."_

She clapped her hands together.

When Mami and Susan were finally standing in front of us, suddenly, I was nervous.

Thankfully though, Quinn made her presence known.

_"How about I take the kids with Susan while you guys go with Gladys and get the party set up?"_

The twins both cheered and clapped.

_"I guess that's settled then."_ Britt said before handing Briana off to Quinn.

I could tell that she had really wanted to go with Susan but she knew that talking through this with Mami, was probably best.

There was no one better to have in our corner.

No one.

* * *

I never thought that I would admit it...but it really did feel good to be home.

Despite all the pain that I had been dealt in my father's house, the place brought me peace.

When we stepped inside, it was warm and back to his pre-demise look.

Even though Mami and I hadn't been speaking, people still felt the need to keep me updated and so I wasn't surprised to see that Mami had moved back.

In fact, after Pa had basically lost his mind and questioned my marriage and she left him, I was pretty certain that she would move back to Lima.

And even though the house was in my name, Papi had bought the house for her and so it was her house just as much as it was mine.

She immediately headed into the kitchen with Ceily but I lingered by the door.

I couldn't go into that kitchen and talk about the heavy stuff just yet, so instead, I turned to Britt and smiled.

_"We need to talk."_

She looked sad but nodded.

_"I know."_

_"I'm going to head up to shower...can you tell them that I wanted to talk to you first and then meet me upstairs in like ten minutes?"_

_"Okay...I'll check on the kids too...and then I'll be up."_

_"Thanks, B."_

Britt nodded and then kissed my forehead before walking off.

She seemed so heavy, even in her movements.

This needed to be fixed.

Right now, though, I needed to take this moment to myself.

* * *

The moment that I was alone in my old bedroom, I pulled my phone out and scrolled through my phone log.

And then, as I pulled old clothes out of my dresser, I put the phone to my ear.

_"Hi...didn't think that I would hear from you...like ever again."_

_"Yea well...I find myself in need of your help."_

_"What do you need?"_

_"You...I'm back in Lima...can you come?"_

_"When?"_

_"Now...like as soon as you can. Have you seen the news?"_

_"No...I've been occupied for the last two days, I just turned my phone back on and it was ringing. Should I look?"_

_"When you do, you will understand why you and I need to talk face to face."_

_"You're really starting to worry me."_

_"I know, I'm sorry. I just...you are one of the most resourceful people, that I know and after everything that we have been through, you owe me this."_

_"Okay...I'll book my flight."_

_"Thank you and if the media contacts you..."_ I felt my throat clogging up.

_"I say nothing...got it. See you soon."_

_"Thank you Marco."_

_"Take it easy, Ana."_

* * *

Dressed in old sweats, I climbed into the treehouse and sat back against the wall.

My mind was so full of everything and nothing felt right.

But I believed her.

Trusted her.

I closed my eyes as the pounding in my head intensified.

Years after giving up drugs, I was still craving...still having moments of weakness in my sobriety.

But I had stayed clean...even when it was hard.

_"Ana?" _Her voice was small as she stepped into the treehouse.

_"Hey." _I said without opening my eyes.

She sat down next to me and put her head on my shoulder.

_"Please tell me that you still believe me...please?" _She begged.

I nodded and then wrapped my arm around her shoulders.

_"I need to ask you again, B...and it's not because I don't believe you...this is just really big. Really serious...and I need to know."_

_"I never touched them...never thought about it. It's disgusting and sick. I would NEVER do that. EVER." _Her voice was cold as ice as she bit out her words.

When I finally looked at her, I could see the certainty and conviction on her face.

_"Okay, B. I believe you. I'm here...I'm with you in this. I promise."_

She wrapped her arms around me and climbed into my lap.

I buried a hand in her hair and had the other wrapped tightly around her waist.

Her whole body was vibrating with sadness as she wept against my shoulder.

All that heaviness was pouring out of her and I was holding her together.

Just like I always would...forever.

* * *

_**[Part 4]**_

**Now (Paramore)**

* * *

**_All that heaviness was pouring out of her and I was holding her together._**

**_Just like I always would...forever._**

* * *

**November 2020**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was nervous.

This was the first time that we were leaving Lima since May.

Even though all the charges were dropped and Titi Irma admitted to being the one who had said those things, I still felt like I was being watched.

Lima though, had been good for us.

Because of Sue, the whole community had wrapped around us and kept us safe from all the press and the kids were doing better.

Ana had kept her word and we were doing things as a family now.

Of course, doing things as a family now meant that Thanksgiving back in New York, was non negotiable.

Everyone would be there and I was really nervous.

What if they questioned me?

I mean, I hadn't done anything wrong but even still, I was really cautious around the kids.

Everything made me nervous and paranoid.

I could tell that Ana was worried.

* * *

The car felt overly hot.

We were on our way from the airport to Westchester with the kids quietly watching a movie in the back seats.

I looked over at her as she drove and could see the smile on her face as she hummed to herself.

But the smile wasn't real.

She looked like she wanted to say something but she was holding back.

The past few months have been filled with those types of moments.

I looked back at the kids and could see that the headphones were blocking out all sounds that weren't the movie.

This was a good enough time.

_"Ana?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"What are you thinking about?"_

_"Hmmm...do you really want to know?"_

She put her hand on my leg and rubbed at my knee.

I put my hand on top of hers and looked out over the water as we crossed the bridge.

_"I do."_

Her smile finally dropped and she cleared her throat.

_"Unicorns."_

_"Okay...that's totally not what I was expecting."_

_"Yea...I figured as much."_

_"What about them, Ana?"_

_"Do you remember how I told you, that you are the unicorn...my unicorn?"_

_"Umm...yea?"_

_"Do you remember why I said that?"_

_"No...not really."_

_"Because you were strong and brave and one of a kind."_

_"Oh."_

_"Yea and I was wondering...if I would ever get that version of you back."_

_"Version of me? You don't think that I'm brave? That I'm a unicorn? What's so different about me?"_

_"A lot of things."_

_"Like what?"_

_"Back in high school, you were fearless. You didn't back down and it was one of the things that I fell in love with from the moment that I knew you. Like that time that you slept over my house for the first time, I was sitting there smoking and drinking, angry at the world and you just broke down my walls. You were always so happy and that got me thinking about all those performances that we did together in glee club and about the happy times before my 18th birthday."_

_"When everything fell apart?"_

_"Yea."_

_"I haven't been that person in a long time, Ana. You're right, I have changed...a lot."_

_"I know that...so have I...but over the last few years...that part of you, the unicorn, was always still there...like the flashlight tag...or running in the sprinklers with the kids this summer. Always calling me on my shit and making me own up to my problems and my addiction. Even down to when you were constantly fighting to be with me, even when I was running away from what you gave me. And then this bad thing happened and you got scared. Then suddenly, the charges were wiped away and Irma came forward and it's like once that happened...I lost you completely. And so I was sitting here thinking about what I could do to help bring that unicorn in you, back."_

_"Unicorns aren't real, Ana. I can't ever be that stupid high school kid again."_

_"That's not true...they are real the Bible says so."_ She sighed out as we pulled down the long driveway towards our New York home.

I shook my head and looked away from her, I knew that she was right but what was I supposed to do?

Doubt was following me around and I couldn't shake it.

I looked at our main house and then over at my abandoned dance studio and felt a sadness wash over me.

Dancing...how long had it been?

And just like she could read my thoughts, she stopped the car, just outside of my studio.

_"What are you doing?" _I asked when the car stopped.

_"Dancing...I think that's what you are missing, B. Maybe, while we are in New York...we could visit Frank and August?"_

_"What for?"_

_"Y-"_

She was cut off by a little head popping between our seats.

_"Are we here yet? I have to pee." _Brook said as she looked between us.

Ana sent her back to her seat and then put the car back in drive.

_"You know why, B." _She whispered as we finally pulled into the driveway in front of Sandra's house.

She was right...I did know why.

* * *

When Ana had told me that everyone would be at Thanksgiving dinner, I didn't realize that she meant EVERYONE.

The moment that we stepped inside, I was wrapped up in a familiar scent.

I pulled away in shock and stared into the eyes of Frankie.

We hadn't seen each other since I was on tour.

_"Oh my...what are you doing here?"_ I screeched as I hugged her again.

_"Your wife asked me to come...so here I am. She told me that you needed me."_

I looked over at my wife and could see her fussing over the kids as she directed them to greet the family.

She wasn't even paying me any attention.

I looked back at Frankie and could see that the years had been good to her.

We had been keeping contact through emails and so I knew her life from a distance.

After having three kids, she was still super in shape and still looking young.

_"Where's the wife?"_ I asked looking around the foyer to see if Siobhan popped out.

_"Cadence broke her wrist and so she went to go help her to the bathroom."_

_"How did she do that?"_

_"Dancing with me...she's the liveliest two-year old in the world."_

_"Wow."_

A hand came over my shoulder and I leaned into the hug.

_"Hey Britt, how are you babe?"_

I nodded as I looked up at Puck.

_"I'm okay."_

_"Good...Sandra told me to come get everyone...time to eat."_

* * *

There were three big tables in the dining room.

It was amazing to see the amount of people in this room and how none of them were paying much attention to me.

That was one of the best things about them, they had supported me through everything.

My mind was wandering but then I felt a hand touch mine and I smiled.

Ana kissed my shoulder and then smiled back.

_"I love you, B."_

_"I love you too."_

There was a clinking and everyone looked towards the sound.

Sandra was standing in the middle of the room with a baby on her hip.

_"Hi family! So it's been such a long time since we have had everyone together. This past year has been a crazy one. We have had births, legal issues, a wedding, a funeral, awards and accomplishments. I thank each and every one of you for blessing my house with your presence, I ask you all to join hands and Father Marco Vega is going to bless the meal. Please don't break the circle."_

She shuffled off to the side and joined hands with Johnny and Tito.

When Marco stepped forward he looked over at me and held his hands out.

I pointed back at myself and he nodded.

And then I felt Ana pull me and so I followed her as we made our way to the center of the room.

Marco brought his hand to mine and held it firmly.

The family then closed in around us so that the circle still remained unbroken.

I felt put on the spot but I knew that this wasn't anything to feel bad about.

This was a show of support and the fact that my wife was still holding onto me said a lot.

She wasn't leaving my side.

_"Everyone please bow your heads."_ Marco's voice boomed. I dropped my head and rested it on Ana's shoulder. _"Dear heavenly Father, we would like to give thanks for this day, for this moment and for every single person in this room. You have brought us all through so many trials and tribulations and we stand together in eternal thanks for your loyalty and love. So many things could have torn this family apart but instead, we are stronger than ever. On this day of thanks, we would like to just pass on the love and support to those among us who have felt downtrodden. I ask that you bless those of us that are hurting, help us to remember that the reason that we thank you is because you are an awesome and on time God. You remain with us in our darkest hour and bring us through the tough times with grace and mercy. Thank you Lord, for everything that you have done, will do and are doing to keep this family cloaked in your everlasting love. Please bless the food and help it to nourish our minds, bodies and souls. Bless those that are without today. In your son's precious name. Amen."_

_"Amen."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Thanksgiving dinner was in full swing and it seemed that the prayer had gotten everyone in good spirits, even Britt.

She had been in such a dark place for months now and so seeing her laughing and joking with the family had me feeling a sense of hope.

My phone had been buzzing in my pocket all day long and I had been ignoring it but when it went off again during dinner, I ended up excusing myself so that I could take the call.

Everyone was preoccupied and so when I walked away from the table, nobody really noticed.

It felt good to be able to walk away and have nobody wonder if I was going off to get high.

Times had definitely changed.

My head was killing me and so I decided that going outside would probably be best.

_"Hello?"_

_"Santana Lopez?"_

_"Yes...this better be good, it's Thanksgiving...just in case you hadn't noticed."_

_"I understand but you instructed us to call you as soon as the results came in, no exceptions. Dr. Jindahl would like to speak with you. Do you have a moment to talk?"_

_"Can you hold on a second?"_

_"Sure."_

I headed down the driveway and climbed into my car.

Suddenly, I felt like I couldn't stand.

My head hurt so badly and I felt like it was going to explode.

Then the nausea.

And then there had been the seizure after running on the school track, Sue made me swear to get checked out.

So here I was making good on my word.

It had been like this for months and I had been through so many tests with no results.

Finally, Dr. J had to get involved and he knew my history so he was testing me for other things.

All of this had happened in secret.

With everything that Britt was dealing with, I couldn't burden her with anything else.

Marco had been the only person that I had confided in, other than Sue, ironically.

Talking to Marco about my issues had less to do with our past together and more to do with his capacity as a man of the cloth.

He had been counseling me for months and now today, after such an emotional prayer that had me fighting back tears, I was getting the call that could change my life.

* * *

I connected my phone with the car and then locked the doors and rested my head on the steering wheel.

_"Hello? Dr. J?"_

_"Hi Santana...how are you feeling?"_

_"Nothing has changed."_

_"Have you talked to Brittany about the testing?"_

_"No...not until I know something...so please...don't keep me waiting."_

_"We have more than one thing going on here, Santana...but your suspicions were right, there is definitely something going on in your head."_

_"Great...am I going to die or something?"_ I chuckled.

_"If left untreated...possibly."_

I jerked in my seat and stared at the phone on my console.

_"What do you mean, doc?"_

_"You need to stay calm...that's important, stress can aggravate your blood pressure. I'm going to fly out to New York tonight...I'm hoping that we can get you into surgery before morning."_

_"Fuck, doc...what's wrong with me?"_

He sounded hesitant and worried.

_"I want to run another scan but I'm pretty sure that you have an aneurysm among other things."_

_"Oh God...tell me that I'm not going to die, doc...please? I'm only 27...please doc?"_

_"Finish your dinner and then get to the hospital as soon as possible."_

_"Doc?"_

_"Santana, I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that you see your children grow up."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

The fucking drugs.

I had abused my body for years and now at just 27, I was paying the price.

My whole body felt numb as I made the slow walk back to the house.

Nobody had come looking for me but then I realized that I had only been gone for about five minutes.

I pressed my hand to my head and tried to breathe.

Even breathing though felt forced.

When I pushed the door open there stood Isaac playing with his iPod.

His eyes looked up when I closed the door.

_"Hi Mami...are you okay?"_

He held his hand out to me.

In that moment, I almost broke but I couldn't let him see me like that, so I smiled and took his hand in mine.

_"I'm okay, Papa...why aren't you eating?"_

_"You left the table and you looked worried. I couldn't focus until I knew that you were okay."_

I looked into those baby blue eyes and felt a tear come to my eye.

He tried to reach up and touch my face but he wasn't tall enough yet, so I crouched down.

We were eye to eye and he was searching my face for an answer.

_"I'm just feeling emotional, Papa. I haven't seen everyone in a long time."_

His warm hand touched my cold cheek and he shook his head.

_"It's okay Mami...don't lie for me...if you don't want to tell me, that's okay. Just...please don't be sad?"_

I nodded and held my arms open.

_"Come here, Papa."_

He wrapped his arms around me and I felt my chest close up.

All that I kept thinking was that I could lose this.

Lose my family that I had fought so hard for.

The tears tried to come but with them came pain so I took a deep breath and slowly stood up.

_"I love you, Mami."_ He said as he took my hand.

I smiled as I pulled him towards the table.

_"Thank you, Papa. I love you too...always."_

* * *

I slid back into my seat and I swear the moment that I did, everyone was looking at me.

_"What's up?"_ I said as I picked up my spoon.

The table was silent.

I went to scoop up some mashed potatoes but then I felt a hand on my arm.

My wife looked at me with a serious expression and then pushed my hair from my face.

_"What is it?" _She whispered.

I looked at her and then I looked past her at Marco.

_"Seriously?"_ I said, trying my best to have an attitude but it fell flat.

_"You need your family. We are here...don't shut us out."_

I put my elbows on the table and mumbled low, just so Britt could hear me.

_"I won't talk about it with the kids in the room."_

She nodded and then looked down the table towards Frankie.

_"Can you take the kids to the theater and get a movie set up?"_

Frankie got up and managed to get all the kids out of the room and headed down to the theater.

I couldn't stall any longer.

* * *

_"Dr. J called...I need to have surgery...as soon as possible. Tonight most likely...I'm not sure if I'm going to make it."_

Britt looked at me with shock.

_"What is it?"_

_"An aneurysm...he's pretty sure."_

_"You shouldn't be sitting here then...we need to get you to the hospital. Mari tell her!" _Quinn said, with tears in her eyes as she looked from me to my sister and back again.

I nodded and slowly stood.

_"That's fine...I don't have an appetite...I'm...too uh...scared."_

The tears finally came and I was suddenly standing there crying in front of everyone.

Britt's arms came around me and she held me tight.

_"I'm going to be your unicorn. We can make it through this. Okay?"_

I broke and sobbed harder.

And then time went backwards and I was in the center of a huge prayer circle again.

My family surrounded me and prayed out loud.

There were prayers in Spanish, Italian, English and Latin.

As the prayers went on, I felt my tears dry up.

My strength hit me and I was feeling stronger.

Britt breathed softly against my neck and hummed to me.

She had finally caught on to the song that I had been humming in the car.

Landslide.

I felt like this was just another bump along the road.

Just one more obstacle to get through.

And with my family and faith, I knew that I could do this.

* * *

**_[Part 5]_**

* * *

**Past Lives (Ke$ha)**

* * *

**_I felt like this was just another bump along the road._**

**_Just one more obstacle to get through._**

**_And with my family and faith, I knew that I could do this._**

* * *

**November 2020**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I have never seen her look stronger.

And even though the family insisted on crowding the waiting room she didn't want anyone in the room with her.

But I wouldn't have it.

So despite her need to go at this alone, I fought my way to her room.

I wasn't weak.

I could handle this.

She had been warning me...in the car earlier, she had been trying to prepare me to be strong for her.

And had I not had my head up my own ass, I would have seen it.

But I got it now.

I had been so out of touch that she had turned to Marco for comfort.

I had experienced that back when Ian was alive and I had learned from it.

She didn't want to burden me but I was her wife...it was my job.

And she couldn't turn me away.

I was the unicorn.

Her unicorn.

* * *

Her back was to me when they told her that they needed to shave her head.

One of the things that my wife has always taken pride in, is the long dark curls on her head but in that moment she shrugged.

She wasn't as strong as she wanted me to think.

Her fight wasn't in her.

And that wasn't how this was going down.

_"Wait? Please?"_

She turned and our eyes met.

In her eyes I could see all the fear that she was trying to push away.

And a spark of relief.

If this had been a test, I had passed it.

_"Britt...baby...we can't wait."_

_"Can I just...a picture with the kids...please?"_

She closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath before nodding.

I ran as fast as I could, sprinting down the hall and around the corner, out of breath.

I slapped a smile on my face when I burst into the waiting area, my eyes zeroed on my kids.

They needed to see me not panicking.

_"Niños?"_ I smiled to myself because that is what Ana called them.

Dani and Izzy looked up, both looking anxious.

Someone had told them.

That wasn't what she wanted.

It was too late though.

* * *

I waved them over and they each took one of the girls' hands and came over to me.

The room was silent.

_"Yes, Mama."_ Izzy was trying to look brave.

_"Mami has to go into surgery but she wanted to see you first...she needs to see you smiling okay? It will help her get better faster."_

Izzy and Dani shared a look before looking back at me.

For once, it was like they had switched places, Izzy was holding his head up and smiling while Dani looked like she was going to break.

I put my hand on her shoulder and she looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

_"It's okay...she's going to be okay, Dani."_

_"You don't know that..."_ She whispered.

Izzy wrapped his arm around her and kissed her cheek.

_"But we have to pretend for Mami. She needs to see that we aren't scared...so she won't be. Okay?"_

They shared another look and it made me smile.

The bond between them was just how Ana wanted it to be.

_"Okay...lets go see her." _Dani said with a small smile.

I gave Izzy a thumbs up just so he knew how proud I was of him.

He smiled even bigger and kept a hand on Dani's.

Finally, he was learning to be the big brother.

I wasn't the only one that was learning to be more than the person who I was becoming.

More than fear.

Walking with our four kids down that long hallway, was the longest walk of my life.

All these crazy thoughts kept going through my mind and it had me wanting to curl up and cry...but I couldn't.

Izzy was right, we needed to be brave for her.

She had five unicorns in her corner now.

It had to be alright.

* * *

She had gotten back in her dress and had combed her hair out in the time that I was gone.

I could see the pain written all over her movements but she had done this for them.

She didn't want them to see her looking anything but strong.

While we were being strong for her, she was being strong for us.

Even in our pain, we were united.

My heart felt so full as I silently prayed.

Please God...let this be okay.

Please?

* * *

I stood back and watched as she kissed the kids and whispered to them.

Dani was laughing loud and watching carefully.

And Izzy was whispering things to Ana and she kept nodding and smiling.

He was encouraging her.

It was amazing to see.

When Ana was with our kids, the rest of the world disappeared and I'm sure that I was the same way.

They were our world.

I couldn't stop smiling.

They giggled together and she smiled as they climbed in the bed with her.

All through this, I was snapping pictures and I swear that I didn't catch her not smiling even once.

Every moment was genuine.

After a few minutes though, she looked tired again and the nurse was hovering.

Our time was up but she didn't drop her smile, not for a second.

_"Okay let's give Mami one big super kiss!"_ I called out and they all attached their lips to her face.

She let out a huge laugh and I captured it.

Everything, right then, was what perfect memories are made of.

* * *

**May 2021**

* * *

Six months.

Ana's recovery after her one surgery that turned into five surgeries was the longest time in my life.

She had to relearn everything.

Watching my wife learn to talk again was probably the hardest because I missed her voice.

The surgery had affected her motor skills and so she had to learn to write, to walk, talk, and play her piano again but for her, not being able to sing was the hardest.

She cried in my arms almost every night and most times, I cried with her.

But in front of the kids...we were strong together.

One solid unit.

And it made me love her even more.

We still were communicating.

Still understanding what was needed and it saved us.

* * *

Her brain remembered things but her body forgot.

Each day was a struggle but she pushed herself.

She wanted to be back to herself and so did I but it had to be done right.

And even though Lima and our parents were useful...they weren't enough.

I could see it in her eyes.

So I did what was best for our family, regardless of my fears.

I had to do everything for her and so I made the decision and so, we moved back to New York.

And even though I didn't want to at first, I started dancing again.

Her sisters and Quinn pulled together and made sure that she made it through the hardest tasks when I wasn't around.

It took six months before she was talking and walking again.

And I will never forget it.

* * *

The kids were in school and I was working through a dance move in my studio when the doorbell went off.

I stopped the music and walked down the stairs and pushed the heavy door open.

She stood there looking smaller than I remembered with a smirk on her face.

_"Hi B."_ She whispered.

_"Did you just walk here by yourself?"_

It was only across the driveway, no more than a few hundred feet but she hadn't been able to stand on her own for months.

This was big.

_"Yes...but...I need to sit...now."_ She said through a smile.

_"Of course...can you walk to the couch over there?"_

I pointed behind me.

She looked past me and then up into my eyes.

_"Yea...help?"_

I wrapped my arm around her waist and took the walk across the room with her.

When I felt how shaky she was and how slow she was moving, I realized just how hard it had been for her to make it to me.

When I got her sitting, I knelt in front of her and rubbed up and down her arms.

She watched my every movement and I couldn't help but watch hers.

_"I'm so proud of you, Ana. The kids are going to be so excited when they get home."_

She smiled even bigger.

_"Can we...meet them at the bus stop?"_ She stuttered out.

I let out a huge laugh and couldn't help myself as I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tight.

_"Yes!"_

* * *

Every day since she had figured out how to stand again, Dani and Izzy would get off the bus and look for her.

She never showed.

Today she would be at their bus stop and I knew that it would make their day.

They had been working so hard with her and the physical therapist.

And they even had started to get her singing with them.

Nursery rhymes at first and then little verses of her songs.

_"Thank you, B."_

I leaned in and kissed her lips and she kissed me back harder.

I brushed my fingers through her short curly hair and over the scar that remained.

She sighed and looked at me with wide eyes.

_"Why are you thanking me?"_

_"For b-being the...unicorn again."_

_"Always, Ana. For you...and for the kids."_

I hugged her and thanked God for her soft breaths that caressed my neck.

We were going one step at a time but each day was a better day.

Every moment was a blessing and I wouldn't take that for granted.

Neither one of us would.

* * *

_**[Part 6]**_

**Everything, Everything (Lianne La Havas)**

* * *

**_Every moment was a blessing and I wouldn't take that for granted._**

**_Neither one of us would._**

* * *

**June 2021**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**June 18th, 2021**_

_**Dear Henry,**_

_**This is my first entry since my surgery.**_

_**It has been so crazy for me to be without the ability to write words or even speak them.**_

_**But the good thing is that I have had the time to let my mind rest and so now I am full of all this creative energy.**_

_**Today is my 28th birthday, ten years from the day that my whole life changed. **_

_**Thinking back on that day and the days that followed seems surreal, almost like it happened to someone else.**_

_**In many ways it did.**_

_**The woman who I am now is so much stronger and wiser than that girl.**_

_**Oh and richer ;) Ha!**_

_**I only say that because yesterday Isaac realized just how much money I have. **_

_**He was doing some project for school and they kept talking about the 1% occupy protests from when I was still in high school and he insisted that he wasn't in the 1%.**_

_**That's when I had to break it to him that we are indeed in the 1%, I showed him the statement to his trust fund and explained to him that it had more money than most people make in ten years and he looked at me like I hurt his feelings.**_

_**He's okay now though, just an hour ago he asked me if he could spend his summer in Italy with his Titi Frankie. **_

_**See what I mean?**_

_**Anyway, I have come a long way but I know that there are still obstacles to go.**_

_**I still get winded when I walk too far and my voice still cracks when I sing.**_

_**I had no idea that the nasal passage was so instrumental to singing.**_

_**But through it all and despite it all, I'm feeling great Henry. **_

_**And Britt is back to being the woman who I fell for, me being sick got her to stop being hung up on the whole scandal thing.**_

_**She isn't shy around the kids anymore and when she realized that I wasn't capable of giving the girls' a bath a night and that she had to do it, she caved.**_

_**And you know what?**_

_**She's dancing and it makes me so happy to see it.**_

_**The light is back in her eyes and I am so blessed to be able to see it everyday. **_

_**To see her and the kids every day. **_

_**Everything is finally starting to fall into place.**_

_**Happy Birthday to me!**_

_**-S**_

* * *

I tossed my journal off to the side and looked down at the ivory keys.

My fingers were a bit cramped up but I was going to attempt to play again.

The need filled me and I had to act it out.

I could only suppress my music so long before I went nuts.

Once I started actively playing again, having to stop felt like torture.

Today though, I had bribed Britt into letting me be alone for a few hours.

I could walk again and even though I got tired, the stairs were conquerable.

My New York studio had been unused for years and so my butterfly had been out of tune.

And even though I was basically out of commission, the moment that I could string words together, it was one of my first requests.

I wanted my piano to be ready for this moment.

And so I stretched out my fingers and began nice and slow.

The stiffness in my back and my wrists caused them to crack but I didn't stop.

I took slow breaths and began to move across the keys more fluid as I continued.

My soul felt free again, like I was flying.

I pictured the bluest eyes looking back at me and tears came to my eyes.

Her love had carried me through these last couple of months.

Back when we got back together, I had been nervous that we would fall apart again but having two big things back to back had made us tighter.

We looked at each other and knew that there was no way that we were going anywhere.

For once in my life, I finally was assured that she wasn't going to leave me.

I wasn't scared anymore.

We were finally one.

She was my everything.

And it catapulted my love to new heights.

I was finally where I had always needed to be.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I stood on the other side of the glass with tears in my eyes.

She was back to where she needed to be.

The tears on her cheeks weren't from sadness.

It was like watching a new life being formed.

Like magic.

I knew that I should have left her alone but I couldn't help myself as my body carried me forward.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was standing in front of her piano and allowing her melody to move me.

My body and her music became one and it felt so right.

Our eyes met and the spark between us was alive and well.

We stopped at the same moment and then I was moving over to her and capturing her lips.

She clung to me and moaned against my lips.

In that moment, everything made sense.

It was like we both finally understood what the past ten years had been for.

We had been building a forever.

A life...a foundation.

* * *

In the past we would have ended up going at it for hours against every surface but this wasn't about that.

Wasn't about sex.

In many ways it was beyond it.

We ended up laying together on the couch, face to face, eye to eye.

Laughing.

_"You know what, B...I think that we are going to make it."_

_"Make what?"_ I asked and waited for her face to drop before sticking out my tongue.

_"You suck."_ She said before tickling my side.

I giggled and stole a kiss.

_"You never minded before."_ I teased.

_"Mmmm...and I won't mind when you do again."_

_"And when will that be?"_

_"Well it is our wedding anniversary...seven years...we could try?"_

_"No...when I take you...I want to be able to really have you and I don't want to exhaust you."_

_"Broken or not, you always exhaust me, B." _She winked and then licked her lips. My heart raced but I stopped my mind from going to a dirty place, when you have a hot wife, that can be really hard. _"I agree though...I think I still need time."_

_"Take all the time that you need, you'll tell me when you're ready...right?"_

_"Oh you will definitely know."_

_"Good."_

I kissed her again and then rested my forehead against hers.

* * *

That night, the family came over and we had a big pool party.

Seeing our kids smiling and laughing after nearly losing their Mami, was a blessing.

Her eyes were lit up as she slowly danced in the shallow end with the girls.

They both had mastered swimming and kept twirling around her as she clapped.

_"Britt Britt!"_

I had been sitting on the edge of the pool just watching...like I had been in most things but she didn't like that.

My fear was still there under the surface and I kept forgetting to be in the moment.

But she always pulled me back.

I slid into the pool and moved across the water towards her and she smiled at me.

_"Where were you?"_ She asked with her eyes dancing across my face.

_"Here."_

_"Nah...you were thinking about me dying...weren't you?"_

I shrugged and nodded.

_"I'm here, B."_ She brought my hand up to her chest and placed it over her heart. _"Feel it?"_

The strong thumping of her heart was right there under my hand and I felt my fear slide away.

_"Yea."_ I whispered.

_"Look at me."_ Our eyes met and she held my hand in place with one hand while using the other to hold my chin. _"I'm here...always and forever. It's you and me. I love you, B. Be here in this moment with me...okay?"_

I nodded and then leaned in to kiss her.

For a moment, I forgot that we were surrounded by our family and our kids.

I gripped her hips and pulled her against me with a moan.

And then I heard a gagging from next to us.

I turned my head and there was both Izzy and Dani pretending to gag on their fingers.

My fear was gone.

And I was here.

In this moment...

Laughter poured from me as I dunked and chased my kids around the pool, making them pay for mocking us.

Their screams pierced the air and Ana's laughter followed.

It was like music.

There was nothing more important than being here in the moment.

Because in truth, I had learned...and Ana had reminded me that each moment was precious.

And if you didn't live in the moment...didn't breathe in the moment...you could suffocate.

And who wants that?

* * *

**_A/N: The end is nigh. ;)_ **


	75. Chapter 75:The End

**_A/N: My apologies for not giving this to you in a timely fashion. Life just gets ahead of us sometimes and before you know it...weeks go by. _**

**_I am really grateful for those of you who have stuck through to the end with me. It's been quite a journey. _**

**_Enjoy!_**

**_-A_**

* * *

**Chapter 75: Epilogue**

* * *

_**[Part 7]**_

**Sight of the Sun (Fun.)**

* * *

**_There was nothing more important than being here in the moment._**

**_Because in truth, I had learned...and Ana had reminded me that each moment was precious._**

**_And if you didn't live in the moment...didn't breathe in the moment...you could suffocate._**

**_And who wants that?_**

* * *

**May 2022**

* * *

It was surreal.

Time had definitely flown by.

Britt and I walked hand in hand down the hallways of McKinley, both of us feeling nervous and excited.

My mind was focused on giving the welcome speech to the reuniting class of 2012 but Britt managed to get my attention when she pulled us off course.

_"Remember these?"_ She whispered.

I turned my head and saw where we were.

_"Our lockers."_ I said as I ran a hand over the cold metal door.

_"Yea...they saw so much."_

_"Including the beginning of you and me."_

_"Yea...among other things."_

I looked at her sideways and then I remembered the bad times that I spent with my head in my locker.

Britt breaking my heart by choosing Artie and then Finn, me doing lines of coke and me fighting Quinn.

_"Do you ever regret anything, B?"_

It was a question that I had always been too afraid to ask her because Britt could be brutally honest.

She looked at the lockers and then brought my hand from the metal to her lips.

Her eyes sparkled as she left a lingering kiss on my fingers.

A grin broke on her face as she looked at me.

_"Not a thing."_

I looked at her in shock but then she did that nose scrunching thing and then winked at me.

Was she serious?

_"You sure, B? Some pretty shitty things happened...like the drugs...the cheating...the lying. You don't regret anything?"_

She shook her head and then closed the gap between us.

My body reacted immediately as she ran her hand up and down my arm.

She left a trail of goosebumps in her wake and I visibly shivered.

God the things that she does to me.

* * *

_"Everything that happened was a part of our story, Ana Banana. I don't think that we could have ever made it this far without the bad stuff. Do you?"_

_"I never thought of it like that, I guess."_

_"Do you regret anything?"_

I nodded as I leaned in and kissed her cheeks and then the tip of her nose.

She smiled and I chuckled.

_"Actually, B...I do have one regret." _

It was my turn to throw her for a loop.

She pulled her face back and looked at me with a cocked eyebrow.

_"What is it?" _

She bit her lip and I smiled.

_"I never did get to slushy you back."_

Her eyes went wide and then she leaned in and crashed her lips against mine.

She had actually been worried for a moment there.

I growled against her lips as she grinded herself against me.

_"Oh God...seriously?"_

Quinn's voice broke our kissing frenzy and Britt rolled her eyes and groaned as she looked at Q.

* * *

_"Yes seriously...and you ruined it!"_

_"You're welcome...have sex later, your wife has a speech to give."_

_"Okay...fine...but sexy times later?" _Britt looked between me and Q, looking desperate.

We froze, not quite sure how to answer with her looking at us like that.

My sister was our savior.

_"Are you hitting on my pregnant wife, Brittany?"_

Britt suddenly realized what she said and turned red as she looked at Ceily.

_"Uh...no. I meant...I was talking about sex with your sister." _

That sounded no better and so, Britt quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me away from them as they broke out in laughter.

It was an amazing, lighthearted moment and it made me happy.

I guess, that is definitely the big difference from ten years ago...happiness is no longer a probablity...it's now an inevitability.

* * *

**_May 9, 2022_**

**_Dear Henry,_**

**_The reunion was so bittersweet._**

**_It was great catching up with everyone for the most part but really, a big part of me kept looking for those people who were missing._**

**_Like Ian, like Sue and as of a few months ago, Noah._**

**_Seeing Rachel so soon after she lost Puck was really hard._**

**_Quinn and Ceily were her shadows all night long but I don't think that really helped, not with the constant stream of pictures going on the screens._**

**_Nono was always involved in school activities, so there were a lot of pictures of him and so seeing his face all night long, knowing that he wasn't there was really painful. _**

**_The tabloids keep talking about how brave Rachel is, a newly single mother of two, who is still on Broadway every night._**

**_What those tabloids don't talk about is how she breaks down at least twice a day and has almost turned back to alcohol more than once._**

**_But she's resisted._**

**_And I am thankful for that. _**

**_Aaron and Sophie have been through enough with losing their father, I won't allow anyone to fuck up their view of Rachel._**

**_Thank God for Jay stepping in to take care of her and the kids._**

**_He had been a great little brother to Noah and a great bodyguard to me._**

**_Letting him go so that he could watch over his older brother's family had been really hard for me but I know that Nono would appreciate it. _**

**_Rachel is barely hanging on and up until now, Britt and I have been leaving the nurturing to Quinn and Jay but after seeing her...knowing how bad her addiction once was, I think that I will start to pay closer attention to her._**

**_She needs me. _**

**_Not a day goes by that I don't miss those people who helped carry me through such a dark periods of my life._**

**_I know that I shouldn't be still walking this Earth while they are six feet under._**

**_And so to honor them, I will help to carry the people that they left behind._**

**_It's the least that I can do...right?_**

**_Lots of love!_**

**_-Ana_**

* * *

_"Happy birthday dear Brooklyn and Briana...happy birthday to you!" _Everyone sang as we gathered out on the patio.

I sat just to the side of the table and watched as my baby girls laughed with each other.

They had their pinkies linked as they leaned forward and blew out the five candles on their personalized number five cakes.

It made me feel blessed to see them, so close and so happy.

Their eyes sparkled as they hugged.

Britt took a million pictures as the girls posed in front of their cakes and with their friends.

Isaac leaned his head back against my chest and closed his eyes.

_"Can I go to bed now, Mami?"_

He had been sick for a few days now but I had asked him to at least sing with us.

I cuddled him closer to me and kissed his sweet face.

Even at ten, he still got clingy when he wasn't feeling well so he didn't mind the extra attention.

_"Of course, Papa. Can you make it up the steps?"_

He looked so weak but he just nodded as he broke from my embrace.

_"You'll come check on me right?"_

_"Of course, I'm right behind you, Papa."_

He smiled and then slowly made his way back into the house.

* * *

I got pretty wrapped up in helping to cut the cakes and stupidly forgot to go check on Isaac.

Thankfully, his godmother was around to remind me.

Quinn came over to the table as I handed out pieces of cake.

_"Hey San."_

I smiled at her as she rubbed her big baby belly.

_"Hey Preggers."_

_"That's not insulting anymore, just so you know."_

I shrugged.

_"But it's still true." _

_"Ha...I guess you're right."_

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"Better than Izzy."_

I looked over at her and she nodded as I remembered that I had forgotten.

* * *

_"Crap...is he okay?"_

I went to put the knife down but she put her hand on my arm and smiled.

_"Relax. I got him set up with a treatment. Don't worry, his Dr. Dama took good care of him. He's in bed watching some action movie."_

_"Oh God, thank you, Q."_

Tears were in my eyes as I pulled her into a hug.

Even after all these years, bursts of emotion from me still surprised her.

She pulled away from me and searched my eyes.

I quickly wiped my tears away and turned towards the table.

_"You're hiding something."_

_"Shove it. I'm just emotional on my kids' birthdays."_

I rolled my eyes and went back to cutting the cakes.

_"Just promise me it's not drugs."_ She whispered and I flinched at the insinuation.

It was habitual but it got her puzzle solving cap on.

I hated when she got like this.

_"Stop it, Q. Not everything is about drugs."_ I whispered back to her.

_"Just promise me."_ She said with her smile still in place, we were after all, surrounded by about twenty kindergartners.

_"Fine...I-"_ I was cut off and immediately felt relieved.

I hated her fucking interrogations.

_"Mami?"_ I looked in the opposite direction of Q and saw Daniela with my phone to her ear.

_"Yes Beba?"_

_"It's Jay."_

_"Come help Dama with the cake."_

Quinn shot me a look as I walked away and I immediately got worried.

If Jay was calling, then it was probably about Rachel.

And that set me on edge.

Screw the interrogations, this was more important.

* * *

_"Where is she?"_ Jay was standing in the doorway of Rachel's house with a twisted up look on his face. He didn't answer. _"Fuck, Jay, where did she get that?!"_

_"I'm not sure."_

I pushed past him when I saw Rachel with her head on the table, her hand clutching tight to a bottle of wine.

I whipped around and pressed my finger to his chest.

This wasn't anything to take lightly, especially with her star on the rise.

Rehab was the last thing that she needed.

_"How the fuck did this happen, Jake Puckerman?!"_

He looked hurt as I used his first name for the first time since I met him.

_"I dropped the kids off at the girls' party and then when I got back here...she was like this."_ He finally mumbled.

_"Not a good enough answer! Why would you leave her here alone?"_

_"Um...fuck, she insisted. This is bad."_

I pulled the wine from her fingers and handed it to him,

_"Look, you called me at least...good move. Now, I need you to get rid of this shit and anything else that you find around the house...check her car too."_

He didn't hesitate this time, instead he jumped right to work while I dealt with Rachel.

First though, I needed to talk to B.

* * *

_"Hey, where'd you go?"_

I rolled my eyes as she talked around a mouth full of cake.

_"Jay called, I'm at Rachel's...she's drunk. I'm going to stay here with her until she sobers up and then take her to a meeting. Do you mind?"_

_"Of course I don't mind. Tell her not to worry about the kids. Call me if you need me, okay?"_

_"That's...I'm worried, B."_

_"Me too...maybe her being alone in Brooklyn isn't the best thing for her."_

_"I agree. Should I call her dads?"_

_"Talk to her first, we don't want to get them involved unless we have to."_

_"Yea, you're right...I love you, B."_

_"I love you too, baby."_

* * *

In all of that time, Rachel didn't move, she just looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

She was a wreck.

We had been here before...back when she had found out that she was pregnant with Aaron...but now it was different.

Back then she had immediately regretted it and stopped but in this moment, as I looked at her glassy eyes, I could see that regret was the last emotion that she felt.

_"Rach, babe...let me take you to bed...okay?"_

She didn't speak but sat up slowly and moved to her feet.

Life had been good to her up until Puck was killed in the line of duty in March.

I looked around and saw the dust that covered the surfaces and how the blinds were all drawn.

This house was cloaked in sadness and mourning, just her and the kids for two months...of course she relapsed...who wouldn't?

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and walked with her towards the stairs.

When she looked up she suddenly turned to me.

Big tears dripped from her eyelashes and she shook her head.

_"I c-can't..."_

She looked towards the den and so I took the hint and led her that way instead.

* * *

Puck's old man cave had been converted into the bedroom.

From the looks of it, not just Rachel but the kids had all been sleeping on the pull out sofa.

That couldn't have been comfortable.

_"Let me take you home with me, Rach."_

I turned to look at her and her eyes got cold.

_"No."_ She said clearly before slumping down onto the bed. _"I can't just leave Brooklyn...my life is here."_

I looked around the room, at the piles of dirty laundry, school books, scripts and dishes.

_"Yea Rach...hate to be the one to say it but this...is no life. This isn't good for the kids...please...let me take you home with me?"_

She stumbled to her feet and if I hadn't been quick enough to catch her, she would have landed with her face on the floor.

Once she was stable, she pulled away from me and pointed her shaky finger in my face.

I slapped it away and she got irate.

* * *

_"Listen here, Santana, I am a grown...grown woman and I will not have you resc...s...ugh you will not come in here making demands! I am a good mother. I know wh-um...what's best for MY kids!"_ She finished off with more tears.

She was in so much pain and the alcohol was only making things worse.

_"I know...you think that you're okay but right now...in this state, you are not being a good mother."_

Now her hands were on her hips as her face turned red with anger.

_"Don't you dare! You of all peopl-"_

I slapped my hand over her mouth, trying my best to save her from what she was about to say.

For too long I had harbored guilt for the kind of mother that I had started out as and even though I knew that the words would be coming from a place of hurt, I couldn't let her say something that she would later regret.

Or that I would resent.

_"That's enough. Once you sober up, we are going to a meeting and then I'm taking you home with me."_

_"I t-told you, I'm not going anywhere!"_

_"You have no choice, you're coming with me."_

_"And if I don't?"_

God...how was she still so fucking petulant?!

She wanted to be a brat...no problem.

_"If you don't, then I'm calling the press."_

It was a low blow but the way that her eyes got as big as saucers, I knew that I had won.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My gut is never wrong.

For months, I have been worried about my wife and the kind of stuff she could fall into.

I know it's crazy because she has been sober for so long...but really, do you blame me?

Never in a million years did I think though, that it would be Rachel that would mess up.

I worry now though because, what if Ana starts craving cocaine again?

I don't even know if that's possible but seeing Rachel stumbling in behind my wife after getting the kids settled with a movie, was eye opening.

And Ana knew me well, I didn't even have to tell her my fears because she already knew them.

Our eyes met and she smiled at me before shaking her head.

_"I'm fine, stop worrying."_ She said before kissing my lips and then turning towards Rachel. _"You don't want your kids to see you like this...do you?"_

Rachel looked around and then whispered with a scratchy voice, _"No."_

_"Good, I'm going to need you to let Britt pick you up."_

Her eyes got big.

_"What?"_

_"I agree with her, Rachel. I'm strong and fast...getting you upstairs quietly should be easy for me." _I chimed in.

_"Fine...just...don't shake me too much."_ She grumbled as she came towards me.

I had always wanted to pick Rachel up, so I was kind of excited but I tried to hold it in because this was serious...but still, it was pretty awesome too.

* * *

That night, once everyone was settled in for the night, I saw just how much this had gotten to Ana, as she stood by the window in our bedroom and rubbed her palms together.

I had been right...she was feeling that need again.

She had just gotten really good at resisting over the years and hiding the cravings.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against me.

_"Mmm...hi, B."_ She whispered as she buried her one hand in my hair and turned her face towards me. _"You saw me...didn't you?"_

I nodded and then squeezed her tighter.

_"How bad is it?"_

_"It's just under the surface...seeing how easy it was for Rachel to fuck up her sobriety...I don't know...it really scared me."_

_"Did you go to a meeting?"_

_"Mmm...we got there late but I think that it helped her a little."_

_"It didn't help you?"_

She dropped her hand and then turned until she was facing me.

Her eyes got big and her face got tight.

_"I need to be honest about something...and I need you to understand that it's over."_

My heart dropped.

That was never a good way to start any conversation.

_"Should I be sitting down for this?"_ I asked, even though I didn't wait for an answer, as I moved out onto our balcony.

I didn't need to look behind me to know that she would follow me.

Whatever this was...it was big enough for her to look like the whole universe was on her shoulders.

And that worried me the most.

* * *

I watched her closely as she sat with her legs crossed with her hands tented on the table.

She had learned how to master her every movement so well that it was hard to believe that she was ever out of control.

_"I need you to know that, I acknowledged the problem and I took care of it. I didn't think that I needed to worry you and so I didn't. It was hard but I did it on my own. I realized today that if it hadn't gone well...you would have had no way of knowing unless...I...well you know...unless things got bad."_

She left her sentence hanging in the air and right then, I was sure that she had relapsed.

Now the only question was when.

_"Wh-"_

I began to ask but she beat me to it.

_"Last year...after my surgeries...they prescribed me the Oxycontin and I was still taking them long after I didn't need them anymore. It got to the point where I was going through two bottles in a week and a half. I started craving them...and so...um...you know that two-week recording session trip that I went on with Kanye?"_

Suddenly things clicked.

How hadn't I noticed?

_"You went to rehab?"_

She nodded and swallowed hard.

_"Yea, it was outpatient, which is why I was able to call you every night. By the time that I came back...I had things under control again. I've been to a meeting every week since then."_

I felt hurt but as I looked at her, I couldn't get angry.

She had dealt with it...but it still hurt that she didn't think that she could trust me with this.

* * *

After she poured her heart out to me, I kissed her face and then told her that we should get to bed.

I needed time to process and knowing that I wasn't ready to talk about it, she just agreed, not wanting to upset me anymore and so we got ready to sleep without speaking.

But after a whole hour of just laying there, wide awake, side by side...because neither one of us had managed to actually fall asleep, needing to talk became more of a priority...especially for Ana.

She kept huffing and readjusting the covers.

Finally, I gave in.

_"What's wrong?"_ I asked as I turned to look at her.

Her eyes were big and bloodshot.

_"I can't sleep with this hanging between us."_

I sighed and rubbed my eyes.

They burned with exhaustion and knowing that the kids had school in the morning didn't make it easier.

But I couldn't sleep either.

* * *

We hadn't had any drama between us in such a long time and so this seemed extra hard.

This was just too much, we shouldnt be back to talking about relapses.

Hadn't we been through this enough?

It was safe to say that I was hurt and disappointed.

When I sighed in the next moment, I knew that it sounded heavy.

I just wanted us to be happy and stay that way.

Ever since we had moved back to New York and she had come back from the hospital, we had been in love again.

We had lost too much in the past and I didn't want that to be our lives again,

I had to fix this and so I sat up, took a deep breath and just jumped right in, knowing that once we talked through this, we could go back go being happy again.

For good.

* * *

_"I just don't understand why it took you this long to tell me. You went away last July."_

She sat up and turned towards me.

Tears in her eyes as she bit her bottom lip.

She looked so upset and I didn't want this to be about that.

And so even though I was hurt, I leaned forward and brushed her tears away.

I brushed my lips against hers and just enjoyed kissing her for the first time all day.

Her chin was trembling as I stroked the side of her face, hopefully encouraging her to be honest about things.

After a few seconds of kissing, she pulled away and met my eyes.

She was ready now and it looked like she was stronger too.

Who knew that I had such magic kisses?

I mean other than her?

Thinking about her calling me a unicorn, I smiled and then brushed my thumb across her cheek once more, wiping away her last tear_._

_"Thanks."_ She mumbled as she smiled softly.

I nodded and looked at her straight in the eyes.

_"Talk to me."_

And she did.

* * *

_"I fucked up, B. Everyone made such a big deal about me coming back from death and how blessed I should feel that I bounced back. It was a miracle...I didn't want to disappoint anyone."_

_"That's not a good enough excuse. You lied to me, Ana."_

_"I know and I'm sorry."_

I felt bad being mad at her even though, I had every right.

It had taken a lot for her to be honest with me and punishing her wouldn't solve anything.

_"Can you just promise that you will come to me next time? I don't like when you lie...promise me."_

She smiled softly at me and then held out her two pinkies.

I sat up and put my pinkies in hers and then waited.

_"I double pinky promise that from here on out, I am going to be completely honest with you."_

_"Good. Now let's get some sleep, you are going to have to convince Rachel to go to rehab tomorrow while I drive her kids to Brooklyn tomorrow for school."_

_"Oh God, don't remind me."_

She covered her face and took deep breaths.

Puck's death had been pretty hard on her too but she couldn't focus on that.

Rachel needed her and she had to be there for her.

_"Hey...come here."_

She looked at me with a deep pout and reminded me of a lost puppy as she curled against me.

_"I think we should move her in, B. Even after rehab."_

_"One step at a time...she needs to get better and in order for that to happen...she needs to admit her problem. You know that better than anyone."_

_"Yea...I know."_

_"I love you, Ana."_

_"I love you too, B."_

_"I know...now sleep."_

* * *

Long after she had fallen into a deep sleep, I was still awake.

My mind was going in circles as I analyzed every part of the time just before she had gone to rehab without telling me.

She had been sick and slept a lot.

I hadn't thought about it at all...instead, I had just did my best to give her space.

The kids were all in sports or dance and so I spent a lot of time running around.

She had stayed in the house and just played her piano all day long.

It hadn't been like her coke addiction and that's probably why I didn't catch it.

But I should have.

Her control over her emotions had become so flawless that I usually had to wait until she was sleeping to see how bad things were.

It was something that Marco had told me ten years ago.

For the most part, I didn't think to stay awake long enough to see it but right now, with her being so closed up...it's what I needed.

And so I laid there and just watched her.

It took two hours but finally, her breathing was heavy and her body started to shake.

Like really bad.

So bad that at first, I thought that she was having a seizure.

If this is how bad it had always been...how had I never noticed?

After ten years of sleeping next to her, this should be something that I know about.

I pressed my hand to her back and felt how soaked her clothes were.

* * *

_"Ana?"_ I called out to her but she just mumbled and turned her face from me and her body relaxed.

My touched seemed to calm her enough for the shaking to stop.

I let out a deep breath and took it all in.

The tears came after that.

I had fooled myself into believing that her being an addict was something of the past.

But her addiction was still very real.

Very present.

I knew better now that to make that kind of assumption again.

Ana would always be fighting this battle and now that I realized that it was going on, I would be by her side.

It's what she needed.

For me,

For the kids

And for our future.

Most important though, she definitely needed this for her.

* * *

_**[Part 8]**_

**Hold It Against Me (Britney Spears****)**

* * *

_**Ana would always be fighting this battle and now that I realized that it was going on, I would be by her side.**_

_**It's what she needed.**_

_**For me,**_

_**For the kids**_

**_And for our future._**

**_Most important though, she definitely needed this for her._**

* * *

**June 2024**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Things are definitely better in my tenth year of marriage than in all the ten years combined. Britt and I have a constant flow of conversation going and we are taking out time to spend together every single day. After I broke down and told her about secretly going to rehab, she has been on alert when there is a potential for me to use again. Ten years ago or even two years ago, that would have annoyed the fuck out of me...but things are different now. I'm thirty-one and more settled into who I am as a woman, a mother and a wife. And so that is why I want to do this."_

_"Does she know?"_

_"She doesn't have a clue. You know she just opened that tribute to dance music on Broadway so she has been super busy...especially since so many of our friends are a part of it."_

_"And your son too...right?"_

_"Oh yea, Isaac is doing an amazing job, this is his dream so he's really happy and on top of that, his anxiety is a thing of the past. I admire him."_

_"You should...he has overcome some incredible odds, Santana."_

_"I know! It's crazy to me and then Daniela...she's doing her little thing as a ballerina and is mastering three instruments. The girls look up to her and that therapist you recommended has really helped her with her anger issues."_

_"Success!"_

She fist pumped and I smiled as I readjusted in my seat.

_"Everything is just going so well and you know me, I'm still a bit of a pessimist.**"**_

_"Which is the real reason that you asked me to clear my schedule today and come over...right?"_

I smiled at Amy and gave a short nod.

It was true that I had called her office and used my star power to convince her assistant to clear her schedule.

But desperate times call for desperate measures...right?

_"Yes and since this is happening on my patio with iced tea and cookies, while I'm in a bikini, I don't want you to get all professional with me."_

_"So this is off the cuff?"_

_"I'm not officially your patient anymore, this is just old acquaintances working on becoming good friends. Can you handle that?"_

_"Really? I think you should be asking yourself, if you can handle it."_

_"Well you're the therapist...you tell me!" _

_"Touché."_

* * *

After I got Amy to kick off her loafers and put her feet up, she seemed to relax a bit.

It was still early morning on a school day and I had the house to myself for next few hours so this was a great time.

_"Okay, okay...so what did you want to talk about?"_

_"Sex."_

_"Okay...what about it?"_

_"Do you remember that time that I came to your office and I was so sore that I couldn't sit down?"_

She smiled at me as she sipped her iced tea.

_"Absolutely. Brittany turned so red, it was hard for me not to die laughing right then."_

_"Figures."_

_"So what...you want to turn the tables on your wife?"_

_"I'm surprising her with a trip to Brazil for our tenth anniversary. Just a week, her and me. It's been a really long time since we have some quality time together. No control, no rough sex...nothing...everything between us has been sweet and slow for way too long and honestly, I'm getting bored."_

_"Mmm...can I speak as a therapist for a moment?"_

_"If you must." _I sighed.

_"Was that an agreement between the two of you or did that just develop over time?"_

_"A little bit of both. After that last crazy period with Dr. Cray and then her whole AWOL situation when we moved to L.A., she has felt this need to make the bad stuff up to me. I think she's afraid that I'm going to like break down or something but honestly that stuff happened so long ago, that it almost feels like it happened to a different person."_

_"Mmmm...that's because it did. Have you told her how you feel?"_

_"In not so many words. I drop hints...I've even gone so far as to put handcuffs in her purse."_

_"Wow."_

_"I have needs, Amy, don't hold it against me."_

* * *

It was the night before my birthday and we were dropping the kids off at the airport with Mami, so that they could go spend the summer in Lima with her.

After giving out a zillion kisses and making the kids promise to behave, we headed to Manhattan.

Britt had this rule about me actually doing anything for myself on my birthday and so I had asked her to let me take her out tonight.

She had no idea what was waiting for her...but I was really excited about it.

_"Are you sure that I'm dressed okay?"_ She said as I fluffed up my hair in the passenger side mirror.

_"Perfect, B."_

_"Should I be worried about where you are taking me?"_

_"You mean where you are taking me."_

Really, I had just punched the address into the GPS and asked her to drive.

_"Sure...where am I taking you?"_

_"Dancing."_

_"Awww, Ana...I'm in sweats...I so don't look hot enough right now!"_

I put my hand on her leg and smirked at her.

_"Trust me baby, you are perfect just how you are." _

_"Promise me!"_ She said as she focused on the road while holding out her pinky.

I linked my pinky with hers and gave it a little squeeze before bringing it to my lips.

_"I promise that you are perfect."_ I chuckled when her eyes got wide.

I had twisted her words around and was damn proud of it.

* * *

We pulled onto an empty lot on one of the busiest stretches of road.

Britt looked around and then over at me.

_"I thought we were going dancing?"_

_"We are."_

_"I don't understand."_

_"Do you trust me?"_

_"Of course."_

_"Then come with me."_

I hopped down from the car and ran around it in enough time to be able to hold my hand out as she climbed out.

She looked around and then at me again.

_"Okay...lead me."_ She said finally settled with her confusion.

I pulled out a ring of keys as we approached the side of a big black building.

I looked back at her before I peaked inside.

It had taken me and Ari three hours to get the place set up and I could see that it was all worth it.

The place was completely empty except for the thousands of twinkling lights all over the place.

I held the door open and pulled Britt inside.

Her eyes got wide as she looked around.

It was an open space that was probably the size of a small theater.

_"What is this place?"_

_"SoBar."_ I said as I shut the door and clicked the lock.

_"SoBar?"_

_"Yup...it's ours. Mine and yours."_

She bit her lip, still confused and so I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the stairs.

This was going to be my favorite part and I was super excited about it.

* * *

When we got upstairs it was dark with the exception of the floor to ceiling windows.

_"Close your eyes."_ I said quietly as I searched for the switch.

Her hands flew to her eyes and I finally found the switch.

I hit it and Britney Spears poured from the speakers that were embedded in the walls.

Ari had done a good job waxing the floors and making sure that one of B's favorite songs was the first to come on.

I hit the light switch and smiled when I saw that we were standing in front of a mirror.

I put my hand over Britt's eyes and walked her to the center of the room and then stepped away.

_"Okay, Britt Britt...open your eyes."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My heart was racing.

Had she bought this place?

I just didn't understand but from the look in her eyes, I knew that she was waiting for me to be excited.

And I would but I just didn't get it.

And then I heard the music and felt the heat of the lights being switched on.

Was she losing it?

* * *

When she walked with me with her hand touching my face, I made myself relax.

I trusted that she knew me well enough to know if this was exciting or not.

_"Okay Britt Britt...open your eyes." _Her voice was warm and excited and I silently prayed that I would get excited too.

After a moment I opened my eyes and saw that I was staring at myself.

And then I spun around.

It was a studio.

A real dance studio that was huge.

My jaw dropped and I just stood there looking across the huge open space before turning towards her.

She stood off to the side with a nervous smile on her face and her hands clasped together.

_"Good?"_ She whispered before letting out a nervous laugh.

And just like that, I was seventeen again.

I threw myself at her and scooped her in my arms.

Her legs were around my waist as I spun us around.

_"I can't believe you did this."_ I said before I kissed those lips that after all these years, I still couldn't get enough of.

_"Happy anniversary, B."_

_"Mmm...you...are...so...fucking...amazing." _

_"I learned from the best."_

* * *

_"Fuck!"_ I groaned as she dug her hand into my panties.

She danced against me and lingered in front of my lips.

_"I love you." _She whispered as she pinched my clit.

_"Unh...yesss."_

_"I have one more gift for you."_

_"No...no more...thissss...oh right there...mmm."_

She chuckled and then went faster.

I rested back against the wall and threw my head back as I came.

_"I love you, B...so fucking much."_ She growled against my neck.

_"Mmm...I love you too...inside baby...p...mmmmm yes!"_ I screamed before collapsing back.

I came a second time and as my heart raced she pulled her hand from me.

She took a step back and just stared at me with a wicked grin on her face.

_"You ready?"_

I looked at her in a haze as she stepped back and dropped to her knee.

But we are already married...

I looked at her in shock as she pulled a box from her pocket.

* * *

_"What are you..."_

She smiled at me and then opened the box.

Inside was nothing?

_"B, will you do me the honor of taking our dream honeymoon to Brazil?"_

_"Wh-what?"_

_"You, me and hot mind-blowing sex...for three weeks."_

Oh God!

How did she pull all of this off without me knowing?

I had been watching her like a hawk.

_"I will follow you to the moon and back."_

_"Good to know...I might just be able to-"_ I pulled her to her feet and crashed my lips against hers.

It didn't matter if we were in Lima, New York, LA or Puerto Rico, as long as I had this amazing woman in my arms...I had everything that I needed.

* * *

_**[Part 9]**_

**Everytime I Reach Out (Madi Diaz)**

* * *

_**It didn't matter if we were in Lima, New York, LA or Puerto Rico, as long as I had this amazing woman in my arms...I had everything that I needed.**_

* * *

**August 2027**

* * *

**Daniela's POV**

* * *

My heart was racing.

I don't think that it has actually stopped racing all day long.

Watching Izzy dancing up on that stage with Mama earlier and then coming home to Mami singing with Brook in the studio and Bri off playing her violin...I am starting to feel a bit sad.

I have never felt like I was a part of this family.

Now though...as I stand outside the door to my parents bedroom, I'm feeling even more like an outcast.

They were in there laughing and it made me feel worse.

_"What are you doing standing out here?"_

I jumped and turned around when I heard a deep voice behind me.

My big brother had this crazy timing when it came to showing up in places that you didn't want him.

_"I need to talk to them."_ I said sticking out my chin and taking a deep breath.

_"About what? It's late."_

_"Mind your business."_

_"You are my business." _

I tried to hold back the growl in my throat but it came out as I snapped at him.

_"I am my own fucking business and you need to remember that."_

I was pressing my finger against his chest and he just stood there looking at me with squinted eyes and a cocked eyebrow.

It was like looking at Mami when she was pissed off.

And then the doors behind me swung open.

_"What the hell is going on?"_ Mami said with that warning tone in her voice.

Izzy looked past me with a grin.

_"I was just on my way to grab water...Dani is hiding something...just so you know."_

I froze as I watched him walk away.

_"Asshole."_ I growled.

_"Excuse me?"_

When I turned around, Mama and Mami were standing there, looking at me.

Mama looked right through me and rested a hand on Mami.

_"Ana...calm down."_ She said before looking back at me._ "You look like you could use some fresh air...why don't you come sit on our balcony with us?"_

In my mind, I could see them tossing me over it but if Mama asked...you didn't turn her down.

Not if you wanted her on your side.

It was something that we had all learned.

The way to Mami's heart was through Mama.

Any other attempts at getting her to back down were useless.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I already knew.

From the first moment that she stood there, eyes bloodshot and skin pale...I knew that history had repeated itself.

Even as she stood there, she looked like she was going to hurl.

I took a step back as she crossed into our bedroom and headed out onto the balcony.

Britt's eyes met mine and she gave me a small nod.

She was sure of the same thing that I was.

_"United front, Ana."_

_"I know."_

_"You were in her shoes...remember that...okay?"_

_"It's just...wow...B."_

_"United front...we can do this."_

_"Okay."_

I swallowed back the bit of anger that I was feeling and tried to put myself back to being young and stupid.

Me scolding her was the last thing that she needed.

* * *

My daughter's long golden brown curls shined in the moonlight as she looked down at her hands.

Britt put her hand on my thigh and gave a small squeeze.

Our little girl wasn't a baby anymore.

_"How far along are you?"_ I said as I leaned forward and took one of her hands.

Daniela sat straight up and looked at me with fear in her eyes.

_"Wh-what?"_ She stuttered as she shook with tears in her eyes.

_"Did you not understand the question, Daniela?"_ I asked, as I raised my eyebrow.

Britt's hand clamped against my thigh again and I gave a weak smile.

Maybe that was harsh.

Whoops.

Be nice, Lopez.

* * *

_"Um...nine weeks..."_

_"What do you want to do about it?"_ I asked.

_"Ana...she's only 14 and-"_ I held up my hand and looked at my wife.

I knew that this hit her hard and the last thing that she wanted was our daughter to go through that kind of pain...but it was her decision.

And she wanted us to be united.

So I needed to make sure that Daniela looked at her options...even if I didn't agree with them.

_"Britt, I know how you feel about it but we raised our kids to be responsible for their actions. She got herself into this and I just want to know what her plans are."_

When I turned to look back at my daughter her hand that wasn't shakily sweating in mine was clutching her nonexistent baby bump.

_"I want to keep it."_ She said as she looked at me in defiance.

She was unsure of everything else, it seemed, except for what she was going to do about this pregnancy and that's exactly what I wanted from her.

It was a decision that she needed to make and live with.

And when Britt heard her utter those four words, she seemed to relax and slowly a smile spread across her face.

* * *

After our talk about what her next steps should be, Britt took Daniela down to the kitchen for ice cream.

But that felt like too much of a celebration.

And for me...this was no time to celebrate.

This was a big deal.

My fourteen year old daughter was pregnant...there was no way that I could even smile after hearing that.

We promised to support her and be there for her through it all but that didn't mean that I was happy about it.

_**Call me.-S**_

Moments later a call came through even though it was well past midnight.

Quinn never let me down.

* * *

_"Hey Q." _

_"She told you." _Quinn said, sounding wired.

_"She told you...I should have known."_

_"Do you blame her, San? You and Britt have protected your pasts from your kids and I've been an open book. They don't know your story...your struggle. They know facts...you did drugs...you got clean...bad things happened and sometimes on Christmas, Britt locks herself away for hours and cries. Every thing that they know outside of those facts are from the internet or old stories but they don't really know you."_

_"Well fuck you too, Quinn."_ I snapped, feeling completely attacked by the person that I was calling for help.

_"Don't take it personal, San. I'm her godmother and she knows that I was pregnant at fifteen. She knows what I went through and so she went to Beth and I overheard them. I confronted her about it...we talked. I took her to the doctor and I took her to see her father...an-" _

A chill went through me as I cut off her words.

It wasn't that Daniela didn't know that Marco was her father...it's just that they really didn't have a relationship outside of a few family get functions, a couple of times a year.

This was just too much for one night.

I exploded.

* * *

_"You did what?!"_ I yelled.

_"She was going to go by herself. I had asked what she was going to do about the baby and she told me that she wanted to talk to Marco about it since he's a Priest and her father. She was scared to talk to you but it was a part of the deal that I made with her...I would take her to the doctor and to see Marco and she had to be honest and upfront with you."_

_"What the fuck, Lucy Q...you had no right to go behind my back!"_

_"Look, San...you're upset...I get it but please just take a breather. It took her three days to talk you about it...she's scared of you and Britt...she thinks you don't love her the same as you love Izzy or the girls. She is afraid of being a disappointment...you remember how that was...think about how you felt when it came to Aden...you were never good enough. Break the cycle, San. Please...she needs you."_

I sat there staring at the trees that surrounded my property...here I was rich, famous and still sexy...I was successful and sober...things were supposed to settle down.

But life isn't perfect.

I still felt like that lost little girl that I had always been,

Only now...I would be a grandmother at 35!

* * *

_"We came off as supportive...I asked her what she wanted to do and when she said that she wanted to keep it...I told her that we would be there for her every step of the way."_

_"Wow...that's...you said that?"_

_"Yea...I did."_

_"I bet you surprised the hell out of her. She thought you would slap her and kick her out."_

_"Wow...not even on my worse day. She's my little girl...she always will be. I died bringing her into this world...I nursed her...every thing that I do is for my kids and to know that she would think that I could just put her out...really fucking hurts my heart."_ I said as I blinked back tears.

_"I'm sure it does."_

_"What do I do now, Q? Back when Finn outed your biggest secret to your parents...what did you want from them?"_

_"Comfort...I knew that I fucked up and right then...all I needed was comfort and understanding. Dani knows that she fucked up, San and..."_ She paused for a long time before whispering. _"I'm not supposed to know this...Beth told me...if you kicked her out...she had planned to go off and kill-" _

I cut her off.

_"Don't."_ I said before a sob broke from my lips. _"Please...don't tell me that."_ I croaked out.

_"She knows what she did...she knows what she wants...now all she needs is support."_

_"I'll call you tomorrow, Q...I need...I don't even know...I just-"_ I buried my face against my arm and began to cry.

Quinn mumbled sweet things in my ear but I couldn't hear them.

Just knowing that Daniela had been in such a dark place...it broke something in me.

An innocence...probably my last remaining piece.

I wasn't sure that I would ever be the same.

* * *

_**[Part 10]**_

**I Was Here (Beyoncé) / The Thing About Love (Alicia Keys)**

* * *

_**I wasn't sure that I would ever be the same.**_

* * *

**June 2033**

* * *

The lights were up and I was standing center stage.

It was my 40th birthday and I was getting a generation award.

My family sat in the front row as I played and sang.

The years had been good to me and to my family.

And now after all of that...I was being honored.

I still felt young...even though I was someone's grandmother and my marriage was almost twenty years old.

There was no way that as a little girl in Lima, Ohio, that I could have ever imagined that I would have ended up here.

But here I am.

* * *

_"Hey beautiful."_

I looked up from my dressing room table and saw my whole family trying to fit in.

_"Hi, B."_ I said as I stood to my feet and held my arms out.

But of course...as had been the norm for the last five years...her hug was stolen.

_"Me first!" _I looked down and saw my grandson with his arms outstretched.

_"Sorry, B...he's cuter."_

_"I know."_

She shrugged and began playing on her phone.

I guess she was used to it by now.

He looked up at Britt and clapped.

_"She say, I'm cuter, Mama." _

_"Hey no teasing."_ I said as I scooped him up and kissed his face.

_"Sorry."_ He said before kissing me back.

I tickled his tummy and kissed him once more before looking into his big grey eyes.

_"So how was I, Jojo?"_

_"Mami was crying...I told her you was amazing. She say they was happy tears but I didn't cry. I clapped...like this!"_

He clapped his hands and fake cheered.

Man I loved this kid!

_"You aren't supposed to snitch on me, Joel."_ Daniela said as she stood with her arms crossed over her chest.

_"She your Mami...it's not snitching. It's the truth."_

He scowled at her and not wanting to get in the middle of a mother/son dispute, I kissed him and then handed him off to her.

_"Be nice to him, D...it's not his fault that he is such a good boy."_ I said kissing him once more and ruffling his hair.

_"See, Mami...I'm a good boy!"_ Joel said with a curt nod of his head.

* * *

I was unofficially retired from the music business.

My days were basically spent chasing after my grandson and sitting in a stuffy office...running my business ventures.

My kids were basically all grown up and aside from just helping to produce some tracks...I was basically just bored.

Britt got tired of seeing me walk around looking miserable and my kids were tired of me calling them at all times of day just to talk.

I had turned into my mother and I didn't like it.

Even she was busy running around the world...traveling and dating...at her age!

At this rate I was going to just shrivel up and die.

My family life was good.

My kids were happy and my career was pretty much in the history books.

I didn't really have much to prove...and I was still considering a run for congress in a few years.

Life was working out and even though I still had managed to keep most of my past from my kids...I didn't regret it.

Of course...that was until I got a call from Sal that would make me second guess that decision.

Let's face it...there is no way that Santana Lopez can just go off and retire...I have to constantly keep moving.

Constantly stay in the know and so the phone call...despite my trepidations...came right on time.

* * *

_"You can't be serious...tell me that you're joking."_

_"No, I'm serious Santana, this is a big deal. You should feel honored."_

_"I am, Sal believe me nobody is more humble than I am when it comes to these kinds of things...but really? I'm not even that old!"_

_"But your story...it could save lives. Nothing is new under the sun, that's what your father used to tell me."_

_"That's what he used to tell everyone!"_

_"My point exactly, so if these things happened to you, then they are bound to be happening to other little girls."_

_"Ugh, I don't even want to think of that as a possibility."_

_"Say that you want to do this."_

_"Can I think about it?"_

_"What's there to think about?"_

_"My children for one...think of how this can affect their lives. Think about how they will be perceived, Salvatore. That matters more than anything. Isaac is about to get married and Joel is just a baby."_

_"You're right, I get it. You talk to the wife and kids, spill your soul to them...call the whole family while you're at it, just don't be quick to turn it down. Okay?"_

_"Okay. I'm meeting Britt for lunch, I'll call you by the end of the week."_

_"Give me your word."_

_"You have it, Sal. I promise that I will call you by Saturday."_

_"Good. Take care and kisses to the kids."_

_"Absolutely. Ciao!"_

_"Ciao."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Even though I had gone through most of the drama with Ana...sitting down and actually reading about what she had been through made me ache.

It was beautifully written and brutally honest.

Sitting down with our kids and family before the book was published was probably the smartest thing that we had done.

I can't imagine what kind of hell they would have gone through if they had read it before knowing.

Izzy especially.

Ana had cried so hard as she admitted to all the things that she had done and when she was done, Izzy had wrapped her up in his arms and told her that he forgave her.

From that moment on...knowing that she had the support and the love coming from every direction she wrote _"The Thing About Love"_ with all the honesty that she possessed.

And I was so proud.

I hope that you are too.

Good or bad...she fought and she survived.

She proved that she was bigger than her shortcomings.

With every word that she wrote she forgave herself and healed herself.

It's no surprise to me that her book became a bestseller or that she is now closer to our kids.

And for me, even with all of my stuff...and my wrongdoings now out there for the whole world to see...

I know that I wouldn't have it any other way.

That's just how love works I guess.

It's real...it's raw...and if you work at it...nurture it...fight for it...it's completely worth it.

* * *

_**A/N: I am stopping right here...love it or hate it...this is the end. Forgive any errors...I'll be back for them later. It's been a great ride and I am absolutely thrilled that I was able to take it with you.** _


End file.
